Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-10-17

Episode Date: August 12, 2017

Bill rambles about traveling, the Sklar Brothers and his temper.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's dot com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I am just checking in on you who sorry I didn't bring my fucking microphone like an asshole um alright how you doing I'm out in New Jersey oh cheat dude this fucking room is nasty you know what the first fucking thing I found here was a god damn raisin on the floor then there was some sort of stain on the god the fucking New Jersey man I swear to god I swear there was just you know what they'll never be able to vacuum and scrub the fucking hair metal out of this state it's just what went on out in this goddamn part of the world in the 80s I swear to god fucking I had like the uh I had one of these great travel days and then it sucked you know I uh found a cheap

ticket got an exit row there was nobody in the middle seat right the person on the aisle was courteous we had a fucking tailwind one point I was watching us we're going 603 miles an hour I'm like what are we on the fucking concrete over here um it was great so then we land you know I'm no longer with budget rental car fuck those guys I don't know what happened with them I've been meaning to like leave them for six years there was a there was something happened over the last five six years and I was meaning to walk out on a typical to me and when I'm in a bad relationship it takes a good half a decade for me to get out of it so um yeah after that that last fucking conversation I had um you know with

them what they were like oh you didn't close your account and I had to get back on the phone and talk to those fucking assholes it's like just close the fucking thing sir you have to be on the phone I go dude I don't have time for this he's like sir the more you talk and I just hung up on him I was just like leave the fucking leave it open I don't give a shit why are you acting like I still have the car sorry um when am I gonna like react to things in a mature way I just don't every time I take the fucking bag I freak out I got into it with the sclar brothers I did their fucking podcast right and both of them you know talking sports both of them agreeing with each other and then one was

in the it was like it was just like it was like arguing with one person in stereo okay and one of them Randy adjacent they never reintroduced themselves either they're like fucking identical twins they're always changing their facial hair I literally I've called each one of them buddy for fucking 15 years hey buddy what's going on I used to know Randy because Randy had the facial hair so my my thing in my head was like rugged Randy's got the facial hair then they started fucking switching off with the goatees and and and the fucking Don Mattingly baseball fucking mustaches I don't know who's who anymore right so you know we're having a nice podcast everything's going good and we brings up Tom Brady and

he has to bring up fucking deflate gate and I fucking lost it I fucking lost it I just hate that Jim Ursay like he like one he successfully ran a fucking bullshit smear campaign that will follow that guy an innocent man for the rest of his fucking career you know what he should have done he should have had performance enhancing drugs sent to his house and his wife name because evidently that just that just flies away that's no big deal unreal on fucking real and then it was funny they're cool though because afterwards I was so fucking annoyed by him just seeing it that way and like blaming Tom Brady for not getting out in front of this stupid witch hunt right that actually called him up this is how much time I wasted

my life being upset and caring about sports for whatever fucking reason you know I call him up and I start talking to him and it finds out like he didn't even know half the facts of the story so it's like dude that's like reprehensible if you'd be going on that trash in this guy you don't even know that the fucking that Ursay paid for that fucking dope who wasn't even all that I should I know this is old right but he brought it back up again you know and I gotta give it up to him he fucking manned up and went back on his podcast and actually apologized for not knowing a couple of those fucking things but I just all you fucking and I'm telling you right now it's just a bunch of fucking Patriots haters

at this point if you're gonna ignore fucking hearing aids and helmets performance enhancing drugs sent to you wife of your house if all of that just goes away but this fucking deflated fucking cunt hair with the air out of a ball doesn't then I you are you are in my world you are it just you just you just hating on the Patriots all right now if you give everybody shit okay and every time they bring up these other guys names you go oh oh oh wait a minute you mean the guy who's offensive line had the hearing aids you mean that guy you're gonna do that they're not gonna fucking do that you're not gonna do it and it happened in Indianapolis that doesn't matter those are simple people out there they put the pants

on one leg at a time hey guys yeah if I can go six pack so anyways my travels going great and so I was actually upset at myself forgetting that worked up about something that I really thought I was over you know what I mean it was like seeing a chick you broke up with he was like you know I'm finally ready to fucking move on and then you know you run into a bar and she just says that one thing and you go right back to the fucking end of the relationship fucking talking to yourself in the bathroom as you're taking a shower you know just completely losing your shit while kind of watching yourself going like dude she's winning just shut up she's winning and you just but you gotta get it out of you

so anyways I was sitting on the plane right we get off the fucking plane and I drive out here to fucking Red Bank New Jersey and I show up and I got my bags and it's like seven I think it was 748 in the morning I took a red eye right and I come walking in and the second I see the lady behind the desk looks at me I know my room's not going to be ready and I come walking in and I'm like yeah hey I got a reservation and she's already shaking her head she's like we don't have it's 748 in the morning I go no no no but I paid for the room overnight so I could come in early and she's just like yeah no you didn't yeah we don't have that and then my blood starts going up so I start going like you mean to

tell me that I have to and I almost fell asleep on the right over here because I couldn't really sleep on the plane my blood starts going up and I'm sitting there going like you mean to tell me I have to drive around Red Bank until like two three o'clock in the afternoon she's like I can try to expedite but I was able to calm myself down I was like you know what I already got into it with the Sklar brothers why do I want to get involved with this fucking person this nice person here you know she has she she has nothing to do with these decisions I fucked up somebody fucked up but she didn't right so I just said I find you because you want to drop off your bags I say yes I vaguely remember driving

to a diner and getting some eggs Benedict looking at this guy you know who do you ever see those guys they just let I don't know they just have band-aids all over them like just they had like 20 tests just take the second I saw the guys like this guy's not gonna be around for a long time you know what I mean I was in like one of these Tony Soprano fucking you know look like that one you know that one where Jimmy the gent comes walking out he knocks on the the guys following them their window let's go fuck those they keep up all night it looked like one of those places and I just looking at this guy while this guy is not gonna be he's not gonna be around for a while you know and he was like fuck it

and he was eating eggs and bacon it's just like oh there you go go out the way you want to go out right so I get back in the car and like I don't know what to do what am I what do you have to fuck do you do so I just drove back to the hotel parking lot reclined the seat cracked the windows and just slept in the car it was funny was every 40 minutes I'd wake up and I'd be sweating because the sun was coming up more and more and the car was getting hotter and hotter so I'd have to turn the car on roll the windows down a little more and then go back to sleep and I did that for about like from I don't know 830 in the morning to about a quarter to 12 I'm 25 years into my career and this the road

is always gonna be the road this is always gonna happen and I gotta tell you though I feel great I got a fucking really good three hours came in checked in grabbed my bags hit the hotel gym knocking out the podcast anyways yeah you guys got to listen to that that's flower because it's really good those guys fucking know their shit man they really know this shit when it comes to fucking sports and everything and I kept teasing them that they did not look athletic at all you know when they were like trash and Michael Jordan saying he's petty he's petty and it's just like you guys aren't gonna be those guys are you the last guy picked in gym class and then when there's somebody as great as Michael

Jordan you just can't accept that he's great you still have to who the fuck says Michael Jordan's petty like you hung out with them you watch one speech he brings up the guy that he beat out in high school to introduce him that makes him petty you don't know him what it really is is you see yourself in that guy giving the intro to Mike so now you gotta look at him like he's like he's an asshole it's not for you me a fucking break and every dude every story here about you guys and David David really have you hung out with them then shut up and also all of them if Jordan never walked into their studio they would never call him petty their voices would go up nine octaves they'd ask him to sign this fucking

forehead draw the air Jordan thing right on there they go down to a tattoo parlor and have a tattooed so enough already so anyway sorry I'm literally gonna get worked up about that thing oh so anyways it bugged it bugged him one of them I don't know which of who's Randy adjacent all right it bugged one of them that I was saying they weren't athletic so he sends me a video of him in his cul-de-sac shooting a basketball in slow motion from really far away and it goes in and that was some sort of demonstration that he was athletic I still haven't trashed him for it yet it's just like dude there was nobody guarding you it wasn't a game you know he's like that was the second attempt I ate those stupid fucking

videos there was one the other night where a guy's in a helicopter he's in the Robinson 44 and he throws a fucking basketball out and it goes through the hoop it's like if you if he could do it consistently if he did it on the first try yeah that's impressive that poor guy flying the helicopter he probably had to keep landing because they kept collecting the basketballs and they fucking go back up then it finally goes through yeah you know you do it enough times yeah it's gonna go in anyways so I'm gonna try to eat like an angel I've been doing really good I bold Billy knows booze bag you know when I went out Tuesday night because it was Joe DeRose's birthday and I'll tell you right now my liver is so

happy Joe's only turning 40 once oh oh oh oh oh let me tell you I was so hung over the next day I woke up like laughing it was like it was it was so pathetic I felt so bad it wasn't it wasn't even like it would be redundant to actually feel bad at that point and I actually got up forced down half a glass of water and I went out and I worked out hung over his shit you know stretching out the hammies my big dumb fucking head down towards my ankles you know stretching out my hammies and my head was just going guys guys guys you know but I gotta tell you that's where being German Irish comes in because you will plow fucking through anything you know what I mean that was that was Verzi with his Mediterranean blood

knowing how to live life and you know smell the roses yeah this he would have called in sick to work if he got up a second before 2am I'm telling you Paul Verzi he would have been moaning you know what I mean like he just shattered his leg oh did we had a great time we had a great time we went to to we went to this old school one of the oldest restaurants in in Hollywood on on Hollywood Boulevard got a I got a great steak split it with Nia and Joe got this fucking prime rib that I'm telling you dude was like I know that if people always say the Flintstones it was fucking gigantic and I looked at it he goes dude you gotta try man this is amazing I was like wow and I looked down and I swear to God it felt like six minutes later and I looked up and he was like

down to the last two bites I mean the kid the kids an animal 40 years old there is no slowing him down and then we ended up at the American Legion and yeah and I don't remember much after that I remember I got him a cake you know that said a bunch of horrible things about him on it and next thing you know I was sitting in something that sort of resembled a tree for it or like a bandstand kind of thing outside in a parking lot with like nine other people that I don't even know where they came from we were all smoking cigars and then I did the Irish goodbye somebody called me an Uber and that was it but you know what I'm right back on it though you know every once in a while you know you don't you gotta you gotta fucking slap your liver around let it know who's

boss okay then other than that you know you take you take care of it you know I have an abusive relationship with my with my liver but anyways I'm out here doing Red Bank Count Basie theater theater let me know some good spots to eat out here if you guys know I've never stayed out here but I'm excited to be out here not have to deal with the fucking traffic coming out of Manhattan and I can't wait to do these fucking shows because once these things this is a great theater and I'm really loving where my act is at and then on Sunday night all Things Company Network is producing its first stand-up special with Paul Verzi Verzi Verzi yeah yeah yeah at the Terry town theater and beautiful Terry town New York City I mean Terry town New York not New York

City upstate New York or I don't know they get all upset if you say upstate upstate to them is Pekinsi the Westchester area whatever the fuck it is it's right on the water if you guys never been to that part of the country I mean it really is it's fucking gorgeous like sleepy hollow is up there you got the Hudson River I mean it's like you know what it's like it's it's like how most non-white people think white people live they think all white people live it is really really really really quaint I mean it's just like I mean it's just see like where's the pumpkin patch it's like shit like that you know homemade ice cream there's everything but those what are those fucking creepy things the girls used to hold and they would skip around the little girls in the playground

here we go round the fucking dang the fucking thing what that was it called the mabery boy not the mabery bush you know they just you know that's back when they didn't let women do anything so like that was their idea of playing you just grab on this string and you guys skip around you know meanwhile we're fucking guys are playing sports trying to figure out each other's weaknesses I guess women were doing that but on a different level right I bet she doesn't like her nose I'm gonna say something about that um I'm sorry I'm still uh I'm still fucking everybody wants me I slept in a fucking I mean what and by the way I don't even know what the fuck I slept in these goddamn cars today they all look the same and then I don't their logos are

so fucking like jazzy I can you know the haunted used to just be a fucking H you know isn't it so stupid the fucking shit that I get upset about is just so stupid really bill you want why don't you just fucking go on the internet and look them up what are they supposed to have the same logo for the rest of your life all right fair enough hey fair enough fair enough I think old freckles needs to fucking meditate here um anyways how about those how about those red socks huh just tearing through the bottom part of the fucking league the real test comes this weekend when they play the Yankees is your rivalry where it used to be again no it isn't it all ended in 2004 but it's still fun right the baby bombers versus the fucking 200 million

dollar red socks all that look at that you know what I bet America would be rooting for the Yankees even though they created all of this shit you know you know what the Yankees are they like to fucking the bad influence older brother you know who did well in like you know preschool elementary right through middle school and then somewhere in high school just start just went off the fucking rails and then the red socks I like the next brother who had to fucking try to outdo him that's what we're doing we went right over the cliff now spending 200 fucking million dollars 200 million goddamn dollars the middle child the fucking middle child um but anyways we went nine and one in the last ten games we're up four games on the Yankees over there thank you

to the Tampa Bay devil race I'm still calling you the devil race instead of the rays raised pizza Ray Romano oh hit the ball oh come on right what are you you're the devil race um that's gotta be one of the like that's one of the other thing goes back to that Colin Kaepernick thing like it's a fucking it's just it's a corporation as everybody tries to put race on it at the end of the day it's a fucking corporation and that's what it is all I have to do is look at the Tampa Bay devil race there was probably nine Jesus freaks that weren't going to buy a fucking devil raised t-shirt and god forbid they lose that fucking 160 bucks or whatever whatever 180 bucks say the 20 bucks a whack right god forbid that that goes out the door

they take the fuck they took the devil right off it we're losing our uh Jesus freak uh fan base you know and I think that's what the NFL's doing with Colin Kaepernick god forbid they lose the racist dollar that's what it is they are catering to the racist by not putting this guy on because they don't want to lose because the racist dollars are also green and that's all they give a shit about right they don't give a fuck look at the fucking the goddamn tigers they're gonna fingerprint their own fucking fans what do you think those tigers front office is going to do with that information where do you think they're going to sell that do you know what this is the thing most people I swear to god I hate to be this cynical but they just they just fucking go into life and they're

looking for it like someone else to fill the role of their parents and that's why the microchipping the fingerprints all of that will be inevitable because there's so many people who should be walking around wearing a fucking diaper I hate to say it but they do you know I'm always crying life fucked me over they you know what I'm going to start selling I'm going to start selling adult size rattles as I sit here whining and crying about sports I got a lot of fucking nerve you know that's one of the great things about me I'm so I'm a goddamn hypocrite hey guess what I got a I got a I got a GoPro for my birthday last year and I finally had Andrew come over and show me how to fucking get the thing going I just saw the wires and the small printing I just like I'm never

going to figure that out I can't get it out of the case I actually got this thing to film when I was flying you know the helicopter and I got all the shit that I needed and I just I don't know oh I know I fucked up my back last year so I couldn't fly because my feet were going numb there so anyways let me read a little bit of advertising here let me try to gracefully get out of this I feel bad about that sclar podcast because I think they thought I really got upset it's just I don't think they know me well enough to be like no that's just kind of how the fuck I get when I talk about sports and somebody's bugging me and two seconds later it you know it's it's gone you know it will come back but I mean it's gone it's over all right loot crate

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I don't know I would actually get into that job play some good tunes you know nice smelling car all right pick up some fucking assholes drive around where you going next you're fucking drunk all right listen to somebody bitching about their wife get to be like a psychologist it's like a fucking bartender driving around right all right the black tux everybody you know there's only so many opportunities in life to wear a tuxedo so when your big day or special event rolls around this summer just look just look just as great as you feel with suits from theblacktux.com with high quality rental suits and tuxedos delivered to your doorstep I shout when they capitalize the black tux the black tux gives you a new way to rent plus with their free home try on

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reason why that is getting back to the uh the cramping in your legs all right if you go the other way is is it's sort of like a yin and a yang you know what i mean the muscles on the front of your body versus the back of your body like i my shoulders got fucked up because i was doing push ups i was doing curls i was doing all that but i wasn't doing enough back exercises so my shoulders started rolling forward all right there's a balance so whatever the fuck you do i don't know medically what happens but if you you do the exact opposite motion when you get that cramp it fucking whatever's tightening up then releases there you go and you know what after i tried to explain it you're no closer to understanding it okay oh by the way i did the jim jeffrey show this

week uh i'll put i'll tweet out a link for that um i had a great time on that what a great interviewer he is you know i didn't know how that was gonna go two fucking comedians you know with shit that they want to say i was uh i felt like i do when i'm on conan where conan is like an old school johnny karsten guy where it's like if you're killing he lets you go he laughs at your jokes he makes you look great if you start struggling he comes to the rescue right and um jim jeffreys was the exact same way old school fucking guy so uh highly recommend watching that show um dude he was killing he was killing so hard like even just doing like some stuff where he was just doing like hey seattle watch the show blah blah blah whatever you call those things he was killing so hard when

he was just messing those up like just constantly was killing that i was standing backstage like laughing thinking like this guy doesn't need me he really doesn't need me as a guy i appreciate him having me on but he really could have just done this by himself he really is um you know when you go see jim jeffreys i mean i'm i'm not i don't think i'm bullshitting when i would say that guy's probably because everybody's top five top three you know that's always arguable you know you can argue whoever you think is the best he's without a doubt i would say top three in the fucking world he's like one of the best comedians in the fucking world that's that's the real deal so uh check out his show um please come out there's still a few tickets left for uh paul

versi's uh special and i've done 33 minutes okay please enjoy this music here um i'm gonna try out my gopro i'm very excited to try this thing out to see what what comes about this and um i've been threatening to do a show of me driving around freaking out i don't even know if i need to put that out there anymore of me freaking out i do it enough on podcast and shit but uh we'll see we'll see where it goes so enjoy this music as we transition into uh a thursday afternoon podcast from a thursday from i don't know when enjoy it and uh hey shout out to darin kink and and the unbelievable drumming that he did when he was with mute math and good luck to him in all of his future projects and good luck to mute math um on their upcoming tour

i forget the drummer's name dave hutchinson or something like that they got to replace darin kink uh mute math's new album is coming out in september i've already preordered it very excited very excited to see them on this tour and very excited to see what darin's gonna be doing um with whatever his next project is uh that's it okay thank you guys for listening have a great weekend you cunts and i'll uh i'll talk to you on monday there i don't know i've been all over the map politically but it's why like you know certain ways of looking at shit like when people talk about guns let's just make them let's just make them illegal and then nobody will have them you know like that's sort of like thought process is

you're you're acting as though the world is a utopia and that there's not morons and that there's not uh people who say i don't give a fuck what the rules are you're totally not even taking into consideration sociopaths which is why that new fucking thing that obama signed that whole defense package where now they can just arrest people without a trial j and put you in jail forever with without a trial because they just think you're a fucking terrorist you can't give people that level of power i'm a fucking moron and i know you can't do that historically no one has ever handled that level of power well anybody here want to go live in china well you're out there practicing your numb chucks wearing your wooden slippers and all of a sudden a van pulls up and you disappear

and that's it forever you want to live there of course you don't you want to live here where they can't fucking do it well they can do it now you know they just put in a fucking order for a bunch of black vans that's what i heard according to holy shit dot com that's what's going down i don't understand why stuff at that level that affects citizens to that level why we don't get to vote on it do you think it's because we'd say hey you know what fuck that do you understand like that is just a jump off point do you think like that's just how it's gonna slow as long as you're not a terrorist you ain't gonna fucking broke you think it's just gonna stop with that that's not how you take away freedom you don't just fucking do it all in one fail swoop it's incremental it's

just like when you're dating some fucking woman and you're not paying attention and she just gradually every day takes another foot of real estate next thing you know you're in goal line d going how the fuck did i end up in this situation we started at the 50 a little push a little pull right everything was fine xeno you're up against the goal line you think that they're just gonna keep it with the terrorist thing you know you know they'll wait for a whole nother generation of babies to be born and they always grew up with government having that level of power and then they add something else to it then they add something else then that's it you can't have it okay if tiger woods can't handle the level of free pussy on a golf tour how the fuck is our government gonna handle a new

defense package which basically gave them a mute button when you love to how how how would you handle that if you had that power do you how long before you just started abusing that if you could just hit mute on anybody who ever disagreed with you and i just you could have them whisked away i mean that is the sociopath's wet dream that's what that is that is a fucking mute button mr. Stalin don't you think that's it he hit mute you're done you're gone see you i think i think it's it's fucking insane and um the only thing that i get out of it is that i feel like i was proven uh correct that i don't think it matters at that level whether you vote democrat or republican obama the first black president ever you would think this would be the

most liberal uh politician in in the history of this country because of his background you would think that he signed off on that shit all right i'm telling you i don't know what happens when you become president but i think they let you peek just enough behind the curtain and you there is a fucking agenda that we are moving towards because it does i don't think it fucking matters i really don't which is why i always vote for the ralph nader the fucking ron paul all those guys that all those fucking idiots go oh because you did that you ruined the election really did i i feel like those guys wouldn't have signed shit like that i feel like their track record shows that they would not sign shit like that i don't know i have no i imagine i'm gonna get a ton of

fucking emails i remember somebody was yelling at me one time saying that because i voted for ralph nader in 2000 that's why george w bush won and they were just going on and on and on about it and i was like dude i live in new york al gore won my state okay do you understand that so your whole fucking theory right now is out the window i voted for ralph nader in new york and al gore still won the state so go fuck yourself what i'm trying to do uh i'm mr fucking red and blue tie here i'm trying to fucking encourage more people like that to vote so mission accomplished that's what i'm trying to fuck enough to vote to run you know uncorruptible how far can you get if you're uncorruptible i would say that you can get to the uh whatever level politics is when you decide

whether or not they should put a gazebo in the center of town i think once you get beyond that you got it you got to be a little dirty right i love talking about this shit because it just stirs people up you know um you know maybe should i read a little more before the next time you fucking um really what are you reading uh what are you reading what they give you is that what you're reading fuckhead why you acting like you have clearance to the bottom floors of the fucking pentagon you're guessing just like i am all right mr informed i read the pamphlet i don't buy a fucking word of it you know you can use coca-cola to take rust off of metal you can use it for that you know you understand that yet they're still able to sell it to us like it's

refreshing i don't know what that point meant either you hey what's going on it's bill burr and this is the monday morning podcast for monday august the 10th 2009 that i'm actually doing on tuesday august the 11th because uh there just wasn't enough hours in the day oh my god i got south swamps now i did i don't know what happened um well i know what happened i had a big audition for something and uh i had to just keep doing the audition over and over again and when i wasn't doing that i was curled up in the fetal position going please bill don't fuck this up this is a big

opportunity unfortunately i did not whether they pick me or not is out of my hands but um and then i just had a bunch of other shit why does it sound like it's echoing in here i don't know i'm trying a new recording level uh this week by the way people i don't know if the quality is going to suffer but um i had a number of people and by a number i mean like six um which i think is about one third of my listeners so it was big to me uh we're saying that uh i needed to get more bandwidth or i needed to do something basically they couldn't download my uh my podcast off of itunes or whatever and somebody finally called it to my attention that i was recording at music level quality so my files were huge and considering that i wasn't

recording musical instruments that i could actually record at a lower level and they would be smaller files thus easier to download so i said i know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna fucking go find the owner's manual and i'm gonna figure out how to do that and uh even though i have a little file a little little fucking uh big piece of Tupperware whatever the fuck you call it big plastic bin that's gonna be here 9 000 years from now um i have all my owner's manuals from everything i ever bought except for my Olympus LS 10 i don't know where the fuck it is so i just went into menu and i put it on mp3 and i'm recording at 128 can't fucking kill a wits of wits of whites whatever the fuck you call them i don't know what i

don't know what it is so i'm gonna try it this week so you guys give me a feedback let me know how the quality sounds was it easier to download was it harder to download was it the same was it just a futile fucking attempt um anyways i almost had a bad bit right there like why is that that you can find everything but the thing you're looking for um all right i got a lot of stories for you uh this week let's start off with i had a uh you know i had a nice disagreement this morning with somebody in particular and um i realized in that fight that the secret to success is uh basically i mean i'm sure somebody's already written a book about this but i don't read so i'm feeling like i'm breaking new ground here the secret to success in life is the word yes

and the word no that is it if you want to be a happy person if somebody says do you want to do this shit and you want to do it say yes yes i do and then if they're like but do you want to do this shit and you don't say no i don't now i know that sounds simple but it's afterwards that is the hard part and i feel is the reason why so many people say yes when they mean no and vice versa is because basically the fucking reaction of the other person you have to just completely block out their reaction you know do you want to do this no i don't usually when you say no negative don't want to do it the other person is just like why why don't you want to do it i thought it'd be fun i thought we could do it together i thought it would be enjoyable why don't you want to do it because you asked me

and the first fucking thing in me wherever that voice is in me said no i don't want to do it so then i said no right i heard what you said and now i am going to fucking speak it out loud to this other person because they can't hear my inner voice no the answer is no and then they always go you're ridiculous you're just you're just being a jerk you're being crazy really is that what my my inner voice is a jerk you know how many french i want to ask you guys this how many friendships in your life do you have right now where uh you can actually say no i don't want to do that shit and the other person's cool with it you know people give you a little bit of grief but you got to be careful because a lot of times there's a lot of cunts out there and uh how they deem somebody

a friend is basically that they do everything that they want them to do you know and then the second you start going hey you know i really don't feel like doing that stuff dude you changed what what the fuck's with you yeah go fuck yourself you're a cunt all right what do you what do you think you're perfect and you always have the best idea go fuck yourself i don't want to do what you want to do right now you know i just got a big goddamn argument because uh i want to find out what the fuck was about this person was trying to tell me i never want to fucking do anything let me never want to do anything i want to do my monday morning podcast saying that's nothing okay because if you are i'll tell you i got 18 listeners you have to you

have to fucking talk to buddy whatever that's all i'm saying all right some of you if you want to do something if you want to do it say yes if you don't want to do it say no okay and fuck their reaction unless they can kick the shit out of you at which point you say yeah i'd love to and then you sort of mutter to yourself the rest of the evening and then what you do is on the side you start taking some martial art classes either that or you call a moving company that can pack up all your shit and move it to another state while other person who can kick this shit out of you is at work that's how you do it okay there's nothing wrong i think the word coward is overused um you know and i think it's used by the

person who wanted to kick the shit out of you but you were smart enough not to be in the vicinity of them to let them you know how you work you let me fucking smash your face into your fucking ear you coward well you know dude i listened to my inner voice my inner voice did not want my nose over by my ear so i decided to avoid it yes you know you are stronger than me you can kick the shit out of me okay but you know that doesn't mean i'm i'm not better at checkers you know there's something this is a subject you can pick then i'm better at it than you but it may maybe fighting is not one of them why does it oh that's what always comes down to with guys you know in the end i can beat the fuck out of you so therefore i'm right you know oh jesus i'm getting deep here

isn't that how the world works huh might is right isn't that what is not how everybody's foreign policy works you fucking see another country and they have some shit that you want so what do you do do you say hey how's it going how are you maybe do that beginning just so you can get within fucking striking distance and then you grab them by the front of their button down you know and you sort of lift them up off the ground so part of their shirt is obscuring their view so they don't see the overhand right coming isn't that what we do isn't it i don't fucking know you know i was watching our the bill marshow the other day and he uh yesterday actually and um at the end of the show he was giving out these uh statistics and he was saying stuff like uh he's basically talking about

how fucking stupid americans are which i'm really getting tired of that you know i'm not saying we're not fucking stupid i'm just like as compared to who you know i've you know i haven't traveled to a lot of places but i've been to some places that were not flying the american flag and there's just as many fucking morons you know if everybody's smart then there's no smart guys you're just regular you know what i mean jesus wow bill that was fucking deep fuck you fuck you want for me i'm just saying you know what i mean so anyways here he's doing this poll actually i actually really like his show one of the things i love about bill marr is uh he's not really likeable and he doesn't seem to give a fuck and you know i mean yeah i mean does that the kind of person

you want to have over dinner probably not but uh that's a good recipe for getting a lot of pussy in life um we'll just we'll discuss that later um plowing ahead here so he starts doing all these polls and he's sitting there going you know 18% only 18% of americans could name uh knew oh knew that there was two senators for every state and uh only 11% could name who they are you know so immediately that's supposed to make it seem like everybody's dumb and my first thought was okay 18% can know that you get two senators per state but i bet you know a good 28% could explain the cover two defense you know it just depends on what the fuck you're into i like when people are really into something and you're not into it and then they consider you stupid make granted we are

talking about the people who determine how uh we live our lives actually they don't that's the illusion you know it's the fucking bankers okay they run everything man i'm telling i'm not going to do that again this week and embarrass myself with my incredible lack of knowledge but you know whatever i just don't think people are as fucking dumb as they're lazy you know but the way they they really just depict people out there like people are just walking around with their fucking mouths hanging open not realizing that they're drooling all of the all over the front of that kenny chesney shirt and i don't even know who kenny chesney is i mean i know he's a country singer was that the one who was married to that chick whose fucking face squints up whenever she smiles

yeah and they were married for like three days ball dude is that who the fuck it is huh i don't know i can't stand country music it's just depressing it's depressing and it's geeky and everybody sings like they they're in puberty there you go that was nice generalizations huh i'll have a blue that shit i can't fucking stand that and um i don't like rednecks blind pride in being an american you know because it always involves sticking a boot up somebody's ass or whatever the fuck it's just like why can't you be here and just be happy you know and watch two uh fucking farming equipments try to pull in opposite directions as you fucking rear your head back and fucking scream at the moon there's nothing wrong with that

there's fucking nothing wrong with that why do you gotta be so god damn it why you gotta be like me and be angry huh you straw-headed cunt all right uh moving on um so my dog uh is she's in heat right now because she hasn't been fixed and uh yeah it looks like a fucking crime scene around here because she's a female and i'm gonna leave it at that and uh she's scheduled to be mutilated later on this month that's really what it is mutilated i'm gonna have my dog mutilated i'm against it but i got i got tired of arguing about it and uh you know i don't i don't understand why you have to have your dog i just don't fucking get it you know i get it but you know if everybody did what bob barker said there'd be no more dogs and cats within 15 years because

they'd all be spayed or neutered you know and since when does a leathery 90 year old know anything about fucking animals when his main gig is to host a fucking game show you know i love how that fat fuck with the itchy beard you know he gets all shit for his all his document i can never remember michael more never remember people's fucking names is that the same guy who who doesn't michael more look like the son of that other fat dude with the itchy beard but it's all white you know he sort of looks like an effeminate santa claus and he wears those red glasses and he writes like oscar jokes for uh uh billy crystal god i suck at names billy crystal you

know the guy i'm talking about doesn't michael more look like the son of that fucking guy hey doesn't this guy who i can't remember his fucking name look like the other guy who i can't remember his name that's really brutal i apologize for that let's get back to cleo so cleo's doing fucking great but the only i only have one problem with her um the main problem with her is she does not like men she doesn't like guys um unless they come over they come over to the house you know we bring them in and they sit down she can kind of sniff them out then shit is cool but when she walks down the street um you know when guys second she hears bass in somebody's voice she's like oh she starts freaking out and uh i don't know how to stop her from doing it i keep

disciplining her but she she really blows me off she blows me off with that and squirrels you know she starts dragging me down the fucking street i could literally water ski behind this goddamn dog it's so strong and uh i don't know i went out to this breakfast place the other day and you know this fucking old lady shows up with her husband who has osteoporosis you know if you don't know what that is you ever see old people who look like they're fascinated with their feet you know that's fucking osteoporosis so anyways he's fucking comes walking in so he looks at my dog who's totally chill and he just keeps staring at her in the eyes and then she and then she fucking jumped up at him a fucking 90 year old man cleo what's wrong with you

cleo come over here for a second you can make your debut here on the monday morning podcast come here come on get over here is there a fucking reason come on get up here come on is there a reason is there a reason why you fucking tried to kill a 90 year old man the other day huh that's all you got to say fucking jackass you should have seen him jump brah brah went after the goddamn dude just sort of lunged just sort of lunged this guy who's probably a veteran of world war two right and uh then i brought him down and then the old lady goes is that a pickle hey they shouldn't be a lot around people you know and i fucking let it go believe it or not i did let it go i didn't really say really you old fucking bat how did you get here

huh did you drive down the street when did you get your fucking driver's license huh did they even have driver's license when you fucking cranked your first automobile huh you wrinkled up pruny little fucking twat i didn't say that i just sat there i had respect for old people i mean i think that shit i just don't say it i just sat there you know when you do that shit when someone's yelling at you and you can't yell back at them you don't look at them and you do that shit where your lips disappear and you make that thing you'll your lips your mouth is a straight line you just sit there nodding hey it shouldn't be a lot of our people if i had my way well i'd stick her in a god damn guy fucking kill and i just sat there nodding

as everyone else was looking at her and then it was funny as hell because my dog was totally chill until that evil old couple showed up like i'm blaming them now right so after she tells me that basically my dog should not be allowed around people which is fucking true in a lot of ways she walks around the corner and then there's just some cute little i want to play frisbee dog and the second they came around the corner that dog started freaking out so you know maybe it wasn't my dog cleo can you do me a favor can you just not if you're gonna bite somebody i'm gonna have to go to court okay and they're probably gonna use this podcast as evidence you know god help me if they have used this podcast he knew it was gonna happen and he called her an old cunt now if you do me a

favor hey look at me cleo oh fuck you dude just don't make it somebody old give me a chance just give me a chance to maybe win the court case you like that that's what she does when i give her a good scratch she starts fucking moaning what the fuck am i gonna do with you how the hell did you show up in my life you know what i like about you though you don't ask me to do shit that i don't want to fucking do and then when i say i don't want to do it you don't act all fucking weird like i got a problem so anyways that was my week that was my week and you know what i went 20 days without drinking and then i last night i finally just said you know i actually got scared that eventually i was i was gonna have a drink and but i would have gone like 80 days and then i could

never go on a run again of trying to be sober because i know i would never break if i ever went 80 days being sober there's no fucking never be like you know trying to beat joe demaggio's hitting streak there's no fucking it's like why even try you know so i called it quits at 20 and i am ashamed at what i called it quits with i went to this fucking bar and i went to order a blue moon because i'm a i'm a i'm a snobby cunt you know give me a blue moon with a little slice of orange in it and i'll sit here with my legs crossed like i'm selling art right that's what i wanted to do and uh they're like oh we don't have we don't have any we're all out yeah we're all out and i was like uh corona yeah we yeah no no we don't we don't we don't have corona we don't have corona yeah

all right let me get you a list of beers and they had their list of beers and then i ordered a miller light she's like oh my god you're you're gonna kill me we just ran out of miller light and i was like bitch what the fuck do you have here i didn't say bitch i looked down at the bar and i did sort of a fucking stupid smile and i was like what beers do you have with your fucking cunt was underneath it you know which is ridiculous because i don't think she was in charge of ordering it she's just in charge of you know selling it or whatever serving it that's the worst about having a public job where you a job where you deal with the public is most of times it's not your fault so not only do you have your job the other part of your job is to get yelled at for

shit that people above you did you know so anyway so i ordered a fucking amstel light and it tasted like ass you know it tasted like somebody rubbed their armpit on somebody's ass that's what it didn't even fucking make sense it just it didn't taste good and i had one of those and then i went right back to fucking i went back to coax i know i like it i like being i like going to bars and not fucking drinking i kind of i'm starting to enjoy it and then watching everybody else get hammered and say dumb shit that they're gonna have to apologize for i think i've done that enough in life i've apologized enough times haven't i all right and with that i'm gonna get on to some hyping some shit this has been a damn good podcast so far i feel good i'm well rested

huh isn't that right cleo you like that don't you yeah she fucking loves that huh right in the rib cage um put my dog in a headlock you know i do that shit come in it's almost like the rear naked choke just like doing it look at it jesus christ the fucking size of your nipples what kind of message are you trying to send out there huh your little whore walking around trying to get some doggy dick i've seen you sniffing every fucking blade of grass you ought to be ashamed of yourself that's not how we raised you then again you were down by the river for a while huh and yeah you were definitely hungry but you were eating huh how did you get all those meals cleo how many doggie dicks did

you have in you all right that's fucking weird all right you know what i noticed about dogs is um their their front legs um which are my world are the arms and the back legs uh they bend the exact opposite as a humans i've never noticed that before you know well i guess down towards the bottom they do now wait a minute the front ones do i'm an idiot they bend the same way the front ones do bend the same way all right you got me on that one so that's sort of like its wrist and its elbow but the back legs that's what it is their fucking their uh their knee their knee joint goes the opposite way in fact your fucking look at that your your patella is behind your leg you see this this is why you can't get a job in the

real world cleo your fucking knees are on the wrong side of your legs you know that other than that you don't have a shirt on your fucking nipples showing to the world you get a job at the circus you know i'm not trying to be a dick here but why don't you fucking kick in for some rent every once in a while i gotta buy another big bag of fucking dog food i'm looking at you just laying there like you can't hear me you know what i'm talking about look at your fancy new collar huh do your last owners do that i don't think so this is an abusive relationship here all right let's move on here let's let's talk about some shit that i have that i have going on i don't know why i had to say that twice that i have that i have oh look at

that i'm learning how to play shoot the thrill shoot the thrill the video tutorial anybody out there play uh guitar you want a good youtube uh this is guy solo dallas he's got all these fucking uh acdc songs he shows you how to play them man it's uh i don't know and then you can be the hit at your next party such a fucking loser all right let's get back to what the hell i was talking about here this is what i got coming up you notice how it was a great podcast until i said it was a great podcast and now i'm not living up to it um anyways this is what i got coming up this week friday saturday and sunday i'm going to be at the punchline in atlanta and um coming up in september i'm going to be at the helium comedy club in philadelphia pennsylvania uh september

10th through the 12th and i added a date i added two dates um one is for all you california people all right and i really need you to show up for this one because the cunts are basically paying me like fucking five dollars in a new pair of shoelaces because they don't feel that i can draw out here in california because uh because i'm a white guy i think you know not a lot of white guys out here you know that was my big mistake i should have gone out laid in the sun i just would have been all red i would have thought i was a native american they would have booked me in a fucking casino anyways i'm gonna be at the uh the improv in ontario california for four fucking days september 17th 18th 19th and 20th for the love of god could you and 48 of your closest fucking white black

mexican asian whatever you can grab please bring them out to those shows because it sucks man i live out here in la there's three clubs that i could be playing you know where i could actually not have to fucking jump in an airplane i want to play los angeles area i really would like to but i really need you motherfuckers to show up because if you don't show up i can't play out here anymore because they offer me five dollars in a new pair of shoelaces okay and uh i said fuck it i'll do it for that gig and i'm gonna show that i can draw out here so then i can come out here you know and not have to get on a plane every fucking week all right so i added that date and then the other date that i added was i added a date in seattle washington at one of my favorite

clubs uh giggles comedy club uh for december 10th 11th and the 12th and i scheduled that around a seattle seahawks home game motherfuckers and when i go to that that is going to be my 100th franchise that i have seen actually no won't be because i'm doing the tempium problem see the phoenix sons and i'm gonna come in a day early for seattle so i can go to a portland trails trailblazers game because i have ocd i have to go to all of them why do i have to go to all of them i don't know why i don't know why that's why i do on the plane i sit there and i check them off like the fucking rain man i'm a weirdo so anyways when i go to all of those i'll basically have been to everything out here west of denver everything all the way up edmonton all of that

shit i've been to all of them and you know what it hasn't filled me up a bit i'm still fucking empty all right that was sad that was just sad let's get back to uh you know what i gave you guys some homework last week uh i told you to go out and go see the movie the orphan because i wanted to make fun of that movie but i didn't want to ruin it for you so if you didn't go and see it that's your own goddamn fault and you probably want to fast forward through the next four minutes of this podcast because i want to talk about this movie it's a horror movie that i uh i actually loved i loved it even though it kind of stunk it was it reminded me of uh horror movies from the 1980s and uh one of the things that there was always the requirement of is that you had to have

oh do you hear that alarm if i told you what kind of car that was it's like a fucking 1988 no it's not that that's probably like a 1991 Honda Accord it's like you know it's the classic nobody's gonna steal that car and every time a truck drives by or somebody says i don't want to do it and they punch the top of their bureau it sets the fucking alarm off in that goddamn car and uh i don't know i think it's funny because it's far enough away where it's not annoying to me but i know it's fucking driving somebody up the wall isn't that right clio huh as you go to look at me and she puts her head back down she doesn't give a fuck all right so that movie the orphan if you haven't seen it if you're driven by any sort of bus stop or anything it's that one that

has that really psycho looking eight-year-old on it and it says uh there's something wrong with the what the fuck is her name it's not Emma it's one of those old person names Emma not Elvira ah shit see this how my brain works now i'm fucked what the fuck is that little twat's name there there's something wrong Christ whatever it says there's something wrong with this fucking chick eight-year-old girl with an old person's name all right so you go you watch the fucking movie basically she's an orphan this couple comes down they want to you know they want to adopt a kid for some fucking reason so they they pick this girl who is dressed like she's from the 1800s and she has like a piece of thread around her throat that she won't take off and on her wrists

a few times people try to remove it at the orphanage and she completely freaks out so the whole time she's being a fucking psycho she's trying to kill their natural kids and um you know their life was basically fine and then they get this kid and everything you know the fucking house catches on fire all this fucked up stuff but one of the requirements of old school horror movies is that you have to have unbelievably stupid people in it and um i actually the white people in this movie were so fucking dumb i almost got offended i almost like wrote a letter it's like they got this giant tree for it and the dude looks looks out the window and the fucking thing is engulfed in flames as his natural son is hanging from the tree trying not to fall which he does it ends up in intensive

fucking care and the fucking wife is sitting there going like i think there's something wrong with this fucking chick with the old person name that dresses like she's in the 1800s and the kicker she has a transylvanian accent i want to play the piano what i can't even fucking do it she's just it's like you're a psycho get the fuck out of my life right then she starts killing people people start disappearing right and fucking left and they're sitting there the couple what's going on she's being so weird right so basically in the end what you find out what's wrong with the girl is that she's not eight years old she's actually 33 she has she has some sort of disease that makes her look like she's eight and she used to be in an insane asylum because she murdered her

family and she escaped somehow from germany she somehow escaped the asane asylum got herself in an orphanage with no fucking passport no paperwork whatsoever got herself into an orphanage in america and the kicker is she somehow went to a dentist who agreed to make her a full upper and a full lower denture of children's teeth which she pulls out in the end as you're discovering that she's 33 years old and then this little fucking dwarf middle-aged psycho cunt comes in and somehow is able to stab to death an adult it was just the stupidest fucking thing i was it was great it's just a fucking and even though i told you everything basically that happens it's still a fucking hilarious movie it was weird somebody wrote this great email to me

they were so pissed that i told them to go see the movie they said i've never been absolutely terrified while laughing my ass off for 90 minutes in my entire life and that is the experience of the orphan it's just a fucking great stupid movie i don't it just remind anyhow i had all the cheesy lines she's crawling out of the pond mommy save you save me and then she's like for the last time i'm not your fucking mother and then she kicks her right in her fucking 33 year old eight eight year old face and she goes back down to the bottom of the pond and i guess that was supposed to be the applause break which it would have got if it was still 1984 but whatever it's you know as much as i just trashed it it's still a good movie i felt bad for the actor playing

the dad in the movie because i just pictured him in between takes trying to figure out how he could be that guy and just looking at the director going so basically my character is a fucking moron right so in this scene i'm still a moron who can't put one in one together and get um maybe you know no because nothing caught on fire and no one was murdered in my house before we got the fucking chick who sounds like she's doing a Dracula impression maybe i could put those two fucking numbers together and guess that it's it's Emma or Ezra or whatever the fuck her fucking name is there's something wrong with her the fuck is it i have to look it up i got to get this orphan let me type this in Cleo what the fuck was that psycho chick's name huh orphan showtimes

uh you motherfucker plot words keys full cast and crew here we go here we go there's something wrong with ester how the fuck did i forget that ester who calls a little white girl ester that's that's an old black woman name isn't it ester was that the name of the was that the name of florida evans character or was that the name of the ugly girl on uh sanford and son it was aunt ester that was yeah and therefore because i saw one person who was black who had that name therefore everybody see how i do that i like to generalize everybody because i'm a moron all right let's get back to the fucking podcast here um okay here we go here's some youtube videos

that you guys can watch this week in your cubicles instead of working all right um let me see what do we got here all right so i noticed a lot of them because the first one that i nominated was really violent most of these youtube videos that people are nominating involve somebody getting punched in the face like here's one british directors slammed into a table this is um twat on twat crime just to let you know it's female versus female and um it has a w w f quality to it because when the lady gets slammed she puts her arms out like the way they do when wrestlers pretend to slam their heads off a table um but for all of you who don't like violence i have a couple of nice ones here's one for you cute puppy whistle look up that one and tell me that won't

melt your fucking cheerios if they're meltable um and there's another great one this one jerry needs no help playing with his ball i know that sounds like a porno but i swear to god it's an adorable video jerry needs no help playing with his ball just write this down on a little post it act like you're taking notes and looking at a spreadsheet um here's one for the guys uh fat kid on a bicycle um i challenge you to watch this and not fucking laugh your balls off and it's great if you just you know what's great is after the kid falls off if you look really closely it what happens is is when he goes flying over the handlebars and his fucking meatball body lands you have anybody who's played sports has done this you ever get tackled in football

in your arms underneath you and your fucking elbow basically goes into your spleen up under your liver and then fucking you know smashes into your heart that's basically what happens to this kid and he makes he makes the greatest you want to hear the noise tell you what i'll play i'll play the audio and i'm gonna test your willpower that if you can actually hear the fucking audio to this and not watch it you're definitely you you have you have some serious fucking willpower let me type this in real quick fat there's a lot of audio on this one i had my dog fat kid wait a minute what the fuck i just messed that up fat kid on a bicycle i'm sorry i can't type with one hand just bear with me children just bear with me just talk amongst yourselves do you ever have that

when your teacher was going through a divorce and she'd start breaking down just talk amongst yourselves fat kid on a bicycle bam come on what the fuck is it oh that's great bill you gave me the wrong maybe it's fat kid falls ah you fucking asshole bill fat i wrote fat on a bicycle i'll be disgusting was just a bag of fat all right fat kid on a bicycle and i get the same videos fat kid fall on a jumping on a bike where is this motherfucker i'm the worst i swear to god it's funny you're not gonna be able to find now i have to find oh there it is fat kid on a bicycle i got it here we go listen to this audio all right

here he comes here he comes here he comes ah oh it's the funniest fucking thing ever and he's got big fat thighs he's got these little booty shorts on oh god that's a fucking great one there's nothing better that why is it so funny to watch somebody get hurt i don't know why anyways here's another one and i know this this one has a couple of your kids ears here but this one is called cunt smasher cunt smasher and i know that sounds like you know somebody just gives somebody an uppercut to the baby maker that's not what happens believe it or not this is actually it's a male stripper and i swear to god i think it's bobby

blotzer from rat that's who it looks like um it's you might want to fast forward through some of it but it's just fucking it's hilarious um and it's got to be from like 1988 just judging by the guy's fucking hair metal hair and he's spinning these knives around and it's just the classic why guys are not sexy in women guys i think turn women on if they're like doing shit you know you come over you know you're fucking you're the cable guy and you're installing cable you know and you bend over in your dickies i don't fucking know you know what i mean that's how women get turned on they see some guy with a little yellow hard hat and he's up a telephone pole oh my god he can fix stuff i want to blow him right i don't know how they find us sexy but i know it's not wearing a fucking leather

jumpsuit spinning around kitchen knives that really i don't know but you got to watch it that's that's a great one um and these are all recommended by people by the way uh other than fat kid on a bike that's one of my favorite ones um gay weatherman is a great one uh there's another one worst blooper ever and uh then there's another good one uh british punch just look that up it's some british dude who gets punched in the face and his reaction is stereotypical british where it's just really polite hey why'd you go and do something like that i came out the fuck he did the guy gets punched in the face and he doesn't attack the other kid he doesn't laugh hey what why'd you go i came with the fight i can't do fucking accents i don't even know why check those out instead of

working that's what you can do this week all right um or if you get sick of working what are we up to here 40 minutes all right i gotta wrap this up i have some i have a computer question for you people all right i have a i have the mac book now all the nerds are listening up all right perking their ears up i have a brand new mac book brand new by brand new i mean on the last like fucking four months or whatever and i got that thing where you know if i put my hand on the little square thing down there that i don't know what it's called you know the mousy area i know if i if i flick the cursor to the upper right hand all the windows disappear if i go down to the lower right they separate upper left makes it go black lower left makes the four windows and you know we can

have something in all four windows um but my question is is what i don't know how i do this but every once in a while i do something on the mouse area accidentally and what happens is is i'll have two windows open and when i click on one of the windows the other window goes exit stage right off of my thing and then if i click the other one then then it comes back while the other one goes exit stage left and sometimes i want to look at both fucking windows how do i make it stop doing that so i guess i want to know how do i make it do that and then how do i make it stop doing that because i want to stop yelling at my computer like it's a person i hope i explained that correctly and with that let's move on to a revenge story remember that topic all those great stories

remember how everybody had a story uh how they you know how you got revenge was basically you didn't confront the person you basically fucked up some of their personal property and a lot of people sort of came to the conclusion that that really wasn't revenge as much as it was sort of a bitchy little move where here's a great revenge story done by a guy this is a fucking great story i wish i lived this story all right here we go i grew up in brooklyn new york uh many years ago when i was in the sixth grade i was 11 years old there was a guy named pj used to torment me all the time he'd bully me bully me and rob me of my money every time he saw me this lasted for about four years as i became a teenager he stopped trying to rob me but he was he still tried to

intimidate me every chance he got so one day in the summer we were playing five on five basketball and there was about 40 guys standing all around the court watching the game i got the ball in a steal and the only guy back on defense was pj as i drove to the hoop he jumped to block my shot and i dunked right in his face the whole park exploded guys were running to the court yelling and laughing at pj pj the screams were so loud my friends who lived the block away heard the noise and came running to the park to see what happened the look on pj's face was priceless he was humiliated in front of just about everybody we mutually knew at that time i went on to play division one college ball and had success but nothing ever compared to that day i remember it like it was yesterday and it

happened over 20 years ago he never spoke or bothered me ever again after that day either dude that story is this shit you know can you imagine dunking on some asshole who's treating you like shit you know what i thought it was and i'm gonna go out on a limb here and get you know at the risk of being called a racist again i'm gonna guess that that was a black guy not too many white guys have a story of how they got revenge was they fucking stole a ball somebody jumped up to block their shot and they basically jumped over them and dunked on them you know i don't know maybe i don't know i'm just saying right i mean i was in my white brain what i was thinking was everyone was there at the basketball game and you're gonna do the

meatballs thing and pull down his shorts see that's what you have to do when you can't jump when you don't have that fucking option because i don't care how many fucking how many whatever jump shots you throw in somebody's face it's not the same it's not the same that's like you you just fucking attacked i mean i don't know i'm getting dunked on i mean that's that's right up there with just sleeves she might as well just slapped his mother right in the face i think that's fantastic that's what i want to nominate that is that's the one of the best revenge stories ever because it wasn't sneaky it wasn't bitchy it was right in the dude's face and uh and it had the desired effect the guy never fucked with him again and i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that

this dude had the last laugh so congratulations jesus christ that should be like one of those after school special movies that really had a feel good ending to it and nobody really got hurt somebody just got put in that place they should fucking film that story and play it around the holidays just to make people feel better all right let's get with questions here um hey bill i am a big fan of your comedy thank you very much i was looking for uh what the fuck i was looking to get some tickets to the dc improv show in october was curious about your thoughts oh i was curious about your thoughts on the difference between the early and the late shows i know when you're a pro you can kill whether it's the first second or second show on any given night but i was just

wondering which performance do you prefer and why and is the lat the single show on sunday the most depressing gig of the rung of the run all right you know you believe it or not i get asked this question a lot of times and people go hey man i'm buying tickets to your show i'm coming friday which one do you think i should go to the early one or the late one and the reality is um you never know you never know like this past weekend i was working the comedy connection in provenance and i had great shows but that one went the standard way where the early crowd was more sober and more receptive and the late crowd was uh sort of drunk and not paying attention but one of the nights it was on the friday night it was like a the red socks and yankees were playing

i guess they went 13 innings or something like that it was into extra innings so half of the crowd their face is glowing by half the crowd i mean five fucking people but that feels like half the crowd their face is glowing because they're watching the pitch by pitch um i mean who the fuck is into sports to that level you know what i mean breaking ball outside two at one you know you're gonna fucking you don't even have that guy saying that but whatever they were watching that shit but then you know what the fuck but whatever so they weren't paying attention so the second show kind of sucked on that one but um when i was in denver i had a show where the early show they were drunk maniacs yelling out shit it

was still fun um so yeah dude it's a crap shoot just like you i have no idea either and i just sort of play off however people are doing it but i gotta admit i have a i have a really good crowd of people that comes out and even when people yell shit out at me like um i don't like it if someone's just trying to be a dick but if i say something someone has an opinion on it they yell it out you know as long as it isn't every five seconds like that really doesn't bother me i actually think it's one of the things that makes stand up a cool art that uh you know it's one of the few like public speaking things where like you it's kind of uh accepted in a way that you can just yell hey you fucking suck you know i mean it happens to bands and that type of shit but you

can drown them out with your instruments i don't know i don't fuck i mean you know i'm basically this is the only thing i've done in public so i really don't know what the fuck i'm talking about um let's move off the fuck else did i want to say there was something about provenance i wanted to say well it's out of my head now um okay this is how we've been ending a lot of these podcasts lately where all of a sudden people are sending me these really uh heavier questions this is sort of the uh the dr bill section i think this is what i'm gonna call it because i'm not qualified know that i'm not qualified to answer any of this shit but uh uh this is another one of these death of a relative thing so uh after we had the feel

good story god damn it i should have read the revenge one after this one but uh this one is sort of depressing but not not i'm just gonna shut up and read it okay bill my bill my mom's oldest sister died from cancer three weeks ago and what an opening sentence and has one surviving sister um during the process of going through her things all right so let's slow down here because this gets confusing so you have a mom and she had a sister die and she has one other surviving sister so it's your mom and your aunt who's alive at this point and your other aunt died or aunt whatever the fuck you're from um during the process of going through her things and settling her affairs quite a few interesting secrets have popped up for one we thought my aunt

never owned a car but have since found out that she owned several over the last 20 years sounds like the beginning of one of those a and e murder things they thought she was quiet didn't have any cars um for second um we always thought um after two divorces that she had sworn off men turns out um this gave her license to sample both sides of the fence all right we're fucking about we're about chest deep into this one already four sentences in have i forgotten to mention that she was an avid collector of books some might call it obsessive compulsive needless to say i have cited with ocd because she has five over five thousand books in a one bedroom condo on the lakefront here in chicago we have found college

era photos of her half naked with a cigarette in one hand in various background items that would suggest early seventies era uh mostly because the gigantic stereos with turntables and eight track slots okay um through this process my mom's middle sister i guess this is the surviving one and her two kids and families have distanced themselves from the this estate settling process while my mom and i have spent 80 plus man hours going through the condo my middle aunt and her family have consistently talked about how busy they are um and that they have all but said we don't care how much you've done and i told you you're a little vague here are they getting stuff from the will i was a little confused with that um but anyways i realized um there was a very

complex set of emotions going on here perhaps their show of indifference is because they feel guilty about not seeing my dead aunt when she was alive perhaps they live in a nearly perfect world and don't want to be bothered perhaps they're unfeeling jackasses and don't care it's hard to judge i really want to tell them to go fuck themselves and several sever contact with them once and for all once the will is paid out okay so evidently i get it so they're entitled to some shit and they're not helping out uh but they are family and i was brought to respect family while they apparently were not it pains me to know that they are blood relatives and that their mindset is indicative of my middle aunt's upbringing of them um i guess that's a surviving aunt um i feel

lost and sorrow for losing my aunt to cancer but i also feel lost and sorrow about losing my other aunt and her kids and families because they are not who i thought they were any advice you could give would be great ah dude i don't know what to tell you um yeah it's fucked up that they're gonna get some money out of this shit and they're not helping you go through her stuff um um but uh i don't know dude how often do you see these people you know i don't know i i i i kind of draw the line at your immediate family if you talk about aunts and cousins and that type of shit if they're assholes they're really you know like you ever think of how barely your cousins are part of your family tree

i mean you basically have to go up the tree and then back down the tree two limbs to get to them so fuck them they're out right i really hope my cousins don't listen to this podcast and then your aunt i mean i don't know i don't know it's it's your aunt fuck them fuck them go with you got fuck them clear out the mortgage and then uh yeah fuck them i mean they sound i mean the way you've talked about them they kind of sound like assholes i mean what do you want to do i bet their house smells too the way you've described them you want to go over into their smelly house you know to watch the billy bass that they bought with your dead aunts money fuck them

go with your gut fuck them you know at some point you you could i don't know do you want to have that confrontation i think the only weird thing the cousins is not a weird thing i don't think the fact that they're not involved is is a weird thing because a lot of times you know people could be really separated but like the weird thing is your aunt not giving a shit that your other aunt died because they're sisters that's just fucking bizarre to me but uh who knows maybe a dead aunt did something to her you didn't know that she had 20 fucking cars maybe you should keep sifting through the pictures and uh maybe you'll discover something i don't know what i don't know what but i don't know what do that if i sucked okay i'm not qualified for uh

you know i don't know that level of stuff but feel free to keep sending me stuff like that because it must be fun to listen to me uh squirm speaking of that um here's some shit about uh you know something somebody sent me something great about banks trying to help me explain what the fuck i was trying to say last week but really couldn't explain it in an intelligent way and i lost the email because i i didn't have any internet over the weekend and i had it on my blackberry and i got rid of it but basically this guy was touching on some shit that i had heard before that basically when you if you take a thousand of your own dollars and you put it in a bank believe it or not the bank can legally loan that thousand

dollars out to like nine different people i don't mean nine people get a portion that totals up to a thousand i mean nine people can get a thousand dollar loan off of the thousand dollars that you put in so if you're sitting there going well then didn't they just invent um eight thousand dollars yes they just created out of thin air and um i don't know if that's why our money really has no value they just created out of thin air and this guy was basically explaining that one of the reasons our money has value is basically the person who takes the loan them promising to pay it back gives it value but uh i don't know i have no idea i wish that there was some sort of uh like home kit where you could make your own bank you know what i mean the same way people make their

own fucking beer in the bathtub where they make lemonade this you know that'd be a great fight billy maize was still alive he could sell that shit you know i'm billy maize are you sick of putting your money in the banks and having them loan out to a bunch of cunts who don't even pay it back so then you fucking lose introducing your own personal bank and he basically shows you how to convert your garage into a brick fucking i don't know what have some homeless guy that would be your security you just have some homeless guy that smells so fucking bad you know granted all your money would smell but like no one would go near i don't know what i don't know what to tell you but i i feel like an idiot every week taking my money and then putting it into a bank but

there's no other fucking options you know short of sticking it in my mattress you know and then you make yourself a target you know hey you see that skinny redhead over there doesn't know how to fight hey he's got a fucking thousand dollars in his pillowcase hey guys yeah you want to play frisbee let's get blasted in the face and not only am i out of thousand bucks i ought to buy a new pillow because i noticed that's one thing about when people steal they have to ruin your place too they have to ransack it they can't just reach into your pillow it's wide open just reach in and take it nah nah i gotta rip it off and fucking stab it up you know something about putting on a catsuit that makes people extra destructive

all right anyways that's the podcast for this week i hope to see you guys out at my show i am getting geared up for my special i'm not drinking i'm not boozing so please don't tempt me when i'm out there but if you want to show me your tits that is fine and i will happily sign them see there's a balance to my life also please try to come if you're anywhere near ontario california please come out to my show out there i would really love to sell a bunch of tickets out there because i don't have much of a presence here in the lower california area i don't have anything in san diego i got nothing going on in the greater la area and i usually don't plead with people to this level to come to my shows but i am right now all right i'm like fucking uh what's

his fates and that that fucking millers crossing look into your heart look into your heart john totoro what a great fucking movie that is i finally saw that one the other day wasn't that a great you guys want to hear clio getting scratched one more time to hear what fucking ecstasy sounds like no one she won't do it here we go there you go that wasn't as good as the other ones whatever go fuck yourself this is live that's how it goes all right now let me know how this works out is it a smaller file and all that type of shit you guys have a good week and uh i will talk to you next monday although it will be a little bit later because i am flying back from from atlanta on uh on monday so there you go all right so don't be like dude where the fuck is it it's coming

it's always coming all right it might be a little fucking late but it is coming all right you guys have a good week take it easy do you