Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-19

Episode Date: July 6, 2019

Bill rambles about American Wars, root beer floats, and the NBA Summer.

warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas, along with all NS Noveltees.

Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon

just before Friday, Monday morning, podcasting. Ah-ha-ha-ha. I'm checking in on you. Checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. Checking in on you. How are you? It's a day late, but you know, it was the holiday yesterday.

Happy birthday to America. I gotta make sure I'm not gonna be too loud. My lovely daughter is sleeping in the other room. How was your 4th of July? How was your... Hey, hey, hey, Britain. Hey, England, in your fucking face. Huh?

Did you get from trying to tax our fucking tea? Dude, can you imagine if fucking England was still here, right? And they tried to tax the fucking coffee at Dunkin' Donuts? Be a fucking riot, dude. Hey, can you imagine if Amazon took a fucking picture of your face

and just fucking sold it to a robot company? No one would give a fuck, dude. Dude, as long as that fucking beanbag chair gets here within fucking three days, you know, I'm fucking happy. Dude, I would love a fucking robot replacement in myself.

You wanna do my fucking job? Hey, knock yourself out, kid. Good luck to you there, fucking metal me. I don't give a fuck. I'll sit here and drink my fucking coffee. That is not taxed by the English. Thank you very much. It's all the fucking heroes out there.

You know, all the ones who died in the fucking Revolutionary War. All the ones who died in the war of 1812 fucking French and Indian War. The Civil War, which was kind of fucking stupid. It was Americans killing Americans,

you know, like when Starbucks opened too many fucking locations, right? Like what Dunkin Donuts is doing. Like they didn't learn anything from fucking Krispy Kreme. Gonna have a fucking location. More fucking locations than famous raised fucking pizza.

Spanish American War. Fucking... World War I. World War II. It's even better than World War I, just like the Godfather Part II, as far as I'm concerned. Fucking the Korean War.

Conflict. Minus five on the fucking test. Fucking bitch. Made me go to summer school on that one. Fucking Vietnam War. Grenada. Panama Canal. What do they call all these Middle Eastern wars?

The fucking Freedom Fries. Part I. Fucking who wants cupcakes? Part II. Liberation. I went to the Paul Verzi legendary. Exclusive.

They get a seat at fucking Rao's. All right? With their meatballs and their wise guys. All right, that's up there. Okay, there's something a little further north that's even more difficult to get a seat at. I'm not talking Frank Pepe's. I'm talking...

Pulling up a seat in the backyard of Paul Verzi's house with this incredible cigar lounge. Incredible. One of the greatest cigar lounges I've ever been to. And you watch that man light up the night with fireworks. Allegedly.

Might have been his neighbor. I wasn't paying attention. Yeah, I went up to Verzi's. Brought the whole family up there. So my kiddo got to meet his kiddos. And it was pretty fucking awesome. Bobby Kelly was there. I'm not gonna name all the names. There was a bunch of people there with their kids and shit.

It was fucking great. And Paul's fucking wife crushed it with the food. Paul killed it on the grill. What else? And then he lit off all these fucking fireworks. It was a commercial level fireworks show.

Okay, I'm not talking, you know, some fucking sparklers and that shit. There should have been like a symphony sitting in his yard when he was shooting this shit off. And he actually had to dial it back because the last time he did it, the cop showed up. And if you look at Paul, he's very ethnic looking.

Trump is in office. You know, it was very, you know, we thought he was going to get deported. No, he had such a fucking great time. I ate like an absolute pig. And now I'm just going to have to be a good boy for the rest of the rest of the fucking weekend. But I got my licks in.

Put it that way. Burgers, dogs. His wife makes this incredible sausage and pepper sandwich later. There's like three levels to the party, right? There's the kid party in the beginning and then the kids go home

and then part two starts, right? And then everybody crashes around midnight and then it's just, yeah, the return of the Jedi goes from like 12 to fucking, I don't know, like 5 in the morning. I'm considering I'm not

boozing anymore. That was a hard one. That was a hard day not to drink the 4th of July. You know, and they're playing all the patriotic music. You know? They were paid a bottle of boo. They come to America. That fucking song came on.

That's a really weird song to listen to now with the whole build the wall thing. You know? On the boats and on the planes. They come to America. Today. How heavy handed is that fucking song? My country

tith of thee today. Jesus Christ. Take it down a few. Exactly who the fuck were they singing about? I wonder who Neil was singing about. I think everybody who listens to this song is thinking about somebody else.

I think white people, white people. They probably think about white Europeans. You know, I think Neil Diamond ought to change the fucking lyrics of that song. And maybe so many Mexicans, you know, immigrants wouldn't be so goddamn confused. You know? Because they probably listen to that song

and they probably see this guy in his sparkly suit. Shirt or whatever. And he's standing up there. He's got a scarf blown in the wind. Hair plugs hanging on for fucking dear life. You know? It's hard enough to staple him into that giant fucking head and then you got all that shoe polish in there too.

Because there's a lot of drag. The little I know about aviation, you know, it's all about weight and bounce. And he's standing up there, you know? Never looking back again. Welcome to America today. Right?

Home. Don't it seem far away? Oh my god, it's one of the schlockiest fucking tunes ever. I would put that up there with that one. That one that that country guy came out with right after 9-11. Uncle Sam, you're gonna stick a boot in your ass.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. They must have been laughing when they wrote that song going, do you realize how much fucking money we're gonna make off of people that have no money to buy a fucking cassette tape? Anyway. Isn't it weird that there's fucking countries? But what do you want? Fucking mushrooms?

I don't know. I smoked two and a half cigars yesterday. You know, once again, somebody showed up with a bag of fucking Cuban cigars and I smoked them and none of them tasted. It wasn't rolled well. It didn't taste real. And I just looked at Bobby and he goes,

this is one of my favorite cigars, dude. And, you know, there was a cannon, of course, and it was fucking delicious. I'm done with fucking Cuban cigars, unless I'm in Cuba. Okay? Or I'm playing the fucking Miami improv

and somebody swims ashore and I go, are you Dominican? And he's like, no, man, I'm fucking Cuban, right? I can't do the Cuban accent. It's a bad scar face, right? That guy's got cigars. Well, where would he keep them? All right, fuck that.

Unless I'm in Cuba, I'm not fucking smoking. I'm done with those things. They're over fucking priced. They're wrapped too tight. They don't fucking smoke. 90% of them are fake. Fuck that. I'm sticking with my La Aurora Emeralds. I like the blue boys too that they make, you know?

I forget which one those are called. What would that be called? The Azirs? Huh? The Blue Eith. So anyways, everybody was, you know, having a good time. They were drinking and whatever. Joey B. was there.

The whole fucking, you know, the whole crew was there and, you know, I got a couple of looks, people going, hey, Bill, you know, if you wanted to take one day off, if you wanted to take one day off from your fucking booze fast, you know, on the birthday of your country,

we'll look the other way. I'll tell you, I thought about it, right? If they said that and there was a bunch of cold Miller High Life, you know, one of the easiest drinks, one of the easiest beers to drink. It's got a drinkability.

Remember that? A drinkability. But I didn't. I stayed away because I was just like, well, Bill, what has happened every other time you've come off from not boozing? You then go the other way. And you start drinking like

you're fucking working for the city. So, I decided to abstain. I didn't do it and I'm happy that I did. I said, you know, when I got into my 50s, I was going to go sting. I was going to fucking clean up my act,

and I was going to do a bunch of yoga. And I've sort of cleaned up my act, and I try to stretch every day, but I haven't been doing the yoga. You know, Brian Kest, that's the one I do, the Brian Kest Power Yoga, if you want to check it out on YouTube.

He's got a class out in Santa Monica. I used to go to it back in the 90s. I haven't been to it for fucking ever. And I remember a long time ago, I still have it. I bought a book that he had that had two CDs. And that thing was like like 90 minutes long, and that one was the shit.

And I actually downloaded it one time off a fucking iTunes, or maybe back in the day when I had the disk drive on the side, when your laptop weighed like 9,000 pounds, I uploaded it and I would take it on the road and it was fucking great. But it no longer exists as far as I can tell.

So, I don't know, we had a great time. So right before they fucking shot off the fireworks, somebody started singing the National Anthem, and everybody was just like, oh, Jesus, and then a couple more people joined in, and then we just started singing it. It felt like Game 7 again, right?

I started getting the hope again, like the Bruins were going to win or something, and then it ended, and because I'm such a contrarian cunt, well, they weren't ready with the fireworks, so I started singing the Canadian National Anthem. There's always two lines that I forget, but nobody noticed. It's

O Canada, our home and native land, True patriot love and all our sergeant men. This part we have Da-ba-dee-ba-ja-da-ba-doo-ba-doo, Da-da-dee-da-da-da-doo, Then I'm back in from far and wide, O Canada, we have our God for thee, Grace line ever,

God keep the land, Glorious and free. Right, and by the time I got to there, Joe Bartnick joined in, couple other hockey fans, and then everybody was just laughing. O Canada, we stand our God

for thee. Fucking Porch goes nuts and then Verzi, like a fucking, I don't know, like his comedic timing, right on point. Just started shooting him up in the air. You know?

There was apocalypse now with hot dogs. That's all I can tell you. That's all I can tell you, and I don't know, spending this much time back east, and then going up to where they live,

out in the fucking sticks, and that's kind of the way I grew up. I missed the quiet, and I was riding up there, my lovely wife, my beautiful kid, and I was just talking, and I was like,

I can live up here, whatever, and she gets fucking nervous when she leaves the city. You know? Because she's black. How fucked up is that? This is allegedly her country, too, when she gets out there, and she just, it just becomes uncomfortable.

But she had an epiphany on this one. She realized that there's sort of, you know, there's the city, and then there's the suburbs, and then there's the country. So she warmed up to it a little bit, but you know, you know how it is.

There's just always, you know, when you get out there, there's always that, you know, circle of white guys talking at a party, and then eventually, if the wrong topic gets brought up, it's like, Jesus, what year is it? You know? It just fucking happens. So I get it, but I will tell you,

I miss trees, I miss quiet, because I have a nice house, and I got a nice fucking, you know, after I dump a zillion dollars into it, I got a nice house now. I got my money back. Well, that's it. I've resigned myself to it. I'll give a fuck, right? What am I going to do? Take it when I'm dead? I sit on my back porch, and I have

like moments of quiet before a police helicopter flies over at 300 feet. You know, you can always hear like the hum of the city, but there's something about being out there, and I've kind of fucked up on my sleep for the last 20 years. I don't know what happened.

Like, I got really busy, obviously, and I, when I was living with Bobby Kelly, I used, there was a, I had this summer where I was taking naps, and we were living together, and I'd get right around one or two in the afternoon, and I was like, all right, dude, I'm going to lay down for a minute. And I remember the first couple of times,

Bobby was like, what do you mean you can lay down? I was like, I'm just going to fucking lay down and shut my eyes for a second. So I was, I had like the walkthrough bedroom, and he slept on the couch in the living room. He had a railroad apartment, right? So I would go to sleep, and then he would go to sleep. All right? And then I did it like two or three days in a row, and by the third day,

Verzi, uh, Verzi, fucking Bobby was going like, he's like, dude, you always call the nap, dude. You just always know when to do it, dude, right? And I did that for, I, I felt like for a summer, and I was really rested, and I felt great, and then for some reason, I don't know what,

I got real busy and I stopped doing it, but this summer, I've come back to it, and I got to tell you, as a fucking old man, it's a game, the nap in the afternoon is a fucking game changer. There's something about it where you don't want to do it because you don't want to admit that you're fucking old,

but I'm telling you, okay? Mexico's got it right, if they really do do the siestas. I don't know if that's fucking true or not, I've never been down there. I don't know if that's some fucking Warner Brothers cartoon shit, if they really fucking do it, but I'm telling you,

I don't fucking do it. I just did it right now, we just came back from Berseys, you know, my daughter takes a nap in the afternoon, you know, put it to bed, we had this whole fucking ritual, now we put it to bed, like me and Nia, we have to do it together,

we got to sing the Barney the dinosaur, I love you, you love me, right, we got to sing it two times, and there's got to be a dramatic pause after the first one, and then she smiles and looks at both of us, and we got to be like, one more time, and then she laughs, and then we sing it again, and then we both have to put her in the bed,

if just one of us does that messes with, she's like a fucking, like, like Wade Boggs with the chicken and doing the whatever, he would do the Jewish star or something before he would go into the batter's box, you know, she's like that with the nap, everything's got to be fucking right, or she's not on her game,

so we put her down, right, and then we went in the bedroom and that was it, and I just slept for like fucking, I don't know, an hour and a half, two hours, that's longer than I usually, I usually just go like 20 minutes, and I'm good, when like an hour and a half, and I feel fucking great, I'm back into that shit,

all right, oh, Billy dialing it back, oh, Billy's slowing it down, that's who I want to fucking be, right, anyway, you know what's funny, I said I'm fucking going to be eating well and all that shit, I got some root beer in the fridge, and I've been putting off having a root beer float,

I'm going to fucking make one today, all right, go fuck yourselves, the diet starts tomorrow, all right, what are we doing here, how much fucking time, I can never tell with this, this new fangled operation here, 17 minutes, you know what, that's about time, it's about time to do some fucking, oh, before I get into the reeds for this week,

let's get back to the big gay summer of the NBA offseason, okay, no offense, bitches, I always feel like gay people call each other bitches in the movie, I don't know if they do it in real life, I don't think they do, right, although that new share thing opened up, like let's do this,

bitches, that is a pet peeve of mine, people who refer to other adults as bitches, and they think that they have like this attitude and this fucking sass, it's just, it's usually the most boring people, you know, trying to force a big personality on you,

but why do you have to be such a cunt, why do you have to just take away everybody's fun, I don't know, it's how I'm wired, anyways, so the big gay NBA summer continues, okay, Jesus Christ, oh my god, did you guys hear,

well, as of last week, Kevin Durant was gonna take him and his game and all of his shoes to New York City to the New York Knicks, but then at the last second, he had a sasperilla with fucking

Kyrie Irving, and they just bought a two bedroom out in Brooklyn and they're playing for the Nets, honey, so I hope you bitches didn't buy a fucking Knicks jersey, um, this fucking NBA,

the NBA offseason with the fucking free agents all talking to each other and all piling on and having a big basketball gang bang on the same fucking team is the silliest, most uncompetitive fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.

Free agents are the power bottoms of the NBA. They got no fighting them. They can't win. Oh, fuck it. I'll just join your clubhouse. Knock, knock, knock,

guess who's here? Um, anyway, and with that, what has happened to the fucking NBA? You know what's funny is Verzi was sitting there talking to me, you know, he missed the last formula one race as did I, I did, and he's just,

you know, basically, you know, repeating what I'm saying, going like, I don't understand it. It's like, Louis Hamilton wins every race, but blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like boring and blah, and it's just like, well, what is the fucking NBA? The NBA is exciting to you when the top 10 people all

the other 28 teams null and void. As the NBA was it exciting when fucking Kevin Durant went to the Golden State Warriors and before the opening tip off of the first game, you knew the Warriors were going to win the championship and then they did. Um, I'm just, maybe that's

maybe that's how you like your competition. Um, I don't, you know what I mean? Anyway, that's why I don't follow the war on terror. You know what I mean? I need the other team to have more boats and planes. You know, other than that, it's been, it's been

like the war on terror has been like watching that fucking, it was in the 1990 NBA Olympic team when we went by like 160 points that come to America. Who stuck his balls

in that guy's face? Was that Charles Barkley? I can't even remember. But that's how, you know, sports has been like that for, I've never related to that shit. You know, even like the ladies playing soccer here, right? They're getting there into the final game. I believe they're playing Mexico. We all know how that's going to go down.

Um, America doesn't beat Mexico. America. America does not beat Mexico in fucking, in, in, in, in soccer. It just does not happen. But who knows, it might happen today or tomorrow, whenever the fucking game is. But that, that woman there, she scores the goal, right?

And then does the little fucking sip of the cup of tea. Um, that bugs me. Those celebrations, male or female or they, those things all fucking bug me. First of all, the, the, the celebrations stink.

Like you're flipping out that she pretended to sip a cup of tea like, oh shit. You know what I mean? It's kind of like jokes and hip hop. If you listen to a lot of the jokes that rappers make, if you take the music away and you just say them out loud, just imagine a comedian saying it.

You know? With all of that ass, you got to be shitting me. You get a groan. You put a beat behind it all, oh shit. Maybe that's why guitar X gets such shit.

I don't know. I've always liked guitar X. All right, let's get to the fucking um, let's get to the, uh, let's get to the fucking uh, the reeds here. We're getting up this spring with a trip to Cerellas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming

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legal legal zoom.com have I got time left 29 minutes alright I'll tell you a real quick story a buddy of mine called me up one of my Boston buddies from Summerville used to be called slumberville now there's a bunch of hipsters there

and fucking cupcake shops everybody riding around on bicycles with the little fucking thumb horns the little bell right I feel like I'm in a fucking fairy tale stress and fairy if you know what I mean he calls me up right and he's talking about the ladies

in the world cup and he goes dode have you been watching the fucking world cup this is what's hilarious about women's sports slash sad is no matter what those women are accomplishing men will always judge them on their level of how fuckable they are I

don't know if women do that when they watch professional athletes I have no idea but me just calls up dude you've been watching I said no I've seen the billboards I know they're doing well I'd like to get into it I've just been fucking busy I enjoy world cup soccer and I also

like women's soccer better than the men because they do way less flopping they just go out there and they get down to business and they play the fucking game so it's just like dude some of those chicks are fucking hot he just starts talking about all the ones he wants to bang

so I was at a party recently and somebody somehow you know Wimbledon's on right and they were talking about someone was talking about how great the Williams sisters are and how long that they've competed at that level which is really unheard of

especially with Serena like when I was a kid by the time you were 25 26 you were finished as a pro you started at like 13 or 14 you had 10 12 years and that was it alright you had a fucking tin cup in your hand begging for quarters by the time you were 29

in that sport and the fact that she's now in her late 30s and there's still a threat to win another major is incredible and this guy's going one of the not only one of the greatest tennis players of all time she's arguably one of the greatest athletes of all time and as he's saying that and I'm like going yeah yeah I agree this other guy in this circle

goes like yeah but she's not as good as good looking as Venus it's like what the fuck does that have to do with we're not talking about that you know what I mean that's like dude I think Peyton Manning's better than Tom Brady yeah but he's not as good looking as Tom Brady Tom Brady is way more

fuckable than Peyton Manning so you know fuck whatever this other guy's stats are although that's a bad comparison because do we all know that Tom Brady is the Venus Williams of fucking quarterbacks he's the greatest of all time anyways I just thought that that was funny but I got the weekend

off here so hopefully I'll have time I'm gonna go on actually now that I'm bringing this up I have to watch a couple of MotoGP races I missed the last formula one race which was everything that racing used to be and all the old heads tell me that I missed it but seriously it only happened because Lewis got

fucking penalized during the the time trials there and I want to watch this lady soccer hopefully I didn't miss it I feel like it's I know it's women's sports no one you know how it works their fucking cup final will be on a Friday when half the country's still at work hopefully it's this weekend

I want to watch it and I'm rooting hard because like in hockey we always lose to Canada right unless it's the juniors the juniors we always seem to beat him but that's because their juniors are so good they're playing in the fucking pros but we always lose to them in Olympic hockey it seems

and when it comes to soccer we're always losing to Mexico so if the men can't do it I'm hoping the ladies can so I'll be rooting for them and as much as I'm appreciating your thick shapely thighs there

I will put my fuck damn give a fuck if I see a hot one I'm gonna say something women do that shit my wife doesn't want you to watch this fucking NBA hoop you know how much ladies how much fuck this whole goddamn thing good good for my friend still walking around being openly

heterosexual still out there sexualizing women still out there ignoring the accomplishment of some great women to talk about what he'd like to do in the bedroom with them God it's nice to know that there's a few people like that left alright anyways

anyways ladies if you want guys to not sexualize you you have to dress like Hillary Clinton just get yourself a pantsuit and a crazy smile and you will be fine alright that's it God bless all of you God bless America

you know tough weekend for the English I know every you know they all hang their heads in sadness you know because they all still care so much about America they won't admit that they do you know but they do okay they love our movies they love our jeans

okay they they they fucking they love our chili dogs okay they're a bunch of fatties over there too don't even don't even fucking don't even kid yourself alright they just eat different food they're big into Indian food over there

Indian food is fucking crazy fish and chips but it's all fucking fried shit right I don't know well why this is a time to bring people together alright well hopefully we'll have some you know what I'm gonna key this up we got some Neil Diamond for you here

I come to America to close out this fucking podcast and then we're gonna do a little we're gonna do a little fucking greatest hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast so you have an extra half an hour from a podcast that I've recorded previously I don't know last

month ten years ago no fucking alright God bless America and have a great weekend far we've been traveling far without a home not without a

star free only one will be free we've heard them close hang on to a dream on the boats and on the planes they come

to America never looking back again those guys always get on on the cross country fucking flights so anyways there was this adorable woman next to me and

she was from Australia had little fucking accent and all that type of shit so whatever long story short we're taking off from JFK and one of the runways is shut down so it's taken for fucking ever right couple people on the plane

are in wheelchairs so that takes more time you know your proverbial fat fucks you know the whole deal so uh we take off like an hour and a half late just a whole fucking thing by the time we land we land there's no gate and then we gotta sit there

and wait to get towed in and the whole thing's taken forever and she does this shit where she just goes she says she goes is everything in America slow you know so I let it slide and then the plane lands and we're all trying to see who won the Celtics or the Lakers

because we all missed the fucking game thank god ESPN showed the replay I caught the second half and it goes around the plane like wildfire fire you know the Celtics won Celtics won and this girl my girl was joking about how much people give this shit and then this girl makes comics fucking blah blah blah

and it's just like you know what I let it slide with the first fucking one but it's just really you know like they always talk about the ignorant American what kind of a fucking asshole comes here from another country and shits on the country to somebody who's from this country when I was over in England I didn't walk around

saying to English people how fucking awful their torsos were I didn't do that they said I enjoyed England I'm like it's fucking great I can't leave them over here Royal Albert Hall it's beautiful I can't wait to come over here again phenomenal fucking city I didn't say

your food sucks you guys all have will ferrell mushy torsos I didn't say any of that shit I didn't talk about your teeth being fucked up I didn't talk about the weird inbred look because you've all been fucking each other and the same goddamn strip of land

for fucking thousands of years I didn't do that shit I was on my best behavior and here I am sitting next to this fucking clam there's everything in America slow as opposed to what that beacon of speed that fucking Australia is fucking people you know I went to Australia

I was there for like three days I had a good time down there but you know I could have picked that place apart all the unemployed people just sitting in bars drinking that fucking idiot you know same fucking cunts same goddamn cunts that's all it is everybody

taking potshots in America now that's what it is because we've been on top and we've been exploiting their labor I guess maybe that's maybe we deserve a little bit of that shit but you know what take look in the fucking mirror Australia or woman from Australia the fuck I went there I was just like wow

like I was going into the future can I have a ham and then the fucking sandwiches right in my hand before I even finish it I didn't find them to be overly fast over there either you wait you fucking wait you think it's not coming your way our corporations

are just ahead of the curve of where your corporations are our corporations have basically exploited every last legal way that they can make more fucking money over here so now they're just stealing they're just stealing and they're cutting

fucking staff members I actually had to wait like a half hour 40 minutes to get my bag last night I think it was that Sunday thing once again it's Sunday so we just have like a skeleton crew I don't know

all I'm saying you know it's just bugging me it's like do you think I know that that shit isn't a little fucked up over here do I need you to come over here I would never be in Australia and go like yeah Australians to another fucking Australian you know that's the type of

I just felt like fucking stuffing her in a goddamn boogie board bag boogie board bag why did I pick that because I saw that documentary of that stupid fuck from Australia who's put 200 pounds of fucking weed into a boogie board bag all right alliteration for you

and then goes to like Bali you know if you even have cold medication they hang you by your balls in the public square and she gets life imprisonment that's what you get you dumb fuck that's what you get that's one of my theon fuck Australia

that's how it works see that's how it works right there there's a lot of people in Australia right now maybe listen to this shit going you know I would never say that I would never do that if I went yeah well one of you did so there you go do you think Germany likes to be judged by Hitler alone

they don't I bet there's a lot of sweethearts over in Germany look at all those fucking fat jolly people during Octoberfest running around here in Hansel and Gretel you know shitting on each other or whatever weird fetishes they're into over there what's going on how was your weekend

did you have a good time did you blow off your fucking fingers um did you enjoy the 4th of July you know first of all for right out of the gate right out of the gate I want to thank everybody

that did some dumb shit with fireworks and had the presence of mind to fucking make a youtube video out of it you know so guys like me could just sit there I was laughing my ass off last night I went to bed and I was watching people shooting bottle rockets out of their

ass having Roman candle fights seeing somebody take one to the face do you know some guy in Maine lit something off on top of his fucking head and he died instantly they were like he lit off they said some a mortar

something fucking insane what kind of you know what kind of a fucking asshole would do something like that he must have had it there's no way everybody knows once you get up to anything like a pack of firecrackers on your head

you're like that's funny you're gonna fucking kill your eardrums and you know but you're gonna survive but what do you put an M80 in his mouth or something well I don't know Bill you fucking brought it up alright relax let's just look up Maine guy

dies fireworks alright man shoots off fireworks from top of his head dies instantly a 22 year old man was drinking and celebrating the 4th of July happy birthday to America

dude put it on my head happy birthday to America I'll fucking light it happy birthday wow Michael oh my god somebody calling ambulance that's how it went down

22 year old man who was drinking and celebrating the 4th of July tried to launch a firework from top of his head killing him instantly authority said authority said you gotta be an authority to say that somebody is fucking dead after they light something off on their head wait a minute wait a minute

clear clear the way yes yes he is dead well they kind of knew that he has brains all over the sidewalk watch your mouth woman watch your mouth woman one of my favorite quotes in sports over the last fucking I don't know how many months six months

watch your mouth woman when that woman called asked LeBron what it was like to be a punk ass bitch and then that guy is going watch your mouth woman watch your mouth woman and you would think that the broads would have had such would have fucking difficulty with it like you know I realized

she said something derogatory towards him but that's no excuse no excuse go change your broad lady I love that they didn't say anything because even they knew that bitch was out of line I'm just talking shit today

they won't say what kind of firework it was apparently he thought that was a great idea just when you died in a stupid fucking way when somebody starts it off when they start your eulogy off with apparently

apparently this guy thought sticking his head in the garbage disposal was going to give him a good buzz I'm sorry to bring it up Claire but you know how did he even get it in there hallelujah his friends said

they thought they dissuaded him from doing it the next thing they knew he ignited the firework and he was killed instantly what the fuck did he shoot off there was no rushing him to the hospital there was no Devin left when I got there

said 25 year old Cody Jesus Christ the names of this generation Devin, Cody Jeep Wrangler Devin was the kind of person who would do something stupid absolutely he was the kind of person who would pretend to do something stupid

and make people laugh well he wasn't faking it alright it's the first fireworks fatality since they legalized fireworks January 1st 2012 well he just fucked it up for the whole state it's bad enough everyone's on heroin now you're going to give them fireworks

I mean what next does ISIS get their own juice store come on people over 18% of bottle rockets are shot out of people's anuses

in this state alone this needs to stop woo that's going on in main street right now in Maine hi do you know me of course you don't

I'm your regular housewife here in Maine my son is on heroin my other son shot a roman candle up his ass I'm sorry to be graphic he was trying to shoot it

out of his ass but apparently is excitement well who's getting who I mean in order to light the wick you got to be able to see it so I don't know how these things were done when we were kids we just

that's what we did Devin was a great person and in New Jersey a 52 year old man blew off a large piece of his leg below the knee when he set off a tennis ball size firework

in Montana Montana a 32 year old man was killed at his building's home in a fireworks accident involving a mortar tube alright at least there was some sort of mortar round I mean mortar round I mean

first of all when you start lighting off shit where your neighbors start screaming and coming what do you think is going to happen let's look up a mortar tube here everybody I'm learning about fireworks through the death of my fellow Americans I spilt motar

alright firework mortar tubes how about some images let me see what the fuck these things look like is there some sort of alright all I see is army guys yeah that's not good you know when the shit

you're shooting off oh there we go well there's one that looks like a little barbershop thing what a fucking dope he shot that off his head you know what probably happened I would guess is that there was some sort of

discharge from the bottom end of it in the concussive force but it seems like there was no Devin he fucking blew his head off you know Jesus what a way to start I had such a wonderful weekend I didn't mean this when I was talking about funny shit I was just talking about you know people

having Roman candle fights come on we all did that shit right that's the evolution of all weaponry alright anything that has an explosive device anything that it's explosive device

anything that fucking blows shit up you just you start or anything that you can shoot at a target it always starts simple let's light it off you know let's point it in that direction at the trees

right and then what then you move up to let's torture some insects let's shoot a bird and eventually because you know the way human beings are

that we always try to top one another and we get bored which is the reason why we are from walking to the horse to the car I'm really in deep right now I know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about eventually you're gonna move to the the ultimate prey the human being

you know something that can think the same way you do better in math than you did you know that's the challenge this person passed algebra I did not we're both trying to kill one another is you know

first outside inside last gonna come into play here when we're out in the woods our opposite angle is being congruent is that gonna be the death of me or do I just have that extra something

do I warn it a little bit more am I able to block out the fifth command it do I have such a strong religious background that I can hear God's voice in my head telling me that I'm right telling me to deliver

that animal it's not even a man anymore it's a fucking animal deliver that animal in the express lane to its maker do I have that I mean it's inevitable that's personally why I don't fuck with fireworks

I don't fuck with fireworks because I know that I am scatterbrained and I get bored easily and I have 10,000 fucking hobbies and eventually lighting it off in the driveway is not gonna be enough for me okay

I have neighbors I have neighbors that I get along with maybe I'm bored with the fact that I get along with them maybe I want to start maybe some days you just wake up and you just want to start some shit and you just happen to have some fireworks that don't just blow up

they go way up in the air and you want to shoot somebody right anyways my condolences to anybody who knows somebody that died I don't want to make condolences for the people that died because you're fucking dead and you're either dead or you think you're in a better place

because someone who's dumb enough to blow themselves up on the July 4th weekend with their own goddamn explosives I don't think ever had the brains to really hurt another human being knowingly I never knowingly lied knowingly hurt another fucking human being

I mean honestly if you're that fucking stupid obviously you could go out and you could hurt somebody but you know do you really have the mental capacity to understand you know your actions they come into America

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