Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-23-15

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

Bill rambles about Taylor Swift, Donald Trump and getting punched in the dick there.

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It's the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday and I'm just checking in on you. How's your week going? You know you know something I got this dumb ass show on TV in the background with some chick fucking who's using way too much moose in her hair and she's got like nine zillion fucking dollars in debt. She's got two dumb parents who also use a bunch of fucking moose in their hair and somehow she's so out of control they have to go on television to Friday to try to get on the

podcast. I know this the show is crazy where everybody that we're in Montreal. Yes we're Montreal. Let's talk about this brought here. She has so much moose in her hair she looks shitfaced even when she's sober. It's a show here in Montreal or Canada maybe. Montreal? Montreal called Princess.

Some of them all. The S's at the end are dollar signs and I guess the whole premise of the show is to get these young spoiled women who are just out of control with their spending to get a wake up call and learn how to be responsible. But she has like boozy eyes to say her dad she has a dad the same as booze eyes. They have like bedroom eyes they're kind of like look like they're about to go to sleep heavy eyebrows. I sound terrible right now I think because I you didn't have any booze last night.

You smoked a cigar. I didn't have a cigar but I drank booze and I sound like like you drank some booze. Yeah. Now she's back out we got this on the background. She's sitting there she's going out to the I don't understand people that lose control of their kids. It's like you're taller than them. You know you just intimidate them.

She's not a child she's like 20 something years old. Yeah but it never should have got to this. Yeah well that's the whole premise of the show and now she's gonna like do chores and earn her keep and all that kind of stuff and she's gonna learn a lesson. It's just it's TV it's fake. I'll turn it off. I understand I understand it's that but you can't tell me that there's not actually people that lose control of their kids.

Yeah she is a fucking you can't marry that she's unmarriable with that fucking hair. She looks like she fucking mooses it with jizz. She just looks like a total party whore. There's not one guy that's gonna look at that other than the only his only thoughts gonna be like I want to fuck that. That's all you're gonna do with that. That's all she's concerned about right now. So what do you think party on Wayne.

What do you think about I mean that's all she's concerned about she's a fucking dope. Yeah so a lot of young girls are like this go out you party it up Yolo and whatnot. Will you stop saying that Mia I don't say it on like a regular basis saying that I don't say it right there Instagram Instagram I get too fucking old to say Yolo Instagram I'm too old to be participating in yeah what are you doing no it helps my act because you know all the pop stars shit what was you know I was surprised I knew that Taylor Swift song last night I was very surprised at that tell me the name of it and I'll sing it shake it off oh yeah and players gonna play play play play and somebody's gonna hate shake it off

shake it off shake it yeah because you play that shit I fucking hate that song I don't play that shit is that really is that literally written on a piece of paper I've never played want to play does she go dot dot dot or she really right play play play play play whatever I'm sure she did I got creeped out by her I always think she looks like it like a like a little fucking sexed-up meerkat to me that's like up on her hind legs looking at the hole you know she looks very I think she's tall and then she wears heels and so yeah she's very I just remember on 60 minutes when we were watching her and the little girls would be screaming in the upper deck and she would look up there and she would just sort of mouth

oh my god it was the fucking phoniest I think even if I was six I'd be like just this lady's fake this is fake she's not blown away by this right now she's just trying to put maybe a few of that fun I'm one of my six years old with a sport coat on up there like I know what's going on I probably like why is my little six year old dick in sorry listen it's not something you can relate to but the first time you're a little kid and it fucking stands up you don't understand I have when I first understood that it was related to sex I was in a fucking tree fort right and this kid had stolen playboys from his dad this is the 70s we didn't have the internet like these kids we could actually watch video of real

people fucking poor kids so he we were looking at the things right we were sitting there you know in the tree fort and there was like five of us looking at him and this other kid fucking balled up his fist and punched me in the dick and I was like oh and that's what I realized like oh so what's going on with my dick is going on with everybody else's dick and that's what happens when you look at naked women what that's how I learned because somebody punched me right in my fucking little heart on ouch yeah I didn't take strong it took it you know took it on the chin was a little road out the round got back to the corner you know threw some water on it anyways yeah so I know a little bit about pop culture who

are some of the other ladies of or maybe guys I know a few people you do you know who one direction is one direction they're the they're the beavers right they all got the beaver the beaver here and they all face the crowd when they sing one direction they send they send it out I feel like there's a weird name for them to be called because I assume the whole thing is like we only go in one direction and that's up but they should call it same direction because when that band flop sorry that was really bad I know we're both off our game a little bit this one oh no I'm fucking crushing it people are liking I just sank Taylor Swift into the first fucking six minutes it's no way so you did what um what's one of the

songs they sing I bet I know it they have a song I think call you you don't know you're hanging because you're what they you don't know you're beautiful that's what makes you beautiful or something like that despite the fact you're ugly and your calves are really fat I don't know I ought to be honest with you I don't like your freckles but it's not about all that that's pretty good inside you're fucking beautiful and I'd let you suck my dick in the back of the tour bus but you got to go out the window you know what the other band makes to see it oh my god he's singing to me some boy band lyrics right there yeah did you say hanging tough earlier yeah shout out to Joe Mcintyre Joey Mack from the heat from the heat the heat aka my favorite

new kid Joe Mack but really what were your options you had to do with the mosquito face right what do you mean mosquito yeah the other guy who wasn't Mark Wahlberg and then yeah the other guy who looked like the guy with the mosquito face they were brothers and I know you're talking about no I like Donnie give me a fucking break I gotta make it funny Donnie dated Halle Berry are you kidding me like Donnie was crushing it back in the day so wait when did he date her well when he's on the cop today like in the 80s and maybe early 90s there's like 40 and she wasn't there was options for every girl with that band you had tough guy Donnie Donnie and then you had Jordan who sang in that crazy falsetto with the dark hair right and then you had the brothers I think I'm

combining them with like fucking one of those other bands like O town or why do you keep bringing up O town I feel like I heard you say O town last night during your show did you say O town during your bit with you in O town hey it's my fuck can be coming lady come come my lady I'm gonna fly sugar baby that was a boy band they were well they were kind of that was the guy that he had the synchronized tattoos yeah yeah yes exactly everything I have in this side I want to know on that side then later on he shot heroin into the same vein on both sides yes and then he was on the rehab show he was Steven Adler yeah wait was he oh was he in celebrity rehab I don't remember well anyway yes he was kind they were kind of a boy band ish I think you can tell by

this podcast that yes there is a presidential election coming up I love how much you're getting annoyed by Donald Trump this guy's the most entertaining thing that's ever since other than that fat so that they had up here in Toronto I'm only annoyed because you were the one that was trying to like you know get me to prove to you that other people thought that Donald Trump was an asshole long long go and you were like prove it prove it what are your source of that night I was hammered source it we would I came home before we gave up drinking I was fucking hammered and I watched one of his speeches and I wanted to hear it because it was a great piece of comedy and you were fucking oh my god I can't believe he said that like this guy's actually gonna become president

like it's just he's like the fucking guy the first week on American Idol who can't fucking sing it's just funny to watch I love how we gave out that person's phone number like a seventh grade girl fucking deal with that you think he fucking he did a little flip to his cow lick after he did that John McCain is a war hero yeah because he got caught fucking terrible thing to say I know it's terrible but that makes it hilarious of war I know but here's his arms like above his head can I tell you this right now okay and you say he's he's a hero because he got captured I know but here's the thing yeah do you know who has the right to get offended by that John McCain why can't I be offended because you never went to war and that means that because I didn't have that direct

experience I can't have a strong reaction to you can you know you cannot be offended you shouldn't be offended by why not you can be you can sit there and have empathy be like wow that's a really fucked up thing to say to John McCain but to sit there and literally get offended like he owes you a fucking apology you weren't in that bamboo fucking cage is that is that what it's about being about being offended about something like you shouldn't be offended because you didn't experience it you can just feel like I don't understand that rationale you feel like if someone's offended by something they're taking it super super personally look I can sit there and I could watch that and realize what he said was completely fucked up I can see why it's so fucking fuck the fact that

he's going to offend so many people by saying it makes it fucking hilarious watching his reaction to people being offended is fucking hilarious but the people that went through it they're the ones who are truly fucking affect like I would have it's insulting to John McCain for me to get fucking offended by it like like oh it hurt me oh did it hurt you bill as you sit there and your PJs you're fucking Mary you're just coming at it from like that comedian perspective though and you guys have this whole thing about people being offended that's what that's no I'm not I can be offended by what Trump says and not have been in the war myself I can be not not that like I'm offended for John McCain he can obviously fend for himself the man yeah I think I think the guy himself he was fucking

tortured he didn't break but I can be like I'm fucking offended by that as what other people who have any respect for what John McCain why don't you just say I don't I don't approve what you said Donald and you need to grow up and I feel like I can say that to you because you don't have my cell phone because I can be offended if I want to I don't know why you were saying that I can't be offended by it I said that's the wrong wording I think it's childish for you to be offended all right I think I think you just want to be what you want to be part of the group like yeah that affected me too yeah that's exactly where I'm coming from I'm all about being a part of the group that's offended this week about something yep that's my MO why do you hate me I don't hate you it

do you always you know what you do you know what your deal is near your deal is you always got to take me down a fucking notch you just got to make sure I gave what am I what am I doing over here in here huh you're telling me I can't be offended I guess that's kind of an asshole move I wish you wouldn't be offended I wish people who didn't go to war I look if you got a fucking relative that's in the military I'll give you that too but people like me and I do huh and I do oh good my dad was in the fucking Navy I mean I don't fucking sit here acting like you know I have some direct connection with the military I'm a softy all right I never got a deferment but I would have the second I was out there marching in the sun I can't take all right pick up your fucking cover

pile and that's what they were saying that he like avoided the draft like five times I hate when they say that about rich people what do you mean why they avoided the draft yeah of course they did of course they did they did exactly what you would have done if you had hundreds of millions of fucking dollars you wouldn't have gone I love all these fucking people that act like if they were sitting there you know with a butler that they'd fucking join the Marines and be on the front lines and they would have fought they wouldn't have you would have done the same fucking thing that they did I would think but you know some people like they they do volunteer for that shit even today they're like I want to go yeah and you know something those people are so few

and far between that they make movies about them and I'm not talking about people that volunteer I'm not talking about that I'm talking about somebody that's sitting there with the golden spoon in their mouth sorry Ric Flair you know it's pointing at my mouth if you're fucking dude no I'm trying you name me one fucking blue-blooded kid sitting there he doesn't even have a train set he has like a real train that goes around his fucking house like yeah did he have a real train oh no not a silver spoon silver spoons maybe it wasn't like a real train but it was a train that went around speaking of trains quit derailing this idea over here oh Jesus um someone like someone like that like came from a really fucking rich family in my lifetime yeah you know maybe if

you want to go back to the Kennedys but even them though you know they were fucking bootleggers all right so they for as much as they tried to be all hoity-toity they were filthy Mia they were bunch of animals he was fucking everything that moved down there you know I would like to have sex with their next huh what did you just cover the microphone for like I have some sort of connection to that family what are you talking about oh never mind I'll tell you afterward I don't give a shit all right this podcast is not about yeah it's not about fucking caring about people's feelings hey Nia do me a favor shake it off shake it off I really can't believe you know that song I because I never played it for you well I mean it's Taylor Swift doesn't know

barely anybody pop culturally like that's that's a lie quiz me quiz me just the other week though remember how we were talking about how Bill's interpretation of gone girl was where the bitch go like that's just kind of no but I knew I knew that was wrong and I knew it was enough in the right direction one direction to that fucking movie that you know what I was talking about all right you're gonna quiz me on pop culture right after these messages now hang on one second here I have to uh I gotta make sure I do this right this gonna I need your microphone here give me your microphone here that's right whenever I grab the other microphone that means it's time oh fuck you with the fucking ad you son of a bitch

one of these people gonna realize you gotta get your message in four or five seconds if you're gonna fucking anyways so here we go it's time for another video doorbell read why isn't the fucking music working can you please play oh it's not gonna play when I got the fucking thing going here you fucking suck why won't it do that well because it's the fucking mini iPad and it doesn't have that ability ah these fucking nerds man when would they ever just that just kills my whole fucking thing I gotta read the video doorbell with the sad music underneath it or that doesn't count wait a second what is that it doesn't work it's sad anime music collection and evidently it's a masterpiece how did you find this I just I just look up sad music all right I'll read the other

one while you get the sad music going all right mile IQ everybody uh driving for work is a double ledge so somebody punched me in my sword when I was looking at playboys either you're spending too much time tracking every mile or you're guesstimating and end up losing money and even then your estimate falls about 20 short of what you could be deducting welcome to mile IQ the gold standard in mileage tracking mile IQ is the only mileage tractor that detects logs and calculates your drive for you automatically mile IQ is easy to use and keeps all of your drive securely stored in the cloud if you drive for work and you're not counting every single mile then you're burning money every time you turn on the ignition mile IQ does all the work letting you focus on what's important

you know it's funny they said I they didn't think that I understood the copy um are they correct no I'm I'm getting this that's why they've got a five star rating in both the google play and the itunes app store stop wasting time manually tracking your miles and stop losing money you should be redeeming try mile IQ for free today by texting burr burr to eight nine eight zero zero that's burr eight nine eight zero zero all right that was mile IQ yeah I guess I don't understand it I just got a like a vision of you in middle school driving for work it's double that short class and just like just the seeds being planted right there I'm driving for work all right you're a cab driver

you're a you're a you're a taxi driver you drive a limo you spend too much time track oh so rather than having to write it down this thing does it for you then you can just cruise around right six days on the road what you got it all right well there you go I over explained it then I guess everybody else understood it is this the one sometimes I have to yeah okay hold on sad anime music masterpiece sad anime music masterpiece take one all right you hold the microphone up to that huh it's how much of deal was all there to do she's it's my name is goal is that one of those ads you can't skip this is just going off the fucking rails they should only just make five second ads all right can you turn it down a little bit

my hello again friends I'm bill burr and I'd like to take a moment to talk to you and the ones you love about video doorbell this is the sound of a package being delivered bing bong supposed to have a doorbell song or friends coming over to dinner but it's also the sound of someone planning to rob you blind each year over 95 percent of the home breakings happened during the day you'd think the old people across the street would say something but they have cataracts in burglars almost always start by ringing your doorbell to see if someone's home before but what do they do after you answer the door to take the lift their mask up oh I'm sorry

about that don't you weren't going to be home before pillaging your possessions with the ring video doorbell you can see and talk to anyone at your door from anywhere in the world hey using your smartphone rings advanced motion detection alerts you even if someone doesn't ring the doorbell it's like caller ID for your home please share a personal story or how this could happen to someone you love uh I know this guy Scott he lives in Boise at one time he was at work and someone rang his doorbell and he wasn't home to answer or they took his playstation man

installing ring takes minutes and and it works with either your current wiring or built-in rechargeable battery put your mind at ease and protect your home with video doorbell time magazine named one of the top 10 gadgets 2014 how about inventions can you can you bump it up to invention that's a nice little gadget you got there right now my listeners start fading it down my listeners get ring video doorbell for only $174 that's $25 off the normal price go to ring.com slash burr now protect your home and have peace of mind with ring go to ring.com slash burr for only $25 for $25 off that's ring.com slash burr thank you and god bless america

I like that you brought it back all right let's talk pop music here that is really sad music it is perfect that's sad anime music all right all right what do you got here go ahead quiz me I got we got another six minutes here and you know a lot of people are loving the music that comes on at the end of this speaking of uh being up to date and all that stuff they're yolo Instagram Instagram uh everybody's giving me credit for that cool music it's not me it's uh mr andrew femmless uh who you know he's the one who puts together all this shit Andrew Andrew Andy what do you say there what do you say there Andy and he's a sandboy a sandboy all right what do you got quite quiz me you got six minutes to stump the fucking

can you name all the actresses that have been cast in the new ghostbusters film directed by Paul fig and go leslie jones kristin wigg uh melio estabes no wait wait wait wait wait wait melissa mccarthy bam and there's four of them kate mckinnon also from saturday night live all right i got three out of four it's pretty damn good there you go good who you're gonna hold me at the end of this good an apology for what for questioning my pop culture uh do me a favor nini don't hate hate hate hate what was the actual name of the film that you called um uh well shit now i can't remember something about dracula no the last days of dracula the last days of dracula was actually called interview with the vampire

this is an oldie but no it's pop culture pop culture it's now pop culture is happening right now it's constantly changing you gotta give me 2015 shit oh i gotta give you 2015 yeah because all those other people if you're gonna go back to fucking you know o-town and all of them and those are your references though yeah but what is the name of the film that you called two whores in a pool oh that's ridiculous that was with the chick uh richardson that married uh amelio's chakshin charlie sheen uh-huh denise richards right denise richards hoarded up in a pool um was that what we called was it kevin bacon was he in that he was bam and then there was the chick from party of five there you go and they took out their titties uh-huh it was

called uh chlorine clam wild thing i know what you did in the shallow end last summer wild things all right who has been cast those are two good looking women yes who has been cast as the new batman uh ben afleck oh my god the whole nerd universe flipped out i'm an old man i go on facebook i will tell you that batman mask it is really hard to not look like a jerk off in that thing that is just not a flattering it's all that you got to have the ben afleck jaw cloney you have to have a fucking jaw you know what would have been a great batman if he could have lost the gut with sergeant slaughter he had a fight he had the quintessential fucking batman jaw god's name is sergeant slaughter he's a veteran i bet he was offended by fucking

jar mckay who's been cast not jar mckay jared leto who's been cast as harley quinn i don't know who that is harley quinn she's a character in the comic books i don't know who's playing superman well he's a fucking obscure do you know how loud and awful the last one superman was i sat there watching that fucking superman today this is what what people this is nerd shit nerds don't get laid that's not popular oh go go to the i thought you're gonna do music come on oh music yeah go ahead i think i did pretty good i think i did pretty good with the movies you gotta admit what are some of the songs that we listened to when we were in paris that you like just sing it because that's that's better than you trying to figure out the names of it i don't

remember hum the melody oh i like to make money get turn i like to make money get turn i like to make money get turn i got the white girl drinking for the work i got the white girl drinking for the work you have like a whole bottle of rose when he just fucking starts just keep saying it after the music goes in the end what's his name is that jameric wah no no that's uh mannequin mannequin i love mannequin does he spell it in a in a in a cool way in a graffiti type way yes exactly man is all capitalized and there's a k in there and the fucking a q with a couple of dots over it not that but yeah he spells it in a funky way all right all right i feel like this is dying it is dying you know why because i actually did fucking great on it i did great on it well you

know what i bring it down any it bring it down for a second i want to thank y'all for coming out thursday afternoon pockets um anyways your crowds and much y'all have been awesome yes they have been and i've been having a great time doing the goddamn comedy jam i had a good time you came down one night yes i did i played all right you played really really well yes i did and tonight you're gonna uh yeah i got my last comedy jam i'm doing the ron bennington unmasked and then i got unmasked bill burr what's behind those freckles behind the freckles the bill burr you'll feel like when you got punched in your six year old dick that uh then informed you as a comedian wait why did the kid punch you because we were all looking at naked girls the the the

playboys and it was like oh the old days back when you didn't have play dates and shit and you stole stuff from somebody else's dad you looked at it and there was kids of all different age groups so they understood what the fuck was going on and the kid fucking he did the old right there fred to my fucking dick you know i learned something what did you learn from that that that happens when you look at a naked woman and that it hurts to get punched in your day and on that note no it hurts even more when it's fucking standing up um all right sorry for you guys envisioning that um this has been the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast i got turned around in that um i got one more day here before i go back i had just uh a great time last night um

the first show was awesome and the second show went to a whole other level and um you know what i was up here i've been dressing up you know winter old sport coat here trying to out french the frogs and uh french canadian that's right you know it was great last night was i actually was talking about and i brought up you know i was flying into boston somebody yelled boston sucks and uh did they why and i just stopped i said why because we win all the championships and they were like oh yeah oh yeah i rubbed it in i fucking rubbed it in and then they try to give me shit about the bruins trades and it's stupid don't do that montreal canadian fans all right because then i could just say well at least we won a cup in this century and then they go well we won blah blah

blah and i just start singing glory days they'll pass you by glory days in a wink of booing patrick wabh all right that's the podcast for this thursday i hope you guys have a wonderful week get new punks and i'll talk to you on monday oh hey what's going on it's bill bar and this is a very special edition of the monday morning podcast those of you who are longtime listeners all 15 of you you know every once in a while i will rather than babble for an hour about the inane shit that pisses me off i'll actually bring in a comedian friend of mine and like i told you these are only guys that i respect only people

that i find funny hackless hackless podcasting here and today we are uh have the pleasure of having on our show the wonderful the talented the cocksuck and greg fit Simmons everybody what's up gregory i gotta tell you and being a stand-up comedian and you know in the media in general there is what other job begins with a stroking session you know i mean and i really needed that i had a shit day and i'm sitting here in your house you've invited me out so i know i'm not a hack and then you get a nice little buildup this guy is a good guy what if you were a plumber you think you'd show up at someone's house with like a shit knee deep in there get in there clean up the shit i know that's like my dad's a dentist i worked with him when i was younger and just

handed him the shit as he yanked out the teeth and every other person would come in the first thing is saying first of all just want to let you know i hate the dentist and that's all he heard all day long number one suicide rate of any profession is that right that's absolutely true well give it up for my dad for hanging in there we all but did you notice a lot of depression in him uh no jesus christ we're really going deep here in me yes not in him jesus i got a two man lately it's hitting me hard no but i gotta beat i know how to beat it i i actually now i step back and i observe the thoughts in my head and i just see a bad one i'm like do i want to uh do i want to spoon with that idea for the next fucking three days yeah and hate my life for i i literally

i'll go out i'll go on a hike i find that walking around and getting the blood going absolutely and just start telling myself lies you're amazing you're amazing see what you just did though that's exactly look like music on and i fantasize that i'm playing it like i'm stevie rave on and it gets me out of it what i i took a yoga class yesterday that helps me a lot because not only you get the physical exertion your deep breathing and then there's hot ass in every direction all getting stretched out that's what i should in another life i would do i would be like that that yoga instruction shit oh hell yeah you get a ponytail oh you you would and not only do these women have hot bodies they give a shit about themselves enough to go to a place to make

themselves better get them all stretched out before you bang them greg i mean it's like i used to go to this one out in san monica and this guy was why i liked it was because it wasn't that chanting shit it was the teacher was this angry guy trying to be happy so i totally related to him that's great but he used he used to do this is true dude this and he was a great teacher too and he used to he used to be teaching the class while subtly putting out how sensual he was during love making it like he would be like he would just yeah i can't even should do that with your podcast man it wouldn't work at this point people know i hate women yeah not individually i like women one on one but as a group when they all start yammering

around a table like that fucking show the view i mean seriously i mean yeah when i look at the view or i think of uh uh what was that show sex in the city or now cougar town i really do i say to myself women the best is the bachelorette party that's what sums up what all those shows are it's an attempt by women to be men instead of being women in a group when you're with a woman alone they are uh empathetic i was really hoping connected emotional they're everything that you kind of want in a dude one on one but a guy can't go there like you have a strong female side and sometimes we really connect on that level but very often you're just the angry dude but women are i don't know what that means but okay no you know it's funny but you're a sensitive guy i was hoping

that someone was going to come here and finally actually compliment women after all the trashing that i've done i'm like greg he's married he's got a couple of kids this will be a nice thing you come right in just kicking him right in the twat what are you talking about i said you're a sensitive guy no not me i was talking about like women you like they want to be men oh yeah i was just picturing all of them rolling their eyes well let's let's let's actually pick let's pick a strong female role you know that that we like oh yeah who's abroad out there you like you might don't mind those women who stand on the sidelines i like their business suits i like the football games oh yeah shoulder pads and a skirt why don't you just get in the fucking game sweetheart

no you know to me it's like you know my wife and i've been with her for 11 years and you know i i'm one of the few comedians that can tell you i fucking love my wife i have not had a day in my life that i didn't think how did i get this check and she's perfect there you go and you met her now she's the greatest isn't she i knew she was a good one that time when we were we were driving back from boston holy shit we did this gig somewhere in boston or we had only been dating for like two or three weeks yes no we were going to where are we going where are we going anyway yeah anyways whatever we i thought we were doing a gig it was you meet tom cotter we were going to a wedding it was robby prince's wedding in boston because i didn't go to that

shannon no no okay let's just get to the meat of the story here okay we're coming back tom cotter is hung over and you and me are in the car doing the boston accent on 11 and just saying the most ignorant racist shit you could possibly say aids jokes age joke everything just total green room stand-up comedy just driving tom nuts trying to make a puke remember that and and erin i remember laughing the entire time at the ridiculousness of it my favorite part was when it got quiet and tom thought after two states of doing it that we'd finally given up and we drove over this bridge and there was this this lake or something underneath and you in the back just go water which of course started it all up again hey fitzy you fucking fudge pack

sucka let's get some beers go down the cape beat up some colored kids oh three states oh three states we did that and just watching tom just being like dude it's not funny anymore from that trip to this day i do the boston accent and it's immediate it's like this pavlovian response she just starts laughing again oh it's the worst and i was reading george car did you read george carlin before we get too deep let's let's get on to what you're hyping here great fit Simmons actually wrote a book that's coming out uh what's the name of it it's called dear mrs fit Simmons dear mrs fit Simmons and that will be available in stores when well you can pre order pre order now which they actually just bumped up my uh you know they do an order of the books they just bumped up

to a second order already they're uh they're chopping up a body next door just ignore that that's what i love about podcasts i love that they um so to the book basically it's doing great pre order go to fitsdog.com f itz dog and it's uh basically my it's about us it's about irish guys with a lot of anger that do the opposite of what they're told to do their whole life oh there you go so my mother saved every letter that was ever sent home from teachers police clipped out things from the newspaper when i was arrested and then i saved them all from adulthood so it's like uh my life threw bad letters that were sent home that's phenomenal man phenomenal yeah and the ebook is cool too if people buy the ebook i've actually i got celebrities i i'm gonna shoot you after this who they read the letters

so when you're reading when you're on your ipad you can you can click on a particular letter and all of a sudden pete yorn is reading it or zack alafanakis or natalie mage oh all right so it's very active yeah you're very you know something i have to hand this to you is you're very you're not afraid of the internet the way i am i'm really like uh who's that guy andy rooney at the end of 60 minutes that's why why is everybody going over to facebook i just i noticed where he is on 60 minutes in that 30 seconds after the 19th commercial yeah and he's just and i'm so trying not to be that guy who just hates everything new but it really is like i really you were ahead of the way with this podcast you've been doing this longer than i have yeah this appealed to my uh psychosis

of just being by myself like i do this thing by myself every week just for like an hour do you ever pause it or do you go straight through i just go straight through what i do i do i do probably one out of four or five alone and i they're my favorite one and if you start bombing you just talk about how you're bombing and then people actually laugh at you struggling trying to get back on the uh the road to comedy people i find i get more comments on the alone ones than any other ones they're like i did one i was down staying with my mom in florida with my family and i went out sat in her car across the street from her condo and did one just ripping her a new asshole hating everybody and it was by far the best podcast

oh overrated for this week this is a great one overrated win chimes this dude says i hate the annoying clink clank sound with a fucking passion what is wrong with the people huh what's wrong with people seriously the world is not loud enough you have to fucking add to it you know they they do believe the sounds will make them better people or make life better you know what dude you want such a great role to you right wrote that fucking sentences oh do they believe the sounds will make them better people or make their life better i found it most annoying and an invasive right i find it the oh jesus christ i'm never drinking

on the podcast again go fuck yourselves all right what is wrong with people where am i i find it the most annoying and evasive thing i am forced to listen to even with closed windows but they're peaceful um if you fucking like the sound why don't you put them up inside your home and have the fucking fan going and anyway what gives anybody the right to push their taste on others dude i totally agree it's like if you're gonna make smokers smoke outside then you want to make these fucking wind chime people take that shit indoors i can't tell you how annoying that is it's a you know what's annoying about it is it's an annoying sound that's trying to be fucking spiritual that's what kills me it's even it's it's more annoying than just a loud annoying sound

that's fucking annoying because at least the loud annoying sound has the fucking courage to be annoying those fucking things they actually they're there they're there you know what when i go on youtube and just get some fucking wind chime sounds for all you dumb cunts out there who do yoga you know and actually think that these fucking things sound good here we go wind fucking chimes youtube let's see what we got here we go yeah because somebody fucking loves them so much they put up a video here we go for all you cunts out there here it is i gotta admit those are nice this isn't fair this guy's got fucking he's got the professional grade level ones these things

look like the exhaust on a goddamn oh that's giant wind chimes all right i just learned something i don't mind giant wind chimes oh here's one here's one of these little douchey ones you get at a fucking hardware store it's typical youtube you just can't put wind chimes okay beautiful wind chime is this the cunty sounding one there it is you know what the great thing is is they're made out of metal so when you rip them off you have a fucking blunt object to beat your neighbor to death with that's what you do and then you dip it in fucking peroxide or bleach and you hook it back up again let those a and e cunts figure out that murder a man murdered on his porch you know somehow they'd find you know in a fucking

i don't know an eighth of an inch of his face in print on that fucking wind chime if you ever watch those a and e things how they catch people it's it's like it's not even fucking fair you ever see the one as they take another healthy sweat i got news for you i'm having another beer this might be the new thing i might do this shit thursday night take a night off from stand-up tell my chick to hit the fucking bricks is anything better than drinking in your own goddamn house it just makes you want to start screaming about the shit you own you know i paid for this shit you hear that old man downstairs i'm gonna get louder and he's gonna come up here that would be the ultimate podcast you know the thing about old people is you always have to worry

that they are a fucking like they they fought in a fucking war because i never had i never have so i have total respect for fucking veterans and the fact that they still got it in them you know that would be insane one night if i actually just totally pissed him off and he really did fight in the korean war and he just fucking threw whatever that fucking thing is your throw up when you when you're gonna climb up the rope on the side of the building you know that that that fucking land fish hook thing throws it up there and just climbs up comes over my railing as i'm sitting here doing this podcast half in the bag and he's got a kitchen knife between his teeth like a fucking pirate what would i do i've probably taken 12 karate classes

in my life and they've all been like you know six years apart fucking guy coming in filet me you know i don't fucking know i just sat back and i just lost the screen here yeah so whatever wind chimes are fucking overrated they really are but i gotta tell you if you get the giant ones the giant ones are nice listen to the giant ones the giant ones have a nice tone to them it's a little deeper i think i figured it out come on man you gotta admit that's not bad if you let go of the anger your childhood right let go your anger for a second see sound of a ship in the background

the ocean coming up on the beach you ever get to that point right when you're gonna get relaxed and let go and then you get so fucking scared you get right back into the anger and then you want to punch somebody in fucking yoga pants so i fucking went to go to this pizza place i really tried to do fun things when i was in portland tried to be healthy i went for a fucking hike i was sticking with my smoothies you know dropping pounds here and uh anyway somebody tells me that in portland they have this fucking

they got this pizza parlor where they had the best goddamn pizza in all the fucking northwest so this guy has like this homemade goddamn dough and he only makes so much of it every day when he's done making the dough he's done making pizza go fuck yourself all right so i'm like you know well shit i gotta try this pizza so i go on the internet i look up i see where it is it's right on hawthorne street like 45th and hawthorne 46th and hawthorne something like that right so i'm like all right i gotta go check this fucking thing out so i allow i get myself an hour and a half before the show to get there to get a goddamn pizza right it's a fucking pizza okay so i

call up just told me to call just just to call this place and uh i call up that it rings like 1112 fucking times and uh nobody picks up so i'm like ah you know what they're probably busy no big deal i gotta now i'll get there an hour and a half before right i get a goddamn cab i'm driving over there cab driver goes oh just let you know this guy's kind of like the pizza nazi like like the like the the fucking uh soup nazi on seinfeld so i show up and i walk in lo and behold the place is packed but i see this little two top gets up waitress is cleaning off the table she walks away so i go over and i sit down getting ready to order the pizza i'm checking out what people are ordering i'm getting excited is what i'm trying to tell you and then the waitress comes over she's like um

were you over in the waiting room next door or did you just like walk in here and sit down and i was like um i just came in and sat down she goes yeah um you have to like sign in um next door you know those people everything's everything's a question you have to like sign in next door and i'm like oh all right i go well how long's the wait she's like well i can't really like say it's you know it's kind of busy at that point it's like a quarter of i go well i gotta show it eight it's a quarter to seven am i gonna have time to order a pizza and eat it she's like yeah no no and um and then that's when my blood starts fucking boiling because i realized what i just walked into you know what i walked into i walked into the pizza version of pink's

hot dogs out here in fucking la the pizza version of magnolia bakery in new york city or that fucking place where you get the hot dogs in chicago you know hour and 15 minutes to make a fucking pizza you can't do that this guy's sitting here acting like you know like he's making some sort of gourmet food i'll tell you right now that's my overrated for the fucking week standing in line at any restaurant these you know the the breakfast place in your neighborhood your girlfriend's like oh my god the stuffed french toast is to die for and you stand there in fucking line never worth it it's never worth the hype okay if you learn anything from this podcast other than i'm an ignorant asshole don't ever stand in line for

fucking food okay unless some there's a natural disaster the place is flooded and there's just scooping out fucking pea soup you know and you're putting it into your baseball hat then you'll stand in line soup kitchen you stand in line but don't stand outside these fucking places it's stupid it's never worth it you know fancy restaurants you don't stand outside you call up you make a fucking reservation but i'm not standing out there like i'm waiting to fucking do they even make god damn sense you know what i mean these fucking people in new york they stand outside for 90 minutes for a cupcake for fucking cupcake it's gone in three seconds you know it's gonna piss me off is some people in portland okay they're actually gonna figure out what pizza parlor i'm talking

about and then they're gonna tell tell me dude it's totally fucking worth it these low self-esteem douchebags who just allow themselves to get totally treated like for absolute fucking shit for pizza yeah sorry i can't make you a pizza within an hour and 15 minutes well you know what fuck you and your fucking pizza what do you think about that and your number one goddamn rating i'll go to pizza hut eat their fucking slop you know what's killing me is i know i'm gonna have to go back i have to try it people hyped it so much that's what i'm really mad about is i know as much as i just fucking talked about that shit i'm gonna have to go back there and go get it and for all you guys wonder and you know that magnolia it's a great cupcake but

it's not that great it's not that great to have to stand there and listen to that awful conversation and have people driving by looking at you trying to figure out what are they standing in line for you know is the president there doing a book signing is there a porn star there who's gonna blow you at the front of the line can i raise the stakes for something funny within the last seven minutes all right fuck this fuck this podcast here we go so finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge the gene site test may help did you

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