Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-15

Episode Date: July 31, 2015

Bill rambles about rested Tom Brady, forced feeding and the Love Boat.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday. What's going on? How are you? Just checking in on you. You having a good week?

Huh? You getting along with people? Are they driving you nuts? Do you got somebody that you're not talking to? I am not talking to that person. Huh? What a fucking waste of energy there. You know how many times in my fucking life I've been involved with not talking to somebody?

How much fucking effort it takes to not look at somebody that you're not talking to in a goddamn room? You know? So fucking weird to know somebody, know they're in a room, and not fucking talk to. You can't even focus on the person you're talking to. It's weird because if they were complete strangers, you wouldn't even notice them unless they had a nice wreck. Or if you're an ass man like me, they got a nice ass, you know, you do that thing where

you kind of, you know, you're looking around, I'm like, I'm like, you're stretching. Um, so anyways, what's going on with you guys? You know, it's Thursday, Thursday, lighten up. Lighten up. Just, just, just fucking, you know, smooth out the, the bridges there, whatever, build the bridges there, whatever the fuck you say, just walk up to somebody and say, listen, you know what, yeah, and I still think you're a cunt, but, uh, I'm still gonna say alodia because I'm sick of not saying alodia.

So hey, how are you? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's good. I fuck off now. You know, just leaving that option open because it doesn't mean you, you can't cut somebody out of your fucking life either. Don't ever be afraid to do that. Don't ever be afraid to treat somebody like a fucking tumor.

Um, I don't know why I'm saying all this shit. Um, I'm actually, you know, I'm in a great fucking mood. Oh, Billy Redface has been fucking, uh, first time in my life, I've been working in Hollywood 23 years, I'm working in Hollywood. Up until now, all I've done is a random acting gig and I've done standup. And we all know that's not working. That's just fun. Um, over the last week to keep you guys interested, to keep stoking the fires here, uh, me and

the guys down at Wild West, the men and women down at Wild West have been editing, uh, the six episodes of F is for Family that's coming out on Netflix in December. And, um, Jesus Christ, dude, Jesus Christ, um, all new. I already had respect for fucking editors and all of that type of shit, but actually going through the fucking process. Um, I just, just been going all fucking day long and into the night and all of that shit. But I got to tell you this, I am so ridiculously excited about this show. I think this might be the one.

This is, uh, I really got, uh, I'm not going to jinx it. I think it's, I'm hoping you guys are going to find it as funny as we're finding it. But, um, that comes out in December and, uh, I actually, we did some of the music yesterday, you wouldn't fucking believe all the shit you got to do. Next time you watch, uh, anything, just listen to the music, the transition. Like we got to sit there and watch the fucking episode. And when you go from one fucking thing that's going on to another thing, it's like, do you need like some music there?

If we do what kind of music or this emotion is happening, what sort of music that doing that, you know, I got to be honest with you, I love music, but doing it that way, it becomes fucking work. But, uh, I still had a good time because, um, the studio that, uh, does the music, um, they got this one classic song that we're, that we're going to buy. You got to buy the music, right? And one of the cool characters is driving down the street, not to give anything away here.

And, uh, they let me play the drums over the drum track to put it on there just to some fucking cool to do. And, uh, I got to tell you, it's one of the coolest fucking things I ever got to do. And, uh, this guy had a home studio where they built a room inside of the room. And I was blown away because my whole life, I picked a fucking instrument. We have to go typical fucking comedian, right? I'm already isolated enough, already enough of a loner, already enough of a psycho.

I picked drums where you basically have to go play in some studio space in a warehouse in the middle of some fucking trucking district. So you don't piss off your neighbors and seeing this person, you know, person at a house, you know, with people right on either side, one of those, reach out the window and touch your neighbor's house. And they had built a room within the fucking room. I mean, granted, it cost a fortune, but dude, like you're in there. It's drums.

You got to have your plugs. You go outside fucking dudes playing. All you just heard was it was so fucking quiet. I couldn't believe it. So now, of course, I'm obsessed with that. And, uh, I don't have any room in my house to do it, but I'm thinking like, you know, this kitchen, uh, you know, we don't need to sit down to have breakfast. I could fucking build a little room within a room.

All right. I could put my fucking, uh, my drum drums right in there that I'm staring at right now that I can't fucking play. 71 Ludwig green sparkle, right? Got to fucking play, gotta play them. I actually, this is well fucked up. This is, I actually have professional carrying cases for my drums because I have to pack them up, put them in the back of my truck and drive them to a

fuck if I want to play them. I just can't sit down like all you cunts who play the ukulele, right? Just sit down in your jam, jams and cross your fucking legs and start singing tip through to through the tulips, whatever the fuck you do with the fucking windows open, nobody gives a shit, right? It's a ukulele. If you get a noise complaint for a ukulele, do you have any idea how bad you suck?

I'm just saying. All right. The greatest drummer in the world could be playing drums. Somebody next door is going to be like, shut up. Get up. They're going to freak the fuck out. Um, so what? Typical.

Why, why would I pick something so anti-social? So anyways, so we've been having a great time and, um, I gotta tell you, man, I think it's a fucking great goddamn show and, um, everybody, we got so many people on Sam Rockwell, Justin Long fucking crushing it on this thing. They got me laughing, watching these tapes like 50 fucking times in a row and they still got me laughing. Um, uh, I don't know. All right, whatever, whatever.

Let's just plow ahead here. Okay. Let's make a little geek out fucking excited about this thing. You know what I'm loving about it is Netflix is letting me, letting us be like stand up comedy funny because they don't have any fucking advertisers, right? They don't have them. Well, what about fucking cunts from the age of 12 to 13 and a half? Aren't you, uh, you know, fucking, uh, I don't know, suggesting that they sniff

glue, whatever the fucking is that they do. You know, I don't even know what they say because I just glaze over. I glaze over whenever I'm meeting and that happens during a script thing. I hope for my whole career. I just glazed over and there's just something in my head going, yeah, yeah. So don't pick it up. Don't pick it up. Fuck it.

Let's end this business relationship. Let's get out of here. I'm going to go back down to the comedy club and have a good fucking time. So again, this, this goddamn romper room shit where you got a babysit adults. Every fucking joke you tell whatever. Staying positive here. Speaking of staying positive, old Tom Brady, the man you all want to be the life you all want to have.

I got such a kick out of everybody trying to rub it in that they upheld his suspension and by they, I mean the guy who gave, who gave out the fucking suspension, who then was judging jury. Gee, did we lose? Um, I can't tell you how fucking excited I am to have a rested, pissed off. With something extra to prove Tom Brady coming in game five. All right. All you fucking NFL fans out there who are loving this shit, right?

Cause you don't have a dimple in your fucking chin. You don't got a supermodel on your arm. You don't got a great head of hair. That's me. Um, but I don't resent him for it. I'm rooting for, I'm rooting for, I'm rooting for his hairline. Um, that fucking guy is going to come back. I'm telling you right now.

He's, he's just going to fuck, he's going to fucking destroy. He's never going to address this thing again. And he's going to go in there and he's going to kick the shit out of people. And then I just can't wait to see what the fuck the Colts are going to whine about next year. What are the Ravens going to whine about next year? What, what, what are they going to whine about? Those two upstanding football fucking clubs.

Jesus Christ. Do you realize if Robert Kraft had the personal life of Jim Ursay, it would never be off of ESPN. I'm telling you right now, man, if you want to be a complete degenerate, do it in the fucking Midwest cause nobody gives a shit. All right. The press is in New York and they're in LA and maybe they'll, they'll, they'll, if they're cheap bastards, they'll stop off in fucking Chicago to get themselves

a, I don't know what a fucking hot dog, whatever the fucking issue people lead out there, they don't give a fuck. If there's no ocean near it. Okay. There has to be stacks of bodies before the mainstream press gives a flying fuck. So if you're a complete piece of shit, I mean, I'm telling you, Indiana's the place to live.

Indiana is the place to live. If you're in the clan, you know, even one of the highest clan memberships in the country. And what does Hollywood do? They make these golly G.R. Shucks movie about basketball teams, a bunch of white people playing with their fucking globetrotters shorts on, even though they're not on the globetrotters. Right?

I mean, I'm talking about. So anyways, um, I got such a, this one kid wrote, he goes, Tom Brady's legacy is destroyed. That was it amongst who, huh? Guys like you who wear fucking somebody else's jersey and you sit there eating wings, becoming even fatter, getting another chin on your fucking face. It's destroyed with you. Do you think he gives a fuck?

His reputation is not destroyed amongst any of the all time great football players. That's all he gives a fuck about. All right. And is that the, you know what I love about? He gets a suspension. There was no proof while he had a bunch of circumstantial evidence. All right. And the best you got him on is taking a cunt hair of air out of a ball.

That's all you have, which is basically watching somebody hit a 500 foot fucking home run, but they have too much pine tar. And then you're trying to be like, well, if you didn't have the pine tar, he would have grounded out to short. What? He, oh yeah, we, we won by 38 points. Is that what you're telling me? Whatever.

Enjoy it. Enjoy it. You got something to say to a Patriots fan when you fucking lose to us again next year. All right. So enjoy it. And as I mentioned before, I'm totally on board with Don Sweeney now. I gotta be.

I'm a Bruins fan. Fuck it. I've had my little pout. I love Lucic. Always will. Same thing with Dougie Hamilton. But what am I going to do? They're not Bruins anymore.

What am I going to not watch the fucking Bruins? Am I going to start watching Calgary up there in the fucking saddle though? No, I love the Kings, man, but I'm not going to find yet. And I will, you know, the only good thing about the Lucic Strait is I got to fucking drive down the Staples Center. I can watch them just sitting in the crowd crying. We miss you, man. So, but I'm going with this.

This is my obvious prediction with Don Sweeney. And this is why I love the guy already. He is either this is going to be either an absolute fucking debacle or he's going to be considered an absolute genius. And I'm telling you, you got to respect a man that's who finally gets this job, who's got the balls to come in day one. And in the short term, piss off the fan base, risking in the end that they're all going to be loving him, carrying him down the street when we win another cup.

He's going all in nothing with this. And I love it. So I'm going to sit here and I'm going to watch this Bruin season. Well, I don't even know if we'll make the playoffs, but I'm going to watch. I'm going to look for the raise of light as they're gradually building this thing up and then you try, you know, so fucked up now. It's like you literally have like three years as a GM now to start with nothing and to somehow turn it all around and win a cup or they fucking shove you off.

But whatever. Whatever. My fucking hats off for Don Sweeney, for having the fucking balls to do it. And if it doesn't work out, I forgive him. The fuck you get? Somebody's got the balls to do that. You know, I don't know what. So this is how starved I am for fucking sports right now at this time of year.

Is it me? Or does the WNBA not the level of play is not nearly as bad as it was years ago? And I'm looking at the highlights and it looks pretty fucking entertaining to me. I'm just saying entertaining. All right. I know that they can't jump as high as the guys and all that shit. But at the end of the day, I tell you, I watched that women's world cup. It was fucking phenomenal.

Very entertaining. I will watch. I like women's soccer better than men's soccer. The women, they get knocked down. They get back up. They don't fucking, you know, rolling around on the ground like the guys doing the shit they do. And then when they don't get the yellow car, the red car, whatever the fuck it is, they sit there on their knees, you know, with their eyes all up and fucking their hands out.

Like they're singing the last few notes in an opera. The fuck up off the ground. Jesus Christ. You're a disgrace. Anyways, does that mean I'm going to go out of the way to sit down and watch a WNBA game? No, I won't. But if I'm flipping through the channels, I'm not going to shut up. You'll be great if WNBA became this great thing.

Because right now they would be in the fucking ABA years. You know what I mean? If I was in broadcasting right now and I couldn't get in with the big boys, I'd fucking try to do a WNBA game. Try to get him with them the way Bob Costas got in with the ABA. Right? He got in and he became a made guy. Look at him now.

It's what you got to do when they're in the Jackie Moon years. Is that the name of Will Ferrell's character? I don't fucking know. So anyway, so they upheld the Tom Brady thing. Who's kidding who? Off the record, the guy destroys his cell phone. That's not a good look. Does it make sense?

Does his defense make sense? Absolutely. What's Tom Brady going to do? Throw out his cell phone with a bunch of Hall of Fame numbers in there? You know? A bunch of supermodels phone. He can't throw the fucking thing out. He's got to destroy it.

I would think a lot of famous people have to destroy their cell phones, their laptops, everything before they throw it out. Do I think that, you know what? Do I think that he knew about the fucking football thing? He probably did. Do I think it's like this epic level of fucking cheating? And that's why we won? No, not even remotely.

I think it's a little bit of gamesmanship. And I think Jim Ursay is a fucking baby. And that if anybody did what he did to our team, you'd find shit that they're doing. Now I know a lot of you guys were like, oh no, only the Patriots cheat. And I don't know what to tell you. I don't know, you know, if you can't be honest about your own fucking team, I'm sure the Patriots have been the fucking rules.

But you know, do you think the Buffalo Bills don't? They've never won a Super Bowl. Jesus fucking Christ. If you caught them dead to rights, not just hearsay with Brady, if you caught the Buffalo Bills dead to rights, I mean, I don't think that you get punished. They've tried everything else.

They've tried every legitimate way of fucking winning, right? They're actually gonna be good this year, man. I think Rex Ryan's gonna do real well with that fucking team because he's a defensive-minded guy. They already have a great defense. And I think they led the league in sacks, according to this person that I talked to who was not connected to the NFL in any way.

All right, I think they're gonna do okay. And you know what? I bet they play us early on when Brady's not playing and they're gonna win. And guess who I'm gonna get a call from? Oh, Shredden Reagan. I hear from those guys once every six years because that's how long it takes a team from Buffalo

to beat anybody from Boston. I'm being a cunt. You know, that's what I do. That's what I do on here. Little nice little surf and turf. Little sugar, little salt. Go fuck yourself. All right, let's read a couple of advertising here.

And I'll try to be a good boy. I'll try to be a good boy as I read this shit so I don't get fucking trouble again. Well, you don't like the way you said the beaks or the chickens were cut off? Well, then sell your fucking chicken in your a's. All right, mile IQ everybody. Mile IQ.

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What am I speaking to a toddler? So anyways, what else did I want to talk about? What do I have for being force-fed? Do you guys see this story? I didn't really see the story. What I did was I just looked up fucking Google News, says prisoners on hunger strike in Israel may be force-fed under new law. Are they going to do it like they do to the ducks?

Like stick a funnel in them? That foie gras? I fucking hate that shit, man. I fucking... Why do we have to do that? How do you force-feed a duck, man? How do you... First of all, how do you not like a duck?

I'm not going to lie to you. I'll fucking... I... Duck is delicious. When I was overseas, I had this breast of duck that was fucking outstanding. All right? But as far as I know, the thing wasn't force-fed. You know what I mean?

What you want to do with animals is you let them live a life. And then in the end, you take them out like stacks and fucking good fellas. All right? You have the duck put on a pot of coffee. You know what I mean? He's walking around in his yellow skibbies and you come up right behind him with a silencer. Big bang. Done.

Nothing. He said they're sticking a funnel in his fucking mouth. All right, Jerusalem. Jerusalem. This is where Jesus washed his feet. Jerusalem. Stick some paper in a wall. Maybe something invisible will care and make your dreams come true.

But it's your wall. Shoot anyone else. This is if you had the love boat in the Middle East. Dig in or drill in oil. Fuddling the money through the mosque to the terrorist. Soon they'll be blowing up a pizza parlor. All right. Israel legislator voted Thursday to allow the force feeding of hunger striking prisoners in extreme cases.

By the way, shout out to anybody in one of those countries. So who's listening to this fucking thing, you know, who plays drums, you know, how are you? How are you me over there? How's it going? Anyways, a move that appeared to be aiming at preventing Palestinian inmates from using fast to win their release, particularly from indefinite incarceration. Well, right there, you got to say, what are they in jail for? And then you also got to be like, well, what?

Well, if they want to starve themselves to death, doesn't that save you money? Or they become a martyr. They're already in jail. They're already a martyr. So why don't you just let them fucking not eat? Huh? You know, it usually helps when you fucking read up on these things. This is me.

If I ever did the national news, I'd wear a suit, though, I would dress up. Good evening, Nightly News. A professional is not into that. I'm Bill Burr. Rights groups condemn the move. And the Israeli Medical Association called it torture and vowed, well, wait a minute, it's torture to force feed somebody. How do you force feed somebody?

You know what you do is you make like a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but there's no peanut butter because you don't want it to be hard to go down. You wet the bread like that Asian dude does when he wins the hot dog contest against all those fucking fat fucks over there in Coney Island, right? You wet down. It's a jelly sandwich. You ball it up and you just walk towards it. You have it behind your back, you know?

And then, you know, you go, hey, look at that. When he's not looking, you're clashing your ham on the nape of his neck and then you just fucking shove it in. Right? Most talk about fucking stamina, you know what I mean? If somebody's trying to force feed me, if I was starving myself, they came up with a sandwich, you know, four hours in. I'd just be like, hey, no, there's no reason to do that.

I'll eat it. I wish you didn't dunk it under the water, but this point has been four hours. I don't give a fuck. I'll eat it. All right. Anyways, in recent years, hundreds of Palestinians have conducted collective individual hunger strikes. Let's get to force feeding.

How the fuck does that work? He said force feeding went on. I thought they just stuck like an IV in you. Wait a second. Wait a second. Where the fuck is that? That's the part. It's absolutely clear that this is torture.

All right. Wait a minute. So now, now what do you think I'm going to Google, huh? I'm not going to Google the fucking weather. Force feeding. What the fuck did I get on this subject? Methods. Open your mouth or we'll shove it up your digestive tract.

Force feeding. Guantanamo force feeding. Here's what really happens when you force feed someone. This is somebody that, you know, who the fuck knows. Okay. There seems to be a wire here. The medical association, the Red Cross, both condemned force feeding, widespread condemnation. Nobody likes it.

All right. So they stick you in a fucking chair that looks like one of the prototypes for those weeder gym things. You know, like just imagine if you work in your upper chest. So you got to just at a 45 degree angle and then they got these two like cushion things. So you can't turn your head. You don't like the neck pillow. Just imagine if it was for the side of your face.

They got these two giant blocks on either side. Then they strap you in and they wheel you in like fucking Hannibal Lecter placement. All they put a feeding tube. Oh, they shove it up your nose. No matter the circumstance, placing the feeding tube is tricky, especially when the subject is thrashing around saying, stop doing that. It's also vital. Doctors perform this procedure even on willing patients have noted that the tube can go through

the nose out of the mouth at which points it has to be pulled out and replaced. The tube can also be, can go down the windpipe instead of the esophagus and forcing food into someone's lung can cause permanent pneumonia or collapsed lung or death. Why aren't they coughing at that point? All right. So that's how they do it. A feeding tube starvation and refeeding. Force feeding isn't something that is done on one missed meal.

A person who is force fed is often been starving themselves for days. There are complications that come with feeding someone who has stopped eating entirely. One of which is called refeeding syndrome. When a person has starved themselves for days, their body metabolism has shifted, shifting it back with a sudden large thing, releases insulin. All right. This is basically awful. Isn't this fucking terrible how we can't get along to this fucking point

that you actually have to put somebody in a jail and then they stop eating and then you got to force feed them and not because you give a fuck whether they live or not. This is just depressing. We're fucking animals, man. You know what I mean? We really are. At the end of the fucking day, half the shit we do. You know what I mean?

Just watch the discovery channel one time when they show monkeys and the horrible shit that they do to each other. Now that we're finally past the fact that we realize a fucking chimpanzee can rip your face off and that they also eat meat and they eat other monkeys and they enjoy slowly killing them very sadistically, like the fucking parallels to human beings. It's unbelievable. We're fucking animals. Fucking animals.

So that's why I don't watch the news. That's why I don't talk. How fucking disgusting was that? All right. That's 28 minutes, everybody. Sorry for the force feeding thing. You did get to listen to me sing the Love Boat theme about the Middle East. All right.

So anyways, I'm back to playing hockey, which I'm psyched about because I embarrassed myself so much when I was up in Canada. And that's a good move, Bill. Don't play hockey for a while and then go play in Canada. I'm sure you'll match up well. I actually played last Tuesday night, which is great too for the fucking trying to lose the weight here. I'm down to $0.78.

All right. Supposed to be $1.77 by Sunday. To lose my three pounds for the fucking week. And once I get to $1.77, then the next one's $1.74. And that's when it starts to get exciting for me, right? That's when the, you know what? I've learned about trying to get abs, especially at my advanced age, is the top two abs, they're easy. You know, that's like that chick that would fuck anybody in the high school.

It's just, you know, it's, if you don't have the top two abs, like, I don't know what to talk to. I came fucking talk to you. All right. The middle ones are motherfuckers. And the last two, I know you have eight packs. The eight packs are those long fucking ones. And that's when you got to show people your pubes. So I'm, I have no interest in those fucking things, but those bottom two,

the ones that are basically the security for your navel, those two, that that it's basically, it's fucking impossible. You know what I mean? That's like one of those deals where you got to be starving yourself and eating a whole chicken every other hour to keep your body burning. This one, the trainers use that thing. It's basically, they use that creepy shit like basically your body is eating itself. You know, sitting with your fucking orange tan.

Well, it's a looks business. It's all about looks. All right. This is your, this is your Monday. This is your Thursday afternoon fucking podcast. All right. I don't know what the hell you guys want from me. Look at that.

Bam, 30 minutes and just like that. Um, I'm actually, you know what? I'm actually starting to take drum lessons again. I had so much fun when I was up in Montreal. And typical me, I got like 10 fucking things going on once I'm editing the show. I'm taking drum lessons. And then I also enrolled in the, uh, that helicopter safety course because I want to start getting my cross country miles up.

You know what I mean? Which is basically anytime you fly like round trip, I guess 25 miles away from the airport, something like that. I don't fucking know what I'm talking about. Um, but, uh, I just want to have all the emergency procedures down. So I'm going to learn how to do that fucking an auto rotation. I'll have to take it all the way down to the fucking ground, pick out a spot, bring that fucker all the way down to the ground.

And then, you know what? Then I can fly around out there. I can feel good, get myself my 200 hours. Plus, if you have less than 200 hours, you got to do an annual review. And who wants to do that? 200 hours. It's every two fucking years. Right.

So then I can blow off studying for 23 months instead of fucking 11. I'm going to be in the same boat. What are you going to do? But, uh, I want to get my hours up to like 200 hours. And then I feel like once I have like 200 hours, and I've really flown around the LA base and I know all the fucking radio calls, got it down by heart. I really feel like I know what I'm doing.

Then and only then will I bring up a passenger. Um, but I'm really excited about it. And, uh, I don't know, I got ADD. I have to have at least three fucking things going on at once. And then my schedule gets totally overloaded. And then I'm like, what the fuck? And then my wife's like, you need to relax. And then I get rid of a couple of things.

And I chill for a few days or maybe even a week. And then it slowly builds back up again. And, um, that's, that's how I do it. So go fuck is not, I don't say that on Thursdays. You know what? Enjoy your weekend, you cunts. You know, I have a good fucking time. Oh, by the way, I want to learn how to smoke.

It's no thing I'm trying to do. I got, I've got some ribs this weekend. All right. Anybody else got the big green egg? Just tell me how high to pile the fucking charcoal. And then the hickory that I put in there, I'm a little confused about that. Do you always have to soak the hickory?

I know they have the hickory chips where you soak them, but if you get a big block of hickory, that doesn't need to be smoked, right? Just in general, that wood, when it lights, it's, it doesn't burn. It smokes. Am I correct in thinking that? Cause everything else, I'm fucking ready to go. I got the barbecue.

I got the rib rack. I got that barbecue guru thing that's got the fan on the fucking timer. I got the place set up. I'm ready to go. And what I want to do is basically just start doing it. Fuck it. Like I always do. How I always learn how to do shit.

Fucking up royally and making an ass on myself. And then gradually I get it down. So I'm interested in doing that. So if anybody, if you've done a pork shoulder on the, on the egg, or if you've done ribs, just let me know. I'm really interested in how that whole thing works, as far as building that fire and how the fuck it stays. Lit the whole night.

Like I watched this guy do a pork shoulder with pork butt more fucking accurate. And he, he put his, the things that were light in the charcoal, the little squares, he put them, he, the way he did it was he just stuck them on the left side, knowing that they were going to slowly, they'd light and then they'd slowly burn all the way across. And this fucking guy just went to bed and woke up like eight hours later. And he was still right at the temperature that he needed to be. And you know what I mean? I'm not the brightest guy that fucking blows my mind.

So if you guys know how to do it, please let me know. Cause I want to be one of those guys making YouTube videos going, oh, look at that smoke ring. Oh, would you look at that smoke ring? All right. So that's it. That's the Thursday afternoon podcast. Enjoy the, the throwback podcast here from a podcast a long time ago, from a time that was not now that was back then. That's it. Oh, hey.

And also I'm a book in my fall. I got a bunch of fucking dates coming up that it will be announced. And one granddaddy of them all. And I'll be announcing those soon. All right. So that's it. I gave you a little teaser, everybody. Start telling your friends. Oh, red face has a show called f is for family.

It's coming out on Netflix in December. And he's pretty, he's pretty excited about it. All right. Be the first to tell people to watch that show. So you can be the dude I called the guy. Whatever, just do me a solid. If you can, I appreciate it. If you can, I understand.

All right. That's good. Have a good weekend. You can come. All right. So let's get on with the podcast. Last week, ladies and gentlemen, I had the pleasure of performing on the David Letterman show. And most of you went out, you watched it,

and you all sent me wonderful emails about it. And I would read you the wonderful emails, but they're not funny. But you are in luck. You know what ones are funny? The ones where people did not like my performance. So let's read a couple of those, shall we? All right. Let's read the hate mail here.

So what happens with all of my hate mail is when people don't like my act is you can't just write me evidently and just say that you don't like my act. You don't appreciate what it is that I do on the stage. What you have to do first is you have to establish what an incredible sense of fucking humor you have and how open you are to all different forms of humor. You know, it's that classic thing like those douchebags on YouTube.

Obama's a fucking idiot and I'm a Democrat, right? So then we can be like, wow, this guy is left and even he doesn't like this lefty guy. So this is what they do. All right. So here, so these, both these emails follow to a goddamn fucking T to the motherfucking U and B. They follow it here. They follow that pattern. Bill, just read the fucking thing.

Okay. Here we go. All right. Hi there. How this one starts starts off nice enough. Hi there. I've been a fan for a while. You seem to have a unique take on things. Look at this, huh? Pat me on the head. Let me sniff her hand, making me nice and fucking relax. I loved your bit about the muffins and the mass vehicular murder. So there you go. She just showed how it just, her sense of humor spans the globe.

Whether I'm attacking food or actually running over human beings on the sidewalk. She finds it all funny though. And here's the rub though as a stay at home mom. I now completely despise you. I did this bit about being a stay at home mom. Um, so anyway, she says the hardest part about being a stay at home mom is being respect is being disrespected by everyone. I now hope the worst for you, despite what funny acts you may think up in the future,

you are a jerk and deserve the worst that life has to offer. I don't fucking, I don't, I don't understand. Like these, this is the classic fucking person where everything is funny until it comes around to some shit in her life. And I make some fun of some shit that she's doing being a stay at home mom. And now all of a sudden she goes from being a fan of mine to now I am a jerk and deserve the worst that life has to offer. That's, that's a fucking hardcore that you deserve the worst that life has to offer.

So what I'm going to get leprosy and be constipated all at the same time and fucking survive a plane crash, but not in a good way. You know, anyways, I don't fucking really, you're going to take it to that level. So I wrote her back and I said, uh, sweetheart, Oprah Winfrey called your job the toughest job on the planet on national television and got an applause break of approval. How much more respect do you need? I think that's a great point.

If I can step outside the email, break the fucking fourth wall. Is that what it is? The third wall? I never knew what the fuck it was. Huh? Oprah Winfrey's on TV saying you have the toughest job on the planet and everybody claps. All right.

Did she say being a stand up comedian is the toughest job on the planet? You think you know what it's like to be fucking disrespected? You apron wearing sheltered son of a bitch, huh? You want to talk about being disrespected? Look at fucking comedians. Anytime they show a comedian in a movie, is it a Chris Rock level comic? It never is. It's the fucking hack with the lampshade on his head going,

walka, walka, right? Then the fucking comedian gets shot in his gut during Scarface. Huh? Did a fucking stay at home mom get shot in the fucking stomach with that Mr. Potato Head mask on her face during that show? No. You know why? Because she was at home taking care of the fucking kids.

Ah, Jesus Christ. I'm just going to read the rest of this email. That didn't even fucking make sense. It started off funny and then it just went right off the rails. Like a Prius that you can't fucking stop. Anyways, she says, so I wrote, I wrote, how much more respect do you need? And then I said, meanwhile,

there are children working in sweatshops. Would you rather be a stay at home mom or an eight year old sewing adidas together for 16 hours a day? I came up with another great example that I wish I had used on TV. How about, how about you work on one of those fucking oil rigs? Like those poor bastards who work for BP. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, the fucking thing explodes. You're standing on a metal structure in the middle of the goddamn ocean.

And next thing you know, it blows up, probably blew up both of your air drums. You're deaf now and you're on fire. All right. And your only option is either burning to death or jumping off of basically the equivalent of the top of a brownstone. Trying to enter the water without doing the world's biggest flaming belly flop. Right.

You land in the water, second and third degree burns in salt water. All right. Puss in blood is oozing into the water. And now all you can do is pray to God that the Coast Guard gets there before his sea of sharks eat you alive. All right. You want to do that or you want to watch Bob the Builder for the 800th time. Lighten up.

And then I wrote, oh, and don't despise or hope the worst for me. That causes premature aging, hugs. I know that was kind of mean to say, but you know what? Go fuck yourself. All right. Here's another one. Once again, we have to establish credibility at the top of the email.

Are you guys ready for the credibility to be established? Jesus Christ, I know I am. Here we go. Bill, I am never appalled or capital letters offended by comedy that I see in here. All capital's a sentence. I have a great sense of humor. Wow, this is unbelievable. Isn't that amazing podcast listeners?

This person is never appalled or offended by comedy that she sees or hears. She has a great sense of humor. She has such a great sense of humor people that she had to yell it at me in emails. All right. So just no way she had a problem with my act, right? Let's read the rest of the email. However, oh, Jesus, your appearance on the David Letterman show that I just watched just put down women and motherhood to an extent that is just downright unbelievable dot, dot, dot.

Now she's going to yell again and tasteless. Now she yells for the rest of this email, but I'm going to spare you guys. All right. I'm going to read it in soothing tones, but she's screaming the entire time. That's what I'm guessing because it's all capital letters. Um, this is what she says. I challenge you to be a single parent and raise a child and work and attend college alone without any help. Just in case you don't know what being a single parent means.

All right. Um, you have no idea how hard it really is. I am disgusted with your act and will not ever buy any of your DVDs, etc. For the first time in my life, I am disgusted with comedy. Your comedy. That is, I guess she starts speaking like in film noir. I'm disgusted with this comedy. Your comedy.

That is, see? Yeah, 23. She could do all right. Your act touched on many topics that you were disgraceful and very unappealing. I think she's got so mad. She stopped writing sentences. Um, first of all, sweetheart, I wasn't making fun of a single, uh, single, uh, parents,

but I was making fun of single parents. Nobody would laugh. I was talking about stay at home moms. All right. You don't remember that line hanging out all day making grilled cheese sandwiches. You're giving a puppet show. You dress like a dragon and then some other adult comes home and gives you money. You're like a big kid.

That's some other adult coming home giving you money as your fucking husband. You're dumb broad. Do I gotta fucking spell it out to you? So I just wrote her back. I just said I wasn't talking about single moms. I was talking about stay at home moms. You weren't listening. And I've actually been talking about this shit on stage and, uh, I don't give a fuck

because it's such a topical bit. I don't even know if people are going to think it's funny in a month, but, uh, can we please talk about fucking Bill O'Reilly going on the view? Um, I gotta, I gotta tell you something right now. I don't like that guy's politics. I don't like his face. He has, he has that racist face. You know, his, when he gets mad, his fucking, his face gets pointy.

He just looks evil. He's just not a pleasant human being whatsoever. But I gotta tell you, he fucking destroyed on the view. You know, and I somewhere in there was a victory for men because he took on four fucking women. They were all yelling and he got two of them to walk off their own fucking show. How do you do that? I, as a comedian, I was embarrassed that two standup comedic comics just quit,

which is why I'm nominating Joy Behar and whoopee Goldberg is douchebags of the week. What, what did you think was going to, do you think he was going to go? No, wait, don't leave. That's exactly what the fuck he wanted you to do. I was actually hoping at that point that the other two women were going to leave and then he could just start hosting the O'Reilly factor on the view. That would have been, he just totally 100% dominated at the very least that segment. Cause I don't, I don't watch that fucking show, but just, he just came on.

First of all, he sits down. He's got on that shiny fucking Joe Pessie shoot, Joe Pessie, Pessie suit. It's difficult to say Joe Pessie suit and he's got his fucking leg spread, like with his ball bag hanging, his shiny ball bag. He looked like, if you ever see like a, when Kennedy debated Nixon, how, if you listen to it on the radio, how everybody said Nixon won, but if you watched it on TV, Nixon was all tanned up. He had his legs crossed.

He looked like a winner and Nixon sat there with his fucking legs splayed and crossed like underneath the chair. He looked like a fucking moron. That's what Bill O'Reilly looked like and he just, he still dominated. I love when he turned to joy and was just whatever, I'm paraphrasing him, but he was just like, be quiet and learned. And she had nothing, a fucking standup comic. She had nothing.

The whole segment was fucking hilarious. And when he goes, another gem of a moment was when he goes, you know, a lot of people don't realize this, but 70% of Americans don't want a mosque at ground zero. And Joy goes, she goes, well, I'd like to see that, that poll or something like, and as she's saying that the crowd is applauding what Bill O'Reilly just said. So you really don't need to see the poll at that point. And getting beyond that, what he really should have said was 70% of Americans

don't realize that they're not building a mosque at ground zero. Still, that they're actually making a rec room with a ping pong table in an area to pray, kind of like they have an area to pray at every fucking airport. You know, three, four blocks up the street at a goddamn coat factory is where it's actually being built. But the fact that he said that they're still building a mosque and that he got an applause break, Joy is so wrapped up into her own fucking opinion that she doesn't even hear her own studio audience back up the guy that she's trying to shit on.

And the fact that this fucking guy is still putting out inaccurate information that people are still back. And I mean, it just was fucking awesome on all of those levels. And I like how Barbara Walters was old school, cool. And she didn't walk off. She gave those two douchebags of the week shit for walking off their own show. And then she got him with a nice little classy zinger. He said, Bill O'Reilly's on here this week.

When we come back, we're going to talk. Oh, he's on the show today. We're going to when we come back, he's going to talk about his new book called Pinheads and Patriots. And then she looked at Bill and she goes at this point. I'm not sure which you are or something like that. It was a great little zinger, but she wasn't like judging the guy. I don't know that the whole thing was funny.

And just how Bill O'Reilly is viewed as this intolerant person. And then he comes on the show of, I guess, mostly liberals. And then they show absolutely no tolerance for him. And then throw a fucking tamper tantrum and walk off their own goddamn show. I mean, you can't tell me everybody over at Fox News wasn't literally jerking off to that moment. Bill O'Reilly almost became a fucking rock star in that moment. That was that was like a stand up comic moment that he did to two comedians, which blew my mind. You know, and I know I'm always trash in the broads on this show.

But that really was a chick way of handling losing an argument. Like I'm just going to get off up in Storma. He is so used to people paying for your drinks and holding the goddamn door for you. You actually thought that as an adult that you were just going to walk off the show. And this was going to be this big moment. And he was going to be like, oh, wait a minute, let me stop. I loved it. He was like, go ahead and leave.

I don't give a fuck. I'll take over your fucking show. So anyways, there you go. Douchebags of the week, Joe Bayhar and Whoopi Goldberg for walking off your own fucking show with a shiny suit. Fucking I can't say he's a moron because he does know. I mean, look, he's very read up on that. But yeah, I don't know.

I'm too stupid. This is why I wouldn't. This is right here. I would never engage as much as I disagree with his opinions. I don't fucking pay attention to politics at all. I don't. I find it frustrating. I find it to be just a rigged fucking guy.

I don't give a fuck, you know? And so I would never try to, as much as I disagree with Bill O'Reilly, I would never go on his show and try to fucking one up the guy and think I'm going to beat the guy in an argument about politics. It's like he's paying attention to these politicians the way I give a fuck about football. I'm not going to I'm not going to win that argument. I mean, why don't I bring fucking Roy Jones Jr. over and start debating him about boxing? I don't know.

It's just it was it was fucking hilarious at the whole thing was just it was hilarious. And big, big fucking victory for that fucking. I don't know. I don't know. I was kind of as a stand up comic. You fucking you just tap out. That was embarrassing. Anyways, let's get on with the goddamn podcast for this week.

I kind of like that. Do you guys like that format? Just getting the douchebag of the week out of the way right off the fucking bat. You know what this reminds you guys have a haze. Anybody at work? I used to work in this warehouse and we were we were a bunch of fucking maniacs and all day long. All we did was break balls. I've told you this shit before because we were basically mentally

smart enough to work in a warehouse by the time you went third grade. You know what I mean? It's supposed to be 10 boxes according to the packing list. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. There you go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. Sorry. Sesame Street flashback.

So we used to fuck around all the time and our manager had no control over us. You know, we didn't respect him. We knew he wasn't going to in fire. We wasn't going to fire us. He didn't have the goddamn heart. And at the end of the day, we got a fucking job done. So he decides that we're the problem is that we're all too fucking young. There's a level of immaturity out there because we were all in our early twenties

that we that he should hire. He hired this 38 year old guy. I actually remember his name, but I'm not going to name names on this shit. And Jesus Christ, that fucking guy's almost 60. He was like 38 and that was 22 fucking years ago. He's 60. What the fuck? So anyways, this guy drove a fucking sky blue Chevy Cavalier station wagon, four door

bare bones, factory fucking rims. The car was like three years old. He had 8000 miles on it. All right. And this guy was a weirdo and he had these fucking glasses, these black frame glasses that nobody wore in the 80s. So we immediately started calling him Woody. We'd be, hey, Woody, how many boxes we get over there?

And this guy was just bizarre. And he come over, why you call me Woody? Are you trying to bring me down? So he kept saying, you're trying to bring me down. Did I already tell this fucking story? This sounds oddly familiar to me. So we would just fuck with them. We would just be like, okay, at 431 today,

everybody just start going Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. And that's what we would do. He would be picking orders down in the in the warehouse area. And we would all be picking orders with them and then out of nowhere. We would just start going, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. At the top of our fucking lungs. I know it's fucking soft morrick, but it would, and we wouldn't say it to him. We would just fucking be, it was really passive aggressive

because he already talked to management about us calling him Woody. So it's like, dude, we're not calling you Woody. We're just going, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. Look in your vicinity. So we do the same thing. You're trying to bring me down. You're trying to bring me down. So eventually we haze this guy so much that he fucking quit.

Right. He and his little Chevy Cavalier fucking four door sky blue bare bone station wagon drove right out in the back of my head. I was like, you know what? I got a bad feeling that motherfuckers coming back. It was right around the time when people first started going postal. So it wasn't enough that we actually drove this guy out of work. One of the fucking maniacs I worked with somehow got the guy's home phone number.

And the following week, he still didn't have a job and he picked up the phone. He's like, hello. And there was 10 of us standing around the phone. And we all go, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. And I always pictured him slamming the phone down and then looking up like that dude in a clockwork, work orange when he realizes the dude who came and fucking kicked the shit out of him and raped his wife came back. That's kind of an ugly story, isn't it?

You know, for, you know, for as much as people sit there and they talk about this cyber bullying and all this type of shit and how fucking horrible it is, which it is obviously, you know, I don't like how everybody tries to act like they were a victim. I mean, weren't you a little bit of both? Because I know I used to get bullied. Jesus Christ, walking up the street looking like fucking that kid on the family Griffith. What the fuck is that? They have Andy Griffith.

How did I come up with the family Griffith? Ah, my fucking brain is mush. Yeah, people, you immediately came walking up the street, my fucking, my hair was orange when I was growing up. I think I didn't get the shit kicked out of me. You know, but then, you know, I got a little bit bigger. I got a couple more freckles. I got some more confidence and I just started picking on kids who were younger than I was.

So now, whenever I see those goddamn stories, I just, I don't know, I see both sides of it. I just see like, yeah, you shouldn't have fucking done that, but I don't judge the bully because I did shit like that. No, you guys didn't do shit like that. You know what? That's the theme of this whole podcast. Everybody can go fuck themselves.

Oh, you're busted.