Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-6-23

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

Bill rambles about RFK Jr., 'We Didn't Start The Fire', and Tom Cruise. SimpliSafe: Listeners get a special 20% off any SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at www.SIMPLISAFE.com/burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha came to New York. I really, I actually was just like, you know, I could live back here. I like this. This is fucking nice. Now, came back with this fucking bullshit. I don't know what happened to my, I used to stay in this part of the city all the time. I can't even tell you how many fucking rats were running down the street. The amount of goddamn fucking people that go, dude, what's going on in LA? Because all they show in LA is a bunch of homeless people stabbing each other. I'm not saying that isn't happening. But that is not indicative of what goes on when you walk down the fucking street. They immediately go to downtown LA, they immediately go to the worst thing. I'm just on a random fucking street, dude. The streets were alive with the sounds of rats running down the fucking street.

Like, the only thing that was missing was that fucking jerk off with the flute, walking them out of town into the East River or something. I was hanging out with my buddy last night, right? I was on fucking West Coast time. We were sitting in this little park that I used to sit in all the time. Not even there was a more of like a Ted concrete, but you know, it was a place where they actually put benches and they actually let you sit down,

one of those places. And there was so many fucking rats on the goddamn sidewalk. I mean, granted the trash was out, but I lived in this neighborhood back in the day. There was nothing like this. Like, even the crazy homeless people were fucking walking down the middle of the street.

They were yelling at the rats, but they were like, I am not fucking, I'm not going anywhere near those things. I don't know. Kind of, I like, you know, it's a good thing, liking where you're at. So anyway, I am, I like, you know, it's a good thing. Liking where you're at. So anyway, I got a show tonight in Allentown. I was in the Billy Joe one, right?

And he's in any place, you go in Pennsylvania, you know. There's some sort of rust belt that guy wrote a song about it, you know. I know that's in Philadelphia, whatever. I'm gonna grumpy fucking move, because I forgot today was Thursday, and I already did a podcast for somebody else, and I thought my podcasting was over. I also not had a cup of coffee, right?

So, I mean, I'm kind of losing it with this, you know, the first 10 days of every fucking month. I fucked it up last month because it was my birthday. I was like, ah, you know, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I did well for like five days. I started on June 30th. Then July 4th, I'm like, what am I? Who am I? You know, some guy with fucking freckles on his balls. I'm not gonna uh You know smoke a cigar on the july on the on the july 4th on july 4th so I did that and Then I came to the city last night and I hit up a buddy of mine and I sat in a rat infested fucking block and

Smoked another one now. I'm just like what am I doing? Then I'm walking around, what am I doing? Then I'm walking around out there in the heat, trying to find a cigar and it's fucking hilarious. Like nobody sells cigars, but everybody sells vapes, weed, and whatever else they got going on in there. It's kind of funny those weed and vape stores. I don't get like, why is it like so? Why do they come with the Tokyo vibe?

You know, you ever see like pictures of Tokyo? Like looks amazing, like it looks like Times Square, you know? But these fucking, you know, but it makes sense because everywhere over there, at least the pictures I've seen, is kind of what this, this city looks like. So it, I'm gonna use this word. It fits in with the aesthetic.

Woo! That's a fucking $18 word right there. It fits in with the aesthetic. These fucking weed vape stores, they're just next to these bland things. And then they just got like these, all these just, it's like a fucking tropical fish tag.

Like, come on in and get your drugs, man. So we kept going into those places. You got these cigars and I said, yeah, but they had the ones that the kids buy and take the tobacco out and make a blunt out of it. Which, you know, people say this younger generation doesn't want to work, but you know, when these younger

kids could easily buy a pre-rolled joint and they're still taking the time, buy a bad cigar, crack it open and I still don't quite understand how that works. I've watched people do it, but I just feel like once you break the leaf, like how do you get it back together? And then it's just like oh, you just I just sort of lick all up and down the fucking shaft It's great and then what I'm gonna smoke that day fucking it. No Let me get the pre-rolled one That the AI robot fucking licked on with it's with it's fake tongue with the synthetic saliva with its fake tongue, with the synthetic saliva.

Anyway, somebody sent me this piece on Robert Kennedy Jr. The left is already depicting him as a conspiracy theorist lunatic. So you know what that means. That means he's good for the people he's not good for the banks and the fucking the war guys you know

like i don't they do this at the democrats do this every fucking election and they they're gonna fucking do you know do a big hit piece on him they're gonna fucking trash them they're gonna ignore the fact that the guy works for a non-profit and fucking holds corporations accountable for polluting the water. They're gonna ignore all of that shit, they're gonna go the other guy's out of his mind. He's in the shape shifters. No, he's saying...

He's in the saying that he doesn't believe the Warren commission. I mean, that's not too fucking crazy, is it? He doesn't believe. Sir Anne, Sir Anne acted alone. I can get with that. I love out. He's a conspiracy terrorist, but I can just because I'm not running for office, I can say the NBA is fixed, but people don't walk around, you know, right now, you know, they'll trash my comedy, but they don't say I'm a conspiracy theory lunatic, theorist lunatic or whatever. They always fucking do this.

Anytime there's somebody for the, you know, I'm not saying who's the best guy or whatever, but like I love when they do that. You know, and look, you expect it from the right, cause this guy's a lefty, but when the left is doing it, that's when you're like ah So you don't want me to pick him I See what's going on here. I see what's going to so I'm gonna pick that guy

All right, cuz I'm a rebel, you know, I just bought a new black leather jacket and I'm gonna put the collar up and I don't give a fuck that it's the hottest July 4th In modern history, whatever the fuck they said all that scary shit. We're gonna figure it out. We're gonna figure it out. Somehow, that's what you gotta keep saying to yourself. We're gonna figure this shit out by staying the course and acting like everything's okay. And then when we can no longer deny that everything

is not okay, we will then waste time blaming each other. All right and then Billy Joel will write a song called We Didn't Start the Fire and then then that's it and we'll just move forward. Sorry I'm a little heat exhausted here. Um, anyway, I'm really looking forward to these shows. I read this book. I gotta tell you guys, I've been once in a while, you know, I read a book, and when I read a book, I never shut up about it, do I? Because I'm so proud of myself that I actually fucking read a book.

I'd be more proud of myself if I could find my little backpack, my pack for backing. Though it was literally, it was next to me on the Daven port here. I'm stirring into my age using old people words. Get your feet off the Daven port and look at you. Look at you. Go put on some clean clothes. You got stuff all over your trousers. What the fuck is the goddamn book? You motherfucker, it's man's search for meaning, I think. Victor Frankl. So it was about this doctor, Jewish guy. The guy survives for concentration camps and Then finds meaning in his suffering In order to be able to move forward through some of the quotes in this fucking book

He said there's only two races of men Decent men and not decent men and every group Has both so there's no such thing as a pure race. And he also said, no man has the right to hurt another man, even if he was hurt. Just shit like that. It's just like Jesus Christ. I never looked at it that way. I approached the world as a sports fan. But he finds purpose and suffering and all that. It was fucking amazing. Uplifting book. And a quick book. It's only like 150 pages, right?

So, you know, that's right out my alley. You know, my only complaint to book not enough pictures. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha world. It's four days more than me. And then those other ones he wasn't. It's like it had to be the most county fucking thing I ever read. Well he wasn't announced it really. It's just like, are you what are you fucking mind? The guy lost his wife. The love of his fucking life. He was tortured. He wasn't fed and all that. He figured out a fucking way how to survive it. You gonna fucking nitpick that? Unreal, man. Isn't unreal, I guess it isn't.

I guess there's always gonna be that. Comic has a great special, there'll be some, he's not that funny. All he's doing is this. You know, I guess I get that with the pettiness of show business or whatever, and even politics. But you gotta think, you know, if you went to numerous concentration camps, people wouldn't nitpick your fucking stats. This other guy goes, actually, the real hero of the book is actually him. I'm not gonna lie to you.

After a while towards the end of the scene, this guy's kinda gassing up his new, he came up with this new fucking therapy. So he was definitely selling it, but you know, I'm selling my bullshit, right? We all are. You know, he like I dragged, you know? House bitch, fucking something, something, something, you know. Billy Joel can write a song about it. Sorry, I was just in a car and that song came up.

Has the funniest lyric I've ever heard. Trouble in the Suez. It doesn't really rhyme with anything. And I've always been meaning to look up what the Trouble in the Suez. That's one of those songs that people who aren't baby boomers fucking can't stand, because it sounds like baby boomers whining And then when you go to the video, it's only baby boomers watching the song and they're all just sitting there going like oh my god

Like Billy Joel could give like a fucking history lesson. It's just like he's not giving a history lesson If I just say watergate I can say watergate World War two the industrial revolution, I've been said, fucking anything about him, have I? I can't come at Billy Joe, he seems like he went to some school like me. All right, so I got a stick, he didn't work, come on, pass him.

Billy, are you riffing about a Billy Joe song from fucking 34 years ago? Yes, I am. I live in 1989. It's my safe space. That's where I live my best life. That was another thing I got out of the book, too, was he was talking about how finding true happiness is, you know, it's basically the opposite of what they're selling us.

I know this is really old and really fucking hacky, but you just, I see it all the time on, like Instagram and I give into it, you know what I mean? Like, oh, look at that car, man. Wish I had that car. What if I was in that car? And I was driving down the street. People saw me in that car. Would they think, wow, look at that old bald orange man in that car. That of all the old bald orange man out there, he's probably got to be the coolest old bald orange man coming down the fucking street. I give into that shit.

And he was just talking about, you know, the purpose of a man is to help other people and ease their pain. And it gets you out of your own bullshit and you're able to fucking move forward. And however you choose to do that, it was pretty profound. At least for me it was. You know, I'm sure somebody's going to write in and fucking break my balls about it. You know, actually, you know that guy, you know, that was come up with something, either sexual or stealing money.

Anyway, all I know is that guy was skin and bones coming out of a concentration camp and he still lived to be 92 and he takes you through... Did I even already talk about this? That's the catchphrase on this podcast and I already talked about this. He takes you through the three levels of going to a concentration camp. The first was the disbelief that you were there. Then he's settling in the numbness of it. And then the disbelief, I guess,

when you're free, slash the guilt, when you don't really feel joy, because you've lost the ability, you've so numbed yourself to feeling anything just so you can survive. You've so numbed yourself to feeling anything just so you can survive. I don't know. Ah, cheese. Now they're making me feel like the guy I was saying he was, he was kind of being the hero of the book because they get out of the concentration camp

and he's walking with this other prisoner and they get to this farm and the guy's just trouncing the crops, walking across them and the author's going, hey, hey, don't step on that. So he's like, why not fuck do I give a fuck about this shit? Ha, ha, ha, ha. You know, I just said four fucking years of my life taking away.

I lost all my fucking relatives. You can give a fuck about these snowpeaks. And then they authors like, hey man, like, you know, these snowpeaks, you know, somebody planted these and blew, somehow he was able to maintain his dignity in it. And even if he exaggerated, it was very, very uplifting book. And those uplifting books that they're fun to read, but then it's hard to apply it in life. You know what I mean? Because you just sit there and you walk down the street and then you got this goofy smile on your face and then the person walking towards you think there's something wrong with you. You know you can kind of have to be a little guarded. You can't be walking around

like, hey how are you people start looking at you like I'm good what what's your fucking deal? Like what do you want? What are you trying to sell me? Nothing at all. I just read an inspirational book. Well, that's good. Why don't you take that book and shove it up your fucking ass? All right. And back to reality. Evidently, we are back outside again. So anyway, I got Alan Town tonight. Say goodbye to Alan Town or whatever the fuck he sings. Alan Town, Gettysburg, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Lake Eerie, Buffalo, fucking Rochester. I fucking ate my balls at every comedy club in the fucking East Coast. I'd be funny to fucking sing that song just name in all the clubs you bombed at.

Go bananas, carer lines, rascals, dress back three. Comic strip, fucking cellar, Boston comedy. Bill, are you losing your mind by yourself? Yes, I am. I am because as much as I'm shitting on New York, I do fucking love it. And I do miss it. And this little hotel, boutique, boutique, boutique hotel that I'm staying at, if they

had a rooftop deck right now, I would go up there. I would go up there, and I would look at the city, and I don't know what it is, so the city is still exciting to me to be here and be like, you know what? This is fucking amazing that I'm here. And then a rat runs across your foot, and you're like, I gotta get the fuck outta here.

This is like a bad 80s jokes, but there was so many fucking rats last night I was like relieved to see a roach. I was hanging out with Josh Adam Mayus and I was like that fucking roach is the most comforting thing I've seen in the last 40 minutes. Like dude I swear to God when the shit hits the fan New Yorkers are not gonna starve. There are enough fucking rats, fat fucking rats. These rats are fucking living. I was so fucking annoyed with the amount of rats on the street that was actually one in this box with this stupid gray furry ass up in the air.

And I fucking kicked the box and another one ran out right by my leg and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? I had high tops on. Oh man, I would just love to go down the street with a fucking BB gun with CO2 and just like, that's what they need to do. But people aren't responsible enough. Like, that's with all these guys that play fucking paint gun. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? I had high tops on.

Oh man, I would just love to go down the street with a fucking BB gun with CO2 and just like that's what they need to do but people aren't responsible enough. Like that's with all these guys that play fucking paint gun. You know, you bring them in there, you pay them a nominal fee per hundred rats that they fucking kill. Oh, they would have a fucking ball. They get to dress up like army guys and pretend they're in special forces and then you send them down the fucking subway tracks and they feel like they're in Delta Force.

You get those fucking guns down on Wall Street to do that. They'd be down there with their manicured fucking nails. You know, with like probably equipment even better, you know, than what the fucking Navy seals have because, you know, they're clients of the fucking illuminati. Oh, jeez Bill, you're just going all over the place with this, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, I think I am.

I think I is. And just having fucking, just kill a bunch of them. Don't kill all of them because they must serve a purpose. You know what I mean? They are a part of nature, but they are fucking there. You know, they're running wild this Saturday night. Um, so anyway, I got, I got two new fucking bits, two new ideas, two new ideas that I wanna fucking try.

And I'm gonna see how I'm doing tonight. Like if I get on stage and I'm feeling it, you know, if the fucking knock knock jokes are flowing through me, I am 100% going to, I'm gonna try it, but if it isn't, if it's feeling a little tight, you know, like Tom Cruise, that's no good, it's no good. Fucking shoot the goddamn guide, Tom. Look at Tom Cruise again, again, he's got another one.

Another one. Wait, is he our country's Jackie Chan, as far as like doing stunts? But I feel like Jackie Chan was always getting hurt. You know what I mean? Like breaking his ankle and then fucking rubbing his forehead and shit. Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan took some fucking bumps.

But Tom Cruise, you see that fucking picture of him sitting on just sitting on top of that building? That smile on his face like he's on a park bench, feeding pigeons. It's it's unbelievable It's fucking unbelievable There's no way that guy has life insurance this is no fucking way Or what is his premium?

You know what I mean? So what do you like to do? My own stunts? Could you describe them? Well, this next movie they're gonna duct tape me to the side of an airplane and it's gonna take off and fly the pattern. Oh yeah? Is that it? No? I'm also gonna learn how to fly an A star knows it down. knows it down. I feel like he does like a red bull stun every fucking movie now. It's fantastic. And dare I say, the man is single handedly saving like people going out to the movies.

Top Gun now he's got like fucking Mission Impossible Park 19 coming out like you're not gonna go see that you're gonna go see that Fuck I gotta go down my rides here to go to Alan town. I'll finish this in Alan town All right, I'm back. I'm not waiting till Alan town Gonna finish this. I just figured out they did have actually roof access and I'm sitting here up on the roof Didn't bring my sunglasses so I might sneeze a couple times that Christ who broke this table Can't have anything nice Somebody breaks it. They don't fucking say anything. They don't give a fuck What if you set something bill I'd like to think I would

Oh you the hero with this novel bill are you the guy saying don't step on the snow peas fuck it's bright out here so weird part of the city a bunch of new shit hang on that's gonna get me kicked off sir if there's no snoozing up here. Anyway, I kind of forgot I had to do a podcast today because I went up and I did a Chaz Paul Matari's podcast. It was an absolute thrill to meet him. Got to talk to him. I was so amazed that I was actually honest thing that I didn't ask him enough questions about, uh, a Bronx tale. The only thing I talked about was I talked about how much I love

that bus that Robert De Niro was driving, because it had all those fucking extra windows, and how they don't build shit like that anymore. Out of all the fucking things I could have asked him. That's what I asked him. You know? That movie still has one of my favorite cars of all fucking time. It was a 66 or a 67 Cadillac Coupe de Ville with the forehead lights, you know. Two on each side stacked up on each on top of each other. He had one fucking fire engine red. He just backs it up to his hideout.

Oh. Someday. No, I'm not gonna own one. I'm gonna rent them. That's my new shit. My lovely wife cured me of that. Thinking I had to own these cars. I don't need to own these cars.

I just need to find someone who has them and drive them for a weekend. You know? Or what you do is you're that guy. You have one. You're driving around for a little bit. You sell it. You get something else. Then you sell that. But my thing is I immediately fall in love with shit. And then I want to redo the whole thing and fix the whole fucking thing. And then you know, keep an under-retp and all of that shit. I you know I Am like a chick whose dad didn't stick around you know just fall in love with every sailor that comes down the street Sailor Bill, what is it the 1940s? He's the boogie will give you a boy fump and he be let me let me do some fucking reads here

The Andrews Sisters. If you're wondering, that was a big thing. Mills Brothers, the Andrews Sisters, was a lot of, everybody thinks the Jackson's were the first ones. You know, or the Mormon ones, the Osmonds. No, Mills Brothers, Andrews Sisters, the Kowalski twins. All right, I made that last one up. All right, simply safe everybody. You know, when an intruder threatens your home, every second counts. Yeah, I would agree with that. Just

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to go out to Alan Tam. And I'm gonna find out what the fuck Billy Joel was so goddamn excited about. Why am I making fun of Billy Joel? I love Billy Joel. You know? You say I love you. When I said I love dance forever. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Liberty DeVito, come on. All right, that's the podcast everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Have a wonderful weekend, your cunts, enjoy the music, picked out by the always fabulous Andrew Thamelis and then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. You know what's great about being up on a roof? There's no rats up here. I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more

I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more

I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more I'm going to be a little bit more Hey, what's going on is Bill Burnett's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 6, 2015. How fucking, oh yeah. What's going on? How was your weekend? Did you have a good time? Did you blow off your fucking fingers?

Did you enjoy the 4th of July? You know, first of all, for right out of the gate, right out of the gate, I want to thank everybody that did some dumb shit with fireworks and had the presence of mine to fucking make a YouTube video out of it. You know, so guys like me could just sit there. I was laughing my ass off last night. I went to bed and I was watching people shoot and bottle rockets out of their ass having Roman candle fights, seeing somebody take one to the face. Do you know some guy in Maine lit something off on top of his fucking head and he died instantly? They were like he lit off, they said some mortar, something fucking insane. What kind of, you know, what kind of a fucking asshole would do something like that? He must have had it.

There's no way. Everybody knows once you get up to anything like a pack of firecrackers on your head, you're like, that's funny. You're going to fucking kill your ear drums and you know, but you're going to survive. But what what do you put an M 80 in his mouth or something? Well, I don't know, Bill, you fucking brought it up. All right, relax. Let's just look at main guy dies fireworks. All right, man shoots off fireworks from top of his head, dies instantly.

A 22-year-old man was drinking and celebrating the 4th of July. Happy birthday to America. Don't put it on my head. Happy birthday to America. I'll fucking lie to you. Happy birthday. Wow! Michael?

Oh my god god somebody call ambulance That's how it went down 22 year old man who was drinking and celebrating the fourth of July tried to launch a firework from top of his head killing him instantly authority said Thorey said you got to be an authority to say that somebody's fucking dead after the lights something off on their head Wait a minute wait a minute clear clear the the way. Yes. Yes. He is dead. Well, they kind of knew that. He has brains all over the sidewalk. Watch your mouth, woman. Watch your mouth, woman. That's one of my favorite quotes in sports over the last fucking, I don't know how many months, six months. Watch your mouth, woman. When that woman called Asla Brown, what it was like to be a punk ass bitch and then

that guy's gone. Watch your mouth woman. Watch your mouth woman. And you know, you would think that the brides would have such which have fucking difficulty with it. Like, you know, I realized it's she said something to raw get to or it towards him. But that's no excuse. Go change your bride lady. All right? I love that they didn't say anything because even they knew even they knew they got you know that bitch was out of line. I'm just talking shit today. They won't say what kind of firework it was. was. Apparently he thought that was a great idea. Just when you died in a stupid fucking way, when somebody starts it off, when they start your eulogy off with apparently, apparently

this guy thought sticking his head in the garbage disposal was going to give him a good buzz. I'm sorry to bring it up, Claire,, how did he even get it in there? Hallelujah. His friends said they thought, they thought they dissuaded him from doing it. And the next thing they knew, he ignited the firework and he was killed instantly. What the fuck did he shoot off? There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no devon left when I got there said 25 year old Cody. Jesus Christ, the names of this generation, huh?

Devon Cody, Jeep Wrangler, Devon was the kind of person who would do something stupid. Absolutely. He was the kind of person who would pretend to do something stupid to make people laugh. Well, he wasn't faking it. All right, it's the first fireworks fatality since they legalized fireworks January 1st, 2012. Well, he just fucked it up for the whole state. It's bad enough. Everyone's on heroin. Now you're give them fireworks I mean what next does ISIS get their own juxtapher? Come on people over 18% of bottle rockets are shot out of people's anuses in this state alone this needs to stop. Woo! That's going on in Main Street right now in Maine.

Hi, do you know me? Of course you don't. I'm your regular housewife here in Maine. My son is on heroin. My other son shot a Roman candle up his ass. I'm sorry to be graphic. He was trying to shoot it out of his ass but apparently is excitement. Well who's getting who? I mean in order to light the wick he got to be able to see it. So I don't know how these things were done. When we were kids, we just, we lit them and we ran away. We hit under our desks. That's what we did.

Devin, was it a great person? And in New Jersey, a 52 year old man blew off a large piece of his leg below the knee when he set off a tennis ball- size firework in Montana Montana Montana a 32 year old man was killed at his buildings home in a fireworks accident involving a mortar tube All right, at least there was some sort of mortar round. I mean mortar round. I mean First of all when you start lighten off shit where your neighbors start screaming and come in You know, what do you think is gonna happen? Let's look up a mortar tube here everybody. I'm learning about fireworks through the death of my fellow Americans. I spelled

motar. Alright, firework mortar tubes. How about some images? Let me see what the fuck these things look like Is there some sort of All right, all I see is army guys Yeah, that's not good, you know when when the shit you're shooting off. Oh There we go Well, there's one that looks like a little barbershop thing. What a fucking dope He shot that off his head Well, there's one that looks like a little barbershop thing. What a fucking dope. He shot that off his head. You know what probably happened?

I would guess is that there was some sort of discharge from the bottom end of it. And he can cut the fourth. But it seems like there was no devil. And he fucking blew his head off. Oh, Jesus, one way to start. I had such a wonderful weekend. I didn't mean this when I was talking about funny shit I was just talking about you know people

Having Roman candle fights. Come on. We all did that shit, right? That's bait. That is the evolution of all weaponry All right, anything that has an explosive Device anything that that it's explosive device anything that that fucking blow shit up You just you start or anything that you can shoot at a target, it always starts simple. Let's light it off. You know, let's point it in that direction at the trees, right? And then what then you move up to let's torture some insects Let's shoot a bird and eventually Because you know

The way human beings are that we always try to top one another and we get bored Which is the reason why we're from walking to the horse to the I'm really in deep right now. I know I don't want to to fucking talk about eventually, you're going to move to the the ultimate prey, the human being, you know, something that can think the same way you do something that may have done better in math than you did, you know, that's the challenge. This person passed algebra, I did not. We're both trying to kill one another is you know first outside inside last going to come into play here when we're out in the woods. Our opposite angle is being congruent. Is that going to be the death of me? Or do I just have

that extra something? Do I warn it a little bit more? Am I able to block out the fifth commandment? Do I have such a strong religious background that I can hear God's voice in my head telling me that I'm right? Telling me to deliver that animal. There's not even a man anymore. It's a fucking animal delivered that animal In the express lane to its maker, right? Do I have that I mean it's inevitable that's personally why I don't fuck with fireworks I don't fuck with fireworks because I know that I am scatterbrained and I get bored easily and I have 10,000 fucking hobbies and eventually lighting it off from the driveway is not gonna be enough for me.

Okay, I have neighbors, I have neighbors that I get along with. Maybe I'm bored with the fact that I get along with them. Maybe I want to start, maybe some days you just wake up and you just want to start some shit and you just happen to have some fireworks that don't just blow up. They go way up in the air. And you want to shoot somebody, right? Anyways, my condolences to anybody who knows somebody that died. Now, I don't have any condolences for the people that died because you're fucking dead and you're either dead or I think you're in a better place because someone who's dumb enough to blow themselves up on the July 4th weekend with their own goddamn explosives. I don't think ever had the brains to really hurt another

human being knowingly. I never knowingly lied. Knowingly heard another fucking human being Mean honestly if you're that fucking stupid obviously you could go out and you could hurt somebody, but you know Do you really have the mental capacity to understand? You know your actions Man, it's got to be one of the dumbest fucking things you could ever do Take something of that level. You know what it is. I really think it's the fucking... Well, there's no video of it. I was thinking this is the YouTube generation where, you know, everybody's basically on TV is that fucking skinny blood disease to cut who painted the soup cans that everybody flipped out over. Andy Warhol,

one of the most overrated, overrated fucking artists of all time. All right, I almost said I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. That fucking jerk off, drugging up people and banging them in the ass and then fucking drawn a soup can. I mean, if that's an artist in your world, then you know what? There's a lot of artist in prison right now. They're fucking pasty jackass. You know, he was the original hipster, you know, didn't have the balls to fucking strike out and do something new. He just sort of mocked and just just by the way, did anybody see the last two episodes of the comedians?

Huh? Did anybody with Josh, Gatt and Billy Crystal? I fucking love that show and this is a mini spoiler alert. Basically, Josh gets caught talking shit about Billy Crystal and his act. And then they still have to do, they got to do promos to do the upcoming, through the fight that they fucking have is great. And Billy Crystal's character makes fun of Josh's like fucking hipster friends. And such a fucking just beautiful way, eloquent way, and just really sums up that whole when your creativity is just

mocking whatever exists. It's such a pussy place to create from Because at some point that's what I always do whenever I watch somebody like remember what time watching somebody went on on TV And they just mock the art of standup, you know, which on on a certain level was funny Was basically doing all the I don't know what is what is the word in the industry the tropes The hacky fucking, you know setups and all that type of shit did all of that But you know after a couple minutes. It's like okay. I get it I get it There's some tried and true fucking paths that you can walk down as a comedian

All right, if you're so adept at seeing that shit Why don't you show all of us the new road? And that's what those hips to cuts never do. They never They don't cut. They don't carve out any new ground. They just stomping all over shit that's already been done Making fun of it. So actually, you know, it's weird to me is because there's so much of that During this period of time. You know like whenever in 20 years from now When this generations of directors makes their fast times at Ridgemont High, they're fucking days didn't confused. You know what I mean? Not actually fast times of Ridgemont High took place in the 80s. So

that was actually very current. But I'm just saying how, you know, in the 90s, the 70s became nostalgic and you made fun of all the clothes and the fucking hairstyles and all that in the 2000s and people made fun of the 80s and now people kind of mocking the 90s. What are you going to mock now? People mocking the decades before, like that's what people did in this. There's got to be something. I know what that is. Let's see what we'll lay through. They'll do DJ music. I'm being too hard on this generation. They got their own stuff. They got math. Every generation has to have their own drug by the way, you know

And heroin a little bit old something old something new Something borrowed something blue right? So what are you today they get the meth? That's the new thing right the old things heroin Something borrowed them mocking all this shit and something blue. That's when they fucking OD and they don't have any oxygen in their blood anymore Jesus Christ bill What are you doing poetry over here? um

I'll tell you right now that was a solid 15 minutes and 15 seconds of absolute horseshit and you know what you sat there and listen to it That's what you're doing today. Two days after the fucking birthday of America, when we kicked England's ass, Jesus Christ, fucking England. Isn't it amazing that that little last fucking island, that there was full of so many fucking evil white people that they could actually actually kind of took over the world for a while. Actually there was way less people though, wasn't there? You know, most of the places they went to, you know, they weren't as advanced, right? This is where a white guy gets in trouble for saying some racist shit, you know what I mean? I'm not trying to say that, you know, your boats weren't as good as their boats. I wasn't there, okay?

And in a lot of ways, cultures that were considered primitive, if we continue to live that way, I want to ask you, do you think that the planet would be in the, the, the, the, the, the, the polluted state that it is? I don't think it would be, but I'll tell you this right now, I would already be dead. I would already be dead. You know, which for me selfishly, I'm glad we continue to advance and pollute the fucking world. You know, but that's just a selfish fucking move. I should I should have said, like, you know what, I wish it stayed the same. And I died a ruptured appendix when I was 12 years old Under a stack of blankets sweating in a fucking log cabin log cabin to advanced Too many trees in a hut made out of the skins of the animals that I ate throughout my life my life I was gonna say my lives my life I

Was actually trying to think to you. I was watching something the other day. And I've been on this weird thing where I fucking start to nod off watching TV and then I wake back up again and then I start thinking like, did I just watch that or did I just dream that? And then I always do the math. And I was like, that is way too fucked up to have been on television. I must have just been dreaming. And then I never have the presence of mind to fucking write it down. You know what I mean? I'll tell you it would be fucking insane as if you could actually make a movie that made people feel like they were dreaming, right? But you knew you were dreaming but you couldn't

wake up. Am I describing a coma right now? Am I awake? Can you guys hear me hear me hear me? um The closest thing to that would be I guess people be movies like Jacobs ladder Jacobs fucking ladder That movie was fucking that movie is still great. I watched that the other day very underrated movie Starring the guy from Shosh Tim Robbins The guy he used to be married to Susan Sarandid, oh, crushed two names in a row there. I

Saw Susan Sarandid recently in a movie with I Want to say Melissa McCarthy? I in a movie with, I want to say Melissa McCarthy. I don't even, I don't remember. All I know is she was fucking hilarious. Oh, it was Melissa McCarthy. She was fucking hilarious. Fucking hilarious. It has was Melissa, it has always.

So anyways, speaking of ladies, luck be a lady tonight. You won the ladies' world cup. You stuck that ball in the motherfucking goal and you won the world club for the third fucking time. The fucking man haven't even won it once. It is in fair. It is not right. Why do only the ladies when the fucking world cup, while all the guys got their soccer balls on ice? Sorry. The ladies world cups, I actually fucking really got into it. And by really getting into it, I kept forgetting it was on, but whenever I saw it, I kept going, you know what? I'm gonna watch this. I saw Japan versus Australia. I Japan obviously won that one because they played the ladies here, the final, right?

because they played the ladies here, the final, right? You know what, the fucking women had, the women had what, three goals and the first, four goals and like the first, I don't know how many minutes, like five minutes or something like that. I missed it, of course. I was out, what was I doing? I was playing drums, you know what I mean? I was doing that shit and then I fucking came back. That's what I do. I looked like a fucking eight-year-old.

I should have died when I was 12. What am I doing here? Walk around like a big kid. You know, I should have a fucking pacifier the way I live my fucking life. It was those weirdo guys, you know, they can't let go of their fucking childhood. Remember on OPEN Anthony one time, we were watching these things, and they fucking walk around diapers, and their mother treats them like a big baby. Jesus Christ. You know what I mean?

That's the one good thing a Hitler lived. The one good thing a Hitler lived. People who want to be adult babies would have been exterminated. Oh, yeah. That's the only good that would be the only time Hitler got it right. You know what I mean? That you take out child molesters and we don't we ought to shadow the doubt

that guilty. You got the guy dead to rights laying in a fucking play pen playing with a mobile mobile. What was fucking things that hang over your head? Shell Exxon. right, it's laying in a fucking play pen, playing with a mobile, mobile, what are those fucking things that hang over your head? Shell? Exxon, what do you call those fucking things? A mobile? A menorah? A menorah? What the fuck is it called? You know what it is that things that hang over and the kids look at it because they have it like a fucking acid trip. Dude, that would be the ultimate drug. Don't worry ladies, I'm going to get back to the women and win in the soccer. I got a lot to say about that. Our football is they call it around the

world. That would be the ultimate fucking drug is if you could take something that erased, temporary, temporarily erased everything you've ever learned in life. And you could go back to being a baby again. Like the first time it opens its eyes and you're just staring at a chair like what in the fuck is that? Is that my mother? Is that edible? You know what I mean? Like because I heard when babies first open their eyes, it is, it's like an acid trip. When they're taking in all the colors, light, and every, they don't know what the fuck they know what they fucking They don't know what their own hands are so they're staring at that. Can you imagine? The can you imagine the wonderment of that? That's why that's why babies need diapers

Because there's there on such a trip that you if you could fucking do that and you looked at every no You shit yourself because you don't you don't you want to toil it is? You could fucking do that and you looked at every, no, you shit yourself because you don't, you don't, you don't want to toil it is. You've never been teased for shitting yourself. You never even smelt the shit. You have no fucking idea what it smells like. You just have to shit and you shit. You know what?

It's high, do it, right? You fucking in the zone. You just bury in threes like Steph Curry except you hit all of them Where he only misses like two out of a hundred, but you bury all of them because you don't know that it's fucking practically impossible Tell you right now if I was running a basketball team I'd sign a baby You know get him up on his feet. Just get him up on his feet. Okay. Keep feeding this kid. All right This is the new triangle offense. Okay, we've got the fucking baby right at the point We're gonna keep feeding keep working it around to him. All right And kid kid over here. Hey

Yeah, over here. You just keep launching it. Everybody under the fucking. You just keep fucking throwing it up Right be like when the nuggets decided not to play defense and they thought that they were gonna have the first 200 point game. What am I talking about? Ah, fuck you. I got an hour to fill here. I don't have any fucking advertising copy. So this is just gonna be me just running my fucking app

for as long as I can. All right, so back to the ladies, the ladies of women's soccer. The soccer playing human beings that have the lady bits. All right. So they scored four goals. Of course, I missed all the fucking goals. The only goal, it was four to one. The only goal I saw was when Japan, all of a sudden cut it to four to two and I was like, oh, fuck, is this like NHL hockey where no lead is safe anymore? And then the ladies came right back down and gave Japan the old right

their friend. They gave me all right their friend. Bam, shut the fuck up. Go home, go home crying because you just lost. All right. Now, let's look, I actually this out into the mode of sports nerd. I am even a sport that I don't even admittedly do not even watch or don't watch it nearly as much as I should, because it is a beautiful sport, especially the way the women play it. I actually prefer women's soccer to men's soccer. Why you say over there in Jolly-Old England, Ireland or if fucking Argentina, Brazil, Germany, all this fucking soccer giants,

football, I'll tell you why I prefer it, because the women don't dive every three seconds, crying like a bunch of babies. When the women go down, like they fucking, you know, they got tripped up and then they look at the ref, like what the fuck are you gonna call that? I thought the women played, you know, they play a better game. They just play a better fucking game. I'm sure the men's is a little faster, fucking blah, blah, blah, blah,

but all the goddamn fucking whining and crying and men's soccer. I tell you right now, men's football players, you gotta be ashamed yourself. And that goes for you too, they have fucking Rooney, or whatever your fucking name is there on Man United. All right. Looking like fucking, I don't want to fucking, what the champ sport, whatever the fucking characters name is. Sorry. All right. Let's just fucking plow it in here.

Yeah. The women don't fucking cry. If you two seconds, but I will tell you this, what is fucking funny is when they lost Japan's goalie. Just started crying. I mean, the defense sucks. The defense had a total fucking meltdown. I don't know what the ladies coach saw, but whatever it was, they exploited it fucking three times in

the first five minutes, and the only bad goal was when they actually shot one from center ice, and the goalie looked like me playing right field when I was in fourth grade. Like oh, it's going to drop in for a single. Come on, come on. Maybe oh shit, it's all for my head. Remember that when you totally misjudged it, second hits the bat, you start running in towards the first basement and then I don't know.

It's not within three steps. You do that fucking just immediate stop. And then all of a sudden your head's back at a 45 degree angle, is that ball just keeps going up over your head, that's what she did. And what's funny is she leaped up in the air with the one hand to try to stop it. And when it went over her head,

she just fucking landed on her entire backside and you could already see her just going fuck and in the end of the game I guess she felt that she cost her team the victory which she didn't it was absolutely horrific defense. She just burst it out crying which is one of the beautiful things about being a woman. You know, when you look at a baby, all right, boy, a girl, you know, they want something, you know, that's yours, something of value, and you take it away, so you can't have that and they want it. They immediately just, they can just start fucking crying.

They're upset. They don't like what's happened and they immediately they just cry it out. Women can do that. Women can do that and you feel bad for them. If a man cries Another man the only thing you can do is just laugh in their face and tease them until they stop doing it because it makes you so fucking uncomfortable as a man. The only time it's acceptable is when your friend blows his head off with a mortar round, whatever the fuck he did at a, at a, you know, at a fourth of July party.

And even then, even then, you know, you got to shake it off within a couple of Miller high life. You know, all right, Cliff, he's dead, okay? It's not going to bring him back. We still got all these bears. What is the difference if we'd say it now or in the morning? He's going to be just as dead in the morning. We're running out of ice. We got to finish these things and you're like, you're right, man. You're right. Sorry. You're like, why would he do it?

Sorry. That's the thing about women. They can just fucking cry. And we're not allowed to. And it's that combination that they are allowed to cry out their pain. And we have to hold on to it. And the fact that they then turn around and

Nag the fucking shit out of us that they actually take 10 years off our lives Do you realize that if women died 10 years before mended? Can you imagine how much they'd be complaining about that? How much they would be blaming us for it? You know when we say that we die, you know, men die 10 years early, they just blame us. Well, you know, you know, you hold on to your emotions, you don't go to the doctor. And what about the confactor? Huh? Anything there?

Can you, if I've sweated God, if you turn the fucking tables and women died an average of 10 years before amended? All right. Okay, what color, what pansy colored uniform would the NFL players have to wear for an entire fucking month as they raised awareness? How much would they be blaming us? How many movies would Merrill Streep win an Oscar for playing the woman that was strong enough to die at the same time as the guy in her life? I don't know. You know what's funny about guys in the beauty of guys is we still, we don't even give

a shit. We die 10 years sooner than you do and we don't even give a fuck. It's the beauty of the simplistic man brain. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. It's the beauty of the simplistic man brain. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So women's World Cup soccer has been around since 1991. And as of yesterday, the United States of America, we've won the most. We've won three.

Once Germany has won two I'm sorry Norway has won one The death metal capital of the world and Japan has won one Japan actually won the last one so we defrown the champions all right Men's world cup soccer There's only been so wait wait women's world cup soccer. There's only been, so wait, wait, women's world cup soccer. There's only been five, six, seven times it's been played. All right, this is why I'm finally gaining respect for this.

I always get ahead respect for the championship because the entire world does compete. But not only does the whole world compete, they do it every four years. So it's really, it really fucking means something here. And all these people around the world who are going like, yeah, Bill, you dumb fucking yank. It, yeah, it means something. Well, you know what? Maybe if you guys want a bunch of fucking girls

flopping all over the fucking place and you could actually pick it up with your hands, the fuck did, I don't understand a sport where you have four fucking limbs and you're only allowed to use two of them. Jesus Christ. It's like it's like it's like you're mocking the handicap the entire time I'm watching the fucking game.

Anyways, sorry. So this, this has only been 20 men's world cups. All right. Brazil is one of the most at five. Italy and Germany have both one four and I got to give the nod to Germany as much as I love Italians. The way they dress, they have food, they have flashy fucking jewelry. I'm all about it. I love Italians and I am fucking German. I got to give the nod to Germans because they won their first three with half a fucking country. They won their first one. Let's let me look this up. Let me make sure that I have this correct.

They won their first one, I think, in 1954. I mean, that's literally like, what is that like About nine oh less than a decade Yeah, they've won their first one in 1954 World War two ended in 45 46 something like that 1944 maybe We'll say 45 what the fuck within nine years of trying to take on the entire world and losing Dresden and bombs all over the fucking place years of trying to take on the entire world and losing, dresden and bombs all over the fucking place, they won a world cup with half their country, West Germany.

Can't I mean? I'm sure East Germany was actually in it too. Who's getting who? Germany is just, I mean, that is just a roid factory over there. 1974, they won it. They were on, they were on, they were doing so many steroids by 1974 that a lot of people don't know this.

That West Germany team was actually 80% women. A lot of people don't know that East Germany, East German women, you know, they were so roided up, they were so roided up, they didn't have to sneak out of the country. They just stared down the people in the guard tower and they were just like, I don't want any problem, bro. All you, all you, you want me to open that gate for you? Okay, 1990 they wanted. All right, let's get back to what the fuck I was talking about here.

Where the hell did it go? Oh there we go. All right, you're a way as one two Argentina, hand a god one two and then England, France and Spain have all one one and that is it It's only been one 20 times and one two three, five, six, seven, eight countries, only eight countries have won it. So now I feel better that the U.S. men's have never won a fucking world cup. You know, most people given a shit, it's like, well, how many of you fucking win? You never won it either. And I love that I now know who's won it and who hasn't. So if I ever walk into a soccer sports bar, I know who I can talk shit to and who I don't want it either. And I love that I now know who's one and who hasn't. So if I ever walk into a soccer sports bar, I know who I can talk shit to and who I can't to.

What are you, huh? You from Brazil? Oh, chilly. Oh, go fuck yourself. You ever want shit either? What's your big feather in your cap that you care? Which makes the women winning three all the more impressive. But you gotta give it up to Germany. Germany is the only country that has won both.

The men and the world and the women's and they've won four men's and they've won two women's and they're only off by one and both. You got to respect that. Jesus Christ, when is Brank Umbral Real Sports gonna be doing a what's in the water? What's in the water? Over there in fucking Germany. You know why they're not gonna do it? Cause we have a base over there.

We already know what's in the water. A big vat of fucking steroids. I gotta tell you, it's amazing, you know, to watch Germany channel all their hatred for other races and nationalities and put it into something more productive like sports. And look at the success that they've had. You know what I mean? That burning passion to incinerate people that don't look like them. The fact that we've been sitting on their fucking chest for the last 60 years, they've had to focus that energy in different areas

and they are dominating the world game of soccer, football, whatever. And look at the cars that they make. It's incredible. If you've noticed, all the fastest countries make the greatest cars. Germany, fucking Italy. Who else? Finland, they don't make good cars. They make good phones for a minute. But look at them. Angry birds. They made those angry birds. You know what I mean? All of a sudden they couldn't exterminate the people. They didn't want to exterminate their country. What did they do? They said, all right, what are we going to do with all

this? Hey, I want to try to make some phones. I'm sorry. I can't do fucking Finland accent actually I give Finland a pass for being down with the H bomb in In now World War two I You know, what were they supposed to do? You know what I mean? This shit was like I Where we are geographically? You look to the right you got eight off Hitler with beads of sweat his BDIs and his fucking eyebrows Once are you with us? Well, are you against us? Right and on the other side they got

Eastern Europe's Tom Selik the one and only Joseph Stalin or Joseph if you're a history buff Staring you down, right this motherfucker would sacrifice a hundred thousand Russians every day Just so we could have fresh pineapple juice. I mean, this guy was a fucking maniac. They were between two, they were stuck between two of the biggest psychos in the history of, in modern history. All right. So they had to go with self preservation.

All right. Hitler's styling equally out of their fucking minds. All right. So that's a wash. What's the next thing? All right, Hitler's styling equally out of their fucking minds. All right, so that's a wash. What's the next thing? All right, let's go with technology. German cars. What do we got? What do we got going on here? They got the Mercedes Benz. They got the Ducenburg. Did they make the Ducenburg? I don't know what the fuck they had. They had fucking them. They got, they got, they got, they got, they got, uh, they make an eight track tapes over here. Fucking 50 years before the got 40 years, 30 years before the fucking Bee Gees. What are we supposed to do here? They got real, real machines. You go over to Russia, what are they got? They got vodka.

They, they got a goddamn fucking car made with a lawnmower engine, spitting out blue smoke. And they, you know they got those chicks with the fucking La La Zeta warms you know by the way Russian women have really come around huh Jesus Christ the fucking gorgeous now back in the day during the Cold War maybe those are the only women that they showed us you know I had those fucking papaya to sail a man. Boop, boop, boop, fucking forearms. You know what I mean? From throwing calves over some fucking hill they weren't supposed to run over.

So whatever. So Finland goes, you know what? Fuck it. We're going with the H bomb. You know, but boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, blabbing up, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, they went with him, right? Flashlight, gas chambers, they were fucking went with this maniac. What were they supposed to do?

They fucking picked the wrong guy. And you know what's funny? Was Russia actually attacked Finland and Finland kicked their fucking ass with no help from the Germans as far as what I overheard in bars in Finland. And this is the funny thing, but they went down with the ship with the H bomb over there, right? They went down with that guy who fucking pussyed out and killed himself in the end. This fucking broad, rather than going out like Saddam Hussein, talking shit as they put the rope around your neck, even people heckling you, you still, you still add them on their heels. Huh?

For me, that's like, like when, you know, when people bring up comics getting fucking heckled and that type of shit and people like to watch it, the ultimate one, like if I was a dictator, I would be looking at how Saddam was saying when I'll be like this motherfucker here, right there, right? And everybody, well, what about Hitler? I would be looking at how Saddam was saying when I'll be like this motherfucker here right there right And everybody what about Hitler, you know, he killed all those people like that's probably respected with fucking, you know, dictators Like that's how many HBO specials you had like how many fucking people you killed They put you know all evil people are going like oh man like his fucking amazing numbers that he had

It's like yeah, but he went out like a bitch You know, he went out like a bitch, just like Kadafi went out like a bitch pleading for his fucking life. So now I'm just saying, walked right up, going, yeah, go fuck yourself, fuck you. I'm gonna come back. I wanna haunt you, right?

He fucking stared him all down. He didn't give a fuck. Stand in there, stepped onto that thing. No one in any second they could pull the fucking lever. He wasn't even shaken. He'd be staring him all down. Go fuck, he wasn't even nervous to meet his maker. That's one of the sickest things I've ever seen in my life.

What am I talking about? So they fucking, they beat the goddamn Russians because they picked the wrong guy. You know what I mean? That's like when you're in the wrong division and baseball. You have like back in the day, you'd have a better, or when that year, when the Patriots went 11 and five,

but they didn't make the fucking playoffs. That's what fucking Finland did. And they actually had to give, even though they beat the Russians, they didn Finland did. And they actually had to give even though they beat the Russians, they then had to, they still had to give them some land. How fucked up is that? Oh, war. All right. I hope some of that was even just remotely historically accurate. I have no idea. As long as it was entertaining. Did it entertain you? All right. So anyways, I had an amazing weekend. I had an amazing weekend. I, you know, had some family came in

and for the first time ever, I gave a helicopter ride to some family members. I went up with the fucking instructor though because I'm on a moron. But we did this great flight. We flew out a long beach. We ran around the palace of Earth, Aith peninsula. It's great, man. You fly right over the Queen Mary, and then you go around

the peninsula. And as you go around the peninsula, that's when you start realizing how many goddamn things are in the ocean, even though we fucking fished them out. And we started going along the beach. And I thought they were dolphins, and my instructors going, no, those are actually baby great, great white sharks. They just haven't reached the predatory stage yet. And I swear to God, there was like five of them. And there was one, and there was all these people flolicking in the fucking water, and there was this one jackass who had swam beyond where they were.

They were perpendicular to him, but he was further out into the ocean. They were closer to the beach. I haven't explained this correctly. And he was swimming out to like a buoy, like that naked chick in the beginning of jaws. Yeah, I've said it a million times. You're out of your fucking mind if you swim in the ocean. If you don't believe me, take a helicopter ride, have him fly a hundred feet off the fucking ocean. I know what you're thinking, me, take a helicopter ride, have them fly a hundred feet off the fucking ocean.

I know what you're thinking, Bill, watch Jesus Christ. How fucking nuts. Yeah, they have a 2,200 hour fucking overhaul to brand new helicopter every 2,200 hours. Go fuck yourself. What I'm doing is infinitely more safe. All right. And then we made a right turn at the Ferris wheel. made a right turn at the Ferris wheel. Santa Monica appears. We flew over Santa Monica, over Beverly Hills, right over fucking Aaron, the Aaron spelling mansion, which is the most ridiculous house ever built that I can think of. Do you know that house was so big? I saw a thing one time they did it on the Aaron spelling house. They actually have a room in there just for wrapping gifts. They actually have a room in there just for wrapping gifts

They have a gift wrapping room You know what I mean? To me I always thought that the people who do American horror story Like that would be a great place to do one of those things people that are that level fucking rich and then somehow the Children in the poor people that put together all the things that they wrap in their somehow coming to Hauntum. I have no idea, but feel free to send that to the producers over there so they can fucking laugh you out of the goddamn room. And who doesn't like watching a fucking rich person get haunted and die a horrific death? I mean, that's just fun. I mean, that's a fucking home run right there, American Horror Story. You know, you don't have to give me any money.

All I ask is if you use it, just give the Monday morning podcast a fucking shout out. That's all. That's all. Just have somebody tell somebody else to go fuck themselves and have them wear it in orange wig. And I'll be happy right there. That'll be enough for me. All right, plowing head here. And the playboy mansion is right to the left of it. Then we flew up to the Hollywood sign over the observatory, did a lap around Dodger Stadium, and then my favorite part ever. We flew up Route 2, banged the left up and over the hill,

and where is it? Hoorah! Did he eat a grand daddy of them all! two bang the left up and over the hill and where is it? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Someday, you know what I mean? Someday, I want to get one of those. When I get a little more confident, and I also have the kind of money to blow on a fucking helicopter. I imagine I'll have to drug my wife on some level. There's a lot of variables as a man to buying a helicopter, like the amount of fucking money and hand is they set on Seinfeld. The amount of hand that you got to have hand in a relationship that you'd have to have to actually fucking justify buying a helicopter when you really have nowhere to go in the thing. So anyways, don't get a use one on fucking crags list. Damn things are awesome.

All right, so guess what? Last night was my last cigar and my last, I'm taking a booze break. Old Billy clean cakes is back in the house. I got a nice round white belly from, you know, grilling, drinking. I had a great fucking weekend and I'm manned my own grill. Manned my own grill. As a man does, even if you don't know how to do it, even if you risk giving the people at your party, E. coli, it doesn't make a difference. You are a man and you fucking, you man your own goddamn grill. I kept it simple. I just made burgers

and hot dogs and what's fucking amazing is we got this butcher in the next neighborhood over from us and they make their own you can order homemade hamburger buns and hot dog buns. They made it like the hot dog buns, they came in like, it looked like ribs, except they were hot dog buns and you had to cut them to separate them and then cut them again to make them, to split them so you could put the hot dog in. It was fucking, I felt like it was like the 1920s or some shit.

You know what I mean? Everything was homemade and boy, oh boy, was it refreshing. So anyways, let's get to some of the questions here for this week. Yes, so I am announcing it on the fucking podcast because that I am not drinking or smoking or anything like that, so I will stick. So you guys will hold me to it. So I don't have to hang my head and shame next week and tell you that I fucked up All right So oh here we go. I finally got my advertising here for this week. It was a little bit late. All right

All right, here we go. What do we got here? I'm coming up on an hour all right Quote retard Bill as a mom of three count them three mentally challenged kids Bill, as a mom of three, count them three, mentally challenged kids. What? You have my permission to use the word whenever you want to describe idiots that you show. I don't want permission. I don't want to use the word. I don't want to hurt people. Okay, but I reserve the right to every once in a while if I flip out and I drop the fucking word in a moment of anger because I'm standing there in front

of a fucking drunk who won't shut up. I still expect you to give me shit about it, but just accept my apology and know that I don't have anything against mentally challenged people. I just was pissed at this person and I made a mistake. That's all I'm asking. I'm not asking for a license to use the word. I don't want to use it. Jesus. All right. Orzo.

Response to mentioning Orzo last week. Orzo last week. Red Bill gives you wings. Hey, there's a new one. Tell that woman of yours to get back in the goddamn kitchen. Orzo is a pasta shaped shaped like rice, not a grain. Christal life, but seriously, love me or her parents is the best part of the podcast. Well, fuck you, I like to think I bring something to the table. Oh, that's great. I'll have to let her know that. Orzo is a pasta-shape. It's pasta. Oh, Jesus Christ. orzo is pasta shaped like rice dude I really have a fucking learning disability man I can't read words I can read them I just can't put them to I said it's a I said orzo is pasta shaped rice I

don't even want the fuck I said. Orzo is pasta shaped like rice. You know what? Anybody who listens to this podcast has got to be at least as dumb as I am. Let me fucking look this up. Maybe that right. Orzo. Orzo. Up. Wikipedia says it's pasta. See, you got it. You got to think it's true.

Orzo, it's Italian Fabbali from the Latin also, Reson is a form of shortcut pasta, shaped like a large grain of rice. Orzo can be served alone as a soup, a coutre mou, as part of a salad, or pilaf, or geovesty, or bacon and casserole. What's geovesty? I want to go to Italy. I want to go. I want to go to Florence. Oh, Jesus. Look at what the Italians are the best man. Oh, that's Greek. My apologies. I want to go to Greece. I don't want to go to Greece right now. Hey, I didn't even say. How the fuck did they vote? Did they vote to fucking let their their their goddamn banks just fail.

That's what they should do. They should just let everything fail. And then then everybody's money isn't worth shit. And then you know something, those bankers got to come out and public. And then you fucking stab them in the gut like that dude at the beginning of Scarface. Right. Leban got. Leban got. They've been got they've been got uh Greece vote let's see what come on man come on Greece you know they didn't markets resilient after no vote uh we always pussy out we always pussy everybody always ends up pussying' out. You know something, only fuckin' Iceland has had the balls to stand up to their fuckin' bankers. And you know what, I hope I'm wrong about that.

And if I am, please tell me who else has. All right, no idea where to start. Dear Mr. Burr, I'm a 16 year old high school junior from a rural town in Mississippi, just a good old boy never meaning no harm getting a confederate flag birthday cake every fucking six months because his parents are too dumb to know what a year is you're not even sixteen buddy you're really fucking eight sorry that was totally stereotypical and I shouldn't done that

Um now that I'm nearing my final year of high school and we'll soon be having to decide where to go to college I've realized I have no idea what I want to do with my life the only two things I have interest in is writing and stand up comedy Oh, those are two phenomenal things you can make a hell of a living I've flunked everything in high school Um, but here's a few places from where I live. But there's a few places from where I live, where I could do something like an open mic. Jesus Christ. But you know some of this should inspire you right here. How awful I am at reading out loud, yet I've been able to do something in this business. You know what I mean? I'm able to make a living and I can put frosted mini-weeds on the table for my family of one. I'm the only two things I

have interest in is writing stand-up on. But there's few places from where I live where I could do something like an open mic or get honest opinions on my comedic writing. I'm ready to ask where in your opinion would be a great town for starting for starting to start. Also, if you think someone can juggle college in a stand up college in a stand up career, I would truly be grateful for your advice and also go fuck yourself. All right. Any place is a good place to start. Just start. If there's an open mic, I would drive as long as I had to drive to go to it. Let's see, you're in Mississippi. All right. What do I? What that I know of from Mississippi, Atlanta, Nashville, Texas, Houston was always a great comedy town. I don't know what the open mic scene is like.

If anybody, anybody, any comedians out there starting out, anybody, anything going on in Alabama, what's going on in Mississippi? Right in, give this kid some fucking advice. Tweet me about it. I'll retweet it. That's the easiest way to do it because we might not see your emails because we get a bunch of them. So just tweet me about it and you know at Bill Burr on Twitter and if you got some good advice I will retweet it. Can you juggle college in a stand-up career? Yeah, absolutely absolutely You can do whatever you want to do in life dude. You can do whatever you want. That's the one fucking thing everybody you know

You know because people want to make it they try to look at what is working for the most people and then they they get locked into that That's the biggest advice I can give you is do not get locked in To what everybody else is doing get locked into what's That's the biggest advice I can give you is do not get locked into what everybody else is doing. Get locked into what's going on in your fucking chest. Whatever that thing's saying, like do this unless it's saying to shoot your neighbor. Don't do that. But if it's you're doing something that's not going to hurt somebody like writing jokes, telling them writing a script, yeah, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do. And the fact that you're 16 and you're already listening to yourself, you're way ahead of the game. So, um, and you have the intelligence to understand that, you know, hey, I need some help and you're reached out for it.

Keep doing that, my friend. And I hope to see you out there. Give it a shot. You know, but I would, I would, I'd write five minutes of shit tonight and then sign up for an open mic somewhere and within the week I would start do it and that's unbelievable balls to be able to do that at 16. It took me almost to 20 40 get the balls to do it so my hat is off to you sir or man I don't know who you are. All right here we go. Girlfriend has prejudiced parents. A Billy Billy

Dingo Berry. I'm a white man who's dating a black woman She's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and there's no doubt in my mind that I want to spend my life with her Well, congratulations until now We've been dating for 10 months and I finally met her parents this past weekend when I got there They seem shocked by my skin color almost like my girl hadn't even hinted to them that I was white. Well, that's probably what happened if they are fucking racist. The whole dinner was very awkward. I wasn't being looked at in the eye and I was left out of most of the conversation.

Didn't they make a movie about this? Ashton Kutcher in the late great Bernie Mac? I even tried talking to her dad about music since we are both musicians But he just kept giving me short answers like he didn't give a fuck After the whole thing was over my girlfriend said that they didn't like that. I was white She said that they wanted her to have strong black babies and not to dilute the blood Also and not to dilute the blood. Oh my God! Ha ha ha ha ha! Also, they spouted a bunch of other shit about how much trouble we'll run into as an interracial couple.

It has been four days and we still haven't talked about it. Nor has she told her parents off for being prejudice assholes. I truly believe this is the only situation where a white person can fully understand what a black person would say. I don't know about that, do you? You get a little sprinkling of it. A black guy with a microphone on the street corner can call me crack or all he wants and I won't lose a wink of sleep over.

But when you're told the person you love is wrong and invalid, that's like a kick in the balls. Anyways, how should I go about addressing this? I'm assuming you didn't run into this problem with Nia. No, I didn't make Maybe she could weigh in on this as well. Anyway, thanks and go fuck yourself Jesus I would if you lover I would stay with her if you question it I'd pull the rip cord because that's just gonna be a fucking nightmare That'll end up being a nightmare

You know what I mean? You're gonna be in a relationship where you're waiting for the other person's parents to die sitting there going like one down Dude, I know that's just to fucked up, you know you really when you're gonna get married is you have to uh I don't know I mean who the fuck am I to say? I waited so goddamn long, so I'm not a authority, but, you know, if you're with somebody that's fun, you know, and they come from a good family and their family supported of you guys, I mean, that's so much of the battle. Actually, you know, something this past week when I was in Vegas, somebody came up to me and said,

hey, Bill, let me, I gotta ask you a question. Who makes you laugh? And without even thinking, I said my wife. And it made me feel really good like, ah, it's great, you know, my wife's all hot shit. She makes me laugh, we have a good time. And so, I don't know, she might not be bringing it up because she's embarrassed about it or

what not. I have no idea, but I mean, that's going to be a hell of a fucking situation. If that's how they're going to view their grandkids. I mean, that's kind of a, that's a major fucking situation where I would at least Want to see where her head is at and then you throw out certain scenarios About the future. So how are we gonna handle this and blah blah blah blah? You know what I'm sorry going through that dude, but you definitely need to have some fucking conversations. I would think I would definitely think some conversations are in order. All right Colin Farrell movies

Hey Billy Redskin Colin Farrell has done a couple of great movies since phone booth you should that you should like namely in brudges Bruges, I don't know how to say it, and 7 Psychopaths with the always excellent Sam Rockwell. Oh, Jesus Christ! I gotta see 7 Psychopaths. I gotta see that. You could give them a look. All right, coming to California next year

from Ireland on holiday, hope to see you in action. Alright, I hope you make it out to a show. Alright, gah! So I got hit with a wave of fucking tired. Alright, that's the podcast of this week. Go fuck yourselves, and uh, be checking in on you on Thursday. Alright, see you. Don't you know we break the neutral

They don't come and go like this up