Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-20

Episode Date: July 30, 2020

Bill rambles about earthquakes, WWII, and Mario Batali' cookware.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just checking it on you just checking in to see how your week's going Hope oh, hope it's going all right. I'm actually up early here. It's 520 floor in the morning We just had a fucking earthquake out here And I got to tell you something I am pretty Upset with the how complacent I am with earthquakes now. I Was in bed, of course, you know, I'm an old man. I go to bed around 07 30 7 35 Get up at 10 to take a little geritol

Of course, my bladder starts talking around 130. No, I'm kidding and I went to bed at like midnight. All right I still got a little life left in me So I'm sleeping as you do 430 in the morning unless you're a trucker trying to make that we're trying to make that deadline Son, you know fucking bed start shaking I wake up I hear something something smashed downstairs in the kitchen And I at no point Did I ever think that well, what if my house collapsed and all my loved ones, you know are trapped I didn't even think that I just laid there. I was just like, oh It's an earthquake

Wasn't there some fucked-up experiment where they stuck a rat in a In in boiling water If you stuck it in boiling if you just dropped it in boiling water immediately jumped out and tried to get out But if you stuck it in there And you slowly increase the heat it would stay in there until it fucking died I don't know if it was a rat. I don't remember if it was an octopus. I don't know what the fuck they used Do you realize how fucked-up sciences sometimes this did they actually sit there killing animals To try and answer their fucking questions

All right, everybody we have a rat and over here we have a Boiling pot of water and oh here we have a room temperature Butter water pot of water. Hey, what we're gonna do is we're gonna drop this rat Into this boiling water and there's a bunch of people standing there with clipboards in fucking those fucking lab coats on and you know One of them has to be going like dude. I don't want to what don't fuck I don't want to watch you put a fucking rat in boiling water

I don't want to listen to this fucking thing screaming or whatever the hell a rat does But they don't say anything Say don't want to rock the boat You know They got they got they got a toll the company line And no matter how much those rats suffer They're not gonna say a fucking word because they're chasing the carrot and the carrot is the fucking The robot human sex dolls that they're making a couple floors up. That's what they're working towards so they can air quote work on that project

Just basically go fuck a bunch of sex robots so these rats die day in and day out And that classic experiment that at this point I think is a trope How hypocritical is this because I wanted to fucking take this scale that you get from stamps calm and drop it on that mouse Or that fuck actually the rat The rat really is I see why they made ratatouille, you know what I mean because mice are fucking cute They really are they're fucking adorable and then it's something that I really do not like see I don't like seeing those videos with fucking snakes eat them But you know something happens to a rat you're like, yeah fuck that thing, you know Somebody tells on somebody they're a fucking rat

Well, I guess a mouse isn't good either right quite as a church mouse Christ you said there you're like a fucking mouse What do you learn to speak up for yourself, I mean both of them Really at some point, you know, maybe they can jump on this fucking woke movement, too, you know White women can somehow attach themselves to it like they got some sort of fucking issue Then why can't the mice in the rat get it out Bill? What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about I've been reading up on the war of 1812 and the fucking information on it and the vibe of each article

Is just wildly different You know If I read a lot of the Americanized versions What was going on was England and France were going at it as they always do You know you can't get along with one another Listen everybody in England knows that the French are better, you know, they got better food Better culture better artists, you know, it wasn't until you know The white bands over there stole from the black guys the blues guys over here that England became cool

That's basically it. I mean it was never really cool I'm just fucking with you guys. I'm just like, right. Oh, he told I Don't know anything about any of this shit Anyway, they're going at it. Okay, France has this little fellow named Napoleon, you know And to this day, you know, if you're a little cunt and you're running your mouth in a fucking bar I always got a Napoleon complex, you know, if you were a little shit, you should be like what? Oh, you mean that legendary general? I Said it down here You got a Napoleon con complex, I love the fact that

There's been all of these lunatics throughout history Grabbing land Slave and people doing fucking horrible stuff But you know as long as they were regular height, they were just considered out of their fucking mind or a great general depending on who won and Who you were listening to Right, so here comes another just fucking lunatic trying to expand to do all of this fucking bullshit And then there's a he's doing it cuz he's short

Making all short people seem like you gotta you got to keep an eye on them All right Those little fuckers They're so annoyed with being short. Hey, those little fuckers will start a war that'll bring down your goddamn country So anyway, I Don't know what Napoleon did I think he was yet another dumb person that tried to go into Russia and spread himself too thin and got the shit kicked out of Him, right? And wait, let's see how tall is Hitler?

What is with short guys taking their armies into fucking Russia and getting their asses kicked? You know Here's my question for people in Russia. Listen to this. Is the third time gonna be the charm You defeated the first two short guys, but can you handle a third and three is a magic number if I remember from fucking school House Rock. All right Jesus Christ some of the shit because of this podcast in my search engine Adolf Hitler height You actually have his height and his weight he was five nine He was not short

Five nine was decent height back then Is there any picture of him where he looks even remotely amused Okay, let's add this to my search any Adolf Hitler smiling I I Just realized that this is the one this is these are probably the photo. Oh my god. He looks like moe Howard These are the photos that they probably show It like white supremacist meetings. You want that bad a guy? I gotta tell you he actually has a really nice smile Gives it entirely differently. That's poor fucking kid. He's fucking crouched down giving this kid a little hug

He's a disturbing what is he laughing about look at this he's got his hair combed straight down I swear to God. He looks like fucking moe Howard Then there's a weird split picture of him smiling and they've added Gandhi in this one You got to love the internet. It's just so fucking nuts the fact that I can look up Hitler's 78 Adolf Hitler smiling videos and HD footage 217 Adolf Hitler smiling photos. These are all on Getty images by the way Photo of Hitler hugging Jewish girl

Row this is just getting weirder and we're astonishing photo of Hitler smiling and hugging Jewish girl Rosa Bernal 9 oh, I don't know what I've seen. This is a jarring photo evidently Now what's the story little girl was portrayed as Adolf Hitler's favorite They shared the same birthday April 20th She called him Uncle Hitler Jesus Christ and was known as the Führer's child See, this is one of these things is this fucking real is somebody just fucking with me at a time when Nazi leaders

Just Christ I need to eat something. Sorry about my stomach brumblin here at a time when the Nazi leaders was was being presented to the world as a Kindly figure his personal photo of photographer frequently snap pictures of the two of them holding hands exchanging kisses On the cheek or just smiling each other Hitler refused to cut off contact with the girl even after he was told she had Jewish grandmother I mean if this guy isn't one of the weirdest motherfuckers Weird I would say is a little light. So anyway, I was reading these fucking articles so The short guy in France who couldn't handle the fact

That he couldn't look down a woman's shirt when she bent over he was still looking at the fucking dark side of the moon of her titties You know then to compensate for that I don't understand how winning a fucking war makes him feel taller or fighting a fucking war Anyway So England and France are going at it as they always did so then Because they were being fucking babies about it the same way club owners used to do the shit when two club owners had a fucking Fight then they would go to the comics and go hey You can't fucking work for this other fucking guy if you work for this other fucking guide and you're not fucking working my fucking

You know blah blah blah blah and you had to make a decision they did that to America according to some of this shit, right? It was basically they both said hey If you trade with the person that I'm fighting then we're fucking at war with you And we're gonna do all this fucking shit to you and all of these threats So we was stuck in the middle So I think Thomas Jefferson said well then fuck it We're not trading with either one of you and then our economy shit the bed So then everybody was screaming and yelling like they do nowadays except there was no internet

So they're running around in their night shirts holding up a fucking lantern. I Don't know, you know yelling at somebody Saying we got to pick a side we got to do something Fucking yo And then they were fucking you know England was breaking all these maritime laws boarding our ships and Then some articles say if they found an English deserter They would take the person and stick them back into their Navy and then other ones are suggesting that they would just take

Americans and make them fuck they kidnap them and make them fight for the Navy So I don't know what's going on there and then others ones say that because Britain and France were going at it We used it as this opportunity to try and expand and then go into Canada and try and claim some shit All I know is we we lost some big fights. We won in Baltimore Right where Francis Freddie Scott Key, whatever the fuck his name is he wrote the National Anthem He actually ripped it off He wrote the lyrics, but it was to a fucking

An old British drinking song. He went Jimmy Page on them You know, but I don't I See the old glory fucking sitting there in the fucking bombs bursting in the air It's like out on the tiles out on the tiles I guess was an old British drinking song. I'm out on the tiles. I had a little drink and it's something I know I heard Jason Bonnip singing one time, right? So they basically did that and then there's this whole fucking thing that alludes to indentured servants and

Slaves having no refuge in the second verse So this is just some dumb song. He went P. Diddy He took a fucking hit song and he just changed the fucking lyrics, right? Not saying that's all Pete did he did I'm just saying you know Anyway, he did the every breath you take remix And he wrote the fucking song and then a hundred years later It became the National Anthem evidently. I don't know what the National Anthem was before that

So anyway, we tried to expand Out to the West and then British Britain tried to turn It's funny. They said they tried to turn Native Americans against White settlers expanding. It's like I think they were already there mentally. I would think I don't know, but all I know is we won some big ones. We won battle in Baltimore We won the battle of Orleans. There was one other one that I already forget, but then we got our asses kicked up in Canada

With Tecumseh and fucking the British guys, right and they kicked our ass all the way they took Detroit This is fucking unbelievable. I never heard of this shit, right? They took Detroit and then it took another US general to go in there And fucking defeat him and reclaim the Northwest Territory, which is what we now know is Ohio Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, and Wisconsin like I guess we lost that And Then the biggest one is they came into DC

Basically the the war with France ended and then the most powerful Navy in the fucking universe at the time was then able to turn their full attention To us They came into the into Washington DC Took over the state capitol went into the White House had a big feast and then burnt the fucking place down I don't know why they ignore this movie in Hollywood this story in Hollywood. It's fucking amazing So anyway, I'm gonna read a lemon read a blop up on little to come So I got nothing else to do right? I'll fucking read up on that

I'll use it as a reference the next time I'm in the Northwest or territories You guys know what to come see us? Well, he kicked your fucking ass about begging it, you know come up to the elitist Why would you do that? Because it's fun Anyway, hey, it's almost the end of the month an old Billy Redface no sticks no cigars in July I smoke no cigars in February April and July We are in the seventh month, so I'm still losing the game three months to four

so I Got to come away with the victory. I need seven zero months, but even then I mean March was one cigar Close but one cigar sorry and May was two cigars So I've been doing great. It wasn't for the month of June with a big fat-ass seven. It's like golf You know I Part I Bogied I part I double bogied and then I shot a fucking seven on the six hole

You know, but I calm myself down calm myself down. All right. It gives a fuck It's not like I'm near the clubhouse and everybody saw what just happened Now I got a big fat zero I was watching fucking Robert Kelly had this video of his Humidor and all that type of stuff and I was sitting there saying to myself don't watch this bill bill don't watch this You know, but I love Bobby, so I got to watch it, right? And he also knows a ton of shit about cigars and he had a guy that knew even more than him that fucking works blah blah blah blah

so He was reviewing this cigar. I think I still have it in my search thing somewhere along with Hitler smiling. Oh I already lost it and that's probably a good thing that I lost it Whatever the cigar brand is it means tattoo in Spanish I Don't know because with a T This giant fucking like 60 gauge, which is fucking ridiculous a huge Cigar and he's and now because of that I now follow that company on

Instagram But I already follow Laura and I always see those and I just sit there and I stare at the cigar And I make the picture bigger and all of that shit, but you know what I don't fight. Oh fuck with it. I want to wait Can you imagine if I waited till Corona was over to smoke my next cigar, I'd be like the healthiest fucking person ever Unless I got Corona Like that guy in Texas got you supposed to fly with Trump and then they tested him You know, oh no, mass square in Texas. She ain't fucking telling us what to do. I don't care how smart you are

You're a doctor you weren't them liberal doctors You're just telling me this because you're trying to muffle my voice so no one can hear my ideas And that is what everybody in Texas sounds like And what they all think of now, that's not what they sound like just the ones in Austin Have I ever told you how annoyed I am with all the different fucking cities that have adopted that thing keep Insert city name weird Keep Austin weird keep Portland weird keep his place. We were so fucking creative, man What with your fucking tie-dye shirts that have been around for 50 fucking years

Anyway I'm being a little cunty because I got up fucking too soon. What do you want from me? You know as much as you might not be enjoying this podcast right now You now know That there are pictures on the internet of Hitler smiling. How about that? All right, is it time to read the advertising baby it is All right and with that energy Here we go. I got a new TV show here that's gonna be promote ever. I'm supposed to promote here blood ties

Blood ties is a premium television drama captured in a podcast format Many have described it as secession or is it succession? Or sus Keshin meets dirty John Dirty John that's I've been watching this season with the man to Pete and Christian Slater The series follows the Richland family's journey to unearth the truth and explores the me too movement with their father Dr. Richland Wait a minute the series follows the Richland family's journey to unearth the truth and explore the me too movement with their father

Dr. I want to I would want to listen to this right Podcast format being accused of various crimes The show stazz the voice talent of Josh Gad from frozen Jillian Jacobs from community Dominic Monaghan from lost Amy Landecker from transparent and Wayne Knight from Seinfeld Our family members are not always who we think When Eleanor and Michael spoiler alert Richard lose their parents unexpectedly in a small plane crash

They must choose between honoring their father's legacy as a world-renowned cardiologists and healthcare magnet or Risk it all to tell the truth in the newly released second season They must grapple with the consequences of their decision as well as stumbling upon disturbing new revelations about the family business Well, that's right on brand for this fucking podcast considering. I just found pictures a Hitler smiling. I mean which Hitler is it? Is he that little guy chocolate or is he a mass murder in psycho? CBD MD everybody CBD MD

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Because I actually have a confession to make on the whole me-too thing I Was a big multi Mario fan. I still am a big multi Mario fan I don't like what the guy did after he was done cooking, but I bought some of his cookware and I still have his I have a multi Mario fucking Crockpot Dutch oven, whatever the fuck you call it and It's got a big M on top of it

For I think it says mm multi Mario. Maybe just says M on it or maybe it's MB So it's known as the multi Mario me-too pot Some of the best meals That I make The short rib recipe the pot roast I Make all of that you know what I'm gonna do next time I make a fucking pot roast What are you gonna do bill? Well, first of all, I'm gonna add more salt because that was the criticism of the last time, you know I'm gonna try to recreate the roast beef hash that is at the Smith and Walensky in

New York City that they have Friday mornings because you know Traditionally people get paid Thursday. So then they'd come into Smith and Walensky They'd have a nice fucking steak dinner and then they'd saddle up to the bar and they'd get all fucked up in the next day Well, Jesus Christ, what do you have you dehydrated? You got yourself a good old-fashioned hangover Right, so they made this roast beef hash Is hangover food and it's was fucking out of this world. So the next time I make a pot roast I Found a good road. I could find a good recipe for a roast beef hash Then I'm gonna make and what's weird in my house is I am the only one who seems to like midwestern food

That's where my bloodline is from And so all that meat and potatoes shit. I Love it. I love it and my wife is 50-50 in on it and then my daughter Absolutely fucking hates mashed potatoes Breaks my heart every time She's really died. Oh, what's for dinner? And I'll be like something something something and mashed potatoes And then she looks at me and she goes mashed potatoes Yuck

She says it with a big smile on her face because she knows it bugs me Anyway NHL hockey is back, which is fucking amazing and as much as I've I've enjoyed enjoyed Most motor motor sports and most sports that I've watched without crowds. I've actually really enjoyed it It's fun. I was watching really enjoying baseball here in the pop of the glove the catcher's mitt and that type of shit I do have to tell you Hockey I was watching the fucking to run into the exhibition Toronto Maple Leafs first the Montreal Canadians Which was the fucking rivalry up until about 1967 when for whatever unexplained reason

The Maple Leafs stopped winning championships. It made no fucking sense whatsoever Where the Canadians their dominance lasted for another decade where They absolutely destroyed everybody they won 68 69 71 73 76 77 78 79 that's four five six seven eight They were like one or two ahead of Toronto in Stanley cups in 1967 it was like Lakers and Celtics, so I should say Celtics Lakers, right?

And Then they just the other one just stopped winning them, you know, which kind of happened with the Celtics We've only won one since 1986 and the Lakers have gone on to win in 87 See if I can do this 2000 2001 2002 2009 Something like that

I don't know anyway They just stop fucking winning them, but anyway, so I'm watching this. This is like one of the oldest rivalries ever and You know, I think there there might be some at least on my side of the puck There is an unwritten rule that I have that whoever's playing the fucking Canadians I root for them So I root for Toronto and I want like If the Bruins don't win a cup and I always root for Toronto because Toronto I think is still the closest Although Detroit might have almost tied them. Oh, Jesus Christ. Let's look this up. Let's get something a better search in my fucking Computer other than Hitler smiling

Is that a hashtag is that trending on Twitter? All right, what do we got here? Most Stanley Cups by team List Here we go. Yep, Toronto Maple Leafs have 13 the Red Wings have 11 and Believe it or not in fourth place is the Boston Bruins with six They can't be right having the penguins one six at this point or they went five. I think they went five Nine more let's see what we got here nine more rows

The Blackhawks also have six The Edmonton Oilers have five Pittsburgh penguins have five. I mean those two there are the modern Canadians and You know Maple Leafs in that that they've won the most I would say in the modern era You know And also you got to respect that with they've they've been doing it with like 28 to 30 teams as opposed to doing it Predominantly against five other teams I don't know and then

The Islanders have four the Rangers have four The Devils have three flyers have two Colorado has two Kings have two. That's fucking amazing that like The Canadians have 24 24 so let's see here, so they won four five six seven eight Yes, so they had sixteen and I think it's sixty seven they had sixteen and Toronto had thirteen they had fifteen or sixteen But Toronto was in striking distance of them and Then they just fucking

Went off and won eight of the next like it seemed like the next I don't know 12 or 13 of them And then that was it and then they won again in 86 with the great Patrick Waugh And then one again in 93 one of the most exciting runs even as a Bruins fan I could admit that they won more goddamn overtime games And I've ever seen any team win it was a fucking incredible playoff and then the next year You got to see the Rangers with Mack Messier. You got to see them win it Before the awful New Jersey Devils and they're boring as clutching grab all of that fucking lock horseshit

Then the red wings they were fun to watch The stars I hate that championship because the fucking the guy was in the crease They called it the whole fucking year the biggest goddamn goal and those poor fucking people out in Buffalo still waiting for a goddamn championship Up to their fucking eyeballs and wings that we have all culturally Appropriated to our sports bars around the fucking country and those sons of bitches cannot get that fucking thing overturned Mean that guy was so obviously in the crease that is right up there as far as fuckovers go with is is right up there with what happened to the Was it the fucking Cardinals in 1985 where that guy was out by a full fucking step Although why he heard Zaga and those guys they let it get to him and they fucking emotionally shit the bed and got the

Living shit kicked out of him in game seven. I believe that that's what happened. I'm talking all kinds of shit here people I'm talking about sports. I'm talking about little people I'm talking about the Fuhrer with the big fucking Christmas smile on his face. Was he a Christian? I don't know what the fuck he was What was his religion people actually said that he was part Jewish I Have no idea. I actually said he was short. He was five nine You know, I like I'm five ninety three quarters He'd have to if he was fucking telling me You know that I was part of a mongrel ginger race and he was fitting to fucking get rid of me, too

You know what the greatest thing about it is he'd have to look up a little bit when he said it to me And I'm gonna take that You know, I'm gonna take that And carry that with me today Alright That is the podcast everybody Please send me some Because I literally can't figure out what the fuck happened in the war of 1812

I definitely feel like my country is is glossing over a lot of shit As far as how we got into it. It seems you know Britain was being cunts, but you know, they had the best Navy back then so that's what you do I mean, we turned around did the same fucking thing when Russia fell Went through their bullshit, then we were the big cunts on the block and look what the fuck we did We abuse we everybody abuses their part everybody in their own way has their little Multomario Dutch oven somewhere in their fucking kitchen historically speaking, right? so, I

Think part of it might be That because Britain was so busy fighting with the little fella there over in France, you know It'd be funny if you know part of him losing was they force fed him like they do with those fucking the foie gras They foie guatem, right? They would they were so busy dealing with Napoleon That we thought that we had an opportunity to expand West and actually go up into Canada And try and kick them out of this face of the fucking

Off the face of this part of the globe That's one of those expressions. I just combined off the face of the earth To then make it part of my it just you really just saw how fucking dumb I am and how much you just wasted the last 38 minutes 30 seconds of your life Anyways, that is the podcast All right now. There's gonna be some music Curated by the wonderful and always brilliant and with them less And then we're gonna have a bonus episode

Another half hour from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a number of years ago A greatest hits if you were a pre-covid Back in a simpler time You know when there was no COVID and you could sexually abuse anybody you wanted in the office pre me to Pre Hitler smiling. I don't know when I did it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll have a great weekend. You can't send out I'll talk to you on Monday Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from my

Monday, July 30th, 2012 2012 12 years past the year of our lord The year 2000 remember that and all the computers were gonna crash and everyone was gonna run around with their hair on fire And what happened nothing. Oh My god, it comes in asteroid Missed us. How many fucking times are they gonna cry wolf? How many times are they gonna say that everything's gonna fucking end and it never does I want to know I Want to know they

Songs in my head today, I don't know why Maybe it's cuz you don't like yourself Bill and you're sick of the lies Maybe it is I don't know what all I know is I took my dog out for a walk She did a four which is number two twice first one was solid second one started to come out like it was gonna be and then all Something right don't want to white do I do you know what I do? I do my best. I Do my best to be a responsible neighbor, you know I saw three people in my neighborhood just sitting in a car and I just immediately assumed that they were pieces of shit They had tattoos. They were smoking cigarettes. They just look like scumbags

And I was sitting there going well, they're kind of sort of white. So that's not racist is it? But they're a real specific kind of white like their nationality They were a hundred percent of whatever the fuck they were and I'll tell you right now. I didn't like them All right, and my inner old man was starting to come out like It's weird when you buy a house you just suddenly become really conservative Before when I rented I didn't give a shit if there was a homeless guy jerking off on the street I thought it was funny

Look at that guy right outside my window. Who needs cable when that guy's sitting there rubbing one out Oh, look at the lady running Was great, but once you buy you every fucking little thing. Oh, there's a pothole down the street It needs to be covered I Did the other day, that's how old I am. I called 311 for the first time in my life Three line man, can we help you please? Now listen here. There's that old guy You know old people bitch old people bitch like that. You already heard the point nine times, you know

Welcome to 311. What can we help you with this pothole is still not covered? I Don't know which one you're talking about crazy old man crazy freckley old man bill Yeah, so I'm doing the podcast late today and You know I'm doing it late today because I recorded one and it wasn't funny And I have a certain level of quality control. I had to go get some nourishment and at the end of the day I'll do this thing whenever the fuck I damn well, please All right, so all you Twitter cunts you TC's out there if you want to keep fucking writing to me and bitch Mode and then complain and just know this. I don't give a shit

You know, I know why you keep bitching at me because there's this new culture now Well, you have to apologize for nothing Is that what you're waiting for me to do? Do you want me to go on on Twitter and issue an apology? I Find it offensive that he calls it the Monday morning podcast and when he records it It's his Monday morning and not mine. I Feel it's false. Go fuck yourself That's what this week was this was a week of watching people that I'm huge fans of having to apologize or semi-apologize or finesse For for nothing absolutely nothing Fred Willard who doesn't like Fred Willard, you know

He allegedly Rubbed one out or something touched himself in a lewd way Lude such a great word, isn't it? That really just sounds like what the fuck it is lewd You know Crude anything ood is not good right Zude is there another word lewd crude

Mood that mood could be up shut up Bill What are you trying to do some fucking Seinfeld bit here? Why is everything that goes food? No Yeah, lewd lewd just sounds like you're touching your fucking balls, doesn't it? A lewd act that should like with that sound effect You're on up the suspect is being charged with two counts of a lewd act Right, and you got to like act it out As you say it. No, well, you wouldn't my court

In my fantasy court that I have Yeah, Fred Willard allegedly Touched himself while watching a porno and he has to fucking issue some sort of state for what? For you know first of all, I don't understand What why are you apologizing to me or why are you trying to clear the air with me? I don't care what you do Just make a good movie and I'll go see it. I don't care what you're doing Like all right if you're out murdering people and touching kids. Yeah, I have a problem, but if you're rubbing one out

I don't give a fuck Is it or is it not a good movie Fred Willard if it is I will go see it regardless of How you empty your balls? I don't care The only reason why I needed to hear him issue a statement would be He should only issue the statement to the person who owned the me the movie theater the guy whose job it is to mop up after the shows and possibly The person that was sitting in front of in front of him And that only is if when Fred climaxes he rises to his feet

Other than that What why I don't need to know about it. I don't give a fuck I don't care what anybody does if you're not hurting somebody John Travolta is getting a massage. He goes. Hey, you want to rub one out there male masseuse and the guy goes no I don't and Then I don't give a shit and then what I'm not gonna see his next movie if it's good I'm gonna go see it. I don't care what that guy does. It's none of my business And I don't think any of that shit is embarrassing or I don't think there's any shame

You know, it's not our fault our balls fill up and we got to get rid of it You know and there's a bunch of different ways to do it and if you're not hurting anybody I don't see what the problem is You know, I don't I don't get why why you're apologizing me you jerked off to allegedly jerked off to a poor No, I mean, what are you gonna do next? Somebody's got to apologize for playing catch with a baseball. I mean, that's what it's what it's there for I mean, they make porno so you jerk off to him All right, if you don't want somebody to jerk off and you fucking allegedly jerk off in your movie theater

Don't fucking show pornos. Why don't you show spider-man? Okay There you go There you go. If he was jerking off while watching spider-man about Jesus Christ Fred. There's kids there you know Even then if he wasn't looking at any of them if you just was truly turned on by spider-man or the chick who was dating Peter Parker Then that's to me. That's his own fucking issue You're good with me Fred Willard, I'm gonna go see your next movie whether I think it looks good or not

What do you think about that and let a little show of solidarity? I'm sick of fucking this this whole new This new what do they call it this new climate now this new Petri dish what the fuck is it this new atmosphere Hey, you know, I went to one of those chemical bars the other night wasn't drinking and I went there And it was one of those things where they fucking you know It's like a chemistry thing this guy's got a paintbrush out

He's painting the inside of a glass then he lights something on fire blows it out puts the smoke Into the glass and then pours the drink in and everybody would then drinks and it's like oh my god This is the most amazing thing. I don't buy it. I Couldn't taste I mean my sense of taste and smell is kind of bad, but I to me it just seemed like that dude on Green Acres You know when he would come up with some hunk of shit like just a rusted out radiator be like this is a genuine But soon from the Rio, I mean just he would just make up shit This guy basically was trying to say that he takes an apple and he sucks the atmosphere out of it He literally said that and like Colorado or something. I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about and he tells you this fucking story

That is so heavy on the chemistry. You can't help but feel like a fucking idiot So by the time he dips the straw in it and gives you a chance to taste it It's like that moment when you're in a fancy restaurant And somebody gives you a pours a glass of wine and it's that that you know You're swirling it around acting like you can taste the difference between a $90 and a fucking $4 bottle of wine I can't I have never Drank wine and been like yeah, you know, no, no Fucking wine. It tastes like wine. I don't have that sophisticated level of power

So by the time this guy got done explaining sucking the atmosphere out of an apple. It's like at this point If it's almost like if you say it tastes like a goddamn You know what it tasted like it tasted like You know like homemade popsicles, you know awful or when you have a popsicle And it kind of melted a little bit and there's that the gooey shit is on the inside of the wrapper And for some reason you you you lick the wrapper just how fucking gross that man It tasted like that level of sweet and everybody was just taking the straws just taking that they were like, oh my god And I was like either I'm a fucking moron or this is like the emperor's new clothes because

This shit just just it tastes like a popsicle Was that story worth telling I don't know looking back maybe not but looking forward a Buddy of mine stand-up comedian was involved in a scandal Air quotes, you know what he was doing. He was in a comedy club trying out new jokes Can you believe that? What the fuck was he thinking? People did does anybody out there understand that you have no right to get offended when you when you as a as a

An adult make the free choice to go into a comedy club All right, you don't have a right to be offended You don't You don't All right, you just the second you walk in there everything is fucking free game. That's what it is All right, that's It's not like you hired a comedian to do a private party and you gave him a list of shit of Subjects that you wanted him to stay away from him or her and that comedian agreed to it

Now if that's the case you're paying him and said hey don't bring up Fucking cheese whiz and the person does a bit on and agrees to not do it and then goes up there and does that exact thing Then yeah, not only do they owe you an apology You shouldn't even fucking pay him cuz they they void it out the contract, but in a comedy club You didn't hire those comedians you decided to go down there and watch comedians Try out material give you that best shit give something that kind of works throw some shit against the wall That's our house. That's our dojo. You're not entitled to a fucking apology I thought that was the most weird half half the people bitching about that dang cook joke

It's like they didn't even get the joke The joke was not making fun of the victims in Colorado. It was using that as a as a as a reference He was talking about how bad he thought the new Batman movie was so right out of the gate Half the people didn't even get what the fucking joke was about and then secondly Dane didn't film himself and then upload that onto the internet somebody in the crowd did right So why does he have to apologize? He told that joke in LA and they tell you at the beginning of The show do not videotape the comedians

Please do not videotape the comedians and the person videotapes them and by the way I heard the crowd laugh Joke sounded like it did all right wasn't a complete joke It's just you know something he's working on and some of the best material comes out of that material So he has to basically apologize for building a new hour of material You know, I don't get that you don't like and I don't think that comedians should apologize. I think it's absolute bullshit and Look, there's all different kinds of comedy. There's dark comedy. There's there's absurd There's blue there's squeaky clean and it's like music There's all different kinds of music go gravitate towards the shit that you like

But like you know if some asshole in the crowd films a comedian in a comedy club our house Our dojo and puts it up there if you got a fucking problem With it being there talk to the person who videotaped it because I think that's the only person needed to apologize All right, he should apologize for Dane for taking tape in his act and then he should apologize to anybody You know, I Guess who fucking saw this new joke That Dane didn't put on a special or do on fucking letterman. It's the stupidest fucking thing on the planet Go fuck yourself and you know what kills me is when you apologize. You're actually I feel like that's an admission

Then you're saying the other person was right like yeah, I meant that in a malicious way You know, like what kind of a moron watch that joke and actually thought that Dane Was actually supporting what that psycho did in Colorado. You know what I mean? Who is that fucking stupid? You know And like I said at the end of the day, he just told the joke in the comedy club and the crowd laughed That's what kills me on all of these the crowd Fucking laughs. I wrote on Twitter

I'm gonna quote myself here to have to have a just just have a new level of arrogance on this podcast You know after the last one Was it Tosh? I think was the last one is the philosophical question is if a comedian tells a joke in a comedy club and the whole crowd laughs Except for one person. Is it really a national news story? You know because that's another thing too is I feel like that's just like It's like a good way to kill five minutes on a newscast Where you can just say that there's outrage where there was no outrage. There was no outrage There wasn't if there was like truly outrage you were heard it after he told the joke you would have heard people yelling out groans moans

You would have heard that you didn't you heard a the joke got a decent laugh That was it and then he moved on to the next one. It's I Mean is that was that what doing stand-ups gonna be now? You're gonna have to sit there and be like I'd like to apologize to anybody Who is lactose intolerant? I? Should have chosen my words more carefully go fuck yourself Right am I out of my mind? I Had I don't know It's a whole new world whole new world of fucking snitches just out there just trying to get people in trouble

All right. Well here's something for you E voice everybody Would you like to have a would you like to have your cell phone ring? But have people not know what your real number is You know wouldn't you like to get like have a cell phone right and only your friends and family knew the real number to it And then you could come up with these virtual phone numbers that people could dial the but weren't really your phone number But your cell phone would still ring Would you be into that would you be into a service like e-voice that will allow you to do that and off these these virtual phone numbers?

You could actually you could do conference calling on Your own new business and on the conference call a feature. We could have actually up to 95 people for each extension It's incredible. It's basically it's a business phone number that will that will ring on your cell phone Okay, without anybody knowing your personal one which gives you the option of knowing whether it's a business one or a personal one And not answering it in whatever it's absolutely perfect. It's an amazing thing They offer an entire service where you can toll-free local managing of outgoing calls, this is all all the

This is all the the the what are the options came to think this week Mobility all calls forwarded to a number Slash people don't have to know your your personal phone number Virtual numbers so long as you have a real number you can give out fake numbers, but it rings on your own number And if you don't pick up on your business your your new virtual phone number they actually have professional accents a professional voice actors

To give you any any sort of like like an outgoing message like if you want to give the illusion that your business is bigger than it is You have a bunch of employees one of the options that they have is that you can actually have like I personally I would pick some sexy Female voice with like a British accent just gives your business credibility You know, they'll send you emails with the text transcription of the voicemail Or not the option is totally yours It's a great way to basically Have all these different business lines without having to drill a bunch of holes in the wall in your house

You know, you got hello. Welcome to widget widgets are us or whatever. I'm doing a bad accent You know I'm saying you can start the whole friggin thing. So it's email E voice Check it out today. Do I have a website here? What the hell is it? Hang on one second. Let me get this website Yeah, it's evoice.com there you go, Bill you're genius Once again evoice is your mobile phone at work. It's perfect for business business person on the move Like myself I'm actually gonna get one of these phone numbers just because when I travel from club to club and all these

Different radio stations like my my phone number gets out there and and I get weird phone calls Sometimes, you know, I rented a car in Chicago with like Avis like three months ago and I don't know where I got it I had to write down my my fucking cell phone number and The guy worked at Avis called me up. Oh actually sent me a text. Hey, so you stand up the other day really funny I'm the guy who rented you the car at Avis Which is beyond creepy and I'm a dude so I can only imagine how that would make a female. So it gives you the great like Privacy options while you still exist in the big business world Features evoice offers includes call forwarding call routing toll-free 800 numbers

auto attendant Advanced voicemail voicemail detects or voicemail the email however the hell you want to do it Click on the evoice banner on bill burr.com on the podcast page or go to www.evoice.com slash bill burr to get your exclusive six month free trial six month free trial Evil yeah evoice your mobile phone at work That's one of those ideas where I'm just like that right there is why I'm not a billionaire Because I just look at that like that idea was just out there and I Just did nothing

Why didn't I jump on that like YouTube? That's one of those ideas Anyways another thing real real quick here we got legal zoom and this is for so evoice There's there's your business phone number now if you actually want to get incorporated These two right here evoice and legal zoom if you're sitting in a cubicle right now And you want to somehow get out if you have a business idea or an invention or anything these two these two companies will get will Somehow get you out of that goddamn cubicle. All right. Here we go Legal zoom You've probably heard about legal zoom calm, but now I'm telling you about it

So you got to check them out these guys are these guys are great I wish I knew about them when I was gonna get incorporated if you've been waiting for the perfect time to start your dream business It's right now incorporate your business or form an LLC at legal zoom dark comm starting at just 99 bucks I paid like 1500 I had an accountant and a lawyer and all that crap because make 1500 bucks these guys start off at 99 bucks And then a whole nother level if you have a family and you want to protect them Guess what you can protect your family and assist with the legal's and assets with the legal zoom will for just 69 bucks All right in the past 12 years over 2 million Americans have used legal zoom for LLC's will's trust trademarks and more

They've saved hundreds even thousands of dollars versus going to a traditional lawyer legal zooms online process guides guides you step-by-step You get total customer support. It couldn't be much easier. I know what a lot of you are thinking Well, there's all that legal mumbo jumbo. What if I fill it out wrong? Don't worry about it They even have attorneys that can help you out if you need if you need it as you're working through all the legal legalities of it So anyway start your business and protect your family today at legal zoom calm You also get a special discount from listening to this podcast Make sure you enter burr be you are our in the referral box at checkout for more savings

Legal zoom is not a law firm and self-help services are provided at your Direction there you go. All right, so there's that back to the podcast. Did I read that correctly? Do I have to apologize to anybody? You know, who do I have to apologize for that the reading out loud anonymous Foundation whatever the fuck it is Have you noticed that they only go after they only try to make really successful people apologize Because God knows I've said enough shit on this podcast, haven't I that at some point should I have to issue an apology? You know, I don't that's why I like I like my life is No one's dependent on me. I go out. I do stand up. No biggie, right? It's just me

I do this podcast. It's just me if I fuck this up. I just fucked myself over But either way you can't stop me from doing either one of these You know Maybe you can affect the amount of listeners I have a lot of people come out to my shows, but I'm not motivated by money You know as you can tell by my wardrobe My motivation is I don't ever want to have somebody telling me what I have to do You know

Hey, get over there and pick up that boy. You go fucking pick it up your cunt You know, I always hated that I Don't like having a boss. So that was my dream in life not having a boss and I don't so You can do it yourself get your fucking ass out of your cubicle all right, get yourself a Virtual phone number at E voice and get yourself incorporated or trademark your invention At legal zoom.com right there. I gave you the tools You know, I'll shut up Bill. All right, I'll shut up. Oh, by the way speaking of Dan cook

Let's let's talk about some positive Dane cook news Dane sent me an email. All right. I'm in his circle Not bragging. He mentioned that he was gonna be at the Hollywood Bowl Performing in the musical the producers and he said come on down if you want to so I was in that dilemma where I love Dane But I I'm not a fan of musicals I'm just not a fan of them and that goes by just you know You know, it's fucking bullshit as I went and I saw one and actually enjoyed it But that's just one of those guy things you can't say that you're a fan of a musical, you know

So I went down there like all right, I got a support day. So I'm gonna go down thing was fucking hilarious It was at the Hollywood Bowl and Unbelievable performances and I'm gonna tell you something right now Dane absolutely fucking killed it I wish I had Nia down here because I'm friends, you know, you think oh your friends with them So you're just gonna say that now he fucking killed it and I was so proud of them and I was sitting there watching it remembering all these hell gigs we did like 20 years ago at like fucking this pub Kelly's Was the first time I think I saw Dane or maybe at this comedy club stitches

I mean half half the gigs I'd like the first 200 gigs I did Half of them were done in places where it wasn't a comedy club and most of the crowd didn't even know that there was gonna be a Show and we'd always be in the corner I remember to be me Dane Aldell Benny Bobby Kelly Patrice O'Neill All the guys I started we'd just be huddling over in the corner. Just go now. This is gonna suck This is gonna eat a bag of dicks. That was like one of the first comedy expressions I learned this is gonna suck a big bag of fucking elk dick And you would just sit there and watch your friend go up there and just absolutely

Just humiliation just standing there Trying to make people laugh who aren't listening and don't want to fucking show and just taking those fucking lumps and I remember Dane would just was always would go full out totally commit and When I was watching him in that show last night I was seeing all these little little subtle things that I used to see him do in all those hellrooms And it was fucking great and I said what's up to him in the end and when I walked out

It was hilarious was one of the leads in it is that redheaded dude with the with the beard on modern family The guy was hilarious and he was he was greatness musical too and when I walked out was fucking hilarious I see this guy look kind of tilts his head to the side He got excited looking at me as I'm walking out and then his face dropped and I was like You know my ego I'm thinking oh he recognizes me as a comedian and I can't confirm this But I think he thought I was that dude From a distance he thought I was that guy on modern family and then when he saw me in my hairline He's like oh, that's that's not him

That's just some jackass with the beard Wasn't that sad? Hey, I got a drum question for y'all for the drummers any drummers who listens to this I Can't decide on this one that song by Van Halen mean streets Does Alex play that the hi-hat does he play it with two hands or with one I Saw him live in concert. He played it with two and then I watched a video the other day and he played it with one But he wasn't playing straight 16th, but when I listen to it on the album It sounds like it's straight 16th

Can somebody please help me with that because I'm working getting back to the push-pulse and with the stick Trying to get it up to speed and how do you do that? I listened to Lenny Kravitz it ain't over till it's over and then I listened to what's his face Bill withers use me and I just Keep play play up to tempo With each hand and each day I can play a little bit longer, but I pay attention to the fact I don't want my forearms burning because if they are then I'm not doing it, right? You know for those that you are aren't drummers one of the things that your problem you have is

You know if you have great technique you can effortlessly Play the drums and you don't have to deal with carpal tunnel or any fucking Injuries or any of that shit. So sorry. That was my own little thing and speaking of that I want to start I want to start making some drum covers and I'll upload them onto YouTube anonymously You guys will never find them. So good luck to you But I'm using that iMovie 2012 and I don't I obviously know can film myself and upload myself But I don't know how to how do you drop the music in?

You know what I mean, so you hear my drums playing You know, it's like I shoot the video and all you hear is me playing the drums To whatever song right and then what I want to do is drop in the audio of the song and like obviously Have an in sync to me playing the drums because I just want to see what kind of reviews I'm gonna get because if I put it up There and it's me first of all it's gonna look cheesy and then second of all it's gonna be I Don't know I Want people looking at I want people watching it like this guy actually wants to try and make it as a drummer because I want honest Criticism and then I will I'm not gonna tell you where they are on YouTube

But I will read you the worst comments. How about that? Is that fair? That'll be good for some comedy. All right Okay, here we go response to Penn State should keep their wins last week. I talked about You know Obviously, I agreed with every every punishment that came down on Penn State except for the I just thought them losing their victories I just felt like that punished the players and the fans and the fans and the players were 100% innocent and These guys whose NFL dreams died because they blew out their knee in a game that they won and now you're gonna take that away from them And I just feel like It just seemed like it went above and beyond so this guy says Bill in response to your your view that Penn State shouldn't have to forfeit

The wins should Germany have been allowed to keep the countries they conquered in World War two No, I Like when people ask me a question like and I think that they want my opinion But they just answer it themselves So he says no when we kick their fucking asses We took away their land took away their army and placed sanctions on them We didn't say hey Hitler's dead. So why should we punish the rest of you Germans? We made a fucking example out of them and we need to do to do the same thing to Penn State

Not all the Germans were Nazis. Not all the players did anything wrong did anything wrong dude. None of the players did anything wrong What fucking what internet do you have what what TV shows are you watching? If they have a problem go emigrate to another another University where wins count enough with the poor me bullshit Your supreme holier-than-thou ruler fucked up big time fuck him and all you queer lions So there you go, you know what sir? You were starting to make a point there and then in the end you you end up, you know That's like a typical internet Point you start to make a point and then you either say something racist or homophobic in the end first of all

I disagree with that analogy Because that analogy you're suggesting that The Penn State players were Joe Paterno's army and that they were in the know And Joe Paterno was Hitler and the people in the army were they knew what the fuck he was doing and they helped him They helped him do it, which they didn't They didn't they were just playing football games all right and Should Germany have been allowed to keep the countries they conquered in World War two

Well, I war is like a game dude. That's a game All right, and they won the first half and they lost the game. So no they shouldn't be but They did conquer France and That is in the history books They fought France at World War two and they beat them that victory counts They conquered Poland they conquered the fucking Netherlands. They lost in England They lost to the Russians and they lost to us So right there off the top of my head. They were three and three they conquered

Norway with the help of Sweden Right all all those wins and losses count sir So I don't know what you're saying like that point doesn't make any sense and the fact in the end you see you're all You know fuck him and your queer lions that basically sounds to me like you're a fan of a team in the Big Ten or Maybe you like one of them Southern coaches that had you know more wins than Joe Pah. So I agree to disagree, sir and You lose points on your your hacky example of Germany and the Nazis It always comes down to that no matter what you do. I pick up my dog shit

And I throw it in somebody else's trash can and they go sir. Could you please not do that? It's trash. You worried that I'm gonna make you trash think You know And then they'll say something well did hit like when Hitler it isn't it isn't like when Hitler it isn't It isn't okay You should have gone like John Wayne Gacy there. That's what I would have gone Anyways, all right female roommate had a bill You said howdy, so I'm reading all this in a southern accent. I could use some advice

I'm a 27 year old guy living in an apartment and With a 19 year old girl. Hey, she did move in a couple weeks ago a couple months ago We've been getting along great, but over the past few weeks She's mentioned her sex life a couple of different times mentioned how she loves to give head Could it be the most perfect room made in the world You're the reason that God made a whore All right, so she likes sucking dick. Okay, I see nothing but sunshine so far Where where's the rain coming here? We're going just the other day

She mentioned out of the blue that she posed for some nude pictures. Uh-oh, and she has no problem with nudity All right, that's a major caution flag there anybody who takes nude photos or is in the the porn industry Yeah, you got to watch out there. That's a ticking time bomb. Oh Jesus what happened? Was it your uncle? Was it the guy down the street? Who was it? She seems to basically say everything she thinks Oh, she basically said it seems to say everything that she thinks will get a rise out of me rise. You get it? That's what he said he put that in parentheses. All right, here we go At first I didn't know how to approach the situation

So I just ignored her when she tried to steer the conversation towards sex, but she seemed to do this repeatedly And I had enough with it and I came on to her and told her that I wanted to see the pictures and then joked with her That it was for artistic reasons Um She seems shocked that I'd asked such a question Oh, here she goes gonna yank the rug out and she joked with me and called me a creeper She seemed to flaunt her sexuality in front of me and say how open she is with everything But the second I made a move she made me feel like a creep. There you go. You got one of those, sir

You got one of those Geo Jesus, this is the this is like she's a an Olympic level What do you call dick tease And I say Olympic level because she's actually dabbled in the porn industry with the nude photos I either want to bang this girl or get her to quit throwing her sexual suggestive topics at me and quit using me as an Emotional tampon help me out bill go fuck yourself. I would say exactly what you just said Not the banging part. Just say listen Just

You know what you do you just go I would just go fucking Don't curse don't say anything fucked up just straight out say just say listen ever since you've been here You have been just openly talking about sex You talk about how you enjoy giving oral sex you mentioned that you have nude photos You don't have a problem with nudity. You're constantly bringing up sex. Okay, and the other day, you know No, I can't go that way because then she'd be like well because you came up like a creep just tell her look Don't don't bring up sex anymore Can you pull just don't don't bring up sex anymore?

And just when she says why just say because I'm not comfortable with you talking about it All right, I would just like to have a roommate to roommate Relationship, you know, I'm not trying to be a jerk here Just please don't talk about sex anymore And that would be perfect because then you will totally like take away all of her powers So you just took the rope away from Wonder Woman right there, you know And once you take a rope off she can't find her jet. Isn't that how it worked? Come on nerds any nerds listening to this actually that's not true. She could see her invisible jet

That was one of the dumbest, you know, that was such like a chauvinistic Thing that they gave her wasn't it an invisible jet Superman can fly by himself doesn't even need Doesn't even need a fucking Plane Wonder Woman can't fly she needs a jet just like the rest of ours But to make it interesting they make it invisible not at any point did they say that Wonder Woman Invented the invisible jet, you know, she didn't She didn't she's too busy fucking go into the gym, you know keeping her stomach flat and fucking around with that rope So that's all she really is she's just kind of like this

Well, I guess she can block bullets with her wristbands So that's unbelievably like reptilian quickness, so I'll give her that but other than that, you know If she wants to go to California, she's got to get on a plane just like the rest of us And she's got to fly herself out, which I guess is kind of cool. I Don't know how hot was fucking wasn't I was gonna say Linda Blair was Linda Evans the fuck was her name? Claire what was the name of the woman who played a one woman? in in the late 70s oh Did I love her I've loved every fucking

That's back before there was like 9,000 channels, so every woman on television back then, you know If they were playing a sexy role, it wasn't they weren't outside the box. No pun intended. They were just fucking straight up They were at 10 She was hot all three Charlie's angels. They were all hot Jamie Summers the bionic woman. She was fucking hot three's company I thought they were both hot I Like them all Alice was hot Vera was hot in a weird way. You could keep flow They'd be one every once in a while, but they were all they were all like They were hot Gloria

You know if you get past her voice she was a fucking haughty That had been somebody ugly It really wasn't Marsha was hot Jan by the end of it. She came into her own Yeah, just a bunch of hotties Hotties they weren't horny though They didn't have horse back then You know did they I don't know all right. Let's plow ahead here to press dude a Billy cunt

Exclamation point. I've been listening. I've been listening to your podcast for years Your deranged psychopathic perspective reminds me. I'm not the only one Shaken ladders, I don't know what that means this guy from Boston I've been listening to the podcast for years your deranged psychopathic perspective reminds me I'm not the only one shaking ladders kid Nah, it still doesn't sound even if the accent shaking ladders I don't know what that means. Anyways, I got a problem You know, I was in Boston all last week. So the bass bump the Boston accent kind of came back the whole

You know, I got a problem So say that get a job get a job Do it easy to get a job And for those of you working on your Boston accents J. O B Just say like jaw like I'm gonna punch you in the jaw and then be job Gotta get a fucking job, you know kills me right now is like fucking 200 you right now Just muttering to yourself get a fucking job in your cubicle Freakin out your co-workers just mumbling

Get a fucking job You fucking coax okay, I got a problem for years now. I've been trapped in my KFC and wet wipes Okay, that's disgusting. I used to be a bodybuilder an actor and a comedian with fucking prospects right in front of me But then adulthood raped me in the eyes. Oh Jesus. Could you be more dramatic? It sounds like that fucking chick from Sex in the city crazy Broke my hat I had this is the guy again crazy broad broke my heart I had to cut away old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles All right, dude, this is like getting creepier with each sentence if you don't bring this around like two sentences

I'm gonna abandon this I had to cut away from old friends and family shutting me out of their smiles Dude, what did you do that your friends and family decided they didn't want to be around you? Anyways, I don't feel sorry for myself or want any pity. I just you're not gonna get any so good I'm glad you don't he goes. I just want to know how to get out of this never-ending routine of demise Well, first of all, I would stop using those goth death metal words You know demise what else you got in here adult raped me in the eyes. Are you these are like song lyrics? You know

To press dude, what would be the name of this trap? My KFC and wet wipes, right? It sounds like I can't sing like that Right in the eyes Disroutine of demise at least fucking kids getting like wet fucking whiplash I work too much in a job that was supposed to pay for my comedy career When I don't work. I was supposed to pay for my comedy career when I when I don't work I sleep or oh when I don't work. I sleep or watch endless DVDs. I'm 24 years old What the fuck this reads like you're 56 dude

He goes I'm tired all the time from all the hating of the world and my body just won't listen to the screaming frustration in my soul Dude you listen to like you listen to progressive metal. I'm guessing by the words you use here Either that you play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm really not helping into oppression by shitting on you through all of this Don't worry, I'm gonna give you some sunshine here in the end here So I sometimes get a spark of motivation to get back in shape and just and start writing script But it only lasts for a day or two at the most. Yeah Exactly and then and then the work comes and you have to keep going and that's what separates the people in life Who fucking work and and make it and those who don't

You know everything's fun for a couple of fucking days. I'm gonna get shredded I'm gonna join a boxing gym I'm gonna look like I'm gonna fight in a title fight and you go down there you skip rope I'm gonna get abs you're doing all the fucking shit in two days in you know after two days you get tired All right, and that's where you need the discipline to get up and go over there even though you don't want to you know People who've written Oscar winning scripts. I bet they don't like fucking doing it on on a certain level But they keep going so I would just tell you to keep fucking going anyways

Let me read the rest of this trim overly dramatic shit I've lost all faith in the world have nothing to fight for anymore I respect you go fuck yourself attitude and want and want to know what you did to finally pick yourself up from your Darfur's inflicted depression Sorry, it's not the funniest emails, but I could really do with you guys. I know dude. I'm fucking with you I know you're going through some shit. So here we go. I'm gonna help you out here First thing I would do get rid of the KFC and wet wipes All right, if you're already kind of a depressed dude if you eat bad food

That's just gonna add because I'm just speaking personally once again not a licensed guy here in case you throw yourself off the fucking roof. All right Yeah, number one This is what I do. Go you go out and get something healthy to eat You know drink some water Okay, get eight hours sleep wake up and eat something healthy then go to the grocery store when you're full and go buy a bunch of healthy shit Okay chop up the veggies chop up the lettuce get a fucking salad already made in there So you don't have to think about it. All right cook up some fucking chicken chop that shit up make some chicken salad You got that in there too get yourself some fucking lunch meat and get yourself some real bread from a fucking bakery start with that bullshit

You start eating right and then just start working out You're automatically gonna feel good about yourself and fucking stick with that as far as that other shit goes dude You're 24 years old All right, I started comedy when I was 24 you sound like you've already been doing it and quit So you're ahead of where where I was at at your age. So there's no reason to be depressed. All right This is how I got beyond my depression was I just started observing it I Looked at it as a spectator rather than feeling a thought and just accepting it and then being dragged to the bottom of the fucking ocean with it I just started to pay attention. I just sat there and listened to what my brain was telling me and it was a bunch of negative

Oh my god, I'm gonna fail. I have to go back moving with my parents and they're gonna die I'm not gonna be able to afford to pay for the house and then I'm gonna be homeless and then I'm just gonna die and You know, nothing's ever gonna work out for me, you know Those were like the thoughts I was having so I just sat back and observed them and I just started going I don't want to think that I want to think that and I would just As I felt them coming I would just replace it with like a positive thought I know this is really corny and simple, but I kind of started doing that and the more I did that Because it didn't quite work

That's it. I actually didn't work in the beginning at all but like I just kept doing it more and more and then I just became conscious of when my brain was going in that direction and Working out helps me eating right helps me Going down to comedy club telling jokes helps me out playing drums Wrestling with my dog You know taking Nia out to dinner just go do something like it's just a choice You know July 30th, it's only gonna happen once am I gonna fucking be a miserable cunt on this or I said July 30th 2012 is only gonna happen once it's just it's just a fucking choice dude

So, you know, if what you deal with is clinical then it will obviously wait beyond me So I don't need you know, and then I'm gonna fucking apologize like Fred Willard I'm sorry that you didn't go to a psychiatrist and you went to a hacky comedian instead Evidently, that's my fault. All right plowing ahead What are we up to here with time Jesus it's flying by Girl found porn Girl found porn Boy meets girl girl finds porn

boy is Embarrassed that's what I'm guessing. All right a few years a few years ago I was in a relationship and one morning my girl went snooping around on my computer when I was in the shower In a classic rookie mistake. I did not delete any of the porn sites. I had visited from my history I'm not an internet porn addict or anything But I am a dude and not only do I enjoy the occasional fucking swap session Whatever that means I guess jerking off but a lifetime of bountiful internet porn has made my ability to perform the mental beat A thing of the past. I don't know what that is. What is the mental beat?

My ability to perform the mental beat a thing of the past. Oh jerking off with just your thoughts Basically, I need moving pictures. I know many men understand my plate. Yeah, dude You got to go back to that go back to the mental fucking one. You know, it's a lot cheaper Nobody knows what you're thinking about It's a safe world Anyway, she was all kinds of pissed off asked me why I was looking at a site called you porn while starting to cry She was a seventh-degree black belt at the guilty crying style of fighting Meaning when she wants an instant victory she cries and I cave so I played the only card

I could diffuse I could to diffuse the situation which was to lie I said that a buddy sent me an email linked to that site because he thought he saw someone from our high school on there She immediately came back with but it's in the top ten of your most viewed sites on your history Geez, you know what? Yeah, I got to give it up to her right there man She went fucking Colombo on you and you walked right into that So he goes at this point I just came clean and told her that all the dudes still catch a beat that all dudes catch a beat Even when they're in a relationship and it doesn't mean that we don't find our girlfriends desirable

I tried to make it funny and said I was training my Hogan to gain stana ma stamina. So really she should be more Encouraging that's actually funny Alas, she wanted none of it and Was in total shock that I was doing this. She said that none of her previous boyfriends ever looked at porn Let alone rub one out while in a relationship. Okay, what fantasy planet does she live on? He goes I then became pissed that she would be so naive to think that that was true and told her that all dudes Do this and stood strong that I did nothing wrong. She kept go good for you Standing your ground good for you

She kept coming at me with yelling hitting and crying But I remain unwavering in my stance and did not apologize looking back I think I only took this stance because I was starting to have my doubts in regards to the relationship and just didn't give a fuck anymore Well, dude, I gotta be honest with you whether you gave a fuck or didn't give a fuck about her anymore If you totally love somebody that doesn't mean you cave in a hundred percent of the time, you know, cave in when you're wrong You're right. Sorry definitely do that shit, but like You know if you can't watch porn and rub one out then I mean I don't understand like I Mean it's it's a slippery slope starts with that and the next thing you know, you can't watch the game, right?

I don't fucking know anyways Turns out we broke up a few weeks later and you better believe she threw this incident back in my face When she was having the goat getting killed by a python last struggle that you had previously made analogies about Anyways, I have a new girlfriend now, which I like more But I was wondering how it would handle the situation with someone I really love So what do you think the best way to handle this situation if that happened to you or any other guy? Um You know, I don't think it's a big deal if you're not watching it habitually if you occasionally watch it some women consider it cheating

I don't know how the fuck do I well, I'm lucky Neha doesn't give a shit She doesn't care She would care if I hadn't done anything with her for a while and I was doing that I that would bother her But like she doesn't give a shit what I do I think someone has to accept you for who you are. All right, and let and unless you're like You know, if you occasionally smoke weed occasionally have a drink occasionally watch porn who gives a fuck But if you're always smoking weed if you're a fucking alcoholic or you're you Addicted to porn then I think they that

There's a problem, but I would just do what you do You know If you think it's an issue and you need to bring it up, I would just bring it up to say listen When I'm just let you know, I occasionally rub one out to porn and My one girlfriend really had a fucking problem with it And before we go any further just want to make sure you don't so there's no any weird arguments Not getting a lot of you that's not exactly an easy thing to bring up Which is why you just kind of have to be yourself in a relationship

So then it won't come out of left field because if you're being overly polite Overly jolly Overly, you know, just accentuating the good parts about you and not showing your seat to your side That really is gonna come out of left field. So does that make any sense? I would definitely I'd bring it up You know so sweetie Are we going to dinner tonight by the way? Do you like porn cuz I do I rub one out every once in a while The chicks do it really no. Where you going? My fucking ear is killing me. You know my dog caused my ear to bleed

She gave my fucking ear a headbutt should we get a pit bull you got to watch out for their heads because they're like little wrecking balls and You know, I hadn't been home in like a week I was out in Boston in the fucking north end all week By the way underrated the north end pizzeria Regina that one seat At the bar that faces the wall they call it their timeout chair You can walk right in you don't have to stand in line if you buy yourself and just ask if you can go sit there And a granted you have to face the wall why everyone at the bar shoots the shit, but if you're a loner like myself

It's fucking great, and it's tremendous pizza Anyway, so I had been home in like a week So, you know, my dog gets fucking excited to see me. I'm excited to see her Need a letter out the front. She's fucking jumping up and down. I come through the gate And I had a bunch of stuff in my hand and I kind of you know, it was bent down to like hey, what's up? the dog jumped up and Was like going to lick my face and basically had its mouth kind of open and we went teeth to teeth To that point where it was like that. I just knock out some teeth. They definitely feel numb

Fortunately, she didn't so that's what happened now. You would think if if you were a smart person You'd bring your bags in that house where you had your hands free and I could calm my dog down But I'm so fucking excited to see her and I get excited when she gets excited I mean, you know, I'm loving that she's it's fucking great when you come home And there's one person like this fucking guy's home. This is awesome, right? so I bent down to pet her and I was You know scratching her Ribs and she was looking down at her tail and then she swung her head back and I got my fucking mouth out of the way

Just the last second so didn't knock my teeth out and the side of her head Slammed into the side of mine and basically mushed my ear. I felt like I got suckered right in the side of the fucking ear and It fucking bled out I Think my ear died So now I got this fucking scab. It looks like I got this big schmutz of dirt On the side of my fucking ear for my goddamn dog So I got the headphones on it hurts That's why I told that story as this podcast going off the fucking rails. Is it me is it me?

All right, a couple of last two quick ads here And of course, I can't go back. Why does it do this to me? Why do you do this to me? Can anybody explain why on these new fucking? Macbook pros does anybody else have this problem you go on the fucking Internet and When you go to go to a new window you open a new tab It won't let you go back to the other window. We know you can click on it I don't know any nerds out there. No, what the fuck that's about All right, here we go. Let's go real quick

Amazon.com you guys know the deal if you're gonna buy something on Amazon not saying you go to go to bill bird comm Click on the podcast page and click on the banner at on the right hand side the Amazon Banner at on the right hand side you go to Amazon go ahead and buy something doesn't cost you any extra money They kick me a percentage 10% of that I give to the wounded warriors project you help support my podcast and The troops who made an unbelievable sacrifice for us. All right and gameplay.com Wouldn't you love to have 8,000 get video games at your fingertips? Sure? We all would All the new hits mailed to your home So if you're sick of paying $65 for the newest games that you or your kids use for a week

And then give then give game fly a shot game flyers offering my listeners a free two-disc 15-day trial $23 value go to Www.gamefly.com or the game fly banner on the on my podcast page of the website to redeem the offer There you go enough with the advertising for this week back to the shoe. All right, my girls lost their mind Oh By the way, everybody that was really embarrassing last week when I thought that that that woman who wanted to hike was actually a dude You know, I don't know what I was thinking. I always just get emails from guys Even when she said no one wants that ghetto pussy

I just thought that that was just some girl like trying to be tough and talking to a guy like he was a bitch I completely missed it and it was embarrassing I got 50 emails last week to said good podcast and the other 48 were ridiculing me for not realizing that So there you go. All right, last couple here, and then I got to get the fuck out of you All right, my girls lost her mind. What's up bill bow? I'm 25 and a few months ago. I met a girl that blew my fucking mind She was smart creative beautiful sexy It had been over a year since the last girl. I really cared about dumped me Because she had a religious epiphany and thought I was destroying her relationship with Christ

And I was beginning to think that I'd never have that gut feeling of love for a girl again, but this new girl but this new girl and I saw but I met this new girl and I started dating and things went real fast within two weeks We were together daily and things were great But about a month in I began to realize that she had a horrible temper. Oh man, that's brutal All right, even worse. She tended to put words in my mouth when she'd get angry and get more mad at things I didn't even fucking say here's an example. All right, this conversation goes her him her him her him. All right I'm not gonna say

I'm not gonna. All right. I'll just do the voices Okay, here's this example Honey, what time is the movie? 830 I Looked yesterday, and I'm pretty sure it was a Nah, I just looked it up. It's 830. Oh So some stupid What no, I didn't oh, so I'm stupid and I'm a liar

Jesus the only worse than her relationship was that acting I lost faith in it halfway through And it's gotten even extremely worse for the fourth day in a row She's blown up at me to the point of telling me that we should just break up I get pissed and I'm like fine and she's like, how dare you break up with me? How could you do that? Yeah, dude, this chick is out of her fucking mind. All right She's afraid you're gonna break up with her and she's just fucking She's fucking

She's sabotaging the relationship and guess what that's not your fucking problem All right, she can go work work out her anger with somebody else go find someone else. You're still young, right? Are you still young? As long as you're not like over 38, there's no reason to try and wait around for this girl to fucking get her shit together Anyway, she's completely in another world and last night. She told me the other reason why I was with her Was because it was for easy sex fucking ridiculous. She texted me to apologize, but ended up Oh, she texted you to apologize, but ended up she started the shit all over again When I asked her why she'd even fucking say something like that to begin with because she's out of her mind All right

This is your call sir You can either date someone who's healthy and is ready to accept you and all the wonderful things you bring to the table Um or she can go fuck herself right What I'm sorry did that make any fucking sense that that didn't did I just say that right? I'm sorry. I closed the window and then couldn't figure out where the hell it was Um, yeah, it's all up to you. Do you want to deal with this bitch? I don't think you do There's plenty of the great girls out there plenty of phenomenal women that'll be excited to be with you and not be a complete psycho

or you could sit with this girl and Maybe she'll figure this shit out I don't know. You know what I love about Nia is she's not an angry person Okay, who wants to have kids with someone who isn't who's fucking angry? Oh, Jesus. I'm glad she didn't hear that She fucking dumped me in a second. You know, but I think an angry dad is acceptable That's actually understandable because guys are idiots, but if the mom's angry too, I just can't imagine that I don't think that's good for kids Neither is an angry dad. I guess anger and generous is not a good thing

Well, you know, let's look at that I actually learned something Um, anyways, um, here's here's some stand-up dates. I have coming up. I'll be at the improv in Orlando, Florida, September 7th through the 9th And I'll be at Caroline's the rescheduled date September 20th through the 23rd I apologize to everybody. I had to cancel last second the uh, the Caroline's date at the end of July and moved to September 20th through the 23rd I got that acting gig I can't really tell you what it is

Because uh, you never know You never know you can have a giant role and then They go a different direction and by the time they're done editing you're not even in the fucking thing But uh, I got a good feeling that I'm gonna be um But we shall see we shall see oh billy the actors coming around coming around done a couple two three things this year Uh, speaking of which my favorite show breaking bad next week. You guys might want to tune in You might want to tune in next week because there are always great episodes wink wink

Especially when a certain somebody wink wink Might uh be making an appearance Hey, you know what? I saw a picture of one of the most beautiful trucks. I've ever fucking seen in my life. Um I think I've completely abandoned I still love cars, but I am a total truck guy now and Specifically I am a Ford truck guy From literally the 40s right through Like 1968 those are my favorite ones

I don't like the interiors on the 1970s Ford trucks. I do I do love the the front end so um But this guy's got a 1968 The same year as mine f100 with the long bed four-wheel drive and it is absolutely fucking gorgeous And uh, if anybody else is into trucks, I'm gonna have that up on the the mm podcast page. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week Um, I hope this week can go by without me seeing somebody

You know, then I'm a fan of or even not a fan of having to apologize for not fucking doing anything Anything wrong and I'm really sick of just the lazy journalism why you try to say that there's outrage when there was no outrage You know what I mean? the joke Basically worked people laughed It's just really fucking annoying. So anyways Um, that is it and by the way, if you ever see that dain is performing in any sort of Broadway thing, uh I can't recommend him highly enough. I was absolutely fucking

I he blew me away and I've known this guy for 20 fucking years. I've seen I've seen all the tricks in his fucking trick bag there and uh, absolutely fucking blew me away And I'm really happy for him, especially after that fucking bullshit That fucking nerd filming them that just really ruined my fucking week When that you know, nia actually called me up when that happened and like with like this concerned tone Going I know you've worked so hard. What if something you say? I mean, that's the climate that's starting to be created, which is the reason why people can't apologize For this shit. I mean

I don't know. I guess if you're on a tv show, uh, you get pressure to do it It's all bullshit. They even like the apology isn't sincere. It has to do with money like all right. We don't want People protesting this and making the show go away. There's hundreds of people who lose their jobs just fucking apologize I think that's why they always go after comedians who have like tv shows or have some sort of notoriety. Have you noticed that shit? They don't go after a guy like me What are they gonna do? You can't stop me from telling jokes next to a cheesecake factory in a mall. All right You could maybe turn it from a three-quarter full room to a half full room, but I don't give a fuck

All right Ah That just fucking frustrating. All right, that's it. Don't fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week Oh Oh Warm things up this spring with a trip to cerilas where romance finds fantasy While flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties Described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cerilas along with all ns novelties

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