Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-16

Episode Date: August 11, 2016

Bill rambles about Scotland, packing and squeeze box players.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. It's 9.25 p.m. here. This is a really weird podcast. I'm going to be taping this on my iPhone. I'm probably going to do half of it and then I'm going to head out.

It's my last night in Scotland. I had a fucking blast, but I got to tell you man, Jesus Christ, after spending three fucking days in Scotland, Scotland, ball, go buy a bottle of Wollum, yeah, buy a bottle of Wollum. I fucking, I just want to be dry and it's just rained essentially nonstop and it didn't even have the fucking decency to just rain. It's just been slowly just fucking spitting in your face and I finally was talking to this cab driver on the way over and he was just going, I was like, does it always rain during the summer over here?

It goes the summer. There's no summer in Scotland. Summer in Scotland as you go to Turkey, Greece or Spain or some shit like that. He's just basically saying, I guess the sun never fucking shines here. You know, is it any wonder why everybody's so goddamn funny up here? Oh man, I had such great shows and one of the, another really weird venue. I didn't even know what the fuck it was. It took me like to my third show to realize it was a gymnasium.

I finally saw a backboard, like a basketball rim, you know, with the glass and it was just sort of cranked up against the ceiling and I don't know, just really like, is weird. It was like totally fucking bizarre but some of the best shows I've had on the tour just really had a great time. Scottish people are fucking hilarious. So even when people yelled out, half the time they said shit, funnier than what I was talking about. But yeah, trying to pack up here.

Oh man, I packed perfectly on this fucking tour. I absolutely fucking crushed it. All I have, I'm gonna be over in Europe here for 23 fucking days. I have a little bitchy ass stewardess little wheelie thing and a backpack and that's it. You know why? Because I've fucking traveled and I've done the thing where you bring like fucking five pairs of t-shirts, three different fucking workout things, sweatpants. Oh, oh, what if we go ballroom dancing?

What if another night we go to a bullfight? You know, what if for some reason we do some jousting, right? And you just pack every stupid ass fucking outfit and you know what happens, you're like five days into your fucking trip and you realize that you've worn the same t-shirt every single day and you know what? No one gives a shit. And there's nothing worse than is because then you start buying shit over there, there's no fucking room and you're just looking at all these fucking t-shirts and all these sweatpants

and these stupid fancy hats, whatever the fuck it is you're into that you brought and you never wore. I actually still packed too much shit. There's a, there's a, I got two gray t-shirts. I've yet to use them. Yet to fucking use them. No one knows you out here. No one gives a shit.

You think somebody's gonna walk by, you know, you're gonna walk by someone and they're gonna be like, oh, that's that fucking tourist. Even by yesterday wearing the same t-shirt, you know, it's not high school. Nobody knows who the fuck you are. Anybody can blow anybody away. So yeah, that's it. I packed like an absolute champ and now, now I'm home, I'm going to the motherland. Now I'm going to Germany, where I've never really done a background check on me, but

I just looked at a little bit of the family tree. I got a lot of German last names in the tree. So I know I got a significant amount of fucking Germans blood in me. Dude, I got to give it up to the Scots, you know, a lot of countries you go to, their money just looks fake and stupid. The fucking Scots got great currency. These coins actually seem like they're worth something. They got to wait to them, you know, they got some good designs on them.

Plus, it always helps that people from Scotland talk like they're pirates, you know, just gives a, of some sort of level of like, I don't know, credibility. Anything that they're fucking saying. I'm sure the audio is a little fucked up and literally packing right now as I'm talking to you. I'm going to try to knock half of this out before I get out of here. But tonight, I actually had my first night off, you know, in 10 days. I did 13 shows in the last 10 days, and I was doing at least an hour and a half every

night for the most part, except the first show here. They told me to only do an hour, but after that, every other one, I try to do like a buck 15. So, I've done, I don't know, somewhere between 23 and 25 hours of stand up, and it was really nice to have a day off. But I actually went out tonight and I saw the great Tommy Tjernan at this place called the Gilded Balloon. And he's an absolute legend in Ireland, Irish guy, absolute legend there, all through Ireland,

all through fucking Great Britain, and into Europe. And it was great, man, it was fun to be an audience member just sitting there watching an absolute master up there, storyteller and all that stuff, man, it was so cool. And I just got to hang out and join, but you know what fucking sucks? The number one fucking thing that I cannot stand about going to a live, to anything where you got to have these rows of chairs, I just got this perfect seat in the back, right? No problem. I get one row behind me, I deliberately sat in the back, you know, because I want to get

the whole thing. I want to watch him do his thing, I want to see the crowd react, I want to see, you know, I just want to take the whole thing in, right? And I'm sitting in this right before the fucking show starts. Just like every time you go to a movie, like, oh, thank God, no one around is talking, right? And then the fucking loud cunt comes walking in right before the lights go down to show the coming attractions, right? Something happened at Tommy's show, everything was great, I'm chilling out.

And then I never really got a good look at this guy, but this guy just sounded like the biggest mouth breathing moron ever. He sounded like his diet was horrible, they just drank and boozed, he was like having problems just breathing. And then when he laughed, you could just tell he was dumb. He just fit and I go like, the whole fucking time. And then if he would inhale like too much like that, then he would cough and I would feel the wind on the back of my neck like every third or fourth cough.

So now I am totally like leaned forward because, you know, it's Tommy's show, it's fucking sold out. And I got to lean forward like, I don't know what, like I'm playing catcher or some shit and then I got to kind of look up so my neck is fucking killing me, I can't lean back and the guy, it took every, every skill that I have of blocking people out, which my skills are terrible to try to make this guy not ruin the show. Fortunately, Tommy was so fucking funny, I was still able to enjoy it. But the guy behind me was so annoying me that even when he would laugh, because he had such

a dumb laugh, I'm like this, you didn't fucking get what Tommy was saying there, he's too fucking brilliant for me. And he said, they're going, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. That for a fucking hour. It was like a Mel Blank voice, um, you know, which way did he go? That's what it reminded me of. Is this still fucking recording or did it turn off? All right, good.

All right. Well, I've knocked out like seven minutes of it. Um, there's a very, uh, very important man in town right now. He's the teen idol sensation from the opening Anthony program. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, uh, to a local bar, have a couple of sass burrillas with them, see how his festival went. Um, wearing my action slacks that I bought. I know they're not literally called action slacks, but I don't give a shit.

These things are, you know, anytime you have on pants that look like they could go with a suit, but you could also do yoga in them. Those are fucking action slacks. I don't care how cool they make them now. You know, I don't care what NBA player fucking dances around with them, doing all the tricks with the ball and then hits a fucking three pointer. You know, I forget who makes these things. It's the one that has the H on it, the hard castle in the Cormac, what do they call it?

Under armor. You know, I don't know, he's always trying to have a badass name for this shit. So anyways, um, thank you to Scotland. The French festival and everybody that, that, um, that came out, uh, and thank you to everybody in Amsterdam. Did I talk about Amsterdam the other day? I think I did on the podcast. Yeah, I did.

Oh, I also forgot to mention I went up to, uh, I went up to office seat today, which is this hike where you get a 360 degrees view, panoramic view of, um, and burr and how the fuck you supposed to say? And that's supposed to say Berg, evidently, or the locals get annoyed. And on a clear day, which I don't know that they even have here, um, you can, uh, you can see all the way to Glasgow, which I performed there a couple of times. So, um, I went over there and I was going to meet fucking De Rosa and Ari Shafir, but you know, I couldn't figure out where the fuck they were at.

And of course it was raining. So I was just like, I'll just meet you guys up top, you know, because it's like all these different ways in, and I climbed up this fucking thing and it's hilarious. There's just no signs telling you where to go. It's this giant fucking thing. And it's just, if you find it, you find it, they don't give a fuck. Half of it was these, these rocks, these lava rocks that I swear to God, any one of them, any one of them, if you slipped and fell, if you hit it, you shattered your elbow

or fractured your fucking skull, there was no railings. There was no signs. Watch your step. It was just like, yeah, man, you know, just keep walking up the hill, eventually you'll get to the highest one and you'll know where the fuck you're supposed to go. There was just a bunch of tourists like, is it up this way? Or did, did we go the wrong way?

You know, and it was fucking pouring down, raining. Nobody gives, gave a shit, no concern of a lawsuit. It was funny. Like reminded me when I was a kid, right before everybody got so happy in my country and I ended up getting all the way up to the top. And I, you know, I don't have a raincoat because I'm a man, you know, or I probably shouldn't even say that. I guess if I was a real man, I would have bought one would address the fact that you

need a coat for when it rains, specifically a raincoat. But I've never been able to get myself one because they just always, I don't know, I just, I just remember as a kid, if you had a fucking raincoat blast like third grade, you just, it just meant, could you, could you please beat the shit out of me? No one had a fucking raincoat, right? You didn't, you just fucking, I used to do a bit about that. Put your shoulders up. That was it, right?

So I was up there with this, I don't know. I don't know what the material was, but it fucking totally lost the battle with water. And I got all the way up to the top and of course the wind is whipping around. And I'm waiting for Ari and DeRosa to show up from whatever side of the fucking hill they were coming up. But, you know, I was thinking like, all right, Ari's in good shape. You know, I know he's done some MMA stuff. I don't think he's going to be the problem.

I don't think he's the, he's the wheel that's slowing that wagon down. I know it was DeRosa. He was probably fucking making that face he always makes. And I was just standing up there. I gave him like five minutes and I was just like, fuck this, I don't see them anywhere and ended up walking down, went this different way. And I had on like new balance sneakers, you know, the Steve Job ones, which have people always give me shit going, you know, you know, those are old white

guy sneakers like SNL did a, did a whole sketch talking about how those are old white guy sneakers. And I'm, you know, it's like, well, I'm, I'm an old white guy. So I will wear these sneakers. They were not good for the slippery lava rocks or whatever the fuck they are up on Arthur's seat. And this fucking cunt was coming down behind me and he had like the climbing boots on and shit.

He's like breathing down my neck and I was feeling the same kind of stress. I feel anytime I go out to play around a golf, which I never do because I hate that sport. And one of the things I hate the most about it is the stress of the people behind you. They're always better than you. And you just feel like a fucking asshole. Like you're holding them up.

I always tell people to play through. It was that exact same level of anxiety, except you just got to throw in the fact that you could possibly fracture your skull. Um, so I finally let the guy go around me and it was, it was definitely a relief. Hang on a second here. I got, I got a text to Rose and let him know that I'm going to meet him at that bar. Hang on.

So anyways, I made it down without hurting myself and I was already like, I had Nia's voice in my head thinking like, if I fall down and I fucking break my elbow or some shit, I'm never going to hear the end of this. Cause she told me not to do it. She's like, you've been working too hard. Yeah. You know, you've got a cold. You're, you're being an idiot.

Don't go up there. You're going to fall down and blah, blah, blah. And it's just like, well, you stop fucking jinxing me. You ever hear you attract what you fear? That's what you're doing right now. Fucking leave me alone. And, uh, so of course I don't listen to her. This is the thing about being a married guy.

You can't listen to your wife because when you do, there's a party and it dies inside, you know, and then when it's up happening is, is then you lose your spirit and the light in your eye goes out. And after the fucking person who blew it out, that person actually has the nerve to then look at you and, and, and, and like, not like you anymore because they look at you like you quit. It's fucking nuts. I don't know if that's true, but, uh, I just said it.

So I'm going to go with it. I think that that's what they do is like subconsciously. Um, I don't know why I would say that. Anyways, um, thank you for all the, uh, tweets. By the way, the fellow super car lovers out there that enjoyed, um, those clips that I sent you of those fucking insane cars that the, uh, those Saudi Arabian kids in their twenties fly over into London. You know, I was thinking about that, dude, there's no fucking way you can

fly a Lamborghini from Saudi Arabia to London for 20 grand. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way unless, well, maybe this is what it is. Maybe because the whole fucking thing is filled up and they're charging everybody 20 grand that you get like the discount price. I'm just going by, you know, I don't know. You mean if you rent a decent fucking car, right? If you rent such a stupid analogy, but if you rent a decent fucking car, right?

How much money that cost you to just fucking rent it for like the week? That's a bad analogy. I just, I know there's no fucking way. There's no way they're only going to charge you 20 grand. I wouldn't. Well, the fuel alone, the fucking fuel alone. Do you know when I, when I fly, when I rent a helicopter, it costs me 300 bucks to rent a helicopter.

That's why I don't do it that often. It's not a fucking cheap thing. And I'm just fucking, you know, going to fly it for an hour. These guys are flying it all over. There's no fucking way it's 20 grand. I don't know. Do you realize the arrogant level that I have that I actually think that I know what it costs to fly a Lamborghini from the Middle East to Great Britain?

How would I possibly know that? I have no fucking idea. But watching those kids zipping around in those cars made me go on YouTube. And I was watching a ton of clips of, you know, those cars versus each other, all these tests, you know, test drives and reviews and all of that. I got to tell you something, man. There's a lot of fucking jerks out there that have these fucking cars. There was this one kid, it's just like, I mean, you would think that this guy was

into like some Comic Con shit. And he's just like, you know, you know, what's up, YouTube? You know, they always have that. Is there anything worse when you just want to find the clip and then you get sucked into somebody's fucking stupid TV show on YouTube? You know, okay, guys, so here's the deal. This guy has a Lamborghini. It's like, I know you're fucking cunt.

I don't need you to tell me about it. Somebody told me about it, which is why I'm on here looking for this shit. I'm sorry I'm not yelling the way I usually do that. Just the people next door have a little kid. So I'm trying not to scream too loud here. Um, that's my number one fucking thing. I cannot stand everything else about YouTube. I fucking love, you know, but I hate how they have that.

Like it'll be like, uh, like whatever you want to fucking watch, like whatever the latest thing, what's the latest thing that happened? Uh, I'll say that swimmer there, right? Now the bong head guy, right? With the fucking, uh, you know, the 20 foot body there, right? He was given that guy the death stare. I saw a clip. It's like so-and-so gives so-and-so the fucking death stare.

So what do you think I want to watch? I want to see this guy give the guy the death stare and every fucking thing I hit on YouTube and it was so up YouTube. Okay. So as we all know, the swimmers and they act out swimming and they're trying to be all like fucking interesting and stepping towards the camera and coming back. It's just like you fucking mono-browed cunt. Just show me the fucking clip.

You know, and then what the worst thing is, is once the clips out there, then every cunt out there then has to do some fucking remix of it. And they think it's going to be fucking hilarious. And some of them are, but 90% of them stink. You know, I don't know. Do you guys see, you never see the remix of the, uh, the Tourette syndrome guy who totally didn't have Tourette's. He was just acting, but he was still funny.

Um, somebody sent me that one on Facebook. That one was funny. I'll say that I enjoyed that one. Sorry for my little fucking commodity here, man. I'm fucking, uh, this weather's really, uh, it's really getting to me. So, um, I don't know what to expect tomorrow when I go to Germany, but, uh, I'm going to, uh, Cologne, Germany, not Munich, not Berlin. I'm basically going to the Worcester, Massachusetts of Germany.

As far as I can tell, you know what I mean? It's like you go into California, you know, you're not going to LA, you're not going to San Francisco. I feel like I'm going to the Sacramento of Germany. I have no fucking idea. And, but this is what I do. I'm not going to look it up. I'm not going to look at the pictures.

I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to shit on them. And then tomorrow I'll start my show off, probably getting heckles from people going, actually we're a number one in commerce. Um, this is some of the most expensive real estate in the country. I just can't imagine. You know what's so fucking incredible is after I do Cologne, I'm going to drive over to Antwerp, Belgium.

And as far as I know, I'm going to be passing through where the battle of the bulge was in, uh, in World War II. Um, I don't know. It's, it's like, that's a, it's, I don't know. I guess cause people live over there. I don't know if they, if the, the weight of where they live really hits them just cause they're there. You know what I mean?

It's kind of like here in Scotland, there's all these fucking tours. These shops, we can buy a fucking kilt at a bunch of plaid shit, you know, but if you, if you look at the people who live here, none of them wear in that shit. Yeah, that's the, whatever you're known for. Yeah, they're sick of it. I've been going around here trying to get authentic fucking Scottish cuisine. And I've, there's more goddamn places to get Italian.

You can get falafels, like it's anything but Scottish food. Yeah. They're like, dude, we grew up on this shit. We don't want to eat it. Okay. And I don't want to dress up wearing that shit unless I'm playing a fucking bag pipe or I'm doing a goddamn Mel Gibson movie. The granddad, I don't know if that's fucking true, but I don't know.

What do you want from me? I go to countries for like 20 minutes and then I form opinions with, without reading shit. You know, it's, it's what I do. It's the charm of my podcast. I like to think, um, where are we at? What time is it 947? Oh God, I got to go.

I got to go meet to Rosa. Um, all right, I'm going to head out. Uh, if I get back at a reasonable time, I will do the last nine minutes of this. I don't know why I have to tell you that because I'm just going to hit stop. And then I'll just end up splicing them together. Um, yeah, that's it. All right. So I'll be back with the magic of technology.

I will be back in like two seconds. God knows what state of mind I'll be in. All right, I'm back. Here we go. The magic of technology. Um, what are we doing here? We're doing some advertising there. All right.

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Hey, so I went out last night and I had a couple, two, three, four, five, 14, uh, drinks last night and I was wearing my action slacks there. And I got to tell you, I know this sounds like more advertising. But a big fucking, you know, I tried to knock the head off my beer, which I thought I did and then I looked down and it landed right on my leg. And I went, ah, shit, it's just going to stain. I wiped it off and like literally nothing happened. It was totally fine.

They liked the greatest fucking pants I've ever had in my life, but I look like a complete asshole with them, you know, but you know, isn't that how life is? Isn't there always a price to pay? Um, all right, so this is it. This is my last fucking few hours here in Scotland and, um, we're not have had a better time, but I am fucking ready to get out of this gloom and fucking doom of this goddamn place. Holy shit.

I mean, it just feels like March. It's August and it just feels like March cold. It's fucking rainy. It's overcast. Um, went to a couple of great bars last night. I was finally talking to Rosa. Dorosa, he's such a fucking animal. You know, he's like, Hey, let's go to the festival fucking bar.

It's like, why the fuck would you want to go to the comedy festival thing? We were there last night. They're serving Guinness and Scotch and plastic cups. You know, have a little bit of respect for yourself. Can we at least go to a place that has a, has a glass? You know, so we ended up finding some bar. Um, it was great. You just, we just come walking in and there's these two guys sitting down.

What I was playing the guitar, the other guys playing the accordion, they're singing all these fucking songs. It's tremendous, right? This is what kills me. I apologize for making all you guys, you know, I don't really apologize. This fucking podcast is for free. So I don't give a shit. Um, this is what kills me is I'm sitting at the bar and after about fucking

a half hour, I finally look over at the fucking people, uh, with the guitar and the accordion and I look over, now there's a woman sitting there. She's playing the fiddle and there's some other guy sitting down there and he's playing the accordion. I mean, what are the odds of that? What are the, what are the odds that you're even going to walk into a bar and there's somebody that, that not only has an accordion, knows how to play it. And a half hour later, somebody else comes in and you can just hand it off to

him like it's a fucking guitar. You know, what is it? A fucking squeeze box festival over here. I've never seen that in my life. Do you have any fucking bars I've gone to? I don't either, but it's a lot. I've never seen anybody play an accordion in a bar in my life. Like him to Scotland.

I, right? It's fucking guys playing the shit out of it. And then when I look over to go see the Eddie Van Hanlon, a fucking, you know, squeeze box is still playing. It's, it's somebody else. But then again, maybe he called up his friend, right? And you know how plumbers know other plumbers, right? Hair dressers hang out with hairdressers.

Maybe accordion players hang out with each other. I don't know. It's kind of a weird thing, right? Do you think, uh, serial killer stuff, that's, that's one that's very rare. They don't hang out with each other. You know, it's just a quiet, unspoken respect that they have with each other as they sit there on death row. You know, I wonder if that's their regret.

You know, I should have hung out more with more complete fucking sociopaths. If I could do it all over again, you know, I would have been part of a serial killer team, so I could have shared those memories with people. That's fucking, that was really dark. I apologize. Um, all right. I think I gave you my half hour. Yeah, there we go.

Okay. So, um, thank you for listening. I am now on my way to Germany and, uh, very excited. Never been there before. And I was just talking to a friend of mine who's played some gigs over there and said they're always fucking great crowds, which makes sense. You know, it makes sense that they would be great crowds. You know, they got to make up for, you know, they got to make up for, you

know, starting a couple of world wars. Right. That's poor bastards. Oh, I'm going to give them shit tonight. I'm going to give them shit. I'm just going to be like, you know, you fucking guys, all your contributions that you've made, you know, from audio tape to some of the greatest automobiles people have ever seen.

And it's just, it's just a goddamn shame that no one's ever going to think of that first because you picked one wrong guy. That's all they did in Germany. They just, they picked one wrong guy and it just turned out to be the biggest fucking lunatic in modern history. Somebody had to pick them. You know, this is the thing too, as Trump is doing what he's doing, and people like people try to compare Trump to Hitler, you know what I mean?

I mean, give me a fucking break. He's nowhere near in Hitler's league. Right. Hitler used to crush those speeches. Donald Trump is just rumbling, bumbling, stumbling. You know what I mean? His whole campaign has just been like a fucking Hail Mary. It went up in the air and everybody's going, knock it down, knock it down.

Right. What happened? Erlacher goes up and he tries to catch the fucking thing and someone slaps it out of his hand and then landed it, I don't know, landed in Hillary Clinton's fucking cleavage. And now these are the two clowns we got to look at. Oh, I'll tell you, it's a rough one. All right, go fuck yourselves.

I'll have a wonderful weekend, you cunts, and I'll check in on you. Um, no, I'm checking in on you now. I'll talk to you on Monday. That's what I'm trying to say. All right. Oh, God said to Abraham, kill me a son. Hey, man, you must be putting me on. God said, no, they say what?

God said, you can do what you want. Hey, but the next time you see me coming, you better run. Well, they said, well, you want this killing done. God said, hold on, highway 61. Well, Georgia, Sam, he had a bloody nose. Well, for the problem, they wouldn't give him no clothes. They asked for a hard way, can I go? Hard said, there's only one place I know.

Sam said, tell me quick, man, I got to run. Oh, how I just pointed with his gun and said that way down highway 61. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barth. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 11th. And this week I am going to be at the improv in Miami, Florida. On August 14th, that's Thursday through Sunday, August 17th. And on one of those days, I'm going to a Florida Marlins game.

The Marlins, as they say, back in Boston. And that is the last professional baseball team franchise that I need to see. And then I have seen all of them. And it was something that, you know, as I've been on the road over the years, I always wanted to go to every baseball stadium. And I will have accomplished it this week. And got to admit, it's kind of an empty feeling. You know what I mean?

Because it's not the goal. It's more the journey, you know? You don't think it is really. It's the fact that I went to all of them by myself. I think that that's what it has to do with. Actually, the last third I started going with other people. But I have pictures of me in front of every major sports stadium that you can think of, God damn it, that exists or doesn't exist anymore because they've torn

down so many of them since I've been on the road. I have like a certain level of OCD where I get in. It's not like I open and close the fucking door 58 times as I'm, you know, counting up to 100 by odd numbers, which I guess is in 101 by odd numbers. Yeah, I don't have that kind of shit. I just have like, I get into shit. And when I get into it, I just get psycho into it. And it lasts for about a month and a half.

And then I just don't give a shit about it anymore. And it probably explains why I haven't been able to sustain a relationship for my life. That's a whole other story. But no, it's something that I did when I went on the road because going on the road sucks. But I remember as a kid, when I used to watch before there was ever even Sports Center, let's go back here, go back in the day for all you youngsters out there who enjoy, you know, five or six different 24 hour sports channels. Back in the day, they didn't, they didn't have shit like that.

They, sports used to come on, you'd get the local sports guy in my neck of the woods. It was Bob Lobel and the guy would come on, you know, it's the six o'clock news. He would come on at about 630, 635. And if he were lucky, you'd get six, seven minutes of sports. You know what I mean? And that'd be, you know, whatever the greatest play around the league was, you'd get that and then maybe you'd get whatever your closest rival was doing. But it was very quick and it was very local.

It was definitely just mostly about your team and how your team fit into the overall scheme of stuff. And, but I remember I used to watch this week in baseball. Used to come on once a week with, with Mel Allen. And they, well, how's that sound? I was like, done, done, done, done, done, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. And I'd be sitting there in my pajamas, watching the fucking show. You know, I get chills. Sports were bigger than life back then because I was a little kid and they also didn't come on all the time.

You know what I mean? They didn't back in the day, if Maddie Ramirez went from the fucking Red Sox to the Dodgers, that would be, it'd be in the paper for a day or two, maybe, locally. But around the whole league would be there once. It'd just be, it'd be just a blurb. American League flugger, Maddie Ramirez. Attention, ladies and gentlemen, all the ships and sea. It would just be a quick little thing and that would be it.

It would be up his ass every five seconds, measuring the length of his dreadlocks the way they do now. So, that's the thing. So, I don't know, as a kid, I always wanted to go to, I used to think about that. How cool it would be to go to the different stadiums. So, when I went on the road, it dawned on me one day. I don't know where the fuck I was at. Maybe I was in Seattle and I was like, you know what? The fucking kingdom, the fucking kingdom, Seattle Mariners, Seattle Seahawks.

That bald guy who paints his head like the helmet, that fucking place is right down the street. And I would just, if I had time, I would go to a game and, I don't know, I just started doing it. Then I just started scheduling my road gigs around it. And this is how my OCD kicked in. It was like, you know what? I'd like to go to all the great baseball stadiums, started off with that. I'll go to fucking Fenway, which is where I'm from, Yankee Stadium, Wrigley, Camden Yards, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then it became, I'm going to go, I'm going to go to the stadium, right?

And then my OCD was like, well, what about football? I'm like, I'll go to all the football. Then it became all the hockey. Then it became, I am going to go to every fucking stadium in all four professional sports. Okay? And I'd be on the plane like Rain Man, writing down on those little cocktail napkins that you get from the stewardesses, right? And I would be writing down how many I had and which divisions, like a fucking psycho. And it was something that totally appealed to my brain and made the flight go by quicker.

So, long story short, I believe, I used to know this shit because I kind of stopped giving a fuck. You know what it was? When I went to a Golden State Warriors game by myself when they sucked and I was holding their free gold Warriors sign? That's when I knew right then and there. I think I had that picture on my website too, billburr.com. And I think I wrote underneath it something about that's when I realized that I had a problem or I was sick. But I don't know, it's like 122 teams or something. They might have added a few since I last did the Rain Man thing.

But I have been to, I think like 85, can you fucking believe that? By myself for the most part. Like 72 of those, I went by myself. And this is the last baseball one. And then I can basically check baseball off other than a few new stadiums that they made. I haven't been to the new Philly one. I haven't been to the new Padres one. But other than that, I've been to all of them, which is pretty fucking cool, but also pathetic and sad on some level.

But I literally just forgot my whole fucking train of thought there. That was such a long goddamn story. Oh, I know. So the last one we're going to go down to is this fucking, the Marlins one. And it's going to be a day game in fucking Miami. So it'll be like nine zillion degrees out. And then I'll be done with baseball. Ben, you know what?

Ben, I'm not going to know what the fuck to do with myself. That's the empty feeling. I'm not going to know what to do with myself when I go on the road. And it's the summertime. What the fuck am I going to do? What am I going to do to kill a day? Go to a museum. You know something?

This would actually be fucking interesting. If I actually took pictures of all this shit, I could make a great coffee book. Coffee table book of all the shit I've done by myself. Space needle. I didn't do it by myself. Oh, I did. Yes, I did. I went up that by myself.

And then another time I was doing a college gig with Ben Bailey. Oh, we didn't go up in it. He just wanted me to take a picture of him with that thing in the background, I think. Right? Jesus Christ. This podcast is really depressing the shit out of me. Let's bring up some good memories. Because you're probably thinking right now, if you're a baseball fan, you're probably like,

Bill, what were your favorite fucking stages? What I went to was the old Tiger Stadium. Because we had that upper deck that went around the entire field. And I remember I went to a game. It was an interleague game against the pirates and it was dusk. And it literally, I don't know why it looked like it was 1907 when you were in there. And you literally thought Ty Cobb would come running out on the field screaming a bunch of racist shit. Or whatever the fuck they say about him.

The hard drinking racist hate sharpness spikes. It's incredible that that guy's in the Hall of Fame and Pete Rose isn't. Although I understand it on a level. You know what I mean? Because what Pete Rose did actually, I would say affected the entire integrity of the game. He could have brought everybody down. But you know what the bottom line is? I mean, they just busted a ref who had mob ties in the fucking NBA.

You know what I mean? And we're still watching Hoop. And people are still gambling on it. You know why? Because we have fucking nothing better to do. All right, that was a long ass fucking story. I hope it was remotely interesting. Let's get it onto the podcast questions here.

Question number one. Bill, at least there's some brutal questions this week, by the way. I think all the superficial ones are over and you guys are going from Meryl. So listen to these fucking questions. And if you're new to my page, okay? If you are new to my page, you know, if you haven't gone over to Facebook, you know what I mean? Does anybody else feel like when you're in my space, like you're in like a failing restaurant? You know what I mean?

That's what I feel like. I'm just staring across them all at the newer shinier one. You know, I got my apron around my waist. You know, my wife, my fantasy wife comes up to me just going, it's okay. People will come back. You know, we've been down before. We can get through anything. As long as you love me and I love you.

That damn cough ruined that improv. Anyways, okay. Question number one. Bill, if you were to choose between losing your ability to perform stand up slash being funny, meaning you'll never perform again, never be on a radio show. This dude even took radio out of the picture. And I'd have to go work at a normal job in quotes or lose the ability to get an erection. What would you pick?

Jesus Christ, dude. You ended my life on both of them. But after a long, painful thought, I had to go. But either one that I picked, my life is over. It's going to ruin the enjoyment of the other thing. You know what I mean? Like if I can still get an erection now, I'm just not a comedian anymore. And then you say I had to go work a normal job.

First of all, dude, I've been doing stand up for 16 years. That's kind of a huge gap to have in your resume. All right. I have a communications degree and you're taking my ability to do radio off the fucking table. So basically my option is to go wash dishes in a restaurant and try to fuck every waitress who works there. Or continue living my dream as a comedian. You know what? I'd have to choose losing the ability to get an erection.

Can I take Viagra? Bob Dole can't get an erection. I know he was real happy when that shit came out. I guess is that cheating? No. Because you know what? I have a chance to make my mark as a comedian because it's something I'm really good at. And I can actually somehow work my way up the ladder and at least feel like I achieved something.

And I mean, what am I going to get into the pussy fucking all time pussy getting guys? You know, what would I do at this point? You know, I mean, Jesus Christ, you're an asshole. Whoever wrote that, you're an asshole. It's a great fucking question. Jesus Christ, would I be funny if I couldn't fuck anymore? Holy shit. The pent-up energy.

I'd be like 80 years old still jumping around like fucking Brian Regan. They'd be like, I don't know, he doesn't. He never lost a fire. I'll tell you, I fucking did it. I couldn't. I haven't been able to fuck since I was 40. How about that? All right.

Question number two. Okay, so you didn't get to this one last time. So let's see if you do this time around. Most humiliating medical experience. What do you think? Jock itch or a colonoscopy? However the fuck you say it. Colonoscopy without a doubt.

You know what I mean? Jock itch. I believe that's over the counter. You just have to subtly walk down that aisle at the pharmacy and act like you're looking for Diet Coke. You know, Jock itch isn't that right next to athlete's foot? You just walk down the itchy aisle. What would happen if you put the athlete's foot stuff in your jaw?

What is Jock itch? Jock itch basically was, I mean, you sweat your balls off, you don't change your underwear. First of all, wear boxers, okay? Creates a little more ventilation. You don't keep everything all that. It's just disgusting. That's fucking gross.

Jesus Christ, one painful question, one disgusting one. All right, colonoscopy, yeah, I don't want to do that. I don't want to, no, I don't want to do that. First of all, because I'm going to be able to figure out a way to look in your ass without going in your ass. I'm holding out for that. I've seen some stories on the news about it. Nobody's entering my ass.

I'm okay. I don't give a shit if you got the fucking lab coat on. I'm not doing it. Fuck you. You're not looking in there. Yeah, you're going to find something. The same way, I'm fucking 40 years old. You're going to find something.

That'd be like if you had an old car. Somebody starts fucking, you know, looking down in the pistons. You're going to find something down there. You know what we need to do? Yeah, nothing. That's what we need to do, you asshole. Stop trying to make a mortgage payment with my anus. All right.

Jesus. All right. Sorry. I'm still a little fucking sick here. All right. Number three, Bill, have you ever had a problem with the girlfriend getting mad at you that you whack off the porn? You know, whack off is one of the worst ways of putting it.

You know, that really just makes me seem pathetic. Like I'm just slamming it against the inside of my leg. And this guy says, I know girls who say that they consider it cheating. And I think that's bullshit because it's not real. And you're just rubbing one out with a visual aid. I just don't think fantasy shit should be outlawed just because you're in a relationship. What do you think? Well, I admit that it isn't cheating because cheating, you know, if you're cheating,

you got to be somehow with another live human being. Okay. And no matter how enjoyable, what you almost said, whacking off like you fucking rubbing one out to porn can be, there's still something pathetic about it. You know, and that's that feeling of guilt afterwards where you think it's your parent, you know, something your parents said or maybe your church, but it isn't. It's the patheticness. It's your male DNA going, you know, you couldn't find somebody alive to do this with.

You know what I mean? You're useless. You're not a hunter. You're a gatherer. Now, why don't you go out in the kitchen and go eat some berries you fucking pussy? No, I don't think it's cheating, but I don't think you should do it with your girlfriend knowing about it unless she's into it. You know, how creepy would that be?

You know, those creepy fucking dudes. You ever see those dudes who like want to see somebody bang their wife and they just sit there peeking and while you're doing it, you know, you ever seen one of those videos? Fucking creepy things with your girlfriend was like that. I want to peek in. I'm literally losing every female on the podcast right now. They're all going, eww. Top it up.

All right. Yeah, I don't think it's cheating, but I also, you know, I'm really anti porn. I just don't think it's good. I just talk about that on stage. This is how I view. I view like, I think your soul is like pixelated and every time you look at some shit that you shouldn't be looking at, a couple of cubes just float away and you never get them back. You know what I mean?

It's kind of like that back to the future, you know, where you start to fade away except it's your soul, you know? Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I talking about? All right, here's somebody. Starts off. It says, my best question yet. Look at this guy patting himself on the back. How do you feel about potentially hurting, slashing, embarrassing your family?

I think they mean with some of your material. Yeah, I'm definitely conscious of that. That's why, you know, I usually just tell over-the-top stories and I try not to make anybody look too, too bad. I tone everything down, but I'm definitely conscious of that. So yeah, how do I feel about that? I feel like I don't want to embarrass them. Question number five, what is your favorite Olympic event to watch?

And by the way, phone sex is the cure for AIDS is my new MySpace quote. Oh, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed that one. Let's see, what is your favorite Olympic event to watch? Jesus Christ. What is it? I like the 100 meter dash, the one that Ben Johnson and Carl Lewis did. I like that one, fastest fuckers on the earth.

I don't mind the swimming. I actually like the volleyball, especially female volleyball, you know. I don't know, volleyball makes girls, their thighs are all thick. They all got booties. Anyway, those fucking sergeant slaughter onesies. The boxing, I like a lot of this shit. The downhill skiing, I actually like a lot of the events. The hockey's great.

Jesus Christ and I have the basketball. I haven't watched any of it. I don't know why I haven't watched any of it. I just realized I really liked the Olympics. I'm hoping at some point they come back to LA and they're in the Coliseum, right down the fucking street. Wouldn't that be great? Oh, wait, that's the USC Trojan song. How the fuck does the Olympic song?

Wait, I'm hearing it. Fuck. I can only hear the first note. I'd suck on that name, that tune show. How does it go? Now I got the Trojan song in my head. Don't you fucking hate when you do that? Wait a minute.

That's the graduation song. How the fuck does the Olympic song go? You know what, if anybody can email me, writing like almost like fucking email Morse code, you know, anything that's stressy, just capitalize. That's it, right there. Just had to think of fucking Jim McKay. Able to see, wow, look at the floor.

All right. And with that, we are now into, last week I was sick. And what do you guys want to hear first? You want to hear, we'll close with underrated overrated, which is a topic that's really been taken off. So if you haven't been listening, people have been sending in their list of shit that they think is overrated and underrated

and very passionate subject. Because you know, as you're watching TV and there'll be somebody who you think is great and they're not on TV, or you think a band is cool and no one's listening to them, and then there's something that everybody's into and you just think it absolutely sucks and it drives you nuts after a while.

You start walking around talking to yourself and that's how, I think that's why the overrated and underrated list is taken off. But before we get into that, for those of you like myself who don't like getting colds, here are some people's cold remedies. All right. Sky number one, I see you got a cold.

Aren't you perceptive? He said, here's a recipe to handle that cold. And this is what I love about this fucking email. This is a recipe and he gives me no measurements whatsoever. All right, here's the recipe. It's beef or can be chicken. Caldo, a.k.a. soup. So it's beef caldo or chicken caldo or I guess soup, okay?

I don't know what the fuck caldo means, but he says also known as soup, like it committed a crime, it needs an alias. Okay, you make this, you'll be straight in two days max. This is what always happens when you have a cold. People come up to you, you got a cold bird, all you got to do is this, man, I'm telling you, I do it all the time, I never get a fucking cold.

In three weeks later, you see the guy's got a fucking cold and you're like, dude, what happened? Oh, dude, you know, I didn't make this stuff. Well, why didn't you make this stuff? If it automatically makes you not get a cold, you fucking asshole, first of all, nobody knows how to cure the common cold. If you did, you'd release it onto the market

and you'd make a zillion dollars, like that chick who did the airborne thing. But this guy evidently is giving this thing away for free. It'd be very cynical here and I apologize. All right, here you go. And you'll be straight in two three days max. All right. Oh, he also said trash the tea you got too.

You need to get that cinnamon apple tea, the celestial shit with the lady in the front. Yeah, that's exactly how it went to the store. You got that cinnamon apple tea, you know, the celestial shit with the lady in the front. Sarah, could you please don't use that language in the store? Okay, and it's a woman, not a lady. Okay, we've progressed. We can vote.

Oh, fuck you, you cunt. Security. All right. Anyways, you heat that stuff up with sugar. Okay, here are the ingredients for the soup. Ingredients, chicken or beef, carrots, cabbage, corn, potatoes, and jalapeno pepper. That's capitalized. Not that canned shit, but the raw stuff,

the stuff they pull out of the ground, get that. Peppers, green, in the soup. I don't know what it is, but it helps. For real. Oh, but it helps. For real, son. Anytime I'm sick, if I ever even feel something coming, bam, capital letters, make some caldo, and it's over and done.

All right, so maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe you just take some beef or chicken stock. Is that what you're saying? And I throw some carrots in there. I feel like Bugs Bunny. I'm fucking curly on three stooges. I just throw this shit in there going... When I just fucking throw it in there. All right.

I compliment the soup with some corn tortillas, too. Hey, if there's any Latino people listening to this, can you please explain to me all that shit? I get all that shit confused. It's like I am anxiety when I go into a Mexican restaurant, because all I know are tacos and burritos. And when you get into tortillas and a chalupa and gorditos,

I don't know what the fuck it is, and I don't even know if it even is authentic at this point, because basically my education on Mexican food is Taco Bell commercials, and I know that's white people doing it. And they're just making up shit. You know what I mean? They put extra layers of cheese in it.

What is a tortilla? Is that one of those round things that you fold up and it becomes a burrito? I don't know. But anyways, this guy says have it with some limonada. Is this guy Latin? Is that like fucking Mexican filiminate, or is there actually something called a limonada?

L-I-M-O-N-A-D-A. And put some garlic salt in there, too. Also, heat the meat up first, then dump the water. Dude, you know what? This fucking recipe doesn't even make sense. On the Food Network. You got it all. You know, there's no amounts. Get even right in. A dash of garlic salt.

And put some fucking garlic salt in there, too. Okay, I'll do that. All right. Number two. Here's somebody else's. I'm actually getting stuffed up as I'm talking about this. Laying here in the bed. Okay, number two. Okay, you've been sick on your podcast at least three times before. I think you get sick about every six months. Ha-ha. There are signs the body gives that you should start to recognize

before you get fully sick. The first sign you get, take something for God's sake. Ha-ha-ha. This person's calling me a fucking idiot. I keep a bottle of Tylenol extra-strike as soon as I feel a little different. I take to what I'm cool in the morning. Try it. I'm sure you'll get sick before Christmas. Let me know if it works. All right. Why am I getting all fucking stuffed up now?

All right, number three. Take mucinex for the con- for the congestion. The stuff is money for colds. You know what? This is just all over-the-counter shit. You know what I mean? I wanted, like, somebody's secret grandparent fucking recipe, like that guy above me. Maybe that's why he didn't give me any sort of, uh... He didn't give me any sort of fucking measurements.

He's protecting the recipe. All right. Here's one for garlic. Last week I was telling you how people say that garlic works. Here's a guy who claims he never gets sick. He says, first of all, uh... I used to get back in the day I was a fucking health wreck. I used to get colds at least once, twice a month, but today I haven't had a cold in about two years now.

The secret is garlic. Whenever I feel like I'm catching a cold, I eat two to four garlic cloves. I don't mash them up or slice them or anything else pussy-like. This guy's very judgmental. All right. Now, I just cut them up in two or three pieces and pop them like pills, along with a shitload of water. Then, of course, I brush my teeth.

Um... Hey, who? I know that it might sound somewhat off. Putting in... somewhat off-putting, and maybe it's had a bit disgusting, but, dude, it's fucking worth it. You know what? I'm gonna try that. I always go with the natural shit. Or whatever. I always go with however we originally did it,

because I just have a feeling that everything else is just fucking an evil way of making money. You know what I mean? Don't listen to me. I don't have to fucking talk about that. That would rule out penicillin, which has saved people's lives and added to the population problem. You know what I mean? That's why everybody in China rides a bike. It's not because they can't afford a car. They just...

You wouldn't get anywhere. And that's not even true. They don't all ride bikes. I just made that up, because I was trying to get on to the overrated, underrated, the new hot topic here on, uh... on my podcast. Jesus Christ, I'm running out of energy here. I still have lingering effects from that fucking super cold I caught last week. All right, overrated, underrated, then I'm gonna get the fuck out of here. Okay? And once again, people, just let you know,

I do have my one-hour special coming up. As you can see, the banner at the top of the page, huh? Look at me, looking to the side, like, wow, I really do have a special. August 31st. Okay, overrated, underrated. Um... Let's see.

Okay, overrated. Overrated. Hang on. Let me get to it. Let me get to it. Here's something that is overrated and not living up to the hype. Tattoos. Everyone in their fucking grandmother has a goddamn tattoo and has completely ruined the outlaw rebel status it once had. You know what? I gotta agree with that.

Tattoo used to mean you were a badass. You know what I mean? As a guy. You know what I mean? That you could walk into a bar and if someone fucked with you, you'd knock their ass out. And as a woman, it used to mean you better wear two condoms because I have fucked a lot of guys. That's what it used to mean. Now it just means you're a follower.

You know what I like? I like the people who would have been the people who just got tattoos, but now they have to take it to the next level, and they're doing that thing where they're trying to turn their fucking ear lobes into gymnastic rings. I really don't understand that at all. That is the most fucking disgusting thing. People getting tattoos on their faces now, like that rapper there out of Atlanta,

young Weezy, whoever he is. Let me turn me on to that guy recently. I actually think he's fucking funny as hell. But the tattoos, I was actually joking with somebody. You know what that guy's tattoos look like? He looks like he walked into a tattoo parlor and looked at the wall and goes, yeah, let me get all that. Just give me a tattoo of your wall.

You know what I mean? There's just no rhyme or reason to it. Every once in a while, you'll see, like a really cool tattoo. Like, I saw this girl in Denver. She had, and I didn't want to say this because then I think someone else is going to do it. And then these tattoos will become like the hacky, barbed wire tattoo.

This girl just had a tattoo of a bunch of different, like, pin-up girls from the 1940s. And that's all they were. She'd have like one on a forearm, one on the inside, one on the top, one on the bicep. So it was kind of like Bond Scott's tattoos. The original singer of ACDC, where he just had like a fucking eagle or a dragon

on his forearm and you looked at it, you could see what it was and it looked cool. You know those sleeves that people get, like Tommy Lee, where it just looks like a scribble pad? Those things are the fucking worst. You can't see anything. I don't know. All right, so I guess I'm agreeing with you. I think if you get like one really cool personal tattoo

and also you keep yourself in shape, the tattoo can still look cool. But you definitely have to take some sort of jiu-jitsu at that point to make you worthy of having the fucking tattoo or at the very least commit a felony. You know? Anyways, some of the other overrated stuff. The Hummer, H3, celebrities, and shopping.

All right, something I don't get. The douchey trend of those t-shirts that say famous. What kind of tool wears something like that? I don't know if I've seen those. That's one of those things I don't think I've seen it, but I know what you're talking about. That's kind of like the loser t-shirt. Here's another one.

People that like the Rascal Flats or Kenny Chesney. I don't know who the Rascal Flats are. Kenny Chesney. You see the guy who married that chick from Jerry Maguire? What the fuck is her name? All I can think of is Ann Hayes. That popped in my head, but I know it's not her. The diary of...

What is that fucking girl? You know the girl I'm talking about. Remember that country star? You always want to know about the guy, because I can't stand country music. I don't mind some of the oldest shit from the 50s, early 60s, but country music today, it sucks. All right?

It's just beyond corny. Oh, my God. Somebody was playing Garth Brooks the other day. That guy fucking blows. You know, they always start every line way down low, and then they move their way up. I'll have a... Oh, God, kill yourself.

Fucking kill yourself. Country music sucks. You know, that's the only genre of music that I can just say that. Unequivocally, straight across the board, it just sucks. It always sounds like a bunch of fucking corn balls who think they're cool, and that line dancing, where you do that stupid shit where you lift your leg up and you whack the arch of your fucking cowboy boot,

and then you whack the other side of it. Ugh. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. And I also don't like how they all have to act like they're so fucking pure. You know what I mean? Like they're not getting groopy pussy. You know, and then they write all those patriotic songs, cashing in, you know,

America's gonna go blow you up and all that shit. That was one of the greatest parodies ever. Do you guys ever see those guys from South Park? That was my favorite part of that movie, where they did the movie with the marionette puppets there, and they did that song, What Would You Do? You had to give your life a freedom.

What Would You Do? That was such a subtle, wonderful slam on people who made those songs. Anyways. Alright, another overrated thing. Guitar Hero, thank you. Bunch of fucking nerds. That's another great South Park episode. South Park is fucking genius, by the way.

If you're not watching it, they're still making genius episodes, and no one ever talks about it anymore. MTV's overrated. Yeah, MTV, they've sucked for 20 years now. Reality shows. I don't think that those things are overrated. I gotta argue on that one. People know they're shitty shows.

You know, it's kind of like the Jonas Brothers. People just know that that sucks, but there's morons, and they're into it. Metallica is overrated. In the 80s, early 90s, they kicked ass, but nowadays, no. Wow. Tackin' a legend there.

Hannah Montana. How can she be overrated? She's not overrated. She's like a... What, are you gonna walk up to an 11-year-old and make her cry about her lunchbox? This person's really mean. Alright, everybody you see in every week's issue

of every single entertainment magazine. Examples, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus. Yeah, those magazines. So soon the magazines suck. Brad Pitt was also in Snatch. He was also in Fight Club. He's made some good movies.

He played the fucking... the pothead in True Romance. I don't think he's overrated. I just think he's better looking than me. He gets, you know, A-list pussy. Alright, underrated. I think I literally caught a cold again during this fucking podcast.

Let me just... this is the end right here. Underrated. Something else that is... Oh, wait, someone got this in the... Oh, this is not overrated. The iPod. Oh, I like this one. This guy said, the iPod is overrated. I don't like it. I'm sure it's a wonderful toy, but honestly, everyone I know who has one

has something bad to say about it. Whether it shits the bed or only plays part of a song, I don't know. I'm just a guy who goes against the pop culture bullshit. No, I would say the iPod is... The iPod, like... You can't get it fixed either. You know what I mean?

Like, your stereo, back in the day when you had a record player, it didn't, like, become obsolete six months later. You know what I mean? And your friend would get a new record player and it could play way more records. It's bullshit. Yeah, I don't... I actually lost my iPod about two years ago.

I haven't had an iPod in two years and I don't give a fuck because, you know, they're fucking expensive and you lose them and they break easily. Exactly. The back of them is made out of the same material like if you'd make, like, a cheap toaster or something. You know what I mean? It's made out of aluminum.

And evidently, the disc that spins the shit in there, whatever the fuck it is, is right behind it. And if you dent that, it rubs up against it and that's what fucks it up. And I love that, too, when you go in the iPod store and they're just like, have you ever dropped your iPod? No, never.

There's no gravity in my apartment, you fucking asshole. Yes, I did. Let me guess. That's not covered. You don't cover gravity. You cunt. All right. Underrated. Things are underrated. Good books, music, movies, and art.

I would definitely say good books are. I don't think music's underrated. I think people cross the board like music, movies, art. People, you know, good music, you mean? Movies, art, going to a museum. I love this one. Underrated. Kenny Rogers Roasters.

That place was good. Awesome chicken. You know what? I ate there. It wasn't bad. It was comparable to Popeyes. Is there a clean Popeyes in the world, by the way? Every time you walk in there, they're biscuits or the shit, but those are the dirtiest fucking restaurants ever. All right. Becker was underrated.

Hilarious sitcom that ran from 1998 to 2004 on CBS starring Ted Danson. That show sucked. I didn't like it. I didn't buy Ted Danson being angry. You know why he couldn't play angry? Because he was already on a show that made syndication. You know? And then he was on another one that made syndication.

So he had so much fucking money. How could you be angry? It's like Ice Cube. I just don't buy the anger anymore. He's got another album coming out and shit. It's just like, how are you still mad, dude? Okay? You've been making platinum albums for 20 fucking years. You seamlessly stepped into movies starring in them, okay?

And now you're making your own. I mean, he's got to be worth half a billion dollars at this point. He still has that scowl on his face. His eyebrows really annoy me. They're always touching whenever he delivers his shit. You know what I mean? You're not that angry, Ice. All right. Did I just say Ice like I knew him? I'm going to say his whole name. You're not that angry, Ice Cube.

I'm not buying it, all right? You're fucking 48 years old, all right? Okay. Rush, this person said, is underrated. One of the greatest rock bands to be honest. They have been a band for 34 years and still not inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's bullshit. No, it isn't. It's not bullshit. Rush sucks.

That band sucks, okay? Musically, technically, what they're doing is incredible, but their songs stink. And Getty Lee's voice is annoying. And I just find they're playing to be robotic. There's no feeling in it. Today's town fire. Bing, bing, bing.

Ba, ba, ba, ba. Ba, ba, ba, ba. Right on the beat. They're not pushing it. They're not laid back. They're literally right on it like a fucking drum machine. Two fucking thumbs down. And Getty Lee just seems like somebody you'd want to grab by his ponytail and just spin him over your head like a fucking helicopter.

All right, last one. Dirty Work. The movie Dirty Work. It's a hilarious movie starring Norm MacDonald and Artie Lang and was produced by Bob Saget. You know what? The trailers of that movie look funny. I might rent that. And speaking of that, if you want to watch one of the fucking most jaw-droppingly awful movies of all time,

and I'm going to end on this, I actually finally watched the movie Neighbors starring John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd. It is without a doubt one of the biggest pieces of shit that I have ever seen in my life. And I remember the big thing about that movie was John Belushi was playing the nerd, and Ackroyd was playing the crazy guy,

and I don't know, I think they were so nervous that people at the time would not accept John Belushi as the nerdy guy, that every time they showed his character to reinforce that he was a nerdy character, as if I couldn't tell on my own, they would play like this, you know, trombone, like this loser. Every time they showed his character,

it's like, dude, I got it. He's the fucking loser. But I'll tell you, the movie makes absolutely no sense, and it just ends on just some dumb joke, and it doesn't, like, remember in Apocalypse Now when Marlon Brando's character talks about seeing the inoculated stack of arms and saying he wanted to pull his teeth out? That's what that movie made of me want to do,

like literally my teeth hurt. It was such a bad fucking movie. All right, this fucking podcast is way too goddamn long, and you know why it's so long now? It's because everybody's throwing on, giving me all this great stuff, all this feedback, you know? So I appreciate all that type of stuff. Maybe I'll just try to start picking the top ones.

I just feel like I got to read all of them, because people take the time to send them in, but I think I just did, like, a 40-minute podcast. I don't want to get somebody fired out there if you're actually listening to this in your cubicle. So anyways, that's it. Once again, I'm going to be at the Improv, Miami, Florida, and I will be whatever the day game is at the Marlins,

I'm going to be at that game. Okay? And there will only be 500 people there, so I'll be easy to find. So if you're there, please say hello, and come on down to the Improv on the 14th through the 17th. I'll be down there. Please look for my special August 31st on Comedy Central, and that is it, and I really appreciate all the feedback

that everybody's been giving me. If you have the podcast questions, please keep them coming, even if they're painful, they're fucking great, and underrated, overrated, all that shit. Alright, that is it. I hope all of you guys have a good week. I'll talk to you next Monday. Alright, bye. I said, yes, I think it can be easily done.

Just take everything down to Highway 61. Now the fifth daughter on our 12th night told her first father that things weren't right. My complexion, she says, is much too white. He said, come here and step into the light. He says, you're right. Tell her, second mother, this has been done. But the second mother was with her seven son,

and they were both out on Highway 61. Now the broken gambler, he was very bored, trying to create our next world war. He found a promoter who nearly fell off the floor. He said, I've never engaged in this kind of thing before, but yes, I think it can be very easily done. We'll just put some bleachers out in the sun and have it on Highway 61.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! We'll just put some bleachers out in the sun.