Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-10-23

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

Bill rambles about Top Golf, bonuses, and 'THEY'. Indochino:  Go to www.Indochino.com and use code BURR to get 10% off any purchase of $399 or more.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bilber in a very echoey room and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Listen to that fucking echo and there's will be a capital records. I want to touch your titties, but it's 1958, and I am a fucking Irish guy in an Italian neighborhood. Sorry. Then all of a sudden there's a fight, right? And everybody starts snapping their fingers, right? Nives come out and shit. Then I accidentally kill the brother of the Italian girl I want to bang, but then for some reason later on

the musical, she still hooks up with me, even though she knows I killed her brother. When it been,, but do do. Is that West Side Story music? That's fucking James Bond. All right, I'm not gonna let you guys. I just had a double espresso and a flat white, flat white, like my ish.

And I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now, you know? For those of you out there who tried cocaine and just can't handle it, and you get too fucking addicted, like caffeine, it's kind of a nice substitute. If you fucking do two back to back, it makes you feel like you know shit. You just have an overall good feeling before you sort of climax with the jolt of caffeine

and then you start sliding down the back of the mountain, you know, like a football season. Like dude I think we could make the playoffs then all of a sudden they've lost three in a row, you know, are they packing an error? They've got to fold up the fucking tension. The fuck did I want to talk to you guys about? I don't know. I like what people say I'm done playing games. They make all that deep fucking point and then they, yeah, I've done playing games. All right, but up until like yesterday you were okay with playing games.

Yesterday it was fun. But today I am not in a playful mood, I have done playing games. You know what that comes from, right? That's from having a woman in your life and then mind fucking you or you know even worse. You expect a woman to play mind games with you. What's she gonna do? Fucking soup like shit. She can't do it.

You know what I mean? I mean her hips and thighs are made for carrying children, not for fucking picking up her mate and fucking. Imagine if God did make them like that and they would like those fucking spiders like the black widows. And the second you busted and not in them, you know, that you just felt that forearm going to your neck and next thing, you know, you're just completely upside down and then they just suplex you down onto the hardwood floors.

You know, you come to work all fucked up. Oh, Billy got laid last night. Oh, the guys would be afraid to knock up their women. They'd keep pulling out. Listen, I can't look, we got two kids. I can't handle another fucking, you know, DDT. Whatever the fuck it was called. I can't handle another fucking, you know, DDT, whatever the fuck it was called.

Another fucking Polish hammer to my chest. I've seen a lot of people out here, one Polish hammer to the chest, that would be it. Either that or would fucking knock all that steak and cheese, fucking grease, right out of them. Anyway, I went to the red socks on Monday night, took my daughter once a year we go to WCA. We had a great time and the first time I took her she lasted three innings. You know, she's a little kid. This time she lasted five innings

and you know what sucked was sucked was kind of raining out, because I like taking the train to give her the whole experience. You know what I mean? And getting off her Kenmore Square and walking up with the crowd, and hearing all the chatter and all of that. People selling stuff, you know? But I just kept picturing, because it was raining like, it's crazy weather that day

and like tornado warnings and stuff down by Bonstable. I'm not saying it was down that way. I just love that fucking Boston name. Bonstable. Gonna help you guys with the Boston accent. All right, a lot of people, like I've seen, like they'll try to say the word like shorts in a Boston accent and they'll say shots.

That's not how they, it's shorts. Just say, sure. Like the fucking C-shore, sure. All right, you just don't put, it's pronounced here, shorts. No, put on some fucking shorts, it's like a fucking hundred degrees out. You kidding me? I golfed the other day. And you know, I don't give a fuck about that activity, but I gotta be honest with you.

I had this guy in the force him gave me a couple of tips. And on one whole, I had the best drive of everyone there, you know? And that was something I keep thinking about that. I'm like, don't think about that. Don't think about that because next thing you know, you're gonna be another douchebag with a set of golf clubs.

You're really fucking freak me out this place where I used to work a long time ago. I used to work at Cumberland Fabs, the main place. And I drove by there the other day and it's completely gone. They knocked down the whole factory. I don't know if 7, 11 bought them out, but They knocked down the whole factory. I don't know if 7, 11 bought them out, but they knocked down the whole factory. And, yeah, one side they did like all the dairy. It always smelled fucking gross over there.

And then the side I was on was more like, it had all like the paperwork for all the dairy and all whatever the fuck they were doing on the other side. And the thing is completely knocked down and Now they have one of those top tier or top flight Those stupid as fucking golf things they're fucking huge. It kills me. There's a driving range right down the street Bring a little Bose speaker and a fucking cooler and you have the exact same experience Dude the fucking amount of

raw materials you should see this fucking thing There's a net going around it. I swear to God you could cover a football stadium with it Michael Moore is gonna do a documentary about the three kids that they made so that fucking thing together. You know, and then when it comes out, the top tier, top flight guys, whatever the fuck it's called, are gonna be like, well, you know, if we don't have three, four year olds

so that thing together for the first fucking nine years of their life, I know the math doesn't work out, but just roll this. Then it's gonna cost you nine grand a golf. It's like, or you could pay your workers and you could take less of a salary, or you could not give yourself a bonus, a bonus. How the fuck did they get away with that?

That fucking shit blows my mind, that they just give themselves bonuses. They're just stealing from the profits. It's literally casino, the skim, and it's totally legal. That's what this somebody told me that a long time ago. Said basically all the scams that the mafia was doing, corporations do now in a legal way and they're way more greedy. Like any old dealer I have them that said it was better in Vegas when the mob ran it. They just can't make enough. All right, we get it. We get it, you know. I'll tell you, capitalism is great for the first 100 years. That's the sweet spot, you know. It's like a band.

Any band you love, you know, you listen to them long enough at some point that you know, it just passes them by. Or a comedian, like look at me. All right, I'm 55 years old, I'm up there. Like I'll give you a classic example. How life has passed me by. I posted that video if you listened on Monday of the biplane ride that I took down on. Myth is figure! And, um,

I, when I was filming it, I was like, oh my God, this is like, I know exactly what I want to do. I want to do a tribute to the ACDC that live concert they had right before Bon Scott, unfortunately, passed away. They let there be rock. What you guys have to see, it's one of the great concert films of all time.

The band is just at the height of their powers with Bond Scott, and then they just rode that right into Brian Johnson and back in black, right? And anyway, there's a video when they play the song Walk All Over You. Their bass player Cliff Williams is riding in a biplane and the drummer Phil Rudd is on the ground driving the Scarface Porsche. And so I put that music underneath it.

I even did the Cliff Williams wave to the pilot behind me and I'd posted this thing. I was, I mean, I knew hardcore AC DC fans would get it. I, there was one person who got the video and I was like, what the fuck? There was even like a music producer. I actually responded to him because he was just going like, you know, the footage isn't cool enough. I got to put rock and music underneath it and I just literally like, the footage isn't cool enough, I gotta put rock and music underneath it. And I just literally wrote, is a music producer, you should know what this is a reference to.

I tried to shame him, and then I was thinking later, I'm like, well, Bill, this is like a concert footage from 44 fucking years ago, you idiot. Jimmy Carter was in office. Jimmy Carter. So I had to actually post the video

that I was talking about. And when I did the Cliff Williams wave, I didn't get the pilot behind me. So some people thought I was flying the fucking plane. The whole thing was a disaster. It was just that one big flop. And there was like one guy in the text thread that got it and the other guy that got it was Dean Del Rey.

So I think I've officially, I aged out of pop culture like I think in about 1989. You know which is, anyway, I am trying to get into Europe shape, you know what I mean? But have a little bit of muscle mass, you know what I mean? But I am going to Eastern Europe and those people are fucking, those people are like next level strong, you know what I mean? From fucking fighting the Russians who are fucking strong. You know, those people over there,

they like that fucking, you know, I don't know what's going on over there, but like, you know, there's something in the water. And speaking of which, I watched this really, I watched two really good documentaries. I watched this one on Johnny Manzel. And that guy, that guy has lived such a life that at 29 years of age, he sounds like he's in his 50s the way he's looking back on his life

and you know, things that he did and all of that, it's really, really fascinating and then I just also like his complete disregard for any rules, where he's just like, you guys making all this money off of me, fuck you, I'm gonna make some money, you know? Then I'll give the money to my grandfather and he'll write me a check.

Pfft, he goes, because he's a fucking G. I'm like, eugh, I don't know if that's good grandpa behavior. I mean, he's got you back, but I mean, he probably should have been like son. Now, what are you doing here? Let's not fuck this up, but anyway, it was really fascinating. And I also felt like, amazed.

I was like, I saw him, his sophomore year when they played Alabama in that stadium. It was the loudest stadium I'd ever been in. You know, Kansas City Chiefs was close, but as far as college stadiums goes, the fucking fans at Texas A&M in the first half because A&M had beaten Alabama and Tuscaloose for the year before, and they looked like they were going to do it again. And then, you know, Nick Saban put the Gary Payton glove on him in the second half, and that was fucking it.

But that was the loudest fucking stadium I'd ever been. And so anyways, they was showing highlights and all that. So I watched that documentary. And then also I watched this one, Conor McGregor. It's like McGregor forever or something like that. I watched that one. And I mean, those things are just always, anytime they're showing a fighter, getting ready for a fight, a fucking,

trying to make a comeback or all of that, it's fucking amazing. One point he like fucking thinks he breaks his toe and the guy's like fucking pulling the thing out to make it better. It's just like, they get the shit kicked out of him during camp and then they have to go in and go fight somebody.

It's really amazing and then they actually show fighters like dealing with defeat and all of that which I think a lot of fight fans really need to watch. So they stop talking all of that shit on YouTube and have a little respect for both the winner and the loser as like all of that work That you put in to fight 10 minutes 15 minutes and then it doesn't go your way And then you just sit and go and like what the fuck what do I do? And like the strength it takes to fucking go back and start all over again go back and start all over again. Deserves a level respect that just does not exist online in any shape of form.

Everybody's like, okay, fuck that guy. You think, okay, we just fucking pussy. It's like, really? Would you walk into an arena, fucking shirtless, to go fight some world-class guy who could beat the fuck out of you? You know, I won't even take my shirt off and the bleachers, I'd be too embarrassed.

So, yeah, I did that, and then I've been reading this book that Brian Holtzman gave me, killers of the flower moon. And I would like to address people that think conspiracy theory is bullshit. And it's like they do this, they do that. Who is they? Who is it? I mean, who is they?

Who is they? The same they, they, the same day, every fucking year when they declassify files from 60 fucking years ago and you start to see what was really going on Every year they declassified more shit Now they're like in the shit from like the 60s and 70s The the geniuses is they wait till everybody who did the shit is dead and then they declassassified and it's like, oh, this is what was really happening. You know, in every year that happens,

but for some people, but yeah, but that was back then. It's not like, yes, right now too. Right now too. Right now too, they will declassify a bunch of shit when we're all dead about what the fuck they were really doing. You know, I saw this thing recently about recycling, how they haven't been doing it, and how like oil companies came up with recycling

just because it would make people feel good to think that they were recycling even if they weren't. I mean, it's like diabolical shit, and they 100% get away with it, and then they go after like fucking sports broadcasters who say the wrong thing in the bottom of the third inning All right, are you gonna make this point every podcast? Probably I Haven't echo it makes me feel like I know what I'm doing here So anyway

I know what I'm doing here. So anyway, oh Billy Blyptical, I've been on the elliptical like every single fucking day of my little break here and I'm seeing the results. I'll tell you though, what is really amazing about the human body is how it can, you can be like fucking 15 pounds overweight and still look good in a t-shirt. And you're like, you know, and you're lighting yourself. What you really have to do is you have to take that t-shirt off and you have to sit on the floor and then look at yourself sideways and lean towards the fucking mirror and then

you'll realize, oh, oh, I'm not even anywhere near in shape. Long time ago, special K, this was not a special needs program, this was actually a serial that claimed that you'd lose weight if you fucking ate it, which no one ever really proved. And they were like, can you pinch an inch? And it was like love handles. And like, I can pinch an inch, any fucking wear on my torso. Shoulder blade, man tits. I don't know what happened to me so

I'm just gonna keep fucking going here I'm gonna keep working out and drop it away right through the fucking Euro tour Because I always make sure I'm in great shape when I go to Europe because those fucking cons those fat cons always saying that we're fat Cons so I have to go over there and make sure that I look good with a shirt on. I mean, the bottom line is when you're north of 50, unless you're cheating, you know, taking like, you know, those guerrilla roads

that a lot of people, there's a lot of fucking dudes out there taking that shit, you know, faces fucking changing. It's like making the bones in your face grow. What the fuck are you doing? Eat a salad. Do the work. Stop fucking cheating.

Jesus, if you look at these people that are on HGH that take too much of it. What's that fucking thing? You know, the evolution of man where you start off as an ape and then you fucking turn into a dude. They're going back, they're sliding down the back side. I'm waiting for them to drive by one of those fucking, what are they called that stupid fucking? What's that dumb workout where you have to run down the street, pass people at a diner so everybody knows you're working out. Crossfit. You know, I'm waiting for one point like they open that garage door

and they fucking all the people working out come running out on all fours like fucking chimps. You know, Karen, like you ever see data gold imitate a chimp fucking running around. It's fucking amazing. One of my favorite comedians of all time, by the way. That's what I'm picturing. They're going to come and run it out. Just fucking hairy backs and everything, you know, eight packs and all of that.

Anyway, I'm and all of that. Anyway, I'm doing it the all, I just wanna look like a, you know, I settled for the Keith Richards body, you know? I want people to just look at me and be like, did he do heroin in his 20s and 30s? Cause you know how those guys, they're skinny for life, right? They just have that fucking, you know. I don't know what it is.

But like there's some about doing smack in the early part of your life, like you stay shredded like fucking Iggy Pop well into your 60s. It's just the theory, I don't know. Anyway, I found this amazing documentary called GI Junkeys. And it was about, it's filmed in New York City, and it was about all of these Vietnam vets that came back to New York, addicted to heroin, and not getting help and all this stuff.

And the two things I noticed about that video was in the comments section, people were just talking about how shitty Vietnam vets were treated. And for some reason, they don't see that the veterans today are still treated better, but nowhere near with the level of respect and gratitude that they should be. None of those comments were there. And then the other thing was the fucking accents.

The New York City accents, like I feel like accents are going away. Because everybody is sort of exposed to the world maybe with these devices that we have. But I really fucking miss that. You know, like a legitimate, with these devices that we have, but I really fucking missed that. You know, like a legitimate, I remember when I first moved to New York, there was a guy that used to do the ice li on the east side,

the guy that ran the sixth train. Every once in a while I would get up, and he'd be like, next stop, toy-te-toi-toy-toy-toy. And I was just like, that guy has lived here, his entire life. I don't know what borrow, but I know it's not Manhattan. And he probably takes his train to the end and gets off. And probably still lives in his neighborhood.

It was a fucking amazing, I should just sit there with a smile on my face. Listen, and he called 86th Street, 79th, It was a fucking amazing, I just sit there with a smile on my face listening. He called 86th Street, 79th, it's still remember 59th, 51st, 42nd, Doiny Toid, 23rd Street. And then I was like, you're in a square, the master place or something like that. And then I get off and walk over to the cellar. And I used to love when I would get that guy. Or you get like a fucking old school cab driver that had like an accent. But check it out, it's called GI junkies. And it was, I mean, what's amazing is in the end of it, it's like a bunch of Vietnam vets in a circle and a therapy

thing. And they let them film it. And the Vietnam vets are trying to help this other Vietnam vet. And you just see how far therapy has come. And they're just like yelling at the dude. How does it make you feel though? You're not talking about your fucking fucking face. It's like yelling at him. Like adding to like the trauma, but you know, they didn't know anybody better back then. Oh fuck, it's my phone gonna die

geez Let me see if I have any reads here for this week, but check that out. It's on YouTube. It's amazing But like really listen to the The accents it's funny is the black dudes in there a couple of them that keeps you go you understand You understand what I'm saying and I'm like did that morph into you know what I'm saying and then it morphed into your herd and Then that morphed into you feel me, you know It's talking about that the club soda Kenny who trying to like the evolution

Of that like slang, like they could do it like with white dudes, like let me tell you something, say like what did C become, I don't know the brain power to figure this out, oh here here we go, here's the here's the fucking racefully, oh look who it is everybody. Indochino. Looking sharp, all wedding season long shouldn't be expensive. With a custom fitted suit from Indochino. That's my thing. I want to be fucking skinny as Khan and McGregor. But he's fucking shredded.

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So your homework this week is to watch GI junkies. You don't have to do this. The Johnny Mansell documentary, the Conor McGregor documentary, and the AC DC, let there be rock. You don't have to do any of that shit, but those are all, I give all of those five stars. All right, five freckled stars.

Anyway, the Pats got a preseason game. You know, I look about the Pats this year, nobody's talking about them. It's all Aaron Rodgers Rogers this, Josh fucking, what's his name, Hamilton? What the fuck's his name? Not Josh Hamilton. Josh, the fucking mountain of a man with the boy face.

He's got the face of an eight year old boy from like a claymation thing, you know? He looks like Davey from Davey and Goliath, if he did HGH. I'm not saying those things. Josh Allen. Okay. And that's what's on my calendar.

The first fucking weekend is that Monday night game. I told you, I'm going to keep saying it. Aaron Rogers brings the jets back in New York City Classic fourth quarter drive You know Wins the game on the final play All the jets are like yeah, we got our guy all those off track bet and fucking loses that route for the jets are all fucking excited They're shoulders finally come back their head comes up a little bit They're shown to finally come back. Their head comes up a little bit.

And then Josh Allen meets them in the middle of the field. And nods, says, good game, old man. I'll see you in November whenever they play him again. And then I think Buffalo wins that one. And I think it's going to be really entertaining. And I think they're going to beat the fuck out of each other. And then meanwhile, the fucking dolphins allayin' in the weeds. And then you got the pets, right?

Everybody disrespect and billbelly checked. They're not talkin' about him at all. Oh, maybe we got some weapons from Mac Jones to throw to. Maybe we got a little more protection. I like our defense. I like, you know what? I think the fact that we just have an offensive coordinator this season

is gonna pay some dividends. By the way, the right fielder, who's the right fielder for the Kansas City Royals, that kid played an amazing game. He ran down a Tristan Cassis fucking shot that I thought was going to go into the first row of the seats and I thought that kid was Too shallow he ran and he got on his horse as they say and Just in stride just reached up caught it like it was a routine and And then his arm Somebody hit one into the gap and I thought I was like oh my god Is that gonna be a triple is that gonna be a triple this guy fucking got this ball Through it over the cutoff, man.

No bounce, right to the second basement. It arrived, right as the runner did. The runner was standing up, but it was actually close. And he made a couple throws like that. It reminded me, you know, Dwight Evans. Anytime you're in Fenway Park, you see a great throw. I mean, you gotta be thinking Dwight Evans, am I crazy? Anyway, so that's it.

I got two big shows this weekend. I'm in Springfield, Massachusetts, and I am in Halifax, Canada. Oh, Canada. You're no better than we are. Get off your high horse. Ever deadly black people invented hockey. Indians created fucking love, cross.

So all you did was make syrup. Sorry. All right. That's it. All right, that's the podcast. We will have a bonus half hour of, a Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning morning podcast right after the amazing music picked out by Andrew Thomas right that's it I used to be such a sweet sweet thing to lay, God would have made I want them doors, and then the whole lady, I help them fly the sea.

I got no friends cause they read the papers. They can't be seen with me, and I'm in real shock. Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 10th 2015, how's it going? How are you? What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing? It's Monday. Do you get through it? Are you listening to it on the way home on the way there? I put it up early this week or at least I tried to I have my brand new I I put it up early this week or at least I tried to. I have my brand new, uh, I switched internet carriers because I just wasn't getting any,

it's taken me forever to upload these podcasts and I'm all psyched now. So I got this new fucking internet, right? It's such a racket. You know, my old internet sucked in every room in the house. My new internet is unbelievable in the living room and you can't get any connection anywhere else. No where else. We'll fucking let you on and it's frustrating but uh... but whatever. I uploaded my Thursday podcast, it uploaded in like 17 seconds and it usually was taking me like a half hour to upload 30 fucking minutes. Um, just because where I live this, this, you know,

to low signal which evidently isn't a bad thing because I just ran into this fucking lady And she was telling me all this shit about fucking Electromagnetic shit passing through your fucking head and was telling me yeah, yeah turn off your router every night Give you your body a chance to get rid of all of this shit. And who the fuck knows? You know, I guess when she was trying to claim it, when you sign that fucking Apple agreement, there's something that you never read, you just sign it,

that there's something in there that basically says, yeah, if this laptop gives you a ball cancer or a fucking brain cancer with the phone, you can't sue us and all of that type of shit, which is totally believable because all they gotta do is just push that through Congress and none of those cons make any money and they need the money of the rich people

so they go, hey, you wanna fucking still be in office? Well, do you? You still want that side piece in your own private subway over to the fucking thing there under the capital? The past is goddamn bill. And they go, all right, that's why we have fucking income tax. That's why we have all of this fucking shit. That's why I love Donald Trump during that Republican debate, he actually have to shit. You consto me. I should be walking around with tin foil on my head.

He fucking said it during the debate. He goes, you give a politician money. They'll do whatever you want. And he goes, I've given everybody money up here in this panel. There was like 10 guys and only one guy goes, you can't give anybody. It's fucking hilarious. They'll do whatever you want. So they go, well, what'd you give to the Clintons for?

What do they want? He goes, I wanted Hillary to go to my wedding. And you know what, the bitch showed up. She fucking showed up. So there you go. I don't know what the fuck that has to do with routers, but I feel vindicated. All you cunts forever was sitting there telling me that I got my fucking my tin foil hat on because I didn't think it made a bit of difference

with the evoting in a fucking Republican or a Democrat because you know those fucking cunts got enough money to put money on both horses. So this shit's still getting pushed through, right? That's why when they go on the fucking debates, they don't talk about the population problem. They don't talk about genetically altered food. They don't talk about fucking anything. Running out of water, they know. All they talk about is fucking broads, getting jobs and education, and fucking, and whatever the fuck would do it over there. It's supporting the troops. You know what I mean? Hey, am I out of my fucking mind here? Didn't we defeat Germany and Japan in like three and a half four years? It's like four and a half years. Along with the Italians and whatever else was with the fucking Germans.

Right? We got that fucking, we got a world war. We got a fucking world war done Collectively when the fuck did it start 39 40 it was over by 45 five years. We got the shit over with What are we doing now? We're over there with these fucking console. They got as a jungle gym 15 years into this shit 14 fucking years into it You know what it was with the World War two was we had no intentions of taking over the country and staying there That's what it is. We have an occupation going on here. So what are you gonna do? You're fucking there You know you're over there trying to build a Starbucks, you know put up a staples you know You're just gonna be constantly engaging with the enemy over there. I don't know man

What a fuck do I get off talking about something that big? You know why this is my podcast. What are you gonna do about it? I'll tell you I'm gonna sit right there and you're gonna fucking listen to it I'm not you shut it up. I don't give a shit Anyway, so I finally have some good internet and evidently because I went from point Anyway, so I finally have some good internet and evidently because I went from point 3-0 megabytes per minute signal now I have like 300 per minute now I get upload a podcast in two seconds, but I'll probably gonna fucking die in like a year and a half From the fucking beam that's coming from the thing that floats over your house out there in space, right? The satellite

How come fucking Steve Jobs died a cancer pancreankyad cancer, you know what that was from, right? All those years, they're having that laptop sitting on his stomach. He was trying to beat old Billy Gates, right? And there he is having to sign the fucking agreement this might give you cancer. And he got fucking, he got killed by his own monster. It's like one of those Frankenstein movies, right? Fucking laptop picked him right up and threw him right in the lake. And all Steve fucking you got killed by his own monster it's like one of those Frankenstein movies right fucking laptop picked him right up and threw him right in the lake and all Steve he couldn't swim could he now they had those gray new balances weighing him down took him right down to the bottom of the good you died an angry man from what I heard where did you hear that billed that by some guy who didn't fucking know him that's why I hear most of my shit.

Anyways, so I am not boozed. Oh god, I miss it. Oh, I miss it. So somebody gave me the green light to booze to. I was like, well, you know, I'm not an alcoholic, but I was definitely drinking like one. And this person was like, well, I came from a family of alcoholics. When you drink, does it get in the way of your life? Because your life, you're not able to function if you don't have it, I was like, no. She goes, and you're not an alcoholic. I was like, that was fucking great. Can you do that the next time I get fat?

Can you tie your shoes? Yeah, well, you're not fat. Okay, just keep eating a banana split. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Who the fuck orders a banana split? Pass the age of like six or seven? Are you out of your fucking mind? Why don't you just stick a gun in your mouth?

Spin the barrel and pull the trigger. Fucking banana split. You know what's funny about the banana split? The back in the day that was like you ordered every flavor of ice cream. You know, back in the day there was was vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate. That was it. And you got it from the farmer down the street. And there was no fucking electromagnetic bullshit flying through your fucking head. As you sat there, you walked in, right? When you were like, Hey, clam. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, give me all of them. Give

you a scoop, everything. I'm gonna pay you fucking mortgage tonight. By ordering three scoops of fucking... Pay you mortgage for the month, by ordering three scoops of fucking ice cream. No, no, no, only one banana. Split in half, sticking up both sides. Like a banana, fucking ice cream sandwich. Oh, doesn't that sound delicious?

I'm hallucinating that. I've been still alive for it, they haven't had any chips, haven't had any fucking ice cream no cookies no cake no fucking fast food no nothing And I'm a great shape, and you know what I'm bored. I'm bored. I miss the highs Of sugar the lows of the salt coming back down all right We want to thank you for flying. We know you have a lot of choices out there Right, you're fucking shoving the salt in after you when you went through the stratosphere

with the sugar. Get too high like fucking Chuck. Yega. What are you doing then? Huh? You open up a fucking bag of jacks. You stick that orange shit right down your fucking throat. Don't you? and you fucking throat, don't you? Coming in for a landing. People, please refrain from standing up. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about either. Don't feel lost. All right. So anyways, add my weigh in today.

All right, and I needed to be 174. 174 and I weighed in at 173.6 all freckles is fucking killing it I have lost 13 pounds on the nose Dan Marina number 13 Ken Liddensman number 13 I don't know else was number 13 whatever there's two people I don't know who else was number 13 whatever there's two people 13 fucking pounds 13 pounds and I'm actually Finally on people starting to go hey you lose and wait. That's how fucking fat I was I

Loose 13 pounds just to kind of be out of shape, you know Man titties are going away, you know, I got a little belly You don't I mean like yeah, yeah, I have like a fucking Have you see a rack and I rack who knows squirrel Goes out needs a whole pumpkin that sits there with its fucking belly all the standard That's what I look like now. I look like a fucking squirrel. They had a pumpkin and You're like Bill. Why did you come up with that because I saw it? I fucking saw a squirrel after it did it. It was fucking sitting there.

The big distend, I got a trucker belly. But it was adorable. That's the kind of stomach I have right now. So anyway, son, Jesus Christ, I got what I got to do. I got, what was my goal? 162. I'm going down low this time.

I'm getting fucking skinny and then building back up with the muscle Right then I'm coming back on the booze and I figured by the end of the air can be over two bills. That's good for you hot Whatever I'm psyched to be back down to this goddamn weight I feel but I am in I am in I remember I was telling you guys like the different shape there's With a jacket on in shape, right? Jack it off in shape, button down shirt, shape,

button down, tucked in shape. Did I say sport coat in there? Somewhere there's a sport coat. After the jacket is a sport coat, then there's a button down shape. Then there's t-shirt on tuck shape. That's what I'm at. Then there's tucked in t-shirt. Then there's no t- on tuck shape. That's why I'm at. Then there's tucked in t-shirt.

Then there's no t-shirt and then the granddaddy of them all sitting down, no shirt on, still of a flat stomach. The only thing you have is those little fucking wrinkles because, you know, if you actually reach up to get some cereal, you don't want the skin to tear. You need like, you need it for when you reach. Anyways, any fucking ways. All right, so what should I talk about next? Oh, Rest in Peace, Frank Gifford, man. I'm actually really sad about that. I'm not even going to lie to you, man. That guy was, he was the fucking man. He had such a great voice. I mean, he was part of basically, he can't say, he replaced Keith Jackson. Oh, no, he replaced him on Monday night football in Keith Jackson.

Dandy Don Meredith and Howard Co-Sell, there's never been a better announcing team. At least in football, as far as I'm concerned. And I just remember being as a little kid. When my dad would actually let me stay up and watch at least the first quarter came on at nine o'clock at night So I'd get to stay up to like 939 40 when they would start that show And Frank Gifford would I mean how would go sell would be doing the highlights? That's where I got that thing when I was still doing the draft King's thing because of that man right there I read the little James Simpson right and he gets y'all fucking Amped up

for the fucking game and then they to immediately come back With Frank Gifford who just had the best fucking voice ever And then dandy Don would sing a song. It was just there was the best man. It was the best. They always seemed like they Went out got some drinks afterwards. It was the best. They always seem like they went out and got some drinks afterwards. It's just, um, the who's kidding? The kind of men that hipsters have been making fun of relentlessly and nerds have made fun of for whatever, just basically the guy's guy. For whatever reason, the guy's guy is, uh, I don't know, I guess because most writers

are nerds. So they resent the guy guys guy because when they walk into the room they've never held court i guess i don't know what it is not saying i'm a guys guy but i would fucking love to hang out with those guys and i would shut the fuck up when they told stories you know i don't know it just seems like every fucking commercial now is if there's a guy in it right if he's not being a complete moron with some woman rolling or fucking eyes

It's always like some guy out in the woods and he's like fucking You know got a bear in a headlock and chop it down a tree with his foot just this overly ridiculously manly shit It's annoying to me that's something to aspire to to be an outdoorsman You know be out there in the woods see something big and furry and fucking take it out You know like that dentist did when he went over to Africa I mean say what you will takes a lot of balls to smuggle a fucking lion's head out of Africa doesn't it? As a dentist a fuck do you get off doing some CIA shit like that? You just got done doing a fucking composite on Friday on Monday you coming back with a lion's head

It's incredible. I don't I don't condone it. I'm a big fan of fucking animals Which is why you know at the end of the day with all these electromagnetic fields taking a bunch of people out in the future that really doesn't bug me You know Doesn't bug me we got it. It's time for us to go. It'll at least like thin the herd, right? Maybe these corporations are doing a good thing. They're fucking, they're making like a corporation raid. You know, kills bugs dead. Maybe it'll punch and oh my god. Can you imagine the fucking nerds that are going to be dropping? You know, the full amount of fucking nerds that are gonna die and then Jesus Christ,

then what are we gonna do? Go back to the fucking storage. You need nerds, just like you need the guys guy. Right? You gotta have somebody out there doing extra manly. She, you know what kills me is the amount of people that are making fun of Frank Gifford, he had one fucking affair. You know,, if he had more than that, fuck

you. You walk a day in his fucking cleats, being the star fucking half back. You know, the New York Giants. You played in the greatest game ever played against the fucking cults. You want a championship. You played for USC for USC You know your high school football team. I mean football stadium in Bakersfield, California is named after you Let's see you handle that fucking Those beautiful women throwing themselves at you, you know Kathy Lee's giving you shit about where you're putting your shoes and all of that And then you go out and there she is Bad enough fucking eyes at you You know

You walk a day in those fucking you fucking don't do anything Then you could judge Frank until then you shut your fucking Ringless championship fingers Championship ringless fingers. I think that's how I'm supposed to say it. Anyways, yeah, so that's it. They're all gone. Keith Jackson is the last one, and this is all making me feel very, very fucking old. This whole changing of the guard, man.

All of these guys, Vince Scully, Keith Jackson, Frank Gifford, Howard Cassel, all these guys, you know, as these new guys, these snarky fucking guns who come in and sit there taking the piss out of the fucking athletes, that ESPN thing, which was kind of funny at first when they made the highlights kind of funny, but I don't like it now. You're a nerd. That's why you're behind a desk. That guy's an athlete and he's better than you. And you want his life, quit taking pot shots at him when he's better than you. And you want his life. Quit taking pot shots at him when he's not around. And I could say that because I never take pot shots

on athletes. On this podcast, I say, do I've done it all the fucking hell? A fucking hypocrite. What do you want for me? Well, we'd like a quality podcast every once in a while. Oh, you stop with the hurtful shit. All right. what am I doing? How let's read some advertising here? See how long these people last All right Well, we got a new advertiser this week. Well God knows some slots have opened up. All right, all right. There we did it. We got through it It's over So anyways, oh, you know what I get finally fucking gave in to Jimmy Page for like the 50th time

since John Bonham has died has figured out a new way to repackage the same fucking 1011 albums that they made. And I bought all of them every fucking time and this time I was like you know what fuck you Jimmy Page I'm done I'm done with you coming up with the same bag of fucking goods and it just put a different fucking wrapper on it and then you know with some never received phone never before seen photos at all of that shit so I ignored the first one, I ignored the second one. And now the final one came out, Led Zeppelin presence, Led Zeppelin in through the outdoor and Led Zeppelin Coda.

And I guess the Coda one has been getting some rave reviews. So I finally said, fuck it and I went down. And I bought all three of them, but I didn't buy the box thing that came with a booklet. Little never seen before photos, but 99% of him have already fucking seen, you know, and I haven't had a listen to it yet, but I went down and I bought those. I didn't get, but I didn't get the whole big fucking thing with the CDs and all that goddamn horseshit. And Jimmy promises this is the last time that he's gonna repackage this shit. And I did pretty good this time. I only bought

I only bought like one One issue of it, I know and they said one of them they won't like the very you know the That hey, hey, what can you do like it still obscure? It's like you can listen to that whenever you want on the internet And it's also you fucking release that It's like you can listen to that whenever you want on the internet and it's also you fucking release that On some box that I remember in the 90s the one that had the fucking shadow of the Zeppelin Over the cornfields, right? Isn't that what happened? I don't fucking know. I don't know

But I've been playing drums like a fucking maniac and I've been taking lessons Trying to work on my technique and it turns out I was doing everything wrong. So literally today I'm learning how to hit a fucking snare drum. Something I've done probably a hundred thousand times in my life thinking I was doing it correctly. And anybody who plays drums, if you ever get a chance to just break down everything that you do. It's fucking amazing. This teacher I have and he's showing me all this stuff where Just even like where I was hitting the shaft of the stick on the hi-hat. I was hitting it where it was starting to taper So I wasn't getting it was getting more of a tinny sound and he had me move it up. That was night and day the molar method of just my arm totally fucking relaxed,

getting a better sound. And then today, he was showing me something. I was playing something on the belly of the symbol. And because of the way I was holding the stick, whenever I hit the bell, I could hear the bell, but it never sounded good. But now because I wasn't choking the shit out of the stick, like the stick has a different sound.

And it makes a different, no, it makes a more like, it's like a brighter, it was like I was choking on the stick which was choking off the sound of the symbol, all the drums and all of that type of thing. And I would get fucking blisters and shit. And I always thought, oh, I haven't played in a while. So I got blisters, it's like, no, you dope, you're holding a fucking stick wrong.

So I don't know. So I'm going to just do that like 15 times a day. So it'd be like if you drove a car for 20 fucking years and all of a sudden somebody showed you a different way to drive a car. And if you want, but as you got behind the wheel, be totally uncomfortable and you couldn't drive it as well as you could.

And the temptation to just go back to the other fucking way is the biggest battle out of all of it. But I am going to, I'm gonna stick with it. And as I do a shit, you know, I try to stick with shit. Once I start to learn, speaking of that man, I think all my shit's gonna come this week for the big green egg and I'm finally gonna try and smoke something, fuck it up and then fix it.

So I'm gonna get the smallest pork shoulder. Maybe I'll just get some ribs. And I'll try smoking those fucking things. Just see if I can actually get a, for me to keep it at a certain at a, at a certain temperature. I don't, I still don't get how you fucking do it. I've watched all these goddamn YouTube videos. Actually, it was on PBS today watching a barbecue show.

Uh, by the way, PBS unbelievably underrated PBS. It's like you watch something and then they show upcoming programs. It's like, I want to watch all of that. That all seems cool. So, um, anyways, but you know something let them all over the fucking map today. Speaking of Frank Gifford, which I was like 20 goddamn minutes ago football season. How far away is it? Now it starts in the second week of September. Is that what the fuck it is? I have no idea. All I know is Tom Brady

comes back in the fifth week, nice and rested, nice and pissed off, so I'm fucking excited about that. I know college football starts, I think like the first week, maybe, of September. I was sitting there fucking looking for something to watch today. I watched a couple of seconds of the WNBA,

and I was like, all right, let me find a baseball game which I couldn't find because I don't have the MLB package. So there was no game I wanted to turn it on. So then I watched a whole thing on that 13-year-old girl that pitched the Little League World series, watched something on her, then went back to the WNBA, and it's just, next thing you know, I'm watching like a fucking, how to smoke meat on PBS,

because there's absolutely nothing going on. Maybe that's why they're doing all this Tom Brady shit. It's just like completely fucking a slow news day. Nobody knows what the, you know, like what do you do? Fucking, I, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You guys don't give a fuck about any of this. Let me, here's something for you. I bought those fucking Zeppelin things on vinyl, and I wanna tell you guys that the reason why I buy vinyl is because I just think it looks cool. It's nice, you can actually see what the album cover looks like.

You can hold it in your hand, you know? It doesn't, you know, all of a sudden have a little cloud next to it, and then I gotta buy it again or something crashes. I like that, but I'm gonna be the first to tell you, I cannot tell the difference even remotely between vinyl a cassette tape a CD or fucking digital I have no idea what little Stephen is talking about and all these fucking rock stars that I'm not gonna be that guy that goes it sounds better

huh can you hear that can you hear that bass drum pedal? That sounds the exact fucking same to me. Same thing with all those reissued guitars. This is a reissued 1959 Les Paul. Here's a real one. You hear the difference? No sir, not at all. That's probably because I have shitty ears.

But you know what, there's a bliss in that. You know, that's how you can drive a Prius. I drove a goddamn 2008 Prius in traffic right next to a fucking Lamborghini today. I did it. You know, what a fucks he going. Dude, if you drive a Lamborghini down the street, you're a fucking jerk off. The only time that car should be on the street is if it's driving up to a ramp, to be loaded onto a truck, to then be taken to the track.

What kind of a fucking asshole? I guess you drive around and just women fucking drop their panties. I guess that's why you do it. But then by all means, don't date, don't date some woman that just runs up to your Lamborghini. You can't fucking date that. You can't what you got to do you got to drive around like a fucking Ford S Courts station wagon right and then start hitting on women you know well I mean that's too that's

too much that's too much of a test what kind of fucking woman wants that you know they're allowed to have standards you know oh are we built thank you yeah I'd say drive around you know, oh, are we built? Thank you. Yeah, I'd say drive around in a fucking a late model, maybe a Nissan leaf. Let's just drive around. Yeah, I'd be a fucking interesting like fucking prank show. If you had a guy, he pulls up in a Nissan leaf and he fucking hits on some chick, right? And she tells him to fuck off and he drives away,

whoosh, in his fucking electric car. And he drives around the corner, he puts on a fake mustache and a hat and now he's in a Lamborghini, just to see that they're different fucking attitude. But is that really fair? That's not fair, is it? Why wouldn't a woman wanna talk to a guy in a Lamborghini?

What is she supposed to do? You know? What woman lays in bed's going, you know, it's some day I'm going to meet my prince charming and he's going to pull up an a Nissan leaf. They don't think that, do they? I don't know what they think. Why would I talk for them? Do you think Caitlin knows what they think now? Or Bruce now knows? Because now he's Caitlin. You ever think about that?

Do you think Caitlin looks in the mirror every once in a while? And it talks to Bruce? I can't imagine what that must be like. You know what I mean? Cause if you wanted to do that right now you freed yourself. But then you know what I mean. Don't you miss the other person a little bit? Then you have all his fucking memories. You like fucking Robocop. You know, you still having like flashbacks and shit. I don't know. I don't fucking know. All I know is I wish Bruce gave a farewell.

That would have been awesome. You know what I mean? And a great time being Bruce. So a lot of weed he't we you know one that the Catholic I was on chips right great time with all you guys I'd want to thank all of you for being there for me this is it this is a living wake for fucking Bruce Jenner and then he just walks off. You get to get one more standing ovation. I think that's what fucks me up. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

You know, what happens when somebody fucking dies? We didn't die. He just became Caitlin. I got to meet her to see if I can just be like Caitlin. You might as if I asked Bruce a question. Or can I ask a Bruce question? How do I phrase this without getting in trouble with you? Glancing down at a feet, you know. See if you can fucking see all those years of running track and field down there you know I think Caitlin goes with a closed-toe shoe when you probably his hammer toes you can't do all those events without it and fucked up feet you know what I mean I mean Jesus Christ if you danced in wicked for on a

rage stage for fucking five seasons you're feeding on be fucked up for life that's a goddamn musical. This guy this guy want to want he want to fucking the Catholic. Jesus Christ. This guy be some fucked up fucking. We've just got the most fucked up feet. Basketball players, tennis players. Oh, by the way, I'm reading this Andrey Augusty autobiography that somebody gave me. Man, it's fucking unbelievable. Jesus Christ. I'm only like, like the first 60 pages.

He had one of those dads that just decided that it's like, hey, guess what you're doing? You're going to be the number one tennis player in the world. And you're sitting there like, I just want to play with my lugga's and he's like shut the fuck up get outside I built you a tennis court and then you go out there and you just do that every fucking day and you don't want to do it it's unbelievable what fucking kills me is he didn't want to do it and he's still one wimble then he's still one the US open that he win the French I'm not sure did he Did he get the career grand slam? Oh, I think that's time to look it up. Let's put this Apple computer that might be fucking radiating my nuts right now. Alright, hang on a second. I actually thought for half a second that if I did get it, at least I'd get a flat fucking

stomach. How obsessed am I with this shit? All right, Andre, I guess he crushed me when I found out I was fucking two years old. Oh, and look at that! Oh, the internet doesn't work in here. Isn't that fucking wonderful? Oh, Jesus, fucking Christ. I give up with this shit.

Do you know today I want to use the calculator on my phone and I don't know what button I hit. to use the calculator on my phone and I don't know what button I hit it just fucking kept doubling the number and I couldn't get it to stop and I kept hitting clear and I finally I just set the fucking thing down I went over I got a fucking pencil and a pen I'm sorry and a pad of paper and I just worked it out the old fucking way and you know what my my brain and my hand will never be obsolete until I die, right? Then who gives a fuck as I'm dead, you know? I don't upgrade it. I don't have to get the new one, right? That weird. Everything about that, your hands. The same fucking hand that you've been jerking off with

since you've figured out how to do it. And that I'm real. You ever think about that, your body, my fucking hand is 47 fucking years old. Are you thinking the future, you can just get like new shit? You know what I mean? Like on your car, how you started, goes after a while, then you gotta get a new starter, and and you find because a car will last forever

If you just keep replacing the parts, I think that that's what they're working on doing. You know, but God knows that won't be available to us if they ever Figured out how to fucking do that right they keep it for themselves This is where the conspiracy theory guy comes in if they don't have it already But they would keep that shift for themselves, right? a guy comes in if they don't have it already, but they would keep that shift for themselves. All right. And they just keep fucking, you know, unscrewing and then re-screwing a new fucking head on that body like a goddamn light bulb. You know, then in the future, you can pick out different heads like what do you want to look like? You know what I mean? You can just try out everything

You want to be looking like a schlub, but you can be like every fucking race Every hairstyle, you know You just keep putting your brain in there be like getting a new fucking car every couple of years Who doesn't want to do that? Would you do it? Would you just ride it out? But anyways, I think that they're gonna have it, right? Because they're even grow like a fucking ear and a petri dish, right? They can do that for years.

And then all of a sudden they stop talking about it. They grow ear and a fucking petri dish. And then all of a sudden there was no more talk about it. You know those fuckers didn't stop with, I bet they can do the whole head now. Think about it man Where did Dick Cheney go? He's got all those problems with his heart right with a fuck that he go I bet he's off somewhere getting a new fucking heart getting a new ticker, you know what I mean like a new crate motor

Came in the other day when that be fucking awesome, then you just keep going You know what it is? The temptation to sell that to the masses, you know, all the fucking money that you could make because that's what the fuck they're into, right? They had eventually have to do it and then they would give us you know we wouldn't get as good as fucking heads as they got it'd be like whiskey they'd be drinking like scotch like top shell fucking shit and we would just get like you know the blood light a heads you know keystone light fucking hard hands or some shit and that would be like, that'll be,

that's gonna be the goal in the future to make enough money that you can actually, you know, when you get your replacement head, you can actually get a good one, like a decent looking one, you know. You go out, you fucking get a deal or some shit, you come into some money and your parents can be like, all right. I don't go out there and blow it all in a head Save some for feet and hands in the future

But mom if I have a better head I can get a better broad All you don't need to do that you just save up money and you buy the broad you're with a better head She loves you for who you are You think can you see that in the future I can't oh I see a future where heads will be sold where do they get their heads? Well, they grow up Then they'll have like bootleg heads you have have to get like, you gotta have like your own fucking head farm. You gotta be like, it's gotta be like sanctioned

by the government, regulated and all that shit. And Tarzad on the day, a raid on a bootleg head farm, right? They had a big fucking greenhouse with a bunch of heads in there. Everybody running out. And Denzel plays the fucking greatest fucking bootleg head dealer ever, you know? King Kong, they got nothing on me!

Right? You've got a bunch of fucking heads behind him. All right, and everybody's like, well that fucking movie's just like his other movie, just with heads. Oh yeah, well you fucking right one. You can't. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. How many minutes is that? I'm just trying to fill time here. It'll give us a shit. Um, all right, by the way, everybody, um, if you'd like to donate to this podcast, um, here's an easy way to do it that won't cost you any fucking money. Next time you go to Amazon, just go to build, go to my website first, click on the podcast page and then click on the Amazon link then you're on Amazon. No fucking big deal All right, and then they kick money back to me for driving traffic there doesn't cost you any money 10% of the money

I kick back to St. Jude in fact I owe those fuckers a check this week You know, I actually you know when I buy shit on Amazon, I go through my website. What a cheap prick, huh? I'm a coming that old guy, that old penny pitcher. Anyway, so if you would like to send an email into this podcast, it's bill at the mmpodcast.com. All right, bill at the mmpodcast.com. That's where you send the shit. Poster information.

If listeners who ordered a southern tour poster have not received it yet, they should email billburmerch at gmail.com, include the name, address, order number. Boston tour posters will arrive within the next 10 to 14 days if they haven't already all right I know what kind of slow with the posters but everybody else was like hey we'll send out your posters and we're gonna take 90% of the profit so I kind of doing it in house here so you know come me some fucking slack. All right, and if you really can't wait,

I'll refund you goddamn money. All right, relax. It's just a fucking poster. Oh, by the way, I have a big announcement. I'm pregnant. No, then I'm making, I'm making today. As of Monday, August 10th at 9 p.m. Tonight 9 p.m. Tonight

Tickets go on sale I'm doing Madison Square Garden if you can believe it Oh Billy fucking redcakes is playing Madison Square Garden on Saturday November 14th Madison Square Garden on Saturday November 14th. I'll tweet out all the shit. I don't have the information right now. They're going to send it to me tomorrow morning, which is your morning right now. So I've already tweeted it out. And the the pre-sale is going to be tomorrow starting at 9 p.m. East Coast time. And the pre-sale code is all you do is you type in Larry Legend 33. One more time for all you Nick fans out there. Larry Legend 33. I'm playing Madison Square Garden and they asked me if I wanted to name the show

and I was like of course and there's only one thing I could name it. Come on, I'm doing stand-up and Madison Square Garden. Led Zeppelin shot the song remains the same in that building. What do I name my special? Come on, think. Does anybody remember laughter? Do you remember that? Well, Robert Plant said that. He gets so much shit for saying that. He said that during the stay away to heaven, right?

He's like, and the forest will echo with laughter. Does anybody remember laughter? Everybody's shit on him. because it was very topical. They shot that in like 73 or 74. So the Vietnam War was winding down. In the last 10 years, anybody with a vision was shot and killed by a lone craze gunman, both Kennedys, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Medgar Aversall, these fucking great people got whacked. And I was a web water gate was going on, the fucking gas prices were going up through the fucking roof, or petrol, who's the fucking English people say. And that was a legitimate question in 1973. Does anybody remember laughter?

But then, you know, the 80s came and everybody was on coke. What the fuck is this guy talking about? I'm laughing all the way to the bank. Bud Fox, greed is good. So that's the name of the show. Does anybody remember laughter? And I like it because Led Zeppelin fans will get it. And I also like it because people who drive by

it'll look like the most arrogant thing ever like I'm saying I'm the greatest comedian ever and none of these on the comics are making you laugh. So yeah so that's happening so I'm doing that and I already know what I'm gonna do if they let me if they let me I'm gonna rent a drum kit and I'm gonna bring in into that building and during the day when it's Completely empty. I'm gonna fucking plug in my fucking iPhone and I'm gonna I'm gonna play To all my fucking zeppelin shit Motley crew all that shit that I came up with and then before the show starts I'm removing the drum kit because I would never make you sit through that I'm removing the drum kit because I would never make you sit through that

During the day I'm gonna have a good fucking time me and Paul Verzi are gonna be doing it I might add somebody else. I'm not sure yet, but as a right now. It's me and Paul Verzi and Paul's fucking hilarious. He was all excited about you know because he's the biggest Nick's fan ever And he said to me goes dude, you know, because he's the biggest Nick's fan ever. And he said to me, he goes, dude, you know what's funny? He goes, I already know what my opening joke is going to be. He knows it in August. That's how much of a fuck I'm just going to say. So somehow it has to be about the nicks is what I'm guessing. So anyways, let's get into the questions here. And by the way, it's an unbelievable, I can't believe I'm going to get to do that. And I want to thank everybody who's come out to my shows over the years and spread the word about my shit.

So I get to do that fucking thing. So that's a major, it's not even a bucket listing. That's not something I ever even thought of ever doing. There's a couple that I want to do, that I really want to do. Is I want to do Royal Albert Hall at some point in England. I got to do that one

because that's another place that Zeppelin played. Although that place really seems like a tight ass place and would not let me bring a set of drums in during the day, but you never know, they might. You know, who knows? Anyways, all right, Frank Gifford, everybody. This is the first question, Bill, I'm not sure if you're going to talk about Frank Gifford's passing.

Do you have a favorite Monday night football involving Gifford? Yes, everyone that he ever did. And of course, the person talks about, you know, all the women that he banged and shit, which is really a nerd thing to do. You know, don't pick on them. I mean, what are you going to do? You fucked a couple of store, this is who gives a shit. So what are you?

You know, I get all these great accomplishments. You know, the fucking guy down at home, depot can't keep his dick in his pants. Frank, if it's supposed to be a saint, the guy lived in almost every decade. I think he did a pretty good fucking job. You know? And God can't get mad at him if there's a God. God should just be throwing his hands up. Well, that's what I get for making a guy that good. This fucking great hair and being the half-back plan in New York, Heisman, trophy winner, Jesus Christ. That's what I made beautiful women for. For guys like this to go out and fuck. In the God in my head, that's how we talks. You know, he doesn't get mad.

Do you think he really gets mad? Like when a Hitler comes on, he doesn't like look at himself like, ooh, fucked up on that one. I must have made that one on Sunday when I was half asleep All right national book day everybody Actually getting back to that Frank give her thing like Those guys were just Frank give her

Don Meredith and How are go sell those guys were absolute gods to me Brian gumball Bob cost, Al Michaels, Keith Jackson, you know, just all those guys. I love Bryant Gumball and Mike Adam Lee when they used to do NFL 81, NFL 80 and all that shit. They were fucking amazing I Just grew up on all of those guys and sports. Well, I don't know it was just it was just different back then sports Was this small fucking thing of just sports fans You know what I mean like the Beatles didn't play half-time at the fucking Super Bowl. They just had a high school goddamn band went out there.

You know, this, you know, the first two Super Bowls, they wanted called Super Bowls, they just called the NFL NFL NFL championship game, and you don't need the one of them sold out. It's fucking unreal, like that's how small it was. I used to watch, I used to watch the local news every fucking night. I used to watch WBZ, NBC, the WBZ channel, which was the NBC affiliate. Jack Williams had just retired, with a Liz Walker, Bob Lowe Bell. And Bob Lowe Bell would do sports. It was like six, seven minutes. That was it. He had to go around the whole fucking league. And if you really wanted to see baseball highlights from around the league, you would watch this week in baseball. Or football, you'd watch inside the NFL on HBO.

And that came out that was fucking unreal. Because all the other thing else you had to do, you had to wait for NFL films to come up with something. So it's totally changed. So those guys were bigger than life. Who is the guy used to be on ABC's wide world of sports? God damn it. I was into everything. Jackie Stewart, when he would do the Formula One racing, he had that Scottish accent. I thought was so fucking cool. Then Scully, of course. And then you had all the local guys and back then you had all those

homers. You know, I hate sports fans that can't stand homer announcers. There's nothing better than a fucking homer announcer. It's the greatest. Do you know those guys used to do the broans in between periods and he grew a beard and he wasn't going to shave it off until we won the cup. This guy had a fucking beard, my whole goddamn life. And I remember when they won in 2011, I went on the internet tried to find the guy to see if he

finally fucking shaved it off. So yeah, these guys, you guys who are young, you'll see it someday, the people that you love when you are a kid, when they get old and they pass away, that kidnid fucking makes you really sad, but then also there's also that thing like, fuck man, a couple more generations, and then it's my turn. Whatever. The fuck, I'm having a great life. You know, if I died tomorrow, I had a great one. I had a great one.

I did. All right, National Book Day. Dear Billy Shakespeare. Of course, I used that one today. Sunday is a national book day. You haven't updated us on what you're reading in quite some time. Any recommendations? Yes, I'm reading the Andre Agassi biography, which I think is called Open.

And it's tremendous. And the reason why I also haven't been updating on anything that I've been reading is because I don't read that much. I take my wife bought that, she bought that Kim Kardashian book of nothing but selfies, like she's really into like pop culture. Oh, we had that argument about it. I'm still seeing that book over by the phone, and I always have to turn it over. I always have to turn the fucking thing over. I just can't. It's just... You ever just walk by and you watch some girl like, or so, you know, doing that really hold the camera up and they're trying to adjust their fucking heads, you know, to try to look better looking, or this is this this angle right here is the way I look the best, you know, somebody should make a fucking, this got to be a thread

of just videos of people fucking doing that shit. Does it build? Does it have to be something like that? They have to be such a crabby old content. Yeah, that's what I'm reading right now. I'm reading the unreagacy open. That's what I'm reading. And it's tremendous. And I like reading autobiographies by people that did great things, which is such a stupid thing to say, because you know, we'll just have some regular guy.

That would be an interesting autobiography. If you just never fucking strive for anything, you know, you just did the bare fucking minimum. You lived in a one-bedroom apartment. You always had like a six-of-fucking-millar high-life, you know, some devil-decks in there. That was it. He sat there and listened to baseball games and the radio and he just stared out the fucking window. You know, there was something to be said about that. You know, I heard it and anybody, you know? Anyways, you know what? I got to find out the name. You know that time a long time ago, me and Bobby Kelly and Joe DeRose have made that short film. She we were in the we were in the Tribeca film festival and we did

And we were with this whole series of short films and this kid I got to find out the name of this. He made this great short film. I'll find it out from Derosa. And I always say that I'm going to find out that I never do, but I'm going to this time. He made this great short film about he had an uncle or his grandfather or something. And he just didn't know anything about him. And he lived a life like that. And when he died, he found the guy's diary. He kept the diary sort of and he was able to piece together this guy's fucking life.

And it was funny because he didn't know the guy, but it was a really funny, I want to say touching, but I don't want you guys to trash me, but it was, it moved you, but it was really funny. And I think, what the fuck was the guy's line? His last words on his deathbed where that, he said, that's it. And I remember saying to Deroza after we saw the film I go, what do you think he meant by that? And Joe said, I don't know, but I would give my left arm to know what he meant. Like who says that's it? Like you know, you're going to die like what did he feel that he knew he was going to die in that moment got now not I fucking prime the pump here I got to get the name of that fucking thing yeah you know

what I'm gonna do I'm gonna stand my wallet up here on the table when I look at that I'll be like why did I stand it up there then I'll fucking remember because if I don't you ever do shit like that I do I don't give a fuck if you don't all right Trump dear Billy elect I don't agree with everything Trump says but i whole heartily believe that he's the only person that can set this country on a course of honesty i'd rather know what a guy is actually thinking and disagree then to not know what he's thinking and to have to have faith

what do you thought um... says phone store girl oh no sorry that's the next one i one hundred percent agree that's he, even though he said all that stupid shit about Mexicans, to just, you know, having a white, like the thing about that guy, the shitty says about Mexicans and stuff, like, is fucked up as it is, it's like, that's what a white guy who's lived on the top floor of a skyscraper, that that's the kind of shit that that's the way they think I went down to the border yeah did you fucking drive by in your air conditioned SUV for

fucking 20 minutes you don't want to talk about I'm not trash and I'm not trash in the guy like to that fucking shitty said about the bankers again I felt vindicated when he was going like when they're giving him a shift for declaring bankruptcy and he goes, he goes, I've done hundreds and hundreds of deals four times, four times I've taken advantage of the bankruptcy laws. By the way, they are laws. So he's not doing anything illegal.

And he goes and by the way, let's not make out these people that loan me money to be these innocent little daisies or whatever. He goes, they're not exactly innocent. He goes, these guys are killers. He's 100% right. 100% fucking right. Haven't said all that. I mean, that money was also put in to the banks by mom and pop people.

But it was printed out by the bankers. And it's really not our money. It's their money. And they give it to you and your jobs to get into as much debt as humanly possible without going under and paying those c cuts for the rest of your fucking life. They are killers. But having said that there's there's no way any one person could get this country in order because what would happen is if he got elected he would threaten everybody else who got in the other way and

no one would work with him in a childish way and no one would work with him. In a childish way and then they would blame him and then the guys who put the money behind all the politicians also own newspapers and everyone would just smear Donald Trump and then every fucking moron who thinks they know shit about politics would be like, so he doesn't work, doesn't fucking work. And it'll go right back to the way that they want it. To truly change any government, to truly fucking change when it's as corrupt as we are in most of the other governments, I'm not just shitting on my country, but as corrupt as we are,

the only way to do it is you have to have literally a revolution and people are going to die and people are going to go on trial and there's going to be fucking firing squads and all that type of shit. You know, you don't just go like, hey, we've had enough and then the people in power go, oh, okay. All right, here's the keys to the castle. Let's see how you do. Can I have a job?

It doesn't go down like that. But I will say that guy, he's a, Donald Trump is a fucking star. But I also liked, there was a couple other guys on the panel. I liked, I liked, uh, Rand Paul. And then I liked the, uh, the older fellow there with the fucks his name. I can't remember, but that guy from Jersey is a fucking dope. He's just smart enough to seem smart, but at the end of the day, he's big fucking roast beef head. He's a fucking dope.

That guy should not go beyond the state level, but he will. He will. Um, all right, phone store girl. All right, Billy boy. Last week my girlfriend lent her cell phone. Oh, what to you? Last week my girl lent her cell phone because mine shit the bed. You missed a word in there.

Lent me her cell phone. Okay. I borrowed a phone on the way to get, oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Here we go. I borrowed her phone on the way to get my new phone because I had some work calls to make. As I left the house, I thought it was strange because it felt like... Because I felt like we would be breaking up soon. I get to the place and a young cute chick is working there.

I end up getting paired with her over the other miserable looking losers working there. Wow, I thought this was going to go another direction. I thought you were going to say you went there and then she got some fucked up text. All right, here we go. At one point, I had to hand her my girlfriend's phone because I had taken a picture of a number I needed to activate my new phone. When the girl slid the picture over by accident, yep, you guessed it. A picture of my girlfriend, topless.

The girl's swipe back immediately, and I just stood there. I actually didn't even really react much. Just kind of took it all in. She looked at me and goes, good for you. Oh, Jesus, this girl's a gamer. That broke the ice.

This girl was very cool. Yeah, you think we jumped around before and after this incident. All right, this is what you need to do. Break up with this other girl immediately because you already said you feel like you're gonna break up and you don't seem upset by it, which means you don't like this girl. You know, lover, I should say, or maybe you lover, but not that way. Dump her and get with this girl. All right. And see where this fucking goes and hold back your heart though for a minute. This girl might be a fucking killer too.

She might be a stud on the other side of the fence and she's going to fucking break your heart. So just see where it goes. I'm already saying that before I get to the end of this. Anyways, he goes, I get in the car and I realize I haven't seen the picture of my girlfriend. She never sent it to me. Perhaps she didn't like it or perhaps it was for someone else. What the fuck just happened? Wait a minute. You guessed it. A picture of my girlfriend, Toplis. The girl swiped back immediately and I just stood there.

Took it all in. She said, Good for you that broke the ice. We kind of joked around before and after the census. I get in the car and I realize that I haven't seen the picture of my girlfriend. She never sent it to me. All because it was on her phone. Oh, right. She sent it to somebody else. This is like a great movie.

But have she? I got no friends, but they read the papers They can't be seen with me, and I'm feeling real shocked down around I'm getting mad, no more, Mr. Night Sky No more Mr. Cleary No more Mr. Night Sky They're safe, he's sick, he's a sea king My dog picked me on the red to dig it I can't blow in my eyes

My poop on all the soap or soap to go I can't blow in my eyes My eyes My window, not a soul for sure Take a look and then have a look I went to church in Carthlyzo Where everybody rose The river's with it You recognize me And twice again I know We said no more Forever Smith it, you recognize me And positive on those

We said no more, Mr. Night Sky No more, Mr. Plea- Plea- No more, Mr. Night Sky We said, you're sick, you're sick No more, Mr. Night Sky No more, Mr. Plea- Não vou me tornar um chá Não vou me te cuidar Não vou me tornar um chá

Que se eu ia ser Eu não sei Yeah!