Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-15

Episode Date: July 10, 2015

Bill rambles about the c-note at the strip mall, losing a finger and not boozing.

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And I'm just checking in on you here on a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. What's going on? How are you? Don't I sound chipper today? You know why? Because I go to the gym every day.

It's just become a pop me life. And if you don't want to be a fatty, well, you go to that gym every day. You can't, we really mean it. Um, actually I just been eating right. And, uh, oh, Billy Boo's face. Yo, red-headed booze bag. I haven't drank in four days and I feel great.

You know why? Because it's the morning. When you don't drink, you feel great in the morning. When you don't drink, you feel horrific at night. You can hear the fucking clock ticking. And you're just trying to fall asleep. I almost picked up a book last night. Anything to get me to fall asleep.

And I'll tell you, nothing. Nothing makes me fall asleep like reading a book. I don't know how these fucking nerds do it. They can just sit there all goddamn day reading a book. These fucking idiots, they'll jump on a goddamn, uh, yeah, unicycle. And they're still reading the book. Not unicycle, uh, an elliptical.

There you go. One of those, one of those things where your legs are moving, but you're not, well, technically you are, but you're not going anywhere. It's a metaphor. Um, life is like an elliptical machine. It goes round and round, but do you ever get anywhere? You know, next thing you know,

there's some fucking nerd with glasses blowing you. And you're like, you know what? I like this life of being a poet. All I need is an itchy sweater and let this beard grow out. And I think I got something going on here. Um, yeah, so I haven't drank in like four days. I am, I'm on the wagon. All right.

I got the Montreal Comedy Festival coming up. That's going to be a tough one. I'm not going to lie to you. That is going to be a tough one. Being up there with all my buddies, telling a little knock, knock who's there over there and not drinking afterwards, but I can get through it. You know, um, I had one cigar this week only

because I had one leftover from, um, from my July 4th cookout that I had. And it was so, they were so fucking amazing. I had to, uh, I had to smoke it. I couldn't fucking throw it out. It's like, I don't even know how to say the name of this fucking thing. Let's see.

It looks like a Hupman or H. Uppman. I can't tell if it is. It looks like there's a little dot there. My eyes are going here. This fucking cigar was one of those cigars. As I was lighting it, I was lighting the thing and did the first couple of, you know,

to get it going. And I went, oh my God. I was by myself sitting on my front porch. And I said out loud, oh my God to nobody. It already tasted like the middle of the cigar on a great cigar. And that was me just lighting it. And, um, I sat out there, no booze.

I actually liked something sweet, you know, with my cigar. I'm not one of those guys that wants to have a smoky whiskey with it. It's like redundant. You already got smoke in your mouth and you got that. Sometimes I don't mind it.

But I like something sweet with my cigar, which is why I usually hang out with Joda Rosa when I smoke. Hey, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. There you go. That right there.

That was a singer on my old buddy Joda Rosa. Joe's got a little sugar in his tank. He can't help it. Um, anyways, um, so anyways, uh, I've been working out and I already knocked off a couple of pounds. First day I had to weigh in, you know, the big before picture. I went up there like a fucking hairless seal

and albino seal. Just, I didn't even, I couldn't even move my legs at that point. Just, I just fucking went up on a scale, you know. And, uh, 186.6, which wasn't bad because I was pushing 190 and, uh, I got on the scale this morning. I was a buck 84.6.

I dropped a couple of pounds. First week's always easy because your body is so used to you just being such a cunt, you know, drinking whiskey while ordering cake. And all of a sudden, if you just have one bowl of oatmeal, it's such a shock to your system that you'll actually drop a couple pounds. Unfortunately, after a week, they're like,

body's just like, oh, so this is the new gang. This is the new gang because you're thinking like, well, shit, I'm going to drop two pounds every four days. I'll be, I'll be in shape by August 1st. And then what happens? Another six days goes by and you lost like half a pound. You know, and that's when you got a man up and not become depressed

and bury your face in a bag of Cheetos. So anyway, so I'm just bringing all of this shit up to you guys. So you guys will be checking in on me the way I check in on you, you know, because if I get off it, you know I'm going to get off it because I won't talk about it anymore. And then you'd be like, hey, you have fat face. What's the matter?

What's the matter? Is that scale going in the wrong direction there? I actually did a spot at the comedy store the other night. I had a great time and I came home. I hadn't looked at my Twitter account in a couple of days. And I went on there and somebody said that they were there and they could tell I was drinking. They said I was a fat fuck.

I can lie to you. It really hurt. And I said it to me and she goes, oh, that's mean. Why would they do that? You know what? They're doing me a favor. They're doing me a favor. Came from a place of love and even it came from a place of hate.

It probably just has to do with the fact that they don't like their dad. Some shit or they got beaten in gym class. I don't know what it is. Or maybe I said something that they don't like. So anyway, speaking of stand up, that was fucking brutal. What happened to Amy Schumer watching them go after her? About a joke two years ago.

She told a joke two fucking years ago. How do you tell a joke and it takes somebody two years to get fucking offended by it? You know what I mean? I don't fucking understand that. Two fucking years. Why all of a sudden is it, oh, that's right. That's right. She has a giant movie coming out.

This is a critical part of her career going from a comedian TV star to now movie star. Like that movie is going to, you can see some movies you just know. Like I don't want to jinx it, but that movie looks like it's going to be a smash, right? So these fucking cunts, they know that that, there you go. There you go. You got something to lose and then they go in and they bully you. That's just the fucking worst, you know? That's just the fucking worst.

And then you got to apologize for something you fucking said to. And then, yeah, there's this dead jerk off in the Washington Post is like, and I know it's a joke, but like that doesn't, it doesn't matter. It's like, yeah, it does. It completely fucking matters. It totally fucking matters. Like there's no difference between actually meaning it and joking around. Like what world do you fucking live in?

I'm just beside myself with that thought process and this, this, this fictional power that they think comedians have like as if somebody walks in to a comedy show, not racist. And then they sit down and then they hear a joke and then they're like, oh, wait a minute. Now I'm racist. You know, or vice versa. They walk in racist and then you say something and then you have the ability to change their fucking minds to not be racist. If comedians really had that power, what we did would be fucking illegal

because the government wouldn't stand for it. They wouldn't have, you couldn't fucking have that kind of power. Can you imagine if you just walked on stage and just said shit and then people just went out and did it and they completely changed for the rest of their life. That's it. Hey, you guys got to start eating right. Do some sit ups and get yourself a six pack and everybody in the crowd just okay and gets up and does it. It's ridiculous.

People are going out to a comedy club to just blow off some steam. Have a good time. Have a couple of drinks and laugh. All right. And if you don't like a joke, you don't like a joke, but the comic doesn't owe you a fucking apology. You know what I mean? You just didn't like that joke and it is a joke despite how you took it. So go fuck yourself and comedians.

Stop apologizing. Please for the love of fucking God. Stop fucking apologizing because all you're doing is you're just building up these, these paper tigers. This is unreal. This is like, it's like, it's like, I thought we already went through all this Lenny, Bruce, George, Carl and getting arrested. Shit. Are we heading back towards it? Is that what's going to happen?

I don't know. Anyways, and think about the shit that I say on this fucking podcast, huh? How come nobody ever gets offended by this shit? You know why? Because I don't have a movie coming out. That is the genius. That is the genius of being under the radar. You're not going to get any traction getting offended by me.

You got to wait. I got that F is for fail. I'm predicting right now that F is for family. When that shit comes out, somebody's going to be in a podcast in 2010, but only if it's a hit, only if it's a hit show. Fucking ridiculous. It doesn't matter if it's a joke or not. It doesn't matter if you were serious or not. Oh, okay.

Is that how, is that how the world works? A lot of these people that complain about that, especially the racial jokes. They just reek of people that, like, you really just only hang out with people in your cul-de-sac. Because anybody who has, like, a wide variety of friends, the shit that we say to each other about each other's races and nationalities, and it's fucking hilarious. Like, you totally joke, you joke around about food, stereotypes, all of that shit, all the fucking time. These people, they just have, like, a list of fucking words. Like, these words are all good, these words are all bad.

All right, Phil, shut the fuck up. We get it. Okay. All right, cool. So anyways, I had to go to the doctor this week, right? Nia's been getting on me. In my leg, I got this varicose vein on my calf. It's not bugging me or anything, but it's starting to look a little gnarly, you know what I mean?

And she goes, why don't you have somebody go down and take a look at it? It's like, I'm not having somebody cut open my fucking leg. And she goes, no, they just inject something in there. Fucking, you know, the vein collapses and you're good. So I go, all right, fuck it, I'll go down there. So I call up these people, it's a 1-800 number. They've got, like, 12 different fucking locations around the country. I'm like, it already doesn't seem reputable to me.

So I call them up and they're like, yeah, you know, blah, blah, and they go, what's your name? Where do you live? And I go, why do you need to know where I live? I don't want you to know where I live. I'm going down there. Well, we need to know for the billing of insurance. I go, I have shitty insurance. I don't have good insurance.

All right. I know it's, I'm going to give you my insurance card. You're going to say, we don't take that. And then I'm going to have to pay for it. So I'm just going to pay cash. Why do you need to know where I live? And she goes, because that's how we, that's part of our policy. And I go, why?

She goes, I just told you why. I go, no, you didn't. You just said it's part of your policy. I want to know why that's part of your policy. She just kept going. I just told you why I go, no, you didn't. So finally she gets her fucking supervisor. And no, we need, we need an address.

So you know what I did? I just gave him a fake address, which is what I'm doing from now on. Just give him a fake address. I gave it to him and then I go down there. I show up at the doctor's office and they never said, hey, your address didn't check out. They didn't. So now it's great too.

I got that misinformation out there about where I might, where I live, when they go to sell it to some other corporation. So I walk in there and, you know, there's two, two ladies on the phone, one young and one about in her 30s. The young ones got like jeans, like ripped jeans on and stuff like that. And, you know, I walk up. So I walk up and there's two fucking clipboards to sign in and they're both on the phone. So I just sign in on the one in front of the ripped jeans girl.

Right. So I go and I sit down and she gets off the phone. She looks at me and then she, she goes with her index finger, like come here. You know what I mean? And I stand up and then I'm like, wait, she just summons me over like a fucking toddler. And I walk up and she goes, do you have an appointment? And I'm like, yeah, she goes, what's your name? I'm like, William Burr.

She goes, oh, you must be at the other office and she, and she points to the lady next to her. She goes, we're two separate offices. And I go, all right. So then I talk to the 35 year old chick. And meanwhile this, this, the young girl gets on the phone. She picks up. She's like, where the hell are you guys? God, I'm starving.

Are you going there right now? Oh, I'm going to kick your ass. Like this is like a medical office. So they tell me to fill out the whole form. I start filling out the form. Then they go, we need to see your driver's license. I go, for what? They go, well, we need to make a copy of it.

I go, no, you're not making a copy of my driver's license. You can look at it. Here it is. Here's my face, but you're not, you're not taking, you're not making a copy of it. And just she goes, well, that's what we do. I go, what do you, and what do you do with the copy? And she goes, it stays here in the office. I go, yeah, I'm not doing that.

And I go, why do you need a copy? I don't understand what. And so she goes, let me check with my manager. And she, you know, and then she comes back and said, yeah, we need a copy of your driver's license. You never needed this shit beforehand. By the way, all this fucking slowly moving us towards microchips or everywhere I go in, and your papers, please, and everybody's got to know fucking, you know, I'm not giving you my driver's license, my fucking driver's license number on it and shit.

Go fuck yourself. It's fucking this. You're in a strip mall. I'm not giving you a fucking copy of my driver's license. So anyway, she says, yeah, I just talked to my boss. She says, we need a copy of your driver's license. So I go, why? And then the little fucking half a cutie pie there fucking chimes in.

She goes, cause it blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just look at her and I go, you don't work here. And she put her head down and mumbled something. It just fucking made my day. There's nothing worse than when a six thinks she's a 10. She was such a fucking dope. I'm not going to lie to you. She was cute, but she thought she was the fucking shit and she wasn't.

That's just the way she was talking on the phone. How she was like, sell over the fucking job. It's like, you're a fucking dope. You're a fucking dope. I don't know who you know that gave you this fucking job, but I've been in here for six minutes and you suck at it. You fucking suck at it. So anyways, so I go, all right, so you need to cop my driver's license.

I go, all right, fine. I go, give me the clipboard. So I, I, I take the clipboard with all the information I wrote down and I just fucking folded it up and I just walked out. I should have said no dirty looks cause I know that fucking little twat was probably giving me a dirty look, but that's the fucking, you know, sitting here having this, this fucking dope cursing into the goddamn telephone.

And then I'm going to be, I'm comfortable with you injecting something into my body. Get the fuck out of here. The whole thing just felt shady. You know, when I first got there, there was this fucking guy from like Transylvania came, he came out with just like a T-shirt on and I'm looking like, is this fucking guy, is this the doctor? Did this guy just fix the radiator?

Then I found out he was a fucking patient. And I don't know, just his whole vibe. It looked like they were back there doing experiments on him. I just didn't like it. You know, it was, it was next, it was in this one of those fucking strip malls where it's like, hey, Veracose veins, you want your taxes done? You know, and then some Asian thing that makes noodles.

It's like, I'm going to have some medical procedure here. I'm not doing this shit. So my, you know what? My gut was screaming at me the second I walked in there. But, um, I don't know. I don't know. I fucking was laughing the whole way out to my truck. They go, ah, it's because of blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, hey, you don't work here. She had to put her head down and then she mumbled something, trying to pull victory out of that fucking devastating defeat. Who's kidding? It wasn't devastating to her. She probably whined about it and somebody bought her a new iPhone. You know, because they think that they're going to fuck her. You know, anyways, I was actually telling a buddy of mine that he was

going, man, I hope my daughter doesn't end up like that. I said, nah, you already would have saw it. She's three years old. You can tell if your kid's going to be a dope or not by the time they're three. You know, I'm not saying you can't, you can't tell if they're going to be on drugs or make a bad choice in their teens, but you can tell whether or not you actually got somebody who got the A brain.

You know, and I'm not talking fucking Einstein. I'm just saying like, you know, they're on point. They're talking to you. They're locked in. You're giving them information. They're processing it. You know, then you got the B brain, those almost smart people. They're the funniest people because they, on some way, they kind of know

they're dumb, you know, cause straight up dumb people don't know that dumb. They just always think that they're getting fucked. Which is why they have that dumb look on their face. That's why their jaws always hanging open and their brows kind of furrowed the, cause they can't figure out what the fuck happened. You know, but somebody gets the B brain. They actually know that they're kind of dumb and you see them catching themselves and they look around the table like, wow, did anybody just catch that?

And there's an intelligence in that. And that's why I grade them as a B, right? And right now you guys should be sitting there going, Bill, we obviously know that you actually are so fucking arrogant that you think that you got the A brain, which right there immediately knocks you down to at least a B because anybody who's truly intelligent doesn't think they are. They think they're a fucking moron.

I almost got lost in all that. Speaking of being a fucking moron, did you see what Jason Pierre Paul did? And God knows, I know even with nine fingers, this guy could still throw me over my house. But what the fuck are you doing? What were you lighten off that blew off your finger? I don't understand people that like, it's the 4th of July. I get it. A couple of bottle rockets.

Have a Roman candle fight. You know, put on some goggles. I get it. Little grab ass with some fireworks. Who gives it? But these people who like fucking go to like military grade shit. You know what I mean? What the fuck did you light off that you made the decision that,

you know what, just amputate my finger. I got to get back out on the field. Oh my God, that's a bad finger to fucking lose to. That's second in command to the thumb. Like the thumbs, the headliner, the index finger, right? That's the feature act. I'd say the middle finger is the host. And then your ring finger and your pinky are doing guest spots.

Right? They're not getting paid. They're doing guest spots, right? Anyways, so he blew off, there's no feature act anymore. So now he basically has like a lobster claw. No, lobster claw would be if they were all fucking together. I don't know, man. But all he knows, he had three options with the finger and one of them was amputated.

And I mean, hey, I like playing football. I liked when I was a kid, but you know, I like playing drums too, but I would never, I'd be like, you know what, why don't we wait a minute and sell this fucking thing on, you know, see how it goes. Before I just said, you know what, fuck it. You know what's going to be funny is his custom gloves they have to make during the wintertime. Those four-fingered ones.

He's got like a Bart Simpson hand now, you know, because animation, they always have those things. I don't know, why am I joking about something so horrific? I just, you know what it is? It's because he just made the decision to say fuck it. Just cut the fucking thing off. Now, granted, like most people, when it comes to this story, I have absolutely no information other than, you know,

somebody texted me and said JPP had his index finger amputated. I don't know. All I know is that every NFL contract from here on out now has that worded somewhere in there, if they didn't already. I know you're not allowed to ride a motorcycle. I don't think fly a private, fly yourself like a pilot's license or something. You're not allowed to do any of that shit. Probably you have to Larry Bird if you're taller than 6'6".

You're not allowed to black top your parents' fucking driveway. I don't know what the fuck. You know what's funny about the Giants? They can beat the fucking Patriots, but Jesus Christ, they can't get through a fucking off-season without just somebody doing something, right? I was just talking to Verzi about that. He goes, Jesus Christ, you know, they're fucking shooting themselves in the legs, fucking cutting their fakes off.

But I'll tell you, when it counts, they beat them Patriots. And you know what? I don't give a shit because we won our fourth and I'll take four out of six. I'll take two losses to the Giants for four out of six. And speaking of that, speaking of Giants fans, I'm doing Rappaports. I am Rappaports podcast tomorrow. And I'm expecting that Sad Sack New York fan to come strong with the Giants shit talk, which would be great.

It's like, yeah, but then we won another one, Michael. Then we won another one. We've won four since February of 2002. We've won four Super Bowls. We have won the most Super Bowls out of any team in the NFL. So I will take those two crushing losses to the Giants to win four. I will make that trade any day of the week. And then to add three World Series, a Stanley Cup, and an NBA championship,

and a soccer championship too, evidently. What are we, the Boston fucking tea parties? I don't know what the hell we are. The Liberty. That's a fucking WNBA team. I have no idea, right? We won in five different sports. I mean, I'm gonna hit him with the same shit.

Michael, you have 10 teams in New York City and you guys cannot in any combination of 10 to win all four in 10 years. You just have not been able to do it ever. It's fucking pathetic. How many teams do you need to stay in step with Titletown, Boston, Massachusetts? That right there. That's a one-sided idea of what the fuck that I'm gonna be talking about on his podcast. Also been playing a bunch of drums.

I'm getting ready for, I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam up in the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'm gonna be doing it three nights, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I think the 20th, 21st, and 23rd, I'll be doing it. So I've been playing a lot of drums and just having a fucking great time. Just a great time. Basically, I have my summer off. After all the traveling, I did crisscross in the land. I got the summer off and what I'm trying to do is not fill up every day with activities

because that's what I end up doing. And then it ends up being unbelievably stressful. I mean, I don't have it off, off. I gotta fucking punch up all these episodes if that is for family. And I gotta tell you, dude, it's coming together. It's coming together. And I've been watching a lot of animation, a lot of archer, Bob's Burgers. What else did I watch?

Those chickens that smoke weed. And I'm not even listening to the jokes. I'm looking at the movements because they always give you the lowest fucking budget ever when it comes to animation. So I'm trying to fucking see how with the limited movement, like on Archer, if you look at it, they really don't move that much, but they just have the eyebrows going up, coming down, eyes squinting, an occasional fucking hand movement. So I'll be doing that.

But still, that will feel like a vacation as opposed to fucking flying all around. Oh, by the way, did you guys check out Rolling Stone this week or whatever? Kim Kardashian's tits and Kim Kardashian are on the cover. And they got an article in there about this guy who all he does is fly around. That's all he does. He has not had a home. I don't know. I don't even get it.

He's been in the air since August in the air or at an airport waiting to connect since April of last year. You know, he'll still spend the night at like a five-star hotel and then go right back to the airport. And he's sitting there saying how like he learned how to work the system. There's all these ins and outs and all that type of stuff. It's a really fascinating story because immediately I'm like going like, dude, who's getting fucked in this deal? You're not really living a life, but he turned it into a business where everybody gets advice from now. And now he's allegedly a millionaire. So I think that sacrifice, he was able to do it.

But it's a really, really interesting. I just don't understand it. Like this fucking guy, like he set the record crossing the Pacific Ocean like six times. And like, I don't know how many days that can't be healthy, cannot be fucking healthy. But, you know, he flies like, you know, those double-decker air buses. They have this thing where you get your own apartment on one of them. And one of the Singapore Airlines was the first one that had it. And the ticket is $15,000.

And this dude has so many miles, he gets it by himself. And he's sitting there acting like he's winning. But it's just like, dude, but you just let even that's cool in the air. But if you had that as an apartment, you'd be like, this fucking sucks. I can't even breathe in here. Not to mention there's a camera on me at all fucking times, making sure I don't rub one out or fuck something in this bed, right? If you had that on the ground, you'd be like, this is fucked up.

You have it in the air, you think this is the shit. But if all you're doing is living in the air, like, I don't know. But in the end, if he was a millionaire and he enjoyed it, I don't know. Check out the article. It's really, really fucking interesting. So we're winding down here on the podcast. I need you guys to help me out if you could. I'm looking for a car.

And Craig List seems to be the best way to do it. I pretty much checked all of California. I'm looking for a 65 or 66 Ford Galaxy in Wimbledon White. And all I'm looking for is that it has a straight body, not all rusted out, none of that shit. The body is straight, and the interior is solid. It doesn't have to be mint. As long as it's solid, it looks like most everything is there.

And then either no engine or a non-original engine, because I just can't get myself to take the original numbers matching engine out of a car. I just can't fucking do it. That's what I'm looking for. I thought you could do a nationwide search on Craig's List, but you can't. You got to go state by state. So if you live in a state, check it out. If you got time, if you don't, I understand.

But that's what I'm looking for. And just tweet at me. Send me the links if you find one, because that's what I'm looking for. I got my truck back in it. Like I said, they rebuilt the whole engine, painted the thing that Ford blew, and it's running like a top. And the power steering just came in, and then I'm waiting on the air conditioning. I'm going to slap that fucking thing on, and that's going to be my daily driver.

And I've been driving it all over the place. I absolutely fucking love that truck. And all I want to do is just get a 65 Ford Galaxy and redo that thing. What I want to do is I want to have the underneath be 2015 and then up top be 1965 and just be able to drive that thing across country if I wanted to. Because I only got three gears in my truck. I mean, I could have switched it out, made it automatic or even just had a five speed put in. But I just feel like shifting on the column is too fucking cool.

So when I get on the highway, I just drive it like a granny. I'm in the first lane going like 50 miles an hour. Bill, no, it gives a fuck. Well, I do. I give a fuck. So anyways, I'm still waiting for the advertising to come in here. Huh? What am I up to?

29 minutes. That's it. That's my little fucking half hour. My little 30 minutes here with you. Oh, here's the Reeds. They came in. He came in. What do we got?

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As always, thank you for listening and you have a wonderful weekend, you cunts. Dear Bill, recently I had to return some items at the mall. It was the day after Christmas and I was with a girl I was dating, with the girl that I was dating. She wanted to return some shoes, so we went to the journey store where the shoes were bought. When she got to the counter to return the shoes, the girl behind the counter asked her for her name, address, email, and phone number. Oh my God, the amount of fucking people who actually give out that information. My girlfriend just gave the information over as soon as the girl asked for it. We were leaving the store.

I remarked that I thought it was bullshit that she had to give away personal information to return a pair of shoes. She said it was not a big deal, but I didn't like it. All right, why the fuck would you give somebody all that information? And just in case you're new to my podcast, just say, you can say no. Can I, you know, I go out to buy shit all the time. Can I have your phone number? No. I don't even say, I don't even try to make it nice.

I just say no. And then they go, oh, okay. You know, why do you feel like you've got to give them their information? You're trying to buy something. I'm sorry, I can't, I can't sell you this unless I get your information. Well, then go fuck yourself. I'll buy it somewhere else. I don't even need it anyways.

So anyways, he goes, next we go to American Eagle. You guys hit all the hotspot, huh? Then we went to Cinnabon. Next, we went to American Eagle where I had to return a shirt that was a gift. There was a long line for returns. Why'd you return the shirt? Did it not fit? Or was it ugly as hell?

Or was it both? As I was waiting in line, one of the employees comes up to me with a clipboard with the little form to fill up. Is anybody else kind of getting the prison camp vibe here? You know, you're standing in line to get processed and there's a guy coming up. What is your name, please? Your phone number? I stopped the employee and asked her why she needed this information. And she says that it was to verify my purchase.

How fucking dumb are people? You're going to verify my purchase? Well, here's the sales slips there, sweetheart. This verifies it. That's it. I don't know what to tell you. Why don't you and your clipboard... Why don't you hold that clipboard between your little fucking beef curtains and take a fucking walk down the street?

How about that, huh, sweetheart? There's no reason to use that type of language. Go fuck yourself. How about I fucking grab that ponytail and just... No, let's keep it clean this week, shall we, people? Anyway, he goes, before I could protest further, she said that I could just put my name on it. Oh, on the clipboard?

When she walked away, I pulled out the gift receipt and said to my girlfriend, oh, here it is. Yeah, this is what verifies my purchase. Exactly. The clipboard employee wasn't as far as way as I thought she was and heard me say... Did I read that wrong? Yeah, heard me say... She heard me say this and she began to explain further why I needed to give over the information.

This is the part of the email I hate. He goes, I apologized and told her I realized it wasn't her and that it was just her company's policy that she was enforcing. She walked away again. I felt bad, so the next time I saw her, I apologized and said I realized that she was just doing her job, but she ignored me. She was probably pissed because it was the day after Christmas and I was causing her grief, but she could at least accept my apology, you bitch.

I love how you go from being totally liberal and seeing somebody's fucking side of it to being, yeah, man up, you cunt. Anyway, I got up to the counter and there wasn't any further problems. The guy at the register just took my name and didn't ask me for anything. I felt as though I had a small victory against the big corporations. Then this week, I had to go back to the store to return a hat my girlfriend got. Did you guys not make Christmas lists? Or are all your relatives blind?

This seems to be a lot of returning of gifts. This is hilarious. You're returning a hat that your girlfriend got. Dude, how horrific was that hat? Can you please send me a picture of it? If you took one before you returned it. Picture one of those plaid Charlie Chaplin hat. I had the receipt, but again, the girl at the register asked me for my address and phone number.

I said I didn't want to give that information to her. Immediately panic sets in on her face and she says that I have to. I said that I didn't have to the day after Christmas and I wasn't going to now. Good for you. She calls over a coworker and they both get defensive and hold to the idea that I have to give over my information in order to return a stupid hat, even though I had my receipt. I asked why and they let me slide. Why did they let me slide on this before?

They maintained that I had to give them my name, address and phone number. So what did I do in the face of corporate opposition? I caved and I gave it to him. You fucking pussy. Dude, the second you saw the panic on their face, you knew that they were going to lose. All right? He goes, I just don't get it, Bill. Why is a receipt not enough nowadays?

It is enough. They say they need our personal information to verify a purchase. They're not, dude. They're not. All right? All of that shit. All those little save, you know, you want to get when our discount store, they're creating a file on you. They figure out what you want to buy, what they can market towards you and then they take that information

and they sell it to other fucking companies. Even though they say they're not going to, they sell your information. Your information gets up on the internet and that's why there's all these creepy websites out there right now that have all this fucking information about you, about, you know, how many siblings you have, your brothers and sisters' names. They all use that information to fucking, I'm telling you. Don't give them your information. You don't have to give them your information.

And people out there who just have this fucking attitude towards these corporations just sitting there going like, well, you know, what do they got? You mean as long as you're not doing anything wrong? I mean, what do I care if they know where I live? What do I care? This fucking morons. I don't even, I've explained this shit till I'm blue in the face and then I always get these emails from these people. They just, I don't know.

I said something the other day, you know, I was listening to sports radio, you know, because I'm a deep thicker, right? And this new guy got on sports radio out here in Los Angeles and, you know, he does what most people do when they have nothing to say, which is they just start, they just go over the top arrogant. You know what I mean? Like he was talking about how he wanted to get some sort of sports culture personality on the show, but he doubted he could get him as a guest because the guest hated him. And he goes, you know, because I disagreed with him on something. He was talking to a coach and he was actually disagreeing with the fucking coach.

He's disagreeing with the guy. And he goes, you know what the problem is, you know, he goes like, I'm just like such a good debater. I actually end up like convincing myself of my own opinion. He actually said that over the airwaves and I just sort of muttered to myself that the confidence of morons is staggering. You know what I mean? Morons think they know everything. That's what makes them fucking morons. And like the emails I get with people who don't question this shit, which is, I don't know,

like last week when I went off for my little fucking rant there, just some of the fucking emails I get. It's like people are sending me shit that kind of is backing up what I'm saying and then telling me that it sound like I have tinfoil on my fucking head, which obviously I am out of my fucking mind on some level. But I'm not out of my mind when I don't trust corporations and I don't trust them when they say we're not going to do anything with this information. The other day I was in CVS and I go to buy something and the lady asked me that I have a save card and I said no. She said, do you want one? And I said no. And she goes, well, that's okay.

I'll just, and she swiped the fucking thing anyways. And I was like, lady, what did I just say to you? Now, see, if I use my credit card, they'd have my name and then to match up to that fucking number and what the hell I just bought and just a little bit more information me about me. And my question to all you people who have these, this faith in these corporations, why does that person do that? Why are they so hell bent on trying to make that corporation less money in that moment? They give me this card, you know, like everybody has those cards. So you're not saving any fucking money. It's just, it's a big fucking shell game to make it seem.

Oh, look, you're saving money. What they're really doing, look at this hand over here as you're giving them all your personal fucking information that they can then use to very least sell the other corporations to increase junk mail. And also to limit your fucking level of privacy. The fact that they can put all that shit up in the goddamn internet. People have been sending me these random websites where they have like your name and your address, where you fucking live and all this type of shit. It's like, how do you think that they get all that information? Do you think there's somebody sitting there with a phone book and just typing all of this shit in? I don't know.

I don't fuck it. If some, let's, let's, what kills me if some fucking random creepy guy, you know, you're standing there waiting for the subway came up to you, asked you what your name, your phone number and your address was, would you give it to him? No, but for some reason you're inside of a fucking store and there's socks and sweaters and somebody has a name tag. Now all of a sudden you give them total fucking trust. You're out of your mind. So sir, don't cave in. All right. All you just, just say that's unacceptable.

That's unacceptable. I want to speak to the manager. What they're doing. It's not legal yet. But I can guarantee you there's somebody lobbying for it. That in Washington, there's some sort of fucking high powered lobbying group. I swear to God is probably lobbying that from here on out, we need to have a law that if you're going to return a hat, you have to give us your name, your address and your social security number. Just so there's not another 9 11 could guarantee it.

So yeah, you don't have to. That's actually one of the highlights of my day. What I do now is when they say, do you have a little savey save card? And I say, no, I don't. Would you like one? No, I don't. I then say, and please don't swipe another one. You know, and then I try to pay with cash.

I love cash. Cash is fucking anonymous. All you guys out there was sitting there watching these commercials where they make it look like credit cards are so fucking easy. You're idiots. You're buying into exactly what they want you to buy into, which is a cashless society so they can keep track of where you are at all fucking times and every last fucking dime that you make so they can get their greedy little fucking hands on it. You're out of your mind and you're giving up an unbelievable amount of fucking privacy. By creating a paper trail everywhere you go. Everywhere you go, what you're doing, where you're at, you know, and the sea of morons who are going to sit there and go, well, if you ain't doing anything wrong.

I mean, I guess maybe maybe I'm a paranoid psycho. You look at all these fucking idiots who do reality TVs and they let cameras come into their house and they don't seem to care about it. Maybe maybe the average jackass doesn't give a shit. But sir, for the love of God, you know, in the end, he says, I'm not crying conspiracy. It's very plain to see what they're doing. It's not malicious or evil. Yes, it is. It is malicious and it is evil and it is a conspiracy.

They're conspiring to get everybody's information. Find out what they buy and they're lying to you saying that they're not going to share the information. It's everything that you're saying it's not. It is. All right. And that's it. That's two weeks in a row on the soapbox. See, people, don't you like it better when I talk about sports?

I sent this last thing. I'll read you guys. This guy sent me something about, you know, I was talking about when you go in to go buy things and people ask for your phone number and all this fucking information and it fucking creeps me out. Every time they do that, I just think that they should play in the beginning of that iron main song, the prisoner. You remember that from the 80s? Do you remember how that thing went? Information. Information.

You remember this? Information. Who are you? The new number two. Who is number one? You are number six. Most psycho laugh ever. I am a free man.

Can you imagine if your fucking dad would laugh at you like that back in the day? I am a free man. Be like, son, how many beers did you have tonight? You're just like, I just had two. It's fucking awesome. The lights start dim and it's going to be over. So anyways, this fucking guy, did that make any sense? By the way, I don't know.

I'm fucking sitting there with one microphone, no headphones in a fucking hotel room. This is what you get. All right. So this guy said, Bill, can you believe how much fucking information people are willing to give away to strangers for no reason? He goes, I got my hair cut the other day and the first thing they say to me before hello or what can I do for you is the first thing out of the gate is what's your phone number? So I say, why do you need my phone number? She says, so we know who you are when you come in, which is bullshit because they don't know you when you come in. They still have to ask what your goddamn number is.

See, you got to love someone who actually fucking uses their brain. So anyway, she goes, he says, I don't want to give you my number. So then she scoffs in his face and says, we don't send the information out to anyone. It's just to keep track of you here. That's it. And then she says, then okay, then the guy says, the guy wrote this really badly here. So then I guess he responds to that doesn't make me feel any better. You don't need my phone number to cut my hair.

Then this slag does this fine whatever that sounded exactly like your exaggerated impression of a dumb broad. Then she goes, how about your address? Dude, this is fucking. You know what? All these corporations are sharing this information to figure out exactly what you buy when you buy it, what you like the best. So they can just fucking, I don't know what, you know, jack the prices of this shit up. So anyways, she goes, how about your address? And the guy goes, what are you going to do?

Drop the haircut off at my house. Just cut my fucking hair. Now there's three people in line behind me in this worthless tub of cum. Jesus leans around me and says, and says, I guess to the people behind him, sorry, this takes longer when they, then he writes they, you know, don't give any information. And then he says sarcastically, oh, I see. I'm the one compliment complicating this transaction. And it's not even her fault. It's her corporate creep bosses and all the fucking sheep that let people do whatever they want.

Sorry, this is so long. Well, you should apologize to my listeners because they had to listen to me read it. Yeah, man, don't give those people your fucking phone numbers. Don't give them your address. I do that. Can we get your phone number? No, you can't. We're not going to do anything with it.

That's fine. That's fine. I know you're not going to do anything with it. I don't want you to have my phone number. We need to call me up and see how my fucking haircuts going. Is it still short? And you think you need an adjustment? Did I tell you that story?

But when I went into CVS and that guy who looked with the Pee Wee Herman haircut, there was two, two foreigners in front of me. They barely spoke English. And they asked if they wanted one of those savey save cards. And they said, no. And he goes, that's all right. I'll just scan one anyways. And he scans it.

So I walk up and I'm ready for this guy. He goes, do you have our little savey save card? And I say, no, I don't. And he goes, well, just scan it anyways. And I go, no, I don't want you to. And then he scanned it. And I said, excuse me. What did I just say to you?

I just said, I don't want that. And you scanned it anyways. Why did you just do that? And he goes, it's all right. I'll unscan it. I'll unscan it. And I go, what do you get? Like half a cent for every person that you get, you know, that you get on the fucking list

there. And he goes, no, I don't. It's like, really? Is that why you can't make eye contact with me? You fucking piece of shit. He probably didn't even unscan the goddamn thing. You know, I don't understand people who help out corporations. I just don't.

Have they done anything to demonstrate that they give a flying fuck about you or the drinking water in your town? Don't help those cunts. I mean, you can if you want to, but that's, I would just, I think it would be a better world if these fucking pricks did know every goddamn thing about you. You know, pretty soon you're going to walk in there and they're going to fucking ask if you can put a, if they can just bug you like Gene Hackman in the conversation, right? All right, dude, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

You know what? I'm going to go down and we'll listen to this lady singer songs so I don't have to think. There's a nice little crowd down there. There's got to be at least 26 people down there, which I think in downtown San Jose actually constitutes a mob. Maybe somebody will get tased and shot in the abdomen. I don't know what. All right.

That's the podcast for this week. Thank you guys so much for listening. I am currently revamping my website and I hope that everything's going to be up to speed. I recently went over 10,000 people on my mailing list, so I'm really excited about that. And if you want to know what's going on, you know, especially if you see, you know, when I switched over to Lipson with the podcast and all that fucking shit, if you were out of the loop, it's because you weren't on my mailing list. I'm not sure.

You know, how funny is this? How funny is this? How fucking hypocritical am I? I just said, don't give your phone number out to these cunts. And now here I am asking for your web address. I really just, why do you people listen to this? I'm an idiot. All right.

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