Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-28-16

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

Bill rambles about playing drums at The Roxy, Headbangers Ball and John Hinkley.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and- I'm just checking in on ya. What's going on? How are ya? How's things in your world?

It's almost Friday. Ah, today's payday, right? Are you going to get that fucking checked? That fucking douche is going to come by with his gold-toed socks, right? Poke his head in your cubicle, lay that fucking envelope down, right? And he's going to be talking to you and you're not going to hear him. You're just going to be sitting there smiling. Maybe it's a lady.

Maybe it's a woman. Maybe she's coming along with her sensible shoes, you know? She doesn't have a heel on it, right? She's taking it back, you know? Tell me what to do with my body. How come guys don't have to walk around in high heels? Why do women have to ruin their feet and their fucking lower backs, you know? That's like one of those fucking stories that like, with this stupid ass fucking election

would actually become like a national story. Some dumb shit like that. You know, complete fucking clickbait horseshit who gives a fuck, you know? I don't know. I don't know how people sit down and watch these conventions. My entire life, I've never been able to get through one. They are so fucking cringe-worthy. It's so phony.

It's so fake. The fucking smiles, those maniacal, like just totally in your head, you know? The candidates at this point, they have to be completely fucking exhausted. They don't want to answer any more fucking questions. And they still have like another 90 days of this shit that they have to go through, you know? You know, like when a team goes through the Super Bowl, right? And you got the two weeks right before and they just fucking sit there all fucking.

The reporters run out of questions and they just sit in there. That's two weeks of that shit and those players, they go nuts just doing that. This fucking cobalt of a guy. Fuck am I yawning for? It's only 8.30 at night. They fucking comb over dude in the clam there. They just keep answering the same fucking questions. It's got to be easier for Trump.

You know what I mean? He just has to just make up some shit. Listening to Trump give his speech is no different than fucking listening to me do this podcast. He might as well just be laying there in his fucking underwear, his fucking boxes and just talking to the American people. Just whatever the fuck. He's thinking he just says it and then like fucking, you know, whatever, 20 minutes later, somebody corrects him on Twitter.

That happens to me all the time. Every time I put out a podcast, somebody goes, Hey man, not trying to be a dick, but just let you know, you know, you know, the George Bush thing. I thought they were just making fun of George Bush dancing. I didn't know he was doing it at the fucking, you know, the police officers, funerals, memorial service, you know, I thought Lewis Hamilton was the upstart driver. They're like, no, it's actually Nico Rosberg. Just every fucking week I do that, but I'm just some shithead.

I'm not actually running for office. Oh, you're not, Bill. Thank you for bringing that up. We didn't fucking realize it. So anyways, you truly are a fucking patriot if you could sit through those things, especially this election, because I can't fucking do it. I can't, oh my God, Rudy Giuliani, how many fucking was going off? Jesus Christ.

What the fuck was he? What was going on with him? I love how his voice kept going up like he thought the crowd was going to go with him and they didn't really, they kept clapping, but he kept increasing his energy and his passion and nothing happened. At least when Howard Dean got going crazy, when he did that thing, he was reacting to the energy. At least he was fucking connected to those people.

Rudy, I don't know what he was doing. Yeah, I'll tell you, the worst fucking image you could ever picture is Rudy Giuliani banging Hillary Clinton. I mean, just imagine that with his fucking, that look on his face when he was screaming about the cops and then Hillary, when she fucking does that smile where her eyes get all wide. All right, I'm going to ruin your fucking day. Picture her bent over with the fucking eyes all wide and that crazy smile and hid behind

like, I just fucking banging away. There you go. That's on your fucking hard drive now. You can never erase that. Oh shit, look at me. It's just another one for the MMP fucking Photoshop right there. I look for that one tomorrow on fucking, I guess today, if you listen to it tomorrow for me on the old fucking Twitter, Twitter sphere.

Had such a great time this week, you know, not having to go in the fucking writer's room has been awesome, uh, getting caught up in all the shit, you know, around the house and all that type of stuff. It's just, it's just a fucking, only being a comedian is the greatest fucking job. It's the greatest fucking job you could ever fucking have. Just go on stage, act like a fucking idiot, and then afterwards hang out with a bunch of comics and then you go home, then you wait 24 hours, do it all over again, apologize for the yawn, and all of a sudden, um, you know, I don't know, there's just something

about listening to you, to my voice that just puts me to sleep. That's how I go to sleep every night, you know, that I just start talking out loud, you know, I'm saying it in the rain, just saying 20 minutes later, I'm asleep. Um, anyway, so Monday night, as I mentioned last week, I did, uh, I was gonna be doing the goddamn comedy jam, and, uh, I busted out the old fucking John Bonham get up, and, uh, for the first time ever, I played my Ludwig 71 green sparkle fucking kit. I had my, my drum teacher swung by the house, he tuned the fucking things up, so they sounded great.

I'm like, I don't know how they're gonna sound in the room. The fucking two year anniversary of Josh Adamir's show, the goddamn comedy jam, uh, which has now become a fucking pilot on Comedy Central, the show is just blowing up, so happy for all those guys. Um, they had it at the Roxy, down on Sunset Strip. Now, you gotta understand, I am a, I came of age in the fucking 80s, uh, meaning I didn't get laid till the 90s, um, anyway, yeah, it was a rough one for me, right? But basically, um, the fucking, uh, just the bands that were going on, that were, you

know, the Sunset Strip was total, the fucking hair metal, you know, the beginning of the metal with fucking, uh, Randy Rhodes, you know, when he joined Ozzy and all, all those fucking guys, and then it went into the hair metal, and then guns and roses pulled it out in the end, and then fucking, uh, who came warrant and all those guys, all of that shit went on the Sunset Strip out here in fucking LA, and I used to always read about the whiskey, the Roxy, the rainbow room, you know, back when I used to read Hit fuckin' Parada, anybody used to read Hit Parada magazine, I fucking loved that magazine, you know, they used to put all the curse words in there and everything, I would, you know what, I would actually buy

one of those off of fucking eBay, just to read it, just to see, I've already read about all of those fucking bands, I knew everybody's name, I knew the names of every fucking drummer, I used to watch all the videos, I used to watch the Headbangers Ball, Randy Rockman, I used to watch the Top 10 Countdown that was hilarious, it was either like Janet Jackson or some hair metal, I used to think Janet Jackson was, was, was like fucking pussy music, but these guys who were wearing lipstick and had their hair all teased up like some desperate soccer mom trying to fall in the last dick of her life, I thought that that was fucking guy music, you know, Britney Fox, I've always brought that up to girl school, all that shit,

you know, poison every rose has its thorn, all of that shit, right, I got into, I was into all of that, then I started working in a warehouse and I worked with these fucking burnouts that were, they weren't burnouts, they smoked weed, but in my world that meant you were fucking burned out back then, you know, because back then that was considered bad, if you smoked weed, it was illegal, we didn't realize that, oh, it actually helped with your fucking memory, back then we thought that, not your memory, it helps with Alzheimer's, whatever the fuck they're claiming, who knows, you know, the whole fucking weed thing is, it's, it's like the global warming battle, I just think it's going to go back and forth

and back and forth, and then eventually booze bags like myself will finally give and be like, alright, alright, you guys were right about the weed, kind of way people, all the corporations finally went like, oh, you know what, yeah, global warming is happening and it is because of us, but hey, it's too late to fix it now. So I started working with these guys and they played in a band and like, I came from more of a jock town, right, everybody just fucking played sports, or you just, you know, I don't know, stood in the corner on a fucking wall during a party, you know, it was basically it, those were your only two options, the town I was in, and these kids were from a couple towns over and everybody over there played instruments,

and these guys came, I worked with them, they were playing guitar and they were playing the shit that was on the radio, and I didn't, I didn't, they were all my age, I was like, you can fucking get that good, that's amazing, and that's right then when I bought my first drum kit, I brought out, I was 20 years old when I started playing fucking drums, I haven't done everything late in life, I was always fucking, I had day late and a fucking dollar short, right, and I had this, I bought a five-piece slingolin kit at the time, it was, I bought it in 1988, I think, and it was like 10 years old, it was all bonnum sizes, but it was more like the five-ply ones, it wasn't the three-ply shell, so it was, they were already starting to fucking make them

too heavy, but it was black and it had, oh god, I can't remember the fucking sizes, it was, it had an 18-inch floor tom, a 24-inch kick, and then what the fuck was the rack, I think it was like a 13, it was really weird sizes, and then later I ended up, I went down to Al Druze's shop in Woonsocket, Rhode Island, I believe that's where it was, and I found a 16-inch floor tom, which was fucking unbelievable, that matched my kit, even the badges said Niles Chicago, Niles Illinois, sorry, and, you know, there was no fucking eBay back then, there's no way to track down all of this shit that people had lying around the house, I just went into that place, they had all these old drums and they happened to have that, and I fucking bought that thing,

I was nine by 13, 10 by 14, 13, 14, and 18, and a 24 kick, so then I got the 16-inch, so now I had a six-piece kit, which I thought was the shit, and then I got some Roto Tom's, put them on the other side of the hi-hat, because I was watching Alex Van Halen, because it was all about having the biggest fucking kit she could possibly have, and then along came Guns N' Roses and a guy named Steven Adler, and he showed up with a little four-piece kit, right, rack tom, floor tom, and his fucking ride, sitting in between the two, which was just, it was the shit, and he got more music out of that than half these fucking guys with double bass drum kicks, fucking two toms above each bass drum and two floor toms, right, and that just completely

changed my life, so long story short, I used to always read up on all that, I tried to do all, I tried to figure out how to spin the sticks, all of that shit, and back in the day, all you could do was watch MTV and try to figure the shit out, or you just listen to the records, and we had it even better than the kids in the 70s, because there was no fucking MTV, maybe you caught them on, I don't know, Dick Clark fucking showed us some shit, so, but all you used to ever hear about was, you know, if you wanted to fucking make it in rock music back then, you had to be down there, so here we are fucking almost, Jesus Christ, 30 years later, I finally get to fucking go down there on a Monday night, and I got to play drums at the Roxy, it was fucking incredible,

and I sucked when we practiced, like on Thursday, I sucked on Sunday, and then during sound check, I was only okay, and I was like, God damn it, I had all these friends coming down, I go, why didn't you fucking know, because you know, I hadn't played, and played since March, and I'm a comedian, so I already sucked even when I was playing, and so I went out, did my set, dressed as fucking bottom, and I sat down behind the kit, and I don't know what happened, I just took a, I don't know, just kind of, fuck it, right, and I ended up playing, for me, I played great, I had the most fun, I was the loosest that I've ever been, and it was fucking hilarious, I'm playing the song, and Dave Kushner, who does the music for F is for Family, and also was in Velvet Revolver,

he was playing the song too, and he always, you know, fucks around and shit, makes me laugh, so I had this stupid fake mustache glued to my upper lip, and he was making me laugh, and I knew I couldn't smile, it was gonna come off, so then half of it was fucking flapping, he started laughing, and then the thing literally floated off my face, and we were only halfway through the first song, and then I had this stupid bandana around the fucking John Bonham wig, that thing came off, then the hair was in my face, I looked like the chick from the ring, and my sunglasses started fogging up, so it's funny, I was on a green sparkle kit, dressed as John Bonham, and we were playing AC DC, none of it made sense, so of course it was,

you know, working, because, you know, we just fucking around, so then we did Highway to Hell, and in the end, that was the encore, we did Highway to Hell, and then everybody, we're bringing everybody out, Brooke Kreischer, who fucking destroyed, he opened, he did Red Hot Chili Peppers, Give It Away Now, and not only did he come out just wearing the sock, he talked everybody in the band into doing that, I was not out there for that, and then Margaret Cho went up, she fucking killed it, Harlan Williams saying Eyes Without a Face, he fucking killed it, and then Ron White went up and sang Leonard Skinner, Give Me Three Steps, I hope somebody took some video with this shit, so I had to follow all of that, and fortunately that was a great crowd, and so anyway,

so in the end, they brought everybody out to sing Highway to Hell, and they kept me on drums, by then my hair's, that wig is in the face, I can't see through the fucking sunglasses, and in the end, they just wanted me to keep doing like the symbol wash thing, as they introduced everybody, you know, another round of applause for everybody, and I forgot, and I couldn't see, so I kind of stopped playing, and I kept hearing the guitars, it was a cluster fuck, but it was hilarious, and I want to thank everybody that came out, and I have to tell you, that's the best sounding fucking drum kit I've ever played in my life, 26 inch bass drum, and the way my teacher tuned it up, and the way they mic'd it up, it sounded fucking unbelievable, and what I love

was everyone in the band was saying how great the fucking kit sounded, and I don't know, I have to figure out, I swear to God, I have to figure out a place where I can just set that fucking thing up, that's what sucks about having a fucking, there's no place to play when you play drums, you have a fucking guitar, you can turn down your amp, there's no way to do it, and you know, as fun as those electronic kits are, I know I'm just talking drums on this, but who gives a shit, I barely ever talk this much about drums, they got these drums, like if you live in an apartment, right, the way you go, if you still want to play, is you buy a set of V drums, all right, those are the best electronic drums as far as I'm concerned that are out there, you buy that

mid-level one, so it's not that much money, there's always ones used on eBay, and then what I used to do was I would put foam down on the floor, then just build a little 2x4s and some plywood, just build a little drum riser, okay, put carpet on that, foam and then another layer of carpet, okay, and then you put the drums on top of that, and then what you do is you go downstairs, and you meet your neighbor, you tell them, hey, I play drums, I'll only play during, this is what I used to do, I say, stand up, I work nights, all right, I'll play during the day, only Monday through Friday if I'm gonna play, I play during the day, if for whatever reason, if you're ever home during those times, here's my phone number, just call this number, and I will

immediately stop, I mean that's the best you can fucking do, I told this story before, then the guy ended up being a cunt, you know, one time, out of the 5,000 times I played, he ended up being home sick or some shit, or he had a vacation, and he called up, all right, I pick up the phone, I'm like, hello, and he just goes, can you knock it off, like right out of the fucking gate, and I was like, all right, geez, I was younger then, now I would have been like, dude, hey, you don't fucking say that, like you said it to me 50 fucking times, you cunt, I gave you my number, I couldn't be any nicer, all right, I'm gonna stop, but go fuck yourself, and please call me again if I bug you, and I would have laughed at him, and I would

have left it at that, but anyways, the reality is, is you're not playing drums if you're on an electronic kit, I can't explain it, it's weird, because if you're playing electric guitar, you're really playing guitar, but there's just something about those electronic drums, I don't know, I think most drummers would agree with me, there's something, you play, you sit down on electronic drums, and you're like, how have I not fucking toured the world, is one of the greatest drummers of all time, this sounds, I sound incredible on this fucking thing, and then what happens is, then you sit down, behind a real kit, and you actually have to make the sound happen, rather than just fucking hitting somewhere on the pad, and getting a nice snare sound or

fucking bass drum, then all of a sudden you get on a real kit, you're like, oh, that's right, that's right, I'm not one of the greatest drummers of all time, it's the exact opposite, I'm one of the worst fucking drummers that ever fucking lived, this is an embarrassment, I should be on an electronic kit, because at least those you can turn down, so anyways, I can't stop thinking how fucking unbelievable those fucking drums sounded, oh dude, they sounded so fucking good, in between we played, if you want blood, and then when they were bringing everybody out, I was just, I still had to keep playing them, they sounded so fucking good, beginning beat to end my time of dying,

they just found it, oh they sounded fucking amazing, oh it's killing me, I swear to god, I swear to god, why the fuck did I build a gym out of my, well because I didn't want to be a fat fuck, that would be hilarious if I built a drum room instead, and I put those things out there, nobody could hear it, and then I didn't work out and I got fat, and I started looking, you ever see those awful pictures of John Bonham when he had the fucking wife beater on, Jesus Christ, dude he's like 27 years old back then, people just looked so fucking old, I don't know what was going on back in the day, they just showed that fucking lunatic, that fucking lunatic, John Hinckley, who shot Ronald Reagan, shot Brady in the head,

totally altered that guy's life, quality of life, forget how many fucking people he shot, they just let that guy out, and oh by the way he was obsessed with Jody Foster because he kept watching her in taxi, and yeah I think she was like 13 years old in that fucking thing, yeah let's let that guy out, that's a good thing to do, Jesus fucking Christ, the guy who's been in there for 35 fucking years, what's he gonna do, is he gonna go work at one of those yogurt shops, I mean what exactly is, the guy has no fucking resume, you know, do you imagine that guy's fucking resume, what it must be like, just be like all right, Mr. Hinckley, let's see here, and see he was 25

when he got arrested, 1980-81, let's see, so let's just say, let's say he was a go-getter, he got his first job at 16, so he would have had nine years on his resume, that takes us back to about, about 1972, let's see in 1972 he had a job, stocked shelves in a grocery store, he did that for a couple of years, and you got a job at a bowling alley, it's gonna be all 70 shit, right, and then you shot the president, all right, and then there's a, what's that, 35-year gap, okay, shot the president in 1981, and now you want to work here at Staples, tell you what, we're gonna put this in the bin, I'm gonna have my manager look at it, I want to thank you for coming in, and no, no, no, no, there's no reason to contact us,

we'll, we'll get back to you as soon as we can, I don't understand that, this is what I think they should do, they should fucking transfer Hinckley to wherever the fuck John Charlie Manson is, all right, then you stick them in side-by-side cells, and then they just host a reality show, you know, neither one of them has seen the outside world for roughly the same time, whatever, Charlie Manson's got like 10, 12 years on him, but at that point, once you're up to 35 fucking years, you know, oh, I've been in for 47 years, it doesn't fucking make a difference, all right, you just haven't just fucking talked locally, locally, you know, just haven't talked about just, you know, random shit, you just show them a video, give them a little glimpse of the

outside world, hey, Charlie Manson, what'd you think about Lady Gaga's meat dress, you know, or whatever the fuck's going on in the world, I don't know, all right, that's a bad idea, or is it, is that a good reality show? We've taken some of the most infamous criminals of the past 50 years, stuck them all in a circle of cells, and your eyes won't believe what happens next, you know, what's funny is I could probably get to at least the second level of pitching that show, strong interest before the whole thing fell apart, and they realized like, well, wait a minute, how the fuck are we going to get transferred this guy to the other prison, ah, the overhead's too high, you know, all right, there's always a moment with every podcast where it goes off the fucking

rails, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's this moment right here, this is the moment right now where I wonder what the fuck am I going to talk about next, do that guy's 60 fucking years old now, he spent from 25 to 60 years old in a fucking nut house, and they're gonna, they're gonna let him out now, what fucking job is a 60 year old, yeah, you got any computer skills, he's sitting there, what are those, you mean those giant things from the $6 million man, no, no, they're like, they weigh like fucking three pounds now, you know, he probably thinks it's a plastic book, um, I don't know what they said, they're gonna fucking try to monitor this guy, what the fuck

is wrong with, I just, I don't understand it, I don't understand that, and this is another thing, too, if you're gonna fucking give a guy 35 fucking years, just put him out of his fucking misery, right, wow, what would you rather do, would you rather spend 30 years in a 35 years, 25 to 60, no one at 60 you're getting out, or they can give you the old right there friend, you know, your choice, I think I'd choose a firing squad if I had to go out, fucking get electrocuted, you know, or have you put me down like some old collie, with a little fucking injection, I don't want that shit, who would want that, I don't, just fucking have me in front of a firing squad, right, hey, hey, do me, not in the face, just fucking center mass, boom, done, over, all right,

here we go, did I mention, I can't remember because I started this podcast a couple of times here, did I mention I got some new dates coming up, okay, I've mentioned the European dates, I got some new dates coming up that are going on sale this Friday, and I'm very excited about this, because these are the shows, these are the shows that I'm doing as I'm getting ready to do my fifth hour long stand up special, very proud of that, my five year, five special anniversary, okay, here we go, I got a makeup date coming up, coming up, hey, it's coming up, this is in Huntington, New York, at the Paramount Theater, Wednesday, September 7th, there's a 7pm and a 10pm show, this is the makeup show for that show that I canceled due to weather out on Long Island earlier

this year, back in January, I believe, finally making that one up, and then on September 8th, I'm in at the Charleston Galleyard Center in Charleston, South Carolina, September 10th, I'm in Norfolk, Virginia, at Chrysler Hall, September 11th, Sunday, I'm in Richmond, I'm in Richmond, Virginia, at the Altria Theater, and then, let's see, the next weekend I'm swimming with great white sharks, I'll tell you about that later, oh Jesus, getting over a fear, stupid, Thursday, September 29th, I'm in Madison, Wisconsin, at the Orpheum Theater, October 1st, holy fucking shit, does that say Omaha, Nebraska, it's just gonna be my triumphant return to, no, I have not been to Nebraska since,

since I was always doing college gigs, I don't, I can't remember the last time I was there, the Orpheum Theater, okay, that's going down on October 1st, all right, this is when we're getting down to crunch time, we're getting closer to the special, Thursday, October 6th, I'm in Atlanta, Georgia, at the Fox Theater, Friday, October 7th, I'm in Gainesville, Florida, all right, what the fuck, would a goddamn Yankee like me be doing down in Gainesville, Florida on Friday, October 7th, well, I'll tell you what, boy, I'm gonna tell you what, that's because on October 8th, the LSU Tigers are playing the Florida Gators down there on the swamp, I cannot fucking wait to go to that game, I love both those programs and I've always been a dream

of mine as a sports fan to always to go into that stadium before they tear it down, and give them some new flashy, new one that fucking looks like everybody else's, I just want to see the layout, like that whole section of that weird wall where it just says the swamp, like, what the, was that one of those multi-purpose stadiums that they used to be able to spin it around and make it a baseball diamond, and then after a while it just broke and they said, fuck it, it's a football field, I have no idea, but I want to go see that, very unique looking stadium, and their fans are fucking awesome, and it's SEC football, and then from Saturday, October 15th to Thursday, October 20th, I'm gonna be in Washington DC at the National Theater,

now what's great about that is I'll be doing probably a couple shows a night, oh it's a theater, no actually no, maybe I'll just be doing one tonight, I don't know what I'm gonna be doing, but that's the crunch time, I'm working every single Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, doing a little residency, I believe is what they call, before I get ready to do my special, and I never write my shit down, and this time there's a few things that I think I'm actually gonna try writing out and then improving on it, and just seeing how it goes on this special, just to try something different, you know, I'm always trying to do something a little different, can't be giving you the same old bill every fucking special, right, so I'm very excited about that,

I'm ridiculously excited about the European tour coming up, not excited about the long flight, and, you know, the lovely Nia will not be going with me to those fucking shows, I'm just doing, because it's a thrash, I mean, it's all right for me because I get that the hire doing the show, but she's just gonna be getting fucking, hey you like this city, all right, here's another one, you know, every fucking day, I think that would get a little old, but, so, anywho, I think that's it, right, is that my little half hour, did I do my little fucking penance for the week here, huh, oh, seven seconds underneath, thank you to everybody, once again, they came out to the goddamn comedy jam, and thank you to Josh Adamiris and all those guys for

letting me, I got to play at the Roxy dude, dressed as John Bond, I'm playing a 71 Ludwig, I mean, fucking, you know what I mean, that's some shit someday when I'm fucking old and I'm staring at the wall, still drinking, of course, I'm going out like Peter O'Toole, right, still fucking drinking, I'm just gonna have the greatest smile on my face just thinking about shit like that, like I fucking did that, that was so much fucking fun, and it was just great, I will do that show as long as they fucking do it, and so that's it, and yeah, that's it, now I'm off to Ireland, next time I talk to you, I don't know where I'm gonna be, I don't know where I'm gonna leave you, laddie, I think I'm gonna be over in, I think I've already done the three

dates in Ireland maybe, or maybe not, I don't know, all I know is I think I drive from Bristol to Manchester, England, and if I have time, I have to pay my respects at John Bonham's grave, and I have to do it, and I'm gonna do it, no fucking selfie, none of that bullshit, you know, try to do it in a classy fucking way, you know what I mean, I always remember because I went to Elvis's house one time, and I just felt bad, I went there to actually laugh, like I'll get a bit out of this, and I went to his house, Graceland, and I just felt bad, I just felt like I was intruding on the guy's personal life, and not dude, they had like a gift shop across the street with like Elvis cuckoo clocks, like that guy's one of the most exploited fucking entertainers

of all fucking time, the guy's been dead for almost 40 years, they're still making money off his fucking image, then in the end you walk by his grave in the back, it's just like a bunch of people just walking by, and yammering, and saying dumb shit, and just the sound of fucking flip-flops, and poverty, just walking by, it was just bad, it's like what are we doing here, what are we doing here, like an Elvis had the three TVs, because he used to like to watch all the fucking games, and the TVs are all fucking out of date, but you know something, when I went in there into his house, I really saw how fucking, like yeah, this must have been the only place that this guy could go to escape how famous he was, and he must have been really nice for him to be here,

and just be able to chill and relax, and it's just really fucking ironic that this place that was so peaceful for him, is now we're all traipsing through it, all trying to stretch our heads and look up the fucking, the upstairs, so maybe you can see the toilet that he fucking collapsed from, you know, it's really bad, all right, I guess I'm gonna end on that, all right, and I commend anybody who really honestly sits there and watches these Republican and Democratic national conventions at this point, if you can actually sit through there, I didn't watch it, but did the fucking guy there, Bernie Sanders, did he just completely flip-flop and endorse Hillary? Is that what he did? I mean, just, I just, nothing, I just don't

understand, is how you can sit there watching somebody in a debate, trashing somebody, and trashing them, and trashing them, and trashing them, saying why they think they're gonna be awful, and then when the person they say is gonna be awful, beats them, they then just do a fucking 180, it'd be like, I think this person that I said sucked is gonna make a great president, and has my full endorsement, so anyways, all right, that's it, I'm done yapping, that's it, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm still fucking buzzing off that fucking show Monday night, I still can't believe I got to fucking do that, so cool, so fucking cool, that's it, all right, go fuck yourselves, have a great weekend, your cunts, and I'll talk to you on

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to keep, for when my eyes were watching hers, they closed, and I was still asleep, for when my hand was holding hers, she whispered words in Iowa, a faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke, in Iowa, a faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke, hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr, The Monday Morning Podcast, and this is the third attempt at trying to be even remotely amusing on this thing, because I've been on vacation last week, and I'm too happy, and I'm too relaxed at a great time, it's down there in Tuckett, one of the whitest places on the planet, not to tell what's funny, I just literally had to pause when I said one of the whitest things, because someone of color was coming by,

and for some reason I thought that it was going to be viewed as racist, like I was actually going like, yeah, it was really white, it was awesome, it was actually, it was so white, I believe my level of whiteness was actually offensive, if you can believe it, and yeah, very, I can't explain the wealth there, it's, I don't know, I was staying out in Skonfit, which is even more snooty than Nantucket, but if you ever get out there, here's a little tip, I'll give you, take a trip of the fucking brewery out there, what the hell's the name of it, Cisco Brewers, they make their own beer, wine, and vodka out there, and go on their website, if you're a big vodka drinker, Cisco.com, I believe, but just look up Cisco Brewers, C-I-S-C-O,

I'm telling you, this shit is smoother than Grey Goose, it's unbelievable, I guess the island sits on an aquifer, the amount of times people told me that in the last week, at just some point, it would come up, you know, this island sits on an aquifer, and like you, I was like, what the fuck is an aquifer? Except I was on vacation, so the fuck wasn't there, I was more like, oh, and what might an aquifer be? Evidently, you know, I don't know what it is, I was gonna go on the internet, I was gonna look it up, but as far as I could tell from the drunk people in their boat shoes and their Tiger Woods shorts, they were saying that Nantucket was formed from a glacier, and somehow, I don't know, it sits on fresh water, and the water trickles

under all kinds of bedrock and shit from Massachusetts and shit, that just really killed the cleaness of the water. It fucking comes from Massachusetts and shit, it's like really fucking clear, but yeah, it goes right underneath the ocean, and I guess it comes right up, and that's how they make their vodka taste so good. I learned that, to drink it all my life, and I had no idea that the cleaner the water, the smoother and more pure your heart stuff is, so maybe that's why all those hillbillies are making moonshine up in the Appalachian Trail, you know? If they talk to somebody, not ten people I know who've walked the Appalachian Trail, it somehow got Lyme disease, and you know, I'm all up for an adventure, but when you get like a disease that they did an

episode about on Little House on the Prairie, you know what I mean? Basically some 1800s shit, you know what I mean? You get AIDS all the way, I mean, we've all put the gun to my head, you know what I'm saying? That's a modern disease, but you get like typhoid fever or the plague. I'll tell you what's fucked up, man. I was reading this book on the population, and I think I talked about this. I can't remember. Last week I was doing podcasts from a bathroom in this cabin I was staying at, because it's the only place I could get some sort of cell phone service, but I was reading this book about population, and basically I think medicine, medicine's what really fucked us over. A lot of people think it's dumb people fucking,

and creating more people. That's really caused the population problem, but it isn't. It's smart people giving dumb people penicillin that has caused the population explosion, and I can't stress to you enough, having traveled as much as I had, truly how many people need to die in an avalanche for us to ever save the polar bears. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Got a goddamn sunburn on my brain here. All right, if you're new to my page, man, I got a big thing coming up here. I was staying last week. My special was coming out on August 23rd. They just moved the date. I had my own one-hour stand-up special coming out on Comedy Central on August 31st, and it's called Why Do I Do This?

And it's actually coming on after one of Dane Cook's specials, which is great, because he has like 9 million fans, so if a third of them hang around, it's going to be a great thing for me. Yeah, August 31st, and this week my CD comes out. We'll be in stores of the same name. It's basically the CD of the special that's coming out on 31st, and in September the DVD will be coming out. So look for all that in stores. I'll have more information this week, and I'll be putting something up on my website as far as to give you all that information. But let's get down to the podcast questions, because my flight's going to be leaving here soon. My flight to Charlotte and then on to LA. I don't know why I got the connecting flight. It seemed like a good idea.

It's fucking stupid. All right, Bill, with all the latest postings, what the fuck did my laptop just do? What are you doing? Cut it out. Hang on. You know that when you try to click on something, and then it selects it, and then it just starts going 90 miles an hour down the page. All right, Bill, with all this posting of late, of spontaneous crowd members, heckles, and interruptions, it's getting me wondering about a couple of things. All right, I put your reading that question. They're basically saying in the last month I put a couple of postings on YouTube and on my MySpace page of people yelling out random shit during my shows. Her question is, you seem, or his question, I don't know who sent this, you seem to be pretty nice

generally to these people, even if they're being a dick. But I'm sure that's always, that's not always the case. Have you ever offended someone to the point of them trying to fight you, or made someone cry or something else really awkward? Actually, you know what, the two people heckling me, the lady going, thank you, and the guy who was in the crowd who was blind, neither one of them will be in malicious, which is why I wasn't being malicious back to them. You know what I mean? That's kind of how I work it. If someone's being a dick to me, I become a nuclear dick to them, because you have to out dick them. You know what I'm saying? It's weird. You got to go 10 times linear

than they're ever going to go. You know what I mean? It's like that untouchables. They bring a knife. You bring a gun. They make fun of your fucking head. You talk about their mother's vagina cancer or something. I know it's disgusting, right? But I don't make the rules. That's how it works. You want to change the stand-up world? You go do the late show. You go do the third show Saturday night in the middle of fucking nowhere, and you tell me that vaginal cancer does not seem like a viable means of self-defense. I'm not wishing that on anybody, but I'm not about bringing it up and wishing it on a crowd number. I don't know. And it's hypothetical mother. All right, that was brutal. Anyway, have you ever offended someone to the

point of them trying to fight you? Yeah, I had one girl chase me around the state one time, and I didn't know what to do, you know, because she was abroad, and if I hit her, I'm going to go to jail, which is a funny thing about that. You know what I mean? It's like they're getting up there, and they got a glass, and they want to smash it over your head. You know, I'm not trying to be a dick, but at the end of the day, that is, you know, the average woman weighs over 100 pounds, you know, upwards of 150, you know, the average broad out there, you know. They got some D titties. They might be pushing 160. Who knows, right? You start swinging the glass, you know? I never took a physics class, but you can really

fuck somebody up. But for some reason, because they have a vagina, cancer-free, of course, all of a sudden, now I have to stand there. There's really no way to get out of it without looking like a tool. You either stand there, and you let some girl smash you over the head, B, you run away, and you look like the biggest fag ever, or C, you blast them in the face, and, you know, then you look like, you know, you look like a white feeder, rather than no. There was another adult with a rational brain who had a glass, which is considered a, is that a tempted murder? If you smash, I know if you smash a bottle over somebody's head, that's assault with a deadly weapon. I do know that as is if you bump into somebody with your car.

I learned that other one. I'll tell you that story here in a minute. Basically what happens is a lady came up on stage, so I didn't know what the fuck to do. So I just picked up the mic stand, and I put it between her and myself, sort of alligator armed it, didn't have an extended layout, because that would seem too hostile. So I kind of had it, you know, I didn't want to have it up against me, because I would defeat the purpose. So I kind of had it halfway, you know, so it was like I was extending all the branch in a way. And I basically backed up in a circle, and she was so drunk, she kept following me until, I think she got tired. It was danger fields where it happened. And of course, there's no security there. So they probably just sitting

there laughing in their Oceans 11 waist length red coats. Why am I even trying to be funny here? I'm too fun to relax. I'll be funny next week. I already forgot the story that I told you I was going to tell you. Jesus Christ, let me go back here a second. What the fuck was I was talking about? Being on stage, somebody chasing you. Oh, the car thing. Oh, that's right. One time I was in a car, right? And I was driving. Isn't that unbelievable? Yeah, I know. I'm living an amazing life, driving down the street. And I put on my left directional, getting to the left lane. So there's this lady in the left lane, but there's enough room for me to get in. But she does the country thing. She stomps on the gas, right? So, you know,

trying not to let me in, you know what I mean? And drives, you know, she basically cut me off. She doesn't let me in. So when I get behind her, I beat better. So she beats at me. So I'm like, what the fuck? I'm right. You cut me off. I beat back at her. And then she just snapped. She just slammed on the horn and held it all the way up to this red light, which is like a football field away. She just went like, like a half a mile staring at me. I could see her BDI staring at me and the rear view mirror came all the way up to the red light. And the second she stopped, I just beat real quick. I went, just to piss her off just so I'd get it last. You know, the next thing you know, I just see her reverse lights come on. And she's fucking,

she backed into the front of my car really lightly. I'm like, what the fuck is this girl doing? And then I see her reaching into the glove box. And I was like, Oh my God, she's got a gun. And there was somebody behind me so I couldn't get out. And I'm glad he I panicked. I didn't know what to do. So she jumps out of the car. And you know, I rolled down my window like a crack because I'm so scared, right? You know, this, this psycho lady. I'm like, what's your problem? She ended up having a pad and a piece of paper. And she wrote down my license plate number. Then she jumped in the car and she drove away. Unfortunately, somebody saw it and they said, hey, was that a friend of yours? Because that's how likely she hit me. I said, no,

that was some psycho. And the person gave me their business card, which I kept. So because I'm a fucking moron, I just completely forgot about it. And next thing you know, I'm on the road and all of a sudden I get a phone call. Yes, hello, this is offices Shepherd calling from the El Segunda Police Department, investigating a hit and run possible assault with a deadly weapon. Basically what she did was she backed a car into my car and then said, I rear ended her. But I had the business card, so I was able to get out of it. And you know, who knows? I don't know what would have happened. You know, I could have gone to jail and someone would have tried to rape me and then I'd have to kill him. And then I'd be like Tom

Selleck in that really bad movie, you know? That's why I like Sharkank Redemption. That's the only one with a dude, actually, they show what would happen if an accountant goes to jail. You know, he doesn't start lifting weights and somehow take over the jail. No, you know what happens? He gets fucking raped and he gets raped for years. And that's why you always want to have a fucking alibi. Okay, especially if you're having a bad marriage, if you go into a tough time, whenever you go out, always make sure you got a friend with you. Okay? Because if you don't, someday when someone does you the favor of whacking that fucking chick that you're sick of, they're going to blame it on you. And then you know what? You're going to get raped repeatedly,

unless you're good at math, you know? And the warden's a piece of shit and you're shining shoes or whatever the fuck that plays out. I don't know. I don't know. Look, all I know is this, I got a special coming out August 31st called, why do I do this? Please do me a favor. Tell us as many people as you know. And even people you don't know, just bug people. Just tell them to watch it. August 31st. My CD is coming out this week. August 31st, Comedy Central. And then my DVD comes out in September. I don't know why it's happening like this, but that's the way it's happening. So please watch that and then come out and see me because I've already written a whole new hour because I'm the shit. You know, that's why I'm not the shit. You know, who's kidding?

I'm fucking, I'm on my way to being the shit. I'm trying to be the shit. All right? That's why I wrote another hour. That's the real reason why I wrote another hour. Actually, that's not the real reason. The real reason why I wrote is because I'm so fucking paranoid once my material has been out there. That, you know, that's a big nightmare of mine, being on stage, telling a joke and having the whole crowd going, you already did that on TV. What the fuck? And then I just started bombing and then somehow it spreads across the Internet. No one ever goes to my shows again. I got to move back in with my parents. Then again, I'm working in a warehouse again. I'm loading trucks. You know what I mean? Catastrophizing, I believe, is the thought process. Okay, I'm going to wrap this

thing up. I'm going to be at the Comedy Works. These are the gigs in August. And we have the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, starting this Thursday. I think that's July 31st through Saturday night, August 2nd. And go to my website, billbird.com, to get all the information. I'll be at the Miami Improv, somewhere around August 12th. I don't have the fucking dates in front of me. They're sitting right there on the MySpace page. You can see them. And then after that, I believe I'm doing the Stress Factory in New Jersey. Sorry, I got the hiccups now. I'm trying to think if I can remember any more podcast questions. Somebody asked me a great question. I didn't copy it, but it was copy and pasted where I can read it right now. What the fuck was it? We had

something to do. What is the most overrated thing you ever saw in your life? And what do you think is the most underrated? And that's too big a topic. Just come up with one answer. I'm going to answer even more of it next week, but the shit off the top of my head that I could say was the most overrated shit of all time. Let's see, Josh Hartnett, The Strokes, Tony Manderich, any old sports fans out there? Remember that guy? The Incredible Bulk. This guy was an offensive lineman. They put him on the cover of Sports Illustrative. I don't know what they thought he was going to fucking do, but he didn't do it. What else was overrated? Fame. Not being famous. Just that TV show, Fame. Everybody seems to love that show. Bruce Springsteen.

I don't get it. I don't fucking get it. The guy sells that giant stadium 19 times in a row. So it's got to be me, but I'll tell you, I don't get it. I don't fucking get it. So I guess that's not underrated. Here's a good one for you guys. Why don't you guys answer me this one? What's the most popular thing that everybody was into that you didn't get? I'm not trash and Bruce Springsteen like he's fucking in sync or a boy band. I'm talking about those fucking plastic see-through clogs that everybody seems to be wearing now. Crocs. I don't get it. The only person who wears shoes like that is fucking Mario Batali. I'll let you

can make pasta through the well method. You shouldn't be wearing those fucking things. I didn't care if you were on Hell's Kitchen, which is the worst fucking show on TV. I just can't believe the way those people sit there and they let that guy yell at him. It's bad enough you got to go, yes chef. You know what I'm saying? It's like you won a war or something. Fucking guy makes tuna tartar. Get over yourself. I ever had a child who just allowed themselves to be yelled at by a fucking chef to that level. That guy looks like an in-shape Bobby Kelly. I know Bobby Kelly's losing weight. You guys should go and encourage him by the way. I look great last time I saw him. I'm looking at the after picture of Bobby Kelly walking by

that he will get to because I have faith in him. What else? Who the fuck is I talking about? Oh yeah, the shit that everybody's into that I just don't let them get. I'll tell you something that's really fucking underrated. Water. Water is really underrated. Water is one of the most underrated things of all time. There's no reason for coke, soda, these fucking sports drinks, the electrolytes and all that shit. Just drink some water. I'll tell you what else it's underrated. If you eat a banana and apple and an orange and then later on in the day you just have a house salad, you will be as regular as a fucking racehorse. All these stupid shows on commercials, given people pills, all these fucking

old people who's bowels aren't working anymore, they would just eat some fruit. You know what I mean? Eat some fruit and then have a fucking salad and I'm telling you Moon River. Any Fletch fans out there? Yeah. What else? What else is fucking? I'll tell you what. The one thing that ever lived up to the hype was the iPod. The iPod is one of the few things, you know what I'm saying? That ever lived up to the hype. And speaking of hype, I'm going to see Batman this week. And as far as I know, Heath Ledger lives up to the hype playing the Joker. I'll tell you what, somebody had the amount of people who came up to me with theories as to why he, because people thought he killed himself rather than he sort of took the wrong stuff at the wrong time, you know what I mean? Wrong amount,

you know? So he told me, he goes, you know what? You know what? I know why. I know why. I know why. I know why he killed himself. He was losing his hair. Can you fucking believe that? He was one of the dumbest, like he couldn't afford fucking hair plugs. I'll get one of those John Travolta wigs. You know what I'm saying? I'll just shave your fucking head, take a nod from me. You know what I mean? Why would you kill yourself? I just did it. You know, I just, I don't, I don't buy that. The guy didn't kill himself. He just, unfortunately, I don't know what happened. I don't like how I'm going to try to act like I'm Trapper John M.D. here, you know? Which I'm not, obviously. I haven't even played a doctor on TV,

have I? No, I haven't. I like, I like how it only took me eight seconds to run mentally through my whole fucking acting career. So anyways, what time is it here? Oh, shit. Alright, my plane's gonna be bored here in a few minutes. Once again, thanks to everybody who came onto my shows in Pittsburgh. Please, everybody, watch my special on August 31st, called Why Do I Do This on Comedy Central? My CD comes out this week, I believe, on August 4th or 5th. Try to find that in stores. And you guys really seem to be liking these random videos that I've been making. I do some kind of tape in every set that I do. And if I'm, basically, what I'm going to do is if I, if I just go off on a wrist that's kind of specific to that city,

or if I have a good back and forth with somebody, it's a great way to give you guys some new laughs without me having to burn any material. You know what I'm saying? Yo, you know what I'm saying? Alright, that's it. You guys all have a good week. Thanks for listening to my podcast. And I'm working on a new website, and I will be putting all of my blogs up there. Okay, that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I have been blogging, but I have not posted any of them because evidently, the Facebooks, the Myspace, and the Friendsters, they own, any of you post up there, they own. Like, I can still make a book of my blogs, which is what I'd like to do, but so can they. And, you know, I don't like working for free. I don't know about

you guys, but I don't like doing that. So, you know, I'm just going to start, the way I'll blog on Myspace from here on out is I will just put something, you know, hey, I wrote a blog, and then I'll just put a link to my website. That's how I'm going to do it. Because, yeah, you know what I'm saying? I'm blogging, blogging for me. I'm blogging to make you guys laugh. I'm not blogging to give fucking Rupert Murdoch some more free content. All right, and that is it. You guys all have a good week, and I will talk to you later. Please go out and buy my CD in stores this week. I believe it's August 4th. I really wish I had the date. I don't fucking know. August 4th to August, just look for it. Why do I do this in stores? Tell me what

you think, and keep those podcast questions coming, and let me know some of the shit that you think is overrated. All you think is underrated, and the one thing that, I don't know, people are just totally fucking into when you're not, which might be the same thing as saying something's overrated. I don't know. There you go. Why don't you send me a definition of overrated, too? All right, have a good week. Bye. The never-ending coral maze. The crystal haze. And here the bouncing round the room. The never-ending coral maze. That before and now once more I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room.

And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. And once again, I'm bouncing round the room.

And once again, I'm bouncing round the room. Visit Jeansight.com for more information.