Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-25-24

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

Bill rambles about riding a new Harley, the Iraq War, and the threat of everyone getting along. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (39:22) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 7-25-24 Bill rambles about The South,  security, and Deep Purple. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Pink Floyd - Run Like Hell (Pulse: Live) SimpliSafe:  Protect your home this summer with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Stamps.com:  Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale at www.Stamps.com click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burrow and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Sorry, it's fucking super early. It's a little before, a little after 7am here Thursday morning. My kids don't know I'm up yet. Snuck downstairs to go fucking do this thing. My prediction is halfway through. Halfway through they're gonna hear me. But anyway, plowing ahead. What's going on with you?

How is your wheat going? I fucked up. Old Billy fucking freckles Fucked up in a big way. Oh, man. I made a mistake you know I Didn't try heroin. I didn't go back to drinking but I Went up with Dean Del Rey tool buddies of his who has Harley Davidsons and I got to ride a road glide and a sports glide.

I shouldn't stop thinking of that bike Out of all the ones I've ever ridden And I haven't written a lot of them like that was definitely First of all, it was fucking gorgeous. It was in sharkskin blue and Absolutely stunning bike and Absolutely stunning bike It was fucking huge. It only took me a few minutes to get used to it. We were up in the middle of nowhere And the guy who took us on the ride was real smart We weren't like real slow in the beginning and it was all like windy roads up into the mountains

and then we came out of the mountains I switched off the road glide onto the sports glide and switched with Dean and then it was just all flat big sweeping turns the whole way back and they were hauling ass and I was just trying to keep up but I looked down at one point I was doing like 90 and it felt like I was going like fucking 30 because it has like the firing on it you know the sports glad it's not a fixed one but I don't know how to describe it it was fucking it was like fucking I don't know I was stuck in a Ric Flair loop just going, woo!

The whole fucking time. And I was just like, I gotta get this bike. I gotta get this bike. I was like, well, you know, you just rode the fucking thing. You know, you're a little excited, relaxed, right? Next day, I gotta get this fucking bike. And I'm like, well, you know, this is the come down. This is the come down off to the fucking, you know, riding the fucking thing.

And then two days after, I'm still thinking, now it's three days after and I'm still thinking, I gotta get that bike. I just go, why am I gonna get the bike? Why wouldn't ya? Anyway, it was funny. I came back and then I rode mine a few days later. I literally felt like I was getting on a toy,

like a glorified moped. I absolutely fucking loved, loved that bike And I was so intimidated to ride one because it was fucking gigantic and I was just like I'm gonna take that thing off the Kickstand and just go right over on the other side Or I'm not gonna put my feet down right and it's gonna start the tip and not there's gonna be nothing I can do to stop it and all of these nightmares and about it but uh you know I rode around the parking lot for a little bit kind of got the balance of it I mean the scariest thing is going slow on the thing

that's when you really start feeling like oh my god this thing's gonna tip that's why I just kept thinking I didn't think I was gonna wipe out ever. It was like driving a fucking Cadillac. But when we would be going slow, that's when I would get worried. And then what I was doing is I was putting my feet down too quick, so I was sort of like walking the bike a little bit, which was not helping it. So I had to kind of like be like, Bill,

just fucking get it almost to stop and just put your fucking feet down like you're doing anything else and you'll be fine then I was like fine um but I will tell you something opening that thing up or even just driving it slow through through the the mountains like I don't even know where the hell we were but at one point like I didn't we didn't see one car. That's how in the middle of nowhere we were. And we were riding down this road and it was like trees

that were like reaching on just on one side over the top of it. Like, you know, like when surfers are like in the tube, man, it was like that, but like trees on a motorcycle. It was fucking unreal. I felt like I was in the commercial for the bike. That's how perfect the road was. And in the end, fucking an open opening it up a little bit. I don't think I'll ever forget that in my fucking life. That thing is a fucking.

I don't know what it was different, you know than other things that I rode that were more like sports Sort of bikes or whatever or cruisers or something like that This was sort of the ultimate and I can't stop it was fucking exhilarating. I don't wake up my kids. It was fucking It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable I remember saying I was like, you know as an American at some point in your life You have to fucking ride one of those in the middle of nowhere and I did it and, I was like, you know, as an American, at some point in your life, you have to fucking ride one of those in the middle of nowhere. And I did it. And I was thinking, like, you know, I would do it.

And then I would be like, all right, cool. That was fucking awesome. I'm glad I did that. I had no idea it was going to be as great as it was. So now I'm just like completely obsessed with the thing. But you know, fortunately, I'm off the road and I got no money coming in. So there goes that idea. Oh, fucking frugal freckles.

That's not how I roll. I don't fucking stand still and then start by. Ah, fuck it. I'm going to buy it. God damn it. Oh shit. Why did I do that? Oh my God. It's fucking amazing.

So anyways, this is my Harley Davidson commercial. If you ever get a fucking chance to ride one of those things, I mean, it depends on what you're into. Like obviously, if you're like a fucking MotoGP guy and you wanna go, you know, ride with your chin on the fucking gas tank or whatever those kids do those fucking kids are out of their minds I like watching what they do, but Jesus Christ some of those Instagram videos where they just go in like a Zillion miles an hour splitting lanes and doing all of that

it's like Alright, so you obviously don't give a fuck if you die, but you do realize if you hit somebody you're like a fucking missile you're gonna You're gonna fuck them up, too, right? There's one there's this guy he just like the whole time he's riding he's just going like whoa He's screaming and he's going like fucking I swear to God. He's like going like 20 miles an hour And everybody in the comments is just going this guy just has a death wish I don't know what that I don't know what the fuck that is but uh it's bad enough to do it because there's people that love you but I mean to fucking do it and then maybe you're

gonna take somebody else out who's doing nothing and then maybe you're gonna take somebody else out who's doing nothing. Imagine going out and buying like a Nissan Leaf and being like, you know, I'm doing the responsible thing here. I didn't go out and buy the Hellcat. I spent way less money. This is going to cost me less money on fuel. You know, I can lie to myself that when they put this car in the junkyard, this battery isn't fucking just as bad as any fucking oil, gas combustion engine, right? And you just fucking sit there, you know, gliding down the goddamn street, hickin' some fucking asshole going 200 miles an hour. I don't know, if they hit you in the back of the car, I still don't think they would get to you, but if they ever T-boned you... I don't know what my fucking head spinning. You know, I just want to thank everybody over

at that Harley-Davidson dealership for giving me the experience of a fucking lifetime. I will never forget that. And, oh, it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard to lay off that one. Oh my God. And I didn't even, you know, I didn't even do anything. I didn't even have the fucking stereo on or anything

because I was talking to Dean, Dean was talking, I forget what the fuck he was listening to. You know, Dean's been on his, on bikes forever. So he had like the radio going and shit. And he was beside himself. You know Dean's been on his on bikes forever. So he had like the radio going and shit and He was beside himself he said that's the best bike Harley has ever made the technology is light years away from you know When he used to have him or whatever and I remember you him used to complain about it go talking about him That they didn't have you know, the ABS brakes. They didn't have those yet They still had the old-school brakes and just all the this forever. They were living off the name and I guess in the last ten years

They kind of got All caught up with the technology So anyway That was a big time fucking bucket list thing. Fuck, that's all I've been thinking about. And then you think, cause it's a big bike, you're going like, this thing's safe. People can see it's safer.

Maybe, I don't know, people can see me. And this whole fucking week, everywhere I've been driving, I've just been fantasizing that I was still on that bike I could just fucking zip around town I could do errands and I know what would happen somebody in a Nissan Leaf would be staring at his fucking phone and would T-bone me I Learned that lesson Ten years ago eleven years ago when I had that triumph Bonneville and I was like this is just too dangerous I'm not gonna I can't fuck got kids now. I got kids. I can't fucking do it. I can't fucking do it

I can't fucking god damn it All right, I'm gonna give this like another week to fucking wear off. We'll see what happens. Anyway, how about those Boston Red Sox? Huh? Oh, fuck, still yawning. Sorry. Coming out of the All-Star break, everybody's excited.

You know, are they gonna add something to the bullpen that can, you know, help us not keep losing these fucking games? Are they gonna run the bases better? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the answer was an emphatic no for four games in a row. We scored enough games, enough runs in four games to win like seven games and we lost all four games. And then finally, uh, the coach the first game

I don't watch. I ended up beating the fucking Colorado Rockies, but uh, it's, it's still a fun team. It's definitely an exciting team, okay? No game is out of reach either way. Yeah, I gotta like kind of watch it when I watch the Red Sox this year, my kids are around. I don't flip out the way I used to. I'm telling you that George St. Pierre thing, that inhale, exhale, smile,

and I hadn't been doing it for a few days and I felt the temper was coming back a little bit. So I've been doing it again. But I gotta tell you, dude, I fucking, I went like three days without losing my shit about anything. And I even mean like driving around LA and people not, you know, I'm always good for fucking, you know, screaming, go!

All right, Jesus Christ. Always on the fucking horn, people drifting into my lane. And I just was like, I'm not losing my shit out here. Inhale, exhale, smile. I'm not using the fucking horn. And I went like three days. I've never done that in my life out here. And then of course I fucking did.

And my son was in the car. He was like, dad, why'd you do that? Why'd you do that? And I was like, cause that guy's being an idiot. He's like, why, why, why he an idiot? I go, because he's drifting, he's staring at his phone, he's drifting into our lane, he could hit our car. And he just goes, oh. Can we get ice cream?

I love the non-sequiturs. I love the non-sequiturs. They just fucking, you know, whatever you're talking about, then all of a sudden they, whatever the hell they, you know, they want waffles, ice cream. It's usually some sort of food, sweets type of thing. Anywho, old Billy's back in the gym. That trip up to Winnipeg messed me up a little bit because then I came back and I had to do the comedy jam and then I had to do, that was my Sunday and then Monday we rode bikes and then Tuesday I was in a little bit of a depression and then Wednesday I was like, all right, you've got to go to the gym now. You're going to become a fat fuck again.

Because that's what happened. I forget what I ate. I think I had pizza or something. You know, Billy Beluga, the fucking white whale, just immediately coming back. I swear to God, dude, I'm an old motherfucker. If I don't eat perfectly, I immediately start putting on weight. And I'm like, I know what this is. Nature wants to take me out.

This is what it is. It's like, all right, you're old, you've procreated, you've taught your kids what they need to know. It doesn't give a fuck how late I started. Like at my age, I should have kids out of college, right? So my body's like, gear and to like be alright Just make him as fat as Ben Franklin and then he just fucking keels over flying a kite. That's what it's trying to do to me It's like at 56. It's not even fair Like one fuck. It's like a fucking asshole. It's not fair. Jesus Christ, but it's true

one fucking bad meal is the equivalent of going on a three day bender back in the day. Anyway, I don't think I talked, did I tell you guys about doing the benefit at that movie theater in Gardena, the Gardena cinemas? I can't remember if I, no, I think I did on the last one.

And now I follow them on Instagram and I gotta go down there and go to a fucking movie. Like, they were showing the Breakfast Club, right after showing like, Taxi Driver, then they showed the Breakfast Club. So it's pretty much running the gamut down there. And what did they have the other day? It's just like every movie they're showing, it's like, fuck, I remember that movie or I always wanted to see that movie.

And once again, I stand by, you gotta see that Al Pacino, Gene Hackman movie, Scarecrow. I think it might be Gene Hackman's greatest performance. He is so unbelievable in that movie. And then there's the one scene where he's gotta sorta not be grouchy anymore. And when he cuts loose, he was so goddamn funny. I had no idea. I knew he could do the drama stuff.

I didn't know he could do the comedy stuff too. He's got was fucking hilarious. So anyway, I got one last gig. One last gig here. The leftovers. And then I'm just kind of off for the summer. I got a gig up in Fresno this Friday. Looking forward to that. It's one of my favorite. I don't know. I love

doing that city because it's a nice quick, you know, quick flight up, you know? And, or if I drive, the 99 is cool. And I'm gonna do a run of dates when I put together my new hour after I take my break. I wanna do, there's a bunch of like Fox theaters on that run up the 99, and then I wanna do another one going down the coast of California

because you know people are always shitting on California it's fucking hilarious it's like you don't know anything about it first of all it's a fucking incredible state all right and you know we go to taxes are high yeah the taxes are high because fucking Trump got mad at us and then also the state fucking goes from Florida all the way up to like New Jersey. It's a fucking huge state. It's a gorgeous state. I'm going to do something different. I'm going to say positive stuff about it. And then the governor gets all this Gavin Newsom other guy fucked up this fucking state. It's like, no, you know what? Fuck

this fucking stake state up and fucked up all the states and fuck this country up that war in Iraq. That's what fucked everything up. We had money, we had a fucking surplus. And then we fucking went over there. And it wasn't Republicans making the decision. It was fucking oilmen who got in disguised as Republicans. Those weren't Republicans. Those were fucking business businessmen and they went over there and they fucking all they got weapons of mass destruction that now that turns out they don't it's a liberation they just kept changing it was still fucking there hopelessly in fucking debt that is what has caused inflation that is what's caused all these extra fucking taxes because there's no fucking money and every

fucking year they're like what do we do do we shut down the government or we print another trillion dollars that's what's fucking everything up golly people fucking sitting here with this bullshit. I fucking saw this thing on Instagram, this ridiculous house wasn't even an apartment. It was a fucking house that they built in Manhattan. It was like $85 million. In the comments section was the most depressing thing. These people would just go and oh my God, imagine, you know,

forgetting your iPad on the top floor or imagine, you know Trying to find your fucking the dirt. Oh shit is good. That's not what you should imagine You should be imagining how fucking dishonest you'd have to be and how many people you'd have to fuck over To get that thing That's what you should be thinking about. And it fucking blows my mind that these fucking people, they keep, I can't get into it.

They just keep fucking, they blame poor people. They blame people with no fucking power and they just look the other way as these robber barons are just fucking them in the ass but they're the same color as them so for some reason they can't fucking see what they're doing or they feel like well they're the same color as me so maybe I could be that person or am I that person adjacent it's like no you're not that. That's the person that's fucking you.

Getting rid of jobs and all of that. I got good Lord, I'm on the fucking I'm on the goddamn soapbox again. Let me shut your flashlight off. There you go. How the fuck did I even turn the goddamn thing on? All right, let me get to, uh, let me get to the reads here for this. That's a fuck. That's I'm not gonna lie to you. That was a weird segue. Um, or I could talk about, I haven't even watched an F1, but I did see when, uh, Max

Verstappen and Hamilton collided and Max got all mad and the his fucking crew chief told him to stop being such a baby on the radio I Don't know I don't know shit about it. I just saw it looked like he came to the corner hot. He locked him up and then Lewis Hamilton just do what you supposed to do. He knew the guy was in trouble He knew that he needed more track and he's just like well, I'm not gonna give it to you I'm just gonna stay right where I'm at and But I'm sure Lewis Hamilton didn't want to collide with this car

But they did and it just always kills me. It just seems whenever that happens. Nothing really happens to Lewis Hamilton's car And then also I thought it was fucking hilarious that Hamilton was involved and the other guy was being called a baby So that's kind of like if if Lewis Hamilton's involved in an incident and you end up being called a baby That's when you really gotta look at yourself. Anyway I still gotta get caught up next week. I'm about three races behind in MotoGP.

I gotta get caught up while I run the break and then watch it for the rest and I'll have time because I'll be off the fucking road to watch the rest of the season. Alright with that let's do the reads for this week. Oh look at what it is everybody it's Simply Safe. Imagine a burglary at your home if you're picturing a shady character. Oh, that's a weird way how they just did that. How the copy was. Imagine a burglary at your home, period. If you're picturing a shady character

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That includes a four week trial plus free postage and free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone on the top of the homepage and enter the code BURR. B-U-R-R. All right. Well, there you go. So that was my week.

That was the week that was. I'm gonna do some standup here this week. I've been putting together the new fucking hour, you know? Presidential election, there's always shit to talk about there, you know? A buddy of mine was all sitting there freaking out, talking about how the Democrats are like fucking over RFK Jr. They're not even allowing the guy on the ticket and he goes and then how about the fact, you know, this Kamala Harris, I go, what about it? He goes, they didn't

even let us elect her. They just appointed her. And I was like, all right, well, fair enough. But they the Democrats do that all the time. The last two elections, you know, we wanted Bernie Sanders. They're like, no, fuck you. You're getting Hillary Clinton, and then you're gonna get fucking Forgetful Freddy there, whatever that is, hell, Joe Biden. Joe bag of donuts, where did I put them? Yeah, he was getting all into this shit.

He was going, dude, they forced the guy to step down and blah, blah, and I was just, that's the first thing I've heard the Democratic Party do in a long time that I thought was a good idea. It's like, good, get him out of there. Get him the fuck out of here. Yeah, he was like one of those old dictators, you know, like towards the end of Fidel Castro,

if he's still, if he's dead, if you believe that, you know, if he's not running around with John Gotti and, who's the other guy they say, well, John Gotti they say he's dead, who's the guy that they always say is still alive? When I was growing up, it was Elvis and Jim Morrison. People would say that they fucking saw him all the time. Would always say that they were still alive. And,

like, can you imagine like faking your death being that famous? And it's not that other people would see you. It's that the authorities, they're the ones. Because once you fake your death, now you're not paying tax. That's gotta be somebody that did it successfully. But how would you know? I mean, that's that whole world of those people, you know,

that escaped from Alcatraz, and they're just like, yeah, they drowned. There's no way that current's too strong. The fucking shark, somebody fucking got him or whatever. And, um, oh my God, that's how bad prison is. That's how bad being in a fucking prison is, that you would risk being swept out to see

the most terrifying fucking thing ever other than getting eaten by a fucking shark. If you're lucky, hypothermia. That's the best you got. Oh, I'm just going to fucking freeze to death. Anyway, there must have been somebody that successfully faked their own death. You know, I got to look that up the second I'm done with this fucking podcast, I have to look that up. There's got to be somebody like, and I mean, just beyond committed a crime just like hated their fucking life or maybe was buried in child support maybe

never wanted kids you know those fucking weirdos you ever meet somebody that like not not not that they don't want kids those weirdos that don't want kids and then they have kids and then they still don't want them i mean that's like fucking reptilian um like that person, then you get a fucking divorce from this broad who said she was on the pill and she lied and she pulled the goalie, right? And then you had a kid and you had the kid and you're waiting to feel love for it and you never did. And then you get divorced, right? And you got 18, you're staring at fucking whatever. A decade and a half of child support

for something you don't love. And it wasn't even your idea. You got tricked into it, but the state doesn't give a fuck. And then you just fake your own death. And then you got to spend the rest of your fucking life Then you just fake your own death. And then you've got to spend the rest of your fucking life. You know, that's got to be awesome during the child support. But when the child support is over and you're still on the run, then you've got to be like,

oh man, what if I just toughed it out? Ah, fuck, that kid's gotta be like, going off to college now. What if he's like a fucking athlete? Ah, Christ, I blew it. I've met a few people like that. Not people that faked their own death, but I definitely met a few people that had kids and they go like, yeah, they say it's gonna change it.

It doesn't. And I remember when like had kids and they go like, yeah, they say it's gonna change it. You know, it doesn't. And I remember when I didn't have kids thinking like, wow, that's a fucking big statement. And then once I had kids, I was just like, oh, that person's just a fucking sociopath. They just don't feel feelings at all. It's insane. I've been having the kids in the yard in the fucking yard.

They asked me to play baseball now. How great is that? And then they get up there and I make them, you know, I make them hit from the other side of the plate too. And my son has been complaining about it, but now he does it. And he's getting better at it. And now he still puts the bat on the wrong shoulder at first but he switches his hands. So, and my daughter's just been crushing like home runs, you know, so I, we have to start hitting the other way. So it hits the house because I got tired of fucking going

after, you know, I don't have any, I don't have an outfielder. I got tired of going after the fucking ball. So we got that coming up the home run derby we played that every night right before supper. I still call it supper. That's what it was called when I was a kid, you know, I'm told sort of God, this is my life. I'm just I've decided I can't deal with the present. I can't change the present other than my fucking own little interactions. Like what, you know, all things comedy

and we did that benefit down there for that movie theater. And it was the most positive vibes of any show I can remember. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna start fucking doing that. That's what I'm gonna do. You fuck these politicians, fuck these corporations,

fuck all of these people. They're getting rid of the middle class. The politicians aren't stopping them. There's nothing I can do about it. But you know what? I can go around and I can go fucking as a citizen, help out other citizens with fucking businesses. I can just go do, I can just, when I put together my new hour, I'm just gonna go around and do random shows These fucking places let the places keep the money I get to do my show, right? Because I think at the end of the day that is the solution if we if we for some somehow could stop yelling at each other About you know, Jesus freak red hats

and fucking libtards and all of this crap. If we actually just said, let's just set aside our differences and fucking help each other out and just literally took politicians out of the fucking equation. I mean, you sit there and you wonder what the fuck that would look like Then you know, it would be amazing. Is it how fucking panic they would be if we all started getting along and

Stopped arguing like if all of a sudden out of nowhere all the arguing on the inner internet You know like nobody in America hit the caps button unless they were trying to type the first letter of the first word of a sentence like how fucking freaked out they would be and Then watch them desperately Try to make us mad at each other again To the point of staging something I would I would buy it I one of those people, I fucking believe that they do that. Like, you know, I remember like during

the Black Lives Riot thing, there was a bunch of people that were at there and they would show just these random, like piles of bricks that were just sorta dropped off, hoping that the people would grab it and throw it through a window so they could be like look see they're prone to violence bottle-blown all that stupid racist shit I 100% believe that they do that to whatever race whatever group whatever state whatever fucking economic thing that they need whatever

they need to nudge in a particular direction I think that they do shit like that Am I paranoid probably? Probably Who gives a fuck? Anyway, all right. So if you like me if you're a dad you got a couple of kids You're a dad, you got a couple of kids. And you always want to ride a fucking big Harley. Just take one day to do it.

The odds are in your favor. You're not going to die. Just you got to fucking do it. All right. The most amazing fucking feeling I've ever had. And I mean, it was up there with the first time I soloed a helicopter. And after I landed and I didn't fuck up

the level of exhilaration that that was. And I was riding back with Dean, I go, dude, I gotta tell you, we went out to Vegas, we went to that track, we got to ride, drive Ferraris and Lamborghinis and Porsches and all of that. I go, that was fucking incredible.

I highly recommend that too, when you go to Vegas, there's all this dumb shit people, let's go golfing at the wind and all of that crap, fucking go down the street. There's a this dumb shit people. Let's go golfing at the wind and all of that crap fucking go down the street There's a track down there And for a very reasonable amount of money Compared to having to buy one of those fucking cars. You can just tear around the track in them for an hour um

But I gotta tell tell you I was saying like Fast car versus riding a fast fucking motorcycle or even a cruiser like what I was on. I go, dude, there's really no comparison. He goes, Oh yeah, none, none whatsoever. It literally felt like the closest you could ever get to be being in the old West and riding a horse at full fucking speed across the field. It was that fucking cool. I know you guys are probably laughing at me but it was fucking unbelievable.

And I got a book myself in Montana or something cause I have to do that again at some point. But I figured, you know, if I just do it once in a blue moon right it'll be alright oh shit my kids are downstairs it's breakfast time alright dad's got to go here alright everybody thank you guys for another incredible tour I'm really looking forward to Fresno I got my favorite coffee shop up there. I will be hitting and yeah, that's it. Citizens Unite, that's gonna be my new fucker thing.

And I'm gonna stand up on a fucker Apple box and hold the sign up like Sally Field and Cole Miner's daughter or whatever the fuck it was. And then I'm just gonna have that same look on my face and then everybody's gonna look at me like I'm some sort of weirdo and Yeah, then that'll be it and nothing will change but I'm gonna make the effort All right, that's it I'll talk to you guys later have a great weekend you cunts football seasons right around the corner Let's go Red Sox and all of that shit. I'll see you. I'm gonna be a good boy. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 25th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? What's going on? The final Monday in July of 2016 and, uh, old freckles. Old Billy Redbeard. Old fucking Billy Fatface. Fucking trying to get the weight off.

Okay, I'm trying to get the weight off. Working out during the day. Eating great. Having a beer at night. Fucking losing everything that he worked for. It's fucking ridiculous. It's ridiculous what one beer does. And I just, I gotta do it.

I got a bunch of beers left over from the fucking 4th of July. They taking up all this space in my fridge, and I'm not gonna throw them out. I Mean there's children that work in the Budweiser factory that fucking you know They sleep on piles of hay right they pay him 29 cents a month. I don't know if that's true. Maybe it's hops I don't know what they sleep on. No, there's no people, there's no children. There's no children working at Budweiser. That's, Peyton Manning wouldn't invest in Budweiser. If there was children there,

I'm just going to go get me a couple of Budweisers. We had protection issues. My wife's on steroids, wasn't me. She flew out her shoulder making smores. So she had human growth hormone thr- I saw what I was going to say about that before I put my balls on somebody's head. I'm sorry. Believe it or not, I'm in a great mood. Yeah, so I got these fucking- I got all these bears in my fridge. What am I- what the fuck am I supposed to do with them?

I can't throw them out. I got bodingtons. I got these fucking, I got all these beers in my fridge. What am I going to, what the fuck am I supposed to do with them? I can't throw them out. I got Bodingtons. I got some Millas. So I just have like one a night, right? And then I have a home pour of fucking whiskey. That's all she wrote. That's all she wrote. I barely even get buzzed off of that too.

When I wake up the next day and I just feel like shit, I don't know why I keep doing it. It's a habit I have to break. I am a one and a half drink alcoholic I have to have one and a half drinks and get a little buzzed every night I Want to go to a fucking AA meeting and say like that's my problem you know I'll never forget when it started going off the rails when I Yeah, I would have I'd have one Miller light tall in a can and then I'd have a home pour of whiskey.

Of course, after I finished that, I would just stop and I'd go to sleep. The next day, I'd wake up and I'd be totally functional and I'd go to work. I'd definitely be a little grouchy. And that's my story. Okay, thank you for sharing. This guy comes up, my uncle raped me with a 12 pack when I was five, woo hoo! Right? They'd throw me out of there.

They'd be walking up, put down them donuts. I don't know why they all have southern accents. In my world, everyone in AA's from the south. You know why? They never got over the war. They're still fighting it down there. The south's going to rise again. And do what?

You're going to secede from the Union? You're going to get old Stonewall Jackson Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. to come back and take over for you. You know what I say to that? I say good luck. I say good fucking, you know, do it. Just know this, you can't have Florida.

And if you can't have Florida and you can't go to California, where are you going to take your kids? Huh? When they say, you know, when they're fucking sitting there watching your Confederate TV, right? And it's a small world comes on, which is even more apropos, whatever the fuck you say it, because you're just like nine fucking states down there, whatever the hell you are, right?

It's a small world after all. And they're like, what do they call fathers down there, whatever the hell you are, right? It's a small world after all. And they're like, what do they call fathers down in, what do they call? Benetto Jim Dad. I wanna go to Disney World. You can't, cause you seceded from the union. You can't go to Disney's land, and you can't go to his fucking world.

You know what, you go? Talladega! You can go see the Winston Cup series, huh? They got a water slide out there? I don't think they do. They got a bunch of adults skippin' around in fucking outfits that scare children. They do not. So let me tell you something,

fucking there, Mason Dixon, Mason and Dixon, why don't you think twice think about everything you're gonna lose out on if you seceded from the Union huh no more Disneyland no more Disney World sea worlds down there you don't get to see those fucking fish that don't want to be there you know a lot of people think like fish like don't give a fuck that they're in a tank. You know, just because they don't have an ability to speak to us, that therefore that means they're fine with it. We treat fish like immigrants, you know, the fish is fucking looking at you.

You just like speak English. You got a problem with that tank, spit it out. Fucking sit there staring at me with your eyes on the side of your fucking scaly head. Be happy I didn't eat you. You look at me one more time, I'll cut your fucking head off. I'll roll you into some flour with an egg wash

and I'll deep fry you motherfucker and I'll make you into some flour with an egg wash, and I'll deep fry you, motherfucker, and I'll make your friends watch. Sit there and fucking stare at me, like I work for you, I don't work for you, who here's in a tank? That's right, I didn't think so, I didn't think so. Anyways, Bill, why are you so off the fucking walls today? You know why?

Because we wrapped at least the script writing part of season two of Efface for Family, which means I get to go back to being a fucking 14 year old who has no fucking job, no responsibilities, no nothing. Just a bunch of beers in my fridge that I'm slowly going to kill. I do the elliptical in the morning and then I give it all back with a can of beer. And that's what I do, right? While I fucking wear out my joints.

That's all I'm really doing right now. I'm just maintaining. Isn't that what a lot of people in this digital age are just trying to do? Aren't they just trying to maintain? Just trying to keep their heads above water in this time of change and robots? If they fucking, does the election, has that happened yet? Jesus fucking, you can't go near the goddamn TV. Everybody's so fucking scared.

Oh, it's going to happen. Nothing is going to continue on the way it's supposed to go. And whether the fucking comb over or the clam gets in the house, it's going to go in the direction that the money wants it to go into. And if it doesn't, okay, they're going to Dallas. Right? And they're not going to be in a Tesla. They're going to fucking roll out

that 63 fucking stretch Lincoln convertible. That's right. They're going to get the old right there Fred to their fucking, Jesus Jesus Christ the two of them You know what I mean their heads you know what if I was in Secret Service There would be a head size that you could not be above You know or or else the president would have to sign a waiver just like you know both of them Hillary and fucking and Trump they have they have like

Like if you could make sliders out of Ted Kennedy's head Hillary and fucking Trump, they have like, like if you could make sliders out of Ted Kennedy's head, that's what the fuck they have. That is the most amazing thing about Ted Kennedy. He had the biggest fucking head out of all of them and nobody ever took him out. You know, you would think that that fucking guy out of all of them, they all had big squashes, right? You know, it's all had big squashes, right? You know?

It's all good looking men do, right? You got to have a big head, big stupid head with the square jaw, that look in your eye like everything's going to be OK, the kind of thing that make women go, oh, he could pay for all my stuff, right? One of those heads. Well, what's his face? Ted Kennedy was ahead of his time. No pun intended, right? If you wanted to know how fat people were going to get, if you wanted to know how big sodas were going to get, if you wanted to know how fucking ridiculous,

you know, McMansions and all this shit and all the stuff that we were going to buy in the age of consumerism, right? If you were back in the 1950s trying to guess, you had to wager, which way is it going to go? Are we going to go back to living on dirt floors and log cabins? Are we going to have kegerators and fucking chocolate fountains in our houses? All you had to do is look at Ted Kennedy's head and be like, there it is. That right there, that's an omen. You know, the interesting thing about Ted Kennedy's head, it was in his entire time he was alive, it was never backlit. Ever.

People tried, it just was never enough light. You know? There's not even a picture of him like blocking out the fucking, like not even the sun could reach around either side. It just became night. And he walked outside. Hey, I'm saying he had a big head, you know I got a big head. I Got a big head I do

Literally and figuratively I got a giant head I got a fucking ego and a half because I got the whole week off and what am I gonna do? I'm gonna rest up Getting ready for my European tour, like the red fucking headed whore that I am, and I'm gonna fucking, Tuesday night, I'm gonna be at the Steve Allen Theater on Hollywood Boulevard, the Boulevard of Dreams.

I'm gonna be there, and just basically saying my shit. So, you know, all you need to do is just fucking say it a few times, right? Just mutter it to myself, walk around the block, talk to myself, hands in my pocket, vigorously scratching the side of my ball sack, right? Having the cops come by, having them pull over. Asking me what I'm doing, do I live around here?

Are you a vagrant? Sorry. Did you guys see Rudy Giuliani's speech about the police, man? That was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life, the way he was trying to get that crowd going, you know? They come to your house, they didn't ask to be there, they'll take a bullet for you.

All right? I wanted him to keep going. You know, he just basically described police officers' jobs, but I wanted him to keep going and I wanted him to betray how wealthy he is and the influential friends that he has. You know, they come to your house. They say you're under arrest, but you have your lawyer meet him in the driveway, and they say Rudy will turn himself in in three days, and they all leave, and the charges go away.

I wanted him to go that far Because here's the deal, you know, the way the police are being painted right now is fucking ridiculous It's the same way, you know If one comic sucks then every fucking comic out there has a lampshade on their fucking head. You know, I mean There's definitely some terrible people that are police officers, but that doesn't mean that they're all bad. Okay? Now, Rudy Giuliani, you can't fucking stand there where you exist in society with your skin color and think that you can accurately describe police officers. You know, you need somebody a little more mid-range. Well, maybe it's good that he said that.

Okay, now we got the high end, right? Black people fucking said their end. And then you just need somebody in the middle. Nah, you still can't do it. You still can't do it. Because of racism. You got to try to balance the whole fucking thing out. I don't know.

Who knows? You know what would be great? With the fucking cell phone cameras and then the cops filming themselves, what would be great is if somebody fucked up as a cop, if they actually got fired, if they actually fucking were punished and went to jail, if they actually murdered somebody, not like you know one or two or three people, if they'd actually just started doing that, I don't know. I don't know if there's any fucking solution to it, you know

what I mean? It's a hell of a fucking job to have. Where you got to walk up to a fucking car, not knowing if you're going to get shot or not. That would make me a little edgy. You know what I mean? I think a lot of cunts can sit in their fucking living room when they're perfectly safe being like, oh, you know what I would do? This is what I would have done, right?

Like when you watch your fucking quarterback throw an interception and then you say, I would have dumped it off to the tight end. Oh, is that what you, that's what you would have done on your fucking quarterback throw an interception and then you say I would have dumped it off to the tight end Oh, is that what you that's what you would have done on your fucking couch? I Think it's an impossible job. And I also think that's this an element to that job that fucking Sadistic psychopaths are attracted to Bouncers and all those things there's a lot of people that just want to beat the shit out of people that go for that job

Then there's other ones that go there. They have their heart in the right fucking place, you know, but they don't really make the news You know what I mean? It's kind of like comics like every night we tell jokes Nobody gets offended and then one cunt gets fucking offended and then all of a sudden is that what it's like bill Somebody getting unarmed somebody unarmed getting murdered is like somebody getting in trouble for a Caitlyn Jenner joke Gee bill thanks for fucking explaining that one. Oh fuck you. It's my podcast. Okay, I Choose not to read I Choose not to be informed. That's my choice. Okay. I'm like one of those feminists

You know when they fucking start yelling about they don't tell me what to do with my body, right? Don't tell me what to do with my podcast, all right? No more podcast shaming. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh shit, I had the fucking greatest set I've had in fucking months, Saturday night at the Comedy Store in the main room. There was this chunk of material I'd been trying to work out.

I finally said it the right way. And then I came home. I was so confident of it. I played it for my wife and even she laughed. And that's the deal. When you try something new, this is the litmus test. And I don't even know what the fuck that means. I don't even know if I'm saying it right.

Litmus? Latmus? Modal? Right? My fucking test is I then play it for the lovely Nia. And if she fucking laughs, you can make your fucking wife get behind the new shit that you're doing,

then you know you're on to something. You know, because in general, what they do when they first meet you, they're like, oh my God, you're amazing, and they just fucking pump you up, right? So you start going like, whoa, she's really cool, man, right? And then once they get you, once you're fucking in the relationship,

once you give them the ring and you get married, then they fucking just grab the reins and start yanking back. Whoa, Nilly, whoa! Right? They start yanking the fuck back, Nilly, whoa! Right? They start yanking the fuck back. Not because they're jerks. It's just out of fear.

He's going to do something new. He's going to find something new. He's going to find somebody new. That's what they do, unlike guys. Everybody knows that men are totally secure with who they are. I'm just doing this right now for any guy who's listening to this podcast next to a woman just to listen to her going, oh my God, how can you listen to this guy?

He's such an idiot. Let me tell you something, lady. All right? And don't look at him right now because he's not saying this. I'm talking to you, sweetheart in the background, shaking your fucking look at him right now because he's not saying this I'm talking to you sweetheart in the background Shaking your fucking head at your man who's gonna die before you Let him have his laughs Okay, what you feel right fucking now is what a man feels when he comes home and you're walking

You're watching those Botox squawking fucking whores Okay doing the recap of their fucking season with that Andy Cohen or whatever his name is. That fucking genius. He's like the gay Byron Allen, you know, where they just found a show where there was no show. Everybody was like, there's no show here. And the genius of that guy to be like, yes there is.

It's not enough that you got a bunch of screaming whores yelling at each other that someone's going to sit down and watch it every fucking night. The fact that he then does the recap and just sits there. You don't have to write anything new. They do it for you. He just sits there and effortlessly hosts the show. He's a master. He just sits there and he has this this fucking setlist like a comic but all it is is to get these women yelling at each other and he just he just just watch the brilliance of that man. He just fucking sits there and

if it's if it's fucking simmering, he turns up the heat. You know? You know in episode four, Kathy, she had some choice words in the moment. That's all he has to say. Oh my God, when she called me a fucking cunt. And then she goes and he just fucking lays back like Ali, right? And when he was fighting George Foreman He just lets these women start fucking punching each other out They run off set and he sits there And this is the brilliance of this man is he sits there and he actually has a look on his face like he truly gives A fuck like he actually gives a shit about these people. He's just sitting there going. That's great TV

There we go that just sold some toothpaste, and he's just fucking raking it in. Look at the guy, he looks like a million bucks. A lot of people don't know this about that man. He's 83 fucking years old, you know? Everybody talking about Dick Clark, how great he looked right to the fucking end. Yeah, well, close to the end. That, I should have said that, but fucking, you know,

whatever, we all go out like that, right? But, um, he's fucking 83. A lot of people don't know that. You'd think the guy was like, you know, like, whatever. What, 37? I have no fucking idea. There's gotta be people hosting real shit that's fucking different, Coco. Why the fuck didn't I just do that? What he is, is he's doing a sophisticated Jerry Springer. You know, everybody's sitting down, there's no punches thrown, they scream and yell,

they cross their legs. This is one thing I'll say about the Real Housewives, their fucking legs are incredible. It's fucking amazing. Their legs are like fucking 22 year olds. Their fucking faces, woo! You know? Jesus Christ.

And I got a lot of fucking nerve saying this, considering the way I look. Considering the way I travel the world, looking like an albino balding hellboy, minus the working out, right? I look like the thing if it was skinny and didn't have that skin disease, you know what I mean?

But yet could not go out in the sun. That's what I am. I'm a middleweight thing minus whatever. What's it made out of? Come on, come on, Comic-Cons. You know what he's made out of. You know how he turned into that. Was it another accident in a lab?

Huh? Did he come here from another planet and then get bit by a spider and then got blinded by some shit and now he's a fast ant living in somebody's fucking head, you know? Driving a jet ski down to Middle Earth. Jesus Christ, just when you think,

just when you fucking think that The Real Housewives is the dumbest fucking thing you're ever going to watch, they come out with another stupid fucking superhero movie. Jesus fucking Christ. Can somebody get the, just collectively get these nerds some hookers? You know, why don't they go, what do the kids go on nowadays? What is that?

What is that fucking, you know, it's one of those apps, whatever the fuck it is, it's not, is it Tinder? One of them is like the horny one, and then the other one's like, oh, you know, I like this kind of food, and I'd like to have three children. You know, the douche app, and then you got the other one, it's just like, you know, hey, you know, I got some booze, you know, I got a ding-a-ling.

I want to stick it in your fucking, your fucking keyhole there. Whatever it is, that's fucking amazing. God bless this generation. You know what I mean? That's fucking great they have that. You know, it's weird. Every year, like life becomes easier. You have to think less, but it gets more expensive. It's fucking nuts

You know what I mean? I can tell you right now if there was fucking free porn and there was these dating sites You know how much easier your fucking life would have been when you were a kid Just not having a fucking oh God Jesus, I remember having to go out to those stupid fucking, you just going out to these fucking clubs. You know, I was going out there in the fucking late 80s, walking into a nightclub, bop bop ba bop ba bop ba bop bop bop bop bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba

bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba bop ba b That girl is poison. Ah hee hoo hoo hoo. And everybody with their fucking puffy ass pants, walking around wearing driving gloves inside. Fucking music loud as shit, you know? Now you can sit there in your fucking underwear

just scrolling through people like you're a fucking rock star on, you know? Like whenever you hear that shit, like how the roadies would go out and pick the fucking women that the band was going to fuck. And they'd be like, like whenever you hear that shit, like how the roadies would go out and pick the fucking women that the band was gonna fuck. And they'd be like, yeah, you, but your friend's gotta stay. And then the fucking friend would leave.

She'd be like, Marcy, how did you leave me? And she just fucking walks away, just for one night, to fuck some guy from Deep Purple, right? And then years later, the two of them meet, you know, at a high school reunion. And then the fucking one that left the other one, left Marcy behind, is all fucking nervous

that Marcy's gonna let her now husband know that she fucked, you know, the Maracas player, the Maracas player from Deep Purple. He wasn't even a full member. They just had him on for that one fucking song because Santana scared the fuck out of him. They thought that was the direction the music was going to go. Then once they realized that mainstream music was only going to accept one Santana. Right? And there wasn't going to be another fucking type of Santana.

Tell those guys, Bumbley-ah, Bumbley-ah. And then there was Ricky Martin. Ah-sah-ba-dee-bah-bah-pah-poo-pah-pah-dee-bah-poo. Right? And years fucking later, they're at the fucking high school reunion. And she's just fucking with her eyes. She's trying to be like, oh, so good to see you. She's fucking like bringing her in, like trying to fucking sort of muffle her and choke her out.

Like don't fucking say shit to my husband and then they fucked him in a rocker's player and fucking beat purple, right? And then Marcy, she's just not, she's a woman, she's just not going to come out and say it. Where's the fun there? Then it's over, you know? It's like a cat playing with the mouse.

She's just going to linger. She's going to start talking to the husband. Yeah, act at all interests, not looking at fucking, you know, Marcy, right? And then she's going to kind of glance over at her. And then she's just going to just slowly let it out yeah me and your wife yeah we were crazy back then remember all those concert we went to and she's just gonna watch their I forget who's Marcy at this point the fucking chick who got left we'll just

say Marcy's the married one all right you're just gonna see her face fucking fall it's his fucking chick just twist the fucking knife. Is she gonna tell? Is she not gonna tell? And then she'll back off and change the subject, and then she'll gradually come back around to it, and this fucking guy's just standing there, doesn't know a fucking thing. Um, I'm sorry. I was just, you know, I was just doing a table read for a fucking screenplay I'm writing called, uh, Marcy's a Cunt. You know? And I've been shopping around Hollywood forever and I tell you, as great as the script

is, for whatever fucking reason, they just cannot get past the title. You know? It's just this politically correct age that we live in. Alright, let's get to some of the reads here for this week. Oh, for Christ's sake, Bill, did you even fucking... Did you even fucking... No, you didn't. There we go. Alright, here we go.

Four reads. Alright. Now that we got that out of the way, it's time to go back to the pool pool. Did anybody watch the Hungary Grand Prix yesterday? Did you? Well? Did you? Well, did you? Lewis Hamilton wins again. Nico Rosberg came in second, and now Lewis Hamilton.

That's the fifth time he won that race. I learned that he passed Craig Shoemaker, stand-up comedian and legendary fucking F1 driver. No, Michael Schumacher. Every other Grand Prix driver sounds like the guitarist in Scorpions, in the Scorpions I should say. You know what was fucked up about that track, and I don't know shit about this sport, it just seemed whoever was in first,

like the race was to the first turn and then it was just fucking over. You couldn't get past anybody. You know? Who was that fucking lunatic zigzagging behind the red bull? Huh? Going back and forth, he cut off the front of his fucking car? Was it Sebastian Vettel? Was it Max Verstappen? Ladies and gentlemen on the guitar, Max Verstappen. Ba da da, ba da, ba da, ba da. Kimi Raekwungen was the driver of the day. He was in like a fucking 90th place and he moved up to like seventh or some shit.

I had to, it's one of those, Race for Fourth was really entertaining, but I didn't like how, you know, seventh or some shit. It had its moments. Race for fourth was really entertaining, but I didn't like how there was no way for fucking Nico to even try to pass Lewis. Once he got out in front that fucking track, it was just kind of stunk. Like Lewis Hamilton was just driving around. Yeah, yeah.

Right? The whole fucking time. And they were just showing the race for fourth and fifth and third and fourth and then like they were on the final lap. And it was so fucking boring out front. They were still back, you know, watching that guy zigzag. Hey, Formula One fans, I don't understand where they, like the fucking rules. Well, Bill, why don't you look them up?

Well, it's easier to ask you guys. It's also funnier if I talk about them and I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't get out when the guy who cut off the front of his car, right? One of the fucking Finns. I did find it funny that they were like, yeah, people do that all the time and it doesn't affect the performance of the car. Doesn't seem to anyways. When he was saying you were only allowed to make one move. Like he went to the right and then he came back to the left and then back to the right and that was considered more than one move. And I was just like, what the fuck, he can't do that?

I thought I left this behind with the NFL season. This is like, you know, he's got to make a football move. That fucking guy, when he tried to go around the other dude, didn't do anything that I don't do. When I'm on the highway, when I'm behind some fucking douche driving too fucking slow on the left lane. Right? Oh, you know what?

And I'm in the second to left lane, right? And there's some guy driving medium speed, and then somebody's just making a wall. And I'm like, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck? And then you go around to the right. Coming around! Now when I watched the race, it was Lewis Hamilton, then Rossburg, and I remember it was a Red Bull, then a Ferrari, then a Red Bull, then a Ferrari.

And then today it's saying Red Bull, Ferrari, Ferrari, Red Bull. So did somebody get penalized? It's fucking unreal. I don't get it. Like, it's always like after the fucking, oh, you thought you won the race, but somebody said something. And hey, don't shift into seventh gear. And they're like, oh, you can't do that.

Don't tell him what he shouldn't do. He's only driving a car at 200 fucking miles an hour. One guy spun out. That was it. There wasn't really any crashes or anything like that. But it was funny. I'm actually totally into it. My wife can't stand it.

She says when I have it on, it sounds like a bunch of bees flying around. But it's still fucking cool as shit. Although, I don't know. That was probably, of all the races I've watched, that's been my least favorite. Just because there was all this, like the start of the race was the most exciting,

and then there was just a bunch of people in the back trying to go around people and they couldn't do it, except for Kimi Raikkonen, the flying Finn, evidently. See, the flying Finn, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, but this is really getting me through the fucking dog days of baseball. I fucking love baseball, but I just, you know, I can't get into it in July and August. I like it in April, you know.

Into May you start seeing what's going to happen and then I just fucking veg out June, July, August, the same way the players do. Right? They're just standing up there like, dude, what the fuck? How many fucking games do you have to play in the regular season before we know who deserves to win the division? 162 fights, isn't that insane? That has to be, if you're going to own a professional team,

that's got to be the sport to do it. 162 home games. Your team's selling out the ballpark? Jesus Christ. Those things have to be... I gotta look this up right now. Look at this. I'm actually gonna do research. Professional. See how you know... Franchises. I should have put sports in there right now if something gonna be fucking talking about McDonald's Worth the most Okay, well this is everything okay the Dallas Cowboys for whatever reason are worth four billion dollars real Madrid

John guessing is some sort of football club in Spain, is worth $3.7 billion. And then there's another one in Barcelona. Is that also Spain? $3.6 billion. The New York Yankees, there you go. Well that makes sense that like world football, as we call it, soccer, would be worth that much money, because that really is.

When you win a world championship, you're winning the World Cup, you're playing against the fucking world, right? It's like an Olympic medal, except you get paid. Then the New York Yankees, 3.4 billion. Then Man United, 3.3 billion. Oh, and then the New England Patriots, everybody's favorite fucking team to hate on, 3.2 billion. Then the New York Knicks, what?

Three billion? Jesus Christ. New York, oh, that's a fixer-upper, right? New York Knicks are a fucking teardown. Oh, this is weird, man. Then the Washington Redskins 2.9 billion? Hey! Shut up! I hate when this happens. Now you got to figure out where the fuck the voice is coming from. Shut up. Oh, there it is. All right.

All right, the Redskins are worth 2.9 billion, then the Giants are 2.8 building, building? Billion. Then the Lakers are 2.7. The Lakers are worth less than the NICs. If anything says that this state is going to fall into the ocean one day, it's that the fact that the fucking NICs are worth more fucking money than the fucking Lakers. Jesus Christ, what are the Celtics worth? Oh my God, Rappaport's going to fucking love that. Well, you know something that actually makes sense, because when you move to Manhattan, can you fucking let me get to the site?

I hate when fucking sites do this. They just got to suck the fucking information out of you. Forbes. Going to give you my fucking email, what, so Time magazine can start fucking spamming me? I don't think so. Why Hillary Clinton should be thankful election is not today. I don't know why. Is there pantsuits all in the fucking dry cleaners? Alright, let's uh, let's do, where am I, how much time have I done? 41 minutes.

You know, some days it feels like work, other days it doesn't. You know, I've become obsessed with, as of last night, is, you know, I've been doing this grip strength thing and I've been fucking doing great, man. I can go up a pegboard now at 48 years of age. I can go up a climbing rope, leaving my skinny fucking alabaster,

fucking albino legs just dangling like a fucking I don't know a couple of appendixes right Jesus I never had to make that plur appendix appendixes tits today's yeah cuz you know what I got those those atomic fucking holes. Those motherfuckers better send me some free shit. I'm sick of hyping those guys up, but they're the shit. They are the shit. So now I want to be able to do one of those, is it called a front lever or front lever? And I watched this guy's YouTube video. I'll repost it. The six easy steps. Hey, lovely Nia, to being able to do a front lever. Did you hear about Paula Abdul? No, what?

She's a singer. And she was a Laker girl. Oh my God. I fucking hate you. Don't do that. Paula Abdul is a national champion. Come on. No, I have to eat my cereal. Oh, okay. I just brought you some of this. Thank you. Come over onto the mic.

Mic, mic, baby. Do, do, do, do, do. Why did you do that about Paula Abdul? I love Paula Abdul. I know, I like making people laugh. I had to pick someone you know if I was like- You can't go, did you hear about Paula Abdul? Like, that's not funny.

Well, it is funny. It is funny. And you're going to sit there and act like you're not going to do it to me? That's true. Who would you pick? Hmm. One of your rock icons, probably. You know, it kind of helps if you pick a name.

Well, I can't tell you because then it's not gonna be a surprise when I do it. All right. No it isn't because you already told me you're gonna do it. See what I did there? Yeah I guess but I can flip it. I don't know it's it's the morning still. Here drink some of your juice. I brought it for you. Oh thank you. Well I gotta do a podcast if you don't mind. Just drink it right now, though. No, people are going to be shit. Because I try not to drink on the mic,

but I have to hold the microphone. Just take a sip of it. All right, then talk to them while I drink it. OK, so on my Snapchat last night, if you guys follow me on Snapchat, I made my fresh squeezed watermelon juice. And I'm giving it to Bill, who loves it. Wow, he's taking it down like a champ.

You give me anything in this glass? I suck it down just like my juice I drink at night. Daddy's medicine. Daddy's medicine. All right, I gotta get back to the podcast, Nia. Okay. All righty? All right.

Okay. What you talking about? I don't really know. This has just been one of these stream of conscious days. That's your whole podcast. I talked about some lady with a basket on her head trying to get water when she fought off a cobra. I do remember that. Okay.

And I also talked about how big the heads are of the people running for president and how I would be concerned if I was the head of security. Mm-hmm. Okay, what else? That's all I can remember. Oh, riveting. Okay. All right, I'll see you. Hey, Nene.

Yes. Do you hear about Lady Gaga? No, I'm fine. She had a meat dress. All right, let's get to some of the questions here. Oh yeah, yeah, so I became obsessed with that front lever. And this guy has a six step thing on how to do it. Because I always wanted to be able to do

the human fucking flag. You know? That's just a great thing to be able to do if you're not a gymnast. Because people just expect you to be able to do it. But if you're just like a dad, you got a couple of kids, you know, you're fucking a gymnast. Because people just expect you to be able to do it, but if you're just like a dad, you got a couple of kids, you know, you're fucking into roofing.

No, that's a physical job, whatever, you fucking build, I don't know. It'd just be something just funny to do, that you could actually fucking do that, just weird people out. You know what that reminds me, I wanted to do a bit on these fucking CrossFit people, but I just feel like it's just too hacky and every comic's going to have a bit on it. So

what's the deal? Why do these CrossFit people, why do they have to like work out in the gym and outside? Why is it just so fucking look at me, we're working out? I work out too. I work out my garage with the fucking door closed. It's the most narcissistic shit. You ever see where they're just like, they're fucking running down the street with like a goddamn fucking tire behind them, right? Somebody show me a picture of a guy doing that.

I retweeted it, right? Running down the street dragging a tire. Why don't you just run up a hill, you fucking moron? You know? Oh, because the tire edge more difficulty. Why don't they run up the hill more times? Increase your reps, you stupid fuck. What are you training for? This stand? I was fucking somewhere in Santa Monica, these fucking jerk-offs, there's like 10 of them outside, and they got the double fucking ropes, that uh, thing that they do.

That the only reason you really need to do that is if you're fighting in the UFC. They're the only people who seem to need to have to do that. Then everybody else wants to be in UFC shape without having to actually have the balls to get in the octagon. All right? So fucking dumb.

Or even when they're inside, there's like down the street there's one for me, it's like this giant garage door and they just have it open. Like look at us, we're cross fitting. I talked to Nia about it, she was saying like, yeah it was like all the rage to be on one of those social media things and like,

oh I did, you know, filming yourself working out, hashtag crossfit, it's just, I don't know. When I was a kid, if you wanted people to look at you, you got into show business, okay? You became a male stripper, you told jokes, you joined a band, you know? Now these fucking assholes, they're making a bunt cake and they got like fucking 80,000

fucking hits and everybody's walking around with the same arrogance that I have. It's not fair, people. I earned. I earned my arrogance. I'm fucking with you. You want to work outside. You want to run down the street with a fucking tire behind you you know what I mean I don't quite understand when to apply the white privilege thing

because I am white and who's kidding who I am one of the whitest of all time you know what I mean I would say Hitler would not be disappointed if I walked into his office but I think the red hair, I think I might be out. Want to chuck white skin, Chuck? Want the blue eyes, yeah? Oh, this one's defective. All right, if you want to help donate to this podcast without having to do fucking anything except buy something on amazon.com. Just go to my website, billburr.com, okay, and there's an Amazon app there.

You click on that thing, it takes you right to Amazon. It doesn't cost you any extra money. I just get credit for driving traffic to their site and then they kick me a little dore me. You didn't have to do nothing. Nobody knows anything and you know, whatever. I go out and I buy myself a ham sandwich. You can do it if you want to. If you don't, that's fine. If you're listening to this podcast and you're like, I hate this thing. Gee, I wish there was a podcast network that had a bunch of other podcasts to choose

from. I would say to go to allthingscomedy.com. The podcast network started by myself and Al Madrigal and a bunch of other people. We got Ari Shaffir over there. I should really go onto the website right now and give you a bunch of fucking names, right? All things comedy, right? Of all the people I used to podcast with. All right, what do we have here? Oh, we got Dean Del Reis, Let There Be Talk, Chris Sain and Anna David, I Have No Control Over

My Vagina. How do you not fucking listen to that? We got Steve Simone. We got Doug Stanhope. My fucking goddamn eyes are going. I can't even read half of these fucking things. Ari Shaffir, Skeptic Tank. We got uh... With Aaron Foley, Sports Without Balls. I mean we got whatever the fuck you want. We got it over there. Allthingscomedy.com. Alright, let's read some shit here for this week. Shall we? Fifty minutes in. Professor Dick Wad. Hey Bill, you hemoglobin laden erythrocyte. I had to look all of that up. That's basically, see, I have a lot of

red in me. A lot of red blood cells, I guess. Let's make this as short and sweet as possible. Hey, alright, why do you, fucking don't lecture me, you cunt. I go to a nice college, I also manage a movie theater in my town, too. You, why would you say also and too? I manage a movie theater in my town also or to. To and also mean the same thing, right? I also manage a movie theater in my town too. Comma to. All right. At school, I've got a film. You said you're gonna make it short and sweet. At school

I've got a film studies class with one of those Pretentious fucking professors that wears young kid clothes to come off cooler than he really is. Yeah, you know what that means. He's gonna fuck a student. I love movies. I've seen plenty of them. That's the reason why I'm taking this class. Well, that's great. Gravitate to what you want. Every time before we watch a movie in this class, the professor asks us to raise our hands if we've seen it before. I raise my hand almost every time, then I look around to see if anyone else is raising their hand. They rarely are. Sure, I'm a nerd, I've seen the fucking movies. Maybe if you didn't play the most standard choices like Casablanca and shit, I wouldn't raise my hand every time. Look at that. You like movies?

You're doing your homework. You're taking a class on it. You're gravitating towards what you want. Very nice. Alright, so. Anyway, I was just recently hired. I was just recently hired on an employee... Dude, you're killing me. I just recently hired on as an employee. You left out the as. At my theater, um, who also happens to be a student of my film studies prof... Oh you went by an employee so anyway I just recently I was just recently hired by an employee

at my theater who also happens to be a student of my film studies professor but in a different class at a different school I think I conveyed what you were trying to say there. As a joke one day I asked the kid, so does Mr. So-and-so ever talk shit about our class? The kid looks me square in the eye and says yeah, actually he does. Dr. So-and-so says there's this one kid in your your your all's class, you mean y'all's class, who always raises his hand when he asks if he's seen the movie, but really he probably hasn't.

Then he looks around the room to make sure everyone is looking at him to know he's seen the movie before. That's hilarious, this guy's getting insecure. You're making your teacher insecure, so then he's got to, oh Jesus, that's probably why he's wearing the young people's clothes, He's talking shit about the other class to make himself seem cool. Ah, this guy's a fucking...this guy's a bitch. I don't like this teacher. He goes, so there

we go. This guy talks shit about me to his other classes when all I'm doing is generally raising my hand after being asked if I've seen the movie or not. In any other case, I'd probably just confront him about this, but I don't want to risk failing the class or something petty like that. Am I overthinking this? What should I do here? I'd walk right up to the guy. I just, boy, who gives a fuck this fucking insecure cunt? He'll probably give you a better grade because with his need to be liked, just walk right

up to him. But yeah, listen, man, there seems to be some confusion on your part that you seem to be trying to work out with the other class as to why I raise my hand every time. I happen to love movies. I work at a movie theater, okay? And I've seen all these movies. And I look around just to see if anybody else has seen the movies because I love movies and I want to talk to people about movies. If you don't want me to keep, you know, raising my hand,

stop doing this paint-by-numbers, basic horse shit movies that you keep picking. What are you going to have next week? Days of Thunder? Huh? You're giving me shit? You're going to come in here dressed like you're going to a fucking... I don't know, what are the young kids listen to? Ah, you just go see The Weeknd? Is that the right thing? Who's the other guy? Who's the rapper who won all the fucking Grammys? Kendrick Lamar? I know who they are. I know a few of their songs. I know The Weeknd's I know a few of their songs. I know the Weeknd's CD starts off going, wah, wah, wah, wah.

You could actually play the beginning of the Weeknd. I think rednecks do it. As much as they probably don't like your skin color, they probably play that when they're out duck hunting to try to get the young ducks you know we're into all this fucking I'm fucking with you I am a fan of the weekend it was hard during that last joke I went to Apollo. All right um hey Billy calorie count thoughts on Melissa McAthi getting flack for losing weight uh all right my first thought on Melissa, I did a movie with her a number of years ago,

was called The Heat, directed by Paul Feig, starring Melissa McCarthy, Sandra Bullock. And that's where I first met Michael Rapaport, you know? Dropping names all over the place, and she is truly one of the most naturally funny, fucking hilarious human beings I have ever met. And she's an absolute sweetheart. Um, so anyways, I didn't realize people were giving- why would you give somebody flack for losing weight? Aren't you supposed to say, hey, great job, good for you? You know? Anyways, so people are saying she's doing it because of Hollywood pressures. That's so fucking dumb. All right.

People are just adding, that's not what it is. It's the same townie mentality when you're finally deciding that, you know, wearing your football jacket and continuing to drink in the local bar you want more out of life and then all don't go forgetting about us so what do you think you're smart now like all of them they don't want to see her get her shit together you know misery loves fucking company you know they would stay here and be out of shape good for her fucking assholes what kind of an asshole when somebody makes a positive move in their life tries to make it negative? Well me I'm a comedian. I do that all the time But besides people like me anyways these people who always say you should be comfortable in your own body No matter what you look like completely ignore basic information like clogged arteries and such absolutely

Maybe Melissa McCarthy doesn't want to die of a heart attack because she wants to meet her grandchildren one day I lost 30 pounds since listening to you fat shame everyone. I honestly didn't know I was getting fat. I was never fat ever. But then three years at an office job in college, I'm 24, I put on the gross 30 I recently lost. Yeah dude, at 24 man, you were headed towards being, you were going to die. If you were 30 pounds overweight at 24 that is not a good thing so congratulations anyways he said I feel a thousand times better I never looked fat because I'm a tall guy and I carry it well so I never heard anything from anyone I did it on my own for myself these fat defenders are ignorantly judging and assuming thoughts on this

also when the fuck do we get to see your gym video? I want to see your pasty legs dangling from a pull-up bar like meat hanging in a locker. Ah, you fucking cunts. No, this is the thing about this business. The only pressure that is, as far as I'm concerned, the only pressure in this business is what you as an individual choose to accept. All right? And everybody does it to a certain point when you first get into entertainment

because you don't know what the fuck you're doing. You come into this business with your hat in hand. You're like, I'll sweep the floors. I'll do whatever you want. Just give me stage time. I'll drive to another state to do five minutes for no money, for $5 gas money. We all do that shit.

But at some point, you then have to put a value on what the fuck it is you're doing, right? And then you start getting paid. Then what happens is you're like going, fuck, you know, you get in this business, it takes a while to get going, and everybody starts creeping into 30. So you start freaking out going,

oh, what is the industry casting? What are they looking at? What is the blah, blah, blah? And all that type of shit, okay? Now a lot of people do not ever get past that because they don't put a value on their talent. And I'm not even talking monetarily. This is just my own belief system.

You have to believe that you have something to say that you know You know, you can't be married to the results. You just got to do that Zen thing. Like I'm talking about this shit I'm doing this and Like take me. All right. I came in in the business. All right a fucking redheaded cunt male, you know So from day one, there's not gonna be a lot of rolls for me Alright, a fucking redheaded cunt, male, you know. So from day one, there's not going to be a lot of roles for me. There's not a lot of redheaded male leads and shit,

you know, I'm the friend, right? That's the deal. That's how it works. The redheaded male is not the fucking cool guy. So to make matters worse, I started losing my fucking hair and I was like, ah, fuck, now what? Do I go out and get plugs and all that shit? And just one day, right, you know,

Neil was just, just buzz your fucking head down. And I was just like, and I just came to this epiphany of just like, yeah, Bill, why are you walking around like you losing your fucking hair is a big deal? Does that mean you're not funny anymore? Does that mean, you know, were you going to be the next Brad Pitt if you kept your fucking hair, right?

And then I just said, yeah, fuck it. So then I did it. And this, and I, ever since I had the philosophy of basically, this is what I look like. And this is what I do. If you want to book me, thank you. If you don't, I understand. The second I went into that mindset,

I never fucking stressed again. So I really think that all that whole, you know, the pressures of fucking Hollywood is, I understand that when you're young, but as you're getting older, you have to fucking, it really has nothing to do with Hollywood. I also, I think it has more to do with why you got into this business, the self-loathing and not liking yourself, I think.

And I have to tell you, this past weekend I watched Ali Wong's special and it was so fucking great and I was sitting there with my wife and I was saying like, what I loved, she went out there and it just was, she was fucking original. All of her stuff was just, it was just fucking, it was just a great set. It was worthy. Like this, it really was a stand up special.

And you know, she went out there, you know, and everybody's making a big fucking deal that, like, because she was pregnant that she did it. Oh my God, all these fucking questions. And I understand why they did that, because no one's ever done that, but there should be more questions about how great the material was.

But I was saying to my wife when I was watching this, I go, you see this? She had a special to do and she didn't give a fuck that she was pregnant. And she just walked out and then she owned it. And now what she's done is she's established herself that now she can just basically do whatever the fuck she wants. She wants to have another kid. She can literally go on tour while pregnant because she's established that.

This is who I am. This is what I'm doing. I'm married. I'm starting a fucking family, and I'm writing killer jokes. This is what I'm doing. Now all these fucking feminists who sit there going, oh my God, Hollywood won't let you be pregnant, I would argue you're giving them way too much fucking power. Way too much power.

Just go out. If every fucking woman out here just started getting pregnant because they wanted to and continued to go on auditions, the whole fucking business would adjust. You make it adjust to you rather than the other fucking way around. And if you haven't seen her special, you know, a lot of the hype on it is the fact that she did it seven months pregnant, but I'm telling you just as Someone who's still if you know as long as I've been doing this a huge fan of stand-up comedy, you know It's the jokes are fucking killer the subject matter all of it it was just like

You know God knows there's a zillion fucking specials out there, but you know, every once in a while, you know, someone comes out like, that was one of the best ones I've seen in a while. So, I guess I would tie all of that back into that. It's like, I would say that she's losing weight. Yeah, she's married, she's got kids, and who the fuck doesn't want to lose weight? I'm trying to lose weight.

No one wants to walk around being overweight. It's not fun. Your life is easier. And people who give a shit about that, I would just say, you know, I feel bad for them because I know they don't want to be out of shape too. You know, I mean, they just, like, being proud to be out of shape, that's like being proud to be like a fucking

alcoholic, you know? You know you got issues. Being proud to be out of shape, that's like being proud to be like a fucking alcoholic. You know you got issues, your fucking heart isn't fucking excited that you're overweight, like that's right, that's right. Every pound of fat is five miles of capillaries. You get 20 pounds overweight, your heart's got to fucking go an extra 100 miles every fucking beat. Stupid. It's not a good thing to be doing. gotta fucking go an extra hundred miles every fucking beat. You know, stupid.

It's not a good thing to be doing. So congratulations to her. I'm struggling right now to lose fucking weight. Oh, I'll tell you, it's not easy. Oh, Billy Boo's bag. All right, Christian Girls Sexual Boundaries. Hey, Billy Bo Berman. I listened to all your specials multiple times

and really love the advice segments you do on your podcast. I'm back home for the summer from my first year of college and I'm hooking up with this six to ten Christian... What? Oh, six out of ten Christian girl the last couple of months of school. I barely even just retained any of that because I was hoping everything that I said came off as positive in that last thing. Anyway, let me reread this. I've listened to all your songs, back for the summer.

Okay, I'm hooking up with this girl, this six out of ten Christian girl the last couple months of school. The encounters basically consisted of me aggressively finger-blasting her, to quench her sexual deviancy. Oh, I love how you're just fucking innocent and all this. And her giving my... Oh, oh, okay, okay. Oh, this is a woman writing this. And her giving my carpet a midnight snack.

What? Oh no, this is a guy. Why are you saying your carpet? Giving my carpet a midnight snack while jerking me off. You lost me in that one. What is your carpet? Your pubes? What is this snack? Because you come on yourself?

I don't even know what's going on here. She's a devout Christian, so she won't get involved with oral sex or anything further. The thing is, her idea of boundaries are pretty amorphous. I don't know what that means. You fucking asshole. You know what? Actually keep doing this. Maybe I'll get smart one day. Amorphous. Amorphous. Without a clear, defined shape or form.

How did I never hear that? My whole fucking life. There's so many fucking words in the English language. And then they always say that, but we use like 19 of them. Four of them are curse words. Alright. She's begged me to pleasure her with the hilt of my screwdriver. Dude, are you from another century? What the fuck is a hilt?

Is that the handle? Don't know why I even had one at college. And jerk me off under her face when we took a late night sleepover shower together. Yeah, but that's not really a facial. When the water's right there, you know what I mean? That's like, you know, you're gonna walk on some hot rocks and you just fucking do a running leap

and touch one for half a second, you keep going, right? She's also into being, it's like picking up dog shit with the little fucking plastic bag around your hand, you know? You're still touching dog shit, but you feel the warmth of it, but you know, there's a boundary there. Uh, she's also into being choked and tied up during, Jesus fucking Christ, up during

dry humping. Apparently, that stuff's still Christian enough for her. I've had sex a few times before this, why are you judging this girl so harshly? All right? This is this religion thing, this is where she's at, just fucking relax. Seems like you're having a hell of a time Because I had sex a few times before this girl and know that even protected Fucking is infinitely more pleasurable than outsourced masturbation

My question to you is do you think she'll ever realize how ridiculous it is to take a load on her face? But not except kind of lingus Will she ever want premarital sex? I know I should go to a gym, lose this girl, get some sleep and take advantage of the pussy coliseum that is my university campus but I'm lazy and want to fuck the low hanging fruit. What can I do to convince her that college sex is natural, wholesome? It would make her feel incredible. Thanks so much and go fuck yourself. I would say you should let this girl go

because you don't have any feelings for her. You're using her as a fucking blow up doll. You just say, you know, I know I should go meet some other people, but this girl's an easy fucking sex hookup. I don't know. I mean, meantime, is she getting feelings for you? Because if you're just sitting there hanging around waiting to be able to fuck her so that

you can then leave, you're already saying she's a six out of ten. That doesn't sound like you have feelings for her. So I'd let her go. I'd let her go and I'd find some girl and just let them know. You're young, so I'm not judging you here. What you got to do early on, and this is what nobody ever tells young men it's just just out of the gate tell women what the deal is all right because believe it or not they can have fun they don't flip out when you just say yeah there's no

way I'm gonna marry you you know if you say it right from the beginning, the second you meet them, right? If you're not feeling anything, but you're just attracted to them, just tell them that. And just fucking let them, you know, work that out. And maybe they're in the same place you are, they just want to fuck,

and they don't want to have a relationship. But if you get into that type of a situation, you got to make sure that you got to have like, you know, you fuck and then you don't call each other or talk or do anything else, you do not hang out and there's got to be at least 10 days between the fucking hookups or somebody starts feeling something and then it's a fucking mess or they get jealous because you're with somebody else or whatever. You know what I mean? And this is what you fucking say from day one.

You tell them that. All right? Just deal. We're going to hook up. Anything you ever wanted to fucking do, you can do with me. You're not going to get judged. You don't have to worry about getting judged because it is what it is. All right?

And then that's it. We don't have to worry about getting judged, because it is what it is, right? And then that's it. We don't call each other, this is what we just fucking use each other for this. Anytime you're feeling horny, if you're not in a fucking relationship, I don't give a shit if you date other people, believe it or not, if you come out of the gate with that shit,

you would be surprised how many women are also looking for that. It's a great, fuck buddy, it's the greatest thing ever. Greatest fucking thing ever. It's like having fucking, I don't know, free tickets to Disneyland. You get to ride on all the fucking rides. You know, you got VIP parking. It's like ordering a pizza. It's tremendous. And you know what? Women also order pizza, if you know what I mean. So, have fun with that, but let this girl go, man. All right, first time flying at 30 years of age.

Hey there, Billy the Ginger Bats. Just want to say I've been a huge fan for over 10 years and have loved every special you had. Well, thank you very much. I'm 30, have never been on a plane and heights kind of freak me out. To top it off, my flight is on 9-11 and makes two stops in between here, Connecticut and Chicago. I'm going there for my job and I'd

really hate to miss out on the opportunity. Basically I'm just looking for advice on how to not freak out and look like a fucking idiot on the plane. Seeing as how you've had so much experience flying, I figured you'd be a good person to talk to thanks and go fuck yourself yeah it's no big deal it's completely safe and you know you're gonna be fine this is the deal you're gonna go up there right this is what you do get on the plane and then just say to the person next to you yet believe it or not this is the first time I've ever flown. Hopefully you're not next to a douche. If they've seen open, just tell them that. All right, but dude, believe me, you're not going to,

if you ever just stomped on the gas when you've been driving a car and you just get back in your seat, it's just sort of like that. And then you're fucking up in the air and it's the coolest thing ever. It's fucking great. And you're going to go from fucking Connecticut

to Chicago in like fucking two seconds. You know, you got two stops there, okay. Well, that's cool. It'll be fun. Yeah, well then you'll be a veteran by the end of it. from fucking Connecticut to Chicago in like fucking two seconds. You know, you got two stops there, okay. Well, that's cool. Be fun, yeah, then you'll be a veteran by the end of it. And yeah, welcome to the fucking 21st century. You're gonna be fine. What I would say is, you know,

just make sure you eat well before you go to the airport. You know, maybe bring some food to go onto the plane. You know, because the go onto the plane. Because the food on the plane sucks, it's fucking overpriced and that type of thing. And that's the only thing I would say. Other than that, you have nothing to worry about. It's gonna be great.

Get a fucking window seat too, if you can. That's the best. First time you fly, you get to look down. It's actually pretty incredible to be doing that at 30 years of age, because you can actually take it in. The first time I flew, I was so young that I don't ever have that, like, oh, this is what it looks like from the fucking ear.

You'll be fine. All right. William, I've been dating my girl. This is the last one, and then I got to get on with my day here of doing absolutely nothing. William, I've been dating my girl for a few years now and everything started out great. However, over the course of the past few months, I've noticed a sudden change in her behavior and was wondering if you've dealt with anything like this before. Yeah, she's either using drugs or fucking someone else.

Or she's depressed. I'm fucking with you. Let me read the rest of this. Basically, when we hang out lately, she just won't stop asking questions. She may ask, what are you listening to? I might say the Bill Burr podcast. Then she will ask why. I don't know, because I enjoy it, he says.

Then she will follow it up with, why don't you listen to the radio or another podcast and down the rabbit hole it goes. Oh, I don't like this person already. The thing is these questions are nonstop and so subjective. It got to the point where I straight up asked her if she was trolling me and she denied it. Everything else in the relationship is going well so I'm not sure what to do. I've talked to her and told her she asked too many questions.

She then turns around on me and says I never want to talk to her any... Oh, she turns it around on me and says that I never want to talk to her anymore. That's not talking It's just asking a bunch of fucking question. So what should I do break up with her? Just answer the questions? What would you do bill? Why is your name bill? Anyways, why not Dave? Huh? Why isn't it Dave bill? Why aren't you answering me bill don't want to talk anymore? Why is the podcast an hour? Anyways, why not an hour 10 or 50? Minutes, huh bill? Yeah, alright dude, I just walked in your shoes there. Yeah, uh, I would break up with her. I'd break up with her. Um, I'd

maybe, but if you really like her I'd give her one last chance and just be like, just tell her you're driving me fucking insane. And um, yeah, you're just, you're driving me fucking insane. I like everything about you but that. And if my life with you is going to be that, I'm going to leave. Okay? But I got to be honest with you, dude, I don't know how people change. Changing yourself, who the fuck you are is really difficult. So hopefully it'll work out with you. So that's what I would do. I would just say, listen, I like everything but that. Everything about you is great except for that. But that is so fucking horrific.

This is going to walk out that fucking door if you don't cut it out. That's it. That's it. If I could redo my whole dating life, it would have been fucking communicating instead of just being like, WHAAAT THE FUCK?!

And then going out and getting shit-faced. What was wrong with you yesterday? Nothing, I'm sorry. And then you don't fucking work it out. Hey, work it out, okay? Alright, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on ya!

On Thursday. Thank you to everybody who's been listening to the podcast. And, um... Obviously, I'm beyond excited to do this tour. Starting, oh my God, the 31st. No, it starts the 30th, doesn't it? The fuck outta here. Oh, my show isn't until the 31st.

Well, what do you know? I'll have an extra day there in Ireland. All right, here it is, in case you're listening. Dublin, Ireland, Belfast, then Galway, then Bristol, UK, Manchester, UK. All right, I probably should say the dates. July 31st, I'm in Dublin. August 1st, I'm in Belfast. August 2nd, Galway. Then I go over to England. I'm in Bristol. On the 3rd and on the 4th, I'm in Manchester. You the third and on the fourth I'm in Manchester.

You know what's in between Bristol and Manchester? John Bonham's gravesite. If I have time, I'm going to pay my respects. I'm not going to do a fucking selfie like a douche. I'm just going to pay my respects if I have the time. August 6th, 5th and 6th, I'm in London, England. August 7th, I'm in Amsterdam. August 8th, I'm in Edinburgh for two shoes.

August 9th, I'm in Edinburgh for two more shows. What the fuck? Doing all right there. August 11th, now wait a minute, yeah. I did say Amsterdam, right? On August 7th. August 11th, I'm in Cologne, Germany. And then August 12th, I'm in Antwerp, Belgium.

And then August 27th, I'm in Reno, Nevada. Back in the USA. All right, everybody, thank you for listening. And thank you to everybody overseas who's been buying tickets. I can't wait thank you for listening and thank you to everybody overseas who's been buying tickets. I can't wait to come over there and make you laugh. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. With your empty smile and your hungry heart Feel the fire rising from your guilty heart With your nose in tatters as the cockroach shatters

And the hammer's back down down the door You better run! I'm gonna be a man. Red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, You better run all day, run all night Keep your dirty feelings deep inside And if you're taking your girlfriend out tonight