Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-7-16

Episode Date: July 7, 2016

Bill rambles about flying international, Danny Ainge and Formula 1.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Tour? Tour? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which starts off in Dublin, Ireland.

Dublin, Ireland. And you know what's funny is I tried to, on July 31st, it starts off and I tried to get a, you know, get a direct flight to the Emerald Isle and the, at this point, because I waited so long to get the fucking tickets, you know, which is a whole other story in itself. You know what I mean? Because I'm going to take a vacation with my wife afterwards and she was trying to figure out where the fuck we were going to go and I was like, lady, you better fucking figure out a place soon because this is going to cost me a fortune there.

So turns out the LAX, the only two airlines, there was Air Lingus and, what the fuck is it? Oh, Jesus, I already forgot the name of the, what the hell's the name, Ethiopian Airlines. Figure that one out. I don't want to fly Ethiopian Airlines unless I'm going to like, you know, Ethiopia, Air Lingus, that's the Irish one, you know? Is that weird? Like, if I'm going to go to the Middle East, I want to fly, you know, that whatever, United

Air Emirates. I don't, it's just weird superstition that I have. Like the people at Ethiopian Airlines don't care because they're flying to Ireland. Does that make any sense? It doesn't. That's just how scary flying is. Like if I'm going to Poland, I want a couple of Polish guys flying it despite all the jokes about them.

Hey, how many Polish guys does it take to fly a plane? A fucking, hopefully two of them, you know, that studied all the shit they needed to know. So Air Lingus was more expensive than I said, well, fucking, I'm going to take the, I don't even know if that's the Irish one. For some reason, I think that's the one with the four leaf clover. Is it? Is it got a leprechaun on the fucking tail fin? Let me look this up.

Air Lingus Latte. Every Irish guy's giving me shit about my bad accent. Like I give a fuck. All right, Air Lingus, images, yeah, there it is. Oh, it's a three leaf clover. Put another fucking leaf on there, you cunts. Make me feel a little better. Oh, Jesus.

Is that the best plane they got? Oh, boy. That looks like some shit from the early 70s. All right, let's look at Air Ethiopia, where Ethiopian Airlines, there's no food on this plane. Sorry, Ethiopian Airlines. Let's see what we got here. What do we got here?

I'm not going to lie to you, both these planes don't look, neither one of these are very, oh, look at those stewardesses. They look pretty, they didn't have any stewardess for the Irish ones. They're probably all hammered. Could I have any more stereotypes in this? All right, they both look professional. Who's kidding who? You know what it is?

Once you travel outside of your own country, you know what I mean? I fly American Airlines, I fly United, I fly shit that I've heard of. I've always done that, except early on in my career, when I used to fly like fucking, oh, what the fuck was that one? It was Air something or other. I flew like A-T-A. I mean, you flew on that fucking airline, it was like, like the cabin to the cockpit was open, they were up there playing like Kinect 4 and shit. It was really bad.

I'm telling you, it was bad, you know? No, it was. It was just like, it was the weirdest thing. You'd be in an airport and just feeling like you were in America and then you'd get on A-T-A and you literally felt like you were leaving a war-torn country. Like you just looking around like, where the fuck did all these extras come from? Am I in some fucking George Clooney movie? That's some important George, one of those selling arms for some shit, you know?

A very important story that needed to be told. We are filmmakers and this is what we do. You know, George, they said this script was floating around Hollywood for a while. Well, you know, I'm good looking and I said I'm going to do it, so it got made. Oh, I got to call out fucking Michael Rappaport, okay? Okay, and you know, you would think that I'm going to call him out for the fact that his resting face, you never heard of resting bitch face? You know what his face looks like?

You remember that face Danny Ainge would make after he got called for a foul? That's what his resting face looks like, all right? Now, I love this man except when he talks sports. I've never seen somebody hate on Boston sports the way he does, right? So he wrote some more bullshit about Boston sports, so I call him up breaking his balls going, dude, you know what you wrote is some true laughing, we have a great fucking time. He goes on the internet like some real housewife whore who, right? And you know what he said?

He said, wow, Bill Burgess called me up like threatening me, blah, blah, blah and all this fucking, he's tweeting like some Instagram whore that's just trying to get fucking followers. I don't understand, Michael, if somebody sent you into this clip right now, I even told him how fucking bitchy he was being about Boston sports, but I guess he was freaking out that, uh, that the Celtics might get Kevin Durant, which, um, you know, who's kidding with the whole free agency game? This is how it works as a fan. Everybody doesn't like it unless the free agent comes to their team.

That's basically it. But at the end of the day, even when they do come to your team in the back of your head, you know, it's bullshit, right? I mean, whatever, you're getting fucked over by your team. You want to go make some more money fine, but I'm talking when you're an elite fucking player and you go to pile on another fucking team. And I'm talking as a Celtics fan, when we did that in, what was it, oh, wait, the only thing that made it decent was that the Lakers had a bunch of free agents.

So we met in the finals and it was sort of, it was like the eighties in that those two teams were in the finals back to back years, but I mean, it was, it was bullshit. Like I don't look at the, oh, eight Celtics. Like it was a blur. We went from last place to first place. We won the fucking thing and then we played them again next year in the finals and the referees called 9,000 files on us and like 15 on the fucking Lakers and for some reason that was considered a good game seven.

I don't know. Uh, but that's the NBA, you know, every once in a while they have a mobbed up ref. You know, Patrick Ewing goes to the Knicks. Yeah. You know, it's a business, um, but I think, cause I, I, when I look at the NFL where they got the parody there and all of a sudden, you know, the Seahawks out of fucking nowhere can win one, you know, fucking Patriots stunk for fucking ever. All of a sudden we got good.

You go up, you go down, these guys win those guys, you know, it's nice and fucking everybody kind of has a chance now. And that's been great. Their ratings are better than ever as far as I know. And I think the, the root that the NBA is going is they create these super teams and people hate them so much that they watch rooting for them to lose. And um, I don't know. I liked it better.

But I mean, back in the day, like I said, there was free agency in that type of ship, but it wasn't just the way it is now. The amount of times where people pull the old Johnny Damon, well, you, well, I guess Damon won with the Red Sox and then like the next year or whatever he goes through the fucking Yankees. It's just like, what, Jesus Christ, can you, can you ease your way around the fact that it's just a business and it's all about money, you know, um, I don't know. I actually don't know how Kevin Durant really helps the warriors in a way.

You know, they had that two guys that were the guys and then he's coming in. And in a lot of ways, he's at least number two, depending on what you think about the fucking, uh, the fucking honor roll student there, um, I don't know. I know people say they just want to win, but I think egos get hurt when, you know, you, you used to get 25 points a game and now you're down to like 21 or 19. I don't know. We'll see what the fuck happens, but, uh, that sucked. I was really hoping he was going to stay in Oklahoma.

I'm not going to lie to you. I was hoping that, uh, you know, after last year where they were up three games to one that they were going to the off season, be like, you know what the fuck happened? We don't know how we don't know how to win. We don't know how to close somebody out. And what I loved about watching the warriors come back against Oklahoma as much as I was rooting for Oklahoma is you got to watch a championship team. Like they, what the warriors did being down three games to one coming back in that series

was, it was fucking hilarious to me. Like watching them. It was like, you remember the horror movie, like they never changed their pace when they were down. They didn't panic. They just kept coming. You know, it was like those old school monster movies from the eighties where the fucking Jason guy, right, is just walking and the victim is running away.

The victim's running the monsters walking, but the person running keeps looking over their shoulder so they keep tripping over logs and shit, right? So eventually the other, the fucking do with the hatchet walks them down and puts them out of their misery. That's what that's what fucking the warriors did to Oklahoma. Yeah. I'm such a, was that too sophisticated for you? You know, I got to tell you, watching the warriors come back against Oklahoma was like

watching Friday the 13th, part three, oh, Jesus. So I've seen a bunch of teams do that, be better than the other team. They just didn't know how to fucking win. And then what happens is as a sports fan, you get to watch them learn how to win. You get to watch him mature as a fucking team. That's what you get to watch unless the best guy goes, you know what, I don't feel like learning. I'm just going to go join the team that came back and kicked our ass.

I mean, can you imagine if movies would like that? All right. There's like the nerd getting beat up by the bully, you know, there's like five nerds getting beat up by these five bullies, right? It's five on five, right? And then the third act is not the fucking nerds figure out how to beat down the bullies. One of the nerds joins the other bullies and then helps them go back and beat up all his friends.

I mean, granted, I guess that kind of be funny if you're a sick fuck like me. But at the end of the day, that kind of movie is that. Well, maybe act two is that he goes to fucking Golden State and then act three is he comes back and he has one of those LeBron James type movies. I don't fucking know. All I know is that, you know, I kind of got back into the NBA this year. I started watching the Celtics and that type of shit. I mean, there was a great rivalry out West and now it's no more.

Did you hear what Charles Barkley? Oh, it's a great Boston name. Dude fucking Charles Barkley said fucking Kevin Durant, so cheater. Not cheating like Tom Brady. That was bullshit. Cheating like Kevin Durant. He's not on our team. So I'll hold him to the fizz, feet to the fire.

Not cheating like Jim Hersey. He said that. Yeah. He's trying to cheat his way to a championship. He used the wrong word. But I understand what he's saying. He's just, he's just a fucking, yeah, he just, he left the nerd table. He's, he's going to the bully table and then he's going to come back and beat up the nerds.

It'd be like, oh, look at me. I'm a tough guy over here. Isn't it amazing how much taller Kevin Durant is than me and I'm still giving him shit? That's the wonderful thing about podcasting is you can fucking talk shit within the safety of your own living room. All right, whatever, I'm going to get off this fucking topic, but I did in fact to confirm Michael Rappaport's real housewife tweet. By the way, is there anyone, can somebody please Photoshop him into one of those real

housewife fucking things? We had a great conversation laughing our balls off when we came to an agreement in the end of it. And that Danny Angel looking motherfucker goes on the internet and he, he tweets 180 letters or less about me. By the way, I have to apologize for, I love Michael Rappaport, you know, every time I see him, I always feel like this is still the last time I'm ever going to see him. You know, there's just something about him.

Even though he's younger than me, he just moves around like he's in his 80s. I think he has that disease. You know that disease Brad Pitt had in that movie where he was like a fucking old baby? Whatever the fuck happened. I don't know. That's what he, he reminds, no, that was just a fable, right? What is it called? A fairy tale.

Whatever. He fucking, he's like that, you know, you know, like when a fucking eight year old looks like they're 70, whatever that disease is called. I was going to say George Miken. It's not, that wasn't the guy. Who was the guy who played on Ohio State who went to Portland, that poor bastard, the micro fractures in his feet? I think he's playing in China now.

I can't remember. All I'm thinking is Haven Moses and I know he played for the Broncos in the 70s. I want to say his name was George, wasn't it? Okay. We got to look this up now. Ohio State, Ohio, Ohio State, Portland, micro fraction, not micro brewery, get the fuck out of here. Micro, micro breweries are the worst, really.

All right. What's his name? What's his name? Greg Oden. Michael Rappaport has Greg Oden disease. He does, and like Greg Oden, he got paid a ton of fucking money and he didn't follow through. He got paid, the National Podcasting Association drafted him number one to come on into the

podcasting world to talk about sports, thinking that he was going to be unfair, no, thinking that he was going to be biased and fair. I can't even fucking talk this morning. Oh my God. I can't wait to do his podcast again. You know, who's getting who with both a couple of real housewives, you know what I mean? I think I'm slightly better looking than him though, slightly, you know, and a little more mobile, you know, I think I bring a lot more to a team.

I'm like Spike Owen, right? Utility player. Him. I don't know what he is. He's like a fucking, Rappaport's like a fucking, you know. He's like that DH, you know, his career's over, you know, he can't touch his toes so they can't have him play first base. He just sits on the bench, eating sunflower seeds, gets up three, four times a game, squinting

into the fucking sun. He just swings through the fences, grounds out into a double play, kills the rally, you know, but he's got such a big contract, they can't get rid of him. He's like Greg Luzinski, if he went on a diet, no disrespect to Greg Luzinski. All right, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Oh, Formula One, right? I needed to apologize because when I was saying, when I watched the Austrian Grand Prix, that it was like fucking days of soccer, and I said, Lewis Hamilton was like the Tom Cruise,

the upstart. I had it completely wrong, and I want to thank everybody on Twitter that set me straight so eloquently. Hey, fuck stick. I guess Lewis Hamilton, he's won it three times. He's 31 fucking years old, and he's already won the Formula One championship three times. He won it in 2008, 2014, and 2015. Nico Rosberg has never won it.

So the reality is, is that Nico was the Tom Cruise, right? And Lewis Hamilton is the Val Kilmer. He's the Iceman. That's right, Iceman. I am dangerous, and then Lewis Hamilton clicks his teeth together for no fucking reason. All right, they're all sweaty and shit. I don't know. All I know is the British Grand Prix is this Sunday, and that dude, Toto, I swear to God,

that's his fucking nickname. All I want to do when I wake up in the morning is not see the team crash. That down with them, it was just like, listen, all right, right, stop fucking driving into each other, mate. Whatever the fuck he said, I don't know where he's from. I think he is from Austria. Who knows? I'm new to this sport, and I just like throwing out shit as fact.

You know what I mean? And why would I actually waste the time to read up on this sport when I can just make big fucking statements and people on Twitter will correct me anyways? Then I don't have to look it up. All I got to do is just scroll. You know? That's why these kids are so fucking dumb today, you know? They don't read books the way I used to.

You know? Three hours in, I'm 17 pages in. My fucking ADD's off the fucking chart, right? I'm sitting there reading about Tom Sawyer, you know, thinking about, I don't know what, you know, the Queen Mary. God knows whatever was said in that fucking book that made me think of something else. Apples. How's this some sort of arsenic in there?

And how many apples would you have to eat to actually poison yourself? You know? Eat so many fucking apples. I think there's arsenic or some shit in the, you know, the apples. Some sort of poison. I can't remember. But if you ate enough of them, right, you'd actually die, and then somebody would actually get to say at your eulogy, you know, an apple a day does in fact keep the doctor away.

But you know, you eat 42 of them, you're going to fucking die. But you know what? He died. Eat the fruity loaf. Um, anyways, let's, let's read some of the fucking horseshit here for this week. Let's read some of the advertising, shall we? Is this it? Is this the simple safe?

Why does that sound like bad food? All right. No, it isn't simple safe. All right. Helix. Helix. You're unique. You don't waste, you don't walk like everyone else, talk like everyone else.

Talk, walk, shoot, shit. That sounded like the, on that Marine Corps. I'm going to teach you how to walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States Marine Corps. All right. You're, you're unique, everybody. You don't walk like everyone else, talk like everyone else, or sleep like everyone else. So why is your mattress, your, so why is your mattresses? So why is your mattress, is that how you spell mattress?

Well, how do you spell mistress? So why is your mattress one size fits all? Gee, I don't know. I don't know because you, you fucking, because it fits because a truly customized mattress will cost you five to 10,000 bucks. Oh, that's the reason. Who the fuck has the money to do that? They should get audited immediately.

Do you know I was watching one of those Barrett Jackson's one time and they had one of those, gee, I'm that Parade of progress fucking elephant van there. Somebody spent $4.1 million on that fucking thing and was excited like they got a good deal. You know what I mean? That guy either needs to get audited or he has his wife bound and gagged in a fucking closet. How you pulled, hey, hey honey, look what I spent $4 million on, a giant fucking toaster

that you can drive. What do you mean? Do that. I thought it was a good deal. Fuck you, lady. Right? What are these things called? GM Parade.

This is still the average time. Parade of progress. I used to know what these things were called. Parade of progress image. The GM future liner. Look that fucking thing up. I mean, granted, it's kind of cool, but it is, it's like an easy bake oven that you can drive and somebody paid $4.1 million for that fucking thing.

You know? And all I said, all I could think was what was he doing in 2008 when the fucking economy crashed other than doing fucking cartwheels out the back door of whatever fucking bank he worked at? Oh, Bill. Oh, is that social commentary? You freckled cunt. Just shut up and read the advertising.

All right. Here we go. Helix, everybody. Helix. I'm going to read this like a fucking yoga instructor. You're unique. You don't walk like anyone else. Talk like anyone else or sleep like anyone else.

So why is your mattress one size fits all? Because a truly customized mattress will cost you $5,000 to $10,000. And how many starving children could that feed, $40,000, $50,000 million? For only half a cent a day, somehow you can give somebody three square meals on Ethiopian airlines. All right. It costs you $5,000 to $10,000 until now. So go to helix.sleep.com, answer a few simple questions, and they'll run a 3D biomechanical

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Gross. And give you 100% refund. No questions asked. You know what, a lot of homeless people are going to be getting a good night's sleep then because there's no fucking way you can resell that, can you? Or can you? I don't fucking know. All right.

Just dump it on a sidewalk. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr and get $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash burr. Hey, helixsleep.com slash burr. All right. And lastly, but certainly not leasely, oh, it's our old friend zip recruiter. Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job?

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Hey. All right. So once again, my European tour, my European motherfucking fucking tour. I am going to fucking, I am so excited about this tour. All right. I'm so excited. I love going to Europe. I love being everything that they want me to be.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm not going to be fat on this one because I've been hitting the elliptical there, but I'm going to be, I'm going to go over there, right? And I'm going to talk to them about the finer points of Donald Trump. That's what I want to do, especially in Scotland where they had the nerve to called our fucking orange-headed cunt, a fucking orange-headed cunt. You got a lot of fucking nerve Scotland calling an orange-headed cunt, an orange-headed cunt.

I mean, why don't you look around your country? There's plenty of orange-headed cunts there. All right. We have very few here. Every once in a while, they run for president when they're in between seasons of their reality show. Okay. And what's great about our country is everybody truly does get a chance.

Unlike your countries. I have no fucking idea what's going on over there. Evidently, England decided to not be part of the European Union. Is that what happened? I love how like as an American, I'm supposed to know this shit, a union that I'm not into. I understand what's going on over there. The banks are sewing up all your fucking countries. It's like when you fucking buy a co-op versus a condo.

You buy a condo, the person next to you can be a fucking junkie. Who gives a shit? You still got your condo. But if you're in a co-op, playoffs, if you're in a co-op, this is the deal, you're not buying an apartment. What you're doing is you're buying shares in the building. But now you're tied in with the whole building. So basically, if your neighbors, enough of your neighbors go bankrupt and the whole building

goes under, you lose your shares. And you either have to move out of your apartment or you go back to rent again. And you're like, wait a minute. I thought I bought it. No, no, no, sir. You bought shares in the building. You paid your way, but these other cunts didn't. And because they didn't, you go down to the bottom of the lagoon with them.

That to me is what the European Union is, right? And that's what banks want, right? They just fucking bankrupt them. And I don't know what the fuck they do. They play that little fucking game. They buy low and then they fucking go, aye, they'll fucking, they pull the money out and everybody falls in their fucking ass and then they got another castle, you know? I think that that's how the economy works, right?

And it's all run by shape shifters. OK, just shit like that. You know what I mean? Especially when I'm in London and those stupid fucking critics show up. It's fucking guys. Critics are the fucking worst. There's nothing you can do. There's no show that you can have that they're not going to rip the shit out of it.

And it just fucking hilarious to me. It's like, I don't need critics. All right, if I wanted to feel bad about having a good show, I'd just call my mom. No fucking need you to be doing a job. You know, whatever. All right, July 31st, everybody, Dublin, Ireland. All right, then August 1st, I'm in Belfast. I've never been there.

Belfast, Ireland. The fuck is this? Belfast, UK. All right. It's Ireland. I think it's about time England got the fuck out of there. Um, can you imagine saying that as Americans? Seriously, you know, as we're putting up cheesecake factories in the Middle East.

All right, August 1st, Belfast, UK. August 2nd, I'm in Galway, Ireland. Which is way out on the West Coast. And evidently, the closest airport is like a fucking hour away from it. So I don't understand what this is. This seems like should I ruin it and actually fucking Google some pictures of it? Galway, Ireland. Let's see what we got here.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, I knew it. I knew this is going to be one of these fucking which is a warlock, one of those fucking movies type cities, Harry Potter. Look at this fucking place. Oh, my God, I'm only spending a day there. Wow. Look at the fucking castles.

Holy shit. I'm going to drive in there, do the show, and then I got to drive right back so I can make my flight. What the fuck am I going? Did I fuck it up? Where am I going next? All right, I go to oh, then I fly to Bristol. England and then Manchester, England.

The sober, sophisticated Manchester. I'm thinking that's going to be a nice mellow crowd. Fucking lunatics. That's what I'm anticipating in Manchester. I'm anticipating there going to be a bunch of fucking lunatics, which is which is fine by me. I grew up in Massachusetts, you know, London, England, August 5th and August 6th with the country critics.

August 7th, I'll be in Amsterdam. And then August 8th, I will be in Edinburgh. For two shows. All right, so we got a late show, too. OK, then I got a couple of days off. We'll be hanging out with other orange-headed cunts like myself. And then August 11th, I'm in Germany, Cologne, Germany. Body wash, Germany.

Then August 12th, I'm in Antwerp, Belgium. Oh, look at this. August 27th, I'm in Reno, Reno, Nevada. Reno, Nevada. And at that point, we will be only a couple of months away from that fucking kitchen TV, square-headed, fucking safe, crazy-eyed, smiling psycho from becoming the next fucking president of the United States.

Oh, that's going to be a rough one. Watching all these ladies saying how fucking what an important day it is for women. I guess it will be because a woman would be elected president. This is just my prediction here. All right, but Jesus Christ, couldn't we have gotten one that didn't have 58 pending fucking felonies? That's not a red flag to anybody.

You know, I don't know. What are you going to do? Those are our choices. I don't know why a fucking maniac who, you know, doesn't know how to use email properly. You know, sending out secrets to her friends. And then some fucking guy who's, I don't know, who really should just be a carnival barker.

I feel like Trump should just be standing next to some impossible game to win, talking about how it's the greatest game ever. You know, as he hits on underage chicks. I don't know, that's just just the opinions of somebody who can't pronounce words while he reads out loud. What do you say to that, Cleo? That's the that's a podcast here for this this Thursday afternoon. Can sell. Oh, I, you know what?

Somebody please send me a fucking whatever you call a Photoshop picture of fucking rapper Ports face on Danny Ange's body when he played for the Celtics. I really want to see that today. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do with my head. You know, I don't give a fuck. That's it. All right. All right, I got to go hit the elliptical.

So I'm not a fucking fat fuck at the end of this writing season here. Congratulations to Kevin Durant. On your next on your in your first championship ring. You know, I want to put together a stand up tour like that. You know what I mean? I want to join like the like if Louis CK and Dave, Dave Chappelle would do it like a stand up tour. I'd somehow like I know.

No, I don't know I do like their next stand up specials. I'll splice part of my hour in there and get credit. All right, that's it. You guys have a great weekend, your cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday. Enjoy the music and another half hour of. Monday morning podcast back from the after year. Oh man.

Oh, from my brain is where I bleed. Insanity, it seems. It's got me by my soul to speak. Well, all the love for me. Without a diet, trees, I scream. The beach is in... Hey, what's going on? This is Oprah, and this is the Monday morning podcast

that I'm actually doing from my home phone rather than my cell phone. I finally figured out how to call in this MySpace fucking Jesus Christ. I'm having one of those weeks, all right? I just babbled for 12 minutes and decided that I didn't like it and now I have to fucking start all over again.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. Do you think I want to do this? I don't want to fucking do this. You know, sometimes in life, you got to do what you got. Yeah, you know what? Yeah, these fucking podcasts, man. Yeah, along these things take,

some weeks I get on here, you know, I just babble. It's fucking gold, just half hour, just running my goddamn mouth. I don't even have to think. And then there's other times it's just, it's like shoveling wet snow. And you know what? I'm fucking sticking this one out

because I'm not going to start over again. Hey, sometimes, you know what? Sometimes you're just not that funny. Your fucking mind's broken up or whatever. I don't know, let's just get down to goddamn brass tacks here and I'll let you know what I got going on. All right, my name's Bill Burrow.

This is my MySpace page. This is my Monday morning podcast. I do one of these every goddamn week. Okay, I try to get people a nice laugh to start off their fucking weeks. And we start off in a good mood and then I end up getting frustrated with my own ineptness

and then I end up just fucking, I don't know, I end up snapping and I say fuck a lot. All right? And okay, let's get on with, people ask me questions, I answer them. Look at me, I'm just, you know, I'm just blowing through this.

Just blowing through the explanations. I usually take my time and explain this. You know what this is like? You ever like break your arm or something and you go to school the next day and since the first kid goes, hey man, what happened to your arm? Right?

And you give them every last fucking detail. Okay? But then by the time you've told the fucking story to like the 12th person, by the time the 13th person comes up to you, you're like, I fucking fell down. All right? What the fuck do you think happened?

You know? That's the mindset I'm in right now as I do this podcast. After just blowing 12 minutes of horizon time on my home phone. All right, here we go. Let's get down with this shit here. Let's get on with it.

I put up a new video because I am desperately trying to get myself to become part of the new millennium. It's right underneath the podcast. If you look there, you'll see the very blurry, very blurry me and a Winnipeg jet shirt, by the way, because I'm old school, old school hooky. That's me at the punchline in Atlanta.

And before you watch the video, I just want to give you a little backstory of what happened. I was actually, it was Thursday night and it was a couple of weeks ago. And it's one of my favorite clubs now. I was just having one of these awesome sets where I was really open and free. And everything was just flowing

as opposed to this podcast, which feels very arduous, very work-like. Did I use that word correctly? Why the fuck is Quest Love wearing those fucking lime green pants? I just realized that. Anyways, I was having one of these, one of these just really open, just great sets.

And I was about 12 minutes in and everybody was laughing. Everybody was having a good time. I was having a good time. But for some reason, there was this lady in the crowd and it wasn't enough that she felt my jokes were funny. She was somehow agreeing with the things

that I was saying on stage. So rather than laughing at the end of every joke, when the punchline came out, instead of laughing, she would just yell out, thank you, after every joke. The rest of the crowd would be laughing and then I would just hear this woman's voice over everybody, thank you. So this video picks up about 12 minutes into my set.

She's already yelled, thank you, like fucking 12 times. And I feel how annoying that is with me saying that to you. Just imagine being on stage, trying to keep the crowd, trying to keep the fucking plate spinning and somebody keeps yelling that shit out. So she yells it out for, I guess, basically the sixth time and that's when I finally snapped. But I snapped in a good way.

I was proud of myself where I didn't chop her head off and be overly mean. It was kind of mean, but it was definitely funny and I just want to let you guys know, I'm gonna start taping all my sets because I riff a lap and I end up missing a lot of good lines that I could keep in my act and also random shit happens.

And I'm gonna start posting some of the random shit that happens up here unless people really start to enjoy these and then they come out to my shows and then they deliberately try to yell out something, which is always the risk of it. But basically I like doing this kind of thing because I want to give you guys some new laughs without having to burn any material.

You know what I mean? I mean, I'm not threatening Resner here. I can't just give away my new hour for free, like he can. I'm jealous of musicians, right? They can just fucking put the goddamn music out for free now and then everybody comes to their shows and when they know all the words,

they get the thing along so it's different. Then he can go, you know, we're gonna break it down Detroit. We're gonna break it down here, right? And then he slows the fucking song down and then everybody goes, whatever, brings the music level down and everybody sings along. You can't do that with jokes. Maybe if I start to sing on my jokes,

maybe I'll do that, I'll come up with a fucking ukulele on stage, you know, if I could fucking sing. That's why guitar racks blow up, man. I'm telling you, I'm fucking telling you. I heard about some kid in Massachusetts, this kid, he's been putting funny songs up on YouTube for the last year and he just sold out the comedy connection. It's like 17 fucking years old.

You know, Lange took me to sell out the comedy connection, 15 fucking years telling jokes. You know why? Cause I don't sing. If I would just sing my goddamn jokes. What's the deal with labs? Everybody! If I would just do that.

If I would just do that, I don't know, you know? I don't know what would happen. You know, something, you always wanna think, you know, if I just did that, then I'd be here. You never think of all the failed guitar racks. You know, the ones that you guys don't see. You just see the successful ones, you know? The ones with their half hour specials,

the ones selling out theaters, all right? You don't see the ones that open for me when I go to Portland, Oregon. Or at least when I did back in the day, way back in the day, 10 years ago, he played a club called Harvey's. All I remember was the walls were green and the guy used to, he used to give the whole show away.

Which basically he would have telemarketers call people up and just be like, hey, guess what? You've won tickets to, you've won four free tickets to a comedy show. And the people would be like, holy shit, how the fuck did I win those? I didn't even enter the contest.

You know? Well, you won them because comedy was not selling well. 10 years ago. So they used to give, basically they'd give away the show. He'd walk into this fucking place. It'd be a Tuesday. You know, I'd come moseying and I'm thinking, all right, the Tuesday it'll be half full,

no one knows who the fuck I am. I'll lean on the mic stand, I'll riff, I'll get some new jokes. And you would walk in there and you would think that Springsteen was gonna come on. It was jam-packed, 400 fucking drunk ass people who didn't know me and did not give a shit whether the show was good or not.

Really, because they already felt like they'd already won, they got free tickets. So you would go up there and it would just be, it'd be a fucking zoo. It would be an absolute zoo. And a lot of lumberjack, that was the vibe I got. You know, Oregon has a lot of trees and you'd be down there in Portland

and you'd be thinking, all right, it's very crunchy, very sort of progressive, but you know, those cunts don't come out to shows. The lumberjacks would come out. They'd be screaming and yelling and eating burgers that would have fried eggs on the top of them. And it sucked. And I don't even know why I'm talking about that.

I already forgot I spaced halfway through that fucking story because that's the mindset I'm in this week. You know what it is? I got a zillion fucking things I gotta take care of because I'm on my way to Pittsburgh this week and I'm flying in a day early to do, I'm doing a lot of radio this week because I'm gonna try to sell that fucking place out.

I'm gonna be on WDVE with Randy Bowman this week. And if I had any fucking brains, I would have looked that up and given you, I don't know. It's 100 points something, I think. If you live in Pittsburgh, you can listen to me. And I'll be, you listen to me in the morning, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning, and Friday morning, and then you come out on the weekend,

you check out my show. Just for the love of God, just come out to my goddamn show, okay, I don't fucking know, I don't want to tell you. Please, I don't wanna stand there alone. Okay, that mall is the most depressing fucking mall in America. For those of you who've never been to it, the Pittsburgh improv is in a mall called the Stacks.

Why do they call it the Stacks? Basically because I guess the mall used to be a steel mill. Okay, when we used to have industry in this country before they started telling us that everything was too expensive to make in this country. So they had to ship it to a third world country and have some eight year old kid make fucking spittoons or whatever the fuck it is you're making

a goddamn steel mill, right? Rather than being like, no, all Americans are involved with unions and they want health insurance and they want to get paid for their work. They just fucking picked up and left, but this is what they did. They knocked down the factory, but they kept the stacks.

Just to remind you that people, you know, they just reminded me of Poltergeist, you know? You moved the headstones, but you didn't move the bodies. Why? That's what they did at that mall. They moved the factory, but they left the smoke stacks. That's what they did to remind you that hardworking Americans used to have jobs there

and they could support their families and they made shit out of steel that other Americans would then buy. Okay, and the dollar was worth something, but they got rid of all that. They shipped it somewhere else and in its wake they left fucking cheesecake factories, lucky jeans, and the fucking cold stone creamery.

But in tribute to all those people that they fucked over, they left the chimneys. Isn't that nice? A little nod to the past. And now they're fucking kids, what are they doing? Where do they work? You ever notice that when you meet people and they come up to you, you ask them what the fuck they do?

You don't even know what it is. What do you do? I work in a steel mill. Okay, you work in a mill, there's steel there, and you work there, so you work with steel in a mill. I get that. I understand what that job is. What do you do?

I'm the milkman. Okay, you're a man, there's milk, and you fucking deliver it, man. You're the milkman. I get it. I fucking get it. Do you realize how many jobs there are that people actually understand

what the fuck it is you do now? There's very few left. I'm a mailman. I'm a man, I deliver mail. I'm the fucking mailman. Back then, they were simple, simple fucking names. All right? I'm a silversmith, all right?

Smith, meaning to hit with a hammer, like smite, and I'll do it with silver, a fucking silversmith. All right, there wasn't any, the regional director of the fucking, you know, so I can't even give you an example of somebody's job. I'm trying to think of the, all these computer, I sit in a cubicle and make somebody else's dream happen.

I'm telling you right now, man, if you're sitting in a fucking cubicle, just do something rebellious today. Just take one of the screws out of your fake, I don't really have an office wall that they put in front of you, to make you feel like you have half an office, but the reality is they don't want you

looking at other people. You know, I think I've talked about this before. Do you guys ever see that movie, The Apartment, starring Jack Lemon? If you see the beginning of that movie, that's what the cubicle area used to look like. You still had a sea of people, you know, slugging away, looking like a bunch of goddamn salmon,

swimming upstream with fucking pipe riders in front of them, but they didn't have walls around them, like they were on punishment, you know? You could look at the person next to you, shoot the shit, but then somewhere along the line, they're like, oh, they're fucking talking, we can't have them looking at themselves. They're literally treating you like children.

It's just, I don't know, it just fucking, it just blows my mind, you know what I mean? I'd rather sell drugs. All right, so anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast, and people send me a question. If you're new to my page, if you haven't defected to fucking Facebook, like the fag that you are, you know what I mean?

I love how these people go into Facebook now, like the same herd of assholes that went from Friendster to Myspace isn't gonna, you know, they're not gonna eventually end up over there, like there's not gonna be much of spam about ringtones and a bunch of whores with their butt cracks and their titties hanging out, you know? Sending you generic emails,

trying to make it seem like they didn't send it to everybody else, but you realize that they did, because rather than calling you by your name, it just says, hey, you, love your page. By the way, I'm the fucking Nokia phone whore of the month, or whatever the hell they, you know, all those stupid beauty contest things that they go to win. I'm sticking it out here, man.

All right, and all you guys who are all going over to Facebook, you know what you like, you like that, you ever see that movie, the Titanic, where there's those guys, you know, who fucking jumped into the rafts all by themselves, those selfish sons of bitches who were actually smart, who listened to that voice that says, I need to fucking survive.

Well, maybe they are smart, then. Maybe they realize that my space, maybe my space is a sinking ship, you know? I don't know, that'd be actually kind of funny. No, it wouldn't, because they've already made their money off it. Rupert Murdoch already bought this thing, he made a billion dollars already, fucking cunt.

All right, I answer questions here. I'm really just babbling here. I answer questions here every week. People send me questions, I try to answer them to the best of my ability, and here we go. Here are the podcast questions of the week. Oh, and by the way, when you watch my video, could you please send me a comment

if you like it or whatever, because that's like a new thing that I really want to start doing, just putting some random moments up there like that. So let me know, let me know what you think. Okay, question number one. Hey Bill, which one was better? Mike Richter's insane save against Pavel Burey,

that's how you say it, Pavel Burey, never know how to say these Russian guys' names. It's insane save against his penalty shot or Patrick Waugh, Mike Vernon going at it centerize. I'm definitely gonna say Mike Richter, just because that was one of the best years ever in hockey. That was like 2004 when the Red Sox finally wanted to watch the Rangers finally win the cup

and everybody go crazy. That was just an amazing moment. And the Patrick Waugh, Mike Vernon then, you know, it was a great fight. It's great to see Patrick Waugh lose, but you know, that one was for the Stanley Cup. And I remember watching that in 1994 and watching the Rangers win it.

I remember thinking clearly, that's what it's gonna be like when the Red Sox, that they ever get their heads out of their asses and they finally fucking win one. That's gonna be what it's like. So I was living vicariously. And for some reason, I didn't hate the Rangers for the simple fact that I was not old enough

when the Rangers, last time the Rangers Bruins rivalry was great, which was back in the 70s. I was still just a, just a little lad with a big mop of fucking red hair, looking like that dude Jody on a family affair. All right. And that's why I became a comedian because that's who the fuck I look like.

And I got the shit kicked out of me. All right, question number two. Bill, how the hell does Paris Hilton keep getting movie roles? Well, I actually thought about this one. And I think the reason that she keeps getting movie roles is because not to be crude, but she's not afraid to show the clam. You know, and I think, you know,

you know, I think that's how you got to do it sometimes as a woman. You got it just every once in a while, you just got to take your pussy out, you know? And I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sharon Stone did it. Sharon Stone was, you know, meandering around all these fucking B movies.

She, you know, she had a halfway decent role in some sort of Schwarzenegger movie, but it wasn't until she showed the clam that people, you know, sat up and took notice. Next thing you know, she's in that movie Casino and delivered one of the best performances. I thought she, well, she nominated for an Oscar. She should have won one that year,

but that's when showing the clam kind of hurt her because all the other women resented her. You know what I mean? They thought that she was a whore rather than she did what she had to do. And I don't understand when women get upset when they're like, you know, you're treating me like a, you know, like a sexual object.

And it's like, you are a sexual object. You know what I mean? That's like, I'm like, oh, you just fucking using me cause I can pick up heavy shit. I can't pick up, I mean, not extra heavy shit, but heavier shit cause I'm a guy. You know, that's where Hillary Clinton fucked up her campaign when she fucking put on the pants suit.

You know, she should have sexed it up a little, ramped it up, God gave you titties, use them. Show little cleavage. You know what I mean? That's what she should have done. And people, you know, if you think that's something that's stupid, you know, guys don't get elected because of their brains.

Bill Clinton got elected because he played the saxophone on fucking Arsenio Hall. And when Arsenio came in to do the black handshake, somehow Bill Clinton was able to do it without fucking breaking his wrist. And I think that right there was when, that was the turning of it. What else did he do?

He just sat there smiling with his mouth open, going change, America won't change. He didn't say anything. He played the fucking saxophone. So if you're a woman, you know, show a little tittie. Show a little tittie, that's all I could tell you. God, I'm so ignorant. All right, question number three.

Bill, what the fuck is this one? All right, thanks for answering my questions. All right, this is an up and coming comedian. I competed in a funniest person contest in a city that I will not, I'm not gonna name, because I don't get this person in trouble, just in case one of my 14 listeners is the club owner of that.

Anyways, the owner said that he would not hire any of the comedians to work for any of the clubs because we were too vulgar. The crazy thing is, I noticed that it was an older crowd, but I was being stubborn and decided to do my normal routine, which is some dirty jokes. In your opinion, do you think you're selling out if you adjust your comedic style

to get into the big corporate clubs? Okay, all right, I know what you're saying here. I've done the same thing. I've looked out in the crowd going, okay, this is what I wanna talk about. You look at them, you judge them, and you go, well, I'm gonna be eating my balls at least 40% of my set if I stick with what I wanna do.

And yeah, when you 100% adjust your act, you, yeah, you definitely, yeah, you feel dirty. You know, not to use a pun there, but yeah, you don't feel good, but it isn't 100% selling out if you know, I don't know, it's one of those weird things where it's your own judgment call, you know what I mean? Because I used to do those NACA things.

For those of you who aren't comedians here, they have these things every year, these national showcases for college gigs. And when I used to showcase for them, I would go up and I would just do my act, you know? And I remember one year, something that was going on in my act was the first time I got an HIV test

and I was talking about the fear of it, which is, and it's really not a joke that you wanna do when a college showcase. You just wanna do your happy shit. And I didn't, I was like, fuck that man, I'm fucking selling out. So I went up there and I did my shit. And you know what, I got zero schools

and I just got people, they kept coming up to me going, we think you're hilarious. You know, they kept getting the whole, well, if it was up to me, I'd book you, but I can't because of blah, blah, blah, blah. And what I learned was, sometimes you gotta play the game a little bit. So what I would then do was I would go up,

after that, I would go up and do a squeaky clean set. Then I would book the colleges and then when I went to the colleges, I would actually then do my act and then do the shit that I wanted to talk about. So in a weird way, I actually won because I got the money and I still got to do what I wanted to do.

And I got people to hear the material, more people to hear the material that I wanted them to hear. I just had to be, I had to whore myself out. You know, I had to put on the tuxedo for like fucking five, six minutes. Geez, you just brought up a really bad fucking memory. No, but dude, I would say, you know, on your way up,

yeah, nobody wants, you know, a lot of headliners don't wanna go on in front of a guy who kills and they also don't wanna go on in front of a guy who's, you know, if you're being a little dirty, that gives them an excuse to kind of be like, not just say that I can't follow this guy, they'll be like, oh, he's just being dirty. So yeah, play the game a little bit, you know,

you play the game a little bit and then as people get to know who you are, you get way more leeway. And eventually you get to do your thing. You know what I mean? It's one of those things. You gotta be like a tree, you know, bend but don't break, you know, I don't know.

Do whatever the fuck you wanna do, but, you know, I don't know, that's my two cents. I don't fucking know. I have no confidence in my goddamn opinions. I don't even know why people ask me questions. All right, question number four. Bill, have you been approached about doing any shows since your skits on Chappelle?

Yeah, I pitch one every year and I try to get them on TV, but for those of you who always ask me, how come you don't have your own TV show? Because it's really hard. It's all I can tell you, okay? It's very hard to get a show on TV because believe it or not,

a lot of people wanna get a show on television because you can make a lot of money. So I keep getting closer. Keep getting closer. Hey, Bill, what do you think about Shaq's rap about Kobe, who was the bigger D-bag in this never-ending saga? I think Shaq was just fucking around. I thought he was joking, but he wasn't joking,

but he was joking. You know what I mean? I mean, if somebody gets arrested for a potential rape and they bring my name up during it, you know, I think I have the license to give him shit for a while. And if I'm in a club and I wanna fucking make fun of him a little bit, yeah. I don't know, I just looked at Shaq's face.

I thought he was clearly joking around and it was so over-the-top. Kobe, how's my ass taste? I mean, I don't know. How does it taste, Shaq? I don't know, like you've been running full court for the last 15 years? What a disgusting question.

All right, number five, we've got a lot of questions this week. I'm gonna try to blow through them. Bill went to the Tempe Improv, saw this comic. He was good, but the opening act was killing it. He was so funny. Do you ever get worried or stressed that your opener is gonna be more funny than you?

Is there any sort of process you go through picking your opener? Am I worried about them being more funny? Well, no, I'm not. They're fucking middle-acts for a reason. All right, if you can't follow a middle-act, then you're not a headliner. I've definitely had some funny guys on in front of me,

but I think that's a good thing. You know what I mean? You don't wanna be sparring with somebody who sucks because then you're gonna end up sucking. So I believe in going out with, bringing in a middle-act that's funny and original. And that's my process to picking an opener. I use Jodorosa, Kevin Shea.

I'm gonna be using this guy, Todd Rex, up in San Francisco, these guys. Todd Rex, in particular, no disrespect to those other two cunts, but he really fucking kills, so I'll let my work cut out for me that week. But yeah, I don't wanna be that guy. I don't wanna have some guy who just goes up there

with a lampshade on his head and stinks. Wow, these are a lot of questions here. Is this podcast getting too long? All right, hey Bill, I got a question for your podcast. You ever get a chance to meet George Carlin? Unfortunately, no, I didn't. I was supposed to meet him when was it?

I was supposed to be right before he did his special. He's supposed to be doing the comedy and magic club down on Hermosa Beach, and I had just done a spot down there, and they said, hey, he's coming in, whatever, on a Wednesday or a Tuesday. He can come down, watch the show, and you can meet him afterwards.

And it was going to be a dream come true, but he ended up getting sick. Obviously his health was failing, and he ended up canceling. So I never got a chance to meet him, but I did get a chance to see him. And he absolutely blew me away. And it was actually, it was a long time,

it was like 20 years ago before I was even doing comedy. And I did at least get to see him, because I never got to see prior. So at least I can say that I saw him. And with him passing, it's really making me want to go see Don Rickles, because that guy's in his 80s, and he's still fucking hilarious.

And I don't know, he's a comedian. I think anybody who likes comedy should see those guys. So no, I did not get a chance to meet him, but I did get to see him in person. And obviously, as you can see on my page, he was a huge influence on me, obviously. All right, all right, what are we doing here? Two more questions,

and then I'm going to wrap this fucking thing up. Number seven, Bill, do you, okay, I actually got a fucking asked advice here on dating. Do you, you know, I'm fucking not married at 40, and somebody's asking me advice on relationships. Okay, you really need to consider your sources here. All right, that's like, why don't you go ask somebody on heroin?

Do you think math is bad? You know? Hey man, if you like doing it, you should fucking do it. All right, here we go. Bill, do you think a person deserves more than one date to determine if there is chemistry? Are you saying went out on a date with a guy? It turns out he wasn't my type.

Well, there's your answer right there, but he had a nice personality. But I feel you should know, you should feel something immediately. You're answering your questions. It's not like he was my friend to begin with, or will be my friend that'll have time to grow on me. I feel very mean and superficial.

Oh, oh, okay, there you go right there. There's your first mistake with dating. When you date, you have to be unbelievably selfish. Unbelievably selfish, or you're not gonna get what you want. And it's not even being selfish, because if you settle for something that you don't want, you're not gonna be happy, okay?

And then you're gonna make the other person miserable, and that's not fair to the other person. So fuck that guy, all right? Fuck him and his nice personality. Hook him up with another one of your friends. Say, hey, I met a guy that I'm not into, but he has a nice personality. You know what I mean?

That's like watching a TV show that you don't enjoy, but you really like the look of it. At the end of it, you don't like the fucking show. So how long are you gonna be interested in? You know, I don't know. It's like friends. I used to watch friends. And I lived in New York City.

I was like, God, look at that apartment. Wish I had a fucking huge apartment like that. But I hated the fucking show. So at the end of the day, I didn't watch the show. How long can you look at the couch? All right, question number eight. This is the final question. Bill, why, while this is a cheesy question, I'm a chef.

So I always ask and I think the answer says a lot. What is your favorite food slash restaurant? Ah, what is my favorite food? I like steak-ums, and I really like that steak and shake. You know, I've got two things I really enjoy, red meat and shakes. Now, I'm really, I don't know, I like everything. I would say Italian.

I think Italians make the best food, hands down. And it's absolutely delicious. And, you know, the olive oil and just, you know what? I love about Italians who really know how to cook. They know how to add stuff. Like, they don't over, like, I'll explain it. Like, whatever they add enhances the dish. It doesn't overpower it.

You know what I mean? Like, take like the art of making pizza. Somewhere along the line, the cheese on the pizza, rather than enhancing the taste of the sauce, the cheese became the focal point. Okay? I can't explain it. Like, it became the lead in the movie

when it was actually, you know, the guy who had two lines in the movie. It's like a little pizza hut. They got it all over. They got it in the crust. They got it everywhere. You're just eating a big brick of cheese and it tastes like fucking shit.

And you can't move your bottles afterwards. I like Italian food. I like the olive oil that they cook with. I just, you know, it's very clean. You know, you drink that, you know, that sip of wine. As long as you don't eat like you're going to the fucking Olive Garden, you just feel great. You take your time.

The whole thing. That's what I like about Italian food and restaurants, like the whole thing, the lighting, the ambiance, everything. So anyways, with that, my favorite restaurant when I was in New York was, I used to really, I liked Lupa. That was my favorite one, the Mario Battale one.

And out here in LA, one of the best ones I went to, I haven't been to a lot out here. I went to Motta, which is another Mario Battale one. But I'm sort of like a hacky restaurant guy where if they have a show on the Food Network, I end up going to it. Like, you know that blonde guy who wears the sunglasses backwards on his head?

He's actually a favorite chef of Joe DeRosa's. I forget his fucking name, but he just goes around to diners and that type of shit. And I hated his restaurant in Sacramento. And it was one of the worst fucking things I ever went to. He actually had, I think I talked about it, he had this sushi roll that had pork and french fries in it with some sort of barbecue sauce and it wasn't rice.

I don't know what it was. It was some sort of pasty thing. It was absolutely fucking disgusting. And it's in Sacramento, don't go to it. And there you go. That's the end of the fucking podcast questions. I think that's it. I think that's it for the week.

Also, I trashed Best Buy last week, said I wasn't gonna go there anymore because they had that 15% restocking fee. Somebody sent me an email about that, that if you buy something there and you don't like it and you bring it back, they still charge you 15% of it to just stick it back on the shelf.

So some Best Buy person wrote, why work at Best Buy and trust me, it's necessary. They do it mainly on computers because when we sell one, we only make about 20 bucks in profit. Really? Is that how you keep that big store open? You make $20 on each laptop?

I don't buy that. And when someone decides to return it, if we have to sell it for below cost, no, you don't. I've never gone into Best Buy and seen a TV or anything that says everything there is full price. What are you talking about? I don't know. I'm gonna give you the benefit.

I'm not gonna give you the benefit of the doubt because Best Buy, I'm not saying it's you, sir, who wrote this fucking thing, but you work for an evil fucking place that put mom and pop fucking places out of business, okay? Back in the day when you returned something, they just returned it. They put it back in the fucking box

and they stuck it on the shelf. They didn't charge you 15%. Okay, that's one of those exploiting new revenue streams, new way to come up with extra money to fuck the customer. I firmly believe that. I've been in Best Buy, I've shopped in Best Buy, I've never seen any UCDs, any used computers, everything is brand new, okay?

So maybe you gotta clarify that. Is there some sort of off the rack, Best Buy thing down the street, Best Buy part two? I have no idea, but I'm still saying fuck Best Buy. So why don't you write me a follow-up, okay? I know there's a bit of a cunt there, so explain it further because I don't get it. So anyways, that's the podcast for the week.

Thanks to everybody who sent me and all the goddamn questions. And what am I gonna say here? Yeah, I'm gonna be at the Improv in Pittsburgh this week. For the love of God, please come out. I got a brand new hour that I'm really proud of and it's really depressing to be at that goddamn mall with the stacks, you know, the Poltergeist stacks,

this fucking chimney's there, okay? I'm going to the Pirates Game Wednesday night, all right? It'll be me and 30 other fucking people there, so you'll be able to see me. Come up to me and say what's up Wednesday night against the Astros. For the news, I'll be in the Comedy Works in Denver in the first week of August.

And what else? I got the Improv in Miami. I got a bunch of gigs coming up. I have an upcoming tour and upcoming hour special coming out August 23rd on Comedy Central. If I had half a brain, I would have said that at the beginning of this podcast. My new CD is coming out August 3rd.

And I think that's it. Please keep the questions coming. And that is it. Thanks for listening to the podcast. You guys have yourself a great week. All right, take it easy. Just don't know Like I took, I took how to take it slow

When I find my disservice I'm gonna give you some of my time Two day love smile on me It took away my pain, said please Or let your ride get free You gotta let it be, oh yeah Where I go, I just don't know Like I took, I took how to take it slow

When I find my peace of mind I'm gonna give you some of my good time Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Yeah Was so polite, Andy Well, I got everything I need I'll make my days of free And take away my self-destruction

It's bitter, baby, and it's very sweet And holy, run across the bottom of my feet Take me to the river, let me on your shore I'll be coming back, baby, I'll be coming back from home Do do do do thing, go say get on home But they ain't got no summer, no more congon day Lacking up for kids, but I want out of them I've never bled just how much I've suffered

I won't regret it never Where I grew up, just don't know Like I've got two, got two, gotta take it slow When I find my peace of mind I'm gonna need your summer, my good time Where I grew up, just don't know Like I've got it just somewhere in Mexico When I find my peace of mind

I'm gonna keep it for the end of time The Genesight Test Visit Genesight.com for more information