Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-21-22

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Bill rambles about the All-Star Game, 'ass-Hooters', and Home Depot.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How's your Thursday going, man? Oh, fucking stupid me, man. I was all clean. I wasn't fucking doing anything. Then I go to Vegas. I start eating like shit. I smoke a cigar. Now I got to start all over again. It's unbelievable. So I'm back cleaned up. But it's good, though, because usually when I fuck up like that, then it takes me another three months to get the momentum to be like, All right, nose to God. Stay away from the coffee. Don't eat any weed gummies. Now it's just been more like four days. It's just like, All right, am I really gonna fucking

do this? I don't want to do this. All right, let's get back to the gym. Let's do the things we need to do. Let's fill up the time that we spent hurting ourselves with different activities that will build for a better future. So I've been playing a lot of drums instead of fucking sitting around smoking cigars, right? So I sat down yesterday and it finally fucking happened. I was able to play along to Led Zeppelin's good times, bad times, one bass drum, playing those fucking triplets. Now I might go down there today, you know, given a shit too much, legs a little tighter, foot or whatever. And then it doesn't fucking happen. But it did happen yesterday. It finally happened. Ladies and gentlemen, all the shit will see

my dad drumming went to the next level. I'm actually jammed with some buddies of mine. When I go back to Boston next month, back East, the family bag East, I go back East. And when I get up to Massachusetts a few days before the Fenway gig, I'm gonna be jammed with a couple buddies of mine from back in the high school days. And they pick, you know, some easy songs or whatever. And one of them, ACDC, TNT. This guy's just some tricky shit in there. It's like, I can play that's easy. Can play this one. My God, if you saw this fucking set list, dude, I mean, it is, it is, I don't think anything is like post 1985. One of the songs, I don't think I've heard it since it came out. Do you remember that

song by kiss tears of falling? Oh, no tears of falling just sort of a throwaway. You know, it's one of those songs that it did well on. I remember on the countdown, but like it never really got much radio play after because it was a zillion songs being put out by bands like that back then. And I have not heard that fucking song since then. I was like, holy shit. All right, we'll check this one out, man. So anyway, I'm fucking psyched. It finally happened. I just been doing that. Triplet exercises those triple licks, triple licks and not doing the actual playing the good times, bad times thing, because I just felt like that just got in my head. It was just this frustrating thing. I'd always get

almost to the top of the hill and then fucking slide back down because I'd get busy or whatever. So yeah, so that happened. And then yesterday, I flew a Robinson R 44 for the first time in like almost two years coming up on two years and hope I didn't remember anything could remember how to start it up. The main road, it turns the other way. So all your feet inputs were the opposite. I can't even explain how fucked up that is because the top half of your body is the same. And then then the bottom half, the inputs go differently. Oh, you basically do. Sorry, I'm recording this literally right as I got up was hanging with the kids last night did not record the podcast. All it is is your, you know, with

the one I have my left foot follows the collective. When I follow the Robinson, which turns, what is that counterclockwise? Like the collective follows the right foot. So when I picked it up, you know, I was just like, all right, just pay attention to the nose, but I was still a little cockeyed. And I was a little high when I was taxing. But other than that, it was cool. It was actually hanging out with some friends of mine. And I made me, you know, I was thinking like, ah, man, I could have got one of these. It's a little four seater. But the main rotor blades are bigger and it's faster. It has a v6 engine. But I actually, by the end of the flight, I was really happy. I got the cabri. You can't even compare the two.

As far as just like safety, the avionics that's in the cabri, it's a full glass cockpit. And I can I have all the, I can just hit a button that says traffic. And I see anybody who's near me or whatever like that. And this was going back to like the analog shit. And I was just like, I don't like this. I don't, I do not fucking feel as safe. So I'm also, I'm getting rid of a bunch of shit. Like I have too many guitars. And I only play like, like three of them. And even then, I played drums most of the time. So I have these other ones that I'm going to be selling. Dean Delray is going to sell them for me. Three guitars that I'm going to sell. And then I have, and then I have three. And I don't fucking think I need any more than that. And then I can kind of keep them

all in the same place as supposed to have in guitar cases all over the place that can fucking Keith Richards. I got a little crazy. You know, I was playing guitar, I was having fun, I'm like, well, I want to get this guitar, I want to have that guitar, I want to have this guitar. It's just like, then I had kids. And then it's like, I got to hide these guitars, the kids are going to put their hands on them, they got to fuck the guitars up. And then they sit out here. Then my fucking air conditioning broke. So I'm like, I can't fucking have my, you know, because the air condition is busted, I got to fucking, you know, stick them in the garage, then they're in the fucking garage and the spiders are fucking sell up. So that's what's happening. And I got a bunch

of shit people have given to me over the years, you know, on the road of which I'm looking at right now. And I just went as fucking autographed the shit. And next time we have a benefit. And all things comedy, I'm just going to fucking donate all that stuff. And Josh Adam Meyer show shimmy shimmy. Yeah, we give shit away. I'm fucking get rid of a bunch of stuff. Do you know, I'm still fucking dealing with that goddamn shop vac that I bought. So I ended up going down to Home Depot to fucking exchange it. For those of you who haven't listened to the podcast, I went down to get this fucking shop vac, you know, so I can keep my garage clean. Garage clean. Fucking hate this shit coming out here. And there's all kinds of crap. There's just

no seal under the doors, the garage door in the side door, right? So get shit all over the place here and it's fucking drives me nuts. I don't like it. I like a nice clean garage that has cars in it. That's my fucking little podcast studio. That's what I like. I fucking hate people who use their fucking garage as a storage unit. You know, or they just convert it to more square footage for their house. They turn the entire thing into some sort of man cave or some shit. I fucking hate that shit. You know, I don't I don't and it's my stupid thing. I just look at it as a great now. Now you have to have now you have to go buy more shit to decorate that now you need another sofa, couch, Davenport, whatever your age is, whatever the fuck you call it, get your feet off the Davenport.

That was my grandfather. Anyway, that's just one of those things that fucking drives me at the wall. You know, like that there's this movement on the internet where people are annoyed by people that back into parking spots. Like this is the most egregious thing you could ever fucking do. It's like, it isn't. It's a brilliant thing to do. You back in and you've clearly made your statement that wherever you're about ready to go, you don't want to be there or you want to get the fuck out of there. You're putting that energy out to the universe. If it's a social situation, people see it. It's fantastic. So I guess my version of that is if you don't fucking put your car in the garage, I think you're an asshole.

Get your goddamn feet off of that fucking Davenport. He didn't talk like that. Davenport. Those are all those words that went away, huh? Davenport. Remember dungarees instead of jeans? Work boots, boondockers. He had on his dungarees and boondockers and Christy goes over and he puts them right on the fucking Davenport. Are you from America? Anyway, oh, I went to the all-star game. I heard they had every player fucking mic'd up too, which is my dream scenario and any sporting event is that all the athletes are mic'd up. Even if they're joking around, it's cool. But if they were actually fucking pissed at each other, you can hear what they're saying, talking all kinds of shit. Obviously, you can't have that because kids are watching

and that type of thing. But I've always said that you could have an opposite channel, the R-rated channel. Then you know what would happen if the feed would accidentally go to the clean channel and someone would be arguing a call saying every word in the book probably wouldn't be a good thing. What do you think, Bill? Are you going to go on a limb right there and say that that wouldn't be a good thing? Yes, I am. So we ended up going there and I got hooked up with some tickets by Bet MGM, hooked us up. Thank you for the tickets. Unfortunately, it was hot as fucking balls and where we were sitting, we were in the upper deck, the Bob Euker seats along the first baseline and the way the sun goes down is that part of the

bleachers is facing west. So the sun is just in your fucking face the whole time. So I went with like three other dudes, right? So two of them went to go get the beer and the food. Me and my other buddy sit down and we sit and we're literally like one row in front of the shade, but the shade's going away anyway because the sun's going down. It's just basically going to kill everybody in that section and we were just sitting there for like two seconds and he literally just looks at me. He's like, you know, you know, we could go down there and help them out with the food because he's a nice guy. I didn't want to say these seats are going to be brutal and I just started laughing. He's like, no, these are fine. These are fine. We got the car service. He was already talking about

the car service before the fucking game even started. So we ended up going down and I don't know if because of the All-Star game, there seemed to be very few ushers working and we ended up finally finding somebody and figuring out, you know, where the Dodgers pro shop was to buy some stuff. I got the American League All-Star jersey for myself and for my daughter and I was standing in line. I couldn't find the one that said Boston on it and my buddy's like, I'm thinking I need a large. My buddy was like, what do you want? A meeting? Medium? And I said, yeah. Knowing that I needed a large, probably needed a large. I held it up and I thought it looked all right. Then I came home and I mean, I fit in it, but it was a tight jersey. You can't walk

around a tight baseball jersey. You ever go to a hockey game and you see some guy wearing a fucking jersey that used to hang like, you know, like you could put pads underneath it. Now it's like fucking skin tight. Looks like he's ready to go ride a fucking time trial on a bicycle. Yeah, I can't have that. So I'm going to give it to somebody else. But anyway, we ended up standing on the sixth deck looking down at the game and just cracking up and having a good time. And this guy came up and he saw me and then my buddy's an actor, right? And he's fucking looking at us. He's like, Oh my God, what's going on? I like your comedy. Oh my God. I love that TV show or the movie that you did it, blah, blah. Then he just looks at

us. He goes, what are you guys doing way up here? And all my friends just started fucking laughing at me because they were busting my balls about where we were sitting. I didn't mind the seats. I actually, I mean, it's just was the heat. The seats were fine. So I'm not shitting on bed MGM. I really appreciate the tickets. And also it took me back the first time I ever went to that stadium was in the mid 90s. I went to a night game, thank Christ. And I remember it was right when Mike Piazza, you know, he'd already just started to make a name for himself that he was, you know, the star of the Dodgers and a star across the league. So that was pretty fucking cool. But anyway, we ended up having a blast. And I was talking to them the next day,

they were like, it was actually kind of fucking cool, because we ended up walking all around the stadium. We just did standing room, just staying in the shade. And we were buying a home plate. We saw Kershaw come out. And oh, oh, tiny kid. He called it. He goes, what are you looking forward to most? He goes first pitch, first swing. And then he goes up there against Kershaw. First pitch, he takes the first swing, and he just fucking lays it right up the middle for a base hit. And we were like, oh, shit. Did he say first swing first hit? Did he say I was gonna, you know, we were thinking I was like, no, no, no, no, he said, first pitch, first swing, something like that. And we were all bummed that they wouldn't let him pitch. But

anyway, so then the next person Kershaw faced was Aaron Judge. So it was just like, wow, let's see what happens here. And he ends up doing some veteran move. Just getting Ohtani leaning the wrong way, steps off the rubber over to first fucking picks him off, and then strikes out Aaron Judge. We were like, all right, that was fucking sick. I just wish I got to go back and watch the game because I want to hear, I want to hear them be all mic'd up. And then we ended up later on, we ended up all the way out in, where did we go? We went to, we watched along the third baseline for a little bit, then the first space line, and then we ended up all the way out in the outfield. And that was a good time. There's always great people out there. So

you know, we ended up, we ended up out there. And there was a bunch of people from the armed services were there. And we were talking about like the sailors uniform that they have, how like Broadway shows have like ruined that uniform, whether you see like the Marine uniform, you know, the army uniform, you know, the dress, whatever, but like you see like the navy one, you just think five, six, seven, eight. It's wrong. What they need to do is they need to do another movie. Because I got to be honest with you, out of all the war movies that scare the shit out of me the most, it's the navy ones. And that is the last branch that I would fucking join. There's no fucking way I would join the navy because I don't want to be on a ship that sinks

and you end up in the fucking water. And now you're in Quinn's fucking story from Jaws. I know the odds of that now. But you know, I talked to guys, you know, I meet people in the armed services and I talked to these guys in the fucking navy, they talk about people falling overboard and not being able to find them. I just cannot fucking believe that. Just the terror and the loneliness of that death, just sitting in the middle of the fucking ocean, they can't find you, they probably turn the fucking thing around to look for you, you can see them, they can't see or hear you. And then you see when they quit. They fucking sail away or some shit, you probably die of hypothermia then. God willing.

God willing, you die of fucking hypothermia. You're not just hanging there, waiting for a fucking shark to come along to hell with that. Then you got to think who really has a good navy anymore. Did you guys watch that cry of the wolf? The Jean Doulou, the French movie. That was another one, you know, submarines and all of that stuff. My God, we got to run quietly and they're waiting for the death charge to go off. Fuck all of that, man. Fuck all of that. If I joined the armed services before I went in, I would learn how to build websites and that I

would request that duty. I can help with recruitment, sir. Just don't have me in the fucking sun, please, for the love of God. And I don't want to be out on the water, all right? I don't want to be on land or on water. I want to be in an office. Those are my requirements for my service to my country. Oh, speaking of that, I have an idea, man. I don't know why this hasn't been filled yet. You know, there's a restaurant called Hooters, okay? And, you know, they sell food and then the chicks walk around with like titties, some real, some fake, kind of like their chicken, right? It's mostly chicken. I have no idea what it is. I was thinking like, you know, nobody gives a fuck

about tits anymore. People finally came around to what I always knew was always about the ass, always about the ass, right? So why don't you fucking have ass Hooters, right? You call it cakes. And you do the same thing. It's like McDowell's, but you just do it. You have a restaurant, it's called Cakes, and it's only, only real asses, real ass bitches need to apply. No, real, only real asses, not the fake ones, you know, where you walk and the ass doesn't move, none of that shit, right? And you serve the same level of mediocre chicken, and then I think that you kind of undercut Hooters. You call it cakes, you know? And then just to keep the feminists at bay, you actually have an array of cakes that you can have for dessert.

No, it has nothing to do with us exploiting, turning our weight staff into sex objects. It has to do with our dessert menu. And I'd appreciate it if you get your mind out of the gutter and maybe take a look at the menu first next time before you come over here and insult me and everybody else here, all the other fine people here over here at cakes. Hooters and cakes. It's like Turks and Caicos, right? Except the restaurant version of it. Oh, that's what you do. You partner up with a Turkish restaurant chain, if there is such a thing. You call Turks and Cakes. Oh, whatever. I'm just brainstorming here, people, but it would fucking work, I think. I think it would work. And then you could say how progressive you were,

because of all the minority hires that you would have. Obviously, if you were trying to corner the market on asses, you know, those would be a lot of minority hires. Was it the fact that you were actually woke or was it just that's what the market was? One of those 60-minute interviews. I mean, you're dodging everything. You're worse. We're really supposed to believe that you called the restaurant cakes because of your dessert menu. I mean, look at this. Look at these photos. Look at this. There's not one woman facing the camera. And there you are. You're twice the age of everybody there. You know, I don't think I like what you're suggesting. I'm suggesting it, sir. This is a picture on the front cover of your menu

at cakes. Oh, that was my wife's idea. Anyway, sorry. That was the 60-minute saga of cakes. Turks and cake hoes. Sorry. Anyways, Major League Baseball is coming back. Fucking bummed out, man. You know, why do they need to announce that the Red Sox are sort of, this is a rebuilding year? Why do they need to do that? I mean, you could have waited till August. As long as you know, you're running the team. So what the fuck do I need to know for? Can I just sit there an ignorant bliss going like maybe sales finger will heal? Jesus Christ, that fucking guy, he's had everything but a piano fall on him. Oh, whatever. It is what it is. I'm still going to watch him. What else am I going to do? It's still five and a half weeks. Dude,

let's look up. When does the NFL season start? This is the question that you asked when the owner of your team says that it's now a rebuilding year. I'm still going to ride with them through the dog days of August, man. Let's see. Oh, what about the Houston Astros just getting mercilessly booed at the All-Star Game? Jesus Christ. I thought Dodger fans had a lot of fucking balls booing the Houston Astros. You know, okay, they went to Home Depot, they bought a trash can. What did you guys do? You went around the league and bought every fucking star in the universe and have a close to a $300 million payroll. Come on. What are we doing here? People on the Dodgers tested positive for fucking steroids too. We're all doing something.

Let's not just pick on Houston because they're consistently voted one of the fattest cities in the United States, you know? And you feel a little extra confident because you know they can't catch you carrying all that weight. I'll tell you what would do great down in Houston. A little restaurant called Cakes. Oh my God, that'd be hard to fucking hire women down there. I thought it was called Cakes. Yeah, but it's like an in-shape. You know, we want in-shape booties. You just have a fat ass, okay? There's a difference. I'm going to report you to the Restaurant Better Business Bureau. Okay, you do that. You do that. And we'll get them drunk here. We'll get them some dessert and have a few

of these chicks sit in his lap and that whole problem's going to go away because this is Texas, man. All right. You can still do shit like that. I'm fucking with you. All right. Sorry, I'm looking this up. NFL first game. It is Thursday, September 8th. Fuck. All right. Let's change the question. Excuse me. You fucking cunt. I swear to God, what is with this search thing where the whole thing then just selects? What's the deal with every not MLB, you idiot. NCAA. Don't they start a week earlier? Search. What we got? What we got? What we got? Can't they? I don't think. Hey, robot on my phone. What's the first, what's the date of the first NCAA football game this year?

Saturday, August 27th. All right. And today's what? The 21st. Yeah. We're only about five weeks out. Whoo. And did I hear that they realigned? Is that something that I heard that UCLA and USC are not in the PAC 10 anymore? Let me see this. Maybe, yeah, I should do this voice thing, huh? Right. Hello, robot person. This is your owner, Bill Burr. I want to learn about NCAA realignment. That's the fucking worst question ever. I'm not sure I understand. I'm right there with you, buddy. NCAA realignment. What's the deal? I like to challenge it. Devon deal. Deal from which team? All right. NCAA realignment.

Witch sport. Football, you fucking assholes. Oh, the little pie thing spinning. All it's doing is just giving me schedules. What the fuck's that Florida team with the goddamn prehistoric snake on the side of its helmet? That's not, okay. I don't know. I don't know what you just sent. This doesn't help me. Anyway, I just know I got a text from somebody to go, well, kiss the PAC 10, PAC 12 goodbye. And I was like, what does that mean? It's like fucking realignment. Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? I don't know. All right. We have a read here, everyone.

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then for those of you who are my age and your kids are all grown, if you don't know what a sleep sack is, I don't know when they were invented. It's sort of like a workout vest for a toddler, except you're not doing it so they can work out. You're doing it so they, you know, have difficulties getting out of their bed. So my son is all muscle and he just pulls himself up and he goes right up and over like Tom Cruise figuring out some shit in the beginning of one of those mission impossible movies. And now he just comes walking into our bedroom. It's so funny. You just hear his little hand and he opens it up the door. He's walking and he just goes, Hi. And then we're up. So now I have to surround his bed with like pillows because, you know,

it's one of those deals. If we just had him in a regular bed, he'd get out immediately. So you got to have an obstacle. So now he has to climb up and over this fucking thing. But I still want him to fall down and get hurt because his sister did that and ended up with like literally a cartoon level not on her head. You know, it's terrifying to me. So I just put pillows all around it. Speaking of which, this is freaking me out. I have to go check it. I have to go check it on him. This is the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday morning, morning podcast. Enjoy. Enjoy the music picked up by Andrew Thamelist and we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday morning, morning podcast to follow. All right. Half hour episode bonus to

come. That's it. Go Red Sox. I'm still hanging in there with them. And thanks to BedMGM for getting us into the game. I've now been to the All Star game and all four sports. I actually forgot I went to the NHL All Star game. What's his face? Joe Bartnick reminded me. All right, I'm going to stop talking now. See if I can find where's the arrow? Where's the arrow? Okay, clicking. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and this is a very special edition of the Monday morning podcast. You know, every once in a while here on the podcast, rather than listening to my psycho ramblings and my jam jams is I lay on my bed every once in a while. I'll have a guest on of high esteem. And this episode is of no exception. This is a man

I've done a lot of radio with, but I've never had as a guest, please welcome the one, the only, the legendary from New Jersey, Mr. Jimmy Norton. Thank you, Bill. What's going on? It's funny. It's like, do you I know you're such a solo guy when you do your podcast. I almost felt like when I texted you to do it, I almost felt like you were the hardest one for me to text. I know you longer than I know any of them. Right. And it was you were the hardest one because I'm like, Bill does it by himself. I don't want to put him on the spot. But you said you've had some guests. No, no, I've had great to add. Jay Moore I've had. Okay. I've had Dave Kector. I've had Michael Rappaport was great. Just the whole sports thing that guy's like a total like hoop head.

Yeah, fuck Boston and all that. So we had a great going back and forth. And of course, he trust me for the Giants beating the Patriots. So I try to get guests that I'm friends with because I'm not the greatest interviewer. And so I definitely, you know, someone that I've done a bunch of radio with now watch, are we filling the tension that it's all going to go off the rails? No, it's funny. It's one of those things though, whenever you're with a friend or ever you're interviewing, we're talking to somebody that you know, as well as we know each other, it's all you almost feel self conscious. Like, Oh, no, they're going to think I'm putting on my performer hat or my interviewer hat or my radio guy. It's like, Oh, Jim, tell us how did

you get your start? No, I know. And that's what comedy podcasts are into. Every comic in Colin won't do him. He's like, I'm sick and tired of talking about the fucking process. You know, he doesn't want to hear the process. And he's right. I'm actually, I'm out of stories. I kind of like tapered back on doing other podcasts, not because I don't like other podcasts. I just, I've run out of stories. I don't know how many more like the amount of times I tell the story. And I, yeah, I've probably told this one before, but I mean, you know, everybody's got your classic half dozen, dozen stories, unless you're like a guy like Jim Jeffries, and you just live in like a classic story, it seems every three fucking weeks. An active alcoholic. If you're an active alcoholic,

and he's not that sober now. Yeah, he's been, he's been, he's been a good boy for a couple years. Even if he isn't, I'm not going to say he's an active alcoholic. I just got to sit there and be like, you know, he likes having a good time that Jim Jeffries. He came in one time, and he was, I think, still going from the night before. It was quite enjoyable. I like, I don't drink anymore, but I love a guy who's drunk, like on the air. It's awful to deal with in real life. Like a phone in a farm. It's great radio. God, they're great. He brought in who's that big Irish community Andrew or something. He's one of the biggest ones. He doesn't reign as an Ireland. Oh, okay. He came in on St. Paddy's Day and he was fucking loaded. Not, not Tommy Turning.

No, no, no. We've had him too. I think he was sober. This guy, I think, is bigger than Tommy. And he was just so drunk and obnoxious. It was just funny to watch this guy who in his home country is a, you know, he's a Kevin Hart and just loaded and fucking seven o'clock in the morning, blathering, making no sense. I'm like, who are you? Oh God, I don't drink anymore. No, they don't, they don't fuck around over there. Like it is a, it's a whole other, but I mean, there's definitely, it's not like everybody over there is a drunk, but like, there isn't like that I'm saying this as a tourist. I just didn't see the level of concern where everybody's so worried about everybody over here. Like, do you think he has a problem? I'm really concerned about so and

so. Like I didn't feel that vibe over there. It was more like, if you felt you had a problem, maybe you tried to go to a, I don't know if they have AA over there. Is that, is that worldwide? Has that spread? Yeah, it's made it everywhere. Russia has it. No, it doesn't. Does it? Everywhere has it. Yeah. That's what I've been told. Are there YouTube clips of just like people saying it in all different languages? You know, that's a good question. I've never looked from what I understand the program is anonymous. So people don't state their affiliation with it publicly. Oh, that's right. You wouldn't film it. They probably wouldn't allow that. Yeah. They're probably frowned on some guy with the fucking moron. How would you know? Did people film the

anonymous meeting? This is the level. This is the level of, of intellect that you're going to get on this. So, so fucking settle in. There's nothing wrong with that. It's one of those things where everything's online anyway. I mean, everything is very, the fact that the fucking first tower getting hit, there's a clip of that. Hey, I don't have a windscreen on that. So you're popping on your piece a little bit. So that's, that's my, that's my fault. Sorry. I'm down to my last one. Five days a week, 10 years. And I don't know not to go into a fucking microphone. I'm a true idiot. But the fact that that's why, oh, by the way, he says, but and not put. He'll say, uh, did you put that now? Like there's certain words he says P is B because he, he went to

broadcasting school. Did he? That sounds like such a, such a broadcasting school thing. No, maybe in college he learned. I think he learned in college actually, but you know, he went from communication. But, um, the fact that there is footage of the first tower getting hit, like that plane going in, and you know, back then everyone didn't have the cell phones with the cameras. There's a miracle. Like, so it's not surprising that people think that things are going to be filmed. I don't know why I'm on the tangent, but it's not surprising to me. Okay. I'm glad that was a tangent because I was like trying to adjust the level there, as you adjust the microphone away from me. I was like, Oh my God, he's talking about 9-11.

Where the hell did we go? Oh yeah, just for a second. I just thought of like a weird thing to be on film. Just as a color. Yeah. Just a little something just to bring us back to how lucky we are, Bill. How awkward would it be if I just mentioned 9-11 and started blubbering or anything worse and somebody cries like way too long up to 9-11? Oh, by the way, we're sitting in Jim's fucking fabulous hotel room. So that would really be fucking uncomfortable. Just creepy. Yeah. As long as the mics are on and I feel there's an audience, even though I can't see them, it wouldn't be that bad. But if we were just here by ourselves, which fucking takes me back to a moment. Cleveland? Yes. I was in a hotel room, pissed, and you fucking knocked on the door and talked

me off the fucking ledge. It was it was the gig after the Philly gig where I was like, I knew that they were going to boo me again just to boo me rather than Philly. They booed me because they didn't like me. And then by the time the fucking Cleveland gig, you guys gave me so many props that the crowd wanted to see it again. Yeah. So I was asking somebody there, hey, just put me on early, give me a chance. Just give me a chance. And he's like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry. And then I was in the exact same spot. I go out there and I just walk out. I'm on for two seconds. They just start booing me just to boo me. And I was like, look, I'm not going to pretend to get mad because you guys are pretending to boo me and it didn't go anywhere. And I got off stage

and I was fucking livid. I remember me and Jeff will still laugh about it because Jeff was like, no, no, I'm sorry. I was like, fuck you. Fuck this state. Fuck everything. And I left. I think I threw a water bottle. Yeah, you were very unhappy. I was I was not happy. And oh, no, because me I catastrophize in my head. So I was like going, Oh, my God, I've become the boom guy and I'm going to go anywhere I go. I kind of forgot because I had been on the virus tour long enough that to me a normal show was fucking 10,000 people. And I wasn't thinking like my next gig after that tour was at the punchline. It's like a cozy right 200 people and I can see everyone. You know, and so if anybody fucked with me, I could get them. And so anyways,

so I go back to the fucking hotel room, ready to quit the business and I air knock on the door and you came walking in and fucking talk me off the ledge. I remember that. I don't remember what we spoke about. I just remember you were very upset. And I knew why and you were like, they fucking and I was like, dude, they did it because they were trying to recapture a moment that they wanted to be a part of something that was very amazing to them as opposed to they hated you. You know what I mean? And I was convinced everyone was out to get me. The crowd, the show, live nation, everybody. I'm still convinced they're out to fuck me. I couldn't get on the oddball tour this year. I can't get on the oddball tour and they're doing fucking the tweeter center and

PNC. What's that? You've played half of those places. Yeah, and I can't get on the I couldn't get a fucking set on the oddball. Whatever, they'll have it next year. You know, this shit is guys like you and me, we always got to fucking, we always got to go the extra fucking whatever it is. It was always remember that when they were doing the half hours on on on Comedy Central or the whatever the fuck there was, it was always the guy with the silly hat, the person with the catch phrase, the hot chick, the fat guy, you know, the black guy who doesn't scare white people, they had to get through all of those. And then they also had to get the veterans that they fucked over on the last group of half hours, they have to give it to all of those fucking guys. And then and

then it was always us afterwards. I never did one for Comedy Central. I was so resentful over being passed over. I was like, Fredo, I just was like, fuck these guys, I'm not going to do it. And then I waited for it. I'm funny too. Yeah. Not like everybody says. Yeah, well, that's the way Doug wanted it. I wanted it. Yeah. So I wound up said, I want to hold up for HBO and that we finally did them for HBO and they were supposed to do four and they were going to be really these special half hours. And they want to do in 10 of them. And you know, I'm happy we did it. Yeah, I'm glad I held off for HBO. Yeah, you did. And you did the same year. The same year that I did it. Well, you oh, you want to okay, it was yeah, it was I taped with

Patrice, you tape with Kevin Brennan, right? I still remember that then Louis CK. Yep. Here's the thing. Here's the thing one time. You know, because I'm obsessed with trying to own everything I did. You know, I tried to buy my half hour back from HBO, but they wanted me to buy the whole I had to buy the whole fucking series. I had to buy like all 10 of them. How much they want? Oh Jesus, it was like, you know, in the millions. So it's just I mean, I was looking at like, well, it cost me 130 to shoot an hour. So I ought to be able to offer them 65 and they were like, no, you have to buy the whole season and like, you know, fucking, I don't know, some other thing to throw money at the Sopranos or something to get it. But I wish I had the money because but nowadays,

everyone just steals everything. Anyways, it's probably dumb. But when I was looking back at that, I'm like, that series is fucking insane. Yeah, that's you, Patrice O'Neill, Rest of Souls, the fucking greatest I ever saw. Louis earthquake flight, the Concords was one of the Concords was one. That's right. I forgot they were on it. They wanted me to do it with those guys. And I didn't want to I did one. And I was just like, you know, I think once what's his face bought delirious off of them, they were shy. They were got a little gunshot. Oh, he owns it now, Murphy. I didn't know that. No, what's his face coming up next? Comics Unleashed, that guy. Oh, Byron Allen. Byron Allen bought that motherfucking delirious HBO showed that fucking thing. And then they just when we were

kids, teenagers, and they just never showed it again. They had it in their library and somehow Byron Allen went in in there and bought it off of them. How much right? But I don't know what he paid for like a couple million bucks. And right before the whole DVD thing died, he put it out at like 1520 a whack and he sold like 4 million of them or something. Yeah. He's a genius guy. He is. And a lot of people don't really I don't like talking about people's money. But this fucking guy, it's like this guy, he has like three quarters Oprah money and people don't even know. Yeah, they just look at him like he's one of those guys like, you know, like, how Seinfeld sees a show where everybody else sees just hanging out. Right. He's one of those guys.

Like I saw Seinfeld on the Daily Show the other day talking to John Stuart. And they were joking how he was saying how he did TV, right? How he just did it. Did it once. It lives forever. And John Stuart, when he does an episode of the Daily Show, it's all topical. So no one's going to buy the box set of the fucking Daily Show. And Jesus, I'm taking the long way around here. So he was talking about the new TV show he's doing on the net, which is fucking comedians and cars getting coffee. And he said, which is what I would be doing anyway. Right. So Byron Allen was a guy took those press junkets when you were just like, what was it like to work with Steven Spielberg? Talk about Mel Gibson, blah, blah, blah, blah, all that. He actually saw a show. And then that's

where he came up with that coming up next thing. It was just a fucking press junkets. I don't know what's coming up next is that he would say coming up next. Jim Norton talking about the vice show that he's on and blah, blah, blah. And he turned that he turned that into a fucking TV show that comics unleashed is genius. It's literally just and it's the worst setups of all time. It's just do your act for three minutes of the clip. But it's fucking Gene and he produces the whole thing. He owns the whole fucking guy is a gene. Like he's like a hero mind as far as like the way he does like this business. He's basically for people from this is to going too quick here. He basically that show if you don't watch it, it's just Byron Allen sitting there with three or four other

comics. He already knows what your bits are. So you've already written the whole fucking show for him and all he does is just say you're set up. Like so, Jim, have you ever you ever lived in a fucking building in New York? And then you're like, as a matter of fact, I have. And the other comments on that drive because nobody's calling each other out. Like they're all like just participating like it is a really a good time we're having like, how can three comedians sit there and listen to a guy do a bit off that setup and not want to fucking attack them? Well, they can't do that because then they get sued by tough crowd. Yeah, you know what? I guess that's what that's what made tough crowd. Tough crowd was fucking awesome. That has such a such a cult following. Do you

know people stay asked me like just as much for first just a long time? Like when Chappelle show coming back, when's tough crowd coming back, those two shows had like these die hard fans. And I still don't. I don't understand. What about calling on getting that he got his own show and he gave every comedian in New York a TV credit? Yeah, just about. Like I was trying to, I remember towards the last season of that, I was trying to think of somebody who hadn't been on it. He got everybody on that show. I think he did. Yeah, it was Bobby. Bobby wasn't a regular on it, but Bobby was on it a couple of times. Bobby Kelly. Yeah. Well, I thought he was on it quite a bit. No, I don't think he was. I could be wrong about that. Maybe I think an opiate. I think he didn't

do opiate Anthony on any W. He didn't do that till we're on satellite. So maybe he was on tough crowd more than I thought. Right. But I remember him being talked about warm up for it at one point. He's like, I don't want to fucking warm up there. You know, man, Bobby gets. So I think that like, you know, he gets a very short fuse. So I think that he was on a few times, but I didn't, I don't think I ever did it with him. Right. He got mad at me too. He got mad at me because I don't remember that we went to Vegas. Like I remember we went to Vegas together, but not the actual fight. And he got very angry at me. I'm like, I'm like, yeah, that was your right. It's like, fuck dude, I know I was fucking there with you. I'm like, Oh, sorry. I can't make fun of

anybody for having a temper. But he's another guy who he's always had to go the extra fucking 12 miles. He's just one of those guys. He does got that short thing. I mean, one time I was walking down the street with him and he was taught, you know, we all just start complaining about the business. So he was complaining about the business and he was going to he was going to help me with the computer. He's great with the computer. So he was going to help me. And as we were walking, I used to live around the corner from him and I'm thinking, well, my computer's up on the, you know, the fucking whatever the seventh floor and he's on the ground floor and I'm thinking in my head, let me go up and get the computer and we'll take it over to his house. So as he's telling

like his, you know, fucking 20 the story about this business, I said, Hey, Bob, what if I kind of just go up and get that he just fucking snapped and he goes, don't interrupt me. Screamed it screamed it on 9th Avenue and like broad daylight. I mean, dude, like everybody fuck, you know, people looking in shit and I just looked at him like, and the old me would have taken the bait and I would have gotten to this big fuck you fuck you fight. And I don't even know if this is the new me. I just was not in, I don't know. I just wasn't in a place where I was mad or anything. He so came out of nowhere that I just kind of looked at him. I was like, Bob, I thought we kind of got past doing this to each other. And then he kind of laughed and it was gone, which he's

always been able to do as much as that guy flips the fuck out. He's able to bring it back down to be like, All right, dude, listen, dude, he's not a grudge holder. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he fucking that was like an instant Bobby classic. Don't interrupt me. That's what a great line echoing. I just like how he said it like I worked for him. Like I felt like you should have been behind some big walnut desk. Well, maybe we could do this. Don't interrupt me. I'm talking because you fucked this up, you know, makes me so happy. That makes me so that that's a fucking Bobby scream and I'm really happy that that happened to somebody other than me. He's a frightening guy when he fucking yells. I hate to admit it, but Bobby's a fucking maniac. He does scare me. I

would call him a maniac, but that's that's the old pot and kettle there. I'm out of my fucking mind, dude, like when I'm out here, I literally had to make a rule about just relaxing when I drive. And one thing that I helped is very therapeutic for me is letting people go. Right? If you're really like, and I get so frustrated with the quality of the driving out here, the inability to fucking make turns at a decent speed. And dude, when they go buy shit out here, the second they pass it, it's it, they don't even remember it. They have no, there's no fucking clue as for what's behind you. Like, you know what they do out here that fucking drives me now, you'll be behind some guy at a red light, you know, and you're up on his bumper, you know,

like you're supposed to be nothing crazy. And as the light turns green, he then puts his left fucking directional on. It's absolute enraging and it's self centered. And yeah, it's, it's, I'm with you. It's wrong that I fantasize about pushing him into traffic. And no, it's wrong that you don't have the moral courage to do it. I think that's totally, I think that's totally right. And whenever you hear about someone getting shot and killed for road rage, everyone first goes, Oh my God, that maniac that shot that person. And I honest to God, the first thing I think is I'm glad like until I find out the guy with the gun was the dick, right? Who fucked up first? I love that you have to find out that the guy with the gun was a dick. I know to find out that

until I find out the guy with the gun overreacted a little, but it's just something about because people are so self centered and narcissistic when they drive. It's a reflection of who they really are. So that's why we take it so fucking personally, man. Like you let people go. If the guy, if a guy doesn't wave, thank you to me. They don't do that out here. They don't do that out here. And I go from like being this fucking mother Teresa person. I turn into the devil. It starts, I try to stay calm. It starts with a couple of realies in my car. I just go really, really, really, you're not going to fuck these fucking people out here. I end up turning into that just because some douche, dude, do you see the look on their face? They're like, please, please, please let me

go. And you go to let them go. And you think like, Oh, hey, thumbs up something, nothing. They immediately just back into their own. I don't know. I find sometimes I wave at people out here and they look at me like weird, like, what do you know me? Like I maybe, you know, I did move 2,500 miles away from where I learned, you know, societal rules. So maybe, but you know, you just think if, you know, you're waving to another white guy, I mean, we're pretty fucking generic. Yeah. You know, there's not a lot of depth to the culture here. There's no gang signs. I can see black guys get a little freaked out, watching which way your fingers are turned. Well, plus East Coast, though, is so aggressive. And I hate to do like anything,

but out here, maybe that courtesy, like in Boston or New York, if someone lets you cut it, it's like, Hey, motherfucker, I did you a courtesy. Okay, thank you for the courtesy. Yeah, you're a good shit, though. Welcome, you're welcome. But here it's like, well, that was just expected because they might do that for each other more out here. It's not a big deal. That's the only way I can think of. I was in the Pennsylvania Turnpike one time driving to a gig. And I know I'm popping all over. I'm very self conscious talking. You're doing much better. But I don't have, I don't have anybody to help us out with this. Okay. I was driving to a gig and a guy cut into my lane. I was doing about 70. It was raining.

And he had a trailer. Which is normal. And I'm like, I'm hydroplaning. You know, it was a real real drive to it. My Mustang, real hunk of shit, fucking hydroplaning car, good call. And I'm driving and this guy's coming into my lane. And I immediately, your mind when you think you're going to die goes very quickly. And I'm like, okay, you got to slam on the brakes, you're going to have an accident, hit the wall, like it tried to, it's smart. Yeah, slow, slow yourself down, sideswipe the wall. So I jam on the brake, I hit the horn and he veers out and we don't have the accident. So then I'm not afraid. I'm in a rage at this fucking guy. Right. And I pull up next to him.

And it's a, it's a, you know, a fat black dude, like, you know, a family mopey guy. And I'm, I'm ready to really, you know, Cleveland from family guy. Actually, yes, William Stevenson. And he looks at me and he gives me the like, oops, I fucked up wave, like, oh, sorry. And he gives me that and every bit of anger drink. You can't cause he just owned up to it. I'm sorry. Sorry. Yeah. I weighed back. No problem. Yeah. That was it. In a second, my rage was gone. You know what's funny? I sometimes when somebody acts on the rage, even though I know it's wrong, I sort of live through the fucking ecstasy that that must be like, do you remember when

Russell Crowe threw the phone as a guy, I just can't imagine like when you're in a hotel and you're not getting the customer service you want on whatever it is that the fact that you actually take the machine that they won't help you with and fucking hurt somebody, the person who's not helping you, you fucking hurt him with it. Yeah. Completely wrong thing to do. But I can't imagine, I always was wondering like when he's letting that phone go just just fucking all that rage going at him. I think it was it was good for him. It was bad for the guy behind the behind the counter, buying the counter was bad. Two people learned a lesson that they Russell Crowe learned not to do it. The other guy probably learned better fucking customer service next time. Because I remember

when that happened, I was in the Greenwich Hotel in which De Niro owns. And I remember, like, Oh my God, that's a really nice place. It's beautiful. Like he would stay at a dive. What is stupid comment. But I remember thinking the satisfaction it must have felt when the phone hit the guy. Like how good that must have felt to throw that phone at that motherfucker. And again, he got in big trouble for that. But yeah, that was a story that you know how mad you are. You're pulling the wires out of the wall. And that voice is still not going Okay, what are you doing? What are you doing? And then you wrap it up, you leave your hotel, you're walking down the hall, you leave your room, you get into the fucking elevator, and your brain's still going Yeah, throw it at him.

Yeah, throw it at what happened. Well, I mean, he went downstairs to the front. I mean, I don't I was assuming you picked the phone up off the desk and just threw it up. Oh, I thought he was upstairs in his room. Maybe he was. But I thought I didn't I didn't I thought he just picked the phone up and threw it at the guy that makes way more sense. If I find out that he actually wrapped the cord and took the phone from downstairs, that makes me love him more. I was I loved him just for picking it up. I probably fucked it up. I fucked up everything. I don't know. You know, the other day I actually called the periodic chart, I called it the periodical. Yeah, but that's understandable. I mean, I was on break in bed. There's no excuse. That's like you're on a

you're on a Western, you call it a cowboy hat. How do you not fucking know it shows you the amount of fucking research I did. Dude, sometimes on Twitter, when you get trashed, it's just so fucking on the money. And I always read it to people just being mean to be mean. But when they call me out for all this stupid shit, it really it makes being on Twitter worth it. Because other than hyping your shows, it's usually just a bunch of people giving you shit with half the fucking information. Pause on that. They fucking and then it just becomes like, you know, it just becomes like, why am I on this thing? Because it'll literally put you in a bad move. And every once in a while, somebody like that guy waving, you know, in the car, he just gives you shit in

the right way. And it makes you fucking laugh. You retweet, they psyched you retweet them. And it just it becomes like, All right, I'm fucking cool with Twitter again. I have a piece of criticism. Somebody bashed me one time. I actually have it on my desktop. And I've opened it a few times and read it. It was just about like, you know, I used to love GM, but the guy made some valid points as to what I do wrong on the radio. And about how like, and I felt like constructive criticism. Yeah, but he was mad. But I actually felt like, Yeah, this is actually coming from a guy who is a fan, and who just thinks I've been quite a cunt for a while. And you know what, I read it and it just resonated with me like this guy is not wrong. I mean, I don't like what he said, but

like, very mature way of handling criticism. But yeah, I normally it's it's much more like rageful. I want to find out who they are. And you know, I get very, very angry. And this time it just it just got me right. I'm like, I know he's being honest. Yeah, he's like, I have been doing that. It feels exposing when some stranger just notices your fucking, your weaknesses and your crutches. I've had a couple of heckles like that, where they kind of put you in your place and you got to be like, you want to be like, What do you do for a living? That sucks. But you have to be like, I finally learned at one point. Oh, you know, something I actually learned about handling hecklers in a different way watching you. I did down at Caroline's it finally clicked.

I learned through watching you, you don't have to chop all their heads off. Sometimes they are ordering food. Sometimes they're just repeating a punchline like I saw I forget what you do. They were talking and you just kind of said something, what'd you say? Oh, okay. And you kind of like, you actually asked them what they said, I think that that's what it was rather than just assuming that they were trashing you saying that you sucked it because the amount of times I kept having this reoccurring thing where someone if anybody talked, I was convinced they were saying that I sucked. And they were making fun of how I looked at whatever, you know, it's the first eight, nine years of my career. And I would chop their heads off. And the amount

of times afterwards, people would come up to me at the end of shows going, I was just asking where the bathroom was, or I was actually saying I enjoyed your act and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I felt like I couldn't get out of it, man. I like I was locked in this, you know, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him kind of vibe. And then I was watching you and I was, it took me a while to learn how to do that. Well, I had one too. It's once in a while that happened at the cellar because that's such a loud, small area where you'll say something to say you'll hear somebody talking and I can always see if it's somebody ordering a drink and I leave it alone. You know, because it's a small room. But once in a while you'll hear talking and I've

had a few people like over the years go like, what would you say? I just think I think you're funny. I'm enjoying you. And then I just kind of now and then I repeat that I just kind of get the audience to laugh at me with it because it's like, all right, they all know I was about to attack the person. Yeah, you know, they all know that this was an almost heckle. So did you always do that? Or is that something? I think I learned it in a place called Arba Johns, which was a, it's where I first met Ari Spears back in like 1991 when he was going, his mom would bring him to open mics and he would do these robocop impressions. But he was too young to get in by himself. So his mother took him. And it was a Sheraton bar area. And I had just had felt a wave of depression.

I probably did that gig. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, East Brunswick, New Jersey. What did you start out here? I started March of 92. Okay, yes. So you might have was right around that time. Well, I started up in Massachusetts. And then I work I got down to New York. I probably did my first road gig out there and in 95, 96. But I remember going out to those some of those Jersey ones in those hotels. awful. Yeah, they were either great, or you just were driving home fucking, that's, you know, 1000 yards stair like, Oh, my God, what have I done? I remember doing one with Vinnie Brand and Bob leave you where there was a pool, I believe in between us and the audience. I'll never forget that gig. We were on one side was a holiday in

and it was in the pool area. And we were it was which is an obvious place for a comedy show. Wonderful place to try your art wet feet slapping by as you're trying to do your jokes. That was really bad. I remember Vinnie, or we were in the front. But I remember there was a pool, I think between us in the crowd. But in that arbitrage, I was I was smashing a heckler. Arbitrage. And nobody was laughing in the back. And then I realized like, Oh, they can't hear what is being said, right? Repeat what they say. Hey, it buys you a couple seconds and nobody knows you're doing it. Weirdly, how with the audience, we know we're like, you know, someone's like, you know, you suck, you're terrible. I suck and I'm terrible. It's like, you've just bought

yourself. Yeah, if you hit the price credit, priceless time. Yeah, yeah, it's really weird. Do you I don't know how to explain this to people. When people had to come up with that fan, I don't know. When you see a funny moment, I don't mean a written joke, but if someone slams you and you're great at fucking firing back immediately, like Donald Hammond said, he sees impressions as colors like a yellow or an orange, he can't explain it. When I see like slamming something as like it's like these weird choices you're making, they're kind of floating in front of you. Like you don't see the words. Is that why you're so because you got the fastest mind of anybody. When you sit at the table at the cellar, dude, when you is Patrice was like would just make you

fucking yeah, you'd start crying when he was the bet. But like as far as speed, like I thought Patrice a lot of times he would use his laugh to drown you out. Like he had all these different things. You would just sit there. I remember when you'd start looking at me, I was like, Oh, fuck, he's looking at me. He's looking. It was a different thing. Like with Keith, I felt Keith Robinson, Keith, you could get you could get a mitt in his face to try to throw him off. Like Keith, stop looking at me, blah, blah, blah. And that would make him forget what he was going to say. But you never forgot. And Voss, all you had to do is buy techniques for all you guys to survive the pond. Voss, all you had to do is lay on the ropes. And eventually he would say something

that bombed. And then it would come back on him. He always got bit. He would hit you one, two, three times. And then that fourth or fifth one would be so bad it bombed that everyone would then jump on him. So you never really had to get him back. Voss would Voss would be pounding you and pounding you. But he always got greedy and through a right hand lead. He really punch himself out, always punch himself out. But how do you see when you when you're whether it's a heckler or whatever, how do you I can't explain to people how that works? Like how do you think of a joke or a funny thing to say? It's almost like it's just like watching things float in front of you and you grab at them. I look at it more like, in the beginning, it was like, remember, like I have to

have these stock lines, right? Hey, where'd you learn how to whisper? Helicopter? Helicopter factory? Like what is that? They're already on. It didn't even make sense. And it always got a laugh. But it was more like those I had those stock lines. And then it became I was watching Greg Fitzsimmons. And I've told him this before in his show, I learned from Greg, where Greg would just ask him, like, Greg is fucking unbelievable. He's so good at fucking with people in the crowd. And one time we were playing this place, the the grill 93. And oh, my God, where was it was up? It was on route 93. Massachusetts? Yeah, it was not Arlington. That was where Dane was from. Springfield? I can't be no bigger than a I don't remember. And and over mass and over. There you

go. Yeah, the grill 93 and and over mass. And these two guys showed up with matching American flag shirts. And they sat in the front row. And Greg was so good at trashing people like I was either hosting or featuring. But me and the host or me and the feature, both said to Greg, Greg, we're not going to fuck with those guys. But you have to promise us that you're going to write at the beginning, go after him. And he goes, absolutely, absolutely. So we deliberately did not. And those guys wanted to get picked on. And Greg ended up going up there. And he just started telling this story. That just went all the way around the fucking bend to the point people like, What is he talking about? Some I brought around to be, you know, I mean, that would be like, I don't know,

like, wearing matching American flags shirts with your friends or something. And then he just pointed at the guys and opened his mouth like David Lee Roth, you know, when he looks at the back row, and it just fucking absolutely destroyed. I saw one time at the Kowloon, he fucking he by that it was like Hannibal Lecter should he could tell by the shoes the guy was wearing. He guessed the guy's name and four guesses. He guessed his job. The table the guy was sitting at was going nuts. And it was just all and of course, his name was horrible. His job was horrible where he lived was horrible. He started did a little vignette of their family. Like he's unbelievable at doing stuff like that. So so that's funny. When people ask me, you know,

who your influences? Well, you know, as much as it was the the greats that you listen to, people don't understand that not only did you learn, you know, I was watching a tell CK and all those guys who were beyond me, but I learned watching guys that were, you know, breaking in at the same time. Sure. Sure. Yeah, we're starting to because I a lot of times you would you were you would get yourself into the same situation that a more seasoned guy wouldn't and I would watch you get out of it and be like, Oh, that's I never thought to do it that way. Right. That's how you get that's how you take it and stop it before it goes off the cliff and the whole because I realized too that a lot of times I would lose crowds by hitting too hard.

Like, you know, a guy throws up something that deserves a four. It's almost like in you go right to I hope you get aids. Yeah, right to him. Yeah. What's that? What's that? Do you fucking why you can't like what this totally unnecessary? Like, and the crowd hates you for it. So it's like, the worst is when someone's heckling you in the front. I'll never forget this guy heckling me at rascals. I was a new comic, but even back then I knew this guy was being a twat because he was he was heckling me. And it wasn't horrible shit that he was saying, but it was his eyes like I knew he's the fucking that scumbag in the office who's resentful that he's not up here getting laughs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the audience can't see it. So I was pounded

him and I really ruined his night and the crowd hated me for because they couldn't see what a dick he was. But you know how like, you know, you just know, yeah, of course I do. And you can always tell me that mistake a zillion times. I'll never never regret doing it though. It's like that's 25 years ago. It's my first year of comedy. And I still feel good that I wrecked that piece of shit tonight because I knew he was coming at you know, I saw I remember I was at the punch line in Atlanta and I had a guy like that and all I can remember about what he looked like was he had loafers with no socks and he had fat feet. So it was like the do the bulging out the front and he kept putting his feet on the stage. So I made the joke to take him, you know, to take

him off or whatever. And is, you know, because he really, you know, had he just was fucking annoying me. And it was just the fact that he kept putting him back. I knew that it wasn't Oh, I'm sorry, I just need to stretch my legs out. There was some sort of power things going you breathe it into the mic. There was like a power thing you hear. There was like this power thing going on with him and it literally escalated to the point that they had to kick him out. And when he stood up, he made sure he got on the stage and took like half a step towards me. And he was just, you know, this little fucking, I don't know, he probably was doing well in business and he was used to people telling not, you know, telling other people what to do and

whatever. Here we are. Now we're sitting here talking about the process. I want to make sure that I get to the whole reason why is a fancy man like yourself out here in, uh, in Los Angeles? Do you got it? Are you, are you, are you working on something? What's going on? Well, my, thanks, Bill. My advice show is, uh, coming on and, uh, you know, I just had to come out and plug it. It's hard to plug. No, it isn't. That's great to what tell me about the show. I'm happy about it to do it. Like it's an interview show. So I talked to, you know, I do a monologue. I mean, I feel ashamed whenever I explain things. Why? I don't know if that whatever makes me a comic is that that fucking shame thing. Colin described it as shame. It's

finally, um, it's hosting a talk show and it's, I always wanted to do it. So I hosted, uh, I did four episodes and a monologue, a sketch. You're hosting a talk show? Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking great. Yeah. I'm happy, man. It's, uh, my first guests are, are, were, were Tyson and Dana White together. Then it was awesome. And it was like a really good interview. And I was like, wow, man, that went well. I've never seen, and I mean this in a good way. I've never seen him give a guy like you a talk show. They don't, that's great. Yeah. Cause usually it's, you know, they usually tell him, you know, if you're doing a talk show, Hey, Jim, kind of tone it down a little. So what, what, uh, what channel is it on? It's on vice.com. It's, you know, it's, uh, it's online, which is

kind of where I wanted it. And now can you curse and stuff? Total content freedom. Oh, I had total content freedom. Um, Bailey J is my co-host. Um, and she's kind of like my announcer, do you know Bailey? Yeah. Lovely girl. And, uh, you know, so I think it's, I think it turned out was Bobby's suggestion. It's like, dude, you got to get Bailey involved. And, uh, I think it's, I think it's, oh, Bailey J, the, uh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. What the fuck was I thinking of? I interviewed, uh, you know, I interviewed freeway, Rick, you know who that, the drug dealer, the X drug dealer? No, that's a great name. Oh, that's us. That sounds like a 70s black guy nickname. It is. It is. He did 20 years. Yeah. He did. And he was a big deal in the 80s. He was like with

the Iran Contra, uh, scandal. Like he was buying the guy he was getting his drugs from was, was funneling money to the Contras. And then, uh, you know, Rick went to jail for, he had life without parole, but he's out now in a technicality because they, there's like a three strikes thing or whatever, but they charge them twice. So who optioned the rights for this fucking great movie? You know what? Somebody's got to own them. No one. Michael K. Williams is playing him in something. And, and, and there's a, the reporter who broke his story is being played by Jeremy Renner. And I think the reporter committed suicide because people laughed at him. The whole Iran Contra thing and the drug connection and the CIA put money in the black neighborhoods. We had T. I. I. Wait a minute.

They laughed at him. So he, the reporters back then, they didn't think he was right. Like I think when he was talking about the government, the CIA allowing drugs into these ghetto neighborhoods, how bad did they laugh at him? He must have been getting. Yeah. Yeah. He expected a Pulitzer. They were like, were they hanging him from his press undies every day from the typewriter? They keep picking on me, man. I can't take it. I swear to God, there's a connection. They're letting the drugs come in. I fucking feel it. Yeah. And then he wound up blowing his brains up or being proven right. We thought T. I was, T. I was on a week before I interviewed big Ross and we were like, that sounded kind of paranoid. Those are great guests. Well,

the T. I was on open Anthony, not on whatever, but he was talking about the, the, the drugs wouldn't look like that person. I don't know. It sounded a little bit conspiracy. And then Rick Ross did the same thing. I'm like, fuck this. Yeah, I was right. Like I've heard it from too many different sources that the CIA apologized. It was really interesting. So he was a good interview. And then I did a couple of comedians and you know, hopefully we'll do more. No, dude, I, you gotta, when's, when's this coming out? This Wednesday, July 23rd. And I can't say what time like, I guess when, when are they going to upload it? I don't know. I'll just Twitter it. I'm not sure that, you know, it's like, they, I don't know how this one works.

Like I'm used to doing promotion for stuff. Like I know exactly what day it's on. I know exactly what time it's on. Right. The first episode is being released in two parts because it's, you know, it's like a 45 minute interview plus 20 other minutes of content. So it's like one day and then the next day and then they can watch the whole thing. Yeah. That sounds like a great, great guess. And then, you know, sidekick, nobody has anybody like Bailey Jay. That's great. And then usually a guy like you doesn't get, you guys, they usually, you're usually the guy the way they're like, all right, you know, just tone it down, tone it down. So let's see a real, I can't say I don't want to insult anybody, but like somebody, my taste, actually going out, doing a

monologue and that type of stuff that you're going to pick on. That's fucking awesome, man. It felt so nice to not have to tone it down because in one of the episodes, I just did a bunch of sterling stuff, which I've been doing on stage, but it's like, how long is that going to be, you know, good, right? And he was a fun one. Oh, God, I hope he lives forever. I hope with my angle on it still because my specials coming out and I was able to turn that into something like I'm hoping the point that I'm making is still relevant. Is there anything worse than when you shoot something and it winds up something happens in the meantime, which dates the reference or the bats? Yeah, no, but it happens because this is, I think sometimes I try not to overthink

that thing where, you know, if you even a guy like Richard Pryor talked about the heavy weights of his time, because, you know, there's some comics to like, you know, don't do anything, wear anything that's going to make you look fucking, you know, in three years, like cutting edge fashion, like take a like Sinbad, like some of the stuff that that guy wore, you know what I mean? Like some of just in general, some of the shit from the early 90s, late 80s, early 90s was pretty out there. So some people try to go just wear black on black, very kind of simple thing and and then don't do anything topical because it's going to date your special. And it's like who gives a fuck cares. Yeah, I know if it's a great joke, it's a great joke. Like that prior one, I forget he's talking

about the old retired black fighter who was refereeing in the ref. One of the fighters was beating a shit out of a white guy. And he just he was joking that the guy wouldn't stop and oh shit, he looks okay, whatever. And that's still funny. Yeah, it's still fucking funny. So I think if the joke is there, it let's see, I'm trying to convince myself. What did Pryor say? And it's what it was a Jerry quarry joke, right, about it was something that how he just he just loves black people beating him up. And it made me laugh so hard. And it was 40 years after he said it, it doesn't matter Woody Allen stuff. He does references from the early 60s. It's hilarious. Carlin opens one of the specialist, you know, the Reagan people, I don't care. I learned who

Jerry quarry was through Richard Pryor. I didn't know who James Brown was until Eddie Murphy did the bit. I was that fucking white, like the world I was living in. And people be like, how the fuck did that? How did you not know who he was? And it was like, well, my parents were that fucking white. And then there was three channels, you know, right? And there was no internet. And it was like, you know, I knew who the fucking Jefferson's were. I mean, that was like the only thing that was on TV, it seemed a good times. But as far as stuff like that was really difficult for a guy like him, even when he became an icon. You know, I just saw recently, he did like the Mike Douglas show, he did some shows, but I mean, I was a little kid. So I just didn't see him. So I remember

laughing at the Eddie, I told Charlie the story and he was beside himself. He was almost offended. He goes, get the fuck out of here. Fuck that. You knew who he was, your parents knew who he was. I didn't. I didn't know who arguably the greatest performer of the last century was. Do you see James Brown and Pavarotti? They get us, they did, it's a man's work together. How awesome. It was unbelievable. Unbelievable. They really liked each other. It was a really, I love stuff like that. Yeah. When they like, to me, that that's a mashup. Like I don't like when they just take two songs out of the same tempo when it's supposed to blow my fucking mind. It's like, yeah, well, if you get two songs at the same speed, you drop some shit out and you throw

some shit in, right? Not that I could ever figure out how to do it. No, I couldn't. There is a genius to it, but I still resent it the same. I understand hating it. Like I respect it. It's hard to do, but fuck them. It stinks. All right, everybody, here's the advertising for this week. I apologize for the bad edit. I just interviewed Jim on like Friday or something when he was in town. And, you know, we just did it straight through without the advertising because I didn't have it yet. So now I'm in my house. It's like 730 Monday morning and my wife is still sleeping. So I got to I got to reading this creepy voice. So you're gonna have to fucking deal with it. All right, you just fucking deal with it. This is going to be my voice. Dollar Shave Club, everybody,

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developed by top attorneys to provide self-help services at your specific direction, but they are not a law firm. Legal help is furnished through vetted independent attorneys. LegalZoom.com, discount code Burr, B-U-R-R. Did you ever try an instrument when you were growing up? No, I didn't. I'm not musical. I used to draw. I wanted to be an artist. I would draw like, I was obsessed with kiss or I would draw pictures of kiss. I could never draw hands. That's always the thing. My hands were terrible, so every character. Don't you just do the three-finger thing? No, I put the hands behind the back. I really would. Everyone had hands behind the back. I couldn't, I could not grasp. That's what makes an artist.

If you can draw hands, you could probably draw anything in the world. Hands in a possibility. Really? Try drawing someone's hand. It's fucking hard. I think the face is hard. Yeah, it can be, but I can, I could work out a face. I could do, I would, it would be a little off. You know what I mean? Like it was, it was like rocky Dennis-ish sometimes, but at least it was a face. Little bell palsy. Yeah, yeah. It was all right. I always, when I, when I tried drawing, I just, I just remember was everybody was always jacked. Whoever I drew, like the one body type I could draw would be like fucking jacked and everybody had the same goddamn nose, but I don't know. There's actually a show out here that I'm doing coming up where there's a live band

and it's, you know, I want to do the show. It's fucking cool where it's like you go out and you just sort of riff about music and that type of thing. And then when, when, when you're done with your set, you then go and jam with the band. However you want to do it, you can sing a song and they'll learn the song beforehand or whatever instrument you play. Is that your idea or someone's No, no, no. This is somebody else's idea. I hope I didn't say that and everybody's going to steal the idea, but it's fucking, I'm going to be doing it coming up. Man, it's going to be fun as shit though. Well, you have balls to do that. That would scare me. Yeah, but what I've learned is, I don't mean yet like I got balls. What I've learned is that there comes a point when you get something

down anywhere in life. You got your gig down. If you don't keep learning, you don't keep pushing yourself to try to be like, all right, whatever I'm doing, how do I get better at this? I was equated to like, I don't know, basketball, if somebody's even, I don't fucking play. But like, you know, he always goes to his right and you got to learn to go to your left. He sucks on defense. I got to get better at defense. It's that whole thing. Like I read this whole, this great magazine out about Jordan, how we just kept working and working and working and working and working in like, you can literally read the article and not be a Jordan, but just apply that and work and work and work and work. So for me, I'm really comfortable being a stand-up,

but I'm not comfortable playing drums necessarily out in public or whatever. So over the years, every time I get a chance to sit in, I would sit in and just go through, you know, it's just like you go back to being an open micro. I think there's like an ego thing that's involved that once you're good at something and people know you're good, you're embarrassed to kind of stink at something a little bit. So you're like, oh, I don't want to do that. It takes like, I don't know, it's a balance of the balls to try it and then also still be fucking around to be like, listen guys, I know I'm not a professional drummer or whatever. So we can handle bombing on something like that because as a commerce, you kind of learn, right? Like I know how to be funny if I'm sucking at something

or I know how to own it. Like if you own something so completely, people kind of like, all right, well, what are you gonna, right? He's owning that he's not a good drummer or singer. So yeah, if you go out, yeah, if you go out there and you just you're acting like a fucking idiot and you're having a good time, then they don't have to worry like, like I just don't want the crowd at any moment to have that thing like, Oh, wait, is he like serious here? Does he like feel like he should be in a band? I don't. Okay, for anybody, for anybody concerned, I do not. You're a good actor, though, man. You're a really good actor. I finally, I finally went through Breaking Bad and we interviewed everyone on that show and I'd never seen it. We had Cranston, we had fucking,

the guy called Hank, we had the Skyler, everyone. And then I finally watched it and you're so good, you didn't take me out of it. Like, you know, I know you so well and whenever you see like a close friend in something, and man, I was like, fuck, that's Bill. And then right into the character, it was really fucking good though. I didn't think I'd seen you since I'd finally watched Breaking Bad. I'll, I'm learning to take compliments, but I will say that show, the way it was done, all you had to do is memorize what they say and hit your marks and they handled the rest, dude. They just, it was, I don't know how to equate it. Pick a great fucking sports team and you're coming off the bench. It's like somehow you can end up wearing a ring, you know? Right, right, right, yeah.

It'd be one of those guys, that awful white guy dancing that Shaq used to make fun of whenever the Lakers would win it. Like that's who I was, who I was on Breaking Bad, but it was, it was fun and and you know, what scene are you most nervous doing? Were you, because I remember the first time I saw you with Cranston, you, I think were you in a car? No, the first time I, I had a scene with him and I was so excited because, dude, I was a fan of that show from the very beginning. Oh, okay. From the pilot episode. So I was so invested in the show and, and couldn't wait for the next season. So to all of a sudden be on it, interacting with these fucking characters, it was, it was like you got sucked into your TV and then fast forwarded into time. Right. So there

was this, I always said, I felt like I want a radio contest or something like, you know, do you want to play a stormtrooper in the next Star Wars and stand next to Darth Vader? I always felt that when I was there and I would have been happy just getting one of them. And the fact that they kept bringing me back and the fact that, you know, Vince Gilligan used so many standup comics to get back to your thing when the question, the first scene I did with Cranston was, was after, I'm trying not to ruin it for anybody because everybody, you know, you know, spoiler alert. When does that run out? You know, but we'd shaken down this guy for money and he got hurt. So we had to go talk to the lawyer Saul Goodman. So it was me and LaVell Crawford. He played Hugh. I didn't

realize that was LaVell Crawford. I knew his name. He was fucking unreal on this show. Yes, he was good. I didn't realize he was a comedian too. That's right. So we had this little bit that we were doing at the top, this whole act of God thing. And then Brian Cranston character bursts in. So our thing was we jump up and sort of make sure that he's not coming for Saul. And it's all tells us to screw. And I was so excited that I was actually going to be in a scene with Mr. White because Mr. White, to me, it took everybody, I don't know how long, like three, four season for the entire country, but for diehards like myself, like he was, you know, I've never had a guy like a character that followed that I was rooting for

so hard. And then all of a sudden he took this fucking turn. He took this turn where I kind of felt weird about rooting for him. And then I was just started watching going like, dude, what are you doing? Just turn yourself in, just stop blah, blah, blah. And it was it was like literally watching literally watching like someone you loved, like you knew like a family member rooting them on and being making excuses for him. And what's he supposed to do to guy? He's sick. He's not giving him any fucking put his diamond, you know, that type of shit. And then somewhere, you know, you know, I don't know after how many fucking murders and just some of the shit that he started doing to Jesse that it started to it started to turn. And it was it just was unreal

to be, you know, I've lucked out. I've really lucked out where I've gotten to be a part, very small part of some some pretty amazing things because my IMDP pages is a pretty quick read. But um, I gotta tell you, I like I've always liked the shit you've done like the stuff you did. And spider man, I wish I wish I could have seen that whole fucking rant you did, even though I just, you know, I don't like him any stinks, but you you were really in it. And they had you in the back of that truck. You just look like this New York guy who was dropping off something. And you were fucking pissed. I know you're gonna shit on your acting, but I loved it. No, no, no, no, but I'm going to point out this is why Bill's a good friend. And this is why I love Bill. Because

honestly, you you had a part in what is tremendous. It's one of the culturally biggest events. How bad would Keith be trashing us right now? Keith doesn't know how to be nice about anything. Oh, I'm going to tell you about Keith. And he came in with that fucking Pete. He came in with a Dave Chappelle shirt. Other than I from Oh, no, he's wearing a Chappelle at Radio City and me and Colin are at the table. And we're like, Oh, you fucking fat fanboy. And we just attacked him. And he sat down for five minutes and he goes, I'm going to change the shirt. And he got up and he left the comedy cellar and he came back with a button down shirt over. And that's the second time in my life I've been able to chase him

out. I remember one time he ran out with this shirt. I was there that night. I forget what he ran out that puffy white awful. It looked like a bedding shirt that he had on and I beat him so terribly. And he he hung in there for like two rounds, three rounds. And then it was just and then he stood up and ran out. And I remember being pissed being like, you can fucking do that. I didn't know you could leave. I never thought to leave like that pounding. I took the bus pounding, which is one of the all time class. You guys literally did a headlining set. You did 45 minutes on me when I was going to do. Oh, that was it. That was it. We were both going to do it. No, no, Estie. Estie, whatever the fuck it was, Estie, somebody approached the comedy cellar,

these Atlanta brave fans. And they said, I'm back. So no, no, it was the Braves. And they said, you know, they were taking a bus from Manhattan up to Yankee Stadium. And they wanted to hire a comic for the bus ride up. And at the end of it, they were going to give you a World Series ticket. So we sat there going, man, that's going to be brutal. I don't know. But all of that type of shit. And I forget what happened at the last without me knowing, you said, you know what, I'm not fucking doing that. That's bullshit. Right. And I didn't know it. So I agreed to do it. And then we sat down and we started trashing each other. And this is this is what you started it. I fucking go, I said this to you, I made funny your shirt, but blah, blah, and I was getting you

and everyone was laughing. And you know that thing at the table, you're like, Oh my God, I'm winning. I'm winning. I'm finally winning here. And then as they're all laughing, you just lean in, you go, whatever, bus boy. And the whole table stopped and went, what? And you said, Bill Burr is going to do stand up on a bus on the way to all fucking chairs turned at me. That's the funny and dude, all the killers were there. You, Patrice, Voss, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart was there. Keith was there. 45 minutes. I didn't say a word and just got pounded. And then and I was still going to do the gig. Because to me, that was an easy gig. Sure. All I had to do was shit on the Yankees the whole way, make fun of fucking New York and say that Atlanta was better.

Say that I was a Red Sox fan. I would have been fucking shotgun and beers with them. It would have been a joke. But I ended up not doing the gig, which a lot of people don't know. I didn't do the gig because Patrice and the end of it, dude, you guys were trashing me so bad, like strangers were either laughing or they were going, oh, I'm trying to think of some of the great ones. Patrice imitating me. Oh, Patrice goes, Hey, when they call you on on stage, he goes, are you going to come out of the bathroom or are you going to walk up those little steps? I remember all of them. He had another one where he was, he was imitating me at the end of the show. This is a visual. So I'll have to explain it. I finished. I'm in the front of the bus. I go,

Hey, thanks a lot. You guys are great. And then he imitates me turning around, sitting down. And then as people are walking by, reaching over my show, good show, good show. I'm going, Hey, thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. Reaching over my shoulder. They asked, you guys asked if I was going to use the, the, the bus driver's microphone to do the show. I was going to bring my own dude. Every joke was just funnier than the next one. And it was never ending. I took this fucking brutal pounding, but I was still going to do it. I was like, fuck these guys. I'm a sports fan. I want to go to the game. I don't give a fuck. So in the end, you guys had all left and it was just me and Patrice sitting there and he just goes, Bill, he goes, you're

making enough money at this point. If you want, if you want to go to the game, buy a fucking ticket. All right. He goes, dude, I will, he called me the N word. He said N word. He goes, I will stand in front of that bus. So you don't do that gig. Do not do that fucking gig. And it was the first time I ever thought of like, you know, like self-esteem, like why not just blow the cash and actually have a little dignity? Cause you just come into this business doing like those Jersey Turnpike gigs and all that shit that you don't, you just feel like I need to learn how to do this. So I didn't do the gig and I actually passed the gig off to somebody else and I had taken such a bad pounding. I said, listen, I'll never tell anybody, I'll never tell anybody who I gave

this gig to. And I think the person who did it, didn't they come in and say who it was? I believe I'll tell you when we're done. Cause I mean, it doesn't matter now. It's fun. It doesn't matter now, but I, I don't think he would care. I passed it on. Not at all. No one would feel bad. That's a, that's a many, many years ago and he'd probably be loved to be associated. I asked him what it was like and he, he told me later, I go, what was it like? He goes, I'll do it. He goes, it was brutal. It was brutal. He goes, but the second it was over and I had that world series ticket dude, he ran away from those people and it's hilarious. It was their ticket. So then you just sort of sat next to them. So he kind of couldn't leave them, but I'll never forget that.

That was, that was another turning point that I learned from someone who I started with was to have self-esteem. Like at some point you can say no, like I'm not, you know what, I'm making enough money here in the city. It wasn't, I was making great money, but I was making enough money that if I wanted to blow, I mean, how much was this world series ticket four, five hundred bucks back then just sitting in the upper deck to not stand on a bus. You fucking moron and humiliate yourself. So you know those gigs teach you to like, like the seller is getting pounded so terribly. Like I get beaten so badly sometimes. I'll get a Bobby or Keith and Colin and you know, when they're all attacking you, there's times where I'm a comedian for over 20 years and I find myself still answering

seriously. Like when they're killing me, I'm like, well, no, that's not exactly what happened. Like I'm getting beaten up so bad that I know I'm helpless. I'm fucking, I'm turning into like my girlfriend when I'm annoyed. Like, you know, that's not accurate at all. It's so, it's cleansing though to get a beating like that. It's, it's like, you know, one of my favorite ones watching you taking a beating was that time when you were on the date and Patrice was yelling over at you and you weren't talking back to him and he started and you, you had just started opening for dice and you were thrilled, you're a hero and you guys were hanging out and Patrice started imitating dice talking to you in the character during the day and you were sitting in the corner trying to

ignore him and Patrice was all the way across the restaurant and he's going, hey, Jim, let's go to the mall. Oh, and we were all fucking crying, laughing and you finally had to give into it, man. Like those are the things what I loved about it and like, I love watching your date kind of keep hearing the name Jim and hearing us laughing and slowly figuring out like, is he talking about you and you trying to stay in the date for an excruciating five minutes dude? Fuck, I miss that guy man. I remember one time I was, I would always come in off the road and not sleep. I would be done with usually dice on Saturday nights or Sunday morning at fly home with no sleep and I wasn't doing radio at that time, so Sunday nights I'd be loopy and go out at the cellar

on no sleep and I always had good sets because I'd be creative, so I'd be overtired and I would come in, we played chess every night there, I would play with Keith. I remember you were good too, man. I stunk. You are a little circle, yeah, but I mean compared to a real chess player, I'm a fucking, I'm a champ, but I mean, you know, in our little, the me, you, Bobby. Yeah, you were like reading the Bobby Fisher book, you were into it dude. Yeah, yeah, I do enjoy him. He's quite a character. I was getting, I remember I was, because Keith was such a shit talker, like he's like a, he's like one of those fucking bums in the park, like they're like master level players because they're all homeless and they play for drinks and they play for food, so they're real players, but Keith,

you know, you move your queen. You do that stupid thing with his fingers, like he was sprinkling salt. Like he's sprinkling salty, picking up, ah, let's see what kind of panty she did and I would like literally be non-comedian guy. Quit touching my fucking piece, man. Oh, you gotta, you gotta re-explain that to the listeners. Keith, what Keith Robinson would do when he knew he was closing in on your queen? He would reach over and pick it up and be like, ah, what color panties is she wearing and set it down? Like he was just touching your piece. Talking to you. Oh yeah, I was annoying as shit. And I remember one time Patrice pulled my chair out after I had lost. I had lost and I was so fucking overtired and cranky and he wanted to play Keith, so he had winners and I lost and he

was just such a dismissive, pull my chair out and move me. With you still sitting in it? I was, of course I was. And he dragged me out and I was so mad, I went, don't touch my chair. Like I'm fucking a grown man and that's my comeback. Don't touch my chair. Like ugh. And how long did you get pounded for that? I was just an awful night and that was a bad night. I was overtired, I sucked and yeah, that was. You know, the worst was the carryover. The carryover, trashing where there was so much meat left over on the bone, you'd come back the next night. Hey, the fucking chair guys. You sit down, dude, don't touch his chair. Like, oh, sometimes I think about those days and I was just like, it's fucking hilarious and it's a goddamn tragedy. We never sat down

and wrote anything. We took all of our comedic skills and just used them to humiliate each other. Yeah. We just sat there, but it all worked out, didn't it? I guess so. Those moments made, I think, made every one of us a better comic, a thicker skin comic because then you're on stage in front of 10,000 people and getting an unfair booing. That was when we first started on K-Rock and you had been not, the XM listeners loved you, but the K-Rock listeners didn't know you as well at that point because it was a new thing and you had been away and they're booing you and you pull out this fucking, one of the great moments of stand-up that I've ever witnessed, which was just turning 10,000 Philadelphia fucking monsters and they're the worst crowds in the world that I like you

and you turned them. You did the impossible. That's like years of that. I lucked out the sports thing. There was enough Jersey and New York sports fans, the Patrick Division and whatever, ML, the National League, East or whatever. There's enough Metz fans that hated the Phillies. There's enough fucking fans that everybody hates the fucking Flyers, except the Philly fans. So I was able to do that. But what was funny was I actually, when I finished that set, I felt bad because you had to go on next and I was like, Oh God, you know what, comic burns down the room. And that was basically, that was not it. Like you can burn down the room. I feel as the headliner, but to burn down the room when there's another guy going up on basically your showcase night, I was sitting there. I thought

you were going to be mad at me. And I was, and you went out, never addressed what just happened, went right into your act and fucking smashed them. Yeah. I mean, again, they knew me though. It was like the terrestrial crowd knew me. So I had that, you know, it was kind of like, you know, they were expecting me to come out. But I felt that if that show had occurred six months after that, when that crowd knew you, that never would have happened. That was just, that was a really weird transition time. But what you did with that crowd, I mean, yeah, it was the sports knowledge, but it was about the ability to pull that out in front of all those people because it took a while. They didn't just start. Well, you know what? I had been booed before a couple. I've got booed

on a Vegas show. And I didn't leave, but I didn't know the first time you get boo, dude, is fucking unreal. It's like, it's the weirdest experience because you have exactly what you want, the total focus of the crowd, but the exact opposite emotion. Right. I've always compared it to like, you know, when they do the reverse echoes on those zeppelin things to make it seem like you're in hell, like the echo comes first before your voice. That's like sort of the standup version of that, where it's like they're cheering, but they're booing. It's the most fucked up thing. And and I remember after getting booed, just fucking walking through the hotel, going back to my room, and I started thinking about people in the crowd. And it's like, all right, Bill, you got boo, but

you let that guy boo you. You let that woman with that awful dress, that guy with the big head, you could have at least said that it was just so shocking the first time it happened. And also, I, you know, I did a lot of those, the uptown rooms that they call them the black. Yeah. So you kind of had to get, you know, I was in fighting shape. So it's somehow, I just remember OPI coming through the curtain, OPI and and I think he had his glass of red, white and OPI just came walking through and it was just like, he said, he goes, I was one for the ages, bro. And just came walking out. What was funny was you went out and killed. And the second that was done, that was the end of the show. And then they brought me back out for the curtain call.

And I got booed again. It's half clapping, half booing. And I remember there was this dude who ran up to the stage and he was going, Bill Murray screaming, he's going, fuck you, fuck you. And I'm going, what? And he's, he's given me the finger. He's going, fuck you, fuck you. And I kept going, what? It's like, you're giving me the finger. How do I not know? I just kept going, I can't hear you. I literally got him hopping mad. He was jumping up and down screaming, giving me the finger. I just kept going, I can't, I kept to cupping my ear like I can't hear you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And it just, I just laughed at him. And that was still, that was the end of it. And I remember I rode back with Bobby Kelly. And I had a fucking splitting headache

after it. And I just remember riding back with Bobby and, and he was just laughing going, dude, do you realize you just told 10,000 people that go fuck themselves? And I was dreading it because I was like, fuck, I know somebody filmed that because I thought when it got on the internet, I knew comics would appreciate it, but I didn't know that I didn't know fans would get it if they that they would just be like, oh, you got booed, you sucked, you know, fuck this guy, hi, hi, everybody laughing at you and shit, because, you know, can kind of go, can kind of go either way, but whatever. I, I, we're here for you here. No, no, no, no, that, that to me was, uh, that was a fascinating thing to watch because it was legitimately funny stuff. It wasn't like you

were obnoxious and got the crowd. Like you were really pounding them like a comic. Like that's what was so fun about it. If you had just taken your pants off and waved your cock at them, and I got right. Any, any, it could, well, you know, fucking hilarious though, but that would have been much better obviously. But I mean, that, that was, that would have been like instant legend. But the fact that you got them, I saw a guy do that. Did you? I'm not going to say because I don't want to get them in trouble, but I saw, uh, when I was doing late nights at the cellar, do you remember how they used to have that water pipe? They used to hang just, and this guy used to go up, he's a fucking mad man and he used to fucking hang from that pipe by one arm and he had

this crazy look on his face. He looked like Charles Manson. I'm trying to let you know who this guy was, right? So he went on stage and he's doing his fucking thing and like really just one of these great comics where like just the pain of whatever he went through is right there on the surface. So if anybody moves, he's going to cut their head off. So there was some woman who was all fucking dressed up or something sitting, you know, she's in her fifties and she's not laughing and he just keeps looking at her and he just finally just starts going like, isn't that right, mom? Huh? Mom? Mommy? And he got in her face and he finally just goes, mom and screamed in her face and she got like mad and she goes, uh, she started giving him shit and he said like, lady,

if you got to the point, it's like, lady, if you don't shut up, I'm going to take my dick out and slap you in the face with it and she goes, you don't have the balls and he goes, oh, I don't have the balls and he starts unzipping his pants. The crowd is going fucking nuts because they think he's joking and he fucking pulled his dick out, his dick out and he had it by the shaft and just his fucking purple head is coming up and he made these machine gun noises went right in her face, dude, fucking place went ballistic, fucking ballistic and he ended his set there. I hope so. And Wanda, who was hosting at the time up and coming, Wanda Sykes, I think she was the host, fucking outro to him and then brought me up. Was it Wanda? Wanda hosted one of the fucked up ones.

I can't remember. So brings me up and I had to go on after him and I was still new to New York and I was, I was already going to bomb and he took his dick out and shook it in this fucking woman's face and dude, I can't even tell you how hard I ate it and I was too green. I didn't know to be like, just riff about the guy taking his dick. Dude, I went up and tried to do my act. I went up and I immediately went up and like, gee, it's been raining a lot here in New York City. It just, it just completely flatlined. Yeah, it's like walking into a party and not acknowledging what's just been happening. Yeah, it was awful. Yeah, I think I know who you mean, man. Yeah, there you go. Well, listen, we're, we're a little over an hour. Dude, I can't tell you how excited I am. Thank you,

Bill. To see it. And once again, promoted. It's going to be this Wednesday, July 23rd is the premiere episode with Dana White and Mike Tyson and my guests. And I think people will like it. I'm actually really happy with it, which is rare. Dude, I'm as excited to see the monologue as I am. Just to see a guy like you, because I always wondered, I always wanted like, you know, you ever be like doing a bit and you're just thinking, that'd be a great monologue, Joe, because it's topical. Like say you're clippers guy stuff, you know, which I haven't seen, which I know is going to be fucking great, but like, I can't imagine like, seeing that kind of thing rather than just being like the safe, right, sort of looks like there's going to be two empty seats,

courtside, come tonight and the clippers. Right. I mean, some of the some of the monologues, it's like, are you even fucking trying? Anyways, that's the special podcast here with Jim Norton. Dude, I'm glad I finally was able to get you on this. I appreciate it. I'll see you up in Montreal and try to drag my hungover ass out of bed and come down and do the now opiate Jimmy show. Yes. I am doing the keynote speech too. So it should be a real gentleman's affair. Oh, you are. I know you're getting the award this year for a comic of the year for hanging in there long enough to get one. You've had a great year and it's a deserved thing. If I see a comic why I don't like getting shit like that. I'm not just saying that because you're my friend,

you're a great comic. And when you see a guy you admire, you know, it's like the thing is people like, I don't suck each other's dicks, but it's like, I don't get to tell my friends, like, you know what I mean? Like, Hey, man, I love what you say. You don't get to tell your friends that we're just we're used to each other. All right. I just like doing festivals because I finally get to see you guys because once we all start, we all moved up the same time. Yeah. You know, hosting, featuring, then headlining. So you never get to work on the road with each other. But when we were all doing spots in the city, you could kind of watch. It was another thing. Remember, we used to go downstairs when someone would be on stage and you just stare at him. Kevin Hart. Yeah, and try to take

confidence. And Kevin, Kevin didn't back down. Nope, he took it. Yeah. And he was very new too. He we would walk down me, you Patrice Keith, Bobby, whoever else was around just sitting off to the cellar was half empty back then, and sit in the front rows, or laugh obnoxiously loud. It is awful jokes. When you see it on the little in his little fucking short guy, what about when Florentine would start groans? Those are the greatest skills they've ever he would sit in the back. He would sit in the back of the crowd. And he would turn the crowd on you by like groaning. He could almost like throw his voice. Oh, come on. Yeah, come on. And then like it was contagious. And then they'd be like three people. Just get it going. We ruined Voss's night

one night at Caroline's because the curtain was drawn was a Sunday night. Jim's on one side of the curtain. And I'm on the other. And just doing the it was a groans in stereo. Oh, man, and there was Florentine's we wanted to conceptualize that. And I'll never forget Voss for 45 minutes on stage just being combative with you like what the fuck you guys want from it. You know how fucking ordinary he is fucking dope. So yeah, why did we do that to each other? It's fun. Why didn't we support you? I'm just we never, never support each other. We remember Voss and Patrice got into some huge fight down in Caroline's because he was actually opening for Patrice. Then Patrice trashed his CD so bad. He brought it up on stage and he ripped it and

ripped a cover in half and then broke it. And he was trashing it so bad and the crowd laughed so hard that Voss got mad for real. And it was one of the you know, we've had a zillion real arguments and then two days later, you know, give a fuck. And it was just like, why would you do that? Me and Patrice had a real argument when we were doing the Colin Quinn show on NBC. I was trying to get something through standards and practices. You know, he was just being Patrice. He just gave me a hard time with this woman. And I'm like, dude, shut up. Like, you know, I'm like, you know, you know, I know you're a comedian, you have to prove it. I'm fucking doing this is work. You know, it's trying to get like literally a piece of material through. And we had like a real

argument over it. And Keith had to fucking play, you know, the the arbiter. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I had a real fucking I had one that became a classic because of the fucking Internet. I had that huge one with him over the stupid fucking man cow show on your show on the opening Anthony show. We like Patrice called up, told his man cow thing, trashed me. And then I called up Monday to defend myself. And of course, somebody on the show put fucking Patrice on hold. He just put the two dogs in the ring. You know, I vaguely remember. I don't even know if I was a fucking like we were pissed at each other for like, you know, it was funny what broke the ice. I think was that was that Philly rant. The Philly rant, we finally started talking to each other and

talked like, you know, three, four months, which wasn't hard because we weren't seeing each other too much, but we were kind of just pissed. And when if you watch the Philly rant, there's a time where I look over the DJ going, dude, why are you yelling out shit? You're fucking me up. I vaguely remember doing that. But what I actually was was Patrice was trying to help me. He yelled out invincible, which would have been a great one to bring up about Philly, which was about a guy who was playing it was working in a bar, tries out for the Eagles. Not only does he get a tryout, he makes the fucking team and has an impact. Like I could have just gone off on how bad the Eagles sucked. And he, you know, he threw that out there. Like got past our stupid acting like a

couple of bitches not talking to each other saw me in trouble and fucking threw that out there. And then when I came off stage, he just started talking like, you know, one of the few times he ever threw me a compliment. Right. And then, you know, then we were cool after that. It was just like a fucking, I don't know. Jesus Christ. Whatever. We got a lot of stories at this point. Yeah, it's nice though. I like it though. I like, you know, like musicians, I hear musicians talk. I'm like, that must have been fun to be a part of that. But then I realized like, I'm a part of a pretty cool group of people, just comedians who I like. And it's like, I never get to watch. I don't watch David Tell. I don't watch you if you're on. I don't want to watch standups.

Did you see a Tell's latest special? Did you see it? Oh my God. I want to watch it. I love Dave. We were doing co-headlining gigs. And he would walk on stage literally like a fucking like a gnome. He's carrying a plastic bag with things in them. It's like he's losing his mind. And every once in a while, I because I would always make him go on last and I'm like, look, dude, I'll take less money. I don't see the anti social. No, this was just me and Dave doing a couple of days together. And Jesus, what a fucking show. It was a good show. But then we were riffed at the end, like I would come on stage with him and we would just do like 15 or 20 minutes playing with the audience. And that was fun. You were awesome at that. Yeah,

we had a good time. He's great. But watching him like even for the couple of minutes when I came back, he would always throw out one or two that would just make me fucking hate being a comedian. Like God, I'll never he just did one dumb line like you've been on mushrooms or you're so high and you think you're having a pillow fight, but then you realize you're holding a live baby. I'm like, I just wish I thought of that. That's dude, he had one. I don't remember how we set it up. But the Olympics were going on and somebody doing the Luge had died that day. And he went on stage and said something to the effect that I think I think it's very fitting that the Olympics started with the sacrifices. I can't even do how we did it. But he did it.

You know, when he talks like low, and he just sort of vaguely threw it out there. And just to see if the crowd even got it. And it was just like, Oh my God, it's so fucking. And so it's such a smart joke going back to the original Olympics and like that time, I don't know, though they had sack. I don't even fucking know. It's just, yeah, he's one of those. But he's a guy that I will watch because there's this him and Harlan Williams are two guys. The way they do their shit, it's just like, there's no way I'm going to, there's going to be no overlap the way like Harlan, when he just comes out, Hey, what do you say they're picking a blanket? What are you doing there, buddy? What are you doing their sport? He just kind of goes off on

these crazy. I don't even know what he's doing. Absolutely fucking destroys that. Last time I worked with Harlan, I said that to him, I go, nobody in your career has ever walked up to you going, Hey, Harlan, I kind of have a kind of got a joke like that, you know. So anyways, I got my dog downstairs. I got I got to go. Thank you for go get it. Yeah, man. You're so funny. So you're just doing the fucking show. You said thank you for coming. Oh, actually, I did come over to your hotel room. Okay, well, appreciate it. So thank you for coming on the podcast. I'm glad we were able to to finally knock one of these out. And like you said, Wednesday, July 23rd. What's the what's the website? Vice.com. It'll be easy to find. Vice.com. Check out Jim Norton's

new show called The Jim Norton Show. Tell me you see this. Yeah.