Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-26-19

Episode Date: July 27, 2019

Bill and Nia ramble about Time Square and Gemini’s.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? I know it's Friday. Jesus, dude, you're like a whole fucking day late.

You're a whole afternoon late. Well, I'm sorry, man. That's all I can say. I made a mistake and if you could find it in your hearts to forgive me. We shot late yesterday. We went until 4 a.m. I was on set. Oh, Billy Hollywood.

This just did, Bill Byrne. Seen delivering a line and a half in a seated stat line. Yeah, we were out there until 3.30 in the morning. And how we kept it light is we were all doing our impression of Jay Moore's impression of Harvey Keitel. So we were all just butchering it, you know, talking to the director, Judd, trying to remember how that came out. What the fuck we were saying, Judd, I don't know if you know what you're doing.

He's a good actor. You've got to listen to Jay's impression of what the fuck are we doing? Are you a doctor? I know it's horrible, but Jay's is fucking right on the money. And like a lot of impressions, what you're doing is the impression of the guy's impression that got it right. So that's what the fuck we were doing. We were at a Staten Island Yankees Stadium.

I don't know how to fucking say this shit, whatever we were shooting there. Incredible minor league stadium with the best view of New York City, of any ballpark. You would think Yankee Stadium, home of the New York Yankees, a 27 World Series championships, the most championships of any professional sports team in all of four sports leagues, you would think that they would have this incredible view of New York City and they don't. It's kind of weird. It's weird that the breathtaking view is actually from a single aid, I don't know, but that's

also part of their fucking organization. So maybe it all works out. I don't fucking know. So how are you? What has been happening in the world? You know, I promised on Monday, I teased it, old school podcasting that I was going to have the lovely Nia on and she was going to talk about being physically battered in Times Square.

Well, as we've learned, assault is just the threat of violence. Battery is actually carrying out the act. Yeah, I know. That's a weird fucking thing, you know what I mean? I was fucking assaulted. I was attacked. You were attacked, but you were battered. Okay.

Yeah, because she made contact with me. She made contact. I thought she just pushed. Here's the deal. We was walking, minding our own business. We got off the subway and we were going in Times Square, a couple blocks up, coming down from the Upper West Side there, right? We got off on, well, what is it, 49th Street or something like that, 50th Street.

And we were walking down to Times Square and we had just, I was like, wow, there's a lot of these fucking people here. Times Square was never this crowded. Yeah, it was crazy crowded. And somebody I was with was like, no, it's always been this crowded. It's like, no, it wasn't. When I first moved here, this was all like porno shops and shady people and it wasn't like this.

It wasn't an M&M store and a bunch of people going to go see the fucking Lion King. I love how you keep saying this as if you weren't here when all that stuff happened. You were here when all that stuff started to change. You were acting like you're like the narrator from fucking Taxi Driver or something. Like, oh, you know, this city is full of grit and grim. It's like you were here when it was like cleaned up in touristy. Why do you keep talking like you're- Because it wasn't.

Like you're looking back on it like you're some, you know, 70s fucking grizzled guy. I'm not saying that. It wasn't. When we left here together, like- When we left, I came here in 94. I know, but like all that stuff had already like changed when we left, when we moved to LA. So it's not like you weren't here for the M&M store and all the things that have happened

since then. That's what I'm saying. You keep- I don't understand what you're saying. When I came here- I know, but you're also like, but you're acting like you came here and wow, I'm back now and it's so different. You were here when all those changes were made.

This city turned, since we left, turned into a giant- Yeah, 12 years ago. Turned into a giant bed-bath and beyond. But I feel like it was like that when we left. No? Am I crazy? You're crazy. Oh, okay.

Now, I guess it wasn't that crowd. It wasn't. I used to work in Times Square when I worked at MTV and I don't remember it being that crazy. I remember working there when the naked cowboy was still around. Do you remember the naked cowboy? Yeah, but even that was part of a sillier time. I remember when I first came here, there was a Howard Johnson's in Times Square with a

pay phone that I sat on with a stack of fucking quarters or whatever the fuck it cost, cold calling people like I was in Glen Gary Glen Ross trying to find a place where I could have a room in an apartment. And they put me on Holy App, but that's what it was, and it was shady. So yeah. And when all of a sudden there was a, let's see, 94, 95, I don't when did the Eminem store came in? Somewhere they got, Giuliani was just starting to clean it up, Thompson Square Park was just

all fucking junkies. I remember the Eminem store being there when I was, when we were here. I do remember the Eminem store. It just has always struck me funny that like an afterthought candy would somehow get this spin off that became this huge hit. It is fucked that it's a whole store. I get the Hershey store, which is way smaller. What do you mean?

The Eminem has always been in the game. They have those commercials, that one that comes on every Christmas. When Santa comes down, he's like, they are real, like he is real. And then he faints. And then the yellow one goes, uh, Santa, this, you know what this is, Nia? This is the generation gap between you and me. Oh, I always forget that sometimes. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that's true. Because I'm so emotionally mature. Well, because you're so old and I just forget. I forget you're a decade older than me. That's right. And I landed you. I know. You took the best years of my life.

Oh, Billy grizzled nuts. Somehow ran you down, caught you sleeping at the fucking water on hold there in the Serengeti. I really screwed up, didn't I? Did I pulled you in the deep water? So anyway, we're going to talk about my assault and battery. Wait, wait, assault and battery. How about that? You got battered first and then she assaulted you with her words.

I mean, whatever the fuck it was, I don't do it. I'm not a lawyer. All right. I get so like upset thinking about it. I got one microphone. So you got to go. So so we're walking down there and I'm remembering my fucking New York and you're like, Oh, you were here with a fucking game here.

Do you really used to be peep shows and homeless people piss in the garbage can. There's an 80 year old person saying the same thing and you give them shit. Well, you were here with the M&M store came. What the fuck does that mean? No, from the 80 year old person. I'd be like, Yeah, sure. But I just feel like you're doing this like weird like New York beat. But you were here longer before.

No, this is you just shitting on me for no fucking reason at all. I'm literally telling you my fucking experience. Why is your shirt open like five buttons at the top? What's going on right now? Because I was going to change into a T shirt. And then I said, Oh, fuck, I got to do this podcast because they're going to come to pick me up or the DJ or like, I don't know what it is. It's a hot one out there, folks.

And I got the tunes to cool you off. This is cool in the game with the fucking stick your balls and some ice there. All right. Dumb mustache. All right. Dumb mustache is fucking paying for a. Yeah, it is, baby. All right. Someone on you give Starsky a little hutch over here every once in a while.

Sorry. OK, so we get off and evidently I am waxing poetically, as you like to say about, I don't know what I mean. Well, I literally I went to the fucking peep shows. I'm not going to say what the comedians we first came. We took the bus down. We got off at the Port Authority. It was it was the dirtiest fucking grossest place ever.

But literally every single time you talk about Times Square, you're like, I remember when it used to be this and now there's an M&M store. It's just like we get every time you're old. Yes, every time Times Square comes up. You're like, they got the M&M store down there. I mean, what is going on? It's like every single time you say that. I just think it's a funny store.

I guess I got to wait. I don't. Let's get back to the fact that they have their own fucking store. Yeah, OK, sure. I mean, I'm not trying to disrespect them. I'm not trying to disrespect them like they're on the level of Kit Kat, but they're not Hershey. Hershey was like the greatest generation World War Two. I'm saying that Kit Kat is like below like one of the lower run candies,

because I strongly object to that. Who's kidding? Who? All right. Who is kidding? All right. Like how do I if you're going to put it into like a band? OK, all right. Who's going to be at the top, you're saying? Yeah, if you're going to say like this, this band is a derivative of that band or there are want to be this band.

M&Ms, they're like they're this weird sort of like. I don't know what kind of band they are. I don't want to shit on anybody. I can't believe you're about to try or trying to find a reason to trash M&M. They're like the old school, like they are like the consistent, the consistent top. They are but are they worthy of the stores like three floors high and you walk through Times Square and you always see somebody with those

fucking yellow bags. It's like, what the fuck are you buying? You can get M&Ms at a fucking deli. But they also have the merch. They have like the plushies of all the M&M characters that are in the commercials. Don't ever say plushies again. OK, they have merch. OK, and then they have like shirts and then they have like M&M cookies with M&Ms in it and brownies with it. Like it's like everything having to do with M&Ms that you could like.

Yeah, they sold out. OK, well, Hershey's consistent. Hershey's just fucking the candy bar, the kisses. They got a nice modest fucking store in Times Square. Hershey just totally fucking sold out. M&Ms, you mean? M&M, sorry. M&M. Are they not a part of the same company? We should probably do our research on that because they might be like the same company. I'm first of all, don't do research and isn't everything owned by like three

different fucking people that fucking pedophile with his own goddamn island. He probably owns them, right? Come on, are you going to roll with me with the pedophile billionaire now with his own island? I hope he fucking gets killed and burns in hell. So and then what? That's all I got. And they put him out and let him on fire again. That fucking Jack has pretended to kill himself so he could get out of fucking jail.

Exactly. I feel like he's going to get to hell and the devil is going to be like, oh, no. No, no, no, there's a worse place for you. Anyway, so getting back to Times Square and my story. So we're walking by the M&M store and I'm like, what the fuck? And we're just walking and I'm you're walking with another buddy of mine and I'm a few back and I just see this one black woman comes up and just fucking I thought she just pushed you in the shoulder.

And what I didn't realize is she did a half ass hammer fist that she would she that hit the side of your neck. Yeah, what she went, what I think she was trying to do, actually, is that she was trying to hit me in the face. I think she had her palm open, right? And she stuck it out. And I think because I turned my head to talk to our friend or the way that I was walking, she ended up getting me in the neck, but she was just going to hit me in the face

and keep going, you know, or I mean, I don't know. I guess she thought she wanted to fight you. So she hit. So she got me in the neck and I went, what the fuck? And I went, did you just hit me? And she goes, yeah, bitch, what, bitch, what bit and just got all in my face? And no, she didn't. What? She didn't get in your face. What do you mean?

You don't remember the bald fucking jerk off in between the two of you. Before that happened, though, I was like, did you just hit me? Can I tell my fucking story? Like, why am I on here to listen to you talk about how you like, you know, don't like M&M's or can the M&M candy that came to life and got in between you and that fucking lunatic. At first she hit me and I went, did you just hit me? And she goes, yeah, bitch.

But and at first I'm thinking, did I accidentally bump into her? And now she's like upset. And then that literally lasted two seconds. And then I got fucking heated. And I started like cursing at her. Then yes, then you were in between. And I don't even remember what I said to her. I was just like, fuck you, bitch, let's go.

Whatever the whatever it was, I said, because I did a quick scan of her. And I was like, oh, she's like 98 pounds soaking wet. Like I can I can take her. This is this is easy. She had like this blue wig on, she was skinny as a rail. I was like, I'm going to fucking beat this bitch up. And then you were in between us and we're going back and forth and going back and forth. And then finally I'm like, I'm not actually going to fight this girl.

Like, am I really going to get into a physical fight in Times Square and like broad ass daylight and fight like I'm not going to fight this girl. I'm a mother. Like I had to I had to come back to myself and remember who I am. And you were screaming at her until I don't remember that part. I remember this is how I remember it. Talking about what's going on inside of me internally. OK, she fucking I was like, what the fuck?

And then she turned around and I was like, oh, shit. So I got in between the two of you. And at first you were like, what the fuck? And she's like, what? And then I felt you get mad. And I was like, oh, no, and I could feel you coming back. And in my head, I'm thinking, Nia, leave, leave. And then the two of you, I was like the security on a fucking reality show.

And she kept starting to walk away. And then you'd say something. And then she come back, doing like the mock charge, like the fucking elephant. I'm going to beat you up. I'm going to kick your ass. And I was like, let's go. Come on, bitch. What about I just I don't know.

I don't know. Yes, I was I was I was out of myself. Yes, I was on an episode of the Real Housewives of Times Square. She got me. I was so fucking mad. I was like, how the how fucking dare you? How dare you? And I just got so mad. I was like, I'm going to I'm going to rip this bitch's face off. Right. And all I'm thinking is this is a woman and I can't hit her.

And she keeps coming up. And those the hardest part was when she would do the mock charge because she's so nuts, she didn't even fucking really see me. You know what I mean? You know, she's so fucking dialed in on you. I had to put my hands up. It's like I can't hear in the face. There are her titties.

She fucking weighed no fucking nothing. What could I? You know, what am I supposed to do? Find that fucking abdomen and in her fucking left shoulder. So I don't know. You should have. I wish I got to be honest with you. I kind of wish I was so mad. I wanted to fucking rip.

I just wanted to tear her limb from I know I kind of wish one time when I pushed her back, I accidentally mushed her in the face. But, Nia, you have to understand that that's, you know, because I don't know if you've noticed there was a bunch of fucking people. They're just watch it just beats entertainment. They don't care. And I remember there was like kids walking around and stuff. And I'm like, I can't get into a fight with this girl in Times Square.

And there's kids and families and tourists around. And, you know, as soon as we actually had made contact, her and I, people would have brought out their phones and it would have been a whole fucking thing. No, that was not going to happen. I was not going to allow that. I was not going to. I just had to be in between the two of you, hoping she was continued to muck.

And then I finally realized that she wasn't going to leave. So then I just barked at her like a dog. Yeah, you were like, leave, bitch. What did you say? And you kept going, fuck you, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my usual. Your mother, your mother, your mother to you, your mother, your mother. That's no, she never talked to me.

She was dialed. She didn't even see me. She was fucking crazy. And then she said when she walked away, that's why your mother died, bitch. And I was like, OK, your mother, your mother, that's why your mother's dead. And I was like, oh, she's fucking crazy. Oh, she's just nuts. Yeah, like she's like on drugs or something.

And then that was that was the end of that. That's the Times Square that I remember. I was actually feeling nostalgic in the middle of all of that. Well, you know, I hope the Photoshop guy has you with an M&M bag. And me dressed like taxi driver getting in between on a reality show. There's a lot to work with this week. Yeah, that was I'm going to tell you this. I'm very happy that you that you didn't fight her.

And I am very happy that the whole thing went away. But there is a part of me that wishes I picked her up and body slammed her into the trash. Same. If you hadn't for whatever reason gotten in between us, we would have actually fought because it was when you got between us and you were barking at I was like, what am I doing? Stop. And Nia has gotten physical with me

numerous times this relationship. And I could tell you without a doubt, unless that woman had a box cutter, she would have lost that would have been. I know you had your braids, right? That I don't know if she grabbed you there. That's the equalizer in a chick fight. It would have been hard, but I still would have found I would have. I would still I would think would have like rammed her like a bull,

even if she's grabbing my I would think that I would just run towards her and she would you fight dirty, Nia, you go dirty. Oh, I fight so dirty. So I would have been no rules. You're like blood sport. Yeah. I literally at one point our relationship said, Nia, if you hit me again in an argument, I'm breaking up with you. Do you remember that?

I do remember that. And you never did it again. Although one time you threw my laundry at me. This big anticlimactic because it was a bunch of socks and you went to throw them at me and I was too far away and they got three quarters of the way. And then they just sort of do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Because you used all that fabric softener.

I don't remember that. I do. We were in the living room with that fucking apartment we had. Your fabric softener. I don't even know what that means. Well, anyway. But our our our friend our friend was saying to me. He was like, look at you to me because I went after her.

I was like, yeah, well, I can't actually get into a physical fight with somebody. That's ridiculous. But my adrenaline was going and I was ready to fight. And then. Oh, this is the greatest part. And then, oh, my God, we're leaving where we were leaving. Yeah, we've gone to the night I was going down to open for Chappelle and the power outage happened.

So now we're all walking, we're walking through fucking Times Square as everybody's getting led out of these shows on the half of Broadway that didn't that wasn't lit up. And we're walking through and they had to be, you know, felt like a million people in Times Square and who the fuck did we see again? The crazy bluehead lady. It's a crazy bitch. And I was like, what the fuck?

Because at this now I actually got a little scared because I'm like, is she stalking me? Is she waiting for me? Like, what is really going on? But she was walking through the crowd. She was walking in the opposite direction. She didn't even remember it. And I guarantee you she didn't even remember it.

If I walked up to her and said, hey, which way is the subway? She wouldn't. She would have no recollection. She was she was completely out of it. And, you know, my kinder side wants to be like, you know, who knows if she's living on the street, if she's on drugs, who knows what's happened to her. But, you know, if you come for me physically, like I have no sympathy for you and I'm going to try to rip your head off.

So that started like great pay per view trash talk. What do you mean? Because you started because you come for me. I'm like, this is going to be epic. If you come for me, then, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that. And I'm going to. Hey, man, that's just like your opinion, man. That's just like your opinion, man.

Yeah. Well, that was that. So I've never in all the years that I lived here, I had never once gotten, you know, physically assaulted or attacked or touched or anything like that. That was the first time it ever happened. And it was in Times Square, like of all places with a million people around, but she was nuts. And I guess she just saw me and just was just one after.

It's just so funny that you say in Times Square of all places, because the Times Square that I remember. Jesus Christ. Yes. Oh, this old Times Square with your host, Bill Burr, why do you you just shit on me all the time? You're supposed to come on the podcast and show these people how cool I am. That's what you're supposed to do.

And you don't fucking do it. They already think you're cool. No, they don't. They don't respect me. Nobody likes me. Hey, all right. Well, Nia, thank you for being on the podcast. Thank you for having me.

It's great to be back. It's been a while. It has been a while. Well, we're parents now. We have other responsibilities. Different schedules. And yeah, I can't just, you know, do your podcast on a whim anymore. You know, speaking of which, I think a little so and so is up.

I heard her singing in there. Ba, ba, black sheep, have your way. She's scat singing songs. All right. All right. Let me let me type in the part of the password here. Oh, Billy fucking. Billy road shows, adding a show in Asheville, North Carolina

at the Thomas Wolf Auditorium in the US Cellular Center. Um, I'm doing a show on the 11th that sold out. Thank you to everybody in and around Asheville, North Carolina. So we are adding another show, October 10th, October 12th. I'm going to the fucking Clemson Tigers versus Florida State Seminoles. That's my big college football game for this year. So, uh, second show added. Thank you to everybody that is, uh, that bought up all those tickets.

So God damn fast. And I'm going to be coming there with Verzi. Dude, I called it Paul Verzi, the Rose Bowl tailgate legend, uh, Joe Bartnick. And it's going to be a, uh, it's going to be amazing time. And then we're going to go into Death Valley. There's a lot of Death Valley's in, uh, in, uh, college football, isn't it? LSU Clemson. Boston University.

I can't fucking remember. So anyway, uh, I got a read here. I got a read here. I got a read here. How far into this are we? Oh, 24 minutes. Um, all right. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy.

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Oh yeah, the pendulum swinging back, Nia. What does that mean? The social timeout, I think is over. What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about. I don't. Talking about bringing it back to old school time square. Do you know how dumb it was for you to bring that up to me?

Who the hell is that? Who's that a picture of? Ah, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it. Because that half of her face is gorgeous. I don't know about that. From the nose up, she looks like me with braids. What if Bill Burr got a tan? All right, butcher box.

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All right. I got a bad feeling they moved up my fucking call time. And there's somebody fucking hanging outside right now. I'm going to get a text in any second. Oh, where are you? Oh, oh, did you not get our last text message? No, I did not. What about the email?

I don't check them. All right, let's see what we got here. Come on. Steadily. Oh, she confirming. Oh, wait, wait, what did I just do here? I'm the worst. Neal, how come I'm not good at fucking computers?

Call time confirming 540. 540 a pickup. It's not 540 a.m. It has to be. We fucking wrapped it for all right. 540. Okay. All right.

So anyway, what else is there to talk about? You have football season. What? Football season starts next month with the NFL preseason. Neal, are you excited? No. I was just crushing. When are you going to get into, you know, I get into the real housewives.

No, you don't. What are you talking about? Are you joking right now? No, I am dead serious. I hang in there when Miranda. Why is your shirt completely open now? What is going on? Because I have no time in my life.

And the second this is done, I got to jump in the shower and get ready to fucking go. Oh, I thought this was like, you know, the world's slowest seduction. Like you're just slowly getting untressed. No, after I do the reads, then I feel like my day is over. So I get a little more comfortable. Oh, I see. Okay.

Well, just, just let it all hang out, baby. Hey, I fucking, I get into the real housewives. I'll sit down and watch those bitches. I swear to God, I will punch you in the face again. What are you talking about? See how violent she gets with me. By the way, can we just go back and talk about your little remark about how I've been physical with you in the past?

A, there's really no need for you to bring that up. Okay. This is the shame. You're embarrassed by your behavior. B, no, you just did that to like throw me under the bus. And B, like, let's put it in perspective. Okay, I wasn't wailing on you. I wasn't like, it was at most a shove.

Okay. When I was pissed off at you, you liar. What do you mean? You punched me in the face on Valentine's Day. I did not punch you in the face. It was a jab. I don't remember, but I did. President Trump, are you saying you don't recall?

Don't you ever say that to me. I did not punch you in the face though. I don't think I punched you in the face. I feel like I threw something at you. Now you did that too. Yeah, yeah, I know I've done that a couple times. This was all put under the umbrella of passionate person. I'm a passionate person.

I get that from my mom. My dad told me my mom used to throw things too. I think she did for a while. But anyway, um, yeah, but don't make it seem like, you know, every time I got mad at you, I like popped you or something. Like, let's not paint that picture. Okay, I don't need another fucking Reddit thread about me. Why are they so mean to you?

Why do you think? I mean, I have some theories, but... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think certain people from a certain radio show that's no longer on the air, you know... Are they still left? Uh, yeah, I think those people who used to enjoy you on that radio show

that is no longer on the air, you know, that radio show attracted a certain kind of person. It wasn't all of them. It was a lot of them, and, you know, so they're still hanging in there with you because they're fans. You know those people, they're some of the toughest people on the internet, Nia. Oh, they really are tough, and they... You get them a keyboard, Nia, and they will say things.

Oh, yeah, and they have a problem with somebody like me being with somebody like you. Who gives a shit? Oh, gives a shit, Nia. All you're doing is you just fucking... You, I don't know, you're just making their fucking day as they sit there, typing their little things. This is another thing, too, Nia.

You should see the shit people say about me. I don't even read it like... I kind of stopped about a year ago. Like, you can't read most of it. It's a fucking really, uh... I don't know, it isn't a... It's not a good gauge of what people are thinking. Because more times than not, I think half the time, they don't even mean it.

They're just going for a laugh, and if you're in a bad mood, you're going to take it a particular way. But it does get old. My favorite is the Internet compliment is always just like... You know, like, hey, your last special sucked, but this one was great. Like, that's a compliment. A backhand of compliment. Yeah, it's like one of those things.

Like, this is just so... Like, it always has to be about them and their perspective on something. I have to be honest with you, dude. I really fucking think that the new celebrities... The new celebrities are regular people. As far as stereotypical just rude behavior and... They all of them act like fucking celebrities acted in the 90s, when you could actually get away with being a douche.

I'm not saying celebrities act better now because they're better people. It's just you can't get away with it anymore because everybody's got like a fucking cell phone camera, and they'll record it, which they did to a few people. So now, like, there's a certain level of decency you've got to behave. Not saying they're better, but these fucking cunts on the Internet, they can act however they want to act, and nobody gives a shit. Now the shirt is completely off.

Yeah, the shirt is completely off because I have to get in the fucking shower. You have a shower today? Huh? Yeah, I'm in the shower today. It's like 5 o'clock. Nia, I got... I wrapped it 4 in the fucking morning. Yeah, wrapped it 4 in the morning, woke up, had breakfast. Was I snoring when you came in? Uh, no.

No, you weren't. You were sleeping like an angel. It's hard to believe someone so violent could sleep so peacefully. Can you stop it? What are you doing? Are you trying to ruin my reputation? First of all, Nia, everybody took it as a joke, but now you've gone on to defensive as if you have something to hide. And what you've done is pour gas on the fire, and you've created extra work for your publicist.

And as your publicist, what I'm telling you now is you need to get out in front of this, and you need to apologize right now. An appropriate relationship. You're my publicist. You need to get out in front of this, and you need to apologize on this episode for making light of some of your past behavior.

We have... What we need from you is we need you that you take your past behaviors seriously. I sincerely apologize for all past behaviors that are included violence of any sort. I have grown up tremendously since then. I regret it immensely. She apologized today on the podcast, but what was really lacking in the apology

was anything directed towards the person she did the violence to. Now, this is a classic example... Who was my boyfriend at the time? Or like someone else... Knocking him down, clarifying. My husband now... Bill Burr is... He's a human being first. We don't need to put labels on him.

Come on, I was like 25 years old. You see how easy this is to do? Like I didn't deserve it? Yeah. Do you remember what I said that made you punch me in the face? No, I don't actually. What are you doing? I don't remember. You don't remember? I remember.

What did you say? I said, Nia, I love you, and I want you to be my wife. And you were so offended. You were like, I said I wanted something casual. I did want something casual. You wanted something casual? Yeah. Remember? I did kind of want something casual.

You didn't. You were always trying to act like you were this fucking, hey, man, I just came into town. You know, like you were this drifter. I just wanted to date. I wasn't trying to get into like, well, that may not be true. I mean, I wanted to be like with someone

who would actually take me on dates and things like that. I was tired of like just hanging out. Hey, let's just hang out. Let's just meet up. But I wanted to be like, you know, in a dating situation. Yeah, I think we're saying the same thing. OK. Yeah, and then you cued it your way into the apartment. What do you mean cued it my way?

You invited me. No, I'm saying how you ended up living with me. Do you remember how you would do that? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I was there all the time, right? And you started saying that you wanted to move in and I wasn't ready. And I said, let me stay here for a month. That's what it was. I was like, let me just live here for a month. And I just kept going, this is my apartment.

You'd be like, I live here too. That's right. And it was funny and you kept doing it. And then one day you did move in. Yeah. And like the night before I had like the whole U-Haul set up and everything, you were like, move them ready. And I'm like, the fucking U-Haul is going to be here at 8 AM. So and look at us now. I know. I almost made a huge mistake because I almost, I almost, I was freaking out.

I almost didn't let you move in. Really? Well, that would have been the end of the relationship, I think, because it's like, what are we doing? Oh, once you got a U-Haul, you make the U-Haul go back empty. Oh, that's that's not a good thing. DeRosa was the one to talk me off the ledge. Really? He just went, I just fucking let him move in.

I went, all right. Is that really? That's all it was. Thanks, Joe. Joey Roses, bring in the sunshine. All right, I got to go jump in the shower. Thank you for listening, Ania. I appreciate after all these years, you know, unlike Tina, I could actually forgive my abuser.

Not the same. Maybe it's not the same. It's not the same. I wasn't beating you. OK, that's not what happened. That was only because I took some self-defense classes. Maybe two incidences when I got really heated and lost a little control. OK, stop lying.

It's not a good thing. And it hasn't happened since. OK, so let's just leave it at that. It was a little more than two. And yet you continue to just like be yourself. And like, I am supposed to not. I'm just supposed to sit there and be like, mm-hmm. Yeah, it's not funny.

The comedian, like, oh, you know, he's an art. He's a temperamental artist. Like, oh, that's how it goes. You know, these comics, you know, it's funny. You literally just gave me shit for being myself. Yeah, I did. That's that's a classic fucking woman thing. How dare you be yourself in this relationship

as you get to be your best self. And you're a fucking male Gemini. It's like the worst of the worst. You're a female Gemini. No, but male Gemini's are the worst of the worst. Says who? Female Gemini's? Yeah, it says this female Gemini. That's such that astrology shit is it's just like, like,

there's a brilliance to you, obviously, but then you're completely like out of your mind. This is just in a more internet compliments. Kanye West is a Gemini. The fucking 45 is a Gemini. Who else? Who else, Nia? Who else? I don't know. So is everybody born in April, a mass murdering psychopath

because Hitler was born in April? April Fool's Day, right? No. Oh, for 20, man. My friend in college, never mind. I thought for some reason you had the same birthday as Hitler. He had he had a different sign, too. Yeah, I don't know. I think he did. I don't know.

I just know that Gemini men are fucking nuts. Based on what me? I mean, yeah, a lot of my research has been. I mean, no, but you need you need you need you can't take down every guy in June because of me. And not every guy, but I mean, I don't know. Let's see how many let's see how many women tweet me after this. Wait a second.

Oh, well, obviously, they got all you guys do is fucking bitch and try to change the person you're with because you don't want to face your own fucking bullshit because you don't want to face your own fucking bullshit. That's what that is fucking complain and be emotionally shut off and be assholes when you really are in love because you're all guilty is charged guilty is charged guilty is charged. You're right. You're absolutely right.

Now, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Watch this. Watch this fucking 180 flip. Everybody. Watch this. Watch this. No, no, no. His his my fucking. All right, this is because you know what's coming. No, you know what's coming. What's coming? OK, what are you going to admit to? In terms of what exactly?

Thank you. I rest my case. That is a woman right there. Oh, shut up. Well, yeah, what the fuck was what the fuck is it? I got to fucking work on all of this shit. You're sitting here like you're done. I am. They have in the ribbon cutting, cutting ceremony. And there it is perfectly OK.

Famous people. Gemini. Let's go. Let's go. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to find. I bet Mr. Rogers was born in June. All right, Clint Eastwood, you got a problem with him? Peter Dinklage, a little person. Go ahead, two thousand nineteen. Make fun of him.

I mean, he's a great actor. Chris Pratt, solid. Richard Madden. Rafael Nadal, tennis pro. He's a gentleman. He's out there playing tennis. Boris Johnson, whoever the fuck there is. Oh, boy, Donald Trump. OK, there's a big strike.

Caden Bosch, no cool, no clue. All right. So you got me and Trump. Who else? All right. Who else is on here? That's it. Peter Dinklage, they could have given a better fucking picture.

He looks crazy. He's fucking raised by wolves. When you get off of my computer. I feel like that's a still from. Oh, but to pop to pop. He was also fucking crazy, though. He was a genius and amazing, but he was fucking crazy. John F. Kennedy.

Well, Johnny Depp, Kanye West. Stellan Skarsgaard. He's a good actor. Adam Westman, Mohamed Salad, the solid, most solid, the fucking best soccer player in the world. Anderson Cooper. You don't get any more fucking PC than that guy, right? It's a day after mine.

Bob Dylan, George V. Mark Wahlberg, Paul McCartney. The happy beetle. Jay Gravaro, Lenny Kravitz. I mean, what is your fucking problem with you? Liam Neeson, John Wayne, George H.W., Ted Kaczynski. Michael J. Fox. Fuck you, the guy who played fucking Aquaman.

All right, neat. Not the guy who played Aquaman. All right, fuck you. All right, famous women born in Gemini. Let's see what we got here. Let's see. Let's be in Baker, Marilyn Monroe. Let's see. So Marilyn Monroe, out of her fucking mind.

Angelina Jolie. Out of her fucking mind. We love Angelina. Natalie Portman, not. 27 famous celebrity Gemini women. All right, here we go. Oh, Nicole Kidman. Out of her mind.

Patty LaBelle. Out of her mind. Wait, wait, click on that. Jennifer Goodwin, amazing actress. No clue, but she looks like she's nuts. Naomi Campbell, crazy, throwing phones at people. She's nuts. Oh, she's just like you.

She fucking throws shit. Patty LaBelle's cool. Octavia Spencer, she's awesome. She's amazing. Allie Reisman. She's the gymnast who blew the whistle on that fucking pervert pedophile. That was the doctor. Helen Bonham, Lauren Hill.

Yes, another queen. Well, OK, but anyway, she's amazing. We love Lauren Hill. Turning 44, that's the 21 year old who's waiting for her to go on fucking stage. Steady nicks. Crazy. I'm not saying she's crazy. I don't want to say these people.

I'm sorry, Brooke Shields, Heidi Klum, Alanis Morissette, Angela Natalie Portland, Adriana Lima, Allie Sheedy, Mary Kate and Ashley. Oh, so there you go. There's crazy people in every month. Oh, Leah Ramney, Venus Williams. That's right, Zoe Saldana. Yes, Felicia Rashad.

Give it to me, Paula Abdul. Icon, keep going, keep going. I love this. You had Ted Kaczynski on your list. And Donald Trump. And Donald Trump. Well, listen, guys do stuff, you know? What do you want from me?

All right, well, listen, OK, well, you know, something that the internet existed when you met me. You could have Googled that and you didn't. So I'm blaming you. Typical male. You know what I love that you're like, so you just get to be you in the relationship. Yeah, God forbid a guy does that.

Holy shit. All right, ladies and gentlemen. You are yourself all the time. And I'm going to show you. So are you. Ass face. We're just we're too Germanized in the relationship. No, I'm fucking.

No, you know what it is, Nia? I'm for what is it? I'm fucking cool and I support you. You're fucking cool. I am. You are cool. And you do some of your various support. Thank you. Yes, you are. So stop lumping me in with the Ted Kaczynski's

and Donald Trump for this month. OK, OK. I am every bit as valid as the Olsen twins. Yeah, oh, yeah. All right. This has been an example of how to stick up for yourself. No, it isn't. It's just a fucking complete waste of an argument.

All right, mustache. All right, the sports bra. It's game of the gym. Yeah, did you? All right, that's it. Enjoy the music and I'll throw back Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. And shout out to that purple

haired woman, blue haired woman, you know, Times Square fights and Times Square. Hey, you know what? Maybe I gave her a little bit of money, Nia, to give you a taste of your own medicine and what the fuck you've been doing to me. You got the right one with me. She got she got the right one with me

because I, you know, it wasn't going to happen. But if she got the wrong one, oh, boy. But I was the right one. Spoken just like a Gemini. In other words, you were on the positive side of your sign. All right, and with that, thank God, you know, Hitler used to fucking go by astrology. Oh, he did.

Yeah, that's why he fucking lost the war because rather than going back yet, you had to beat. He was a fucking he was never higher than a fucking private in the fucking army. And he's looking at the goddamn stars to decide if you should start a fucking war on two fronts. The dumb fuck. He had like all these fucking people, the dumb cuff idiot.

Fucking moron. Um, anyways, but thank God he was. I wasn't trying to like sell like I'm fucking pissed at my team lost. And with that, it was more me ranting about astrology. Listen to the music and enjoy the fucking. We have another bonus episode of the greatest hits. There's the app. Oh.

But you never had me. Never had me. For a normal life, it's fine. It's too busy, I mean, you can't get enough of me. It's too busy, I mean. You can't get enough of me like all your time. You can't get enough of me. And I got it always.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 25th, 2011. How you guys doing? I hope you had a hope you had a great week like I did. I was, I was down in Irvine. Got one more show tonight, taping this on a Sunday. I got one more show down there in Irvine.

Both shows were sold out last night, Saturday night and Friday night. They were just about full. And I just want to thank everyone for coming down there, you know? That's a very difficult club to sell out as a white boy. As a whitey, as a cracker, as a peckerwood. It's a very, it's very difficult, you know? People, you know, for years I tried to, I tried to go down there and they don't, nobody comes to see white guys down here. They only come to see Latinos or famous white guys.

And so finally, or if you put out fucking, you know, four or five hours of material and you're consistently funny, they finally show up, which they did. And I was beyond excited and I want to thank everyone for coming down. And you know, this is something I have not been able to enjoy since I moved out here. Like when I lived in New York City, I'd gotten to the point where I could sell out a club in New York, which was great. I got the feeling of selling out a club and then I could sleep in my own bed. And I haven't had that out here because, because I'm a gringo. And I was able to finally crack through.

So I'm psyched, beyond psyched, you know? Now if I could just do something about that two hours of traffic, I got to sit in. That's the only thing that sucks driving down to Irvine. Two hours of traffic. Do you understand that? Do you understand how long that is? Two hours, people? One way, two hours.

You could fly from here, Los Angeles to fucking Denver, Colorado in two hours. We got it, Bill. And we also understand that a jet is a lot faster than a car. All right, go fuck yourselves. But anyways, it was a great weekend. And I want to thank everyone for coming down. And considering I'm in such a gracious mood this week, why don't we continue the congratulations with big congratulations to all those alligator wrestling, beer drinking, maniacs, whatever other stereotypical shit. Because I don't know anything about your country.

Australians, congratulations to the country of your Australia. The first Aussie, Caddell Evans, ever to win the Tour de France. You know? Congratulations. I remember that feeling. The first time Greg LeMond won it in the 80s, it was awesome. Because we had never won it up to that point, as far as I know. And it was just great to see, you know, it's good to win something and everybody doesn't think you can win after a while. And I hope that they don't try to figure out whether Caddell was on drugs.

And fuck with your enjoyment of it, ten years later, like they're doing with Lance Armstrong, just because they hate America. And that really is the reason. All right, the guy passed 9,000 fucking drug tests, you know? You couldn't get him. He was the Teflon dog. That's your fault, French people. Maybe if you took your goddamn braids off and you worked a little bit harder, you would have caught him. How bad the fact that you guys wanted to catch him, that fucking bad and you couldn't?

Go fuck yourself. And I'm supposed to what, believe his dirty teammate who tested positive? The guy who robbed a bank is now going, well, even though he didn't catch this guy robbing a bank, he actually robbed a bank. Get the fuck out of here. And if he was on drugs, so were the other nine guys behind him who only lost by 90 seconds. Give me a fucking break, all right? Certain sports need drugs, all right?

And it's basically every sport that is played at a professional level beyond the age of 23. Beyond the age of 23, you can't run around. You just can't do it. You know? Anybody, anybody like 27, go out and go play flag football out of fucking nowhere and you're in traction for like the next three weeks? Can you imagine doing that at a pro level and they can tackle? There's no way to do that without drugs. I am totally 100% pro drugs.

I don't think they hurt the game. I think they enhance it. I think you take awesome athletes and they become even better. You know? And I also think as much as all these people are fucking whining about them, that eventually they're going to seep their way into regular society and when I'm in my 80s, I'm going to be on roids. Nice, safe roids because of the sacrifices that these heroes made. Lance Armstrong is a hero.

He is a fucking 170 pound lab rat, all right? He let all that shit be pumped into him for the betterment of us and the glory and all the French pussy he could have. But getting back to me, you wait, all these motherfuckers out there, I'm telling you. All these people dumping that Rogaine on their head and poisoning their brains. Every year, they refine that shit. They make it a little more pure, you know? It's like, look at weed, man. Weed is fucking unreal now out here because it's legal.

The shit they can make you high but not sleepy. Oh, what do you want? You want to focus? Here you go, smoke this shit. You want to just sit there and just veg out or you want to go to sleep? They got weed for everything now. They couldn't do that shit back in the 70s. They pulled it out of the ground and you rolled it up with a fucking newspaper.

So I want to thank all these people. All these people getting their heads scalped, right? Taking Propecia. I don't like the fact that I'm going bald, but I'm letting you guys go on point. Letting you guys fuck with your systems and figure out what's safe. And then you wait. One day when I'm 80, I'm going to have a full head of jet black hair and I'm going to have fucking pecs.

And I'll be able to run a 440. And ride a bike up the Pyrenees Mountains for a month straight. Because of the sacrifices that these fucking heroes, these misunderstood heroes are making. God bless them. God bless them all. And congratulations to Australia. That's fucking huge.

That's really huge. That'll do wonders for cycling. And, you know, maybe you guys can broaden your horizons. Stop listening to Yahoo Sirius and drinking that stupid Foster's Lager that comes in that beer can the size of a death charge in World War II. Do you know that's one of their shittiest beers? Everybody, everybody here in the States. No one, no one down under drinks that shit.

That's one of the first things that I learned when I went there for four days. I walked into about 20 pubs and I didn't see one Australian person drinking that vat of goose piss. I got to be honest with you. I don't even know what it tastes like. It's got to taste like shit if they give you so much. You know what I mean? I think that that's their big thing.

They're going quantity over quality. And, you know, there's Australian people down there. They don't give a fuck, so they're not drinking it. They don't care. So what do they do? Ah, shit, who's gullible enough to drink this fucking goose piss? Oh, we'll send it to the States. It's perfect.

They don't know anything about other countries. We'll just make up a big lie. We'll make it macho. You Aussies, you guys ever see the stupid Foster's Lager commercials that they show out here? They're like, they go, I can't remember how the fuck it went. Cell phone, beer. That's what they would do.

And you guys would have some sort of like the most macho cell phone ever, which is basically you whisper a phone conversation into a woman's ear, slap her across the face and said, bitch, go tell it to my friend across town. They'd be like, cell phone. And then they'd be like, beer. And then it'd be this giant beer can. It's the whole fucking thing. Who's got a bigger dick?

And evidently, from what I've heard, it tastes like piss. That's what I've heard. But anyway, so let's plow ahead. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. If you're new to my podcast, as I see my podcast, Listenership growing with each week. I want to thank you for coming along. If you want to send me any sort of questions,

I answer questions on this. If you want some advice just to let you know. In case you've been listening to this podcast at this point, you haven't been able to figure out that I am not college educated. Technically, I am. So don't take anything I say seriously. You're on your own. If you take my advice, you're on your own.

Alright, but anything you want to do. Overrated, underrated, underrated. The email is billatthemmpodcast.com. Sorry, I had a big breakfast. Went out to a fucking breakfast place. And you know, I'm doing this whole thing, man. It's unbelievable. Where I'm just eating well.

And I don't have to go to the gym anymore. It's awesome. Absolutely phenomenal. So I ate like shit last night. So today I go out to breakfast. I take Nia out and her fucking mother. We go out. We go out for breakfast. And they're all ordering all this yummy stuff.

And it came around to me. I'm like, I'm going to do the right thing. I ordered granola. And what do they end up doing? They end up bringing me this vat of granola. And I said, you can get bananas or chocolate. Or bananas and chocolate. Extra, which totally defeats the purpose of eating healthy.

If you get the chocolate. So I go, let me get the bananas. And then they come back like 15, 20 minutes later. I'm sorry, we're out of bananas. We don't have more bananas. I just realized everybody's going to be like, you got bananas on your granola? What do you think?

Yes, people, I know my own material. Alright. So she's like, we're out of bananas. I'm sorry. You want some fresh berries? I was like, absolutely. Put them on there, sweetheart. Anything you can do to bring me a bowl of granola

within a half hour. Do you think you can do that? I basically ordered a bowl of cereal. And it's 20 minutes later and I'm still waiting for it. Okay. I know, I know. You're on this side of the counter. You can't make them work faster.

So anyways, they bring the stuff over. And they bring in this giant goddamn medieval fucking soup bowl. And it completely defeated the purpose of eating healthy. You know, I guess I could have just eaten half the bowl. But, you know, I come from that, you know, waste not want not. You finish what you eat. I have to tell you guys that shit. My parents used to do this thing.

My parents were strict. How strict were they? They were so strict that when I was a kid, if you didn't finish your dinner, they wrapped it in plastic and they made you eat it for breakfast. Yes, they did. What do you think about that? You timeout generation pussies.

You guys probably have a 1-800 number you could call. 1-800. My mommy's being mean that you could call and get out of that shit. Well, that's not how it went down back in the 70s. It was fucking horrific. You felt good when you tapped out because you didn't want to eat whatever gross thing, you know, you didn't feel like eating. But then you would just go to bed like stressing,

like some guy working on Wall Street knowing that you were going to wake up and the rest of the family was going to be eating waffles and you're going to be sitting there eating cold cube steaks and green bean casserole. Oh, yeah, cube steaks were the worst. Fish was bad. What else? Oh, it was brutal.

Ice, fucking cold. You'd be sitting there eating cube steaks and that shit was already hard to chew when it was heated up. Forget about when it was cold. Oh, so Larry should be sitting there looking like Kurt Gibson in the 7th inning. Big fucking wad of it in your goddamn chin and your cheek. I'm sorry, you know.

But, you know, I don't even think it even worked. After a while, they realized it didn't even work. It just, you know, at some point, the kid just doesn't want to eat it. And, I don't know, I got some funny stories about that. If you ever come out live to one of my live shows and you want to hear the cube steak story, just yell it out. Just wait towards the end of my act, all right? And just say, just yell out cube steak

and I'll tell you the story. Some of the stories, I know I don't want to put them out on the internet, but I'll tell them in a club who gives a shit. The fuck was I talking about? I got totally sidetracked. I was talking about Aussies and that big stupid bear. Ah, it gives a shit, right? That's how I do the podcast. If I can't fucking remember it, it wasn't important. Or maybe you're just dumb, Bill.

Speaking of dumb, there's a number of people who, for some fucking reason, are having difficulty finding my podcast, despite the fact that if you Google search the Monday morning podcast, the first thing that comes up is the fan page. All right? It's www.themmpodcast.com. I think you guys are going www.mmpodcast. It's the mmpodcast, like the Ohio State University. How great is it that they finally punished those cheatin' bastards?

You know? Can you believe that? Selling your own fucking jersey? Jesus Christ. Burn the whole program down. That's another thing I think is absolutely fucking stupid. Them policing. You know, if you're gonna police college football players, you should fucking pay them. All right? Because of what they're doing,

you're selling 100,000 tickets a week. 100,000 people pack it into a stand to watch people who aren't getting paid, who on any play, their dream of going to the NFL could end. And I don't even want to hear you fucking conservative pussies go, well, they get a free education. No, they don't. They get one in football. Huh? All you tough guys out there, you think that you could learn that playbook, play at a Division I level,

travel what they travel, be in the shape that they have to be in, and major in like fucking biology? Give me a goddamn break. Something has to give, all right? And if you have the potential to go to the NFL, that's what you should be majoring in. The thing that's gonna make you a multi-millionaire and just have a bunch of whores running at your dick. That's what you focus on, okay?

So, I think if you're gonna give these kids shit and tell them not to sell their jerseys, you ought to give them some sort of stipend, some sort of something. Okay? You can't have some superstar kid. He's gonna win the Heisman Trophy. They're building a brand new wing on one of the dorms because of what this fucking kid does over four years, and his mother needs a kidney transplant, and he can't even sell his fucking jersey to get a free tattoo.

The whole thing is, it's fucking stupid. All right? If I had the money, I'd be a booster. I'd love to do that. Showed up in a 75-Lorado with the longhorn. Just fucking horns right on the hood, chomping on a cigar. Just coming up there and fucking paying players. That's gotta be awesome.

Knowing that it was your bag of cash that got that four-star running back, flying down the field. Everybody's patting you on the back. You and your trophy wife. It's got her hand on your package. There's no love in the relationship. You don't need any. You're filled up with the sound of 100,000 people going crazy

because of some shit that you made happen with your dirty, filthy oil money. I want to be that guy in my next generation. My next generation, my next life when I come around again. I wonder what year it's gonna be when I come around again. Because I think when you die, I think you go right into the mud. And then that's it. And then either turn into a fossil fuel or you become a mosquito

or maybe some sort of organism that lives in the belly of a cow. That's why I think being a human being is why you hit the fucking lottery. You hit the fucking lottery. You got thumbs. You live in the life. Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind being an ape though. I always like doing pull-ups. There's no fucking way.

I always stunk swinging on the jungle gym. I think it would be great to be like a gorilla back in the day, being a gorilla like 200 years ago. I wonder if gorillas knew, if they knew then what they know now about people or animals in general, what would have they had done? Do you think they would have joined forces and just fucking wiped us out when there was only a couple thousand of us on the planet? That fucking stupid animal, they had that chance.

That's what you get if you fucking wake up next time. You know, why don't you learn? You want to talk about cheating. You know, performance enhancing weapons. The second we picked up a stick, we were fucking cheating. You know, tiger doesn't come at you with a stick. Tiger just comes at you all natural. What do we do? We got a fucking bazooka.

We got machine guns, stick them in a cage, we drug them. I'm on both sides of this argument. All right, let's plow ahead here. What did I want to talk about this week? How far are we in this? We're about 18 minutes in. You want to go with some advice right out of the gate? Let's go with some advice. Bill, I need some serious advice on what to do with the relationship I was in.

I just broke it off yesterday, but I need some fucking reassurance. Reassurance. Jesus, I couldn't get through that word, could I? All right, I'm 19 and me and this girl had been dating for three and a half years, basically since I was 16. My girlfriend and I have always gotten along and shit was really great. Almost too great. Up until the last year, it dawned on me nearly overnight. My life was stagnant.

I did the same repetitive shit with her over and over every night. It hit me really hard. I felt as if I were a married man at the age of 19, void of all my piss and vinegar. It pissed me the fuck off. Even the sex got old, and I feel like a spoiled prick for writing that because I know a lot of guys out there would get a left nut to get their dick wet. Jesus.

But you can't eat steak every night. Jesus, this guy's throwing more cliches in there. Over the last past few years, I slowly but surely moved away from old chicks or friends I used to be friendly with in high school until the other day, I fucking realized that I really don't have much left. I feel as if I have one true friend sprinkled in with a few opportunistic pricks I call friends. I'm not happy with who I call my friends anymore. My gut tells me that the reason I've lost friends is because of being too heavily invested with my girlfriend.

Now I seem to be left with just her. I broke it off yesterday thinking to myself that there's more to fucking life at the age of 19 than getting the same limp dick handjob every night. It broke her heart when I told her I wasn't happy anymore. I want to get back out there, have a social life, reconnect with some friends, meet some new people and get some pussy. She still keeps trying to text me and call me just to talk and still wants to be friends, but she's the clingy type and I think she wants to weasel back in.

My question is, did I make the right move? Do I still talk to this girl as a friend or do I cut it clean? Any reassurance or advice or possibly a five minute rant would do me wonders. Alright, yeah, it sucks. It sucks, you know, sometimes you got to hurt somebody, but this basically is your first relationship and what happened to you happens to most people. Women included. You kind of lose yourself in it.

You're not living a balanced life. See, you could have been with that girl and still had your old friends and acquaintances if you worked on that, but I think you got head over heels with this girl and you kind of went down the fucking rabbit hole. And then all of a sudden you turned around, there was no one behind you and that kind of freaked you out, which is totally normal at 19. So I don't think you're doing anything wrong. As far as maintaining a relationship with her, maybe later, my gut says don't do it now. You're just going to hurt her more because it's going to give her hope that you're going to get back with her

or you're going to have that awful after you broke up sex where you're going to be, I'm psyched, I'm getting laid and halfway through it, I swear to God, you have an 80% chance she's going to start crying. At which point you'll be like, oh my God, is this like a rape case now? What's going on? And you're going to pull out blue balls, she's going to be crying and you're going to be like, sorry, and then you're going to want to comfort her but not comfort her too much to give her hope. And you're going to fucking walk out to your car at a 45 degree angle feeling like your balls are down by your ankles. So stay away from that.

Yeah, I think if you guys are going to be friends, I just think that some time needs to go over because it's not fair to her. Because you sound definitely like you don't want to be with her anymore. And every time you talk to her, even if you say I still want to get with you, you're just putting her right back at the start line of getting over you and moving on with her life or whatever the hell is going to happen and that's not fair to her. So, you know, and you did the right thing, you wanted to be out of it, so you got out of it. That's exactly what you've got to do, you've got to hurt somebody sometimes. It's much worse to waste their life, it's way worse.

And you're only 19, you guys, you guys heal fast, you'll get over it. So get out there, have a good time, wear a fucking condom, always get yourself some new friends. Football season's coming up, baby! Did they work it out by the way? I don't even realize, I don't even know. I just keep looking at the ticker. By the way, how selfish were the fucking owners in this by the way? Speaking of all you people who call up those sports radio shows and you don't even know what you're talking about,

you just immediately start trashing the athletes because you can put a face to them. They're not the bad guys in this one, they signed an agreement in 2006 and the owners had their lawyers look at it and the owners agreed to it. And then five years later, they're like, oh, we're not making enough money. So what do they do? They just lock them out, which is the owners, they just basically took their stadiums and they went home. And they basically said to the players, we want all of you to take an 18% pay cut and play two extra games. You know, what the fuck do you think the players are going to do?

Alright, so it's not over yet. Lockout nearing an end. Camps could open Saturday. Ladies and gentlemen, Ho Nilly. I'm just going to watch college football. I don't give a shit. The Alabama Crimson Tide playing the Wolverines of Michigan. Ho Nilly, we got a barn burner. They're going to be swapping paint this Saturday night. Ho, there's a fumble.

Michigan's got it. I'll watch that shit. Keith Jackson still killing him at like fucking 83 years of age. Is Labor peace just around the corner for the NFL? According to ESPN report, the NFL Players Association and League have reached an agreement on the remaining points and a proposed 10-year collective bargaining agreement. The report citing unnamed sources. Alright, so go fuck yourself.

Right there, I tapped out. Okay. You know, we can't confirm it, can't deny it, and it's unnamed source. Would you like to continue reading this? No, I wouldn't. No, I would not. So anyways, let me get back to the fucking questions here. So, um, oh, this is something I wanted to bring up.

You know, I sometimes I forget how old I am because I still feel like I'm fucking 18. Because you know when I do that shit, you know, whenever I bring up a female, I walked into the store and all of a sudden there was this fucking lady. You know, when I do that lady, I thought you guys all knew that that was a little tribute to me. Jerry Lewis. But I forgot that there's a lot of young people in their 20s. College students listening to this shit. That's Jerry Lewis, that isn't me.

Alright, um, and I actually, that was like his catchphrase. He'd go, hey, lady, I can't even do it. And it was the funniest shit ever. And the fact that my mother thought it was so stupid, it made it even funnier. There's nothing better than watching a Jerry Lewis movie with my mother within earshot. Um, but anyway, so I actually went on YouTube and I got a couple of Jerry Lewis YouTube videos this week. And I was trying to find one, a clip. If anybody can find one of him saying, hey lady, I can't find one.

I don't know if they took them all down, but there's this guy doing a tribute to Jerry Lewis and he's imitating Jerry Lewis while singing Kenny Rogers, that Kenny Rogers song, Lady. Which, uh, if you're not familiar with it because you're a youngster. The song, basically, it's this romantic song like, lady, you're mine, and I love you. And the chorus is, lady, your eyes are the only one I need. But he's doing it as Jerry Lewis, so he's going, lady. Wah, wah, wah, wah, I can't even fucking do it, but it's, it's really obnoxious. And if you're a Jerry Lewis fan, I found it to be fucking hilarious.

I'm not saying it's the greatest impression, but it's fucking funny as hell. And then, for everyone out there, you know, a lot of people in America always trash the French, like I did earlier, making fun of their berets. I'm not really, you know, one of my bucket list things is actually go to the Tour de France in, uh, one of those cities, you know, where they go through and all of a sudden there's like a castle from the 1300s. Who the fuck wouldn't want to do that on a sunny day? Sitting out in a cafe, getting treated like shit by some Frenchman, right? Because you're Rosetta Stone, shit isn't holding up.

Eating a couple of fucking, I don't know what the hell you eat over there, some pastries, and then all of a sudden all these athletes come flying by on their bikes. I just think that would be amazing. Falling around for a few days, you know? Save up some euros, bring them back to America in case the fucking dollar crashes. Which it might next month, who knows? Um, I wanted to do that. So, uh, but anyways, one of the things is this country has always made fun of the French.

Um, or has at least in my lifetime, and one of the things that they make fun of them of. They make fun of them because they think Jerry Lewis, they're huge fans of Jerry Lewis and think he's a genius. I've heard a bunch of people, you know, people that I respected make fun of them for that. It's kind of like, you know, how the Germans think David Hasselhoff is a rock star. Um, I gotta coast that with Americans on that one. I don't know what the fuck you guys are listening to over there, but maybe because it's a second language, maybe like his permed mullet, I don't know what it is. Um, but I'll sign off if you want to make fun of Germans for making fun of that.

But I think their cars offset, the quality of their cars offset the fact. Maybe that's why they like David Hasselhoff. They're so far beyond everybody, you know, scientifically. You know, you know, we stole all their secrets after World War II. You realize that half of our rockets, audio tape, the whole space fucking program, our missile program, all of them, we took a bunch of German scientists from them. And we were like, uh, show us how, how you did all that stuff that you were doing to us in the war. Um, yeah, so maybe they're so focused on that.

Making cars that go like 200 miles an hour and subtly drop down half an inch, just in case there's a steel beam hanging across the highway. We can't do that here in America. We don't know how to do that shit. So I guess, you know, you're so busy looking at that egghead shit, that when you leave the lab, you know, you just don't want to think. See, put on a little bit of Hasselhoff. You know, what does he sing about the beach in his chest here?

Going out and finding a fucking the right medallion to wear around his neck. Um, but anyways, they've always made fun of the French for thinking Jerry Lewis was a genius. And I got to tell you something, the French are 100% right when they say Jerry Lewis is a genius. And if you don't believe me, YouTube video of the week, this is one of the classics you're ever going to see in comedy. This, this just, it's called, the movie's called The Aaron Boy from 1961. Jerry Lewis plays an Aaron Boy and there's a scene where he walks into one of the big shots office. It's empty. There's nobody in there and he looks around and decides to sit down at the big conference table.

He lights up a cigar and starts acting like he's running the fucking company. And they basically play this Count Basie song underneath it and he pantomimes the entire scene. He doesn't say one fucking word. This clip is 50 years old and it had me and Nia on the ground laughing. It's like, it's such fucking genius. I can't even explain it. Now some people will look, oh, he's just making a bunch of faces. Just watch his movements with the music and now every time he turns around and every time it's like a new section,

in the music, he spins around in the chair. The way he comes out of it, I swear to God, it's so fucking perfect as a comedian. It almost, it almost brings tears to your eyes. It's absolute genius and I challenge any of you motherfuckers to watch this and tell me that it isn't. All right? So now that I trashed the French at the beginning of this podcast, I, okay, for their merciless stalking. I just realized halfway through it, I don't even know if it's the French who are investigating them.

But fuck you, it's going on in your country. Their merciless stalking of Lance Armstrong. Okay? Now I'm telling you, you got it right. You got it wrong with Lance. You got it right with Jerry Lewis. Okay? I don't have any problem with the French open.

I love that you play on clay. I think your country is absolutely beautiful. I think you need to drop the attitudes. You know what I think it is? I think you guys are a little fucking insecure. What's the matter? You used to be running shit when you had that fucking sawed off little run, running around, rubbing his fucking stomach. What have you done since then?

Exactly. You know what you guys are like? You like the fucking Beach Boys in the 70s from like 1970 until they had that hit again in 1988. Those are the years France is in right now. So, you know, whatever, the Beach Boys had like their last hit in like 68 or 69. Then they had nothing for like 20 fucking years. That's what the French are like. They had Napoleon.

You know, he was one of the few fucking midget white acts that could also go on Soul Train and kill it. You know, and then he got his ass beaten back all the way to France. And never since then he hasn't had a hit. You realize that France, you guys haven't had a hit going on fucking two decades. Goddamn Phillies have won two World Series since you last had a fucking hit. That's saying something because those sons of bitches are averaging about one every 60 years. You understand that? I hope you do.

Come on, you bilingual cunt. Do you guys really smoke your cigarettes holding it underneath? You know, like you're fucking the undercarriage, the undercarriage of the cigarette. You really sit there with your striped shirts on, your little mustaches. You don't, do you? Please tell me you don't. So anyways, the Aaron Boy, 1969 Jerry Lewis, please watch that. And we actually have another clip from that where he does another scene where he has to

watch some phones. He can't figure out which phone is ringing. And I, you know, I don't think that people, like Jim Carrey, I think could do it. I don't know. The guy is an absolute fucking genius. He's one of my favorites. And do you know he actually spoke at my graduation? I know a lot of you guys probably think that's bullshit.

I swear to God he did. And in the morning they had a parent students breakfast the day of graduation. And then on graduation night, you know, there was the graduation or afternoon they had. So in the morning, Jerry Lewis spoke at the breakfast and he was crazy Jerry. And he was a fucking riot and he killed and me and my dad will laugh in our asses off. And you know, my mom, she's just not a fan, but I still think she liked it. But it was really awesome. And then when he spoke at our graduation, he, then he became like Telethon Jerry.

He actually, as always, he made the transition. He just didn't act like a lunatic. And then when he went to the graduation was all of a sudden serious. He transitioned because he was acting like, wow, lady at our at our breakfast people spitting pancakes out dying laughing. And then when, you know, when everybody comes marching in, the students came in first and then the people came in last with their fancy robes. You know, the fucking smart kids, the math leads and then the guest speaker and he came walking in and he had his hands on the shoulders of the person in front of him. And he was doing this ridiculous walk and just came in going, everybody died fucking laughing. And, but then, and then he slowly transitioned out of that, made a few jokes and he's up there and then he just really started talking about life.

He's old school entertainer. They don't make them like that anymore. And I can't say enough about that guy. Here's another clip I would love to find a Jerry Lewis's. I cannot find it anywhere. But I remember I had just started my stand up career and I had come home from some fucking God forsaken place in New England driving my piece of shit car. I get home and my dad was still up and it was like, I swear to God, had to be like one 30 in the morning. He's half asleep. I'm burned out from doing the show and driving and we put on the TV and they're doing this whole thing on Jerry Lewis.

And I'll make a long story short here. They, uh, they were talking about, you know, how big, you know, Martin and Lewis, the comedy team, D Martin, Jerry Lewis got. And when they broke up, how everybody was blown away, devastated and they were wondering if they could survive on their own. So Jerry Lewis gets his own show and it's the first episode and they should basically this was the bit. They do like the old school thing. They got like a big band playing and there's these shiny, like shimmering fucking curtains and they go, ladies and gentlemen, the Jerry Lewis show. And rather than walking out like there was this runway and he was standing at the front of it and rather basically rather than walking down to the end of the runway, he was standing at the front of it and it was like motorized and it came right out to the crowd. So the shot is you're looking at the curtains.

They're playing the drum roll announcing him and all you see is the back of the heads of some people in the front row kind of like sitting there like it's a nightclub. And they just go, ladies and gentlemen, the Jerry Lewis show and he comes through the curtain standing there in this tuxedo, not even look almost looking like he's posing and he has the most arrogant look on his face like he's the shit. And I'm sitting there watching it going, why is he acting so arrogant? Like he should be humble right now. Like he should be making sure that his fans are going to follow him despite the fact that they're probably pissed that he left Dean Martin. And he comes right up to the front row and right when you think the stage is going to stop, it plows into the front row and he does this fucking pratfall over the table and steps on a chair. Like me and my dad, you totally couldn't see it coming. The misdirection was he was standing there so fucking arrogant that you were so focused on that you didn't see the pratfall coming.

And it's like 1.30 in the morning. My dad's half asleep. He fucking falls over the damn table and goes into the chairs and crying, laughing, crying, laughing at 1.30 in the morning. That's how much of a beast Jerry Lewis is. All right, there, that's it. All right, 10 minute fucking tribute on the podcast of Jerry Lewis. And once again, youngsters, I did not come up with that lady thing. That's something I kind of started doing with DeRosa and uninformed.

We're just big time Jerry Lewis fans. So, so there you go. All right, plowing ahead. We got, oh, let's do it. Why don't we do the rest of the YouTube videos for this week? We got some great ones that will be at themmpodcast.com. Please remember to type in THE. We'll have all these YouTube videos right there for you so you can just sit there surfing the net.

All right, this is a great one. The Texas man gets a $330,000 home for $16. This, this is one of the greatest stories I've ever seen. This guy found a loophole. Basically, the guy who owned the house declared bankruptcy. He took off. Then the bank had it. And I can't remember.

I only watched the video once. There's something about this loophole in Texas where if a house is abandoned for a certain period of time, you can file this form. It costs $16 and you can claim the house. And this is what this guy did, right? It gets better. Everybody on the block is pissed because they paid like $330, $350,000 for their fucking houses. Houses, sorry.

And this guy comes in, he pays $16 for a house. So it brings the value of their house down. So they want him out of there not only for that reason, but I'm also guessing because it's a black dude and they're all white. Just I'm telling you, it's like when I watch this, I'm like, this is the greatest beginning. It's like a pilot episode for the greatest fucking sitcom ever. Like the amount of characters that you could have. It's a fucking TV show. So basically what this guy has to do, he has to stay there for three years.

And the people on the, you gotta watch this video. His neighbors, they're trying to get him for everything. They're like, well, we just think he should pay for his house like everybody else. It's like, you know, what sort of a team player are you? Just because what, you signed yourself into indentured servitude to these pieces of shit bankers? One guy. One guy gets out of it. Doesn't have to become a fucking slave to these assholes and you can't be happy for him because he found a loophole because he did his homework.

If you read about it, you could have owned two houses. You could have sold your house and then moved into the other one for 16 bucks. Quit hating on the guy. I think it's the greatest thing ever considering these bankers took this bailout money. They don't need, they don't need, not only do they not know where, they don't know where it is. They can't say where it is or who even got it. And they're breaking this guy's, that was like a billion, trillion fucking dollars, whatever, this guy, 330 grand. You mad at that guy?

He's a fucking genius. You know what I would do if I lived on that block? I would give that guy a fucking, goddamn, I don't know what I would make him a butt cake, whatever the fuck he's supposed to do. I'd welcome him to the neighborhood. I'd, I'd, and I'd be like, listen dude, can you do me a favor? Can you read some more documents? And if you come up with some other shit, I would love, if you could find a loophole that somehow affects my life. Like, like this, they're totally overlooking this guy's talent.

You know, you know what's funny about that guy, that black dude who moved into that thing? If he was actually on TV screaming about how I bought a house for 16 dollars, half the people on the fucking street would call the 1-800 number and order his goddamn book. You know? And then if it turns out to be a scam, you'll never see the guy again, right? The guy is on your block. He's right there. Go over and learn from him.

I don't know. I think it's, I think it's, it's the greatest goddamn thing ever. Considering recently I started looking at homes out here because I've had enough. I've just had enough with living over this guy. 23, I'm still living in one bedroom apartment and I can't take it anymore. I'm done. I'm ready to get back on the wheel. Okay, Illuminati, you got me.

I'm going to try and find a place, you know, that I can try and maybe pay off in 27 years, you fucking cunts. But you guys should be psyched if I get a house because all that means is I will be coming to a city near you often because I'll have to pay for that son of a bitch over there unless they find a loophole. All right, the next YouTube video of this week is Buzz Aldrin. Buzz Aldrin, an American hero. All right, fought World War II Air Force pilot. What else did he do? He taught other soldiers basically as far as I know how to be that guy in the Bombardier with, you know, a little turret gun.

You're sitting there basically in an aquarium bolted to the bottom of a fucking tank. I mean an airplane, the balls that that took. Can you fucking believe that? You know how freaked out you are? You realize the balls it takes to go to war, the fucking balls. Think about that shit. How scary is it to be flying in an airplane? You know, you have a flight of commercial flight and you see another commercial airline and you start freaking out like, oh my God, oh my God, right?

And those planes don't want to fuck with each other. They got people, air traffic controllers making sure that they don't fuck with each other. They got evens and odds, evens east to west, odds west to east, however the fuck it works out. They make sure you don't run into each other. And I just imagine if you're in a fucking plane, there's people on the ground trying to shoot it down. There's other smaller, quicker, more nimble fucking planes trying to shoot your plane down. And your job is you got to climb down basically to where the bag, your fucking check bags would be. And you climb into this little glass bubble with a machine gun and you got to sit there spinning around in the chair.

Jesus Christ. How much screaming are you doing down there? I would just, I would be doing a three, I'd probably shoot my own fucking plane. I'd be so scared and I guarantee you they probably had some sort of safety device in there so you wouldn't, you know? Because if you're following a plane, like John Elway trying to hit someone running a fucking post pattern, you, you... And he starts from the left side of the aircraft goes across the right, you might shoot the own fucking tail off. Oh my God, what if somebody sort of breaks the glass with whatever the fuck they're shooting and then you fall through it? Well, maybe you got a parachute on.

But then where the hell are you landing? In enemy territory? It's just unbelievable the balls. So Buzz Aldrin is part of this fraternity of guys who, I don't even know how he gets his flight suit on the size of this guy's balls. So anyways, this fucking YouTube video, one of those moon conspirator people comes up to Buzz Aldrin and starts calling him a coward and a liar. You're a liar, you're a coward, you never landed on the moon, right? And first of all, you know me, I love a good conspiracy, but I don't get the whole we didn't land on the moon conspiracy. Like, I'll go with it, let's say we didn't. Who, who does that hurt?

You know, what did it hurt? Didn't hurt anybody? They didn't send a bunch. Yeah, we landed on it, then everybody jumped on a space shuttle and then they just took him out in space and threw him out the back door and they just came back. Yeah, they're on the moon. And it was some fucking conspiracy theory to thin out the population out here down here on earth. They didn't do any of that shit. What were we trying to do? Intimidate the Russians so they didn't fuck with us? So we lied and said that we couldn't the Russians be able to figure that's what I love.

The KGB couldn't figure out that we didn't land on the moon, but this tub of shit who's yelling at this fucking war hero. He somehow figured it out. So anyways, he's following the guy around and not to mention Buzz at this point is in his 80s. Okay, so now you're yelling at an old man. All right, a fucking tough son of a bitch, but an old, there's a certain level of respect. The same reason why I don't yell at that old fucking coop down below at me. I just don't yell at the guy because he's an old, he's an old guy. So this guy, this fucking tubby goddamn fucking just last guy picked in gym class fucking soft serve ice cream eating fag comes fucking walking up to the guy just sitting there going like you're a liar.

You're a coward. He said a bunch of things to him. He's following out of the hotel into the street and there's this woman and the first time he calls him a coward or something. You watch Buzz turns around. It reminded me of like when I'm with my dog, my pity when like she starts fixating and I'm watching the signs that okay, she's going into pit bull mode. I gotta, I gotta snap her out of that. It was the same thing. He started walking towards and the girl fucking pulled him back.

No, no, no, no, no, no. And this guy wouldn't leave Maloney and Buzz keeps saying, leave me alone. Leave me alone. Right. And the guy keeps getting his face and then the second time he goes, you're a liar. You're a coward and Buzz fucking right hook to this guy's fat fucking triple cheeseburger eating face. And this guy, I swear to God, was like a foot taller than him and probably outweighed him by 150 fucking pounds all quarter pound of a cheese though. Right.

And he just drills this guy in the face. He backs him up like three steps as an 81 year old man. And as much as I hate to admit it, that punch, you look at this punch, I would have fell down. I'm not even going to lie to you. He would have hit me in my big fucking butcher block head and he would have dropped me. So props to Buzz Aldrin for not only being a hero for punching a fatty in the face. You know what kills me as buzz is not even that big a guy. You know, and this, this really goes back to this fascination that I have with that generation of people.

You know, the Humphrey Bogarts, the Lee Marvin's, the Charles Bronson's. I know I've talked about this before on my podcast where I was just like, why are those guys seem so much tougher than the movie stars of today? Right. You look at Brad Pitt, you're like, ah, whatever, that P90X looking jackass fuck him. Right. I don't give a fuck. Damon, go fuck yourself. You don't give a shit.

But you look at Lee Marvin. You're like, dude, I wouldn't fuck with that guy. Telly Savales. I would not fuck with him either. What is it that makes those guys so tough? Is it because, is it because the stars today actually highlight their hair? You know what I realized it was? I looked up Lee Marvin, somebody I watched my entire life and knew so little about.

Lee Marvin was one of the baddest dudes ever. The sound of his voice, the way he carried himself. You're just like, I wouldn't fuck. The guy probably weighed like a buck 40, buck 45. It's like, I would not fuck with that guy ever. I know he could drink me under the table and still kick the shit out of me. I'm just, I would not fuck with him ever. So I actually, I went to his Wikipedia and I looked up some shit.

This is why he was so believable and all those tough guy roles. This is why when he played a cop and he was shooting a gun, he looked so believable. And when he was in the big red one and all those other movies he was in, he was so believable. This is his background. Marvin left school to join the United States Marine Corps, serving as a scout sniper in the 4th Marine Division. He was wounded in action during the World War II battle of, I'm going to butcher this, Saipan, Saipan is an island off of the Philippines. And during this battle, during the battle which most of his platoon were killed, Marvin's wound in the buttocks from a machine gun fire which severed his sciatic nerve.

He was awarded the Purple Heart and was given a medical discharge with the rank of Private First Class. Okay, do you understand the difference between a guy like that pretending to be in war when he's actually been in it as opposed to some fucking douche like me? If I ever booked a war movie and I'm trying to grow some scruff and have a cigarette dangling from my lip, is this what a fucking war hero looks like? That's why, that's why, that's why Buzz at 81 years old fucking with one right hook, 81 year old man backed up that fat Michael Moore looking jackass. That's why they've been through it. So this is what, this is what I love about this shit. So a positive of us over the last 10 years being, having two wars at the same time. I'm telling you, we got some, we got some badass movie stars coming our way in the next 10 years.

We get out of these wars, I'm telling you, these kids are coming back and they're gonna redo the Magnificent Seven and I'm gonna tell you, they're gonna have that vibe again that I wouldn't fuck with that dude. And I guarantee you they're not highlighting their hair. Alright, so there you go, please check out Lee Marvin. I'm telling you, if you feel like a pussy just imitate half the shit he does, I'm telling you probably get 40% more pussy in the first week. I guarantee it. It's only that guy who bought a house for 16 bucks. Next YouTube video we got is Pizza Hut in India. I don't know what's going on here, but it's a Pizza Hut and all of a sudden it's sort of hammer time and they start doing this synchronized dance.

What I really think it is is it's so overpopulated in India that in order to even maintain a job at Pizza Hut, you know, you always have that I'm tap dancing for the man in India, you literally have to do it. I think they have a dance contest at the end of every shift and whoever does the worst loses their job and then they bring in a new employee for even less money and then they have a dance off at the end of every one of them. I don't know, probably be a documentary at some point. And I believe is that it? Is that it for the fucking you? Alright, we're bringing another topic back here everybody. Well, let me hype my shit here for this week. How about that?

I'm going to be at the Montreal Comedy Festival everybody. As you're listening to this on Monday, I am probably already there. I have flown across this country for the 9 millionth time in my life and I am going to be at the Montreal Comedy Festival. With Robert Kelly and Joe DeRosa, the young teen idol sensation from the opiate Anthony program. We're going to be doing a show called Cheat Life, which is based off of our short film that you can actually see Saturday night at the Montreal Comedy Festival. It will be airing up there and what else? I don't know if I mentioned this, we're also writing a book based off of it. When the book comes out, the hard copy of the movie will be available.

Until then, you'll only be able to see the movie in short film festivals, which they have at the Montreal Comedy Festival. So please, if you're in the area, come on out, check us out. If you're in the States, you're anywhere nearby, I suggest you fly up. You watch some great comedy and Montreal is some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. Some of the most beautiful ladies you're ever going to see in your life. Beautiful architecture, it's not hockey season, so you don't have to worry about anybody rioting. Although it probably will be ungodly hot, which means all those beautiful girls will be in summer dresses. So why don't you stand there in a raincoat like me with your hands in your pockets and have a good goddamn time.

Alright, we're bringing back an old topic here. One that I actually said I'd stop doing because I heard Tosh.0 does something like this, but people keep asking me questions. This is another installment of the ones canceled but now returned. Is it racist? Alright, Bill, I had a recent episode that didn't really turn out that bad, but I felt really bad about it. I'm in the medical field and one day someone I work with was going down to the Cappuccino cart to get some Java. Jesus Christ, dude, what fucking stratosphere are you living in? You're a doctor, you get Cappuccino carts and the Java that just sounds...

You sound like you're in Paris. That's how that sounds in my world. I remember when I had a real job. I unloaded trucks, I went over to fucking DeAngelo's, I got a steak and cheese. Anyways, they asked me if I would like anything and I told them... Oh, this is... let me get back to this. At the Cappuccino cart, they asked me if I would like anything and I told them I wanted a large coffee. They asked me what would I like in it and I said the old line. I like my coffee hot, sweet and black like my women.

As soon as that came out of my mouth, I looked behind me to see a female African American medical student. I was pretty sure she heard me and my gut fell into my pelvis with shame. Since I was in a position of authority over her, I felt particularly embarrassed. She never indicated that she had heard anything, but since I have a loud mouth, I'm absolutely certain she did. While staring at her, I didn't know what to say, so I backpedaled by saying... Haven't you seen that movie, Airplane? That's a line from the movie. She said no, but still never indicated she had heard my comment.

So I just said, oh, I was just saying a line from a movie. Anyhow, nothing ever developed of it, but I felt that if I apologized, it might have embarrassed her. And there was the remote possibility that she hadn't heard me too. Anyhow, I felt bad about it and guilty. So Bill, is it racist? No. No, it isn't. You're just...

You were unlucky. Because the second you said, how do you like your coffee? I don't remember hot and sweet. I just remember how do you like your coffee and that little white girl? They're like two eight-year-old kids talking. How do you like your coffee? It was already funny that she was already in coffee and I remember the line. I take it black, like my men.

That was actually the actual line. So even though you switched it up, that's immediately what I thought. I was like, oh, that's the line from Airplane. So you were quoting a movie. You just... Yeah, and the fact that you actually are self-aware enough that it made it even worse that you were in a position of power over her, that tells me that you're a good dude.

That just was a very awkward moment. It hats off to her if she actually heard you because she really could have turned that into this giant fucking thing over nothing. I quoted a movie, you know? I quoted a fucking movie and then it would have just been like, oh, why didn't you quote another movie? Why didn't you say I liked it creamy, like the band? You know?

And then that would be some horrific shit for people to yell about on the view. Why do I always pick on that show? I never watch it. All right, overrated, underrated for the week. Underrated. Nia's Contributions to the Monday Morning Podcast. I got to read that one to her. Her ego's going to go through the roof.

Overrated. I actually agree with you. Overrated. Putting NSFW, not safe for work, I guess is what that stands for. Putting NSFW, not safe for work on racy email forwards. If you're screwing over your employer by cruising Facebook or the internet on the clock, you're already doing something wrong. You should either be caught and learn a thing or two

or already know how not to get caught. In either scenario, it's not my responsibility to help you cheat your time card. If by chance you happen to have the awesome job of having to watch YouTube at work, the whole safe thing shouldn't be an issue anyways. Should be an issue anyways. I don't know.

I don't know anything about that. Is that what you guys do at work? You said at work? Well, you fucking listen to this right now, aren't you? So anyways, this is the end of the podcast here. I don't know how to bring this type of stuff up other than just to bring it up. Obviously, condolences go out to all the victims

and everybody in Norway. Just unbelievably devastating to hear that news. I'm going to be there in October. So, I don't know. Hopefully, that's one of those things. Something like that happens that bad and you're like, oh my god, I'm going to stand on stage and act silly.

You know, I just realized that I just in a roundabout way take tragedy and use it as a way to hype my fucking mic. My shows. That's a terrible tragedy over there in Norway and incidentally I'll be over there on the 19th of October. I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. I don't know how to gracefully handle those things. That's fucking horrific

and something like that has obviously happened way too many times here in this country. So, I hope that's the last time. I hope you got the guy who did it and I don't know. I don't know what else to say. I guess there is nothing to say. Well, Jesus Christ, Bill, what a great fucking way to end the podcast.

Now, what do I do? How about I read something about CVS? I figured I had to say something, right? Show that you gave a shit. My heart was in the right place, people of Norway. All right, here we go. CVS backs off from a more customer-friendly rewards practice. Contrary to what the drugstore chains

marketing chief said last year, the firm isn't working to add extra bucks to consumers' extra... Wait, let's go back to Norway for half a second. You know what's going to be fucked up about this is how the NRA is going to use this as an opportunity to start going like, well, if everybody had guns, they could have fucking shot at them.

And I'm actually pro... I believe that people should be able to arm themselves. I actually believe that shit, but I always fucked up that the NRA always does that. They don't even wait. They don't wait like half a fucking second when something horrific like that happens, and they got to come in, you know?

Remember, Charlton Heston would come in with his musket and hold it over his fucking head, you know? Like he just won a medal in fucking Mexico City. You remember that? It'd be nice if they had like a five-day wait period before they would just like, and this is why machine guns should be legal. Contrary to what the...

Alright, CVS, back to CVS here. Do I really want to read all of this? I don't think I want to read this, do I? Oh, by the way, somebody sent me something. Some homeless guy in Texas went in and robbed a bank. He said I have a gun. So they bring over a stack of cash. He takes a hundred dollar bill out of the stack of cash.

He gives the rest of it back. He goes... He pays for his room and gets himself something to eat. The next day, he turns himself in, says I wasn't raised to do something like that. Alright? He goes to trial. They give him 15 fucking years.

Alright? Now, the guy did rob a bank. Bank? The guy did rob a bank. So I get it. You're like, alright, well, this guy is a fucking loose cannon. Alright? So alright, he gets 15 years.

The person sends me this link. I'm reading this other story. One of these piece of shit bankers who was involved in a three billion dollar fraud scheme. You know what he got? He got three years. So there's the lesson, people. If you're going to rob a bank, take all the money

so you can hire a lawyer that can get you out of this shit or at least... Dude, three billion dollar fraud, you ought to be in jail for the rest of your life. That's what I would love to see with all these piece of shit bankers. I would just love to see them locked up for life. You know?

No more loafers. No more cufflinks. No more yachts. You know? No more hiring the fucking Rolling Stones to play your private party that was paid for by old people's fucking pensions and they're out there eating Alpo

and you're over there getting Ron Wood to show you how to do a G chord. Really? You fucking cunts. I swear to God, I think they should all have to dress like bankers. I think that you should wear a little top hat dressed like the penguin in Batman.

They should walk around like that and then we should all get BB guns and just shoot them in the fucking ass. Every time you walk in there, I want to withdraw my money and when he bends over in the safe, you just shoot him right in the butt cheek. Wouldn't that be nice?

Just something? Some sort of punishment to taking all that fucking money? What else? Do I have anything else? Oh, I know. I actually watched the Chicago Fire vs. Man United game because I watched the Lady Soccer game last week

and I get into it. It was a typical thing when an American team plays a team from another country. We always play the first half. We're doing great. I'm like, holy fuck. We're going to beat Man United with that fucking dude, Kelly.

Even I know his goddamn name. Guy's a beast. What happens? They score fucking three goals in like five minutes, which I can't even explain to Americans how difficult that is to do in soccer. You know?

You know what's fucking weird about the Chicago Fire? Is that's a tragedy. A bunch of people died and then years later you just, you know? It's like having the Honolulu Pearl Harbor attack, right? Oh, Jesus, Bill. Really?

Are we going that far out of fucking jokes? All right. You know what? I know when to tap out. That's it. I'm out of comedy. Go fuck yourselves. I'm going to bring this shit up to Montreal

and I'm going to try to do a podcast with Bobby Kelly and Young Joe de Rosa. Young Joe de Rosa. By the way, everybody, Joe de Rosa is joined at Jim. So next time you see him at a show, do me a favor. Just be like, Joe, you looking good?

Are you going to the gym or something? And when he goes, yeah, I am. And just be like, I'm just fucking with you. Bill told me that you're going to a gym. You look just as fucking mushy as you ever did. Laugh in his face and walk away. Could you do that for me? If you can't do that,

go to the mmpodcast.com and if you'd like to make a donation, this free fucking podcast that I do out of the goodness of my heart. It's not to stroke my own ego. It's not to sell tickets. It's to give you guys free entertainment. I am a martyr.

There's a donation button there. I appreciate everybody who's made all the donations you have. Any little bit that you send in always helps. Always helps. That is it. The mmpodcast.com is the official fan page. That's it. That's the podcast for this week.

I hope you guys have a great week. And once again, Montreal Comedy Festival this week. Later on next month, August, I will be in Reno August 6th at the Golden Nugget Casino or some shit like that. I don't have it in front of me

and I'm going to be at Zanies and Nashville towards the end of the month and the Stress Factory in New Jersey. So you guys come on down. Come on out to a show. Yell out cube steak. I'll tell you the rest of that fucking story. All right.

That's it. See you. That's a boring life. It's mine. Busy on it. You can't get enough. Just busy on it. You can't get enough. You think that all you're trying with you

is you busy on it. You can't get enough. Just busy on it. You can't get enough. You think that all you're trying with you is you busy on it.