Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-4-24

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

Bill rambles about the 4th of July, actors who served, and invading America. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:16) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback -7-4-16 - Bill rambles about cleaning up, the Austrian Grand Prix, and journeyman Quarterbacks. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: The Grateful Dead - Deal (Live at Cornell 5-8-77)

Happy birthday America I bought a four-wheeler Hey what's going on? How are ya? It's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon Just before Friday Monday morning podcast And I'm just checking in on you You got the day off right? You're not working for one of these big fucking box stores where some goddamn

Silicon Valley fucking nerd has you by the shorthairs and as you in there unloading virtual reality fucking something or others You know fucking something or others. You know, people got a lot of fucking nerve making people work on July 4th. Okay, there was a lot of people that died so we could have this day off and none of them wore powdered wigs. Alright, George Washington. He didn't do shit in that war let me tell you something he's doing all this fighting how come he had so long to fucking pose for that painting you know in the boat just fucking standing there with his leg up like he was doing

everything his little fucking mouth there's you know there's a little fucking Weasley mouth I'll tell right. We're going after all the founding fathers today Ben Franklin Ben Frank, he seemed like a good shit You know one of those fat guys that knows everything about sports but can't play them, you know, that's what he seemed to me That's why he was out there flying a kite Right was Ben Franklin around the same time as George Washington. Did they share the earth at the same moment? And at any point did Ben look at George and say, George, I just want to tell you that I feel so grateful that my time on earth coincide with coincided with yours.

And you know what George said back to him? He said, Ben, are you fucking my wife why are you being so nice to me huh you're talking to those fucking crooked teeth English people this is the saddest day in Britain they don't want to admit it like in Great Britain they all drive around they act like they don't know that it's the 4th of July and that it's America's birthday, you know, cause they've still never quite been able to handle that you lost to us. And every four years when there's a presidential election and we,

for whatever reason, we allow two mentally damaged 80 year olds, you know, you guys get all excited and you shit on us, but you never address the elephant in the room, which is you lost to that. Okay, we had a home court advantage. We stole home court from you. Um, anyway, I don't know anything about any of this stuff. I remember they just used to have me memorize it, right? That was the big deal. I have no idea.

All right. I'm just a dad in sweatpants, in a workout shirt, who's not going to fucking do anything active today. I made waffles this morning. That's what I did. My son comes in. He's always like, we keep the door locked because he always comes walking in, you know, and we thought if we started locking the door, he would just realize that he couldn't get in.

So instead what he does is he just, he doesn't even try the door anymore. He immediately just puts his head underneath the door and like starts yelling through the crack. Dad! Jack you make waffles! And I'll be like in a minute buddy I'm gonna get up in a minute. You come get me I'll come get you. Okay. He goes back down the hallway. Three minutes later. Dad. Breathing all heavy underneath the fucking door. Can you make waffles?

I said I would in a minute, buddy. Okay. It's like 40 minutes of that before I finally just go, all right, waffle time. Anyway, I don't know what you guys are doing today. I was in a panic because I had a week off and now I am in full on fucking vacation mode. I ain't doing shit today.

I didn't do shit yesterday. I'm not doing shit tomorrow. This is what it takes me like two days to remember how to relax. And then once I relax, I get so fucking relaxed where I start going like, I don't ever want to go back to work. Like, I could do this. Like I have enough shit in my house that I could just gradually sell it all off on eBay.

There's an interesting one. If you just started selling all this shit in your fucking house, if you had no job, all right, and you just started putting all this shit that you've bought in over the years. Okay. And I know it's hard for you to not realize that what you purchased generally speaking is a bunch of shit. All right. But you know, if you look at other people's stuff, right,

this is the old George Carlin bit. You ever notice all your shit is stuff and everybody else's stuff is shit? Hey, can you get your shit out of here so I can put my stuff down, man? Those are my favorite fucking bits. I look around, I look around and I don't like what I see. I have so much fucking shit. I've been doing a real good job about getting rid of it. I gotta start getting rid of all of these books that I've read. I'm gonna pause here so you guys can laugh.

I mean, over the course of my lifetime, I have read some books. But there's certain ones that I'm gonna keep. But I gotta get rid. I mean, the, it's so stupid that I have a bookshelf, you know, to read as little as I do to actually have a bookshelf, you know what I mean? It's kind of like, you know, buying driving gloves and then getting into like a Prius. I'm actually reading an autobiography right now on Lee Marvin. One of my favorite actors growing up. He just had the greatest voice and he just had this fucking look on his face.

And I knew that he had fought. I wasn't sure if it was Korea or World War II, and I knew that he had gotten injured and most of his platoon had been wiped out or whatever the fuck it was. But I never realized, uh, you know, the extent of action that that guy saw and the amount of people that, you know, it was him or them, you know? And I guess he had some wild interviews. Like he kind of came up in the class of like, he was right around the time, Ernest Borgnein,

Paul Newman, James Coburn, all those guys you see that would do guest stars on the Untouchables, Leonard Nimoy, I remember seeing him doing an episode playing a heavy. Who would have thought later on, ten years later he's playing Spock. Then he had to write a book saying I am NOT Spock. And then he wrote another book saying I am Spock. I mean the fucking nerds just wore him down. Paul Newman was a little late. Marlon Brando was another one. And all those guys like blew up. Like Brando, Paul Newman.

Jack Palance was another guy from his generation. It was really just amazing to read all of this stuff. And makes me want to go back and watch a lot of his movies. But, uh, you know, I was always sitting at, you know, from the eighties on and you'd see like these action stars and he's when they were all fucking good looking guys and they were jacked, you know? And then I would go Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood. He was part of that whole era and You know, and then I would go, oh, Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood. He was part of that whole era.

And you know, you'd go back and you'd look at these other guys, you know, from that earlier generation, there was something about them. They just looked older, they looked meaner, and you just sort of believed it where by the eighties, it kind of started to get a little glossed over with baby oil on a torso to make it shimmer more and on the camera. But yeah, those guys were like war veterans. They actually killed people. So there's an unbelievable line in the book. in the book when somebody started talking politics and was saying how you know this country should go to war America should go to war about something

like that and Lee Marvin basically said to the guy oh yeah how many wars have you fought in because I fought war and I know what it looks like what war have you fought other than you know on a producer's lot trying to get a script greenlighted? I can't say it the way he said it. He totally fucking shut the guy down. But anyway, um, I don't know maybe that'll be the only thing that good that comes out of uh, All of these awful wars that are still going on is you get great actors former veterans I don't know Anyway, anyway it's getting dark again

we're not doing it we're not doing Billy darkness all right well you were Billy Sweetwater that's what we're doing huh that's it's July 4th you know you're out there on your boat your wife's being nice to you your wife's being nice to you I had a funny being nice to you. I had a funny thing this morning. You ever tease your wife and she thinks you're serious and then she gets legit mad and then you start laughing saying you're only joking and then she feels stupid so she won't apologize and she has to fight with you anyway. Oh my God.

It's fucking hilarious. Oh my God. My Nia was so fucking mad at me. She is, she's such an incredible woman. Like even when she's mad, she's gorgeous. Oh my god, my Nia was so fucking mad at me. She is, she's such an incredible woman. Like even when she's mad, she's gorgeous. She fucking hopped out of the bed, got right in my face and I'm laughing because I'm going, oh my god, she took it seriously.

But then when she was in my face, like I, you know, yelling, even though she was yelling at me and insulting the shit out of me, I still found her like wildly attractive. You know what I'm gonna do next time she does that is she's yelling at me, calling me all these names and shit. I'm going to kiss her right on the nose. You're adorable. Anyway, so it's the summertime. That was supposed to be the end of my tour, you know, but I still got a couple dates. I got to clean up.

I got Winnipeg and then I'm outside of Toronto. And I'm psyched to go to Winnipeg. I haven't been there in a long time. And I don't know, that's one of my favorite ones because that's that you know that's just one of those cities that I just grew up watching hockey so I was like Winnipeg where the fuck is that what is that how cold is it how many people are there and it's just one of those cities you just don't think you're ever gonna go to and then one next thing you know there you

are in the dead of winter in Winnipeg. And you're like, I get it. I get why so few people live here. You know, when you see them driving around in every car, it has like this fucking umbilical cord on the front because they have to like plug it into a heater because if they don't, their fucking engine block will freeze overnight and they'll never get it started. They have like under,

they have a labyrinth under the city just so you can walk from one place to another. These little stores like an underground fucking mall. That's what really is amazing about people. It's just like, you know, I know everything's about money, but like when you come to a desert, why don't you just go like it's a desert. We shouldn't be living here. Then we don't. Somebody's got to figure it out.

Somebody's got to just put his hands on his hips and just, and I do mean he, all right, because don't believe these Hollywood movies where they go, you know, actually a woman invented this. Okay? They're just they're just out of ideas All right, they've done a movie about every male hero out there So now they just got to retread it and be like, oh, you know what Mad Max was actually a woman. Oh, we're sorry Oh, wait a second Scarface was actually a woman

Betsy Ross, okay You know that that was that was a that was an androgynous name Betsy back in the day Anyway, I know there's a lot of bullshit. There's a lot of bullshit being slung on this podcast right now. Okay I had a dry waffle and half a cup of coffee. That's where I am right now mentally Okay, you want some of this? Um But anyway, i've been playing a lot of drums lately having a fucking great time I think I finally have left john bonham behind playing a lot of drums lately, having a fucking great time. I think I finally have left John Bonham behind as far as like, I just don't sit there playing

to Led Zeppelin and trying to do all the things that he did, which I'll never be able to do. And at best just be a fucking bad guitar center dad rip off of what he did. I finally was able to walk away. As far as like his influence on my drumming, you know, not saying I even remotely sound like him, but as far as like how I just could not get out of that Eddie

of John Bonham, John Bonham, he's just so much better than everybody else in basically Arena Rock, that's all I was listening to. I couldn't get out of it like De Niro and casino He just couldn't break up with Sharon Stone's Character which by the way, you know once a year I have to watch that fucking masterpiece and I gotta tell you the I Know I don't want to start the bullshit But the fact that Sharon Stone didn't win a fucking Oscar for that performance. I don't I don't know what to tell you

Okay, you you tell me you tell me tell me. You tell me. You tell me what was better that year. Oh my God. And the suits that De Niro has and his fucking El Dorados. And then that thing, Dewey Scorsese. I've never seen anybody ask Martin Scorsese why did he like those scenes the way he did? It was almost like close encounters when they would try to make it seem like a spaceship was landing. He had like this light from up top and I was sitting there going this is such a specific choice because he doesn't do it in any other movie. So is this like gods looking looking down at them, seeing what they're doing? I have no idea, but I feel like it has to do with like, uh, you know, morality, death, the afterlife,

heaven and hell, something like that. I'm going to, I'm going to go with that big, big fucking broad brush, not to trash the ladies again. Um, I watched a movie this week called hardcore starring George C. Scott, um, which, uh, has some amazing, amazing shots late, like three or four shots of LA back in the late seventies. One, but that pans, you know, it's north of Hollywood

Boulevard and goes right behind Mann's Chinese Theatre and it's 1978 and Star Wars is still playing there even though it came out in 77. So they actually captured like this huge moment. Well Jaws has already happened, that started the blockbuster and then the next two years later, he had Star Wars. And then it was all about the Blockbuster. And I guess, you know, once again, the industry changed and I'm reading that Lee Marvin book. And then that's when, you know, the kinds of films that he was doing kind of got set aside and they were like,

this is the new thing. It's all about trying to make a billion dollars off for one movie, you know? And then there was like, there was all these jaws, jaws ripoffs, and then a bunch of space movies cause star wars did so well, you know? Uh, I remember like there was a fucking blatant ripoff of jaws that was like, uh, the hell was it? It was an alligator movie. I still remember this guy jumping in the pool.

I don't even know if it was Matt. I saw it on TV. He jumped in the pool and the alligator was in the bottom of the pool. It's just, it's fucking mouth open. Um, I feel like alligators are always hungry where a shark can swim by you and just not be in the mood you know but like alligators still like they're like fucking it's like they're eating Doritos or something like anything goes in the water they go in the water and

then they just fucking rip it apart but there's also I feel like there's way more alligators or at least they're all like you know maybe sharks have money so they can fucking kind of, you know, be in their little gated communities where alligators are like, you know, they seem to like living someplace with an HOA. They're all laying on top of each other and shit. You're not allowed to put a fence at the end of your driveway. Um, I want to say one night, late night, I was watching something, uh, one of those murder shows, which by the way, you got shout out to SNL with that

whole sketch about women watching murder shows before they went to bed is like, that was just like one of those classic comedy bits that once somebody says it out loud, you realize everybody's because I just thought that was like a unique thing about my wife. I was going like, she really likes these fucking murder shows and kind of like, yeah, you know, it's kind of a strange thing to go to sleep to, you know, they seem like the perfect couple. He had a thriving business.

She was the former prom queen. But I closed doors. An entirely different scenario was playing out. You know, and whoever they showed next, the other person is dead. That's the only thing when they talk about two people and then all they have is their friends, you know, and then finally there's just one person and they're wearing that, you know, it's a prison top and they're like, Oh, you killed the other person. But did he, did she, you know, ladies, I gotta tell you, you gotta say this at least, you

know, when a guy kills a woman, at least it's over quickly. You know what I mean? That is the one thing. You know, it's over. Violent. Done. You guys with the fucking slow poisoning over a year and a half just watching the person wither away. Fucking teeth falling out out hair falling out You're like now come on drink your juice you need your vitamins And you have 18 months to sit there going like Should I do this? Is there an afterlife? Am I gonna get punished?

Look man a woman like in a split second, when you do something like that, like, I mean, it's all bad, but at least I don't know, to just sit there for like a six months. I don't know, but you know something, what about the guys that are like, they go on the internet and they're trying, they're reading about the, they do a search for the tides. You know, I mean, I'm going to rent the boat. And the whole time you're doing it, do you ever start thinking to yourself? Like, what the fuck am I doing? I don't, is it literally, they don't know how to break up with somebody or is it are they that fucking selfish? That they want to keep their money

Or they just fucking insane I hate the insane one he's just a sociopath it's just too fucking easy I want a better answer than that You know well this guy's total fucking narcissist that, you know, well, this guy's total fucking narcissist, you know, she's got mommy issues. Like they're just that fucking pop psychology shit that people just throw around. That's probably because he has a little dick, you know, like this, like this, like people who don't have any sort of background, myself included, like that's, that's where we usually go.

Background myself included like that's that's where we usually go It's it's a sociopath narcissist Dick size issue closeted gay Is there one other oh And then some sort of you know childhood issue, parental issues. Um, Oh my God. This reminded me of a fucked up story. I can't tell that story the way you guys are, the way you guys clip and cut shit. I was speaking to that.

I had somebody do that to me. Um, you know, it's funny. Like someone was trying to say that the Russian bots and all of this stuff is what's fucking this country up. And I keep saying that it was CNN and Fox. This is how bad the news is, right? So I would do this bit in my act. I can do it now because I already taped it on a special, but I would do this bit in my

act where I would say, you know why? That's why I fucking hate liberals. All right? And I was talking about hardcore liberals, but I was also setting up conservatives in the crowd. That's why I fucking hate liberals. And then conservatives would be like, yeah, and I go, hey, don't get too fucking happy. I don't like conservatives either, you know? And then I said, made a blanket statement about them, but saying that they're into blanket statements. So they can't get mad at me. It's a cute little joke, right? So I did a show on my,

my tour that just ended and some asshole went to the show and they only printed half of that. Bill Burris says he fucking hates liberals and they left out all the part where I trashed the conservatives. And it's just like, it's one of the coolest things about my job is you realize like where journalism is at. You know, I would love to say that that's just, you know, some click bait-y fucking bullshit, but they all do that stuff now. You know what I mean? Lynn, just how slanted it is. Like, you know, I still read the newspaper. So the other day on the cover of the New York Post, you know,

they were talking about how the New York Times finally was admitting that Biden had some sort of cognitive issues and they were just like, now you're going to get it, right? Because it's just, it's all part of their political slam and meanwhile they're completely ignoring the guy that they are behind and that's the number one thing that's wrong with this fucking country now if we could just like we should all be getting together man and just being like this is unacceptable that these two old senile and fucking lunatic coots are our only fucking choice.

It's not good for national security. I'm saying that right now. If I was sitting there thinking about when's a good time to invade America, that this is, you know, that last debate makes, yeah, that's, I don't know if it's going to get better than this. I think this is, I think this is the low point So anyway plowing ahead I'm getting caught up on my moto GP action Shout out to Joe Roberts moto GP twos American who's having a hell of a fucking season here

Keeps winning like he does next thing. You know you're gonna have a fucking yank up there in the top level of MotoGP. Yeah I've just been chilling out so it's gonna be a nice day I want to thank all you guys once again I can't thank you guys enough all of these years for coming out to my tours and I was like I'm taking this whole fucking week off and you know what last night I was going like you know what I got some ideas I think I'm gonna go down the store and try out some ideas I got some fucking ideas I said do I got some fucking ideas you know what I love too is none of them are trashing women I got this funny thing like whenever I'm writing a new hour and I just have nothing to talk about like I just fucking misogyny just

coming out just pouring out of me. Trying to get past that. Trying to get to the real issue. You know that I'm a narcissist sociopath with a dick size issue that's a closeted gay person with daddy issues. There you go, pop psychology. It's kind of funny how we analyze everybody kind of with those same five fucking things, parental issues, not just dad, mom, dad, whatever. Right. And, uh, and we all just accept it. It always reminds me of Colin Quinn. You said this great joke about those stupid office jokes, you know, that, that, uh,

that people always do and people still fucking laugh, even though you've heard them a thousand times. I feel like those things have now, you know, have now gone onto the internet. So I've noticed the latest internet joke where you'll always get a laugh is you just put not the in front of whatever you and then describe whatever you just watched You know Yeah, whatever fuckface and then some right not the fuckface comment and Then you get a million strangers in robots to be like I know right

Those robots to be like, I know, right? Those, uh, those fucking jokes after the first time I've read them and then people steal them and then they all do it and they, and they do it for like a fucking year. It offends my joke writing sensibilities. All right. Cause I don't know if I've ever told you guys this, but I am above you when it comes to leaving comments on social media. That's why I don't do it. You know what I mean?

Because I don't want to go in there and, you know, show you what I can do. No, I'm kidding. I've been known to leave a comment or two. I think the last time I commented was when these fucking idiots like Like I love how everybody's up in arms with that fucking cyber pickup truck Like the fucking hatred that thing is getting People have more passion about that for hating that fucking truck than they do about watching two fucking old people talking about golf in the middle of a fucking thing like this people like on on like

There's people that walked away from that feeling like their guy one That's where we're at You got two buckets of shit one buckets painted blue and the other's painted red and neither one is gonna say It's a bucket of shit and they're just gonna be like well mine doesn't smell as bad as yours Still a bucket of shit and it is gonna be like well mine doesn't smell as bad as yours Still a bucket of shit there Come on younger people Millennials you're in your 40s Come on run for office do it Have them dig into your private life get a little dirty

Be part of a few murders do what you gotta do to ascend the fucking political ladder So we can at least have something decent to look at right? How about a fucking hottie? That's will be the next thing. They'll be like an influencer You should run you should run for president. It'd be better than the fucking bullshit they're fucking giving it this year. Oh my God, Mandy, you're so brave. Is that the direction we're headed in? I think we are. I think it's all part of,

maybe God is killing us like an unhappy wife, right? Rather than doing it quickly, like a fucking asteroid or something like that, he's gonna slowly poison us with nerds from silicone valley making uh Social media platform to just fucking Like how many hours of that shit can you watch a day before your lower jaw starts opening and you start breathing through your mouth

before your lower jaw starts opening and you start breathing through your mouth. Look at me feeling like I'm above you guys because I read a Lee Marvin book this week. I really am an asshole. Anyway, happy birthday America. My condolences to England. Okay, you had a great run. You had a great run oppressing so much of the world, but you know, now it's our time. That's what we're doing. Sorry, liberating people. This is what we are about. Because we learned from you, England.

We learned how not to be. Anyway, all right. That is the podcast, everybody. Please enjoy the music that the always wonderful Andrew Themelis picks out, and then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. You and me better spend some time watching our dreams Close the show, you don't have a home Watch each clock rain, rain and snow Waiting till that day will come round Don't you let that day go down on us

I've been there, been there, held out But Tim Goodside and you If I told you Lord, if I'd downed, if I'd burned I'd blow your wind Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 4th, 2016. How's it going?

Happy birthday to the United States of America. Happy birthday to the United States of America. Happy birthday, United States of America and the North American continent. Happy birthday to you. What's going on? And thank you for the well wishes of happy birthday from all the other countries around the world that realize we are the best.

Huh? You think you got fat people? Huh? Take a look at that! Beat that motherfuckers! What else you think you can beat us in? Huh? What do you want? What do you want to have it? What do you what kind of fucking battle you want?

All you cunts around the world you stole our jeans All those cool American jeans you guys would defect from your country just to get over here to get a pair of button-fly fucking 501 blues remember that shit all of a sudden, you know Couple of fucking wars and everybody forgets how much you loved our jeans. That's, you know what? That's just typical. That is just fucking typical. You know? Fucking England coming over here, stealing, re-fucking, cycling our fucking music, walking around like they're doing something. Re-doing the fucking music from the people that we didn't accept fuck are you guys doing?

anyways I'm having a great three day fucking weekend I'm not doing shit I am I'm back in the workout mode so the needle is pointed in the right direction. Old Freckles is going, damn, damn, damn! Fucking... Looked in the mirror last night and I could tell I was starting to lose weight, made me feel good.

You know what I mean? It's a fucking tough thing being a redhead. You know, there's a really small window that you have to exist in, or else the beatings start again. And it's really something you can't understand. Um... Alright, I'm all over the fucking place. I got a bunch of shit I have to do. I'm having some family over today for a fucking cookout.

I'm going easy this year. Rather than trying to smoke something and blah blah blah and do all that shit. I'm fucking going burgers and dogs. Burgers and dogs, the way it used to be. Before the fucking Food Network showed up. And everybody's got to be like a top chef You know Remember you were growing up. That's what it was it was burgers and dogs and everybody was fucking happy

Right till the boo started going around then yeah, and I got a little sideways, but it happens so yesterday Had some friends over we had some cigars Right and you know the deal. It's like all right your buddies are coming over Yesterday, had some friends over, we had some cigars, right? And you know the deal. It's like, all right, your buddies are coming over. Your wife's gonna be like, how long are they gonna bear? Even if they're cool, like my wife's cool,

but there's always gonna be an element of, how are they gonna bear? They're gonna be loud? Are they gonna be upstairs and downstairs? It's like, yeah, I'm having people over. Do I do that when you have a little twat party? Do I? You have them over for your fucking wines

and you're all sitting there laughing with your high-pitched fucking voices. You don't think that that's putting cracks in the walls? I don't fucking bitch about it. I go down to the old fucking hardware store. get out the spackle right with every little cat right another fucking line in the wall you don't hear me complaining got my putty knife out oh you have a good time ladies right anyways so we have we were hanging I was actually fucking hilarious because I'd gone out and I bought you know got some Cuban cigars. Oh, what a fuckhead

I cleaned everything up right The thing that what you want to do This is what I've realized when you're living with a woman what you want to do is you just go all out right? You fuck I clean the fucking place up is you just go all out, right? You fu- I clean the fucking place up. Okay? I even like, like the deck on the back, like I fucking

hosed it off. So there wouldn't be traips and dirt in and out of the house or whatever, right? And she's sitting there going like wow, you're really going all out. Yeah, there's a reason. Sam Kitteson There's a fucking reason There's a fucking reason why. Because what you want to do is what you're doing is you just put yourself into a position

where you did absolutely nothing wrong. So when they complain, because they're still going to complain, you got all of this fucking ammo. Right? I cleaned this whole fucking place up. Cleaned out the back porch, down backyard the whole fucking thing cleaned it up And we're having family over here today, which was another great one to be like well. I'm also doing it for your family, right? so

I'm doing all of this shit. I got I Got the booze. I Got the fucking the the outdoor patio furniture, I got everything all cleaned up, I got an ashtray upstairs, I got one downstairs, I got the backyard lights on, I got the whole fucking thing, I got the music, I got the whole thing, and then at like 6 o'clock at night, I realized I didn't get cigars. I bought cigars, but I don't have a humor door and I said I was gonna pick them up and I had this fucking panic attack

because it was Sunday before the fourth that they were gonna close and it was six excruciating rings before they picked up and I was able to run down there and get them, right? And they showed up, I ordered some pizzas and all that fucking shit and here's the best part, right? Here is the best part. My wife went to sleep, right?

We're smoking, we're telling fucking stories. You know, I got all these orange sodas for myself, right? And it turns out everybody there wanted one because it had the real sugar and it went great with the cigar. I'm telling you, Cuban cigar and the Fanta orange soda is the shit, right? They drank all my orange soda. So I had to drink grape soda like a fucking six fucking year old, right? So

Anyways the end of the night You know what? I fucking cleaned up everything You wouldn't you wouldn't even fucking know you wouldn't know a god day. You wouldn't know that a fucking soul was here And that's what you do All these fucking married guys who said hey, you know, it's that fucking worth it. It is fucking worth it You just you just have to do it perfectly Right you go all out you clean up the fucking place. They come over You have a great fucking time when you leave you fucking clean the whole place up again. What can she say?

What is she gonna say to you? You're not allowed to have friends? Little things like that because I've had buddies of mine coming over here like, oh dude you fucking what are you doing? You did all that and you fucking wash the dishes. There's a genius behind what I do. I'm talking shit here. I'm drinking throat coat tea and I'm talking shit. What can they fucking say? Then what it is, is if you do everything perfectly, then they're leaving themselves totally exposed if they start complaining.

That they're all that basically can complain about at that point is that you have friends and you invited them over to the house. All right? And they know they don't have a fucking leg to stand on, so the bitching goes down by like 90%. Now, if you have your fucking friends over and you leave the fucking ashtray out and there's footprints all over the fucking place, they can make it about that.

When the real thing is, is they don't want you to have friends right but they can hide behind the other ship but that the real thing is they don't want you to have friends and they want to slowly kill you so that they can you know have the house to themselves and if you you know go to the obituaries there's a bunch of guys dropping around 58 59 60 and that that's what happened what really happened was they had friends over and they didn't clean up you dropping around 58, 59, 60, and that's what happened. What really happened was they had friends over and they didn't clean up, you know? Which gave their wives the window

to bitch them into an early grave. And now they're sitting there in the fucking house having a hell of a time, right? Getting to play the victim, getting all the sympathy cards and eating all the pound cake. And that's a fact. You know, coming with the truth here on the Fourth of July. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Anyways, so afterwards, right, so we're drinking sodas. I'm stone sober, right? And everybody leaves except for one of my other buddies, and he wasn't an AA, right? The older you get, the more your friends just fucking they quit you know what I mean They just fucking quit It's like being a lifer in the military everybody doesn't sign back up all of a sudden. You're the old guy You know

Fucking walking around where the fuck all my friends go right walking around all sad with your fucking smokey the bear hat I'd hate you. So he still drinks, so they leave, so I get out the giant fucking ice cubes, I pour a couple of Johnny Blues out of fucking Blue, right? And you know, he has to drive, so he's doing the little sippy cup shit, and I live here, so I'm doing the home pours, right? 1001, 1002,

1003C, right? One of those pours. So I have a couple, two, three of those. I'm feeling good. And, you know, but I'm not, I clean the whole fucking, when I say I clean the whole, all the leftover pizza, I wrapped each slice individually in foil and then I put a letter on it.

P for pepperoni, S for sausage, M for fucking margarita. Took the pizza boxes out, put them in the recycle bin. Took out the fucking chemicals. Fucking sprayed down the counters. You wouldn't fucking, that goddamn forensic team of forensic cunts with their fucking dusters were coming would have no fucking idea anything happened, right? so now I'm feeling all proud of myself I got my little fucking sippy drink there and I put on the TV because I'm not

ready to go to bed yet and what do I see time life books or whatever time life records presents easy listening love songs right and I'm sitting there watching it, right? I'm not in love, so don't fucking ask me. I'll put your picture on the wall, cause it's a stain there. Right? I'm like, I remember that fucking song. And who could forget this one? Engelbert Humperding. Please release me, let me go. Geez, you ever listen to the lyrics of that song? It's like, for fuck's sake, just break up with her. Please release me, let me go

Geez, you ever listen to the lyrics of that song? It's like, for fuck's sake, just break up with her. He literally says something like, talking about I found a new love. Her lips are warm and yours are so cold. It's like Engelbert, just enough with the fucking details. Just break up with her. Just say, look, I'm not in love with you anymore. You're not going to bring up the other fucking broad down the street who's got your heart

racing, you fucking cunt. It's such a cunty song, but you know, I heard it when I was younger, so I'm listening to all of these fucking songs. God doesn't make little green apples and fucking something, something bad, but and next thing you know, I'm on the phone Calling 1-800 and give me those fucking CDs So the guy picks up the phone he goes. Hey, this is Rob from time life records Who am I speaking to this evening? I'm like you're speaking to Bill Rob Are you doing buddy? I'm doing great. Look what?

What can I do you for? I'm like well you know I'm watching Engelberg Humperdink giving this broad too much information but you know I like the sound of it. I want to order the CDs and he goes great great can I get a phone number? I'm like no you can't. Not giving you my phone number. He goes well then I can't complete this order. Just like that. Like I was the 90th person in a row that said, I'm not giving you my phone number. Right? And he was tired of hearing it. He gave me the old right there, Fred. Well, then I can't do the order.

Is there anything else I can help you with? And I'm like, well, hey, Rob, well, let's go. We just went from zero to 200 here. Why do I have to give you my phone number? And he's like, oh, you have to give you my phone number? And he's like, oh, you have to get the phone number so we can complete the order. It's like, I understand you're saying that,

but I'm asking you why. And he goes, oh, it's because it's company policy. And I'm like, why is it company policy? He goes, because I need the phone number in order to complete the order. I go, okay, see what we just did there? We just drove in a circle, okay I'm trying to get out of the centrifugal fucking force here and get over to the reason

the fucking reason right and He finally just goes well You know the reason is that if there's a problem with your order we need to call you and it's just like Well, if there's a problem with the order need to call you and it's just like well if there's a problem with the order meaning you're charging my card and the CDs don't ever come you don't think I'm not gonna call you you literally had when I called up if there's a problem with your order press 2 so it just we just keep going around I go you just want the phone number and I go not you just want the phone number. And I go, not you personally, but Time Life does,

so they can sell it to other people. Next thing you know, I'm walking my dog, and some cunt is calling me up going, congratulations. You're the lucky business winner of whatever, right? So it fucking escalates to a really hostile. You have a good night, sir. I'm like, you have a good night too, Rob. Hang up.

And I'm sitting there for a second, too Rob right hang up then I'm sitting there for a second right doing the whisper yelling fucking cocksuckers think I'm fucking stupid enough to give you my phone number right all by myself like a complete lunatic you know and in the background the fucking commercial still on muskrat love and I'm sitting there fucking cocksucking motherfuckers right just fucking send me the fucking. I bought this before I never had to give you my phone number Three easy payments of $29.95 right you get my fucking money I'm gonna call me I'll pay just this is Rob from time life. Just call him to check to see if you got those CDs, right?

So anyways life just call him to check to see if he got those CDs right so anyways I really want these fucking CDs so I call back again and for some reason I decided to just go into a southern accent and I was like when they asked me for their phone number I'm just for my phone number I'm just gonna give them their phone number see if they they notice like can I get your phone number sure what 800 right I was gonna do that shit but uh what happened was by the time the lady picked up there it was the end of the infomercial and went on to something else you know something that either makes you skinny or fucking helps clean up after your goddamn kids I forget what it was right so she she

answers the phone she's like hey this is so blah blah blah blah from fucking town. I'm like, how you doing? I like to order them, uh, easy listening, uh, CDs, five easy payments, 29.95. She's like, okay, uh, can I get a name? Who am I speaking to? I'm like, Bill. Bill Burr, right? She totally does not sound like a Southern name, whatever Southern, Bill Joe, Bill Burr. Um, and she goes, can I get a phone number? I just decided I was just going to give her area codes. does not sound like a southern name, whatever southern, Joe Bilber. And she goes, can I get a phone number? I just decided I was just gonna give her area codes. I was like, my phone number is 818-323-2125. And she goes, okay, that number is 818-323-2125. I'm like, yes it is, yes ma yes ma'am just lied I got my tapes they're gonna

fucking show up right my CDs no fucking problem I gave them a fake email like I said too damn tall at AOL.com I know what that means. Can I get an email? It's 2, the number 2, number 2, and damntall. I didn't say damn like I was trying to be polite. So then she had to read it back. So that email is number 2 damntall at aol.com. I'm like, that's right. Yes it is.

And I got him coming. Five fucking CDs. Five CDs for 30 bucks, three payments. I don't know what the fuck it was. That's gonna be a lot of CDs. You know what's funny? My Prius still has a CD holder. When my new car gets here, it won't. And then what the fuck do I do? Well, I know what I do. I sell them for one easy payment of $9.95 on eBay. You know, and no phone numbers required. Just give me a fucking address and I'll send it to you.

What do you think about that? All right. Come on, Bill, type in your fucking password. Ah, Jesus Christ. So rumor has it that Kevin Durant is gonna go to the fucking Golden State Warriors and As a sports fan, I cannot think of a more boring fucking move You know what I mean? I

Just and I fucking hate how ESPN and all these sports places. They just don't call them out on it like how bad that is for sports fans. I wanted to see if Oklahoma City, now he hasn't done it yet, but you know, sources say, rumors and all that shit. I wanted to see if, you know, what the fuck. Can Oklahoma City get by Golden State next year? Can Golden State redeem themselves and win a fucking championship, you know? It was such a great series, exciting series. Oklahoma had them beat, they had their foot on their neck

and then fucking Golden State comes roaring back. This is like, this is great. I want to see this again next year. Like when the 76ers tried to get past the Celtics. Dr. J didn't just sign with the Celtics. Granted, they got Moses Malone. I guess it's been going on for a while. I just don't fucking get it.

Just don't fucking get it. It's like, all right, this is a great rivalry. They're evenly matched. It went seven games. Hey, let's take the best player, or one of the best players, depending on if you like Westbrook Brad, and we'll just stick them on the other fucking team and now that rivalry

is null and void now it goes from wow seven game great series to fucking you know four or five game series who gives a shit yeah I don't fucking get it it's fucking Jerry West going you know know, if you sign here, your rebounding's gonna be Modus more, your blah blah blah's gonna be a Jerry. You don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck if all the best players in the league are all on one fucking team.

It's the worst fucking thing ever. You know, this is coming from a Celtic fan, and I watched us do that with that Kevin Durant team. Kevin Durant, Kevin Garnett team. You know, we just bought that. We went from literally last place to winning the championship in one fucking year and I realized that there's a skill to it. But as a crabby old fucking curmudgeoned, I just don't, I just, what is exciting about that? If he signs with the Golden State Warriors, that's great great why don't you have LeBron jump on that one too remember those great Miami Heat teams remember how exciting that was if you lived in Miami everybody else

it was a fucking snoozefest they all sit on a fucking yacht hey y'all want to be on the same team we'll win three in a row and we'll be like, we'll be a dynasty like the fucking, the bulls. We'll be like them. Yeah, except they didn't pile on. Oh, I'm in a mood. I hope that move doesn't happen. You know it's going to happen.

I just, you know, whatever. It's his fucking career. But just saying, as a sports fan, as a guy who fucking watches sports, but doesn't really pick up on anything and then runs his fucking mouth on a podcast, I am not in favor of that fucking move. That would suck, you know?

Yeah, I just, what are you gonna do? Well, that's what these kids do nowadays. I mean, actually it's been going on for 30 fucking years. Biggest, I guess, free agent signing or trade or whatever of my life, of my life, was Wayne Gretzky going to the Kings. If ever there was an unmovable guy, like there's no fucking way this franchise is ever getting rid of this player unless we just completely, I don't know, went out of business, folded and had to move.

Or if our, I don't know, our owner's son fucking financed the Michael Jackson victory tour, you know. So now daddy has to sign, sell the fucking team because Michael Jackson Jackson stage was so big it ate up all these fucking seats That they were losing money every night and then racist Massachusetts Said that they couldn't do the show out in Foxboro You know Because they didn't want a bunch of black people coming out to Foxboro mass going For fucking three hours evidently that was gonna be a problem. I mask going hee hee for fucking three hours evidently that was going to be a problem. I could see them making the fucking move.

Right? You know that promoter told me that that's how I always used to think that when Billy Sullivan the original owner of the Patriots his son Patrick somehow was the promoter for the Michael Jackson victory tour and I remember at the last second you know it was supposed to be at Sullivan Stadium which was a Patriots old stadium and at the last second Foxboro was just like yeah no you're not having that concert out here and it was just because it was gonna be a bunch of black people out there right and but Michael Jackson had in his contract that you know once you sign it whether the

show happens or not you got to pay me And I used to think that that one show Fucked him over, but this promoter in Boston told me no he had this giant ass fucking stage and The Sullivan's didn't take into account This is all alleged here of the amount of seats that that was gonna take up in the arena you know and And they didn't realize that when they were making the deal. They were calculating a certain number of seats versus what they were playing the Jacksons,

and it all worked out. And then when they saw the behemoth of a fucking stage, they were like, oh my God. So they go to Michael, they're like, Michael, he was like, yes. They were like, can you make your stage a little smaller? We're going to lose our shirts here. And Michael Jackson was like, yes. They were like, can you make your stage a little smaller? We're going to lose our shirts here. And Michael Jackson was like, no, if I have it smaller,

Prince is going to outdo me. He had that rivalry with him going on. I don't know if that's fucking true. Somebody told me this story, and then I just repeated it. It's fact. I mean, this is what I do on the podcast. I'm just running my yap here. Did anybody watch, did you watch the Austrian Grand Prix? If that didn't make you a fucking Formula One racing fan, holy shit,

that was like fucking days of thunder. Actually tweeted that yesterday. Dude, it's like, okay, this is the deal, the German team, the Mercedes-Benz, right? They got Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton. All right, Nico Rosberg is a German right Lewis Hamilton is He's from England right and evidently from the Isle of Man from what people were texting tweeting me the other day so Nico is ahead. He's beaten everybody in the points in the standings and

Lewis is like the fucking upstart guy. I guess I don't know right he wears the big fucking diamond chain You know what I mean? He's from he's from England. I don't know what is his races. I don't know if he's mixed I don't know what his deal is and he's got the bling going on and all this shit. So all the old fucking Traditional fans of the sport Traditional wink wink. I like the old-school formula one wink wink, right? You know what that fucking means They don't like this guy evidently. They don't like his bling. They don't like his You know his whole life basic. I don't know I don't want to fucking throw the ugliness in there, but it seems like there's a little issue there, right? So anyways earlier this year, I guess in the Spanish Grand Prix. I didn't see that one. They both fucking they banged into each other

Nico was coming around the corner. He's pushing buttons on that PlayStation steering wheel, whatever the fuck that thing is. You just have a fucking steering wheel. Then it was a steering wheel with the paddles. Now it looks like a little Game Boy. And they're pushing shit to fucking conserve energy. And I don't know what the fuck it is, but they somehow do this going like 180 miles an hour, which is amazing to me.

120 miles an hour in a fucking turn. As if dealing with the G-forces of slowing down and taking a turn well over 100 miles an hour. They're sitting there on fucking pushing buttons. You know, like texting while driving, fucking doing this shit. So earlier in the year, they had one, you know, Hamilton tried to pass him on the inside,

and then Nico was defending his position or whatever the fuck he said. He came over, he put Lewis on the fucking grass, he spun out, he clipped the back of Nico's car, they slammed into each other and they both got the old right there, Fred, the DNC, right? Did not complete the race, which cost Mercedes a bunch of fucking points. So evidently they probably sat him down I was like hey fuck heads you're on the same team here what say you don't knock each other out of the race so whatever they got this whole rivalry going and it seems like Nico thinks he's the fucking guy and Lewis is just like well I don't you know

I respect that you're the guy but I'm trying to be the guy too, so go fuck yourself. So yesterday, they're fucking racing, and I don't know much about this sport, but evidently there's soft tires, and if the soft tires aren't soft enough, they got super soft tires. And I guess the softer your tires are, depending on the weather condition,

the faster your car goes. So whatever fucking reason, they give Nico the super soft ones and they give Lewis just the soft ones so they're fucking him over with each lap all right so Nico's obviously the golden child that the corporate guys like and Lewis is the fucking upstart right he's the Tom Cruise. Okay, the other guy's the fucking established cunt who's winning, right? I'm just guessing all of this shit. So, um, I don't know, something about the pit stop. Lewis was slower than Nico's. They gave all the fucking advantage to Nico, because Nico's winning in the points. I think that they want him to win the fucking race, because they want to win the championship, and Lewis wasn't fucking having it.

So he's driving like a fucking maniac on soft tires when Nico's got the super soft and XC, you know, he's right on his fucking ass. It's the last lap of the fucking race And Lewis goes to pass him on the outside of the turn taking the long way around He's on his fucking tires are on the white line. He can't get over any farther And he's gonna pass him you see he's gonna fucking tires are on the white line. He can't get over any farther. He's gonna pass him. You see he's gonna overtake him on the final lap. The fucking announcers are going nuts. And fucking Nico just drove right into him.

He said he had a braking problem. It's like, oh yeah, did you have a steering problem too? You fucking drove right into him. And it's like, oh my God, they're gonna knock each other out of the race again. And they get out of it and then they came back together and fucking, I think the back of Hamilton's car clipped the front of Rossburg's and took those little Finfin things off the front.

So now we can't drive fast. And when your car's damaged like that and you're blowing debris all over the track, I didn't realize this. Evidently you're supposed to pull over. It's supposed to hit the old rest area and just be like, well, I guess we're going to call it a day. Because all that shit that you're putting in the track can blow out somebody's tire, cause them to crash, they could get injured, and they're not

going to fucking finish. And it's not their fault that you're fucking drove into your teammate. But this cunt keeps driving his car shrapnel all over the track and he finished, he got penalized. Long story short was Lewis Hamilton ended up winning the fucking race and they were cutting to the whatever the owners of the Mercedes team and they're all

fucking pissed and one of the guys on the Mercedes teams is the guy that you know went for that movie Rush. I should really have the guy's name here I'm new to the sport so forgive me for not knowing his name. The guy who had that horrific crash on the Ferrari team in 1976 and he had the fire, they showed it in that movie Rush. It was absolutely terrifying. I mean what's more terrifying than being alive on fire? You know? I mean what would you rather be alive on fire or in the ocean watching a great white shark approaching? You know, knowing it's going to fucking take your leg off.

I mean, I actually think you got to go with the shark. Just fucking bite my leg off. There's a major artery right there. I'm going to fucking be like, and then the dopamine is going to come out and I'm going to have that goofy smile on my face as the hammerhead comes in to finish me off, right? So anyways, they would talk to me afterwards, Nico said that he had a breaking problem, I don't know.

I don't fucking know. So now there's all these conspiracy theorists out there going like, well, you know, it's the German team, Nico's a German, all right? Fucking Hamilton's You know from England And he doesn't look like your fucking English guy being made and he's not a white dude Maybe there's some racism going on there. I don't know, but I just became a Lewis Hamilton. I still like

Rossberg, you know, he's racing. He's out there, you know Can't fucking handle it. He's one of those, he seems like one of those guys, you ever go out and you play like pick up hoop or pick up hockey and there's just some fucking nice guy and all of a sudden the game starts and they get that fucking look on their face like they'll blow out a knee just to score a goal. You know those lunatics? You just sit in there going like, all right, I'm going to fucking steer clear slash

try to annoy the shit out of this person. I'm going to try to make sure this guy doesn't fall on my fucking leg. You know, I had a buddy of mine, right? Fucking nicest guy ever. He's a psychiatrist. He works with troubled inner city youth who just gone through all kinds of fucking horrific shit. He has the patience to sit there, you know, and work with these kids that are acting out

because of all this horrible stuff that's happened in their home life. And he sits there and he handles it and he loves it. You fucking get that guy out on the ice, he's a fucking lunatic. One time, me and the other guy, we'd fucking taken the puck away from him, and I heard his breathing change,

and he just fucking brought his stick up, and I'm telling you, this is why I wear the full bird cage, right? Dude, 45 degree angle across my whole face, it just bam, hit my fucking cage. And I looked at him, I was just like, dude, what the fuck? For whatever dumb reason, I was one of those people, you know, that comes out,

plays pick-up hockey, only wearing a visor. Those guys are lunatics, especially when, because there's always the person out there that can't skate, which is usually me, and you start doing that run in place, I'm going to fall forward, I'm going to fall back, I'm going to fall forward, and you got like this stick in your hand. That's coming up and taking somebody's teeth out so Oh my god, what a lunatic I literally would have needed like fucking plastic surgery. I

Was kidding. Oh fucking face like mine. You just write it out. Oh, there's his name right there. I got it right here I'm sorry Nikki I'm gonna say it wrong la UDA. I Don't know say Lada. I Swear to so he was, they talked to him and I'm looking at this guy, looking like the old racing guy, like one of his ears is like, you know, mostly burned off and shit. He's got the scars on the side of his face. I got to be honest with you, he looked pretty fucking badass. You know what I mean? And

another guy named, I swear swear to God Toto Wolf Toto like the band. I wonder if that's on the CDs All I want to do when I wake up in the morning is see All right, let's do a couple of reads here Well, Jesus, I was 32 fucking minutes. I just run in my yap. What do we got left here? We got two more left. Let's break it up, okay? Let's give you a break from my reading out loud or my attempt at reading out loud.

We'll go back to the fucking podcast here. Where did I go? Where did I go? Where the fuck is the other shit? Ba-ba-da, dee-dee-dee-dee. All right, so should we get into the reads here for this week? Why don't we?

All right, Governor Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson, sorry. Governor Gary Johnson. Hey Billy Shatner. Billy fucking Shatner. I'm not a libertarian. I never said you were. I'd never been affiliated with any party.

I voted both parties in four elections I voted in. I've been eligible for six. You sound like a blogger when you're going to criticize a comedian going like, I have a great sense of humor. You know, I find this funny. I love this and blah, blah, blah. But when I saw last night in a comedy club alright, so this guy's established himself That he's open-minded all right

Because he says so I'm not into the fringe candidates, and I don't buy into conspiracies I guess what I'm saying is I'm not the typical Gary Johnson fan Now what cuz you say so I guess what I'm saying is, well why don't you figure out what the fuck you're saying so you don't have to write extra words in a sentence giving me more opportunity to trip myself up, please. All right, however, I am a fan of his and I think he could actually win if he got on the on the debates. He's basically Bernie, who I supported for the most part. They, but I'm not a libertarian. Well he

was a Democrat right? Well he was and then he became a libertarian then became a Democrat. Does that not work? I don't know. I love Bernie Sanders. Love them. They align on 80% of the issues. His running mate is former Massachusetts Governor Bill Weld. Bill Weld still in the game. Like fucking Gordy Howe. Rest in peace. Wondering what your thoughts on Gary Johnson and also Bill Weld having lived in the state when he was in office. Below is a short campaign video of the two of them. Well, what the fuck? I don't know. I thought you were going to tell me about him. I guess I was supposed to watch this before.

Dude, you just gave me homework. Alright, let's put this fucking thing in here. And we're going to try and watch it. Oh shit. I'm running for president. I'm running for president. I'm running for president. I'm running for president. I'm running with him. Jazzy music. As the governor of New Mexico, I vetoed wasteful spending 750 times, cut taxes 14 times and left the state. Why is he so breathy?

Bridges, schools, hospitals, and a billion dollar surplus without raising taxes a As governor of Massachusetts, how would I know that? You just said that you did it. Now, how do I I can't fact check all of that. I don't know. I mean, it's exciting. We're going to move the country forward. Music, but a boop, a deep, a dodo to. Hi. Hi, I'm Jerry Johnson.

I'm sure he's a great guy. I'll look into it. I mean, I like that you're giving me other options because there's no fucking way I can vote for Trump or for Hillary, you know? Oh, we all know the old bag's gonna win it. She's gonna show up with lipstick on her teeth and that fucking maniacal wide-eyed fucking smile she does. Oh, she's gonna carve this country up even more. They are fucking evil.

I swear to God, if Trump wasn't such a fucking dope, if he wasn't such a dope, I actually think he would be the lesser of two evils. But I have to be honest with you, there's no way to listen to Donald Trump and not think about Martin Sheen in the dead zone Can somebody please Photoshop Trump holding up the baby, you know when fucking what's his face? Oh What's his face? Um Oh, jesus christ when wakens up in the balcony there or the that fucking uh, the birds are away gentlemen um, I have no idea sir, I I commend you for uh Being smart enough to not vote for trump or for hillary. It's a uh, It's a really low point

And I wasn't a big obama fan, but at least Obama, at least, you know, the guy could speak intelligently. You know, after fucking eight years of George Bush, and that guy was, that guy was like the presidential version of me reading out loud. All right? I just, oh god. There has to be so many other fucking women out there that would make such great, honest presidents. Do we really have to, why does it have to be the one with 52 pending felony counts? All those Clintons are filthy.

Oh, Hillary Clinton, she's dirtier than her husband's dick. Alright, here we go. Facial hair and lil' ladies! Uh, dear Big Billy. Yeah, fat Billy. I'm a 17 year old guy who will be starting college in the fall in the great state of Massachusetts. Um, Jesus, starting at 7- you must be turning 18 later on in the year.

I'm always jealous of that. I started college when I was 19. I was already 19. Then I fucked up my first four years and I was like a 23 year old sophomore. My high school's dress code allows guys to grow facial hair in the last semester of senior year. What? What fucking school are you going to? So a few months ago I said, what the hell, I'll give it a try. But you're only 17. The last semester of your senior year, you're giving yourself a hell of a lot of time to grow this shit. Said, I end up growing up a nice, dark, full beard that seems to suit me well. I got a lot of compliments for it, mostly from other guys but some from the ladies.

I remain single as I have always been during this time. I still have the beard now but I don't know whether I should keep the beard or ditch it and arrive at college clean shaven. Do you think it's a good or bad idea to make my first impression while sporting a beard? In terms of the ladies, is the beard a sign of manliness and strength or more of a turn off? I don't fucking know. I got to ask Nia.

Hang on a second. Jesus Christ. How the fuck would I know? You know, I always thought Dan Fouts was sexy. Hang on. All right, you happy? She was sleeping. I just, I didn't know she was sleeping.

I was fucking like, there you go, there you go. All right, well, there you go. So you fucked the whole thing up. You cleaned up and then I woke her up. Anyway, I do it, I don't fucking know. But you're saying that you're not allowed to have facial hairs at this fucking school you go. Was that like a typo or something?

My high schools, not college. My high school's dress code allows guys to grow facial hair in the last semester of senior year. Oh, okay. I thought it was saying college. Well, look, dude, when I was a kid the only reason to grow a beard was so you could buy booze or get served when you were still underage. You know, whether women like it or not, I have no fucking idea. Um, I don't know. Go there fucking clean shaven and then, you know, get a little scruff going or some shit. I don't know.

This is like a Cosmo question. I have no fucking, do they, is it a sign of manliness? I have no idea. I mean, if you grow it too quickly, it might be a sign of a hairy back and that might take you out of the game. Some women might be like, oh, my dad had a beard and subconsciously that gets into them, you know. Oh, yeah, that reminds me of feeling safe with my dad and next thing you know they're blowing you. Then they're like like what the fuck did Just what happened, right? I

Don't know Let's move on to the next question that was a hard one. I had no fucking idea. All right cheating bitch girlfriend Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Hey you red-faced fuck I you red-faced fuck. I don't know why I find that shit so endearing. I told you what the fuck's wrong with me. All right, about a month ago I started dating this lady. She seemed really quiet and pretty innocent. After about a week I realized, I just pictured that woman in that Vince Vaughn movie, the Wedding Crashers. Whoever that actress was was fucking hilarious in that movie. Anyways, after about a week, I realized that her last boyfriend was a total freak.

Like jean shorts and shit. Fuck, what do you mean freak? Like a weirdo? Or was fucking, you know, having threesomes with this chick? Anyways, like jean shorts and shit. Fuck. So I did my best to just ignore that and have fun together. I was, in my opinion, a great boyfriend to her. I took her on a lot of dates and it seemed like everything was perfect and this was my first girlfriend. I'm only 16 and pretty introverted. So having a girlfriend was a big step for me.

Yeah, that's huge. Good for you, man. Anyways, after a few weeks, she started acting weird. One day at lunch, she told me that her old weird boyfriend and her had sex before school that day. And they also had sex a couple other times while we were going out. I didn't know what to say and it really fucked me up.

She even said it wasn't her fault and I shouldn't be mad. Oh, you know what? I was actually going to give this girl props for being mature enough to own up to what the fuck she did. And then she said that. Don't be mad at me! After a fight, I told her to fuck. I told her to fuck and left. I think fuck off is what you meant. She's already fucking dude. You don't need to tell her. You should have told her to less fuck. To ex-nay on the fuck-ay. She then started saying that it was my fault. I don't know what I did wrong.

Oh, you poor bastard. You're only 16 years old, right? So you didn't have your deflector shields up. Is that what it is? Did you say you were 16, right? What the fuck was that? I'm only 16, okay. So now everyone knows it's school because high school is bullshit. I'm now known by everyone, including my family,

as the guy who got cheated on this bitch Not only made me feel like shit, but also kind of ruined the whole aspect of finding a nice girl I don't trust them and feel as if I will never move on yeah These are the catastrophic thoughts you have when you're 16 Because your world is small you still live in at home with your parents you go to school You see the same fucking cunts every day, and you feel like the walls are closing in all of these feelings a hundred percent normal How do you how do you move on after being fucked over like that? The only things I've done is got a job and started lifting weights

Maybe then when school starts again. I can show up shredded and do better next year there you go I Like it turn a negative into a positive Here's the thing you're a nice guy, right? You're a nice guy. Well, you know, so that means there's the nice woman Out there that balances you out, right? If you're a dick, there's plenty of cunts out there, but you're a nice guy so what I would do is I Would thank my lucky stars that that fucking woman is out of your life

You know, she's totally fucked up right, she's gonna go back to the Jean short guy and they're gonna fuck before school and they're gonna do all of this other shit and who gives a fuck I don't understand how like I don't know how there's no reason for you just me listening to this why you should feel bad about yourself I get you know I got cheated on you know it's happened to everybody and it makes you just more feel stupid is what it is You know what I mean? So I'm trying to count the amount of times that's happening to me The first girl I was with was like fucking way older than me. I went from like 0 to 90 miles an hour and fucking

Yeah, she ended up cheating on me and breaking up a fucking marriage and How did I oh I remember I didn't even know I ended up running into the wife of the guy that she cheated with and then they were broken up and she told me and I that she cheated with and then they were broken up and she told me and I just might remember I thought which I just went like huh you know and there was a lot in that because it just let me know that you know I just thought guys did shit like that. I thought we were just the fucking animals. And it was just like, wow.

So she was doing that, and then come home and smile. Yeah, and that fucked me up for a long fucking time. Yeah, you know what? And I didn't trust women. And I started lifting weights. Did I write this thing 20 years ago? What the fuck? No.

Yeah, dude, this is the deal. It's going to take time to get over it, but know, you're gonna meet somebody nice and I think yeah You're the prime of your life. You throw the weights around a little bit. You show up fucking shredded, right? And then you show yeah show up in September and just start chatting up the women and this is the thing too women love a fucking They love a project You know so you can use the fact that this woman cheated on you, that, oh, you know, I have problems trusting fucking women and now they'll just, they'll be coming at you.

You beat them off with a fucking stick, all right? Yeah, dude, fuck that. This is the thing, you don't ever let it, anytime anything bad happens in life, you don't let it, there's two things you can do. You can either just fucking, I don't know, I, I view like those types of thoughts like, you know, when you watch like Bugs Bunny and they would have like that weight that just said one ton on it, I view like that, that's what that thought is. All right. And you're standing next to a fucking pool.

All right. And the thing's got a chain around it and you either just fucking let it go to the bottom of the pool itself Or you stick your head in the chain and wrap it around your neck and you let it take you down and then you just down There in the bottom of the pool You know Why would you do that fuck it? Fuck fucker just let that whole thing, I'm not saying don't deal with it, but you gotta turn it into a positive,

which is what you seem to be doing. Fucking work out and chat up a bunch of women. This is, think, maybe, you know, start your list of fucking requirements. You test, you lock the door test, to maybe, to try to get a good one. You know, women always say, find a good, a good, finding a good man's hard to find. So's a good woman. So what this woman did is help you start early on a checklist because I didn't start a checklist for a long fucking time.

You know, I was well into my 30s and I was still just like, hey you want to fuck? Every, all, everything on, you do, everything on my list is checked off. All right, here we go. All time underrated quarterbacks. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Shake it off. It's fucking your fault.

That poor woman, she's got a lot of issues and I bet she has a terrible father. So in a way, you can look at it like that because, you know, she is young and immature, but if she continues to live her life that way, that is a bad fucking road to go on. You know? That's fucking white Simphondales of the red wine, gray teeth with the fucking tramp stamp. She's going to go down that one. Ugh. And the piece of shit guy she's gonna meet. Jean Schwartz will be

the least of her problems. I hope that doesn't happen to her either, but anyways here we go. All-time underrated QBs. Dear Billy White Shoes, very nice reference. Billy White Shoes Johnson of the Houston Oilers and the Atlanta Falcons. Alright, my friends tear me apart for being a huge Vinnie Testaverde fan. I truly love the man and feel he flies under the radar as an all-time quarterback. Maybe not Hall of Fame caliber but someone who could have won a Super Bowl if he didn't have to face Elway, Terrell Davis in the 1998 Denver Bronco machine.

Well, you realize what you're saying? He could have been a championship if he didn't have to play the best team in the league. Well, I mean, yeah, well shit. San Diego Padres could be a fucking dynasty if it wasn't for all the other, the fucking 1998 Yankees, you know, or the late nineties Yankees, right? I don't know. Anyways, You know, or the late 90s Yankees, right? I don't know. Anyways, he played 22 seasons and in his final season with the Carolina Panthers, he won his first game after only being on the team for three fucking days at the age of 43. He was definitely a badass. Nobody could be in that backyard playing horseshoes with their son and then out of football and two days later be under under center and fucking win in a game like

He did that like I think three times in his career. He was sort of like a maybe it just happened once I don't know But I just feel like he was officially retired at least once if not twice And he was in the backyard eating a fucking burger having a Coors Light and all of a sudden Hey, Bernie This is the fucking whatever Seattle Seahawks calling or Tampa, but where did he play? Tampa, the Jets, Carolina. That's a great one. Cleveland, didn't he play with Cleveland or was that Bernie Coza? I get confused. My

older age. Let's look up old Vinny Testaverde. Vinny! Vinny, have the fucking veal. All right, you guys want to hear a great fucking LA story? I went out to an Italian restaurant the other day, and we're sitting up front near the bar. It was too loud. And one of the guys I was eating with goes, this is too fucking loud. Let's try to get a table in the back.

So they end up hooking us up with a table in the back. And as I'm going to walk to the back, one of the guys there up the bar, he goes, yeah, go in the back and as I'm going to walk you know to the back one of the guys there up the bar he goes yeah go in the back you know you can barely hear yourself thinking just the way he said it I can't remember what he said he said something along those lines super Italian guy and the way he said it and the fact that I was moving as I went past him I felt like I was in that tracking scene in Goodfellas when they were showing all those characters, you know, get the papers, get the papers. Hey guy, a guy took care of that thing, right? Literally, it gave me like a shock the

way he said it. So I said to one of the guys I was having dinner with, I said, hey Michael, Jesus Christ, that guy just made me feel like I was in Goodfellas. Classic LA story. And why, it's so amazing to live out here. He goes, do you know who that is? And I said, no. He goes, that's the guy who played Johnny Roast Beef. And then I fucking looked at him again. I was like, oh my God. It's Johnny Roast Beef.

One of the greatest pieces of fucking acting I've ever seen is when he's trying to explain away that pink Cadillac and he starts to stop and then he starts to talk and then he stops and actually I talked to him about it for a second and he just laughed. He basically said, when a man as scary as Jimmy the Gent is yelling at you, he goes, you don't say a fucking word. Remember that?

No, it's in my grandmother's name. What's the matter with me? What's the matter with me? You're gonna get us all fucking pinched, that's name. What's the matter with me? What's the matter with me? You're gonna get us all fucking pinched, that's why. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? Take it back, take it back, get it the fuck, that look on his fucking face. And he goes, he just keeps going, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What did I tell you? What did I, fuck, what did I tell you? What did I fuck? What did I tell? I fucking love that scene. So anyways, Vinny Testaverde. Here we go. Vinny fucking Testaverde over here. Here we go. Vinny Testaverde. Let's see. Here's him with the Panthers. He's 52 years old. I swear to God I bet he's still in shape and if you fucking If you you know if you called him up right now, if you called him up right now He could give you a decent outing. What the fuck? 87 to 92 we played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

93 to 95 he played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 93 to 95, he played for the Cleveland Browns. 96, 97, the Baltimore Ravens. 98 to 2003, the New York Jets, which is how I remember him as a jet. 2004, the Dallas Cowboys. 2005, he goes back to the Jets. 2006, he played for my Patriots. I don't even remember that. 2007 2006 he played for my Patriots. I don't even remember that. 2007 he played for the Panthers.

20 year fucking career. 21 seasons. Wow. Two-time Pro Bowler, 96-98. Heisman Trophy, 86. Davey O'Brien, Sammy Baugh, Trophy Sportsman of the Year, 86. Well let's see. TDs vs Interceptions. This is what fucked them over though. 275 touchdowns, 267 interceptions. Wasn't somebody rap like that? Incomplete like Testa Verde? But he didn't say intercepted but he threw for 46,233 yards back in the day you know for the most part when

you actually they could cover receivers before Jim Earthsay changed all the fucking rules because he couldn't beat the Patriots but that's okay I know the ball was under inflated let's kick him out of football passing rating passing passer rating 75.0 all Alright, well yeah, okay. Those are great fuck, you know, you play 20 seasons. But he did throw a lot of picks. So anyways, where he's the oldest quarterback to ever start and win a pro football game. Older than George Blanda? What if I thought George Blanda, maybe he was just kicking at that point.

Everybody always reverts back to the days, his days in Tampa and Cleveland. But I'd argue that those Tampa years were some of the worst pro squads ever to trot on a football, onto a football field. Yeah, absolutely. You can't blame somebody for that. You know, it's like Joey Harrington. He goes and he fucking plays for the Lions. You know? Right out of the gate. There's no way as bad

He was as bad as he looked those lion teams were fucking horrible I'm not saying that the guy would have played in the league or whatever But you know for the longest time if you got drafted By the Lions or the Browns as as a quarterback. That was a fucking death sentence Which is another brilliant move that John Elway made, because when he got drafted by the Baltimore Colts, he's like, I'm not fucking going there, getting the shit kicked out of me,

and I'll be out of football. I mean, that almost happened to Troy Aikman. Troy Aikman, when he got drafted by the fucking Cowboys, so got the living shit kicked out of him his first few years. If that continued, I mean, that that guy he would have been out of football But fortunately the Herschel Walker trade went down with Jimmy Johnson about damn Cowboys, right? They got that fucking

All those 300 pounders in front of him. I Don't know anyways, let's plow ahead here He said as a Patriots fan, I'd like your thoughts on him. Are my friends right saying he was just an average quarterback at best? No fucking way. No way. No way. He was he was well You don't play for 20 fucking years. Okay, he was He was above way above average, I think. I think he was a he's not a I wouldn't say he's one of the greats,

but he was definitely a, he was a really good quarterback. You know, he wasn't like, what is he, if he was an average QB at best, you don't play for 20 years being average. Unless you're Steve Deberg and and just somehow you just look so great with a headset and a clipboard, people just wanted you around. He was like the David Hasselhoff of fucking quarterbacks.

I think you sold more tickets because he never had his helmet on. The ladies could come down and look at him. Look up Steve DeBerg here. Steve DeBerg. All right. Oh, yeah. The David Hasselhoff.

He looked like whenever they had those coming of age movies, and you got the nerd who wants to date the fucking cheerleader, but she's dating the guy who's just a complete fucking dick. He had those level good looks.. Dude I'm telling you right now look this guy up that's fucking hilarious he looks like he's on Baywatch. Played number 17. Now we got about this is this you know what this is actually morphed into the great NFL's greatest journeyman. I'm gonna look this up.

Greatest. Oh god I love the internet. I love that somebody's made a page about this shit. Best NFL journeyman. The seven most unkillable journeyman quarterbacks. I love the internet. Because of shit like this and all the fucking free porn. Alright, here we go. Ummm... There's a good chance that at one time or another your team's hopes were riding on Ryan Fitzpatrick, Brian Hoyer, or one of the NFL's other well-traveled signal callers. Oh, don't be all just new guys, come on.

Alright, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Ryan Fitzpatrick, he played for the Texans, the Titans, the Rams, the Bengals, the Jets, and the Bills. All right, Josh McCown. Brian Hoyer, no, Matt Castle. Matt Castle. Matt Flynn, the perennial backups. Oh, come on on man. Tim Tebow, oh now this was done by some youngster. You got to have Steve DeBurge in there, you got to have Vinnie Testaverde. Journeyman, NFL players who just won't go away. Do I have to type in all time? Is that what I have to do? I think I got to type in all time? Is that what I have to do?

I think I got to type in all time. Come on man. If Steve DeBurke is not on your fucking list. He's not on your fucking list. Journeyman quarterback. Alright, we'll just go Wikipedia. Oh, this is depressing. I thought it was going to be great. JT O'Sullivan. Play played for 12 professional teams during his career. You know what? I bet in his man cave, the NFL should give him all 12 of those helmets. All 12 of those fucking helmets. Why am I all wrapped up in the fucking court here?

What's going on? All right, here we go. This is what happens when you fucking lay down on a couch. And his why is JTO Sullivan, he played on no less than 11 NFL teams. Oh, professionals, okay. And then he also played for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders in the Frankfurt Galaxy. Chris Chandler holds the record for starting a game for the highest number of different NFL teams with eight. Oh, so he started, okay.

There's no accepted definition or threshold at which a person is regarded as a journeyman quarterback. The term is descriptive rather than definitive. David Craig enjoyed 11 stable careers with the Seahawks before leaving let's see Mark Ripion notable examples here we go here we go Trent Dilfer, Brad Johnson, Rich Gannon where the fuck is Steve Deberg notable journeyman quarterbacks notable journeyman quarterbacks. Come on. Come on. All right, you know, I'm just gonna look up Steve DeBerg.

I'm sorry guys, this whole podcast just, you're just listening to me surf the fucking internet now. Do people still say surf the internet? Or is that from the 90s? I'm old. All right, he's 62 years old. He played for the San Francisco 49ers from 1977 to 1980 the Broncos from 81 to 83 The Buccaneers from 84 to 87 the Chiefs from 88 to 91 back to the Buccaneers 92 93 the Miami Dolphins 1993 He was out of fucking football in 1993. He was out of fucking football in 94. He was out of football in 95. Out of football 96. Out of football 97. And then what the fuck? 1998. He's back with the Dirty Birds, the Atlanta Falcons, who upset the 15-1 Minnesota Vikings, right?

And then went to the fucking Super Bowl, one of the most forgettable Super Bowls of all fucking time, when the Denver Broncos repeated. That was the last fucking game of John Elway's career. All right. TDs to interceptions. He had 196 touchdowns versus 204 interceptions. He threw for 34,241 yards and has a higher QB rating than Vinny Testaverde at 74.2, right? Or is he 75?

I don't fucking remember. Steven Leroy Deberg. There you go. That's my vote. You know what's funny? I bet he doesn't have a lot of problems walking or anything like that because he's got so... He has low miles on that odometer as far as like actually playing in the... I'm not trying to

insult the guy here. I'm just saying. Like, if he was a car, you know, be like, those are all original miles? Yeah. Yeah, he sat in a garage with a fucking clipboard for all those years. Alright, that's the podcast for this, uh, this 4th of July. I hope you guys all have a happy and a safe one. Alright? You fucking drunks. I know it's fireworks and it's supposed to be fun, but you know, they are explosives. Don't be that person in one of those YouTube fucking videos of like top ten stupidest fucking moves done with fireworks.

Did you see that fucking guy? He actually took like a mortar or some shit, put it on his head. I don't know if he thought it was going to take off. He literally blew himself up. His friends go, you don't understand. There was nothing left of him. There was nothing left to help.

You know? They just showed up and there was like a belt buckle and like a shoelace. He was gone. So please don't do that to yourselves. Alright? Alright, Cleo? Um, alright, that's the podcast. You guys have a great week. I will check in with you. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday So I'm gonna be a good boy I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go

I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go

I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go I ain't gonna let you go Thanks for watching!