Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-20

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

Bill rambles about getting out, the Troubadour, and football in July.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrd and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you checking in to see how your week's going into July oh my god it's the July 4th weekend Jesus Christ I feel like every fucking weekend it's been July 4th how many more fucking burgers can I make in my fucking grill before they officially open the whole fucking thing well according to the fucking rumors they're gonna shut everything down again I mean this is a fucking just a goddamn quagmire I'll tell you right now man I've seen some fucking I've seen some people step in some shit before they couldn't get off their fucking boot but this is some the stick of your shit I've ever seen I mean what the fuck do you do here people got to go to

work they got to earn money but then you got to stay home why the fuck why the fuck it like this this is obviously not work though the the self quarantining is not working or the self quarantine the swell self-quarantination it's not fucking working all right because all you need is one mouth breathe and fucking moron to go out and get it and then it starts over again so this ain't like back in the day when they had influenza I'm gonna guess it was easier to fucking get people to quarantine back then simply because there was less people you know but then how the fuck did you tell people what was up well no Facebook out there on the prairie I can tell you that but I would also think the fact that you could actually fucking

die of it and people died on a regular fucking basis back then and death was a real fucking thing you know and then people also knew how to hunt like well shit you know worst-case scenario I'll just go back fucking shoot and shit in the fucking woods all right ain't going down the textile mill getting breathed though everybody sounds like this in history and on everybody who sounds dumb today for some reason it's gonna have a southern accent which is stupid I literally did a bit about that the prejudice against the southern accent anyway speaking of that how fucking funny is it watching how affected a very small portion of white women are with that word Karen and there's such fucking idiots they're literally trying to equate it to the n-word saying

that it's a racial slur I retweeted one of them and it's just fucking it is fucking amazing you just it is really amazing and I don't know if I ever really see maybe I'm just flaking here as far as like a character on TV that really tapped into in a real way like somebody's inability to take responsibility for their action you know back in the day when old Billy Broadbrush came on you know I fucking slapped the pain all all these fucking broads nothing and none of them take responsibility for that fucking hang you know it's men and women it's a small like I don't know I want to say I'm gonna go positive here and say it's a small portion you know what I mean did white guys ever get fucking annoyed with cracker it's just like you're white it's a name

you're gonna be fine you know oh I may seem more modern now they're like fucking white guys saying that calling them a Chad or a Brad is offensive and like you know dude you know bro just for like the record bro like I have one of my best friends Chad is like the fucking like best bro that I know dude you know I actually you know the thing actually bothers me it's not the word it's the it's the that whole bro thing that automatically that if you wear a hat on backwards in your good it's sports that means you're a particular type of person where on the other side if you're into Star Wars if you're into like sci-fi and you suck at sports that automatically means that you're a good person that's the what I kind of got a kick out of you know oh so if I can catch a ball that

means I'm a cunt but if it fucking you know bounces off my nose and I bleed on my dungeon and dragon fucking set then that means I'm a good fucking person anyway it's all funny in the end of the day but I guess we all have our sensitive parts of our personality I'm in a great great great fucking mood did I even finish my first idea so I just don't understand why all the times they flooded the economy with money to help out corporations banks you know airlines Chrysler you know anything out there to keep it fucking going now it's the fucking working man out there and you can't just flood the market with testing free fucking testing just go down there get people tested if you come up with the shit fucking stay home if you don't go to work and I know that

they'll be you know the people fucking anybody keep the test coming I mean why the fuck wouldn't you do that even if you can't get to everybody even if there's gonna be some fucking liane fucking testing me I have a southern accent I represent everything the bill doesn't lock today for some stupid reason sorry dude you ain't fucking testing me with that shit what do you got a fucking stick in my ass no one said that actually just a little swabbing you know oh yeah first my nose orifice and then you got your fucking clock out dude that was the overly homophobic person where it gets the point of maybe you're a little curious curiosity killed the cat anyway I don't understand why they can't fucking do that and then you could get people could go fucking back to work all right

and you could just you could just beat the shit out of this fucking thing I don't I don't get it I actually do get it I do get it because they don't give a fuck I don't know they give a fuck then it's also like you the government's not your fucking parents you know so I don't know I don't have any solutions but I'm in a great mood G bill why are you in great mood I'll tell you why because I was really fucked up for like I don't know probably about six weeks this whole quarantine thing and not working and all of this shit was really starting to fucking bother me and I was really missing stand up and doing the shit that I love to do and traveling and all of that but because of my childhood I've learned that when something hurts I just go I literally lie

to myself that it doesn't bother me mm-hmm so then what ends up happening is it just starts building up in me and then just comes out in like misdirected anger so I was getting really short with my family just brutal and I couldn't figure out what the fucking problem was and I took my wife for a drive and we were up on Mulholland Drive and I looked out sorry they can y'all young I looked out over the valley and I was like god damn it I miss flying I fucking miss it and I just said if you know what fuck this and I just called the buddy mine up was this beautiful helicopter I said can I just kind of rent this fucking thing you just find he said yeah so I went up and I flew a an A star 350 the one that the cops and the news reporters have and I

I can't even tell you what what it did for me psychologically just to get out there and I just fucking missed it and I was really nervous because I usually fly Robinson's I wasn't nervous I was just sort of just like I'm gonna suck at this I haven't flown I hadn't flown since January 21st the longest layoff I think I mean it was almost fucking six months and I gotta tell you the little bit of instrument training that I've done I was able to fly you know really well for me for that amount of time off I mean I still wasn't you know the greatest or whatever but god damn it did I have a good time and I only flew for like an hour you know I just said listen I got I got I got the little window here can fly for an hour and then I got to get home and make sure I'm home and time

you know to put my kid over to bed and lo and behold I got out there really quickly you know we went right up did a quick loop around it was funny I kept extending how far the loop was because I was going on like Robinson time in my head where I would be flying like roughly like you know my hundred knots and this thing was just wanted to fly maybe if I took a 44 I don't know I'm just used to the Robinsons put it that way and this fucking thing was just I felt like at one point was just like lurching forward on me going up towards 120 knots you didn't want to fly above that and I was like I need to slow down here it was also to what the the A star you feel like you're flying like a nose down attitude and I just kept looking at the little ball there and I was kept being above the

horizon and I was still climbing I was like the fuck am I doing and I just ease the stick forward eased it forward because I'm used to flying Robinsons and I'm worried about a low G fucking whether low G push over whatever the fuck they call it and I was like oh wait this is a fully articulated main rotor system I can slam this thing forward but I still didn't do it I was still leading with the collective and because the main rotor turns the opposite way I always just the guy teaching me my instrument or was anyways I I learned that your left foot moves with the collective which is the basically the emergency brake looking thing for you people who don't fly and I was able to slow down on that type of shit and man it was a great flight flew right along the 101 took off

out of van eyes which I never do made a left on the 101 right over the 405 right past the Macy's all those beautiful houses in the hills there in in the valley and then we went to the Kauanga pass and there's those you know those wires there that can get you fucking killed so I was make sure I'm high enough right universal then there's the wires and then on the right you go right by the Hollywood bowl then you're into Hollywood and then there's the Capitol Records building and then straight ahead you got Silver Lake and then Dodger Stadium and then I went around downtown LA then followed the 10 took a look down to see how they were coming along with the new Rams San Diego charges Los Angeles charge of stadium I mean I think looks like a fucking spaceship landed obviously I was

looking at that north of the tent because all south of the 10 that's all Bravo airspace LAX which usually has like fucking both runways open and you'll look over and you'll see like you know two fucking planes giant fucking commercial jets and then you know if you look further ahead there's two landing and these little ones behind it you know it's fucking bananas so then we went up over Beverly Hills Pacific Palisades up Malibu went around was that point doing out there and then I just banged the right went up over the hills came out Calabasas Kardashian country and then just rejoined the 101 and right back to Van Nuys and was fucking sick I absolutely loved it and I just realized you know I just talked to my wife about it I was just going like you know I think

I want to start that instrument training again you know and then I just picked the hours of when my daughter's napping you know and I just said I'll crush it in the morning with my son you know I'll handle everything and then you know when I put my daughter down for the nap then I'll go run out I'll do like an hour long lesson or something like that and come back a couple two three times a week gives me something to work towards because I'll be honest with you guys I started fucking cleaning out my office and I'm essentially done and when I'm done with that I don't have anything else to fucking do which means I will then what I found is that I'll then settle into this fucking depressive thing I'm not being able to do what I love doing for a living which is going out making

you motherfuckers laugh that's what I do and then I hear you laugh and it makes me feel good about myself and I haven't had that for fucking months and I'm feeling sad man yeah I don't think I realized how much I got out of doing stand-up like I knew it in the beginning it was the most exciting fucking thing ever that I was do I couldn't fucking believe that I was doing it it was what I always wanted to do was what I fantasized about doing but I just never thought I would do it because I fantasized about a bunch of shit when I was a kid and nothing ever happened and I was really living in my head and just I don't to this day I don't know how the fuck when I think about the things that fell into place that just sort of threw me onto that path I easily

could have been thrown off of it and I don't know where the fuck I would be right now but in the beginning when I would get a laugh it would so fucking fill me up because it was all new and exciting and all of that type of shit and then after a while becomes something that you've done for a long time and then your my happiness was bent on if the new thing I tried worked or if I something I just showed some sort of growth although I will say I was having more fun than I'd ever fucking had right before this whole bullshit thing happened but anyways I miss I cannot fucking wait I cannot wait for this shit to be over and as they say that they might be shutting us down again but it seems like everybody's finally on board using the masks and once again

people that is not a political issue we could just keep that out of the red tie blue tie fucking bullshit this is this could have been such a great opportunity after all these years of the divide between the right and left it could have been such a great opportunity to fucking bring people together you know on some way we're all working on this common thing but everything just becomes devices that's all they do and I just can't believe people keep taking the fucking bait if they can turn 9 11 into a politically divisive fucking moment you know why I remember really early on people tried to blame bush that that happened and then people on the right were like well everything leading up to it was going on when Clinton was in office it just

became fucking sick what are you guys doing a fucking idiot don't you know for all this shit about people who watch sports being morons which I definitely am if you learn a lot playing sports for all these fucking people it's fucking rape culture whatever they know these fucking assholes are never you know played sports you fucking learn immediately that if you if you're not fucking with the team not like how much power you have to fuck the whole thing up and you learn that all it takes is a couple two three people to turn the fucking locker room in the wrong fucking direction against the coach that's all it takes you got 40 fucking people on the team you get two three people who don't fucking buy in the whole thing goes down the shitter and you're

not going to have any wins and as far as I can see god damn it CNN and Fox News are those fucking two or three cunts in the fucking locker room anyway sorry so I think I'm gonna start back up flying again and get my instrument I mean it really bothered me like I don't like not finishing shit to have it I got into I least the love not finishing shit I was the biggest procrastinator ever but it's the habit that I sort of got into well definitely got into once I got into show business where I just sort of learned really quickly that nobody gives a fuck whether your dream comes true or not that's nobody else's responsibility so and I learned that you know if I don't you know if I have an idea great whatever right if I don't fucking finish that

idea and then bring it to my fucking people who then spit it out into this business nothing's gonna fucking happen and sitting around saying you got nothing happened if you go out and make something now you got something happening so I kind of got into that which has helped me out I was gonna say hasn't helped me my fucking diet which I'm back on again turning the fucking ship around my problem with dieting is I just look at it like a number I want to get my stomach flat and get to this fucking weight and then I look at it like that's done and then I go back to fucking eating steak and cheeses and not having root beer floats and all the dumb shit I do now because I'm fucking sober back in the day I'd go back to boozing so whatever I have to look at it as a

lifestyle change I think that's what I need to do all right let's plow ahead here let's talk about some NHL by the way the troubadour thing was a huge success we had a hundred posters and they sold out in like the first hour and I and I knew the troubadour was a legendary venue but let's let's read a quick little Wikipedia thing here and I'm gonna definitely do another show next month troubadour was open in 1957 initially was a little coffee shop and it quickly moved to its initial location it's permanent location now so I would guess that that was somewhere around like 1960 or something like that the first couple two three years it was somewhere over on La Cienega before it moved to Santa Monica Boulevard just east of Doheny so here's some of the people that

the troubadour played an important role Hoyt Axton Jackson Brown BTS the birds they had their first performance ever the birds Eagles Elton John's first American performance was their Carol King love Joni Mitchell Van Morrison Bonnie Ray Red Hot Chili Peppers Linda Ronstan JD Souther James Taylor Tom Waits and other prominent and successful performers who played performances they're establishing the future their future fame 1962 comedian Lenny Bruce was arrested on obscenity charges for using the word schmuck on stage one of the arresting officers was Sherman Block who would later become the Los Angeles County Sheriff Buffalo Springfield debuted at the club in 1966 Randy Newman started out there on August 25th 1970

Neil Diamond who just recorded his first live album at the album at the troubadour introduced Elton John who performed his first show in the United States at the troubadour comics Cheech and Chong and Steve Martin were discovered there in the early 70s 1974 John Lennon and his friend Harry Nielsen were ejected from the club for drunkenly heckling the smothers brothers 1975 Elton John returned to do a series of special anniversary concerts in November 2007 James Taylor and Carol King played a series of concerts commemorating the nightclub's 50th anniversary and reuniting the two from their 1970s performance and then it just continued on a new wave and punk came along bad religion flipper the meat puppets napalm death and

Red Cross LA residents in proto grunge bands the melvins or melvins had played the troubadour stage 24 times and counting as of 2019 you get it right and then into my era glam bands metal bands hair bands fucking whatever the fuck you want to call them candy Cinderella guns and roses LA guns motley crew poison rat warrant and wasp became synonymous with the club guns and roses played their first show at the troubadour and were also discovered by David gethen geffen Fiona apple look at it mud honey it just keeps going Papa roach radio head and so on and so forth so that's why we did the show over there I mean Jesus Christ me could spend a lifetime just listening to that goddamn music oh speaking of which speaking of old Billy fucking white

cakes here old trace leche fucking thighs the whitest fucking person ever dose leche that's what they call my fucking legs I actually downloaded some hip hop which I never fucking do because I never know what anything is this is what I downloaded Marco Polo and master ace I downloaded a song nostalgia and then sitting on chrome that album I downloaded EPMD because I'm an Eric Sermon fan I got strictly business and out of business it's funny that guy gave me all that rap shit and I fucking didn't download any but I still have it so I got to get to that and then I downloaded a leaders of the new school buster rhymes first group a future without a past and then I don't know how this got into my timeline because

I wasn't following him you know not on a personal level I just you know there's a lot of fucking people to follow on Instagram fat Joe was talking about this guy Hector Levoe who's like you know I guess the king of salsa music and shit like that I've always found that stuff fascinating particularly I mean the drums already confusing enough I'm white as shit so I don't know anything about that but the piano playing in salsa music I find fascinating how it fits into the whole thing and I just downloaded Hector Levoe's greatest hits and I gotta tell you man it's just there's not a bad one on it and I have no idea what he's singing about or anything I absolutely fucking love it so there you go little helicopter

flying a little bit of fucking new music and all of a sudden I'm right as rain get ready for the 4th of July here I'm back to working out and eat and write I'm gonna do turkey burgers on 4th of July just because we're trying to eat up some shit that's in the fridge I would fucking go out to get the burgers I might still get you gotta have a burger right I got hot dogs too and I'm all out of cigars so I'm back to my cigar sabbatical I had a great fucking time I follow Laura's cigars on Instagram and they had this great picture of those torpedo cigars they had they had the one that's in the gold the gold one I don't know I'm the sad I like the sapphire in the afternoon and an emerald if it's nighttime and I had a little

cappuccino there I don't even drink coffee but there's just something about that whole thing and it's always on some like you know it's like sunny but there's an overhang there's some sort of coffee shop thing going on you know it's just what the whole it's what fucking it's literally literally what life is about if you can occasionally do that in the afternoon nice laura sapphire little cappuccino even though I don't fucking drink hanging with the buddy or maybe just being by yourself and just not thinking of anything I mean that's that's what that's what the fuck it's all about all right let's let's do a little I think I got an ad read don't I I believe I did I can get this fucking window out of the way here all right okay all

things comedy football tournament okay oh by the way I got a little bone to pick with 24 hour sports networks guys I've watched a ton of sports in my life but I didn't watch every game ever and I don't remember every game ever could just when you've shown old games which is all sports fans have do you have to have the fucking result it's always like Cardinals clinch the pennant Yankees beat the fucking Brooklyn Dodgers I was watching a fucking game from 1952 now I know the 55 Brooklyn Dodgers finally won it so I knew in 52 they weren't gonna win it but like they had I mean who was anybody else it was like the San Francisco Giants I'm like I know they won one like 54 something like that somewhere in there maybe it was 52 I could actually enjoy the fucking

game the games new to me anyway all right well if you want some new football we got we got the best we can give you right now all things comedy football tournament all things comedy is teaming up with the sports gambling podcast to give you football in July the SGP guys are going to be simulating the 2019 NFL playoffs on Madden and doing live play-by-play the games will be streamed on the all things comedy YouTube channel and you can even bet on the games they're going to be using the 2020 roster so Cam Newton is going to be on the Patriot plus they're giving away $10,000 in sportsbook credits for their playoff contest the first game starts on July 3rd 8 p.m. Eastern for all the information go to sportsgamblingpodcast.com slash ATC all lowercase that's sports

gamblingpodcast.com slash ATC COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital some never came back truth is our community deserves better better resources we can trust to protect ourselves a good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted find out more we can do at covid-resources.com or call 877-904-5097 see by the way speaking of which what do you guys think about cam newton to the new england patriots personally i love it i know by the end he was kind of getting a bad rap down there in carolina but i just think that that's not a good organization or i shouldn't say that they're not in a good place right now that organization and with his talents he got frustrated

and uh you know i think he goes into the with the patriots and you know the starting position is up for grabs even though they said it was the other guy i don't even know his fucking name sorry two kids under um three and under what do you want from me um i love that signing i love that signing and i think uh we shall see how that works out but now that gives us definitely more than a fighting chance um you know am i nuts cam newton's got plenty left in the tank if things doesn't work don't work out with the other guy right am i crazy i don't know i'm just wishful fucking thank you so next next season the season coming up here which we should all be excited about but the covid who knows what the fuck's gonna happen uh my thing was if the patriots didn't somehow get

back there i wanted to see the kansas city chiefs versus tampa bay buccaneers and i wanted to see tom brady win number seven um and that would just that would be it and then i would i just want to hear what the fuck they would say then you know how he fucking cheated then i that that that's what the fuck i just then what the fuck are you gonna say all right buffalo sabers trade with the broans rumor right all right typing this shit in here the trade rumor that's so that that eiffel guy whatever the fuck the eiffel tower guy jack eichel to the bruins seems unlikely ah fuck well they were gonna it was like jake debrusk uh two other guys and then two number one picks i just think two number ones was too much but that that would have been um that would have been

crazy um although i i love debrusk but um i'm wondering if the other bruins go going to or do they have any plans to address um the fact that we have nobody to go out there and really just like settle it down you know that people can just take liberties with us um because i really think that the st louis blues exposed um the bruins nashville and uh uh san ose i believe nashville i think that was you know they just went out there and punched him in the face and we had nothing we had no fucking answer and uh that was just such a fucking weird year that's what's killing me man i know that they're gonna do the playoffs i just need to put that year behind me it was a

particularly difficult fucking loss where it was just like what the fuck i thought these i thought you weren't allowed to do that anymore well you weren't allowed to do it but they can save never won one in 50 years it was just like what the fuck and and then i got this weird thing where it was just like i loved the style of play st louis was playing i missed hockey being like that but then they took it away from us and then one team's playing it and then they stopped calling it they pulled it all fucking decade they penalized it out of the fucking game i i know i know i sound like fucking i'm on a goddamn loop here i'll never get over it i'll get over it i just need an i just need another stanley cup to go by um all right so those were the trade rumors and i was

just excited just to hear a fucking trade rumor that something was going to happen so all right before i get out of here i just want to thank all you guys that uh tuned into the troubadour podcast and donated money during this this fucking nightmare that we're going through i know a lot of people aren't working so uh thank you so much for that and um i'm kind of glad i didn't look at the troubadour's wikipedia page or i would be even more intimidated going on that stage which by the way is the stage is so fucking small it's ridiculous because in in my head and every time i'm going to see a show there you know the place is packed it just feels like it's bigger and i've always felt i was talking about that on the podcast like i remember the first time i went to the

comedy cellar during the day i couldn't believe how fucking small it was at night when the lights are out and it's fucking packed and there's all those great comics there and you're feeling like man oh my god do you hear what someone so said and this person did that and it just sort of drives you to get better it just feels fucking gigantic and i remember getting up there just being like this little ass room scares the shit out of me at night i can't believe this um anyway uh or at least it did back in the day it scared me and then now now it just feels like fucking home oh and i miss new york i haven't been there in forever all right well that's it but guess what old billy fly boy is back back on the stick there uh

and um i'm gonna get back into this shit give me something to work towards uh and if i've learned anything in this fucking business as much as i talk about wanting to retire when i'm 70 which i might want to um just going through this fucking this shit is what it feels like to be fucking retired just puttering around the fucking house i would go out of my fucking mind out of my fucking mind so i don't see that happening at any point which is good because i don't think that bankers at this point will let you retire um keep running on that wheel keep will keep putting your money in play so we can sort of take it if you keep it on the sidelines we'll take even more of it you know but it's your money you do what you want with it all right let's

not get into that oh by the way i did a great uh bill burt um episode this guy uh anthony i already forget his last name talking about bitcoin and that type of stuff it was really really fascinating and a lot of people were saying like bill you look bored as shit i wasn't bored as shit i had my head in my hands because i was thinking about how if the dollar were to go away and i had to start all over again on the other side of 50 with two kids you know three and under um it was pretty scary so um and i actually thought that i was going to get accolades for actually asking some really good questions but of course i didn't you know why because it's the internet everybody the internet is like that friend you have that for it takes you 20 years to be like why am i hanging

out with this person it takes you 20 years to get rid of them because you met them early on in life that's what it is they're almost sentimental and you didn't notice that they were as their life wasn't working out that they were slowly dragging down yours um i say that as the internet and the power of the internet brought me everything that i have i think so i'm sorry internet maybe i'm the thing that the internet needs to get rid of all right that is the podcast everybody um hang in there wear your goddamn mask if you can get tested get fucking tested and for the love of god let's all try to be pulling from the same side here can we all pull in the same direction ah jesus christ bill let's just lip service you know it ain't gonna happen oh fuck you

something positive it's gonna happen it's gonna happen people are gonna stop watching 24 hours news networks they're gonna reach out to their neighbor they're gonna realize that it's okay to be a little bit different right reach out from a safe distance with their neighbor right so what's gonna happen i don't know maybe bitcoins the answer i don't know all right that's the podcast everybody go fuck yourselves have a great weekend your cunts and happy 4th of july to everybody and uh i will i will talk to you on monday oh some of the busiest rhymes ever made by man are going into this mic written by this hand

are coming out of this mouth made by this tongue i tell you now my name is young but so you think that this is destiny to get the best of me but i suggest to be quiet but don't even try it from the east and west of me taking it to never breaking it don't even shaking it grooving it to know it's moving it because i'm not thinking it pulling out rhymes like books off the shelf born in england mason holless talk to go for myself this is stone cold rhyme and no feels no flux and there's no accident that these rhymes sound tough i'm going off baby there's no turning back i'm on the tv on the album cassette and they track it when the show is finally finished i'll be taking my bag my name is jungler yo i got no half you know what's going on it's bill burr and it's

the monday morning podcast for monday july 2nd 2012 what's going on it's the first week of july oh my god the summer is just flying by i can't can you believe it can you believe that it's it's july can you believe that we spent all of june going can you believe it's june i hate people to say that even though i make fun of it all the time which probably annoys the shit out of you but i hate people who fucking live in the past you know like what did you think that you were going to achieve in june you know did you get a sunburn good well then it was a good month yes time isn't flying by yes you are going to fucking die so why don't you quit sitting around talking about how it's going by and why don't you go do something huh hypothetical person that i never

even heard say this shit do you know there's allegedly an asteroid not allegedly it i guess there is an asteroid i mean far i fucking know there isn't one it's now like i have a telescope it's goddamn scientist i think they do that just so they can keep they can have a job they just look through this giant telescope nobody else looks through it would you see dude there's an asteroid heading right towards his man it's gonna kill everybody unless you give us four billion dollars but you're fucking nerds that's i think the scientists at that level they're they're just like bankers at that level just complete corrupt pieces of shit you know every once in a while you see a good one you know you meet an honest one

that'll sit there and be like you know ah i don't know what to tell you we've pretty much mapped out all the way to the end of the universe and i still have just as many questions as when i started which once again is why uh that that poor metheus or whatever the fuck it was called was such a good movie why can't i remember the names um so anyways it's supposed to be evidently there's this asteroid heading right towards us you know and rather than just letting it happen you know and just ending the fucking movie we're gonna send some shit up there to try to land on it and make fuck with its trajectory we're gonna we can shoot some stuff at it and then and then what and then what we're gonna keep living until we destroy the entire fucking atmosphere

and just make this whole place unlivable all right we're done it's over you know what i mean you ever go to a fucking uh like vegas or you go to atlantic city and you look up on a billboard and you're like that motherfucker is still doing shows what is he doing it's over nobody fucking cares go fucking figure out how to make your own jam you know your own jelly and start a start a new business no one wants to fucking listen to you sing that goddamn song that was a hit in 1974 the day the music died can you imagine that poor bastard singing that song he's even still alive if he's dead it's because of that song i've been singing that for 40 fucking years and they were singing bye oh madonna

did a cover of that didn't she did she do a house version some gay guys with some tied off shirts behind her making it new yet keeping it old um she's uh you know what's amazing about her because she continued to work out you know it's fucking incredible her body is like you know looks like a fucking 18 year old but there's some reason that you can't you can't uh work out on your face there's no like face pull-ups and i don't give a fuck if you get that faceless shit and everything you know you still look old you just can't you can't fucking beat it which is why you don't sit around going oh my god it's fucking july already with your bud light and your cigarette shut your face your freckled whore um i live in the past a lot i do every morning when i take my dog for a

walk i listen to fucking music and half the time i'm fan i'm always fantasizing that's me singing it and playing like do you guys do that shit like you're uh like the you know like a utility infielder that can like play any position like i can play every instrument when i'm listening to the song and whoever is the standout in the that moment of the song whether it be the singer the or the fucking tambourine player whatever's stealing my focus that's who i am and half the time i'm doing it 30 years ago in my high school auditorium and the whole school is going wow that guy is awesome and every once in a while i'll actually step out of the fantasy and go billy you know there's really something fucking wrong with you and then i just laugh you know oh i throw my head back and i

cackle and my dog looks at me like what the fuck is wrong with you and then she takes the shit and i pick it up that's my morning that's how my morning works then i come back and i make myself a little breakfast um underrated fucking that's such a boston fucking cooking cooking for yourself and even more underrated cooking for your friends i actually uh i worked with uh kevin shay fucking hilarious jason lawhead cleveland zone and that's not a lie that's the truth cleveland zone jason lawhead who's just growing by leaps and bounds keeps getting funnier and uh i actually i made those guys at dinner before we went out before we went out to uh ontario the inland empire i was teasing them all fucking weekend about that name the fucking inland empire who do you

guys plan on conquering next just saying shit like that um it really is a impressive badass name because i i think they actually call it the ie which is really bad you should just call it the inland empire you know when you just have a regular name like pittsburgh you got to come up with something to try to like jazz it up like you know when you come into the burg when you come into be more you know and it's yeah oh i almost said the most corniest joke ever can you be more douchey really fuck you it's monday morning i'm entitled to that um but you live in a place it's the inland empire you don't you don't have to fucking you don't have to make up a name you know what that fucking reminds me of i remember a long time ago

at the height at the tail end of the height of that fucking def jam style of stand-up comedy where you could just talk about white people like they were borderline retarded and white people would just sit there and laugh even though none of it made sense and you could even relate to it but the political correctness needle was at its peak so you you just felt like you had to laugh because if you didn't then you were maybe some roundabout racist do you remember that oh is that just my world um i saw this one-man show uh on broadway and this guy was doing this whole bit and he goes yeah me and my all my friends this latin dude he goes me and my friends would go we'd go into matty hatty and then he goes that's Manhattan for all you white people and everybody

laughed it's like i just right there i just zoned out of it that whole fucking show it's like fuck you you cunt you think i can't figure that out like that's some sort of like you like you're some apache and i'm the goddamn japanese and i can't break the fucking code i'm in manhattan you dumb cunt it's not like i'm watching this in kentucky i'm in fucking manhattan uh jesus christ fucking remix the name of this the goddamn town i'm in and it is a town manhattan is a town i know it's a bunch of people there and everything but it's really fucking small with no traffic you can drive from one end to the other in like 10 minutes i mean you're hauling ass but you can do it on the on the highways on the side me and do that with any fucking town out there right and they just got

everybody jammed together and fucking you know shooting up into the sky that's the thing about new york i i told you that before is is like you gotta uh you should live there at some point in your life and do it sooner rather than later do it like your 20s and then a little bit into your 30s and then get the fuck out that's perfect that's fucking perfect i was just talking to nia about that this morning we were cracking up about it like how we we got out i mean i actually stayed there too long but got out at the right time you know what i mean you know what it is about man you just can't get any fucking privacy everybody's just jammed in with each other and then like you don't give a fuck when you're young when you can go out and drink until fucking three in the

morning wake up still have abs and go to work at seven in the morning you know to fuck with some third world country's economy or whatever the hell it is those cunts do down on wall street right you can do that but fucking you start getting into your 30s and it's you just you can't do it anymore you just want to come home and you want fucking space you want quiet you know you can't fucking sit there and then there's going to be some new 20-something-year-old moving in next year he's going to be fucking raging for three years and going through breakups and fucking screaming at fucking girlfriends and all that crap and then there's going to be the person down the hall that's like 10 years older than you all right and you're starting to see them slipping into that you know

getting a few too many pets becoming like a gorophobic you know what i mean it just gets depressing after a while so now it's it's now it's great i can live out here and then i'll come back there i'll do a gig i hang for like a week and then i get the fuck out of there but i gotta admit when i go into the the comedy clubs it's fucking it's horrific i walk in and i'm looking for familiar faces my eyebrows are up and i'm looking around and there's nobody there that i remember anymore and it yeah it fucking kills me it's it's why i hate going home to my hometown i hate it because i moved away so long ago when i go back it's like a fucking time warp and i think i'm going to walk around town seeing people that i know and i don't see anybody and then maybe you run into somebody

that you do know and hopefully they've been going to the gym because if they haven't they're gonna quickly remind you how fucking old you are and i swear to god at that point i want to kill myself um and then what the fuck do i do how do i get out of that depression that's been my whole i don't what the fuck is in my throat here hang on a second hang on one second i gotta fucking hang on all right i'm back had hit pause there one of the rare times i have to hit the pause button i just went outside and i just you know hawked it up and just spit all over these plants and the second i did it i started laughing because i know the plants are just like really you know plants pull bastards you know what sucks about being a plant is you can't fucking

you can't like move you can't like you know oh here comes some fucking spittle and just sort of like slip a punch yeah i think that's what sucks about being a plant plant is you can't you can't slip a punch it would be my number one reason you know and then you're sitting there and a bunch of fire ants or whatever the fuck they are some sort of insect locusts just start eating you when you're just sitting there you know it's like you got fucking cement shoes on you know i bet after this fucking asteroid if it mercifully hits this fucking planet all right and ends us and we go down just like the dinosaurs like i think plants are going to take over next and there's going to be a big moment in their life when one of them finally has this sense to pull like part of their roots

out of the ground and just move over a couple inches then they'll gradually they'll grow feet right and then once they do that then you'll probably have your first like hand-to-hand combat somebody's going to get raped you know and then they'll invent some stuff and then they'll think that they're special and then they'll invent this invisible guy in the sky and then they'll fight over who has the right invisible guy and then another asteroid is going to hit that's what i think keep happening i think god just keeps making shit and waiting for people to fucking figure it out and he just keeps going ah god these ones are dumb too right you ever think like what he's doing on this planet is it's like somebody trying to build a hot rod you know and we're like the transmission

and we just keep slipping and they just ah fuck this you know what this doesn't fit this engine and then he just fucking throws an asteroid at the goddamn thing no well i do anyway so i was mentioning earlier that i um cleo cleo come here hang on a second cleo get in here sit out this fucking dog goes out there i don't understand it she goes out i left the door open she goes out in the backyard and she lays in the sun until she's panting like she just ran a marathon then she gets up drinks a bunch of water and then lays in the shade and then does it all over again and then at some point she fucking goes over and just starts eating the grass little blades of grass and it gets stuck in the back of her throat and then she goes for the rest of the fucking day

why do you do that huh when you get involved where you can fucking speak to me all right get over there lay down please do it do as i say hey where you going cleo get over here fucking walk away from me on my podcast lay down down sit stop looking at me like that all right go outside go on get out of here see that that's why i'm gonna be a horrible parent all right here's a fucking ice cream um anyways yeah so cooking for somebody is fucking great you know what i love about it there's a rush that comes as they're coming over you know you're trying to time it so it's fucking perfect you're trying to make it look good and then there's this panic that you're gonna fuck it up and that there's gonna be this awkward silence because it sucks right and this

is the thing i'm cooking for two comedians so if it sucks they're gonna tell me especially that cunt kevin shea he doesn't give a fuck that guy you know kev by the way is an unbelievable singer but he's embarrassed um i don't know he has like this hidden talent like he fucking i caught him one time when i walked in the green room he was singing by himself i thought he had the fucking radio on he's unbelievable so ladies get him to sing for you when you go and see him out on the road kevin shea sh ea um so anyways i fucking uh yeah there's like this rush like are they gonna are they gonna like it i think i think it sucks and uh fortunately i pulled it off and they loved it and uh i didn't get trashed by them the entire fucking way out there that

would have been a long drive who the fuck told you you could cook um you're listening to the monday morning podcast everybody i hope you're having a good monday settling into the july fourth weekend or middle of the week then don't you hate one like the july fourth what's it what's it uh a wednesday second third fourth yeah wednesday ah that fucks you you know what i mean because if it's a tuesday if it lands on a tuesday or a thursday maybe they'll give you that monday or that friday off you can somehow get a four-day fucking weekend out of it or even still even if they don't give you the friday you just go monday tuesday wednesday you get fucking thursday off you dick around on friday you're still half cocked from the fucking barbecue right and then it's

the weekend it's a great fucking time but when it falls on the wednesday those cunts make you come in monday tuesday you take a little bit of a break then thursday friday ag you know you're still getting a day off out of it but you know you know what i mean when it lands on that monday or it lands on that fucking friday okay my world that's america if i was president july fourth would always be on a monday definitely definitely would be on a monday every fucking year and people well you know that actually lands on the seventh and i'd be like hey who picks up the red phone me or you all right go fuck yourself then okay it's on the seventh this year do we even know that they signed it on the fucking fourth do we four school and seven years ago did somebody really say that

do you have any fucking idea oh by the way i actually saw uh abraham lincoln vampire hunter this past week and uh i gotta tell you um i got tickets for free before you think i'm the dumbest person on the planet but i actually had faith in that movie because i was like all right there has to be a reason they made this because this just seems like the most ridiculous idea i've ever heard of my life and i went and i saw it and there was really no surprise it was exactly what i thought it was gonna be uh it was just a vampire hunter who happened to be abraham lincoln and they just invented all of this shit i'm sure it was a good book maybe i don't think it was it was like some nerd shit and i shouldn't have i shouldn't have seen it

i was all right i was drinking when i saw it i was fucking hammered by the end of it you know what i mean it's like when your team goes down 11 runs the fucking two innings in you're like ah fuck it might as well drink what are we gonna do go home to the wives you know what i'm saying right hey yeah um you know the worst part was it was in 3d and i fucking hate 3d movies i really hate that's just that right there when a movie's in 3d that is a very secretive little fucking nod in the wink going hey hey this movie sucks this movie sucks so bad we had to make shit float around you to keep it mildly entertaining i hate 3d and you know what sucks about 3d now is they fucking they're making shit in 3d that doesn't even need to be in 3d you know back in the day all right

friday the 13th part 3 in 3d you know we shot that fucking arrow and it comes at you all right cool that was cool but like in nowadays the guys like abraham here's your pen the guy just reads hands of pen like why is that in 3d am i supposed to wow it was almost like he was handing that pen to me that thing that actually happens to me in real life that happens to me in real life a guy with a hockey mask on shooting an arrow at me does not fucking happen near a lake or not near a lake it doesn't fucking happen make that in 3d don't just have somebody sitting at a fucking desk in 3d so i feel like i'm in the office ah it's so fucking stupid you know what i mean i don't know what the fuck i'm saying anymore um you know what how about a little bit of

advertising a little bit of advertising oh jeez i have to keep putting the fucking password in this why do i have to have a password on my computer as if what i'm doing on this thing is so goddamn important top secret what is the password what is the password we can't have the world have access to your shit jokes all right um no i'm in the wrong area here i'm in the wrong area find it find it here it is okay quick advertising only two only two this week all right amazon.com everybody hey do you go to amazon.com and you buy yourself some freddy mercury tank tops and dance around your bathroom you know sweating it up right well um if you'd like to uh donate to my podcast and the wounded warrior project just go to billbird.com click on the podcast page

take your pretty little eyes scan over to the right you're going to see the amazon uh banner you click on that it brings you right to amazon and then purchase till your heart is fulfilled you don't have to buy anything i'm not saying that there's no pressure here this is the soft cell i'm leaning back right now i got my hands up in the air like hey you know i didn't touch them i said this is how i'm doing this whole sales thing okay so don't feel like i'm pressuring you you can walk right out of the showroom i'm all right with it i made myself a turkey sandwich and an apple i'll take my lunch um it doesn't raise the price or anything you buy whatever you want on amazon and then they kick a percentage back up to me and i take 10 of that i give it and

then i i i round it up to the nearest hundred i'm gonna actually kick in some even more i've been been doing all right lately and it's just a great cause it makes you feel good so um if you if you do it god bless you if you don't i understand hands are up hey not trying to make you do anything you don't want sir ma'am sunny boy all right advertising number two gamefly.com gamefly.com are you sick of the real world and want to disappear in 8 000 video games where you're a hero instead of the person you truly are we all do listen gamefly.com 8 000 videos that is insane they'll mail them to your home or they'll take them directly to your pc um when you're done playing them you can mail them back and the process continues monthly fees are a fraction of what a new game costs yeah this is

why this totally makes sense because once you're done with the game nine times out of 10 what do you what do you do it's just more clutter it's just another stack of crap you have to put in a box when you go to move all right this is what this is what i would do if i was a gamer all right if i was a gamer i would go do gamefly.com i'd play all those games i'd send back all the ones that i'm done with and i don't care about and then the special ones i'd just buy those be perfect then i get to sample everything you know what i mean it's like finding a wife and you got 8 000 women coming right you get to hook up with all of them this is like what what they promised to terrorists and you don't even have to blow yourself up this

is one of the greatest things ever uh the games fit playstation xbox we and even your pc uh for money morning podcast listeners uh you get a free two disc 15 day trial that's a $23 value that's all it cost that's almost free but 15 days free 8 000 all the ladies you want that's a metaphor for games uh by going to www.gamefly.com slash burr or through the banner ad on billburr.com slash podcast page all righty there you go and that's the advertising for this week wasn't that painless by the way by the way i think it's time i think we're about you know 17 minutes in i think it's about time i padded myself on the back how about that download speed last week huh how about that i didn't hear any complaining you know hundreds and hundreds of

people bitch moaning and fucking why are you parking at such a long download right so i finally fixed a goddamn problem and what do i get i get like five tweets going hey i really appreciate it you know what happened to the rest of you cunts you went on the bitch about something else you don't like the photo on my fucking page you know you ever stop and thinking about you know maybe finding out what you're really upset about jesus christ could i use that advice huh um all right let's talk about something in the news shall we um i actually like i said i didn't even watch any tv this week this is just a really weird time of the year for me where the nhl and the nba have ended the nfl hasn't started up yet i'll watch a little wimbledon i'll watch a little bit

of that world cup soccer i would have the fuck you call it the european championship i wrote for germany i'm mostly german you know i wrote for those guys who'd they lose to they lost to italy and then spain kicked the shit out of italy um it's great i can watch any sport when a championship is on the line i don't give a shit what it is because you you feel that energy from the fucking crowd you know what i mean like i would go like if i was driving by a little league field and somebody said that was the championship game of little league i would actually pull over and watch it from my car like a creepy pedophile no i would i would i would walk up and i would sit amongst the parents so they would they would

not feel uncomfortable um but like i don't i don't uh i stopped watching the news years ago it just was i couldn't watch it anymore the same reason why i stopped going to church i was just like this isn't what's going on what they're telling me isn't is a guess i i just don't buy it to it you know other than that's why i like sports i like watching espn because what they say is true for the most part the fillies did win two to one there was 30 000 witnesses they saw it happen that other shit when you start telling me what's going on in fucking frankfurt or fucking vienna god damn fucking cairo i don't i don't know is it is that what happened is that footage actually from that from that fucking place did that happen this week am i still gonna keep asking questions

will this ever end i don't know um sorry you know every once in a while i get in one of those in my brain it just i can't i try to get out of it and then i just it's like somebody else takes it over do you know those kind of people that do that shit when they're explaining something to you and then they start asking questions for you like if they were teaching you how to cook you know so you put the water in the pan do i bring it to a boil almost do i throw salt salt in not necessarily and you're like dude who the fuck are you talking to at this point oh here's a nice trick for you for your pasta that somebody taught me you pour a little olive oil in there keeps the the pasta from sticking together you know evidently that's what the salt is supposed to do i thought it

flavored the water i didn't realize that was supposed to help it not stick together um oh i made a great fucking meal not gonna lie to you not gonna fucking lie to you spaghetti and fork and meatballs delish um anyways it's like i said i haven't been watching a lot of shit on the news i just don't watch it you know i think they they should have to fucking sing the news the way they do in the catholic church you know there was a guy who got attacked by two monkeys in south africa he decided he was gonna go down there and try to rehabilitate some chimpanzees that had been abused and they turned around dragged them for two kilometers and kicked the shit out of him what a dumb fuck why would you fly across the world to get your fucking ass kicked did you

guys hear about this dude south africa texas student attacked by chimp improves thank god he improves this poor fucking bastard he's a ranger right he loves animals this is the thing about animal lovers you gotta realize that once you go past a certain level of domestic animal and you start getting into the wild no matter how much you love them they're not going to love your back wild animals are like that dick you shouldn't have gone out with you know that person who cheated on you that person who just doesn't have your back wild animals do not have your back your dog has your back your cat borderline cats kind of have that creepy vibe that if shit went bad they'd side with the intruder you know what i mean fish they just don't have any fucking say

they're like a stepford wife you know that's why dogs are the best they it's they truly fucking love you my dog fucking loves me we'll be on a walk and all of a sudden she just looked up me it's almost like she's smiling you know how fucking warped do i sound she's probably just panting and it looks like she's smiling it's probably going like why does he have this fucking rope around my neck this doesn't make any sense to me if i really wanted to i could rip his fucking face off but in my world i'm so in love with my dog look she's smiling at me but that's not bad when you just have a dog i think people who fucking you know fuck with animals for wild wild animals they start thinking like oh look at the cheetah oh she's playing and all of a sudden

this fucking launches itself at you all right i believe that we came from monkeys i believe that we came from the apes i believe something else so there's three in a row and this sounds smooth um but i by no means think that uh that those fucking things like us i don't give a shit if i teach it sign language and the chimps sitting there going in sign language hey i think you're a cool guy there freckled face cunt you know that there's no fucking way i'm ever going on the other side of the goddamn cage this poor bastard was on the other he was on the other side of the cage he just got too close that's how fucking insane a wild animal is chimpanzees they say have the strength of six six men this dude got attacked by two chimps that would be like

getting attacked by a flash mob okay like 12 fucking people they just grabbed this motherfucker by his ankles they reached underneath i mean i don't want kind of bullshit cage they had it was like a compound you know so they put up that that that cheap wire shit when you don't want to wrap it to come in and eat your lettuce right in your garden like they put that shit up so this fucking guy sitting there you know is they going doing that shit and he's like what are you guys trying to tell me what are you trying to tell me right and he's trying to sign to him you guys want to play frisbee right and they're sitting there talking to each other going just two more inches two more inches look at this dumb motherfucker who wants to play frisbee right and they reach

underneath grab them by his fucking ankles strength of 12 men they fucking pull them right underneath that goddamn thing like when you go to quiz nose and they stick your sub right through that poor excuse for a fucking brick oven yanked motherfucker right underneath oh my god and then they dragged them for like another fucking two kilometers however fucking far that is i don't know in my world that's uh what's that about a mile and a quarter because i know like 40 kilometer like 60 kilometers is like 40 miles an hour who gives a fuck they drag this son of a bitch basically through the length of every football stadium in the nfl and i can guarantee you it wasn't the nice turf that those guys play on this was the natural habitat like i can't imagine the

vice grip strength those those fucking things man they'll rip your foot off to rip your balls off to rip your face off they'll rip it off like you open a fucking goddamn thing a yogurt goddamn ice cream when you just take the lid off they do that to your face what the fuck are you doing near these goddamn things you know jesus fucking christ i would have two tranquilizer guns and i would be wearing one of those fucking you know those suits you wear when you you think you're gonna get bitten by a shark that chain link shit there's no fucking way there's no way fucking catcher's mask welded to my face i'm not going anywhere and not only that these aren't just regular fucking chimps that have been swinging around eating bananas occasionally eating another

monkey alive right this isn't that shit these are ones that were abused they were already fucked with okay and having adopted a fucking abused dog and the goddamn schizo shit that that thing does i can't fucking imagine a goddamn schizophrenic fucking eight two of them strength to 12 goddamn men and you're gonna walk near the cage trying to sign hey how about the weather frank or whatever fucking human name you gave him you're right you're already a fucking god bless you your heart's in the right place fortunately this kid doesn't seem like he had any damage like that but like this dude was so in shock like they were finally able to just like stitch him up and stabilize him and evidently he's not in critical condition and it doesn't seem like it seems like

he still has his balls his feet and his face which is incredible but they say you know he has bite marks and uh and fractures plural oh my god just treating you like a fucking ragdoll that is the most horrifying shit in the world to me nature is the most horrifying shit i would rather have oh let's see you know what the human equivalent someone has to come into my house with a fucking chainsaw i can deal with the goddamn i could deal with the machete all right i could deal with that chainsaws that that's hardcore i could fuck a machete i could deal with i think i could fucking do the the sugar ray Leonard you know stick my face out and then pull it back when you took a swing and then fucking try to take both your legs out

only hardcore boxing fans got that one um but i mean if you were in a room with the chimp and that thing goes fucking apeshit no pun intended that thing is on the floor it's up on the ceiling it's across the room it's like it's like a comet and you're sitting there dealing with human speed dude that's why we got the brains that we have this why it was so much smarter we have to be because we're so fucking slow you know what i mean you ever see the white guy who gets dunked on in those highlight films you know that fucking guy that they bring off the bench when the team's either up by 30 or down by 30 that guy that's what we are in nature even the fucking athletic humans you know when nowhere near just think like a how fast a fucking snake is a fucking pit viper viper

right that thing fucking you don't you're a bit and that thing has left left the fucking building before you even did before that signal from your fucking leg going hey we just got bit by a goddamn pit viper even reaches your brain that snake is already leaving and then you go and then the real is and as the realization that you got bit hits you you are you're already collapsing why the fuck would you go out there you know i don't know we had to be that fucking smart i can't imagine that the goddamn fear back in the fucking day you're walking around with a bunch of goddamn neanderthals or whatever neanderthals i guess is how you supposed to say i said neander fall my entire life but it's neander tall i guess and what what else was there there was two tribes

one of them died off there was neanderthals and then there was the fucking crow magnums and i forget what the fuck we are one of them one and the other ones the other one of them was a little bit smarter and the other ones were a little dumber and the dumber ones died off all right and some people have a little bit of that crow magnum or neanderthal in them you know because you know they're people they fuck right it's gonna be the dumbest education podcast you're never gonna fucking hear i just totally lost my train of thought the fuck was i talking about oh neanderthals right so i can't imagine just fucking walking around did you ever see that shit when they did that whole thing on crow magnums and neanderthals like one of them was like

fucking slower like the the fucking white dude in the nba and one of them was a little bit quicker a little bit smarter so they fucking did this shit where like when they would show them like taking down some prehistoric bison like the fucking little smarter ones you know they could fucking you know that that shit they could slip a punch they could throw a goddamn spear they could do they could do it from a fucking distance like this fucking jackass he wasn't he was too close to the goddamn cage the fucking crow magnum whatever the dumber ones they would like fucking they would just brute strength they would fucking run and try to tackle the thing and someone would you know separate their shoulder or break an elbow and there's nobody around to set that shit

every step in your fucking non-existent shoes and your big stupid prehistoric foot is just having that pain shoot through your body i just can't imagine i can't imagine sitting there looking out of a cave and everything is that much faster than me and i don't have a fucking door i don't have a gun you just must be just sitting there like and you can't really communicate to the other person because language hasn't been developed yet so you're just having that what the fuck look on your face that was probably one of the first phrases invented like are you shitting me or can you fucking believe this i don't know but god bless that dude you're an animal lover i totally know where you're coming

from but for the love of fucking god those things are not your friends okay i don't know start p90x and stay away from that fucking cage jesus christ can you imagine that i'm getting dragged away by two fucking abused chimps and you know god damn well he saw that fucking opera one episode that woman came on with no face i know he was fucking thinking of that shit i hate those motherfuckers you know what it is i like gorillas i hate chimpanzees and i hate those little monkeys the little motherfuckers that throw their shit at you i can't stand those fuckers and i hate chimpanzees i always hated those motherfuckers i didn't know why and now i know why that was my inner fucking whatever the fuck caveman telling me get the fuck out here go back to the cave stupid

i don't trust them i don't i don't trust those fucking things you ever go to the zoo and you just fucking you just your eyes meet with like a lion just that fucking look on their face when they they this shit it's i've said this before it's like what the same look like when a hooker looks at you like it's it's the real deal you know this isn't some fucking bullshit flirting playing hard to get get a couple drinks out of you it's yeah you got 20 bucks i will suck your dick what you know lions got that same look on their face like yeah if you know if you weren't in that fucking armored vehicle or on the other side of this yeah if i was hungry i would eat you and uh no matter how much you screamed i wouldn't give a shit it would actually excite me more to

rip your fucking head off there's no way there's no way there's no fucking way that's why i watch all those animal things man i'm fascinated and i and i love and i appreciate all those people that put themselves in harm's way because there's no other way to really gauge how strong an animal is until you see it slap around a human being like i can't watch two fucking grizzly bears wrestle and slap each other they're they're in the same weight class you know i mean if i see him bitch slap a human being then i'm and watch the guy's head spin around a couple times like wow all right i get that i can now gauge that let's like yeah like like kilometers versus miles you know jesus all right i think we killed that subject um moving along holy fuck 40 minutes in

we got a bunch of good emails this week too so i gotta get to this shit all right um by the way if you'd like to email me and tell me to shut the fuck up or ask me a question or anything uh the official podcast email is bill at the mm podcast dot com bill at the capital m capital m capital p oddcast dot com that's it all right okay here's the first question alcohol hey fuckhead what's your favorite type of beer how often do you drink hard alcohol not sure why i want to know so badly but for some reason i do go fuck a poll you know people just because i have an over the top podcast doesn't mean that i don't have feelings to that was a guy like i've been such a cunt to everybody who's written into me like he's like all right i'm gonna be a cunt to you first so i guess i

deserve that all right what are the questions here what's your favorite type of beer uh all depends it all depends um there's beers that i like because they take me back to a fun time in my life make a low blight budweiser every time if i haven't had those beers for a while make a little blights the first beer i got drunk on and budweiser was the king of beers and i was a childhood of the 80s where you actually got a tattoo of the budweiser label on your arm you know as opposed to this fucking shit people do nowadays with chinese writing and i don't know that's even old um so like whenever i drink that shit it just takes me back to like uh when i lived in massachusetts season tickets to the patch

fucking ruins boston got you know trying to fucking get laid you know working in a warehouse no fucking debt you know all that shit so um i've tried to snobby beers you know something funny i don't like belgium beers i don't mind blue moon but i don't they're too sweet they got that sweet taste in them i don't like that i like beer more with the bite i like german beers um yeah it all depends i had like a fucking major thing with with guiness for the longest fucking time and then i went over to ireland and i tried the guiness over there and i couldn't tell the difference i was like i thought it's supposed to taste better over here and i drank it all fucking weak because i loved it and then when i came back to the states then

the shit that they had in the state tasted like ass and i've never kind of been able to go back to it so i don't even know if i answered the question and how often do i drink hard alcohol uh not that much but when i do oh jeez um i like scotch and i like whiskey i do you know i saw somebody recently who's been just drinking non-stop like always embrace the lifestyle you know cigar smoking fucking whiskey drinking hardcore and oh my god dude you can do that for a little while but you do that shit in the fifties man you get like you get that your bottom lip always looks like you just put fucking chapstick on it you know and then you get this big head you look like this guy he looked like a fucking old woman i can't even tell you he still has like a great head of hair and he had

like this badass rock star haircut that was a little short but because his head was so fucking big and his torso was all fucking you know man titted out that's what he looked like he looked like a eastern european 60 year old woman you know those women who look like they could rip a tree out of the ground i think bill marr said that they asked him why uh he doesn't drink anymore he goes yeah you know after a while you start looking like ted kennedy he's absolutely right um all right beef curtain advice and for those of you in the states that's a slang for the who uh beef curtains do the math think about it all right you ready okay here we go here's the situation i have a wonderful girl in my life oh what she does not a fuck that's what i'm guessing i'm guessing this is the way it's going i

have wonderful girl in my life great attitude humor big tits nice ass and a good family jesus christ dude marry this girl sure it seems good for now but i have one issue she also has some mean beef curtains then he put in parentheses pussy lips just in case i didn't know uh that kind of bug me bug the everliving shit out of me whenever we get down to the dirty business so much so to the point i looked up some cosmetic surgery that basically gives the beef curtains a trim job and beauty's the vagina wow dude wow all right now before i read the rest of this if you're gonna fucking ask me how to have this conversation like listen love i love you i love you i love your family i love you your heart everything but is there any way you could trim your beef curtains

maybe you can get away with it because you got that cool accent i don't know but she has it too so she's not going to give a fuck you may pull this off with some foreign chick anyways um so he looks up cosmetic surgery to try on a beautify the vagina now i know by now i must sound like a douchebag focusing on the little things no because women do that too women focus on little things like that that's a serious issue dude sex is a big fucking thing but anyways he says what my thinking is is i'm truly gonna pull the trigger he's felt it that way and keep this woman all to myself for the rest of my life aren't i entitled to have a great looking veg to look at for as long as our bodies don't wrinkle away wow i know there's a lot of women are fucking annoyed by this one

yeah what about you fucking dick and you wrinkled balls why don't you get a facelift for your sack there buddy i know they're all saying that um how can i ever bring this option up to her without i knew he's gonna ask me without completely destroying her feelings or making her hate me for being so pussy conscious thanks for the read now go fuck yourself all right this is a simple one dude there is no fucking way you can bring that up to her without absolutely completely destroying her feelings so you either need to accept this or you have to you have to let her go that's it that's it i mean i would think that if you actually truly cared about this girl now all the chicks are gonna be like oh i knew he had a heart underneath all those sea words

um if you truly care about this girl uh i would think that that wouldn't matter you know and if she looks the way she she's saying you're saying that she looks i mean what what are we talking here like how how far down are these things hanging as it like you know it's i mean if she got them both of them pairs could you like do like uh could you like oh it's bad i would say could you be like do you like that olympic what the fuck is that thing you go on the rings could you do that and still swing your feet up and not hit her pussy are we talking like it's that bad you know if you did the iron cross would your head be in her pussy like how far are these things hanging down hey now what's the deal with beef gardens all right

dude there's no way there's there's no fucking way and don't don't do that to her because she can't do anything about that if she had a problem with her fucking vaginal area you would have known by now because she would have been self-conscious and she would have brought it up the way sometimes girls do about parts of their bodies and they are super self-conscious about their bodies because we're so fucking visual all right i told you once i when the first girls i ever hooked up with when i got her shirt off and her bra off she rolled her eyes and i thought she was thinking that i i was like oh my god like i'm not doing it for like she's rolling her eyes like this guy's lame and i found out later she was self-conscious about the size of her breasts so i totally took

it the wrong fucking way i made it all about me because i'm self-involved so uh yeah don't do that to her all right either you can that that's one you just silently have in your head either you accept that shit or you move on but there's no reason to hurt this person because you're a shallow cut like me all right all right um cheers sister what is it sister sisters a christ i can't even fucking read you know what it is i put it into a different document and it doesn't show it for some reason capital letters don't show up in this this new fucking computer i'm uh just not liking it i have to read this because i think this is a funny title hang on hang on hang on hang on you know what's funny always hang on hang on hang on you know what that's from a long time ago when

fucking uh when eric clappton did uh unplugged and they played that stupid would you know my name like nine million times that fucking summer and you want to kill yourself but he he's got a moment at during that that is unplugged where he starts a song and he fucks up and he goes oh hang on hang on hang on hang on for some reason that is stuck in a loop in my head anytime i fuck up i saw that thing 20 years ago and anytime i fuck up to this day i go hang on hang on hang on all right sisters a through c here we go uh tired of giving advice to guys with psycho suicidal girlfriends or people with std's well i got something a bit lighter for you here uh kind of like the core's light version of your typical advice thank you and it's perfect for the middle of summer let me kick my feet back

on this one so i know this lady who i've been friends with uh for a while now and banged one time she's the oldest of three sisters so we all call her sister a about two years ago i made out with sister b in a club not my initiative and ended up having sex with her the same night jesus christ dude i went out with her dude do they have like that thing on the back of their suv where they have the stick figures of the entire family and you just slowly keep axing them out and the family doesn't understand is somebody trying to kill my daughters no just trying to fuck all of them sir well that's a relief all right um anyways i went out with her for a while oh this is sister b and it was surprisingly not awkward when we were hanging out all together

even though everyone knew the situation jesus christ what southern state are you in sir um i'll go fuck yourself people down south that was funny um some months later sister b left me for one of her one of my friends and got over it quickly enough oh and you got over it quickly enough and nowadays i'm still in contact with sister a and b since i'm not the kind of guy that holds a grudge for that kind of stuff well there you go it's very immature which means you really didn't give a fuck about either one of them so why are you gonna be all upset you know like you own their pussy once you fuck it i hate when i hate when guys do that anyways recently since sister c started talking to me more frequently after talking for a bit she said she could pose for me since i'm

a painter and she's a model and a 10 all the fucking way i might add oh you fucking creep you fucking creep you fucking creep so she was a 10 the whole time so basically you're in a holding pattern banging her older sisters waiting until this girl was of age so you could fucking paint her jesus christ i gotta i you know i might have to stand up and applaud this one this guy's taking it to another level dude this is a fucking epic situation here so you go so here's my question does that proposition mean anything dude you need my advice i need advice from you how do you how do you fuck every girl in the same family jesus christ this is like do you know how long

there's been a it's been since there's been a triple crown winner in horse racing the last time someone won the kentucky derby the pregnes and the breeder's cup is that what it is or is that a soccer match i don't fucking know i don't know no fucking horse since the late 70s i would guarantee that it's been since the late 70s since somebody has booze banged three i think a lot can do two in one family but to get all fucking three do three two is uh respectable three is it no it's beyond respectable to three okay everybody knows three is in the sporting world do that that's a fucking dynasty okay you just put yourself in there with fucking bill russell you put yourself in there with with with the fucking uh magic johnson lakers you know i wouldn't say the

coby lakers you know when you go out and you get phil jackson and fucking shack then that's that new shit that the kids like i don't like that shit um either way dude you're talking fucking dynasty oh wait magic number one three in a row but he had the Celtics to fuck with they went three out of four years give me a fucking break um so here's my michael geord there we go so here's my question does that proposition mean anything is it a trap should i try to bang her should i try and bang her to and get a third strike or keep my dick in my pants and avoid a potential shit storm and if yes do you have any tips special tips on this special situation all my friends are telling me to do so but i thought i'd ask a more refined mind like yourselves before i did a move dude you're

looking at me like dude you're beyond me right now okay this is like bull Durham i'm i'm fucking kevin costner i'm i'm i'm a lifer okay you're going up to the show hitting brand new balls every fucking day i i you tell me okay i never banged two girls in one fucking family you know i was psyched if i was able to tag a couple of friends and we were all hanging out at a bar one night and you get that feeling like i fuck both of you and you both knew it and you both loved it i hope please please tell me you liked it did you like it was i okay um dude i think you got to do it you got to do it you know you you've been above board the whole time sister a sister b they all fucking knew everything right now i understand this is a

little delicate okay he's trying to snip the last wire here this is the kid's sister this is it going to blow up in your fucking face uh it's worth it dude it's worth it it's worth losing a couple of limbs and your nose on this one you got to do it the fuck you know dude what the fuck she says to you uh yeah you're a painter oh let me take my clothes off and you can paint my fucking twat that's not art dude that's foreplay give me a fucking break maybe one thing if you're in a classroom of people it's just you and she's standing there naked dude that's like one of the dev they haven't done that porn that scenario in a porn uh jesus christ you might have found a new angle dude that's phenomenal that is fucking phenomenal dude you got to do it you got to do

it did john elway retire when he only got one he came back for another right you got to do it dude you do it dude that's like when bush fucking the first bush he stopped and he didn't get sedum you got to go all the way on this one man all right you got to be like marlon brando in fucking apocalypse now you just you just you just accept the fact you left the program all right and i don't care how mad these girls get dude you are at the precipice of becoming an absolute fucking legend legend who can who who's gonna be able to top that dude there are celebrities who've had orgies they've had five on ones and all that type of shit okay but i guarantee they never fucked three fucking girls in the same family when they weren't famous not famous

you're doing this shit with the gift the gab whatever the fuck you're doing dude you do this you got to write a book you got to write a book that's what you know that's what you should do collection of the most amazing pussy getting stories ever that you can somehow confirm all right and it has to be none of that bullshit the second you get famous you get money that doesn't count all right that's garbage time okay they put the fucking second team in there and you just fucking tit and layups that's bullshit i'm talking about just regular dude you talk yourself into it dude you're a fucking legend you got to do it all right there's my halftime speech i'm gonna quote joe bartnick quoting john madden today is gonna be the greatest day of your life

but only if you win all right you got to do it you got to fucking do it all right here we go next one uh bill fight over picture with you dearest billiam my girl and i drove up from san francisco to see you in san osa you didn't drive up you drove down if up to you means south i don't know what the fuck you're doing um and it was awesome thank you we were at the show where that lunatic in the front row was giving you a pastry or a pumpkin after every fourth joke no they were nice this fucking lady just like lady she fucking brought she made an acdc pumpkin she she made a bunch of muffins and she brought cookies it was like every i guess i had three jokes about food and she just sort of brought them up to the stage she

was nice i know what you mean though it got a little crazy but it went once she actually uh uh made the acdc pumpkin um anyways i've seen you three or four times uh but this is the first time since i've been listening to uh first time since i've been listening to the podcast so the show is over and my girl starts going on and on about how i need to get a picture with you uh no in fence burr but i don't want a picture with you or with anyone i don't know personally well that's cool he goes uh well megan maybe megan fox that totally makes sense um yeah i'm i'm i'm not offended you think i like fucking standing there at the end of the show with people with the cell phone cameras that they hand to somebody else and they don't know how to work them and then

they fucking you know even when they hit the right button you got to stand there for like nine seconds before it finally clicks it's a nightmare um so i'm glad one less person i had to do that with so he goes uh anyways and i just feel like i was some if i was some pseudo celebrity i wouldn't want to be taking pictures with any dudes dude did you have to really bring me down to fucking earth like that your cunt this guy's a fucking cunt i know what level i'm at your fucking dick you don't need to take my knees out anyways um what did you say i don't want to take any pictures with dudes just chicks yeah that does make sense is this guy suddenly like see how this guy's like like trying to be my friend while he's subtly giving me shit this is i call

this the greg fit Simmons this is what greg does greg compliments you and buries the insult in the middle he's up i mean for all i know fit Simmons is this fit Simmons wrote this because i think he realizes that i figured him out so he's like well now what's another way i can get him i know i'll send an email and pretend to be somebody else sorry that's my conspiracy theory kicking anyways that's the whole point right so i go to the bathroom and when i get back in the line to get a pic with you it's about 30 deep my girl at this point is still nagging after i already told her i'm not interested in taking a picture with bill burr now i got to get in now i got to turn into an asshole because she's still nagging me about this and i have to sternly say i don't

want to take a picture i'm not waiting in that line i don't need you thinking for me let's go well that's what you should do but you shouldn't do it with anger so we go outside and she starts going on and on about me being homosexual yeah that's her logic i didn't wait in line to take a picture with you so that automatically makes me quit quit he said and insert boston accent i just kept asking her why was she trying to start a fight with me uh we had a great time and now this i told her my hero growing up was chris cornell and i wouldn't even want a picture with him or an autograph i don't understand the desire to bug complete strangers for a picture or an autograph dude i i totally get this uh he goes florentine does it all the time and brags about it on his

podcast but he thinks uh black dudes who keep the tags on their hats or match their shoes with their hats is gay uh they're both gay by the way oh what getting a picture on that dude you just took a whole fucking left turn there he goes my girl isn't a fan of yours and thinks you're a sexist pig but you turned her with your performance in san jose so what do you what do you make of this billion yeah that's weird she didn't even like me and then you go there and then she's demanding that you get a picture am i queer because i didn't want to get in line and wait to take a picture for a half hour with you uh no you're not you're a fucking guy who knows what he wants and you wanted you went there you saw the show you had a good time you wanted to fucking leave that's what

you should have done and what's with chicks trying to make you do shit you don't want to do um i don't know you got to ask them i have no fucking idea because you know what it is they feel that they know what's good for you they honestly feel that and they'll tell it to you with the straight face and then all their friends yeah we do if you just listen to us haha like they think that they have life figured out and the reality is is they have a part of life figured out you know and that's why you need them you know they have that fucking uh let's spruce up the place let's uh fucking do some shit that makes you feel uncomfortable but secretly you really want to fucking do you know they know that so

what happens is is i think that they think that they know that all the time so that was some shit where you're like dude i don't want to do this and she thinks that's it no you're just being a guy right now and this is like this is gonna go into your this is fucking gay zone so they think you're just being a fucking macho guy when they don't realize that sometimes it's like no seriously i really don't want to do this i really don't want to go to brunch i really don't want to go to your girlfriend's fucking birthday party where we dress up like it's the 1940s i really i honestly from the bottom of my heart i don't want to fucking do this i don't secretly long to do this but i'm worried that my friends are going to make fun of me i seriously don't want to fucking do this okay

but the thing is this is a guy is you're going to say it like that and then they go you know you're angry why you're being mean to me um i don't know that's why chicks try to make you do shit that they don't you don't want to do and also a lot of them are selfish cunts just like us um and if they want to do something they think it's awesome they can't figure out why you don't think that it's awesome and you know all right i think i explained that 58 fucking times um and go fuck yourself with the suit of celebrity that that that was completely unnecessary you know fucking cunt that actually hurt my feelings even though i know it's true all right where we go where we go uh first date and money i gotta i gotta step it up here man what time is it oh an hour and four i gotta

get out of this fuck i gotta get out of here all right first what does uh first what's the love the podcast but i'm 20 years old still in college and newly single i decided to try my hand on dating again i met this girl on facebook we messaged each other for hours before i decided to ask her out on a date she accepted jesus christ dude she's probably sitting there like my thumbs are aching will you fucking ask me out already uh she accepted we made plans for me to pick her up this would be the first date i've had in four months i drove to a place which which was around 20 minutes before from where i live we went to the mall which is where everyone basically goes in the weekend so i thought that i would it would be a good place to go when we got there we would

decide we were deciding on what to do that's not a good game plan dude you should know where you're gonna go and what you're gonna do just to get it going so then she you feel like you know this guy knows what's what's going on all of a sudden you're making decisions and all of a sudden she's taking her pants off that's how it works all right you can't go there you can't treat them like peers you got to put them beneath you you got to have them looking at the floor that way they don't get to say goodnight to nobody what movie pope of grenish village i did a bad version of that um anyways when we got there we were deciding on what to do i suggested uh we watched a movie uh but nothing good was playing see you fucked yourself so instead we decided to eat dinner apple bees

we ate at this restaurant in the mall and talked about getting to know each other at the end of dinner i paid because i was told the man pays on a first date what i wasn't told was whether or not i should pay for extra stuff oh my god we started you are well first of all you already said a precedent that you're paying the second you pay you're paying for the whole fucking evening okay and fuck all the women who right now going that's right that's right go fuck yourself you're fucking free cunts um we started walking around and we go into a few stores and she starts looking at things around the store saying i wish i had money to do to buy this i wish i had enough money to buy that so what i did because i was trying to be the gentleman an impressor was offered to pay

for those things she wanted ah dude she uh you just fucked yourself she totally doesn't respect you anymore you got used i ended up buying her some sunglasses a shirt a dress and some shoes and a necklace on a first date dude on a first date the first night out with you just getting to know you you buy her dinner and all this shit so you realize on the second date if it's going to go any further you know relationship has to move fluid that means you have to buy her even more shit all ended up to around 120 bucks not including the dinner after that i drove her back to her place and that was it of course it was Jesus Christ you bought her a bunch of shit like you were already fucking her that was like her blowing you and then asking can you take me to a movie yeah yeah

i'll get right on that it's not happening anyways we've gone out four more times since then of course she is she's trying to get a whole fucking wardrobe out of you and the only thing i got out of this girl was a makeout section yeah that was a sympathy one to be honest i wasn't really expecting to get anything from this girl so why did you buy her all this shit dude you got to work on your self esteem here man you're setting yourself up to be a sap and that's exactly what's happening here this is all on you and you have the power to change this shit all right take this fucking girl out next time not her somebody else because you've already ruined it with this one okay find another girl take her out when you take her out know where the fuck you're gonna go and know what you're

gonna do okay and when she goes no i wish i had that well hey you know maybe you ought to work some overtime this week you know don't say that but just think that go fuck yourself and uh you know and just be silent when they say that shit then they'll realize they overstepped some shit and uh you know they'll probably feel like they gotta make up for it by uh maybe giving you a handy um anyways i'm gonna plow through this shit after telling my friends about the first date all my friends said what i did was wrong and i shouldn't have done that all my lady friends said what i did was sweet and rare for a guy to do yeah because they want us to buy him shit it's got me at the crossroad of who to listen to more listen to the guys on your team

stop going on across enemy lines and trying to figure out what the fuck you're supposed to do all right fuck all that the only time you talk to broads is if you know you're trying to well what should i get her for her birthday what's some chick shit that you guys like that's what you do okay you don't fucking ask them you know should i spend all my money yeah that would be sweet yeah don't listen to them listen to your friends to set you straight dude you dropped 120 fucking bucks and you didn't even get kissed she got everything she wanted you didn't get anything okay yeah fuck all that dude fuck all that all right don't ask women advice about fucking women like don't okay immediately you're making it an away game

okay you fucking talk to your guy friends all right and i'm not talking about like you know getting neanderthal advice because the guys will give you stupid fucking advice to case and point myself but like when it comes to shit like that where you're basically when you feel like you went too far the women are always going to side with going too far in their direction you know what i mean that would be like if a girl came up to a guy and said listen my boyfriend wants to like you know possibly bring another girl into the bedroom should i do that i mean what the fuck are you going to say and what are they going to say you know come on all right here we go dilemma bill imagine you met a girl she's beautiful has a great body funny and totally

into you i did she lives with me oh there's some extra points anyways uh the night's going great and you're having a good time together and she goes home with you uh so back at your place you're making out and things are getting pretty hot and heavy she starts to undress and she has great tits oh my god then she takes her pants to reveal she's wearing an adult diaper if the diaper is unsoiled is it still a deal breaker yes it is absolutely 100 fucking percent deal breaker done over that's it it's over i'm thinking you peeing and shitting and my dick has uh is slumped over and it's like bill you enjoy the rest of your evening because i'm calling it a day absolutely a fucking deal breaker apps a fucking lootily because that's going to take me it takes me

immediately back to a horrifying situation that i had i think i told this story before i'll tell it really quick because i got to get out of here uh hooked up with this girl fucking hot sexy fucking super tall like model type chick to the point where we'd like doggie style she had to like fucking like her her her she was too high all right i'm gonna plow through this because this is disgusting if you don't like disgusting stories plow through the next fucking 30 seconds all right fast forward to it all right whatever so we hooked up in everything we started in the living room we ended up in the bedroom okay so you know that shit where there's like the trail of clothes the next morning she's picking up her stuff i'm

trying to help her out i see her little fucking panties there in the uh in the living room and um i went over to him and uh there was a uh oh this just this freaks me out there was a fucking i would say at least three two and a half to three inch fucking skid mark in her fucking panties i know disgusting uh yeah so it's a deal breaker listen to the sound of my voice when i tell that story it was just it was fucking horrific all right overrated underrated underrated moving apartment okay underrated moving apartment at six in the morning and drinking j d at noon listening to ac dc on your new balcony in the sun while looking at all the rest of the douchebags unpacking their truck with shit they don't need you moved at six in the morning and nobody complained what the

fuck do you care right you're moving out um overrated vacuuming uh there's no way to do this without looking effeminate ah dude that's a fucking great bit man you could actually sell that to a comedian you could fucking kill with that he goes you got a limp wristedly hold that cord out like tinkerbell with a wand there's just no manly way to vacuum can't be done it can't that is a woman's job it's just fucking over it's like wearing an apron there's just no way to do it you the only way to wear an apron is a guy is it has to be that solid white one and you have to have all the other white matching shit like uh like you're you're you're a uh a fucking gourmet chef and you have to be a

fat gourmet chef other than that you look like a douche um underrating sweeping good old sweeping with a broom possibly saw dust from the bookshelf you just built you can get out you can get your elbows into it no wrist involved yeah but then you get like that minor lung because you kick up all the dust um i'm actually like a neat freak and messy and i actually enjoy fucking vacuuming but every once in a while i'll walk by a mirror and i'll see myself and i will burst out laughing or i'll immediately get embarrassed thinking of all my fucking crazy friends suddenly bursting and seeing me vacuuming and just trashing me for unmercifully for like two hours all right underrated losing weight uh once i turned 30 i decided i needed to get back into shape i was 300 of 300 pound tub of

shit and even xxl shirts were starting to feel snug at 300 pounds fuck yeah jesus christ um i haven't even really put on a ton of a ton of effort into it yet but just by lifting weights every other day riding my bike four or five times a week and by eating real food i've been losing about 10 pounds a month for the last four months good for you dude that's fucking awesome i love that shit now the best part is that for every 10 pounds i lose uh the weight of the girls who are interested goes down by 30 pounds isn't that sad poor women this they just don't have enough people to choose from that's great too that's good for you though and i was thinking being older helps somehow too maybe it's just knowledge and confidence but i get harder chicks now uh than i could when i was 21

and in better shape yeah because you know something there's also there's this certain women out there that they find guys that are a little fucking overweight uh they find you less intimidating you know as opposed to some guys standing there like a shredded adonis like believe it or not they actually get intimidated too you would think because they have the fucking that they wouldn't but some of them don't hour and 60 minutes are running my yeah look at that i almost brought you all the way to break time or lunch time by the time i get this fucking thing up all right that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week please keep all the great emails coming uh once again the email is bill at the mmpodcast.com don't take any

shit go fuck yourself i'll talk to you next week it's smooth operator female persuader spot i fly girl and in the week i'm on the data i got the kind of style for the here and the now and i can do it because i got no hat i got no hat yeah i got no ha bust it mcs are ruined because i know what i'm doing i treat them like government gum and start chewing

i spit them out when the flavor's going and i repeat the chewing process till the break of dawn because i'm tough like a bone sly likes the loam rocking and clogging on the microphone smooth like a mirror and hard to strike terror rhymes like runs and hits with no errors cold like a visit on the mic i am the wicked with the funky fresh rhymes coming out of my giz and never sneezing never coughing i rock the mic often partners are rocking no sign i was soft and making sure i can't respect all my mind rhymes connect i start to build like a building from an architect moving all around above and under the ground you see my face and then you hear my sound coming at you with the mic in hand i'm gonna take command just the way i plan because i'm a one

man band and you are my friend don't you understand i'm like superman you're the man of steel don't you know the deal you better be for real i got sex appeal this is what i feel and this here's my vow and now you know the brother with no how you know i'm saying i got no how and i'm chilling never ill in my mom i got two feelings whatever i want on my cold stone hitting over my name is young i see known as the fly casting over you you you

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