Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-7-22

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

Bill rambles about tribal morons, kid's habits, and a reality show house.

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That's all I'm doing. Nothing aggressive today. Just, you know, just hanging out. Um, hey, I got a great way. Do you hate your job, people? I'm gonna be a bit of a pitch man today. Hey man, do you hate your job? Do you go in there thinking if I have to fucking walk through those goddamn doors one more time, I think I'm gonna stick my head through the play glass window. Like me back in the day when I said I'd make a pie.

Hi rep. Fucking stealing from my own act here. Um, just tell people you have COVID. Get yourself 10 days off. You know, two of those will be a weekend day. Just tell people you have COVID. Nobody asks to see the test result. Ah, I can't come in. I got COVID. You sound all right. Yeah, I may symptomatic, but all you better stay home and tell your, you know, if I got a test negative. All they want to see is the negative test.

Stay the fuck home. Sorry, I just get back from, uh, from France. I guess COVID, like Hulk Hogan's pythons are running wild. What are you gonna do when COVID comes and gets you? Somebody told me, hey, if you get it, man, take, uh, they got a new drug out there, man. It's called Pax Lovid. And I was like, I'm not taking that shit. And they said, why not?

Because it rhymes with the disease. It rhymes with the virus. I'm not fucking taking that shit. You know, got pneumonia, take, uh, splavonia. Wait a minute. My wife goes, uh, because she got shingles. Take Pringles. Why does it rhyme with the disease?

Well, because it's a virus, part of the virus, hospital, other parts of the cure. I have no idea. But I was just thinking, you know, when I got the COVID back in, uh, January there, I, um, you know, first of all, they didn't even know I fucking had it. That was a great thing. I didn't even know I fucking had it because I went out and, and I got that microchip shot into my body. By the way, dude, I don't think I've ever gotten more goddamn shit for some stupid fucking standup thing than I did for that Netflix thing I hosted.

Good Lord. What a bunch of fucking babies. I talked about COVID and written house. You'd think I'd fucking tore up the Declaration of Independence. Um, fucking unreal, man. Fucking unreal. These people, uh, bills of fucking government shill. Fucking wine and goddamn babies, man.

I, you know, I do love about the left and the right. Aside from the fact that my fellow countrymen is they just have no fucking self-awareness of like how they, everything that they say they don't, that the other side's doing, they're fucking doing both sides are doing it. Like, um, you know, in the 2000s, what we'll just do right now, right now, like the rebels, man. The people saying, hey, man, fuck the government, man. This isn't what the founding fathers were talking about, man. That's the right. They're like, fuck you, government.

Fuck you. I'm not listening to you. I don't trust you. Fuck you. You want my guns? Come and get them, right? They're doing that shit. Those same fucking assholes in the 2000s, when dumbass George Bush went ahead and bankrupted this fucking country by trying to shoehorn 9-11 into Iraq,

they were like, you know, he's fucking going like, he has weapons of mass destruction and a nuclear fucking whatever program. We got to go stop it. And he was part of 9-11. And I don't think he likes my dad, right? So then we fucking go in there. The guy's got nothing. And then it goes from, uh, we're stopping him from that. It goes to a liberation.

It's like, did you just change the fucking mission like overnight after you committed all of these lives and money over there? So liberals were going, no, don't do that. The government's full of shit. They're slaved to fucking oil companies, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The same fuckers today who are going like, ah, fuck the government. Back in the 2000s, like, support the troops. America, loving to leave it. He's got weapons of mass destruction.

Turns out he doesn't. It's a liberation. Same fucking people. Exact same fucking people. In my head they are, right? And then, yeah, the liberals doing the whole, hey, it's my body. It's my choice. Fucking Ro V Wade, my body, my choice.

Fucking vaccine comes out for COVID. People don't want to take it like, take the fucking shot. So I am, I evidently have learned from this, this, uh, my last two specials, the special and then this thing I hosted. I'm somehow stuck in the middle of these fucking, they both fucking can't stand me. Oh God. Wait, do you see my abortion bit? This is before Ro V Wade. I got a special coming out next week.

Oh, geez. The hairy legged white chicks are coming. How can you fucking say that? I knew you liked Donald Trump. I'm gonna be getting that. Um, I don't know. I don't, I don't know what to tell you. I guess because back in the day I used to fucking go off on banks and the federal reserves and all that type of shit.

And you know where that got me? Do you know where that got me? All it got me was meeting people like that guy that had the buffalo horns on that went into the fucking House of Representatives, Senate, whatever. The Capitol building. That's all that that ends up with. And nobody gives a fuck and nobody's doing anything. So what was I going to do? I'm going to be the guy sitting there flapping my arms with my head on fire.

I just said fuck it. And you know what? Kind of feels great. So I don't know what to tell you. All you federal reserve fucking background. I still agree with it. I still know it's a fucking Ponzi scheme, but I can't, you know, I fought the good fight for five years and then I just stopped. It's like right now everybody's fucking, you know, fucking blaming Joe Biden for the gas prices and ignoring the fact.

My buddy was just saying, it's like, dude, they fucking pumped like two trillion dollars out of nowhere, 20 trillion into the economy. There's going to be inflation. I was actually saying like, I feel like the old companies are trying to get back all the money. They didn't get in fucking in 2020 when people stayed home. I don't fucking know. But anyways, people stop taking my shit so goddamn seriously. I'm a fucking comedian. Good Lord.

He's fucking idiots. You're a stand up comic. They want you to be there. They're fucking. I don't know what president. Or surgeon general. It's like, no, I'm neither one of those things. I'm a fucking moron who tells jokes.

All right. So shut up. All right. Pax Lovett everybody. Hey, with the name that rhymes with COVID, it has to be good. Bold. The cure for the common cold. Prancer.

Do you have cancer? Take Prancer. I will not. See, now look how dumb that is. Just think about that. I will not fuck with a medicine if it rhymes with what I'm trying to cure with cure. All right. That's the level of intellect you're dealing with here, people.

Bunch of fucking babies, you conservatives, you laborers, you're all a bunch of fucking babies. The amount of shit that's actually fucking going on out there and these fucking idiots. All they could do is go after a goddamn, you know, stand up comedy. Yeah, that's going to change it. As if what comics are saying is suddenly becoming law. That's what I've always loved about that because the reality is if stand up comedy did have that level of power, it wouldn't be legal. You couldn't just have any jackass doing it. Oh, wait a minute.

Any jackass can just go in and buy a gun. Oh, shit, now he's a liberal again. Hi, I have a chicken on my head and I'm wearing a diaper. How old are you? I'm over 18. Here you go. I don't know how it works. Okay, people, I don't understand how it works.

All I know is I'm trying to get my son is, we're reigning them in and he's understanding that the hammers coming down. I did not like his behavior in public at the hotel and stuff. I've realized that I've just been a little too lax with him overcompensating for the screaming and yelling that I grew up with. So what I'm doing now, you know, he gets his little timeouts. He has a little chair and that's where it is. And it's amazing because I put him in the fucking chair and he fights it for like 30 seconds and then he realizes that's where he's going to be. He immediately stops crying. The temper tantrum's gone away and it's like, oh, so it is just an act.

This is just a manipulation thing. My thing is I hear my kids crying. I just wanted to stop because, sorry, I have an old science chair here. I just wanted to stop because, you know, it's your kid crying. It breaks your fucking heart. So I just had to push past that. So he is obsessed with my car, my old truck. So he starts going, he just go, dad his car.

He starts at that emotional level. Not like dad his car. Dad his car. Dad his car. He starts pointing out. Dad his car. Dad his car. Dad his car.

Dad his car. So every time I would be like, all right, buddy, all right, let's go. And I would scoop him up and I would take him out and I'd put him in the driver's seat and it started becoming like five, six times a day. You know, I have shit to do here. So it's like, I kind of learned that if you give him everything that they want the second they want it, then they get this unrealistic, I know that kind of makes sense once you say it out loud, but so I'm trying to undo that. But fortunately, you know, he's a smart kid, a really smart kid. So it was already taking and he was already changing just with one day of it.

So it's kind of funny to see him sitting in the corner. He was sitting in the corner on this little rocking chair. The buddy of mine got him. So he's sitting on the thing and he's just looking at me and I'm watching TV and he's being quiet. He's sort of rocking a little bit. And then I looked over him and he was looking at me and I was trying to stare at him doing the, I'm not happy with you right now. And he, I was staring at him and he stares back at me. Then he kind of did like half a smile.

And I swear to God, I think I took six years off of my life trying not to smile in that moment because I was trying to make my point. But he's smiling like, come on. Hey dad, it's me. What are we doing here? Let's go wrestle. Come on. My wife read somewhere, you know, whatever their age is. That's how long you should do it for. So which is cool because he's only two. It's two minutes and he comes over and he's all right.

But he's funny though when you tell him like, try not to yell. Just do like a firm voice. And when I do that now, he does this thing where he puts his hands over his eyes and then he peeks through them. And I was like, and I'll be like, yeah, you can't do that. You have to be nice to your sister. You understand me? And then he turns his head all the way around like Linda Blair turns it like into the couch so he won't be looking at you. So it's a copycat league in the family, everybody. So my wife was giving me shit about something that I was doing. Probably interrupting her when she was on the phone or some shit.

She started giving me shit about it when we were laying at bed and I just turned my head all the way around into the pillow. And she immediately went, oh, you said it's a dead on impression of my son. Speaking of my son and my lovely daughter, we got a fucking coyote problem. I've had two different neighbors tell me, hey, just to let you know, there's been some coyote, you know, jumping over your poor excuse for a fence into the fucking front yard, right? Like, all right. And they're like, do you have a cat or anything like that? I'm like, no, it's not our cat, but if fucking just every fucking animal just waltzes through our goddamn yard, right? So this is some they said it looked like an adolescent coyote and it was jumping over back and forth back and forth over this thing.

So I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. I'll be honest with you, I hope it just kills the cat. No more food here, buddy. Shut down another victim of COVID. It is just shut down and that's all there is to it. See you later. No food here. Or maybe I do one of my favorite things to do is to take a garden hose and point it at a cat.

Because they're cunts and the water doesn't hurt and it's just, you know, you just sort of you put your thumb over the nozzle. Right over the end, just give them a misting. They do that quick movement like what the fuck is it raining and then they realize that you and they fucking take off. It's like, that's right. That's right. The water man's here. You will respect me in my almost said my hose. That didn't sound right.

Okay. When Bill was talking about the cats, that sounded a little rapey. How about those Boston Red Sox, huh? Fucking unbelievable. We just can't seem to beat anybody in the AL East. There I said it. We had some kid debuting last night. I watched a little bit of it between daddy's car, daddy's car, daddy's car.

He has, he sounds like he's in a horror movie. Anyway, I watched a little bit of that. By the time I turned it on, it was four to nothing on the third inning. I want to say we came back and scored a run or something, but it didn't matter. So now we got the Yankees. We got the Yankees. So we'll see. I don't know.

It's just our pitching is decent. The bats have just been a little quiet lately. We definitely have to get going against stronger rotations. Gee, you think so, Bill? Yeah, I'm going to go. I'm going to fucking, I'm going to go with that. That's going to be my, my little solution. Anyway, I fucking crushed it coming home though.

As a dad, everybody was like all jet lagged and I just, I don't know. I kind of stayed up. Oh, I know I stayed up in the plane. I fucking drank like four cups of coffee every time I would start to get sleepy. I was like, no, not doing it. I will not fall asleep until 10 o'clock this evening west coast time and I was able to do it and I got back acclimated and everybody else has just kind of been fucking, you know, jet lagged or whatever.

So I've been just handling everything, fucking handling everything. I like doing that shit, cleaning up, washing dishes, you know, giving the kids the baths, just fucking crushing it, going out, getting the packages, going to CVS, you know, picking up whatever the fuck it is we need coming home, bam, bam, bam. You know, swinging by my grocery store, getting my kid her favorite ice cream, just knocking it the fuck out. I actually had a great couple of days since I've been back here in the United States of America.

I got that new, that new porcupine tree album and I broke down that whole first song. Now I can't play a lot of the shit that he's playing, but I at least know what the band is doing and I was able to figure out the second half. Remember I was staying on the last podcast if you didn't listen? Got that first song's in five and then when they get to the chorus, they play three against four until beat four and then he does a fill on the end of four, crashes on the one and then it repeats. Then there was this other sort of, I don't know what the musical term is for, phrase or

whatever that they play towards the end of the song that was really, really fucking me up. And I'm like, what in the fuck are they doing? And I finally figured it out last night. They play three against four again. I don't know if it's in this bridge section, but they do it with eighth notes. So they're doing hits every third eighth note. So it's the one and then the end of two and then the four, etc.

For three bars before it comes back around to the one. Like dude, I'm gonna fucking sit down and I'm gonna write this song out. I'm gonna get this fucking song down. I don't know why, probably because I have a bunch of the shit going on in my life and this is a nice fucking distraction that this is what I'm gonna do. But the first one is three against four. Counting in sixteenth notes. So it's one, a two, and a three, and a four.

I don't know. I feel like I just lost everybody on the podcast except for drummers and all the drummers are like, um, that's not what he's doing. Actually, he's playing a herda. Okay. And he's playing it on the snare between the snare and his right hand on the floor, Tom. That's what he's doing. And then he's playing a ghost note with his left hand that comes off the hi-hat pedal

and he has one of those cowbells. I've been watching a bunch of those drum videos and shit. I really like the prog metal stuff. Anybody got some good bands I can listen to when it comes to that shit? I know, um, as far as just like the sickest metal you're ever going to hear, Michuga, I guess, has a new fucking album. My drum teacher was telling me, he said, it's just, it's insane. So if he says it's insane, I know it's insane.

So I got to get that. But does anybody just have like, um, you know, I can't listen to that, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, all the fucking time. You know? Or maybe my ears just aren't like accustomed to it yet. One of the few bands like that, that I can, I can listen to. Like, I don't know shit about that kind of metal. Like, I go like giant leaps through decades.

It's like the nineties was Pantera. The 2000s was Lama God. Somewhere around there, I've heard of Michuga. And that's as far as I go. A little bit of slipknot. And now like, I don't know, I just been getting into double bass again. And I've been watching, um, people doing covers of, uh, some of their songs and beyond the drums being unbelievable is, uh, I actually am listening like,

I fucking like that song. Who knew? The only thing is, is when I put that shit on, my wife just looks at me like, you know, I understand. Like, you know, it's a white person. You play that around a black person. I think they thought, God, this person's in a hate group. Can you tell the gun not to fucking turn the goddamn music down?

Um, I told you guys, when my F-250 gets here, I want to, I want to write like really like, disgustingly liberal shit in the back window to offset those people that write like freedom and, uh, whatever the fuck else they write back there. That's like a big thing. Like I've noticed that like, for some reason, people with pickup trucks, they're the conservative version of liberals with Priuses. Like if there's a Prius, you can almost guarantee. Well, if you're going to hear somebody's lefty political opinion,

it's going to be on like a fucking Prius, right? But if you're going to hear somebody's right, oh my God, this is a reality show. You know, they're always like, you know, sticking like opposite people, you know, in the same fucking house. You take a fucking bleeding heart liberal. You know what I mean? She has like a future, the future is feminine. Remember that stupid fucking slogan?

That's another thing that the classic like hypocritical shit on both sides, as opposed to me, who's in the middle and is a perfect person. Okay. Which is the only reason why I'm attacking both sides. This has nothing to do with anything about me wanting the country to be better and people to get along. This has to do with me trying to frame myself in a light that feeds my ego. The future is feminine.

Remember that shit? It's just like, isn't that what you were just fighting? Because the present is male and you're saying this is oppressive. So how is, if the future is female, how is that just not going to be the same thing on the other side? And they were just like, whatever, Trumpster. That conversation never happened. It happened in my head, but that's what I feel like they would say. Honestly.

So you take one of those fucking idiots, one of those hairy like white chicks, you know, that has it all figured out, man, right? They're fucking, you know, the rainbow flag bumper sticker, the future is feminine, gender neutral bathrooms, my leg hair, my choice, right? You take that person. My overgrown bush, my lawn, right? So you stick her in the house and then you just have some guy pull up in a pickup truck with freedom. And that one, that one of the guys said a mask has the same ability, you know,

a stop in the virus as your underpants to have a stop in a fart or something stupid like that. I love how some egghead wrote underneath that going like, actually, a fart is a gas where COVID is a solid that travels through water vapor. Anyway, that's another one that I like. I like how like the anti-maskers are like, oh, they didn't fucking work. All this shit. It's like, first of all, you did not wear a mask because you knew from day one that they didn't work. I love how everybody's acting like they're this fucking scientist now.

Now that they have the information or whatever. They're saying they never fuck. It's like, that's not why you didn't wear a mask. You didn't wear a mask because you felt it was coming from people that wore blue ties. So you were like, don't fucking tell my freedom what to do. If George Bush in 2001 told you to wear a mask, those same people be like, America, wear it or leave it. And then the liberals would have been like, this is oppressive.

How can I talk about gender neutral bathrooms with a mask on? Why can't you all be perfect like me? When will you guys understand that I figured out everything in my head by talking to myself and not reading books? I read a book this year. Wilmington's lie. You got to check that one out, which has now gotten me like, I want to read about the 1800s in this country and I don't want to fucking read the bullshit that I already heard. And when I was coming up in school, when I was just a lad, right?

Way back when, when I would finish milking the cows and the goats, I would walk to school, run past Uncle Touchy's house. I completely forgot the fuck I was talking about. When I used to go to school, oh, history class. I painted such a vivid picture. I was thinking about Galway, Ireland doing that Irish little, that portable Irish accent. And now they had like some fucking goddamn place where they would send non-married and pregnant young women to have their kids. So they wouldn't bring shame to their freckled family. And, you know, these nuns didn't know what the fuck they were doing.

And a lot of times the babies died and they just fucking stuck them in this, all the dead babies. They stuck them in this fucking, I don't know what, underground something. And then one day they just found them all. And you know, the Irish, they probably somehow found some humor in it. Right, how many fucking dead babies does it take to run a fucking, um, anyway. So, when I was a kid, when they would teach history every fucking year, they would start with Columbus, sail the ocean blue in 1492. And then somewhere they would get to the Declaration of Independence. And that was it.

That was fucking it. And there was no talk about slavery. There was no talk about anything. Maybe we would get into the French and Indian war. I think one time we got all the way up to the war of 1812. But there was nothing about the Civil War, nothing about slavery, nothing about what we did to Indians, Native Americans, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call them. Whatever the proper terminology is. So a long time ago I read that People's History of the United States, which was just way on the other side.

I was just like, this is what really happened, man. George Washington. Everybody loves him. That guy had his fucking dick out, man. That guy had his powdered wig on his fucking dick going, who's licking these revolutionary nuts? That's what really happened, man. So that was all the way to the other side. So I feel like I gotta like, I don't know, read a little bit of both.

You know? Because it's kind of like a sporting event. If your team, if you listen to the People's team that lost, they're like, Damn, the team cheated, man. I'm really oversimplifying all of this. So anyway, I wrote, I read that book. And in the book, they said one of the things that was scaring the whites was the Nat Turner slave revolt. So it was like, I'm gonna fucking read a book on that.

I'm gonna fucking check that out. And it already seems like it has a really, like the backstory. It's like a Marvel movie, but it's too intense. It was basically that when Nat Turner was a kid, he saw some white dude coming in and rape his mother. And then he just, it was like the Batman story, but with rape. And he was just like, fuck the, all right, I'm oversimplifying. I'm gonna read the book. And then I'll give, I'll give you my version of it as I...

There's that. And then there's another book I want to read. Jim Cat, K-A-A-T, my eight decades in baseball. I want to read that one too. Cause I remember as a kid collecting baseball cards and I had him, his card when he, I think he was on the St. Louis Cardinals or something, or maybe the Yankees. I don't know, but I flipped the card over and he had been in the league for so damn long. There was no room for any information of like where he went to college, where he played, you know,

it was just the smallest type I'd ever seen. He played in the fifties, the sixties, the seventies and into the eighties. He had a 20 plus year career. I think his first year was 1959. I might have even talked about this. So I want to read that one too. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to read like hardcore history and then an athlete's autobiography. You know what I mean?

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 7th, 2014. How's it going? How are you? Are you driving to work? Are you already at work? Are you in your cubicle? Are you fucking off? Are you bringing this country down by not doing your share of the workload today? Well, who gives a shit if you work for somebody else? The fuck do you care? I mean, whose dream is it, really? Is it yours? I don't think it is. It's not your dream. It's their dream. You know, what kind of office did you dream about as a child?

You had a fucking door. The walls went all the way up to the ceiling, you know? You went in the middle of a fucking room, you know, with a four-foot wall surrounding you on three sides, completely vulnerable. Anybody who went to West Point can tell you right now that that is not a safe position and that you need to move. You need to move to higher ground. I don't want to get involved in all of that crap. It's a wonderful weekend, the July 4th weekend, the celebration of the independence of this wonderful nation. Did you guys go to a parade? What did you do? Did you get hammered and watch some fireworks? I actually, one of my favorite things to do out here in Los Angeles is on July 4th, how everybody just shoots fireworks, whatever the fuck they want to.

Me and my wife and some friends every year, we just go up under the roof of my house and we just sit there and we watch. Unfortunately, none of my neighbors shoot any off. It's always a couple blocks away and then just all the way across LA and we just watch it. I always try to take a video, but the cell phone just doesn't do it justice. And then there's like a mall. I don't know how far away it is. Say like, I don't know, three to five miles away, they actually have one. So right as we're getting on the roof, they're usually getting to that finale because, you know, people bring their kids to the mall. You know, one of those fucking malls that has like a trolley that drives around it and they play like Tony Bennett and Sinatra and everybody feels like, you know, like they're a winner.

Is there walking in and out of the gap? Look, be a lady tonight. Never let her out of my sight. Hey, do you think these overalls look good on me? Why don't you put them on you fucking tub of shit? Who is overall? If you're not growing food, if you're wearing overalls, if you're not in an early 90s R&B band, you're basically wearing it because that's what your stomach feels comfortable in. You know, it's like, it's like you're pregnant as a guy.

You have one of those, you know, those satchels that people wear, you know, where they, one of those little swath fuck whatever it is. It's like a blanket and it's like a paper root bag at the same time and there's like a baby in there. Well, the baby in this case is your big fucking round stomach. You know, I want to try to fetch shame some people. Come on, people. Make a quinoa salad. I guess quinoa, even though it's spelled O-A, is not the way to say it. Some fucking asshole on Twitter is giving me shit. You're driving me crazy.

It's pronounced quinoa. What kind of a man knows how quinoa or quinoa is even fucking pronounced? Okay. You know what kind of man knows something like that? Besides an H and F is a fucking somebody who's comfortable with themselves. Somebody who realizes that meat is a lie. No, I'm fucking with you. I'm actually, I've really cut down with my meat intake just out of pure vanity.

I love it. You don't eat meat. Your fucking stomach goes away. The fat has nowhere to hide. Or as they say in Long Island, hide. It has nowhere to hide. If, yeah, it's got nowhere to fucking go. I cooked this weekend like a yoga instructor slash a fat fuck.

You know, I made my quinoa salad. Quinoa. How the fuck you say it? I made that thing, which is great. Fills you up like pancake batter. You just pour it down your gullet. You're like, I'm good. You know, it's funny as they say it's a complete protein, but you can add chicken to it.

In other words, it's not a complete protein. All right. All right there. You're with your fucking stretchy pants and your bare feet. Stop fucking saying it's a complete protein. I know it isn't. Okay. And I made that and then I made this peaches and beach salad with goat cheese.

I said, I don't give a fuck what you guys say. You can call me a fucking douche all day long. A fucking twinkle toes. I don't care. It's great. Fills me up and I wake up the next morning and my fucking white stomach's a little smaller. You know, to try it. I actually went to the grocery store and I bought organic beats where it had like the fucking

leaves, like some asshole, just asshole, some migrant worker, you know, because America's don't want those jobs. If we grew beats of this country, they'd be $40 a beat. We actually had to pay people and we still kept our yachts. It would be $40 a beat. Can anybody explain to me the economics of that why everything has to be done outside of this country or it would be $9 zillion and don't even fucking just say it's because of the unions.

I know it's partly because of that. But the other part is those people with those fucking yachts that I saw in San Tropez. In order for someone to get a boat that fucking big legally without being a fucking pirate, there's got to be somebody crying in a field in El Salvador pulling organic beats out of the fucking ground or allegedly organic beats out of the ground to the tune of about eight pesos a fucking month. Right? Isn't that how it works?

Isn't that how it works? I don't fucking know. All I know is there's something going on with all these gated communities. We live in a gated community. What the fuck are you doing? What do you know that's going to happen? And right there, you're fucking, what do you call those guys that know how to build shit? Freemason.

I like how people get mad at Freemasons because they know how to make shit and they don't want to tell you about it, you know? Don't you have a secret recipe with your barbecued ribs there, you know, or your fucking cream pie or whatever the hell you make? Isn't that a secret family recipe? Well, the secret family recipe with the Freemasons is they understand how the universe works. If they went and told you how the universe works, next thing you know, you're off the grid, you know, growing apples in your toaster and you don't have to pay for electric power,

why would you go to that cubicle with your four foot walls? You wouldn't do it. And then what would they do? Where would their joy be if they couldn't see you walking into a fucking building every day that you didn't want to go to? Where would their joy be? What would fill up their dark souls? What misery could they look at?

They would have left to be tortured, I guess, like torturing squirrels on their property. Right? You know what I want to do out here? I want to fucking go up to that. I want to go up to that Hearst mansion. William Randolph Hearst, whatever the fuck his name was. He's like the original Rupert Murdoch. And he fucking, he owned all of this shit.

Why does Verzi always call when I'm doing the podcast? He's like the original, what the fuck, Rupert Murdoch. And he owned fucking everything. Allegedly, Citizen Kane was about him. But he has the Hearst castle somewhere between here and San Francisco. And it takes you like three days to get through it. This was the guy's fucking house. And I actually shot a scene one time.

Not one time, but last month. I was kidding who did a sketch for Kroll's show. I might as well hype that. I think that Kroll's a fucking genius. So I hope you guys watch the next season. I got to do a little bit of acting work on that. And we shot in a building that used to be owned by William Randolph Hearst. And allegedly, big word, allegedly, there was a secret elevator in there.

That old O'Billy, not red face, used to bring up his extracurriculars in. You know, with the fucking Louie Louie Louboutin's or whatever. He was fucking horse. He had a whore elevator. That's when you know you got money. You know, out of all those MTV Cribs and Shaq with this giant fucking bed, right? And fucking red man with people sleeping on the floor of his fucking place. I never saw anybody with a whore elevator to this day.

You know, it's fucking brilliant. The whore elevator. When the fuck was the elevator invented? That seems like some early 1900s, possibly late 1800s type of shit. You know, in the late 1800s, when they first came up with it, they probably had like fucking two-year-olds pulling people up in it. It was completely legal. But anyways, this guy had a whore elevator.

So I mean, if he had a whore elevator at fucking work, I'm not going to look at his house. I gotta do it. So anyways, I've been off since I did my special. And I actually got, I'm finally going to sit down and watch it tonight. The lovely Nia promised me that she'd sit down and watch it with me because, you know, it's a fucking out-of-body experience. All right? It's one thing to take a video and look at it, you know, of yourself doing something dumb. That's one thing.

But to know that a bunch of people are going to fucking see the thing, that really makes you, makes you a little bit nuts. You know? So I got all my other busy work out of the fucking way. It's why I'm doing the podcast here Sunday night. And because I know I got to get this fucking 800-pound gorilla off my shoulders, I got to sit down and watch. I got to watch the fucking thing, which I don't want to do. God, I'm dreading that. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about?

So I'm really enjoying just, you know, since I got back from Vegas, just not doing shit. All week, other than make my fucking twinkle-toe stuff. Oh, oh, and then I also, I made this fucking dessert. I just love when you guys trash me for whatever I do. I made this chocolate-chip cheesecake with a chocolate crust. And I can't even tell you guys how ridiculously excited I was to make my first, like, look like a brownie crust. And I was always wondering, how the fuck do you make the crust? How do you get the chocolate in there?

It's just like this cocoa powder. You put a little bit in there, then you sift the fucking thing down, right? You put in your fucking shortening. I overcooked it. How do you tell it's getting golden brown when it's chocolate? You know? I don't fucking get it. Anyways, so I ate one of those things today and I feel sick.

It's too much, you know? It's fucking too much. What am I talking about? I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm on fucking vacation. I'm living in my own goddamn world out here. So other than that, yeah, I was hiking with my dog all this week. We're still getting the work done in the house and I had the dog.

She stays at the vet during the day because she gets freaked out when the workers are making all that goddamn noise. And so, you know, I was on the road getting ready to do the special and I hadn't seen her in like a week and I came back and she was fucking fat. I had a fat pit bull. They love her over the vet and she loves them. My dog loves anybody that takes care of them. First, she's like, who the fuck are you? And then the second you take care of her, she turns into a little lap dog.

And so they love her to death, so they're always giving her treats and I fucking see her. I almost didn't recognize her. You know what I mean? You know, like when you go to your high school reunion after 20 years and you really got, you got to kind of look just like a little part of the forehead in the eyes is where you can still see the person that you used to know. And that's what I was doing. So I went on a bunch of long hikes with my dog.

Fortunately, she's a pit bull, so she's all muscles and she's back in shape after like three, four days. And that was basically my weekend. And oh, I forgot to mention, so we ended up going up on the roof to watch the fucking fireworks. And so we go up there and everybody's shooting them off and everything. And every year I say it, I go, you know, it's fucking amazing that all these people just randomly, and there's some people just shooting off some real shit. Not just like bottle rockets, they're shooting off stuff that blows up

and shoots out into like a ball, you know? And it usually happens, you know, I don't know, two, three hundred feet up off the ground, they shoot them up and it goes off at like 75 feet off the fucking ground in between these apartment buildings. So I'm standing on the roof and I'm literally saying to my wife, I go, you know, it's unbelievable every year how all of these things get shot off and nobody lights their house on fire. And within fucking two minutes of me saying that,

I look in the distance and I'm thinking like, wow, that firework is lasting pretty long and I look at it and it has that undeniable orange glow slash dancing of fire. And I'm like, that's a fire. Somebody let their fucking house on fire, right? And I look and sure enough, I couldn't believe how fast it spread. And next thing you know, there's a helicopter flying around it and then, you know, off to the left, we hear the fire engine starting to come down and as fast as that thing lit, ignited and as fast as it spread, they fucking put that thing out. I'm sure they, you know, drowned everything that anybody owned in the building,

but they put it out pretty goddamn quick. And so I got video of it. I don't know. I mean, maybe I'll put it up there. I was actually talking to Verzi when I was on the phone. I think it was him that I said, maybe whatever, I'll post the video. It's not it, but I, you know, I'm not going to post it because it's not a good video. You know, this fucking cell phone at night and this happened like probably a good mile and a half away, whatever, whatever. So somebody lit that house on fire. So that was interesting.

You know, it was funny. My mother-in-law was hilarious where she was just like saying something to the effect that she'd wish the person did that later on during the fireworks show because none of the fireworks could follow basically somebody lighting their house on fire. That was like way more exciting than that. You went back to the fireworks and she's like, hey, you know, it's kind of like doing your clothes and joke in the middle of your act. You know what I mean? It's kind of like, I don't know what the fuck else it's like. So anyways, do you think it would have been rude of me if I lived right next to him and I put on ACDC houses on fire? This house is on fire, you know, is their house was on fire?

You know, talking heads burning down the house with that big moxious. I think it would be. What is the proper music to play when your fucking neighbors like their house on fire? What is the respectful thing to do? Is there some country song saying I'm sorry your trailers on fire? I don't know. This is the Monday Morning Podcast everybody. And like I said, I'm doing it Sunday night and I don't have my... I don't have any advertising yet, so I'm just going to have to pause here because I'm going to have to drop this shit after I record this shit.

So with that, this is the Monday Morning Podcast and here's a couple of advertising ditties for you. And we'll be back after these messages from me in the future. Hulu Plus everybody. You've probably tried Hulu on your computer, but you know what? Hulu Plus is so much more. With Hulu Plus, you can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like Modern Family, The Daily Show and Scandal. And watch every episode of shows like Nashville, Lost and Doctor Who. You get ad-free movies and kid shows too. Now, more than ever, there's so much to watch. Take total control with Hulu Plus to stream these shows and thousands more as much as you want, wherever you want. Hulu Plus works on your computer, your smartphone, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation, pretty much any streaming device you already own.

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All right, and I'm back. Hey, how about those reads? Was I good or what? Ah, fuck you. I suck every week. But whatever, I'm trying. So let's get down to brass tacks. Let's talk about what went on this week. I was in Las Vegas. I boozed it up. And then I immediately went back on the wagon and I've been able to hold out. I had one beer. I had one beer last night. That was it. But I'm definitely going to stay back on the wagon because I don't want to fucking, you know, I don't have a big booze head again. And then I have to go through all that bullshit trying to lose the fucking weight. You got to fucking, you got to keep it in check, you know?

I'm telling this story on stage and it's kind of bombing, so maybe it's better for the podcast. You know, I was fucking driving, right? And I stopped at a red light, you know, four-way stop. So the person to the right of me, you know, he's got the green light and he makes a left in front of me. He was so fucking fat. He like leaned his head right down to his man boob and his arm out the window, kind of holding on to the car as he was taking the turn. So basically he wouldn't roll over and fucking crush his passenger. I mean, at what point do you just say, all right, I guess it really is like a drug addict. You see a fucking drug addict laying in the goddamn street, going over and taking a dump on a fucking, I don't know what, shrub? At what point do you like, like, dude, I sleep on a sidewalk and I shit outside before you're like, hey, you know what, maybe I ought to, you know, kind of knock down the whole fucking heroin use.

Maybe I ought to take it down a few notches. There's only a few things I've seen like that. I saw this fat guy in Seattle one time, he walked by me and he was gradually picking up speed with the momentum of his fucking weight and he went by me and I felt his wind. It was unreal. It really is like, I really is a fucking drug. I really believe that. I didn't before, but I can tell you, just go veggie for two days, man. That's like the, what's that shit that, what's that shit, the methadone or something to get you off the heroin? Don't listen to me. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So anyways, back to Vegas. So we had the Monday off, me, Bartnick, Lawhead and Verzi and so we want to bet on something.

We're bored shitless. There's nothing to bet on. So we ended up betting on me, Bartnick and Verzi bet on Albania to beat the Germans. I think they'll play in Germany. I don't fucking know. And we sat there, we put money on Albania to win. I put a hundred bucks on them to win and then I put 25 bucks down on a tie. It was basically one, one, two, two, zero, zero or nil nil, as they say, after 90 minutes I'd win. So I don't think I've ever been that interested in a fucking soccer game in my life. And I'm telling you, I learned the secret to all Americans who don't give a fuck about World Cup soccer. If you want to give a shit, put a hundred bucks on the, on the underdog, you will find yourself sitting on the edge of your seat. I got a picture of us sitting there in the casino and we, our eyes, you would think we were watching the final two minutes of a fucking Super Bowl

and Joe Montana's got the ball. That's how much we were watching the shit. And in the beginning when Albania's, we thought scored, we thought they scored. We lost our fucking minds. We jumped up, right? There was all these other people who were from Albania and they got such a kick out of the fact that these three white dudes were absolutely losing their shit, you know, that Albania scored. Well, you know, clearly they would think, well, how come they're not for the whiteies there in Germany? But of course, this unbelievable pass and this guy had an unbelievable header and the fucking ball goes into the net. We lose our mind, right? The guy did a one timer with his head. We go fucking nuts like we're watching the Stanley Cup playoffs and guess what?

Guess what? It was off sides. Can you believe it? I can't fucking believe it. It was fucking off sides. It's always off sides. It's always, I tweeted that. It's one thing I learned about World Cup soccer. Anytime it gets exciting, that means it's off sides. The amount of fucking times and how the defensive line could just stop and then make you off line. Start running, you pussy. I have to slow down because you slowed down. I swear to God. I swear to God, man, if I had enough money to start a soccer league, I would teach the world how to play that fucking game. And I would get just the same way the NHL got rid of the fucking red line. That bullshit.

I put a fucking blue line out there just like in hockey. All right. And once you're in the fucking zone, that's it. If somebody can run faster than you, then guess what? He's going to take a nice fucking shot at that goddamn goal that's as big as a fucking house. And we're going to start having some nine to eight games. These poor bastards running around for eight miles to have a game being nothing to nothing. Sure, I won 105 bucks. I won something like that. I think I ended up being up 20. I lost 100 on Albania to win, but I got the tie. This is how fucking dumb we were. When it went into extra time and Germany scored the goal, we were like, ah, shit, and we got up and we walked out.

And everybody else was sitting there and I'm thinking like, oh, they must be waiting to watch the next game. And then we go up to the pool, took a steam, went out to the fucking pool. Just acting like idiots. I kept introducing Paul Verzi, every woman that would walk by. I'd be like, excuse me, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Just want to let you know, New Jersey's own Paul Verzi. I just thought you should know that he is in your presence right now. And I swear to God, for some reason that was working. But anyways, so we ended up having a drink and like fucking peanut collides.

I don't think I've ever had a peanut collide in my life, but it just made sense. It was like 108 degrees out and it's like that drink is mostly ice and it has an umbrella. Maybe I can hold it over my nose and try not to get a sunburn there. So I'm drinking that shit. And afterwards, later on that night, we're getting hammered at some bar and we start watching the highlights of Albania waiting to see that goal that didn't count and then see the German goal in the extra time that we thought ended it. And we're sitting there watching it in Germany scores and then Albania scores

and then Germany scores ends up being two to one. We're like, wait a minute, what the fuck happened here? This is still the same. Is this a game from earlier this season? What the fuck is this? I guess with the extended time, it just kept keeps going. We thought it was like sudden death. The first guy who scores wins. So we fucking walked out.

I mean, it didn't change our bed at all. But now the looks on the people's faces when we got up and walked out, it made a lot more sense to sort of look up confusion like, where are they going? Where are those fun loving Americans that flipped out more than we did? Where the fuck are they going? So, so I learned that. I still think it's a great game. I know I've shit all over, but it's just fun.

It's fun, annoying people from other countries. You know, I enjoy the game. All right. I do find it extremely confusing. I find the uniforms unbelievably fucking confusing. Okay, like I was sitting there. I don't know where the fuck I was in the Netherlands versus Costa Rica zone. All right.

I've been to both places. I got treated great in both places. So I'm like, well, who the fuck do I root for? And then I find out that Costa Rica is the underdog. So I'm like, all right, I'll go with the underdog, the Costa Ricans, right? And then I'm sitting there. I'm trying to figure out which team is which. Okay, because they both have like red, white and blue flags as far as I know,

but like one team is wearing fucking orange, all orange. And I'm like, I don't know who the fuck is who. I'm looking at the uniforms. I'm trying to find a flag. And finally, what you got to do is you got to racially profile them to figure out who the fuck is. You know, and then, you know, there's always going to be a couple of black dudes or something like that. Somebody with a tan. So it's going to throw you off when you're going like, okay, he looks like he looks like he's from the Netherlands.

He looks like he's from the Netherlands. That guy looks like he's from Africa. I don't fucking know. You ain't got to sit there for 90 minutes and wait till somebody scores and see where the fucking number goes to figure out who the hell's who. It wasn't that bad. It took me, but it honestly took me a good like a minute and a half, two minutes to figure out who the fuck was who. I don't think that's right. I don't like that creepy moment, too, where they hold hands with children and walk out.

All right. There's been too much coverage of fucking pedophiles and that type of stuff as an American in my country. They've made kids weird. You don't touch them. You don't go near them. You don't hold their fucking hands. Okay. I guess it makes it safe because everybody's looking, but it's just, it's really fucking creepy.

You know, taking their hands and you're walking them out onto the pitch. That's like when you're in a titty bar and you're dumb enough to go get the private dance. She takes you by your hand and she walks you out in the back. It's just, it's fucking creepy. You don't do that. All right. You don't have them run through fountains in public either with no shirt on. Okay.

They want to do that shit. You do it in the backyard. Okay. That's your kid. Okay. Fucking turn on that little fucking sprinkler in the back. Have the kid run through that shit. You don't bring them down to the goddamn mall like they do in Columbus, Ohio.

I do the funny bone out there. It's a bunch of fucking little kids doing a fucking wet t-shirt concert contest. Right. I swear to God, if I was, if I were, if I worked for the special victims unit, that's where I would park my ass on a slow week. And I would just look for somebody enjoying that shit a little bit too much. So anyways, so that was the deal. I made money on roulette.

I made money twice. I made money throwing dice. I made money on the tie of Albania. I wasn't betting big, but I would, I would, I would lose a little early and then I would win and then I just walked away and I was fucking done. So I think in the end, I probably made somewhere between two and 300 bucks. That was about it. That was about it.

Right. And other than that, I haven't been doing shit all week. I'm trying to forget my last hour, hour and a half of material. I went out last night. I did a little bit of stand up. I got, I got one new fucking five minute block starting over again. I don't know. I got nothing.

I got nothing. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. What else? Did anybody, anybody watch the, the UFC last night? That Ericsson guy, whatever the fuck his name is. Fought Benicio del Toro. What was it? Benicio del Toro head with Brad Pitt's torso from Fight Club.

The first three rounds were kind of boring and then it got, then it got good. It got really fucking good. And Ronda Rousey, Ronda Rousey. I didn't fucking say her name. She fucking, dude, she beat up the chick that she was fighting the way my older brother used to beat me up. You know, I'd get a couple in and then he just put me in a headlock, throw me over his hip and then just give me a bunch of noogies.

Except there was no, there was no ref to break it up. I was actually upset when the referee broke it up and I didn't realize that her arm had gone limp. Jesus Christ. She took like seven punches right to the forehead. You know what's funny about the UFC? Like, you just can't fucking, you can never get over there quick enough. At least in boxing, when you get fucking knocked out, you go down and the guy goes to the other

corner and that sport, they rush you when they fucking, what does it, what does it, what does it, bang it, bang it, bang it, bang it. And the fucking ref is coming over like, no. You always take like another three, four. I don't know. Haven't said that. I still love the sport and Verzi always gives me shit. He fucking texted me last night.

He goes, I texted him. I said, hey, I'm watching that sport you love because he's always shitting on it. I'm watching the UFC and he said, he goes, I'm watching it too. And he goes, he goes, I like the UFC. I just think boxing is better. And I texted him back. I was like, yeah, I kind of guessed that the first 18 times you told me that he's one of those guys who always hypes up boxing is like the sweet science.

Whoever called it the sweet science first, I don't think ever got fucking knocked out. You know, whoever called it the sweet science never talked to a boxer that's in his 50s and 60s and is dealing with the fucking brain trauma. I mean, I totally respect boxing. You have sick. I think, you know, they're fucking warriors. But I just hate people who attack the UFC and they just get fucking rolling around the ground.

It looks like two guys are about ready to fuck each other. It's just like, I understand a little bit. Who's getting who the guard is basically missionary position, except somebody's trying to fucking, you know, knock your fucking block off. Other than that, I guess it's, I guess it is a sexual position. But I will say this, people who just always say that, you know, dude, if they went up against a box or a box, it would blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't think so.

I think it's like 5050. Because I remember when was it Tim the maniac Sylvia fought that? What the fuck was that guy's name? He had like the hardest head ever. And he tried to grab him by the back of his neck and pull him down and fucking give him a knee to the head and the guy just threw an uppercut and knocked out Tim Sylvia. I think it would be about 5050. But I would have to get after a while, I would think the UFC guys would learn to deal with

the danger of a boxer's hands because I don't think anybody in the UFC can box as good as a professional boxer because that's all they fucking do. You know what I mean? Like I'm sure there's some quarterbacks in the NFL that can kick the ball, you know, can actually do a halfway decent punt, but they're not going to be better than the punter who sits there stretching his fucking leg until he can do a total split. They're never going to kick it farther than that guy because that's all he does. So I would think even Muhammad Ali in his fucking prime would have a hard time going 5050 if

all he knew was boxing because I would think that 50% of the time, maybe he could catch the person as they came in and tried to shoot his legs. And I know I don't know shit about this. All you fight fans fucking relax. All right, I got an hour here to kill. This is me just, you know, I took a couple of fucking Jiu Jitsu classes and that was it before I was onto something else. I was just like, this, this isn't for me.

You know what I mean? By the time I, by the time Jiu Jitsu became people were doing it, I was already in my thirties and I was just like, I'm too fucking old to be fucking rolling around the ground. You know, I'm giving up my wallet. Okay. I'm at that age and I'm going to pray you don't kill me. Just take whatever you want, man. I don't want trouble.

I got a black belt in that. So anyway, just, just fucking entertain me here. I would think that if a you, a mixed martial artist, instead of a UFC guy or woman, if they were to fucking fight a professional boxer, obviously, you know, they're throwing hands. So all I would do, I would stay outside. If I had an MMA person skill, I would stay outside of their hands and I would just do what Joe Rogan loves the best, the fucking leg kicks.

And just keep smacking them in the fucking thigh over and over and over again. Chop them down. And then when you shoot their legs, the second you get them on their back, they're fucked. If you have no, if you have no fucking defense against somebody that knows how to grapple and ground upon the ground, dude, you're fucking done. It's over. Maybe I'm nuts. Maybe I'm fucking crazy.

I don't know anything about this, but I'll tell you this right now. I was actually those, those, the women of the UFC, um, like what's her face? Rhonda Rousey. What she did to that woman, she could do to me. I mean, it would be over. She'd fucking throw my pasty ass right over a goddamn hip. My fucking powder of white legs would slam on the ground. And I would, I don't know what I would, and then I would just be taking them to the fucking

head. I'd probably be making some really embarrassing, like emasculating fucking noise in her armpit. And that would, that would lose consciousness. I think if I ever dated somebody, I was married to a woman that was as good a fighter as Rhonda is, I would literally, the amount of times I would be like, okay, okay, you know, just let's just talk this out. All right. Just because you could, she would literally be beating the shit out of me.

What am I going to do? Am I going to report it? I couldn't. Then what I'd have to do is on the side, I would have to start taking some classes. Just as a man, I can't fucking report this shit. I'd have to start taking some classes to somehow get some sort of defense against her throwing me across the fucking living room. And then once the first time she ever saw any sort of beyond what the fuck I knew, you

know, what are you taking classes behind my back? And then she kicked the shit out of me even worse. Oh my God. See, this is why I wish the Chappelle show was still on. How funny would fucking Dave Chappelle be in a goddamn sketch about dating the UFC female champion and pissing her off? Remember in the Rick James sketch when he gets kicked in the air and he landed on that dresser?

Just imagine them using the same special effects of him getting thrown over that one of those judo throws. Jesus Christ. That reminded me of one I remember in the late 80s when you used to fucking like her fight, her title defense. That reminded me of Tyson in his prime as far as how quickly it was over. Do you remember that shit? Anybody else of age that they remember ordering the Tyson fight?

Guys, come on over. I got the Tyson fight and like Tyson, the fight ended before the pizza got there. And everyone was just standing around fucking eating a pizza that was too hot to bite into and just going like, dude, that was fucking bullshit. It cost like 45 bucks. I still remember where I was when he beat Michael Spinks, a buddy of mine. We were in his newly finished basement. The same basement I watched when Larry Bird stole the ball from Isaiah Thomas and had

a nice low ceiling. I remember that I jumped up and scraped my knuckles like raising Arizona. I remember we were there watching the fight and we were beside ourselves. Couldn't fucking believe it because we didn't understand back then, you know, the whole fucking liver punch and all that shit. We just didn't get it. We were like, how the fuck is this guy? Actually, I think he took one to the head at that point.

Took a shot to the side and then in the last, he had already gone down like fucking three times over in like 90, 91 seconds and we were pissed. It was funny. His house was the house that always ordered the fight. I watched like the first WrestleMania over there. God damn it. Those were good times. Good fucking times.

So anyways, I still totally respect boxing. I respect all of that shit, man. I wish I knew how to do that stuff. I wish I could learn that shit without getting the brain damage. You know? So anyways, what do you guys think? If Floyd Mayweather, because that's the thing Verzi always brings up. Oh, dude, we had a fucking.

We had a fucking epic argument where Verzi was trying to say, I'm going to get him in trouble here because everyone's going to fucking write into his podcast. He was trying to say that Mayweather would have beaten Hagler, Hearns, Durran and Sugar Ray Leonard. And I was trying to say, look, you know, at best he goes two and two. Okay. I'm not trying to disrespect him and I'm not trying to disrespect them. And Verzi just kept going. He's the fastest fighter ever.

That's what they said. He has the fastest hands ever. And it's like, okay, okay. Yeah. The guys calling the fight who are selling the fight who are trying to convince you that you are not wasting your money by ordering the pay per view. Yes, they're hyping him up as the greatest, the fastest and all that fucking shit. But you know, I don't know.

So me, Lawhead and him got in the screaming matches. Except they're laughing at us. We were in this great steakhouse at the Mirage. Unbelievable fucking steaks. Unbelievable fucking steaks we had. And we were like, it was us. And there was one other family that was like across the restaurant. We basically closed the place down and we got into such a fucking screaming match about

whether or not Hagler, Hearns or whatever could beat Floyd Mayweather. I remember looking over and there was two waiters at the other side of the restaurant, just laughing at us. But Versey was convinced that Mayweather, I don't know. I got to be honest with you. I don't watch a bunch of boxing to know. I mean, I don't see Mayweather knocking anybody out. I don't know.

I always thought Hagler was the best out of all of them, even though he lost to Sugar Ray Leonard. I thought that was bullshit. I thought he won that fight. And I got a hand it to him. He fucking lost that fight. Said this is bullshit. He left. He moved to Italy.

He became an action hero, right? And you never heard of him since. I bet his brain is pretty much intact. So good on him. You know, Bartnick is convinced that he fucking threw the fight. And that's why he immediately went to Italy afterwards and became an action hero story. So that didn't make any fucking sense. I don't know.

But he looked visibly upset at the end of the fight. He said, like, this is why you don't fight in Vegas and yada, yada, yada and all this other fucking bullshit. So anyways, all right. How far? Oh, 41 minutes in. Jesus Christ. I got a hyper couple of things here for this week. I got, I'm doing a benefit for hungry children, children who are hungry in Brooklyn.

Next week, we'll have the link up on my Twitter page at the MM podcast. And Monday and Tuesday, I will be out there doing a set. And I guess out in Brooklyn. So I'll be back in New York with that heat, humidity and all of that fucking horseshit. And then I'm immediately flying right back here because, yeah, I'm on vacation. I'm on full convocation over. Also, I got to ask some people if you already don't don't know shit about fighting and all that type of stuff, obviously from the last five minutes of this podcast, but I got to ask you my dog. Sometimes when we're hiking, I don't know if it's because she's hot or what, but all of a sudden she just wants to eat every piece of grass on the hike and she eats it until she pukes.

I don't understand what the fuck that is. I bring water. I offer her water. She doesn't want it. And she keeps eating the grass, then she pukes and then she's dehydrated and then she drinks the shit out of the water. So basically what I've been doing is I've been, you know, because these are the hotter months, I just decided I'm going to take her on shorter hikes earlier in the morning. And I noticed, you know, she wasn't doing a lot of that trying to eat grass shit. So I can't tell if she, you know, just has a sensitive stomach.

I don't know what's going on. So if I figure if I gave my two cents about fighting and I don't know shit, I might as well listen to you fucking weekend warrior dog whispers, what the fuck you think it is? I guess I could Google it, right? I don't fucking know. So anyways, what else the fuck did I want to talk about? I think that that was it. All right, let me do, let me do my last bit of reads here on the podcast here for the, for the advertising for this week. Before I get into it, just remind everybody, once again, if you'd like to donate to the podcast without donating, just go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page and click on the Amazon link.

Anytime you're going to go to Amazon, if you think you're going to buy something, if you take that extra step, I get credit for sending traffic there and they kick me a little thanks for sending traffic here. It doesn't cost you extra money. It is an extra step. If you don't want to do it, I get it, but I'd appreciate it if you would. And with that, here's some more wonderful reads from Bill Burr in the future. Well, hey, guess what? There was only one ad read this week. So back to the podcast, you fucking cunts. Jesus Christ, did I butcher those or did I not? I have no fucking idea. Last but not least, all of a sudden, everybody's getting a drone and I'm calling it right now.

Somebody with a drone is going to kill somebody. They're going to take down a fucking helicopter or a small fucking plane to have just anybody in the world be able to buy those things and fly them around. I cannot fucking believe that that is legal. Okay, no flight plan, no radio contact, no pilot, no nothing. Just flying around up there. Do you know when you ride in a helicopter, you're not allowed to have anything in your pockets, especially if the fucking doors are off? Anything, a cell phone, anything goes into that fucking rear rotor. You immediately have to put that fucking neutral and auto rotate down to the ground.

Okay, can you imagine what's going to happen on one of these fucking drones? I swear to God, where the fuck is the FAA on this one? I really hope they don't allow people to get these things to the level that they're going to get them. What's funny already is perverts are seeing the advantage of them and I've watched a couple YouTube videos and there's women that have accused they've taken pictures of these guys that they're bringing these cameras up and they're hovering outside of these high-rise apartments trying to look into people's... I swear to God, in the future I literally think everything is going to be filmed. You're going to have no fucking privacy whatsoever. You're going to have to stay in your house with the goddamn shades drawn and then someone will come up with some technology,

some infrared see-through the shades, fucking app that people can use. For the love of God, get a fucking life. If you want to get a pilot, you want to fly, get the balls to get a fucking pilot's license. Fucking asshole. You're going to fly that thing around up there and potentially kill somebody while you're safe on the goddamn ground. I don't know, that ain't right. Bill Burr says it ain't right and we're back. All right, listeners know that the All Things Comedy has added good times with Steve Simone.

There you go, Simone. I don't know how to say his name. Oh, hey, we had our first live podcast last week where we did an auction and all that. I want to thank everybody who called in, people who gave me shit and all that type of stuff. We had a great fucking time and we're definitely going to start doing one of those once a month, bringing on some of the stars of the All Things Comedy Network. We're having a great time running this network. It's a slow burn, but slowly, but surely it is building momentum. Thanks to you guys for listening to all the great podcasts that are out there on the network.

So keep listening. All right, and here we go. Yoko Ono added again multiple emails from people sending the following link of Yoko Ono at the Glastonbury Festival this summer. Oh, yeah, I made fun of Yoko Ono a long time ago. I got to be honest, Yoko Ono and the plastic band, whatever, plastic Ono band or whatever, the band is fucking great. And I got to tell you, as far as this video for Yoko Ono, her singing isn't that bad. She'd actually be pretty decent at a fucking karaoke thingamajig there.

I don't know if you want to see some more bad Yoko Ono or actually good Yoko Ono singing, which is sort of just bad singing. All right, let's get to the questions for this week here. Summertime blue. Hey there, Billy Weedwacker. I'm sitting in my cubicle and I'm hating my life. It's summertime. My kids are hanging by the pool with my wife and I have friends who have cooler jobs that allow them

more time off to travel and hang out. This rut, well, first of all, dude, the fact that you have a wife and kids at home and you got a cubicle job, you're crushing it. You know, I always thought those cubicle jobs, they gave you the little skinny Michael J. Fox tie and that's all you got. Anyways, this rut has me thinking about the good times I used to have riding my bike, playing baseball and hanging out with friends all day till it got dark and then playing some video games once the mosquitoes got too bad.

What are your favorite summertime memories? What do you miss the most? What do I miss the most? Oh, yeah, you know what it is, is you just... I just wish there was a way to convey to a kid a mortgage, you know, being in a relationship, property tax, you know, nine to five job, term papers, all of this shit that you have to do. Counting calories, all of that fucking crap. I just wish there was a way.

You know what I miss? I miss my problems that I had as a kid that I thought were huge. That's what I miss, you know, that someone was picking on me at school, that there was some girl I liked and I didn't know what to say, you know. Oh, that the Sunday papers are coming and they're going to be really heavy. When I go to deliver them, those are my problems. Oh, it's raining today on my paper route. Dude, I had the fucking...

I had the best childhood when I really go back and think about it, you know. I had a paper route so I always... I always had a fucking job so I always had money. I used to make like 18 bucks a week. Okay, when you don't have a car payment, when you don't have a mortgage, when you don't have to pay for food, when you have zero fucking expenses and all you're into is fucking candy bars and football cards. $18 in a pack of football cards was 35 cents a pack.

And it came with a piece of gum. Ah, it was unbelievable. We used to live in this old house. It was a... We lived in the front and these other people lived in the back. It was just beautiful. I mean, it was run down, but I mean, you could... It's the reason why I bought this old house that I have.

The appreciation for the woodwork and stuff. And what I always thought was cool is that it had two stairways. Like a lot of old houses have a stairway in the front and the stairway in the back. And I always thought that that was cool as shit. But what they did was they put dividers up in the middle and built another kitchen in the back. And the back stairway was a smaller place and then the front, we had the bigger one because we have a bigger family. And this fucking place had unfinished Blair Witch basement.

Like one of those turn of the century, last century, I should say, foundations that always had the smell of dampness and all of that shit. That was downstairs. We had a ping pong table, which was just an unfinished piece of plywood with a net on it in the paddles, right? A bunch of other shit down there and spiders. We'd play that down there and you had the washer and dryer down there, which we had up on two by fours because every time it fucking rained,

it flooded down there. And the pump never worked. Like you had to go down there and put on your big fucking rain boots and turn on the pump. And then on the next floor up, there was a dining room, a living room and a kitchen. And then you went up the stairs and the woodwork, the banister and all that was fucking incredible. Like I said, it needed a little TLC, but then you went upstairs into the right was a bedroom and to the left was two other bedrooms and then there was another bathroom. And then when you went through the bathroom, there was another door that led up to a third floor

that had two more rooms up there. Like you didn't have to crouch down. It was this old fucking house, but up there, you know, we didn't have any AC in that house and the second floor was bad enough and you got up on the third floor and you like literally risked fucking heat stroke. And that was this incredible old house that we rented for the majority of my childhood. And next to it had a, this giant field and we used to go out there all summer. We played baseball during baseball season.

During the winter we played football. My dad put up a basketball rim and it was funny. He wasn't a sports guy and he thought in regulation room was nine feet. So we had a nine foot basketball rim on a slanted fucking driveway. No wonder I sucked at that sport. Yeah, we used to ride bikes. All of that shit before video games and the internet and all that. You just went outside, climbed trees.

We used to climb up this fucking tree. I lived in like 20, 15 minutes south of Boston. I don't know what it was. So we probably like 10, 12 miles outside the city and we used to climb up a tree that was high enough that we could see the potential building and the John Hancock building. Two biggest buildings in Boston, you know, both insurance companies. Go figure, right? They never fucking pay anybody.

We used to climb all the way up those fucking things. We were the member of this fucking town pool. We'd ride our bikes down there. We just stayed out at the pool from one to seven every fucking day swimming all day. We just had no fucking worries. Your life was a vacation. It was fucking ridiculous. And all you had was this bullshit homework and I was such a pussy.

I couldn't even get to do it homework. My life was a fucking joke. My life has never been better. It was never better and you just don't even realize that when you didn't have rent, you had no fucking worries sitting around eating fucking candy bars. You don't even get fat. It's fucking hilarious. So that's what I miss.

I miss all of that. All of that shit. Those fucking elementary school days right into like junior high. Once you started getting into junior high, then that's when people really started to break off into cliques. People started their first fucking drinking and drug abuse and then all the bullshit starts and all that fucking crap. That's kind of where it went off the rails for me.

But yeah, man, I miss all of that shit. It's fucking perfect. Dude, when you don't have any expenses and you make an $18 a week and your hobby costs you 35 cents a whack, I mean, you're the king of the world. So yeah, I miss all of that. I miss all of that shit. That's what I would say.

Let me get to the questions. Jesus Christ. Oh, I guess that was a question. I got so involved in that. I forgot it was. All right, my friend is now a woman. Oh, Jesus. To he whose hair is red and whose balls are blue.

I'm a 25 year old man and one of my close friends from high school who I still see somewhat regularly recently told me that he is transgender. You know, I don't know what that means. Let me look that up. I always get trans. Transvestite means you just wear women's clothes. Let me get this right. Transgender.

Here we go. Transgender according to Wikipedia is the state of one's gender identity. Self identification as woman, man, neither or both or gender expression, not matching ones assigned sex. Also, you don't have to get a, so a transsexual then is if you had the sex change. You know what this is like?

This is like trying to spell like psycho, psychology, psychotic. I don't fucking know. All those P-Y-S-C-H, all those fucking things. I can never keep them straight. Identification by others is male, female, or intersex based on physical slash genetic sex. This is already over my head. Transgender is independent of sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation. What is that? What is sexual orientation? What you're into? Now you've got to look on this, right? Sexual orientation is an enduring personal quality that inclines people to feel romantic or sexual attraction to persons of the opposite sex or gender.

The same sex. All right, so basically gay straight by, okay. So that mystery. Oh my God, this is like quicksand. It just keeps going further. Transgender is independent of who you want to fuck. Let's put this in layman's term. Transgender people may identify as heterosexual,

homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, pansexual, polysexual or asexual. I know what asexual is. I know what bisexual. What is pansexual? Why would you have sex with a babe? Pansexual or omnisexuality is sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love or emotional attraction

toward people of any sex or gender identity. Oh, so that's not bisexual. Like you're into men and women. This goes to the next level where you're also into transsexuals. Jesus, you know what this, this seems like, you know, those word problems in math. Oh my God, look at this. You know, this fucking, okay, polysexual.

It looks polysexual. You know, you know, the male sign and the female sign. The sign for polysexual looks like that sign that Prince changed himself to. Polysexuality is the attraction to multiple genders and or sexes. What do they mean multiple genders? There's two genders.

You either a man or a woman, right? Or it's a transsexual. I'm already lost. Is that considered a gender? A polysexual, if you run for office, do you have to know this shit so you don't fuck this up? President Burr, how much does a dozen eggs cost? I don't fucking know.

I got a private shift. A polysexual person is one encompassing or characterizing, characterised by many different kinds of sexuality. Polysexuality is a sexual identity used by people who recognize that the term bisexual... I can't even read this word. R-E-I-F-L-E-S? The gender dichotomy that underlines the distinction

between heterosexuality and homosexuality. Oh, is that what it is? I have no, I don't fucking know. I don't even know. So, Jesus fucking Christ. You know what's funny? The amount of people that could read that and totally get it. It just all becomes fucking mumbo jumbo to me.

Alright, I can't even remember. Transgender. Okay, he actually said this means that even though he is physically a man, he identifies as a woman, okay? He told me that he isn't thinking about getting surgery or anything major like that, just to try living as a woman from now on.

Well, he just became way more difficult to buy for, didn't he? Guys are easy to buy. Now, what do you buy the guy who identifies as a woman that has everything? You know, what do you get him? Some Chanel scarf that's out of print? I don't fucking know. Anyways, he has always been a little peculiar,

so this didn't exactly come out of left field. But since telling me this, he slash she has begun wearing unflattering women's clothing. That to be blunt, look fucking gross. Well, did he know how to dress when he was a guy? I mean, can you give him a little bit of a learning curve? How would you put together an outfit? I would go with yoga pants and flats.

I would just start like, you know, I would dress like a woman on laundry day. I would ease myself into it, you know? Before I tried to pull off anything a little more risque. You know? Like, what would I change my name to, whatever, Wilma? Wilma's clubbing tonight. Then what do I do?

You know, I'd have to do some sort of theme, like dress like a housewife in the 1950s. Like Rosie the Riveter meets fucking, that chick who was banging Desi Arnaz. Lucy, whatever. Imagine David Cross prancing around in a skimpy miniskirt. Anyways, I want to be supported. Oh, he went, he went, oh, he dove straight in.

He's dressing like a fucking skank. Anyways, I want to be supported of my friend in this time in their life and don't want to turn my back on them, but I don't know how much more I can handle seeing them dressed like this and his slash her new interest in cutesy girly stuff seems contrived. I don't think you can really contrive something like that. You know, it takes a lot of fucking balls, which I'm sure you can see hanging out of that small skirt.

To walk around in that shit. He says, I've thought about suggesting for him slash her to wear more conservative female clothing, but don't know how to begin to bring up a subject like that. I would just bring up Barbara Bush and just see what the conversation goes. Um... Oh, I don't know what the fuck to tell you here. I'm making suggestions.

Now, this is a question, do you have to call her? I think that's fucking weird. It's like you're clearly a dude. You still have a dick, right? You know, I don't know, I guess... That's one of those things where you go like, yeah, he's right over there and then someone will be like, she, she's over there.

People patting themselves in the back, how politically correct they are. Oh, you mean that hairy leg chick with the dick and balls? Is that where she is? Jesus fucking Christ, 2 plus 2 is 5 now? I'm accepting with his jean skirt, isn't that enough? You gonna comment me about pronouns? Anyways, overall, this friendship is just proving to be exhausting

because I feel like I've lost a friend I once had and they've become a new person that I don't get along with. Am I an asshole if I stop agreeing to hang out with him slash her and slowly cut them out of my life? What would you do in my situation? He slash she has always had a strong personality and many other friends, so it isn't like I'd be leaving them to be alone. But am I a bad person if I can't handle being their friend anymore?

Thanks, love the podcast and go fuck yourself. Now, if somebody's being irritating, they're fucking irritating, alright? You've accepted their choice. You know, I don't know if they're annoying the shit out of you, then yeah. You seem like you've accepted their fact. Like, you can't go so liberal that even though they've become a douche that you're gonna completely ignore that because you feel like you're now not accepting the fact that he now dresses like a she.

So, if you don't have a problem with that, which you don't seem to, but the person still is annoying, then, you know, you can't just fucking hang out with them because now they're wearing a dress. You know, treat them like a regular person. If they're fucking irritating, you gotta cut them out of their life. Out of your life. That's it. Alright, corporations.

Billy CEO. You're always trashing corporations and rightfully so. But are there any companies you do like? If you were a NASCAR driver, who would you want to be your sponsor? Or if you did a commercial, what would it be for? Go fuck yourself and come back to Baltimore. Dude, that's a great fucking question. I don't know.

I guess a beer company, because I like beer. Any sort of booze I would be fine with. Other than that, I would like to try to get somebody, I don't know, somebody that makes furniture in this country or somebody who, I don't know, fucking redoes cars or something. Something that I thought was cool, but they weren't like, I certainly wouldn't want a Walmart. Jesus, Cleo.

The fucking dog collar. Who would I want? I don't know. I'd probably be like some of the beer, some of the obscure beer companies that I found. You know, like when I was in Australia, that little creatures beer that I liked. I would say some shit like that, I guess. I don't know, the NHL. Just shit that I was into.

Maybe a drum company, but they're not going to waste their time putting that shit on the side of a car, would they? Who the fuck would I have? That's a great fucking question. Something unique. I don't know, I just like to go out there independent and just have a fucking badass car with no sponsor name on it, right? And just the sickest fucking paint job. Make all those other guys look fucking stupid, right? And if you actually win, you know, just have a fucking, I don't know what the fuck you put on it.

Some of that shit you see on all those cool car shows, gas monkey shit. I guess something like that. God damn it. This is like when he's back in the day when you'd still had record stores. I mean, I mean, what makes CD stores when there's Virgin and all that shit. And as you walk around during the week, I'm going to buy this CD and buy that CD and then you walk in the store and you couldn't fucking remember anything. I might have to answer this one next week. I don't know.

No fucking idea. All right, engagement ring, dare build matrimony. I'm buying my girlfriend an engagement ring soon when I want to get something simple. I feel like giving her something fancy will stress the importance of luxury and that's not how I want to start our lives together. Jesus Christ. I do well and money is not the issue. I think that if I tied a string around her finger, that should be enough. It's a symbol, not a collector's item.

How do I convey this to her? Also, please don't act like a chick and tell me how and why it's important to her. Well, I mean, you've basically walled off everything except your opinion. You sound very fucking controlling and you sound like a cheap fuck. All right, so go get her a fucking little piece of string and convey to her the importance of the dollar. Do that for her. Everybody loves that. You know, when you're throwing a keg party for someone to come around, go, hey, let's get a cheap beer.

Okay, let's only get a quarter keg. Everybody get a small sippy cup here on this big day of celebration. This is the biggest day of her fucking young life. The only day bigger than this is going to be when she gives birth to children. Okay, so go ahead with your little string, tie it around her fucking finger. How do you say that to her? Jesus fucking Christ. How would you like it, sir?

Well, once you guys got married and you were going down and you wanted to go down and you wanted to go buy this new Corvette that's coming out, the new fucking Z06, whatever it is, that's going to go 200 fucking miles an hour and you earned the goddamn money and she says no. And she stresses to you the importance of that fucking shit. Oh, I guess you're going to say, well, it's my money. I can do what the fuck I want. I don't know how to give an example. What I'm going to say is that I feel bad for this woman because I don't know. I don't know. I feel like if you're with the right woman, you want to fucking buy her, you know? I feel like if you fucking love your wife, okay, and if you have the funds,

don't you want her to have like a closet full of all the shoes she ever wanted? You know, that's like her sports package or whatever. Go ahead. Go ahead. Have all your fucking shoes, dress up. I know you're into this shit. I know that makes you happy. Why would I want to deny you that? Go get all the fucking shoes you want, you know? I don't know. Personally speaking, I would buy her a... I don't know. I would buy... This is what I would do, sir. I would buy a ring that conveys your feelings towards her rather than your feelings towards your wallet

and your concern that she's going to be spending all of your money. And if that really is a concern of yours, that's a major fucking concern because that's one of the number one things that drives people apart is money. If you guys are not on the same page monetarily, I would really reconsider what the fuck it is you're about really to do. All right there? All right there, control freak? Fucking cutting all the goddamn... Jesus Christ. All right, this is my impression of this guy on one of his kids' birthdays, all right? They're all in the other room. He's in the other room counting his fucking money

and they're in the other room going, Happy birthday to you. Hey, keep it down! Don't sing too loud. Don't be too happy. I don't want to set a precedent with our baby's first birthday that, you know, this is how happy we got to be even more happy in the next one. Give us some place to go. Quit your crying.

All right, and that is the podcast for this week everybody. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate everybody's listening and all that type of shit. Don't take any crap. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week. And I think that's it. Yeah, that is it. All right, go fuck yourself. Thank you for watching.

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