Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-29-21
00:00Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon justbefore Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on ya. I'm just checkingto see if you can still pee. If you're old like me, you can't. I'm kidding. Anyway,what's going on? Nice to be here. Nice to be here. I saw something on the internet.I cannot get to a fucking standup stage fast enough. It was just such a gift from the comedygods. I don't even know what angle to drop it. It's just every fucking angle is funny.Well, I got to tell you the topic. Some fucking idiot guy hooked himself up to a car batteryso he could see what it felt like to deliver a baby. I mean, just, I mean, sometimes you
00:58got to dig for the comedy, and other times it's just presented on a pillow. One of themroyal pillows, right? Somebody comes in dressed with his fucking socks yanked up to his knees,you know, the little puffy pants. Yeah, you are, sir. Ten minutes of fucking material.Unbelievable. Unfucking believable. Jesus Christ. It's just, it's, I can't, you know, but I'mactually, I'm going to a wedding this weekend. Oh, Billy, twinkle toes is going to be onthe dance floor. Oh my God, a white man sober at a fucking wedding. Oh, being dragged outon the dance floor. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. If I could just get through that, I thinkI'll be all right. Can I ask you a question? Why isn't it okay with people that dance that
01:54other people don't dance? Why can't they just leave us alone? Why can't you just leave?I'm having a good time. I don't need to be twirling around fucking ripping my suit orwhatever the fuck it is you're doing. You're good at it. That's just, that's what you shouldbe doing. Fantastic. Why do I have to fucking go out there? I don't want to go out there.Can I just sit over here and just fucking, you know, have something to eat, talk to somebody.Got to go out there like fucking Fred is there and fucking jumping around polls and shit.I mean, I just don't understand. I just do not understand why that is a part of a wedding.Like a required part of it. Like if I showed up, you know, I wore the suit. I applaud it.
02:39I brought a gift. Nope. You don't get credit unless you get out. Take those old recordsoff the shelf. Why? Jesus Christ. Then your fucking chick gets mad if you don't fuckinggo out there. Come on out here. I don't. Do I get mad at you when you don't want to goto a football game? You say it's boring. I like the grass. The grass is pretty. Do Igo like, oh, I am like so fucking mad at you right now. It's like, I get it. You don'twant to do this shit. I will never do this to you again. Nope. I've been joking withmy wife all week. I'm like, I'm not doing it. Okay. I'm in therapy right now and my,I'm going to make my, for the first time in my life, my nose are going to mean no. I am
03:27not, I am not drinking for long. No, it was kidding. I'm going to get out there. I'llhave a good time, but I'm just fucking, I refuse to try. You know, you want me to goout there? I'll go out there. Okay. It's, I just, I don't understand it. I just don't.I've never understood it. It's like you go to a bar. There's drinking. There's darts.You know, you, if you're going and you get shitfaced, you're fine. You know, if you didn'tplay darts, you know, you still get credit for drinking. You can still get pulled overfor drinking and driving. People at the bar are like, Hey, come on, get out of here. Getout of here. Throw the fucking darts. Come on. It's fun. Right. It's just like, why can't
04:13I just fucking, why can't you just let me be the socially introverted mess that I am?Can't you just let me be that? Oh Christ. It's unbelievable. Um, but you know what?It's the balance of life because the comedy gods gave me that fucking moron. Oh my God.Oh, I cannot. I can't, I can't fucking wait. I mean, like, there's like jokes in my actthat are going to have to be removed. They're going to lose a spot in the lineup. I can'twait with the thoughts that I have about that. I just cannot wait to get all of that outof me. And the next couple of nights, you know, is the whole, the whole wedding. Youknow, I just found out too that, you know, my wife is like, okay, this, I'm wearing this
05:01for the, for the rehearsal dinner and I'm wearing this for the wedding. What do you think? I'mlike, it's great. I need two outfits. She's like, yeah, it's, it's the night. All right.Okay, I can fix that. I'm going to do the old one suit, two shirt fucking move. How youlike that? White shirt, black shirt, white shirt, black shirt, red fish, blue fish. That'swhat it was. Dr. Seuss books. That's what I'm doing. That's what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah. Ijust want to go there and have a good time the way I have a good time. Okay. The way Ido it. Okay. But for some reason, these, these happy people that had pleasant childhoods,want to drag you into the fairy tale of their life. And you just like, just, can you just
05:53respect what I came up with? All right. I'm just fucking around. But I would be lying to youif I didn't say, I don't have a little anxiety. It's, you know, but not as much anxiety. I'msitting there fucking, you know, watching the goddamn Olympics and all these, you know,all of these people, what's going on the way they say the Russians are banned, but they'restill there. It's just like, has the world just gone fucking crazy? It's like they're banned.They're not there. Look at this guy. He looks like he's Russian. Could he be Russian? So whogives a shit? Who gives a shit if they go there and win and they're playing for another country? Whocares? Who gives a fuck? Like, who gives a fuck if Russia won all the medals?
06:50Aren't we past? Who gives a fuck? Oh, are you better at badminton than we are? I don't give afuck if the Russians are better at us than badminton. I give a shit if they're coming over thewall and they're pissed. Those guys are fucking crazy. You know, you want to go fucking, youknow, beat somebody at ping pong? Oh, can you do the backstroke better than some guy from fuckingCzechoslovakia? I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'll watch it. I'll enjoy it. I don'tunderstand. Why are they banned? That's stupid. That's like taking Darth Vader out of a fuckingStar Wars movie. Now what do you got? Why are the Russians banned? Are the Russians banned?How do you spell banned? I'm spelling banned like you want to start a band, man?
07:54Okay. I don't know what happened. It just like crossed out half the shit I wrote.2019, the World Anti-Doping Agency, banned Russians from all international sporting competitions.They just can't get sober over there, can they? Including the Olympics for four years over adoping scandal. What is this, that 900th? They're like the fucking USC of countries.The punishment was cut in half two years ago by the court of arbitration for sport following a2020. What, they give you some plutonium? Hey, can you make this go away? Italian accent forfucking Russians? I don't know why, Bill. All right. A 2020 appeal and now ends in December 2022.All right. What was the dope? Why are the Russian athletes competing at the Tokyo Olympics despite
08:55the country's ban? Sporting authorities do not want to punish clean athletes or cut off the money.Oh yeah. If they're clean, that's fine. You know, somebody next to me in class flunks,but I pass. Why should I have to do that? Why should I have to do that?Fine. You know, somebody next to me in class flunks, but I pass. Why should I have to goto summer school too? You like how I passed the class in that scenario? The reality was,I was the guy going to summer school. When is an international Olympic team not an internationalOlympic team? When it's the Russian Olympic committee? Officially, Russia is banned. Oh,B-A-N-N-E-D. Not B-A-N-D-E-D. Banded. Such a dope. From competing in Tokyo for previous doping
09:48offenses. Give me drugs. Give me drugs. But viewers would be forgiven for thinking otherwise. A teamof 335 athletes from Russia is competing under the name of the ROC. What does that stand?Russian oxy-cocaine heads. Russian oxy-cocaine heads. I'm sorry. Wearing white, blue, and reduniforms and winning plenty of medals. Russia, I mean, you gotta love that. I mean, I gotta love,you know, some punk rock about that, some rebellious. I like it. Russia has repeatedly violatedanti-doping laws. Have the rules been tough enough? At the Winter Olympics in Vancouver in 2010,Russia won 15 medals, putting its 11th in the table. The fuck does that mean? Four years later,in the Russian resort of Sochi, it came in first with 30 medals. They were working out day and
10:50night, those guys. Some of this improvement could be down to home advantage. Australia, China,and Britain each improved their medal halls when they hosted the summer games in recent years. ButRussian athletes received a more subtle leg up in the form of an extensive state-sponsoreddoping program. What a fucking thing to waste drugs on. Let's see who can fucking ski fasterdown a fucking hill. It's so dumb. Why don't they cure paralysis? What are we doing? It's sofucking dumb. I like the Olympics. I like watching it. And I like seeing somebody winand be happy. And I feel sad when somebody blows it, regardless of what country they're from.You know what I mean? Enlisted playing like a real sport, like hockey, basketball, you know.
11:47I used to like U.S. basketball until they let the NBA guys play. I can't get into it.Although the European teams are good now, so maybe it's good. Maybe we up the level, I guess.I don't fucking know. I don't know a lot of things. All right. I don't know much, but I don't give afuck if you win a medal. All right. More sad news. More sad news. Rest in peace. Joey Jordanson,the incredible drummer from Slipknot,just gone way, way, way too soon. I don't know. Was he 45, 46 years old?I mean, talk about a guy that just influenced, I don't know how many, like probably two fullgenerations of kids to play double bass, all these kids you see playing blindingly fast.
12:46You know, he's part of that whole, you know, Lars, Dave Lombardo, all of those guys, that whole legacy,those speed metal drummers, which, you know, I was more of a hair metal guy. I got into thisshit a little bit later, but Jesus Christ. Such sad, sad news. And Dusty Hill from ZZ Top,who I couldn't believe was 71, 72 years old, sent me down this friggin, I don't know.What do they call it? Rabbit Hole. I'm just seeing how many musicians are dead from the 80s. Don'tever do that to yourself if you're my age. My God. There were so many people. I didn't know the guywho was saying, I fucking saw it. I didn't know he was dead. A lot of fucking dead people, man.30 years goes by. A lot of people die. There you go, Bill. That was brilliant. Thank you.
13:40That's why we listened to the podcast. That was such a stupid statement.A lot of musicians, 30 years is a musician seemed to age in dog years, man. This is just being onthe fucking road, especially those older guys, man, because they were sort of the lab ratsdoing the road. Nobody knew. Nobody knew. I don't even think the Betty Ford cliniccame out until Betty Ford, right? I mean, how many times did Betty Ford have to make anass of herself before? That's when you know you're fucked up, when they named the clinic after you.I mean, that is a first ballad hall of fame drunk. You know what? Give it up for Betty Ford.I bet she was fun to drink with.
14:37Yeah, Dusty Hill, great, unbelievable band, ZZ Top, and one of the tightest bands you'd ever see.And I was actually listening to them today, and there was a song that they were playing,and it literally sounded like Slow Down Pantera. I think it's those are two of the tightest bandsever. And they were both in a way a power trio, except Pantera had the extras. They didn't have a,you know, the guitar player didn't sing lead. So all right, I think I've made enough of anass of myself. So rest in peace, Joey Jordanson and Dusty Hill. Yeah, man, just with all these people,Jeff LeBar, all these people dying, it's just taken me back. I actually, you know, been watchingthese old concerts, and then I'm just looking at all of this shit. And it's like, Bill, you have
15:27to fucking understand that when you were in the 1980s, and you look back at the 1950s,how long ago that seemed, that's what kids today are kind of looking at the 80s as that's how longago that was. It's actually now we were basically what would have been in my life like 1991 forthese kids is 2021. That made any fucking sense. The math made sense in my head. That's how wellthat's what I do. I always take it back to the 80s, or the 90s, right? If I think about the 70s,like, what does that feel like to a kid today? That's 20. I just go back to when I was 20 1988,right? If you went back, you know, 40 years, that'd be 1948. But that's a fuckingcenturies ago to a young kid. You just don't realize it. Because if you like me, you know,
16:22somewhere around like, I don't know, 19, you stop learning. So you just feel like you're in the samegrade. And all of a sudden, like four fucking decades goes by. Anyway, I went to the gym,still crushing it. I haven't been doing so good with the diet. I got off the diet a little bit,but I've still been crushing it, at least going to the gym. And I've been eating like, I'd say,but instead of eating perfectly, I've been eating like, you know, 80% well, but it's hard. You know,my daughter wakes up, yeah, can you make me some pancakes? I'm like, yeah, how do you make pancakesfor one fucking person? You can't do it, right? And then my wife's like, I'm not eating those.I can't. I'm doing my diet. She's crushing it on her diet. So I'm like, well, we're going away
17:07for the weekend. You know, I always say, you know, I hear on the Rogan podcast, he puts butter in hiscoffee before he works out. Is that what he does? I'll put butter on my pancakes. You know,I'll put a little syrup on it. So I kind of skip into the gym today. So I went in that today,I did legs, legs and eggs. Hey guys, come on down to Foxy lady for legs and eggs. I'll neverforget that being in a dental office. And we had easy list. I don't know what's fucking station,we couldn't have an easy listening. They're advertising a fucking titty bar is with fillingsomebody's tooth and the guys whispering on the radio, like, like your, your wife couldn't hearin the car. Hey guys, come on down this Thursday to the Foxy lady for legs and eggs,
17:50like sneak down for breakfast and stare at another woman's snatch while you have a bacon, egg andcheese biscuit. And then you can go to work hating yourself. Carl, is everything all right with you?Oh yeah, I just didn't sleep well last night. You sure you didn't go to a titty bar and look at othervaginas while having a breakfast biscuit, made a black bean burger whole batch of those things.Got a really good recipe for it. But I think, you know, they hate when they go cook it 10 to 15minutes. They said bake the beans for like fucking 10 to 15 minutes. So it's not all watery and soggy,but 10 to 15 minutes is literally like an extra third. And I just think I cooked it too fucking long,just sort of dried the shit out a little bit. So next time I'll do it like eight to 10 minutes.
18:51And I'll add a couple more things that needed a little citrus in there, though I can tell youthat, but won't fucking cook them as long either in the pan. But whatever, they're healthy. But doingthat, you know, went out with my wife the other night to some little social event. We played bingo.Oh God, what happened in my life? Actually had a great time doing that.Or something healthy. And got the fuck out of there when they brought the chocolate chip cookiesand shit around in the end. I, you know, I didn't, I didn't partake. So I go to the gym today. I dothe legs. Right. I start with the calves. I work my way up. A lot of people work their way down.You know, they start with glutes, then they go to the thighs, then they go to the calves,
19:32then they do the little twinkle toes, right? That's not how I do it. I start with the toes,right? Up, down, up, down, up, down. Then I go to the calf, seated calf machine.Hell you up. Thing off to the side. Bank, dush, bank, dush, bank, dush, right? Do three fuckingsets of those. All right. I wipe it off. COVID, you know, as I stare down someone else at thegym, like, did you catch that action over here, sweetheart? All right. Then I end up with thefucking NASA squat machine. You know, I'm not doing that shit standing up where I got to havethe bar on my shoulder. I'm not doing the one where I'm laying down. I like the one where it'slike you're in one of the first fucking, uh, the hatch just blew like the fucking the original
20:17we're going to the moon, right? Or a soundstage in Houston, depending on what fucking part of theinternet you're on. That one, the hack squat. I do that. I do not lock my legs out. You do notlock your legs. You lock your legs that tendon on the back of your fucking knees going to wreak havocon you. Dush bank, dush bank, dush bank, dush bank, fucking three sets of those. Wipe it down.And then I sit down and then I do the fucking, it's basically the triceps of your legs,the front part, your lap. I get on the lap machine. You know,I'm playing sand at the mall this year. I got to make sure I can handle these fat kids sittingon my fucking thighs. Do all my sciatic nerve to fucking act up again. So I bang those out and
21:08then I get on the fucking elliptical and I try to do 7,000, whatever steps in 45 minutes.And I try to get north of 600 calories. That's what I do. And but what old freckles did was Iforgot to bring the backup t-shirt for the car ride home. So, you know, I'm fucking, you know,I look like somebody took a garden hose to me. So fortunately, you know, the gym sells stuff andI bought all of their t-shirts because I keep forgetting. So only thing left that I didn'thave was the tank top. Now I have not worn a tank top since the fucking 80s. All right.Hey now. Hey now. So I put the tank top on it. Oh my God. I look like I could, I like grandmotherarms. There was nothing cut, nothing defined freckles as far as the eye could see. You know,
22:06and it was a large tour to still tight around my cunt belly. I just fucking,you know what I look like? I look like the guy, you know, when the cops come to the door,I look like the guy who answered the door. Jesus Christ. I fucking hate myself. I gotta lose thisfucking weight. Then tonight was like movie night and I watched Wally with my daughter and she wantsto learn how to make popcorn. I made the popcorn and then I had a root bear. Stupid. I gotta getback on it, man. But you know, I am at least going to the gym. I was eating like that,not even going to the gym. And I became old fucking Michelin man, Bill, you know,you would think I would have got a call from them, you know, and maybe advertise on the podcast.
22:50Used to be Mr. Clean, you know, that guy was fucking shredded his bald fucking head. But youknow, the guy filled out a t-shirt, you wouldn't call that guy Baldi, would you? There was somethingreally fucking like, you know, don't fuck with me about Mr. Clean. You know what I mean? He,the guy had a vibe. It's like Yule Brenner, you know, in Westworld, original.All right. This is what I should have done. This is what I should have done. Had I known I neededanother suit, I would have gone to Indochino. The right outcome. Share a story of the time youfelt confident with the look you put together. Oh, when I did the, when I was presenting on theGrammys and I thought it was going to be on TV, I felt so confident until I walked into a sound
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30:29know I got to read that. All right, well look at that. It's 30 minutes just like that. Now I canpack for the wedding. All right. Get down. I'm going to have a good time. I'll tell you when Igo to weddings, that's when I really wish I was still drinking. You know what I mean? Just gettingup there talking shit. Fucking it up for everybody else. I'm kidding. Yeah, this is the time of night.I still feel like getting fucked up. What time is it right now? Oh, 9.51. Kids are in bed.You know, finish the podcast. It's that time of day when you can say come on and head for themountains. The taste is smooth with 27 shots of booze. But I'm not going to do it. Oh Jesus Christ.You know, I did a gig recently and these people sent me a bottle of whiskey backstage, you know,
31:33and I was just looking at it going, you know, I remember a time. I'd finish half of that.I wouldn't feel good the next morning, but the time I had drinking it. Oh, that would be fun.All right. Let's stop reminiscing about mistakes I made. All right. That is the podcast everybody.All right.Enjoy the Olympics. I think it's great that Russia showed up anyway.You know, and that evidently Japan was too afraid to tell him to go home.It makes no sense. But I do like that like, well, hey, man, I didn't do drugs.All right. I am a drug free ping pong player. Kind of fucking drugs to, you know, I don't
32:25understand some of these, some of these fucking sports, you know, like skid, like nobody's on drugs.Oh, I mean, it's okay. Skateboarders are on drugs, but not to enhance skating. It doesn't makeyou a better skater, right? They're just on drugs.Really, Bill? Are you going to perpetuate? I am. God damn it. They're all over the fucking office park.I'm kidding. I've never had a problem with skateboarders. It's funny when you draw backin the day when you would drive up the street and they'd be out on the street and they wouldjust be looking for a fight. It's like, dude, skateboard. I'm, I'm, they had skateboards whenI was a kid. Okay, I'm not, it's isn't like whatever fucking Dogtown and Z-Boy movie you read.
33:14Okay. I was on those things. I know what it feels like to fall off one of those fucking things.All right. I built the ramps. I fell down. I scraped my fucking knees and elbows. I banged.I know what the sound of my head hitting the fucking asphalt sounds like. All right.I stuck with, I stayed on the grass. I got back on the grass. All right. Stop staring at me likeI'm fucking Hugh Bobon coming home. All right. That's it, everybody. Enjoy the musicpicked out by Andrew Thumbliss. And then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon,just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'm reallyenjoying the swimming. And yeah, I think that's all there. I just, you know, I put it on at the
33:56same time. I just keep catching the swimming. And I wish they would do the overhead view.More often of the race, because not only can you, you can still see who's in the lead,but you can also see how unbelievably fast they're going. Like this swimming fast enoughthat like if they were a boat in, in like a harbor, a little harbor area, you know,those little, little fucking things, I'm not a boat guy, you know, where there's a speed you'resupposed to be going or you cause too much of a little fucking wave. You cause somebody's boatto bump against the dock like that. You know, if they were a boat, they'd be getting yelled at.That's how fast they're going. Yeah, Bill. Let's see Olympics. Well, whatever. I was impressed.
34:37They didn't have that angle when I was a kid. Jesus Christ, you know, go fucking ride yourskateboard. Have a great weekend, everybody. See you.Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 29th,2013. How you doing? I'm on the road right now. I'm currently in New Orleans and I brought allmy podcast stuff with me, but of course I was kidding who I went to summer school.I should have gone three out of the four years I went to high school. I should have actuallygone all four years, but one year my math teacher gave me the D minus and then my senior year waskind of like, well, what's the fucking point? But for the record, I should have gone four times
36:06all four years. And for those of you listening overseas, basically summer school, if you don'thave it over there is basically you fucked up so bad they gave you 10 months to get yourshit together. And evidently that wasn't enough for you. So no swimming, no biking, no experimentaldrugs for you. And you have to go to fucking summer school. So next week, I will have a powercourt here. I am in New Orleans right now. And I'm starting my acting gig. I'm going to be herefor the next couple to three weeks. So yeah, I hope these levels are all right. I don't know howto fucking adjust them on this garage band thing. That's what I'm recording in. You know, it'sit's the usual bullshit. I just I just don't get along with technology. I like to think I didn't
36:59start it. Maybe I did. Maybe I did start it by just, you know, you know, what my problem was,I thought it was just a fad. You know, I thought computers and this new technology and shit,I just thought it was some I just I looked at it as an extension to video games. I looked at it,it was just a time sponge. I don't want to do that shit. I want to go out and go fucking dosomething. You know, and, uh, you know, I think we can say at this point that I was wrong. Iremember when I was living with Bobby Kelly, dude, check out my new laptop, dude. It weighs 47 pounds,dude. Back in 1995 or 96 or whatever the fuck we lived together and he was he just jumped all overthat shit. And what was funny is I was smarter than Bobby Kelly in 1995. And 18 years later,
37:55he is way smarter than I am because my just I just I don't there's just something right out rightup right out of the gate that I just did not like about computers. I just didn't like it.You know, I remember back in high school when they had like the fucking piece of paper wascoming out of the things and, you know, you had to, you know, what the fuck computer programming.I was just sitting there like I would rather dig for fossils than fucking sit here anotherminute typing in run, enter whatever the fuck we were doing. And it was it was not fun on anyfucking level. So anyways, I'm not going to lie to you. I mean, I wasn't ever really that smart,but I wasn't a fucking moron. But my lack of embracing computers, I feel like in an odd way
38:45I've gone from being literate to completely fucking illiterate. I get unbelievably frustrated withthem. And you know, I do you know, I do with my computer a lot. I grab it. I pick the fucking thingup. And I hold it over my head, like fucking Hulk Hogan, when he's going to slam a chair againstsomebody's fucking sweaty back. And I bite my bottom lip. Now I never do it because it costsso much fucking money. But I swear to God, one of these times I just want to do it once.Just one time. But I know instantly I'll regret it. But I just I apologize for thepoor quality of this podcast. So I'm going to try to speak in regular speaking tones.I won't do my usual fucking with the microphone, which is my crutch to make this podcast remotely
39:31entertaining. And also I'm in a mental hotel room. And if those of you who's listened to mypodcast for a long time, remember when I was stuck in New Jersey, during that fucking hurricane orwhatever the hell was going on, I was a little too loud and security came, I don't feel like doingthat. All right. It's one thing if I'm out on the road and I'm just doing a comedy gig who gives afuck, right? I'm a I'm a made guy in strip mall comedy clubs. So I can piss off the front desk.But as far as this act and shit goes, I'm a newbie. So I don't feel like I don't feel like,you know, screwing things up right out of the gate. So I'm going to try to behave myselfas much as humanly possible. But I was also thinking, you know, I want to get better computers.
40:13And I also want to this does that sound dumb? Am I even saying that wrong? I won't be goodcomputer. I won't do do computer better. Complete shithead. You know, something what does it sayabout you that you're actually fucking listening to this? You know, I don't know why you're listeningto why at this point you really should hit stop and fucking delete it or whatever. But you know,I'm not here to tell you what to do. So anyways, I'd like to become more proficient when it comesto the computer sciences. Is that I'm supposed to say it gives a fuck. And also I would I wouldlike to quit dicking around on the computer. I found out the other day you need like 40 50 hours.That's all you need 40 50 hours and you'll know how to fly a plane. I mean, you got the classroom
40:58shit too. But as far as just like learning how to fly the fucking thing. Somebody told me the otherday, I don't know, I was talking about the motorcycle license thing. I was gloating that I finallyfucking got one. And you know, it's it was fucking hilarious as I'm actually afraid to go out and goride a bike down the street. But whatever, I got one. I got him. I got I got the fucking thing. Sothis person was telling me that they that they had a pilot's license, how it's fucking coolthing to do. And I was like, how many hours and he said, well, by 10 hours in, you can pretty muchfly the fucking thing. He goes, obviously, you know, you could horrifically screw up, but you'reproficient enough where you could get yourself up off the ground before you flew into the side of
41:41somebody silo. But that I was just that just has been sticking with me all week. That if I spent10 hours doing that, I would actually, you know, if God forbid I was ever on some fucking doingsome hell gig, or I'm flying one of those fucking planes, you know, in one of those planes withlike the water skis, and the guy has a fucking aneurysm and I got 10 hours out of my belt, Icould fucking crawl up there. You know, you'll be funny about that is you'd actually have to sit onthe guy's lap. If it was a really cramped little ass plane with like the one seat and shit, you'dhave to do that. You'd have to push through whatever your level of homophobia is, you know,depending, you know, depending if he had it on automatic pilot, which I don't even know if you
42:30had, do you have that option on one of those little fucking planes? What's the deal with planes?I mean, are they just like cars where you can buy the Ford escort of planes? What the fuck wouldyou do that? Hey, do you want the you want the rest proofing? That's fine. That's all just takeit as I'll buy right off the lot. Thank you. Um, vinyl interior. Anyways, so I was just thinkinghow much time I spend just wasting, you know, watching people getting kicked in the balls,all the porn I have to sift through to find something that even remotely turns me on atthis point, because I've watched so much of that fucking shit. You know, last porno I watched,I actually apologized to the three women that were in it when I was done.
43:22I swear to God. You know, I was just like, ah, Jesus Christ, what am I, I'm sorry, ladies. I'msorry, your dad didn't stick around. I was just dreadful. You know, whatever, you'll see it somedayif I ever decide to run for president, you know, and if I don't fall in line, the fucking NSA will.Hey, this is what he jerks off to. Um, anyway, you know, some, you know, it's pissing me offis the amount of people who aren't supporting that Snowden guy. I think there's a lot of people.I'm going to go out and limb here and I'm going to say there's a lot of people that don't likeit in spite on, you know, think it's completely unnecessary and think that and view that Snowdenguy as a whistleblower, not as some sort of traitor. But you, you just know that you can't
44:07say that you can't say that shit on TV. And, uh, that's not a 9 11 thing. That's a fucking postVietnam thing. I was thinking about that the other day where they had everybody was singing songs,saying, you know, protesting against the war, not saying whether it was right or not. But youcould do that back then and you didn't get that Dixie check treatment, you know, that shit wherethey were like, well, they had the right to sing it and we have the right to disapprove of it. It'slike, yeah, yeah, you do say I didn't appreciate that fuck them. But when you take it to the level,you try to systematically destroy their ability to make, to earn a living. Then, uh, you know,that's not tit for tat. That's like, Hey, I threw a rock at you and you dropped the fucking bomb on
44:53me. Hey, Bill, why don't you get to some topical material from this fucking decade? All right,sorry. Um, the hell was I talk? I didn't know what I was talking about. I got so self consciousthat I was somehow talking about the Dixie. Oh yeah. Yeah. Back in the day, you could, you couldfucking, you know, you could say, uh, you know, you could say things and it wasn't all tied into,you know, supporting troops and loving babies and, uh, being pro ice cream and against theterrorist. It's like, it's fucking, uh, it's really childish. It's really, really childish errorthat we're living in. And it's gradually seeping into what it is that I do for a living wherethere's these complete, uh, nincompoops. Can I use that word that are deciding to go to comedy shows
45:39and take jokes seriously? I mean, how old are you? I can't, I can't, um,what are you going to do next? Go to the circus and watch the clown hit another clown with a rubberhammer and that's promoting violence. He could get a concussion. No more rubber hammers at thecircus. And what the fuck is wrong when you grow up? You know what I mean? I love how they thinkthat like comedians have this, this fucking level of power that they're going to do a joke. Okay.And that people in the crowd are so fucking stupid that that's going to form their worldview.You know, like if I did a joke that was like pro chopping somebody's fucking hand off,I, are you really telling me that there's people out there that are so fucking stupid
46:32that they're going to walk into a comedy show before they walked in? They had no desire to doit and felt that doing that to another human being was a terrible thing to do. But then onceI make a joke about it, all of a sudden there's going to be a bunch of people walking aroundchopping people's hands off because I joked about it. It's, it's, it's unbelievably fucking childishand it's condescending. And, uh, I don't know. I just keep seeing more and more of that type ofshit. Um, by the way, for people to get up in arms about some of those jokes, uh, that one,because I don't want to feed the fire here, but you know, that one topic that you're talking aboutalso could happen to a man, you know, so I don't know why you feel like it's, it's just yours.
47:20I was actually joking about that on stage. I'll burn the bit. It won't give the fuck. You know whatit is? At least when it happens to them, people give a shit. If it happens to a guy, they, peopleliterally think it's funny. They laugh. You know, I remember when that dude got his dick cut offby his wife, he was cheating on his wife and she cut his dick off and she threw it in the garbagedisposal and turned it on. And there was one of those shows that was ripping off the view. It'sthe one that has the Asian lady. I don't even know if it's still on, but they were talking about itand they were snickering. You know what I mean? It was fucking funny to them. It's horrific if itwas. They found humor in it. So I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.
48:10Let's, let's do a little, little advertising here. I'm sorry about the clicking of the,whatever this fucking button's called. I'm sure Bobby knows what it's called. I bet he's,I bet he has some, the latest one. Dude, I got the latest fucking Steve job fuckingspacebar thing dude. I said it, Bobby Kelly, smarter than me. We're actually doing a two-mancomedy show off, off Broadway called Bobby Kelly, smarter than me. It's kind of like a GeorgeByrne Sunshine Boys type of thing. By the way, Robert Kelly, if you guys were up in Canada,I heard he murdered it up at the Montreal Comedy Festival. All right, but enough about that cunt.Let's talk about the Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Dollar Shave, Shave Club,
48:56it's a cool brand. I hate how they do this, has made me so much happier about shaving. No,it hasn't. Okay, it's fucking convenient. I totally recommend it. Stop putting fucking words in mymouth. Anyways, Dollar Shave Club, everybody has made my life way more convenient. It's acool brand and they send you quality razors right to your door every month. You don't even have tothink about it. You don't even have to wait in line. You don't have to get someone to unlockthat cage for you, like they're taking out a bar of gold. You don't have to pay way too much moneyfor a bunch of features that don't even fit on your old handle. All right, shaving has becomesuch a mess. Okay, it's a complete ripoff. All right, they're snake oil salesmen. It's a little
49:38plastic piece of crap with, with, like, it's not even aluminum. I don't even know what it is in there.Okay, it's a piece of crap and they've been charging you an arm and a leg for it. Well,who's coming to the rescue Dollar Shave Club? All right, I want you to go out and try it.I dare you to try this product and tell me you're not satisfied with it. What do you think aboutthat? See that? Advertisers, I don't need you to write words for me. Well, this part I do. Supportthis show. Go to Dollar Shave Club forward slash burr or click burr or click on the Dollar ShaveClub banner on the podcast page of billburr.com. All right, then you don't have to deal with it.You don't have to deal with it anymore. No more standing in line for one of those old people,
50:19you know, going to some understaffed CVS, trying to find somebody who actually can walk away fromthe cash register slash like ice cream. You know what's funny, old people buy ice cream in likepharmacies, you know, they don't care. They don't need it to be hog and dust. Is there dairy in there?Is it cold? Well, put it on a cone, you fucking cunt. All right, sorry. Most of this rage has todo with the fact that I feel like an idiot that I didn't bring the power strip thing or whatever.It's not a power strip, the plug-in thingy that goes into the back of the doohickey.All right, so now you don't have to buy, you know, you don't have to worry about buying,what do you call them? Blades for your shaver? Shaving blades? Is that what they're called? I
51:05don't know. Wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to deal with that? You also didn't have to go tothe post office. Well, why don't you go to stamps.com? You know, quit staring at the lamp, grab the reins.Are you life? All right, postage meter companies used to have a monopoly on printing postage.They could charge you an arm and a leg to print postage from your own office. But those days are over,over. Like Michael Corleone said, Corleone, is that what he's, wow. Now you can use stamps.cominstead. With stamps.com, get all the benefits of a postage meter, but at a fraction of the cost.All you need is your computer, your printer, and stamps.com to get official U.S. postage for anyletter or package any class of mail. It's so damn convenient. Plus, you'll never have to step foot
51:52inside of a crowded post office again. All right, this is your whole Saturday morning, right? Payingyour bills, driving down to the post office, standing in line, and then you go over to CVS to buyyour shaving blades. You don't need to do this anymore. All right? Get with the times, man.Everything you do at the post office, you can do right from your desk. It's so convenient. Allright, I use stamps.com to send out all my merch for when I whore myself out after my shows. Andyou guys know how dumb I am. So if I can do it, anybody can do it. Right now, use my last name,Burr, for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer. That includes a digital scaleand up to $55 free postage. What more do you need? Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do
52:33anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R,that's stamps.com, enter Burr. All right, back to the podcast, and I apologize for the click.All right, where the hell am I here? Oh, this is what I did before I came to New Orleans. Idid the first leg of the Billy Red State tour with limited edition t-shirts. And these aren'tlimited editions. They're only going to be sold on the Red State tour unless I don't sell all of them,at which point they'll be available to everybody. You see that? That's called honesty and advertising.But anyways, I went to Boise, Idaho, and then I drove up to Bozeman, Montana,it was like an unbelievably great seven, eight hour drive. Could have done it in six, but we
53:26were stopping along the way. Me and Lucas Sealy, a comedian I met back in the day when I used to dothis guy's room, Giggles Comedy Club, that no longer exists, sadly. It was such a great club,and I loved that club owner, man. He was such a character. The first weekend I worked with thisguy, he came out and gave me a shoebox full of like fives, 10s, ones, like it was my money for theweek. It was thinking that I was just going to have that under my arm and go walk throughfucking airport security and not look like a fucking, like I was dealing crack, you know?I still remember it was one of those boxes that you put baseballs in.And he had all, he had the piece of paper to say how many comps there were. He had all the
54:13information. He had it in a shoebox and it looked like, it looked like he was trying to raise moneyfor kidney dialysis, you know, or maybe he was playing the banjo on the sidewalk and everybodyjust threw money in there every which way. And I don't know, back then I hadn't read about banks.Today I probably would have taken it. I would have counted it out.I would have taken it, but then at the end of the day it's just a piece of fucking paper.So anyways, but it was such a great room and I had so many fun shows when I was there and alongthe way I met, you know, a bunch of great comps. They had a great scene there in Seattle. I hopethey still do. Haven't been there in a minute, but I met this dude, Lucas Sealy. So we did
54:58Boise, Idaho the first night, which was right on the campus of Boise State University. For somereason I didn't realize that that's where I was performing and it was phenomenal. I took video.I couldn't get into the stadium, but I was in the corner of the end zone. I saw a little bit of thaticonic blue turf and I know a lot of people from the bigger schools will give me shit for callingit iconic. Well, fuck you, all right? And your goddamn fucking, your school songs that all soundthe same. You know, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.The same guy, right? All of those fucking songs. And that was the only three that you know, right?The LSU, when I recognize it, when I hear it, you know, it's funny being down here in New Orleans.
55:53I keep forgetting I'm here. So every time I see an LSU shirt, I like light up and I'm gonna be like,hey, LSU, huh? LSU. I keep stopping myself from saying that. That'd be like in Boston, but hey,Red Sox, right? Red Sox? Oh, by the way, I'm slowly, I'm back into baseball. I don't know whathappened. I just been on the road and I've been watching games and I've been watching like the,I've been watching the half nuts, you know, been watching the Royals, been watching the Indians,who actually are the halves. They just can't hang like hang on to their guys.I've already given you that theory why they should have an Honorary World Seriesfucking trophy. You know, Phillies, the Yankees, the Red Sox, we all stole all of their fucking guys.
56:42Didn't steal them, but whatever, you know what it is.I use them as a farm team. It's bullshit. I like them. I like the Indians. I like theRoyals. I like the Pirates. I like the, the Devil Rays. They lost some points by calling themselvesthe Rays. That's another childish fucking thing. How old are you? Devil Rays? That's evil. It'sgoing to make kids evil. You know, why don't you just call them the pussies? How about that? Wouldthat be, you know, the Tampa Bay after you? Why don't you just call it that? No, no, no, no, no.You, you eat the last slice. The, the, just, I don't know. The Tampa Bay, it was a pleasure meetingyous, yous. Um, sorry. Anyways, let's get back to this shit. So I, um,
57:39both shows, I don't know what was, what got into me. I, I hadn't done stand up in a minute. I'vebeen busy, um, writing some other shit and, um, I did two of the long, I think the two longest setsI've ever done. I did like 90 minutes and I never do that, you know, because I watched thecommittee one time, do two hours and I was sitting in the crowd and right at an hour, I startedlooking at my watch and by like an hour 25, my ass was falling asleep. So I apologized to peoplein Boise and Bozeman. I was just having a great fucking time and I was really excited about comingup there and, uh, it did not disappoint. That drive from Boise to Bozeman, Montana, you owe it toyourself to do that and go through, you know, you know what killed me is I didn't have the time,
58:24I didn't have the time to go see the evil, kind of evil thing and I didn't have the time to gointo Yellowstone, but you know, I kind of took this, uh, highway that went right along Yellowstoneand it was absolutely fucking beautiful. I saw wild horses, you know, granted they were on a reserve,I took a picture and you could see the fence, but they, they had a completely different fuckingattitude than those horses that, you know, you go down and ride across the fucking street on,you know, um, they hadn't been broken. They still had the light in their eyes, you know,those other ones are like the ones, you know, in the fucking cubicles. They're in the matrix,somebody on their fucking back, you know, the Mustangs though, you know, those are the guys,
59:06those are the guys, uh, they're off the grid. So anyways, I saw them and then there was,there was some place where you could look at bears. I love bears, but I'm, you know,I'm also not a moron. So two things, one, I don't want to see one that's wild and I don't want tosee one in a fucking cage. I'll just watch them on TV and they had this, they had the place whereyou could actually look at them and it was the worst fucking name. What would you do if you hada bear sanctuary? Just, just for me, what would you call it? I'll give you five seconds to comeup with the name and I guarantee you it's better than what the fuck. They called it bear world.You know, Jesus fucking, it was,
59:46it's anybody creative in your fucking circle of business partners. We'll call it bear world.You know, there's bears in, you know, they're in the world, so bear world.I own a number of businesses. I sell yarn down the street, yarn world, yarn galaxy was,was a choice I was gonna make. You fucking moron. I couldn't even stop there.Bear world. You know, I should go in there and there should be somebody in a fucking bear suit,you know, except it's not a joke. He's actually trying to fuckingpull it off like he really is a bear, you know, if you're dumb enough to stop off at a place calledbear world. But I did have a good time in other places. I went to this, uh, I stopped off at this
01:00:38diner. It was actually a drive in diner, like fucking happy day shit, but they weren't on rollerskates and he could pull right up, but I still want, I went in, I wanted to see the, the, the place,you know, um, see the pictures on the walls and all that type of stuff. And I got a doublecheeseburger there with tater tots and a root beer. And I have to tell you, set to man, it wasfucking delicious. You know, it was even better. It was a high quality piece of greasy meat becauseI didn't feel sick afterwards. I felt a little like, uh, why the fuck did I do that? You know,as you're gonna, when you do something like that, but, uh, I feel like they had a better qualityburger than you usually find in some, you know, a place like that. I'm going to give them a shout
01:01:24out here. What the fuck was it called? It's called frost top driving in Idaho. Uh, it's been opensince 1965 and I don't know if you ever wanted to just drive up and not have to get out of your carand consume 4,000 of the most delicious fucking calories you ever had in your life. I highlyrecommend them. It was tremendous and, uh, I'm a big fan of root beer. I love it, but I don'tfuck with soda because, uh, you know, I know what it does to you, but that's the, you know,every once in a while when I hit the crack pipe, that's what I get. I get one of those fuckers.I either get one of those or if I can get one of the, uh, out in LA, they have, uh,they have the, the, the orange crush that actually has real sugar in it and it tastes like the
01:02:13shit. When it, when it first came out in the late seventies, orange crush,like put me, it like put you in a better mood. That's how good it fucking tasted. Ah, Jesus,those were the fucking days. You know, no stress, no bullshit. I had a fucking paper root, right?I've had a job since I was in the third grade. I was just thinking of that the other day.I had that paper root from third grade to ninth grade to the point it was getting weird.You know, like my voice was changing and I'm like, Hey, I don't hear me, uh, 260 for the week.Uh, no, was it, what was it for the week? $7, $7.25. No, no, no, it was like 260 for the week.And then if it was three weeks, I remember it'd be like $7 in something sense and I would be nervous
01:03:00that the dad was going to answer and be fucking pissed. Um,I still remember time this time this person owed me 1125 or something. I finally got themwhen they were home. They were just never fucking home and I finally got them and the guy actuallylaughed. I still remember it. He had this wood stove and he had the fucking thing crankingand it was freezing out and I was collecting. I always hated collecting. I like, I sort of,I've always been such a fucking loner. It's probably why I do this podcast by myself. I just like thedelivering the, of the fucking papers. I loved it. Riding my bike, talking to myself. You know,I used to ride around my bike and I would, I would be doing fucking Carlin and prior bits that I
01:03:42had memorized pretending I was doing in front of the class and I was still too fucking stupid torealize that that meant that I wanted to be a comedian. I was a moron. Anyways, I still rememberthat 1125. My bill for the week was like, I don't know, like 18 bucks maybe and I got 1125 off ofthis house and I had like 30 something customers. So I was fucking rolling it. You know, I didn'thave a mortgage. You don't have a mortgage and you don't have rent and you don't have a woman inyour life and you got like 22 bucks, right? You don't have a fucking car. You're a millionaire.So I went up to the local store. What did I, did I invest my money? Did I save it up? No,I went down there and I bought a bunch of football cards and a fucking giant orange crush
01:04:30and I sat right out in the store, opened all of them, sticking a fucking, that awful pieceof gum that always tastes like shit. But you just, you had to put it in there. It was moresugar. Just shoved that thing in my fucking mouth. It was like covered with like, it's like,it's like someone was plastering a wall. You know, that shit when it comes down and getsin your eyebrows and shit. That's what was like on the gum. I just sat there.That's all I did. It was like one of the great fucking days on my life. So every once in awhile, if I find an orange crush and it actually has the real sugar, you know, you know, thatsensory sense memory shit and fucking drink that goddamn thing and I'm back out in front of that
01:05:12store. Nobody's fucking with me. It's just me and my little bicycle. Oh, a little Billy red freckleface. Anyways, the fuck am I talking about? Oh, you know what I did? I came up with a goodnickname for Lucas Seely, everybody. Lucas Seely, you know, you're driving a car with somebody forfucking eight hours. You just start talking about everything. And he was talking about playing highschool football and everything. And I don't know why I just started thinking of Chris Berman,what Chris Berman would call him. And I came up with his Chris Berman nickname of, what was it?Lucas, now you Seely. Now you don't. And I was doing, I know it's corny, but it was great in thecar ride because I was doing the whole thing with Chris Berman going now you Seely and then I was
01:06:01doing Tom Jackson yelling now you don't. And then I would do that like he just made a fucking move.And we were, if we were having the time of our fucking lives, I swear to God, I wish all youguys could just do something on the road once. You got to fucking do it. You know,why don't you just accidentally like do something to the building that you work in?You know, not crazy. Just fucking make big one of the shit pipes, you know,the pipe where the shit goes out. Just fuck that thing up. That's some OSHA shit. There's no wayyou'd have to come in. What could you do in a day though? I don't know. I drove from Boise toBozeman. Hey, you know what? It's your fucking life. I don't have time to figure it out. You guys
01:06:40figure it out. What the hell am I talking about here? So anyways, trying to look here. Oh, so I'min New Orleans and I'm going to try to be a good boy when I'm down here. I'm going to try to notdrink, stay away from Bourbon Street and all those fucking animals down there that tits out,walking around this sunburned fucking areolas. I don't want to look at that shit. I'm too oldfor it. I can't do it anymore, you know? Oh wait, I didn't finish telling the story. So I went allthe way up. I know. I'm all over the map. Fuck you. All right. Once again, sorry for the clickshere. I have to see where I'm at. 31. How can you hear those people in the hall? Oh, you know,I was staying when I was in Boise. I was tired of shit. I was staying in this, where did I stay?
01:07:29I stayed in the western or the best western. I didn't know what the fuck it was. And it's one ofthose things that looks like a hotel, but it's not a hotel, but it's not a motel. It's kind ofa little bit of both. It's like you're inside, but I don't know. It's just kind of flimsy doors.And like the other side went out, you know, one side goes through the hall. The other side is aglass door that they have these flimsy curtains and you open it up in the fucking pools there.So I'm tired. And all I want to do is just take a nap before the fucking show. And there's a bunchof kids in the pool, you know, playing games and screaming and yelling and shit. And, you know,which I can tolerate. But they started running up and down the halls, you know, how you're excited
01:08:11as a kid, your hotel pool and all that shit. You run everywhere you fucking go. I swear to God,by the time like the fucking ninth kid ran down the hall, I was having these fantasies of quicklyopening the door and just clothes lining one of these kids. And, you know, so one of the reasonswhy I probably should never be a father because I have really violent thoughts like that.You know, I had one at the airport when I was sitting there. I flew Alaska Airlines up to Boiseand they didn't offer that skycap service, you know, so I had to go into the airport with allthe animals. Okay. Life is all about making enough money so you can buy your way out of thepigpen. You know, when you go to the airport, the pigpen is right in the other side of that
01:09:02fucking glass. If you have a bag that you're checking. But even then, even if you just havea carry-on, you're going to have to deal with how fucking stupid people are. You're just going tohave to be standing behind somebody and you're just going to have to deal with how fuckingstupid they are. So I would rather, you know, just fucking pay, just stand in the fucking lineoutside. Have this guy. Hey, how are you, Mr. Burr? How's it going? It's going great. Tip of thehat is fucking a bunch of, you know, here's some money. Good for you. You know, thank you. Heis a great fucking tip for keeping me out of the pigpen. God bless you. That's how I look at it,right? So I show up Alaska. They don't have, you know, they don't offer that, which right there's
01:09:48a fucking red flag. It's like, okay, you can't afford to pay those guys. You know, you're gonnahave enough gas in the plane. You're gonna have it on half a tank the whole way up trying to makeit up your fucking dicks. So anyway, so I walk in there and it's just a complete, I'm actuallywriting a blog about it. It's really dark and evil. And I'm going to put it up on all things comedy.I'm going to finish it the next couple of days or so, but long story fucking short is it's acomplete clusterfuck when you go in there. And they have one employee, they have two lines,they have one employee for every, for two lines, you know, one employee is working like two linesand everybody's huffing and puffing, looking at their watches, wondering why it's taking so fucking
01:10:30long. And then when they get up there and it's their fucking turn, they're not ready to go.They're like Thurman Thomas. They don't have their fucking helmet. They were in the huddlewithout their fucking helmet. And I swear to fucking God. I swear. And I, then what I do is Ijust start muttering every fucking curse word, every fucking curse word I can put them. Someone'salways looking at me like, like, I'm like, I'm the fucking guy who has the problem. These fuckingidiots, they'll stand, they'll stand like in a security line, shaking their heads about howfucking long it's taking. And then when they get up there, when it's their moment, they're not readyto go. Let me help you guys out here. Not all of you, but just for the fucking morons. Okay.
01:11:17And you should really take that as an insult. If someone as dumb as me calls you a fucking moron.When you stand in in line, okay, you have all this fucking time to take off all the shit thatyou're going to have to take off. If you got a jacket, just shove it in the pockets, zip them up.You got your watch in there. You got your loose chains. You got all your fucking medals in there.Okay, you can undo your belt. That's ready to go. You know, have your shoes ready to slip off.Mentally think how many bins do I need? Okay. Fucking have a game plan. You get up there.You grab the bins you need. You fucking put them flush up with the person in front of you.You put all your shit in them. And when the person moves up in front of you, you fucking move your
01:12:04shit too. All right. And that would cut down so much eye rolling in your fucking life standingin those lines. You know, this is just a waste. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of fucking timebecause people aren't going to get it. They're not going to get it. They stand in line and thesefucking TSA guys go over and over and over. If you have any liquids, if you have a laptop,if you have shoes, if you have this tent is up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they say it900 times and it drives me fucking nuts. I used to hate them for saying it 50 times going,why the fuck do you keep saying that? And then I just watched people in front of me.Is it okay to have toothpaste and a big gulp? What? I took off one shoe. Is that okay?
01:12:47Like that shit? I actually have empathy for them now.This is nothing too. When you go to these small mom and pop airports like the one I flew outthis morning in Bozeman, Montana, it was so small, my fucking map app, whatever the fuck you call it,the Steve Jobs map app, it couldn't even find it. It took me to somebody's house.Oh, you want to hear a cursing when the sun's coming up over those beautiful mountains.You know, people probably thought they had a bear in their front yard. That's how fucking upset I was.Anyways, let's just get back to some happy shit. So I go, we drive up to Bozeman,Montana, and it's fucking absolutely gorgeous. And I actually promised them that I wouldn't
01:13:34tell them how nice it was. So people wouldn't go up there. So I broke my promise. I apologize tothe people up there, but it was fucking beautiful. So I have to say it was fucking gorgeous. And Iended up doing an hour and like 40 minutes. So if your ass fell asleep, I apologize. I won't bedoing that. I usually try to keep it to about an hour, an hour and 10 minutes. I broke the cardinalrule of leaving them wanting more. But if there was something about the crowds, like I felt like,you know, they were psyched that I made the trek up there. So I did an extra long show and I waspsyched to be up there and I played two really, really cool theaters. And I'm definitely going tocome back. Didn't sell out either one, which of course I love because that motivates me. All right,
01:14:24now I got to get this area. That's like what the South used to be for me. I couldn't fucking,you know, I couldn't sell any tickets down. I just kept going and going and going and going. So I'mhoping the word of mouth will, will spread out that way. The very least, I'll look at the redstate tour and be like, you know, the t-shirt, wonder who the fuck that is. And hopefully I cancome back and do it again. But because right now I'm supposed to be in Deadwood, South Dakota.And I would have had the experience of driving all the way across Montanaand to South Dakota, which is something I really want to do. And oh, last week,speaking of motorcycles, evidently, that's the fucking place to ride a motorcycle. I've never
01:15:02seen so many motorcycles in my life in pickup trucks and trailers. I was saying to Lucas,like basically that if, I think up there, if you, if you don't have a four door pickup truckwith a trailer and some sort of fucking dirt bike or four wheeler on the back that you're,you know, I think you get gay bashed up there, right? Anyways, all right, let's do a couplemore ads and we'll get into your letters for this week. What the hell is it? Sorry aboutthe clicking. Sorry about the clicking. Okay. Legal zoom, everybody. Most Americans don'thave a will, but why? That's really stupid to not have a will. Because, you know, people,you're going to have loved ones fighting over it and the government comes in and takes your stuff.
01:15:53Bill, why don't you just read the copy? You don't have a law degree. You know what? You're right.I'll go with you on this one. You don't want the government, you don't want the government,you don't want government rules, Jesus, dictating what happens to your property andminor children. Oh, Jesus, you got to put your kids in there too. I leave my, my daughter tomy sister. So why procrastinate? Most people say too expensive or too time consuming.My answer to that people is legal zoom.com too expensive. You're going to love legalzooms, reasonable prices. Too time consuming, you say? Most people finish the online processin just 20 minutes and we're not taking, we're not talking some fill in the blank form here.
01:16:35That's not what we're talking about. Your will is state specific and personalized based on yourinformation. Best of all, legal zoom has 12 years of experience helping people with important legalmatters. It's national make, make a will month. Sorry. It's national make a will month, everybody.Energy. So don't wait any longer. Go to legal zoom.com today and get 15% off your last will.But this offer ends soon. Your last will? Yeah, you're only going to die once.Whatever. Anyways, or get a living trust and you'll receive a poor over will, absolutely free.To get your special discount offer, be sure to enter Burr in the referral box at checkoutfor wills, powers of attorney, trust and more. Go to legal zoom.com. Legal zoom can provide
01:17:21self-help service, but at your specific direction or connect you with an attorney,but they are not a law firm. This is actually something that really isn't a joke. I've hadso many friends die in and out of this business and obviously, you know, they were too young to go.So a lot of them didn't have wills. Some did, some didn't. And the ones that did, it wasone less thing to worry about. So, you know, if you've got people you care about, you reallyshould do it. Okay, that's the end of my little left turn there. All right, Hulu Plus, everybody.I'm sure you've tried hulu.com, but I want to tell you about Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets youwatch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, stream it on your TV or go or on the go with
01:18:06your smartphone or tablet. Why stand in line or ride a train and just stare at your feet?Why do that? You could be watching your favorite shows on Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is a great wayto binge watch your favorite shows. I missed, what am I saying? What are they doing here?Why are you telling me that I'm going to catch up on this shit? Stop writing shit for me to sayhere. I like Hulu Plus. Okay, I think you should get it. I want to get it. You don't need to haveme make up stuff about stuff I'm not watching. Anyways, on Hulu Plus, if you ever decide to,if I ever decide to watch all of Lost, Hulu Plus is the place for all that. You know, I justrealized, I have to apologize to Hulu Plus. They're just using this as a jump off point. I'm supposed
01:18:50to put in the shows that I'm watching on Hulu Plus. I'm like an idiot. I'm taking this literally.See, this is why I didn't come up with Hulu Plus because I'm a moron, but the people at Hulu Plus,they are not. It's only $7.99 a month, $7.99 for all the shows and movies you can watch.What more do you want? Do they got to show up and just give you a TV or a smartphone?Catch up on current shows. Binge on all your old favorite favorites and or catch a great movie.You can do it all at Hulu Plus. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus for a couple of weeks for freeon me when you go to my podcast page, billburr.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner or go tohuluplus.com slash billburr. Please make sure you use the huluplus.com slash bill so you get an
01:19:32extended free trial and so that they know that I sent you. It helps us. That's what I do now,instead of stuttering. I'll just slow down the sentence. It helps us keep up the lights.What? It helps us keep the lights on and gives you a better deal. One more time for the extendedfree trial, huluplus.com slash bill. All right. Is that it for the the reads for this week?I think we got one more. We'll space it out. Okay, here we go. Oh, by the way,I want to talk about something else here. People keep, oh, by the way, on that topic,I actually, I just write out topics like I'm making a set list of shit I want to talk about.And I tried to write down airport etiquette. And before you laugh at me, write it down on
01:20:17your post it there. Etiquette's one of those words I've used a zillion times and I've read it.Not a zillion times, as you can tell. I don't read that much, but I probably read at leastfive or times you'd think it would stick in my fucking hard drive at that point.I tried to spell etiquette. I knew I didn't know how to spell it. So I thought, all right,I'll just give it a shot and I'll be in the vicinity and the computer will be like, oh,are you trying to spell this? I spelled etiquette E-D-I-C-A-T-E. And other than underlining itand read, the computer had nothing, had no, no, didn't even say like ate a cat or something,etiquette E-T-I-Q-U-E-T-T-E. All right. Oh, two things. I had a question. I'm in New Orleans.
01:21:04Does anybody know of a rehearsal space out here where I can play drums?They have drums already set up and I can just rent something reasonable. Let me know. Becausethere's a lot of downtime when you do these things. And I don't want to be getting in troubleand becoming billy, po-boi, fat face down here because of all the delicious seafood that theystick in a fry later. And it tastes awesome. This fucking city is great.But it's going to give you a heart attack if you stay here for three weeks. So I'm trying to,I went to the supermarket. I bought some nanas and apples. I'm trying to get a fridge in here.I got to do something. Oh, by the way, somebody sent me something that was saying
01:21:50shaming fat people. Fat shame does not work. But you know what? I actually had a couple ofpeople that said I've actually motivated them. I had this guy today. It actually made my day.This guy said, listen to the podcast. And he took the good ribbing that I was giving fatties outthere and he started eating one giant salad a day and working out, doing whatever the hell hewas doing. The guy went from like 220 something or 230 something. Then he's down to 169.169. So bravo to you. That made me feel great to read that tweet. And you know, who knows,this could turn into a great show. You know, I'll do my biggest loser, except I won't be nice. I'lljust sit there. I'll come out like a comedian. I'll just have a microphone. I'll just trash you.
01:22:36Every day I'll just sit there, make it funny. Oh, that would be too mean. I'd start off making,I do it in a tough love way. Jesus Christ. What channel would that be? How high up on the fuckingdial would that be? Right there that no network's going to touch that. Nobody on the channel 700would fuck with that. Maybe I'll just do it on my, I'll do a web series. I'll do it on my own website.A freckled face production. All right, here we go. Letters for the week. Serbian love. Lookat this. See that? You start learning capitals around the world. You start getting, you startgetting letters from people. This is great. I love when I get letters from people from countriesI've never been to. Serbian everybody. Do you know what the capital is? I knew it two weeks ago,
01:23:20but I haven't done it in two weeks. It's new knowledge. What the fuck is it?That's not Brat, Bratislava. No, is it? I'm an asshole. I'm sorry. Yeah, the Serbs eat the Brats.That's how I remembered it. Bratislava, I think. I don't know. Hey, Billy Hill. I like that. BennyHill. There's this girl who lives someplace around my place. I like this guy. He's being nice and vague.This sounds scummy already. I like you, sir. I don't know where, but I see her around every sooften. Oh, you just don't know where she lives. I thought you were saying, hey, there's this chick.She lives somewhere around my place. I don't want to get into it, but let's just say she sucked mydick in an establishment that had a roof where you wouldn't get wet if it rained. The problems are,
01:24:08number one, I'm 15. It sucks. No, it doesn't do. It's great to be 15. It's great to be 15.You got a lot of freedom. And so is she. Okay, so what's the problem? Jesus Christ,what do you want to do with this girl? He goes, we just finished elementary school in Serbia,and we used to go to separate grades. And number two, I think I love her. She's really smart,beautiful, and funny, the usual. And me looks wise on a scale of one to 10. I'm slightly above five.Jesus, come on, man. All right, first of all, my first piece of advice is sit up straightwhen I'm reading this to you. Come on, man. I'm going to build you up by the end of this.Five feet out, tall, and I like to waste my time listening to a 40-year-old pasty fellow who complains
01:25:01about his big head and overpopulation. My problem is we haven't ever had the chance to properlyintroduce ourselves to one another. I sometimes see her on the tram and wave to her just to makesure she acknowledges my existence. That's good, dude, you're in the game. You got your uniform on.You got your foot on the top step of the dugout. You're not in the batter's box yet. You're noteven on the on-deck circle swinging the two bats, but you're there. All right, I like this. Okay,you're making positive moves here. Okay, so he goes, I want to ask her, I want to ask her on adate, but I don't know her yet. Can you tell me what to do? Greetings from Serbia. Come oversometime so that we can kidnap you. Hey, was that the place where that place used to be the
01:25:52country that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl's twat? Sorry about that.You know, wouldn't that be fucking ridiculous? I go over there and I take an ass-kicking forBill Clinton. You know, I just think the fact that my name is Bill, that that right there,that would be enough for them. But anyways, all right, so what is your problem? You want to askher out on a date? Well, you wave to her. This is what I think, you know, look, you can't justwave to somebody on the tram and then just get in their grill and ask them out. You know this,you got to like, because you kind of know her, you know what I mean? Look, if you just meet a girlon a train, if you meet a girl on a train, this is what you do. This is what I used to do. I would
01:26:30wait for somebody to do something, like some crazy person to get on and they would do somethingfucked up. I would hope that that would happen because I didn't have game to just walk up andstart talking to somebody. But in New York, somebody always did something fucking weird.And then that, you know, there's that moment where somebody's doing something fucked up thatstrangers look at each other like, are you fucking kidding me? And that's like an opportunity to kindof maybe say something funny. If you sit next to him, he's sitting across from him. Like I didn'thave sitting across from you game. Who's getting hill? I didn't have a lot of game. What the fuckare you asking me? Um, all right, what would I do here? All right, so you're doing that. Why don't
01:27:07you? Why don't you properly introduce yourself? Start chatting with her. You know, and don'tintroduce yourself tipping your hand like you're going to ask her out like, Hello, my name isLawrence, Serbia, Jr. Uh, uh, you know, getting down on one knee. Just say what's up to her.Shoot the shit with her and make a fucking laugh. You know, you got to, you got to get yourself inher world. You know, who knows? She could be on the other side of that train going, Why is thatcunt just waving at me? You know, why doesn't he come over here? Doesn't he know I'd like togo to the Serbian Cineplex if it still stands up?I was just picturing a bombed out movie theater that's like sort of a drive-in,
01:27:52but also has seats. I'm sorry. I am the ugly American right now. You know what? Becauseyou wrote me to me, I'm going to try and learn a little bit more about your country.Is that over there near Bosnia and Herzegovina? Slovenia?El Jubiljana, whatever the fuck it is. I don't know.I'm not going to lie to you. I'm going to be honest. Eastern Europe scares me for that exactreason. There's, there's, uh, I did, you know what they should do rather than just showing you,like they should in a, in a geographical way show you where all the countries are. And then alsoin everybody's country, they should, they should have kidnap countries, cool countries,
01:28:35cool, but it's not worth going. Uh, and this place sucks or whatever. You know what I mean?They should group them up like that. You know, could get kidnapped here. You could have, uh, weed.You know, you could have your boogie board stolen and replaced with weed and now you'regoing to get fucking put to death. Where's that in Bali? Um, I don't know. So that's what I would do.All right. I think it's great that you're actually, uh, you know, waving to this girl and everything.This is a great thing about women. They're all right with you. If you're a five, if you have apersonality, okay? If you're, you know, what's great thing about being a five is you weed out allthe stuck up cunts because they're not going to fuck with you because you're a five and they're,
01:29:22you know, they're materialistic and like cunts when they're in their teams, how they're materialisticbecause nobody really has money at 15. They're materialistic with looks and as they get older,what it ends up being is they, you know, those cunts end up going for the fives,the bald fat guys, but they're going after their money. So this is the deal. You're a five.You're probably not, I bet you're like a strong seven, if not an eight. All right. You just got,I think you'd be too hard on yourself. All right. Sowhat am I trying to say here? If you're an average looking guy, your chances of meetinga sweetheart are much higher. If you're the good looking guy, the quarterback on the team or the
01:30:11fucking playing soccer, whatever the fuck you do over there, you know, it's like you're a celebrity.You don't know which cheerleader is going to blow your first and they're just,you don't know what's going on. You know, but you have, you are actually, you have the kind oflooks where you can actually sit there and from a distance fall in love with somebody and pine forsomebody and wave to them on the train and then be like, Oh, what did I say? Something, you knowwhat? Fuck this. You think you're going to marry this girl? This is the, this is the one. You walkup to this girl and you could, you, you get all your fucking awkward shit out of the way. Learnhow to talk to a woman with this woman. Okay. And keep those, those, those skills sharp because
01:30:51one day, you know, when you do meet the love of your fucking life, not saying this girl isn't,but if you do, you won't be writing a dumb fuck half a world away. All right. Hope that helped youout. All right. Last week I talked about tattoos, people who have inspirational sentences writtenon their rib cage. That's why I love it. It's on the fucking rib cage where they can't even readit. So it's like, that's clearly for the rest of us. Yes, you've learned this lesson and it's soimportant to you that you have to turn yourself into a fucking posted. All right. Now I got a lotlot of emails about this. A lot of people like defending their paragraphs. You know,some people saying, look, I had hope written on my arm. And if I didn't, if I didn't see that every
01:31:38day that I, I, I, that I would have forgot, you know, I might be a moron. I just don't understandwhy you just can't write that down on a post. I have a post it right here. Right on the, this iswhat I have. Eat healthy, practice drums, no booze, have fun, giant salad every day if possible fordinner. Okay. Post it right on the mirror. Wake up in the morning. There it is. And it just, it'sgame plan. I don't even have that written on my fucking rib cage. But then there was other peoplethough, you know, some of you had like never forget me. They were fighting over an Iraq andthey lost a bunch of their buddies over there. I'm not talking about that shit. Okay. You knowwhat I'm talking about. I'm talking about that stitch in time saves the fucking book, but the
01:32:22boo, you know, it's not always the, the rook that queens the night. Sometimes it's the pawn,whatever the fuck, you know, that dumb shit. So yeah, I got a lot, and I got a lot of emails fromwomen with feet tattoos that no longer want to listen to the podcast.Um, don't take the jokes too seriously, people. See, this is the classic thing. Why you can'ttake jokes seriously. You can't do it because people are selfish. That person with the foot tattoo,they laughed about all the fat fuck stuff. Unless they're fat fuck too. Then they'd have a fatfoot and a whole, they could have a whole mural put on their chubby foot. All right. This is,this is a, a, uh, this is an email from a tattoo artist. He said, Bill, just heard your podcast
01:33:13where you talk about assholes getting their favorite poem Bible verse or inspirational quotetattooed on them. I've been tattooing for 25 years and let me tell you, this is the worst trend intattooing yet. We all hate doing this shit. I imagine he's talking about the tattoo artistsat our shop. We call the customers, uh, that want this, that want this crap skin poets.The tattoos suck to do. It's like a school assignment and they don't fit the shape ofthe body very well. We get a lot of those spiritual yuppie fucks coming in and wantingsomething they saw on a tiger woods poster. Oh, what? Like just do it. Um, no fear. What aresome of those dumb ones they have? I hate those fucking things, you know, 24 seven,
01:34:07you know, I hate those things unless a little kid's wearing them. Then they're fucking hilarious.I saw a little kid he had a shirt on that said play me or trade me and I thought it was fuckinghilarious. Um, but yeah, if you're an adult and you got to walk around with this is what I doon your t-shirt. Yeah, I don't know. Um, anyways, he says, he continues, he says, you really wantto read the same paragraph over and over. I think it all started with Megan Fox. I guess she hasshit written on her. He said, I miss doing butterflies down by the ass crack. Uh, love theshow, play it for the wife sometimes and go see. We all like to go fuck yourself. Dude,this guy literally did not use any spaces. Oh, whatever. I read it. I read it well enough. Well,
01:34:54there you go. That's from a tattoo artist. Tattoo artists don't like doing it. They call you skinpoets. So whatever. There you go. Skin poets. All right. And I'm not talking about, look, you know,if your dad died and you got something on, not talking about that shit. All right. I'm talkingabout where you got to have some sort of, you know, something deep man. That's like, uh,I don't know. You know what I'm saying. I'm too dumb to fucking even say what I already said.All right. Bill, this is from New Zealand. I believe this is great. This, uh, this says,you're the old, you're the only ginger I do. Hey, Bill, I'm a 31 year old girl from New Zealand.Hey, say what's up to Phil Rudd for me. Will you? Um, anyways, I stumbled across you
01:35:43on YouTube a while ago and I began listening to you in the car. I like to drive along,cracking up like a nutcase over the shit you say, while other drivers look at me and wonder whyI'm stoned. Uh, well, this is why I do the podcast and also to my kids. Uh, she says, I got my husbandand kids hooked on you too. No need to pay me for the publicity. Well, I hope they're not listening,considering you just told, you said you'd fuck me. Um, I'm sure you're just joking, right? Thereyou go. Just in case you're getting fucking, in case your husband plays for the all blacks,you know, just gave you a fucking soccer knee to the face. Or is that rugby? Are they rugby? I don'tknow. Um, I also want to share with, I also want to share with you the fact that you are the only
01:36:27Fanta pants. I never heard that. I have ever wanted to bang. So feel special.Do you realize how fucking condescending this is? You know, as you said out there on thatfucking island in the middle of goddamn nowhere on the half of the planet that doesn't do shiton the other hemisphere, when was the last time anybody from that hemisphere did anything?Jesus, how many people am I pissing off right now? This has nothing to do with that hemisphere.It has to do with this. Like, like I should feel fucking,why are you acting like I put out a personal ads that no one ever fucked me before?So feel special. What the fuck is wrong with you?
01:37:15I don't understand this new, this, that's, it's like, it's happened since I started doing thispodcast where all these like, um, this red, I don't know if it was underground hatred of redheadsor everybody watched that South Park episode, you're a bunch of hacks and you're fucking stealingoff of their jokes, but I've had a tremendous fucking life. It's really, I never, you know,I guess when I was younger, when I had orange hair, you know, I felt like a fucking freak and I tookthe beat downs. You know, once you were an adult and what the fuck? Sweetheart, I don't need sympathypussy from half a fucking world away. All right. Go fuck yourself. I should feel privileged. Idon't even know what the fuck you look like. Do you know what kills me too about this, this, this
01:38:03fucking redhead hatred shit? The amount of fucking people that, that come up to me and I'm, I'mnot even a good looking guy. I'm better looking than they are. I'm embedded. I'll have a fat fuckman-titted brown-haired dude coming up to me, giving me shit about having fucking red hair.It's like, dude, have you looked at yourself? How many fucking mirrors do you need to look atyourself? You tub of shit. Look at your fucking nose. You know, fucking shark fin in the middleof your goddamn face. I got a great nose. I have a nice jaw. I have beautiful blue, blue eyes. Ilike myself. That's all I need. All right, lady. I don't need to go to New Zealand to get some fuckingon the side married pussy. Jesus fucking Christ. Anyways, I had to stop reading that. Yeah, that's
01:38:58another thing too. I've had, I've been saying to me like, you're good looking for a redhead.And I just want to say like, you know what, you're not that good lookingfor a person.Yeah, I'm fine with how I fucking look. So you guys, you don't need to have sympathy.I don't need, I'm fucking doing great. All right, thank you. Thank you for thetrying to cheer me up with bestowing your sacred pussy on me from the other hemisphere.Um, that's unreal. She lives in a country Australia makes fun of. Okay. She should be happy if afucking warthog climbs up her goddamn stairs. They have warthogs out there. Anyways, all right,
01:39:49let's, let's put our head here. Aggressive douche. Hey, Bill, I've been with my wife for six yearsand we've been married for one. Congratulations. He said when we first started dating, a guy,she knew turned up drunk on her doorstep professing his love for her. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus.Wow. He said I wasn't mad. She's great. And I couldn't blame him. Well, look at you have anyempathy. I would just be looking like Jesus Christ is bad enough when they bring up anaccident dinner. Forget about the guy shows up at your house.He's out there like John Cusack with a boombox over his head. We're in a fucking trench coat.Don't you forget about me. What was that song? I never saw that say anything. I think I saw part
01:40:39of it. Um, I've always been bored with the love story. I'm just something wrong with me.Anyways, uh, this means we've been, wait, I screwed up here. Oh, she's great. And I couldn'tblame him. Um, he goes on to say he was dating her friend at the time though,and they are now engaged. Oh, so he went from your now wife to banging your now wife's friendand then realized that he had a better thing. Ah, Jesus, look at that fucking steamboat.Oh, the sunburn tourist down there.Oh, the po boys and fucking local, the IPO, IPA, whatever the fuck that is. All right,we get it. You're on a Tom Sawyer boat. Who gives a fuck?
01:41:30Hey, that's kind of nice. I shouldn't get mad at that. That gives it a,maybe you guys thought I was lying. That was actually in my house. And, uh, I misplaced thecord. All right, there's no fucking steamboats. You know, how many times I've been here and Ijust found out that that's the Mississippi River. I know that I knew that the Mississippi Riveremptied out into the Gulf here, but for some reason I thought it was on the western side of the state.I don't know. Anyways, let's, let's plow ahead. Um, so anyways, he was dating her friend at thetime though, and now they are engaged. This means we've been, this means we've been for drinks withthis couple of few times and they came to our wedding. Oh my God.
01:42:11You didn't put the kibosh on that? Oh, that's hard though, right? Cause that's the ex, buthe's with her friend. Oh God, what is he, you got to elope. That's the way to do it.Anyways, he goes, I'm pretty laid back. So I've been polite. It was six years ago. Now over thelast year he started liking her photos on Facebook, pestering her when she's out with the girls.Oh no, dude, and trying to message her on Facebook. He must know she would tell me all this. So hewait, he must know she would tell me all this. So does he mistake my politeness for weakness?Absolutely he does. He has a good woman already and I don't want them to break up. Do I punchhim in the face or smile as he ogles my wife? Thanks and go fuck yourself from some dude.
01:43:05No dude, you need to address this situation. Yeah, you got to have, you got to have a talk with the guy.Oh, but wait, but they're friends.This is what you do. All right, this is one of these confrontations you got to have in a publicplace. Tell me you want to go out and have a beer or grab a sandwich or something like thatand go out and just sit down, ask him how he's doing and all that type of shit and just say, listen,you know, me and my wife are good friends with you guys and I'd like it to stay that way.Would you like it to stay that way? At which point he's like, yeah, he's already going toknow what the fuck you're getting at and just say, listen, I need you to stop, you know,
01:44:00contacting my wife on Facebook. All right, you want to hang out as a couple, you know,go out and get some wine, eat some cheese, tell some fucking stories. That's fine, but you know,other than that, you know, you need to back off. Okay, and I'm asking you this one time politely.I'm not, I didn't, I'm not saying anything to anybody else. I'm just telling you man to man,okay? And you know, what the fuck's he going to do? He can't go home and tell his wife that,you know, that he's been, you know, stalking your wife. He can't do that andand make it even more uncomfortable and tell him that my wife knows that I'm here saying this toyou too, by the way. So then it's, that's, it's just a closed thing. All right, you got to nip
01:44:55that in the butt because that is, that is the beginning of a creepy movie. If you know what Imean, you know, I'm actually, I actually got nervous halfway through that, giving you that advice.That's why I was saying get into a public place. You got to nip that fucking thing in the butt andI would actually have a conversation with your wife too and say, listen, if this persists,we're not hanging out with them as a couple anymore. Okay, because, and if she gives you,you know, well, she's my friend and blah, blah, blah, and just say honey, I love you. I need alittle empathy here. What if one of my exes came to the door five years ago professing that shestill had a flame for me and still loved me and all of that crap, right? And then was stalking me
01:45:49and liking my photos on Facebook. How would that make you feel? You know, I'm not judging you, butI wouldn't put you in that position. Okay, you like that last sentence. That last sentence is calledgame set match. All right. Walk. Hey, Bill, big fan and all that lap dog babble. Now,you need a new walk, dude. I've been I've seen a bunch. I'll go fuck yourself. I need a new walk.You've watched all my specials on TV. Well, good for you. Good for you. Thank you for doing that.Jesus fucking Christ. All right, water toxicity. Hey, Bill, water toxicity is the medical termfor when one's hyped. Oh, this is what I was talking about. What the fuck was it?That person, what is it? The the the they drank too much water. Oh, that's right. Someone was asking
01:46:48me, you know, how much water you can drink or something like that. You know what's fuckinghilarious? Because the guy, oh, I know the guy said he drank a gallon and a half of water everyday. And I was like, dude, be careful, man, you drink too much water, you could fucking die.And the amount of fucking people that wrote to me telling me how much water you can drink,if 50 people wrote me, they all had 50 different amounts. So this person, I don't know if this isan actual doctor or whatever said. Hey, Bill, water toxicity is the medical term for one's hydration.One's hydration reaches dangerous and sometimes fatal levels. The actual mechanism at playis the ratio of water and electrolytes, salt in one's body.
01:47:36Okay, you've already lost me. What are electrolytes? Is that that shit in Gatorade?The total amount of water one can drink does not matter so long as the amount of electrolytes arein balance. Exercise and sweating depletes electrolytes so it is important to eat or mixin some Gatorade. When rehydrating, I was right. Look at that. Ah, Jesus, if this was a multiplechoice fucking test, you know how dumb I am? I actually read half of that and when I wasn't evenpaying attention to it and I got to Gatorade and it snapped me back into it. I just get like,the second you go scientific, it's just wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. The total amount of waterone can drink does not matter so long as the amount of electrolytes are in balance. Ah, exercise
01:48:21and sweating depletes electrolytes so it is important to eat or mix in some Gatorade whenrehydrating. I didn't know that. I used to eat a fucking piece of fruit so I wouldn't get sickwhen I sucked down the water. The woman that died at the radio stunt drank and didn't eat,then reached fatal levels. So basically they could do that if they had a bunch of Gatorade there.Anyways, love the podcast. My girlfriend and I saw your One Nighter in Tampa a few months agoand you were fucking amazing. Thank you. Thank you very much. If you ever get a chance,the Florida Georgia Cocktail Party game in Jacksonville is the pinnacle of SEC football.Is there, I got to go to that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to play the Comedy Zone one,
01:49:05one of these years. I'll do like a One Nighter. I'll do like Thursday, Friday and then I'll bedrunk on stage Saturday because I'm fucking having a cocktail too. But I got to tell you,you know what? I watched on the plane coming down here. I watched that 30 for 30 again,or maybe it was an E60. It seemed like it was an hour long. I don't know. On the Alabama Auburnrivalry and that's one of my favorite pieces of television ever. If you've never seen it,if you're not even into sports, you just have to watch how insane that fucking rivalry is.And there's a guy, what the hell is his name? He has a radio show and I wanted to askpeople who live in Alabama who listen to the podcast here. I know I'm going to say his name
01:49:54wrong. Is Paul Feinbaum or something, that radio show? Is there any way I can get that?Can I listen to it online? Can you give me like a link or something? I really want to listen tothat this year as they're leading up. I'm hoping Auburn is going to be good this year. I knowonce Cam left that they had a little bit of a drop off, but I can't even remember what they didlast year. But I just want to listen to that shit talking. I was fucking laughing my ass offother than the maniac poisoning the trees, which was just ridiculous. But likelisten to those people with those southern accent, just yelling at each other and theamount of passion. It was just fucking phenomenal, phenomenal fucking radio. I have to somehow
01:50:50figure out, I have to go to that game. Not only do I have to go to that game, but I have to figureif I can't go, I have to fucking listen to that. Like I've actually already played it out in myhead. One of these years I'm going to go. I'll go with like Verzi and Lawhead or something,maybe a couple other buddies. And I was already picturing us getting there a couple days earlybecause we'll do stand up probably at the star dome or something. This is the game playing.And in the mornings, I just pictured us like hanging out, like fucking eating breakfastsomewhere with the car radio on, just sitting there in the parking lot laughing our fuckingasses off. If you're not even in the college football, if you just watch, if you can somehow
01:51:36find that, that Roll Tide War Eagle or War Eagle Roll Tide, depending on who you talk to,which should come first. It's just, it puts the Yankee Red Sox shit to shame. It really does.I actually think Ohio State Michigan puts Yankee Red Sox shit to shame. I mean,the Yankee Red Sox thing died down now that the Sox finally won it.But it's just, it's just a whole other fucking level. You got to check it out. Highly recommended.So anyways, one last advertising here for the week. E-voice. Your screening calls,closing deals and making money. All while lounging poolside in the summer sun. Thanks to what?E-voice, everybody. E-voice is a better way to connect with people that drive your business.
01:52:20E-voice will forward business calls to your home, mobile, or any number you choose, wherever youare. E-voice will find you. Don't have time to take a call. It's routed to voicemail. And youcan read it at your own convenience as a text message. E-voice not only gives you an edge overyour competitors, it takes away the edge the big competitors have over you right now. With E-voice,you can create the appearance of a whole office building of departments when customers call you.A sales department, customer support, tech support, you name it. It's going to sound likeyou've got a giant skyscraper with your name on the side of it. And it works with any phone,even your cell. Hey, it's summer. Don't be stuck in your office all day, you jackass.
01:53:00Free yourself with a three 30 day trial of E-voice so you can see what I'm talking about.Go to evoice.com and enter promo code bill for your 30 day free trial. That's evoice.com,promo code bill, or go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the E-voice banner.There you go, everybody. That would be the advertising for this week, right? I'm done. Nice.Okay, let's go on to the next one. Dating an ugly girl. Sorry about the clicking here, everybody.Jesus Christ, hour and 18. Fucking chatty Cathy here. All right, doll, doll is shaved. Oh,I started reading the advertising. I am so fucking stupid. Clicking away, dating an ugly girl. Therewe go. See, they both started with the D so that that was enough to get me going. Dating an ugly
01:53:50girl. Hey, Bill, I just recently started listening to your podcast at work and I got to say greatjob, man. Thank you very much. You say some truly funny and inspiring stuff. Thank you.I wanted to ask for your advice on a troubling matter of mine. I recently started dating a girlthat I met on an internet dating site. That's unreal. I wish that shit was around when I wasfucking single and I was a young man and a full head of hair, right? Jesus Christ. That's likegoing to the supermarket just picking out fruit, you know? Oh, Jesus Christ. If you're lettingyour ego get in the way of fucking doing that, you're out of your goddamn mind still going outplaying a fucking cover charge. I guess there's the sport of that, you know, not having the gun
01:54:37cocked walking around with the shotgun broken over your arm, right? Having your boy goflush him out of the fucking bushes. Every once in a while, that wouldn't be nice tofish in a stock pond. Anyways, you said we met on an internet dating site. We get along great.Oh, we got along great through emails, but when we met, I was surprised to see how uglyher face was and how slightly off she smelled. You know, I just did such a great commercialfor why you should do internet dating. And now you've convinced me that I don't even know whatI'm talking about. All right, so what do you need advice at this point? She has an ugly face andsmells bad. So what? Jesus. I just saw it's dating an ugly girl. Okay, well, I'm intrigued. No.
01:55:33Well, what do you look like, sir? Are you a little often do you smell? Do your smellscombine and actually smell like something good? Can that happen? Can two negatives make a positivein smells? I know they're doing math. Needless to say, I was coming out of a dry spell. Also,she has a great body. So I put the moves on her. I never actually hesitated. She should have takena fucking shower with her. That was the move right there. You should have taken a fucking showerwith her and banged a doggy style. Jesus Christ. Do I got to hold your hand over to the fuckingwater fountain? Anyways, he goes. So I put the moves on her. I never actually hesitated. I justwent on being myself around her and talking to her and now we're together. The sex is amazing. I
01:56:23fucking knew it. I knew the sex would be amazing because there's no other reason to stay with somebody'sugly and they smell. They better fuck the shit out of you or, you know, they better find a newcareer because they have their fucking is over play offs. No, your season's over. You're playingfor a first round draft pick. All right, the sex is amazing. She has a pretty deep voice. Jesus Christ.This is like the money pit, except instead of a house, it's a woman. All right, she has a prettydeep voice for a lady. So when we bang, it's the only time she talks and acts like a woman.Dude, if you get to the end of this and this person has had a sex change operation, I'm notgoing to be surprised. Jesus Christ. Do I continue? Yeah, I got nothing better to do. Fuck it. And he
01:57:16goes, blah, blah, blah, and we get along great. She's like the best friend I never had. Yeah, I'msure she'd probably fucking lift more weights than you two. Seriously, we make each other laugh a lotand we're always learning and growing intellectually with each other. My dilemma is this. I'm a prettyhandsome guy and we go out when we go out together. Pretty handsome guy, pretty handsome guy, and weshow that my dilemma is this. I'm a pretty handsome guy and we go out when we go out together. Peoplealways stare, give us angry or confused looks. Oh, come on, man, that might be in your head.I think that a lot of that might be you being self conscious, confused look like why is thisgreat looking guy with this piece of dog meat? I don't know if that's your ego or your date in
01:58:00the ugliest fucking thing ever. You said she's got a nice body. So you know what I mean? Throwson a little makeup, does some shit with her hair. You know, maybe combs it in her face a little,becomes 50% less. This is just getting meaner by the second. My dilemma is this. Okay, blah,blah, blah. I haven't introduced her to any of my friends and family yet because I'm afraid ofwhat they'll think of me and how they will judge us behind our backs. Also, I don't want ugly kidsand that's pretty important to me. Why are you with this person, sir? You're saying horriblethings. She has an ugly face. She smells bad and you think she's going to make ugly children. Whatthe fuck? You know what it is? Your dick is still making the decisions in your life, sir. That's
01:58:51why you're still with this person. And secondly, just because you're good looking and you get witha good looking person, that doesn't mean you're going to have a good looking kid. All right?That's one of the fallacies out there. I can name a couple of celebrity couples, drop deadgorgeous and had an average looking kid because you know what it is? It's not like you're beautifuland you're beautiful so together you make beauty. No, you're combining your features.You know what I mean? There's a lot of average. You know, I can tell you right now more timesthan not, average looking people have stunning kids. They have just as good a chance of makingstunning kids. This is like that shit I was talking to you about like a few weeks ago
01:59:44when I was talking about like when people give like Michael Jordan's kid shit because he's notas good as his dad at basketball. It's like, well, he's only half his dad. He's Michael Jordan cutwith Michael Jordan's wife, okay? And if she has no leaping ability, okay, and can't even catch abeach ball underhanded, that's going to fuck with the son's ability to go to the rack, you know?So anyway, sir, I'll read the rest of this book. Anyways, I don't want an ugly kid and that's prettyimportant to me. She truly is an amazing person. And in a perfect world, I wouldn't hesitate tomake her my wife. But the fact is, I'm too much of a bitch to completely accept her into my life.Well, you know what? You're man enough to admit that you're a bitch. That's a good step.
02:00:32Which it is, but I don't really want to hurt her feelings. Her life is already pretty hard becauseof how she looks. Dude, what? Did she live on her bridge? What is the problem? What should I do?Am I too selfish in vain? Any advice on this matter would be appreciated. Well, the problem is, sir,you've stayed with her long enough that she's starting to get into your heart.You know, she was in your balls first, but then, you know, now she's up in your chest. So, uh,what would you do? I mean, well, I mean, you have to make the choice. Look, you either accepther for who she is and you introduce her to people around you, or you get rid of her becauseyou're going to hurt her. You know? That's it. I don't want the fuck else to tell you.
02:01:24I hope I didn't come off like a dick there, but I mean, that's, uh,that's just, that's the deal. You got to make the choice. All right? Okay. Well, that's thepodcast for this week. Everybody, I apologize for being a moron and forgetting the plug and all thatshit, but, um, I did take a lot of video this week that I'm going to try to have uploaded ontothe podcast page and all that. I'll try to make it up that way. Um, my, my iPhone pictures andvideos as I'm driving, and I know it's not safe to be doing that. You don't need to point outall the people on the motorcycles. I know that I was taking people's lives in danger, you know,endangering their lives. So before you think you're the most clever cunt on the fucking internet.
02:02:05Um, all right. And send me all your hacky fucking shit about first world problems andall that, all those other catchphrases. Um, anyways, here we go. Wrap ups. All right, guys,now that the show's over, don't forget to support our sponsors. If you can get started with thefree 30 day trial of E voice. As I mentioned, E voice gives you a toll free one 800 numberor local number so you can call so you can take business calls from anywhere and always soundlike you're at the office. Also, we voice has grace features like dial by name directory andeven transcribe your voicemail so you can read them at a conference. All right,go to evoice.com and enter the promo code bill for your 30 day free trial.
02:02:43Or go to the podcast page, billbird.com, click on E voice.Also, don't forget to sign up for Hulu plus. It lets you binge on, binge on thousands of hitshows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet, sport this podcast and get an extendedfree trial of Hulu plus. When you go to the podcast page, billbird.com and click on the Hulu plusbanner. Um, and finally dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr dollarshaveclub.com forwardslash burr. All right, you want to stop getting f'd over buying razor blades. Not only are yougoing to get them for a fraction of the cost they can deliver them right to your damn house.High quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail.
02:03:24I love these guys and you will too. All right. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Just goto the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the dollarshaveclub banner and that is theshow for this week. Um, thank you so much to everybody who came out in Boise and Bozeman,Montana for everybody else. Deadwood, Wichita, Tulsa, Colorado Springs, El Paso, all those otherdates. I am making those up. I'm doing them two, three at a time, two down like eight cities to go.I'm bringing the t-shirts and I'll do a nice long show for you, uh, because I fucked you over.I didn't fuck you over. I got an acting gig. What am I supposed to do? You know,but, uh, I'm going to make it up to you. All right. Thanks for listening and go fuck yourselves.
02:04:12And now there's the long silence because I can't find the stop button and there it is.I can't no longer listen.I can't just, I can't bow, can't do.I can't just, I can't bow, can't do.I can't just, I can't bow, can't do.
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