Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-27-17

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

Bill rambles about action movies, Italian restaurants and awful hats.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I, I, I, I, I, O, O, B, E, I, I'm just checking in on motherfucking you, Lou. What's going on? I'm in the middle of this, this acting job over here. So I got to do this before they pick me up in the sad van.

The sad van that takes you to set for the excitement. That's the rules. If you're going to have that much fun pretending to be somebody else, right, winning barfights and all the shit you get to do as an actor, all the shit you can't do in real life, um, then yeah, they got to pick you up in a sad van. The van is basically a bare bones, usually all white with the gray vinyl and just completely like, you know, four wheels, powertrain, this will get you there. I call it the sad van.

I don't know why. Um, but that is the one thing about it. Great thing about acting is you get to do all this shit that you don't get to do in real life, you know, which is what's kind of cracking me up lately, uh, about action movies is how, um, I don't know when exactly the action hero genre started, but I came up in the 80s. So, you know, you had Stallone, you had Schwarzenegger, you had Jean-Claude Van Damme, and then you had, um, Steven Segal.

In each year they tried to, you know, Chuck Norris in each year, they just tried to fucking Chuck Norris actually walked the line from like action hero and karate guy. Right. He was somewhere between like Bruce Lee and, and, uh, I don't know what it's a fucking Chuck Norris. I guess. Sorry. My brain is fried.

We've been walking working long hours here. Um, but anyways, those movies. We'd already started off ridiculous, you know, we have 40 guys with machine gun and a guy would just fucking, there's one movie where I think it's Schwarzenegger. There's like 20 guys with machine gun shooting at him and there's all these potted plants and he just runs and kind of puts his hand up, you know, to guard his face from all the, uh, thousands of bullets that are coming at him and somehow they miss him. He runs across this fucking foyer.

I mean, they just kept getting more and more ridiculous. You know, all the way up to like, uh, Steven Segal, well, he would, he would barely be moving and just beat the shit out of an entire bar. I love when they would throw a punch at his face and he would just sort of lean and just actually watch the fist go past his face. Um, so not just when you think that, you know, and the dialogue was always really bad. So then what they did, you know, what they all went away because they just got so ridiculous. They kind of just stopped making action movies for a long fucking time.

I think they did anyways. Um, I guess the born identities and those were action movies, whatever. All I know is that now they got the ladies starring in them and, um, for some reason, like, I think just cause people were so educated to how fucking stupid they were, they actually finally decided to start writing decent dialogue, you know, as opposed to all the shit they gave, uh, Stallone to be a go for it, right? What's his face? What's negative with rip off a steam pipe and throw it through somebody's chest and

then be like, let off some steam. I mean, it was literally that bad. Don't wake my friend. He's dead tired. This really bad. Um, then they started actually writing scripts and, uh, I guess you had like the born identity and then you had the, uh, the other guy lock stock and for fucking who's the nuances. And, uh, so now they got the ladies are doing them and they're actually writing good scripts.

But you know, it is kind of funny to watch a woman like beating the shit out of two fucking 400 pound guys. I mean, doesn't it get to the point where it's like, I don't give a fuck how much karate you know? Like I could just sit on you because that's the latest one. The latest ones like atomic blonde and, uh, they just got off. They got to pick smaller guys because it immediately takes me out of the movie. Like, Jesus, what the fuck's, come on.

Really? You know what I mean? As badass as those women are in the UFC, they still fight other women because, you know, and there's still weight classes because at the end of the day, if you're tall enough and you're fat enough, you can eat a lot of those punches. Then you just, you just smother them. Remember that? Like when your old brother, your older brother would sit on your chest and you'd be getting

claustrophobic. Like, mom, like that. They could just do that to you and they would, they would win the, I got to keep my voice down. Um, yeah, they would just win the fucking fight. So, um, I'm not trying to be a party pooper here. I'm going to go see atomic blonde, but it is getting to, it's a common, you know what it is?

It's a combination of those kinds of movies and then all those feminist t-shirts that I saw this week that's really starting to fucking annoy me. It's like, do they think they're dumb enough that they're going to get into my fucking head with this shit? You know, I told you guys about that t-shirt I saw, right? This woman was walking around with this t-shirt. It said, um, uh, it said a, uh, a little boy, a strong woman scares a little boy, but excites a man.

Like what kind of guy would fall for that page one horseshit psychology like I'm going to be, oh, I want to be, I want to be considered a strong man. It's like, Hey lady, how about you say something fucking impressive that I already talked about this already on Monday. I can't remember. Anyways, yeah. It's like, why don't you fucking say something impressive, you know, instead of having your t-shirt warm up the crowd.

I can't remember if I told you guys this already, but I wanted to make a t-shirt that says a real woman isn't afraid to make her man a sandwich every once in a while. Just to get the looks. See that right there, ladies. That's exactly what we're talking about. What are you smiling about, Nia? You like that one? You're singing the same old song again?

Huh? You're singing the same old song again? I'm singing what same old song again? You're singing the same old song. What is my same old song, Nia? Your same old fucking song. You're saying, I don't like when women do stuff and say things and have feelings. You're still singing that same old song?

No, I don't know. That's not what I'm saying. You're old man. That's not what I'm saying. Prehistoric caveman. Have you evolved at all in the time we've been together? Or are you just singing the same old song? Oh, if you'd let me finish.

I heard everything that you said. All right. Trash the t-shirt. Isn't a t-shirt a little ridiculous? If I had the male version, a real woman would blah, blah, blah, blah. Your take on it is actually very funny, but still, you were talking about how the women in the action films are beating up big guys, but you're willing to suspend your disbelief that Vin Diesel can drive a car through not one, but two or three buildings and in fact

no, no, I'm not and be fine. No, I'm not and be like, whoa, that was quite a ride or whatever it is that you said. Yeah, no, it's stupid. No, it's absolutely stupid. They drive from one building to another and fishtail before this completely stupid. I don't watch those movies. Right. So I'm just saying with all the action films, you guys suspend your disbelief a little bit.

Daniel Craig can't beat up like 20 guys at one time. No, but the movie he does. No. That's the thing what they did was what they did was they started in the 80s and it was immediately ridiculous and the dialogue was horrific. So then what they did was they started to may have better dialogue and they actually have the guys get hurt a little bit were like, you know, fucking Bruce Willis had his bloody foot on the glass and his wife Peter just kept getting dirtier and dirtier.

So they tried to make them real, but I'm just saying when I was watching that atomic blonde, she's like beating the shit out of these two guys, they're like 260 pounds each. So guys, yeah, once they get their paws on you, I don't give a, if you, if somebody outweighs you by a hundred pounds, once they get their hands on you, it's fucking over and there's two of them. But it's a movie. So we go with it, right? I know, but it just gets to, there is a certain level like, yeah, there's a bunch of them.

Like I never used to watch the born identity just because the way they would edit it. I went to one of them. I swear to God, I almost had a seizure. Yeah. Editing was like, uh, uh, that was that, that, that one that Woody Harrelson did, uh, the murderers, the boyfriend, girlfriend murderers. Natural born killers. Yeah.

The way that was edited, it just, it was just like, you know, this is fucking, I can't, I can't watch this. Right. The quick cuts. Yeah. But that's what we're talking about. You so bombarded with images. I get it.

Slow the edits down, please. Right. Yeah. There was one Matt Damon was like fighting a guy inside a bathroom in like his elbow would go back. They follow that through the wall and then back to the guy's head. It's like, geez, it's fucking Christ. You know, if these NFL running backs are like, can't even move until Tuesday, the level

of fighting that this guy would do on just like every six hours. Oh my God. Wait, did you see that video speaking of NFL running backs of the ex NFL player who ran through that plate glass, that glass door and his wife thinks he's suffering from some like, you know, post traumatic stress in his brain. It's called something CTE. Did you see that video? No, but I'm trying not to laugh.

He literally sprints through a glass door and he doesn't remember doing it. Don't laugh. It's sad. It is definitely sad, but this fucking hilarious that he's just like walking into dental office and all of a sudden he just hears 1649 blue, blue said hot, hot, hot and he's fucking fucking run through it. No, that shit there. It's ruining their brains.

Like, isn't that like, what are they going to do? What are they going to do? Did he spike his wallet after he went through the window? No, because he fell down after he crashed through the glass. Was he just walking with his wife and all of a sudden he just fucking mid conversation. He was talking to police or something about something. Maybe he was having some sort of episode and then he just took off and he ran right through this like glass door.

I got a grocery store. Was he black or white? Black. All right. He's talking to the cops. Yeah. That's probably some shit from his childhood. You can't blame the NFL.

I thought the cops don't treat you guys well. He ran through a glass door and he doesn't remember doing it. So his wife was like, I think he's got, you know, his brain is all fucked up from playing football. So what are they going to do about that? Can they put more padding in the helmet or like how? No, because what it is is your brain sits in fluid. So it's going to take some fucking like crazy brainiac to have like something that somehow

keeps your brain stationary. The helmet fucking moves, but your head doesn't see your brain doesn't smash against it. I mean, personally, if I was OJ Simpson's lawyer back in 1994, that's what I would have said. I would have said OJ suffers from CTE. He had been watching the cooking channel or this ginsu knife commercial and he just got a little confused. Right.

Well, whatever you want to run, Goldman look like Vince Farragamo and he never liked the ramps. I mean, that's the best I could have come up with. Sure. Sure. Well, it's a comedy podcast. If you bring something up, what am I supposed to do? No, I'm laughing.

Okay. On the inside. It's an inner crab bitch. It's an inner crab bitch. Yeah. Did you see that? You want to see? Okay.

Now if we're going to just talk about horrible fucking things. You see that, that fair, that carnival out there in, um, in Ohio with somebody went on like one of those tilted world rides and the fucking things snapped and all these poor people went flying through the air. One person died. This little girl was laying on the ground. It's one of the most horrific things I've ever seen. And then like investigators are looking in to see what the problem is.

It's like, you know what the fucking problem is? They don't maintain those things. I used to, uh, I used to go to that, uh, I don't want to, I don't get in trouble here. Uh, it rhymes with seven and a homophobic slur. No, no, I should say I'm going to do one, six homophobic slur. What? You don't know that one? You used to go to a, what?

What do you wave? What is it? What is a, what is a country wave? Flag? Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes. So I went there and, so I went there seven banners, seven banners for seven brothers.

Why can't you say where it was? You think they're going to like not want to, I mean, it happened. I was at the one that rhymes with a ring wheel mass two sits and, um, I got a, I was, I was on the roller coaster and we got off it and in the time it took us to stand in line and the ride next to us, we lined up, you know, the line moved twice. We just heard bam. And the roller coaster that was ending the ride did not stop and rear ended the ride in front of it.

And this woman broke her cheekbone. Do you remember the time we went to that other one that rhymes with the six homophobic slurs out in New Jersey? And we were, we were in that, that Superman roller coaster and we, we got like, we were waiting to get off it and then it wouldn't move. And then we was stuck in those for a horrific, how many minutes? Like 30 minutes. No, it wasn't 30.

It was probably like four minutes, five minutes might have been like 10, but I was sitting there and I felt you starting to freak out and I was like, well, if I wanted to, I could wiggle my way out of this. And the second I couldn't move, all of a sudden I started feeling a shortness of breath and I was like, hold it together, Bill. Hold it together. I can't believe we actually went to that place. Like I assume that was my idea.

I don't think he would ever suggest going to a theme park as a date. Yeah. Didn't you, weren't you the one that taught me that macaroni and cheese is not a main dish? Yes, I was. I'm, I'm this weird combination of, you know, professional white collars and white trash. Oh. Yeah.

We weren't good with money. That was a period we were not good at money. So we used to have a tray of macaroni cheese with toast. Yeah. That's not a male. That was fucking delicious. The craft frozen. You just throw it in there.

Oh God. How dare you? Oh God. White people don't know how to make macaroni and cheese. It's pasta. It's from Italians. So you can only take 50% of the credit. Italians would be offended that you'd use craft macaroni and cheese.

Wait a minute. Italians, do they make macaroni and cheese? That's not their thing. Yeah, it is. Macaroni and cheese. That's one of the, you meet an Italian, that's one of the first things that they say when they meet them. No.

You want some macaroni and cheese? Maybe spaghetti. Chip and beef on toast. Now remember when you, you made fun of me because I was like making a jet. We went out to dinner the other night and I was sort of like lovingly doing this kind of like. No, you weren't. And now it was because, because we were in, okay, first of all, I'm on my podcast and

I'm just being silly. Now if you did what you did in little Italy the other night in the, in this apartment, I would have laughed. We were sitting there, right? I took me into, we, we got this restaurant when I first met my lovely wife, I took her to like 10 years ago, right? So I'm, I'm trying, like all day. Longer than that.

Yeah. Saying let's, whatever. Saying let's fucking go there. She's like, oh, I want to go to the store called Creamery and fucking. What's that other stupid burger place that everybody eats like it's crack? What? Shake Shack? I didn't say I want to go to Shake Shack over this anyway, whatever.

Just tell the story. We go. She wanted to go to some shiny place and I wanted to go to the fucking old school home style, you know, you order like chicken parmesan. It's like, is that, is that, how long did you hammer this that this is only one chicken breast? This is like nine chicken breasts and then you fucking plow your way through it. You wish you didn't need it, but it was delicious.

So we go there and they're playing all this Italian music, right? They got Dana on when the moon hits you right like a big pizza pie at some more and then Nia does, you know that thing that, you know, in Hollywood movies, one of the Italian likes something when he puts his thumb between his index and his middle finger, brings him together with both hands. Like going back and forth back and forth like that's so good a pizza sauce. So the song's on and Nia starts doing that at the table, sticking her bottom lip out of the key.

You fucking. But I'm doing it in a fun way because I'm bouncing along with the music because they were playing. And I was like, you know, I was just doing the whole and I said, Nia, what if we were up in Harlem in some soul food restaurant? Okay. And they started playing some fucking R.B. or whatever the fuck you guys are listening to.

And I started to do in a bad version of some break dance and shit, sticking my bottom lip out. You'd be like, if you don't stop fucking doing that and you're sitting there with a white man. Nia. What do you think? What do you think would happen? I'm saying just show.

Hey, it was out of respect. So it was culturally insensitive of me to do that. I didn't give a shit. I thought it was funny, but I didn't need the waiters. We still hadn't gotten all of our food. So I didn't need you fucking with our food. Listen, they had the whole rack of glasses and stuff like right by the window, like right behind we were sitting.

I mean, come on. Can I ask you a question? If I took you to Chinatown. Food was delicious though, by the way. Delicious. Delish. No, if I took it, if I took you to Chinatown. Okay.

And they were playing, you know, what did they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they wouldn't because apparently that's offensive. Okay. They started playing. Hi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No. If you were, if they started playing, everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Yeah. What would you, what would you be doing? I go, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I was, I really wasn't trying to. I'm not, I'm not trying to be a political correct guy. I'm just trying to get people not to spit in my food. Right. That's all I'm trying to do here. But it wasn't like talking to the waiter like, hey, by then bring me some more.

Hey, fucking Vinny. Gabba goo. Like I wasn't trying to do that shit. Like I was on the fucking Sopranos. I wasn't doing that. All right. I, I mean, your, your point is made. My point is not about being culturally sensitive.

It's about having people not fuck with your food. Okay. You want to do that on your own? Okay. Do it on your own time. You want to go in and get a bagel and be like, oh, he's gay with a lady. You're going to get an everything bagel like you never had before. If you know what I mean there.

And I mean everything. Oh boy. Oh boy. Is that a matzo ball there? Anyways. Anyways, uh, I don't have to wrap it up because I only got a, I've only been doing 20 minutes. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside.

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the advertising opens. No one's paying for me to read it. They want you to read it. Yeah. Everybody knows that. I'm starting that up. I know, but I'm just saying I want some weird woman thing, trying to mind fuck me to get you.

Yes. You're going to put it on a t-shirt. Yep. Yep. Here's a great one that she pulled on me the other night. We were laying in bed and all the lights were out and we both tired and there's a lamp like across the room sitting there. She's like, how do you turn that lamp off?

And I'm like, I don't know, Nia, you get up, you walk over and you turn it off. I go, I'll show you how dumb do you think I am? I am dumb. I'm not that dumb. Hey, Nia, go take some karate classes and beat up all my tall friends. I want to see that. All right. The black tux, everybody.

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They finally want to have to drop in four in a row. They lost the last two of the Eagles. They lost the first two to Seattle before they finally beat the fucking Marinus. And the Yankees starting to surge, only a game and a half out, you know, which is crazy, because there's only like 50 games left. How much time have I done here? I got to get going because the sad van, yeah, you're familiar with the sad van that takes you to the set, you know?

Yeah, the 15 passenger, all white, gray vinyl, you know? What about it? I know, I always find it depressing. Why? I always like the union guy. Because that means you're going to set. Yeah, I know. But they couldn't, you know, they couldn't get like the fucking, the cloth seats.

Everything's just, you could literally, you could beat the shit out of the inside of the, everything's just plastic. Yeah, I'm excited to go to your Sex and the City remake. What are you guys doing? I know. Yeah, I'm playing, but it's an all male version of Sex and the City. No, I'm playing Cynthia Nixon and she trans, she's transgendered, she always, she always related male and, uh, somewhere during the best actress on this, you know, it's great

if you transition from, uh, no, wait a second, if you transition from woman to a man, yes. All right, can you go bald then? Maybe. Like if they start giving you male hormones? I don't know. If you get the good hormones, can you be like, listen, I want the fucking, who's got, who's got the great full head of hair? Who's got the Kennedys always had great heads of hair?

Right. Yeah, like you get the Kennedy gene. I don't know. Hormone. Can they do that yet? That's not an arena I'm willing to step into. I'm not willing to step into that conversation because I don't, I don't know anything about it.

Why? Because I'm not saying they can't join the coast. God. Well, Trump did. I know. That's what I'm saying. The joke. Okay.

Sorry. Um, isn't that a good thing though? No. Who the fuck cares? I wish he banned red heads from going to war. I'd be like, my man, vote for you again. Hey, can you vote for me now that I don't have to pay taxes? How about that?

Oh, good. I don't have to go down to some God forsaken boot camp and get screamed at by some fucking guy whose mom never hugged him. I get it where I'm from. Livestock in the homosexuals are from. I understand sir. Wow. Look at all the extra stripes you have on your shirt versus mine.

Why in God's name would I want to go do that? Huh? To get a free pair of Timberlands. I would definitely be that guy if I was in the military, who at the end of my hitch, whatever the terminology would be, I would definitely be the guy who takes apart his weapon and starts to mail it home bolt by bolt. That's why I didn't join. I would do some dumb shit like that.

I try to figure out how to take apart a grenade so I could be the hit at the fourth of July party. Um, all right. What do we got here? Minutes and 54 seconds. All right. I'm contractually obligated to do 30 seconds. I mean, 30 minutes.

Um, so, all right. Huh? I have a contract with the people. Yes, I have a people's contract. I told them back in 2007 that I was going to make podcasting great again. Hey, how much do you think? How much money do you think Obama's making tonight? What's he doing?

Oh, dude, he's got he's got a tour that's bigger than Kevin Hart. Actually, I don't think he is. I think Kevin's still making more. He has a $69 million tour. He's doing really giving raw raw speeches to corporations. You know, 1,000 points of light. He's getting his bribe money near him. And what's his wife's name Penelope?

How dare you? Her name is Michelle. Michelle. I know she tweeted so much. I should have known what her name was. Don't ever disrespect Michelle. Yeah. Why are they trying to act like the wife of the guy who was actually doing the job

is so goddamn important now? I don't understand that. All around the world same song. Huh? Who's Martha Stewart dating? I don't know what the fuck he does. When was the last time you heard Stedman say something on Twitter? Huh?

I'm telling you those ladies, they got their bitches in line. I'm just fucking around. Hey, Nia, do you want to make fun of my hat before we go? Oh my God. Okay. So let me do the, let me get the backstory. Bill fucking bought a sassy Midwestern mom New York tourist hat. And it's the most ridiculous thing.

Can I please take a picture of you and tweet it? Yes. This is what happened. I'm as bald as Charlie Brown. Actually, he's got that one curly cute thing. And the sun was out tomorrow. The sun was out. And I just, it was just fucking a hot New York day and I didn't have my hat because

I fucking worked out with my Nike hat and I needed one because I actually used to think if I'm so pasty that if I got a little bit of sun that would be good, but it's bad. Yes. Back as you come in. Yeah, I come in red. They're like, what the fuck did we do with this? So I had to put a hat on so I didn't fuck up my Cynthia Nixon acting gig here. So, you know, all they have this time of year is they just have all these New York City hats.

I'm down in the village. So I was in a bind and they didn't have a mirror and I bought it. And it's like, literally, you know, those, you know, those shirts Jay Leno wears with the Jean Jean. It's like denim. It's a denim hat. New York City hat. And it's the kind of hat that a white Midwestern mom would wear and be like, oh, I got it. I got it.

I got a hat from from New York City. Look, kids, I got a hat. I got a baseball hat like you guys have. Like, that's exactly what this hat is. The woman on set was making fun of it. I said, how awful is this hat? She goes, it's pretty awful. I go, look at this cool t-shirt my wife bought me.

I go, and I just ruin it with this hat. She goes pretty much like she was giving me no daylight. She wasn't, there was no out nothing. All right. We'll, we'll, we'll. I'll through the MM podcast. We'll tweet out a picture of my awful hat. All right.

Fuckos. Enjoy the music transitioning into some, an extra 30 minutes here of a greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts from a Thursday afternoon that went by, but is no longer here, but will never be forgotten. I got a little too familiar now. Hey, you know what? People wanted me to talk about Jay-Z and Solange. Oh, the elevator fight.

Uh, whatever the hell her fucking name is. Solange. That's her name. I'm sick of Jay-Z wearing that Roger Moore tuxedo. We get it. You're fucking cool. I'm not for ready. Tom Ford.

Oh, is that what that is? Always. I don't fucking know. I always be at this point, Jay-Z's so famous, you forget he's from Brooklyn. And he fucking grew up in a street corner, can still beat the shit out of you. You know? So though, him with his shirt off, you know? I don't know.

He's definitely a businessman. Yeah, exactly. He's fine dining. He's eating like steak and wine and like croissants and shit. He is not P90X-ing. I can tell you that. He doesn't need to do all that. He's got the gift to gab.

He doesn't need to do all that. He doesn't. He doesn't. You know what? I've had enough arguments with people. God bless him and his Roger Moore tuxedo. Did you talk about the elevator fight? No, I didn't.

I'll talk about it. Oh, I'll talk about it right now. I'll talk about it all day. I thought Jay-Z, regardless of whatever the fuck he said that set her off, showed unbelievable restraint. Okay. Getting kicked by a woman in high heel shoes. I've been there.

Okay. That fucking hurts. And he kept taking it to the hands. And there was a moment at one. I watched it once. There was a time, like one of the last times she hit him, she even flinched because she was like, yeah, at this point, I deserve to get punched in the face. You see her flinch.

She spit at him. That was what was really awful. That's what I forgot to do to that driver this morning. Spit at him? That frowning bitch move. No, I never do that. No, no, no. But, you know, their family has problems like anybody else's family.

I feel like if anything, it just, you know, it just goes to show you that you shouldn't feel bad when, you know, your uncles or whatever start screaming at each other over Thanksgiving. That is funny though. When you really think about how many people are, who are judging them, actually there's footage that exists somewhere of their family fighting in an elevator. It's just they're not famous and nobody cares. Someone cares. Yeah.

Exactly. It just gets taped over. Yeah. I feel like a lot of, there are a lot more like physical fights that happen in families between siblings and stuff that most people wouldn't want to admit, you know. So it's, I, it's, I really don't think it's that big of a deal. I was watching it like salon, stop, no, he definitely said something fucked up because he definitely did.

Because Beyonce didn't do anything. Yeah. She was, she was standing there. She left with her sister too. She was probably like, well, that's what happens when you say X, Y and Z. That was her vibe. Yeah. So, but it's not that big of a deal, I don't feel like, you know.

No, that's kind of a big, no, that's a, that's, that's, it's over. Their relationship is fucking over. And if money wasn't involved, who's relationship, Jay-Z's and the fucking, The Langes? Yeah. Uh-uh. No sidekick there. She's not a sidekick.

Yeah, she is. Come on. She's, she's frank, frank Stallone. No, no, she has a really good album. I love her music and she has great style. No, she's not as famous as Beyonce, obviously. And all these dumbass internet people on Twitter are like, I've never even heard of her until now.

She should be thankful she got any kind of press. This is, this is my theory. I don't know shit. Just cause you don't know music beyond what's on your top 40 radio stations that they play in the morning while you're going to work. Doesn't mean that this person isn't talented. No, I just get annoyed with that. Geez, first the vegans, now the music lovers.

This is the deal. The only way she can make it is if she's in the same group as Beyonce. Cause that's the way it fucking works. There's no way, never in the history of two people in the same family trying to be a solo artist have they ever made it. They always, you gotta be together, the Everly brothers, the Jackson five, the Ausmans. And then what happens is somebody breaks out of it and then the rest of them go back to the dinner table going, I have an album out too.

Whenever he's like, yeah, we don't care. I know I'm your mother. I don't care. Michael is special. Donnie and Marie are the best. They're younger than you. They're cuter than you. And Jesus likes them better.

And that's what happens. And you're fucked. So the only move she had was when Beyonce was on the way up, she should have been in Destiny's Child. Look at me. Look at me on the other side of the fence, just calling off groups here. Bill, she was, well, maybe she wasn't. Was she in that group?

She was like a backup. It was Kim Coles and that chick from the one in the roller skates, Tutie. Wasn't she in that? They're just, they're just naming black people now. Yeah. No, she was like a backup dancer. She went on tour with them when she was younger. She had an album when she was younger.

She got pregnant. She moved to like, I was a backup dancer. I was a backup dancer. I was. Remember that ACDC, that ACDC video who made who when I had all the Anguses up there? I was one of the Anguses. She also, she also, I didn't really people. I did.

I wish I did. She also wrote quite a few of Beyonce's songs and like co-wrote some of Destiny's Child song too. So, you know, she's got other talents and things, you know? Yeah. She doesn't need to be as famous as her sister though. She's like that chick. And I say, Hey, yeah, yeah.

Linda Perry? No. Yes. That's who that is. What's going on? Her name is Linda Perry. No, it isn't. It's like Jessica or something.

It's not. You know I'm right. No, I don't know what her name is. For non-blondes. Yeah. Lead singer Linda Perry recently married to Sarah Gilbert from Roseanne. Did you know that? Who played Darling?

They're married. The last time I saw Linda Perry, not the last time like I see her, but I saw her at the restaurant in question. Wait, isn't that For Non-Blondes chick? Isn't she like, fuck, she's got to be my age. Probably. What's she going around with that little girl for? What are you talking about?

Sarah Gilbert's older than I am. I saw the show the other day. She was like 12. That's because she looks great. No, I was joking. I was watching the fucking TV show. I'm just bombing all over the place. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr. This is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 27th, 2009 in the year of the cunt. I can never remember what year it is in the Chinese news. Is it the year of the pig? I think it is the year of the pig, isn't it? I saw a thing the other night. You know those shows where they have people, they flip houses, they buy some dilapidated hunk of shit from some old lady who just died when she fucking passed out face first in

her fucking dog food because the goddamn bankers killed her 401K, right? Do old people have 401Ks? Do they have that back in the day when they were buying war bonds? Look at my dog sleeping over there. Look at her. Fucking adorable. Anyways, yeah, I was watching this thing, I hate those shows where they flip the houses because you just see people getting completely fucked over.

You get a couple of shitheads. They don't even know what they're doing and then they go in there and they go to Grossman's or what's some awful hardware store, Home Depot, they go down there and they buy a bunch of cheap tiles and then everybody walks in like, oh my god, it's beautiful. Look at the tile work and it was like done by this fucking accountant. You know, I hate to, you know, this old house, like it's, that guy gave a shit about the house. Now they should just, they're just showing people getting fucked over.

I can't stand that when people walk in and then they think that the place looks amazing because they change the brown paint to red and that opens the room up or whatever fucking mind trick they used and it's still the exact same piece of shit house and these guys sell it to these fucking morons for an extra 40 grand when all they had to do was buy a bucket of paint, you know? You know what that reminds me of? I hate those commercials now where they're trying to make it seem like fast food is at the level of a five star restaurant and they get these white trash fucking idiots and they

just see a tablecloth and some cloth napkin and then they bring in some pizza hut and they're eating their pasta. Have you seen that commercial? And that girl's like, oh my God, it's so decadent. Who the fuck uses that word when they're talking about pasta? It's decadent, you know? It's like, did you just want to use that word? You dumb fuck.

And then they come in and they're like, oh, it's pizza hut. It's pizza hut. Oh my God, I can't believe that I eat that shit every week. I always tasted like shit, but now these fucking cloth napkins, oh my God, it's so fucking decadent. Ugh, and they're breeding. And they're breeding. They're not using condoms and they're eating pasta.

I mean, and I like how all these other fucking fast food places are acting like they invented these mini burgers, you know what I mean? Like White Castle doesn't exist. I'm really waiting for White Castle to sue Jack in the Box or any one of these other places. These guys who come up and they call them sliders. And evidently, it's not as fattening because rather than eating one burger, they take a burger and they cut it into three little ones.

But because they're little, even though you're eating the exact same amount of fucking burger, you know, somehow it's less fattening. I don't know. So much what I just said is, you know, obviously just not even researched. But you know, that fucking lady using the word decadent just really annoys me. You know what annoys me even more? I can't even give you a fucking definition for it. What is it?

Extravagant? Is that what it means? Or is that Latin for, oh my God, I can't believe this shitty pasta tastes much better with cloth napkins. Is that what the fuck it means? You know what? I'm going to look it up right now. Because I'm going to set you guys up with what this week is going to be all about.

This is going to be, there's a lot of information, a lot of information this week. That's going to be coming. How the fuck you spelled decadent? D-E-C-D-K-A, another A, deca, no, D-E-C-A, dent, decadent. Ah, Jesus Christ, that wasn't even close, was I? D-E-C-A-D-E-N, T, wow, fuck, I got it, holy shit, all right, decadence, let's go to Wikipedia. God knows, they're fucking credible. Decadence can refer to a personal trait or to the state of society or a segment of it.

Used to describe a person's lifestyle. It describes, what the fuck happened just there, my god damn computer, used to describe a person's lifestyle, it describes a lack of moral and intellectual discipline. Well, there's a fucking left turn. Oh, no, wait, yeah, wait a second, no, that's, I guess it's got to be right, am I going to question these people? I'm a moron. Bill, why don't you just read it and shut the fuck up, all right, I will, all right.

Used to describe a person's lifestyle, it describes a lack of moral and intellectual discipline or in the Oxford Dictionary, a luxurious self-indulgence, okay, you know, who the fuck describes pasta as a luxurious self-indulgent, you know, some, you know, who does some stupid white trash con to eat fucking macaroni and cheese six days a week and all of a sudden you bring her a little fucking ziti and you know, she can't believe it. Oh my god, I thought decadence, she was actually, that was an insecure comment, they probably had an extra couple of forks there and she started to panic, you know what I mean?

Just like Jody Foster, when she's talking to that dude in the silence of the lambs and he can tell that she grew up dirt poor because of her shoes, right, you know, that's all the end of that commercial need was somebody saying, I can smell your cunt. That would have been, that would have been, all right, you know, I'm really being crude right now and I apologize, especially after last week, that video that I told all you guys to see. I got a lot of, I got a lot of feedback about that one and about what a ignorant moron I am and I'll be reading those a little bit later.

Look at me foreshadowing here. You like that? Like I'm on a goddamn radio station. All right, let's get to some, if you're new to this podcast, I do one of these every week and this is basically what it is, all right? If you think it's going to get better, like I'm building to something, I'm not. This is pretty much, I'm going to flat line the whole week and I feel like I have internal hiccups right now.

You know those hiccups where you start to hiccup but then you don't, huh? Am I doing an 80s bit again? What's the deal with internal hiccups? It's like a fart, doesn't know where to go. Oh God, I'd love to fucking do stand up in the 80s. It was so much easier, wasn't it? One week you're an accountant and the next minute you're on comic strip live wearing the same blazer that you wore when you were doing somebody's taxes, except you just fucking

pulled the sleeves up and everything was funny back then. All right, let's get on to some shit here. Bill, just for your information, the guy, the rapper you were trying to talk about last week, it's pronounced, I still can't say it's Kuali. I've never heard somebody say it, Talib Kuali, Kuali, I don't fucking know what his name is. Kuali, I mean, I listen to somebody's rap, you know, I like about the guy, he doesn't say his fucking name every three seconds.

And the one time when I need somebody to do it, he doesn't do it, I still don't know how to say it. This guy's spelled the Q-U-A, how do you say it, is that Kwa, Kwa-Zay, right? That's how you say it, so Kwa, Kuali, Talib Kuali, this is fucking pathetic, what do I want to do, all right, you know, all right, plowing ahead here. Here's one that somebody actually was going to have for another segment, but this seemed more like a ask bill. Here's two things I'd love to hear your opinion on, drugs and double dates.

Yeah, so this guy wants to hear my opinions on double dates, and this actually, I think this is more of an ask bill kind of question. So he says, long story short, I met the hottest chick ever at a club, dude, I met the hottest fucking chick ever, her name's fucking Stacy. I get a number, I'm gonna read this all like I'm a fucking narcissist back in the day in Kenmore Square, dude, let's go down to fucking Narcissus with that fucking Z-Caviricis, dude. Fucking go down there, get a couple of roofies, drop them in a fucking Zima, dude. Fucking quack sucker.

All right, long story short, me and the hottest chick ever, I read a club, I get her number, we talk, I ask her out, she changes it, okay, I ask her out, and then she changes it to a double date with her sister. So I go out on this double date to an extremely expensive restaurant, I'm 22 in college, broke. I drop $140 on her, the sister wouldn't let me out of her sight, and all I got was one small kiss, later on I did not even get a kiss goodnight because the sister was watching. All right, dude, now, you really shouldn't be asking my opinion on double dating, but this is really about, is how did you, as a young man, 22, I'm gonna cut you some slack

here, end up in that situation, okay? Don't walk away from this, just go in like, you know, what you wanted to do, overrated, underrated, overrated, fucking, you know, double date, and it sucks, no. You should have, right there, dude, you went, when she tried to turn it into a double date, right there, you just have to be, no, I don't wanna do that, and she'll be like, why don't you wanna do that, and you'll just be like, I don't like going on double dates, why not? Because one person ends up not having a good time, and it's usually the other cunt that you bring, you can clean this up.

No, you know what I mean, you just say it, I swear to God, that's when you're 22, you don't realize the power of no, all right? It actually seems like maybe you have some shit going on, because at 22 most guys don't know how to talk to women, so all women here is yes, yes, yes, especially if they're hot. They just keep fucking agreeing with them, so if you say no, all of a sudden it's kind of different, I mean, you could fuck it up, but at the end of the day, dude, you didn't get laid, and you were out 150 bucks, all right? Think about that moment when she said, let's turn, you know, gonna turn this into a double

date, what did your internal voice say, oh great, or did it say fuck, this is gonna suck, this is gonna suck, I'm not gonna be able to get along with this girl, you know, Joe Pesci, I'm trying to fucking bang this broad over here, you know, it's not gonna go good, so right there you just gotta, you just gotta say no, I don't wanna do a double date, and she'll say why, just say cause I'm 22, what am I, potsy, we on happy days, we gonna go to the inspiration point, you wanna go out on a date with me, don't ya, at that point you bring a little anger into it, and you kinda just show the side of your head, and you don't really look at her, that'll get ya, that'll get ya a second date, all right,

that was fucking brutal, that was bad advice, I'm trying to tell you dude, just don't fucking go on a double date, all right, they suck, you knew they suck, you knew before you even went on it, you knew it was gonna suck, and if you're broke, don't take a girl to some place where you gotta drop 140 bucks, you know, what did she do to deserve $140 meal, what, cause she's hot, like that's some sort of accomplishment, she was born that way, you know, what you did is you basically took probably a nice girl, and you just added another layer to the foundation of her just being an incredibly stuck up human being who doesn't have to develop a personality, you know, look at me making all these judgments, but I think

it's true, just cause you're hot doesn't mean you deserve a $140 meal, if you're broke, dude be honest with yourself, if that chick was like a seven, you know, you'd probably take it a pizza hut for some fucking decadent pasta, so I don't know, did I help you there, I gotta stop doing these podcasts on Sunday cause I'm fucking jet lagged from flying back to wherever the fuck I came from, I was actually working Denver this weekend, I was at the comedy work so I should take some time here to thank everyone who came out to see me, the turnout in Denver was ridiculous and I actually flew in a day early and I got to do five minutes out at Red Rocks, and if you're not from Denver and you're not a fan

of U2, just go on YouTube and just Google Red Rocks, it's fucking, it's one of the most amazing venues, it's basically an outdoor venue built into the side of a mountain, and that YouTube video, speaking of that, yeah that's what I was trying to say, that YouTube video, I don't know what the fuck it was called, Unforgettable Fire, I don't know what was it about, what was it about, what did YouTube sing about, they sing about breaking up with girls, Martin Luther King, and then they went through their irony stage, didn't they, where he wore the big glasses, and he just acted like everything was fucking surreal, I don't know whatever, there's a video that they did way back in the day and

he marches around with a fucking flag, like he's in, I don't know, like they're doing something, he playing like this military beat, and he comes, oh that's that old fucking David Spade bit, he starts chatting no war, there you go, it's that video, yeah no Bill we got it, it's not like they're a small fucking indie band, we knew 10 minutes ago when you started describing it, alright, alright, sometimes they get a little carried away, I, just reminds me of something, I've kind of fallen out with somebody, like two months ago, you ever have somebody, your friend of yours just say something so fucking stupid that you don't even get angry, and you just, you just have that moment like wow, I can't be friends with this person

anymore, because they were fucking moron, you know, you know what happens, somebody, somebody, it's happened to me twice, one time somebody said, they were talking about secretariat, that horse, and they were talking about all the races, the horse one, and in the end they went what an athlete, and I don't know, that was it, I just could never look at them the same way, what an athlete, you know, I just, do I even need to fucking go off on that, do I need to explain, can you tell them actually scrolling down, I'm trying to find something else, somebody wrote a fucking question about that, this whole fucking podcast, it's just falling apart, this is what you get, you know what, maybe if I started charging for these

things, I'd take them a little more seriously, and we wouldn't have these long lulls, my dog's fast asleep from my monotone voice, there's no, there's no passion in this, what am I doing here, what the fuck is it, you know what, fuck this podcast, am I gonna start over, I'm not gonna start, you know I'm gonna plow through, I can't, I can't start over, this is it, I got one take, this is like live television here, I'm just gonna read everything in front of me, how about that, alright, Bill, I was listening to your podcast on July 20th, you said that the YouTube video, Tough Talking College Girl was a must see, I searched forward, oh yeah, people kinda took it down, people took that one down, and if you didn't see

it, people keep putting it back up, so just check every couple of days, just look up Search Tough Talking College Girl, T-U-F-F, and it's talking with the G, even though I don't pronounce my Gs, anyways, here's one for your PS, my girlfriend and I were at the grocery store last night, and all that they had open were those self checkouts, this was the first time I was put in that situation because they usually always have at least one real lane open, anyways the place was fucking swamped, and going to a real person to pay for the shit wasn't even an option, they were three fucking employees, it was just three fucking employees standing there, I went up to the three fucks and I asked them if they would open a real lane and

they just told me that they were two short staffed, fucking whore shit this guy says, he said, I thought to myself, where is Bill Burr when you need him, dude what would I do other than just sit there and curse under my breath next to some fucking candy like you did, fucking bullshit, fucking bullshit, so I got in line and I rang up my own shit like a little bitch, I had no other option, what would you have done in that situation, I would have done exactly what you did, I would have been hostile towards the three people there, I would have cursed under my breath and then I probably just would have fucking, you know, depending on how much I needed the shit, if I really didn't need the

stuff what I would have done, what I would like to, you know what I'm doing right now, I'm doing that shit, you know, after something goes down and the guy tells you the story then there's always that douchebag who goes, dude you know what I would have done, you know what I would have done now that I have all the fucking information, you know what you could do in the future is just say, oh well then I'm going to come back during the day when you have some people and then just leave your food there and let them put it back, you know, dude I told you this was going to fucking happen, they're understaffed, they're understaffed on purpose, that's phase two, phase one was just to have like five or six

fucking registers and give you three others so all the fucking sheep look over the curiosity factor what's going on and then you had the other cashiers over there teaching them how to fucking use it, now they've gotten beyond that, now they're going into phase two, okay phase two of the experiment, what happens if there's no, if there are no cashier people how will the herd handle this, when should we do it, well we can't do it during the day there's fucking old people in their little motor cars riding around, let's do it later on at night, let's see how the drunk crowd handles it, even if they don't like it they won't fucking remember at the very least they won't send any angry letters, I'm telling

you this is how the whole fucking thing is going to go and somebody actually asked me in this week asked me they were curious as to what I thought about ATMs, yeah I'm not against technology is if it makes my life like easier, like ATMs at banks before I don't know if you guys remember the ship but back in the day when there was no ATMs, you know Friday five o'clock if you didn't grab the cash you needed for the weekend you were fucked, you couldn't get to your, oh I see they would be open for like twenty minutes on a Saturday but yeah that would just be that expression, the guys working banker hours, used to be open like nine to five you can never even get your fucking money out so what I like about

the ATM is at least I have access to my money, I don't mind that and a lot of times it is easier to just throw it in there so I don't give a fuck, you know that one doesn't bug me and I understand that technology does replace some jobs, the reason why I can't stand this latest brand of automated shit is it's not an advancement, it doesn't make it easier I just go up and do exactly what the cashier did and the bag person did except I'm doing it for free, now if I walked up to the cashier machine, the automated thing and magically the fucking thing figured out what I owed and suddenly it was all in a bag I wouldn't give a shit, alright, I don't know people just hear what they want to hear like do you

make one comment about something this guy doing like technology he's against penicillin, no I'm not, I'm not against advancements I'm against fuckovers and those automated things in the grocery store and at the parking garage the automated park are fuckovers it doesn't make it quicker it actually makes it longer in a lot of instances and I'm just working for free, I'm working for free and I don't fucking like it okay and that's the last time I'm fucking explaining it and I don't need any douchebags, when did they ring up my oranges the other day and it was quicker you're a moron just fucking work for free, alright here we go, what are we going on to, somebody sent me an email said hey Bill I just want

to thank you, thanks a bunch for teaching me about tinnitus that's that ringing in the ear stuff I was talking about, I just turned 21 I had that shit as long as I can remember didn't know what it was I thought it was just me, for anyone that has the problem and not sure what to do when I was younger I used to, I left the TV on that was a bad idea after that I played mostly chill music in my music collection and a 7 minute album or something like that now I just sort of put a fan on low speed and it keeps the ringing away for those of you who don't have tinnitus what he's saying is you put some sort of quieter noise in the background that drowns out the ringing in your ear and actually do what you

really should do is go see a doctor is what you're supposed to do and I don't know that's I think the cases of tinnitus is going to go way up just because of like iPods and when you go to clubs how loud they play that fucking music actually you know I actually bring earplugs everywhere I go because I have such fucked up ears at least I try to remember but basically how it works is anything up to about 60 or 65 decibels you're pretty much cool and you can listen your ear can handle like right around 60 decibels that's a that's like how I'm talking right now regular conversation and you don't do any damage to your ears your ears can listen to it for you know all day and you don't do any damage but what happens

I forget how the math works but every time you move up 10 decibels like 60 to 70 the time frame that your ears can listen to that level of noise without doing permanent damage goes down really quickly and I know somewhere when you start getting around 80 that starts getting dangerous and anything above 90 I mean I think like 90 listening to something at 90 minutes don't quote me on this I forget I used to have this chart and all this shit I tried to find on the internet but I couldn't but anything around 90 decibels after like 15 minutes and you can easily with an iPod go up to about a buck 10 15 minutes listening to music you do permanent damage to your hearing and I know that sounds fucked up it's just

incremental and you can't tell I forget I read all this shit there's little hairs in there and when you blow it out you the things get knocked down and then they slowly stand back up again and after a while they just don't get back up again you just fucking like a box or they just lay in there and you go into clubs man they have they have those that fucking music up to like a buck 15 a buck 20 if you notice the bouncers who work there always have earplugs for the most part I don't know I suffer from tonight is you don't want it it's horrific but if you have it you should definitely go see a doctor and I would always have earplugs on you just in case you know you hang out check out this bar and you go

in there and I don't know why they play the music that fucking loud I can tell if I guess if there's a DJ in this dancer but I when you just walk into a bar and you have a couple beers and you got a scream I can't fucking stand that I don't know maybe cuz I'm maybe cuz I'm old who knows alright let's move on to the next section yeah I'm just I'm just reading shit this week alright I don't know why I forget what this is but this section is named the accidental racist alright hey Bill I just downloaded a bunch of your uninformed shows on mini mini nova and just began listening to the first one a show from February 10th 2007 I stopped at three minutes in to write you to thank you for delivering already the

accidental racism to the Asian guy oh that's why this name this in the elevator story it kind of reminded me of a semi-funny thing that happened to me alright just to get you guys caught up I was going up in the elevator at the old XM building evidently on February 10th 2007 and it was me and Joe de Rosa who do the show and there was this Asian guy in the elevator and I can't remember what but he seemed confused and he was I sometimes I didn't know what floor he was on somehow I made the assumption that he was delivering food and I conveyed that to him and I was yes that's I'm like oh what are you delivering food and he just put his head down and he goes I work here and I felt like such a fucking

asshole but he just look he looked disheveled and he was dressed down we did the show on a Saturday so he wasn't dressed like he was going to work it was just one of those things if I could find the guy I would apologize to him but you know what I mean there are a lot of Asian guys delivering food in in New York you know so and they're always going up elevators and they always have that look alike what the fucking floor am I going to I don't know the guy I don't know I don't have maybe got an argument with his girlfriend it's how I read it so anyways I felt like an asshole and I apologize for some reason he's listening to this podcast be funny if he actually was a listener of my podcast and didn't realize

that was me and now realizes it's me and now I've lost another listener anyway so this guy I guess has a story just like it so he says anyways my junior year in college I was looking for a roommate because some previous people I had lined up dropped out of me in the last minute girl I was friends with put me in touch with the guy she was friends with because he was looking for a place to despite both of us having this girl as a mutual friend we never met each other we set everything up over the phone and came to turns we could both live with without ever even meeting in person thus the first time we would meet was at the place we would both be living in Jesus dude you're really taking a risk there there

are some things about me that are vital pieces of information in order for this story to make sense first of all I'm black however due to the tone and the pitch of my voice my usage of correct grammar most of the time you know dude if I said that I would really be in trouble but you can trash your own people okay so everything's good you said I was an English major but I'm not an asshole about it I promise correct grammar use correct grammar most of the time and the semi-racist nature of most people many people have told me that I sound white or could be mistaken for a white person over the phone I'm going to address that point a little bit later alright so getting back to the story when I talked to this kid

over the phone we found out we had both gone to the same high school for a year again despite that this we didn't know each other the fact that this school was mostly white combined with the the sounds of his voice I thought he was white in my mind which set up this awesome situation I figured he was guessing I was white for the same reason I was guessing he was I was really looking forward to seeing this white kid squirm when he pulled up and realized that was black of course a black kid pulled up to the house looking for me and it was my prospective roommate I remember seeing a little bit of surprise look on his face and I said to him you thought I was white didn't you and then of course my computer craps out he smiled and

admitted he did I told him that I thought he was white as well we both ended up having a great laugh about it and became pretty good friends afterwards anyways thanks for the podcast okay let me let me let me get back to that the serene racist nature of most people many of people have told me that I sound white or could be mistaken for a white person over the phone for the life of me I don't know why that is considered racist okay I don't know if you've noticed but like white people kind of talk in a certain way I mean if you watch Def Jam we just talk in one way but like you know there are there is you know if I mean if I was on here and all of a sudden I was like yo you know I'm saying do a motherfucking podcast and shit be like why is Bill trying to talk like

he's some black dude from the ghetto wouldn't you would that be racist or you know there's there's nothing wrong with what the fuck am I trying to say here if you just say somebody sounds white you're not you're not saying they're a moron right am I fucking idiot here I don't understand why saying you know over the phone yeah you sounded like a black guy or hey you sounded white over the phone is it does it go back to that correct grammar thing that the black person then assumes like oh what because I didn't say motherfucker every five seconds I know I do a brutal fucking impression but is that why it is that's actually an interesting question see is this a great fucking podcast through my my stupidity you guys learn shit unless you already know what you're rolling

your fucking eyes at that play if that's the case go fuck yourself alright and then this guy also ends this email he says what do you say here anyways thanks for the podcast they're awesome and as a New York Yankees fan I want to thank the Red Sox for keeping first place warm for us good luck with David I can't hit anymore now that steroids are banned or teas and Jason we had to trade one of the best right-handed hitters of all time for this non-threatening white guy Bay for the rest of the summer you know you got a lot of balls as a Yankee fan bringing up steroids okay half your fucking team got busted do I really need to go through the names a rod Sheffield Giambi Clemens Pettit you're a fucking two hundred million dollar team and you're on steroids okay at least our

steroid guys are fucking winning championships your bunch of cunts no I'm sorry you want it 99 and 2000 with your steroid guys you know I love how Yankee fans are talking you got a two hundred million dollar team you're barely playing six hundred baseball you know that's like having a fucking Lamborghini in your site that's going 70 miles an hour you guys should be playing like 720 ball with all those fucking guys you have and you know what the funny thing is you still don't have a bullpen so you're not going to win shit this year it's a joke you know you guys you like a super group you know why don't you just sign fucking Ted Nugent to play center field you know hey we're just a hundred and twenty two million dollar team that could

that's the best thing about Manny Ramirez going out to LA is that it knocked our payroll way the fuck down now we're down to like a hundred and twenty two million we're actually number four this year people we're behind the Yankees the Mets and who's at the Cubs of the Dodgers I can't not the Dodgers who the fuck was it maybe the Cubs I don't know who it is all I know is we're number four we're like 80 million less and this guy's all excited because they're two three games ahead of us even though you're 0 and 8 against the Red Sox and he got swept by the Angels how are we all excited because you're feasting on the Royals and the Rangers and all that shit and Jason Bay is a great fucking baseball player and he's been doing a great job for us and we've

barely missed Manny I hate to say it I love the guy and just for the record he didn't do steroids till he got to LA you know dude when did he get caught he didn't get caught when he was in Boston that whole fucking time all of a sudden he comes out to LA he starts running with the wrong crowd you know happens to the best of them when they come out here look at River Phoenix he came out here he did some roads he fucking never got up again cute little actor he was all right here we go here's another thing I don't know why I'm reading this but I'm just going to read dude I can't believe you didn't notice that she okay wait a minute wait okay here we go wait a minute all right what am I doing here all right this is this is the response one

of the responses I got from that leg sweep video last week and if you're new to my podcast there's a video up on YouTube I guess it got taken down where this this guy hits on this girl she doesn't you know she's not having it so he gives her shit she gives him the finger he calls her a bitch she throws a drink in his face and he goes up you think he's gonna blast her in the face and he just gives her a fucking leg sweep that it should have been done in Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas it was fucking tremendous all right here we go so this this woman wrote me she goes Bill I can't believe you didn't notice that she was visited with violent behavior first this is the girl in the video because I was sitting there saying I thought the video was funny

because the girl threw the drink in his face and even though you should never hit a woman I just think that's outrageous in life to think that you can throw a drink in somebody's face I just know if I did it within two seconds I would be on the ground getting fucking pummeled and I don't know there was just something funny about it so anyway she goes I can't believe you didn't notice that she was visited with violent behavior first watch it again and you'll see him violently poke at her all right first of all how fucking hilarious is that violently have you ever heard that expression in your life violently poked there's no such thing as being violently poked all right it's called stab that's you know that's fine actually my gym teacher used to violently poke me

in the chest fucking cocksucker um he didn't he gave her he gave her a little fucking poke he gave it one time to her fucking shoulder that was it he was just trying to annoy her but anyway she says by the way it's not very complimentary to a grown woman to be shown that he has a crush on her by punching her he didn't punch her he didn't punch her anyway she goes I can't believe you're not allowing her to do the only thing she can toss a drink at him since she can't beat him up do you honestly believe that her throwing the drink equals his um kick slash knock to her on the skull shame on you you bastard so I wrote her back I said I knew this would uh spark some debate I respect your point of view on it so here's mine violently poked 41 years on this planet

and I have never heard someone being violently poked um she threw the drink in his face because he called her a bitch then she goes that because she goes that's right I am a bitch and then the drink is thrown and throwing the drink in his face was not the only thing she could have done she could have walked away she could have talked to whoever was in charge at the pool she could have talked to some of the guys who were over there um by her friends they were a bunch of things she could have done but she lost her cool um and if you're gonna um define the action by the guy in the video as violently poking her then you could also address couldn't you also address the racial undertones of her giving the man the finger and stating

do you understand this in English the reason why the video is so funny is because the unexpected happened he actually treated her the same way he would have treated a man that threw a drink in his face so the reason men find the video funny I think is because the amount of times women get physical with us and there's nothing we can do except get punched slap or have a drink thrown in our face because we're never going to hit a woman and they know it I had a girl try to punch me in the face in a bar and as I'm trying as carefully as possible to defend against getting punched in the face basically I'm turning my back and covering up as this girl wailed away the bouncer comes flying over and what do you think who do you think they grabbed and tossed out

um I was in an argument with the female but so what people argue but because of the way things are she can take it to a physical level well I have to try and defend myself without getting physical with her at all only to be dragged out by the neck um you know if they tossed her out too I would have been fine with it but because she's a female she gets to throw punches have me kicked out and she gets to stay in the bar while they continue to serve her more drinks so to go back to the video um that is the world this woman is living in I'm a girl I can do this and nothing will happen I could throw a full drink in someone's face and nothing will happen well guess what something did the exact thing same thing that would have happened to me and then I go on to say

actually I would have been fucking punched repeatedly in the face and the dude's friends probably would have jumped in too and you know what the reaction from the others people at the pool would have been well you threw a drink at his face what did you think was going to happen and then I guess my excuse would have been but he poked me violently um anyways I've never hit a woman and I don't advocate it uh that guy in the video is an animal and I wouldn't want any woman I cared about to ever date him but the leg sweep the fucking leg sweep was genius and undeniably funny to me I'm just going to read you all these back and forth so then she goes you have no idea what woman have what women have to put up with all right this is where I guess I'm a moron these

guys take such personal offense when they're turned down he should have walked away I will not tolerate being touched by a stranger in that way and it is a really vulnerable feeling as a woman and makes us angry and fearful of men besides you didn't hear the things he was saying guys like that parentheses and hip-hop style clothing are the sleaziest of scumbags licking their lips nasty who's hitting on you ll cool j why don't you fucking go to a nicer place anyways uh as for the argument you had in the bar you didn't specify now she's talking to me this is classic line here she goes as for the argument you had with that woman in the bar you didn't specify what it was about what what it was about and if you are yelling in her face as you know you probably were

dot dot dot more violent behavior you see that let's stop right here this is what I love about this type of shit anytime there's a group of people bitching about this situation nine times out of ten when they're bitching they end up doing the exact same thing to the person that they're bitching at that they don't want done to them look how you assume that immediately I'm getting hit I'm not hitting her back I'm getting hit and you're blaming me I'm surprised you didn't ask me what I was wearing was I asking for it anyways you want to hear the story sweetheart this this is basically this is why this girl was punching me in the bar all right we're going back here about 10 years I'm standing up now I'm gonna tell this story my dog's looking at me what's up Cleo how you doing

you're a female you can defend yourself you're fucking psycho um this this is what happened I was in I was in a bar and I was with somebody's mind this group of girls is next to us we're hitting on them you know we're making jokes we're joking around you know you try to get women to laugh that's what the fuck you have to do women I know you don't you don't understand that because you don't have to make somebody want to fuck you okay the same way I don't know what it's like to have to carry a fucking living thing inside of me for nine months I understand we all have our advantages so whatever I'm not trying to be a douche here but this is basically it so we're trying to you know we're joking around or whatever I had a couple drinks they had a couple drinks and one

of them was dressed like she she looked like Rhoda on Mary Tyler Moore right so at one point that girl goes up and uh she goes to go to the bathroom so I say to her friend I go Jesus Christ she's a big fan of Mary Tyler Moore or what right made a joke about what she was wearing so another 20 minutes goes by those girls kind of peeled off you know we weren't really talking to him anymore we were uh well maybe we kind of were I don't know what was going on sort of that type of shit you're talking to a girl for a couple seconds then it's not working out so I went back I was talking to my friend and I guess when the girl came back from the from the bathroom her friend told her what I said so unbeknownst to me so I'm sitting there talking to my buddy

then all of a sudden I just hear this this this woman yelling hey bitch hey bitch right so I look over and she's looking at me she's going hey bitch and I'm and I'm I'm trying to process because I you know typical me I said some shit I didn't remember what the fuck I said and then she goes you know you're gonna talk shit about me when I'm not around and then I then I kind of was right as I'm putting together then she stood up and she fucking put her hand over you ever see like a you ever see like a center in the NBA how they fight how they can't throw they fucking throw punches like that they're trying to fucking throw somebody out at second base that's what she did she winds up and she's about ready to come down on the top of my head so you know because she wound

up I mean if she fucking threw a jab she would have fucking blasted me right in the face and I gotta admit that would have been fucking hilarious but because she went up and over I was able to get my arm up in time and I saw it I sort of like caught her wrist so now instantly I recognize the situation I'm like oh fuck okay this girl is not gonna stop and I don't want to get hit in the face I can't squeeze her wrist too hard all this shit's going through my head and I know even though I can't see it I know the bounces are on their way over and I know what the fuck's gonna happen so all I'm doing is holding her wrist as she's fucking clawing at my side I'm sort of turned to the side and of course my buddies aren't doing anything this sort of just looking at this point

because it happens so fast and I'm going whoa whoa I was going hey hey hey I can't even remember what I was saying I was just this just too much shit was going on I couldn't I couldn't formulate anything to say to get this girl to stop but she just kept fucking bitch you fucking bitch it was like punching me in the side and then the fucking bounces come over and they fucking grab me of course because I'm the guy I just blew my mind I I'm fucking I almost have my back turned to this girl with my hand up and she's wailing away and they they immediately go to me and I get fucking tossed out you know so let me ask you this in her world was she justified for taking it to a physical level because I fucking made fun of her outfit

you know that's was my point about that video I don't think that you should hit a woman the reality of that video that I that I watched there on youtube is that they're both assholes and they're both stubborn and what happened there is what you saw when you get two stubborn people who want to get the last word in okay he hits on her she tells him to go fuck himself not saying she literally said that but she basically says no so he couldn't handle it so he probably he starts it I'm gonna I'll go I'll give you that he starts it okay and he wants to get the last word in so she can't let him right he should have walked away but he didn't that's you know right in the beginning he didn't so he gives her shit then she should have walked away realized he was

a psycho she doesn't she fucking gives him the finger then he should have walked away but he doesn't he pokes her she should have walked away then but she doesn't she fucking throws a drink at his face he should have fucking walked away he doesn't he fucking goes up and he leg sweeps her it's just one of those deals two fucking assholes who probably should be breeding and make a little fucking asshole kid and then we'll have another dog the bounty hunter huh you see how that math works out so anyways um I you know I don't know sometimes I feel like I'm saying shit and people don't get what the fuck I'm talking about I'm not saying that you should go around hitting a woman I'm just saying you know guys should never hit women but women shouldn't take advantage of that by doing

outrageous shit like throwing a drink in somebody's face that is fucking outrageous behavior and be honest as a female if another female walked up to you and threw a drink in your face what would you do huh what would you do would you just go oh that was mature do you feel better about yourself is sprite is dripping down the fucking your bangs whatever fucking you got that Rachel bob haircut from friends huh look at me look at me with that fucking chick reference um whatever oh that gives a fuck anyways all right here's here's some videos so I actually was I nominated that video for a video of the year and uh so people sent me some other videos and I'm really upset at myself because somebody sent me a great video of these two bullies attacking this

guy with his girlfriend and his the guy's girlfriend jumps in and she fucking blasts this guy in the face in the end it's a fucking awesome video um so I really need that video so I can balance it out so you know so I don't just have videos of guys knocking women down because uh that's not what I'm trying to do here you know what I mean this is supposed to be a fun thing for everybody and uh all right so here you go here's some nominees uh somebody uh ONA fans said Ace Freely was in uh was on the show this week celebrating Jim Norton's birthday um and he recommended a video called Winnebago man I watched it it's fucking hilarious um google how to spell Winnebago I'm just gonna tell you what the name of the videos are uh there's another one uh guy with gun confronts skateboarder

and there's another one that says uh this is the last one and I deliberately put this one last because this is more in the vein of last week's video it says guy gets revenge on girlfriend for headache this one's really more silly and I'm actually jealous of like how perfectly this guy's prank works out it's just it's it really is a work of art and uh most females won't like it but it's you know no one gets hurt in this one okay nobody's head hits concrete um yeah that's it okay and if you're sick of those kinds of videos there's one on there of a little fucking golden retriever puppy howling all right go google that one okay that'll make you fucking smile all right I'm gonna have to wind this Jesus Christ 47 fucking minutes all right let me wind this up real quick we're talking

about grenades again people the subject that just won't die uh anyways uh bill I missed the last couple of podcasts this is from a marine so we can all hang out here right 47 minutes in let's support the troops and listen to the last few minutes of the podcast here I missed the last few podcasts but there was um there was a lot about the military you seem to be interested in the military but and I was a marine for four years and did my tour in the sandbox parentheses iraq go on wikipedia and type in operation phantom fury those are my credentials that kid you talked about on 629 was kind of a joke I can tell by what he says so he's basically saying the other other other military person who gave me my grenade information is uh you know I guess working in a

mess hall look at me trying to start some shit look at me huh hey guy from uh June 29th you're gonna take that shit he's saying you don't know about grenades so anyways he says frag grenades have a kill radius of five meters uh casualty is 15 meters casualty I guess that's you know shrapnel okay marines define definitely use frags when necessary they use flashbangs when doing raids if you're using a flashbang and entering a room and you shoot blindly everywhere it is totally contra it's a total contradiction to what you're doing in the first place trying not to kill everyone in the room if there's bad guys in there you frag the fucks I guess that you throw the grenade in there and if you throw in one you might as well throw in five grenades aren't that lethal well

they are but it just kind of depends two guys in another company toss grenades into the into a house from different directions only to have the grenades roll across the house cross paths and in front of the other marine respectively Jesus Christ I think I saw this on the three stooges uh they both dove away only and only received uh minor shrapnel to the legs uh more of something to laugh about more than anything all right so there's your grenade information here we go with earplugs getting back to the tonight is shit um went in some nasty shit basically when you're in battle you have one ear plug in and one out uh due to the sound resistance created by plugs it only allows you to hear a certain range of noise

take one out and it allows you to hear the larger range of noise even after you can barely hear out of one ear dude that's fucking insane that's what I did and it always worked so basically you sacrifice one ear did you switch off every other battle you know or did you just say fuck my left ear um I guess you need to do that because what if you have the ear plugs in and somebody sneaking up behind you good god thank god thank god I didn't have to do that god bless you anyways machine gun next to an unprotected ear isn't that bad at all loud is explosions loud is airstrikes loud is rockets loud is standing next to a tank in an alley and not having an ear plugs the concussion reverberates and ricochets along the walls

and the of the buildings um I know because it happened to me when and my ears started to leak clear fluid presumably presumably from perforated eardrums the sound was beyond sound that's one of the greatest sentences I've ever read as far as like fucking description the sound was beyond sound it was an impact it felt like I was hit with a two by four across my entire body all at once my face and my balls hurt Jesus Christ that's from sound I guess I don't fucking know just shut up and read it Bill all right um I had my I had my wind knocked out basically I was I was almost even with the barrel of them of the main tank gun and the fucking tankers fucking guys in the tank never gave us a signal that they were gonna shoot um that's what a concussive uh

concussion blast feels like and it gets worse the closer you get and the bigger the explosion is throwing some shrapnel and you get the idea Jesus Christ dude this is better than the fucking history channel I'm really enjoying this all right um and you talked about the stress of battle there was one dude who was about to get out of an AAV big armored vehicle and he went blind I guess he's saying from the stress and he writes just went blind he regained his sight a few days later but right before he got out he literally had to turn around and say uh I can't fucking see Jesus Christ um as for a funny story oh you know what that reminds me of you guys seen that movie uh what the fuck was it I was gonna tell you to watch that last week it was it was an animated

movie about war the fuck was it called I just rented it walls with walls with brishear you guys see that I def I highly recommend that that's about a guy who went to war and when he came back he couldn't fucking remember anything so then he goes around and he talks to his former army buddies you know that's the whole hook a guy who can't remember goes around and talks to those who can't forget it's pretty fucking pretty fucking amazing so anyways let me continue here um and as far as for a funny story um in war the stories are all fucked up it's all fucked up humor when you're over there like really sadistic fucked up shit even the nicest evangelistic person or a Mormon uh will have the same humor over there personally I found it hilarious when

insurgents were so drugged up they would literally step out of an alley in front of a tank about 50 feet away and just start shooting an ak-47 at the thing the machine gun on the tank would slowly point towards the dude and just shred him that's funny when you're over there wow this is like time life books presents the iraq war as it's going on so let me ask you this you're saying the dude so like hopped up on drugs like are a lot of the insurgents over there on drugs and why are they on drugs because they're scared from the stress of the battle I mean I can't I can't imagine that anyways probably the best story that normal uh people can relate to was when we first took over a centrally located compound within the city of Fallujah uh referred to above is Operation

Phantom Fury dude you were in Fallujah holy shit all right this is a great story by the way so hang in there guys I know this is long um this was the third day of the assault on the city obviously after three days a bunch of dudes um are gonna have to take a shit at some point so we had to dig some trenches the trenches were in the middle of a large courtyard about the size of a football field and instead of just standing over the trench like a dog and squatting to shit we knew we had to find something to assist us when we dropped guts good lord okay I mean fuck it we're gonna have to if we're gonna get popped while taking a shit we better be comfortable we started searching around and inside some of the side buildings we found some chairs and some wooden boxes we cut holes in them

and positioned them over the trenches um the area wasn't uh what the military would deem as uh would not consider secure at the time but after eating the instant dehydrated shit meals called MREs which constipate you uh you having constant op operations for three days we hadn't had a satisfying shit for three days after the new shitters were set up guys were a little apprehensives to go out there as there were still rpgs mortars and gunfires directed towards our compound you have to understand that marines and the marine corps all right this is this is kind of this is him saying this shit not me you have to understand that the marines and the marine corps alike are retarded many individuals are very actually are very intelligent within the marines but the marine

corps just makes you into a retard and therefore the policies within the marine corps are retarded as well the only thing the marine corps doesn't fuck up is combat this retardation is why most people reenlist less with the marine corps than any other branch well you have to expand on that so anyway so being the retarded marines we were we said fuck it a bunch of us strolled out and took off our kevlar's our helmets and flax bulletproof vests as well as our blouses shirts within two minutes there were 10 or 12 marines sitting in the middle of a uh middle of this field bears bones courtyard the size of a football field with only t-shirts and trousers at the ankles smoking butts chewing dip joking around like we had a fucking applebees while there were explosions

and gunfire going off 150 meters away jesus christ it was robert duvall uh fucking surfing in the background actually he didn't surf he was on the beach anyways um as we were sitting there a few civilian reporters poked their heads out of the compound and went back in they were looking to see in the proverbial coast to see if the proverbial coast was clear to the armored vehicle they were using for transport so basically there was a bunch of reporters poking their heads out trying to get over to their fucking armored transport mind you this was the typical type of vehicle with the type of armor that our unit couldn't get at the time because ours kept getting fucked up and it was too much of a monetary drain to give us the proper protection because our vehicles will get

blown up every couple of weeks sorry I'm paraphrasing because this is really fucking long these business these people had no business being there and they knew it this was evidenced by the fact that they continue to poke their heads out of doorways several more times apparently they got their courage up because all at once the group of about 10 people who look like my seventh grade gym class started making their way to the armored armored vehicle in their gay little blue helmets and vests that read press in big bold white letters they were visibly nervous jogging mechanically and looking spastically in every direction as if they would somehow be able to change their fate if an insurgent decided to lean out a window and open fire at them as they jogged along we sat

there half naked from the bottom down and stared at them in utter amusement after a few seconds of silence someone's shitting next to me screamed incoming it was like a kick to the fucking nuts something snapped the reporters absolutely lost their shit it was one of the most beautiful examples of Darwinism in action that I've ever witnessed the strongest and fastest males threw themselves into the truck first not far behind where they're smaller males they were then followed by the most attractive females who were pulled almost instantly into the into the truck in last where the wingman wingman grenades helped in only by their their own large legs don't get that last sentence after they realized that they were actually there was no actually incoming really

butchering this sorry I'm seeing double at this point after they realized that there actually was no incoming they slowly sheepishly turned to look over at us as we were sitting there with their balls flapping in the wind dirty as fuck while pushing out three days worth of compacted tar and having no business being happy in any way whatsoever but we were absolutely all dying with laughter we continued laughing as they drove by and we sat there smiling and waving at them wildly like what people do when a cruise ship leaves port they stared at us in complete bewilderment and just simply started shaking their heads in a way a parent does when a small child gets a pair of new clothes covered in spaghetti and meat sauce but we weren't kids and we definitely weren't dirty

from eating spaghetti fucking classic dude that's a great story and I apologize for butchering that thing I suck at reading out loud anyways this podcast has to be over a fucking hour at this point yeah it just turned an hour all right this has been a really long podcast with a lot of information um this has been the encyclopedia britannica version of the monday morning podcast you guys all have a good week I hope you enjoyed the stories forgive me for my awful reading and uh oh let me hype a couple of gigs I got coming up I'm going to be at Providence at the comedy connection in Providence Rhode Island in august and the next week I will be at the punchline in Atlanta Georgia and after that the final day august 29th I'm going to be in Stockholm Sweden

so uh who the fuck's going to go to that nobody from Sweden listens to this shit so that's it that's the monday morning podcast you want if you want to know the exact dates please go to my website it's bill at bill burr.com b urr and please sign up for my mailing list on that um because I'm really starting to lose um my faith in my space there's just nobody left on there like nobody fucking emails me anymore so um and I don't want to join facebook and I don't want to tweet so I think I'm just going to basically maybe phase out my myspace page and I'm going to uh just start doing shit on my uh my website mainly that's the plan all right you guys all have a great week

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