Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-8-21

Episode Date: July 8, 2021

Bill rambles about teams getting raked, the NYC subway, and drum vibes.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you, seeing how the fuck is your week going, huh? Right now, okay? If you get to punch one person in the face, what's the first face that just popped into your head? person in the face? What's the first face that just popped into your head? Yeah? What punch would you throw? What would you like their reaction to be? If you have quick answers to all of these questions,

you are working the wrong job. And over the next hour, I'm going to tell you how to make your dreams come true so you don't drive to work thinking about punching someone in the fucking face. I love that shit. Over the next hour, I'm going to fucking act like I'm going to tell you something while I'm really not.

And eventually there's going to be a fucking link. I know this is going to cost money because what you're claiming is ridiculous. So just show me the link. You know, since the beginning of time, people have been trying to lose weight. That statement makes no sense. They were trying to gain weight. It was caveman days. I don't give a fuck.

It's advertising. There's been all kinds of exercise equipment and fucking this and fucking that. But then what happens? You end up putting the weight right back down. Well, you know what? Over the next hour, I'm going to tell you the secret that all these Hollywood celebrities, all of these UFC shredded guys, all of these fucking skinny ass supermodels are doing. It's called chew and spit.

Now, fucking with you. I am in a great mood, I'm in a great mood, baby, I am, I've been working out, now, I didn't reach my goal of getting down to 186 pounds, I missed it by a pound. All right? What, am I going to quit? Am I going to take my sneakers off? Walk out of the gym with my head down, wearing my socks? You hear people in the background like, hey, where are you going? Game's not over yet.

Whatever. I'm fucking I'm on it the world has no place for a fat ginger or maybe they want one but I'm not filling the void you ain't getting this pasty cunt

not today baby not tomorrow either um yeah it worked out today and I felt fucking great you know baby. Not tomorrow either. Yeah, it worked out today and I felt fucking great. You know, going to Vegas fucked me up a little bit like it does for most people and then it took me a couple days getting

back to get back on the horse, which is today Wednesday. Alright? And I'm making a comeback the same way the Montreal Canadians refuse to get swept. All right, Tampa. All right, you're up three games to none.

All right, you're $18 million over the salary cap. But for some reason, that's not considered a fucking cheating advantage. There's all these fucking articles saying, oh, what they did isn't cheating. It's fucking brilliant. That guy had a legit hip injury. Oh, yeah, and then he comes back the first game of the playoffs. You know, okay, if that is not manipulating a fucking system, that isn't fucking cheating. But letting a cunt's hair worth the air out of a football is?

I don't think I want to be a sports fan anymore. Yeah, I'm actually kind of rooting for the Canadians now that I know that these fucking cunts are $18 million over the fucking cap and it's legal. They didn't do anything wrong. This guy actually wrote an article just saying saying you're just being a jealous bitch it's like no no i'm not because i watched my team get raked over the coals every fucking time somebody came out and i don't know turned a fan on on this on the fucking sidelines

i saw my team people would just make shit up and ESPN would run with it for years. That whole bullshit, oh, they tape recorded the practice. It was complete fucking bullshit. And those fucking pussies at ESPN did their retraction at like one in the morning, three years later, was not covered. And then meanwhile, I'm supposed to sit here and be like oh okay all right so you figured out a way a legal way that you can be 18 million dollars over the cap and you're not cheating so then in the same way these people that have offshore accounts you know throughout the fucking whatever the Caribbean or the Canary Islands and they go from one island to another, which is a different country, and they grease the bankers and the lawyers and everybody,

and politicians in every one of those islands. You know, like, you make a zillion dollars, and then this company that doesn't exist in Barbados fucking bills you for a zillion dollars. And then this other company bills that company for a billion dollars in a different island. And so on and so forth. So they get to the last fucking island.

And then the last island, then that company that doesn't exist, that built that other company, that other company, that doesn't really fucking exist, then gives you the money back in the form of a loan, which is not taxable. And you're going to air quote. Pay the loan back. But guess what. The company for no good god damn reason. Forgives the loan. And that's how you live tax free. Totally fucking legal. So what am I supposed to say with that.

That's not cheating. Alright. Go fuck yourself. And fuck the Canary Island. Fucking's not cheating. Alright, go fuck yourself. And fuck the Canary Island fucking Tampa Bay Lightning. Oh, is hips all better? Just in time for the playoffs. I'm actually rooting for the Canadians.

That'd be great. Just watch them come back. The ultimate loss. And I felt it too as a Bruins fan. The fucking goddamn filthy Flyers came back. I remember that Gagne, Simone Gagne came back and Craigie went down with an injury. We had three games to none lead and that just disappeared. And I remember watching game seven in this club that was sort of like a dance club and a bar.

And there was about fucking 40 hardcore Bruins fans out in the back patio in silence watching us lose that last fucking game. I'm wishing that on Tampa Bay. And I'm a Bruins fan too, all right? And it's not because, you know, you're going to fucking give my Patriots all of that fucking bullshit and not give them their fucking due

as they dominated the league for two goddamn decades and every fucking hangnail you could find you tried to fucking and then these cunts could be 18 million oh yeah sure you know if you look at it's uh it's not yeah right is that what you're gonna say i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck because i got the endorphin flowing through me because I got the endorphins flowing through me. An elliptical, an old man's best friend. It's like you're running, but you're not hitting the pavement.

You're wearing out your hips, but who gives a shit? Whatever, I'll get hip surgery, you know, and then I won't do the road, and I'll come back the night of my special to collect all that streaming money. Anyway, I'm fucking with the Tampa Bay Light, but not really. Oh, is it legal?

Did they find a loophole? Was it genius? I mean, that tax evasion is fucking genius. I mean, that's a ton of fucking work. There's so much work involved figuring out who the fuck you have to pay off in each goddamn country that in a way, I mean, that's a ton of fucking work. There's so much work involved figuring out who the fuck you have to pay off in each goddamn country that in a way, I mean, it'd be easier just to write a check to the fucking Federal Reserve, you know, which isn't really a

federal entity, which is a private corporation who takes everybody's fucking money, including the government's. Got us all on the hook, but you know, they found a loophole. They found a loophole. The Phoenix Suns, your Phoenix Suns, with the gorilla mascot that has never made sense, but is still one of the best mascots in the league. I got to look it up.

Why a gorilla? I almost said Roger Paul, Chris Paul. Roger Paul is the first guy that I sent a tape to in New York City that told me I had a future. I still remember it. He said, hey Bill, this is Roger Paul. I sent him a VHS tape. I just got your tape of me killing at Dick Doherty's room at the Grill 93 in Andover, Massachusetts. I believe 93 North. It's one of the great stand-up rooms I was ever in. So everybody killed there, so you would tape.

So I would tape there, and I sent it down to this guy, Roger Paul. And he said, Bill, I saw your tape. You have a major career ahead of you. He called it. He knew. He knew someday I'd be in the middle of a fucking COVID thing standing next to a fucking highway, screaming my jokes at people inside of cars. He saw it. He saw the major career. No, I'm kidding.

But I saved that message on my answer machine and listened to it like a thousand fucking times. I still remember all those early ones. I remember Louis Faranda. You know, the great tomato gardener that he is at Caroline's Comedy. I still remember his thing. He's like, Billy, this is Louis Faranda from Caroline's.

I saw your tape. You're very funny. That's the way I did it. It was all sort of like in a riddle sort of form. I'd like to see you at my club. railroad walk-through bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. Screaming in silence like, yes! It's all happening! Anyway, Chris Paul, not Roger Paul.

Roger Paul, who booked me on one of my first road dates when I first got, I never even told him this shit. He booked me in some room in fucking way up there in Vermont. Way the fuck up. I just remember he got on 87 and like the last sign was, do you seriously want to go drive to Canada right now? That was your exit.

And then you fucking went over the river into fucking Vermont. And I worked with this fucking passive aggressive asshole. I was a young kid and he was like 10, 15 years older than me. And I was headlining and he wasn't. So right there, there's going to be friction. But he acted like he was my friend. So this fucking cunt was supposed to do 20 minutes. The first show, he did 35.

So I kind of said to him, he goes, oh, sorry, I didn't know where the light was. And I was like, all right. And then the next show, he did 37. He had one show Friday and two on Saturday

or something like that. And all I remember was he just kept saying, oh, sorry, you talked to me and all that shit. And then on the last fucking show, because what he was trying to do was wear out the crowd. He did 50 fucking minutes. 50 fucking minutes, this fucking piece of shit

who I never saw again. I never saw him again. And I went up there and I was so fucking mad at him. And then I had to do 45 after he had totally burnt out the crowd and they were hammered. That was what happened when you were coming up. And, you know, this was the early to mid-90s. So this was a guy who was probably headlining in the 80s. And then he dipped down.

And it became my fault that he didn't get where he wanted to be during the comedy boom, and now it was like a lull. But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk to you about Chris Paul, who I believe would get his first ring. All right? They win game one. Was it 118 to 108 or something like that?

I'm hoping it's going to be a good series. Giannis. Oh, God, I had it right last night. Ante Decompo. I don't know. I don't watch enough hoop. Was playing last night, which was great. I know he's not 100% with his knee,

but I'm hoping that there'll be a nice classic game seven. I'm thinking the last fucking time, you know, the Phoenix Suns and the Bucks were like two powerhouses. They had to have been the 1970s. You know? Then the first half, like 70 to 75. Even though I know Charles Barkley led

the Phoenix Suns. I mentioned that last night. In 1993, they went to the NBA Finals. So I am, and it's the Finals. It's the Stanley Cup Final. It's the NBA Finals. So I'm going to be watching that. I'm going to be watching tonight and I'm going to be watching tonight

I'm going to be watching hopefully the Canadians win another game you know what I mean and gradually have the greatest comeback in Stanley Cup final history I'm now rooting for them

as a Bruins fan which I cannot fucking believe because no one before I found out they were 18 million over the cap, was rooting hard. Every round, I've been rooting against these fucking guys because I want the curse of Patrick Roy to continue because that's all I got. Okay? And all Canadians fans have is, hey, you remember last century when I was 30 years younger? And we used to win it, you know? I mean, if you go back 45 years, we used to win it all the fucking time. That's all they got.

Like, their theme song is that Bruce Springsteen song. Glory days, they'll pass you by. Glory days. When you booing Patrick, why you fucking cunts? I want to do that so bad, but now I can't. All right, it's got to be a fair fight here. It's got to be a fair fight. So congratulations to Tampa.

You figured out a way to, you know, have an extra superstar more than everybody else. Congratulations. superstar more than everybody else. Congratulations. Anyway, I watched that race, the last F1 race. I had a great time watching that. Max Verstappen winning it. Botas coming in second. I forget who came in third, but all I know is a certain fucking guy was not even on the podium, so I can't even imagine, and I was waiting for then, Max Verstappen wins the race, Lewis Hamilton is in fourth, oh, he must, he must be so upset, I mean, fourth place, he probably went home listening to Drake, but I love, I'm not rooting against Lewis Hamilton, I'm, I'm, I'm just teasing the guy, the guy's fucking amazing, He's an amazing driver.

But I love that Mercedes can't figure out their fucking car right now because it's making it really exciting. Because I'll tell you right now, the genius of how much Lewis Hamilton sulks when he's not winning is like he puts the Mercedes team of engineers, they're like the husband in the relationship, okay? And Mama Bear isn't happy. You know the deal.

When your wife isn't happy, everybody's going to stop what the fuck they're doing to try to make her happy or else we're not going to be able to enjoy our fucking day. So I think that that's what's going on. So he's going to be so fucking, he's going to be moodier than a fucking NBA superstar that doesn't feel he has enough fucking free agent help to get a layup super fucking NBA championship.

So I think that that's going to drive them, no pun intended, to give him a better car. At which point we're going to see some racing, man. Which should be tremendous. Because I got to be honest with you. Other than watching Lewis Hamilton in fourth place, it was kind of a fucking boring race. Because now Max Verstappen is, you know, his car is so fast. It's a race to turn one. And once he's out there, he's in the clean air.

It's fucking over again. But whatever. I'm not going to sit here and bitch because it's been the Lewis Hamilton show forever. So it's fun to see somebody else in there. It's fun to see the Suns and the Bucks in the finals. You know? And it'd be fun to see the Canadians win fucking three straight, four straight. I know.

I'm a cunt. What do you want from me? What do you want from me? I know, I'm a cunt, what do you want from me, what do you want from me, anyway, I'm still flying high off of the fucking, the trip out to Vegas, I had such a, just to be back, to finally make some fucking money, you know, I've always been good with my money, but last year, you know, like everybody else, I lost money, first time fucking, since way back in my Roger Paul days when I was hemorrhaging cash. Eating fucking, eating pasta every night, afraid to take a taxi. Sometimes I would walk home so I wouldn't fucking, you know, just to save a subway token.

This is back when New York was a lot scarier. And I did that like one time. Like, what am I doing? I think it was, I want to say, was it 75 cents? And then it went up to $1.25 and everybody flipped out. Let me just see here. 1995. Price of a NYC Subway token. Was it 75 cents?

Oh, wow. Look at this. They actually sell these tokens used on eBay for $12. Last version of the token. Oh, it was $1.50 fare. Oh, so it went from $1.25 to $1.50. Yeah, I mean, I was spending like three bucks. Yeah, it was like, you know, three bucks.

It was like Chinese food for a week. No. At the Transit Museum store, you can buy a set of the five historic New York City subway tokens introduced in 1953, 1970, 1980, 1986, and 1995, as well as subway tokens made into key rings, lapel pins, cufflinks, bracelets, and money clips. That's actually kind of cool. The 1953 token, they got this and this. This is on gothammagazine.com. The 1970 token.

1980, I don't recognize any of these. 1986, nothing. 1995 token. Oh, yeah, it looked like the yen because it had the hole in the middle of it. I don't even remember that. It was $1.86. It was 60 cents in 1980. 30 cents in 1970. And 15 cents in 1953. And that's the way it was

on the New York City subways. Wait, how old were the subways? What were they? Was it free? History. Okay. First subway NYC year. 1904, the first underground line of the subway opened on october 27th 1904

almost 36 years after the opening the first elevated line new york city all right new york New York City subway. Rapid transit system. All right. So it began in 1904. Construction, expansion, lines, routes. This is actually really interesting to me because I'm a nerd. Fares. Here we go. Riders pay a single fare to enter the subway system and may transfer between trains.

I know that. What did it initially cost? The MetroCard. What's the Omni? October 23rd, it was announced that the MetroCard would be phased out and replaced by Omni, a contactless fare payment system. Omni, a contactless fare payment system with the fare payment being made using Apple Pay, Google Pay, debit cards with near field communication technology, radio frequency. So how do the homeless ride it now?

I had no idea. All right, this is the last thing. I know this is probably boring. History. How much was a subway ride in 1904 NYC? Single ride costs five seconds. Say, mister, can you spare a nickel so I can get home to me mother, and that's the way it was, New York City, sorry, all right, let's, let me read a little advertising here, and then I'll tell you a couple more dumb stories, all right, oh, Mack Weldon, everybody,

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when you make your first deposit. With mybookie, using promo code BURR at MyBookie.ag. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with MyBookie. What do you guys think about that fight this weekend? I mean, I always love seeing new blood coming in there, but I don't want to fucking... I don't want to see Conor McGregor lose again. Am I crazy?

I'm rooting for McGregor. Conor McGregor lose again. Am I crazy? I'm rooting for McGregor. Conor McGregor. You know, I hope he wins and then retires. I don't want to see that guy get all fucking knocked out and then fucked up and everything. And then I don't want to, you know what I hate when somebody like, somebody great gets beaten

is then all these other people that are too much of a bitch to fucking go into a ring or never even had a fight in their life get to talk shit like i love watching this fight why do you love watching the fight because he's so much of a fucking man that you can't handle it that you want to see him lose so you feel better about yourself. He's one of the greatest of all fucking time. That's like when, what's her face loss? To, Holly Holmes. Dude, what is going on with my brain?

I can't remember anybody. I can't remember anybody's names. Holly Holmes, Ronda Rousey. Everybody talking all that shit about Ronda Rousey. Ronda Rousey. Everybody talking all that shit about Ronda Rousey. Ronda Rousey, like, put women fighting on the map. She came out of fucking nowhere.

She used to headline those fucking fights and all the entertainment that she gave you, and then she gets knocked out once, and all these people are fucking excited. Yeah, fuck you, and all that shit. I don't understand that. I always have this, I don't know. The way I look, whenever I see that happen,

even sometimes there'll be a fighter that I didn't particularly care for, there's always an element of sadness when I see a great fighter get knocked out. And then you just have to respect the balls that they have to go in there knowing that that's gonna happen at any time. And they could actually have, you know, health issues for the rest of their life with the punishment that they're taking and then on top of all of that they got to go on youtube and take shit from a guy like me who hasn't had a fight

since the fucking sixth grade it's ridiculous it's ridiculous show the fighters some fucking respect so either way i'm hoping for a great fight and I know the younger kid has a huge, you know, future ahead of him. So I got to root for the underdog in that fight.

So I will be watching say night. I will absolutely be watching. So I've been working so hard, you know, flying the choppers here

trying to get ready for my instrument, which I'm, I swear to God the choppers here, trying to get ready for my instrument, which I'm, I swear to God, it's like walking up to a mountain, like, you keep thinking it's right there, and every time you take another step, it's like, no, it's another hundred yards away, I haven't been playing drums, so yesterday, I was like, I gotta sit down and play these things before I forget, and sometimes taking, like, a week off from something is actually really good, because you kind of, you forget what you were trying to do. You get out of your rut.

You're excited to sit down. And I've been watching a lot of like drummers that rather than just shredding on the drums, you know, crazy chops. I've been trying to watch people that are actually like saying something. Rather than just shredding on the drums, you know, crazy chops, I've been trying to watch people that are actually, like, saying something. And their approach to the kit versus somebody who learns a lick, adds their little thing to it, and then, you know, gets it up to a zillion BPMs and then moves it around the kit on all different sound sources, so it's, I mean, I know it took me the longest time to understand that, you know, whatever the lick is, right,

it would be like I said, put it in the microwave, right, if you just do the same lick all around the kit, it's going to sound like you're doing a bunch of different shit, but you're really just going, put it in the microwave, put it in the microwave, but you're really just going put it in the microwave put it in the microwave put it in the microwave put it in the microwave you're just saying the same for like a crazy person where these people that i'm watching conga players too and everything how they kind of they build like a vibe and there's something about it that's so exciting because you can tell that something an idea came into their head that made him play something you can tell that something, an idea came into their head that made them play something that then leads to something else like that level of freedom on the kit.

So I've just been kind of experimenting at my pathetically low level. I just sort of playing like doubles on the snare and then adding an accent to something and then throwing in a tom and then like what that makes you think of next and then can I play that can I do a little double stroke roll sing a fill and then play whatever the fuck fill I just sang because you can always you know sing something beyond your playing ability. So it was funny as shit. And I just was having a great time and I was in a great mood.

And then I went to the, you know, the bottom triplets after that, afterwards, after I kind of tried to like, I don't know how to connect with the instrument as opposed to sitting down. I am going to play paradiddles. Yesterday I played them at 90 BPM. Today I will try to get it up to 91 BPMs, you know, which there's something to say about that if you're working on technique. But after a while, it's just mind-numbingly, it's boring as opposed to trying to get there where you could play something that makes you feel

something that then makes you then play something and then all of a sudden maybe on some low level you're actually expressing yourself through an instrument which to me is one of the most exciting things I've ever seen a human being do um so I don't know anyway, with that, we're kind of out of time here, because I got to go study, I got to go study for this fucking thing, on my little simulator, all right, that's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, the great Andrew Themelis is going to play a little bit of music, a little musical interlude, and then we'll have a bonus, little musical interlude, and then we'll have a bonus track, no, a bonus episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday,

Monday morning podcast. By the way, have I told you guys that my son, I think he thinks my name is Ball because he says my daughter's name. He'll say his mom. He'll be like, Mama, Mama, and then I walk in, and he's like, Ball, Ball. He looks at me, and he says it. When I pick him up, then he does look around and look for a ball. And I got to tell you, I'm fucking loving it. Because Nia's been saying to him, going, dad, dad, that's dad, dad.

And he goes, ball. And I'm like, yeah, ball. You're going to learn my name someday. I don't need to. You're fucking gravitating towards sports, bud. And you're going to learn my name someday. I don't need to. You're fucking gravitating towards sports, bud. And you're going to be my little sports buddy. Are you fucking kidding me? You don't ever need to know my name.

So I'm really excited about that. He also seems to like cars and shit. It's amazing. Like having a kid. It's like you made like a new friend. You know? Who also doesn't know what the hell they're doing. Like having a kid, it's like you made like a new friend, you know, who also doesn't know what the hell they're doing and you're kind of responsible as they walk towards stuff. He's fucking strong as hell.

And you put him down and he just runs out of the room. You got to make sure the doors are closed. This kid will make a break for it like you can't believe. And when you chase him, he thinks it's the funniest thing ever, so, of course, you know, I like making people laugh, so I just go, I just go, hey, hey, where you going, where you going, he's like, he just runs down the hall, and when I pick him up, he does the cutest scream and laugh ever, it's just every, it's everything you want to become a parent for. So I used to do that with this sister, and she cracks up now laughing because I showed this video of me when I used to do it with my daughter,

and she thinks it's the coolest thing ever. And that's funny. Now she wants me to do it to her, and she's like a big kid now. So it's messing up my back a little there. All right, that's it. You guys have a great weekend. Enjoy the music and the extra episode, the throwback there. All right, that's it. You guys have a great weekend. Enjoy the music and the extra episode, the throwback episode.

All right, you cunts. I'll see you on Monday. ស្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. For Monday, July 8th. How are you? How is it going? Wow, this sounds really good to me. I hope it's sounding this good to you. I think I nailed it.

What's up with these levels? It's fucking phenomenal. Some douche is now going to Twitter me or tweet me, whatever. Actually, I thought the treble was a little too high. Oh, so was your mother when she was pregnant with you? You fucking drunk fetal cunt. Years later, just walking around criticizing people,

and you know what? It's not your fault. It's because your mother, first of all, she was a whore. Spread her legs. No protection. All the leaves are brown, leaves are brown, and her legs are spread, and her legs are spread. Oh, I could sing that whole song and annoy the shit out of you.

That's what I want to hear from next week. Peoples whose mothers were whores and they drank during pregnancies. I want to hear what you think about world events. That's what I want to hear. Is that what you want to hear? Yeah, it is. It is what I want to hear.

It's my podcast. It is what I want to hear. I'm loving Twitter and I fucking hate it, by the way. I got to stop reading comments. There's always people fucking correcting you. You know, I got this European tour coming up and someone was saying, hey, you doing any of the smaller cities? And I was like, no, just pretty much all.

I said all the capitals. And it was like 10 countries and one fucking country. It wasn't the capital. And I got like 20 people. Oh, actually, the capital of Scotland is not Glasgow. It's actually Edinburgh. And they're probably just being nice. They're probably actually, in reality, in their heads, when they were typing it, they were actually going like,

I'm not trying to be a douche. Just letting you know, it's not Glasgow. It's Edinburgh. Just trying to help out. This is just me over here in the back, over here in my corner of the internet, just trying to help out. That's probably how they were typing it. But I'm such a negative douche that I hear it in my corner of the internet just trying to help out that's probably how they were typing it but i'm such a negative douche that i hear it in my head is oh i'm actually you know that's how i hear it that's basically how i hear anybody telling me that i'm doing anything wrong are you like me isn't that exactly everybody all of a sudden no matter what language they're speaking

like some fucking asian person right? Or some Asian motherfucker, right? To keep it clean. Call back to a special, whenever the fuck I did that one. Came up to me and was speaking. Oh God, how dumb am I? If he was up there speaking Asian, if he was talking in his native language, Korean, whatever. And it sounded like, you know, you know, right?

I would hear that like that if he was talking to somebody else. But like if he felt I pulled into his parking spot, it immediately would just be like, it would just immediately sound like, yeah, this guy's a cunt. You know, even if I stole his spot. Like, yeah, this guy's a cunt. You know, even if I stole his spot. And even if I knew he was right and I was wrong in the moment, I'm such a dick that I would block out that voice in my head going,

you know, this guy's right. This guy is right. You know, insulted him a little bit. A little bit, you know, you kind of took his spot. I would still block that out. But the only thing that I can take positive out of it is as far as any sort of like level of maturity that I have gained throughout my adult life is I at least now I recognize that I do that. And I'm actually I've gotten good enough that within 10 minutes of actually whoever I just

called a cunt and driving away, I actually kind of admit out loud in the car to myself going like, you know, that guy was right, Bill. You kind of were a – you were kind of the douche. So I'm trying to get on your bad side. But just next time, let's try to hear the other person, try to apologize. So anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. I like saying it that way. This is the Monday morning podcast. It's like when they say the Ohio State University,

which is one of the funniest bragging things ever. You're bragging about a state school. When you fucked up in high school and you live in Ohio and you can't go to any real university, then this is the college that you end up at. Oh, they love that one in Michigan. But University of Michigan, that's a state school too, right? Those are such weird schools like University of Michigan, right? It's a state school. So anybody did a keg stand instead of studying for math goes in and they live in michigan you end up there that's why their stadium that's why the fucking stadium is so big you know 100 000 fucking people do you think it's because the football programs is that good or because that many people got a

c in math in michigan that's my question for you but if you if you you live out of state it's like nine zillion dollars and you got to be like a fucking you know half a physicist to get in there and you know it's funny i don't even know what a physicist does do they study physics oh look at that over there. Is that a physicist? I don't know. How would you know? I'm a physicist. What's the deal? Sorry. The fuck is a physicist? Is that physics? Are they the ones who study the inertia? Wow. This is new level of ignorance. Do you like that about this podcast? That rather than seeing me grow as a person, I'm slowly regressing. You know, maybe you were already ahead of me. Maybe you were a couple steps behind me. You know, now I'm grabbing my side and you guys are just going around me.

You're still going to come in seventh. You're not winning a medal, but you beat me. Right? Makes you feel better, doesn't it? Well, what does that say about you? When we come back, we'll be talking. I went for a bike ride. Go ahead and laugh.

It's a great thing to do. Trying to keep the weight down, you know, because I read somewhere on the internet, you know, and it was typical research on the internet where you have a question and you're just like, you know, why is the moon round? Why is it round, by the way? If it wasn't just a block out there, what would happen? Oh, Jesus. These eighties stand up presence, uh, presence premises that I'm just throwing out here. That would probably still work in the outer reaches of fucking Iowa. Um, any question you fucking have, you go, you, you Google it on the internet and then immediately you click on

basically the first fucking website you find, you read it and you internet and then immediately you click on basically the first fucking website you find, you read it and you just take that as law. At least I do. That's what I do. So one time, I don't know how I came across this, but they said basically every pound of fat on your body is another five miles of capillaries that your heart has to pump, is another five miles of capillaries that your heart has to pump, which is why even just being 5, 10 pounds over can significantly, I did use that word and I did pronounce it correctly, significantly, that's a five-syllable word, everybody, decrease your lifespan. You know?

I mean, how would you like it if every day, right, you had to drive an extra five, ten miles to work? That's probably not a big deal. But who's a pound overweight? You know, who's two pounds overweight after a certain age? Everybody's at least 10, 15 pounds over. Right? What's 15 times five?

Real quick. That's 75, people. What if you had to go an extra 75 miles to and from work every day? What kind of a fucking mood would you be in? Huh? How much would your kids be running for their lives when you came walking up the door, up the path to the door? That's what your heart is doing every time it beats when you're that fucking heavy. Just that heavy.

And then forget about these ticking time bombs that are walking around 30 pounds overweight, but they're still lifting weights. Dude, I'm all right. You know, touch my gut, dude. It's fucking solid. Yeah, it's because your fat is calcified. It's so entrenched there. It has squatters right in front of your stomach,

you dumb fuck. I love fat people who sit, they're fucking fat, and then they tell you how fucking hard their stomach stomach is and they think it's like abs it isn't it's the fat is fucking jammed in there so tightly like back in the day when they used to pack people into subways they used that was literally a job your job was to fucking just lean in on the people and pack them in. You know what I mean? Oh, my God.

That was the worst time in society for claustrophobic people slash the greatest time ever for perverts. You know, it's just the entire spectrum, complete fear to absolute ecstasy, depending on who you are on that subway train, but anyways, that's what it is, so all you fatties out there who sit there and your fucking stomach is harder than your head, that's not abs, that's not you like, oh, well, you know, I'm so fat, every time I do a sit-up in bed, it's like I got a 45-pound, Well, you know, I'm so fat, every time I do a sit-up in bed, it's like I got a 45-pound, you know, weight. Remember that? You do that back in the 80s? You put, like, it wasn't enough to do sit-ups. You always had to add weight.

If you're doing dips, they had that shit that literally looked like it was hanging, like a fucking metal teabag hanging off of you. You'd put the chain around your waist, and then you'd hang weights off of that. Dude, he's fucking doing dips with, like like fucking 225 hanging off his balls, kid. Right? All that dumb shit. That's what fat people, I think. I know a lot of fat people right now. Like, why are you always coming down on us?

I'll tell you why. Because this kick of ginger day and I've never seen a fat person come to my rescue. You don't give a fuck about me. I don't give a fuck about you. That's how it works, all right with your swollen feet um this is so unnecessarily mean right now i don't even know how i got onto this but i have to see it through because i got an hour to do here, people. All right? The fuck? I was talking about pack. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think these fat people with the hard stomachs, they feel like when they just sit up in bed, you know, and they make that noise as they go to sit up, and they just go, oh! Right? They think that's like, that's why their stomach's so hard rather than it's just jam-packed with syrup and nougat and pancake batter and all that other fucking gooey shit, you know, that they

eat. I'll tell you right now, I think they should just get all those, just get all the fatties and just get them out of the fucking country you know you're bringing us down we've had it we had it with your kind they should stick all you fatties on a fucking island i want to run for political office at a very low level preaching like like what sounds like racism or nationalism but it kind of affects everybody. Like, there's fat people in every race. Except Asians. There's very few Asians. Every once in a while you see a fat Asian,

you just know he's hanging out with, like, Americans. You know what I mean? It's like, there's no way you got fat eating that fucking great diet that you guys have over there. I don't know what it is over there, but, like, people are in fucking shape in Asia. You know, I don't know about the Russians, all that vodka that they're sucking down. Um, how many more people can I offend in the first fucking 10 minutes of this podcast? Oh, 12 minutes in. Okay. That's okay. So I got a new 10 minutes to offend people. Um,

minutes to offend people um yeah i think they should just run for office and just just be like i get the fatties out of town i get those fucking people uh you know those people you say hello and they don't say hello back they just smile and it's a fake smile i know i've talked about this in my podcast there was somebody when i lived in new York used to do that. And I fell for it like the first 67 times. I'd be walking down the hall and this lady would be walking the other way with her fucking kids. And I'd be like, hey, good morning or hey, hello or good afternoon, whatever the fuck you say, right? Big fucking wave. Hey, fellow human being, being polite. How are you?

Right? And she would always do the same thing she'd tilt her head to the side like she was going oh and then she'd do this smile which she she wouldn't show any teeth just like the Jay Leno smile and then her eyes would would like squint up like she was looking into the sun big stupid red lipstick and every fucking time I was just like, oh, what if I just fucking punched her right in the face? Made her kids cry and I just laughed. I didn't laugh. I just walked away. You know, I'd still be affected.

There'd be a part of my soul that I lost when I did it. But I'll tell you in that moment, in that catch her right as she closes her eyes, you know, like a fucking old Samuelson move don't even drop the glove keep it on and just blast her right in the face and I wanted to do that every fucking time and then finally one day she walked towards me and I was walking towards her and uh she actually started to anticipate me saying hello. Because we're looking right at each other and I'm in my head. Just going, I'm not saying anything.

I'm not saying hello to this bitch who says hello to me. This is another thing that makes you die early. You know? Is fucking literally sitting in your apartment. Your little ass shoebox of apartment in New York. Plotting. Scheming. Conspiring. literally sitting in your apartment your little ass shoebox of apartment in new york plotting scheming conspiring how you gonna fucking not say hello to this bitch the next time you see her you know as you're eating a bacon egg and cheese and adding an extra couple of miles so you had

to beat every couple of times right so anyway she comes walking at me i'm walking her i'm like i'm not fucking saying hello this time. You know? And we got right to the point where it's like, who's going to blink? And I timed it perfectly. She anticipated me saying hello when she started to tilt her head. And I fucking did my impression of what she did. And I, of course, did it completely over the top.

Like, I literally laid my head on my shoulders, squinted my eyes. And I made this ridiculous face and continued to walk. And she never looked at me in the hall again. And this is the genius of it. She just, it's not like she knows what the fuck she looks like. I'm so self-involved. I assume she totally understood my point, what I was trying to make. You know, like, say hello, stop making that stupid face. face she probably looked at like what the fuck is with that guy he has some sort of mental tick

I don't want him around my children but you know what it made me feel better and you know what that's what this podcast is all about um hey people have you ever heard of tivo but where the hell you been well you got you got your head up your age tivo's the greatest especially you know we really appreciate it an old fella like myself you know why because back in the day back in i gotta explain this to you guys back in the day when you missed something you just missed it it was over or at least on if you if you didn't see it in the movie theater, that's it. You missed it. There was no Netflix. There was no something.com that you're watching on. I don't know. It was over. You missed it. Evil Knievel was going to jump over 20 buses, but for some reason, your parents wanted to take you to Pewter Pot to go get a muffin and you missed it. And the next day you were down at the bus stop and

everyone was talking about it and you were a man without a country. And you knew eventually it was going to come around to you. And they were like, did you see it? And you were like, no, well, you didn't see it. No, I didn't see it. I was getting muffins with my parents, and then just a rain of book bags would just be smashing you over the head, and that's what happened. But thankfully, that never happens to children anymore because of TiVo. Back in the day, TV was weirdly hard to watch. You only watched a show at a certain time, and if you missed it or even part of it,

you literally had to wait for it to go into reruns before you could see it again. TiVo has totally changed all of that. And while other DVIs exist, they're not as awesome as TiVo. You know why? Because if you have cable, cable TV lets you watch your shows wherever you want. With TiVo Stream, you can watch on your iPad all over your house and even transfer your favorite recordings and take them with you on an airplane, waiting line at the DMV dentist office. You can be sitting there watching all of the Sopranos. TiVo makes other DVRs look like they were designed by the Soviet community. I like this copy. Only TiVo reaches both cable and web to find any movie, any show, any video at the press of a button. All right. So there you go. From the couch to the kitchen, from the minivan to 35,000 feet, TiVo makes TV 100,000 times better.

So why don't you do yourself a huge favor and go get some. Go get yourself some TiVo. Have you heard about that TiVo? Oh, my God, I want to get some. All right, let's do one other here, then we'll get back to it. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. How many times have you walked into CVS and said, hey, I need the Triple Blade Plus. Can I get one of those? And they go, yeah, that'll be $68. And you're like, $68? They're like, yeah, that's why we keep it locked behind the case here, like it's some vintage guitar, rather than some piece of plastic with a poor excuse for metal to drag across your face. That's going to be useless in five days. You know, probably end up floating around the ocean poking out some porpoise's eye.

Why is that thing so much money? You know why? Because it's a scam. Well, finally, the cavalry is here when it comes to shaving. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Getting a good shave can be a real pain in the ass. Well, finally, the cavalry is here when it comes to shaving. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Getting a good shave can be a real pain in the ass. Searching through 50 brands, making new blades, matching new blades to old handles.

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what you pay at retail. If you want to support this show, go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr, or click on the Dollar Shave Club banner on the podcast page at BillBird.com. There you go. Look at me. Look at me. Saving you money. Saving you money. So it's been a hell of a week, everybody. It's always been a hell of a week.

You know, if you try to stay up on world events, there's always something crazy going on. Right? Over in Egypt, you know, where the Arab Spring began, as far as I can remember. You know, they elected a president. And within a year, they're like, you know what? We don't like this remember. You know, they elected a president, and within a year, they're like, you know what, we don't like this guy. Why don't we have a new election? And then the new guy's like, no, no, no, I'm in here.

I'm in here, I'm not leaving. And they go, oh yeah? We think you are. And he goes, oh, I don't think I am. I bet you are. I bet I don't. I bet I don't. Next thing you know, there's riots in the streets. You know? When isn't it a hell of a week?

Sorry, can you tell I'm searching for something? Where the fuck is it? I swear to God. I swear to God. This is the exact kind of thing that just slowly fucking drives me mad about these goddamn fucking computers. What did I do wrong this time, ghost of Steve Jobs? Now watch this. I'm going to try to do this move. Did it finally work? Did it finally work? Oh, here it is.

I got it. I got it. I got it. Sorry. What did I want to talk about? Oh, I know. Aaron Hernandez, everybody. You know what?

One of the fucking hilarious things about Aaron Hernandez's case is I'm fucking sitting here calling up my buddies. And people are so into sports in Boston. Like, the fact that somebody lost their life, that's like on page 19 of this story. I call my buddies back there there and they're all like, dude, now, now what are we going to do? You know, Gronk's always getting hurt. They traded fucking Welka, right? Who's Brady going to throw to? They don't, they're not even thinking like, you know, sports kind of takes a back seat to this unbelievably like bizarre, to this unbelievably, like, bizarre, depressing, sad, horrific fucking story.

You know, who gives a fuck if we can beat the Dolphins or not? You know? I don't know. There's a big pity party going on in Boston. Like, oh my God, this is like the worst week ever. Well, we had the greatest decade ever. All right? And I stand by that.

Anybody in any state in the United States, if you want to challenge the last 10 years of Boston sports, bring it on. Bring it on. I want to know one other fucking city that won all four of the major titles numerous times. Three Super Bowls, two World Series, a Stanley Cup, and an NBA championship within 10 fucking years.

Went to five Super Bowls, two Stanley Cup finals, two NBA finals. Fucking unbelievable. All right. And all you guys now who are gleeful and other in all your other sports towns, you think you're going to fucking bug me with your little cunty tweets? Know that I know this. You would cut off your one of your fucking sport watching balls to experience

half the fucking success that Boston had over the last 10 years. You would take this week of horror you would definitely trade it. Alright? You would do it. You'd trade in your fucking Mark Sanchez jersey. Dude, I swear to God

Jets fans would take this week just to fucking make it back to the Super Bowl. Do you know the last time the Jets were in the Super Bowl, we hadn't even pretended to be on the moon yet? Do you realize how long ago that was?

You know? Richard Nixon was still, it was a comeback story. He was like Travolta in Pulp Fiction. That's how fucking long ago it was. Dude, that's another thing they're going to do. What if he gets acquitted, right? And then he fucking signs with the Jets, you know? That was actually my thought, because I don't think as far as from what I've seen, unless his friends flip on him or unless they have some unbelievable piece of evidence that they have not introduced to the public yet what you basically have is a mountain of circumstantial evidence against a mountain of

money and as far as my little experience of watching the court case, the rich guy walks. If he was just Aaron Hernandez waiting for a bus, you know, pimp my ride, I'm driving a piece of shit. Hey, exhibit, can you put a fucking fish tank in the back of this thing, right? If he was something like that, over. Working in a warehouse, unloading trucks like old Billy Redface back in the day. Done, you're going to jail. Working in a warehouse, unloading trucks like old Billy Redface back in the day. Done. You're going to jail.

All right. But you got you got, you know. Fucking pro athlete money, you can walk. You know, some lady on ESPN wrote the dumbest article was saying that despite the fact of how quickly the Patriots acted, once they found out all these allegations against Aaron Hernandez and released him, like this black mark will always forever, forever, everybody, forever will stain the Patriots. Like if for some reason we don't steer the planet into the sun in the next 300 years, there's going to be people 300 years from now still talking about Aaron Hernandez, still thinking about it every time they see the Patriot logo, is that isn't the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. You know?

When you watch a Carolina Panthers game, when was the last time you thought about Ray Carruth? You don't. Nobody remembers. Nobody fucking remembers. This will be something. Dude, you know there was a guy in the Kansas City Chiefs that killed his whole family and then himself after football. I don't know what. Maybe he got hit in the head too many times. I don't know what happened.

I never heard of the story until Len Dawson brought it up. It goes away. Do you know a guy on the jets used to take his dick out at the Port Authority? He dyed his pubes green and he fucking shake his dick at people. You know? And they were so shocked looking at his green pubes.

It took the longest time before somebody finally looked at his face and then they arrested never, it took the longest time before somebody finally looked at his face and then they, uh, then they arrested him. And no one ever thinks about that when they watch a Jets game, do they? See, that's my point. You guys can look all this up. This all, I don't know if you find the last one, but the other ones you'll find. Oh, geez. Dude, what you think if they turn Pedroia into a flanker they could do a combination of him

and that Jesus freak they could somehow make up for Hernandez going to jail um alright I don't even know what I'm talking about right now to be honest with you hey this weekend speaking of Boston I'm gonna be I'm gonna be uh i'm

gonna be doing the cape cod melody tent why how come why did i did i just add a syllable to mel mel melody the cape cod melody tent in hyannis is it in hyannis somewhere down near the kennedy compound they sit there spending all their fucking booze money down there. Isn't that what they did? Their prohibition money. Their insider trading money. I have no idea what the fuck they did. All I know is they don't have a big yellow house. They go out and they play touch football that turns into tackle football.

Then it's this big family fight because they're like a bunch of pit bulls. Or if they fuck that gene out of their their family at this point it's just all watered down you know too many weak men and women brought into the fold you know you ever think about that shit like when people you know what's the worst thing ever is when somebody gives the son or daughter worst thing ever is when somebody gives the son or daughter of a father a mother that accomplished something great they always give the kids shit like it's the kid's fault like if you're the son of fucking michael jordan or the daughter of amelia erhard um people will always be like dude you're not you're not as good as your father, blah, blah, blah. And they blame you. It's like it's not my fault that I'm half cut with my mom. You know?

My dad can jump out of the gym. My mother trips over a mop handle every fucking three days. So I got 50% of that in me weighing me down. I can still dunk, but no, i can't take off from the file line that's not my fault it has nothing to do with my desire or my heart or anything like that it has to do with my mother and the same thing with like amelia air arts kid if she had a kid i don't know she probably didn't have a kid no guy could handle that back in the day when she was supposed to be in the fucking kitchen making sugar cookies. She's out there flying around doing better than the guys.

That's why he has a dick, see? I'm not fucking that. Her hair's too short. Right? No guy could handle that. I have no idea. Did she have a kid? Did she take him on the trip?

Maybe that's why she crashed. You know, the kid was acting up. She was reaching back, trying to slap him in the face like how you could as a parent back then. And she went into the ocean. Who knows? Who knows why these things happen, everybody? I don't pretend to know. And you know what?

More importantly, I don't want to know. But anyways, back to the Boston sports things. Boston fans, you're not all crying, but the ones who are bitching, I don't want to fucking hear it. All right? Quit your fucking crying. And everyone else in your other towns, enjoy this week as much as you can because we've been kicking all your fucking asses for 10 years,

and you know it's true. At least mostly true. You know? The only people who can give a shit is Giants fans. That's just when it comes to football. Right? But some of them are Yankee fans.

And I'll take those two Super Bowl losses for what we did to the Yankees in 2004. I'll take that all day long. Now there's one that will live forever. That, unlike the Hernandez thing, that will live forever. Because you know what's great about it? There's no that will live forever. That, unlike the Hernandez thing, that will live forever. Because you know what's great about it? There's no way to beat it.

There's no way to beat it. And even though teams, even the Bruins lost four in a row in hockey, right? But we didn't have the level of fucking Hall of Fame. It's fucking great. It'd be like if Babe Ruth, Louarrig and you had dimaggio and mickey mantel all on the same thing i know what you guys are saying that's not true and i say fuck you fuck you and your pinstripe heart it's true the way you guys were loaded up with free agents you couldn't do that back in the day back in the day you had to fucking earn it as opposed to now we

can go out and buy it los Los Angeles Lakers. You know? Anyways. I love how Dwight Howard leaves the Lakers. And they're sitting there questioning his heart and all that. And never, once again, never do they think, well, why would you want to leave? Why would you want to leave? Gee, what could it be? The fucking 800 pound gorilla. How many great centers have to leave town saying, I really didn't have a good fucking time playing with old what's his

face over there? How many hall of fame coaches have to write books where if you read through the subtext, that kind of go, Hey, that guy's kind of a cunt. It's kind of a cunt to be around. You know, who says that about somebody they won a championship with? You know, this is my impression of a Los Angeles Laker fan as a parent. Their kid comes home. If their kid was Aaron Hernandez and came home and actually admitted to murdering two people and then the third one, you know what the mother and father would do? They would stand up on the coffee table and they would start chanting mvp all right that might be admittedly that's a little harsh but i'm just saying i am uh less than impressed with the average knowledge of sports that a laker fan has it's just just fucking dumb. I'm just dumbfounded.

Dumbfounded that not, not even once did you ever boo Kobe Bryant when he walked off the court on your whole fucking team. I just did fuck. I'm trying to think of a major city that would put up with that. I don't know. Anyways, maybe it's the sun. Maybe it's the pot cookies. I don't know what. Anyways, all right, here we go. We got some fucking, we got some letters. All right, Billy Beanbag. There's a new one, Billy Bean. From the Oakland A's.

Billy Beanbag, I get it. Beanbag, a revolutionary chair. Dude, how bad was a bean bag for the environment once you threw that thing out it was made out of this this blend you know like when they blend like a scotch not a scotch yeah scotch is this guy i don't fucking know a whiskey it's a blend of wine where you pour like a cabernet into a merlot some real white trash shit this is like that that this is the chair version of that it was like a pillow it was a chair it was a fat person's stomach it was everything right it was food that astronauts ate out in space i think it was like filled with like i don't know like these little whatever the fuck you call those things what are those things that coffee

cups used to be made out of and you'd sit there and scratch them and let it go into the environment back in the 70s before you realized that birds were inhaling it and it was like agent orange or minor lung or something black lung is that what it was gee i don't know bill you're the one who started riffing on beanbags and realized that you didn't even know what material he was made of styrofoam they made of. Styrofoam! They were filled with styrofoam and then like the outside of it was like a blend of like plastic, vinyl, and, you know, some sort of treated waste. And then you had the upscale ones where they were actually made out of leather. I remember my dad, we got a bunch of beanbags,

and they were all plastic vinyl hunks of shit, but his was a leather one, and we used to think it was the shit. It's big fucking, and you'd grab it, right? This is how you set up a beanbag. You'd grab it by the top like how your mother used to pick you up by your hair before she hit you with a wooden spoon you know because you're watching cartoons um instead of doing your homework back when you could hit children in public or in your the safety of your own home when you had company you pick it up and you give it a shake right and then you would just push it right down the middle then you'd sit on the fucking thing.

And it was horrifically uncomfortable. And it took a good five years before people realized it. You know, when people just bought them because everybody else had them. Oh, it's so easy. You can move them around the room. Look how easy it is to vacuum under it. I can pick it up and vacuum. You can't do that with a chair.

I wonder where all of those ended up you know you know who gives a fuck right sitting here reminiscing about chairs from the early 70s all right billy beanbag have you heard of justin carter this 19 year old kid has been in jail since march for making a sarcastic remark. Here's an excerpt from a report. After a Facebook friend with whom he played video games described him as crazy and messed up in the head, Carter replied sarcastically, one imagines, Oh yeah, I'm really messed up in the head.

I'm going to shoot up a school full of kids and eat they're still beating hearts he added lol and jk just kidding for good measure for this he was arrested by austin police charged with making a terrorist threat and thrown into prison he may languish there until the start of the next decade get the fuck out of here crazy stuff bill this isn't russia is this russia i don't see dude this is that snowden shit this is like all of that we're just slowly becoming this fucking police state you know what it is two people you got to stop fucking putting shit down in print that's just keep it how we we used to say shit like that but we said it on the playground

you know oh yeah like i'm gonna go shoot the principal in the head that's what you do you don't fucking write it down on the god you know by the way was there any sort of backlash against facebook for basically ratting out all u.s. citizens, you know, turning us all into the man, man, you know. He is still using Facebook. I barely used it anyways, you know. I still go there and I check fucking emails, but in the back of my head, I'm like, why am I using this guy's cunty fucking, what do you call it social media thing here you know

when he turned the fucking record how much money did he make to turn and rat everybody out you know and I swear to God if you're one of those fucking people who's dumb enough to be like well if you ain't a terrorist

you got nothing to worry about yeah I have no sympathy for you when i see you in the fema camp with me you know and that's what i'm gonna do that's the only way that's gonna keep the joy in my heart is when i'm in the upper bunk and you're in the lower bunk across the way i'm just gonna for the rest of my minutes on earth i'm just gonna keep looking at you going well well, you know, you're not a terrorist. What are you going to worry about? Over and fucking over. Until basically I'm beaten to death

by the other people in there who don't want to hear it anymore. That creeped me out. I don't know why this kid's in jail. He's still in jail. I don't know anything about it. in jail. He's still in jail. I don't know anything about it. I have to know, you know. Does he have a weird haircut and a trench coat that freaked him out?

I mean, it is Texas. Texas has always kind of been their own deal. You know what I mean? I mean, they kill people in Texas the way they rescue dogs here in L.A. So, I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, as far as like population control, it's phenomenal. But as far as their swift, I don't know. I just can't imagine getting put to death for something you didn't do and you're walking down there.

Like, how does that work in the afterlife when you go to get judged are you allowed to yell at god at that point like when he starts you know reviewing your life you just stand there like dude don't even fucking start with me all right just open the goddamn gates already okay you know how this story ends you know everything right oh right? Ooh, I know everything. Yeah, you know everything except how to get me out of that. How come you didn't help me? How come you fucking helped a bunch of people and then you just stopped talking to people? You know, hey, hey, let me finish. Where was my burning bush? Where was that? Well, all right then. Where was that? Well, all right then. Hey, here's some inspirational shit here. Somebody wrote some inspiration for the Monday morning podcast. It says, Bill, it's like that thing I read on the internet once said,

plant three rows of peas, peas of mind, peas of heart, peas of soul. I really hope nobody's eating as I read the rest of this. Plant three rows of squash. Squash indifference. Squash selfishness. Squash hate. Oh, Jesus, there's another one. Plant three rows of lettuce. Lettuce be kind.

Let us love one another. Let us grow our own food. Why? All of that is great. And if everybody applied that, the world would be such a wonderful place. Why does that make you fucking grind your teeth to listen to, though? And if everybody applied that, the world would be such a wonderful place. Why does that make you fucking grind your teeth to listen to, though? You know, that's a great question.

At least I consider it a great question. I'm in my own head here, man. It sounded awesome to me. Seemed like a good thought, and then I said it, and I was like, wow. How did I come up with that one? You guys might disagree, but why is that? Who doesn't want peace of mind peace of heart but you know why because it's a fucking pun peas of mine you know squash indifference a lot of people don't know what indifference means and I think I'm one of them indifference means you have like when somebody goes do you want this you want that hey i'm indifferent

i think it doesn't differ mean you you don't you don't love it or hate it you have absolutely no opinion on it whatsoever um at which like i don't know how to be like that i don't think anybody's indifferent that's like like that's like a higher level of fucking thought in my world. You know? Hey, what do you think about these drapes? Like, I immediately like, you know, they're all right. I like them. They're hideous. I never just look at something like, what do you think about this? I have no thought whatsoever. I don't know what that is. What do you think about this band? Yeah, they're all right. That's the closest I get to indifferent. You know, Bill, why don't you look up the fucking word first before you make, ah, this takes time. Fucking reading, you know, get a life.

Speaking of rescuing dogs, I was out with the lovely nia the uh yesterday and we were driving around looking at houses it's like something we like doing um but it sucks because then you always they're always better than your house because you never go out and look at houses that are the same as yours you're like hey let's go out look at shit we can't afford right you go in the house you're like, hey, let's go out and look at shit we can't afford, right? You go in the house, you're like, oh my God, this is awesome. And just with every house, you're just kind of going, ah, I live in a fucking tree fort, but it's still fun to do, you know? And I feel like I'm actually helping the owner of the house because by going in there and I'm walking around, you know, anybody else who's in there, they're thinking like, oh, shit, this guy might make an offer.

I got to jump on this. You know, that's how I justify me just going in there and looking in people's closets. So anyways, that's what we were doing yesterday. And so what did we do? We went so we went to the grocery store. Oh, yeah, to get some shit for dinner. And next door there was this place where they had, you know, rescue some dogs. So she's just like, oh, let's go over and look at the dogs.

I don't want to go over there. I don't want to go over there and look up some chewed up fucking animal that's going to make me feel fucking horrible. And I'll be laying in bed thinking about the dog. Like in No Country for Old Man, when the dude's sitting there laying there and he thinks about that guy that was asking for water. Whatever he says, like, ah, fuck it, right? You got to go back there. The next thing you know, you got some psycho chasing you.

I don't know. That's not going to happen. But I'm just saying, I'm going to be thinking. I love dogs too much that I can't go down and look at them because now I'm going to be just fucking thinking about them. So she's like, why? find fine just stop doing that right so we go over there and we walk in and there's this fucking pit bull that's like two weight classes up from our dog big classic fucking beautiful pity head and i can't even tell you what color this thing was it was like um it wasn't carmel it was like this almost sandy kind of color with no white or anything, just no patches, just that color.

The fucking dog was beautiful. And it had to weigh every bit of 80 pounds, all muscle, and it was an absolute sweetheart. Like you came in and the thing is just fucking doing that thing where it's wagging its tail so hard. It looks like it's shaking its ass and it's walking sideways as you come up to it. And it just buries that big head like right in your lap. And then at one point I'm petting the thing and it just fucking just leans into me. Like I was squat down like a catcher petting it. And it wanted to be pet more so it just sort of relaxed its body and leaned into me and literally like knocked me over and i fell down and then it went over and started like licking my

face it was the greatest fun i'm sitting this this all basically happened in about 11 seconds and then all of a sudden this lady comes walking over and the most annoying i'm talking to a dog voice ever just comes walking in. That's fucking doing that. And it was like my eyes started watering and I just fucking stood up and walked. Nia said something like, OK, and then that happened. She said something loud enough that the girl heard, but she couldn't hear anything. And

whatever the dog's name was, like Franklin, she was like, oh, Franklin, you little Frankie Frank Franklin. Doing that shit and just stood up and just fucking walked away. So now I'm over the other side of the pet store buying shit bags as

Michael Rappaport called them back in the day shit bags um i fucking i'm buying those and within two seconds this woman left with that dog like walked in saw it and just left with this 80 pound fucking dog. And, uh, I had this such mixed emotions. Like I was excited that the dog got rescued and I was bummed that that was the person that rescued it. You know? And I don't know why she loved dogs the same way i did she did a great thing like why should i be bummed she just fucking you know what it was was i wanted to keep playing with the dog you came in with your fucking jerry lewis voice from hell did i just say from hell yes i did it's the 80s comedy week um all right what are we are we 47 minutes in geez louise all right let's continue on here

oh i started to mention that i went on this bike ride by the way and uh for those of you who live out here in la or you're coming to visit um you can actually ride a bicycle all the way up to the Hollywood sign. And it is one of the hardest bike rides I've ever fucking been on. You keep seeing the sign and every time you go around a corner and you just think this has to be the last fucking corner before I'm up here. You know, and it just isn't. And then it isn't and it isn't. and he just keep fucking going and going and going it was like the ascent to use a word that's beyond my vocabulary you already had to go all the way up the canyon just get to the to the beginning of like okay now we're going to get to the summit here right to use mountain climbing shit just that ascent you already fucking rode like a half hour just

to get up there and then this ascent is i swear to god maybe 20 25 straight minutes of i don't know what it is 45 degree angle it's fucking brutal and then at some points especially right at the end when it gets even like 60 degrees it's fucking ridiculous and uh i was beyond gasping for wheezing i wrote and i stopped right you know where they have the radio antennas you're actually above the sign got off the bike and grabbed the chain link fence and was going for fucking like five, I thought I was going to pass out. Um, but you know what? I probably knocked off some miles on the capillaries there. Um, so anyways, well, you know, it's great as you're going up there's all these guys dressed like lance armstrong coming down and they all give you words of encouragement because they just did

it you know and i'm going up there on a mountain bike made for a lady it's the one i got for nia that she never fucking rode and uh i love riding women's bicycles you know like women's bicycles that designed the way guys bicycles should be i always thought they had that reverse well basically they shouldn't bang their clit on something metal although knowing those psychos they'd probably fucking enjoy it you know um harder the way the woman's bicycle is fucking like they're so concerned about their dresses and you looking up and seeing their clam that once again seeing their clam is is you know hiding their clam is more important than somebody else's smashed testes um i go up there it's not like the old school schwinn one where it went all the way down to like your ankles, but it's angled to the point where I can get my feet down and, uh, old Ricky,

Ricky Bobby are going to be okay. You know? So I don't have a problem with it. I have sort of a, uh, an androgynous bike that I ride, you know, it's a mountain bike, but it's not a guy's bike and it's not a woman's bike. It's kind of, you know, it's a little questionable. I have the don't ask, don't tell huffy that I ride. And I'm not going to apologize for it, you know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All right, got my ass kicked. Bill, I'll keep this short and sweet because I know how bad you are at reading things.

You know, I can't even argue that. He goes, I live in a small city, roughly 90,000 people. What do you live in China? Is that a little village to you? 90,000 fucking people. That's gigantic. The nightlife district of the city has more or less 10 different bars or clubs. By the way, before people are dicks to me

on the internet, I mean, that's gigantic if you say that you live in a small town. Well, I guess a small, he said city. All right, you're right. I'm an asshole. Okay, here we go. The nightlife district of the city has more or less 10 different bars or clubs. Well, how big are they? If there's 90,000 people in there, you got to think at least half of them drink. 10 bars or clubs. You got 4,500 people in each one.

That doesn't make any sense. Last weekend, I left all my friends at one bar to go meet up with a girl at another. While there, I was heavily intoxicated and grabbed the lady's ass i was meeting apparently two drunk guys didn't take too kindly to this and decided to attack me and gave me a good beating somehow i think you left some some details did you grab the ass of the woman you were talking to um were that her two older brothers and you were too hammered to realize it?

Anyways, he goes, it's hard to show my face back in this club again after I got beat up. Should I just man up and go in again next weekend like I own the joint? And if I see the two guys, should I get my group to give them a good ass kicking along with me? Jesus Christ, dude. All right. First of all, you got you didn't it's like you lost to one guy. You lost to two people, you know. So I don't think that's a I think the embarrassing thing is that you grabbed a woman's ass. I need to know more details about that. So let's just say that these two guys were jealous because they wanted to fuck her and you came in.

Something was going on. Somehow they were connected to that woman. All right. Well, here's the first lesson. All right. If you're going into a bar to meet some lady, some strange lady that you don't have a relationship with, you know, that's to use my analogy last week that's an away game okay would you go into the bleachers wearing the other team's fucking jersey

by yourself you need you need next time you go in there you need to bring some friends um i think you're just going in there and you're asking for trouble and uh one way or the other that you go back in there with some friends you're gonna end up in And one way or the other, you go back in there with some friends. You're going to end up in either jail or the hospital. One or the other. That's it. Either way, you're going to end up in court. Either suing because you don't have a fucking, you know, you got a droopy eye now.

Or it's just, you don't want to do that. You don't. All right? You went in there. You were drunk. You know what, dude? This is really on you. This is on you.

You were careless with yourself. I'm going to blame you the way they used to blame rape victims back in the day. All right? You weren't dressed like a whore, but you were doing the dressing like a whore version for being a guy. You walked in there all sloppy. You walked into somebody else's bar. You grabbed one of their women. You started squeezing her ass like you were testing out some shabby, right? And then you got beat down. This should be a life lesson for you, all right?

If you're going to do some Donnie Brosco bar shit, you got to have a crew with you, girl bar shit you gotta you gotta have you gotta have a crew with you and you have to be sober and uh don't grab her ass until you talk her into fucking till you're back in her apartment that's when you do the ass grabbing do not go into do not go into a bar especially you know within a it's a division rivalry. You know what I mean? Like as a Patriots fan, you would never go down on the Meadowlands and start grabbing some Jets chick's ass. That's it. You're going to get a hibachi over your fucking head and vice versa. Vice versa there.

So there you go. There's your advice. Revenge, that's not, you don't want to do, you don't want to do that. That's, it's just going to escalate. And then what do you think is going to happen? You're going to go down there and kick their ass and it'll be like, all right, I guess it's even. Then they, then they go out and get a bigger crew and they got to top your ass kicking. By then, you know, it's like Anchorman. You're in that alley fight, right? And then Brick kills somebody.

All right, next one. So, yeah, sorry, I wouldn't go back to that. All right, just take the ass kicking. It's a funny fucking story. Just tell it in a colorful way and leave it at that. Eh, I was a fucking idiot. I walked into somebody else's bar, hammered by myself. I start grabbing this girl's ass.

And next thing you know, I'm admiring the woodworking of the floor. Like, wow, look at this. Is this a brass rail that you, you know, footstep? How do they keep it so shiny? You know, as you're laying there on your side, watching them kicking you in the kidney, you're looking in the reflection of that brass rail. All right, Bill, we got it. You're on the floor. Popcorn in your hair.

There's a million ways to tell that story, sir. Don't go back down there. You don't want to do that. All right. Hey, Billy Bin Laden. There's another one. Another good one. Imagine if you started using a puppet to mix things up. Oh, for my act. All right. You know, the same way Dylan went electric. You could lose a few fans, but you'd own the Midwest and Central Florida. Dude, you realize how fucking funny this is? Is this written by another comedian to have that sort of insight? You know how fucking true that is? Is this written by another comedian to have that sort of insight? Do you know how fucking true that is?

If I kept doing jokes but I introduced a puppet, I already know what I would do. I thought about it a long time ago if I ever used a puppet. What I would do is forever the puppet is always smarter than the puppeteer. I would just stand there berating the puppet. And I keep telling it to shut the fuck up. All right. You don't say anything. You don't even fucking think unless I come up with the thoughts. How fucking dare you start giving me shit with your little feet.

Go fuck yourself. That's how I would do it. As opposed to having the puppet giving me shit. And then I'm rolling my eyes, you know, like the husband on a sitcom. Like, well, my wife is smarter than me. I'm just the dumb fat guy. Right. Anyways, he goes, here's the thing. You'd probably be hilarious despite the ridiculousness of it all. You'd lose your mind to being up there every night, having a conversation with yourself, constantly feeding an unhealthy mental state. Well, that's kind of what I do on the podcast here, sir. He goes, I guess I should ask a question. So what would

your puppet look like? Would he wear overalls or a suit? Would he be an animal or would he even be a he? It was a female puppet. You could give it noogies every time she was acting up yeah see yeah see the direction you're going that's the only way to go now with the puppet tearing or whatever you call being a ventriloquist act it's just it's just so gone in that direction where the fucking puppet's smarter than you you know you know it's funny someone's gonna steal this idea it'll be absolutely you know, you know, it's funny. Someone's going to steal this idea. It'll be absolutely brilliant. Taking an old genre, turning it on its head. You know, it's funny. Somebody's probably already done it. As I just in a roundabout way, just said, I had a brilliant idea. Do you like that? Are you still sitting here? Are you nauseous at this point? Um, no, that's what I would do.

And then what I would do is I would team up with the dummy and I would start trashing people in the audience you know although you know something uh I don't know I don't

you're talking about puppets here I don't know where to go with that um where do we go from here oh I gotta read a little more advertising here everybody I don't know where to go with that. Where do we go from here? Let's, let's, oh, I got to read, I got to read a little more advertising here, everybody. We got to keep the lights on here. Ah, where the fuck is it?

Is all the capitals in fucking Europe? Okay, we got that one. You know, you'd think I would be smart enough one of these fucking weeks to just have the only things open, the things that I need. But I don't. I have everything up here. I'm looking at eBay and some old Ludwig bass drum. All right, here we go. Here we go.

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Hey, Bill, I need some standing up for myself. I need some help standing up for myself i need some help standing up for myself i live with my mom as a kid and she used to tell me how bad of a father my dad was and i would say i never wanted to be like my dad as i got older i became every everyone's bitch all they would have to say was you're just like your father and i would do whatever they told me to do. It wasn't just my mom and my sister. A lot of my friends pushed me aside, too. I've since moved out. I'm 23 now, but people still walk all over me, and I'm overly nice to everyone.

How do I stop being everyone's doormat? Ah, Jesus, dude. You're describing me when I was 23. Everybody liked me. I was nice. If I met you for fucking two minutes and you asked me to help you move and to use my truck i'd let you you know and then when you went to pay me i'd be like no no no no i'm okay uh you got to start you just got to start doing it um and this is the thing it's a learning

curve all right where it's like you can't just be like, I'm going to start sticking up for myself. And then the next time you're in a moment where you're supposed to stick up for yourself and you don't, you can't consider that a failure because you'll at least be conscious. You're going to be, you got to go through that torturous period where you're now watching yourself getting walked all over. And you're going, well, here's that situation again.

And here I am not sticking up for myself, which will cause you in the short run to be even more down on yourself. Because before when it was happening, you were so busy trying to get the other person to like you. You weren't focusing on what a bitch you were being. Now you're actually going to watch it. All right. But know that that's part of the road to success. Anytime you're trying to break a bad habit, you know, you're trying to quit drinking or you're trying to stop eating late night and here you are eating again. You're beating yourself up as you're fucking doing it. That's the first

steps, because before you didn't, you'd just be shotgunning beers, right? Eating ice cream and not even questioning it. So with this shit, what can really help you out is if you write it down. Write down, like, listen, I'm tired of people telling me that I'm just like my dad. You know, and you know, you could start with that. Don't tolerate that anymore. Just say to your mother, I want you to stop saying that to me. Because all you've done is tell me how bad of a father my dad is. And so whenever you tell me that, that's like you're saying that I'm a piece of shit. All right?

I'm 23 now. It's time for me to become my own man. Like, when you tell me that, it hurts me as a person. It hurts my development. All right? Now, how can your mother say no to that, it hurts me as a person. It hurts my development. All right? Now, how can your mother say no to that, you know? Easily. She could be a fucking pain in the ass, but I don't know.

But just start writing down. Like, you know, I don't know. It's like doing like starting out comedy. You don't fucking go up on stage, try to do an hour and kill. You just try to hang in there for five minutes. So just take baby steps. And my biggest thing, the reason why I avoided confrontation is because the only way...

Confrontation when I grew up was screaming, fuck you, and getting into a fist fight. So, you know, when I would be down at whatever, bringing my truck in to get it fixed, and know, when I would be down at whatever, bringing my truck in to get it fixed, and I felt like I was getting fucked over, I would be in my head literally going like, oh, I don't want to fight this guy.

You know, even if I win, I'm going to have grease all over my face. If he gets a couple of shots in, you know, he's probably going to grab a wrench. Like, I'm literally thinking that when all i'm doing is getting a tune-up and i feel like you know or you know i remember the time the guy put a new new engine in my truck my i remember uh it just died the thing died and i i wanted to make it as a comic and the last thing i needed was a car payment so it's like i would either go out back then you could get a piece of shit for 11 grand. I'd either have be 11 grand in debt or like, you know, get a new engine put in was like, you know, 12, 1500 bucks. So I was like, yeah, why don't we

knock a zero off of that? So that's what I did. And I paid the guy and the fucking cunt charged me for the antifreeze that he put in the engine. He just was charging me for everything. I learned a lot. Never, never, uh, Never trust a mechanic that has a manicure. And that's not a joke. He had cologne. His fucking nails were like pimp level shiny. So, but I didn't say anything to him because I'm like, oh, this guy's like, you know, he's like 60.

I'm not going to punch a 60-year-old guy. And I would be thinking this shit, but I wasn't even conscious because it had just been in my head since I could remember. So it's playing on a loop. And a lot of shit, if you finally say it out loud or you write it down, you realize how wrong it is or how absurd it is, and it can kind of kickstart you to start start going down the right road so that that's what i would do and you have to be very forgiving of yourself like you know what's funny is you're

a total pushover probably until it comes to looking at yourself then you're probably like a fucking drill sergeant and you're always beating yourself up so i would say you know try to find the humor in in breaking a bad habit or trying to change yourself and uh you know you work at it every day you know it's like playing an instrument you know if you play once every three months you're never going to get better but if you fucking play an hour every day all of a sudden right you start shredding and here come the girls and they're jumping on your dick right you start sticking up for yourself. You start. The women. They're attracted to that.

I'm not talking about being a dick. But women are attracted to fucking. Like guys. They don't want to marry some pussy. Right? All of them want you to go out there. And fucking grab it by the throat. And drag it home.

Throw it in the pot. So they can fucking cook it up metaphorically speaking last thing i ever want to do is suggest that a woman would want to go into a kitchen and actually be fucking nice for once and make that guy a goddamn sandwich um sorry uh you know what i'm saying all right i hope that helped you out um did i get everything i get to everything here oh cop that shot dog bill what's your take on the hawthorne police officer firing off one into a dog fucking bullshit right well i mean obviously i'm not pro shooting dogs but i wasn't there i don't know what happened look if you're a cop and you're walking in there and some giant dog comes at you with his teeth showing and is gonna fucking maul your face

off you know I mean what are you supposed to do but if that shit that I mean I've seen YouTube videos where like the dog isn't doing it's just barking like because you're in the house but it's not charging it's not doing anything and they have

it's standard procedure eliminate the threat and they just fucking shoot the dog that's brutal there's a brutal one on youtube where they went into the wrong fucking house and they got the guy on the floor and then they shoot his dog and they realize they're in the wrong house and they killed both his dogs it's brutal it's brutal but um in defense of the cops those are the ones that people put up on youtube you know i imagine that they could then show you a thousand of cops going in getting attacked by once great dogs that their piece of shit scumbag owner turned into a maniac so maybe there's some sort of sweeping thing that if the dog weighs more than fucking, if you feel threatened by the dog.

I'm just playing devil's advocate here. You're a cop. You're going in to arrest somebody. You're trying to deal with, is this person going to pull a weapon out and blow my fucking brains out? I'm never going to see my kid again. And meanwhile, you got this dog you know what i mean it's like you can only look at one thing at one time

so in your life is in fucking danger i think a lot of people including animal lovers uh we're thrusted it's very i think it's very easy to not be a cop and just sit there and be a dude you know what i would have done the same way you do like you know when you trash the quarterback of your team you know what i would have done? The same way you do when you trash the quarterback of your team. You know what I would have done with my non-athletic ass? This is what I would have done. I would have leapt over the fucking defensive line and then called an option or whatever the fuck you would have done. So, yeah, I mean, just hearing that story, absolutely devastating.

Because I know if the cops ever came in my house, my dog would be flipping out and trying to attack them and I would be like let me just put her in the other room but if they whatever were coming in there and I was considered a threat they have to take me down and then my dog would come at them and then they would fucking shoot my dog um and it would suck. So I'm obviously I wish there was some way that they wouldn't have to do that. But as much as people want 100 percent blame cops there, the real culprit that set that whole thing off are fucking assholes who turn their dogs into maniacs. And maybe even someone like myself who doesn't. I mean mean i don't know how to have my dog under control so i just put her in the back room because i don't know because some fucking asshole fucked her up you know ah jesus christ i got work to do um so there you go that

is the uh oh you know i didn't even get to that fucking you see that reporter that died let me get to where the hell is that story here this writer for rolling stone which i have a subscription to one of the magazines few magazines that i actually read every episode every installment um michael hastings uh he had a horrible death he fucking was going down I believe it was Highland just south of Melrose his Mercedes was traveling at ridiculous speeds he hit a fucking tree and the whole thing exploded bursted into flame and they had to identify him by his dental records and uh allegedly this guy knew I guess he wrote some fucking article in rolling stone where he was over in afghanistan talking to some higher-ups in the military and they were saying

some shit that they thought was off the record and he put it all in the article and there's people conspiracy theorists trying to say that his car was cyber attacked. Now, I'm not even going to get into that, but, dude, how fucked up is the world getting if, like, that's actually something that somebody could do? I'm not saying whether it was done by this guy or not. I have no fucking idea. He might have been hammered. I have no idea.

I have no fucking clue. I don't know anything about it, but I'm just saying that the fact that somebody could hack into your computer and cause your car to speed up and there's nothing you can't shut the car off this is why I don't know that I don't believe that it's just like as evil as that is we got to eliminate this guy isn't there a zillion other ways to kill him without doing that like what if he slammed into like a fucking minivan with the you know a married couple and their three four kids

you know there's got to be you know can't they just spray some mist on him you know just walk up to him in a mall like, hi, sir, would you like to try this fragrance? You just spray it on them. And then the guy like, you know, 10 minutes later, he's trying on some slacks. He just keels over. You can't just do it that way. But anyways, is this true? Can they actually do that shit?

And this makes me feel glad that, you know, half half my time out here i drive around in a classic car you know because not like i'm any sort of a threat but what i'm saying is if that if i just would think if you had the ability to do that some fucking nerds would just do it just to do it because it would be funny just speed you up for a second then slow you down just to freak you out you know like do you remember back in the day when this is like pre-internet fun what you would do is you take your garage door opener right and you would drive around the neighborhood and you'd point it at every garage until you found somebody that had the same one as you and back in the day they just had a, like, it wasn't sophisticated. So not only, yours opened, not only yours, it opened the other ones too.

So you'd eventually find somebody that had the same garage door brand as you and you could open and close their garage. So at least you could in my fucking neighborhood so you just find you just drive one person nuts you just drive by and you just fucking every once in a while would just open it and i don't know why we would do it we were assholes but so using that if you could fucking do that um with cars wouldn't wouldn't like these people like you know hack in to steal like credit card numbers and shit i mean wouldn't there be somebody just doing that just to do it like you're bored it was just the was this the dumbest part of the podcast everybody did i stick the landing

starting off with ignorance and then uh well, why wouldn't they? Well, fuck. You know what? The reality, if I ever book a commercial, I'm going to be, you know, that commercial where the adult sits there with all the kids and they go, you know, what would you do if you had a zillion dollars? And the kid's like, I'm made out of candy. Yeah, we could have hot fudge, waterfalls and shit.

I would be sitting there right with them. Except it wouldn't be like the basketball one where they were like making fun of the fact. Like I would be like, you know what I'm saying. I'm saying I'm a moron, everybody. All right, well, that's the podcast for this week. I hope it made you feel better about yourself, at least your intellect.

I am going to be, as I mentioned, I'm going to be at the Cape Cod Melody Tent on Friday, Saturday. I'm at the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino. And then Sunday I'm in down Newport, Rhode Island at the Newport Yachting Center. All right. Two tents and an attic. That's what I'm playing this weekend. I can't fucking wait. Um, I always play Hampton and Newport. I've never played the Cape cod melody tent and this is where uh the one and only time i ever saw george carlin so this is a very special uh

gig for me and there's still a few tickets left i'd love for you to come down there and uh share that experience with me and blah blah blah, blah, blah, blah. All right. Okay. So there's the outro, everybody. All right. Now that the show's over, don't forget to support all the sponsors. A quick recap. Join the thousand entrepreneurs who use E-Voice as their personal receptionist. Hulu Plus, you want to start watching your favorite hit TV shows right now. All of that shit's on the podcast page. And finally, Dollar Shave Club. There's no reason to pay all that money, everybody.

They're going to send you blades every month. You use one a week. Nice, fresh shave. The side of your face smooth as a baby's ass. All right? That's it, everybody. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves, as always.

Thank you for all the emails. And thanks to everybody who's been coming out to my shows. And thanks to everybody who went out and saw The Heat again this weekend. I believe it came in third place. And it's made a bunch of fucking money. And seriously, thank you for going out there. And thank you for all the kind words everybody has uh said um to me about the stuff that i did in the movie it meant a lot to me all right that's it go fuck yourself we'll talk

to you next week Thank you.