Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-23

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

Bill rambles with Jim Gaffigan about his garden, being suspicious, and knowing who's really crazy.  Check out Jim's new stand-up special DARK PALE on Amazon Prime. Helix:  Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR 

That's an old picture if you don't realize. Hey, what's going on everybody? It's Bill Burns, time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, I thought I'd wear a nice blue shirt to bring up my eyes, but with my pasty complexion in the lighting in here, I'm just looking a little overcast. And even, I'm just checking in on you.

I have a special guest in speaking. Oh, they brought it down a little bit. A little warmer light for me. Speaking of lack of pigment, my guess today is one of my favorite comedians, one of the funniest guys out there for the longest time, sells a zillion tickets from Indiana. Ladies and gentlemen, with a new special called Dark Pale, available now on Amazon, Amazon, the one and only, Jim Gaffigan. Thank you, buddy. I feel like we should shake hands.

How are you, sir? I'm good to see you. I'm good. I like that. I wish I had glasses like this. No, I wish I didn't have glasses. I need glasses. I need triangles.

You don't have glasses? I have the far ones for when I watch hockey and I sit on my couch, and I wanna be able to see fully what's, I can still see the puck by the way, all these fucking assholes, even with my eyes messed up, I still know where it is. How about guessing maybe the guy everybody's paying attention to,

maybe he has it, is usually a good place to look. I don't like how there's always smudge, like I don't know what if it's like eyebrow, dandruff, but after a couple hours, it's just covered in goo, my glasses. Oh, well, I would say that's how you live in your life. Right. What it is.

No, you know what it is, is you never left the clubs, even though you're playing all the big places, you still go to the gym and you still work out. I always see you work whenever I come, you know, out here, and you're always working out. You're in those dirty, filthy out. I always see you work whenever I come out here or New York, you're always working out. You're in those dirty, filthy clubs. I love it.

And it just gets on you. Right? But what if you didn't do stand up? Right, if you didn't have that outlet. I don't know what, I don't think it would be good. Like I think mentally I need it to get that endorphin, not just necessarily the laughter, but like the fulfillment of a new line, a new joke.

That keeps the endorphins going, right? But I think there's something about you guys who grew up out in the Midwest. There's something about, you know, just in the winter time. I always bring this up when the crops are cut down and that overcast gray sky meets that dead earth. It just does something you guys.

You guys all kind of have that serial killer vibe. Like you could go, you could go, yeah. You know, come on, pot, kettle, kettle. You're saying you don't come across like a serial killer? No. I come off like a hothead who's gonna get killed in a bar fight. I'm gonna hit my head off a curb. I don't have that rusty farming tools

in the background. Right. I wouldn't have that you Midwest people have. I would have that shit. I would have, I would murder people in an interesting way. It wouldn't be, it would be kind of, it would, you, like if you discover it, oh Jim Gaffigan's been killing people,

it would, there would be an interesting thing, like, oh my God, he chokes them and then he jerks off on them or something like it would be. Serial, the Serial killers are the artists. They are of murderers. They're the, they're, they're kind of the standup comedians of criminals, right? The Serial killers, they are stand-up comedians of criminals, right? The serial killers, they are the stand-up comedians.

They're kind of, they're unrecognized. They kind of, they work, they work alone, right? The serial killers, I mean outside of the Nazis, they don't really work in groups. They're usually solo. They often, you know, like if they're, you know, I mean outside of the Nazis, they don't really work in groups. They're usually so low. They often, you know, like if they're, you know, Ted Bundy, he traveled, he would go on tour.

The best ones, you don't really know their names. Right. The hacks. Usually, you know, like they're always trying to like tease the police so they get the name out there. Like, you know, it was a hack was that BTK killer, right? Because he named himself and then he was trying to get all his attention.

Well, he also retired and then he came back and then he got busted. That was his ego. That was him kind of like, you know, like stand up, you have to consistently do it. Like when people take like 20 years off and then they come back and do it, but it's always it's like when Jordan went to the wizards. Right. So he came back and he was BT and but he wasn't Kay and. Right.

Well, you know, it is, you know, the serial killer thing is why do we people love, by the way, women seem to love murderers. Like my wife. I find them fascinating. Right? Like they're all against like rude behavior. But like my wife can't get enough of that date line show,

right? Yeah, my wife watches that, and the amount of times I've gone to sleep where I just hear that, it was a quiet town. Right. Things like this weren't supposed to happen. Right. They were in love until, or so it appeared.

Or so it appeared. Yeah. No, that why is the, what's, you know, my wife claims that she watches it appeared or so it appeared. Yeah. No, that why is the what's, you know, our why? My wife claims that she watches it because she thinks what would I do in that situation? And like, you know what I mean? I mean, I guess I, for a while was watching

those behind the scenes, prison things, trying to come up with a plan of what I would do before I finally came to the obvious answer, which was I would get raped repeatedly. That I think we look at the end of the day. You can't go from fucking down to the phone. What if you think what happened or is that what you would want to happen? I mean, you make a...

It's a combination of both. No, it's just... But what if you... I call it being a realist, like every guy thinks that, like I have, like I spent one night jail, never in prison, I got arrested for drinking a drive and I had to sell to myself and have to fight anybody off.

So like, you can't go, that's what always fascinates me with these fucking idiots who kill their spouse. It's like, you barely even cheated on your taxes, and now you're gonna try to get away with the most difficult thing to get away with. Where you're gonna be one of the first suspects. Who looked to profit?

Right. Do you have life insurance, by the way, because the second you get life insurance, you've put up a green light on your forehead. But what if you got to prison? I mean, I feel like if I went to prison, like I'm not gonna go, but if I got to prison, I feel like I wouldn't get raped.

They'd be like, you know what, we don't, nothing personal. You would, because you look like a child molester. No, they wouldn't, they wouldn't rape me and then I'd be all insecure. And then I'd be like, oh, nobody wants to rape me. That it would be like, but like, there would be like, there's probably some people that are like,

oh, well, at least I'll get raped in prison and then they don't get raped. Cause you know how like in high school, when you look at a yearbook, I would make a shank and then I would just stab myself. But like in high school, when you look back at your yearbook and you look at girls and you'd be like, they were kind of cute.

But like that probably happens in prison. Like there are probably people in prison where you think, oh, that guy would get raped but he doesn't get raped because like in the social thing people are like, oh, they're annoying. Or is this making any sense? I mean, I don't, I mean, I don't, I watched enough of those that I realized

that I still don't, yeah, I don't know. I just never seen that, I just saw a couple of guys where they, I just so far removed like their mindset. It's just like the game that they're playing. Like this guy, well, this guy was just talking about something that he did to his cellmate and he was,

he was talking like it wasn't even him who did it. Going, yeah, we don't know. That's like, I was just like, this guy is fucking crazy. You know what I mean? I remember when I would watch. Guys, you get a divorce. Yeah, and you lose all your money. But like the, like I remember watching Oz,

because Oz, I couldn't watch Oz. Oz had a lot of storylines where I'm like, what are we supposed to root for that guy? You know, like they were all kind of, I couldn't watch that show. It was very weird, because it was in the same kind of era as sex in the city.

So I'm like, is this, sex in the city is for the women, is ours for the guy. It's so weird. No, I never understood that show. It's just like, I don't want to see that. I don't want to watch people doing that to each other. And it's just like, yeah, that's just too weird.

Yeah, right? That's just like, I don't, that was ahead of its time. That was very ahead of it. That had to be something else. I feel like our sex in the city is when they do, you know, like behind the lines or whatever or some sports team or something like that. They go into the lots of real housewives. Yeah, and you see the coaches giving speeches and shit like I feel like that's

we gotta let you go and then yes sir thank you sir. Like that's the draw. No that was tough. I love that kid. You know we gave on it so hard. Anyway, keep your head up. Let's go to the buffet. Yeah. It's just so weird. No, all right, I would say like fast and loud, like car shows where they're making cars. I find those, like I like watching people that are not like build shit.

Yeah. I'm into that type of shit. I guess that that would be like our sex in the city. The ass is just something else. I'm just so relieved of shit. I guess that that would be like our sex in the city. I'm just something. I'm just so relieved that I love gardening. I don't want to turn sound all man. That's another red flag of what of a serial car. Yeah. No gardening. I thought that it was I think that would indicate that I'm 90. But like order would also indicate that you know, you're digging a hole in your backyard no one's going He's just gardening. This area is very firm. Is your wife still on that trip? She's been gone for a while now

But no I can care for mother. I love gardening. I think you should try gardening But like that is I don't know how I got on this topic, but I love like, we went to prison rape, prison rape, to locker rooms to gardening. To gardening. It's pretty logical, but it is, you should check it out. It's very isolating, you do it by, for yourself, there's surprises at the end, kind of like, Ooh, look, a rattlesnake.

No, it's like, you grow, you plant a one potato, and then like three months later you come back, it's like you grow you plant of one potato and then like three months later you come back and there's like 20 potatoes or there's none. That has to be exciting though. It is. 20 potatoes has to be fucking amazing. It is exciting. And then you want everyone in your family to say this is the best guy to do it. No, no, my I torture my kids. I'm like I did it. I'll be like, you know, I probably get the best garden anywhere and they're like, yeah, right, yeah, dad, you know, the cell that I grew this lettuce.

And there it's, I'm, you know, it's, but like if I'm gonna be, oh, here's what I said it, is that I'm glad I'm into gardening because when I doom scroll on my Instagram, I'm just looking at gardening videos. So that's like, oh, here's a, a hack on how to grow celery. It's like, oh, here's a hack on how to grow celery. It's like, I'm not like you.

I'm not looking at porn. I'm a good man. I don't know. I killed he is charged. Right? Now, what I look at now is the amount of time that I've spent on the phone. I don't, I try to stay the fuck away from that thing.

I delete apps. Do you delete apps? No, because I always think this has to be a reason I downloaded that thing. I just don't remember what it is. So I just leave it alone. I've actually started reading again. Oh yeah.

Yeah, which is hilarious. That is fun, right? It's not like deep reading. What are you reading? Right now I'm finishing this book called Billionaire Boogieman that a friend of mine, a comedian Todd Parker, wrote. And I'm actually reading it going like,

this could actually be a really good fucking movie. Really? And what's the promise of it? Just like illuminati level rich people that know all the secrets of the world and their kidnapping prostitutes and they may or may not own a big foot that eats the prostitutes

while the rich people watch. Oh, that is. I didn't write it. It's a good summertime. You know what I love about it is that, comedians, do you have to have a certain suspicion? You have to have curiosity, a suspicion,

and then there is, paranoid, and then all the way over is, there is the conspiracy theorist. Like, you definitely, like I'm more curiosity, you're kind of like, you're not full conspiracy, but you're definitely, you're like, you would never do 23 and may, would you're highly you're pretty suspicious You how how many conspiracy like do you believe they landed on the moon?

I don't know what happened do you believe that every because this is a common thing Do you believe that every rich person has gained that success? No by taking advantage of poor people. Because that's a big thing. Yeah, that's why the lack of empathy for people in that submersible, but by the way, do you think what are your views of billionaires? Like, do you think that... I just think it depends on how you got it. If you did it in an underhanded way, even if you're a millionaire, I don't risk it to,

but if you're a billionaire, if you're like, fucking Tyler Perry, he's a billionaire. I'm gonna mad at him because he fucking figured out. Medea. Is it Medea? Medea. Medea. And how to like get himself on the other side of the desk

to eliminate people putting hands in his pockets. Like as an artist looking at that guy, I look at him like, wow, how did you do that? So I don't look at people like, I mean, if you, yeah, I don't, I don't, yeah, but the thing about there's a stereotype, there's a stereotype of conspiracy theorists, they always go to the moon thing. Do you think it's made out of cheese? Do you think there was a sound stage?

No, I don't think. Well, there is something, you know, like I kind of, I did think the NBA was fixed and I was right. Oh, you did, and I was right. You think there's a script and all that, like that NFL script thing? Like, yeah, that was a big thing on Twitter, like. Well, I do think that the fact that they all

call themselves entertainment leagues because then if somebody actually does fix a game that they can't, for some reason the government gets involved. I don't know why. You can turn our fucking food supply into poison. That's fine. They don't get involved. But if you take steroids and hit too many home runs, all the sudden, you know, or a fucking Lance Armstrong, the department of justice gets involved in a fucking, about a bike race in France. I think it's just all a bunch of, oh, look at this over here,

ooh, who is this guy? And then meanwhile, you can do all of this fucking horrific shit as a corporation. And as long as you're help funding their campaigns, they do look the other way. I don't think that that's a conspiracy. And I also don't think it's wild that all of these sports leagues are now in bed

with gambling companies. I think that's a problem. I think that's a big problem. That was like the number one rule. That's Pete Rose. That's like Pete Rose was like ahead of his time. And he was, you know, they're like no now Pete Rose is gone forever and now

There's a couple players that have been betting that are like well a couple games and Pete Rose I just knew that guy in the Falcon stated no there was there was there's someone on the cults that that is gonna miss some games But yeah, it is we like I can't punish him too bad because then they're telling fans that this is a bad thing to do They I mean they basically made a deal with the devil and I'm saying this as I advertise sports gambling on this podcast Yeah, no, it's and you know, it's like, I like Kevin Hart, but like he's, you know, like the, there is something about those draft king things that I don't, I don't have any problem with it. But do you blame Kevin Hart for sports gambling?

First of all, I blame him for the, the mobile wireless monopoly that exists and, and for 5G giving people cancer. No, I don't blame him for anything. He's just like, he wants to be a billionaire. Like of all our friends and comedian peers, like Kevin wants to be a billionaire. I don't know how I got on that topic. But let me explain this. Here's where I'm worried about sports getting in bed with gambling. Some of it is they need advertisers, right? And they also they they like the taste of money. Like I don't know how much cadal makes a year, but 30 million and but how much does the league make? You know, I mean? It's like what what should his cut be versus Ted

Sarando's or that guy who you know Zazlov made 400 million? I don't know. It's like but the thing that worries me about the sports betting who the fuck is Zazlov? He's the guy who is the first chairman of Warner, a Warner discovery. He's the one that, but like, you know those guys, any bad move they make, they blame on their shareholders, but then from reason shareholders unopset when they give themselves a hundred, two or a million dollar bonus at the end of the year.

I mean, that's also like, good, good, that's legalized stealing. He's being paid 30 million. I have to think the owners are like, how much do we make? Oh, we made 800 million. I don't care, give him 30. You know what I mean?

I don't know how this shit works, but I do know that it's a business. Yeah. It's a business and I feel like the way the NBA, I'm not gonna get, I've talked about this too many times. It's just, and what just pissed me off was when they actually showed that a ref was, was fixing games, they were able to say, I was one guy, they were just one. Really?

Lee Harvey, officiator. Wow. No, but like, if you actually watch, there's a documentary on the Donahee guy, like I actually think that while he was fixing games, and I think he was doing it with other referees, I mean, he can't just as one official start shaving points and the other guys on your coaching, officiating team aren't aware of what you're doing.

So at the very least, I think you should investigate those guys, I also think while simultaneously he was fixing games, literally, I feel like Stern and those guys were massaging certain organizations with the most stars slash the best ratings. I mean, they look at their fucking ratings. Well, bigger markets, bigger markets are going to give more viewers. Yeah. So then they get the calls. And so I don't think they literally said this team is going to play this team. So this team wins. I think they just, they made sure that the highest rating getters had the best opportunity,

the most grease slide to get there. And, you know, I mean, that, I just what I just think, and what's funny is all Laker fans have is, what about the time when fucking what's his face wanted to come here and they blocked the trade? It's like, all right, one out of 700,000 fucking free agents that went your way. They didn't let you get it was Chris Paul They wouldn't let him come there and they got all fucking up and I don't know why that I still don't know why they blocked that Because they allowed all of these other ones so for the while it wasn't like comp I'm doing it again

I'm no my not about the gambling thing is my, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I game? I'm like, no. I mean, granted, it's the only addiction I don't have. But like, I'm like, oh, you're one of those guys? That I, what, what, that I don't? Can you not drink and shit? No, I drink, but like, I have a tendency to like, addictive behavior. That's what I have. I'm not a full on, but I'm three quarters there.

Well, you know, like my whole thing with, you're like, food's been a thing for you. Food is a big thing. Every. So you look great right now. Like you drop like 30 pounds of sum. No, in some of it, I'm wearing a coat. But, you know what?

It is a red flag when a guy's wearing a coat in your life. It's so high. But the, but the, no, like here's my whole thing and I was trying to explain this to my kids. I'm like, and by the way, I did this play and he won't care. Jason Patrick is this friend of mine who's like, who enjoys drinking, he goes,

he goes, you don't want to be in a position where you can't drink. Some people just are like, I'm done. I think you were like, I'm done. But like some people are like, they have to stop. And so he's kind of like, he's somebody who's like, loves to have a beer. Like when we did that Broadway play,

we would go out every night and he'd be like, the thing is, is you have to temper it because you don't want to get to the point where you can ever have it again. And so that's because, you know, if you have an addictive thing, so it's like, you got to. No, you're, I mean, you do have a shot. No, no, no, no, no, that's, that's, that's, I think that's the difference between someone who has a problem doesn't. And I think, look, I think that I could,

you know, if I didn't have it at home, but I just know that it just kept, always just kept getting to that point of me being like, I gotta cut back, I need to stop for a while. And I got sick of doing that. Yeah. I'm drinking, I'm not drinking, I'm drinking, I'm not drinking. And then when I just quit the last time, I was just like, I just don't wanna go through

that first fucking two weeks of not drinking before I just don't give a fuck anymore, just trying to get through that. Like I'm doing that with like cigars for the umpteenth time. Yeah. Where all I need to do is just get 10 days in and then I never need to have another one. Right. So I'm six days in now, and now it's just starting,

it's like a relationship. They just stay fade away, and you move on to somebody else, and I feel like- And you eventually don't even miss it. Like when I've been eating really healthy, I mean, this is 20 years ago, but like I didn't eat Doritos, and you wouldn't even wanna eat a Dorito

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This is their best offer yet and it won't last long with helix. Better sleep starts now. The redo is one of the bigger lies of the last century. Doritos. Doritos, the dishwasher, the Doritos and this one, I've never seen that. The D H with the three biggest lies of the 20th century. Dishwasher does not wash dishes. Get some wet and it heats them up. If you don't fucking pre-wash the hard shit, you're gonna have a film.

I learned that during the pandemic. That just do the fucking work. Just fill up the sink. No, well you know what? You're not using the right dishwasher because like I didn't realize that, you know, like I was doing, I was cleaning up afterwards. It's not throwing the machine up afterwards.

It's not throwing up afterwards. No, it's cleaning them. It's cleaning them. You've got a after work. No, it's cleaning. You've got a bad dishwasher. No, you're an animal. Yeah, no, I'm not saying you believe, like, half spaghetti on a plate, but you do a quick rinse. You don't wash it completely.

Yeah, if you do most of the job, it can finish the rest of it. It is the comedian point of view. Well, that's what it is. Yeah. It's not the comedian point of view. It's the consumer point of view. Well, that's what it is. Yeah. It's not the comedian point of view. It's the consumer point of view. It's fucking bullshit. And it's for fucking lazy people that want to act,

that you don't want to do the fucking job. And then what I hate is it's not filled up. You can't run it. And then all of these, you're favorite mug to drink, coffee. It's like held hostage for like three fucking days in there until the whole thing is filled up. Or they just run it half full.

You're wasting fucking water water just wash them just do the fucking job do it once and do it right don't have acid then stick it in there for three days and then it kind of does it and then I get I get a little bit just fucking go like that and I can put my fucking fruit loops in here it's just like just fucking just just do the job just do the fucking fucking job. Do your job. Bill Belichick right there you go. Do you fucking job. How do you think the Patriots are gonna be this year? You know we had a great run 20 fucking years. I think you know I'm actually yeah it's unbelievable okay and and Bill Belichick is the greatest head coach since Paul Brown literally changed the

fucking game okay. That is what it is. They can say whatever they want and all of that bullshit and it fucking happened and it was fun to watch. And I'm I'm actually looking forward to seeing what Aaron Rogers on the jets is going to do to the bills. did the bills miss their fucking window? Because this is not Brett Farve going to the jets. Aaron Rogers has at least at least three all pro seasons in him. I think if he has to write people around him, they got a great defense. He's going to come in there. And I think it is foregone conclusion that it's the bill's time. And does Josh Allen and all these guys have enough to get to the Super Bowl and finally bring Buffalo

that elusive Super Bowl championship? My role is like, it's like Buffalo went four times in a row and lost every time. Yeah, I don't know. It was that was such a horrible thing to watch because most people lose in life and you just needed to see that if you keep knocking on the door you win and then that's a part of the poor guy. He was just too nice.

No, but I remember watching. It was just brutal. Perroute. Well, also the Vikings when we were kids went, we got very close. Well, they were also victim of steroids. I mean, the other, I mean, like the Steelers were coming in just fucking. Yeah. And I think that was, yeah, you know what else they were as a victim. I was talking about this the other day. The Patriots should have played him in Super Bowl 11, but we got a fucking shit call against the Raiders. And I just think the Patriots were a way better matchup for the Vikings than the Raiders. The Raiders were fucking lunatics. I mean, the, mean, the game started and it was either Sammy White or Amad Rashad. I forget who came across the middle. And one of those guys, Dr. Death or fucking Jack Tatum, just fucking just laid the guy out. Like, I was just,

and it was, that was the end. I mean, I'm so romanticizing at one play, but they just made that statement and it was just like, you know, I'm not, not saying, I shouldn't say it this way because it sounds like I'm taking away the greatest championships because I fucking love those teams and I love all those guys and the seasons. But yeah, we got fucking hosed on that call, essentially when the game was over and then, but then they also delivered, you know, after they got the penalty and I just think that the Vikings, I think they would have beat us. It is, I mean, the Vikings, I feel like,

even when Farve was there, they were like, they're gonna go this year, and it just, I mean, they also, they were, when they were, they were 15 and one were Randall Cunningham, and they, and Randy Moss, right? Oh, and they were one of the most, my favorite thing, a Randy Moss, is the second, he would be like a yard and a half

into his pattern. He would just go like he already knew we had the guy. He just go like this and it didn't even look like he was running. Randy Moss like, you know, there's an argument where they were you know, Jerry, I think Jerry Rice was the ultimate combination of talent, discipline, running the pattern, but blah, blah, blah, but it's just as far as like, you know,

you wanna talk about a guy, just freestyle and like, beyond the game, Lawrence Taylor level, changing the position is without a doubt, Randy Moss. Like Randy Moss, if somebody would sit across me and say, I think Randy's better than Jerry Rice, I mean, I wouldn't argue. I was like, I mean, that's it's different. It's different, right?

You know, so it's, but it's also like this. But they were close enough. He kind of ended and then he came in. It wasn't like he played 30 years after him. But like, and just what the fuck? They lost to the Falcons. Who loses to the Falcons? The NFL, the drama.

Like that's where I'm so excited. It's like, so like, you know, like there are these storylines of Aaron Rogers and the Jets and their defense. And, and, you know, like even when the Rams were kind of, it was a stack deck at the beginning of that season when they won the Super Bowl, there was kind of like, but sometimes the chemistry doesn't work. Yeah, I mean, it's like there were so many years There was kind of like, but sometimes the chemistry doesn't work. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? It's like there were so many years where like the chiefs were shot in Heimer. Like there were 15 and one and they couldn't make it through the playoffs. So there is so much drama and then there's the, because like even the bellicac thing and the bellicac and the Brady thing thing like who was more important to the the Empire and Just it's it's every year They never asked that question that is like so the question of sports writers who They have no imagination. They don't want to keep writing the same story that they're winning

So then they try to like they try to rip it down They build it up and then they rip it down and then they go, where are we fair to the patriots? That's their final thing. Like they do that with fucking everything. They build it up, they rip it down and then they, because that's our soap opera. That's what that's what football fans love.

They love that. But the NFL, what I love and I love the season of the NBA with the nuggets coming out of nowhere, right? Yeah. Yeah. Is like, you got, I feel like if sports fans are going to invest this amount of money and this amount of emotion in that their, their team should have a shot. Like when Kobe gets drafted to the fucking horn, it's the league should have been like, no, you're fucking playing there. And then they should have enjoyed his talents rather than be, I'm not fucking playing there. I'm going to go to the

fucking team that always wins. Like that's a terrible message. Well, that's the end of the people. It's a charm that is just like. Manning did with San Diego, right? He was drafted by the chargers. L.A. did it with the coach. Yeah. I think that that is a, but I will say this, I kind of understand it in football, especially as a quarterback. Because one of the worst things, you know, to be is a highly touted quarterback in an NFL draft, because you're going to go to the worst team with no offensive line. And if you don't have a head coach and a GM and an owner in place that is going to, you know, like, look at what happened to Aikman.

He got the shit kicked out of him the first copy of him. Jimmy Johnson came in, and then had like all those 300 pounders in front of him, and he was able to perform at the level that he could perform it, but the level of the beating that that guy took in the beginning is just like, you know, I think some of that had to do with probably Archie, his dad, who played for the fucking saints,

was just like, I can't watch my own. No, you're not going there. Go to the charges during this time where the charges are. The mental grit that like these, I mean, all those players, but like that quarterbacks, because we don't know. I mean, maybe, maybe some people know more than others, but we don't know what Joe Burrow, we can see the accomplishment he's made in Cincinnati, but we don't know how much,

even when Brady went down to Tampa where he was like, this is here, this is here, there is some kind of, when we get into a theater to do a show, we're like, they're like, yeah, the lights don't go down. You're like, no, turn them off. Turn them off, all of them off. And now I'm comparing myself to Brady. But like, I was totally on board.

But like, the whole thing is this, but we don't really know that like that mental grit and some of it is impossible because there are these great quarter. Remember there was a quarterback that went to University of Texas and he was playing for the Titans and he was pretty good and then he just exploded. Oh, Vince Young. Yeah. And it's like that mental grit or toughness that that's where I'm impressed by burrow. And that's actually I think the fence young thing was he it was almost like George for him and George for him and said when Ali knocked him down, he said, I could have

got up. I just never been down before and I didn't know how to do it. And I think that there was with Vince Young, I think what it was was they pulled him out of a game and that had never happened. Oh, wow. And he didn't know how to deal with it or whatever, but I mean, that fucking guy though, but I mean, despite to the ending of that guy's career, like that guy was a fucking great quarterback

and a winner and that, you know, that Rose Bowl performance and everything, I think, you know, if people just judge him by that, like that's one of those things where I feel like when the internet, the haters, the haters come in and they love to see somebody that was, you know. Oh my gosh, you know, we've all clicked on that like 32 draft bus and you just click through and it's just like so you can see ads, but you're like, oh yeah, I remember that guy., but you know what I always I always see myself in there like when I watch Ryan Leaf have the meltdown

I just like I've done that a CVS Yeah, no, like can't you just tell me what fucking aisle it's it Well, by the way, I also feel Incredible empathy because there's also something about these guys Touching the sun, so like and hear me out here. So like there also something about these guys touching the sun. So like, and hear me out here. So like, there is something about like the success we've had. And you know, it's, but like, I've never,

maybe you've been on the cover of Rolling Stone. I've never been on the cover of Rolling Stone. Like, I used to always think that I wanted that, but like, there's part of the, and I'm talking about this level of success where they touched the sun. You're doing sexy layout. You know, they would never, I don't know, don't see yours. Like this is the fucking legs crossed behind you.

Rolling stone senior maybe, but no, but like, like the letterman, John Stewart, Chappelle, Kobe, like I think that level of where you touch the sun, I think that's really hard to go to keep some sense of normal. So like Johnny Manzell, it's like he obviously had problems, but he touched the sun. Andal, it's like, he obviously had problems, but he touched the sun. And so then it's like, you might as well be Mariah Carey. When you throw, like when we throw a fit in the CVS,

people are like, oh, that guy's a comedian, he's spazin' out. Or you know, like, you don't want a bit, you know what I mean? But like when Mariah Carey loses her shit, she's so fucking famous that people are like, either they ascribe it, if she's a diva or she's having a meltdown. But am I making sense about the people that, like if you get so famous,

I think you get addicted to that level of fame. That's where I think that people, like we, you know, standard comedians have, you know, we have created fulfillment on our terms. It's, you know, people have to show up. But like, even if like half as many people went to our shows next year as went this year, we'd still get that fulfillment.

But if people, what I'm saying is if you were, is, am I making sense? I think you've been out in that garden a little too long with the fucking side. I don't know where you're going. We were talking football, you're like, you know, is, am I making sense? I think you've been out in that garden a little too long with the fuck inside. I don't know where you're going. We were talking football, you're like, you know, fucking Mariah Carey. No, I'm talking about quarterbacks.

Like quarterbacks, like. Oh, it's back to the quarterbacks. The quarterbacks that like, you know, Jay Cutler, like, like, people shit on him. It's like, he took a team to the Super Bowl. He was, you know, but what are they gonna do? Look at their own lives that critically.

That's what they exist to, for people to do that. You know what I live my life? Johnny Manzell won one of that. I just think every single day I am doing something with my kids. That is my day. And I don't even think about any of this other shit. I don't think about all of that stuff that you just thought about touching the sun

and how do you handle this and Mariah Carey, you know, and all that. I don't think about any of it. No, no, well, I mean, I think there's a maturity where you are not. And well, we also know people that like we're so super ambitious. You could actually feel them climbing up your back using you. I'm not saying that we were, do you mean?

No, I have no idea what that is. You're joking. I'm joking. Okay. You know what I do love? I will say this is this is this is some locker room shit here and I'm not going to name it in any answer. But you know what what fucking is fucking hilarious to me?

And one of my favorite things about being in this business is knowing who's actually fucking crazy and who isn't and what's funny is they don't know. So when somebody is going on and on and on and on what's funny is like when somebody's fucking crazy and you know they're crazy, if you're in the public eye you don't jump into that. You don't like tweet out,

hey just for the record everybody, this person is out of their fucking minds. You don't do that. But then what happens is because nobody does it, people are listening to it like it's sanity, like it's sane, and you're just watching this fucking snowball going down the hill, and like that to me is like, you know, aside of the fun of getting to do this job,

is sitting there. The big reveal at the end, we're like, they were crazy and we're like, we are, we always knew that. Yeah, yeah. And it's just like, yeah, they were crazy and we're like, we are, we always knew that. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, yeah, that person is just out of their fight.

But my thing is like when they're watching it, I don't know how they don't notice. You know what I mean? Like when they just, you know, like, I don't want to give away anything. But you know what I mean? You just sit there going like, I mean, that is my pull up a fucking TV tray and let's,

and you just get to watch this, the spiket is just turned on and they had just fucking, whatever it was. There is, I mean, Seinfeld also talks about this. It's like, you know, like the big thing of today, he's like, we'll see you in five years, you know what I mean? Like he's, you know, in five years what? Because there is this great sifting.

Never heard of that. He always says that. The comedy ecosystem. Yeah. Cause I'm not just talking about comedies. I'm just talking about whatever. Anyone from a talking head on news, not a news program to a fucking whatever,

somebody that acts or whatever, like there's just people that you just know, like, oh, that person, oh, they're out of their fucking mind and they threw an assistant out of a moving car and the blah blah and then they're like, it's gonna be a mess. You know what we need to do in societies?

Yeah. It's even you just going like, this is the best show on TV that people don't even know is a show. Right. That is one of my, one of my, not saying that I am not, you know, I actually talked about global warming on my last podcast. One of my, not saying that I am not, you know,

I actually talked about global warming on my last podcast. While I was talking about my flakening canceled again and just saying, fucking, I'm gonna blow up my gig money on a private jet, which I didn't do, but I would have if it was available. Like I was having a fucking temperate anthem, so I'm literally going like,

they're not even paying attention to global warming that I'm just like, burn up the sky with fucking let it Gas just for me. You know, you know, it's I think In in my a new special plug plug is yes on Amazon on Amazon darkpale I had a material about global warming and I thought it was so and you know like when you tour around with material and You can feel the audience kind of not all, there's sometimes there's accepting of a premise and then sometimes there's people in the audience that are like, well, I don't agree with that fact,

but I like you all go along with you. Do you know what I mean? And you know, having, I have material on global warming a little bit. And there is part of me that's like, I don't know. I have no idea. I'm just, but you have to perform from that place. But the interesting thing is,

like when you get a sense from people in the audience where sometimes, like I'll do do material about religion and the audience, I'll get a sense from some people in the audience like, yeah, there's no God. And then there's some people in the audience like, okay, yeah, there is a God. You know, the interesting thing is that like with global warming, there's a lot of people that are like in my audience or at my shows that I get a sense where they're saying, all right, I don't believe in global warming, but I'll hear you out on these jokes,

which I think is interesting. Yeah, I mean, I don't, yeah, I mean, it's just, it's just nothing you can do. So that is the fun of doing the road. Like I, I get a bit that I've been doing lately, talking about the clan, and you can kind of tell how racist the area is.

It's, you know, some places you go to are just like, wow. And then you bring, you bring, but sometimes it's just like listening or whatever, but I think as long as you do what you said, where you just like, look, I don't fucking know. This is what I think, but I don't ever want to be like, well, I also like that, you know, ramming the,

the, these are facts. Yeah, these are facts because I'm the one with my phone therefore I know fucking everything or whatever. Right. Yeah, no, I think that there is also, and I also want a diversity of opinion. I mean, that's, you know, with the country getting divided. I mean, at Fourth of July, I had at my house, Ted Alexander,

who was an Occupy Wall Street guy, and Tom Shalow, who literally works for Fox News, and they were there with their wives and their kids, and it was fun. And I miss that, I mean, some of it is comedians, we are such an eclectic group of misfits, but you like having that diversity of opinion, right? Well, it was boring. That's why I never understood like comedians. I remember for a while there was that badge of honor

that you were walking the crowd. Believe me, when I it on stage and like, I mean, quarters of the crowd left. And it's like, well, now the fun's over. Yeah. The only people left are the ones that agree with you. It's just like the fun is they don't agree with you, but you say just enough that it pisses them off,

but not enough that makes them leave. So they actually hear you out. And you can entertain them with it. You can also annoy the shit out of them, and then it becomes like this fun thing, but once they get up and take their ball and go home, well that's awesome. Which I have to tell you though,

is like the most childish fucking thing ever would be, like, you know, I can see if you leave, cause it sucks. I always, yeah. This movie sucks, let's get out of here. Are this person's fucking boring? But if it's just literally like you were laughing and everything was going good and then all of a sudden,

you know, whatever I trash women, like I always do or whatever and I got a my feminist, I got a fucking sense of you walk out. It's like you're a baby. Yeah. Now it is, she give you a rattle when you walk out the door. No, it's on the venue. Well, I think some of that is people want to,

they want to feel empowered. And I guess they're leaving, they feel empowered, right? I actually, when I see people do that, I actually think like, wow, you are more sick in the head than I am. I'm so sick that I needed to get on a stage and have people say, yeah, we like you, you're cool, but you're fucking like my ego never went to the point that I thought that if I got up and walked out, the rest of the room was going to follow me or they were going to

care. Like, what were we like that whole like I have, you have, like that white glove, like you slapped them across the face and you've, you know, somehow insulted their family crest with your shit joke. By the way, I do, I mean, I do these very vanilla CBS Sunday commentaries and they're fun, you know, like I'll write them in a half an hour, I'll have an idea, I'll go in and I'll record a couple.

And they're really kind of, I do more of an orange shirt. No, but like they're really kind of like, I don't like summer, I don't, you know, like it's just a mini rant, right? And they're all done and just, and they're done for like 9.30 in the morning. You know what I mean?

So it's like after like they've interviewed Richard Marx, then I go on and I talk about like, I complain about... Like an Andy Rooney type. Yeah, right. There are people always every Sunday on Twitter. Furious. Furious. So I'll have a thing, like one of my preferences was like,

I respect people that don't have kids, but like Father's Day, it was the Father's Day. I was just gonna say that. Was that topic against people going? And because I did the whole thing of like, on Father's Day, it was like men that don't have children, which is many comedians, right? Many of our friends.

And I said, you know, but what about them on Father's Day? What do we call them besides lucky, you know, relaxed. And then I said, you know, I think, and some men choose to not be involved in a child. So I did it purposely to not alienate people. Some people struggle with getting pregnant, something like that.

But some men, you can choose to be involved in a child's life. So I say, some men choose to not be involved in a child's life. And I respect that. But, you know, like Bill Maher, I don't think they should be considered adults. I think, you know, like, that was, that was the observation.

And it's obviously done in jest, right? Because I am jealous. And I'm sure there's moments as much as we love our kids, it's like, shit, I wish that, you know, because you can't watch Sunday football like you used to. Probably you want to have some interaction with your children, right? Or maybe you still do. Yeah, no, I love my kids. But like they're six and three. So it's like, I don't want to miss like a moment. I don't, I don't have that. And it's also like, yeah. But I also like, um, what fascinates me is people that have children that can't accept people that don't have children and are happy about it.

And it's just like, do you realize what they did for society? The amount of people that don't want kids and get pressured into it and now they're they're raising this kid that they don't want Yeah, the kids gonna sense that and then when they grow up they can have all these fucking issues and everybody's gonna have to deal with it Like if you don't want kids you don't have that's fucking great Yeah, there's too many people anyway, and if you don't if you don't want kids, you don't have it, it's fucking great. Yeah. There's too many people anyway, and if you don't, if you don't want to have kids, don't have kids, I think it's great, but I don't understand why people get all up and somebody else's decision,

like, they can do whatever the fuck they want to do. Yeah, but I think that people that, I don't think that people with kids, I mean, granted, there might be a mild pressure of like, oh, we're so happy, and it's kind of like a cult-like thing. But like, I don't think- I don't think- You know, there's some fucking arrogant-ass parents

that just feel like, I mean, they're bored of like calling themselves astronauts because you have no idea. You people that don't have kids, you have peckin', like they weren't fucking, you know, fighting and I rack. I mean, get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. All right. All right, all right.

But I also- Give it a boba. I think- I think they're jealous. I think that people with kids are jealous. I wish I was Jim Gathigan. I don't think no. I think no. I'm saying people we were. I think people with I think people with kids are jealous of the people that don't have kids. I think the ones that don't want a kid. Yeah. I am I am not I don't have an I don't have a dog in the fight.

I think you should do what the fuck you want to do and everybody should leave alone. If somebody teases you about what you did, it didn't you should laugh it off. That's why you should run for president. Well, I can run for president easy. You can. Easy.

What would you run, is it? I would say anybody votes to me, gets a free t-shirt. And that would be a free t-shirt. That would be a free t-shirt. That would be amazing. Reavable. Right. A nice tee, right?

A nice shapely one, not a boxy one. No, one that you could sleep in. Would it be one of those where men, it would kind of make it look like you have pets. You don't have tits, but like you have packs. And I would just say, we're gonna get down to business is gonna, would be my thing. No more of this other stuff. We're getting get down to business. It's gonna be my thing. No more this other stuff.

We're getting down to brass tax. Have you been called a been notified by Trump to interview Trump? Would you interview Trump? No, I wouldn't interview a Democrat either. I don't wanna know those people. My job is to make fun of them. Yeah.

That's interesting. Yeah, I was the same thing with an award show. What the fuck would you have a hosting award show? Your job as a comic is to make fun of an award show. It's just, why would you go there? I know. I mean, I shouldn't say that. I mean, that's something you wanna do

because that is a big, I mean, some people are good at it. Some people are good at it. We bought it back. We bought it back. Yeah, we bought it back. No, but like, the whole thing is just like, I gotta write this up.

No, no, you go, you go. I have. Yeah. No, but like the whole thing is like, I got a right now. No, you go. You go. I have to wrap this up. But you know, out of all the guests, I've ever had the work coat in July, you will buy far. I look the thinnest. You do.

You do. You do. You are effortless to talk about. Talk with, I should say, to talk about it. Yeah, we're going to shit on you the second. No, to talk to you, man, you just effortlessly funny. And I've just been a fan of you stand up since I first met you, and I'm just gonna keep complimenting you

because I know how uncomfortable this is for you. Right, I'm just talking about someone else. Just a farm boy that went from bailing hay to standing up there, talking about the corn and the food he made with it. I love my garden. Yeah, I do, I love my garden. Jim Gaffigan, everybody, it's called Darkden. Yeah. I do. I love my garden. Jim Gaffigan, everybody.

It's called Dark Pale. Yep. Dark Pale on Amazon. One of the best out there to do it. Check it out on Amazon. Thank you guys so much for watching. Have a wonderful weekend, your cons. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday. I don't know what fucking day it was. It July 20th. Is that what it's going to be? Is that what it's going to be? Pow. Yeah, that's what it's going to be. It's Sunday night. July 19th, when I'm doing this, I am in Ottawa. I'm in my hotel room. I am stone sober. They have Cuban cigars here. I have not smoked one. And I am sitting in bed right now with a plate full of raw vegetables that was supposed to come with hummus, but came with ranch dressing instead.

So I'm trying to avoid that So I can hum somehow make my goal of being down to a buck 80 this week, which I think I am I Think I am, but I don't have access to a fucking scale here That's what it is That's where I'm at. This is what booze in and eat and pizza and beer and all this other fucking horseshit This is where it gets you. At some point, you gotta pay the pipe or sit here with a bunch of vegetables. You can just fucking crap. I want a punch or rabbit right now. I don't even know what's that default.

Is that a default that I ate the way I if I ate it like a fucking rabbit then you know I don't fucking know I don't know I'm so excited like a minute ago now. I'm just fucking you know I'm just what's a point of living If you're not killing yourself slowly, what is the point of living? What is the point of living? Think about it all the shit that you know what that's gonna kill you someday that's the best fucking time right smoke and drink and eating fucking some horror sorry I need to watch my mouth here because I'm in a nice hotel I just want to disturb the people around us It's anyways This is just one of these deals this sucks right now, but in the morning. I'm gonna be psyched Yeah, oh, I wanted a burger. Oh, oh Billy fucking pasty flabby tits wanted a burger

No burger for you There will be no burger for you. I'm not gonna eat or drink the entire podcast, but I just had some celery, right? Which celery I think that's chemical makeup is like air in water as far as I know with some green dye number five. But I got one of those celery hairs in the back of my throat right now. Ah, you fucking veggie cons. How do you guys do it? You know, like a true vegetarian.

Well, they don't sit around eating this shit. They actually have better meals. You know, I love when you meet like a fat vegetarian. It's just like you're fucking yourself over on two levels right now. You know what I mean? It's like you're not eating meat and that sucks. And then you're not even good food you just sit there eating like juredos it's actually good don't tell him you know too many fucking people let them die that's what i say is that what you say all that's what i say in my podcast that's what i say let the fat vegetarians who don't know how to eat right let them die

i implore the next leader of our great nation of the United States of America, of the Americas of America. Please, just let him die. Okay, I don't mean people with diseases. Let's try to help that shit. But if you're just shoving, well, wait a minute, maybe that's how you got the disease because you kept shoving shit down your fucking throat. Let him die. That's what I've always run in for president. That would be my campaign message. And I would, I would contact Hoody in the blowfish. And I would get those, ask him if I could have the rights to letter cry. And I would just, I would just have it let him die instead. And I, I contact the black dude whose name is not hoody

Was it frank giford? I don't know his fucking name is what I think frank giford dustin something or other What is this fucking name I have it? Derrius rocker right I am go And if they're eating fucking shit, let him die. Oh, let him die. He did a lot of fucking wine in there. Oh, what a fucking genius that guy was.

He saw the writing on the wall, and he was just like, you know what, we made up money, I'm fucking out. And I'm African American, and I am going, I am steering my creative ship into the overt heart of white racism And I'm gonna put out a country album. God damn it. I'm gonna be successful. He did it the fucking guy did it

They did the white version of that as if you played at ukulele and one of those fucking you know those Those bands were chicks with dirty feats that they're in watch them, after they take off their boots and you fucking, you just put out like a rap album and crushed it, you know, and all you did was say, like, he just put on like a trucker cap, like that was this big thing. So you'd still dress the way you dress and you just put on like a do rag or something, you know, and you went from singing about the Appalachian Trail to rap it about, I don't know what, what would you rap about? How dope your ukulele is?

What? What? What? What? You get your face air brushed on the back of it, you know, and just come out, you know, I want to see somebody do that. Go down one of those eight mile open mics, and I want you to come down with a custom ukulele,

a do-rag, white is health. You gotta be, I was gonna say at least this white is me, but I mean, at that point, then you're going into albinos. Boy, you gotta be super white, and I wanna see you go down, just see how long you can fucking lie. What's all they gonna do is bow.

Come on, man, you can take a good boo and right go down there and fucking have one of your buddies airbrush yourself and then I'm the shit pose and just come walking out with your do rag and your fucking ukulele and just have it flipped over so they can see your face and just have a dead serious look on your face like you are about to blow everybody's fucking minds and then wrap over the ukulele and just see how long you can go why not Why the fuck not oh I'm babbling I'm babbling an Ottawa Is that a Meg Ryan movie?

His Tom Hanks is he lonely is he gonna come up and bang her out there on the canal? They never show the banging and those Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan movies. That's why they never rang true for me. It's like I get it. You're fighting love and all that. But at some point, you two got a fuck, and I'm not seeing it. So I'm calling bullshit.

You know, more vegetables. Oh yeah, keep them coming. I call bullshit. I don't think that sleeps us and Seattle story ever happened. You know, why am I eating vegetables when I'm fucking pocket? Do you know a lot of the train conductors, they eat while they do the announcements,

that's why you can't hear them. He just shove a bunch of food in them off like this. No, there's nothing. There's nothing. There's nothing to be wrong. Well, is there anything worth some of fucking tomato? Maybe they're in season up here. I don't fucking know. That's easy. Fucking tomatoes, man. Unless you pull them out of your yard, what are you getting? All right. Nobody. I'm gonna take you to wake for the microphone. If you're still listening to this, I want you to call suicide hotline. Oh, fuck am I sober in awake? Jesus Christ You know first of all I had a rough one coming in here. I

Left L.A. X. Oh my god. I went down to L.A. X To get on air Canada We have a leaf on the tail that Canada, we have a leaf on the tail that represents what our nations about, throw in some syrup and some mild racism and a couple of terrorists trying to cross the border. We play hockey and that ice shuffleboard that I can remember the name of whose are president no one fucking cares keep head in north and you'll meet Santa Claus or get more by a fucking polar bear that fucked a grizzly bear right that's everything i know about canada

next year polar bears and grizzly bears that have fucked at this point like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan never did in sleepless in Seattle and they had a they had a goal of bear or Fucking Pizzy Pizzley bear. Yeah, you got to go go. We're go. They're a Pizzy. That's a bad one That kid's gonna get that little cubs to get the shit kicked out of him at school. All right. Hey, you're fucking different man, right? Anyways, what am I talking about? So I want to fly in, right? Or ride in pilot flies.

I just sit in the back, ride in and we got out into the tarmac. That's the word you never want to hear during your flight. The second they used the word tarmac, you're going to be delayed at least two hours. As you may have noticed, the pilot has pulled over onto the tarmac. We're going to be shutting the engines down here on the tarmac. I don't even know what the fucking tarmac is. I have

no idea what the fuck it is. All I know is that means you're gonna sit there for two hours. But there was all this crazy what this crazy fucking what? All this thunder and lightning and all that shit. So I'm like, absolutely, pull over to the side. I'd rather sit here. So I sat there and I don't even know what the fuck I did. But basically I was supposed to connect through Toronto to get here to Ottawa and I missed that connection and I was supposed to be in Ottawa by 8 o'clock and when I missed my connection so bad that where they hooked me up on the flight, the next flight I left at 10.35 out of Toronto. So it was brutal, but I didn't die, so it's fine. You know what I mean? And at the end of the day, as long

as it was, I still went from LA to Toronto to Ottawa in one day, which was impossible up until a couple of decades ago, right? The 70s you couldn't do that. They would pull over and stop, you know, fight off some indigenous people as they tried to refuel and some God forsaken place. Like non-stop flights from LA to Toronto. I don't think that's start until the early 90s. As far as my wiki pdf pages obviously I know that. What was the last time to you? What are they first being able to go from like New York to LA without stopping? I don't know, Bill, why don't you look it up? I guess I don't give a fuck.

I'm just talking, filling up fucking time. I'm filling up your little ride to work right now, huh? How's your car doing? Is it sputtering along? Is it running good? What is it doing? Why did you buy that car? So anyways, on the flight out there, I watched the maltease falcon whenever they have that on there

I love Humphrey Bogart and if you're a a big Frank Sinatra fan Frank was a huge fan of Humphrey Bogart and when you watch Humphrey Bogart you see a lot of elements of his swagger in Sinatra style and I have to tell you right now if you're trying to quit smoking and drinking do not Do not watch the maltees falcon do not watch that movie I'm pre-bogue out make smoking and drinking look like the greatest thing ever and before you like oh you know that guy died A fucking lung cancer. I know he smoked camels unfiltered, like a fucking chimney.

Do you know what else he did? He became one of the biggest stars Hollywood has ever known. And he fucking was he hooked up with the, was it Bogin Bacall? Lauren Bacall when she was like 19. She was like, that is a fucking stellar human being. He was in his 40s. And they were fucking inseparable they loved each other He never wanted to go out she was there's two couples that I fucking that I love bogey McCall and

Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward they somehow they fucking made it now obviously Bogart died So that really helps the marriage but fucking Newman and Woodward fucking made it But anyways this fucking guy is just rolling his own cigarettes which wasn't bad But at one point in the movie when he sits down with the fat man there he and he ends him a fucking torpedo cigar And if you look at the master the master shot, which is basically How do I describe it Jesus Christ? I've been in a couple movies. I should know this the master shot is like whatever the scene is That's the wide shot where you see the where they are

Everybody that's basically in the shot. That is the master shot. They usually shoot that first and then they go all right Coming around to your point of view his point of view We're gonna do is two shot we do a three-quarter do a fucking close up and all it's all up to the director But the master shot if you look at the other shots they're not smoking but in the master shot there actually smoking cigars While acting and making one of the great movies of all fucking time. It's one of the I just that's all I think of when I see that I want an acting gig where I just get on the master, I get to smoke a fucking great cigar. That's what they mean.

Uh, it's a fucking phenomenal movie. And I think one of the most underrated actors of all time, even always consider the legend. I think it's one of the best actors of all time is, uh, I hope he says name might Peter Lofford. I think it's awesome. And, and the guy plays the fat man and I should know all these people's names. He's fucking amazing. Just the sound of his voice, the way he plays it,

the way he's just such an even-quealed emotional person with everybody else is kind of a ratic. And it's a fucking awesome movie. But if you stop smoking and drinking, I mean, it's fucking brutal. That's back in the day. Can you imagine back in the day, like if you just walked in to get car insurance and the guy sitting at the car, hey, you wanna drink? Yeah, let's fuck, that's fucking doing. I just give you a shot. There's no drinking and driving.

There's no laws against it. There's no breathalyzer. There's nothing. There's no airbags. Fucking water's fine. The fucking food hasn't been genetically altered you just walk in places and hey you want something to speak once you want smoke and drink

was back then you weren't an addict you would just consider it an adult if you couldn't get your shit to get eyes a drunk he's a town drunk so fucking wine oh get your shit together right now everybody's a fucking addict and it isn't their fault. I don't know. I guess I understand that I certainly understand that with drugs and alcohol.

I've lost some friends to that shit. But I gotta say with the food stuff you know, I don't know about that one. It's just kind of like Just eat a salad my oversimplify it really is I guess that's saying in one alcoholic just don't drink But you really just got it like I'm trying to say this in an empowering way It's like tonight. I wanted a burger. I wanted the fucking ribs. I wanted all of that shit And I just you just got to get past that dumb thought and think like,

do I really want to have to, do I like going to the gym? No. Do I want to go on the elliptical for the rest of my life? No. Just throw a couple of celery sticks down your fucking pie hole and then that that craving will be like, right now I'm not even thinking about a steak. All I'm thinking right now is how awful vegetables taste. But you know what?

I'll be fine. What are the options? Call a flower. If I was a vegetable, I'd be call a flower. Isn't that sad? Like the ugliest vegetable there is. I had a green one the other day. You know something, if I wasn't so stoic,

I'd start fucking cryin' right now. Just the last couple of days of eating has been fuckin' brutal. However, that's not what I came here to talk about everybody. I came here to talk about how I was in Ottawa tonight and it's hilarious. My agent goes to me, he goes, Hey, before you do the Montreal Comedy Festival on Monday, this is gig. This blues festival in Ottawa, deep purple is going to be there. Yada, yada, all that type of shit.

So I go, yeah, man, fuck it. I'll do that when I was in Reno. There was a blues festival. All of a sudden, I don't know, about a week is like months ago, about a week out. I, the fucking word comes in that, uh, that it's actually, it's outside's outside and i'm gonna be going on in between bands i'm like what the so i call it my age and i was just like do not trying to be a diva here but uh... didn't we already pay these dues i thought i already i already did these i did

these gigs to not have to do them again right he's like no it's gonna be great it's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. Sagitt did it last year. He had a great fucking time. And I'm like, this thing is outside. Yes, it's outside. I go on in between bands. Yes, you go on in between bands. And I'm like, and it's good. And he's like, yes, it's good. Trust me, it's good. Now, I assume most of you guys will listen to this or not stand up comedies. But any stand up comic who's listening to this right now is like going, either laughing or going, no, don't take the gig. So I fucking show up.

And you know, weird Al, Yankevic had gone on like it like five in the afternoon when it was hot as shit. He's putting on all these fucking costumes and stuff So he's laughing about it and we're having the fun and I'm standing there looking out the crowd and Bachman Turner over drives playing on the other side It's one of those things where they got two stages going when they finish then I go up and in the next band So they're out there and I'm just looking at a bunch. There's no chairs It's the summer so it's

still fucking, you know, broad daylight and it's fucking muggy as shit. You know, and I guess Bachman's the only guy left and he's on the other side of the fucking parking lot. I can't even borrow from the long blocks border take the 8.50 to the city. And I'm just sitting there taking this all in going, I am going to eat my fucking ball. I'm just sitting there taking this all in go it I am gonna eat my fucking ball. I'm gonna bomb This is gonna be a fucking nightmare and now it's going out of that good. They're good, so Anyways, they ended up bringing me up this radio guy brings me up fucking amazing voice Well, that's what I want to fuck. I'm like, guys, sounds like amazing, right?

Brings me up and I come walking out there and the whole crowd cheered. And it was ended up being this fucking amazing show. And I was really kind of waiting for it to, uh, in the first eight minutes, I was waiting for it to go bad and it was fucking amazing. And then I was outside and I started thinking about Robin Williams. Uh, all those shows he did perform for the troops. Those were outside. And I don't know, in the middle of it, I got like about 10 minutes in. I got inspired to like really quit being a fucking baby about this thing. Um, because you know, you get out there, you know, if you think somebody's

coming at you, you want to start fucking lashing out of people before they get you and everything. And it reminds me, there's this famous story about Robin Williams. Joe Bartonick told me it. And, you know, he was royalty Robin Williams in San Francisco.

So I guess there was some sort of concert that was supposed to happen. Some huge band and everyone standing outside, you know, some giant fucking venue waiting to see this band, but it started raining and lightning and all this shit so the band couldn't go on. And everybody was getting upset. But I guess Robin Williams was in the crowd, was there for the show. And he just said, fuck it. And went on stage for like an hour or an hour and a half and just did a off the you know The top of his head comedy show fucking destroyed and in the end of his show the sun started coming out the crowd went fucking nuts and then he brought the band on and

I don't know he told me that so that's one of the coolest fucking things ever you know somewhere in the middle of it i started thinking about this that that story but anyways i want to thank everybody from auto uh... and in in around auto who came up to the show you guys had no chairs you stood up for an hour i had a fucking great time and uh... while i was doing it the sun was going down in the sky was amazing i kept making fun of that. Like I would be in the middle of a joke, right?

Telling a joke, yes, my fucking wife, blah, blah, blah. Oh God, how great was that breeze? I was saying all this shit I'd never said in 23 years on stage. How great was that, how great is the breeze? Look at those clouds. So we take a picture and show,

it was unreal. It was a phenomenal gig. And to make it even better was believe it or not, the company that we hired to animate F is for family, which is coming out in December is actually in Ottawa. So I went over there today and I met everybody and they were all cool as hell Annie Young and they thought the show was fucking hilarious and it wasn't like anything they had ever seen so and I and I met this

This one woman who was I'm not I'm not given away any of the show But was animating this really fucked up scene and I was laughing that she got the scene just because of what the scene was about her being a woman. And she said, and I was like, how did you end up getting this? She said, I actually requested it. I wanted to animate the scene. And I've got to tell you guys, I don't talk any shit. I'm not always getting to, I fuck around. But I like, when I talk about my career, I don't talk about any shit, but I will just say this, I was very, very excited when I left those studio today. And I think, I think this show is going to be, I think this is the one is far as I found the right thing where I can be funny the way

I'm funny and stand up and funny on the fucking podcast I can be that kind of funny on TV So And I feel like I'm jinks in it. I'm one of those fucking old ladies like don't say that and you're gonna fucking jinks it I think it's fucking it's really coming out well. I'm trying to fucking Not be too fucking excited, but Just do me get do me a solid you guys when that fucking excited, but just do me a solid, when that fucking thing comes out, just watch it. On Netflix, just fucking watch it,

so we get good numbers, because then if you like it, please tell some other people. I don't think I'm gonna have to ask you to do that after you watch it. I'm just saying that right now, oh, Billy's talking a little shit here. Talking a little bit of shit. Then that's all I fucking need, right? I do stand up and then I do this fucking off the wall cartoon. I call it a day.

Call it a day. Do a good five seasons of that and then I fucking happy trails. I go by my fucking ranch in Alabama. I'll see you. Get the NHL package, the MLB package, the fucking the fucking whatever the basketball one is. I'll get the college one too. I'll get the fucking ant league pass NFL pass, whatever the fuck it is. I'm getting all of those. All right? And then I'm getting me a case of fucking bear. That's it. I'm Get me a case of fucking beer. And then I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna join the clan when I'm down there. And I'm gonna see, I'm gonna be like see if I can like talk people out of it. Just show up to meetings and sort of not as people are talking and just sort of be like, I mean, I'm just not that bad. Come on, you back. I'm just, I'm just saying, I'm just

saying. And you know, it's funny. That's what every group needs. Even if you have a good cause, you need somebody in there that does not share your point of view. Because if you don't, you go off the fucking rails. That's what the clan needs, the clan needs some members that don't hate black people. Just to fucking spin them back into reality. When you think like these feminist groups that's what the fuck they need. They need some fucking jerk off guy like me in there just to fucking you know you can't you can't be in a group where everybody thinks the same way you spin off down the fucking it's like when conspiracy theorists get together a fucking eyebrow shoot up to

the ceiling next thing you know what we're we're talking about everything was an inside job You need somebody there to be like guys guys guys. Do you realize how many people would have to be involved To pull that off and everybody keeps their fucking mouth shut And then you can be you know what you're right. You're right. We got a little lot of hand there We got a little lot of hand there we got a little lot of hand maybe I'll drive by heckling clan meetings in the south just drive by not that bad if you get to know some people I wouldn't agree with that I have experiences that are like that you know just freaking out anyways um i don't know what the

fuck i'm talking about let's do some reads this week um fucking draft kings has been breaking my balls just breaking my fucking balls i love draft kings i don't know what they are fucking they don't like that i make a joke that they're a fucking gambling website they don't like it i keep getting like i they're a fucking gambling website they don't like it i keep getting the like i got a text they they said earlier sweet just you know we love the reads just don't say that we're gambling website just say that where it's more of a skill-based thing it's just like what what do you talk about it's like

you're gambling you've combined uh... fantasy baseball or fantasy football with the Vegas sports book. We're all adults. I don't have a problem with it. Why can't you just be who you are, draft kings? This is the fucking letter I got here. Where is it here? All right. Okay, just sent saying the the advertising did you see the email regarding draft kings please remind bill not capital n o t to compare draft kings to gambling well that i don't i don't fucking get people that first of all gambling is legal

it's legal what you're doing is fucking legal Why are you ashamed? That's like saying you know, we're not having sex. We're just seeing our bodies fit together Right that's probably a bad example I gamble you Don't the Pete Rose joke not only is it funny. It's fucking makes sense So I'm gonna continue to read it the way I always fucking read it And you know if you don't like it then I guess you know go to another podcast. I don't going to continue to read it the way I always fucking read it. And you know, if you don't like it, then I guess, you know, go to another podcast. I don't have to fuck to tell you. This isn't like radio. I can't get fired from my own fucking show.

Fucking skill based thing. That's what kills me. That you're sitting there as fucking adults. And you can just sit there and say that lie. unless you sat there in the meeting and you went like listen guys This is just bad for business to say that this is a gambling website so Let's hope bill is dumb enough To go along with it's more of a skill-based fucking thing Well, I'm gonna keep reading it the way I read it. What about the Howard Co-self thing that I do you don't like that? If I don't make these things fucking entertaining advertising people people just gonna fucking fast forward

through them. Listen if me undies can roll with sweaty balls and no sweaty clam I think you can handle a Pete Rose joke. We're all adults here we know what they are. That's more of a skill-based fucking thing. That's what they used to say in the football card when I was in high school when they had the bookie give you that. On the back it says not to be used for gambling. It's just a skill-based game. We all know what's going on. Alright, there we go. That's like the two people at the office who are fucking and I think nobody knows. Everybody knows. Alright, just fucking drop your pants and go at it. 37 minutes in. I'll tell you, time flies when you're just just stone sober eaten vegetables at 10 fucking 52 at night

Jesus Christ Oh my god, what am I I'm a two weeks in two weeks in it's just hard at night If you notice when I do the podcast in the morning or in the afternoon Da da da da da ba da bo bo I'm in a good fucking mood. This is when it's the hardest You know Your body starting to shut down and the devil is starting to wake up. Like, hey, what are we doing? What are we doing? You don't trust no count, no fucking, no vegetables. All right, let's get to some of the

reads here. Have I talked about everything I wanted to talk about here? The fuck else did I want to mention? Oh, oh, oh, oh, Jesus Christ, I almost forgot. One of the guys that basically taught me how to be a comedian, unfortunately passed away 73 years of age, Bob Cibell was laid to rest today and I just wanted to make sure that I took time to mention what a fucking great guy he was man. Just such a great guy, he was always cool to me when I started out and just such a, I mean, I didn't even know all this shit about. I'm going to read this link here when they talked about Bob Sibel.

He started in 1979 that was the start of a 36 year career in stand-up comedy from a guy whom his good friend and fellow comedian Mike McDonald was another fucking hilarious comic called the Fantastic Maniac. On stage, Bob made your laugh, off stage, he was generally cared about people. And this is what I found amazing about this guy and actually I kind of related to it where he was into a bunch of different shit Let's see where the fuck is it Christ, but why don't you give him a tribute to the guy and you're gonna fuck this whole thing up Well, you know what you're gonna have to deal with me. Read out loud here Those who knew Seibel are aware that his life

was lived in two distinct parts, which January 5th, 1977 serving as the line of demarcation, I hope I said that right. That's the day he gave up drinking. Driving into an occupied park car on Market Street was the final straw. And while his post-drinking life was not much longer in years, 38 versus 35,

he was determined to live every day like it was like he was trying to make up for lost time uh... they say the basically the guy in the dosecik is commercial most interesting man in the world doesn't have anything on bob side belt nine oh you think it what the fuck does that mean here you go where do you start sidebell ran more than thirty marathons

this is a monster headline comic he also ran more than thirty marathons including the boston marathons seventeen times he was a certified scuba diver who dived you know he did cruises he did she fucking dove all over the world an artist a musician an airplane pilot he hiked the appellation trail several times climbed mount kill him kill him a jarrow He hiked the Appalachian Trail several times, climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. He went on transit landing cruises, though not in the traditional manner.

He would travel on cargo and steamships, and was often the only one on the ship not working. It was his economical way to see the world that was far from the only traveling he did. In the last 11 years since he and his loving companion reconnected, they dated in high school and lost touch for 44 years. The pair traveled to China, Italy, Morocco, Greece, Turkey, Ukraine, France, Spain, England, Ireland, Iceland, the Bahamas, and Canada. Let me tell you something dude, that's the way to be a fucking comedian. is once you're a headlining comic and you're telling fucking jokes and people are coming out to see you. Why you would ever get yourself sucked into the industry when you can do all of this shit. How fucking amazing is that?

He he fucked around for the first 35 years of his life and was still able to do that. And I got to tell you man, he was one of the greatest fucking guys and when I started out. I know I've mentioned this before I Started out in March of 1992 and the big 80s common comedy boom was crash and hard and there was a lot of guys that worked in the 80s they basically they had more more rooms than actual Basically, they had more, more rooms than actual bonafide comedians. So what happened was I came in during the trimming the fat years.

So obviously I did not start off in the greatest rooms. And I ran into some of these bitter guys that were coming back down and had to get day jobs and they were, some of them were some of the worst fucking people you'd ever want to meet. I forgive them because they were fucking dealing with, you know, what they were going through, but some of them, I mean, I know guys would be like, hey, you know, look at this, look at this, it's Wednesday night, you know,

fucking three years ago, they'd be a line around the block. There's barely anybody here. And I had a guy one time say that to me and say, you know what, if I was starting out now, I quit, man, I'd get into something else. It was literally trying to discourage me. That's how desperate this person was. And, um, Sy Bell was not one of those guys, man. He was just a great guy. Really was interested in who you were and what you did and all that. And he lived a hell

of a life. Um, that's another great thing. I'll post the, uh, this article article uh... one of the coolest thing that anybody could ever say about you they said bob sidebell's bucket list was empty so uh... i don't know i'm i definitely just wanted you guys to know who that guy was use a fucking great dude man alright so anyways let's get on to your questions here for the week for the week for the week for the week where the hell do I go here sorry I'm on my iPad I'm on my mini iPad it's like it's big but it's small you know what I mean

all right um okay once again people um if you want to email me and ask me questions the email is bill at the mmpodcast.com. Boston posters are still on sale as of now there's 175 left. I know I had a lot of problems with the website, but you know me with technology. Also, I'm supposed to remind you guys about be the match.org. Be the match.org. It's the bone marrow registry. You give bone marrow. You can save somebody's life. We've had a few listeners that respond, that joined the registry at the B match and tweeted us at what a great experience it was. All right, there you go.

That's good karma too. Whatever horrific thing you do this weekend, you wanna balance it out, you can go do that. All right, Galaxy search. As I mentioned, I was looking for a four Galaxy. My wife is kinda making me be in a little more smart about it, but I already have one fucking old vehicle that I gotta get fixed all the time. She's right.

But, you know, maybe it needs a friend. Anyways, this guy said, hey Bill, if you want to search Craig's List nationwide for that Galaxy, try Search Tempest. So there you go, that's for you guys, whatever the fuck you're looking for. www.searchtempest.com. All right. Here we go. Let's get into the questions for the week here. New fan from Norway. J U P P. Jump. That's right. New fan. It's possible. Great podcast. Great shows. Well, thank you, sir, our ma'am. I've seen all your clips on YouTube in the last couple of days now, summer holidays at the cabins raining, so thank you. You saved it. Pardon my English, but how's your

new Norwegian, right? You know what? You got me there. You're way better than I am. I don't know anything other than talk, which means thank you. So somebody could be like, hey, can I shoot you in the head? I'll be like, thank you. Yes, absolutely. Keep on doing whatever you're doing at works. And when you come back, when you coming back to Oslo, because I know you, I see you've been here. I've been there twice, my friend. Next time call me, it gives the phone number and he goes, not gay.

I love when guys do that, not gay. Like what if you were that they, like, like, whatever move you made, I would have, that not gay like what if you were that date like i i whatever move you made i would be good i'm not gay it's already mad but you know i'm flattered that it would be over then we go cross country skin whatever i can handle it if you get no big deal uh... promise he said i promise i can

i can take you on a local to a local soccer game. Anyways, best regards. Blah blah blah blah. Uh, always names Glenn named after Glenn Anderson from the Gretzky line, uh, from his Edmonton Euler years. True. My, uh, my dad's work.

What? Valeriga Red Sox Rangers New York Giants L Beckham Jr Will own 2015 16 you know what dude you went off the rails with your English I don't know what happened there, but you know what? Most important thing when am I going back over there? Probably next year I think the last time I was there was the end of 2013 so I am More than overdue because I could go there right now and give you guys all brand new hours worth of jokes

So and I think this team this time when I go over there. I'm gonna add some Eastern European countries and I don't know. I'm looking forward to it definitely looking forward to it last time I went to Oslo I met this fucking badass dude who was shredded was this little guy who had the most sickest fucking beard? He just did not shave and his beard went from just under his eyes down to and met his chest hair This guy was a fucking animal and he'd just come back from Thailand We're two months out of every year this guy goes over there and just gets taught by these masters and gets the shit kicked out of them. And comes back here like a fucking, comes back to Norway, just absolutely shredded

and even more of a deadly weapon than he was when he left. Um, those are the kinds of people that I like. Those are the kinds of people that you should meet because that's the kind of shit like you listen like, dude, you can do that. You can just leave what you live for two fucking months, go to the other side of the planet and fight for two months. And it's like, yeah, if you set your life up, always working towards that, your life ends up going around that shit.

So if you're young right now, you know, when you're sitting there, you're getting ready to get out of college and the whole cubicle life is scary and you can set it up, however you want to set it up. Just start doing the shit that you want to do and then your life sort of builds around it. Alright? So anyways, alright, weight loss challenge. They have freckles. I love the podcast and have been trying to get motivated to at least not be that fat. I'm from Wisconsin so beer and cheese curds are like appetizers before more beer and meats with fried cheeses. God, dude, you know how hard that is to read right now. You know fucking great. That sounds.

Oh my god, I'd kill for any of that right now. He goes on five nine two hundred eighteen pounds. Big boy! Dude, you are you're you're like fourth and goal weight. Ha, ha, ha, give it to you. You'll get it in there, man. 5'9, 2'18, that's pretty fucking solid, my friend. And he said, oh, how many fucking hoodies do you own? He goes, I've always been active in play sports. There you go.

So there's muscle on it. You're, you're going to fucking destroy somebody if you start playing rugby. Um, he said, I've always been active in play sports. After your last Monday morning podcast, I was asked by some coworker if I wanted to be there. Fourth in a relay marathon because of your recent fat motivation towards yourself and challenge. I am doing it. All right good for you. Said this Chubby John Stockton Paps beer loving bastard has already ran 13 miles this week already and is cut down on the PBR switching to PBR light. Ha ha ha. Thanks for the encouragement. All right good field. Yeah dude. That's the one thing I have noticed since trying to lose weight is

runners are fucking They're all fucking skinny. You don't see a lot of fat runners unless somebody's fat and they decided to run Other than that, it just sort of melts off of you. My only thing is I don't know how their feet and knees can take it and they're back and everything like that I got this weird thing where I can sort of run on a treadmill a little bit, but if I run outside, if I run on a sidewalk, like I'll go half a block on my knees, they're like, hey, hey, easy, easy, what are we doing here? What are we doing?

All right, get on the grass and start walking. So my biggest thing that I'm doing is I'm just changing the way I eat. Who's getting to, taking a break from the way I eat. I'm always gonna have steaks and shit like that. But uh... Oh god, dammit. Look at this. I have three pieces of cauliflower.

I got like two carrots, three little, those round fucking tomatoes and a couple pieces of broccoli. Is this not... I love broccoli if it's steamed, but if it's completely fucking raw, it is practically impossible to eat. And you know, it's even harder is to eat it and actually do, you know, do a podcast. I bet this has never been done. Has anybody ever just taken a big fucking thing a cauliflower shoved it in their mouth and tried to read an email on a podcast podcasting is so young, you know, I don't

think it's been done. This is like eating a fucking rob broccoli with nothing on it. This is like, you know, that cinnamon challenge in like a vegetarian way. Here we go, this is so gross. Look at the top of broccoli. It's like, you know, those people with gross tongues, all those little bumps on the fucking tongues. It's just, this is fucking nasty. Ah!

Oh my God. I don't know where I ate an ironing board, but I think this is what it would fucking taste like. This doesn't even fool. This is a fucking gross thing. Oh my god. Oh, it's fucking horrible. Broccoli, two thumbs down.

You know, broccoli's like part of a comedy team. Like, I don't even comedy, they have to be part of a team. There's no fucking way this thing could go and stage by itself and hold a crop Holy shit There's nothing to it never fucking ends you will too broccoli for like four fucking hours. Oh God All right Jesus Christ. Um anyways

Why didn't I do this I still have two fucking cheeks full of the ship I look at a ball player in the fucking 70s and 80s. Instead of tobacco It's broccoli. That'd be great. If you join the baseball team They're all putting my fucking dip in back in the day and you're sticking like broccoli in there Like what are you doing? Oh, it's a little broccoli. It's good fiber It's good for your prostate keeps things moving Is it good for your prostate? I don't know. It's not good for your mouth. I can tell you that Never make noises like this when I'm eating steak. That's all I'm saying. You know, you eat steak. You fucking drop the fork. Unless it's a shit one. You know what I mean? Here's a good rule of thumb.

If you walk into a steakhouse and they have steak sauce on the table, you turn around, you walk the fuck out. them if you walk into a steakhouse and they have steak sauce on the table you turn around you walk the fuck out. All right good steak just not need to fucking mother fucker. How long does this take? Come on. All right there we go. You know it's funny that man versus food I never saw meat broccoli. I know why. I

Know it sucked towards the end of the challenge, but he always enjoyed the beginning. All right. Sorry about that guys. That was a bad fucking idea Holy shit You know anything worse than that would be eating like a mouthful of hair All right bad ass Russian pilot. Oh you guys got to see this video. You got to see this video I actually got her name. She's, um, her name is Svetlana. How great is that name? Svetlana. Uh, Kapanena, Svetlana Kapanena, right? Um, dear Bill, the red buron. Oh, like the red barren, I get it i get it that's not bad censor a pilot now i thought you might find this video interesting even

i have my license i do not consider myself i'm in my novice to i'm still fucking learning here obviously okay the russian pilot is considered uh... the pilot of the century uh... oh she's considered the pilot of the century according to RT News, she is one of the world's most honored aeronauts. Check out the video below. It's a cockpit view of her flying acrobatics around the Black Sea.

Look-wise, she is a Russian 7. But when you factor in her pilot skills, she becomes a perfect 10 Well, Russian 7 is a fucking at least an 8 1 1 2 half or a 9 anywhere else in the world. They're gorgeous Seriously though this video shows that the Soviets were we're on to something when they used women as combat pilots in World War 2 I didn't know that by the way The Germans didn't have a chance against the night witches I got to look some shit up on that. Hope my internet came back. It's fucking dickheads I paid for it here. Let's see here. Night witches. I gotta read about this. But watch the video. We'll post it. And the shit that this person is doing is like just the level of G's. I can't ever see those guys like when they just auditioning

to see if they can be a jet pilot. And you know, they'd send them around that fucking whatever. It's like that carnival ride that you always go on except it's way faster. And they end up like passing out and shit. How she doesn't pass out and knows where the hell she's going. I actually got dizzy watching it. She's fucking unbelievable.

All right, Knight Witches, everybody. Knight Witches is the English translation of some fucking German word that I can't fucking pronounce. A World War II German nickname. For the female military aviators of the 588th night bomber regiment known as the 46th time in gaibaaba blah blah how come they haven't made a movie about this is because it's the Russians in the cold war Jesus Christ this has Merrill Street written all over it you know they wanted to do it and instead they did a league of their own, because the fucking

wall hadn't come down in Germany yet. It's a fucking amazing, this amazing, it should be a movie. They must have made one already. The regiment flew harassment bombing and precision bombing missions against the German military from 1942 to the end of the war. All right, this is creepy. How did the Germans know that it was a guy or a woman? You know what happened?

They shot one down. They ran over to see if they were still alive and if they were, they killed them and then in the end, they realized there was a woman. How the fuck did they know? I never understood that. How you got to know your enemy that well. Like you knew that that was the like when they drop in bombs on you you stick in your head out it looks like

the five eighty eight night bomb a regiment once the socials it bitches ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a foreign 800 missions by the end of the war and 23 having been awarded 23 even were awarded the hero of the Soviet Union title 30 of its members died in combat the regiment flew in wood and canvas by plants oh that's why uh Jesus they fucked him over they didn't give him a nice plans a 1928 design intended for use as training aircraft and for crop dusting and to this day the most produced by plane in all of aviation Oh my god Dude Joseph style he didn't give a fuck He'd sacrifice a 200,000 fucking of his own goddamn people to get another hundred yards.

You didn't give a shit and put the broads up in those old fucking plates. Do it! Or I'll fucking have you killed. It worked, alright. It worked. He beat their fucking asses. Couldn't beat the people in Finland though, could he? I still have those fucking broccoli shit in my mouth. I'm gonna read more about that man. That's very interesting. Thank you for that email. All right, what do we up to 58 minutes? All right, let's get in the last fucking thing here. Let's get the last fucking read in here. Girlfriend with too many guy friends Jesus Christ

I'm sorry. I'm still doing with the broccoli here girl friend with too many guy friends. Hey old doctor Bill I'm a 21-year-old college student and I started dating this girl at my school five months ago Things seem to be going great, but unfortunately we've been away from each other this summer because we're from different states We talk almost every day, but there are some days when I never hear from her at all. I just see her posting different things she does with their friends on social media. I would have a problem with it, except hang on a second. What the fuck, broccoli? It's just never done. I'm sorry, guys. I promise I won't eat again

on the podcast, it's really rude. I know, I know, it's horrible, sorry. We talk about, but I wouldn't have a problem with the except the majority of the time, it's with a group of dudes. She's always hanging out with about five of her friends who are all guys and then a handful of times, there's other girls there.

Every time I see her post something about them, I feel jealous and angry that she's spending all this time with other guys. Not only that, but her most recent post was on a boat with all these guys wearing probably her most revealing bikini. I haven't many of these guys, so I definitely don't trust any of them. Whenever she's with them and I text her, she takes hours to respond or even waits to the next day. I want to bring it up. How do I feel about that? But I don't want to make it feel like I'm telling her who she can and can't hang out with. So what do you think I should do? Bring it up. That I don't like how she hangs out with other guys or just shut the fuck up and trust that she's not up to anything I would be great to hear from Nia

Thanks, what Nia thinks to get a female perspective too. I wish she was here right now because You're gonna get my perspective. Anyway, sorry for the long email. Hopefully it didn't I didn't use too many big words for you Ag, oh fuck yourself What do I think about that? Yeah, that's kind of weird. I mean, what would she think if you were fucking hanging out with like five other broads and you were wearing a speedo when you got, didn't get back to her the next day?

She probably think that you were fucking around, right? So I would just say to us, hey, listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but you know, when you're post, you know, when you're hanging out, you seem to only be hanging out with other guys, you're on boats, you wear and skimpy bikinis, it's making me feel uncomfortable here. All right, she's like, what do you know, you know, try to think and just go, look, I'm just communicating that it kind of makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, this is real difficult without you seeming like you're fucking checking in on or being like a jerk, but just ask or just, let me ask you this.

If you know, if I text you and I didn't get back, if you text me and I didn't get back, you text me and I didn't get back to you for a whole full fucking 24 hours. All right. And then you see a picture on Facebook and I'm standing in with my ball bag all in a bunch, you know, I'll water it up like a fucking pack parachute. Hang it out with like five chicks on a boat. I mean, wouldn't you kind of be like, you know, with like five chicks on a boat, I mean, wouldn't you kind of be like, you know, dude, what the fuck? Just ask your am I out of line here? Then also tell it to and please tell me, you know, if you're not feeling it anymore and you want to hook up with other guys, just let me know early on.

So you know, the heartache is way less. Just let me know. All right? But, dude, I don't think that it's weird that you're uncomfortable with that. That is fucking weird. You know, hanging out with five guys and you're most revealing fucking bikini. Give me a- you know what the fuck you're doing? No, those are just my guy friends. All right, now I'm getting annoyed. Huh? What are you, a fucking attention whore? What's going on? I'm going to say all the shit that you can't say to him. This is all the shit you're thinking and you're totally justified to think of it.

And don't listen to any fucking broads or tell you anything different. Because if you were doing it, they'd give you the exact same fucking shit. All right, I got my foot on this one. All right, just ask her. Just ask her what is, what's, you know, don'ts doing it at all that I'm doing. You got to ask what the fuck's going on here. You know, honey, with all due respect, you know, you're fucking, it looks like you're in a sausage factory there. You know, wearing your little skimpy fucking outfit,

what's going on? Be one thing if you were there with one of your girlfriends, and even then I'm thinking a little five on two action, right? What's going on? I don't want to tell on two action, right? What's going on? I don't want to tell you dude. That's that's a fucked up situation It might be just how she likes you. Maybe I was gonna I don't like other girls I don't get along with other girls. You maybe one of those fucking people

Well, really you like hanging out with guys. Well, why don't you do it with some fucking clothes on? How about that? You know how about this can we can we make a rule that you know? You got to put on some fucking clothes when you hang out with these guys how about that you know how about this can we can we make a rule that you know you got to put on some fucking clothes when you hang out with these guys how about that because you know you're just gonna get pissed and then you're gonna start hanging out with some chicks and just to piss her off you're gonna start taking fucking pictures and now return her fucking text for a day and you start doing that childish shit rather than just getting right to the fucking media the heart of the matter there right the meat of the matter look at

this that's how much instead of saying the hardest, said the meat. That's how much I'm fucking ate in these vegetables. Oh, geez, yeah. Um, anyways, people, if you enjoy this podcast, all right, and you'd like to donate without having to donate next time you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, go to billboard.com, click on the merchandise page, click on the Amazon, uh, fucking link. and it just takes you right there. And I get credit for driving traffic to their site. They kick me a little dough. It doesn't cost you any extra fucking money.

If you don't want to do it, I completely understand. So, anyways, that is the podcast for this week. I'm happy to be fucking stone sober and getting in shape, but tonight was a bad one. I probably should have been more uplifting for people who are trying to do it. You're going to have these fucking nights, but I will tell you this. I am, I'm gonna finish this fucking plate, a fucking broccoli and cauliflower and all that horse shit. And tomorrow morning, you know what, as much as this sucks, I'm gonna feel like a million bucks. And my stomach's gonna be a little flatter, right? You gotta be willing to sacrifice. Jesus Christ. I, you know what?

I'm so fucking bummed out right now. I can't even fucking. I actually, you know what's funny? Once the English people told me that bummed out means you got fucked in the ass. I can't even say that anymore. Well, what's, what is the real word that I'm trying to say? I'm a little melancholy right now. I'm melancholy with the cauliflower. Anyway, sorry about that. Uh, that's a

podcast for this week. As always, thanks for listening. Everybody in Ottawa that showed up, man, that was fucking cool. Is shit, man, to actually perform outside. I have a whole new, um, perspective on it. It made me think of that cool fucking story. Joe Bartonick told me about Robin Williams and it actually uh... I don't know, kind of reminded me like, hey, you know you're put here to do this, so quit your fucking whining you know, what's it matter, it's not a perfect situation, you're fucking baby, get out there and give him a goddamn show and then you have a great fucking time, it was awesome

it was fucking awesome, so thank you to everybody in Ottawa and now it's on Demontriol, Montreal Comedy Festival. And I'm doing three goddamn comedy jams and I'm doing three stand-up shows. And we're gonna be up there with the lovely near. And we're gonna be enjoying Montreal. I'm doing three songs, playing drums for three fucking songs. And I was actually putting my support and pressure on myself for that, like fucking practicing and all that shit. And then I finally remember like, hey, isn't playing drums just something you do for fun bill?

Why don't you work a little more in the standup back to Keynes instead of the fucking so whatever. So I'm probably gonna fuck up, I know I'm gonna fuck up the songs in some way shape or form, but I'm gonna have a good time. So that is it. That's a podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.