Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-17

Episode Date: July 6, 2017

Bill rambles about new ball parks, cows and the cheating Colts.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the month. Uh, I know what it is. No, it's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it out. Yeah.

Sorry. I'm saving my voice. I fucked up my voice a couple of months ago and I just ignored it. And now I am, I'm throat coding, tea in it. Um, um, I got some halls. Sucking on the halls there. Dude, it's still fucking mental liptus. Whatever the fucking says on the thing, halls, mental lipless, mental liptus,

eucalyptus, I don't know. Take a steam. You, what you need to do for your voice is you need to stop talking. You need to drink some condensed milk. It's like 20 people right now. Condensed milk. Well, I actually call this flim. Shut the fuck up.

You never went to medical school. Okay. All you did was drink a glass of milk. Stop talking like you're a fucking veterinarian. Oh, you know, I didn't want to be in a mood like this. Um, all right. So Billy, no fun. Now I've cried wolf for about three weeks right now talking about how I was

going to get my act together. Right. I was going to, I was going to start working clean on stage. I was going to, uh, you know, get my relationship with Christ going again. Man, I haven't talked to that guy in fucking forever. We had a big falling out. Me and that guy, you know, and I still feel like he owes me the apology. I'm waiting for him to call, you know, waiting for him to reach out.

But, uh, you know, I can see that he's being a big baby about it. So evidently, you know, I'm going to have to be the bigger man. You know, I'm going to have to reach out. Jesus, if you could, could you help me avoid the demon of the booze? Um, no, I was good. This is how this is how much I've been eating and drinking like a fucking asshole. I just shut everything down Sunday night and I lost four pounds this week. You know, just fucking, and I even got hammered one night.

I was doing so well. Dude, the fourth of July, happy birthday, dear United States of America. Happy birthday, dear United States of America. Happy birthdays, defenders of freedom. You're living on goop and we want it. Hey, um, Oh, Jesus. Anyways, on July 4th, you know, burgers, I had zero yummy hot dogs.

I had zero, you know, much alcohol. I had zero until a couple came over our friends. You know, they brought their kids over, you know, they had a little one. Then they had one that was like seven, eight years old. Kid was a riot telling me knock, knock jokes. He was killing me, killing me. His delivery was outstanding. He was making up his own knock, knock jokes, but just the way he would do

to deliver the punchline, he'd be like, um, um, okay, I got one. I got one. He was just making them up on the spot. He'd be like, knock, knock. I'd be like, who's there? And he'd be like, Liz. I'd be like, Liz, who? And he'd be like, Liz into my music.

I mean, you come up with one on the spot. Those aren't easy. Um, anyways, so we ended up having, I had a great time, but, uh, you know, the guy brought over some beer. So I'm like, yeah, these aren't cold. I got a couple of cores. The core is like, you know, in the little grenade fucking bottles in the back. I'm like, I'll have one.

So I have one. They're only here for an hour. Right. But what did I do? I sprinkled a little fairy dust on the demon in me and then the demon woke up and was like, walk over to your bar and get some tequila. And I did, you know, big fucking square ice cube, nice home pour. And the bottle was almost empty.

So I'm like, well, I got to have another one and finish that one. Yeah. Long story short, one and a half of those plus the fucking cores. And I'm downstairs in my bed talking gibberish to my wife. I just remember one point she just goes, what? And I was like, all right, time to go to bed. So I had one minor slip up, you know, whatever. I think if you just did heroin once a week, that wouldn't be bad, right?

You could just did once, you know, maybe on the weekends, he wouldn't want to be nodding off at work. So I'd be bad. That'd be hilarious if you just stuck to your guns and be like, four out of five days, I'm fucking on it. One fucking day I come in here with track marks, nodding off of my cubicle. And all of a sudden, oh, oh, oh, we need to have a meeting. That's an 80% it's a B minus.

Tell me your parents would ground you over a B minus. They just say, get your grades up. If this is a get your grades up conversation, then I'm all about it. But if you're going to start saying that you're going to fire me, you're going to fire me over a B minus over a B minus. Okay, I'll get a fucking lawyer. I'll sue the shit out of you. Your honor, my, my client was only doing heroin once a week.

Okay. It was, it was the middle of the week. It was a Wednesday. Okay. He came in, he crushed it on Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday, admittedly. He wasn't worth anything, but Thursday and Friday, he finished strong. We could equate this to a sports analogy. He, uh, you know, uh, when, uh, didn't, uh, went over 20 in the beginning of

the third quarter, but he came out with a victory. Sorry. Um, anyways, yes, I lost four pounds this fucking week. And, um, I think I'm back on it. I, you know what, I have an acting gig coming up. So I got to get down to my fighting weight is Bob Pogo. Um, as Dave Kekner, as Bob Pogo says, my fighting weight is a 172. So I can drop three a week.

It's in two weeks. So I'll be down to like 170 fuck three, four, something like that. And then I'll just fucking wean the next two off while I do the shoot. And there you go. That's how it's done. All right. All you fat actresses out there, fucking bitch, morning to complain. Oh, it's so easy for a fucking guy.

We got our fighting weight too. You know, it's so sick of that fucking myth that they put out. Oh, a guy can look however he wants. Now, if you're a fat fuck, you're going to play a fat fuck as a guy. It's just, just what it is. You're going to play a fat fuck in the jokes are going to be that you're a fat fuck. Okay. You're going to be doing a Chip and Dale's dance with no shirt on.

You're going to be breaking coffee tables. You'll be living in a van down by the river. You're going to be a mall cop that tries to slide behind a pole, but doesn't quite make it because of the shape he's in. Okay. I don't know what fucking movies you're watching. Um, and then the whole thing when they sit there and they go, oh, you know, I'm so sick of seeing these movies where there's these guys and these these women,

you know, they're with women half their fucking age. Well, you know what that is? It's because you haven't traveled to where the money is. Go down to Miami, you know, get out of the ugly parts of the world like Des Moines, Iowa. Okay. Oh, come on. You know, you're ugly.

And if you're not ugly, you're fucking planning an escape. All the hot chicks move out of Des Moines. Where do they go? Huh? Cheyenne, Wyoming. Um, you know, then they meet some hot guy from Greeley. And next thing you know, they're in Denver growing some weed. Um, Greeley, we're having a bad smell day.

Um, anyways, you know, in front of my, I was just talking, recently about this, this farm that they have, uh, they sponsor this farm, some somewhere out in England and they, um, they don't kill the cows when they stop producing milk. They just let them kind of just get old. It's really cool. It's like a cool farm, man. They milk the cows by hand.

I think all farms should do that, you know, all farms should do that. And if there's, you know, if they can't keep up with the milk supply demand, that, you know, all that means is human beings will die and considering where the problem, you know, I say as long as it's not me or anyone that I love, I'm all for it. Here's something really fucked up environmentally. I started watching baseball again. I finally gave in, I bought the MLB package.

I'm, I'm all set now. I got the center rice. I got the fucking, what's this? What's the, they always got some dumb name. They can't just say the NHL. He gets the center ice, the court side fucking 50 yard line, whatever they call them, right? I got the Bruins, the Patriots, the Celtics and Reds.

I got the whole fucking thing with my cable. It just automatically renews, which I love. I usually don't like when it automatically renews like, Hey, hey, I make the decision. Now I don't give a shit. I'm just like, all right, fine, whatever, whatever, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Um, so I've been watching, uh, I watched that Rangers series. I didn't realize how many Red Sox.

I didn't know his Mookie Betts and Wright Bradley, Jacob, Jr. Something like that. Bradley, uh, uh, fucking Walmart, Jr. Whatever the fuck his name is, Milton Bradley. What's his name? Something Bradley, Jr. I don't know. Then you got Andrew, uh, but he gave you a bottom and fucking left.

Xander Bogatz, Dustin Padreu, I don't know a lot of them. Um, anyway, so I'm going to start watching them and, uh, watching the Yankees too. Cause Aaron Judd, Aaron Judd looks like a fucking myth. Doesn't he? He looks like one of those fucking things when they talk about baseball in the early 1900s, you know, and they had those giant fucking, you know, elephant tights of the fucking hand gloves that they used to play with, you know, guys, fucking amazing.

I don't know what's going on though, but I think baseball's numbers are down. I think they juice up whenever they, whenever that fucking numbers go down, I believe that they juice up the ball. They got to do something. I mean, it's just all of a sudden, I don't know where everybody just starts cranking all these fucking home runs. And this guy's on pace to hit like 60. Um, but anyways, I've been, uh, just sitting there.

Recording the games were in Tampa tonight, right? We started, you know what happened was I, I went, did that big poppy roast. And then I went to the game and then I just got back into it. I was like, Oh yeah, I fucking love this game. I forgot about that. Um, and I think we went to, um, Toronto, that's what I went to. Toronto, won that series, went to, uh, Rangers, right? Texas, right?

This is what I don't understand. This is what the fuck I was trying to get to was I'm watching the fucking Texas Rangers. They have that amazing ballpark. I went there. I sat up, I sat in the outfield cause I wanted to have the opportunity to run out on the grass to try to get one of those home runs, you know, and, um, I've just found out that fucking ballpark, it's not even 25 years old.

They're already, they're already knocking it down. All that concrete, all of that shit, all of that fucking stuff. Yeah. Somebody please do a documentary and follow the dump trucks and just show, where does that go? What are they going to do with all that fucking? It's fine. It's fucking fine.

Like, well, you know, it gets really hot out here in the summer and we need a fucking, it gets hot out here in the summer because of us. We're a fucking plague. Jesus Christ. You already fucking yanked all that shit out of the goddamn ground. Now you're just going to throw it out. You're going to throw it in the fucking ocean and build another one. I don't know.

They're doing that in Atlanta. Atlanta has a fucking ballpark. That thing's not more than 25 years old. And they're like, well, you know, our fan base. It's just too far to drive, all the way downtown, gotta move it all the way out, really. Right. They got to bring it out to where the white people are. All right, white people, white people, you don't have to do it.

They're going to move it out to where the white people are. You know what the problem is, is Atlanta Braves fans fucking suck. They just, they don't, it's not even that they suck. It's just they've had the ball yanked out from underneath them a zillion fucking times. They got Charlie Brown. Okay. And then, you know, after that last fucking Super Bowl, if you think these fucking, I mean, if I was a president, I would, I would declare Atlanta a

fucking disaster area. If I was in Georgia, all right, I would just watch college sports. I'd be into them, Georgia Bulldogs. That's what I would do. Georgia Tech University at Georgia. I'm one of my dreams, man, one of my dreams. I just want to come over and just slobbering my fucking hand. I'll go home and jerk off to the fucking Georgia Bulldogs.

I would, it's disgusting. I will fucking, I would be into that shit. So evidently they feel that not enough black people come out. I have no idea. This is just what people from Atlanta told me. They don't feel enough black people come out or white people are too afraid to drive their Christ or town and country, countries and SUVs into the greater Atlanta area.

To go to a fucking baseball game. I have no idea. So they're just abandoning that fucking major league ballpark that some like college team is now going to play their baseball games. And it's fucking ridiculous. And then they're going to build another one. I don't know. I think you should have to be in a ballpark for at least 50 fucking years, right?

I'll be honest with you, I couldn't believe how old those were. I thought they, they made those in like, in the year 2000, I thought they made them 2000, they made them like 94 or something like that. So, um, I don't know who cares. You know, who gives a fuck, right? Just keep yanking the shit out of the fucking ground, building shit, rip it down and then throw it in the ocean. And then blame people with red tires, blue ties, and then we'll just

continue doing what the fuck with this depressing bill. This is fucking depressing. All right. How about some good news? I have some of the best news I've gotten in a long time, a long time. All right, you ready for this? The Indianapolis Colts got caught cheating, got caught cheating again. It's fucking on, it's, it's hilarious.

It's fucking hilarious. How many of these fucking things that these guys do and how little attention those cunts at ESPN pay attention to this shit. The level of fucking focus on spy gate, deflate gate, all of this fucking shit. They're not even going to do a story on ESPN like, Hey, wait a minute, we spent two and a half years on fucking deflate gate because the owner of a team that's gotten caught pumping in crowd noise, fucking having hearing aids now, I guess in the helmets because Peyton Manning was a new quarterback

and hadn't mastered the silent count. The dude who caught the under inflated fucking ball got busted doing roids, they stole our fucking offense. I mean, did they get their owners sat on the competition committee and changed the rules of passing to tip it in his favor so they could beat the Patriots is fucking unbelievable. That's the thing. I'm not mad at any of that.

Do you like, does that make Indian? Does that really make them win the fucking game? Cause they have hearing aids in their fucking helmets. I think that's fucking hilarious. All right. And I think it's the job of the league to try to catch those people doing it. And when people get caught, I just laugh, corked bats, all of that shit's funny. Steroids is the one thing.

Steroids, that's the one for me that I feel that's the biggest thing. You know, pumping in crowd noise, hearing aids, taking a cunt's hair with the air out of a ball, trying to steal signs. Jesus Christ, everybody fucking, but that shit's hilarious to me. And those are some of the best stories that you hear when you listen to pro athletes, half their fucking funny stories are about guys cheating. You know, so every time the ref turns away, this guy keeps punching me in the balls.

So I'm just like, dude, what the fuck? By the third quarter, my balls are the size of my fucking head. So I turn around and I kick him in the nuts from behind. I get his taint, his fucking asshole. Like every one of them, you go to a banquet, all of their fucking stories are about the shit that they did to each other when the refs weren't looking. My only one is steroids. That's the only one I give a fuck about.

If you get caught using steroids just because that, you know, and that doesn't make you throw the ball farther or see it better or get bat speed or any of that shit, it just keeps you feeling brand fucking new. You're going up there like you got eight hours of sleep. Like you never got tackled in your life. Like you never got hit on the rib cage by a fastball. It just, you're like a fucking X man. That's the one that I look at, like what the fuck.

But I also, I also understand it. I mean, because at least in football, like what those guys do to their bodies and what happens to their brains at the very least, I mean, I think they ought to be able to heal up like X men. I think they ought to be able to smoke weed. You know, at a state level, so they don't get in trouble. That's the only thing. But this is the thing.

Colts, I don't think Peyton Manning's a cheater. I don't think the Colts are fucking cheaters. I think it's fucking hilarious that you got caught doing that just because your owner is a cunt. He's such a fucking cunt. And I can't believe that ESPN is just going to fucking ignore this story. They're just ignoring the thing. Quick little blurb, bang, bang, boom, done.

See you later. There's no, hey, wait a minute. The whole time this guy was saying fucking bad, but bad. Meanwhile, he's doing this. I mean, Jesus Christ ESPN. It's the dog days of summer. God knows you got to fill up some fucking airtime. As a Patriots fan, can you at least have Bob Lee do some fucking outside

the line shit? They won't do it. They won't fucking do it. Oh, whatever. What are you going to do? I love it, though. I love it. Cause to this day, I still get shit when I was up in, um, when I was up in

Portchester, fucking giant fans, giant fans who had former great giants. Talk about fucking cheating all the time, all the shit that they do. Like, like this fucking guy, Jim Ursay succeeded cause he in his own way tainted the Patriots when they did absolutely nothing more than anybody else's fucking do it, which is basically fucking grab ass bullshit. And they're acting like they're fucking, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't get it. I don't fucking get it. You know what? I just Tom Brady. He's just too good looking. If Tom Brady looked like Peyton Man, I don't get it. If Tom Brady looked like Peyton Manning, I'm telling you right now this will, and we weren't winning championships.

It wouldn't be a fucking story, but whatever. All I know is I got another round of ammunition that I can put in the gun any fucking time anybody speaks up, um, about the Patriots cheat. Now, what do you think about the Indianapolis Colts? Huh? Hey, how do you feel about the, uh, the Falcons or the, uh, the Vikings? What do you think about those guys? What do you think about the Pittsburgh Steelers?

What do you think about the New York football giants? What do you think about any? Ah, you don't think anything about that. You know why? Cause ESPN didn't tell you to think anything about it. You fucking buffalo, wild wings, mouth, breathe and file. Let it go, Bill. All right.

I am. Anyways, a buddy of mine was just, uh, brought up that Conor McGregor Mayweather fight again, and, uh, it was fucking hilarious. He goes, you don't think McGregor has a chance. And I'm just like, I think he's, you know, I told him I got it. I think he's at an unbelievable disadvantage. You know what I mean? He's like, uh, he's like a fucking swimmer.

And, uh, this is like a fight or not. That's a bad analogy. I don't know what it is. I told you the analogy. It's like fucking Tom Brady, Jerry Rice at the height of their fucking careers. Let's see who's a better football player by seeing who can throw the football further and more accurate. That's the only level of competition.

So this guy's going, you don't think he's got a chance. He goes, look at his boxing in this. And he shows me a fucking MMA fight. The guy throws like three punches and then a flying fucking knee and takes the guy to the ground. It's just like, dude, that's not boxing. All right, world-class championship boxers could not lay a fucking glove on this guy. He's not going to be able to land a fucking, I don't think he's going to land a glove on him.

The only, the only thing he has is if Mayweather, I don't know, and the last, whenever the last time he fought was, he just got old. Like Jordan between the bulls and the wizards. Like he just had a noticeable fucking drop off and he can somehow rough the guy up. And I know Mayweather's hands are fucked up from all the years of fucking punching guys in the head. Well, maybe he can fucking somehow get Mayweather's ego into like, you can talk enough shit that MMA is a superior sport.

That Mayweather's is going to want to knock him out and maybe he comes in and do it. And for the first time in his career, does something stupid. I just don't see it happening. I said that I hate this fight because I know I'm going to order it. But after the debate with him and watching him sending me an MMA clip to show me how good this guy was at boxing, I'm now, but I don't think I'm going to order the fucking thing. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait.

I'm going to wait to people call me up and see, I mean, wait for texts of like, oh, shit, capital letters, then I'll order it. Or if they, I was a complete fucking waste of money, then I'll just laugh. And then I'll probably will order it. I'm going to order it. God damn fucking shit. I'm going to order it. I'm going to give Mayweather another hundred.

You know how much fucking money that guy owes me? Why don't you and fight Manny Packey out fucking 10, 11 years after when he should have. Although I actually, I mean, I thought that that guy was on something. You know, you know, I know because I'm not in the fight game. Anytime a guy just keeps moving up in weight class and he just keeps getting stronger. I mean, is that possible? I moved up in weight class. I went up to almost a buck 90.

I didn't get any faster. Anyways, let's read some fucking advertising here. And then I have to go into the writer's room for season three of F is for family. Oh boy. Another 10 episodes. And I am being a fucking angel. An angel. As far as my eating in that writer's room, nothing.

Nothing will fuck you over like sitting in a goddamn writer's room. You're sitting on your ass all fucking day. And there's candy and chips and chips and candy and pizza and fucking burgers and fries. I mean, it is, it is, it's a fucking. He might as well be sitting in a crack house. This is okay. Here's my diet. All right.

Here for me, I feel like this works. All right. I have oatmeal, third of a cup of oatmeal with a benign. Right. Little bit of milk in there to cool off the fucking. These are fucking. I don't know what it is. And fuck you guys with your steel cut oats.

I don't give a shit. This works for me. All right. Then I have two eggs always. That's it. Right. Then between lunch and breakfast, I have an orange. That's it.

And then for lunch, I have some sad fucking salad with the protein. No bread. And then I just crush waters. I leave around five. I got to eat something else in the afternoon. I don't know what. And then I come home and I have a salad with a protein and I do a half hour of cardio. And that's it.

The fat has nowhere to hide. It's like a fucking roach when you turn the lights on. It's just freezes. It doesn't know what to do. And then it's dead. That's it. And I just have to, what I have to do is I have to stick with this. So I'm down to just under 180.

I'm a buck 79 and change. So this time next week, when I'm in fucking Grand Rapids, Michigan, doing one of my favorite fucking gigs in the country, the Fountain Street fucking church. I'm doing some fun gigs coming up, by the way. I want to be 176 next week is what I'm saying. But I got a, I'm playing that fucking venue that Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Richie Valens all played the night they died flying into the same fucking airport. I know what you guys are saying.

Oh geez, Bill, don't you, I, no, no, because we actually have de-icing exists. They did not have that. All right, legal zoom, everybody. And that kick's going to be like in November. It's not on sale yet, as far as I know. All right, legal zoom. In order to successfully run your own business, attention to detail is so critical. One contract slip up, one contract slip up or legal misunderstanding can really set you back.

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Dude, dude, dude, me on these me on these that ain't Gatorade. They fucking cheated. You're a bunch of cunts you got on me on these to take a dump. And your balls feel good with your silent count. You fucking hypocritical cunts. Oh, yeah. Five fucking rings. Go suck it.

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How about those fucking Celtics? Dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, any age, age, age is a word. Remember that Larry bird, bird, bird, bird, bird is a word. He's making some fucking moves. I guess we're going after this Gordon. He would. Everybody thinks he's a great fit for the Boston Celtics,

because one, he's a great player. Two, he played for Coach Brad Stevens at Butler. And three, he's fucking white, white, white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Celtics love a white guy. Still love a white guy. I don't know what it is. The Celtics, they just have to have the white guy.

I watched this, we played Utah. I didn't see what the big fucking deal was. Everybody's, oh my God, no, this guy, he's fucking unreal. He's white like me. Jason Tatum, we got Jason Tatum drafted him. I saw him play at Duke last year against Carolina. You know, I think he's a great fit for the Celtics. You know, he played at Duke under Coach K.

He's an absolute beast and he appears to be at least half white. He's light-skinned. There you go. That's Celtics like that. I'm fucking with you guys. Look at fucking Danny Ainge becoming like a fucking Red Aura back junior. He's got all these draft picks.

He's fucking wheeling. He's dealing. You know what I want to see him do? I want to see him light up a fucking, you can't do it anymore. Light up a fucking cigar when we're up by 20 in the fourth quarter. Just light it up. It's fucking over. Red Aura back used to do that on the bench.

I mean, just one of the biggest shit talkers ever without having to say one word. Oh my God, how bad did people want to beat that guy? All right. Anyways, that's going to be the podcast for this week. Oh, you know what? I bought some new symbols. I got a bunch of new symbols. I finally got the jazz ride that I wanted.

I still fucking suck, but my symbols sound great. And I'm still my grudge kit that I ordered. I ordered it in May. They said it'd take two and a half months. So it's been a month and a half. So it should be here at any moment. No, Bill, it should be here another month if you do the math, whatever. I know what's going to happen when I leave to New York and I go to do the acting gig.

That's when it's going to fucking show up. Murphy's Law. And then I'm going to come here and they'll be like, sorry, we missed you. And they're going to be like, we don't know where the drum kit is. You know, we set it down, right? And then I'm going to fucking see some street performer with my fucking grudge kit.

And I'm going to know it's mine because it's going to have three floor toms, like fucking doesn't not get one rack tom, three floor toms, the triangle of death to my right. I'm already going to order another rack tom, I think. I'm just doing everything I can to have a different fucking setup so I can get out of my 30 year fucking John Bonham vortex that I went down. And I've been playing the double pedal. I've been playing a double pedal to Primus in a little bit of Pantera.

Just doing whatever I can, listening along and then slowing it down and fucking trying to get my shit up to speed. And and I've been listening to like in 1950s, Miles Davis, typical me fucking ADD all over the map. Why? Why work at one of those things at one time? So you can actually get something downhill when you can work with at all of it at once. All of it at once.

All right, whatever I'm having. What the fuck? I mean, I'm not pro drummer, you know, not going to be recording anything soon. Who gives a fuck? I'm going to record anything ever. You know, although, you know, I've been doing the I did that video that Sunday video podcast at a great time doing that. I'm going to do those every once in a while.

Maybe one of these times I'll fucking I'll do like a no, I can't do it. I'll do a little clip. I'll put a little clip up. I got to do a drum cover of like one of the worst songs ever. And then just be sitting there because I have to somehow make you laugh, right? I can't just do a drum cover and be like, yeah, but I don't understand what the purpose of that was. What am I watching? The banana splits is like fucking Danger Island going to come on next.

Or maybe I'll just do one behind the drum kit. I'll just talk shit for fucking half hour. And then the second I'm done, I can play drums. Maybe that's how I do it. And I act like I'm going to play drums, but then I never do. And then you're like, Bill, what the fuck? And I'll just be like, no, what the fuck you? Because I made you watch until the end.

I'm like Bill, Bill M. B right now. I'm playing a mind game. We used to play mind games with people. Is that what you did, Bill? I think you just waited until people left the ground and you took their fucking legs off from underneath them. I didn't realize that that was some there was a whole other level of mental shit going on there. I thought you just understood gravity and somebody being vulnerable.

All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. God bless the Indianapolis Colts. Now, everybody, having been through this as a Patriots fan, I want you to be nice to those Colts fans. Do not call them cheaters. It isn't fair. Fucking hearing aids.

That is hilarious. Could they talk to each other? Do you realize how fucking funny that is? And that you're sitting there and your offensive line coach comes in. All right, listen, this kid ain't fucking making it, man. He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. We're going to get harassed. This is going to be a loud building.

All right, just put these fucking things in anything. Any one of them sat there going like, but coach, isn't that against the rules? That's fucking hilarious. I love that they did that. That's one of my favorite things about sports. You know, is that shit? Somebody with Vaseline under their fucking, that guy had the shit on his neck.

And that's just fucking funny. And then everybody judges him. Like you never drove in the carpool lane without another person in the car, right? You never cheated on a test. You never fucked around on your girlfriend or your boyfriend. You never fucked around in your taxes. Huh?

You never cut in line. We're all fucking cheaters. Your cunts fucking holier than now douchebags. All right. Anyways, I mean, look, as unless you're doing like steroids, or like you're making somebody, you know, you're fucking somebody over in a house and then they're upside down in the house and you fuck them over for life. And then they're senior citizens.

They have to eat alpult. That's when that's when you got to step in and do something. But other than that, you know, you bust somebody and then you fucking laugh at them. You know, you never cheated on your diet. Your fucking spouse walks in. You got a fucking spoon full of ice cream. There's your cork bat right in your fucking mouth. All right.

Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, your cunts. And I'll I'll see you on Monday. Oh, yeah, the Monday morning podcast. We have our own Twitter account. Finally, if you'd like to follow the M M podcast and get the links for all the videos and all the stuff that I talk about, follow us here at the M M podcast. Our Twitter handle is at the M M P podcast at the M M podcast and M M P is all capitalized.

Solar power, everybody. Can I take five minutes just to be a fucking hippy man? Every once in a while, I go in and out of my fucking, you know, I'm with the team and now I'm not and then I'm against the team. You know, kind of like a fucking like a Randy Moss, you know, you come into town, you got your mind right. And after about a season and a half, you start acting like a fucking maniac. That's how I feel when I look at whatever the fucking express,

I'm really trying to avoid the expression, the powers that be. But I don't know, I can't help it. Every time when I land in Los Angeles and I look out at the basin, as they call it, from the San Gabriel Mountains all the way south of that, which is fucking LA and greater LA, all of that, just what an absolute clusterfuck it is. And what happens when the shit hits the fan? So I'm thinking about getting some solar panels. And I know all you rednecks out there are saying the obvious thing.

The fuck good's a solar panel gonna do if you ain't got a gun? What are you gonna keep the guy warm that fucking shoots you in the head and steals your provisions? I understand the fucking bearded wonder. All right, I get it. But one step at a time, one step at a fucking time. First thing I want to do, I want to get, you know, it's ridiculous. I live in a fucking desert.

The house bakes in the sun and I still have, I don't have solar power. It's the dumbest shit ever. So I'm gonna look into it. And what I want to know is, is, you know, is there two types of solar power? There's one where you're still on the grid and then there's one where you're off the grid. I like off the grid and if anybody's listening to my podcast, if you're off the grid, like what happens, do they get mad at you? I mean, how do they know?

Because all of a sudden your bill goes down. Does that like set off a light, you know, underneath the mountain that all those Illuminati guys live in and then somebody pulls up to your house. Hey, I noticed you haven't been making any toast lately. And, you know, what's going on here? How come you're not, you're not watching TV? What are you reading books in there? Fucking eating apples off a tree?

How come you're not using any electrical electricity there? Does that happen? Is it, it's not illegal to be off the grid. They just sort of fucking, do they bully you at all? Like, just let me know what I'm in for. All right, because what I would love to do is to continue spending my legal tender that really has nothing behind it other than the faith of every freckled face cunt over here. I would really love to continue existing in this, but I would like to have the backup

that if the shit does hit the fan before I'm overrun by a mob, you know, because mine's the only light on the top of the hill. See, that's, I used to do a bit about that. That's the thing, like if you actually have, if you're off the grid, all right, and everything just goes fucking haywire, you immediately, you got to cut your lights out quick. Okay, because the first thing when everybody loses power, they're standing there going, oh, you got to be fucking shitting me. I was watching two broke girls over here.

Right, that's the first thing. You flip the switches and then, you know, within 30 seconds you're like, is it just our house? And you look out the window. So you basically, you have 30 fucking seconds to cut all your lights off, tell your wife to shut the fuck up and get downstairs in that little corner room. All right, you put your hand on her shoulder firmly. You don't hurt her, but you're not affectionate.

You place your hand on her shoulder so she knows that some pertinent fucking information is on the way. And you say, honey, we're the only ones left. We're the only ones left. Look at me, stop crying. We're the only ones, we're the only ones left with power. And I need you to hold it together. Cry it out now.

I want you to cry every ounce of bitch you have in you out of you in this corner of this house. Okay. And when you come upstairs, I want you to sit here and act like we do not have power. Okay. So when the salivants come across the fucking street and see if we don't have power, you lie to their fucking faces. Honey, forget about the salivants. They're not going to make it.

You understand? You know, I don't want that to happen. I don't want that to happen to anybody, but I don't want to be the salivants. You know what I mean? I want a shot. Just give me a fucking shot. That's all I need. I just need some solar panels and a fucking helicopter, and I will get the fuck out of here.

That's what you need. You fucking idiot. It's with your guns. Huh? What are you, Schwarzenegger? How long is that going to last? Anyway, so I'm thinking about it. Does anybody live in the LA area?

Does anybody have solar panels anywhere in the fucking world? Can you recommend? Are there two different kinds? Because I actually looked up solar panels off the grid, and I came to this place, Blue Pacific Solar. It says off-grid packages. Then there's another one that just says get solar power, sun power, off-grid systems, off-grid system, backwood solar electric systems.

Yeah, I can install that shit. Well, what we're going to do is we're going to bring it in, and we'll just run it over the outhouse. What? Cabana? What's that? A cigar? Sorry. I'm in a stupid fucking mood this week.

Yeah. Oh, then there's one for Australia. I don't mind paying the grid, but I would like to have if the grid fails to have the then off the grid switch. How about that? Can we just have that? Those of you who've been on the internet this week, you know the direction that I'm working in. Oh, yes you do.

Just stop being modest. You know the direction I'm going in. I'm talking about solar fucking roads. Has anybody seen this YouTube video? It's fucking amazing if what they're saying is true about these solar roads. And I apologize for the narrator. I get what he's doing. He's trying to keep it interesting, but he kept it interesting too long.

And then he brings it down to an interlude, which should have come a minute earlier. And then he goes back to screaming. And so it's a little bit annoying, but just try to listen to the information and then try not to get sucked into a George Bush Obama debate because I don't know. I don't know if these things, what the fuck do I know, right? But they were basically saying if we replaced all our roads with these solar fucking things, that literally makes it look like Legoland and it's all lit up. And there'd be sensors to let you know a deer's going around the corner and then it

would just light up in the turn. Hey, there's a fucking deer around the corner. You know, enjoy your barley pancakes or whatever, right? Some fucking full on hippie shit. And that basically the amount of energy that it would create would be three times what this country even needed, which immediately we can just leave the Middle East, right? We don't have to be over there pissing them off by getting in the middle of their bullshit. All right.

We don't have to deal with oil and oil money is what funds the terrorist as far as my limited reading goes, right? The families over there that fuck, hang on, she's scratching. I just gave you a bath. What's wrong? Oh, anyway, yeah, like the fucking the oil people over the people who make all the money over there, they then donate to mosques.

And then in the mosque, they fucking, you know, kind of fucking, hey, you know, send it over to these fucking people over here that end up coming back at us shooting shit at us as far as, you know, like I said, I don't know shit. Cleo, would you stop fucking? You're gonna have to go to the other room here. Come here, buddy. What's up, sweetie? We went on a nice hike today, didn't we?

Huh? Yes, we did. All right, get out of here. So anyways, yeah, and then that whole fucking thing is just null and void. We have all this extra power actually did create a bunch of jobs. The only thing I don't know is the way it looks, it doesn't seem like it's a smooth ride. It just seems like the whole time you'd be going like over these fucking things.

I have no idea, but just check it out. And I swear to God, because this is something that I don't know if it is, if it does work, if it does fucking work, it could benefit everybody. Conservatives, liberals, independence, everyone who wouldn't benefit from all of this energy. Oh, that's right. The people in power. Oh, how could I forget that? That's right.

How do you think that they're going to derail this if this actually becomes a movement? How will they somehow tie in terrorism, 9-11, liberals, fucking right wing conservatives, and just get the pot fucking stirring so everybody's screaming and yelling. It's going to be prohibitively expensive and babies will starve. They're going to do all of that shit. The only way this thing gets off the ground. If it works, if it works, is if people don't get sucked into those arguments and we all become one and we all pick up a hatchet and we start marching towards the bankers gated communities.

Okay, because the asphalt streets will have to run red with blue blood money before something wonderful like this will ever fucking happen. Because you are fucking with a century and a half of cash flow going to a small amount of people. That's what you're fucking with. And when you're fucking with something like that, that level of money, basically the money that gives the dollar power like the only thing gives the US dollar powers that oil barrels of oil are still measured in US dollars. Other than that, it's a fucking shit show.

So these guys are the guys behind all of that. It's them and the fucking bankers. And that's it. All right, the insurance companies like the Ted Kennedy or that fucking family. All right, but fucking Bobby and Jack. All right, actually the banks are fucking Joe Kennedy. All right, well shut up with the Kennedy shit. All right, so anyways, that's my thing.

Like this is a great fucking idea. If it works, if it works, it's a fucking great idea. Even if you just did a few roads, if you just did a few of them, each state just did like their main highway or whatever. If you just did that, I can't imagine the amount of money it would save. And on the less, oh man, it was incredible. The possibilities of it are incredible. I don't know if it works, but it is fucking incredible.

But the sad thing is the fact that whenever new stuff like this comes up, it all just turns into Obama, Bush, Republican, Democrat, blah, blah. Everybody's just yelling at each other and then it just fucking goes away. And then everybody turns on sports and that's what happens. So there you go. There's all off the grid, Billy. 15 minutes of crazy talk, but that makes sense to me. It makes sense to me, man.

Fuck, you know? We'd get this done if everybody wasn't so fucking liberal. All them liberals out there in Hollywood, right? I gotta tell you, I'm not just making fun of a stereotypical Southern guy, all right? Because having lived out here in Hollywood, these people are out of their fucking minds. They have fuck's news to the left.

They're out of their fucking minds. There's such fucking hypocrites where it's just like, you can say the most, I guess, racist isn't the word, because you can make fun of white people, rich white people. You can basically, you can be, you can use the exact fucking thing that they don't like being used on poor people against rich people and they fucking love it. You know?

You can suggest that people from the South are all fucking their sisters and they're slapping their knees and they're doing the wave in the crowd, all right? But if you suggest any homeless guy needs to get off his fucking ass, stop boozing and get a fucking job, then you're the devil. So, I mean, I don't know. Does that make any sense? Well, it shouldn't.

Isn't that why you listen to this podcast? It comes. Okay, solar panels. Last week, I talked about how I was thinking about maybe getting solar panels off my house, off my house, on my house. And I don't know if I want to go off the grid, but whatever. I sit here baking in the sun in this fucking house. I might as well get something out of it, right?

All right, so here we go. Hi, Bill. First off, huge fan of your comedy podcast. Thank you. I saw you perform Brian Regan. Oh, with Brian Regan Cubs comedy while that was a, that was a bucket list night for me to be able to perform with that guy. Show was absolutely hilarious.

Well, thank you and thank you from Brian Regan too. Anyway, regarding your question about solar, there is no solar power that is completely off the grid. You use all the energy that you can provide through solar and the rest that can't be provided by the sun, like at night or if it gets shady on your roof, the utility provides. This is called interconnection.

You save a ton of money and you use clean energy in the process. I work for a solar company. I promise this isn't a bullshit sales pitch and I managed the construction timeline. So I've learned a lot about this stuff. Here's a link to my company. I work for, we install a lot in LA and in Boston as well too. I think we're in like 12 different states.

Anyways, thanks to you for the awesome podcast. Hey, you know something about this solar shit? This, every person you talk to says something different. I watch people on YouTube make up a solar thing. What a solar thing, put up their solar panels, broke down how they worked and how you could get off the grid, but it was really, really, really fucking involved. This guy's digging a goddamn trench.

I can't even remember what the fuck was going on, but I'm just like, all right, I don't have room for a trench. All right, my little piece of property here. So I don't, you know, I got room for a hole. Does that work? I can't even remember what he was doing. They dug this trench and he stuffed like a fucking tarp in there. I don't even know what that,

I can't even tell you what was going on, but I will definitely, I'll definitely look into it. Um, hopefully I'll have more luck with you guys than the fucking cunts who put the roof on this house. Fucking assholes. I told you what they did, right? They put the roof on the house and then like the drain pipes because it's an old house, old stupid design

where the drain off was, it goes down into a pipe that actually goes into like a, I don't, I have like a, my attic is actually, you ever see seeing John Malkovich or being, being John Malkovich? Remember how they had that floor we had to walk around bent over? Like that's basically how much space there is between the ceiling on my top floor and then the roof. I don't even know what the purpose of it is.

All it is is just, it just traps air that gets heated up and causes my house to be hot. But anyways, that's what it is. So the drain off of the water on the roof goes into a pipe that goes in, into the fucking crawl space and then back out the front of the house and down the side. So you take water from the roof, you bring it into the house. It's inside a pipe, but nevertheless,

you bring it into the fucking house and God forbid that pipe bursts. Or you have some fucking moron who disconnects it when he's putting the new roof on and forgets to hook it back up and then tries to blame it on. Yeah, he blamed it on, oh, you know, the fucking old blah, blah, blah. And I'm just sitting there going, all right, this is at least a year in court. You know what?

Why don't you just get the fuck out of here? I'll just put in a goddamn claim, you cunt. That's what I did because I didn't want to go to court. So anyways, I'm hoping you're better than those guys. I mean, how couldn't you be? All right, here's my favorite one of this week. Solar roadways debunked. I got a note from my guy here.

Andrew says, a ton of people forwarded the same link as the one in the email below. I watched this so you don't have to. It's 30 minutes long. Basically, he bitches about cost, maintenance, and the efficiency of the perks advertised in the original video, like heating or paring the road. Yeah, I actually watched the first 10 minutes of it.

I'll save my opinion until I read this. Yo, Billy, the sunburn kid. I know you were pretty pumped up about solar roads. To be honest, so was I. But someone smart sat down and crunched some numbers and brought up points as to why solar roads are economically and technically not feasible. It's about 30 minutes long.

So if you got some time to kill in any airport, check it out. Well, you know what, sir? I watched the first 10 minutes of it. He didn't debunk them. He just brought up a bunch of questions. He's just like a road has to be durable. And I would have some questions about, I mean, they showed a tractor run over the tiles,

but it was a small tractor and they only did it once. I would like to see how these things hold up when it's wet out and you need water to run off. And he just brought up a bunch of fucking questions. He didn't debunk them. He did basically what he did. It's like 50% what you have to do. You can't have somebody just coming on.

Hey, these are brand new roads. Can I make them? Oh, okay. You think they're good? You think they're going to work? Okay. I mean, obviously you can't do that, but it's 50% that which is smart.

You got to ask the right questions. And then the other side is anytime you try to do something new, there's always people saying it's not going to work. You know? And this guy, in his half hour, I'm sure he brought up a number of things that would be a problem. It doesn't mean they can't work.

Okay. So I wouldn't say they were debunked. I would just say somebody asked a bunch of fucking questions. And rather than just when what he does is he just throws it out there. It's like, why don't you contact the people at the solar road who are trying to make the solar roads and actually get some answers

and get some fucking or maybe order some tiles and try to do some experiments yourself rather than wasting people's time with the half hour of questions and speculation. That's basically what it was. So I wouldn't say that it was debunked. But, you know, you throw up three pointers for a half an hour. Some of them are going to go in even if you suck.

So I'm sure a couple of his concerns were true. But, you know, I mean, look at electric cars. Since way back in the day, people, they suck. They're fucking up. Like people actually question the power of electricity. It powers the entire fucking city. It can light up a whole fucking city. And I get a Prius and my own mother,

my own mother is going, can it go up a hill? No, mom, I just got to get out and start walking. It's great for my weight. And look at that. They say, oh, they're underpowered and they're this and they're that. First of all, the Prius is not an electric car. It's not even a fucking 50% electric car.

It's like an 8% electric car. That's what it is. From like zero, I've told you this guy's for years, from zero to seven miles an hour, that car runs on electric power and then switches over to gas for the rest of the time. And if you drive with a lead foot, you're going to get maybe 25 miles a gallon.

But if you listen, if you listen to the engine, okay? And you don't stomp on the gas and drive like a fucking maniac and slam on the brakes, you can get, you know, I don't, I wouldn't say 40 miles a gallon. Yeah, you can get like 35, but it's great. Perfect car if you're living in the city. I absolutely love the fucking thing.

So anyway, so you had that. I bought that thing in October of 2007. And now, look at these Tesla cars. I actually rode in one of those the end of last year. Before I rode in case he's fucking trucked, Jesus Christ, which probably gets two feet to the gallon, especially the way he was driving it. Those Tesla cars are fucking amazing.

And you can drive from, last I checked from San Diego, all the way up to Vancouver. You know, they have recharge stations from San Diego, all the way up to Vancouver. And I think recently someone just drove one across the country. So it's not like that guy in the speculation video. I got to look that one up, or you should look it up or whatever.

But I'm actually leaning towards that fucking thing. I think it's bad ass you walk up to and you turn it on, like the door handles are flush against the car. And you walk up and things pop out. I'm sure other cars do that, but I never seen it, you know? It's cool to me. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is the Monday Morning Podcast

for Monday, June the 6th, 2009. And this is my last couple of days here in New York City. I can't wait to get back to Los Angeles, even though everybody fucking trashes that city. I've never lived in a city where so many people so openly just fucking trash it. You know what I mean? It's weird.

Hey, where do you live? Oh, I lived in St. Paul, Minnesota. Oh my God, that place sucks. Those people are so fucking phony. Yeah, have another contrived snowball fight. You know, I don't know, whatever. And people always, I love when people go to fucking LA, is they go down to fucking right on the sunset strip,

and then they fucking talk about how Hollywood and phony it is. Really? When you go to Georgia, do you go to Atlanta, or do you go to like fucking Macon, Georgia? And they be like, I can't believe how many, I can't believe how many rednecks there were there. Well, you fucking went to ground zero of it, you dumb fuck. I'm grumpy this week.

I'm grumpy this week because I don't want to be here anymore. I just realized that I don't want to be here anymore, which is great. This is my last day of shooting. I am having a great time when I am on the set. But when I am off the set, and I'm trying to figure out what the fuck I do in a city that I already lived in for 12 fucking years,

you know, when am I going to get another slice? Am I going to go to Central Park for the 90th millionth fucking time? 90 millionth fucking time is what I'm trying to say there. I was drinking yesterday in like the afternoon, you know, went in to watch the Red Sox, play the Mariners at some bar, and my buddy, he came in for the first three innings, and then he left, and I was like, you know what, I'm going to hang out.

And I just sort of just stayed there. And I had like five Heineken's in the middle of the day. Now, I know all you youngsters out there, like five Heineken's in the middle of the day. What are you, a fucking pussy? What did I say? It's all you got. I don't know what the age is,

but there becomes an age. Jesus Christ, look at that. I got like a fucking double chin. Look at myself in the mirror. That's when you know you've been boozing, if you got like a fucking two-day scruff, and all of a sudden, you got like that pelican chin.

What a fucking mess. I got to get out of here. That's the fucking point. So anyway, so I have like five beers, and who's that perf, you know, five beers is like that point where you don't think you're drunk, so you continue talking to people.

And I don't know, it just sucks. Drinking the middle of the day sucks, because you go through the whole fucking hangover. You know, usually when you just pass out at the end of the night, I mean, you sleep through most of your fucking hangover.

As opposed to this one where I came off, and I just sort of gradually came down, and I would nod off like a fucking old man, and then wake up back again, and just wake up back again. That doesn't even make any sense. I'd wake up again. I don't know, I'm all over the fucking place.

I want to get out of here. I've had it. Fucking had it. I've had it. So anyways, I went up to see some family over the fourth of July to celebrate the birthday of this country. And as I'm driving up,

I'm listening on the radio, and evidently I looked up the song on the internet. It's a Carrie Underwood song, who I don't know what she is. I'm guessing she's white, because it sounded country, and she had a little twang in her voice, but I don't want to piss off any Koreans out there.

She might have been Korean. It's a song called Before He Cheats. So I'm driving along, and you know, I'm driving my buddy's car. This is how I'm going to fucking defend myself, that I was on a radio station that was actually playing this, and I was just sort of clicking the, the pre-programmed radios,

fucking whatever. You know what I'm saying. I'm feeling like shit. Cut me some slack this week. So anyways, this song comes on, and this, this Carrie Underwood chick is sitting there singing this song, going, right now,

he's probably slow dancing, right now, and she's singing about her boyfriend. I got the lyrics right here. Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink, because she can't shoot whiskey. Right now, he's probably up behind her

with the pool stick, showing her how to shoot a combo. And then they go into the chorus, and she goes, and he don't know that I dug my keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats.

I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires. And all I could think was, why don't you just break up with them, you dumb cunt? You know what I mean? What are you going to do? You're going to do all this shit,

then he's going to get mad, and then what? You're going to make up after five days, and then you're going to blow them again? I hate this fucking song, and I'm going to tell you why, because I'm pretty sure it's a hit. It's on the radio, right?

I don't know. And what I love about this is, people will listen to this song, and they won't even question the rationale of what the fuck someone's doing in there, because so many people in life, myself included,

you play, you're like powerless in life. You just play the powerless card. You know? Just get out of the fucking relationship. I fucking hate this song. And this is one of these songs too, where fucking women all get together and they start singing,

I'm going to carve my teeth to the side of this car. You're all a bunch of dumb cunts, okay? You fucking stupid. Just break up with the guy. Just break up with them. Not even to mention the fact

that now you're going out there, and you're doing damage. I don't know. Is that a felony? That's not a felony. I don't know what it is, but it's just a classic thing, where a woman would listen to that song,

and at no point would she ever think, hey, maybe I could get arrested for this. I am damaging somebody's property. No, you got a fucking vagina. You can just go out in broad daylight. You don't even have to wear a fucking mask. Do you know what I would have to do if I wanted to go out

and go fuck up somebody's car? I would have to wait for, first of all, I'd have to make sure I had an alibi. It'd be like I was killing somebody. I had to make sure somebody could cover for me, and say that I was fucking somewhere, right? I had to put on some goddamn cat suit,

and a fucking mask, right? Like I'm in that dead president's movie. And all I would be able to get, I'd be able to get off one quick hit, right? One quick hit, unless I want to start carving it up like a pussy, right? But if I really was going to go out there and smash somebody's headlights,

I could hit one, and the second the car alarm goes off, I have to fucking take off, and then run home, get out of my little fucking cat suit, and then try to put on my pajamas. So when the cops show up, because you know they're going to find

some sort of fucking fingerprint, I got to act like I'm not out of breath, like I actually have been sitting there for fucking eight hours watching TV. I don't know, I just, I can't stand, you know, it just reminds me of when that movie, Fatal Attraction, came out, right? And the amount of women who would just sit there,

and you see that movie, huh? Yeah, that's what you get. That's what you get. You know, there's no thought of like, this bitch put a rabbit in boiling water. There's none of that. Women, they're out of their fucking minds. But that's not even the point of this.

My point of the Carrie Underwood song, it actually made me feel like a loser, because the amount of fucking times, I mean, I haven't gone out and fucked up somebody's car, but the amount of times, you know what is that song? Is that song, it's a powerless song. That's what the fuck it is.

And I went to the whole lyrics to see if she breaks up with them in the end, and there's sort of an ambiguous line in the end, where she goes, because the next time he cheats, oh, you know, it won't be on me. So that's sort of ambiguous, because it could mean because I broke up with them,

or it could be because he doesn't want to get his truck fucked up. So I don't know. You know, I just fucking annoys me. That song just annoyed the shit out of me. On both levels, where you got somebody, it's like, just break up with the guy. And your solution is, you know something,

if a girl ever fucking cheated on me, I would break up with them. I'm not saying I wouldn't flip out and give them a good fucking trashin' verbally, but I would never go and throw all their clothes out in the front lawn and burn them. You know? Why wouldn't I do that?

I don't know why. I think a lot of it has to do, because I'd be fucking worried I'd get arrested for damaging property. Why do women have an exemption from damaging property? I don't understand it. Of a woman sat there smashing up somebody's car in broad daylight, because the guy cheated on them,

people would be laughing. I would be laughing. Everyone, it's a comedy. It's just hilarious. But if the exact same scenario was going down and a guy did it, it'd be the classic, you know, the cops come and they put you in that little, you get tasered and they mush your face

into the fucking pavement. I don't know. I get it. Women have to carry a kid around in their goddamn stomach for nine months, but I don't think that gives you the right to go out and attack somebody's fiero. I really don't.

You know? So why don't you guys just fucking relax? All right? You bunch of goddamn psychos. You know, with your, I'm on my period excuse, so three weeks a month, you're out of your fucking mind. I think if a girl goes, even if you were cheating on a girl or on a woman, right,

and she fucks up your car, I really think you ought to be able to go up to her and give her a nice fucking two-piece combination to the goddamn fucking cabbage. What do you think about that? Right? Just fucking, just hook off on that fucking hair-teased head of lettuce on the top of her fucking shoulders.

Right? What would you go with? I'm really going to alienate a lot of my pants on this one. And I want you to know that most of this is not me advocating, punching a woman in the face. Most of this is I can't fucking sit in this stupid hotel room anymore. I can't fucking do it. I've had the goddamn do not disturb light on for like four days.

They probably think I overdosed in here. I'm really big on that. Don't clean up the room. Beat it, you know? You got to come in every three days and change the sheets, like I'm royalty. I change the sheets like fucking once every three weeks. Maybe.

That's only if that's only if they're white and I can tell how filthy they are. That's right. Wrinkle your nose up. You fucking pompous broads. That's how I love my life. Jesus, why am I attacking women? I don't know why.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, if you could punch a woman in the face, you allowed two punches. What would you go with? Okay. Would you go classic? Would you set up the overhand right with the jab? Would you actually waste a jab?

You know, waste a jab. Would you go, this is just evil. All right, I got to get off this fucking subject. I don't know. That song just annoyed me. I hate those fucking songs when women just just openly talk about how they're going to go out and destroy a guy's fucking property rather than break up with them.

You know, and it's considered some sort of justification. You know, rather than looking inward going, you know, maybe I'm a bad judge of character. What sort of qualities am I looking for in somebody? And I'll date that. I mean, didn't the fact that the guy had a souped up four-wheel drive truck, didn't that give it a, didn't that give it away on any fucking level?

Huh? In his, I mean, a souped up four-wheel drive truck, carry underwood, you dumb fucking, what else did he have? Huh? A fucking earring hanging down with a lightning bolt on the side of it. Ah, this fucking song stinks. This is one of the, you know, I hate this song.

This is, and I'm going to do my whole podcast on this fucking song. This is going to be one of those fucking songs when I'm on the road and I'm hating my life, you know, and I just don't want to go back to the hotel room and be lonely and I'm going to go out to a bar and that song is going to come on and fucking, four fucking twats with their ear piercing.

I'm singing and I'm drunk. High-pitched voices are going to start singing every fucking word of that song. Like they're like these fucking cunt badasses. Okay, and I'm done. All right, I'm done with that. I'm done with that fucking, oh Jesus Christ, that fucking song annoyed me.

What a fucking loser that carry underwood is, huh? Is that an anthem for all you broads out there? You know, I love about this is I'm really, like, I'm really taking the literally the dumbest demographic of women and I'm just fucking superimposing it over all women and I'm doing it on purpose because this is because I'm childish this week. I'm fucking in a bad mood and you know,

rather than doing some yoga and going out and getting a veggie omelet or whatever dumb shit you're supposed to do, would you look at my fucking face, this bloated booze face? Jesus Christ, what happened? I was, you know, my life was great. I came to New York going, okay, this is awesome. You know, living a dream here and I'm gonna eat right.

I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna work out every day and you know, I don't know what happened. Oh, I know what happened was the second day I got here was my birthday. So you got a drink on your birthday and then I just got the booze coursing through my veins and then it's just, it's just been,

it's just been, I can't even say drunk and debauchery. It's just been sort of sad old man. I've kind of been sitting there like Norm in Cheers if he didn't know anybody, you know, Cliff Clavin didn't come in and butcher his name with his bad Boston accent. Hey there, nom me, nom, it's Norm. Just take the R out.

If you want to do a Boston accent, that's what you do. You just take the R out. Everything doesn't become an A. I know I've mentioned that before, but you know, the deal is people in North Dakota, I went there Fargo and I brought up that movie and they were just like, dude, we don't fucking talk like that.

That movie was annoying. But everyone else thought it was hilarious because how many of us have ever been to Fargo, North Dakota? And the same thing with Cheers. You know, everybody thinks, oh, that's how they say Norm. They say nom me. No, they don't, they say Norm. All right, does this make any fucking sense?

This is just like, I am like, I'm just cunt of the week right now. What else did I want to talk about? Did I do anything this week? I don't think I did anything. I started to read a book. I was reading a book on the mob. Why don't I just start reading some shit?

Because I'm actually, this is my last day of shooting and I'm excited. I'm really excited about this scene because I have the most lines of any scene, you know? And any scene that I've been in. Which means I have 1.5. No, kidding. I actually got like two or three lines,

which is going to be cool. And I'm really excited to do this shit. But I got to get this fucking podcast out of the way. Can you tell I'm scrolling down? All right, here's what I got. This is a dude in England who always fucking emails me. And I guess he was sick of me not reading his questions or whatever. So in the title, whatever you call it, the subject line,

he said, read this, you fucking cunt. So of course I have to open it. And he said, sorry, you're not a cunt. I just need to get your attention. All right. Hey, Bill, Dynamite podcast this week, or should I say last week? Well, because it's Wednesday.

And oh, look, no Monday morning podcast because I was really looking forward to hearing you talk about your dog for 40 minutes again. Dude, we get it. You have a dog. No one cares. Be funnier. That's my main point.

Also rename the podcast. Bill Burr speaks for 40 minutes because for a start, it's hardly ever out on a Monday. And also you do ramble aimlessly. It's called a podcast you fucking moron. What do you think a podcast is? Are there a bunch of podcasts out there where people aren't babbling aimlessly?

Podcasts are basically fucking radio shows for people who weren't good enough to be on the fucking radio. So I don't know what level of quality you're looking for here, but you really need to lower your standards. All right. And who the fuck says Dynamite? Are they still saying that over there?

Did you guys just get good times? All right, here we go. Let's continue here. Um, anyways, I'm not trying to trash you because sometimes it's great. Oh, that's cool. I'm glad sometimes it's great. I just think Bill Burr speaks for 40 minutes

is a better title. Take or leave my advice. But my main point, stop talking about the dog. It kills me. I fast forward when, when, uh, when you do, nobody cares about your fucking dog. But apart from that, the show is great and I love your work.

One quick question. Um, I can see how it'd be annoying if I was talking to my dog. I know there's a bunch of animal lovers right now. Listen, it's going, no, I really enjoy it. Um, fuck you, dude. I love my dog. All right.

Why don't you go get some fish and chips and not brush your teeth or whatever other hacky fucking thing you guys do over there? Huh? Did you eat a pork chop for breakfast? Yeah, man. God, I'm trying to think the last good-looking person

that came from England. Pete Townsend with that warp nose. Was there anybody good-looking? Even what's his face? Roger Daltrey, who was in shape, but his face is just, it's just beat, just beat down, man. He's just weathered,

weathered fucking people over there. Um, I can't, I don't think I've ever remembered that anybody ever saying they met some hot chick in England. I've heard it, you know, you go to France, you go to Sweden, you know, you go to Spain, right? You go to Puerto Rico.

There's all kinds of fucking hot women. You go to England. Dude, look at the royal family. Actually, Princess Diana was kind of hot, but she had weird fucking hands and feet. She looked like she was part lizard. She looked like a beautiful lizard. That's what she, that's what she looked like.

And Prince Charles looks like, um, ah, you know what? I don't have the fucking medical background to talk about how inbred that guy is. You know what I mean? But he just basically, I don't know. I don't know what he has. He has one of whatever the fuck he has,

and it's all the same coursing through his fucking body. Whatever, if a regular mutt human being has, ah, just shut up, Bill. You're too fucking stupid to go through with this. All right, one quick question, Bill. How long did it take to crack the standup scene? I mean, when you started getting decent money and radio spots, um, let's see.

Well, it took me three and a half years before I quit my day job, but I was living at home, and I saved every dime that I made from work that I could. And I also saved every dime that I was making from, um, standup. And I basically saved up 10 grand, which believe it or not, you can do if you don't run out and buy every new fucking iPhone,

iPod, and all the laptops, and all that shit. I didn't do any of that. I just dressed like Malcolm Young in AC DC, jeans and t-shirt. I had a fucking, I had this old pickup truck that I used to drive, two-wheel drive, one of the little ones. And I drove that until it fucking died.

And I was at this critical point where I was only a year into my standup career and I needed a reliable car, but I also didn't want to be chained to my job by buying a new car, which is the dumbest fucking thing you can do if you're in your 20s and you got some job and it's not your business,

it's not your own business, and you know you want to leave it at some point. The dumbest fucking thing you can do is go out and buy a brand new car. You just change yourself to your desk. I know I've said this before, but it's like that. You remember in a Bronx tale,

when those bikers are acting like assholes and they ask them to leave and they don't leave and then they fucking put the thing on the door and then Chaz Palma Terry goes, now you can't leave. You're doing the financial equivalent of that scene when you go out and buy a brand new fucking car. First of all, you can't afford a good car.

You're just going to get some generic fucking $20,000, $25,000 stupid ass fucking car. And it's going to change you to your desk. So long story short, what I did was instead of buying a new car was I just, I had a new engine put in my truck and everybody, all the fucking people at work told me that's a dumbest thing.

Dude, what do you need? What the fuck were you fucking? It really cost me 50, at the time. It cost about $1,500 to get the whole thing done, right? As opposed to having a $15,000 car loan. I had the fucking engine paid off, you know, in about four or five months. Then I had no car payment again

and I could use that to put towards my nest egg. And my idea when I went down to New York was I was going to get a day job. But, you know, I waited a couple of weeks before I started looking and I started doing stand up. And then I got a couple of gigs and they were on the road so I couldn't get a day job. And believe me, my 10 grand was fucking

going down, down, down, down, down. But it bought me enough fucking time where I could, I could get in with the clubs, start getting gigs. And what ended up happening? I think I went all the way down to like fucking 2,500 bucks. And I think that's when I started booking shit. That's what happened. Then I started booking shit and I was able to sustain.

It didn't dip below 2,500, but it didn't really get above three grand either. I got to that point where I could basically pay my bills. And that's also back when somebody told me about, you know, paying off your fucking credit cards every month so you don't get fucked on the interest. I started doing that. And I basically ate spaghetti like every fucking night.

Pasta's a really cheap meal. It fills you up. I told you about this shit before. And when I went on the road, I would go to Denny's or the International House of Pancakes and I'd get the large stack of pancakes in the morning. I'd get the five stacks and they would sit in my stomach like fucking cement.

And I could literally go from like 8 in the morning to 8 at night without eating. And, you know, I'd drive my little rented fucking dodge neon to some college gig. There you go. When you get a college gig, that's a big thing. So about three and a half years. All right?

I'm sorry, dude. Was that fucking boring? I know I didn't talk about my dog. And, dude, I am just breaking your balls. Sometimes people give me shit and I give him shit back and people think I'm serious. I really don't give a fuck. All right.

Now here's his overrated, underrated list. Overrated, Bill Burr's dog. No one cares. Bruce Springsteen, bloated, overrated stadium rocker. Barack Obama. He can't hide behind the black forever. The economy is still fucked. Jesus Christ, dude.

Did you even proofread this? He can't hide behind the black forever. The economy is still fucked. Dude, I don't know if you fucking noticed, but we had a war for a good fucking seven years to the tune of a billion dollars a month. And bankers loaned out money to homeless people. And we had to bail them out.

So I think I don't give a shit who the fuck is behind the black forever. And we had to bail them out. So I think I don't give a shit who the fuck you are. Republican, Democrat, liberal, conservative, fucking independent, you're not getting us out of this. Which is why I am going to Sweden. I have a gig coming up in Sweden in the end of August.

I'm going to start doing Australia once a year. This talks about me going to Dublin. These fucking overseas gigs are very hard to get. You know, shit usually ends up falling out. But that's my thing. If these corporations are going global, I'm going global too. I don't give a fuck. I'll be the goddamn James Bond to comedy.

James Bond, I don't know, international man of jokes. Underrated, Arctic Monkeys. It's a great British band from Sheffield, England. Cocaine, brilliant song by Eric Clapton. Dude, you must be young. Okay, that song's great the first 40,000 times you hear it. But underrated, football slash soccer. Easily the best sport ever, hands down.

You know what? I wouldn't argue that. I wouldn't argue that. Because if you watch American soccer, it sucks like an American team versus an American team. But if you watch that overseas shit, where people fucking die and people get trampled and crushed to death, and then they go on YouTube

and talk about how dumb Americans are. You know, you'd think with those awful English teeth, you could eat your way through the fence when you're getting crushed up against it. So people in England even have bad teeth. There was my entire fucking understanding of England. Basically three Austin Power movies. All right, probably is.

All right, let's talk about grenades again this week. I asked somebody, when you throw a grenade, how long do you have before the fucking thing goes off? And it said, Bill, three to four seconds sounds about right. I'm still amazed at that crazy son of a bitch who was filming, didn't use a tripod or some shit. Oh yeah, if you guys want to see what a fucking grenade does, go on YouTube, look up Grenade and Washing Machine.

I believe that's what you search. Some army guy, because I asked last week, you know, whenever you see those army movies, somebody dives on a fucking grenade, and saves the life of his comrades. I don't know, there's conflicting advice that I got on this shit. You know what, dude?

I'm fucking losing it right now. This podcast is quickly spinning out of control, because I haven't eaten yet, and I have an early pickup today, and if I don't do it now, it's not going to be coming out on Monday. So I don't know, I'm just going to start reading shit here. All right, if you want to talk about weaponry,

what is the question I asked last week? Oh, I asked if there's any people in the military, if they had any combat stories, because I was talking about, you know, whenever you fantasize about going to war, you always picture yourself doing some Rambo shit. But in the back of your head, you know, that there's a strong possibility

that you might be that fucking dude who when the shit goes down, you can't move, you freeze, or you're fucking balled up in the fetal position, crying, you know? I heard a story one time, is sometimes in battle, people just stand up, they can't deal with it anymore, and they just kill themselves.

Granted, I heard that from my high school teacher who's teaching the English, and he had never been to war, you know? So that's probably bullshit. Anyway, so here's a guy who actually went to combat. He said, Bill, you asked in your podcast about the first time you're outside the wire, which is military jargon for leaving protected base

in Iraq or Afghanistan. And this dude said, I was absolutely terrified for the first couple of weeks, but the trick is that you can't let anybody around you know that you're scared, because you don't want to look like a pussy. The rules of engagement are strict. We were ordered to not shoot back

unless we could see who was shooting at us. Is that true? You couldn't shoot back unless you saw who was shooting back at you, dude. I would break that rule. If I wasn't on the ground, crying in the fetal position, going, oh my God, this shoot matters.

I don't want to do this. If I could actually get past that, I would be definitely shooting in the general fucking direction of wherever it was. Dude, fuck that. Fuck that. This war is different from other wars insofar as we are fighting right in the middle

of where normal people lived, and we tried hard not to kill any of them. You know what? I'm not a student of military history, but I think most wars are kind of where people are at. I think back in the revolutionary days, that you would go out and stand in a line out in a field or even in the Civil War.

But I know they had the front in World War I, but at some point when you're kicking the other team's ass, you end up in their backyard, because a lot of them don't just give up. Like, well, you beat us on our field. We wouldn't want to go into this town and hide amongst the civilians. You know?

Am I wrong there? I don't know if I'm wrong. How does Dresden happen if, you know? I don't know. Well, I don't fucking know. Dude, I'm out of it. Let's just get to the fucking questions for the week and I can gradually fucking bail out of this thing.

Okay, overrated, underrated. Bill, people bitch about the gas prices are, I guess, overrated. Bill, people bitch about the greedy oil companies whenever there are high gas prices and also about how there are no alternative energy options for transportation. What they don't seem to understand

is that no sane entrepreneur is going to invest a dime in developing alternative energy until gas gets to $10 a gallon and people are converting their vacuum cleaners into segues to get to work. We can either have one or the other. Dude, it's not quite as simplistic as that. Yeah, there definitely has to be some sort of outrage

from the people, but you know what? Rather than get into fucking details, look up a guy, Stan Mayer, M-E-Y-E-R. This guy actually came up with a car that ran on water, rainwater, freshwater, saltwater. It did make a fucking difference and he basically figured out a way where you could get across the country 14 and a half gallons.

And the dumb fuck told people about it, went to the news, they announced it on, we played it on the Open Anthony show. They talked about it on the news and then they said that there was somebody from the Pentagon who was so excited they sent a Lieutenant Colonel out there to check out his device.

Basically what happens is when you come up with some shit like that is they go out there and they sort of tell you that it's very wise for you to buy, to sell them the patent of it. You know, and then if you don't play ball, you mysteriously die four or five years later and your invention disappears. Stan Mayer, look it up, that's what the fuck happens.

All right, dude, I've always used the iPod. I used to do a bit about this shit. You're telling me basically that I can have my entire fucking record collection, you know, 8,000 fucking songs in my pocket, but they can't come up with a car, they can't do better with the gas mileage, dude, it's all bullshit.

What you basically have at the top is you have the robber baron, blue blood families, and some of the underworld guys who went legitimate and the government is middle management for these motherfuckers and the guys at the top, they run everything. Banks are at the top and then the blue blood guys, I think,

the corporations are the next level and then it's the politicians, okay? And this is coming from a completely uninformed jackass. Fuck that, I've read a couple of books, but I think that that's what's going on. That's what's going on. And you know, I don't know how you can invent shit nowadays and actually get it out to the public.

You have to basically be working for a corporation that has the money to put it out there. So then basically they own it. You know what I mean? I guess you could kind of try and be the Tyler Perry of fucking inventing shit. You know what? Can I just tap out of this fucking podcast?

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. I'm fucking on the road. I'm lonely. I want to see my fucking dog. I want to get back to my girl. I want to get back to my fucking life. And I want to do a good job today on set so I don't fuck this thing up

because I've had a great goddamn time. And I fly back in a couple of days, in a couple of fucking days, and I'm really looking forward to it. Oh, did I tell you guys? I bought the hangover when I was drunk in the bar. I bought the hangover of some fucking, I don't know, 50-year-old Asian woman came walking in.

You know? It was great. It was like fucking portable blockbuster video. And I bought the hangover for five bucks. Great bootleg copy. Only a couple of times did somebody stand up and walk by. Do you guys, you know, that's the great thing about living in New York

is all the bootleg movies that you can fucking buy. And basically, someone just goes into the movie theater with a video camera and they just film the screen. And it's great because you can hear other people laughing. It's kind of like Mystery Science Theater. And then somebody kind of adjusts their seat in front and all of a sudden you see somebody's head and you're trying to look around it, you know?

Or somebody just gets up in the middle and starts walking down the row. And it's funny to me. But actually, I saw it, man. It was all right. It was fucking all right, I guess. Five bucks, can you complain? Can you complain?

I wish I met this lady at the beginning of my fucking trip out here. I would have had, I would have bought like 58 of them. Yeah, so next time you're in New York, all right, and that cute little Asian lady comes walking in. Go ahead. Am I really doing this?

Am I advocating the stealing of shit? I think it's over anyways. People send me emails. Hey, I listened to all your running forums. I downloaded them for free. Sorry. They always got to tell you that they got your shit for free and then they say sorry.

You know what I mean? I pay for my music because you're fucking cunts. Pay for my comedy. All right, whatever. That's the end of this podcast. I'm literally dizzy right now. The fuck am I hyping? All right, next week I go back to my life

as a stand-up comedian. I'm going to be at the punchline in San Francisco on Monday, July the 13th, and I'm doing two shows, and it's going to be just like the last time where I'm going to try to do as little material from my act as humanly possible, and I'm just going to tell you some fucked up stories. From my childhood, from my dating life to whatever.

And then the following week, I'm going to be at the comedy works in Denver, Colorado. That's the 23rd, 24th, and 25th, and then I believe I'm gearing up to do another special. So I'm going to be on the road pretty much right through August, September, October, November, and December. I'm pretty much going to be doing three out of four weeks on the road, and I'm going to be getting this fucking special together,

and hopefully I will be shooting it in San Francisco. That is the goal, to shoot it in San Francisco and to have a very funny memorable special. That's what the fuck I want to do, and the stress of it is already starting to hit me because, I don't know, you know, you don't want it to suck. You don't want it to suck. The reality is, is I wish I had another fucking six months,

just because I'm lazy, but I know if it's bullshit. All right, I'm just, I'm just really, I'm babbling. I need nourishment. I need to stop drinking, and I need to go downstairs under the treadmill and somehow get some of this fucking booze weight out of my goddamn chin. All right, that's it. That's the Monday Morning Podcast. If I had to critique this podcast,

I would say it was like when Evil Can Evil tried to jump the Snake River. And that rocket, you know, where it started off fast and you thought I was going to fuck him. That's what I did. You know what happened to this podcast? The fucking parachute came out halfway through it. And then I just slowly went down towards the Snake River. And I actually have a bloody nose right now,

just like Evil Can Evil. All right, I'm going to go get some eggs. God bless you. Hope to see you in, if you live anywhere near San Francisco. Hope to see you out at my gig. And please keep the questions coming. Next week, I'm going to give you a great podcast because I'll be back in my home life

and I'll be eating right and I won't be drinking. And brace yourself, douchebag from England. I'm probably going to be talking about how excited I am to see my fucking dog. All right, that's it. Everybody have a good week. I'll talk to you next week.