Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-17

Episode Date: July 20, 2017

Bill rambles about snake charmers, Bank of America and the Red Sox.

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And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. How did you week going through this fucking Thursday? It's Thursday, dude. Fucking payday. Um, actually I get paid on Friday. Well, fuck you and your job, man. I used to get paid on Thursday. I used to get paid on Thursday and I used to keep my money. I used to have my money. I spent it on me. Well, where do you want to go? Who's it up to? Me. I mean, the pen that you got.

My life was mine and that 260 bucks a week that I made, I had a fucking car payment for $138 a month. I was rolling in it, you know, fucking rolling in it. I didn't even realize it. I was like, oh gee, wouldn't it be great someday to fucking get out there in the world, get my own place, have a car, drive down the street, man. Right? What happens? You get out there and you're fucking, you're stupid. You're like a little toddler walking, crawling up to a fucking cobra. And they forgot to sew its mouth shut, you know, like how they do that shit over in India. You know, where you're just born into a family of snake jammers, whatever happens over there.

Have you ever seen that video? I assumed it was in India, you know. And don't get mad at me, blame Hollywood. All right? I've hung out with the Z's a few times. I never, I never brought the cobra thing up. I forgot to find out if this was true or not. I could have been like a Z's. Is this or is this not a your people thing specifically? And then he could have been like, no, Bill, there's actually the snake charmers all over, all over the world. You know what I would have said, was it fair enough? But I didn't.

So anyway, have you ever seen those fucking videos where they, they sew the goddamn cobra's fucking mouth shut? Could I curse more in that sentence? Have you seen those, have you seen that footage where they take the, I don't know. At this point with this voice, I'd have to know the Latin name for a cobra. They sew the fucking thing's mouth shut and then they have a baby crawl up to it and the snake is like freaking out. Because you gotta understand, as small as a baby is to a person, for a snake, it's still pretty fucking big. Like what is that? Is that a mongoose? Is that gonna run up and just grab my face and give me a couple of shakes and then that's it?

Last thing I see in my life is the inside of a fucking mongoose's esophagus. That's what the snake is thinking. It's just a snake only has one fucking expression. You know? Reptiles are like redefined resting bitch face. Reptiles never look like they're in a good mood. Or they're just stale or they just have like, no, they're just kind of fucking sitting there like a frog. It's not a fucking reptile, it's an amphibian.

Well, whatever it is, doesn't have any hair on it. They have a little bit. Oh, that was Les Clapeleaux's line, right? He was talking about some woman said she was finer than frog hair. What the fuck song was that? That was one of his solo albums, his bucket of burning brains. Something of the hunt. I can't remember.

Now my brain's going. Oh, I don't know what I was talking about. I was talking about babies fucking messing with cobras. I don't know why I got there. I don't even know what's going on. How many minutes just went by? 342, just like that. Just like that.

342, you drive home or you drive to work, right? Or maybe you have really tiny headphones and your wife's bitching at you right now and you're listening to this. Oh, your boyfriend. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck he's doing. Yeah, he had that dream that you were going to go out in the real world and your money was going to be made and it was going to go into your pocket. Dude, I'm going to have a fucking Kegorator over here. Fucking pool table, air hockey, and what happens?

20 years goes by. 20 years, where'd they go? 20 years, I don't know, right? Bob Seeger. Sometimes I sit and wonder, where'd they go? How smart is Bob Seeger? Bob Seeger was smart enough to realize that most people lose and he sang right to those fuckers and they showed up with their fucking... What is that? Old Milwaukee's, right?

And they sat right in the front row with their bottom lips quivering, you know, and then the wives would look over like, oh, honey, what's the matter? And then they'd have to slap their wife because you couldn't show that you cried back then when the song first came out. Now you can sit there with like cupcakes and kittens on your shirt as a man, sit there Indian style wearing yoga pants and your wife, you know, I don't know what she's doing. She's got work boots on and a trucker hat. I don't know what goes on with the youth today. I don't pretend to know I'm an older person. All right. All I know is somehow all the bands went into the computer and they never came out again.

And then they just became one person. You know, like Mayweather says, form like Voltron, right? Isn't Voltron like one guy? I don't know what the fuck it is. Wow, what the hell was that? I mean, I'm from the age of like, I mean, I was too old for Stomper 4x4s when they came out. That's how I played with Tonka trucks people. Okay, there was no batteries in that thing.

You wanted it to move, you had to fucking push it. All right. And you rode those things down the driveway and right before it went into traffic, you bailed off of it. And you prayed to God that it would make the other side without getting run over by a milk truck. Right. There you go. So, and like you, I also don't know what I'm talking about at this point. Anyways, yeah, you thought it was going to be all you, right?

And 20 years fucking goes by. Okay. And then one day you walk a D house and you're just looking around at all the shit and all it really is. It's just a bunch of shit. What is all this shit? Fucking tables and couches chair. We're going to fucking chairs here. How many kids do we plan on having?

Why are there so many goddamn chairs? Why? Oh, there's so many chairs. This is a perfect area right here where a drum kit could go. You know, what is that stupid picture? Why don't you take it off the wall and put up a fucking deck board? I just feel like that wouldn't look right. Be kind of awkward.

Why would that be awkward? You know what's awkward? Every room vaguely looking the same. We look like we live in a furniture store. There's nothing in here but furniture. How about some fun shit? What about that game where you try to punch it as hard as you can to see how strong you are? You know what that game where you shoot the baskets?

You can't just have one of those? I don't know. I just feel like that was, you know, maybe in the garage. Is there a way to put it behind the house and down the street? I don't want to have company over and have them see that you're having fun. I want them... My wife better not listen to this. I want them to come over and see that you are totally in control.

Under my control and you are listening to the fucking decisions that I want to make. I'm just fucking with you. Anyways, whatever. Most of that isn't true. Only the sad part. It's Thursday, everybody. You either get paid today or tomorrow. What do you do with your money?

Huh? What do you do? Do you hear Bank of America evidently their entire fucking system was down? How does that happen? That's not scary enough, is it? Jesus Christ. I hope they didn't... You know what?

I should look that up. I should look that up before I cause a run on a bank. Is that the name of a song? Run on a bank. Is that a Bob Seeger song? What's that? Ain't no surprise. No, that's love on the rocks.

Not run on a bank. Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise. I thought it was run on a bank. Grab them by their ties. Especially with their milk white fucking thighs. Why does my internet suck in every fucking room? I swear to God.

Who on my internet company is... They have to have a poster me on the wall. Go, we need more customers like this. He pays 10 times what he should fucking pay. It never works and he never complains unless he's doing his podcast. But who gives a fuck cause he never calls us. So what do we care? We just keep taking his fucking money.

Alright, here we go. Bank of America. Fuck yeah. Everyone in the world is jealous of us. Everyone wants to be just like us. That's why they hate on us. Alright, maybe we've gotten out of line in a few areas. Alright, evidently it's loading.

You know what I mean? Watching my computer try to get on the internet like waiting for load. It's like watching me try to remember shit from fucking two days ago. Oh, you sneaky fucking bastards. This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want your website. I wanted the fucking gossip. What do I gotta hit?

Bank of America slash TMZ. Bank of fucking America. Here we go again. Bank of America. Google. Here we go. Here we go. What do you got?

What do we got? Customers shout out of accounts during a parent bank of America outage. Oh boy. Oh boy, I'm just picturing someone with one of those. What's that white mask that those fucking hackers wear when they want to shut down the corporations? Alright, here we go. Bank of America customers were shut out from their accounts.

Oh, an advertisement. Oh, Ralph's Jesus. You know what? I will buy a honey of a ham. Alright, we're back. Bank of America customers were shut out from their accounts for several hours Wednesday in a system outage. You know, somebody's fucking, you know,

didn't get dialysis of their heart stops. You wouldn't, you wouldn't, you was such was, was so at the feet of these fucking cunts. Coral Springs resident Eric Sleeper. Oh, he's a sleeper. You never think he could run that fast in those work boots. And there he goes down the street. So we got what looked like a phishing email from the bank

Wednesday and immediately started calling customer service to see if something was wrong. A message on his online account said it could not pull up his information when we called his local branch. A manager said that local managers were calling each other trying to figure out what caused, what appeared to be a national outage and why they were unable to provide certain services.

Like what provide you with the money that you need on down detector.com. A website that tracks reports of system outages reports started spiking after 1130 a.m. And the website was inundated with comments from bank of American customers. Dude, what the fuck? Send around the country saying they couldn't access online

banking computer transit. By one p.m. They had received nearly 1000 reports of problems. But by Wednesday evening, although some customers were still reporting problems, the number of reports had gone down considerably to about 200. And then this is their comment. I know that the tape is working quickly to bring

everything back up as time progresses. They should be able to go back online. I would really love to see what really happened. Bank of America system wide system wide outage on the dam closing on closing on my house and there's nothing I can do about it. Bank of America, you close my bank account with no notice. How can I deposit my check when I no longer have an

account stuck in Thailand? What is up with not being able to transfer? System has been down for three hours. Oh, Jesus. Jenny, that's nothing compared to the guy stuck in Thailand. The clerk at Bank of America just said, I can't make a deposit because of nationwide disruption.

Anyone know what's up? All right. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, let's just hope that was a one time thing. Nothing to see here. That's fucking scary.

That's why you got to have your money in like three different banks. I don't care if you got 40 bucks put 15, one 10 and another. What do we got left there? What's that 25? You got 15 in the last one, right? 15, 15 and 10.

It's a fucking shell game out there, man. Then when you got to pay your rent, you write three different checks. Why don't you just write it for the full of mouth? Because I'm not going to get stuck in Thailand. You can't. I don't care as long as it all works. All right.

Let's get back to the podcast here. When you listen to this, I will be in New York City. By the time you listen to this, I am going to the airport tonight, tonight, tonight. I'm going back to New York for about a week. I'm going to be there for a week, week. Doing an acting gig out there. As I mentioned before, they're rebooting Sex in the

City, and I'm going to be playing this Cynthia Nixon character. They said to keep my head shaved. Maybe they could do some sort of, I don't know, post, you know, cancer-free, I guess Craig Nixon. I don't know what my fucking name is going to be, but you know, I wanted to be the fabulous one. Whatever fuck her name is.

What the fuck was her name? I saw her one time at a Knicks game. She had a fucking basketball, you know, with her thin fucking head. She needs more head and I need less head. If we could somehow combine the two of us, I think, you know, they could have something there. What the fuck is her name?

She starred in it. How do you remember Cynthia Nixon? You don't remember the other one? Sarah Jessica Popkin! That's right. SJP. She had a fucking basketball shoe. How about those red socks?

One of the last three out of four. How'd you like that shit? Went two and two against the fucking Yankees over there and then we took two out of three from the Blue Jays. I watched the whole Blue Jays series. I enjoyed it. You know what's great? Is Dennis Eckersley up in the booth.

The man loves the game. The man played the game. The man could talk the game. God damn it, he does it for nine innings. I love it, especially when it's like a low-scoring game. If you have a fucking pitcher up there, he's incredible. He'll actually make it exciting. I think he's going to kill me with the fucking...

I do a breaking ball here. That throws a breaking ball. He's like, this guy, he's like, so he has fucking ESP. It's like he pitched in the fucking league, everybody. How does this man know what happens? Evidently, the Yankees made some sort of move to cock block the red socks. But you know, I try to get annoyed by that,

but you know, it's been three-world series. I think we're good. Gives us shit. We're in first place. I think it's kind of over. I think the Yankees red socks thing is... It'll never be what it was, and I'm happy for it. I'm actually glad that it won't be.

I don't miss it. Because, you know, it usually didn't work out for us. It worked out for us once. And then it was over. Anyways... Oh, by the way, I still haven't posted a picture of my drum kit. I swear to God, you know, I'm going to fucking send it right now. So I'm going to send it right fucking now.

You probably already see it by the time this thing's posted. Let me just fucking... It's not the greatest picture. I was by myself. What do you want from me? Come on. Oh, shit, you know, I was reading something the other day. I'm going to get to it.

About Goodfellas. It was this really cool thing that said, 30 things you might not know about Goodfellas. And there's actually 30 things that I didn't fucking know. Even though they still talked about how... How am I funny? How do I amuse you? What am I some sort of clown?

Everybody knows that that was improv, but like, Pesci and those guys were saying, we would improv it, and then he would write it all down and then, you know, take the best parts and then write it down. Then he had to memorize it. Then you'd fucking go do it. Which makes sense,

because you can't like fucking improv every different take. And then he moves the cameras around, you're saying different shit that you did the other time, and then it's not going to line up. So anyways, it was one of the best ones. That whole tracking scene, where Henry Hill takes Karen. What did you do?

Oh, you just killed us. Aha! I'm sorry. Right? He takes her in through the kitchen, right? That whole tracking shot. And that was one sentence in the book that Scorsese got this idea.

There's a line in that book, Wise Guy, or whatever the fuck the one that Henry Hill wrote. It said, on crowded nights when people were lined up outside and couldn't get in, the doorman used to let Henry, I'm sorry, the prints are really small, my eyes are going, used to let Henry and our party in through the kitchen,

which was filled with Chinese cooks, and we go upstairs and sit down immediately. That one sentence in that whole fucking book. I mean, how many times did you read that book? He just read it one time and said, oh, that gives me an idea. Bam! You'd think it would at least be a paragraph.

Some sort of story attached to it. It's just one goddamn sentence. And that guy's fucking able to do all of that. And that, my friends, is why he's one of the great directors of the whole time. All right, let's get a good one here. Let's get a good one. Da, da, da, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee.

Oh, there we go. There we go. Symbols are at a fucked up angle. I had to run out of there. I'm a dad now. It's like whenever I get a fucking chance, I run over there. I ran over there this morning. I literally played four songs and then went to work. I didn't stretch at all because I didn't have time to

and then my fucking forearms and hands were all fucked up. I'm an idiot. Let me send this right now. You guys are literally listening to me send a fucking picture. Da, da, da, da, da. Oh, guess who wants to come back? Guess who wants to come back? After fucking dumping this podcast, guess who wants to come back?

Huh? It's not Nature's Box. Hold on a second. Post this with podcast. You can't. I didn't say that. All right. Guess what?

Draft Kings wants to come back. Where the fuck did they go? Huh? What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you hear what his face got? They're going to be back, by the way, because they said I can say whatever the fuck I want. It means I can make the advertising as funny as I want.

It means you guys will listen and there you go. That's all that's all advertising is. Just get people to listen and maybe somebody will buy. There was a rumor. I heard a rumor. That what's his face? Connor, Connor McGregor got knocked out by his sparring partner. And I looked it up and what I love was Mayweather's like,

I don't believe it until I see footage. I don't believe it. Like maybe that was a strategy by McGregor. And it kind of all got fucking just explained away like, no, it didn't happen. So there you go. There's one for you guys who are still going to order it. There was no proof.

It was debunked by the McGregor camp. Mayweather does not believe it. So there's still a chance. There's some stupid article out there calling Connor McGregor yet another great white hope. It's like, this is not another great white hope. Great white hope would be if he was an actual in boxing, trying to win a fucking title.

You know, this guy holds two titles. He already is a champion. Okay. He already is a champion. You know, and it's not a whites only league. So I don't know how he's a great white hope. This is a fucking spectacle. That's what this is to goddamn spectacle.

I'm going to try so fucking hard not to order it. I already agreed with Rogan that I might watch it the next week with him. He does this thing where you just fucking watch it together and you talk about it. I might do that with Rogan if I can find some goddamn time to do it. I have to do it. That's also a good way to watch it for free. For free.

Maybe that's what I'll do. I'll be the fucking grumpy guy that didn't watch it. And then I'll say, oh, I'll watch it. And really just a tight fuck. I'm going to watch it for free. Remember that expression? Fucking Annie up, you tight fuck. Hey, does anybody know how the expression on the arm came about?

We're trying to figure that out today in the writer's room, meaning it's for free. The best I could get is that it's a policeman slang on the arm. And all I could think was, you know, the long arm of the law, the arm of the law. Why is why? How does the expression on the arm come about? What is the origin that means it's free? Don't pay for these drinks. They're on the arm.

Anybody tell me, because people already told me peas and queues, mind your own peas and queues, came from the bars and the pubs where they used to give beer in pints and quarts. So when people got a little, you know, out of line and sticking their nose in other people's business or getting ready to fight, hey, hey, hey, hey, mind your peas and queues. You look at your fucking glass. You don't look at anybody else. So whatever the fuck it meant, right? So I like that shit.

So if you can tell me how on the arm came about, I don't give a shit if you make up stuff. I'll read it like it's, it's a fact, then it'll end up on Wikipedia. And then at least people will have an answer. Anyway, so these fucking Toronto Blue Jay fans were talking shit because I actually watched that whole fucking 14 inning game. Where Hanley Ramirez hit the walkoff home run, right? It was three, three after regulation and then 13 after nine innings. What are the fuck you say in this sport? And then in like the 12th inning or something like that, Blue Jay scored a run, went up four to three,

and then we somehow scored a run, made it four to four. And then Hanley Ramirez on the bottom, bottom of the 14th hit a walkoff, crushed a hanging curveball out onto the fucking mass pipe there. And loved Eckersley. He was saying, he was saying that Hanley is going, I love you. I love it because he just, he just wants to go home. He's fucking hilarious, especially because we had that 19 inning game with the Yankees a few days earlier. But, oh, Jesus, what the fuck was I talking about? I literally just forgot everything I was talking about.

There was a point I was trying to make there on the arm, then to the Red Sox, and then fucking out my ear, down my pant leg, and I don't know where the fuck it went. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about there. Oh, I know, I was talking shit. Well, I didn't talk shit. The fucking Blue Jays fans are giving me shit. So I don't know where this fucking drum company, symbol making company that I never heard of before called Dream Symbols. I don't know where it starts talking shit going egg.

If, if, I think I have to red, if the Red Sox win, if Red Sox win, we'll give you a free bag of symbols. If the Blue Jays win, you know, you got to give us free advertising. If the Red Sox win, they're like, ah, fuck it. What kind of symbols do you want? If they were even serious, I was just like, you're not going to give me a bag of fucking symbols. I already have symbols. I can't play the symbols I have. Why would I take a bag of yours that you could actually sell to someone who knows how to play drums?

So just for the fuck of it, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to start the advertising with a free read. I've never heard of these guys. Dream Symbols. Dream Symbols. You ever dream you could have some symbols, man? Have them in a bag, man. Though relatively new on the market, Dream Symbols and Gongs produced world-class handmade, produces world-class handmade symbols out of a factory in China's Wuhan region.

Am I going to be put on a watch list? I didn't know. I thought those guys were the enemy, which has crafted excellent Gongs for generations. For drummers searching for their own style, Dream is a dream come true. Each symbol has its own unique voice, enhancing musicians' distinctiveness, dreams. I actually listened to a couple of people play the symbols. They sound pretty good, you know? And I would imagine because they're lesser known,

a.k.a. Nutsilgen, Nutsabian, Nutfucking, Paced or Piste, whatever the fuck you say it, Minal. All the kids play Minal now. Everybody's got to play the Minals. You want to be different? Why don't you play Dream Symbols? Or don't. I don't give a fuck.

They're not paying me. You can buy a set of these symbols and roll them down the fucking hill for all I give a shit. All right. Now into the real stuff. All right. That was just a warm-up. People start doing that. Free advertising, just a warm-up.

I apologize for making a lot of noise. I got a cough drop in the fuck of my voice. Oh, who is it? Oh, look who's here. Hey, sweetheart. My daughter's walking. She's already knocking on doors. I guess who learned how to crawl?

She crawls like an inch worm. You don't care about your toys, though, do you? I love this new shy thing she does when she sees and she looks away. What's up, buddy? You going to hang out, watch another 14ings or Red Sox baseball with me tonight? We actually already won. Oh, okay. I'm going to give a kiss.

All right. It's hot as hell in here. It is. I want to turn the AC on. Turn it on if you don't mind. Okay. Bye. Bye.

Hey, Nia. What would you do if somebody had that level of bad breath? I read that thing to you. The halitosis? The halitosis and literally had like that fucking slime along the gum line. There's no way you're kissing him, right? No, it's too gross. Would you say anything?

I honestly think it depends on how much he likes her. You know what I mean? If you really, really like her like, damn, I could really see myself with this girl, then you say something. How do you see past? You know, all I could think of, all I could think of was when, you know, when they just, the day when they just empty the dumpster and you look inside of it and all that fucking, that liquid slime, that's all I could.

God. Now I feel like if someone is that poor with their dental hygiene, I feel like that definitely is a red flag, to be honest. If it were me. Yeah, you're not going downstairs. You've seen the attic. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't want to see the basement. I'm looking at her right now. I know. She's so cute. So cute. Okay. All right. Bye.

Turn on the AC. You don't mind? Yes. Oh, it bugged me last night, by the way. You all impressed that I got her to go to sleep. It bugged me. Every time I leave, you call me every time I think I'm out, you pull me back in. Yes, I know, but I was trying to compliment you.

I know. I thought you felt, you know, some type of, I didn't know. I had difficulties getting her to go to sleep. You were like, I stink at it. Oh, that just means I don't want to do it. I can do it. I just don't want to do it. Oh, really?

Because you made it seem like you made me feel bad for you. Like you felt like, oh, it's not like I do it every day. Like you do. Like you felt somehow it bothered you inside. No, I just knew it was easier. No, I just knew it was easier for you to do it. Because, you know, you can always tap out. It's like drunk drivers with Ubers.

You can always take your boob out and then put her to sleep with that. I can't do that. Okay. I'm a man without a country there. Right. And I thought, yeah, I thought that meant that you felt like you didn't really have a place in terms of like getting her to go to sleep. But now I'm realizing that you're just lazy.

So. Lazy. I worked all day in a writer's room staring at a computer screen trying to think of jokes for animated children. Okay. All right. Just for that, I'm drinking tonight and I'm going to be really belligerent. Extra belligerent tonight.

I know she's adorable. And you know what? Adorable is not funny. So. I've been trying to leave for the past five minutes. You keep calling me back in. You see what she does? You see how she yells at me?

Could you put the AC on please, sweetheart? You ask me now one more time. I swear to God. I'm going to try it out. All right. I got to read this one thing for you. No. I got to read this one thing for you.

No. I'm trying to leave. All right. Put the AC on. Don't. Don't. Ow. All right.

You could have got me worse. You could have got me worse. All right. Passionate women hit hard. I don't know if you've ever noticed that. If you date some chick who just has no direction and she balls her fist up them and you can literally just continue eating your club sandwich. But if you get a woman with passion, that or if they had an older brother, it's going

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Go to lift.com slash burr today and get your $500 new driver bonus that's lift.com slash burr lift.com slash burr. I don't know why I just thought this but I don't think Ferrari's going to catch Mercedes I just don't I don't know what the fuck's going on over there. I know this season is only halfway over but I don't know. Both Ferraris both fucking left front tires both in the final five laps and it's like a bad fucking sitcom. I'm sorry with all the fucking mealy mouth on this podcast.

I'm trying not to do it on the mic it's just I got this halls in my mouth because my fucking voice is shot once again and I got all this acting to do so I'm taking a break a momentary hiatus from screaming my jokes on stage. You know I just really need to do I need to write smarter jokes that all I gotta do is just come out the same wear a suit bang bang boom and I'm done. All right simply safe summer is prime time for burglary those fucking cunts why can't they do it in the winter when you're already miserable you know you're having a good time I think I really I think she's the one where's my furniture.

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no long term contracts no installation costs and no hidden fees and 24 7 professional monitoring it's just 1499 a month for a panic button how many think Jody Foster paid for that fucking panic room I'm what an idiot she had the whole room all you need was a button once you press that the attacker is gonna be like oh fuck and he's gonna leave you press the button right call the action get $100 off the summer security package at simply safe dot com slash bar no simply safe burr dot com now the sale ends July 31st that simply safe burr dot com to get $100 off simply safe dot com simply safe burr dot com fuck alright I'm just gonna swallow this fucking thing there we go alright sorry 33 fucking minutes of

me fucking sloshing around here 37 38 minutes alright so anyways I'm gonna be in New York sweating my balls off for the next fucking week being the new Cynthia Nixon and you know what kills me is I just I found out too late that guns and roses is gonna be playing at the Apollo Theater that night the 30th anniversary 30th anniversary of the of appetite for destruction they're gonna be doing it there I fucking could have figured out a way to weasel my way into that show it's done through serious XM God knows I've done enough shit over there and I completely fucked myself because I didn't realize that show was going on and then I'm gonna be in New York and while I'm in New York John fucking maya with the night game opening up

with Dave Hila John drums at the LA forum Steve Jordan on drums two of my favorite drummers of all fucking time two incredible fucking bands one of the best venues to see a goddamn concert and I show up like a fucking day or two later and I missed that you know I just feel like I missed everything anyways that's a podcast thank you guys so much for listening I hope you have a wonderful weekend you cunts yeah that's it listen to this music as we transfer to another half hour free shit here from a Thursday afternoon podcast from a Thursday gone by in a year that already happened or maybe it's early this year I don't know I don't choose them that's it I'll talk to you on Monday

I know phobia hey Billy Bob Agans is it gyno phobia you afraid of the gynecologist I don't fucking I am a 20 year old college guy who has was it gyno phobia the fear of women I've never heard of this he said when I was a kid I used to get the shit kicked out of me and girls would always spread rumors about me and it would really screw with my mind wait a minute you didn't get along with men or women well what we what were you doing you know what that's the last thing you needed to hear well what's wrong with you I'm sorry forgive me I'm not a trained professional so you know you're asking them more on and you know I'm gonna behave accordingly here we go as I grew

up I started to resent and hate all the people around me that my mother tells me about false rape accusations and that makes oh and that makes females look even more scarier than they already were see guys just kick the shit out of you females psychologically fuck you up bad and don't even have a tint of remorse or empathy Jesus Christ alright dude so your mother's a psycho she put all these fears on you yeah you got a maybe I would seek some professional help before you turn into Norman Bates alright let's continue this then I hear about all the women raping men in the divorce courts and in general adding more fuel to the fear dude you're over thinking this shit I mean you probably heard half of that from me but I'm an idiot don't listen to me he says gotten

to the point where when a female introduces herself to me I just see her as a potential mind raping and prolonged exercise of getting verbally abused so I just always say sorry but I have somewhere to be right now goodbye and I walk away sir can I steal that from you I want to use that next time I get pulled over got licensed resist sorry but I have somewhere to be right now goodbye and you just just act like the rain man and they'll fucking leave you alone that's actually brilliant he said they scare me so much but I'm still attracted to them oh my god dude listen you got a you got a you got to get past this hopefully you're still young and this is early on but this is something where you are you know everybody is trying to go towards the we'll

just call it whatever planet live happily ever after but if you're off by just one degree you're not really going to notice when you're 22 24 you know but by the time you're 40 you're going to be about a million miles off course so let's try to get you some help I would go see a therapist sir and I know I've been joking around but I kind of have to do that because this is a podcast but well actually because it's a podcast that's supposed to be funny not saying you can't have a serious podcast yeah I would go get some help quickly and I would get rid of all those fears and I would say a lot of the fears are probably put into your head by your mom when you're really young and you need to try to get those out of there before they take any more root than they already do

already have well let's finish here said my mind says stay the fuck away while my dick says do it do it fucking do it but in this climate of unrestrained female hypoagency I don't want to fuck that I mean this shit that makes women invade male spaces and makes them change everything to suit them dude dude you're taking your fucking fear of women you're you're you're you're blowing by me listen are you a great guy if you're a great guy there's a great woman out there for you and then and it's a beautiful thing they're not all like this what you're doing is you're taking the worst of the worst of females and you're painting it with the broad brush all right well Jesus Christ I'm relating to this guy here said I'd rather stay celibate for life all right now I don't really

to that I am a loner to a vast degree but I got a loving family to back me up so I ain't on the fringe or anything I plan on just working towards my career and did I write this like 20 years ago Jesus Christ plan on just working towards my career in education but either way I'll have to deal with women and it's been hard to do since lately do so lately since my social skills tanked over the last nine months trauma conga line of horrific events happened and I am working on getting the confidence back through Brazilian jujitsu I already lost 11 pounds and I'm starting to feel a lot better all right well just don't go choke out any women all right try to put them in the triangle said anyways is there any way but martial arts are a great way to build self-esteem from what

I've heard anyways is there any is there any way to get rid of the insane fear I have about women or is it just 15 years of hurt that'll take almost forever to undo thanks and go fuck yourself six ways from Sunday and good luck with your stand up all right oh so you're only 15 is that what you're saying all right dude first of all it's great you took up Brazilian jujitsu you should know how to defend yourself and don't be a cunt about it when you become a black belt use it to save nerds and protect yourself but never be a bully and then as far as women I would actually try and talk to somebody about this and I would try to have more of an open mind because right now if you're only 15 years old or even if you're young in your early 20s mid 20s you're basically

you got the lottery pick as far as women goes all right they're all available all first round draft picks bunch of first round draft picks just sitting there and you know depending on when you open your mouth and start talking to one is when you pick in the draft if you know what I mean sooner rather than later but I would just talk to somebody about about about some of your issues maybe at school they got some free fucking therapy or something like that if you're too young to pay for it but I don't know I would talk to somebody I would talk to some of your guy friends about it I would you know what I would do I would openly talk about your fear of women to um to friends you know and I would I would sit down with your

mother and just say listen I have major issues with women right now and I think some of it stems from a lot of the negative things that you've said about them and I need you to stop doing that because it's it's fucking with me don't don't say that part but say it in a nicer way um but if she's you know I don't know that's the hardest fucking thing is because you are born into the religion of your parents you know and into all of their beliefs and hopefully they have more good than bad but they're humans so they're gonna be wrong and you know when you're a little toddler all the way through like seven eight years old your parents are godlike you just think they know everything and they have all the answers they never look unsure you do everything

that they fucking say so a lot of that stuff just really takes deep root like it's it's law in your head and then in your teenage years you start breaking away you realize some of his bullshit and that's when some anger can come out and that type of stuff so I would say what you're going through is normal it's just that you may be had an extreme uh helping of some fucking anti-woman shit which I can relate to because I did too and I had to fight through that shit I mean it took me I didn't get married till I was 45 I had major fucking issues but uh it's like anything look it just use the martial arts thing as a uh metaphor or a simile whatever the fuck you're supposed to whatever the right terminology is look you you did that you stuck with that you lost 11 pounds

you work towards that look at look at what you're you're getting you're getting positive results and it hasn't been easy right but you keep showing up you get positive results I would do the same thing with your women issues I would just start working on it um you know next time a woman comes up and says hello don't say I have somewhere to go just say hello back and stay in the conversation for as long as you can and when you feel like bailing just say listen I'm really shy around women and it's something that I'm trying to work on just put it out there and you know what I guarantee 80% of them are gonna say oh you know when they do that they're gonna love it and next thing you know you're out there watching a romantic comedy with some lady having a good time but I would I would

address it sooner than later I'm telling you dude it's you literally it's you think it's a mountain it's it's a fucking it's stepping up under the curb it's all in your head and that's totally normal because I I would guess that your fears started when you were in your my mom's godlike phase of your life so you think you think it's uh what's that fucking mountain everybody Everest that everybody tries to climb up it isn't it isn't okay it's a little fucking anthill and uh and you can do it all right I believe in you good luck sir there you go hey what's going on it's bill burr and it is the uh Monday morning podcast for Monday July fucking something I don't know what it is because it's sunday it's gonna be the 20th right

now wait a minute I'm on September here god damn it it is the 20th look at the fucking odds of that um anyways what's going on it's bill burr the Monday morning podcast for uh Monday July the 20th and I'm actually doing it sunday night because uh whenever you're listening to this fucking thing um um probably out golfing yes believe it or not a guy who already has too many god damn hobbies with his pathetic drumming and guitar playing um I don't know I've somehow got sucked into that game fighting it fighting it my entire adult life all my friends not all my friends it's a bunch of fucking people I know they they they golf and uh I always viewed it like drinking coffee I just didn't like I don't know I just didn't look like that much fun

but everyone was completely addicted to it you know I took a sip of fucking uh coffee when I was like eight years old and it tasted like shit tasted like dirty water and it looked like dirty water and that's what it tasted like and I know I never I never got into it and I don't know my whole adult life I just watch all these people walking around they can't start their fucking day unless they get a cup of this shit you know all these people talking about people on crystal meth and addicted to alcohol and shit like that I mean I guess they're not fucking slurring this speech you know it doesn't cause them to slap their fucking wife around or something like that so I guess it's kind of harmless but I don't know remember this kid when

I worked in a warehouse he used to drink like fucking eight cokes a day you know he'd like suck down like one an hour when we were working and one day he decided to try to quit it cold turkey and this kid couldn't even function he had like this migraine headache he lasted like an hour and a half maybe two hours right up until our first break and he just finally he drank a coke and he just felt better so uh yeah so I avoided that shit and uh I don't know I've been kind of worried about losing my memory and somebody told me if you actually drink caffeine that actually helps with Alzheimer's so I had an Italian meal a few weeks ago and I drank a shot of espresso or espresso however the fuck you say it and uh I don't know I know I know it was fucking brutal

I got it over with though and then someone's like no no no I actually read where it adds to Alzheimer's disease and I was like you know what I don't give a fuck you know none of you are doctors who are giving me this advice you know it's fucking ridiculous he might not like how many times have you done that you know you're just sitting in a bar and somebody just says that well actually caffeine helps uh helps against helps prevent Alzheimer's yeah they've done studies oh really really do you have any of those studies in front of you what what the fuck do you do huh what do you what what do you what does anybody do anymore huh what do you do huh you sit in a fucking cubicle looking at spreadsheets

of the sweatshop labor this is how fucked up this country is right now as far as like I'm really just trying to buy American made shit um I actually went and I got a couch and I went to this uh this furniture store over here in the valley and it was uh you know allegedly American made shit so I I ordered this couch because you know you don't want to take the one that's on the floor that everybody's fucking plop down on so I get this couch right so I'm like when I asked before I bought the couch you know because I want to buy American made shit made by Americans you know what I mean get this fucking country going again well like we can't make a couch you know we've made the best-looking fucking cars of all goddamn time before we started being cheap motherfuckers about it

all right we went to the moon and we faked going to the moon I don't know what the fuck we did okay but it was it was impressive we can make a goddamn couch okay so I asked the guy where's the couch made he says it's made in Pasadena long story short is I have a problem I ended up having a problem with the upholstery that they put on the fucking thing so that was when I actually you know I had to send the stupid couch back I actually learned of their process this is what they do they do make the couch in Pasadena they build the damn thing but when they put the upholstery on it they actually that part of the job they shipped it down to like Honduras okay think about that they build it in Pasadena I live over here in LA all right and they fucking ship it to Honduras to to have the

uh the uh what did the upholstery put on it and then they ship it back to America so my thing is like how fucking cheap is the goddamn labor down there that that's that that's financially a better way to go you know the fuck am I talking about golf here I'm talking about fucking shipping couches to Honduras I don't know it's late at night here and I'm trying not to fucking scream and yell because uh my neighbors are sleeping here um yes anyway so I've taken up golf and I still refuse to take it seriously although I did go out and buy a little Tiger Woods outfit you know I don't know I didn't want to go down there looking like a douche you know like the frat boy I figure if I dress nicely even if I suck maybe I look like you know I'm having a bad day

or something so uh anyways I'm golfing right now that's what the fuck I'm doing and uh I missed that whole uh British open yesterday we're uh Tom Watson Tom Watson I thought the guy was like dead you know even though Aaron Palmer's still alive this fucking guy's like 59 years old he almost won the British open but then he didn't which is typical of golf oh my god something's great great's gonna happen and then it doesn't and then you watch somebody choke in front of their entire family I still haven't gotten over the math masters you know even though uh what the Kenny Perry is that his name he's one another uh he wants to I don't know what the fuck he won but he didn't get a green jacket I can tell you that I can fucking tell you that what am I talking about this week

hey this is the deal all right and you know what's the deal because I started this sentence off with hey I was trying to get your attention there uh I'm gonna be at the uh the comedy works in Denver Colorado on uh Thursday Friday and Saturday of this week uh it's one of my favorite clubs out there and I also want to thank everybody who came out to see my show um a week ago um at the punchline I had a great time as the first time I was on stage headlining since uh the middle of May because I was being a little fancy fucking dude there's Jimmy Norton says uh making a movie or sitting around waiting to do my 11 lines however the fuck you want to look at it but I'm going to say it in the positive way I was making a movie and uh I was a little a little rusty

kind of found my I was a little a little uh it's a little messy but uh I got through it but I was uh by the second show I was back on my game so I'm really looking forward to this and if uh you guys haven't been listening to my podcast um I am going to be doing another special and it looks like it's going to be in December and it looks like if everything works out I'm going to be taping it in San Francisco so um I am going to be in a theater or a comedy club near you from here till then from right now until then did I say that correctly um I kind of have a bit of a it starts getting going basically right at the end of August and I'm just hardcore September October November and half of December and then I'm going to take the thing I am going to

be hardcore on the road like the old days when I wasn't making any money so I had to go out like three four times a fucking month and then do a bunch of spots in the city I'm going to be doing it like that and uh I'm looking forward to it I'm going to try to eat healthy on the road these are my goals now am I going to do it who to who to fuck knows all right I'm going to try not to drink when I'm on the road and try to do some yoga I'm going to try to fucking do some cardio do some pull-ups get myself in shape physically and uh not look like a bloated jackass that's the last thing you want to fucking do you don't want to sweat and you don't want to look like a bloated jackass during your special and and then thirdly you want to be fucking hilarious but that that is

the uh that is the order number one you do not want to sweat you eat your balls it's no big deal they'll throw some laughter in there maybe they'll sweeten it up or maybe they'll just play it once and people forget about it but if you're pouring fucking sweat people people remember that shit you know no why would you know you don't fucking you don't do stand up all right I'm a little out of it here uh all right what do we got here um let's get on with the questions here oh and if you're new to my podcast welcome um I joke every week that I only have like 14 listeners but I got to admit I was at the uh when I was at the punchline on Monday punchline in San Francisco somebody somebody yelled out pow gasol because they wanted to see my impression as I was talking about I did

one here on the podcast so before I just launched into it I asked the people in the crowd hey how many of you guys listened to my podcast and it was literally like three quarters of the crowd so I was kind of blown away by that so I think I might be up to about 27 listeners there people um anyway so uh let's get on with the podcast here uh last week I was talking about all the celebrities who died and uh and how all these morons when Ed McMahon died and then Farah died and then um Michael Jackson died people what do they say oh there you go you know bad things coming trees you know you're fucking coming trees and then Billy Mays dies right and then fucking uh what's his face fucking died earlier that month jerking off he dies right so that's five so you

know what some fucking jackass sends me this email he was half joking around he goes you know he goes I'm one of those guys who actually says all the time that bad things come in threes and I actually put up on my facebook when those three celebrities dies when they died I wrote bad things coming three but then he mentioned that Karl Malden died he goes so technically that's six so that's three and three so I am right really that why isn't bad why isn't it bad things coming six you people are out with the bad things coming three you guys you're out of your fucking minds bad things coming threes so then what what if somebody else dies and it goes up to seven then you keep your fucking mouth shut until two more people die and yeah see you there there you go comes back around again so

you guys just basically you basically open your mouth when whatever bad shit has been happening is divisible by three to prove your fucking point you know I could say bad things come in eights and just wait for the eighth bad thing to fucking happen and then rattle them off they don't come in threes bad things just continue to fucking happen which is why they have ice cream and alcohol you know so you can do fun shit while you're waiting for the next the next bad thing to happen you know we had a heatwave out here there that's seven bad fucking things how what are you were you a fucking old lady what kind of a human what kind of a man says that shit all right let's move on to some other stuff I know like I was just joking the guy who sent me the email and six but

you know if I don't take it seriously then I don't get emotional about it and then the podcast isn't funny all right and then I lose a listener like that one woman from a fucking couple months ago I never heard from her again or her alleged friends who were listening so anyways which really affected the overall value of this podcast because I'm actually doing this to get to a certain number and then I'm going to go corporate and then I'm going to sell it just like these fucking cunts who start the myspace these these social social networks whatever the fuck you call them what they really are is they're basically clubs on the internet you know like I've never believed in a knot I was never into the club scene I know it's hard to believe that I didn't put on cologne

and go all right maybe I did it a couple times but I failed so horrifically and I've always said one of my strengths in life is I've known what I sucked at okay and going to the night at the Roxbury things is not something I was never good at excuse me I need to drink here all right that's gross you don't want to hear anybody chewing gum or fucking take a sip of anything but you know what it's hot as fuck out here I was playing drums all day I was actually playing with other human beings if you can believe it it's a whole different kind of drumming you know when you play by yourself and you do whatever the fuck you want you screw up there's nobody looking over their shoulder like really you said you could play drums there there's nobody looking at you like that so it was a whole

different fucking level um anyways I was I know some but the social networks they're they're like clubs you know what I mean where you got the new hot club and all the cool kids are going there and then all the nerds show up and the bridge and tunnel crowd and all that shit and then everybody took off to Facebook that's what the fuck happened and then all the nerds went over there and then all the cool kids went over to Twitter and now all the nerds have fallen them over there and it just it's going to be never fucking ending so uh that's why I'm still here on MySpace I like it it's a quiet bar now you know they can put the game on I could sit here sipping my drink having a good fucking time got all these crazy kids you know it's like a dive that's why I like

MySpace it's like a dive bar right now you know no okay maybe it isn't maybe I'm just a fucking loser it really is just a vast waistline here I'm not gonna lie to you I just it's just whores and musicians that's all that's left here um and one lonely comedian all right let's get to some feedback here this is from a woman um from a couple weeks ago when I was trashing that Carrie Underwood song um she said I am a woman and I've recently become a regular listener to your podcast I was listening to your July 6th podcast and laughed uncontrollably I actually like I actually like that Carrie Underwood song and cannot argue with the things you said the two-piece combination to the cabbage comment was freaking hilarious just thought you should hear it from

a woman that was awesome all right well you know what I should well thank you very much I appreciate that and just because you brought that up I'm gonna actually give you the history behind the two-piece combination to the cabbage actually where I heard that it was actually a slight I gave a variation of it I was on my way to do a stand-up gig in one of the outer boroughs in New York and I was with somebody and they were pissed at somebody else and they were saying how they were gonna kill them and they were not joking and they were going off and just like you know this motherfucker this is my fucking dad I'm gonna fuck him buh buh buh buh all this shit and he was basically and I'm looking at the dude because he really you know you know some people say I'm

gonna fucking kill this guy this guy was dead serious so it was kind of an awkward moment you know I'm just sort of like nodding you know trying to act like I hear somebody every day tell me that they're gonna kill another human being and uh he was talking about he's gonna shoot him in the head and uh the way he put it he said the grant I hadn't laughed up to this point he said he was gonna shoot him in the head and then there was this awkward silence and then he just says a throw away throw away line he just said he said two beans to the cabbage and it was like a half second pause and I just started roaring laughing which got him laughing and then we were just fucking laughing and then he kept trying to say no I'm serious son as he's fucking laughing and it was

just one of those great fucking moments and nobody ended up getting killed at the end of it and it was just something that's just stuck it's not the beans it's the cabbage there's just something there's something about when you do damage to somebody's head that it literally cabbage is the I don't know why it's just perfect it's just perfect so uh that's how I got the cabbage reference and of course everyone was remade I didn't tell you the burrow see right there that's how you do it who the fuck am I kidding if anything ever happened and they dragged me in they wouldn't have to do good cop bad cop all they'd have to do is slam the door and be like okay we were driving on the LIE and anyways all right here's a fucked up new story for you uh shit goddamn piece of

shit computer um or maybe it's the person operating it all right here we go he's a fucked up new story that somebody sent me a lacrosse woman now this is not a woman who plays lacrosse it's a woman from a town evidently called lacrosse and this story is so fucked up that I actually researched it on the internet and by research I mean I did a quick search and I clicked on the first story and it agreed with me and therefore it became fact so with that background let's read the story all right a lacrosse woman a woman from lacrosse uh is accused of stabbing her boyfriend Tuesday after she caught him watching pornography and masturbating according to lacrosse police reports okay she caught him watching pornography and masturbating so she allegedly stabbed him

uh Rachel Ferrara 23 found her 24 year old boyfriend inside her home um the couple argued and Ferrara accused the man of being an explicative cheater being a fucking cheater because evidently he was masturbating to pornography uh she evidently punched him twice in the abdomen kicked him in the groin uh Ferrara then back the man into the kitchen which I know a lot of people are like oh my god a woman couldn't back a man and yes she can because we cannot lay a hand on you so when you go psycho that's what you do you back into the room going honey relax relax crazy you take a couple more you know put your you try to do the george foreman you know george foreman covers up his body late in his career you got

one forearm sword in front of your face and the other one below you it's almost like you're starting to cross your arms to do that run DMC thing but you stop midway you know like the end of chips um anyways god bless you if you got that joke all right uh so Ferrara then back the man into the kitchen she grabbed a five inch serrated knife and slashed his arms before stabbing him in the abdomen according to reports uh she reportedly refused his attempts to calm down calm her down and she screamed at him to leave the man drove himself to Gunderson uh blah blah medical center where he was treated and released uh the woman Ferrara was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct while armed and recklessly endangering safety she's expected later today in lacrosse

county circuit court so the man who sent me this said really disorderly conduct while armed and recklessly endangering safety if I as a guy went and stabbed my girlfriend in the abdomen because she had a vibrator in her twat I would get charged with attempted murder and possibly rape but I guess that's why we make a dollar more an hour oh shit did I just steal one of your jokes oh well sincerely and then he names the name of a comedian who's known for stealing jokes um yeah that is uh kind of a light charge wouldn't you say you know I'm not sitting here saying that she actually did any of this shit because I understand that when I know what alleged means okay but my thing is what you know if she did do this shit which they're trying to uh prove

disorderly conduct while armed and recklessly endangering safety now what does that mean to you guys okay if I told you I was arrested of disorderly conduct while armed and recklessly endangering safety you know what that would mean that would mean I'm at a gun range and I'm shit faced and I didn't properly holster my weapon after I shot at a paper target that's kind of what it seems like you know or maybe I'm doing something you know I'm trying to shoot a bottled rocket out of my asshole or so I don't know I don't know what you know what I mean but that you would you know if I told you I got arrested for that shit you wouldn't thought that I fucking stabbed somebody you know slash their arms and then fucking stabbed them you know I don't understand

when is the world going to understand that whoever is wielding a knife if they stab somebody you know regardless of their sex that is attempted murder isn't it that's just fucking unreal I gotta tell you something uh I'm gonna go see that movie coming out um I think it's called orphan I don't know what with that little scary girl in it but they they rescue this girl like some fucking psycho pitbull like the one that I have um oh my god she had a fucking dream the other night and fuck you you dude from England all right you fast forward through this shit I don't give a fuck that dude from a couple weeks ago says he can't stand my stories about I'm gonna fucking tell one every week just to annoy you this is how crazy shelter dogs

are my fucking dog is lying there and I'm about and I'm like you know drifting off to sleep and all of a sudden I'm hearing like right and it's like seeping into my dream you know I'm fucking I don't know talking to some whore in my dream and all of a sudden she turns into like a bear or some shit right so I fucking wake up I'm like what kind of dream is that I look over and there's my damn dog sound asleep moving one of his paws going doing that shit so I don't know what the fuck to do right you know you're not supposed to awake a sleeping sleepwalking human being what do I do with the fucking psycho pitbull that's evidently having words with somebody in a goddamn dream so I decided to wake her up I was like Cleo Cleo Cleo and then she immediately

just sort of woke up and then looked at me and just started wagging her tail like oh hey how's it going and then just put her head back down again like all that shit just didn't happen it's just fucking the fucking thing's nuts all right let's get back to the uh let's get back I want to see that movie that movie uh orphan there um which is uh you know it's got just there's something about women when they're the bad guy it it's extra scary to me you know I'm just talking about a guy being a maniac I don't you just look at that fuck that guy fuck him I you know whatever I drop kick him you know you just think shit like that for the most part but there's something about I don't know it's they've always freaked me out and for some reason you know I was thinking about that

how like women you know women being the uh the Michael Myers to me is way more scary than the guy and I remember when I way back in like 82 or 83 when I first got cable I was watching late night and I can't even you know I I really feel bad for people of this generation who have just grown up with cable you have no idea how fucking insane cable is you have no idea we had three networks two UHFs and that was it and nobody cursed no titties no nothing it was it was unbelievable unbelievable when that shit came out so anyways so I'm watching late night and I was watching this movie and I looked it up on YouTube it's actually the movie is called curtains and uh it has one of the most bizarre fucked up scenes you know I went back and I watched

it it really didn't hold up over time um but back in the day it really fucking freaked me out it basically there's a scene in that movie curtains where there's a girl who's out on a pond and she's fucking take it I can't even explain it for I forget because I haven't seen the movie in so long the clip I watched she's basically uncovering snow and you think it's a dead body but it's a doll underneath and she's holding it up the doll has a weird look on her face and then they're sort of cutting to these fucking ice skates slowly in slow motion just beginning to skate across the pond towards this girl and of course she has no idea that this fucking thing is coming towards her and they just show it from a distance and it just looks like a person and as

it gets closer and closer it just it's this fucking psycho I think it's a woman I can't even remember but it looks like a woman it's got a female face like a witch face with long hair and she's skating like she's speed skating then she pulls out like this fucking sickle I can't it's fucked up right I mean I don't know dude I went from Barney Miller to that that was that's what it was like to have no cable and then to have that and I'm like literally 12 13 fucking years old the movie's called curtains just look it up it's the only part of the movie probably worth worth watching you can actually watch the clip and when you're when you're there there's another clip that you have to watch that kind of ties into this whole thing where women you know when they do violent shit

they just don't get charged with the same stuff that a guy does and if you really feel that there's no justice in the world ever when it comes to females physically doing stuff to guys I have a video for you and I cannot take credit for this youtube video this isn't even youtube video of the week it's not youtube video of the month as far as I'm concerned this is youtube video of the fucking year this is what I want you guys to google right here whatever go on youtube and search tough talking college girl all right somebody sent me this clip it is unbelievable okay and tough is spelled t u f f okay and it basically involves the classic scenario the hot chick in the bikini there's some guy hitting on her she starts giving him

shit back he gives her shit and then she throws a drink in his face you know and then turns around and walks away because that's what you do when you throw a fucking drink in somebody's face you just walk away you know now as a guy I feel bad for guys whoever's fucking listening to this right now and you're not near a fucking computer because you really just need to watch it you really need to watch it because in a perfect world this is what you'd be able to do as a guy all right now I don't I have to talk about this video I you know spoiler alert I'm going to tell you what the fuck happened so if you want to hit pause and fucking watch the video or if you want to listen to me talk about the video this is I'm babbling right now to give you that opportunity

okay because I'm going to ruin what the fuck happens okay I'm going to talk about it in three two one all right here we go so she throws the fucking drink in his face and just turns around walks away okay because that's what happens in movies nothing ever happens and not to mention if you ever do go to make a move on some girl who does some shit like that he leaves usually a couple bounces there to choke you up basically the scenarios are outside at a pool you know I can't defend the kid who got the drink thrown in his face he definitely kind of looks like he could be a bit of a douche but whatever he's got the balls to walk up to this hot chick that back in the day when I was his age I wouldn't have the balls to walk up to so I give the kid props

okay but he does have his sunglasses dangling from his ears and hanging underneath his chin so right there the douche level of that guy is pretty fucking high so whatever so she throws the fucking drink in his face and just walks away you know she doesn't give a shit that he's got to go home and change or he's got to stand there and be sticky and 80 degree weather outside the fucking pool so he immediately you know takes a half a pause and then just fucking walks up to the girl and she's still trying to act tough she's like what you know you know like when white girls because they've watched reality tv now know how to act ghetto she's like what and throws the empty plastic cup down on the ground like she's gonna do something all right and the dude I thought he

was gonna wind up and blast her in the face so at this point I'm watching it with one eye because I don't give a fuck what a girl does you never want to see her get his fucking closed fisted it's it's just it's ugly even though she threw the drink but the dude fucking just I had to watch it twice to see what he does he does a fucking leg sweep that that I swear to god he could have beat one of the graces with one of this he just it's like the girl standing up and then she is not he just I can't believe like from her knees down both those parts of her legs didn't fly off like a mortar hit him that's how fucking he just fucking I'm literally standing up acting it out again huh this is like when I told the

Rose Bowl story back in the day right he literally just fucking leg sweeps her and she just goes down on the ground and she hits the back of her head in the concrete and that's the part where you're like ooh not good funny until the back of the head hits the concrete but she immediately goes like oh my god screaming basically sounding the alarm for all the guys to come and rescue her which they kind of don't they kind of all stand up like hey dude whoa what's going on you know and uh you know why did I try to describe that I can't do justice you have to see this tough talk in college girl just google that and spell tough tu ff and I swear to god like I said I don't advocate hitting a woman and I think women should respect that rather than take advantage of it and

I really think if you take a full drink and you throw it in somebody's face you're really taking advantage of that a man should never hit a woman okay and uh I really have to be honest with you if the guy punched her in the face I would have said he was a douche but there's something about a leg sweep that it had a gentleman quality to it you know in fact that's the comment I left under the first time the video was up it was taken down but the comment I left was leg sweep equals gentleman I gotta be honest with you I've seen girls get punched I've seen them get slapped okay I've seen a guy shake a girl I've seen a dude choke a girl none of this I advocate but I've seen all that I have never seen somebody go for the leg sweep and it was it was a it was a it was

surprising you know what I mean it's like when you see a movie and you think you know how it's gonna end like oh Jesus and then the hero comes in on the white horse and then no no Leonardo DiCaprio gets popped in the fucking elevator and you're like holy shit holy shit I didn't see that comment that's what that's what that fucking leg sweep was like it was like seeing DiCaprio get popped in the departed it's fucking phenomenal YouTube video of the year why don't we have that that's a new segment here on my Monday morning podcast let's let's have nominees okay because when they nominate the Oscars it's usually like two three months ahead of time that's what we'll have in December you guys just remind me we will have the nominees for YouTube video of the year

for me okay that movie is like the equivalent to that I'm not gonna say there will be blood it's more like no country for old men you know that kid should just had a bowl cut and just not blinked when he fucking did it and and that I would have bought it on DVD all right so there you go okay was that misogynistic enough we always have to have that moment in this fucking podcast all right let's wind it down here with the questions because it's getting late and I got to get up early here because I have a tea time ahoy and he stepped on the ball all right questions um hey Mr. Burr how's that for making you feel fucking old that did it did make me feel all right all right um I was just wondering what your thoughts are on were on why people are so

easily offended especially by foul language I thought you might have some insight here as someone who uses the word cunt and fuck quite regularly um hey guilty is charged um maybe um it has something to do with the fact that I live in the south but it seems like you drop the f-bomb here oh I see what you're saying uh maybe it has to do with the fact that I live in the south that if you drop the f-bomb here or tell someone um tell someone with all all the fucking padding why didn't I enlarge this I'm the worst reader I'm sorry guys let me start this again uh maybe it's something to do with the fact that I live in the south but it seems like if you drop the f-bomb here or tell tell something to someone without all the fucking padding and they just lose their

shit um do you think this has something to do with the pussification of America or do most people just grow up in a household where ball busting oh do most people not grow up in a household where ball busting is commonplace um I don't know you know when I go across America I don't see a lot of pussies I see a lot of psychos I just think in general that um this country has you know just really become corporate and they cast a wide net they're always commercial fishing so they're trying not to uh offend people so a lot of the shows on tv have sort of been uh dumbed down I think but in general I mean I live in America and I say fucking cunt all the time as do all of my friends and uh there you go so I'm defining America by how I behave

I don't know I think I think certain people grow up uh with ball busting and other people don't and the reality is everybody has a different line and I think the the real thing is that people who get offended are way more organized um and they complain and they write letters and people who don't give a fuck don't give a fuck enough to write a letter to say I don't give a fuck you know so there you go did you guys hear that burp that was one of those internal burps that I heard in my head and I can't tell if that was out loud all right um all right let's move on to the next one hey bill big fan love your comedy and your podcast are fucking hilarious thank you very much uh I appreciate that you're doing for free thank you and anyways I have a question for you

when a comedian such as yourself records a cd or a dvd is that a one-time shot or are you able to reshoot if you are unhappy with the show um it all depends um I like and for the most part yeah if you do like a stand-up special you do uh you do at least two shows I was watching a guy recently on um HBO hype in his special and he was talking about working somewhere in Texas and he was going to do four shows and from the four shows he was going to put together the special but for the most part you do at least two so this is how it's worked with me I did a cd called emotionally unavailable which is available on itunes um I really need to whore out my shit more too by the way but how I did that was I taped that at the laugh house in Philadelphia and I was doing four shows

two Friday and two Saturday and I taped all the shows I listened back to all the shows and I just liked the second show Saturday night and I liked it and I got heckled and there was some awkward moments in it and it just sounded like a show and what I liked about the old school comedy albums that I used to listen to when I was growing up is you really felt like um you were kind of in the nightclub and you were listening and that type of thing and it just I don't know with all this pro tool stuff you can really make something sound really slick and I you know I think I wrote that in the liner notes wow I'm really going back a long way I think the liner notes I actually wrote like I didn't kind of want to splice together a performance that never

really happened you know so and then the other half was I was fucking lazy and it was true I wasn't going to go through four hours of fucking audio and just listening to me do the same I just couldn't fucking do it so I was like you know what I like that second show Saturday so that's how I did that that one on the HBO one when I did my half hour there was two tapings and my first show went really well so I knew I had a good special and then I came out the second one and the second one I was even more loose and that one just went ridiculously great and afterwards the director was like you know what I think that second one was the one other than this one little joke so why don't we just take one little joke from the first one stick that in the rest will be the second show and I said

works for me so that's how that one went together and why do I do this was only one show that one and that was because of the budget we kind of waited a little too long to get a theater and we had to spend more money than we thought and then in the end we only had the budget to do one of them so what you see is what you get on that one that was just one one take and I left out some tags and that type of shit and it was kind of freaking me out in the beginning of the special if you look closely in my eyes you'll see it a couple of times but then I was just like well fuck it no one's gonna know that I missed the tags you know this is the special bill why don't you get present and fucking deliver it so I just you know

yeah that's how I did that one but yeah basically speaking yeah you don't just do one unless you have no fucking budget or you fucked up your budget or something like that so this one that I do in San Diego in San Francisco I am going to be doing two and also I'm going to be doing a bunch of fucking road work before before I come up to it so I'm going to be extra ready and I actually learned something the last time when I did an hour basically when I did my half hour for HBO I was on the road doing 50 minutes so to do a half hour was a joke it's kind of like if you're doing cardio for 50 minutes and then one day did 30 it'd be easy so but what I wasn't doing when I trained for the hour was when I was doing the hour I was doing right about an hour

so it felt like more work than doing the half hour so this time when I go through I'm going to be doing at least an hour and 10 and an hour and 15 minutes when I'm on stage especially September September October November unless I'm doing three shows that night I won't do that because I don't want to back it up you know but I actually I am actually really against doing more than an hour on stage I think it becomes you know people are just like all right and we got it you're funny we have to go to work tomorrow okay my face hurts it's like you're overselling I always feel like when you do more than an hour you're kind of overselling although I did an hour and 13 I just uploaded that one from San Francisco not where you guys can listen where I can listen to it and it actually

holds together I think maybe I just wasn't in shape enough to do it but I just I don't know I just find you know once you get like hour hour and 15 it's like dude enough enough all right Jesus Christ go let me fucking different ways you're gonna answer that all right overrated underrated then I'm going to get out of here uh okay underrated uh Bill Burr thank you Lewis Black Don Cheadle Samuel Jackson beer real hip hop in parentheses common most death Talib Quelle Quelly I don't know who the fuck that is uh yeah he is underrated I have no idea who that is Kanye West how the fuck is Kanye West underrated uh overrated everything on BET MTV VH1 Sonia Sotomayor I don't know who that is Barack Obama United States military

I was a Marine for five years uh Jay fucking Cutler that still won't help the bears for shit um you know actually reminds me you know something I finally you know I've gotten into some sort of old school like uh hip hop but I just don't know what the fuck to listen to um I'm kind of talking like late 80s early 90s anything pretty biggy if he can if he got some shit um you know and not just obvious shit that like cool modi that they played on like MTV like some underground shit like this is stuff that I always hear I'm like oh you know I kind of like this guy the big oh he was in leaders of the new school or uh who was that group Eric sermon was in you know like if you know any of that shit if you can let me know give me the

heads up on that I'd like I'd like to download some of that shit because uh I don't know I'm into it now I'm trying to play drums to it and it's finding it very challenging all right um another underrated comics uh overrated here's an overrated one this is kind of an obscure one uh overrated comics who do a visual bit during their specials um and acknowledge to the live audience how funny it is that the cd listeners are left out you made a funny face we get it yeah you know what I think I've done that or you're recording a cd and you do a visual joke and then you comment how everyone at home isn't going to understand that joke we're all doing it all right um last thing ask bill hey bill just started listening to uninformed last week um and that's

my uh show radio show that I do on uh serious satellite radio serious xm whatever the fuck they call it and you know what somebody just sent me a fucking a thing here on where the hell you could listen to those bill read this you fag this is like the new thing everyone's doing because that one guy uninformed here we go uh all right here's where you can listen to all the uninformed shows that that I've done with joe de rosa uh for free um you can on mini mini nova dot com mi ni mini mi nova no va all lowercase no spaces dot com uh there you go you can listen to all of them and we're going to start doing them again uh we had one here in july i don't even know when the fuck they even put it out it's fucking disappointing how disorganized we are

with that show but anyways let's get the ass bill here uh bill just started listening to uninformed a week ago um i downloaded a package of all the shows done to date hence the ancient reference anyways uh you oh because i said no xm uh anyway you mentioned a while ago that you're really socially awkward as a kid i'd love to hear how you overcame that i dropped out of high school at 16 and it seems the more time i spent alone the harder it gets to inject myself into any situation that involves other human beings i'm now 21 apparently an adult but anytime i have to uh have to do a task that may involve other people it's a real problem even simple things like taking out the garbage or going grocery shopping make me shake and sweat my situation is probably more

severe than yours was but i'd love to hear any advice uh to to overcome this nonsense um all right uh okay well all right where can i start with that shit this is all right here's how bad mine was i was literally i would like be at an ATM and if someone was standing behind me and i had two transactions i would only do one and i would get out of line for fear that the person behind me the second i started the second transaction would literally beat the shit out of me okay now all this shit is going on in my head because that's how it worked in my family growing up you know if you took too much time next to you know i had a bunch of brothers so we end up fist fighting but until you verbalize it out loud you don't realize how fucking ridiculous it is

and uh so i don't know what did i do i basically well to become a comedian i was in college at the time and what i did was i knew that i could barely give a book report without my face turned and beat red so what i did was i just started taking classes classes where i knew i'd have to get up in front of the class and the more i did it the more i enjoyed it and the more it just it felt awesome so what i would do is um i don't know i get out a piece of paper write out what your fear is like what what are you what are you thinking is gonna happen that's another thing too man you'll spend your whole life cowering over this great fear that only exists in your fucking head and i swear to god that is most times it's just for some shit that happened when you were a kid

and your brain was forming how it was gonna view the world and you just saw some shit or some shit happened to you at the wrong fucking time and then that shit just becomes law in your head as like a five-year-old you know and you're literally 21 years old making this fearful decisions of a five-year-old and uh believe me do it i i did that and i can tell you this you know you're young enough where it's kind of easy to undo that shit but if you wait later in life like i kind of did with a lot of stuff what it is is that little seed of a fucked up thought kind of grows into this big fucking oak tree that you got to hack down so what i would do is uh you know i don't know what the fuck can you do i don't know what i don't know what you do for

a living i would you know try to be more social at work try to shoot the shit uh get involved in something if you're good at sports join a softball league if you play an instrument start jamming with other people you got to get yourself into the mix of people and uh you know it's kind of like uh you know i knew somebody who really sucked at driving you know and they were freaking out about it and just so you know the more they did it it's just like stand-up if you i'm swear to god i would never show you guys these tapes but if you could ever see video of when i first started doing stand-up when i got on stage i was so fucking nervous i never stopped moving the whole time i was on stage i would get on stage and i would just pace the entire time i would be pouring sweat

it's like it's almost like um performance art or some avant-garde because it doesn't even fucking make sense when you watch it i can't believe i ever even got any laughs but as you know years went by and the more shows i did the more comfortable i got the more presence i could be and that's basically how to do it but don't be tough on yourself just know you're gonna bomb the same way i've bombed as a comedian and uh i don't know find humor in your shortcomings you know and uh just keep working on it and uh you know believe me dude you're not just gonna start talking to somebody the next day you're not gonna be you know shy or whatever so give you give yourself permission to fuck up for a while as you work your way through it don't do the shit where you kind of say half a sentence

and then you get freaked out and then you stop and then the person's looking at you like what the fuck and then you feel like a douche and then you don't try it again until the next decade that's not the way to go all right you're 21 you should be out there drinking you should be out there banging fucking whores and uh having a good time because someday you're gonna get married and even if you have a great marriage the level of responsibility and the taxes and what the fucking bankers do to you your life's gonna suck so uh yeah you can do it dude don't don't don't don't fucking just don't be too hard on yourself that's the biggest thing when you're trying to learn new shit just know give yourself permission to suck out at the beginning and then bam there

you go how's that there's a nice feel good way to end this podcast you know i started off the fuck was i talking about coffee golf and then uh leg sweep and a chick you know was look like it was gonna go off to rails and look at it ended very nicely see i'm not all bad am i all right there you go well there's your podcast for this week i hope you guys enjoyed it uh you guys have a wonderful weekend if you're in the uh the denver area hell if you're in shyan wyoming why don't you drive down and come down to my show and uh i was gonna say i'll have a drink with you but i can't i gotta fucking see i gotta stay on point here i'll have a sasparilla with you i think i'm gonna be doing like fucking cranberry juice and lime

is that what the fuck i'm gonna do oh Jesus it's gonna be fucking brutal all right you guys have a good week and uh that is all hate and the new segment is the nominees for youtube clip of the year or maybe we'll do other month whatever we'll work it out as we do it all right guys all right oh lies in the vassal we are sometimes it blows my mind keep getting stuck here all the time you