Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-20

Episode Date: July 9, 2020

Bill rambles about re-openings, ridiculous real estate shows, and his promise to the green bag.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I'm just checking in on you. I'm checking in on you. Hey, I'll tell you something that's going to be coming back. I don't give a fuck how they're going to do it because they always do it. They don't give a shit. What's going on is the NFL. I know the NHL is trying to fucking, you know, Tom Dick and Harry, whatever the fuck they're trying to do. Right? I don't know what the NBA is doing. I don't know what the fuck any of them do. I know the NFL is coming back. They don't give a shit. All right? The real reason Trump did not lock down in time was the NFL told them to shut the fuck

up. We have a super bowl to play. And then the next week, Trump was like, well, what about now? And they said we got the pro bowl. All right. Then after that, that was it. Then they shut the fucking thing down. So virus, no virus, tuberculosis, something else I heard was getting thrown around out there. Tuberculosis. It's like, didn't we cure that shit? Did we cure that shit or just did just enough? Did everybody who had it died? I don't know. I don't want to set things off. All I know is I just looked up a bunch of shit on Cam Newton, right? And he seems like he's fucking pissed off and ready to prove something, you know, and all these Patriot haters were all excited that Tom Brady signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

and lo and behold, we got one of the best quarterbacks in the league for the league minimum, huh? Which means they got money for other weapons. I think it's going to be tremendous. I want to see what Bill Belichick does with a guy that can actually is also a threat to run. I can't, it's going to be fucking amazing. And this guy was saying that our offensive line is going to be looking good. I don't give a fuck if they play in front of five people. They got to bring football back. All right. Everybody knows football is what keeps America sane, you know, and I know all you fucking haters of America and your different countries where every one of you thinks you're the first clever cunt to say, why do they call it football? Oh,

what a fuck did they call it football? What a fuck? They fucking kick it off your cunt. They kick field goals. They punt. It's a fucking kick like every three goddamn place. What are you guys work on not fucking crying anytime anybody on the other team looks at you and start having some fucking Shakespearean opera going on out there? Jesus Christ. Why can't the people that play rugby play soccer and give soccer some fucking goddamn respect around the globe? Jesus Christ. Bunch of beta males running around flip flopping anytime anybody fucking touches their sock, the top of their fucking shoe. I like women's soccer better than the women just go out and play these fucking guys. Bunch of goddamn broads. Um, sorry. Anyways, I got nothing guys.

I just I just think of something and I just I exhaust the topic because I am not doing anything. Okay. I am. I got nothing. I have no road gigs. I'm in California. They're shutting it down again. I think it is shut shut down. I don't know what the fuck's going on. So all I've been doing is every day I try to go on some sort of a outdoor activity with my family back east. You know, have the mask on and all that shit and they're still fucking shitheads walking around no mask. They don't need all my favorite. They have the mask on, but it's like beneath their nose. You dumb cunt. Just wish I would be like in a cartoon. You know, I mean, you could pull the mask back and then stick some TNT in there and then let it go right into their face. That's what I that's what I think

about doing among other things. But you know, I don't do it. I don't do it. You know, they're always talking about what mask shaming. I'm not gonna do that. All right. I got two bad shoulders. I'm on the other side of 50. Okay, you know, the best you're going to get out of me is a dirty look until you make eye contact with me. And then I'm going to look away like the weak dog in the litter. Okay, that's all I have left at this point. You know, before I was 50, I used I was really good at pretending I knew how to fight. But you know that I'm on the other side, what's great about it? Once you're on the other side of 50, you can finally admit to the world that you actually admit to yourself that you're not really good at it. You don't really want to do it.

Anywho. So yeah, I think I want to see what the fuck this is going to look like. And I'm a little nervous that it's the beginning of July and nobody's talking about football as far as like, is it going to come back? Let me let me check my smartphone here. Let me see if this fucking thing's going to come back. Come on, people. I mean, Jesus Christ, this, you know, I actually was listening to a little bit of NPR today. In other words, I was driving in the car with my wife. You know, and they just had these two women discussing that Trump's going to cut funding on schools that don't open in the fall. And I'm like, all right, now they're going to sit here and trash Trump. And then, but they didn't. They were actually sitting there going,

well, you know, it's difficult to try to please everybody. The kids don't really seem to get it. But if you open the school, I mean, there's a bunch of adults teaching them. And you know, you don't want them to, you know, catch it and then fucking breathe on somebody else. And then they die. But then again, we got to move forward. And I just I was listening to this shit. I actually turned it off. My wife was like, I was listening to that. So I turned it back on, turned it back on because I have realized that my idea of sanity is not my wife's idea. And that I am also insane, right? I'm insane. She's insane. Okay, but I just think she's insane because her idea of sanity is not my idea of sanity. Right? So that makes that I that I fucking

have I given you a clue the bare necessities of life will come to you. They'll come to you every night. I got to sing that to my daughter, look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife. Now, when you pick a paw paw, what does that mean? Or a prickly pear? And you prick the raw paw? Well, next time beware. Don't pick the prickly pear with the paw. When you pick the pear, try to use the claw. Oh, God damn it. I need to go do a fucking stand up gig. All right, this is the new fucking this is the new normal. You wake up, you take your vitamins, you go outside, you either get it and live. You don't get it. Or you get it you're dying. That's it. That's it. I think COVID's here to stay. It's fucking here to stay.

And you either this is this is mother nature is just like you fucking cunts. You walking on your fucking feet fucking cunts. You fucked up every river, every ocean, every fucking tree. You made a mockery of Ann Arbor Day, Arbor Day, whatever the fuck it is. Ann Arbor, go blue. I think she's just like all right. All these fucking white women saying enough is enough. You know what? I'm the original bitch. I'm saying enough is enough. And I'm fucking unleashing this shit. And I'll give a fuck. What the fuck you guys are going to do? All right, it is time. I have let you I have let the weak survive for long enough with this race of fucking animals. Every other fucking rate of the other species wrong fucking word every this this species of animal,

the weak have got to go. That's what mother nature say. Is that what she's saying? Or are we just fucking? I don't know. I don't know what I just don't know what I'm going to do here. I'm going to have to take up another fucking hobby. You know, I am literally out of shit to talk about. I drive around in my car and I look at houses that I like. And then I go and I go on Zillow. And I get really disappointed if they haven't been on the market and I can't see pictures of every fucking room in there. How weird is that? You know, and I was mentioning the other day that I actually like Craftman style houses, but I got to tell you this after, you know, being basically at the gentleman's peeping Tom,

because I'm not looking at anybody. I am looking into your house. But none of you guys are there. And I'm doing it on Zillow, right? I've actually I love the way a Craftman house looks from the outside. You get inside the fucking thing. It's just a little too creepy for me. Not into it. So I think I'm like Mediterranean style houses. And then I like those ridiculously modern looking ones. Oh, and me and my fucking lovely wife watched this show. One of these real estate shows. And this is guy. He's this builder. And he actually did a photo shoot, you know, like smoking a cigar and shit. And Nia just started laughing like, who the fuck is this ridiculous person? And I'm like, I don't know. I love this guy already though.

Why is he smoking a cigar? Like he just won some sort of championship, you know? And then I was like, wait, I smoke cigars. So why the fuck not? I was like, but I never did a photo shoot. That's a tough one. It's really tough to do a photo shoot with the cigar as a guy and not look like a douche. You know, but then again, that's what I love about a cigar other than the delicious taste of a cigar is I just love how fucking obnoxious it is. It's like, I'm going to smoke this cigar and everybody in a quarter mile radius is going to be aware that I am smoking one. So anyway, this guy, he makes these fucking like a hundred million dollar houses. I mean, how much fun is that to look at the actual, the environmental disaster

that a fucking hundred million dollar house is? You know, I'm not saying that if I didn't create an app that I then sold for fucking a billion dollars that I wouldn't go out and go buy one of these houses, I absolutely would. You know, once a year, I would have some homeless kids come over and I would let them swim in the guest pool. Then I give them some bag of candy or some shit and then I would be like, see, I did something. I did some for society. So anyways, this fucking guy, man, I got to, you know, he literally goes, he's like giving the lady all this shit, right? Making her take her shoes off before she enters the house. He's going to show the house as the builder. He's going to show the house just massive, massive, massive, like fucking

just, just living in his ego. At one point he's going, I need someone to sell my whole portfolio. Right now I'm holding 500 million dollars in earth, right? Now, is that what you're holding there, buddy? Right? But I got to tell you this, as much as this guy was living in his fucking ego, which is always, of course, entertaining to watch. I don't know if he's ramping up for TV. I got to tell you something. This fucking guy's houses were amazing. He's developing this part of Malibu. It's called the case. I don't know why. Why not, right? It's 100 million dollars. Why not give it a douchey name? She's standing there with a fucking cigar and a hammer in the other hand, whatever, architectural plans. This guy makes an amazing, amazing fucking house. The house was

fucking gorgeous. Dude, this was just the one next to the ones that he's going to make in this area. And the guy, he said it has over 4,800 feet of deck space. You have like a mansion square foot. That's a mansion, right? You get like 5,000 square feet of anything. You got a mansion. They have a mansion of a porch, square footage on their porch. But the best part about this is because this guy loves cigars, he actually built a cigar room, you know, wine tasting room. And then there was actually, there was like a million dollars with a wine in there in the wine room. And then next to that, there was a cigar, like a fucking, like, what do you call it? Cigar bar, like in the house. These four fucking leather chairs,

this sick ass smoke eater. And then you could just walk out on the deck and you could just look at the canyons. And on the other side, you could look out at the ocean. It was, and it was not like gaudy. If I could say it was, it was somehow an understated 100 million dollar house. I absolutely fucking loved it. So it's, I don't know, this is what I'm doing to get through it. I'm just looking at ridiculous fucking houses. I just can't fucking imagine that. You should have seen this thing. It would be like, you would get tired walking from the kitchen to the fucking living room. And you know, what's funny is, you know, whoever buys that thing is going to live there with like two or three other people. It'd be like living in a mall with like

five other people. That's like one of those houses where you're just like, where the fuck is my phone? Ah Christ, get on a Segway. All the way to the other side of the fucking house. I would think you'd get skinnier in that house, just doing all that walking, you know, and then when you're late at night laying in your bed, you're just thinking like, ah man, I'd love a fucking ice cream sandwich, but ah, the kitchen is like a quarter of a mile away. You know, when you buy a house that big, you actually have to have a property manager. You have to have somebody manage the property just to make sure the fucking shrubs eclipped, make sure somebody puts the fucking red flag down on your fucking mailbox.

I don't know. That house was so unbelievable that like, you know, if you were living in that thing, right, and if the Christianity thing is actually right and Jesus comes back, how fucking nervous are you if you're sitting in that house? All of a sudden you're looking out at the fucking Pacific Ocean, right? You know, on 5,000 square feet of a fucking deck, you know, all of a sudden you see Jesus walking on water, you're like, oh shit. Hey, what's up? Son of God, how you doing? Jesus just fucking taking in your giant house. Now, this, see, this right here, this is what is wrong with my religion that I was raised on, is that you immediately have all of this guilt if you're doing well.

I mean, what do you, let me ask you this guys, you guys, hey guys, we're all in this together, right? Send me emails. What would you have to do, okay, in order to justify a hundred million dollar house? Well, this one was actually, I think, he wanted to sell it for $85 and they wanted to sell it for $75 and he was very perturbed about that, right? I mean, it is 10 million bucks, you know? The man is holding $500 million in earth, of earth, I forget how he said it, but it was fucking great. I mean, that's the kind of shit you want to say at a bar. You're walking in, right? All these fucking fine ass bitches, right? That's what the fuck you want to say. Hey, what are you doing there, Silver Fox? Yeah, thinking about how I'm holding $500 million

in earth right now. Then the amount of gold digging ass that would just fucking be like glitter in a strip club, except they'd be fucking women. Anyway, what do you think you would have to do? You know, I would think Elon Musk, I know he's kind of become a polarizing guy with like, everything's become politics now, right? But just as far as like what that guy's doing, you know, taking on the big three, taking on the oil companies and all that type of shit and just, you know, if an electric world is actually a cleaner world, what that guy's doing, he's actually, if he actually improves, helps to improve and tip the scale into people going that direction, and we actually get into solar power, which is just fucking blows my mind,

blows my fucking mind, that you're going to fight war over this goop, or you could just put these stupid glass tiles on top of your fucking, just give the goddamn son to the oil companies. Fuck are we doing? Anyway, I think that guy could live there and be like, yeah, well, you know, the fucking oceans that I'm looking at is cleaner because of the shit that I'm selling to people. I don't know, that's a tough one. But if you just were telling jokes like me, shit jokes, okay, misogynistic jokes. I think that pretty much covers my act, right? Yeah, shit jokes, misogynistic jokes, right? How do you justify that? You know, I wonder if, if when you're in that house and you get towards the end of your life,

you know, you got to be thinking like, you know, I should really go to a soup kitchen right now ladle out some fucking chicken noodle here, get something in the, yeah, what'd you do for others type of thing? Anyway, why am I talking about all this shit? Give us a fuck. You got, you got a bunch of money you want to live in that house. God bless you. Go do it. I will tell you this though. Like you buy that fucking house and then for whatever fucking reason someday you got to get out of it. I mean, there's like what 20 people in the world that can afford that house. And then you, they have to be looking for a house in that moment and then like that house. That's a, that

is, I believe they call that a white elephant. Why is it called a white elephant? I don't know why. Oh, look at this. I'm out in my office. I'm, you know, my wife is still telling me to do shit through text message. You know, my favorite thing she's doing right now, she fucking trashes me on the, she trolls me on my Instagram page. Anytime I post something, she's always giving me shit. You know, all right, will you take out the trash in the kitchen? It just occurred to me that the cauliflower is going to stink up the joint. All right. Is that what just occurred to you? All right. I'm going to get into a fight. Here we go. Here's my response. Hey, Nia, it just occurred to me that you have two legs and two arms and a fucking head that can tell those limbs to go

downstairs and fucking throw it out yourself. You know, when did I become a fucking Gary Garbage? Oh, why did I, why did I end on that? I had you and then I Gary Garbage, I fucking tanked. You know what? This is great. I can erase that message. Let's do take two. All right. Hey, sweetheart, you know what I just realized? You know, it just occurred to me is that you have two legs and two arms and a brain that can tell you to go use them to go down there and throw that stinky ass cauliflower in the fucking trash. I love you. That was a better one. See how it sounds. All right. Hey, sweetheart, you know what I just realized? This is my fucking entertainment. You know what's funny is it did smell like shit. Gary Garbage. I got to get back on a

comedy stage. I am literally regressing. This is like you play guitar and you just stop playing. Then all of a sudden you're going to go back to being playing some big gig and you're up there going bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. That was supposed to be a guitar. Me playing twinkle, twinkle, little star. The fucking cauliflower smelled like shit, right? I was roasting up some vegetables and, you know, my sense of smell has been gone for years. I don't know what happened. I breathed in too many chemicals when I was younger working in a dental office. Somewhere along then I just lost my sense of smell. But that shit I could just, so I walked into living and I was like, honey, does this smell bad? She goes, oh my God, it's terrible, right? So I went

to throw it in the trash. It was in a little plastic container. I was like, oh, wait a minute. It's going to stink up the fucking kitchen. So what I did was I took out the tape gun and I fucking went once around it to lock it down. So yeah, you know what? I'm going to fucking send her another voice message. Wait a second. Yeah, not to mention your dumb husband before he threw it into the garbage. I actually did the tape gun on it, so it wouldn't stink, all right? So there's that. So take it, you know? See, I'm off my game. No, that was awful on purpose. You know, I did see some great comedy this week. God knows it didn't rub off on me. I was hanging out with my lovely wife. What the fuck else am I going to do?

We're all sitting here at home and they had all these episodes of South Park on Comedy Central. We watched like three episodes in a row and we would just fucking just looking at each other, just dying, laughing. Do you guys see the Amazon one? I don't want to ruin it, but I got to do one line from it. You know, talking about everybody just, you know, malls, nobody going to malls anymore and everybody getting like fucking packages delivered by Amazon. Somehow they tied Santa Claus into it. Santa Claus showed up and nobody gave a shit and his exit line was, hey, as he walks back to his sleigh, he yells back at everybody in South Park. He goes, hey, have fun sucking Bezos dicks. You bunch of cunts.

We laughed about that for the rest of the fucking episode. We were like, Santa, not you too. You're not being civil. Jesus Christ. Anyways, I got one read, one read or another. I'm going to read it. You know what is great about this fucking pandemic is my office is fucking cleaned up. I love it out here now. He's come out to the garage and be like, oh Jesus, this is what I've done with my life. You know, now I got it all fucking catalogued and thrown out or whatever the fuck needed to happen. Excuse me. All right, legal zoom, everybody. It's a whole new world in a world out there. We're all faced with new challenges. We're all

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So I've been trying to do better, you know, for a long time with my anger and shit. I got to We have a great linen closet. Okay. My old ass house that I spent a fucking fortune on. All right. And even still every other outlet it's just they just they just quit. I did they just quit on me. Put the plug in. All right. And then you're starting to walk away, you know, to turn the vacuum on and then you look over in the plugs, you know, I don't want to do it just falls out of the fucking socket. But we have this linen closet where you can actually walk into it, which I love. You can walk in. Oh, oh, there's there's a there's a washcloth. Oh, where's the face cloth? There's a full towel, right? Oh, there's the beach towels up. You can walk into it. You know what that says?

You don't want to walk in linen closet, linen closet says you know what it says? Do you know what it says? It says clash. Okay, that is the fucking problem. My wife has this giant fucking cunty ass plastic green bag full of shit, full of fucking shit right where you would walk in. I keep telling her, why don't we just take this giant fucking bag and get rid of this shit? Okay. And she's like, I like the bag. I finally figured out why you know why she likes the bag because it says Martha's stored on the side of the fucking thing. So every fucking week, when I put away the fucking laundry after it's been washed, I have to lean over this fucking cocksucking fucking bag. And I had the loudest slash quietest meltdown about it today because I'm really trying not to snap

during all of this shit. You know what I mean? It was one thing when I was snapping or whatever, but then everybody was you know, who gives a fuck that the bald clowns going on the road in two days. So it wasn't that big a deal. But now now it's like I'm just here. So if I flip out, it really fucking drives people up the wall. So I'm just making sure she saw this. I'm going to try to recreate what I said. I went, you know, I was trying to put the washcloths away and they're at the back of the closet and I could have just moseyed in there and set them down. But instead, I got to fucking reach all the way in over this, you know, leaning in over this fucking bag. It's killing my back. I go, it's fucking goddamn sick of this cocksucking

motherfucking bag of fucking shit, right? Fucking disease. Stop buying shit. So I've decided we have a we don't really have an addict as much as we have like a fucking crawl space. And I just looked at the little thing you push up. I am fucking tomorrow. I don't give a shit how much my shoulders are talking to me. I'm taking that fucking green bag at plastic fucking bag. No disrespect to Martha Stewart. Okay, she went to jail. She did it at time. She didn't flip on anybody, right? You're learning a big lesson there, right? You didn't rat anybody out. I'm taking that fucking bag and I'm sticking it up in the fucking attic. And you know what? This is this is every once in a while you have to rebel within your relationship.

Guess what? I'm not fucking telling her I'm doing it. I'm living dangerous. I ain't telling her I'm doing it. I'm taking that fucking bag. All right. I'm going to get my little step ladder. Four steps up and I'm taking that fucking green fucking bag and I'm sticking it up there. That's where it's going to live. I've learned that word from those fucking high end things. Um, I really want to smoke a cigar with that guy who's fucking building those incredible homes out there in Malibu. You know, he said to the lady, I'm a fucking beast. And he goes, and I'll tell you right now, he goes, if you don't do the job, something goes, he, she goes, if you screw up, I'm going to fire you. And then the woman goes, I don't screw up.

And I was sitting there going like, are they doing a table read of top gun right now? I was waiting for somebody to be called ice man. I never realized real estate had this level. We watch all of those things with that fucking German guy, the gay German dude. What's his name? That's my favorite there. Frederick or something. I don't know what the fuck his name is. I'm like, all caught up in this. This fucking guy just moved out to LA. He didn't let the other guy know. You know, I'm actually not good with the names because my, my favorite one is the gay dude who actually grew up in Los Angeles and loves Los Angeles and also drives the old cars. That's, that's the guy like the best. Everybody else I feel is just carving up this fucking town. He

actually, because one time he went to sell a house and he knew the history of the house and he wanted to make sure the right person got it. So they wouldn't gut it and stick a bunch of fucking Ikea and Home Depot shit in there. Anyway, I don't know what's happened in my life, everybody. I got nothing going on. Look at my wife won't even fucking respond to this. All right, we're at the end of the podcast here, people. I can't set something up and not have it followed through. Desperate times, desperate measures. Here we go. Come on, I'm calling her. Feel like on a morning like zoo show right now. We're going to call her at work and see what happens. That's two rings. Did you get my last text?

The voicemail, that voicemail. I've read both of those on the podcast and the listeners who evidently like you more than me want to hear your response. All right, think of a good one, sweetie, because I'm ending the podcast on it. All right, no pressure. We either end with a laugh or you get blamed. What? What did you say on the podcast before you revealed, you know, before you did those messages? Oh, I just read you. I just read your text. I said, oh, look at this text message. I go, I'm not even in the house. She's still telling me what the fuck to do. Oh, this should be a good one. There should be a good one. What the fuck did she say to me? I had my son's son hat on today. I just put it on my head because I knew it'd be funny,

but I was also, I had a bunch of this shit in my hand and she goes, you look like what she said. She said, I look like an egg with something on top. It was fucking really mean, but this is, this is how I, this is my belief. I didn't give a fuck how mean it is. If it's funny, then you got to laugh at it, right? I had somebody was getting trashed on the internet. She told me one of the things that they called her and I started, I just roared laughing. She was like, how could you do that? I'm like, come on. It's fucking hilarious. Who's trolling you fucking Archie Bunker? Who says that anymore? Anyway, no, it wasn't racial. It was anti-semitic. All right. Come on, Nia. The fans are waiting.

All right. One of these days, you know, when our life settles down in about 10 years, um, I'm going to have her on and discuss that fucking green bag. Come on, sweetheart. Jesus Christ. How fucking long does it take? I'm going to, I'm going to give her a Nia, we're waiting. How fucking long do you need to tell me to go fuck myself? All right. Send. I hope you guys appreciate this. This could turn into a real one. All right. See, the goal here was that she would just send it right back to me. I could end the fucking podcast and then I could fucking in my garage slash office, fucking, uh, work on my bottom triplets. That's what I wanted to do. Then I was going to have

an ice cream sandwich before I go to bed. There it is. There it is. Oh God. 40 seconds, people. Okay. Here we go. Press and play. First of all, you were the one that put the cauliflower in the trash can knowing goddamn well, it was all funky and tomorrow's trash day. So it's just like you should have put it in the trash can, one of the barrels to begin with, and I wouldn't have to say anything to you. And I would also like to point out that I had a baby on me all day and I, my body is still in recovery from Jesus Christ. Remember that? Remember how I gave you two children? How I sacrificed my body twice for you and this family? Yeah, you can take out the fucking trash. Okay. There's no fucking way we're ended on that. Sacrificed your body. Sacrificed

your body collectively for 18 months. What are you going to do to my wallet for the next fucking 44 years combined. I will not be sending that. Okay. You know, people every once in a while, you know, if you're a smart married guy, you got to let them win. She didn't even come with humor. Jesus Christ. I think she just tried to fucking meet to me. All right, I'm going to leave all of these. Well, you just took all the fun out of it. Here we go. Okay, that was stupid. I was, I was, I was away from I was in the fucking garage. Just supposed to be my safe space. And what did I do? I fucked the whole thing up. I should have just taken the gun. Fucking unbelievable. She should completely ignore that. I fucking put a

tape gun worth a tape around the fucking thing. It was in the fridge. You couldn't even smell it. Fucking thinking of smelling the goddamn, look at me. Now I'm talking to myself. It's unbelievable. That's unbelievable. But you know, you got to love them. How's your wife doing? Is she doing okay? You know, that's what they do. Yeah, check in with the idiot. I'm good to everybody. Don't fucking worry about me. I'll just take out the stinky fucking cauliflower and work myself to an early grave. Oh, Jesus. Is she fucking sending something else to me? Audio message. Oh, here we go. Audio message. What does it say? Audio message. Here we go. You know I'm right, though.

Okay, now I should be old enough not to engage, but I'm going to. Hey, dumb dumb, I told you I fucking took out a tape gun. I actually put it in the trash at first open and I was like, wait, it's going to stink up the kitchen. So I put a fucking, I took out the tape gun and went around the thing. It's sealed. All right, relax. But I'll go in there. I'll fucking throw it out. All right, you just fucking sit there and rest up. Okay. Watching you, you're watching those fucking whores selling those houses. Oh, there we go. All right, that'll do it. We'll leave it at that fucking goddamn fucking bullshit, you know. It's fucking unbelievable. When the fuck do they ever give it up?

I love that whole thing. I sacrifice my body. No, you had unprotected sex is what you did, and then nature took over. Stop acting like you're doing something. You're just laying there, letting it happen. Thank God I didn't send that on a voice text. All right, let's get the fuck out of here. Thank you so much for listening. Please enjoy the music picked out by the great Andrew Thamelis. There'll be another bonus bonus bonus bonus half hour of material from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast at Grace hits other episode. And that is it. Have a great weekend. You're cunts. And I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday,

July 11, 2012. How are you? What's going on? Oh, Jesus. I got a ton of shit to do tomorrow. Dude, you fucking sit every week. What? You think we're not busy? Go fuck yourselves. I got to go to the airport. So I'm doing this Sunday night. You know, doing all the pre airport stuff, wash the dishes, wash my fucking socks and underwears. I'm ready to go. You know, I had a great fucking weekend. I don't want to go on the road. You know, you think I want to get on another fucking Tweety Bird and go fly to some Godforsaken strip mall in the middle of fucking nowhere, which is basically the middle of nowhere to me at this point is anywhere that is not near my house. You know, they come to Chicago, what the middle of

fucking nowhere talking about the least second largest states in the union. What union is that, sir? The North American fuck away from me. You're an agent free Mason. Isn't it amazing how you can't talk when you're trying to adjust yourself? You just get that old person sound. Oh, Jesus. You know, trying to fucking readjust your man tits. I've been working out. I work out wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, little douche. I've been I am. Let's let's let's let's bring it down a little bit. Let's bring the tone down a little bit. Let's just ease it on in. You know, you're sitting there, right? Coming down from the sugar rust from that fucking curly you shouldn't eat that bear claw. Right. What else did you have?

What do you have the thing at the airport? What do they got there? The big fucking, you know, we look like it looked like a diabetic took a shit. What do they call us cinnabons? A lot of people don't know that. That's that's where they that's where they get their dough from. As when a little fat person takes a shit, they that's when you that's when you know you have to lose weight is when you just shit a cinnabon and you didn't you didn't eat one. It's not like it went straight through your system. Okay, it's that is just an amalgam of that is the waste of what you ate that day. You know something? Is it my goal to lose every female on this podcast? Any remote female listener? It's almost like this subconscious self self sabotage. I'm two minutes,

40 seconds into this fucking thing. And you know, I got to put that visual out there. You know, I probably lost not only all of the women, I lost some guys who are like in touch with their feelings. Anybody's remotely a human being. So now now it's just, now it's just us. It's just the sociopaths. Let's just let them slowly, you know, file out of the room. I thought it was gonna be something different. I did too. I like sweets. I don't shit, cinnabons. Sorry, I said the s word. My fucking dog. Cleo, I want your life. You know, what is your biggest decision? What room am I going to lay down

and go down and fucking go to sleep in? Is that what it is? You got a fucking spider web on my other remnants of a spider web. I can't figure out if all the spiders in my house like me or they don't like me. You know, because I kind of let them be when it gets a little ridiculous, you know, the size of the spider webs, because I figured that they're here for a reason that must mean I have other bugs here. And they're going to kill them. So like, I look at them like they're my like insect police squad, you know, and I'm the rich guy. Because isn't that what the what do you call them the fucking policemen are? Isn't that why they initially came about was to protect the rich people stuff? Just in case everybody working farm was like, Hey, uh,

how much is that base worth their fucking? What's what's a rich guy's name? Hg fucking cuntface. The hell what you know, they always had those names back then, not the cuntface part, but they always had the initials, right? You know, Hg Rockefeller JD Rockefeller, you know, JP Morgan, JP say, man, man, I don't care if kids with kids put my shoes together. Right. And they all talk like Edward G. Robinson for some reason, 30 years before even fucking was famous. Come on, Bill, get your shit together. I have a sugar rush right now. I had fucking spaghetti again. I've had it four times this fucking week. That's what happens when all your recipes that you got from your parents are for like 10 people, you know, and it's just you and

your goddamn dog, whatever you're making, you know, you make skinny, you're going to be eating that for fucking two weeks. I got fucking octopus coming out my fucking nose here. That was a soprano's version of Tony Montana. In case you were wondering, get knees out of town again this week, you know, I think she's slowly breaking up with me via vacations, you know, just sort of easing me into what it's going to be like when she's not here. And I gotta tell you, I'm doing fine. You know, I can't fucking do the laundry. I can't make spaghetti 10 times in a week. I don't need you. Ah, Jesus. What'd you do with your weekend, Bill? Well, I had too much to drink Friday night.

I'm back on the wagon, you know, back on the fucking wagon. I don't think this is an old, you ever hear that old joke where they say, uh, I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink like one. That's me. You know what I mean? I'm one of those guys. If I'm going to have a pizza, I'm going to eat the whole fucking thing. All right, let's save in some for later and maybe having it for breakfast and then talk about sports on ESPN. All right, then they have a show called cold pizza with Skip Bayless was always losing his shit about something. And do you guys buy, do you guys buy that guy? Do you buy his outrage? You know what I mean? I think his outrage is about as believable as Ice Cube's anger.

Ice Cube has had the exact same scowl on his face from NWA all the way to these cores like commercials. It is the exact, he has the exact same look on his face when he was talking about the man as he does when beer bottles take over his studio. You know, maybe he's just straight across the board angry. God knows I can relate to that, but there's certain people after a while, you got to be like, dude, you got to have another emotion in there. Don't you? Skip Bayless is another guy. I don't give a fuck if you said, Hey, you need air to breathe. He would somehow argue the other side, put his eyebrows up near his fucking game show host hair that he has. You know, is that his hair? It's got to be his hair. Either that or he went to like he got a,

do they make weaves for white guys? You know, if they made weaves for white guys, everybody would want skip Bayless's hair. I get it. If it came in some sort of, some sort of red, I'd get one, I get one in a second. I'd be hot in the summer though. You know, that's why I never get a fucking toupee. You know, just sitting there with your full head of fucking hair just slapped on there like a shingle scalp sweating underneath it. You know, what the fuck am I doing? You know, and then what at night I come home and I take it off. And I just look at my, just look at the landed strip on top of my head, right? Where, where, you know, the rest of my

face got sun. And then this, I got this blind, you know what I would, I would look like the globe. You know, on top of my head would be like the North Pole. You know, my chest would be the South Pole. And then my face would be the tropics. That basically it. I mean, that's basically the climates, you know, my nose would be some sort of mountain range coming down from fucking Alaska. Why do you guys listen to this stupid podcast? Um, anyways, so, oh, I didn't tell you this, I got a fucking, I got a, I got, I bought one of those, those giant green eggs to fucking Bobby Q. I bought one. The ugly is fucking sin, but they are the shit. This is not an advertising. This is a freebie. All right. People over at the big green egg in case you sell half

of one. Um, I love the goddamn thing. It looks like an unripe avocado. It's one of the ugliest things you've ever seen in your life. Okay. But they got a couple of gaskets. They got a seal here. It's a seal here and you run it up the alley. Um, no, I made some burgers and dogs. That's what I did first. And then there was this barbecue place that was going out of business or relocating. I don't know what was happening, but all I know was all their shit was, was half off. So I went down there and I got the thing for fucking ribs, right? Not baby back either. The fucking the good ones. You know, you just lay the fucking right over there. Okay. Doing ribs isn't even that hard. Those fucking douchebags you see on, uh, on, on the food channel talking about all the shit that

they do when they're sitting there with their little fucking baster. Hey, what do you do? You slather it with some shit that tastes good. You stick it in the fucking thing. And then you come back four hours later and you go, Oh, would you look at that? Oh, would you look at that falling right off the bone? Right? And then they eat it and then they always tell you it's good. Well, of course you're going to say that it's your fucking cooking show. Have you ever seen on a cooking show where a guy took a bite and was like, God damn it, I overcooked it. Dried that shit out. Well, you know, you win some, you lose some. Come on back next week, folks. Maybe I won't cook the shit out of this salmon. They never say that they always eat, you know, it's like,

and they always eat it too. And they're like running out of time. So before they take half a bite and they go, Oh, Oh, Jesus, I wish you could take you didn't even fucking chew it. You know what that's like? That's in in in the acting profession. I learned this when I did Glee. That's called playing the end of the scene. You know what I mean? Like if you, you know, if you read like your whole scene, you have to audition for right? And it's basically your character walks into a rental car place. You're supposed to have a fucking rental car. They don't have it. Then you flip out and you yell, right? And in the end, there's a big fucking yelling bullshit, right? The inexperienced actor comes in already fucking amped up. And it's like,

why are you already amped up? You're walking and expecting the fucking car to be there. You wouldn't already be mad. You're playing the end of the scene. That's what those cunts do in the food network because they're running out of time. Oh, fucking Susie mother and hips there, whatever the fucking name is who I said, I'd like to bang her before she highlighted her hair and did the whole fucking JLo thing where she toned down her fucking brunettish look on her face. You know what I mean? What's her name? Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray did the exact same makeover that fucking JLo did. Both of them were where where brunettes, brown eyes, big bushy fucking eyebrows. They did the same goddamn thing. They fucking they thin that shit

out. They threw a little through a little sun in their hair. Right? And all of a sudden, oh, wow, look, you jump it off the page. You know, you don't want to do an overcorrection though, you don't know overcorrect brunette. If you overcorrect brunette, you go right past blonde and into redhead. And then that's a slippery slope into albino. And you're not going to know who's going to see your fucking movie or watch you make some French dip. All right. So I'm not making fun of the profession that that's a very delicate process to take someone who has brown too much brown, you know, and they got to lighten them up in the eyebrow hair area. But what I always think, because I'm a fucking pervert is it's like, all right, you fucking, you know, you dialed in the

sun up top, what happened down bottom? You know what I mean? Because if your eyebrows are that fucking bushy, what in God's name is going down there? Going on down there and you in the slacks area? Did you get that highlighted? Is that going to match? You know, am I going to see who you really are when your drawers hit the floor, sweetheart? Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, that was a fun first fucking 15 minutes, wasn't it? How? Oh, hey, guess who's advertising this this week? Guess who's back? It's our old friends at pro flowers. Remember them way back on Mother's Day? Remember them on Valentine's Day? Well, now they're hitting us up every month. They want you to buy flowers every month. And I know what you're thinking. What the fuck would I do that for?

I don't know. But it's up to me as the pitch man that I have to somehow come up with an angle. I got to come up with an angle here. This is what you got to do. Okay, and I actually do this. Okay, so this is coming from my heart, not from the wallet. All right, this isn't the magic bullet here. This is coming straight up. All right, didn't make a right turn down to my ass, right to my wallet. It didn't. Okay. Every once in a while. Every once in a while. Oh, wait, Cleo's shifting. She's shifting and she's stretching and then that's it. She didn't get up. You look like a little pig. You know that little wild boar Cleo? Look at those thighs on you. Do you do squats when I'm not looking? Is that what you're so tired from all the time? Anyways, pro flowers, everybody. It's

July 4th. You could have given some to Uncle Sam last week, but it's too late for that now. Is that the original goatee, by the way? Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam looks like an old retired, like NBA player from the 70s, but somehow he's white. By then, by then whitey was getting pushed out of the league, wasn't he? All right, let's get back to the advertising here. Pro flowers. Pro flowers. It's July. It's July. You know what? This is what you got. You're in a relationship every once in a while. Just thought I know where you've got to give them some flowers. You know? Okay. You know, is it ever a wrong time to give your mother some flowers? Are you going to go visit them? Do you have a mother-in-law who just looks at you like,

why did you marry my daughter? You know? Give her some flowers. Maybe she'll lighten up. Either way, if you get a big enough arrangement, you don't have to look at her stupid face across the table when you sit down to eat. You know? If you don't like somebody, what better way to block their stupid face than to go out and get a bunch of flowers at proflowers.com? Just click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner. You type in the password burr, b-u-r-r, and they'll get the vase. They'll stick them in the water and they'll send it to that person. Love them or not, send them flowers, and that's the end. And the dismount. Oh, speaking and the dismount, you know, I was telling you that I was starting to put on weight again. Oh, Billy Fadigan,

you know? Billy McFadigan. And I decided that I was going to halt that and I was going to turn this bus around and try to get myself back in shape. And I've been doing all body weight stuff. Climbing the rope. I'm doing the pull-ups. I'm doing the dips. I'm doing what else you got there, whatever. I don't do chin-ups, though. Chin-ups are for girls. Pull-ups are for men. All right? In fact, I remember when Demi Moore played that chick who got her head buzzed down, G.I. Jane, right? She wasn't doing chin-ups. She was doing pull-ups because she was a marine, right? I think that was not the message of that movie. What was the message of that movie other than men are horrific? What is the guy version of that movie, like Hot Dog? Remember those

tit-and-ass movies they used to make when you first got Cable? All about ski bunnies and same premise. And now they're on the beach and there'd always be chicks just taking their tops off like that happens. You know, maybe it happens on the French Riviera. I don't know, but then they got hairy armpits. There's always something to balance it out. People, it's the ying and the yang. You know, I just completely forgot what I was talking about. I was talking about pull-ups. That's right. So I don't know if you guys have been listening, how long have you been listening to this podcast? I fucked up my abdomen on the right side about five years ago. I was at a Pittsburgh Pirates game. I was one of the few and I was there and I was

drunk as always. Alcohol always playing a role and I was drunk. I was drunk, Bill. And I was with Paul Versey who said, dude, I fucking called it. Look at the bridge. I said it. When they made this ballpark, I said, you know what they're going to do? They're going to have it where you can see the bridge from the home plate looking right out and there it is. You're not taking this one away from me. You're not saying I called it. Oh, look at the bridge. By the way, wait, I love when you guys send me tweets or Twitters or whatever the fuck you call them. Whenever Robbins and Cano does something and you make fun of Versey, that always makes me laugh. Like Cano will hit a double. Versey called it. He called it. He called it. I'm Paul Versey.

Do you want to be the guy who calls it? Well, all you need is my dude. I called it system. Number one, fucking call everything. Think about it. If you call everything, eventually something that you said will happen. Then what you do is you yell about it. You continue to yell about it. Hopefully until everybody forgets everything else that you called that did not happen. You know, it is at this point, the fact that Versey still talks about his call that Robinson Cano was going to be a Hall of Famer. He watched him like fucking three weeks and said this guy's going to be a Hall of Famer evidently, okay, which is absolutely asinine. Okay, unless you like Ted Williams, unless you're really a guy in baseball, you can you can look at those things. All right,

Versey is one of those guys. He wants to be the guy who said it first. So he just says shit first. You know, like if he was on the price is right, there's no way he would pass the first showcase. He wouldn't. He would bid on it because he wouldn't want that other person to bid before he did. That's what he would do. Did that make any sense? I don't give a shit. So anyways, I've been working out. That's what the fuck I'm trying to talk about. So this is how I fucked up my abdomen. All right, I was I was at the two thousand with this other comic Doug Sinye. I was with Paul Versey, do what I say, do what I say. And myself, I think Doug's brother, right? We all having a good time, drinking some beers, right? We're all talking

shit as old guys do. And next thing you know, I'm trying to show them that I can go into the pike position, hammered. All right, so I put my fucking hand on one seat, and then on one another seat, lift myself up. And then I bring my legs straight out in front of me like I had been doing. But I'm old. I didn't stretch. I don't know what happened, right? And then later on the night, I remember being drunk. And somebody we were skipping rope on a sidewalk and it had like a 45 degree fucking angle across from this place where a bunch of drunks were getting food. I felt a life of me. I don't know where we got the fucking jump rope. I don't know where we got it. I think somebody there had it from the gym. And then that's what it became. That's probably what it

became because I actually fucking went into the pike position. So then they will I can fucking skip rope, typical guy shit. All right. And I know this bugs the ladies, but you know something that's why there's air conditioning. Okay, that's why because of that shit, because that's how we're geared, I can do this, well, I can do this, well, I can do that fucking better. Right. And next thing you know, you got wall to wall carpeting. All right. So shut your face and make me a sandwich. Um, anyways, so the next morning I wake up and I don't it feels it felt like somebody took some sort of medieval, like if that Freddy Krueger glove dipped it in fire and then fucking raked right down the right side of me. So for years, I've been babying it. Finally. And one time I went

and I got I got a Rolft, I believe, which is a really deep fucking massage. It was really weird. It was the only person I found, although I was kidding who the first person I found, I just clicked on that. I went to that, that person's place and I went there and ended up being a guy doing it. And it was really fucking weird. It was just weird. I was like, we done yet? No, no, no, we still got more. You got to do the other side. But I think that's all right. Um, did it help? I don't fucking know. So you know what I finally just said? I finally said, I found is that is that homophobic, by the way, that I will only go to a girl to get a fucking massage unless I'm really hurt. You know, if I'm really fucking hurt and I'm just so fucking like

time I jacked up my shoulder, I just don't give a shit and just like just make the pain go away. Is that homophobic? You know, I bet if a woman did it was like, you know, I don't want, well, she would say I only want a girl. All right, so I'm a little homophobic. Go fuck yourselves. I got issues. Um, so anyways, so I finally, I finally just said, you know what? Why don't I just try pushing through the pain? Why don't I stop being such a fucking pussy? Just push through the pain. So you know, you know, those, those little wheels with the handles on them? I just started doing that. I do 10 reps a day. I wouldn't go too far. In like a week, the whole pain's gone, gone away. So you know, me, I can't be like, I was, well, fuck it now. Now I feel good. Is that

good enough for Bill? No. Now I'm on YouTube trying to learn how to do the human flag at fucking 44 years old. I'm literally going down the street to a stop sign doing my little, the little side things trying to build up the strength for what, for what purpose bill? You know, you got your health. Your, your, your core feels good again. Why are you going to go down there and just blow something else out? You're a fucking moron. You know, you're going to be right back on a table, get massaged by a dude. Um, all right, whatever. That's what the fuck I do. So this weekend, Nia's been away and uh, so I got this big green fucking egg thing and I got the, the, the, the, the table that came with it and uh, it took like a fucking month by the way to get that thing.

You know, I got the, I got the table where the egg sits in it because I hate that shit when you fucking barbecue and they give you that little, those two little looks like those trays that you know, that you have on like an airplane and you just set them down on both sides and that's supposed to take your whole fucking, you know, all the meat and then where do I hang the fucking spatula? I don't need that shit. All right. That guy, he's going to die in jail. I don't need that shit. Okay. Ain't happening to me. Hey, you stopped dealing that shit. Um, you know, so I watched Goodfellas the other day and I think, uh, I think what the fuck's his name. I'm starting like him the best in that movie. What the fuck's his name? Paulie? Paul Sorvino. I loved, I loved that fucking

thing when he told him not to deal drugs and he's telling him how that guy's going to die in jail. Okay. That ain't happening to me and stupid, sweaty piece of shit. Henry Hill, the fucking rat, by the way, I didn't get one when the real Henry Hill died. Why people like they kind of confuse their love of that movie and kind of forgot that this guy ratted out all his friends. You know, I mean, if that movie is accurate, right? I mean, I know he ratted out his friends, but I don't know if that's the exact reason why he did. Was it because he was fucking dealing drugs? Was there a guy saying, don't do it? Am I going to keep asking questions? So anyways, I get this table for this fucking thing and, uh, you know, it comes, comes here

like a newborn baby fucking naked, right? It's not stained. It's got nothing on it, right? So I gotta, I gotta deal with all that bullshit. I've been doing that the whole fucking weekend and doing it the right way too, by the way. I stained on top and the bottom. I know a lot of you weekend warriors. Yeah, you're like, fuck that. I ain't doing that. Nobody looks under there. Dude, if any water gets on that part of the fucking table, the whole thing's going to be underground underwater. I'll go fuck yourself. I did the whole thing. Two coats, one Friday, one Saturday, and then today I did the fucking, the varnish. And I gotta tell you, man, that's a bitch of a job. It's just tedious, fucking tedious,

especially if you do the underneath too. I'm sitting there laying on my back like fucking Fonzarelli, you know, just fucking laying there working on this shit. And I gotta tell you, a lot of times I was going to tap out and just be like, you know what? I'm not going to do this the right way. I'm just going to do this stuff the fuckhead way. And I didn't. And I was happy. I was proud of myself. And you know what? I'm going to show it to Nia and I'm telling you, if she fucking says, why did you pick that color? Why didn't you do this color? Right? I'm going to take what's left of that fucking stain and I'm going to dump it over. I would never do that. You know what? I'll do it to myself. I'll become the martyr. And then we'll see what she

has to say. So anyways, I got this fucking egg and I'm going to make ribs and all this shit and somehow still be able to do the human flag as I, as I'm going to fucking, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to buy like a fucking bison off of eBay and freeze that son of a bitch and cook it, slow cook it for the rest of the summer. That's going to be it. I'm going to get fat. Girl's going to get fat. My dog's going to get fat. And I'm going to have a whole new hour of material and want to tub a shit I am. That's how great that thing is. All right, let's plow ahead with the podcast everybody. If you're new to the podcast and you would like to send me an email. If there's a topic you'd like me to discuss, go off on it for you or possibly

you want to give me shit. You're probably saying, Bill, where the fuck do I do that? You go to bill at the mmpodcast.com. That's where you email me bill at the capital M capital M capital P oddcast.com. All right, that's it. And oh, before I get into this shit, I'm going to be in Washington DC tomorrow night, not tomorrow night, Tuesday night at the DC improv celebrating their 30 years in the business by telling my dick and shit jokes. And then this weekend I will be at Hampton Beach in New Hampshire Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino, one of my favorite venues that I do. Led Zeppelin played there. One of the few small venues that they played on their quick little tea party tour that they did before they just blew up. And then I'll be at the Newport Yachting

Center in Newport, Rhode Island. I know that sounds fancy, but I swear to God, it's an air conditioned tent in a parking lot. You know, when you walk out the tent, you can see a bunch of yachts, but I'm not on one. It sounds good though. All right. Okay, here we go. First one, first one out of the gate, validation son's mother is a nut job. This is coming from my nut job. That's an East Coast tool. She's a fucking nut job. All right, dear Billy boy. Did I just fuck this thing up? Come on. Come on. I need life here. Here we go. All right, dear Billy boy. A couple of months ago I split up with my son's mother. We weren't married. So I basically packed my shit up and my son's stuff and moved out. We hadn't been getting we hadn't been getting along for a while

because she didn't help me out with our son and was texting all the time. That's what she was doing. She was texting all the time. She's probably talking to the other guys. She's probably fucking. Sorry, didn't need to put that out there. The night before I moved out, I received the text talking about treating her better than I did. I asked to see her phone and she wouldn't let me. So I moved out the next day and she spent the night with some dude that same night I moved out. Yeah, dude, let me tell you something right now. If your girl isn't paying attention to you and she's texting all the time, she's talking to the dick that she's riding. Okay, so unless yours is vibrating, she ain't texting you. All right. Okay.

Anyways, next night. The next night this guy started living with her. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so she had a full on relationship going on the side. So we were pretty much through. But a couple weeks later, it was Mother's Day and she told me what my son wanted me to get her. My son is two years old and doesn't really talk a whole lot. So she was telling me what she wanted. I told her to go fuck herself because I wasn't getting her shit. There you go. Good for you. She told me that she was still the mother of my child and I should get her something. Jesus Christ is this people who use that kind of guilt who you actually use like the children. The fuck is wrong with you? Anyways, also I had paid the rent right before I moved out.

And when I found out this guy was staring staying there the night I moved out, I canceled the rent check and also got my name off the lease. Oh, there's a nice one, two to the fucking jawbone. I know I did the right thing. Please tell me that you agree that this chick is fucked up in the head too. Oh, and since I moved out, she sees our son one or two days a week tops. So to me, she's a shitty mother who didn't deserve a didn't deserve a gift. Go fuck yourself. PS, when you come into the Kansas City area. All right. Well, granted, I just heard your side of the story. But yeah, sounds like the way the picture you're painting there, sir. Absolutely. Look, the fact that the day you move out, she bangs another guy and then the other person

moves in. I mean, I think you got a good. I think you got a good that's there was nothing but victory in there. As far as I see, you didn't marry or you didn't love her. You knocked her up, you toughed it out, you tried to do the right thing. There was no love there to sustain it in the end. And in the end, she was doing what she wanted to do. She was trying to find love somewhere else and she's probably relieved that you're gone. I will tell you this though, the fact that you have a kid with her, she's going to be in your life for at least another 16 years until this kid's 18 years old. So she could make your life really fucking miserable. Don't ask me how I don't know they find a way it's what they do. So you know that this one you're right if she gives you

shit, just do that. Listen, I move out and that night you bang another guy and the next day, you know, the guy moved in. Okay, I can do the math. Am I really supposed to sit here and believe that you didn't have a relationship going on while we were still together? And then you want me to go out and buy you a fucking flowby? Really? Is that what you're telling me? Well, scream it into your cunt because on that list, Jesus, come on. Surprise, we're getting a divorce. All right, here's a new story. All right. Hey, Bill, I know you have you aren't a therapist, but I think I just want to talk to anyone at this point. So here goes, I've been married for just under four years to my wife who I dated for four years prior to marriage. I love being married. And I've said that to anyone that

asks since day one, we own a nice house together, we have three dogs pit bulls to good man, and both make a decent living. I share everything in my life with my wife. When something makes me happy, she knows when I'm upset about something, I tell her throughout the course of our relationship about once a year, she would suddenly without warning say she she was unhappy and has been for months. Oh God, here we go. She says she has discussions with her mom who loves me and is the sweetest woman alive and close friends about the things that make her unhappy. But I never hear a word about it until it boils over and she floors me with how unhappy she is. Well, that's not fair. All right, we tried to work it out though. Make changes. She would act like it was okay

while bottling it up again. Once the lid goes on the bottle, there's no opening it again. Each and every time she calls the unhappiness state of the union meeting into session, I've always been completely honest in saying that I'm very happy with her. I love our jokes and honesty and joy honestly enjoy spending time and Bob Bob Jesus Christ do get to the fucking point. All right, last Wednesday, here we go. We had a good night together. We went out for dinner and ice cream and laughed at about a Bob Bob boss. So I thought I'd come home the following night in general great mood and she told me she had talked to her mom and a friend and that they recommend that she talked to me I was confused. More shit about not being unhappy.

Anyways, I wanted anything to make her happy but she told me she didn't think there was anything. It was very emotional as she finally mustered up the courage to say that we might need to get separated. I was floored and not in an ominous whole husband that sits around drinks beer and watches football with his buddy way. I love my wife. We have free. Okay, dude. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So the following day after much reluctance, I get her to agree to try marriage counseling so we can work out our happiness. Dude, I'm not giving you shit that this is you're pouring your heart out because this shit just happened. I understand. But for the sake of the listeners, I got to pull fly through this. I get to agree with her. I get to I get it. Okay.

So the following day, it's like Lord of the Rings here after much reluctance, I get her to agree to try marriage counseling so we can work out her unhappiness. I was willing to do anything at this point. I immediately scheduled an appointment with the counselor. And I was looking forward to having someone neutral for us to talk to. Later that night, we were laying in bed and I asked her if there was someone else in her life. She said no. Yeah, dude. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. We just went over the waterfall, folks. Or we're we know it is no no in this story, we're hearing the waterfall. And we've just looked at the other person in the raft with a panic look on our face for that split second before we tried it desperately,

but futilely try and paddle the fucking thing over to the goddamn coast. Okay, here we go. We're going over. I got a feeling we're going over. She said no, there's no one else in my life. I asked if she's ever been unfaithful in our relationship. And she adamantly said no again. Then she turned out the light and laid down to sleep. Five minutes later, she sat up and turned the light on. Oh, fuck. She told me she just lied to me and said that she had messed around with someone a year into our marriage. And he writes in capital letters what period the period fuck period. I probed her to tell me what messing around was. That's got at least be a blowjob.

Oh, fucking whore. And after a minute of me guessing, her silence told me that she went down on a guy she works with. Oh, swear to God, I hadn't read this. Oh, if I was versey right now, dude, what I say, you heard me, you heard me with the fucking creep. I was furious. And hurt then furious again, she cried and cried and said she was sorry. We cried together. Dude, you're a bigger man than me. While I tried to wrap my head around how she could possibly have done that to me. I've had casual flirting with people over the years, but to act on something physically with someone other than your spouse is completely disgusting to me. The worst part is I love this woman more than anyone. She's been here we go again. She's been my best friend for the last

eight years. She knows everything about me. I want to hate her and make her sleep at her parents' house until we divorce. But all I want to do is be near her again. Yeah, dude, that's because yeah, dude, she she was in the hurry up offense. That's what happened here. So now you're scampering trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. And you know, she has the next three plays that she just called in the huddle. That's why this this is why it sucks to be you right now. One of my close friends tells me what I know is the right thing. He goes, let it go. Don't bother with counseling. What else has she done that you don't know about? How can you ever trust her again? Bill, is it possible for me to forgive my wife? Am I wasting my time?

Also, I find out who this guy is and I really wish I hadn't. Yeah, dude. Of course, all I wanted to do was show up at the job and beat the shit out of him like Ed Norton beats the blonde pretty boy up in Fight Club. He writes, I wanted to destroy something beautiful. My other thought is since this guy also cheated on his girlfriend, who we still with my he did it with my wife. I threatened to tell his girlfriend what he'd done, but not actually do it. Yeah, you don't want to do that. That way he'd live in fear of coming home and her knowing everything because I told her, or he would try to beat me to it and admit to it. Hopefully ending his relationship and getting terminal cancer and AIDS terminal cancer and AIDS. And you know what? You're still being a

gentleman. I still think that you're handling this with class wishing terminal cancer and AIDS on this guy. I know you don't give a shit. Of course I give a shit, but not occupy, but I've got to occupy my mind. So I thought I do it here. Yeah, dude, why would you think I don't give a shit? You know, I mean, I'm not a friend of yours, but you know what I mean? Give me a fucking break. This is horrific. All right, your first question builds it possible for me to forgive my wife. Eventually you're going to have to or you're going to go on a fucking tear and you're going to meet some really damaged fucking women and they're going to reinforce everything that you've now found out about your wife. So you can't do that. You're going to go on a

fucking hate fuck pussy spree that is, yeah, you don't want to do that. He said, am I wasting my time? Yeah, dude, it's over. She's not happy. She's not good at communicating. She puts a lid on it, you know, until it boils over. This is the deal, dude. You know what? I, this is going to kill you. All right, let's go with the positive. You don't have any kids with her. Okay. You can just walk away. Okay, we had a problem and there was, there's nothing we can do. It's over. He didn't make it. You just fucking walk away. Just walk away. It's over. All right. That's a good thing. All right. The one thing you've had a bunch of kids with this fucking, this person who for whatever reason, couldn't say that they were on. I don't think that she

won't even want to fucking marry you. I think she ignores her feelings. She's actually having a fucking breakthrough right now while stomping all over your fucking heart. All right. Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't fuck her. Give me a break, dude. You fucking, you loved her with all your heart. You say your mother's a sweetheart. You got dogs. You like communicating, dude. You know something? You're like a fucking guy. You're the guy my girl wants me to be. Every fucking woman wants a guy like that. You know, guy who actually wants to be married, guy who actually comes home and communicates. You know, a guy who gets along with the mom and all that type of shit. You're a family man. All right. Unfortunately, you know,

you met the wrong person. So forget that, dude. All right. Forget it. Forget it. Fuck that. Fuck that. It's over. Walk away. Walk away, dude. Give me a fuck about you. You know what you're talking about there? You're talking about like the amount of fucking shit she has to go through before she even learns how to just communicate or fucking emotions and the frustration of that's going to mean every once in a while she's going to blow somebody at work. Are you wasting your time? Apps of fucking Lutely. Okay. Apps of fucking Lutely. And as far as like going there and trying to fuck over that other guy, that other guy is he's already you don't need to fuck him over. He's fucking himself over. He's living that he's living a life of misery. That life is miserable.

To fuck around with the person that you with with somebody else that is a miserable life. You know, I don't know. I think it's something that a lot of guys do myself included back in the day in my twenties going into thirties trying to fucking, you know, figure myself out. I lived that life that whole fucking double. It's horrible. It's a fucking horrible thing. And in the end, I ended up alone. And I heard a lot of people and I was a complete piece of shit. So and believe me, dude, it was miserable and ended up me with me on a fucking futon. So yeah, dude, you're you know, don't become a piece of shit now. Don't judge other women like that.

Just fucking, you know, yeah, get out of it. Get out of it and just know that it's going to be a fucking, I don't know, it's going to be 100 yards of pain that you never fucking dealt with in your life. And you just got to go through it. And I would say the next time you get with somebody make, you know, you're going to get serious with somebody, you make goddamn sure that they know how to fucking communicate. Because that's that's a scary thing to get with a woman who does not communicate, because that's something that they're supposed to teach us how to do, you know, in a way, they make you better because

you're like, Oh, oh, I can just say, no, I don't feel like doing that without fucking punching the wall. You know, they do that side of sell you down. If you get with some psycho and she can't settle you down, I mean, she's, she's damaged goods. Dude. All right, here we go. Next one. These things just keep getting deeper asexual. This is from a plant or something. Dear billion, this is a bit of change from the emails you usually get. But I hope you can help me out anyways. I'm a 26 year old guy, completely normal in every way except for one. I'm asexual. For your listeners who don't know what that means, it means I don't feel any sexual dot desires at all. I never have. Take a moment to wrap

your head around that one. I think I'm gonna need more than a moment. Do let me ask you this, what do you do with all your free time? You know, how many fucking languages can you speak? You ever think about that? How much fucking shit you would get done if you weren't chasing it all the goddamn time? All right. But believe it or not, I do have a girlfriend. We've been together for four years. So what do you do to get aroused? Think about like when it's over? I'm really being a dick right now. I'm sorry. Before that, we were friends for about another five years. We both helped each other through some rough shit and eventually decided that we wanted to be more than friends. She's the first girl I've ever known who made me wish I wasn't asexual. She knew all

about it when we started dating. So there were no surprises. In fact, she's been really cool. We joked about it a lot. And when we did have sex, which was once or twice a month, I did everything I couldn't make it good for her. This is like fascinating. So like, what are you thinking of? You know, three more minutes and she should be happy. Row, row, row your boat gently down the street. But lately things have been different. It wasn't a sudden change but something I just noticed recently. She doesn't joke around about sex as much as she used to and we now have sex once every two or three months. Our emotional bond is still as strong as ever. In fact, just last week we were talking about marriage. But I have a feeling in my gut that she might be fucking

another guy. I know her well enough to know that having sex four times a year is nowhere near enough for her. The thing is, it wouldn't bother me if she was fucking someone else. I know she has needs that I can't fulfill. So I'd be willing to have a pinch hitter come in and get the job done for me. Jesus, talk about a fucking 180 from the last story. Sorry, I had to pause and do the math and just make sure that I didn't say the wrong number. Sometimes, yeah, it was a total 360. No, that was a 180. I just wanted to know about it. I've wanted to ask her about it but I'm worried about what will happen if I'm wrong. What should I do? I love this girl that get death and I never forget myself if I fuck up a good thing we have together.

Dude, that's outside my, totally outside my bounds. I don't know what to tell you. I would start going to therapy alone first and then possibly bring her in. I don't know anything about being asexual. So that would be my advice. If you want to fix that problem and that type of thing, but I don't know. I feel like I'll let you down, dude. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to sit here and fucking run my yamplack. I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about to begin with. I definitely don't know what I'm talking about with that. I would go get some fucking therapy and just say, I don't know what it is. I don't fucking, nothing gets me going. And then hopefully you go to some asexual specialist. Jesus, I'm the worst. Sorry,

I let you down. I'll give you a podcast magnet next time I see you. All right, 27 year old virgin. Jesus Christ. Hey, Billy, I'd love to hear your humorous take on my pathetic situation. First of all, dude, let's work on your self-esteem. All right, you're already shitting all over yourself. All right, watch this guy. Watch him shit all over himself. I'm a 27 year old virgin. That's what he wrote. Now, your first question is going to be how the fuck did that happen? Well, to protect myself, I'd actually prefer to keep my background as quiet as possible. Hey, I'm not trying to get you to rat yourself out. Here's what I can say. I come from a rich town inhabited by obnoxious cunts. I was always the weird kid and very socially awkward. People hated me no matter

how nice I was. Jesus Christ, dude, are you like a superhero? That's like the exact same background of like every fucking superhero movie, isn't it? It's probably because nerds write those movies because they don't know how to fight and all of a sudden they're like, what if I knew how to play? What if I could fly? What if there was a guy who could save me? And then they draw it. And then nerds line up around the block to go see it. Do you see the new Spider-Man? Yes, it's exactly like the other ones. I was always the weird kid and very socially awkward. People hated me no matter how nice I was. And eventually I came to hate myself and still do. I called it. Dude, I fucking called it. He's shitting all over himself. Eventually,

it was discovered that I most likely have a mild case of Asperger's syndrome, which is a mild form of autism, which is way out of my league. Are you guys trying to make me look dumb? I thought I did that. I achieved that by how awful I read out loud. Here we go. That causes social ineptitude and quirky personality traits. Well, I would go find a hooker with Asperger's. That's the first thing I would do and get the fucking V off my back. Definitely wear a condom. See, that's where my advice is going to be coming from. You guys have some weird conversation in some ironic vehicle. At least discovering this made me more of self-aware and I've been able to clean up my act over the last few years, but I still have a lot of social anxiety and shyness

and very few friends on the flip side. I'm actually pretty decent looking. Have a decent job in a laboratory. He's a fucking, he's going to get bit by something radioactive and he's going to become a superhero. And I'm a certified commercial pilot and do volunteer work. Dude, like, you know something? If I was in the FBI, like so many fucking red flags just went up there. Okay, that's the setup now. Now for the question. First, what the fuck would you do if you were in my situation? I told you I'd get a hooker with Asperger's syndrome and you guys could just bond over that. I don't know. Let me read all your questions. I'm obviously kidding about trying to find a hooker with Asperger's syndrome,

all right? You couldn't find one. That would be like needle in a haystack. What you'd have to do is go to an escort service and request that personally. I would think. I'm looking for 36, 24, 36 with Asperger. Hair color does not matter. Yes, I can hold. Next, if eventually I ever do make it anywhere with the chick, should I tell her upfront about my status? I had this conversation a few weeks ago with a friend who has a lot of romantic experience and she said it would be extremely obvious that I'm new to the game and that withholding that information could itself be detrimental. But I also know that if I do tell a chick I'm 27 year old virgin, she will demand an explanation before going any further and it will send up red flags for the most. What do you do,

Bill? Thanks for doing your awesome podcast and go fuck yourself. All right, this is what I would do. I would just start hitting on every chick that fucking interests me and I would be just totally honest. Tell him, tell her what your, your, your situation is and you know, if she doesn't accept it, then fuck her. Let her walk and then you don't have to deal with any of the bullshit. You just, you just fast forwarded through a three year fucking horrific relationship. I would just be up front with people. I wouldn't open it with, hey, you have beautiful eyes and I have Asperger. I wouldn't do that. You know, I would work on my self esteem. I wouldn't talk shit. You just, you shit on yourself right out of the gate. I mean, obviously I knew you're going to do that

when you said you were a 27 year old virgin and you're probably going to go that route. But think good thoughts about yourself, man. I know that's kind of like simple, but I, you know, you gotta like, you gotta amp yourself up a little bit. Go out there and you know, you don't have to go find the chick of your dreams, but just go out. You don't gotta tell some girl you got fucking Asperger syndrome. You don't. Why don't you just do that with somebody that you're really interested in, but you just want to go out and get laid. Just go out there, start hitting on chicks, turn it into a game. So you don't have to deal with the pain of the rejection. Just be like, all right, I don't have the balls to take the next step. Whatever that step is, peeling yourself

off the fucking wall, striking up a conversation, just saying hello to a pretty girl. She walks down the street. Just try to get over that fucking hurdle and give yourself permission to suck. And you just, you gradually build it up. It's like learning how to play guitar. You're not going to pick it up and immediately be able to play all your songs. You learn a couple of fucking chords, you know, then your fingers hurt, right? And you get frustrated, but you keep coming back and eventually you can fucking play. Pussy is no different. That's what I would do. Put the Asperger on the back burner. Who knows, dude, maybe you're not as fucked up as you think you are socially. You know what I mean? Maybe you got a sense of humor under that. I think you do.

You have shit on yourself in a funny way. You don't spin it around that way. Do you have any interests? Go, go to a, go to a fucking, I don't know, whatever, you know, you fly kites, go to some flying the kite convention. There's got to be some woman there who also likes kites. I know that was an overly simplified thing, but that's what I would do. All right. And then when you go to like hook up with somebody, uh, they, you know, and yeah, tell them if you're starting, you're not, don't know what you're doing to watch a couple of fucking porno's, you know, you'll get the idea. Actually, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Because then you'll fucking start slapping them around. Yeah, don't do that. I don't have to tell

you dude, right? Get, buy some books. I say, go buy some, buy some books in that, that, uh, that, that part of the bookstore that, you know, if bookstores exist anymore, go on, go online. There's got to be plenty of information. I bet if you literally looked up finger banging technique, if you looked how to kiss, I bet this is just going to be reams of fucking information. I've never done that because I never had to. Oh, just kidding. Of course I had to. You think that I didn't wish that fucking information was around? Wait back in the day when you had no idea, you just practice it, kissing your fucking pillow and try to overhear conversations in the fucking high school cafeteria

and try to figure out what people were talking about. That's all I could do. You have, you have the whole world to your fingertips, you know? So when you're done in the laboratory working with radioactive shit before you get bit by something, you know, why don't you go on and get laid before you learn how to fly? All right. All right. Personal dilemma. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Read my fucking letter. I got some problem. Oh, look who's up. Look who woke up. What's up, buddy? How are you? You want to go outside? Want me to make my dog how? This is Cleo. You want to go outside? Cleo.

She's dancing around. Cleo. Cleo. Do you try to go low? Cleo. Come here. Cleo. You know what I feel right now? I feel like I'm in that Bugs Bunny cartoon and that bullfrog is singing Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. You know, you guys are here so she won't do it. Cleo. Now she's licking herself. I'm not going to fucking be able to top that. All right. Personal dilemma. Hey, Bill. A few days ago, a good friend of mine lost her dad in a motorcycle accident. Jesus Christ. Is there any ray of sunshine at the end of these? We started off. Well, let's let's just rewind here. Let's see where the fuck we, how we got to this point.

All right. Started off validation. My son's a nut job. That was kind of whatever. Surprise. We're getting a divorce. I blew somebody at work. Holy shit. Then we go asexual, fucking whip that around and then we go hit the 27 year old virgin. Now, now we're talking about death. Okay. And none of this am I qualified to talk about. Um, Bill, a few days ago, a good friend of mine lost her dad in a motorcycle accident. It's obviously an incredible emotional time for her and her mother, much younger brother and her family, her dad. This is such an awful joke. Did they tear that sticks? His stick figure like picture off the back of the SUV. Sorry. I had to lighten it up. I had to lighten it up. I'm sorry. All right. Her dad loves his motorcycles and would

take it across the continent with his body and his wife and he had his kids on dirt bikes since they were young. Everyone is giving all the support they can and will continue to do so in time during this tough time above. Last week, my buddy and I both bought our first motorcycles and have been really excited to get it out on the road. We both put over 15 grand into not only our bikes, but riding gear and two courses. Obviously, this is pretty bad timing and we can't cancel or reschedule the first course or else we both give a grand to these dicks for nothing. The course is next weekend and we're not sure whether or not we should go under the circumstances. If the funeral falls within that weekend, it's obviously more important, but if not, should we take the course?

I told her about the bike and dude, this is fucking hilarious. This is fucking hilarious. This guy is trying to act like he really cares about this guy and he's trying to weigh whether I go take my Fonzarelli course or go to the fucking funeral. I thought the stick figure was a bad joke. Now I don't feel bad about it. All right. I told her about the bike and courses before the accident. So hiding it really isn't an option. I don't think she would want us anywhere near a bike after this. Oh, okay. I see what you're doing. All right. I strike that strike what I just said. I've been close with this girl for a while and I don't want to do anything that might make the situation work. Worse, my buddy and I both know this sounds incredibly fucking

selfish and if we had the option of even rescheduling, we would have done it, but a grant to a student is a lot of money and we don't want to give it to these pricks. I love how these guys are pricks. How are they pricks? These they're not pricks. They have a business. They said what it was up front. They didn't jack it up. You paid it for them. You're trying to make them out to be the bad guys here. But we also want to offend and make her and maybe make offend her and maybe make things worse. If that's even possible at this point, what should we do? Thanks, dude, you want to go to this fucking course in the worst way. You give a shit, you care, but you don't want to lose your fucking money. Yeah, I mean, 1000 bucks is 1000 bucks. I don't know what to tell you. You got to

answer that one on your own, dude, but you want to go. You definitely want to go. If there was a way for you to go and not go to the funeral without getting in trouble, you would fucking do it in a second. And it has nothing to do with those fucking pricks with their business. All right, you know, who's kidding who dudes with all the fucking dancing and skipping around there. You want to fucking go learn how to ride a motorcycle. You're $15,000 motorcycle. All right, with your punky Tuscadero outfit, you want to go put that on. Is there a way for you to fucking go to the course and then come back? Dude, this is what you do. You go take the course that day. All right, and hopefully the funerals at night. And right as the service starts here,

you come flying back on your bike and then a tribute to that guy died on a motorcycle. You come through right through the fucking church doors on the motorcycle. And when everybody fucking gasped, you just yell out, that's the way he would have wanted it. He would have wanted he died doing what he loved. And I brought my Viking air as a tribute. And I went to that class because I knew he would want me to do that. So don't even look at me that way. All right, continue on with the service. That's what you do. All right, that's my advice if you're going to fucking do it because I know you want to do it. What you're wrestling with right now, sir, is the selfish cunt within you. And I'm not judging you. I'm, I'm relating.

Good luck. All right, smart chicks. Oh wait, I haven't done any advertising this week. All right, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, I forgot to mention this. Today's show is brought to you by, I feel like I'm on Sesame Street, the number three in the letter L. Today's show is brought to you by audible. Please visit audible podcast.com slash bill for your free audio book download. Do you like books, but don't want to read them? They got a free audio book download for you at audible podcast.com slash bill. Look at that. I give you bad advice. Yet I bring it around with free stuff. Okay. What are we doing here? What am I doing here? audible podcast.com slash bill. Go there, get a free audio book download, check out their website, listen to the podcasts and all

that type of stuff. Have a good time with that. There we go. Can you tell? Can you tell I'm trying to look for other stuff here as I'm doing this? Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Eric Clapton, hang on. That's sent mail. I wanted to go into the inbox. Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, Jesus. Guess who's back? Stamps.com, everybody. Stamps.com. Okay, let's get through this one because I know you guys got to have this one memorized at this point. Do you guys like going to the pod, to the podcast, to the post office? Huh? Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but wouldn't it be nice that that was one more thing off the list of things to do that day? You could just cross off. Wouldn't it be great if you just could handle it within your own

apartment, home or sleeping bag? Wouldn't it be great if you could print official US stamps off of your computer? What if they gave you a little scale? You got to buy the hat, but what if they gave you a little scale? You could, you could just weigh boxes, put official US postage, take it right out to the post office box. You could do it two in the morning while eating cereal, watching reruns of the Jefferson's. Well, you can do that at stamps.com. Anything you can do at the post office, you can do right now from your desk with stamps.com. Unlike the post office, stamps.com never closes. So you get postage whenever you need it 24 seven. I've been using these things, sending all my DVDs through stamps.com. I love using my scale and all that type of stuff. You

get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer. It includes a digital scale and up to $55 in free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B U R R that stamps.com enter Burr, B U R R. There we go. What else do we got? The last two, you want to get them out of the way? Amazon.com. You know the deal. Go to billbird.com slash podcast. Okay, or billbird.com. You click on the podcast page and you look on the right side, you'll see the Amazon banner. You click on that. And if you want to buy something, if you buy something, not saying you have to, they kick a little bit of money to me and I take 10% of that and I kick it to the Wounded Warriors project. Actually, to be honest

with you, what I'm starting to do is just 10% of everything I make on this, all this advertising. I'm just sending to the Wounded Warriors project. So if you do any of this stuff, you're going to be helping out vets and this podcast. It's a win-win. You can feel good about yourself. Game, if not saying you don't already. All right, gamefly.com. Are you a gamer or do you just look like one? Gamefly.com offers over 8,000 video games. They send discs in the mail to you and you can send them, you can send them back when you're done. There's no late fees, no hassles me in with access to all new releases, works for your PlayStation, Nintendo, Wii, Xbox, and now your PC. For my listeners, 8,000 video games at your fingertips. Second you're done, you can send

them back like a bunch of whores you never loved to begin with and keep the one, keep the special ones. You keep that one. You keep the soulmate games. For my listeners, you can get a free 15-day two-disc trial, 22.95 value. If you go to my website podcast page and click on the Gamefly banner or go to www.gamefly.com. Check it out. There you go. Look at that. Post office is in your house. 8,000 video games in your house. Audible podcast.com. You got that going on. Send some flowers to your check. You're going to have a great week. You're going to have a great week. Oh, look, I'm going to go buy a widget on Amazon.com. You just helped out the troops. Who's a hero? You are. Not me. Not me. I'm just a messenger. I'm just a, I'm an open channel. I just let it flow right

through me. All right, smart chicks. Bill, you're an American hero. Who are you talking to? Me for what? If I did, I must know somebody at the American Hero Awards, nepotism. My dad started it. So he just gave me one. Um, smart chicks, smart chicks. My girlfriend dumped me because she could sniff out my BS before he even realized it smelled. She was definitely smarter than me because after I was through pouting about being dumped, I realized she was right. That's very mature. You know, you're not that dumb. There's a lot of smart guys, you know, that can't do, they think Albert Einstein would do that. Some chick who's smarter than him. He could fucking handle that with his Phil Spector haircut before Phil Spector.

Tom Selleck mustache. All right, so here's my question. How do I make smart chicks dumber? Thanks for your help. Don't go fuck yourself. Fuck others. Okay. This guy's a wise ass. I like him. How do you make smart chicks dumber? Um, all right, this is what you do. I don't care who they are. They got to have some sort of physical thing that you can tell it there that they're sensitive about. Okay. Maybe they have little arms like that little hot Italian chick on the food network, you know, every time she goes to reach something like her arms are always totally straight or else she can't get it. Yet she somehow like five foot two. That's what you do. You just look for something. Okay. And then you focus on that anytime she starts being smarter,

you bring up her little arms, you know, you back, you gradually destroy her spirit. That's how you do it. Now, do you want to do that? I hope you don't. Because if you do, then seriously go fuck yourself. Oh, sorry. Anyways, let's go. The lemon's Bill, would you rather gain a three pack a day smoking habit or have to wear a dress for the rest of your life? I take a dress all day long. I take all fucking day long. I would get some fucking fruity smell and shampoo to wash what's left of my hair. And I'd wear right where it down the street, you know what I would do? I would start hanging out in coffee houses and act like I played guitar and I probably get more ass than I ever did. As opposed to fucking three pack a day

smoking habit. There's no fun. I don't want to do that. Then what die earlier? I'll be on my death bed going, I should have wore a dress. Still be alive. The Bruins still in first place. Fuck. I know they're going to win it again. Would you rather have a third nipple in the center of your chest or a third testicle? Oh, without question, I take the third ball all day long. Who the fuck is going to see it? You know, and then if I ever get kicked in the balls, I got one that can get out of the way. So maybe it can like somehow offset the pain of one. It only feels like, like when Lance gets kicked in the balls. Does that make any sense? I mean, I don't know. When is a girl really gonna, when does a girl really even look at

your balls? You know, it's funny. I could have three balls and my girl would know. You know, I never noticed that. Of course you're dead and it's all fucking inflated and not inflated and shift in and it's like, I don't know what it is. It's like a ball sack. I don't even know what the fuck is in there. Yeah, throw another one in there. I don't give a shit. It's supposed to have in that third one sitting there looking like a late model Ford 1948 Ford. It was at the, no, what was that guy that Tim Robbins, that car Tim Robbins made in that movie Tucker, looking like the front end of one of those Tuckers. Yeah, I'm not doing that. Having a third headlight. No fucking way. No way. There's not enough makeup to cover that up,

but you know, whatever, throw something else in my ball bag. Hey, you know what I say about my ball bag? The more the merrier. How do you like that? All right. And with that, that's the podcast for this week. Everybody up nice and early. It's able to be downloaded perfectly. What could you think about bitching about next? Who knows? Please visit me on Twitter. I'm almost up to 100,000 followers. You know, and I think once I get to 100,000, that's going to be critical mass. And that's when I can really start hitting you guys with my conspiracy theories and possibly start getting a little momentum. You know, that's it. Okay, this week, everybody, I'm going to be at the DC improv. It's already sold out, but I'm going to bring it up just so I can tell you that

sold out, you know, like when they have a poster up on the wall and they just stamp sold out on it. It's like, well, then why are you still advertising it to rub it in that I'm not going? That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm at the DC improv down. I'm out there to celebrate celebrate their fucking 30th anniversary. It's one of my favorite clubs of all time. You know, there's some special ones out there, ones that I dreamed of playing and that is one of them. How do you like that endorsement people at the DC improv? I love them so much. I'm going to be there on a Tuesday. Oh, Jesus. You know what? I just tried to overly cross my leg over the top of the armrest here and I just crushed one of my balls for a second. You know, why do you think that just happened? Do you think my house is haunted?

Do you think there was maybe somebody who used to live here named Ulysses who was killed by a bunch of fucking mean neighborhood kids because they found out he had three balls. And now I finally brought it up and I unleashed him. You know what? I think I'm going to call ghost hunter. It's the grace, the ghost of three ball Larry. And you know what's funny about that fucking ridiculous goddamn show is they would actually show up to film it. You know, you know, I want to, I want to film them film in my place and catch them when they throw that rock down the hall and be like, Oh, what the fuck was that? Did you feel something? I definitely felt something. You know, that show is it's like a bunch of Paul Verzi's chasing ghosts.

All right, you want to hear the biggest, the biggest fucking scam ever. And this is such a big fight between me and Nia all the time is the use of the fucking dishwasher. I think the dishwasher is one of the biggest scams other than the Federal Reserve. It goes Federal Reserve, ice cubes, anger, and then the dishwasher. And you can throw Skip Bayless in there somewhere, his screaming and yelling somewhere. You can throw it in there somewhere. I don't give a fuck. You know, it's all it's all up to personal opinion. The dishwasher, it doesn't fucking wash dishes. And I know this is a Seinfeld, but why they should call it the wet and hot water.

Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't. The dishwasher does not scrub the dishes. It basically like you ever take a piss and there's a skid mark in the toilet and you just start peeing on it. That's what a dishwasher does. You know, so basically if the food has been there long enough, it's not coming off. All right, and my lady will fucking put dishes in there and they'll stay in there for fucking days and then she runs it and it gets it gets most of it done. You know, and then I go out to make myself an egg and there's fucking dinner from fucking three nights ago, a couple of like skid marks in the toilet lasagna skid marks on the fucking plates. It drives me nuts. I had a hissy fit everybody. Okay. I literally I had a hissy fit. I'll even

call it that if you saw it, you would have laughed your asses off because I was here by myself cursing and screaming when I couldn't figure out why we didn't have any fucking forks where are the forks. And then I finally was like, you know what, I bet they're in the goddamn dishwasher and I went over and opened the dishwasher and there was like fucking 10 plates in there all with this shit that you couldn't get off. Yeah, I had to hire one of those fucking guys who paints cars at this point to come over here with that sandblaster to get this shit off. And you know, I don't know, I'm talking too much about this shit, but the dishwasher is completely it's a scam. It doesn't fucking work. And for some reason, it adds value to your house. When people show up, does it have

a dishwasher? Oh, honey, they have that thing that doesn't really work. You know, oh, Jesus, you built, you know, it's you're an hour and 15 minutes in, you gave them their fucking money's worth. Do you really need to end it with your goofy little riff about dishwashers? Do you think other people never use them and realize that they don't quite fucking work? You stupid cunt. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. We'll talk to you next week. You can't get enough. You think that all you're trying with you to piss it off. You can't get enough. Just piss it off.

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