Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-26-18

Episode Date: July 27, 2018

Bill rambles about getting old, nutrition, and whiskey.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I am just checking in on you. I'm not yelling it. I'm in Houston right now, and I got a show here in a couple of hours. Bill, I am in an advanced age at this point. This is how old I am. I now qualify for something I never heard of before. It's called AARP. I don't know what it does. It's for old guys like me. We're not 65. We're 50. And evidently, I can now go to the movies for eight bucks. I probably get a free side and met a musil. You know, maybe a little bend to the bend gay when I walk out, but I'm psyched. So yeah, don't let anybody ever tell you that getting old

fucking sucks. Okay, yeah, it does. Your body breaks down. Eventually you take a dirt nap. Who's getting who? You know, you're fucking surrounded by loved ones as you're laying there. Everybody's bottom lip quivering. Did you just sit there? Was I a good person? Was I a good person? Right? Yeah, that sucks. But there's a lot of shit that balances it off. All right. $8 tickets to movies. Bam. Talking shit to somebody in their 20s. You know, like you're a badass, but you're too old for them to fuck with you. So you look tough. Right in front of your 50 year old wife. Boom. I mean, that's pretty much the extent of it. I haven't I'm new to this being fucking over the hill here. But you know, getting to wear a stupid hat,

right? One of those fucking old man coats. I can't fuck. I mean, it's, it's not like I can't wait, but I'm going to enjoy it. Anyways, before we get started, I have a couple things to promote. Oh, rough and rowdy brawl. August 5th. The people over there were nice enough. Elprez, Dave Portnoy, was nice enough to invite me back. And of course, I jumped at the chance. I had such a great time the last time when we were in fucking Charlotte. It's so cool. And I will show up to these things as long as they have me because it's it's ridiculously fun. So it's going to be in Youngstown, Ohio. All right, kids come out of the womb swinging. All right, when the doctor hits the baby on the ass in Youngstown, he's wearing headgear. That's all I'm saying in a mouthpiece.

All right, but we get it. They're tough. All right. Who knows? I don't know what their deal is there. I don't know why they're so tough there. I imagine, you know, I think each little pool of people, you know, starts off with a couple of Adam and Eve's, right? And they bang. And then whatever, if they're into books, then you get like Seattle, you know, but if they got hammered, and they beat the shit out of each other, you get Youngstown. I haven't researched any of this, but I don't know what all I know is I'm not looking anybody in the eye when I get there, because I don't I don't need to be clocked by fucking Kelly Pavlik's third cousin. But anyway, so I got to do a gig. I'm going to do a gig right before I get there. I'm going

to be in Rochester, New York. All right, I believe home of Steve Gad, childhood home. I remember he was I remember that I used to watch that instructional DVD that he had a zillion times up close. And he would talk about how he got his hands together playing in the Rochester Crusaders. It was a drum core. I know, crazy information, but whatever, it's in my head. I got to get it out. So that will be on August 4th, August 5th. I'll be driving down to Youngstown for rough and rowdy. So go to rough and rowdy brawl.com to get your tickets to stream it, whatever you got to do, it's going to be fucking awesome. And I've already seen some of the highlights. I should really retweet some of the some of the guys. They got some Pittsburgh

Cleveland guys, no love loss there with all the Steelers trophies and Cleveland's barren shelf, because for some reason they don't count NFL titles, which Cleveland won, I think in 65. But you know, as far as franchises go, that went out to fucking Baltimore, Baltimore, Scarface reference. Anywho, I'm here in Houston, Texas. Oh my God, I thought it was going to be fucking brutally hot. I was like, I was almost ready to call my agent and be like, how many fucking years have you been in this business slash how many years have you been booking me that you would book a bald redheaded male that qualifies for AARP in Houston, Texas in fucking July.

But when we were coming in for a landing, I was looking out the window and all the you know, fields that I saw were green. So I was like, all right, maybe they're getting some rain. I don't know. But it's not that bad down here. The bad thing is, is I forgot my show shoes. You know, for those of you not in show business, you have your shoes that you walk around in, your shoes you work out in, or whatever. All right, this is very first world here. Okay, for those those of you listening in lesser countries. Okay, we are so privileged here that we have shoes for different events. I need to work out, right? I'm going to fucking wear these shoes. I'm going to go, I don't know, go run some errands. Oh, I think I'll grab those. And then

you got to put on a show and dance like a monkey. You have these other fucking shows. Now I know other people other towns, you know, countries, I should say, you know, you got one pair of shoes, if you're lucky, right? You and 18 other people jump on a fucking moped with 37 boxes and somehow you don't tip over and you go down the street making fucking Instagram videos. I see out there. I see out there all the time. I don't know how you do it. Is it like Youngstown where you just grow up fighting, you guys just grow up fucking stacking shit up on top. It makes no sense. And somehow they stay upright. Everybody always watches fucking evil can evil jumping over the buses with a with a motorcycle that probably weighed

like four to 500,000 fucking pounds. You know, as great as that is, as impressive as that is, you know, to drive down the street with all your personal belongings, your wife and all of your kids with that much to lose. I don't think evil can even can touch that. You know, because if he wiped out, he died. That was it. He didn't lose fucking everything and all his clothes. All right, so that's one to grow on. Next time they say evil can evil is is the grandfather of fucking the X games. All right, you know, there's always somebody else. Everybody talks about Edison. There's always a Tesla. Sorry, what do you want from me? I got to fill up a fucking half hour here. I'm waiting for my salad with the protein coming.

I've been doing real well with the whole eating and everything and I actually got in contact with the nutritionist. I took a long pause there for all you guys to be like, Oh, are you going to do next? You're going to get Botox, you fucking freckled cunt. Huh? You're going to find some ginger cat and skin it and put the fucking hair on top of your head. Well, maybe I will. That makes me feel better about myself. Fuck that cat. Never been a cat person, right? You know why they have such attitudes is because they're allowed to shit in the house and then they think you're on the same level and then they're faster than you and then it's over. Then you can, you know, you can instill like fucking martial law with

the water spray bottle. You don't want to fucking do that. Although I would enjoy doing that. I would actually, you know, if I wasn't in this business, I would do that as a job because I don't like cats. I respect them. I do, but I would get a lot of enjoyment spraying water at cats that jump on the back of couches. Is that actually a career? Can you do that? Is that how my life's going to end? Wait a minute. Is that what's going to happen? I'm going to die alone with like a cat. You know, have a cigar, a little glass of fucking whiskey or something. And I'll just be sitting there in my rocking chair. I'll have all these all these fucking cats.

So, you know, that'll be like my fucking PlayStation 19, right? Because I, you know, I wouldn't have saved my money. I'll have all these fucking cats and then I'll just be spraying and I'm just cackling, laughing until I keel over like Brando and fucking the Godfather. Jesus, Bill, you're really, I know. I don't know what it is. You know, I was doing so well with my anger and just late. I just fucking, I just been losing it lately. Fucking losing it. I don't know. I think I need to let it out. It's kind of like boozing. It's like, if I don't do it, then it just builds up. I went online yesterday looking up like what you call that. It's not a fifth of Jack Daniels. It's the smaller one. It's the little brother

to that one. That's always been my favorite. If you're just going to get fucking hammered, you get that size of it, right? I was just talking to Nate Craig, who's going to be with me this weekend, crushing it in front of me. I was saying, I like that size. You pour it over on the rocks. You don't get like, there's no guilt that you're wasting this booze that's been in a barrel for fucking, I don't know, since Nixon was in office and you're just sitting there getting shit faced, watching a baseball game. It's Jack Daniels. There's plenty of it, right? And then when you finish the bottle, you get like a sense of accomplishment. So that's all that not boozing does for me. It just makes me want to booze more.

And I think like not flipping out is the same thing. All right. Now, for those of you new to the podcast, if you're questioning, did he just justify not controlling his emotions and his drinking problem? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. And thank you for noticing. I don't have a fucking drinking problem. I drink just fine. What I have is a drinking buddy problem. Can't seem to get anybody I can fucking drink with. They ain't going to be sitting there counting my fucking drinks. All right. Now we both went to public schools. We can both count up to 20. You ain't pressing me. All right. You want to press me by fucking round. Quit reminding me that I drove tonight. The fuck could fucking drive that car in my fucking sleep. I'll back it

on home. Keep fucking talking. That's my main or alcoholic is a fucking redneck. Anyways, oh, shout out to Chris Hardwick. Congratulations. They investigated and they found out what most of us already knew. You're a good guy. And it was nice to see one of those ones that seemed really sort of fucking frivolous, be investigated thoroughly, according to CNN Entertainment. And, you know, that was that needed to fucking happen. Because, you know, that whole Me Too movement was supposed to be for people that were like victims. It wasn't supposed to be, you know, something to be used to get back at somebody, you know, I don't know. I shouldn't, I guess, allegedly, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. But it was nice to see that AMC

took the time to investigate it, saw that nothing happened. They were satisfied with it. And they brought the guy back. There you go. There you go. I hope that this is like, you know, because it kind of needed that there was the initial fucking, you know, because nobody listened to women. So then it just because it was just this floodgate of fucking anger, you had to ride through it and just you knew eventually somebody who didn't do shit was going to go down. So it's it's nice to see that they they rectified that situation. Did I just get myself in trouble by saying rectified? Is that too much like rectal? Did I just that I just advocate something? You mean it's just a strange time? You don't know what to do. Anyways, plowing ahead here.

Yeah, so I forgot my goddamn show shoes. All right. I'm, you know, I'm becoming Billy minimalist, but not not on this level. Like I like to wear a nice pair of fucking sneakers or shoes when I do my shows. And I don't have them when I have I just have my fucking workout sneakers. So I'm going to go out there looking sharp from the ankles up, and then I'm going to have these big clunky fucking 50 year old white guy my feet hurt sometimes on. So, you know, I give it about seven minutes before somebody heckles me. Well, now that I've put it out there, someone's going to do it and think they're original. Or maybe it's their way of saying that they listened to the podcast. I don't know. But I'm going to beat all of you

because I'm just going to come out and address it. Anyway, you know what they look like? They actually they don't even look like men's sneakers. You know, those fucking sneakers that like old lady was old ladies with big feet get you know, you see them on the bus. They just have like you see them the cute little old ladies and they just have these giant fucking sneakers over their feet. You know what I mean? That's what they look like. No, they're not all white Reeboks from the late 80s. Anyway, so I am really looking forward to I got two days here in Houston. And then I got one in Dallas. Houston is going to be fun. Dallas is going to be awesome, but it's going to be a little sad because this is my first time going to Dallas with Vinny Paul not being around anymore. He was

a big comedy fan and he was somebody that I always made sure I reached out to. And I had a 5050 chance because he also lived in Vegas that he was going to be in town. But yeah, that's going to suck. I was just talking to a buddy of mine who was hanging out with Vinny just a few days before he passed and he was saying he used to always quote comedians bits and he would always like mess him up. He was just the funnest fucking guy ever, man. God damn it. Anyway, so I'll be going up there and in my mind will be dedicating my show to him. So that means I have to go hard. But by the way, I don't know how I missed all of this Pantera shit now that I'm like totally fucking into them and like trying to play drums along to their amazing music. And

somebody sent me the official video to I'm Broken, which I never saw. And what I love is they spent enough time on Vinny that I saw all this shit that I was playing wrong as far as oh whatever just, you know, the two open and crashes like I didn't know he had like four crashes two on each side. And then there was another part I thought he was playing eighths he was playing sixteenths pretty fucking cool. You don't get that a lot in music videos. Music videos usually barely shows the drummer and when they do they have the snare when he's hitting the snare or he or she's hitting the snare it's on the one and three and the bass the bass drums on two and four. I cannot tell you

how many fucking times they do that. It's like are you even listening to the music right now? You're hearing the crack of the snare and you got him fucking you're lining up the video and he's hitting the fucking bass drum if anything in the music video genre drove me more nuts. There wasn't anything it was that that they would never fucking show the drummer and when they did they it was just like they didn't even give a fuck. I think they just looked at the right hand to just line up the music and that was it and then they didn't see what else the he was fucking the amount of times they cut to like the singer he's singing some part and you see the drummer playing the a fill that you don't even hear or you hear a fill and the guys just playing the beat it just

you know oh the fucking guitarist does something oh Jesus Christ let's make sure we fucking line that up note for note the singer pay attention they always like fuck the drummer so anyways it's a great video because they did not do that in that video sorry look at me getting all worked up over nothing so anyways um a friend of mine got me in touch with the nutritionist and this is not codename for a drug dealer somebody just knocked on my door oh Jesus hang on a second anyways so uh I got this fucking nutritionist because I want to learn I want to learn how to eat well you know what I mean I don't want to just be this guy like hey man I'm gonna fucking cut this out and I'm gonna start fucking doing that you know like I mentioned before like how many like the

amount of fat fucking vegans I'm talking like back fat I'm not just saying they got a little pooch or something like that I'm just talking about like you know just looking at people like you just look at them like you you look like you're not healthy and they'll be like oh I'm a vegetarian or I'm fucking vegan and all of that so anyways it's like I mentioned so I bring the fucking food tray over here there's like there's so much fucking like misinformation I don't know how to I don't know how to sift through it and I don't want to become a vegetarian you know what I mean but I also fucking hate working out you know what I mean so I would like to to fucking just eat smarter is what I'm trying to do you know now that I'm on the fucking road this is what always gets me

you know I come in I'm grumpy from a flight you know and you look at the salads and when you're in a fucking bad mood and you're hungry a salad never looks like the right option does it it never does what do you do yeah I'm gonna eat a fucking burger and you're trying to say I want a side salad and then the lady's like do you want fries with that and then your head going no Bill don't do it and then you get yeah yeah fuck it give me some goddamn fries sir you can order your food without using that language I'd like to remind you all you are in the bottle bail so I've been in Houston a thousand times what am I supposed to do now am I gonna go to the fucking Alamo again going out of that god forsaken I've never even been in it you know and I'm not talking about the original Alamo

in San Antonio I'm talking about the Houston Alamo it's a uh it's a mom and pop place you know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about I just wanted to say the different cities the rung cities so people could be all like I'm actually it's fucking no shaking my head all right let me read some advertising here for y'all Felix Gray y'all even if you've never heard of digital eye strain oh shit yes oh this is this is oh yeah okay I remember this one this is a good one do you never heard a digital eye strain chances ah chances are you've experienced the fucking effects symptoms like eye fatigue dry eyes and migraines um turning the hose on your cat all of these things can happen when you stare at a computer

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probably got the chicken i just got fish but i ate fish yesterday and you know what i always forget to tell them don't send me the fucking dinner rolls and now they got them all warm underneath the napkin with some butter and my mother taught me not to waste so what am i supposed to do here huh i don't know anyways but i'm uh i'm liking the way i look right now i guarantee it so i would like to continue uh with the not boozing for a while i'm not gonna do it like the way i smoke cigars like a chimney now i'm gonna drink the way i smoke cigars which is you know once every 10 minutes no once every 10 to 14 days i have a cigar so i would like to get hammered or have a couple of cocktails twice a month that's not bad 24 times a year 24 times a year i just want

to remind my liver that this is not a game okay the preseason is over all right so keep your head on the fucking swivel stay on your goddamn toes um no i got a night coming up i'm gonna come off the wagon for one day like what i would like to do come off the wagon for one day in august and then i am not gonna drink again until i'm going to a michigan wolverine game this year at the big house oh jay jays i have not been to a game there since 1999 and the only guy there was some guy in michigan i believe one the heisman and for some reason i remember that guy david boston because he had the last name boston and then he went to the chargers or something like that i can't remember but uh i went to the uh michigan oh house state game

you know the big fucking rivalry game at the big house that's a that's a good one i've been to some good ones man i've been to that one i went to uh what is it the fucking uh texas versus oklahoma i've been to that one i never been to usc ucla that's fucked i've been out here for so long but the one i would love to go to i want to go to alabama auburn i've seen ls you are uh alabama i've seen texas a and m with johnny football first alabama i just like you know those fucking scc games are the best um i shouldn't have said that now i'm listening everybody you're actually the big tannies fucking baby i i get it i get it you're you're you're partial to where the fuck you're from all right that's the podcast here i got to go do my fucking show uh i hope you guys

have a wonderful thursday and a great weekend your cunts uh the music that we're going to be using is uh darin king he did a cover of uh is it richie haven that is named the guy from woodstock he did a cover of his uh freedom um if you guys want to know who this artist is it's darin king and uh he's done everything he used to play drums with mute math he plays guitar he sings and from what i've heard he's gonna be maybe doing a small tour coming up um but i'm a big fan of this guy he's just like incredible artists so enjoy the music and then we'll have a half hour greatest hits from a thursday afternoon podcast just before monday from uh thursday i don't know a couple years ago maybe from earlier this year i don't know how the fuck it works all right have a great

weekend your cunts and i'll see you on monday i had a great time in vegas other than when i went down to the pool because i go down to the pool i'm down there it's me it's fucking jay lawhead who's been killing it in front of me and uh the lovely nia and her cousins and we're hanging her cousin i mean and we're hanging out down the pool and they're doing the usual shit you know if you're a redhead and you go down in the pool like you you're just asking for it people all you know look how white you are you know like i never noticed it's like i'm fucking around myself i've been around myself since the 60s the late 60s i know how white i am and if i ever forget how white i am there's always somebody there to remind

me sir i don't know if you've noticed your skin tone what am i meditating floating up out of my body all right so these people i'm with go come on come on on the pool i'm like i don't want to go in the pool i don't want to go in the fucking pool you know they're like why don't you want to go in the pool you know why because the fucking look at look at these people look at them look at them and you're you're getting your you know would you take a bath with all with any one of the people that you see here these fucking just messes of human beings there's not enough chlorine and a fucking pool to kill whatever the fuck they're dragging in the pool you know it's like i finally end up going to the pool then everybody made fun of how white my fucking alabaster chest was

and uh then i had to stay in the shade of the fucking uh the lifeguard's chair you know you know i had a show to do i'm being a professional i can't come out stage later half in the bag looking like a lobster right i gotta do my little song and dance later on that night so anyway so i ended up getting in the fucking pool against what i wanted to do you know and then i get out of the pool uh first of all for my age i am in absolutely phenomenal top shelf shape all right i gotta tell you the the fucking just the the the fuck the humanity that i saw poolside in las vegas the fucking humanity keyword manatee

not to step on uh jim gaffigan i just realized he used to use that reference and i'm pretty sure he used it i can't remember how the fuck he used it but if he used it to describe a fat pale torso not really pale but whatever whatever the fucking shit i saw the side of that he was dead on that oh my god is there anything worse than seeing a tattoo come of age you know jesus christ if you get a tattoo you better you better just make the mental decision that you're gonna p90x for the rest of your fucking life because when you don't dude i saw this guy down at the pool all right he had like not only the worst tattoos you've ever seen in your life like the worst placement you know what i mean like you get one like on the side of your arm up

by your shoulder that looks good right on the bicep that looks good you know you know somebody gets one right over their voice box like i don't give a fuck what you have surrounding that that leads into that part of the of the work for the piece whatever they call it it looks fucking horrible leg tattoos horrific horrific so this fucking jerk off he has basically the exact sort of like tribal thing that the rock has except he doesn't look tribal he looks like an accountant you know and he doesn't work out so just imagine if the rock was as pasty as i was and it never worked out in his life but he has that same tattoo that starts at the elbow goes up the arm over the shoulder and covers one whole peck but the way this guy had it done was

it didn't cover his whole peck it came swinging in and went right above his man nipple so now all of that all of that is like colored in so because of the pastiness of his torso your eye is just drawn to his right nipple as he's standing in the fucking pool my neck was sore from shaking my head at people it was it was absolutely fucking horrific right so so anyways um i go back up to the uh i go back up to the hotel room right you know i'm gonna make sure that i'm all ship shaped for my goddamn show and i put on the news and what do they end up doing a story about they start doing a story about the amount of uh fecal matter found in public pools right after i just got out of a goddamn pool you know and i know what people always think oh stay away from where the kids are

stay away from the kiddie pool right stay away from there they always blame the fucking kids well uh you know something after seeing what i saw pools uh you know there weren't a lot of kids in there but i guarantee you somebody got a coli i know this is fucking disgusting but people you you're basically bathing you know what's even more fucked up is is vegas is just like you know people fly in from all over the world you're taking a fucking aids bath you know with a shot of fucking uh what the hell is that shit that came out but it killed people so fast that it just burned out everybody just ran into the woods the fuck was that shit called uh christ i can't remember abola that's it with a shot of abola or whatever food poisoning i don't know what it is a salmonella

shower whatever the fuck you want to call it i'm done with public pools the only pool that i will ever swim in again is my pool if i ever get one or the pool of some hot chick that i want to fucking bang because i have nia's permission that's the only way it's going to go down other than that you know i'll just go i'll just go take a bath that way i'm out of the sun you know i'll take a couple of vitamin e pills whatever the fuck it is you get from the sun other than skin cancer i'm done with it you know what america needs to implement after years and years of calling the french people smelly you know that's kind of like the thing when we went over to france and saved their ass for the second time last century

oh wait did we do it once we did it one time right i can't fucking remember so anyways we've always made fun of the french file they they smell if you ever watched uh bug's bunny growing up man you saw peppy lapu if you noticed he had a french accent you know that's the kind of shit you couldn't get away with today because of political correctness i guess they were basically saying that you know that they stunk but i'll tell you one thing that the french have when it comes to hygiene over americans all right is the bidet all right i can guarantee you if i ever go swimming in a public pool again it's going to be at france unless there's a bunch of americans i i know i've been over to england i never saw bidet over there

you know bidet is basically a car wash for your asshole and uh you know it leaves you feeling refreshed puts a fucking smile on your face and evidently in french you're so fucking happy you forget to put on deodorant but i'll tell you right now you can jump in that pool i bet the next step but they're not talking about that shit over there right and i can call you up from my heart i got a telephone in my window and i can call you up from my heart when i need my mother, mother, father, father, when i need my mother, brother, will you be my sister, sister not just stepping stone

no not just stepping stone not just stepping stone no not just stepping stone hey how are you it's uh bill burr and it is the monday morning podcast for monday july 26th 2010 look at that huh the last monday in july another summer month flying by and once again there they are the goddamn banker cunts just staring you in the face sticking their hands out their little grubby fucking hands asking for another pound of flesh as they do at the end of every month don't they i should talk to a buddy of mine who's

outside the business and got to check the other day right and was you know bitching about the taxes was talking about all the taxes taken out and he goes thanks a lot obama you know and then i got into a fucking argument trying to get this dude to stop blaming the standing fucking president you got to get to the fucking guys who put the dude in there not even put the dude in there but can take the dude out you know doesn't fucking make a difference i remember i voted for ron paul you know i always vote for those guys the ralph naters and all that the rosperos and everybody always every always tells me it's a fucking waste of a vote is it though you tell me one fucking thing different that obama is doing that mccain wouldn't be doing i know

there's little subtle differences you know he's gonna rather than giving it to the fucking rich he's gonna give it to the fucking poor you know both their philosophies suck you know and bankers just keep getting richer and fucking richer that just it just blows my mind you know it's one thing i've learned finally figured out overall this shit that whole rich guy will give it to the rich and they'll create jobs and it'll trickle down the key word is trickle and we're all gonna be sitting there with their tongues out trying to catch a drop of fucking prosperity and then on the other side if you just give people shit you don't help them they come back the next day like a fucking cat you know waiting for another bowl of milk

it's like no dude i was trying to give you nourishment so you could go fucking you know have enough strength to go milk a cow whatever the fuck you're supposed to do oh i didn't know i thought you were gonna give i thought this is where i get the free milk from all right there get the fuck out of here fucking piece of shit you know anybody got a got a got a bum for a friend always asking for money you ever do that and you're doing well in your life and you feel guilty and they get themselves into a jam man i'm in a fucking jam you know and it's everybody's fucking fault but theirs and their girls got them on the outs and the cops fucking arrested them and they're gonna put them in fucking jail

you know or whatever is gonna happen they're gonna take their fucking car and they need five and a bucks and you fucking give it to them right and what do you do they get out of that jam for fucking 10 minutes and what within a month they're in another fucking jam have they learned anything no and a lot of times it's an even worse predicament i'm gonna stop saying jam like i'm in the fucking 70s started off me doing the character i'm in a jam and then i just started saying it is me and i felt like fucking the dude who drives the mystery machine on scooby-doo i wouldn't say that he was too much of a square right fucking the hot chick in the missionary position am i really doing scooby-doo jokes um the fuck was his name was it fred this ascot

that's all i'm saying dude it's all fucking bullshit i believe there's plenty of fucking money if these fucking banker assholes will stop taking all of it and these corporations i don't know does it does it really cost will it really cost like fucking 40 bucks a t-shirt if you pay somebody a decent wage to make it do you really got to have some eight-year-old make three dollars a fucking day you know isn't there a fucking middle ground yeah i don't get it i just don't get it i just refuse i don't blame politicians anymore democrat or republican i just don't fucking blame them anymore it's an absolute it's a fucking shit storm and look at look at the shit storm obama came walking into that's like you're hosting

one of those hoarder shows and you walk into the house and it's just piled high with shit trillions of fucking things that need to be thrown out right and then what you give the guy 10 minutes to clean out the fucking house and then after that it's his mess look at the fucking mess you made i don't fucking know i gotta i gotta admit like politics is just like baseball i stopped watching in june of last year you know although i'm starting to come around again i'm coming back around to baseball and i'm i'm i'm liking the nationals and i'm liking the pittsburgh pirates i'm coming back in through the fucking back door all right going i'm going down to tier three i'm bored shitless with yankees red socks i gotta admit i'm fucking burned out

i'm burned out with this shit it's just like whatever we won the fucking world series then we won another one that's the end of the movie roll the credits i gotta fucking try to give a shit act like i give a fuck 12 times a goddamn year um i don't know yeah but i don't watch politics either um i just uh and those those political fucking shows on tv i just i can't get into because uh there's nobody really taking the people that i feel need to be taken to task and at the end of the day the people i feel need to be taken to task are um it's it's all based on shit i watched on youtube you know so who the fuck am i to bitch so i just tapped out i just said you know what fuck it fuck it i'm gonna get myself a bear you know maybe get a pistol learn

how to shoot the fucking thing you know what a beer sounds really good right now if i ever drank a beer on the fucking podcast i think i'm gonna think i'm gonna go fucking get one do i got time to go run and get it you know what it's not one of those beers you can really drink out of a fucking can you gotta pour it into a glass am i you know what i have the ability to hit pause don't i i really do let me see if i know how to do it here ah Jesus this is always tough do i hit play do i hit record i hit record all right and with the magic of the pause button i am back and i got a fucking brew right in front of me huh see this is what i'm doing i don't give a shit anymore i gave a fuck and uh i'll

you end up doing it you just start you you just start yelling at people in bars that's all given a fuck at you you know what are you gonna make a sign stand on some street corner honk if you give a fuck if that's that's gonna stop the banks you can't do it i quit i give up i don't give a shit just tell me what to believe i don't fucking care anymore i want to get a gun though i really do stand on my fucking porch waving it at people just be that guy we always knew he was gonna be a problem i mean he had a gun i got a gun too but i'm responsible i keep it in i keep it in my safe that way if somebody breaks in uh i go can you wait a second i've never understood that you know it's like if you're gonna have a fucking gun you know to really protect yourself don't you have to

sleep with it like fucking tony soprano in the second to last episode on the sopranos when you thought this tony montana ending was gonna happen and then it didn't i don't get this you keep it in the gun safe and then you keep the bullets in the trunk of your car right you keep the scope up in the attic you know as as the intruder is chasing you around your fucking house are you grabbing different parts of the gun assembling it sticking under your fucking pillowcase like barretta is that what you're supposed to do you know what i've never owned a nightstand in my life i'm gonna get a gun do this is a i should have done this on the fourth of july i'm doing a podcast i'm talking about getting a gun and i'm drinking a fucking beer and not one of those pussy ones

either there's a fucking one pint bottington's pub ale you know one of those ones you open it up and it's got that fucking i don't know what it has in there that metal ball that rattles around you look in you can never find it you had no idea what it is but for some reason you never had the curiosity enough to fucking gut the can to see what it looks like i like the mystery i like the mystery of it i don't know what it is isn't it weird how a fucking beer like quenches your thirst and then automatically makes you thirsty again what's the deal is it cause it's alcohol it actually makes you hungry speaking of guns what would you guys do if i just got absolutely shit faced on this podcast i feel great and i

wouldn't even think that i had a drinking problem i can just keep hitting pause you guys wouldn't even know and technically because i'm talking to you i'm not drinking alone right isn't that where george thurgood went off the fucking rails when he did that song i drink alone i drink a loon really and he started putting on the weight and he still wore those rattles snake skin fucking pants with matching top you know at some point i mean dude i i should fucking talk i should really talk with my fucking my god damn my round smooth white belly this fucking beer at god damn quarter to nine at night's not gonna help at least it's hot as fucking here you know my old bastard fucking neighbor downstairs is home you know like i bring

my voice down because i don't need the bullshit can't fucking wait you know i got a new special coming out all right it's coming out in september and i got a feeling this thing's gonna fucking hit and it's gonna hit hard and i'm finally gonna go out and buy a goddamn house out here and the day i do when i load up that fucking you all all right you like that even though i'm dreaming about buying a house i'm still a broke asshole and i have to move my shit myself when i load up that you all okay and i bring that fucking tailgate down one last time all the way down that little fucking faggoty little bumper that's only an inch off the ground to make it easier for pussies like me to load their bureau in there you know i'm gonna ring his doorbell and i'm gonna get in his face

and be like listen old man i don't know when i don't know how but i'm gonna fucking get back i'm gonna do something to you i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna you know i sound i sound like fucking jumping jeff farmer right now i'm coming at you full force you turn the tables on me in the wrong way old man no i don't know i can i can i you know i don't do the revenge thing i told you that guy's a long time ago i don't do it you know if i wasn't so worried that he'd have a heart attack i really want to scare him one day just do a fake sneeze right close to him make him shit his pants a little bit you know take a geritol shit and his fucking dickies and his little bastard really is he's really the fucking ghost of uh was it future was that the one that was uh i don't

know what the fuck he is all right let's move on here i talked about getting a gun it's on this thing too because i'm doing this podcast so early in the week um you know i i actually i went through a bunch of old emails and you know i get a ton of emails from you guys and uh and i know sometimes people get upset when i don't read them i just get a ton of emails but i just went back because it's only thursday so i didn't really have that many current ones and i i saw some gems that i missed and i guess one week i was talking about the amount of people that stalin had killed versus hitler and how come people when they bring up evil they don't talk more about joseph stalin considering it it seems to me that he killed like three times plus a little bit more i mean what

what exactly are hitlers uh exact numbers because i know these says that they killed six on six million six hundred jesus christ six million uh jewish people but i also know that he killed gays he killed uh uh i think he killed blacks if there's any blacks in germany um maybe some catholics i don't know whatever traders people who helped out jewish people i mean what i mean did he get another fucking million out of that i don't know what his exact number is but i'm pretty safe pretty safe to say that it's under 10 million so i was saying like you know joseph joseph stalin i were the fuck you said it you know this this son of a bitch killed like twice as many of that if you give hitler 10 million all right so that was basically what i was riffing on so this

guy i mean this guy made a great point he actually wrote to me and he said um i ran across something i thought you might find interesting uh i know you how you talk about hitler versus musolini versus stalin and the number of deaths attributed to each one of them well i don't think they actually did much of the dirty work they outsourced it to uh indian kids who did it for half the price ha ha that's actually a decent joke if i read it better um seriously they had it done and they didn't do it themselves so thinking about the fact that they didn't do much of the dirty work got me thinking about who did the dirty work for themselves after a little research i came across uh the person who i think was the baddest motherfucker of world war two and uh i love the suspense he builds up was he

from the us no was he from germany uh was he from england no cigar motherfucker was he from finland finland fuck yeah so evidently this dude was from finland the guy's name was and i'm gonna butcher this because even the the the phonetic pronunciation i i don't know how to say the guy's name uh maybe anybody in finland now what the fuck is in is that hell sinky i have no fucking idea uh um simo hey ha i don't know the fuck to say it my best attempt at the at the pronunciation of the last name is what did he say how ha as in hat hat how ha simo how ha i don't know anyways he was nickname white death due to the fact that he would operate in the snow and had a completely white uniform so he couldn't be seen all right let's let's go on to the wikipedia let me read about this guy the

first thing you know if you look at look at look this guy up it's simo ha y ha um lived to be uh 96 years old all right nickname the white death by the russians his highest recorded number of kills he was a sniper was 505 he has the highest recorded number of kills 505 kills in any major war all right uh before entering combat he was a farmer and a hunter his farmhouse was reportedly full of trophies for marksmanship so i guess he was a natural he was kind of like the Wayne Gretzky of killing shit right uh it was during the world the winter war 1939 to 1940 between finland and the soviet union isn't that interesting they call it the winter war um or maybe that was an aspect of world war two i have no idea anyways the winter war uh

that he began his duty as a sniper and fought for the finnish army against the red army in temperatures of minus 40 and minus 20 degrees celsius so it's at like 80 degrees fahrenheit i have no idea it's fucking cold out i'm dressed completely in white camouflage hey ha whatever the fuck he's called his name hey yeah uh was credited with 505 confirmed kills of soviet soldiers 542 unconfirmed death if unconfirmed deaths are included the unofficial finnish front line figure with the battle battlefield of cola places the number of his kills at over 800 because i guess he also had a submachine gun and people give him credit for killing another 200 people thus bringing his credits up to at least 705 remarkably this is

the biggest thing here this motherfucker did this in fewer than a hundred days with very limited amount of daylight per day so he just sort of woke up i guess you know he's killing like seven people a day he's up for 16 hours once every couple hours uh what else can i say about this guy um i missed the part where he got deformed part of the way through there he was uh uh where the fuck is it another tactic hey i was to compact the snow you compact the snow in front of him so that the shot wouldn't disturb the snow and reveal his position he also kept snow in his mouth so that when breathing this steam would not give him away how have they not

made a movie about this guy he preferred to use iron sights rather than telescopic sights for all you gun nuts to present a smaller target uh oh i see because the sniper must raise his head higher when using a telescopic sight to prevent visibility risk a telescopic sights glass can fog up easily okay the soviet tried a number of ways to get rid of him counter snipers artillery strikes and finally on may 6 the guy was shot through the jaw during combat by a russian soldier the bullet tumbled upon impact and left his head fellow soldier picked him up half his head was missing he regained consciousness seven days later the day peace was declared shortly after the war this dude was went straight from corporal to uh second lieutenant the highest jump in rank

in the history of the finnish army uh wow did that bore i hope that guy didn't bore you guys too much but uh there you go and they asked him later on in life did did it bother you the amount of people that you kill which is such a douchey fucking question and he just basically said look i was doing the job they told me to do like they all end up fucking same did it bother you did it bother me that i i killed the guys who were trying to kill me uh no it didn't i'm sure a couple of dumb fucks who thought they were in the clear and got up and took a piss you know and he kind of felt bad like jesus christ dude can you at least piss behind a tree you know maybe that wouldn't make you feel bad what do you guys think do you think you'd feel bad um i would just think if i went to war

i've always felt this that the second the battle started i would be i would be the guy crying in the foxhole but if i could ever just kill that first fucking person i would just be like all right well you know fuck it now and uh i just think i would be so filled with anger and fear that uh i don't know i don't know that's i have no fucking you know those people who fight in wars man people who join the service jesus christ i i don't i i don't think i could you know as much as people sit there and they talk about you know the balls it takes to do stand-up you know it really pales in fucking comparison when you know if you just talk about someone who goes into the peace corps and is trying to bring water to a tribe forget about somebody who's fucking going to war and

speaking of let's talk about stand-up terminology here's something that um has been bugging me lately is i've noticed that um and this happens you know people come up with new words like uh you know i'm chilling i'm gonna use like hip-hop slang because that's always the easiest you know what i can this one was i can really think of and then they just become words but uh just as a as a stand-up comic purist i've noticed you know when i get into it with the crowd when somebody heckles me and then i give him shit back i get emails i was at your second show sat saturday night i loved the way you heckled that guy in the audience after he heckled you um heckling is done by the crowd the comedian does not heckle the crowd he can play with the crowd

and he can fucking i don't even know what it's called when you when you fucking murder a heckler you destroy him but you're not heckling him all right you're up there trying to do your act the only way for a comedian to to heckle a crowd is if he if he sat in the crowd and the hope and the whole crowd got up on stage and then tried to do some to some sort of performance and i interrupted and fucked up their performance but when they tell me to go fuck themselves fuck myself they're not heckling me jesus you would think that i would actually have the decency to look up heckle why don't i do the heckle definition god damn it that beer tasted good

and i got a fucking 6 54 a.m definition for heckle uh okay here we go try to embarrass and annoy by questions jibes or objections badger try to annoy someone speaking or performing in public by questions jibes or objections in bad there you go see that's why you can't because you're not trying to perform in public all right i skipped over the shit in parentheses so let me read that again try to heckling is trying to embarrass and annoy someone speaking or performing in public by questions jibes or objections badger or whatever that's what it means so the comedian can't heckle the crowd because the crowd is not on stage trying to give a performance so for the love of god stop sending me fucking emails saying you loved

how i heckled the crowd i didn't do that it's like telling a guitarist i love your drum solo did that make any sense is this alcohol taking i haven't drank i haven't fucking ate in a minute you know this beer is fucking delicious you know what makes a beer like this tastes good a good beer glass do you guys have beer glasses talking to the men out there and the few women out there who are uh fuck you guys women aren't into beer glasses are you you know do i have any lesbians on my podcast maybe you guys have the brains to like beer glasses um jesus christ you know i usually don't make any sense but me buzz doing this podcast is going to make even less and less sense that's a fucking sign of maturity a beer glass and that's another thing if you want to

stave off the fact that you kind of think that you have a drinking problem is if in your house if you have the proper glasses for whatever alcohol you're drinking okay you're drinking whiskey out of a disc dixie cup let me stutter in like a shithead that was a good line too if you're drinking whiskey out of a dixie cup take two uh yeah there's really no way you know a little vodka and a sippy cup your kids crying in the corner because he's fucking hungry uh hang on one second hang on one second what do i got what do i got here hey paul let me call you back i'm doing my podcast all right all right man take it easy um all right where the fuck am i yeah you know what i mean but if you have the right you have the proper glass i have the classic 16 ounce you know you pour a

heineken in this type of thing i actually got those sam adams glasses too you know the ones that they had where they got some sort of special glass thing at the bottom and it makes the beers you know the sam adams swirl up they're really cool glasses but what i don't like is they only hold 12 ounces you know and it's just like well what about me who likes to go 16 ounces at a time you know all right i'm not even being funny right now i'm just fucking sitting here enjoying uh there's nothing better one nice fucking beer but can you ever stop you know what's funny is my girl's not here right now he'd be funny if i'm just sitting here my fucking boxers and just just she comes home and i'm about to go on the road for another five

days and then she just comes home and i'm just fucking sitting here buzzed you know t-shirt boxers socks i mean i'm just dressed like i'm unemployed then all i gotta do is just start giving her shit why am i such a dick all right let's continue on here um yeah that would be insightful and now speaking of shit that's just fucking insightful to use a uh a segue from the 1980s i was flying back from new york and uh you know it's a real pet peeve of mine is these these motherfucking like regular looking people who just get they kick their shoes off during the flight all right and they're not wearing any socks all right so it's gross enough that you have your bare feet on that airline carpet where god knows what is in the

rug okay you know how filthy the fucking air is in the goddamn tube they never recycle that fucking air you just breathe in i mean it's like 80 carbon dioxide right so what the fuck you think is in the rug have you ever seen them shampoo a goddamn rug in between flights they don't do it and you put your bare feet on this what kills me this is regular fucking people after after they've kicked their shoes out they have to go to the bathroom they get up and they they walk down the aisle into the bathroom with no fucking socks or shoes on it's the most disgusting i saw this girl sitting next to me she had one of those uh english australian i can't pick out the accent you know the next time you fucking european shit on what animals we are over here one of your

fucking one of your fucking birds who was sitting next to me got up with their flip flops on no kicked them off and then she actually i'll give her credit she did walk halfway to the bathroom and then came back you know and i was like all right she has some class but she had her hair up and she had flakes behind her ear it's disgusting the whole fucking flight i could stop looking at it every time i glance over then i would just keep making these noises going oh then she sort of glanced at me and i pretend like i didn't do it she probably thought i had Tourette's and she didn't realize that i'm reacting to the fucking the fucking flakes behind you you're kind of a mother are you gonna be you can't even clean behind your own fucking ears put your head down

and go walk barefoot into the fucking airplane goddamn bathroom and clean yourself up before i slap the shit out of you all right what else do we got here all right here's a good youtube video for the week as the fucking booze is starting to kick in uh bottington's i highly recommend it all right you youngsters out there you're probably not gonna like it um all right but as your voice gets deeper and your balls start to drop even further into the toilet bowl i'm telling you it's a beer you're gonna fucking like what am i doing here what the hell am i all right note to self don't drink when you do the podcast anymore would you would you guys enjoy a podcast oh i just got completely shitfaced the thing is is it's only an hour long so it's kind of hard to get drunk

that quick i could get pretty buzzed you know really bill is that what we're here we're down to right now is like you're gonna do like some fucking stunt like david blaine bill why don't you do the podcast in a fucking block of ice you dumb cunt i think it's time for a special guest at some point i gotta i gotta get another special guest on this podcast um all right plowing ahead here um here's a youtube video to watch for this week uh baby preacher with subtitles uh it's just fucking awesome it's a uh i don't know this baby who i guess is goes to church every fucking day and is watch these preachers preaching and then they gave the baby the mic and it's just sort of walking around going yeah talking baby talk but somebody transcribes what the kid is saying and i swear to

god it the way they put it up there it right as you read it the baby says it and it sounds like the baby's saying and it's fucking and it's a visual joke and i'm trying to explain it here all right underrated overrated for this week i'm doing this at a half hour in knowing full well that i have to somehow fill up another 20 fucking minutes all right overrated for this week this is a great one overrated win chimes this dude says i hate the annoying clink clank sound with a fucking passion what is wrong with the people huh what's wrong with people seriously the world is not loud enough you have to fucking add to it you know they they do believe the sounds will make them better people or make life better

you know what dude you want such a great role to you right wrote that fucking sentence oh do they believe the sounds will make them better people or make their life better i found it most annoying and an invasive i find it the oh Jesus christ i'm never drinking on the podcast again go fuck yourselves all right what is wrong with people where am i i find it the most annoying and evasive thing i am forced to listen to even with closed windows but they're so peaceful um if you fucking like the sound why don't you put them up inside your home and have the fucking fan going and anyway what gives anybody the right to push their taste on others dude i totally agree it's like if you're gonna make smokers smoke outside then you want to make these fucking

win chime people take that shit indoors i can't tell you how annoying that is it's a you know what's annoying about it is it's an annoying sound that's trying to be fucking spiritual that's what kills me it's even it's it's more annoying than just a loud annoying sound that's fucking annoying because at least the loud annoying sound has the fucking courage to be annoying those fucking things they're actually there they're there you know what when i go on youtube and just get some fucking win chime sounds for all you dumb cunts out there who do yoga you know and actually think that these fucking things sound good here we go wind fucking chimes youtube let's see what we got here we go yeah because somebody fucking loves them so much

they put up a video here we go for all you cunts out there here it is i gotta admit those are nice this isn't fair this guy's got fucking he's got the professional grade level ones these things look like the exhaust on a goddamn oh that's giant win chimes all right i just learned something i don't mind giant win chimes oh here's one here's one of these little douchey ones you get at a fucking hardware store it's typical youtube you just can't put win chimes okay beautiful win chime is this the cunty sounding one there it is you know what the great thing is is they're made out of metal so when you rip them off you have

a fucking blunt object to beat your neighbor to death with that's what you do and then you dip it in fucking peroxide or bleach and you hook it back up again let those a and e cunts figure out that murder a man murdered on his porch you know somehow they find you know and a fucking i don't know an eighth of an inch of his face in print on that fucking win chime if you ever watch those a and e things how they catch people it's it's like it's not even fucking fair you ever see the one as they take another healthy sweat i got news for you i'm having another beer this might be the new thing i might do this shit thursday night take a night off from stand up tell my chick to hit the fucking bricks is anything better than drinking in your own goddamn house it

just makes you want to start screaming about the shit your own you know i paid for this shit you hear that old man downstairs i'm gonna get louder and he's gonna come up here that would be the ultimate podcast you know the thing about old people is you always have to worry that they are a fucking like they fought in a fucking war because i never had i never have so i have total respect for fucking veterans and the fact that they still got it in them you know that would be insane one night if i actually just totally pissed him off and he really did fight in the korean war and he just fucking threw whatever that fucking thing is your throw up when you when you're gonna climb up the rope on the side of the building you know that

that that fucking land fish hook thing throws it up there and just climbs up comes over my railing as i'm sitting here doing this podcast half in the bag and he's got a kitchen knife between his teeth like a fucking pirate what would i do i've probably taken 12 karate classes in my life and they've all been like you know six years apart fucking guide coming in filet me you know i don't fucking know i just sat back and i just lost the screen here yeah so whatever wind chimes are fucking overrated they really are but i gotta tell you if you get the giant ones the giant ones are nice listen to the giant ones the giant ones have a nice tone to them it's a little deeper i think i figured it out come on man you gotta admit that's not bad if you let go of the anger your childhood

right let go of your anger for a second see sound of a ship in the background ocean coming up on the beach you ever get to that point right when you're gonna get relaxed and let go and then you get so fucking scared you get right back into the anger and then you want to punch somebody in fucking yoga pants um all right let enough with the fucking wind chimes here i was really painting a picture there fucking michael winslow here i think it's time for more booze what do you guys think how about a nice healthy sip ah god damn it that's fucking delicious you poor bastards and owen owen a you poor bastards in a

a uh that was one good thing about the trip uh when i went back is actually got to do opiate anthony and i'm gonna do it again um next week probably again the tuesday again i'm on the exact same flight back to uh los angeles i did at the opiate anthony show this past tuesday popped in there for like an hour i had a good fucking time didn't get a chance to argue with anthony but you know still good to see him as adorable as ever all right let's uh let's plow ahead here um let's get to some more fucking overrated shit um overrated super expensive tv's who the fuck needs to spend two grand on a tv i know this super clear etc but it's not like it's it's some uh huge jump my eight-year-old sony still works great the picture is fine if i want

to watch some great tv i'll just go to one of the 100 bars in the city that have 80 of them slapped on the walls which another thing which is another thing that's overrated cookie cutter bars with a million tv's and zero atmosphere but i digress you guys fall you guys are fucking good writers and i like how you said i digress rather than me last week when i say but i digressed in the past hence it's because i never use that expression animal moron um dude i have to totally agree with you in fact i would still have an old school tv if um i didn't move from new york new york to la i was gonna keep my old school one i had no problem watching the game on the old school square tv it didn't bug me you know i don't need to see the the inside of shacks i don't need to see

shacks fucking you know nose cartilage i remember when i first got hd tv i was watching uh i was watching espn and like steward scott and one of those guys is doing it and i'm like looking at his pores and i could see actually a little bit of the inside of his nose his nose wasn't dirty or nothing but it was just it's like dude i'm all i need is just to hear the scores i'll tell you you know it's fucking overrated too and i hope it flops like fucking david beckham in la all right here's one great overrated is fucking shit in 3d all right avatar in 3d who gives a fuck some butterfly flying near your face you goddamn fairy the fuck is wrong with you and all these idiots we're gonna go out and buy 3d tvs you dumb fucks if you buy a 3d tv

you know what you like you like those you like one of those dumb shits who keeps buying the new razor blades has any razor blade work better than the fucking all you needed was two one two was the shit three doesn't do underneath your nose you got to pinch your nose like you're in a barbershop in the 19 fucking 20s getting a straight razor shaved during a fucking three stooges film and then it goes all the way up to four and then they knew they couldn't do five or did they do five and now they're trying to act like the blades are even fucking sharper it's all bullshit the worst thing that ever happened to me one time i was doing a college or something i think i was in florida and it was the double whammy i had a toiletry bag from tough crowd

one of my favorite fucking shows to do tough crowd with colin quinn and one of the one of the the gift bags they gave you was was this this toiletry bag it said tough crowd on it and shit you know and uh not only did i leave that forgot it in the bathroom but my uh my razor my twin bladed razor was in it and they don't sell them anymore and ever since then i've had the triple one and it just sucks i got this one whisker right in that that the skin between your fucking nostrils i can't get it can't get it and i got to do all these different fucking tricks i'm doing right now you just i gotta like you know make my nose look like that fucking chicks nose in the batman revenge movie um i bet she has no problem i was kind of mean um yeah so you guys do me a

favor all right don't buy don't buy 3d tv's don't fucking buy them okay two-dimensional football is still the shit are you really gonna sit there on the couch with your friend wearing those stupid fucking glasses so what teo's balls can be in your face come on you want to see it in 3d go to the fucking game now watch the tv's will be awesome the tv's will be awesome and eventually they'll get him if you guys notice what a fucking hypocrite i am i bought the prius i defended it and slowly i'm going towards a challenger you know i'm fucking totally into into conspiracy theory i'm actually still into that shit and i don't give a fuck now i'm just sitting here in my underwear doing a podcast on thursday drinking a beer you know i quit fucking quit you know what

i realized the other day too is uh you know whenever you start talking shit when you get into conspiracy theory you actually think that like you know you're uh you're onto something dangerous and people are gonna start watching you but the bottom line is is the second you recorded it and there's you know i just look at what mel Gibson is going through what he's going through with the recorded shit that he's fucking said i'm not saying i said anything racist or anything but everything that i've done in the podcast in the last three fucking years i can never pull a schwarzenegger let's just fucking just like totally get into fantasy here let's pretend that i actually somehow became a huge fucking movie star did it for 20 years and then got sick of it and decided to run

for political office you could pick any one of my podcast and that would be the end of the campaign you know especially those ones early on when i said cunt every other fucking word i just i go through phases i didn't i get into golf for a minute i got into conspiracy theory for a minute i got into saying cunt for a minute and i don't know it just all goes by the fucking wayside this is one of the reasons why i can't sustain a fucking relationship although i've been able to sustain this one you know i finally realized uh i'm i'm gonna stop fucking running like that fucking eagle song that stupid song desperado you know i would like to do that i would like to do a three stew just slap to everybody in the eagles is great at of musicians that they are

those cheeseball songs that they wrote desperado why don't you come to your senses shut up don henley just play the fucking drums why don't you make a good fucking song this song is a class i don't want it with the fuck who am i kidding i'd love to be making the fucking bank those guys are making you know i'm gonna warn you guys man when i make some fucking money in this business i'm gonna sell out like you've never seen anybody sell out in your fucking life i don't know what i'm gonna do but i'm gonna tap out i know i am i'm gonna buy a modest house in the middle of fucking nowhere i was actually looking at property in like wyoming and montana i'm getting into that shit

having a fucking ranch a couple of fucking yaks god damn pig that you can boot in the ass when your well water isn't coming up that day fucking shit ain't working thing running over the hill who's gonna report you you're out there by yourself dude you live in fucking wyoming or montana you get yourself a spread you know you might as it's like you have your own country just walk around naked on your property nothing but you and your fucking timbulance just shooting shit slowly going crazy best friends with like a pheasant you know i fucking love it learn how to grow fucking vegetables and shit you want to stand that how fucking awesome that would be because i'll still do stand up just listen to this

this is the fucking dream that for some reason this week i'm totally into i'm gonna live like that and then every other week i get to leave the ponderosa and then i fly into a fucking metropolis right get this you know hang out with everybody who's living on top of one another you know soak up that vibe for a minute hang an extra day go to a football game you know eat somebody's barbecue that they claim is the greatest but it's always some dried out fucking ribs and chicken with some sweet sauce the sauce always tastes the best the meat always sucks you know once again i had some more smoked fucking barbecue and whatever the hell it is i always eat it i always believe like this is gonna be the one that's gonna make me like it

um anyways nah dude i would love to fucking do that shit i don't know if i could do it i don't know if i could live way out in the middle of nowhere um but i'm telling you man that that really the longer i'm in this business and the longer i'm on flights and i'm sitting next to people with fucking flakes behind their ears and they're getting up and they're walking to the bathroom without their fucking shoes on and i'm listening to the male stewardess on the mic we have a very full flight you know if it can fit if it can fit if it can fit in the seat in front of you please be courteous to other people on the flight and they never are they never are are people up there just sticking shit they could easily fit in front of the seat in front of them

now i swear to god maybe like john denver i'll learn how to fly a plane and buy some experimental fucking thing and crash it in the side of a mountain that's the thing though that's that's the ultimate right there that i'll tell you right now if you guys want to know what it's like to do the fucking road and i'm telling you right now i know salesmen and people with corporate jobs who have to fly around the country what you do after a while is you fantasize about the way you want to do the road if you could do the fucking road and i would love it i don't know if i could live in fucking the middle of nowhere like that but let's just say i could so this would be the deal i live in the middle of nowhere on the fucking ponderosa right wood burning stove

it's it's like it's a fucking log cabin but you still got the flat screen i'll build a fucking ice rink out back for the kids that i don't have you know have like four fucking dogs because who gives a shit you buy a mansion for like 1200 bucks out there have like four fucking dogs keep i got got clio i'll get a fucking okay pit bull a boxer a fucking bulldog and then what else i'd get a mutt i'm gonna be a bloodhound yeah something that likes to howl but also likes to lay around you know do my mtv cribs and rather than have a bunch of fucking cars i'll have the baddest uh the lamborghini the ferrari the portia and the fucking dodge challenger of dogs right line them up in my fucking dirt driveway

you know and then down the street somehow i'd have my own pride this is this is the ultimate right i'd have my own fucking private jet oh meanwhile the business is also sending me fucking movie scripts just offer me begging me begging me not only to be in the movie but all i gotta be is like the fucking sixth lead and when i show up they shoot all my shit you know you have me for five days shoot all my fucking scenes and i'm that guy who was in the movie like fucking three four times but kills it so i keep my career going this is the dream then i live in the middle of nowhere i fucking make my fucking uh got my garden in the back fresh vegetables got a chicken coop every once in a while who wants a fucking burrito hang on a second i'm gonna go ring the

neck or something you grab it and you're fucking by the neck is how you do it you grab it by the neck and then you spin their fucking body around and that's it right you have your oldest son named john boy and you have him pluck the shit you stick it in the set it and forget it you kept it as a joke as a reminder of civilization you fucking eat that way and then whenever i got a gig i go down the fucking street down the street whatever rural road number 47 and there's and there's a fucking airport i got my own jet and pilots on call all right and in the back of the plane there's just a big goddamn bed with a huge fucking seatbelt and they fucking knock me out if it's a long flight if it isn't i just sit there shooting the shit with the pilots that's what i do then i fly in i do the

gig and then i fucking go to a sporting event then i fly back that's my fucking dream that's my dream of how i'd like to do the road how do you like that huh booze is good on the podcast isn't it i hope i'm not gonna listen back to this one i'm not buzzed and think that this is fucked up but that's something i would like to do um but i gotta be honest with you i don't think that i could live in uh wyoming or montana um i do think that i could live where could i live i could live in parts of pennsylvania connecticut upstate new york parts of northern new jersey uh maybe western massachusetts i don't know maybe northern california we get up there and they got some redwoods and shit i don't know that's fucked up man it's scary you want to do something fucked up go uh

go on uh go on google maps and just uh just look at montana and then just pick um pick a town and then hit satellite and then just you know drop that little man and then just go down a fucking street and you'll see what it's like out there you know and if you don't hear banjo music you're not a fucking human being it's scary i'd love to go out there man i want to check it out you know just see what the fuck is going on up there actually no guy who has a gig out in fucking montana i've actually was thinking about doing it just because i've never been never been out that way um all right let's get on with the overrated underrated now or continue with it i should say overrated the word oh i like this one overrated the the use of the word countless

i hear it on the news all the time this tragedy has left countless numbers of people homeless that's bullshit i think there are like six or seven billion people on earth i know the numeric system works i can count to seven billion hell i could count to seven trillion given enough time i'm not saying the tragedies that happen aren't bad but trying to jack up the fear quotient by making it sound like the number of people affected is just too big to comprehend is bullshit i like that i never noticed that leaving countless people homeless uh what do you mean by that actually 1247 well you know what i think i could count that high are you saying that you don't care about the homeless no you dumb cunt i'm saying that i can count that high so it's not countless

1200 is it's countable leaving countable people homeless this guy's absolutely right or this woman whoever wrote it in absolutely fucking right you are absolutely fucking correct on that one uh underrated uh animated shows on tv today the simpsons and family guy are legitimately well done shows and south park to a lesser degree dude i think south park is still the best i'd go south park the simpsons and then the family guy south park has the best social commentary on tv but i have to tell you this i don't watch that show what the fuck is it i always mean to watch it it comes on sunday night the uh how the fuck do i describe it it's the uh african-american one there we go come on you know it i don't know what it is but i heard that one is the shit what the fuck is the

name of it i can't remember i heard that one's awesome i i gotta get into watching that i always say i'm going to and then i never do and there's also a billboard i've seen on sunset boulevard out here for that show children's hospital it looks creepy as hell and it's on uh adult swim that's what i'm trying to say adult swimming is is what that other the boondocks right is that the name of it and then there's the um i heard that children's hospital is great i want to check that one out too all right uh what are we doing uh where are we going uh they have okay um cartoons they have good writing good plot points and legitimate social commentary totally agree on all of that this is what pisses me off though i can tell you the the number of times that someone will ask me

what i've watched on television i will give them the plot of a simpsons episode not mentioning any names um or the fact that it's a cartoon and they will tell me how funny they think it is but then when i tell them it's the simpsons of the family guy it's a simpson or a family guy episode all of a sudden they uh turn their noses up and say that they're adults and they don't watch cartoons anymore what the fuck is up with that a funny show is a funny show dude i couldn't agree with more i couldn't agree with you more let me take the last fucking swig here and i'm gonna uh i'm gonna i'm gonna finish this thing off and i'm gonna finish up the podcast um here's something that i have learned on uh on the podcast hang on a second here we go let me get a little more a little more

happy juice here oh god damn that's fucking perfect um anyways oh by the way uh i've been watching a lot of the old jacky gleason um i used to watch him when i was a kid and i never really noticed how many the the older shows it was weird i don't know what it was because i came up in the 70s you have to understand that a lot of the original shows weren't filmed so there was no syndication that was the brilliance of ricky ricardo there uh uh what's his face there ricky ricardo is his character name uh desi arnaz that he actually had the brilliance to film i love you i love lucy and get the rights for the old episodes like nobody in the business foresaw the money in reruns and they just they signed off and just gave them to them basically for fucking nothing so anyways

there wasn't a lot of reruns certainly from the 1950s there's you know a lot of those live shows they just went live and that was it but um so like what am i trying to say and actually television this is how old i am television for the most part as far as the golden age of television right up was only 20 years old and there was only three networks so you basically got the best of the best and i used to watch like the jackie gleason show they used to show reruns of the dean martin show i know this makes me sound like i'm older than fucking dirt but they used to play it they used to play all that shit three stooges all that type of shit and i used to watch the jackie gleason show and he had this character reginal van gleason and um i don't know the character

he just had this little broom mustache and before he would say anything he would kind of sort of hum and then say whatever he said and i watched one the other day where he was playing he's trying to solve a murder mystery and he comes walking in on this couple there's a dead body in there and uh but before he starts questioning them about the murder he actually sees a wet bar so he just puts his index finger up this is what i loved about jackie gleason was how without saying anything he if we could go for like you know minutes on end without saying anything and just have you die and laugh and and and and he never rehearsed either and he just he puts his finger up and after he sees the bar and he walks over to the wet bar and he does all this exaggerated

shit of uh making the drink but before he walks with the second he's i'm explaining this wrong whatever he comes walking over to the bar the second he sees he just goes boos right and it gets this huge fucking laugh i don't know i don't know i just love that old school shit we're fucking drinking and having a drinking problem is funny this guy this is a dead body in the room and he's going to make himself a drink first he obviously has his priorities are out of fucking whack and nobody gives a shit so whatever but anyways this last week of this podcast i really learned man uh how to do uh if i ever want to do a fucking radio show there's three there's three topics that get me the most email responses of either i totally agree with you or you're fucking annoying the

shit out of me and they are politics sports and uh in jesus or any sort of religion if i go off on any of those like uh you know trashing the fucking uh lebron i'm trashing what did i do a few weeks ago i trashed um new york and the nicks i got all these fucking emails from nix fans you know last week i trashed the fucking uh i didn't think i trashed the lake because i thought i was just talking about kobe versus um um jordan but uh all these fucking laker fans just fucking writing in writing and capital letters flipping the fuck out and uh i don't know this podcast has been very educational in like in like that level where it's like uh if i ever do a fucking radio show which i don't think i will i like doing this shit better and i always felt when i did uninformed

when we were actually able to do episodes of that i always felt the collars slowed down the show you know and it was so many people just fucking with you or whatever but if i ever get in a situation i have to do a radio show and i want to get collars those are the three fucking magic topics that just get people flipping the fuck out i guess the fourth would be if you if you trash one of the sexes you know i don't know what the fuck i'm saying here i'm just enjoying the nice buzz of one fucking beer that's a great thing to do drink up drink a 16 ounce really good beer on an empty fucking stomach you know and do a goddamn podcast and tell me you're not proud to be a fucking american all right that's it okay i think we had a little bit of something for everybody here wind chimes

booze reminiscing telling you my my my dreams of how i want to live in the fucking future i guess none of which included having a spouse or children fucking creepy as that uh that's it that's the podcast here that i did it on a thursday and um hopefully i'm gonna try to do letterman again next week my set is more than ready to go and i'll try to give you the heads up this time if i if i get bumped um but whatever it's actually i actually i'm kind of psyched that i got bumped because there's nothing cooler than going to the ed salomon theater it's just the shit you just come out beforehand they show you where your mark is and as much as they're showing you where your mark is you sit sitting there going

jesus christ the fucking beetles were here the stones were here the doors came out this is where the doors came out and and and jim marson whatever the fuck he wasn't supposed to say he said it's incredible it's an incredible uh it's one of the few things left in show business that is still as big as show business was back in the day before it all got splintered into like 400 400 different channels um so whatever all you young comics out there were never done letterman i'm telling you it's not gonna fucking disappoint you it's uh it's a huge thrill and this is my fifth time doing it i'm beyond excited and i'm really hoping i get to get on this week and uh that's it that's the podcast for this week i hope all you guys enjoyed it and uh i will talk to you next week okay take it easy

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