Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-28-22

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

Bill rambles about gym people, cult robes, and cult recruitment. 

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking to see how your work week is going. You know, you're out there. You put your pants on one leg at a fucking time.

Oh, Jesus. Speaking of which, I got to go to work today. You know, sorry for the frogginess. My voice, I just, I woke up and I literally just woke up and I was just like, I got to go do my podcast. You know, went right to work. Did I get some cereal? No.

Did I have an English muffin? No. What did I do? I fucking turned off the outside lights, walked out to my garage, my gay Raj. I put the gay in gay Raj and just went right to work. You know, it's the kind of guy I am. Anybody can come downstairs, you know, read a newspaper. It does not even fucking exist anymore.

I actually saw a guy yesterday at the gym riding an exercise bicycle while reading the sports page, like a newspaper. I was like, wow, that guy is fucking, he's going old school. I will tell you, it does bother me when I see people like, you know, when they're on like a fucking elliptical, they go on like really slow or they're walking slow or they're riding the exercise bike slow and they're just staring at their phone. It just drives me up the fucking wall because I know they're just like, you know, I can't lose.

I just can't lose. I go to the gym. I do cardio every day. Now you don't, you don't. I mean, you're doing more than just sitting there. I will give you that. Oh my God, can we get into pet peeves at the gym? How about the asshole that does cardio first gets fucking drip and wet, sweaty, then goes

over to the stretching area, lays down on the fucking floor, stretches out, doesn't even wipe it up. Fucking unreal. You know, I remember years ago, I stopped going to the gym and where I lived in my last house, I put like a little mini gym in there and of course the first day is when I fucked that way. I rotate a cup. I'd already fucked it up and didn't realize I put like the 45 145 on each side, 135 pounds

to a little warmup set, knockout 10. See if I can still put up a buck 80 for four, right? Brought it down one time. Fuck my whole shoulder up. But the reason why I made the reason I made that little gym there was because I got grossed out going to the gym, just thinking like, this is just, it's just a bunch of sweaty people sweating all over a bunch of shit, you know, and I know you got the little bottles here. You spray it, do whatever makes you feel better.

I don't know. I just got all fucking grossed out is another one. I saw a guy benching at the squat rack. Fucking annoying. What about the woman that does the bent over rose on like the bench at the bench station? It's like, no, no, no, you can't fucking do that. Everybody wants that thing. And the very least, if you're going to go over there, you could be doing the bench press

instead of another exercise that's taken up the bench press station. Another one, you're doing lat pull downs at one of those lat fucking rose station giant things. And then there's a pull up bar and some dad bod guy comes over there and he starts doing fucking pull ups and he's so fucking fat like the entire fucking thing is rocking back and forth like you're on an old swing set. And you're in the middle of your set, trying to get your reps in down one, two, you know, up one, two, down one, two, three, four, down one, two, explode down.

And don't forget the negative, right? Four, three, two, one, one, two, three, two, one. That's just some little things, just some little things. What about when the fucking guy, some guy's doing like pyramids and he needs like dumbbells and he grabs one of like 19 different weights and you go over there and there's like nothing. Fucking standing there looking around for Rick Allen. Did Rick Allen just join the gym? I thought that F Leppard was on tour.

Where the fuck can I have one pair of fucking dumbbells here? And it's always the ones that everybody uses, right? 20, 25s and 30s, like, you know, those are probably the most popular, maybe 15s to 25s. You get up to like 30 pounds doing curls when you're my age. It's just like, when am I trying to prove here? Then I'm still dumb enough to hurt myself and try to lift too much weight. 30 pounds is just, you know, this does, I mean, I'm all natural people. You get to be 54 years old.

30 pounds is just like, Jesus, you know. What am I carrying a fat person across the threshold over here? Remember, that was like a thing you had to fucking do. Did you ever even have to do it or did you just somebody do it in the movies in Hollywood and everybody felt like they had to do it? You got to carry your wife across the fucking, because she's finally going to bang you. So you got to pick her fat ass up, right? You got to walk her across the threshold.

It's just like, well, what are we just the whole beginning of that? All right, get used to it, buddy. This is the amount of work you're going to have to get in. You're going to have to put in so both of you can experience pleasure. She's just going to fucking lay there. Oh, Bill, what is going on? I don't know. I just have a ton of fucking work to do today.

I don't want to, I'm just being an asshole. I got to knock out this next pass of the movie. The movie is going to be fucking really good. I'm talking shit early. I'm not talking shit. I'm just stating facts. It's going to be really fucking good. I have the movie trailer ready to go and yeah, I'm fucking psyched.

It's becoming fun to go into the edit room because everything is working and just doing a little nip and tuck here or there. So very excited. So pretty soon, we're going to have the picture locked and then we're going to score it. Meaning we're going to have the music and then they're going to colorize it so everything looks nice. And then I think it's done. I have no idea.

You know my daughter, right? She's got this thing now. She's just like, dad, I want you to sleep with me. I don't like sleeping alone or all this type of stuff. I'm like, well, dad sleeps with mom. I can't. She goes, just one night. Can you just come in like one night or whatever?

So I was like, all right, tomorrow night I'll do it. And she's all upset. I go, listen, you got to understand something. All right. I go, I love you. Do you understand that? I go, you are literally the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I'm so proud. You're my daughter.

And you know what she said? She said, dad, can you buy me a Batman costume for Halloween? That was her response. And I fucking died laughing. And then that became the bit I was like, stop asking me for stuff when I'm saying nice things for you. I'm saying nice things to you. And then she immediately smiled.

And then I just started saying all this lovey-dovey stuff to her and she just, you know, can you get me Minecraft? She's obsessed with that because every kid I guess is out there playing Minecraft. It's like, no, you're not getting video games. Starts off nice. You build a video village and then you got to start killing people. The next thing you know, you're playing people online and that's where all the pedophiles are.

No, it's not happening. Anything else is fucking cool. God damn fucking stupid ass fucking internet. It's just really like the amount of shit. I swear to God that they just don't give a fuck about. I really think, I don't know, this is fucking, I don't know if this is crazy, but it's come right off the heels of considering, you know, they've taken abortion away in so many of these states.

Can we just like start killing sex offenders? Pedophiles and all that. You're not going to cure it. So that's it. It's like, oh, you did what to who? Okay, that's it. No, um, fucking Red Sox lost again. Did I already talk about this?

I've started this podcast twice. I can't remember fucking lost again, fucking lost again, the cannot hold a goddamn lead. It was nice to see Bobby Dabak go yard fucking twice doing up telling you that big fucker, man. He gets a holder one. It's going all the way out to fucking Kenmore Square. Um, I don't know. Everybody's like shit in the Red Sox when they suck.

It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? All their starters are hurt, dude, they fucking, they fucking suck, dude. Our best fucking player is, you know, Bobby Dabak's playing third. Devers is out. Our whole fucking starting rotation is out. Yes, we're going to have a tough time at the major league level. So I think it's bullshit, you know, if the Red Sox starters, you know, are the third team in major league baseball to go a month without getting a win.

I mean, that's a pretty easy thing to do when fucking all your starters are out. I'm just saying, all right, I don't want to get crazy here. Hey, I'm coming around to the Guardians took a second. Really didn't like the name. I'm like, yeah, it's kind of sounds heroic. Cleveland Guardians does sound a little Federal Reserve type of thing, you know, like it's some sort of Freemason shit. Oh, no, it's just a gargoyle.

Hey, what's that little hand signal he's doing, you know, those dumb groups, those secret societies. What if anybody in a secret society, right, is just standing there wearing your stupid hooded robe, they're about to do something fucking some sort of sacrifice to a farm animal. Before you know, just some formality, see, I don't feel like animals for having a big fucking orgy. I wonder if anybody ever just looks one secret society member looks over at another one just being like, it's pretty stupid, isn't it?

Like what are we doing? Why am I walking around in this, this fucking robe? Oh, man, I remember seeing that like a cult. Why are fucking cults, they're always big on these like that gives them like credibility. But for morons, I swear to God, if they join a group in this, some sort of robe involved in a ceremony, oh my God, and then if people stand in a circle, forget it, it's over. Folly had a Central America and drink the Kool-Aid. The fuck was that guy's name?

Jonestown, not Bobby Jones, he played for the 76ers. Bobby Jonestown was in the spectrum, dude, that guy, I swear to God, he looked like he managed a country band and he was stealing money from them and these fucking people followed this guy down to Central America and they all fucking when the feds were closing in. The ultimate narcissist, I'm going to go to jail, so I don't want to go to jail. I'm going to kill myself, but you guys all have to kill yourselves with me because who could go on living if I'm not here? You know, it'd be wild to join one of those groups and just start heckling the leader,

you know, especially if they're saying that they're Christ. Oh yeah, dude, why don't you go walk on some water? Oh, like when you're going to join? Did I ever tell you that time when I was out here and somebody told me, you know, I was looking for an acting class and this actor goes, oh, you should go to this acting class, right? And I go over there and, you know, I audit the class and I'll tell you, it was weird. Like it was definitely a weird vibe, right?

I'm sitting in the class and they would say like, oh, does anybody at the beginning class, does anybody have any news? And somebody raises their hand and I go, this is the 90s. So these TV shows are going to be old and the person raises their hand and what's your news? I just booked an episode of JAG and then the whole class like ridiculously loudly starts cheering like fucking clapping their hands like ridiculously fucking loud. And I was like, all right, what was that all about? Right.

And then somebody else, what do you say? I booked a two episode arc on friends and then everybody fucking going nuts. So I'm thinking in my head, why are they cheering so overly loud? And I was like, oh, I get it. I get it. Most acting classes, people get competitive and they get up, you know, your victory is my loss type of shit. So they're just like, we're going to be overly positive.

This feels weird, but whatever. It's an artsy thing and it's always going to be a little weird. So then the person goes, we have a couple of new people here auditing the class. And they go, you just moved here from fucking New York City. Please welcome Bill Burr and they did the same fucking ridiculously loud clap. And I'm like, my face literally turned like I was embarrassed. My face turned red. This is when I was, oh, Billy shy boy.

And so during the break, you know, people did some scenes and the actors were good and everything. So I was like, all right, they're a little weird, whatever, but the acting's good. And the guy teaching the class is fucking one of my favorite actors. This is all right. I can get past this shit, right? So then I, you know, there's the break in the middle. And I go to meet, you know, the person to sign up for the classes.

And they just kept going like, okay, this is a very special place. Okay, you know, we have our own parking. You're going to be safe here. We have our own security and everything that this guy was saying was always our own, like our own in-house. And there was just something weird about his vibe. And so I was trying to break the tension and I jokingly said, I go, Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm joining a cult.

And he sort of looked at me and he didn't laugh. And I was like, all right, sorry. And then we just continued and I watched. Oh, I remember too, the acting teacher in the middle, he goes, what do you think about the beginning of the class, the cheering? Was that, uh, was that too much? It was all fucking weird. So as luck would have it, I ended up going down to the laugh factory that night.

And I ran to another comedian that was also trying to act. And I was telling him the story and he goes, what's the name of this place? And I told him, he goes, Jesus Christ, Bill, he goes, that's Scientology. And I got all fucking weirded out. I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. Thank God I didn't drink anything. They ain't, I got all fucking scared or whatever.

And, uh, they just kept calling me. Hey, you coming down this week? You know, cause I'm my dumb ass, I gave him my phone number. They just kept fucking like Jehovah's Witnesses. They just kept calling. And I finally was just like, yeah, listen, I'm, I'm not going down there anymore. And the guy, I remember, I still remember, he goes, oh, we lost you. It's, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you lost me. Like you fucking never had me. A bunch of weirdos. You know, why can't Scientology be normal like the Catholic church where they're fucking raping children and then moving rapists around for fucking alone? It's not the religion. It's the rapists. So that was my one experience where I almost, uh, I really joined a cult.

It's a religion. I know a lot of people don't want to admit that Scientology is a religion, but it is a religion. And they're like, oh, this guy, he just fucking made it up. It's just like, yeah, what is that teacher? Somebody just made up Catholicists. They just, all of them, they're made up. Um, that's just my opinion.

It's my opinion. I think they're all fucking manmade. Uh, you know, I think part of it was good. Well, they were just like, all right, we got to come up with some sort of like invisible guy that you're going to answer to. Because if not, what's going to stop people from just being complete animals down here? Then they came up with laws. It's really amazing with this podcast.

How, how much shit I just start to talk about is if I've read up on it, now I'm going to pass the information on to you. Then they came up with laws. Is that what they did Bill? I don't know. I have no idea. Um, I do know I am going to watch the Red Sox again tonight. I just, I don't know.

I like going through the whole fucking season. People just showing up when they're doing well and then leaving. Oh, dude, oh, dude, I can't, I can't watch them. I can't watch them unless what I want to have happen happens. Um, all right, I've been doing a bunch of spots this week. Another reason why I fucking froggy voiced here. Getting ready for Montreal. I'll do another two spots tonight.

Then I go into Montreal. I land. I literally dropped my bags. Montreal Comedy Festival. Very excited. I get to practice. Malfrasch. Uh, I just want somebody to ask, hey, do you go there?

I can just be like GV. Um, I've been cruising along. Dude, I'm telling you something. That Pimsle French is fucking all right. That app, that Pimsle rap, I'm like now listening to French radio. And I still don't know 90% of the shit that they're saying, but all these other words I can never pick out. I'm now hearing and I'm hearing the words like broken up.

And there's been a couple of times where there'll be like these eight second things when I was like, I know what they're talking about. It's very exciting. So, uh, anyway, I was been doing spots, uh, the last two nights. Did three spots on Tuesday. Sorry, two spots last night and now I'm doing two more. And that's the kind of shit you need to be doing to get better, or at least to have you fucking act where it's supposed to be.

But I didn't, uh, I haven't played drums for the last couple of days. So I got to make, I got to make sure I can still do that good times, bad times look. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose it that it's now part of my warmup. You know, I do this, these warmup exercises. And then I play traveling riverside blues, which is at 90 BPMs. And then I play good times, bad times, two times in a row. I'm telling you, it's a little sloppy, but it's getting better each time. And, um, fucking sight finally got over that.

Over that hump. All right, here we go, people. Let's do a little reads here. Diet smoke. You know, let's take a break to tell you guys about diet smoke. Diet smoke is the solution to avoid those. Oh shit, I'm way too high moments. Diet smoke makes Delta HTHC, Delta nine THC.

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then join the movement and get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com burr again. That's mvmt.com burr. Anyway, sad fucking news. Speaking of TV shows from the 1950s. Unfortunately, the legendary, the great Tony Dow passed away. He played, obviously, Wally Cleaver on Leave It To Beaver. I don't know, man.

That fucking blows. Jerry Mathers is the only one left. I used to fucking watch that show all the time. I always thought Tony Dow was cool. Always thought Wally was cool. He was jacked a little bit. His voice changed. Everything that, as a little boy, you wanted to be able.

Oh, fuck, you know. It won't be that athletic looking kid, right? And I also liked him because I thought he never beat the shit out of his little brother. Which surprised me. I was like, that's his older brother? How come he's not fucking throwing him down the stairs for no reason? Just because he can. Oh, the parents aren't home?

How come he's not fucking torturing them? Man, that's what brothers did back in the day. Anyway, yeah. I remember, you know, I was speaking to that watching the Brady Bunch, the last episode when Bobby washes Greg's hair and it turns orange. And Robert Reed thought it was such a stupid episode he refused to be. And none of them knew that that was going to be the last episode. Um, they thought they were coming back and they just didn't get renewed.

So they never had, never got to do a finale. So that is the final episode. And I remember Greg Brady was like, graduations tomorrow. And I have orange hair and he was fucking pissed. And he really looked like he was going to beat the fuck out of his little brother. And I wanted that to happen so bad. Even though I didn't enjoy it when it happened to me. Anyway, uh, rest in peace to a Hollywood legend.

Tony Dow, I'll leave it to Beaver fame, man, gone too soon. I think I know he was 77, but when you're 54 years old, I'm like, that's 23 years away, man. That's too fucking soon. And rest in peace, Paul Sorvino. I kind of had this feeling when Ray Liotta went, I'm like, God, now all the good fellow guys are going to go. The great Paul Sorvino. Now I got to tear my back on you.

What do I know about running a restaurant? Don't put too many onions in that sauce. Paul, he didn't like phones. How many fucking legendary lines did he have? Now we can eat. I fucking quote, I've been quoting all of those lines for like 30 years. Great singing voice and all that. And everybody I know that ever met him said he was just the greatest guy ever.

Want to run years active 1956 to 2022. The guy was had a 70 year career. Incredible. Rest in peace though. Passed away in Jacksonville, Florida from New York, New York. So that's all right. So he's probably down in Florida. He's like semi retired.

He wasn't paying fucking state taxes. He went out. All right. Okay. That makes me feel good. Hey, what do you guys think about weed, man? Now that, wait a minute. What's going on here?

Now that it's legal. I don't know. This is just something about, man. I feel like they're going to do the same thing with like mushrooms. Because like mushrooms are going to kind of become legal, I guess. I heard like in West Hollywood, they're going to be able to sell those things. Because they're finding all of these great health benefits for PTSD and all of this type of stuff.

Possibly Alzheimer's and dementia. They're finding, you know, this stuff is all great. And I just feel like the big pharmaceuticals are going to grab hold of it. And they're going to start making synthetic mushrooms that cause a whole bunch of other side effects that they can then treat. It's really fucking evil. Because I feel like weed now that it's legal is way less healthy. It's just way too fucking intense.

There's just no way. I mean, I never smoked weed when I was growing up, but I remember my friends, they would get high and they would just giggle and that was it. They didn't just get, you know, to that point of like, fuck man, I can't get out of this goddamn chair. Like you can get that way like, I don't know. Maybe because everybody's doing edibles now. I just hope, you know, against hope again, you know,

I just hope what I know they're going to do, they don't fucking do. Wouldn't it be great if they actually figured out that these natural psychedelics really helped all of these people that were in pain, experienced trauma, or, you know, we're starting to get forgetful or whatever. Just imagine if it actually does work and all that. Just imagine if we just let people use the natural version of it and it improved their life as opposed to these big fucking corporate cunts who once again, like what exactly can they do, you know, and fucking Fox and CNN,

those two horrible fucking channels will actually call them out. I did enjoy people saying, oh, Fox News was giving you a shout out about that abortion bit. It's like, oh, you know, you mean when they cut out the part where I said I was pro-choice? I swear to you, but I can't get mad at them because even people on Twitter were doing it. Even just your average individual acts like a 24-hour propaganda, I mean news network. Anyway, sorry, I don't want to get on a fucking rant about that shit. The people that watch those goddamn channels, like how weak in the mind you have to be. I watch a channel that tells me the news the way I want to hear it.

It agrees with my ideologies and fills in all the areas where I don't know what to think. Morons, Morons was she and then and Morons was Fox News. And I don't know why, maybe because it's just easy. Yeah, I think I feel like it's, I feel like news junkies in a lot of way are even dumber than sports fans because at least what I'm watching is real. The Red Sox really did lose seven to six last night. They're not putting their fucking spin on it. You know, I don't know.

Well, I guess, you know, the NBA is pretty fucking manipulated. All right, I'm not going down this fucking thing. All right, that is the podcast everybody. I have, I have some breakfast. I got to go make one of my favorite things to do. I got to go make breakfast to the kids. That is it. Go fuck yourselves.

Go Red Sox. I'm still hanging in there. And I have a great weekend. All right. I'll bring my love to you. I've been stood up, messed around, and taken all the fools. But next time around, I'm going to change the rules. And I don't care about the things that people say.

It's you I think about each and every day. It's much too late for you to change your ways. I can't keep holding on, expecting you to stay. When you're alone and if you're feeling down, call me. I'll be all right. Whenever you need somebody, I'll bring my love to you. You don't have to say you love me. I just want to be with you.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 28, 2014. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? I just got back from Montreal, Canada, doing the wonderful Montreal Comedy Festival.

I had an awesome time up there. I hosted one of their gallows. You know, which is a big deal. And you know, I'm not big on hosting. I'm not big on hosting because my bits are long. And it's sort of like, I don't really know how to write a joke. So there's a lot of cursing and making faces. And I build momentum off of that.

So I just keep fucking rolling with that. And before people realize it, they've listened to an hour of my shit and I get out of there. But if I host, I got to keep coming back out. And I got to get that energy going again. And you know, it's fucking exhausting. So to be honest with you, I didn't want to do it. You know, see probably like, well, Bill,

then why the fuck did you say, yeah, I'll do it? I'll tell you why. Because I bought the money pit house. That's why. I am out there whoring myself. I'm going to tell you right now, because I was going to take the whole fucking summer off. I was going to take the rest of July and August off,

because I toured like fucking 18 months straight. And all over this great global fucking marble. And I was just like, look, I'm taking two months off. I was going to have a great fucking time. I'm bringing Billy back. Yeah. And I was just going to fucking chill out and grill. I was going to sit on my fucking back porch.

I was going to stare off into the fucking half a yard that I have out here in LA, which is actually considered a decent yard. Do you know you can't throw a Frisbee in my backyard without hitting something? I mean, it right as it leaves your hand, it probably, if I go the long ways, I decide I could maybe float for just under three seconds.

It's not really a yard. I have an area. All right. Whatever. I live in a metropolis. So anyways, yeah. So I was going to take the whole summer off. And as these guys finished this one thing

that they were going to do, the area that got damaged by the fucking water. And this is what I learned. When your house is fucking like 100 years old, 90 years old, whatever this thing is, it's just you have 90 fucking years. Well, let's say the first 10 years, everything's going pretty smoothly. From about 80 years in, all the way back,

80 all the way up to right now, you just have one do-it-yourself fucking job. Hey, I got a guy. I got a guy. Say, I'll do it for nothing. It's 1930. There's no code. Nothing.

And when I tell you nothing, I mean nothing. Nothing downstairs in my house was up to code. Nothing. And I know what you guys are thinking. Like, well, hey, didn't you get somebody to inspect the house when you bought it? Yeah, but they can't see into the fucking walls. You have no idea what's in you.

All they can just look at it. You know, they're looking for fucking sweat marks on the walls, smelling for water damage, checking the gas lines. They can do that, right? But other than that, you're pretty much on your own. And I'll tell you, all you guys fucking listen right now if you're laughing. You have no idea what the fuck's in your walls.

You have no idea what some douchebag did 20 years ago because he bought the time life books, those do it yourself fucking things. And you have no idea what that cut rewired in your wall under your floorboards. I mean, so basically downstairs is laid open at this point. Like it's having open heart surgery. Okay. And every time they think they got to the last thing,

there's another thing. And I know what you're thinking, Bill, these guys downstairs, they're taking you for a ride. Oh yeah, I'm sure they are. But what they're finding is fucking undeniable. Do you know, they got to this wall the other day. And of course, you know, that's got this shit fucking rotted out crap in front of it.

They get rid of that. We get underneath that. We get behind that. And at the baseboard, it's just dry rot. The guy's barely touching it. And it's not like it's it's breaking off. It's turning into powder. Like fucking Long Cheney Junior put this board in

when he was a struggling fucking actor. That's how old this goddamn house is. And so they're like, yeah, we got to rebuild this wall costs like four, five hundred bucks. I'm like, all right, just fucking do it, right? So they take down the drywall plastic, whatever the fuck it is. And, you know, later on that day, right?

I'm running around doing whatever I'm doing. And the contractor calls me up and he's actually laughing. He's like, Bill, you got to come over and see this. And I'm thinking in my fucking head, like, dude, this isn't whatever you're laughing about. This isn't funny. And I got over there. And basically behind the wall is like this dirt, right?

They have like, you know, this crawl space area. And what they had behind the wall is somebody had taken like this see through like plastic tarp. And that was the that was the barrier between the dirt and the wall was this plastic fucking thing. And the guy was laughing and go, I never seen anything like this, which he probably has. But, you know, I know I'm just a comedian,

but I know that that's not the way you're supposed to do something like that. But the good thing is that is the final wall downstairs. And of course, it couldn't have been, it couldn't be built, right? Right. So in other words, I'm going to be doing some shows on the oddball tour this later on this summer.

Ah, fuck. I swear to God. And this is the thing too, I could have been a cunt. I could have been like, dude, I don't give a shit. Just put a fucking wall in front of it and fuck the next guy. But that's not the way I'm wired. Oh, what are you a hero now, Bill? No, I was raised properly.

Fix the thing right. Just fix the fucking thing right. Because I'm not going to have you put a beautiful brand new wall in there with that fucking sandwich bag barrier behind it. And then what? I don't know what happens. Seem to be working all right before they cut open the wall. And I'm sorry.

I'm fucking, I've had it. I've had it with the goddamn downstairs. So that's what's going on. So if you hear drilling and you hear all kinds of shit going on, that's the fucking people downstairs. And we're hoping, we're hoping that they're going to be done. Initially it was end of June, beginning of July. Now I don't even ask anymore.

Last I heard was end of August, early September. And come on. I'm hoping by Thanksgiving I can actually walk down there and my fucking slippers. You know, we won't have any money for a turkey. I'm going to shoot a fucking pigeon. And I'm going to deep fry it and I'll do it the wrong way. I won't take into consideration the space that the pigeon's going to take up

and the grease will go over and I'll light the whole fucking thing on fire and we'll start over again. Oh God. Oh Jesus. This is what I actually like going on the road. I like going on the road because I don't have to listen to the sounds. That's the sound of the money flying out of your bank. Wow.

All right. So I had an unbelievable week aside from going up to Montreal, Montreal Comedy Festival and seen a bunch of great comics. Guys I started with, people who started before I did and then a bunch of new faces that I went down and checked out. Earlier this week I did a show out here in LA that I mentioned last week. I was talking to Norton where I was going to play drums with this band. They had this cool show like best goddamn comedy show or something

hosted by Josh Adam Myers. And we basically, hang on a second. What the fuck is this now? Getting this fucking text. Come on. This is, you know what? This is one of these days like I should just, I have to get into the right mindset because it's all going to just

all right. Anyways, plowing ahead. So Josh Adam Myers hosts this show. He's got a band and basically, you know, there's a bunch of comics that play guitar, they sing or they play drums or whatever. And you basically, you go up, you do stand up, you do whatever you want, but you can kind of make it music based.

And then in the end you, you interact with the band, however you wanted to do it. So, you know, I was like, all right, I'll play drums. We'll play a Zeppelin song. And I was kind of thinking like, if I just go back there, I can't remember if I told the story last week. I know I told you guys that I was going to do it, but basically I'll fly through it here.

I basically was thinking, all right, well, if I just go back and play drums and I do a decent job, that will be interesting for like 30 seconds. And then people will have to sit through the rest of the song. So, like a year ago, I was going to dress up like John Bonham for Halloween. And I ordered the t-shirt, a remake of the t-shirt that he wore on that, that concert film song remains the same. And I had the blue Adidas dragons.

Turns out he's wearing a four stripe Adidas when he was in Seattle. And then I had the white pants. I went out and bought those. And my wife took me to a costume store. And we got the fucking wig and the lead Zeppelin one mustache that he had, you know, I was like a big thing with Bonham with like how long it took for his mustache to connect into his beard, because his mustache wouldn't connect into the beard. And for the first, like three, four albums, he had that beard that went like underneath

his chin, like a fucking chin strap, like he had nothing up there on his face. And you know what's sad is by the time his mustache and beard connected, it's like he died. It was like his life's work was complete. So anyways, well, I'll post some pictures. If you follow me on Twitter, I already posted a few, but I'll repost them for people who for people who have lives and are not on Twitter. But anyway, so I went back there. I had a great fucking time.

We screwed it up quite a bit. We butchered it pretty good, but, but it was still funny, man. It was a fun time. And and for the longest time, I was kind of looking for a way that I could actually play live drums and people would know that I wasn't taking myself too seriously. And going up and dressing up and looking like an idiot was kind of the perfect way to do it. And it also kind of gave me license where I didn't have to feel self-conscious that people were looking at me because I had this whole fucking get up on with the sunglasses.

I could kind of hide behind it. It was actually pretty, it was pretty cool. So I'm definitely going to do another one. I'm trying to, well, I think I already know the song I'm going to do in the drama that I'm going to dress up like and I don't know, it's going to be a great time. It's going to be a great time when the show will get big and then somebody, network will come down and they'll turn it into a TV show and then they'll ruin it. And they'll take all the fun out of it.

So I'll let you know when the next one is. So before people come in and try to figure out how they're going to make money off of it, it's going to be a great time. So I'll let you know when the next one is and you should definitely come down now as we're in the beginning of the behind the music arc on this idea. But anyways, but thanks to everybody in the band and Josh and everybody for having me come down. I had a fucking awesome time. So, and with that, so that was my Monday.

And then like I said, I went up, what was it? Thursday, I flew up to Montreal, one of my favorite cities with the team I don't like the most, the fucking Canadians. I don't mind it, whatever. Oh, you know what? PK Subban came down to one of the gallows. I thought he was coming down to my gala. I was really excited to meet the guy because I wanted to ask him about that whole

because it really seemed when, you know, Sean squirted the water in his face, you know, like we had him and then they did that and then they just fucking rallied and they won game six and seven. I was dying to hear what the fuck he had to say on that. And of course, he was at another gala. Oh, well, so anyway, so I went up to Thursday and landed. Got over and did this show. Paul prevents his green room and it was like sort of this

remembering all the great comics who've passed. That was, you know, Patrice, Schimmel, Greg Geraldo, John Panette, you know, Mitch Hedberg and on and on and on and on and on. And we, you know, told a bunch of funny stories and gave each other shit. I guess people enjoyed it. Um, Robert Schimmel, I don't know if I said him and, uh, yeah, if it was, uh, it was actually, it was a good time, um, even though I was dreading it, it actually turned out to be a really good time.

But then afterwards, somebody mentioned that we forgot to bring up auto and George, auto and George. And I was just like, oh man, so I felt bad about that. But either way, started off well and, um, and then just every night, me, Verzi, and, uh, Tony V, the great Tony V ended up at a cigar bar every night at the end, smoking Cuban cigars. And, uh, I gotta be honest with you, I was done after two nights. I can't smoke a cigar three nights in a fucking row, but Verzi is a fucking animal.

And by the third night, Tony V had gone back. So it was just me and Verzi. I actually, I got like a small one. And even then I feel like, I feel like I've stood, I stood behind a bus. Like usually I buy a box of Cubans and I bring them back. And at this point, I didn't even want them. It's like, I need to, I need to take time off of this shit. This is too much.

So, um, I think I'm on the wagon again. You know, I do it. I either, I don't know how to, I either fucking, I'm going to have 20 of them and fucking cigars every night, or I just say fuck it for like 60, 70 days. That's, it works for me. All right. So go fuck yourself with your rolling of your eyes. Can't help, but if I don't have any willpower, actually I do have willpower

for 70 days. And then I'm good. But I want to thank Tony V. Tony V. I went up there and they were, they had this award show thing and they were giving out these awards for comedy, which is, you know, silly. But, uh, you know, what are you going to do? They've done a bunch of shit for me. Who's anybody else that would have been like, no, no, I don't want to go.

You know what? I'm working, but it's the Montreal County Fed. Who doesn't want to go to Montreal? So I went up there and I had Tony V do the intro and he fucking absolutely crushed it. And, uh, I don't know. That was, that was, that was a great time. And then the next night I did the gala and, uh, I got to give, uh, I got to give a shout out to the people that were on the show.

Man, they were great. This dude mock forward who I worked with in Toronto was hilarious. And we had worked in Toronto like the end of last year and I saw growth in him, like major growth since the last time I was with him. He was fucking great. God damn it. I hope I don't forget anybody. Michael Che, um, who I wasn't familiar with.

I made sure I went out on YouTube and I watched everybody before I went out there because that wasn't allowed to say he's been on this show or this show because we were up in Canada and I watched his letter and she said the guy was phenomenal and then his jokes at the gala were even better. Uh, shit. I'm getting old. Oh, Verzi. Verzi was on the show.

Uh, Nicky Glazer, she was on it. Um, that's how old I am. The show was literally two days ago. Oh, and then Chris D'Alia, he comes out, absolutely fucking murders it. He's a beast. And then Dom Irer walked out, closed it out. Oh, wait, uh, Bert, um, Kurt Metzger, I almost said Bert Kreischer. That's how fucking old I am.

Kurt Metzger came out. He did this fucking bit and what killed me was the, the, I don't want to ruin the joke because I don't want to do his bits, but he did this bit and he was so clearly being absurd and it was fucking hilarious. It was, it was a bit about, you know, girls and their teens committing suicide and he had a solution as to what to do to prevent them from not killing themselves and it was fucking hilarious. It was absurd, but the, the, the reviewer was just like, it didn't go over well at the,

the gala and it did go well on the nasty show. It's like, yeah, that's not his fault. You fucking idiots. Do you think he's being serious? That there's nothing that gets, oh, that a lot of shit gets me going, but that really fucking annoys me when the critic doesn't even get the joke and then blaming the comedian. Whatever. All right.

So he fucking killed the whole fucking show was great. The show was great and I was actually, uh, I was dreading doing it because like I said, I was hosting and that was outside of my comfort zone. You know what I, you know what it is? It goes back to early in my career where I hosted a show at the comedy connection in Providence, Rhode Island and I ate my balls so fucking bad. And the thing about it is, is if you're just doing a set, if you go up and bomb as bad as it is, you're tearing the, you're tearing the bandaid off.

Whatever you're doing, you're doing 10 minutes. You're getting it over with. You're doing, it's going by in real time. If you're hosting, you go up and eat your balls. You get off. You got to go back up again. Bring up the next, eat your balls, bring up the next guy, go back up again. You just have to keep going back up and, and it's not like you get to start over again.

They're like, Oh yeah, that guy, that guy that we don't like. And it just keeps going on and off for the duration of the show, which is going to be at least 90 minutes. So for 90 minutes, you're eating your balls. Even when you're not up there eating it, you're in the green room, dreading and you're making a set list. What if I did this joke freaking the fuck out? So I think that I actually have a, I have a phobia or I did anyways,

had a phobia of fucking hosting and that, that got rid of it. You see that when you got dry rot on the bottom of your fucking house, you can get over a lot of fears. All right, let's get into the, the advertising for this week, everybody. Stamps.com quick, convenient and most importantly, easy to use. That's how I would describe stamps.com. It will make your mailing and shipping a breeze for fuck's sakes. Hold on a second.

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I always do that. Personal experience, or I go, host. What a maroon. All right. So anyway, so now that I'm trying to convince myself that I'm going to knock off the drinking, whenever I quit booze, I have to go like six days. I can go like three, four days,

and I don't give a shit if I have a beer. But once I get to six days, I feel like I got a little hitting streak going, you know? And I don't want to start back over at zero. So we'll see how I am this time next week. But I'm going to lay off the stokes, going to lay off the booze there. And like I said, we'll see how it goes.

And I'm trying to do my final push to tip the scales at a buck 62. The last time I had a flex stomach and a little bit of abs over there. And I got to be honest with you, a lot of people are giving me shit for my diet advice, despite the fact that I know some people that I've been, you know, some of the suggestions that I'm making, you know, keen with salads and all that type of stuff. Somebody actually texted me saying,

your diet advice is making me angry. And it's just like, dude, I think that has less to do with what I'm suggesting vegetables. Vegetables are making you angry. I think that has to do with you probably had, you know, an overbearing father like myself, you know, who didn't let you speak up and express your opinions. You could just write me and just say,

Hey, you know, why don't you try this? Instead of sitting there stewing, no pun intended. And then there's other people that, you know, they're giving me shit just saying that veggies are for rabbits and all of that, all of that usual shit. I never said, don't eat meat. I'm just saying, I just, what's been working for me. I mean, the best shape I've been in in like three years

and everybody's saying my dietary advice is bullshit. It's completely working for me. They still hold it onto that whole, you know, eat like a man. You know, fucking go kill an animal and go eat it. I'm not saying don't do that shit, but here's something. Here's something I would like you to try for all the meat eaters out there that are giving me shit. And I'm not even saying they're so fucking paranoid.

Carnivores, I'm not even saying don't eat meat. I'm just saying, you know, twice a fucking week. This is what I do with the veggies over there. And they're getting the backs up. They're getting all freaked out. Let me ask you this there at steak dinner. I want you to do a little experiment. All right.

One night go out and get yourself a lovely amazing steak dinner with the baked potatoes and the cream of spinach and your glass of wine and all of that. And I want you to honestly tell me how you feel afterwards. I know you feel full. I know you feel great. But I want to know how long after that meal before you just have to lay down and go to sleep,

which is basically your body going, wow, look at this fucking mountain of work we got to deal with. Let me just go fucking lie down. Let's shut the body down so we can get this through our fucking system. If you go out and you have a fucking veggie dinner, right? That's of the same quality as a good steakhouse. I mean, I'm not talking about going to one of those things

where they deep fry fucking zucchini. At that point, you might as well go to McDonald's. I'm saying actually a really, you know, a comparable to whatever steakhouse you're going to, go to a comparable vegetarian place. And tell me how you feel after that. Okay, and I will always eat steak. I love a fucking steak dinner.

I love chicken. I love all of that shit. I'm always going to eat that stuff. But it's undeniable as far as I'm concerned, how much better I feel when I do the veggie thing. So I know I'm never going to stop eating cattle. So I just look at it kind of like with the Stoges. Hey, I just take a break for a couple of days.

That's all I'm suggesting. All right, so all you guys who have sent me homophobic shit suggesting that I now want to lay down with another man just because I want to have a fucking cucumber. Well, dude, look at the shape of it. Cucumbers like a fucking porn star's dick. You know, it's like you're blowing the Hulk. Anyways, hey, this is a great time of the year.

It's actually getting a little late. You know, I hope you guys, I forgot to bring up again once again to have yourself a little veggie garden. You know, our tomatoes are just starting to become ripe and the other night, one of them fell off the branch there. And we cut it up, put a little salt and pepper. There's a little olive oil made it a little, I guess, less healthy.

Fucking ate the thing. I was unbelievable, unbelievable what a tomato was actually supposed to taste like versus what the fuck you usually get. So anyway, so all you guys out there who think I'm like, you know, slowly going to start, you know, walking on stage wearing yoga stretchy pants. I mean, I might have to do that one night if, you know, that Josh's show, the best goddamn comedy show,

whatever the fuck he calls it, you know, depending on what drummer I'm dressing up like. I mean, if you look at a lot of the hair metal and that type of stuff, some of that spandex, I mean, they were basically wearing yoga pants that were shorts, right? Is that what it was? I want to do a striper song. I'm joking.

I would never do that to people. Anyway, so that's all I'm suggesting. So everybody can, you know, fucking relax. Can relax. What else did I do up in Montreal besides booze my face off? Oh, I did radio. It did some radio. I did the Richard Bonney's podcast.

Going in there knowing full well that it was going to be some of the most awkward moments in the history of radio, which is basically what a podcast is. I don't know why they call it a podcast. It's a fucking radio show. What is this podcasting? How would you describe it? Well, have you listened to the radio?

It's that except it's on the internet. Interesting. So if you've never listened to the Richard Bonney podcast, my wife hates me. I would highly recommend it. And I went on this thing knowing that it was going to be brutal. And, uh, and then me and Bonnie, we got this fucking thing where we like each other, but our conversations do not link up.

You ever have something like that? Some of you just, you just cannot. Like you just, it's just been a 20 year misunderstanding between the two of us. I never know what she's saying. She never knows what I'm saying. And it just leads us to these fucking dead ends. Where we just both look at each other,

shake our heads and walk away and then start over again at the top of the street. So that's essentially, if you'd like to listen to like an hour of that with Rich Voss telling stories that really have nothing to do with what me and Bonnie are attempting to say to one another, I highly recommend it. I'm fucking around. It was a great time.

People really seem to enjoy it. And then also there was some really funny comics in the crowd. Judy Gold, people like that chime in and that type of stuff adding to it. So, and this one old guy who fell asleep two minutes into it, we actually sent him, sorry, I just had the hiccups there. I wasn't getting emotional. We actually sent him off into the corner

so he could sleep and his friends could watch. And he nodded off for the whole show. I think we got a picture of him. All right. And then that was it. I did the opium Jimmy show. And I think that that was it. That's what that's what I did.

That was my festival and another one. Another Montreal comedy festival down the fucking tubes. All right. Hey, you know, don't look now, but the New York Yankees are making a push for the playoffs. Those sons of bitches are actually in the Wildcat. And as a fan of Derek Jeter, I'd like to see him make it just to see Jeter do one more postseason.

Of course, I want to see the Yankees lose, which is always bigger is bigger than my respect for Derek Jeter. But I don't know, be kind of sad if that was like, you know, the fucking end of the season. And then that that was just it. I do have tickets to the to that that last game he's playing at Fenway Park. Did I tell you guys I bought in half on Red Sox season tickets this year?

Buddy of mine was on a waiting list for 10 years and he got these great seats. And he's like, I can't I can't swing these men. I need some more people to buy in. So I bought in for my little block of tickets, me and a couple of the guys or whatever. And because they're expensive as shit. And I'm thinking like, all right, well, you know,

I got enough family and friends back there that I can sell them to them. And then I can, you know, the socks don't care if you put them up on StubHub. So I'm like, I'll be fine. Right. And, you know, the Red Sox shit the bed from day one. And I can't give these things away. I've lost my shirt on these tickets. Once again, Bill Burr on the comedy oddball tour later on this summer. Jesus fucking Christ.

So but I do have that. You know, what's funny is I could actually sell the and I could sell that pair of tickets on StubHub. But I can make a ton of fucking money, a ton of my money back. I would still lose, but especially if the Yankees don't make the playoffs. And that could actually be like his last fucking game, I think is a possibility. This is a sports fan. There's no fucking way.

I'd rather be there. I've never been like, you know, I remember a long time ago, two, two of my buddies, they got season tickets to the Patriots in 1985. And the Patriots ended up going to the Super Bowl and they had tickets to go to Super Bowl 20 and they both scalped them. And I just, I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. And even though we lost 46 to 10, even though we got fucking destroyed, it's just like, I would, I would still rather go to Super Bowl 20

and actually see the 46 defense live. You could have saw Walter Payton. All of those, you know, Richard Dent, Wilbur Marshall, all of those fucking Hall of Famers, all of those people you could have seen, you know, Jim McMahon versus fucking Tony Eason and then our old Steve Grogan coming in that whole fire. But it would have been great. And you get to party down in New Orleans. I definitely, I always think the experience, even if your team loses,

is way better than selling. Maybe, maybe I'm a fucking jackass, but I always look at it that way. So I'm definitely going back for that game. You know, maybe I'll pick up like a one nighter along the way. But I'm really looking forward to going to that. Wow. So maybe I should be rooting for the Yankees not to make the playoff. So that'll be his last game.

So actually there'll be like, in like the fucking bottom of the eighth of the top of the ninth, Derek Jeter coming up where his final fucking at bat. What if he hits a home run to right field, like fucking Ted Williams, you know, he's going to do something. So anyways, and football is right around the corner. This is such an exciting time. Is anything more exciting than when you see me start going to like fucking training camp? The greatest month of the year for me is September.

It's just like, I always get depressed at how like fast the summer goes by. And then when all of a sudden it's September and it's football and the games count and there's college football and all of that type of shit, it's just the, it's the greatest. It's the fucking greatest. I can't wait. I can't wait. So I mean, what else am I going to do for the rest of the summer? I can't go out and sunbathe over there.

All right, let's get into some of your questions here for the week. The flute says, Bill, you took a hammering from a lot of people on all fronts. Twitter, Facebook and emails. 910 mentioned, oh, 90%, I guess mentioned Anchorman. Others suggest you YouTube jazz flute players. Listen, go fuck yourselves. All right, first of all, all you guys who said, when I said there's no cool way to play the flute and then you bring up Anchorman, he was mocking playing jazz flute.

He was making fun of me. Playing jazz flute. He was making fun of it. It's a fucking movie. Do you think those flames were actually real coming out of the end of it? Do you think you really drank a fucking drink out of that thing? It was using it as a straw. It was a joke.

All right. And as far as jazz flute, let me tell you something right now. I don't, I'm not saying that there's not virtuoso play. I don't want to hear it. There's certain instruments that listen, if you want to accompany like some shit with the flute. Absolutely. All right.

But there's a reason why there's no fucking flute players in the rock and roll hall of fame and don't even bring up that fucking band. Oh, no, no, no, no, whatever that fucking guy is. That Jeff wrote tall guy. I don't even want to fucking hear it. He did not get into the rock and roll hall of fame because of his flute playing. It was the fucking rock music underneath it. Okay.

So you can take your flute, turn it up sideways and shove it straight up your candy ass. No. Yeah. No, I stand by that. I stand by that. I put the flute right up with the oboe. Now, if I go watch a classic, I guess I was talking to like rock music.

All right. Even jazz, you can go fuck yourself. I'd much rather trumpet has so much more power saxophone, trombone, all of that shit. I would rather listen to that than the goddamn flute. Now you take a flute and a piccolo and you stick that shit in a sympathy, sympathy. A symphony. I can listen to it then.

Then I find it an amazing accompaniment. If you have, I can't even say any of the words I'm trying to use right now. If you fucking have 40 other fucking musicians, okay, helping to flesh out all around a fucking flute, I can listen to it or a piccolo. I can listen to that. If you want to have one little movement where, you know, you got some dreadful fucking music and all is lost and all of a sudden there's a ray of light at the top of the fucking tunnel. And you want to, you want to emphasize that with a little, oh, what is that up there?

Kind of fucking notes with a flute or a piccolo have at it. Have at it. But I don't want to listen to a fucking hour of that shit. I stand by it. Fuck all you flute playing fucking assholes out there. Who would have thought? Who would have thought that that would have become a controversy? All right.

Hey, Bill, when's your next special? Going to be available on Netflix. We are shooting for December 5th. December 5th is going to be the release date. And I'm editing it right now. And I could not be happier with the way that this thing looks. I can't wait for you guys to see it. And I'm in the process of writing my new hour.

And I come in right out of the gate with a rough one, you know. It's really just coming off as sexist. And I have to be honest, because I can't stand outside of myself. I can't have like a Jesus Christ. What are they ripping up downstairs now? You know what I think they're doing? I think they're getting rid of this. This is actually exciting.

I have all this galvanized pipe in my house. And they're fucking yank because, like I said, it's been flayed downstairs and you can see all of it. And they're like, well, we might as well change it now before it bursts. They always put that fear in your head. Hey, we're building this beautiful bathroom. But sure, it'd be a shame if this shit behind the wall bursts. I mean, we can risk it.

And you're like, all right, just fucking do it. I'm not going to make any money off this house. I'm going to have to fucking live to be 150. Christ, this is the only good thing about buying a fucking house is that if you want to change something, you can. You don't have to clear it with your landlord. But as far as making any money off your house, it's a fucking pipe dream unless you fucking start fucking over other people.

And when the market's hot, you go in and you buy houses and you do a half ass fucking job. You half ass the whole fucking thing. You don't even know what the fuck you're doing. That's why I hate that show where they flip this house. I can't stand watching those people who aren't caught. Like they sit there and they'll show the guy who bought the house. He's trying to figure out how to use the sander or whatever to redo hardwood floors.

He doesn't even know what he's doing. They're playing this silly music and he does a fucking half ass job. And then you watch these suckers come in because what he did is all brand new. So it's still holding together and it hasn't fallen apart yet. And you're just watching these people getting led off to fucking financial slaughter. Sorry. Anyways, so this opening bit that I'm doing, I can't tell if it's coming off sexist or I just am sexist.

The point of it isn't sexism, but it's really coming off like that. It's really been a, especially up there in Montreal. Oh, Jesus. I opened with that at the gala. I'm sure they'll edit that one out. So anyways, yeah, the next one is going to be December 5th. And also my comedy album is finally done. Finally went through all the red tape with Carnegie Hall,

finally got them pressed, all the records pressed. I'm going to find out today. I actually have them in my house. I have to find out when I can sell these things to you because they're also going to be available in stores. But the fucker is done. And I think I'm going to be doing a co-release with Aziz Ansari on Third Man Records,

which is Jack White's label out of Nashville, Tennessee. So that's a little teaser. That should be coming up in the next, I don't know when, in the next month or so, I hope. I'm really hoping. I think they're finishing up Aziz's album. So it's going to be pretty cool. And once again, I really want to make this stress this.

The material that's on my Carnegie album is, that was November of 2011. And when I taped, you people are all the same. That was March of 2012. So that's December, January, February, March, four months later. So this was where my act was at four months earlier. So there's a ton of overlap, which is why I wanted to put it out on vinyl only,

because I wanted to document that I actually got to perform at Carnegie Hall. But I don't want to fuck any of you guys over where you're thinking this is going to, oh my God, this is going to be an hour of completely different shit that I never heard of. That's not what it is. What you're going to hear is where my act was four months

before I recorded it. So there is some different shit, but I'd have to say at least 80% of it is the same jokes, ideas, or whatever. And granted, I tell them differently. I'm sure someone will listen to them and be like, I actually like the way you did the fucking jerk-off joke at Carnegie better than you did it in DC.

So there will be that. But I'm letting you guys know that shit. So I don't want to hear any fucking crap from any of you, like I screwed you over. I'm going out of my way to let you know that this is what it is. But it's really, to have a comedy album is pretty fucking awesome. And it's something that I don't think this will be the last time I do this.

I would like to try and, you know, I have a couple of ideas where I could put out just an hour of original shit, maybe just on vinyl. That could be a cool thing. We'll see. We shall see. So I'm just letting you know that that is, I actually have them.

I just have to wait to figure out when I'm going to sell them. But every day that I don't is closer to the holidays and it'll make a wonderful gift. There you go. Oh, Jesus, what is that guy drilling down there? Um, if any of the construction people are working on my house or listening to my podcast, I know you guys are doing a phenomenal job.

All right. I'm just being a crabby cunt. Okay. So don't fucking not tighten down the screws down there. Okay. Yeah, you hear that? Yeah. I don't even know.

I don't want to know what the fuck that was. Um, all right, let's plow ahead here. Dude, he didn't call shit Verzi. Dear Bill Uder, is that like Uber? I'd like to congratulate Paul Verzi. When no one else in the world was saying LeBron would go back to Cleveland, he was the only one. Oh, no, wait, he wasn't.

In fact, he didn't call it until one week before the decision was made. And plenty all in caps of other people had been making that exact same prediction. You can look at his Twitter feed or listen to his podcast for proof. Basically, everyone was saying it. It was either Miami, Cleveland, or a few other teams that had made phone call. Does Paul know that guessing correctly by picking one of four choices isn't calling it?

Jesus Paul, you're taking a pounding. He acts like he's Sam fucking Rothstein. And he made some out of left field prediction that LeBron was going to the Raptors or something. Here's the thing. I like Paul. I think he's funny, but holy shit. Cool it on the calling it thing.

I can't even imagine having an argument with him in person. This is fucking hilarious. Paul, look at this guy. This guy's sharing my view with you. He seems, you know, it's funny as Paul is listening to this right now. And I know he's got his head down with his looking through his eyebrows. Going, it's fucking bullshit. I said it to Jay Lawhead.

Jay Lawhead can say it. I said it two fucking years ago to Jay Lawhead in a bar in Cleveland. He goes, he seems like the type of guy who does that thing where he puts the tip of his fingers together when he's making a point. No, he definitely doesn't do that. Then shakes his hands back and forth from his chest to the floor, like an Italian, an Italian, and do that annoying thing where you look at someone else in the group

besides the guy you're making a point to as if to say, hey, we're all together on this point. I'm making against this guy in front of me. Am I right, fellas? That's fucking hilarious. That's why I love Italians. I love that they do that. He goes, all due respect to Paul though.

Great guy. Now that you took the piss out of him. He goes, he literally has to be the worst poker player on the planet too. I can't imagine him playing it cool with anything but pocket aces. Watching Paul's face and Paul's face alone during the whole process of him chasing us straight would be priceless. I played poker with Paul. Now he has a great poker face,

and then he has a way of looking at you. He's got this face when he's looking at you to try to figure out if you're bluffing that actually makes you laugh. All right, Paul, shot has been fired your way for those of you not listening to the Verzi podcast. This is like the old rap battles where Paul's going to have an answer song to this guy. He's going to defend himself.

So everybody listen to the Verzi effect. I will email this. I will copy and paste this and I will email it to him and maybe he can write back. And the worst part of all of this is I'm going to have to listen to him defending himself first to me on the phone before I listen to him do it on his podcast.

So I have to listen to him do it twice. All right, okay. Quit drinking would rather be alone. This next person says, Mr. Embarrassment, sorry. I thought since you've taken time off from drinking that you'd be a good person to talk to and ask about this. I'm 22 years old and after hitting the bottle hard

since early high school, I decided to take some time off after it seemed to get out of control. Yeah, I've been there. I've been sober for nearly five months at this point. The thing is that since putting up the bottle, I've noticed I enjoy spending time alone rather than with other people.

I still go out to bars and hang with my buddies who drink and usually just end up being the designated driver. He says, I have no problem with people who can control their alcohol. Just thought it would be a good personal choice to take some time away. But being sober slash the sober guy at 22 is pretty damn rough when everyone else is getting shitty.

Just wondering if you had any insight on the matter. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, I can actually relate even at 46 of being the sober guy because of all the free time that comedians have. We can kind of drink like we're still 22. So I know how, I guess, you know, but I'm not 22. So I guess there is an extra amount of stress with that. But I think what you're doing is a great thing.

And hello, Nia. I think it's a great thing. And how do I put this? When you go on a run of not drinking, it's all about you. And what you want to do and how long you want to do it. And I wouldn't give in to any external pressures as to when and where you start drinking again. I always find it funny when I'm not drinking to go to a bar

and watch basically everybody slowly roofing themselves. And then just watch the behavior. And like I said, I don't do it in a judgmental way because I'm more kind of observing like, oh, this is how I was acting. It can definitely suck at night, but there's nothing better in the morning when you wake up without a hangover ready to take on the world. And I would think at 22 to do that's pretty mature. And you got a chance of meeting your judgment on who you start dating

would probably be a lot better rather than you're hammered and she's hammered. And you start the relationship off in this cloudy area. You might meet another smart person your age who's taken some time off herself, who knows, who knows. But as far as like, if you're feeling pressure to start drinking again, that's the wrong reason to start drinking because everybody else's drinking is not the reason to come back. But if you feel like you have it under control, or if there's an event coming up,

if there's an event coming up and you're like, okay, I'm going to drink at that. And then I'm going to immediately shut it off. But I got to be honest with you, that's a tough thing to do because I was like, I'm going to drink when I went to Vegas. And then I was immediately and go back on the wagon. And I was able to do it for four days. And then it was like July 4th weekend, then I had a beer and then I've just been kind of drinking ever since.

But fortunately, I drank so much in Montreal that yeah, that now I don't want to drink. I think that I almost need to do that. I got to hit like a wall where I either make such an ass of myself or make such a bad decision or just do something that it's easy for me to kind of like want to walk away from it. But like I said, it's all up to you. You don't sound like you're an alcoholic. I mean, from your fucking email, I can't really judge it.

But like I said, do whatever you want to do, but don't start drinking again because everybody else's. I guess that that would be my advice. All right, let me let me read the last of the advertising here. Then I'll wrap it up. Some other questions here. All right, legal zoom, everyone. Most Americans don't have a will.

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Please make sure you use Hulu plus.com slash bill so you get that extended free trial. And so that they know that we sent you. It helps us to keep the lights on and gives you a better deal. One more time for the extended free trial. That's Hulu plus.com slash bill. Oh, hey, for that kid also was talking about not drinking. Here's another thing too. At my age, I see the results of abusing your body with booze, drugs, food.

People say food is a drug, which I would actually 100% agree with. You see the results of it. And unfortunately, when I was up in Montreal, I saw a couple of people that are my age and 10 years older and they either look the ones that took care of themselves and kind of quit drinking and tried to eat right and that type of thing. They look great. They still got the light in their eye and then people who've been, you know, hitting it hard, man.

It really catches up with you when you get to be my age where it's like, you know, I've been of legal drinking age longer than I've lived when I wasn't. You know what I mean? That tipping point of like 42 years of age, when you've, you know, and forget about underage drinking that you've already been doing, like it really, really catches up with you. So what you're doing right now, giving your body a break when it's as young as it is, is a phenomenal thing to do. And, you know, you could actually experiment steering even more into a healthier lifestyle,

like learning how to eat a little bit better because at 22, man, I mean, you can fucking drink a 12 pack and eat McDonald's late at night and wake up the next day with a flat stomach. But like you're setting yourself up for, you know, just basically being a human being is no different than being an athlete. It's just the timeline, timeline is stretched out a lot longer. Like father time is going to get all of us, but you know, those athletes who throughout their career or early in their career took care of themselves have longer careers. And if you'd like to have a longer career, in other words, a longer life,

like doing what you're doing is a great thing. So I don't know, when you look at it that way, there's really no peer pressure. Is there really peer pressure to die sooner? All right, Nia, do you want to chime in on one of these? You want to do dead Nancy, did Nancy, dead Nazi grandpa? Did I say Nancy? Do you know how hard they're laughing in England right now? Fucking Nancy boy.

Breaking up for college. Which one do you want to do? You want to do that? You want to stay in your wheelhouse? All right, I'll come over here. Who wears short shorts? All right. That's really good about quitting drinking.

I'm not drinking this week. I'm a little closer. I'm not drinking this week, I said. Okay. It's a good idea. It is a good idea. All right, here we go. Breaking up for college.

Oh yeah, look at that. What is this? This is, this is, she just picked up my hotel key for this weekend. That's the W hotels. That, that's how they advertise their spa. And there's a girl on it wearing a bikini, sitting on luggage and holding like a hat box. So fit a Vech, a Vechterra styles. Is she like a trainer there?

There's literally a picture of like a half naked woman on your room key. Yeah, I mean, I said that a long time ago. I did the W hotel. Everything looks like it's been jizzed on. No, they have all they have. No, they have all they have of that hung over lighting and all of that type is the, you're making a mistake lamps, you know, very sexy. No, it's hacky sexy, that aquarium lighting that they have and all of it.

I've decided I'm done with them. I'm done with them. I like those older stuffier places with the good breakfast. I want some holiday sauce. I say holidays, holidays. Holidays. Holidays. How many times I've read that and I still can't retain it.

All right, breaking up for college. Dear Bill, my girlfriend and I have been dating for a while throughout high school. It's pretty much the relationship I've always dreamt of. Never really getting tired of each other. No fighting, similar views and tastes. A healthy amount of sex. Sounds like a recipe. And a healthy scoop of sex.

Very supportive of each other. However, we both graduated high school and are going off to college. She's going to a liberal arts school in Philly while I'm staying in the state to go to Northern Arizona University. We both agree that it wouldn't be healthy to try and maintain a long distance relationship. So we're spending these last few weeks of the summer together and we'll break it off when she leaves for Philly. Oh, wow, man, that sounds sad.

This is a person who just graduated from high school and they're talking about it's pretty much the relationship I've always dreamt of since when? Since you were five? Yeah. I mean, no, it's really nice, but it's like how is someone who's graduating from high school like I'm in the relationship I've always dreamt of? I didn't know that high school people dreamt of relationships in a way that they really understood. Maybe this person does.

See, one of the things when you do these questions is it's very easy to superimpose where your head was at? But it literally reads like somebody who's like a 30 year old. It's like it's what I've always wanted. There's like a healthy amount of sex and we don't get tired of each other. It's like this is someone who just graduated. You know what? I actually see your point.

They do sound like they're 35. It's like when did you dream of having this great relationship? All right. Well, let's continue here. Let's see what you got here. I could very well... I'm falling bullshit. Oh, you think this is a bullshit?

Well, I don't know. It sounds nice. I'm sorry. Let's continue. Well, I'm very gullible. You can get me. I could very well see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl, but at the same time, four years is a lot of time.

I mean, that's a fucking marriage right there. Everybody has that one couple that wins best couple, and they got together the freshman, sophomore year, and they just didn't know how to break up. So then they continue on and continue on, you know? Then you see him at the 10-year reunion. Yeah, we broke it off. When?

Last week. Then they get on with their life. I could very well see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl, but at the same time, four years is a lot of time, and a lot can change in that time. So I don't expect us... I don't expect for us to hook up again the second we graduate. However, she's come to be one of my closest friends,

and I'd like to maintain that friendship, and she agrees. I want to watch her life unfold and watch her inevitable success come alive. Yeah, these very mature people, whether we're romantically involved or not. While this will be a bit of a damper on the beginning of college, I know I'm going to have a blast. My roommate is one of my best friends from high school. He knows how to deal with me,

and he'll kick my ass to get back in shape if I start getting mopey about this girl. What's your take on this situation? Any words of advice or encouragement? Thanks in advance. All right. I would say when you break up with somebody, my thing has always been when you break up with them,

you got to get away from them, because as much as you have this mutual agreement or something like that, one of you is going to meet somebody first, and then it's just going to be rather than enjoying, oh, I met somebody, and seeing how that goes, you're going to have to deal with the fact that you're dragging somebody else through it, and they'll hear it in your voice.

You know, what are you doing? Nothing? Is there somebody over there? They're going to figure it out. And if she finds out before you, find someone before you, you're going to try to get her back. I mean, I think you guys should just go cold turkey until you have your Thanksgiving break,

personally, maybe an email here, email there. But I think you guys should, if you're going to break up, you've got to break up, I think. Nia? I'm still trying to understand exactly what the question is, because honestly, it sounds like from this email, it sounds like you've got it figured out perfectly to me. Because we both agreed that it wouldn't be healthy

to try to maintain a long distance relationship, so we're spending these last few weeks of summer together. Yeah. I mean, you're not going to be the only person in college, in freshman year of college, who's left their boyfriend or girlfriend behind. That's a pretty normal thing. So, yeah, spend your summer together.

It sounds like a movie, actually. You know, spend the summer together, and then you both go off, and yeah, Thanksgiving break, they'll probably see each other and whatnot. But I mean, I honestly wouldn't put too much pressure on either one of you to try to... It sounds like you're both really amazing, lovely people, and that's really nice.

But yes, you are going to meet other people in college, and the fact that you're being really realistic about it is... If you had to guess. I don't really have much to say about this one. If you had to guess. It's so mature. I can't... That's why I'm sort of, like, stuck.

All right, you want to go to dead Nancy Grandpa? Nazi. All right, so yeah, you guys seem... You got to figure it out. Yeah, I don't really... There's not really much else to say. But what about me? My advice, what I'm saying,

he shouldn't stay in contact with her. I don't think that that's possible. I mean, I don't think you should try to continue a relationship. Like, let's try to, like, make it work. You guys have already said it's going to be too hard, but to be friends and things... I mean, part of her blossoming will be her blowing somebody else at some point.

I don't want to be crass, but I don't think you want to see... You don't want to be crass, but you just talked about blossoming by blowing somebody? Listen, there's a lot of colors in the sunset, okay? There's a lot of colors in the sunset. You don't need to see all of them. Blossoming, coloring in the sunset.

You're really trying to make it... Or sunrise, sunrise, blossoming. Sunset's the end. No, I think if they're going to be friends, that they're going to text, they're going to email, they're going to see each other's social media activity. Like, it's impossible not to.

Someone may get jealous. It's not impossible not to. You just don't look at it. You cut it out. Cut it out. It doesn't sound like he wants to cut it out because they really enjoy each other. You know what I'm doing?

I'm doing the exact thing that I told you not to do. I'm superimposing my thoughts. Yeah, like if we were to, God forbid, if we were to break up or whatever... Bait it. You would never want to text me or talk to me. You'd just be like... No, no, of course I would,

but I wouldn't be involved in it because I know where that's going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't... But I don't think they should go cold turkey. Yeah, you'd meet some guy, like some guy named Roger.

Roger. Roy. One of those R guys. Rick. Oh, he's got a car. He's awesome. All right. Dead Nazi grandpa.

Dear Billy Blohad. There's been a story going around in the news here, another Philly story here in Philly for the past few weeks that I want to hear your opinion on. I'm writing because I know you were a big World War II guy. I was for like two months when I was reading and then I fucking gotten, I don't know, now I'm into fucking quinoa.

Yeah, and then you became obsessed with something else. That's what Bill does. He gets really into something and he's like obsessive about it and then he moves on to the next thing. Which is why I'm a comedian. Why I can't write scripts? Because my mind works in bits.

I take a little bit of information and then I go, oh, there's a spider on the wall. You know, the funny thing is, is that I give you a hard time about that all the time and I'm very similar to that. Finally. Okay, and following this, okay, I know your big World War II guy,

and following this has weirdly made me feel sympathy for an ex-Nazi. So he's been following this story and he feels sympathy for an ex-Nazi. He says, long story short, there was an 89 year old man who had served as a guard in Auschwitz when he was 17.

His mother was born in the United States, so after the war, he moved to the Philadelphia area. He lived here under his original name, and this is June, I guess until June 2013. There was a word missing there. When a Bavarian town passed a law

allowing ex-Nazis to be excommunicated to Germany to face trial, he was eventually arrested and charged with 158 counts of accessory to murder. There was a big argument about it. The guy just died in U.S. prison this week. I got into an argument about this today. Is it fucked up for this guy

to get arrested 70 years later for something he did as a teenager? Even if he is the biggest cunt on the planet, I think the Philly cops have other shit to worry about. It's like that movie, App Pupil. That sounds like App Pupil. Do you remember that movie? Yeah, except this guy was,

he wasn't, he was in a guard tower where that other guy was like a Rudolph Hess more type of a guy. I don't think it's fucked up for you to get arrested for something that you did in your teenage years. If you killed 158 people.

But this is the thing, he's a 17, this is the thing, if he came at it like this and saying, listen, this guy was a teenager, all right, when this madman took over his country, he doesn't have a choice, he has to join the fucking army.

And everybody is like, well, you know, you could say, no, I'm not doing it. And then it's like, then you get your brains blown out. You can't just go, well, fuck it, I'm out of here, it's 17, where are you going to go? Not only is your country completely at war,

the entire continent is at war. And I think it's very easy to not be 17 in the middle of fucking World War II. And for you to sit there and go and like, you know what I would have done? I would have been an angel and I would have done this, this, this, and this, and this.

And it's just like, like I can have empathy for the situation that he was put into. But it's one of those things where it's, I mean, what happened there? I mean, they're prosecuting people. I mean, I don't know, do you think that the 17 year old kid,

I mean, he's a fucking kid. I, the person or the people, that would be very concerned about having this person arrested would be like, All right. You know what's hilarious is that me and Nia just talked about this subject for like fucking 15 minutes

and came to this great place as to why you have to arrest this guy and the fucking batteries wore out. God damn it. I know, I told you, I told you, this is just not, this just ain't my fucking day. So all I can do is paraphrase. Oh God, what a fucking buzzkill.

It's basically kind of what I left off saying. It's like you got to prosecute him because he was part of a war crime. So you have to prosecute him. But I, you know, I was basically making the point that if this kid and Philly, who I don't agree with the way he seems to be defending him.

I'm defending him the way I am. I'm defending that 17 year old kid in this way that everybody, if he was to walk into a, if anybody there was to walk, you know, you guys would have walked into a bar and you were to bring that up and you'd ask people what they would do, what they would have done in that situation.

Everybody's going to be Captain America. Everyone's going to be like, Dude, you know what I would have done? I would have gone. I would have fucking shot him in the face and I would have done that and all this type of shit. And it's just like, you know, and it's very easy to be fucking sitting in a bar

drinking a fucking rolling rock and paint yourself out to be this unbelievable hero and all this shit that you would have done. But like, I think, unfortunately, this kid was born at the wrong fucking time. I don't think that like, I don't, I mean, I really don't think that this, this kid wouldn't, you know, he wouldn't,

do you think that this kid was just an evil kid and he was like psyched to be up in that guard tower? Or is he just, I mean, who knows? Like, I'm not, and I'm not saying that, I'm not saying that. I don't really know that it, I don't really think that it matters, which was my point. I feel like this person's sympathy is misplaced. I'm not talking about him.

I'm talking about me now. Oh, it's about you. Yeah, I'm talking, yeah, I'm talking about my opinion. Which is what? That you can't, because he was 17 years old, chances are he wasn't, he didn't want to do it and he was forced to do it. I'm saying at 17, you're very impressionable.

You can get talk to, you can get brain, like a 30, 35 year old person, 45 year old, 55 year old person, you know, at that point, you know so much more about life. Like people can't come up to you and tell you like, it's very hard, much, very harder for, much more difficult for somebody to come up to you and try to convince you with something

that you know isn't true, that you know is not, and you can spot crazy from a fucking mile away. But what I was talking about, which of course got lost, was what usually, I don't know what it is about people who are smart and people who are like, hey, live and let live, they're, because of that intellect, they're also not, they don't choose violence. And unfortunately that's, you need to fight fire with fire

with the like, well, violence doesn't solve anything. It's like violence would have solved this. Like when you were dealing, when they were first starting to take over and people were choosing self-preservation rather than helping out their neighbors, is what they should have gone out, is they should have gone out and like, I mean, once again, I'm doing this what it could

or should have shit, like, oh dude, you know what I would have done? You should have gone out there, or you should have organized the people on your block, you know, and if you had a Jewish family on your block going like, look, we're all down with, these are our friends, they're not taking them. And if they come down here, you know,

we're fucking taking them out. And if you started that movement, and you started taking them out before they took everybody else out, you could actually stop it. But the thing is, is decent people, regular people, live and let live people, are essentially not organized. And that's the only advantage that they had

was they were walking around, they were organized. And then I think that people choose the cowardly decision of self-preservation. But I don't think self-preservation is cowardly at 17. I think 17, I mean, you were a boy, it's like that Britney Spears, not quite a woman. You're not quite a man then, Nia. And all of a sudden, this fucking event comes along

and you get swept up into it. So, look, if this guy was, let me, that's what I'd say, if this guy was 30 and he was in a guard tower, fuck him. All right, if you're 17 in a guard tower, you still gotta prosecute him. But like, it's not like I'm gonna sit there and be like, dude, you know what I would have done is 17 when the entire continent was at war,

I would have fucking walked to Africa and just left it behind. Like, I mean, I don't know what this kid's, I mean, his option was basically, he had to take a bullet in his own head or go up there. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, I'm out on this one, I think. I'm out.

I mean, I just don't feel like, I don't know, I don't have anything really to contribute anymore to that question other than what I just said, about their sympathy being misplaced. Yeah, I can't seem to have a conversation with you about what I'm saying. You just keep going back to this kid. I'm not saying that this kid, I'm saying what I'm saying.

And I'm actually talking about how a fucking lunatic like Hitler comes into power. He doesn't come into power because he makes sense. He comes into power because all these other people that don't think he makes sense, they choose self-preservation. Okay, he's not going after me, I'm Protestant, he's not going after me, I'm Catholic,

he's not going after me, I'm straight. And the fear of watching your neighbors who you had a fucking cook out with, and you hear them screaming as they get dragged out of the house, and you know you should be doing something, but you don't because of your own self-preservation. I think it's very easy for people to hear this story and be like, oh, the fucking Nazi piece of shit,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. These people as adults would choose self-preservation, who would criticize what this kid did when he was 17. That's my point. My point is not that this is wrong, that they're prosecuting. But I also don't look at this dude who when he was 17, who ended up in that situation, like this was somebody who was clearly making decisions

in his life or even had control over the direction of his life. I mean, there's a reason why you can't drink till you're 21. It's because the level of immaturity you have. You think this kid at 17 has the fucking maturity to be able to handle what's going on, walking down the street and seeing people hanging from, you know, by piano wire and that type of thing?

I mean, it's just another ruined life because of this fucking psycho. Could you agree with that? Yeah, I could see that for sure. All right, this is way too heavy a fucking topic to be discussing here. So that's basically the gist of what we do. Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe it's just too, maybe it's just too early. It's too heavy. I don't know. Maybe I'm still asleep and I can't quite get into it. How much, after what meal during the day, can you discuss former guard tower, Nazi guard tower kids? More of an after lunch conversation, I think. Okay.

All right, well, that's the podcast for this week. Jesus Christ, the levels just went up. Sorry about that. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you for everybody for listening. Thank you for writing in. Thank you to the great Tony V for giving me that great intro up in Montreal.

Thank you to the Montreal Comedy Festival. Everybody who came out and that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. I'll be all right. Whenever you need somebody, I'll bring my love to you. You don't have to say you love me. I just want to be with you.

Whenever you need somebody, I'll bring my love to you. You don't have to say you love me. I just want to be with you. I'll bring my love to you. I just want to be with you. I'll bring my love to you. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital.

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