Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-21

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

Bill rambles about the Wilbur show, Spider-man, and swimming in the ocean.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. How is your week going? Hey, hey, hey, hey, how's it going? Hey, how about those fucking Red Sox? I want 28 last night. Seems impressive. And then you look and they gave up seven runs in the ninth inning. We're up 20 to one. They had one and three quarter grand slams, I guess, in the ninth inning. I don't know what happened, but I'll tell you why the Red Sox won. I'll tell you why because they dug deep because they didn't get down in themselves. And most importantly, because I didn't watch the game. I literally feel

like it jinx. I've been watching them since the last Devil Ray series, right? Where we got swept. And I've missed. They've won three games. They won one game against Detroit. They won one game against Toronto and they won last night. I've watched every other fucking game. So I think it's me getting superstitious, man. You get superstitious when your team loses. When your team's winning, you don't give a fuck. You're walking all around the room. You know what I mean? You're sticking your head in. You don't give a shit. You go out in the yard, get yourself a roast beef sandwich, whatever the fuck you're doing. But when they're losing, you're just sitting there, watching the game, afraid to shift your weight if they're up by

fucking two runs. That's how I've been. So what a crazy game. Three in the first inning, two in the second inning, five in the fourth, four in the fifth. The fucking game's over. That's 14 to nothing. 14 to one. And then they score six runs in the eighth to be up 20 to one. And then they give up seven runs in the top of the ninth. Jesus Christ, but whatever, I fucking wins a win. And it's against the goddamn devil race down there in goddamn Tampa Bay, where the devil runs a muck. And but they won't call their team the devil race. They call them the rays. We know we don't want the devil in there. That's why that franchise is never won a world series. You know what I mean? Because their ownership is just so trying to get people to come to the game that if a small

fraction of people are like, we don't like devil in the name. Okay, we shouldn't be glorified. It's the name of a fucking fish. You dumb fucks. Don't call here anymore. I don't give a fuck. If you don't go, you're not going to the game. You've never gone to a game and we're doing fine. We don't need you. Oh, you're telling me you went to a game? Well, what the fuck? You went to a game and it was called devil race. You survived, right? Then what's the fucking problem? You're fucking record the conversation. Fuck you. Goodbye. That's what they should have said. Yeah, they get in trouble. Yeah, they get some sort of stupid as fine for telling somebody to go fuck themselves on their phone, right? Which I don't know why you should. Well, it's just all about money because they got

to put a show on what the ownership of the devil race said to that stupid lady who never goes to games. Anyways, that was that we're about. It's not what we represent. And it's nothing that we want to be a part of. We had a long top with Johnny, owner of the devil race, excuse me, the race. I misspoke. Can we edit that out? We can't. This is live. Okay, then I'm going to apologize live. I'm sorry. Did anybody watch this? This is the fucking world we live in. These fucking assholes are so afraid to have one nickel roll out the door. They got to literally change the name of their team that's named after a fucking stingray. Stingray, those both sound violent. Can we just call them like the razors, you know, like you shave your face with? Well,

some people slit their wrists with razors. That's a great point. Can we call them the Tampa Bay Puffers? Anyway, very excited and that they won. And I guess what I will, I won't watch them and then I'll just watch the replay. But I've been having the best week. I'm back here in Boston and I'm staying out on the water, man. It's just been fucking great. And, you know, this is where I'm from. I need to come back here more often. I can tell you that fucking spend like a month out here. Maybe not a month. I'm afraid if I spent a month out here, I'd move back. Be like, you know what, you know, fuck it. I'll just do some local shows here. I'll fucking call up Dick Doherty, get it going again. But last night, we did the memorial slash stand up comedy comics reunion

for the late great Wayne Previty. And I cannot tell you how fucking nervous I was for this night. I invited a bunch of comics that we all started out at the same time Wayne did back in like 1992. And a lot of us had not seen each other in a long, long time. And certainly we had not all been together in the same room. So I didn't know if it was going to be awkward, if it was going to be weird, if it was going to be sad, like, wow, we're all old, you know, I didn't know what it's going to be like. And it was it was fucking magical, man. It was everything that I wanted to happen. Like the comics didn't even get to their dressing rooms. It was just everyone was standing out on the hall, telling stories, laughing, hugging, giving each other

shit. Another 1000 stories talking about Wayne, it was just it was absolutely fucking perfect. And the lineup on the show was basically, you know, it was essentially an open mic show that was booked 30 years ago that we, you know, had John David host and John David was always, you know, he ran the the 99 and Bill Ricker. And just a crazy, crazy dude. Like, I thought he was the coolest guy when I met him. Because he told me he goes, I've never had a real job. I go, what do you mean? I go, he goes, these have been my job. He was a professional roller skater. If you can believe that the late 70s and roller skating was huge. He had like a sponsor and all of that till he

did some sort of triple Lindy thing and he blew out his elbow. Then he was a drummer in a band. And then he was a standup comedian. I mean, that's about his fucking. That's a dynasty of not having to go to work or feeling like you're at work. Then we had Jack Lynch. Now, Jack Lynch hosted the first time old freckles here ever bombed on stage. It was his place. Kelly's pub in North Reading, Massachusetts. And it was in either the end of March or the beginning of April in 1992. It was my third show. I started March 2nd at Nick's Comedy Stop, and then I did one at Stitches a few weeks later. And then I did my first satellite room, a bar, and I went in there and oh my God, it was the first time I told a joke and

it got nothing. And I felt that fucking concussive emotional force to my chest and oh dude, I imploded. I was supposed to do five minutes. I bailed after like two. I didn't even know what I did. I literally said on the microphone, I said, Hey, Jack, I'm bailing. And I was so embarrassed. I wanted to leave, but I just sat down in the first seat available, which is right up near the stage because I couldn't face the comedians. Because when I said I was bailing, I heard the comedians be like, Oh, come on, man, like, you know, which was a great thing. They were trying to encourage me. But all I heard was disappointment. And I just sat there like a scolded child to the end of the show. And I remember, you know, and that was the first night I ever met Wayne Previty.

He came in and closed. He had his track suit on. He had one of his friends said, This is my manager. You got to talk to him. You know, he's sort of like a dice clay like vibe. Then we had Todd Parker, who was on the show. Todd Parker was the first time I ever did stand was at Nix, like I said, and it was a comedy competition. And they had some of the local comics judge, the comics to see who was the best. And he was one of the judges. And so I've known that guy basically since day one of doing standup. Joey Carroll, part of my graduation class, used to be obsessed with death. His whole act was talking about death. Dane Cook, you guys might have heard, he was the special guest. He came up and ripped it. Everybody

killed by the way, which was awesome. And Dan Smith, like I think my first opened my my second show, I met him along with Tony Moschetto at Stitch's comedy club. And then I went on and mopped up in the end and everybody had a great set. Everybody fucking killed. And Todd Parker put together this great video of Wayne with all of these pictures. My wife went out and watched it. I had already seen it. I didn't want to get all emotional before I went out to unveil the fucking sad clown. So there was a clip of me in it, you know, at an angels game, this infamous angels game that we all went to. And I had no beard and a full head of hair. And people were watching it, having no idea who I was. And my wife said it took them a second,

then they were like, oh, shit, that's filled with hair. So Dave McLaughlin, Nick Costas, a bunch of comics came out that didn't, you know, we just didn't even have time to put them up, Jimmy Q. It was just, it was just literally like the perp, then it was a guy, Spike Tobin, who came out, he was in the crowd. And we were actually talking, I was like, man, I forgot to invite Spike, you know, it was so many guys, you know, that I reached out to and that were, you know, either not available or, you know, I don't know what, just too far away. Bob Sheehy, gotta make sure I remember everybody's name. Bob Carney. And then Mike Pryor couldn't make it, you motherfucker, next on the next one. But we had

just had the best time, magical fucking night. So I want to thank everybody involved. Mike Clark came out from giggles. I mean, and then afterwards downstairs at the Wilbur, there's a club downstairs and I ordered a bunch of Chinese food from the Golden Temple and Brighton, recommendation from a friend of mine. And everybody said the fucking Chinese food was great. And we just sat there just like, just chowing this shit, especially the guys who don't live in Massachusetts anymore. We had the spare ribs, crab grab, it was fucking awesome. So I gotta go on a nice old man walk along the beach, which is what I've been doing. And I'm really getting taken by the ocean now, man. I think I'm actually going to go swimming in it. I've just seen too

many old guys. I mean, I'm talking old, like 20 years older than me. Hey, you know, you're old when you're 20 years older than me. And they got a little fucking paddle thing kayak that I said I wasn't going to use. And I'm like, you know, a fucking nice upper body workout. I'll slather around. You see the sunblock I use. I literally look like I have pancake batter on me. Like I'm going to do a kabuki fucking show or something. So anyway, it was just a fucking awesome night. And I really want to thank everybody once again, that was involved in that. And it's been a long time coming. Wayne passed away, unfortunately, a little over a year ago, because of this fucking COVID bullshit. Trying to do the show was difficult. So I was very happy to do that. So

that's it. Other than that, I've been taking old man walks along the beach. Like a, I don't know, I looked up like how long it takes to walk 10,000 steps because what am I going to sit there and count them? They said it was about five miles. And you can do it in about an hour. If you're fucking, I was like, dude, I can't walk five miles in an hour. I'm not doing that shit. So how about I walk for like an hour and 15 minutes? All right, I know if I walk sort of briskly, you know, I can walk a mile in 15 minutes. You know what I mean? What's that? 4.0 on the treadmill. So I've just been doing that, you know, keeping the weight off. I haven't really put anything on while I've been out here and just been having a blast with the

kids and everything they love in the beach going down there. Yesterday, one of my daughter's cousins taught her how to skim a rock and she came and she's like, Hey, dad, I want to go to the beach tomorrow and throw rocks. I'm like, Oh my God, this is like frigging perfect. We went to a, I went to someone who was clam fucking shacks out here. Got the clam bellies with the french fries. It's all that classic. I've yet to get a bar pizza. I got to get a roast beef sandwich. I got Chinese food. I got to make sure I get all the classic New England cuisine out here. But I can't tell you, man, how much I fucking miss being out here. I really, really love this part of the country. And you know, if my kids weren't so damn young and in school and shit, you know,

you know, I wasn't in this stupid ass business, I would move back here in a second, but I'm thinking of getting like, what are these little fucking get a cottage dude, just get some little fucking place, you know, like some two, three room thing near the water, just coming out here for like a month every year. Because I gotta be honest with you, man, I've been back here and I've been, last night I was sitting out, you know, after the show and the after party and all excited that it went so well. Just sitting in like a sunshare on this porch listening to the waves. I was just like, I don't think I've been this fucking relaxed in like two years. So I am totally sold on it. I haven't lived here in a long, long, I was thinking, you know, the last time I lived

here, the Red Sox played in Fenway, there was nothing on the green monster. They didn't have all that added fucking bullshit out in right field. You know, you could like walk around the ballpark during the game. They didn't have it all closed off like the fucking president was in town. The Bruins were still playing at the Boston Garden and the Patriots in Celtics were at the Boston Garden. The Red Sox were still at Sullivan Stadium. So anyway, the big thing going on right now is I've been having this this big debate with my daughter, where I keep trying to tell her that there's more than one Spider-Man song. And she's trying to tell me that's not the, you know, because I'm like, Spider-Man, Spider-Man, whatever, Spider-Man spins a web any size.

And when I was a kid, I thought it said catch his fleas just like flies. I wasn't the brightest kid. Catch his thieves just like flies. Look out. Here comes the Spider-Man. And that's the only one that I knew. And I knew the end. You find the Spider-Man. I never knew the rest of it. I like the shit that they talk in the second verse. Is he strong? Listen, bud. He's got radio active blood. It's like fucking relax, man. It was a fair question. You know, can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey, there. There goes the Spider-Man. Then they got a nice little bridge in the chill of the night at the scene of the crime. Like a streak of light. He arrives just in time. Spider-Man, Spider-Man, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. I like this part here. Well,

he's just this fucking badass. Listen to this wealth and fame. He's ignored. I didn't know all that. Yeah. He didn't whore himself out like Bruce Wayne fucking trust fund kid. Wealth and fame. He's ignored. Action is his reward to him. Life's a great big bang up wherever there's a hang up. You'll find the Spider-Man. He's got radioactive blood. He doesn't give a shit about the fucking horse. You know, he just likes fucking going around beating up bad people. I mean, what's not to like? It's not to like. I like, you know, who came up with the whole, you know, when he wears the black suit, then all of a sudden he's like an asshole. He's like a bad guy. Who came up with that first? Was it Hollywood Hulk Hogan? Or was it Spider-Man?

Um, because I gotta tell you, man, I, I, what was the, what happened that when he had the, uh, the black suit, he would get like, he'd sort of get like drunk with power. You know, he was sort of like, you know, joking around and shit when he had the red and blue one. And then he put on the black one. It's like someone would talk. He's like, bitch, I'm not talking to you. Just shut the fuck up. And he shoots some, uh, spider webs on him. Fucking disgusting. You know, he had, he had his little moment, you know? Well, thank God he had the black suit pre like, you know, 2017 or he would have got like me too for toxic behavior. Um, all right. So when he was versed, he convinced me to take

a fucking dip in the ocean. He's like, oh, you got to do it. You got to do it. Bill, I'm telling you. And the salt water over, it's over. It's like, all right. I said, but you know what, dude, if I get bit by a fucking shark, I swear to God, I swear to God, you know, but, um, I sat there yesterday in the same sun chair, I just sat on this porch and I watched this old couple go out there during low tide, which by the way, I thought, I thought it, you know, it was high tide and low tide like once during the day. But I've realized that, uh, it goes out, it comes in, it goes out, it comes back in. It's like twice a day, unless I'm crazy. Um, because last night I couldn't see it was dark out. It sounded like the waves are right up, uh, right up on the beach. Um,

but anyway, that's what the fuck I'm going to do. So the Red Sox win a big game. They got a game this afternoon. I'm going to sit here and I'm going to watch this shit and, uh, I don't know. I don't know why I'm having such a good time back here. It's probably because I don't have any gigs or anything. And I got one tomorrow night and I have one last night, but like there's nobody like calling me. I got like nothing to do. I mean, I could, you know, the reality is I could be in Arkansas right now and be having a great like, I can fucking move out here. You go anywhere and you're on vacation. You don't have anything to do. You're like, dude, this fucking place is great. You know, you don't realize that everybody around you has to go to work and you're just sitting there like,

this is amazing. Dude, I love Arkansas. I get up at 10 o'clock in the morning. Nobody's bugging me. Dude, I got to tell you something underrated Alaska. Um, all right, let's do some reads here for this week. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Look who it is. It's all legal zoom. Everybody, you know, according to Forbes, gyms, nail salons, hotels, mom and pop stores and more are set to go on an epic hiring spree in the coming months to meet the pent up demand for all of these services. Isn't that exciting? Talk about any business that you were especially excited to return to or that you've already returned to. I'd say Hawkins burger and Watts and any gyms, specifically the

bodybuilder gym in Silver Lake. These are some of the mom and pop places comedians have been trying to help out. Um, I miss going to a spa. I used to be a steam room guy until I went over to Rogans and he said, dude, you got to do the sauna cause the sonic because it's a dry heat. You can go a lot harder. You can, you can, you can, um, sweat out more toxins. Movie theaters. Who doesn't want to go to a movie theater? You know, check out the latest flick, um, concert venues, comedy shows, all of that shit. I miss all of that. Uh, all of these businesses are reopening. You know what that means? That means that millions of jobs will need to be filled. So where do these businesses turn to to fill these roles? Sorry, fast. I've needed to sneeze this whole podcast. Um, you know

where they go? Oh, zip. And right now you can try it for free at zip recruited.com slash burr. When you post a job on zip, they send you, uh, they send your job to over 100 top job sites, giving you access to their network of millions of job. Seekers. Yeah, but matching, matching technology scans resumes, resumes resumes. Jesus. Wait, isn't that how you also spell resumes? Hang on a second. Well, let me finish the copy. I don't look it up. How to spell resume versus resume. Okay, zip recruit is matching technology scans resumes to find qualified candidates for your open roles and proactive proactively presents them to you. You can easily, um, review recommend recommended candidates and invite your top choices to apply

for your job, which encourages them to apply faster according to zip recruit is internal data or is it data? I don't know jobs where employers invite candidates to apply get two and a half more times, uh, more candidates. Can I read that whole sentence over again? Can I get a mulligan on that? According to zip internal data, jobs where employers invite candidates to apply get two and a half times more candidates. See how much more interesting to that sound. Zip. Technology is so effective that four to five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day and right now you can try zip recruiter for free at this exclusive website zip recruiter.com slash burr that zip. Dot com slash burr spell out burr burr just go

to zip recruiter.com slash burr zip recruiter smartest way to hire. Um, all right. Well, one of the big things when you're like me and you go for old man walks, uh, is you got to make sure that you stretch guys. Are you out there? Are you stretching? You know what? I'd ask the ladies if you guys are stretching too, but you know, I don't, you know, I try to avoid women now. Every little thing seems to upset them and set them off. Right. And then you fucking lose your goddamn career. So I'm, um, you know, I got my wife. I talked to her. I just fucking everybody else like, Hey, I give him the wave little fucking it's, but it's not a wave back and forth. It's, it's a, the hand goes from, goes from left to right. It's a, it's just a flip, like a fucking,

like, um, you know, like go down that way. Looks like a wave, but it's also like, you know, could also be, you know, stay away from me, stay away from me. I like my life. I like my life the way it is. You know, eating some fucking clams and some french fries and, uh, I don't know what you're upset about, but I'm sure it's something that, uh, I'm sure it has something to do with your fucking childhood. And now you're going to blame me. You know, I wasn't even there. I just happened to be here on the fucking wrong time, the wrong date or whatever. And I ran it to you when you had your goddamn axe to grind. Jesus Christ. I got to stop talking politics, by the way.

He's fucking whores in the news sites. All of a sudden they're like paying attention to me like I actually read. My favorite one was these fucking dopes at the Huffington Post. Those fucking wishy washy cunts, they tried to cancel me twice. Then all of a sudden I say something about some guy with a red tie and they're like, Oh, he said, now you're like me. Fucking horse. Um, anyway, plowing ahead, plowing ahead. I probably shouldn't have said that because now some douches who just wear red ties will now be like, Oh, now he said this. I mean, I can barely name the 50 States. I don't know why anybody would pay attention to me. Um, all right. So last night I was, uh, I was going to bed and my wife was watching all these

Tik Tok videos, which I really like. I really like Tik Tok, but for the life of me, I just can't figure out, you know, oh no, I downloaded the app and then just wanted all of this information. Like it used to be, if you didn't have Tik Tok, they would still play the video. Now the video plays and it's on mute. You know, so at that point it's just like, all right, you know what, I'll just watch it on my wife's phone. I'm not, I think enough people got my information out there. I don't need to be signing up for your crap. Although Tik Tok is perfect as far as like, you know, videos that I should short the funny, a lot of funny fucking videos out there. I saw somebody like dressed up like Bigfoot dancing around. Who would think something as simple as that?

Acting out a song would be funny. I just don't like those, uh, those cooking videos. There's so many amateur cooks out there that have no idea what the fuck they're doing. And their thing is like, they make Emeril Lugasi look like understated. Cause I remember when that guy first came out, I was like, this guy is out of his fucking mind. Cause he was taking like all of these standard like dishes that you knew and where everybody else would stop, he would keep adding shit for like another 10 minutes. Bam! We're gonna kick it up another notch, right? He'd add extra chocolate chips or something. Remember he was making like those fucking, uh, hello dolly bars? Um, what do we call them? Or a coconut dream bar, as they

were called at the bakery, uh, that I went into one time and he added a whole other extra layer of chocolate chip. At this point, they make him look like he cooks in a bland way. I saw this thing the other fucking day. This guy made a, a, uh, I don't know what the fuck he was making, but it was just like, just stop, stop that whole fucking having a savory thing that you add some sugary shit to, and then they go back to the salt and then they're always jizzing like some balsamic vinaigrette. No, it's like a pickle on there. Some mayonnaise. You know, my wife was watching one. This woman was just like, you know, this is what I do. You know, she has like the keto thing. So anything that you have that isn't bread, she just turns it into bread, like a pepper

or a pickle or a cumquat. She just uses that for bread. And after a while, it's just like, you're just making the same dish over and over again. We had this, you guys, and it was so delicious. Try it out and tell me if you like it. Why am I shitting on her? She's got a dream. I'm sorry. And then she watches those ones where it's just the sound of sizzling and cutting and all of that. And I swear to God, it's like nails going down a fucking chalkboard. Whatever. We were watching that thing last night. By the way, my wife last night might have been the funniest person there. Just was just shitting on everybody in a funny way. She goes, Hey, Bill, could you've booked any more middle-aged white guys on the show? And it was just like, this is what the comedy scene was.

It was a fucking sausage fest. And it was all white guys and like Patrice until Dwayne Perkins came along. It was Carl Yard, I think. Who else was up here? It wasn't a lot. It was just a bunch of white guys going, Dude, what the fuck's with the snow? What's fucking snow on every other fucking day up here? Jesus Christ. My balls have fucking turned it blue. That's all it was. That's all Boston comedy was, was a bunch of fucking white guys. So we represented it. I kept it real. It was all white guys. It was not one ounce of diversity on the show. Anyway, that's the podcast. I got to go for my little old man walk. Go Red Sox. The New England Patriots have their first preseason game tonight. Imagine that, that quarterback. I don't even know his name yet.

The kid from Alabama is going to get a couple of snaps. We'll see how he looks. You know, who knows? Did Bill Belichick pull it off again? Patriots, QB. Jared Stidham is who we got. And of course we got Cam Newton too. But we'll see what's going on here. No disrespect to Cam Newton. I mean, Jesus Christ. What am I doing here? But I don't know. We're all excited. We're all excited. We got, you know, we drafted a, you know, what's more exciting than you when your team picks a quarterback as a high draft pick? I don't know, Bill, when they grab a sixth rounder who wins fucking seven Super Bowls and becomes the greatest QB of all time. Yeah, that is pretty exciting. You know, he won six for us and then went down to Tampa where they're afraid of the sting race

and they won another one there. And I hope he wins. If we don't fucking win it this year, right? Which where anytime there's Bill Belichick, you got to think you got a chance. If we don't win it this year, I'm rooting for Tampa. I am. I'm not that cunt. I'm not that guy who gets all upset that somebody fucking left. We got a whole, we got a giant stadium with a lighthouse in it because of that guy. All right, that's it, everybody. That is the podcast. I hope I gave you a couple of laughs on this thing. I know a lot of it was just me reminiscing, but I really, I really can't thank the people. I didn't think the crowd that showed up. We raised so much money for the American Heart Association and the crowd was,

was, was so just awesome. We just had a fucking great time. And, and that's what Wayne Previty was. He was a great time. He was just a great guy, a great person to hang around with. And yeah, I still can't believe the guy's gone, but you know, it's one of those shitty things in life. You know, so all right, now I'm going to get sad. Fuck that. All right. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Listen to the music and we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning morning podcast. I will talk to you on Monday. And I think you want to

you can penetrate any place you go. Yes, you can penetrate any place you go. I told you so. You want to do one, two, three, four, three and double L. B. You double our bill. Monday morning podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for August 12th. 2013. How you doing? How'd you like that intro? Wasn't that pretty cool? That was actually,

you're probably going to, who were those fine singers? Jesus Christ. That was, was, was that just human beings doing that by themselves? No auto tune? Was Kanye West not in there with a leather fucking skirt on singing about getting his dicks up despite the fact he just had a baby daughter? Um, ah, fuck. One of my ears is ringing. I hate when this happens. Anybody else have hearing damage? Come on. Stop ringing. Um, every once in a while, one of my ears just goes, and then it fucking, you know, like some heavy metal singer from fucking decades ago. Like saying, remember your childhood, your acid washed jeans. Anyways, that was the

members of our truth and salvage company. I got to know those guys. I was getting through boozing. I met that drummer, Bill Smith. I was out on a drunken night and he came over to me and he said, Hey, my name is Bill. Also, why don't you tone it down? You freckled cunt and I had to respect him. Okay. They have a new album out called pick me up. That's available on iTunes and a new single called Appalachian Hilltop. If you actually like human beings, if you like, if you like, yeah, if you like some sort of heartbeat in like your music at this point, you know, not saying that you guys out there on your designer drugs, eating each other's faces, watching some guy with a mouse head and your glow sticks is not

a good time. You know, if I got sucked into heavy metal, you know, when I, when I was coming up in the eighties, if I was coming up now, I would fucking probably be there. I definitely would be. I'd sit there jumping up and down in unison. Is that guy played as stereo in some club? Um, am I doing the thing that all old people do? I get fearful and I'm just trashing all the new stuff. I was reading something recently when, um, when airplanes first came out. Actually, believe it or not, people, sometimes I do read and I was reading this book about when airplanes first came out and, uh, this guy was pitching. We basically all we had, we had like, we had the army and the Navy and that was it. And this, somebody in one of those branches,

because I already fucking forget because every other word reminds me of something in my life. And I just start thinking that, you know, Tom Sawyer got on a boat. I remember I got on a boat. Yeah. I remember that dingy and that kid's pool party and I flipped over and I got trapped underneath. And then my eyes keep going and like six pages go by and I have no fucking idea what I read. Um, so I can't remember the guy's fucking name. And I think we just had an army and a Navy at this point. And this was, I don't know, in the teens, maybe the twenties of last, I'll just say last century, as opposed to people who try to confuse you and go the 20th century, you know, the 18th century, 1800s was the 19th century. You got to do that fucking carry the one shit

last century. All right. And he, he basically said to the army and the Navy, he was like, Hey man, like these planes, man, they're going to like change shit. And like, I don't know if your guys are going to be ready for it, man. And all the old guy, we're like, go fuck yourself. If you got damn Kleenex and your dental floss and your little lawn mower motor that you have in that thing engine, right? Fuck you. What are you going to do to me? My iron side's over here. So he's like, well, listen, man, like I don't really want to take it to that level. But why don't you put one of your bad ass boats out there and we'll bring our fucking planes over and see what happens. So they said, all right, to this sitting there laughing at them and shit. And they got

this fucking thing that's like six. I don't know. It's really thick and it's really hard to sink. And they keep a little lawn mower fucking engines and they sank the fucker in like 12 minutes. And there was actually Navy admirals crying. They couldn't believe it. Um, they were out of a fucking job, they thought. So anyways, is that what I'm doing when it comes to like dub stack that shit? Like I guess I should be into it. I don't know. I like these guys truth and salvage company. I they have my stamp of approval. If it means anything, I saw them when they opened for the black crows. What the fuck were we somewhere in LA? I don't know what. So I don't know if you like that kind of music, give these guys a shot. If you're into

other kinds of music, just keep listening to that shit. I don't give a fuck, but I don't need to hear your fucking reviews of it. Okay. I'm just suggesting this is how defensive being on Twitter makes you because no matter what you suggest, you could just say something simply, simply like, you know, ice cream is delicious. And then what kind of flavor you get? Actually, that's not all natural. You know, the fucking Samoans invented it, you know, and you just got to deal with these fucking cunts. This is coming from a cunt. All right. So whatever. I feel bad because I only mentioned Bill Smith in the band, and I probably just fucking created a bunch of infighting in their van. Right. If you're in a fucking band, you got to be riding around in a van, don't you?

Isn't that how it works? Anyways, let's plow ahead, shall we people? I am, I am still here in New Orleans. As you can tell the quality of this podcast, the audio, the audio at the very least, okay, is, is much better than last week's because the lovely Nia actually sent out my power strip or the cord, whatever the fuck you call it. And so at least you can hear me. At least you can hear the attempts. You can hear the big swing and a miss. Hey, I got to tell you something. I actually was actually rooting for Alex Rodriguez this week. You know, I really was not because I liked the guy, not because I'm all of a sudden a fucking Yankee fan, the bed, bath and beyond of the major league baseball community. Um, I just realized, yeah, their uniforms look like towels, very nice towels,

but towels nonetheless. I'm sorry, I'm drinking some water here. I burned my tongue. It's not the fucking worst. I actually, I ordered room service. I got a grilled cheese and tomato soup, as old people do. And, um, I uncovered the tomato soup, which was way too fucking hot. And I had the grilled cheese there. So I'm an American. I can't just eat the grilled cheese. I got to take that grilled cheese and I got to dunk it into the fucking piping hot tomato soup. So I stick it in my fucking pie hole, big bite of that shit. It's lava hot. So what do I do? I use my brain. My brain says, Hey, Bill, that's like, uh, you're not gonna have much tongue left. We don't do something about this. How about grabbing some cold? So my right hand was like, Oh, I got this and reached over to that

nice ice cold glass of water, but the, the, they had plastic on top of it, cellophane. So it wouldn't spill when the lovely lady brought it up to the room. So my right hand's like, you know, they're taking a fucking work. And then the rest of my body went into panic mode and I went, I just spit out, spit it out instantly. I thought it was actually a smart move, but I immediately started laughing thinking that that would have been the greatest vine ever or one of a nice one. Anyways, is a bill Burr eats burns tongue? Is that it was? I mean, you know, can you actually do a vine where it's actually just one thing? It's not a bunch of shit spliced together. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm just saying that burn my goddamn tongue. All right, people, just trying

to tell the story. I fucking puked that thing out like, like you ever see a snake when it's in the middle of eating and all of a sudden you walk up to it and it's like, Oh fuck, I think I'm going to get eaten. And then it just sort of opens it mouth and that yak comes out of it. And then the snake sitting there like, now what's up? Huh? You want to do this? Um, basically walking up to a snake while it's eating is like what happened to me when I went to that Buffalo bills game with my Patriots had on and they waited till I was taken a piss. All right, with my Johnson out and then they pushed me in the back because that's what they do up there in the city of lights. Other than eating their fucking wings and losing Super Bowls, they wait till you got your dick out

and Buffalo. Don't ever forget that. All right, so when you go up there to the falls over there in Niagara, all right, and all of a sudden you get that sensation that you got to take a piss looking at all the water. Just know, just know that the great grandson of Joe DeLammeleur, whatever the fuck you said his name, you know, Fred Smurlus Jr. My fucking push in the back is all I'm saying. All right, not trying to cause any static with that great city, formally great city, that city that will rise again, like Cleveland, like Detroit, like Des Moines. Um, I would tell you guys how much I love those cities. I like them. I'm a fan of architecture and when I go there, I always just look and I'm like, this eventually this fucking place is going

to blow up in a good way. I mean that in a hip hop kind of way. Look at me. Look at me straddling the fence of my whiteness. Um, this is another sign that I'm getting old. I have a real problem with that new Kanye West album that, you know, because I want to settle down and be a fucking parent and all that type of shit. So I look up to other people that finally fucking do it and I'm thinking, Oh, is this guy going to, you know, is he going to be changed somehow with this new fucking album? And it's just still talking about losing his diamond ring in some girl's snatch. Isn't that what it's all about? I don't know. Sometimes I'm glad I looked the way I look and I was never able to enter the club scene other than to be ushered quickly back out the

side door. Anyways, what are we talking about here? This is the Monday morning podcast and I hope you're having a nice August. The summer's coming to a close, but you know, this is the golden age of global warming. Water's a little warmer. It's just starting to tickle your toes, but you don't have to worry about getting eaten by a shark yet in your fucking living room. So, you know, I think you might get an extra three weeks, three weeks of the summer. You know, it's the greatest is the football season is starting. And you know, I've become a huge college football fan over the years. And I actually realized that my LSU Tigers, my adopted, okay, before anybody in Baton Rouge gets mad at me like, man, you ain't from here.

You ain't from here. Don't call them your target. They are our Tigers. Um, because that's what everyone in the South sounds like to me. All right. Whether you do or you don't, you do in between my ring and ears. Evidently, they're starting their season and guess who they're playing. Guess who's back in my life? TCU. Come on frogs. They're playing. They're playing those jackasses on the kickoff day. I know Alabama's playing somebody else. Uh, I don't know who the fuck they're playing Alabama. Can you believe those? You see what those cunts did this week? You see what they did to fucking the Aggies?

You know that came from them. That horse shit about Johnny Manziel signing shit. You know that came from an Alabama booster. You know it did. You know it. You know why? You know, I think it came from them because they're fucking scared. They're scared that skin, that skinny motherfucker is going to run all around the field like the white Michael Vic. All right. And he's going to fucking beat their asses again. I actually saw the replay at the end of the game last year where, uh, Jesus Christ, you never saw a sadder looking faces when they cut to the stands after that interception right down there in the end zone. Tremendous. Oh, look at that. I'm looking out on the Mississippi river that goes a paddle boat.

One of those Tom Sawyer ones, you know, way back in the day when food was fresh and everybody was dropping the N word every other word, right? We will exterminate the Indians. Oh, what a beautiful piece of history. Um, all right. What am I doing here? Is it time to do a little, uh, little advertising? Would you say? Well, I don't give a shit. I'm in control of this thing. All right. I'm running. I'm running this motherfucker. All right. Dollar shape club, everybody. You know, there are so many things in this world that irritate me. Canadian fans, script tattoos, people will get to the front of the line and shoot the shit with the ticket agent rather than just getting their fucking ID out and getting on the goddamn plane. All right.

With so many things in the world that irritate you, why would you let razors add to it? What I'm trying to say is stop milking your razor blade. Okay. I know your, I know what the brand name razors are. This is going to be a bad week of reading. Come on, Bill, pull it together. It's the first quarter. All right. We already burned the time out. Fuckin' get on with it, man. Um, I know with brand name razors, you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start to look like rusty soda cans. Let it go. It's time to move on. Dollar shape club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again. They send a pack every month for just

a few bucks. You can change your blades every week. Trust me, your face will love you for it. I'm using it right now. You should do it too. If you want to, I'm not trying to force you to do anything. All right. If you want to keep shaving with that, that rusty thing, go ahead, do it. It's your face. Join Dollar Shave Club. Shave time, shave money. You get it? Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash bird. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash borough. Click on the dollar shave banner at the podcast page bill bird.com. And also are you like me? Do you like watching TV, but you want to watch it on your own damn time? Hulu plus everybody. It's the best way to do it. I'm sure you've tried hulu.com, but I want to tell you about Hulu plus the next level, the first class, if you will.

Hulu plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere streaming on your TV. I'll go with you on your smartphone or tablet. Why stand in line or ride a train and just stare at your feet? Or maybe chat up some girl and get laid. Why would you want to do that when you could be watching your favorite shows on Hulu plus? Hulu plus is a great way to binge watch your favorite shows. Hulu plus has tons of episodes from great comedies like SNL community, modern family, South Park, family guy and thousands of other shows. And guess what? Hulu plus is only $7.99 a month. That's $7.99 for all the shows and movies you can watch. Catch up on current shows, binge on an old favorite, or catch a great movie. You can do it all. Where on Hulu plus? Right now you can try Hulu plus for

a couple of weeks free on me. When you go to the podcast page at bill bird.com and you click on the Hulu plus banner or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. Please make sure you use Hulu plus.com slash bills. You get an extended free trial. And so they know that I sent you. It helps us keep the lights on and gives you a better deal. One more time for the extended free trial. Hulu plus.com slash bill. Oh, look at me starting off slow coming back, killing those reads. All right, where the hell am I? Let's get back to the podcast. Got a big couple of weeks coming up everybody. I want to thank everyone who went out and bought tickets for the show I'm doing. Co-headlining with Brian Regan. Who's kidding? Kidding who I'm opening for the guy. We're doing

a show at cops comedy club. It is all sold out and the money is going to charity. And I can't wait to do it. Brian's been one of the, I don't know how long I've been doing this 21 years. I've been a huge fan of that guy since the first time I saw him. And I've never got to work with them in this capacity. So I'm really, really excited about doing this. And I'm actually also really interested to see how his fans react to me and my filth. All right, so that's, that's on August 27th and then August 28th, all things comedy network, the network that I've started with Al Met, the daily shows Al Madrigal, Emmy award-winning Al Madrigal. You like that? I have a friend that won an Emmy. I knew, I used to know Al Madrigal when it was Al. Al Madrigal. Now,

when I talk to him, I have to go, excuse me, Emmy award-winning Al Madrigal. Yeah, me, him, and some other guys, we all started this comedy network called All Things Comedy. Just cause, you know, we saw podcasts blowing up and artists always create scenes and then they never end up with the money. The businessman comes in and we own your podcast and we get all the money and you get great exposure, go fuck yourself, have fun and behind the podcast music on VH1. So we created like a co-op where everybody owns their shit. We all come together like a capsized ship trying to keep the sharks away until the fucking coast guard comes. It's called All Things Comedy and we're doing a live show, our official kickoff of this

wonderful network that I'm going to begin blogging on. I've already written a blog and we're going to get that up hopefully sometime this week and that's going to be on August 28th at Largo. It's going to be featuring as many people from the All Things Comedy family. Al's going to be there. I'm going to be there. Tom Popp is going to be there. I believe Tom Segora. We got to, and those who aren't, are going to try to make videos. It's going to be a great night. All right. It's at Largo on La Cienega here in Los Angeles, August 28th. All right. Back to the goddamn podcast. So anyways, the past couple of weeks, I've been talking about the food down here in New Orleans saying how delicious slash unhealthy it is and how you can't find fucking kale.

Excuse me as I drink more cold water from my fucking scalded tongue. I actually bought a juicer this week to somehow combat all the fried food that I've been eating and I started drinking that shit that that guy and fat dead and kind of sick, whatever the fuck is called, fat, sick and nearly dead, sick, fatty with dead fucking something, whatever. I've been drinking that shit, man. I got to tell you something. It's delicious. Not only is it delicious, you crave it after a while. And I think I dropped like four or five pounds, good pounds too, you know, the flabby ones. I was joking on Twitter saying how I was in, I was in button down shirt shape. And I actually want to get into like, I want to be in sitting down

no shirt on shape. I don't know what I know Bill Cosby did a bit on this, but he's so I don't what the fuck happens when you sit down, you stand up and look sideways in the mirror, you're like, all right, you know what, that isn't bad. Dare I say it's kind of cute. Shows that I like the occasional snickers, right? And you sit there pinching at yourself like you're in an old old school special K commercial going, all right, that's not that bad. That's not that bad. Then you just sit down and like three handfuls of shit just lands on your thighs. You know, for the life of me, I can't, what is what happens? The hip bones move up to your fucking man tits and everything just gets blown out. I have no idea, but sitting down

without a shirt on, you know, that's, that's the truest moment of your fucking physique that you're going to see all day. Stop standing up, sucking any gut. All right. You want to see, you want to see the damage you've done. Maybe you're not ready for it. All right. This is like the ring when you looked at that fucking chicks face, your jaw just opens up and you land in a fucking walk-in closet. Oh my God, I don't know what happened to me. I'm not even that bad a shape. So I said, fuck this, I got a juicer. And I just did a quick gig up in Chicago came right back, this private thing. So I don't know, I ate halfway decent up there. I did find a vegan restaurant, but then of course I had some Chicago pizza. So now I came back and I had my little fucking grilled

cheese sandwich and tomato soup. So now my body is starting to pull me back to the dark side. And that's what I've really learned about trying to stay in shape. It's all about keeping your brain out in front of your body, keeping your fucking wits about you. Like this shit, it's like food, you know, when they say food is a drug, I didn't believe them, but I'm totally convinced of it now. It's like when you're eating bad, when you're just going like a three month bender, I've just eaten bad in your head like, Oh God, I got to stop. I want a fucking cheeseburger and you just keep going. And then that makes you want cookies and all that type of shit. It's the food equivalent to like locking yourself in a room and just free-basin

for three months. That's what you're doing. So when I try to do when I'm eating, eating bad like this, I just talked to a buddy of mine outside of the business who's trying to lose some fucking weight. I was trying to tell him that like you got to keep your head out in front of it and just go like, I want that, but I'm going to eat this. Even in that moment when you're looking at that apple as opposed to that fucking glorious, whatever you're looking at, right toasted roast beef and cheese with the fucking pickles and the chips and all that. The last thing your body's like, that's fine. That's what the fuck I want. And you got to reach for that apple. You got to fucking hit that, that crack pipe instead. And I'm telling you, the second you get

two, three bites in, you're like, Oh, thank God, thank God I did that. And you're fine. Because from what I've, what I've read, the very little I've read is your body is, it's actually craving nutrition. You know, that's why we eat Chinese food like fucking 35 minutes later, you're hungry again, because your body's still craving nutrition. There wasn't like a fucking ounce of it in that shit at the risk of getting sued by that entire fucking continent of China. Oh, fuck yourself. So that's what I would say. If you can try to do, that's what I'm trying to do as I'm trying to keep my head out in front of it. So I got that grilled cheese sandwich, and I got the tomato soup. And I said, all right,

I got to get back on the fucking green gumbo here as I'm calling it, because I'm in New Orleans. And that's it. I'm back on that shit for the last two tomorrow morning. Wake up and make another one bingo bango. I'm trying to do two a day juicing and then one day having the fucking, you know, a healthy dinner. And then I go on the treadmill for a half hour. There's no fucking way you're not going to drop weight. All right. So there you go. So stop doing those stupid ass fad diets. It's the fucking cornflakes diet. All I do is eat cornflakes. I can eat as much as I want that bullshit. Eventually, eventually, you know what really I think the really it really is is not even like it's not even the fucking diet. It's the once you get to your weight,

what do you do then? You know, once you get down to your weight, at some point you're going to be looking around. It's like you got out of jail and there's some ice cream right over there. You're an adult. You don't have to go more ice cream, right? That's how you become a fat fuck as an adult. There's no one to say you had enough cookies. It's on you had enough booze. Put on a condom. It's all on you. You got to be your own fucking parent until you get a lady in your life. Then she starts fucking nagging at you. Take your shoes off and get out the rug. Fuck you, lady. Where did you become so angry? So that would be my advice when you're just on if you're right now, if you listen to this

shit and you're on a bad fucking road, I'm telling you one of these days in the future, you're going to wake up. You're going to be sitting down on the side of your bed. You're going to glance into a mirror and you're going to be like, what the fuck? What have I done to myself? You're going to stand up real quick. You're going to try to suck it in and try to deny the truth that you just saw. You hear that? That's the steam engine coming back on the fucking racist genocide 101. Yeah, just make yourself eat an apple or just eat a fucking salad. You got to turn the boat around. That's what I'm trying to do. I got to do it. I fucking went back up to like almost a buck 90 and now I'm back down to like the mid 170s. It's the fucking worst.

Just trying to lose like 15 pounds is the fucking worst. I can't imagine people who got to lose more than that. So, you know, I don't know how this became more of a weight loss podcast. But I think it's working though. This guy actually sent me a letter. He said, podcast success story. Dear Wilbur, you sir are a god amongst men. Jesus, I wish that was true. He goes, I used to be a depressed piece of shit. Your typical the world is against me. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants me fucking moron. That's who I was. But your advice on stepping back and making fun of every negative annotation I have, is that a word? Did he write that? Do you type that correctly or am I a more annotation? I don't know. Not to make you depressed

again. I don't have a spell. He goes, I have fucking changed my life. I'm 80 pounds lighter. I got a great girl and I've gotten to count them to promotions. You're a comedian. You're not obligated to be Oprah or Maury, but you still make a difference. Thank you sir for knocking me back into cohesion. You probably make 20 times more than me. I doubt that sir with your two big promotions there. But I know, but I owe you a drink next time I see you and if you're in Canada or being town, you stay classy sir. That's great. Good for you sir. Look at that. He turned it around. Somehow my negative, whatever the fuck, my shaming, my fat shame, my fashame has been working. All right, enough about that shit. So that's what I'm doing. I'm drinking the, I'm doing that fat,

sick and nearly dead, juice and thing. And it's like all green stuff. It's kale, celery, a couple handfuls of parsley, cucumber, zucchini, and then a lime in to take the bitterness out. And I gotta tell you, it's fucking delicious. I love it. And I don't know, I think I'm going to incorporate this in every couple of months. Just go back to that. Well, just juice for like four, five days, just so I stay out in front of it, just so I don't have to have to sit down one day and have that fucking beach ball. I got a thing on my button down shirts. It's the one to third button down. When that button starts to look like it's doing the iron cross between both sides of my shirt. That's when I'm like, yeah, you fucking jerk off. All right. And then what happens is I

lay off the beer and then I just start slamming whiskey. Like that's my initial, when I've, we've begun our initial descent into our dieting is I go from drinking pale ales to whiskey. I really am a freckled mess. All right. So anyways, I had a lot of downtime last week. I wasn't working. I had a couple of days off from my episode of Glee. It's a really long episode. I keep living along the film in this, but you know, I guess this is how they do it over there. I must have a hell of a budget. I got into, I went on Netflix and I started watching Ken Burns, The War. I know I'm like, that came out like five, six years ago. If you haven't seen it, if you like me and you're late to the party, dude, like that's my recommendation for the week.

It's a seven pot on World War II. Each one's about an hour and 50 minutes long. And I know that sounds like I just told you to watch every episode of Lost. Just it's effortless to watch this thing. Other than the amount of times you have to hit pause and go, Jesus Christ, I haven't done shit with my life. That's what, that's what it makes me feel like. I can't, I can't even begin to, you got it. You just got to watch it. You got to watch it. And what's great is it really ties the whole war together where for me, I've always seen like they'll always do stuff on it on the history channel that they'll be talking about the war in the Pacific, or they'll talk about the Blitzkrieg or they'll talk about D-Day. And occasionally they'll talk

about Northern Africa, but this thing kind of goes in chronological order of the whole damn thing. And it's, it's, I don't know, I can't explain it. It would be like, what the fuck was that movie that they showed and they showed it backwards and the guy tattooed shit on his arm? I can't remember what the fuck it was. It's like finally seeing that thing going forwards. It's just, it's un-fucking-real. What? Ah, Jesus, I'm too stupid to fucking just go, just go watch the goddamn thing. Watch your people 17 years old lying saying they're 18 and just going out on the front lines and just listening to these fucking bombs whistling in, seeing all your friends getting blown up and just, just having to resign to fate. Well,

this one's either going to hit me or it isn't and I'm still going to be fucking shooting at these guys. They, the stories that they, they talk about the guys who were flying over on the bombardiers before they had the escorts and shit and you had to do 25 fucking missions before, you know, you had basically completed your obligation and nobody had ever made it past 14. It's a fucking suicide mission and they had a guy who actually survived the ship because he was in that little fucking skylight at the bottom of the plane and he got shot. The fucking armor went through him and killed one of his buddies and I don't, he, and then he still went back, flew another one and got shot again and that's the thing that I, that basically saved him was because he kept getting shot

that he wasn't physically well enough to go back up in the goddamn plane again and, you know, and I actually have the fucking nerve to be afraid of flying. I'm landing in fucking El Paso, Texas going, oh Jesus, oh gee, there's nobody shooting at us. I never felt like such a fucking pussy in my life till I mean, I feel bad enough when I watch like a UFC event, you know, or I watch one of those, uh, the one of those shows about going to prison. You know, I, I watched the training for UFC and I would be like that, that I, I, three times kicking that, that heavy bag with my leg, it would be all bruised up and I'd be like, it's stings. I want to get out of here. It's just, can I be the guy who washes the t-shirts?

Can I mop up the mat, the mat that you guys wrestle on, you know? I don't know. Just whatever. Ken burns the war and he's done a whole bunch of documentaries and he's doing one right now that is, uh, that's about the Vietnam war. Now I'm all paranoid that I said his name wrong. You know, all of a sudden that sounded like some guy in ESPN, but that's Kenny Maine, right? Yeah, Ken Burns. There we go. All right. I got the right guy. All right. He's doing one right now. Uh, he's, uh, making one right now in the Vietnam war, which I'm definitely going to watch. You know, I already made one on the civil war. So I'm like, I'm going to fucking watch all of these things and then, uh, I don't know, six months later, I'll forget most of it. I'll probably

combine a couple, two or three wars. I'll get drunk and I'll just start spewing out information about Lincoln speaking in, uh, Iwo Jima. All right. Anyways, let's get on with the podcast. Highly recommend that if you, uh, if you get a chance, if you have seven hours to kill, I highly recommend that. Um, if you have chicken pox, it'd be a great way to, uh, forget about the itching for a good seven hours. Um, what else? Oh, tonight. Oh, last night. This is weird because I'm taping this on Sunday. Um, right now I'm taping this Sunday afternoon, New Orleans time. And, uh, I'm actually really excited, obviously, because, uh, the season five, I guess the second half of seasons, season five, the breaking bad premieres tonight. Did I start like 12 sentences there?

Let me try that again. The season, the second half of the season five series premiere of Breaking Bad starts tonight. Do you guys ever wonder why I never became a game show host as cheesy as I am, or like ever, like hosted the family feud or was standing next next to Billy Bush? He had our table. Like they have to read stuff. You know, I know I have the head to be on. I don't have the hairline, but I do have the head to be on. You know, I fucking who gives a shit. Anyways, Breaking Bad is coming back tonight. And I can't fucking wait. I thought there was only five episodes. You just found out there's eight. So I'm psyched about that. And, um, I've already, I think I've already gotten past the sadness

that it's ending. And I'm just talking as a fan. Forget about the fact that I used to, you know, get in there every once in a while. Um, um, I can't wait for this thing to come out on box set and, uh, and just go back and just go through that whole thing again. Um, a couple of months back, I actually watched the first two episodes of Breaking Bad and just seeing, you know, Cranston's character, Walter White has the hair and he's just meeting, uh, Jesse for the first time. Do you know, I heard, I don't know if this is true, but I heard that Jesse was actually, that character was going to, they were going to have him killed in the first few, but he was such a good actor, uh, Aaron Paul that they,

or they liked the character so much. I don't know if that's true. I should stop fucking making up shit. I think I remember reading this like, why would you do that bill? Why would you, it's one of the few bridges you can actually cross in this business and now you're going to burn it by putting out misinformation. What the fuck is wrong with you? Um, anyways, I was, I was somewhere killing time. Oh, yesterday when I was in Chicago and I was, uh, in the hotel and I, they had a marathon on of those doomsday preppers and, uh, they're all fucked. Do you know why all those doomsday preppers are fucked? Is because they're loners. They might survive some initial shit. They might last a month. They might last a year, but they're just instead of ripping the

bandaid off like me and just getting fucking, you know, bludgeoned to death within the first 24 hours or vaporized from something blowing up. That's, that's, that's my doomsday plan. My, my doomsday prepping that I do is that I live in probably the most dangerous city that you could possibly live in as far as earthquakes, as far as the water supply, as far as the fucking inability to get the fuck out of there. I really should get a helicopter license and try to go on eBay and buy some fucking used chopper. Cause other than that, I'm fucked, but there's, there's a, there's a piece that you gain from just being completely fucked is you just say, yeah, what am I going to do? I'm fucked. All right. Oh, I got a great idea. I'm going to sell

a doomsday prepper kit for people who don't want to prep. And what it's going to be, it's going to be a beautiful locket that you wear. They'll have a male one. It's a little more masculine and put some spikes on it or some shit for male or female. And when you open it up, there's one little cyanide pill in there. There you go. You just off yourself. The dollar's collapsing. There's fighting in the street. You just pop it in there. And that's it. It's over. You know, you want to live and be on dead body patrol, going out there with your fucking ski mask on, having to bury all those cunts before they give out disease. Cause that's what you're going to be doing if you survive.

If you're a low level human like myself, where you're really not bringing anything to the table, if they let you survive, if they decide to let you survive, that's what you're going to be. Oh, that's going to be your first fucking jobs. Other than getting naked and have them throw fucking lie all over you, whatever they fuck lime. Is that what they throw at lie? Lime all over you to get rid of the body lice. Your job, you're going to go out there in some sort of Tarzan fucking bikini bottoms with that powdered sugar all over you. And you're going to just start, you're going to have, it's going to be it. So my suggestion is either get some cyanide or learn how you operate a backhoe. Cause other than that, if you survive, you're going to be standing there with

the shovel, getting a fucking sunburn that the modern world has never seen. Anyways, I'm watching this, this doomsday prepper thing. And they got all these guys doing this shit. And they got this one dude who's just, you know, he's got like fucking three years worth of shit. He's got flat screen TVs, got all this fucking stuff down. I love the flat screen TV. That's hilarious to me. Like, it's the end of the world, but somehow cable still exists. Somehow somebody is at the, the head of the cables, cable central, wherever that is flipping the switch. So you can see the final eight episodes of Breaking Bad. Despite the fest, everybody connected with Hollywood is now gone. Except for Wesley Snipes. I'm sure he's got a bunker

somewhere. Yeah, you got the balls and I picked the government taxes. You definitely got, you got, you have a strategy in place. And plus just even if that shit, even if he didn't take martial arts, just the sword swinging alone that he had to learn the choreography that would scare the fuck out of most zombies. And they turn the other way, right? So he's got all of this stuff, and he's sitting there talking about he's still afraid of the Russians in a nuclear holocaust. He's been prepping for 30 years because that's basically what they used to scare the shit out of us about. I came in the tail end of it in the 70s. And this guy was older than me. So they psychologically fucked this guy up so bad that he was now, you know, stockpiling this hole

in the ground. And then he found out that recently declassified information said that the Russians had detonated some fucking, I don't know, 200 megaton fucking something or the biggest bomb bomb ever detonated. They did it. And he realized that he wasn't deep enough. So he went out and he bought this big steel fucking tube. And the whole time he's doing this, this guy is like 200 pounds overweight. And it's like, dude, you better, you better deal with that first, like you're going to drop off a fucking heart attack before they drop a fucking bomb on us. And he finally addressed it. He said, you know, I probably should get myself a better shape. Of course, he was sitting down the entire time and even with the t shirt on the guy was so fucking fat, you could

tell that he was finished. But so actually like the guy because he finally addressed the fact that he was out of shape and needed to do something about it. But towards the end, there was this 15 year old kid who's since the age of 12. Maybe he's a little bit older. When was 2008? That was five years ago. He's about 17. He was 12 when the 2008 banking collapse happened. So he went on and the internet and he started reading up on banks and probably saw the conspiracy theory that I did. And it scared the fucking shit out of him as a 12 year old. And this fucking kid has been like scavenging slash stealing shit wherever he can because he doesn't have any money. And he has all these guns and he has these fucking swords and shit. He dresses in fatigues and stuff.

And his mother is just sitting there going like, you know, I always wanted a normal son. I don't know why he feels he has to do this. And now he's got, he's brought a friend into a fold and then they brought a friend into the fold and he brought a third person into the fold. And it's literally like lady, lady, did you see Colin by all right? I'm not saying this kid is like that. But like, what the fuck are you doing? Her big parental moment was he's not allowed to go to the gun range without her. She goes there and lets him practice. And this fucking kid was great. His spread was basically from, you know, one ventricle to the fucking other. All right. Is there two ventricles or is that an A order? I don't fucking know.

I'll Google map the heart at the end of this. Yeah, he was basically hitting it all center mass right around, right around your fucking heart, right? And but then he goes home and he's got the ammo and he has the guns in his fucking bedroom. And you know, he's like, I'm thankful to grow up with guns. He didn't even have a Southern accent. Why am I fucking trash in the South again? He had this fucking awful haircut. He didn't have a girlfriend. He's a fucking, he's going down this rabbit hole and she's just letting him do it. And I found it really disturbing. I don't find it disturbing when like, I see those kids smiling and they have rifles and their parents have gotten them into hunting. I know people out where I live and when I lived

in New York City, they freak out about that stuff. Really intolerant of it. You know, as they eat a fucking chicken burrito. But I don't, I think you should know how to hunt and do all that type of shit. You don't want to know, I could fucking kill, I could kill a pig, a wild boar. I would love to go out and do that. Fucking shoot that thing. I want to hear from the rednecks out there. What am I in for? If I miss and that thing comes up on me, don't they just start fucking eating you? They're pigs, right? They fucking eat anything. Would I scare them or would I look like one of

those white chocolate covered pretzels? They'd think my freckles was salt. They'd be all over it. Would it be okay? Since somebody, you know, next time I do one of my Southern Tours here, can you guys take me pig hunting? And I want to fucking do it up. I'm going to go Rambo style with a crossbow, but I do want to have a backup Uzi. And I know if you're going to a redneck, I know you have a fucking Uzi that's been fucking handed down since the 80s, whenever the fuck Uzzies came out before laws prevented you from getting them. It's for, I'm hunting quail. Is this America? All right, let's get into some questions for the week here. I'll read the last couple of

advertisers. Why don't I do that? All right, here we go. Had a bad first quarter. I did great in the second quarter. Let's get out. We got another 30 minutes. Let's win this game. Here we go. The last couple. Legal Zoom, everybody. Most Americans don't have a will, but why? You don't want government rules dictating what happens to your property and minor children, do you? So why procrastinate? Most people say it's too expensive or it's too time consuming. My answer is legalzoom.com. Too expensive, you're going to love legalzoom's reasonable prices. Too time consuming. Most people finish the online process in just 20 minutes. And we're not talking some fill-in-the-blank BS form here. Your will is state specific and personalized based on your information. Best

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the summer, son. Thanks to Evoise. Evoise is a better way to connect with your people that drive your business. Evoise will forward your business calls to your home, mobile, or any number you choose wherever you are. Evoise will find you. If you don't have time to take a call, it's routed to your voicemail, and you can read it at your convenience as a text message. Evoise not only gives you an edge over your competitors, it takes away the edge the big companies have over you right now. That's a huge point right there, people. I hope you were listening. With Evoise, you can create the appearance of a whole office building of departments when customers call you. A sales department, customer support, tech support, you name it, it's going to seem like you have it. And

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$55 free postage. What the hell are you waiting for? Go to Stamps.com right now before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the page, homepage, excuse me, and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. All right, there you go. There you go. Went to the wild blue yonder. All right, let's get into the reads for this week. Italy, hey Bill, you mentioned a couple of weeks ago that you were thinking about going to Italy and you wanted some advice about where to go. My lady is Italian, so I've been there a bunch of times. Here's the deal. First, you should decide if you want to see the north or the south. The north is more industrialized with lots of interesting cities. Yeah, and San Marino too. All right, isn't that with a blue bloodstay? Good food and has a

more vibrant urban feel. The south is more country style with good weather and beautiful nature. I think I kind of like that. You could think of it being very roughly like the difference between New England and the south back in the States. And the winter, the north will be pretty cold and the south will be a little more balmy. They both are the shit. All right, cool. Where's Rome? Rome's like right in the middle. I got to get to know that type of stuff. I can't wait to go. That's what I'm going to do right before my European tour is I'm going to go to Italy for a couple of days, like two, three days. Why the fuck wouldn't you? If you're going to be over there anyways, I'll get acclimated to the time, the time change while eating some of the best food on the

planet. I mean, my two favorite kinds of food is Italian and Japanese. Those are my two favorites. I love them both. Fucking delish. So I got to figure out where I'm going to go. Because I only have three days. I don't want to go there and try and do a bunch of things. I think I just want to go there and eat. I'm big into stadiums. Maybe I would see the Roman Coliseum, but I think I just want to, I don't know what I want to do. I just want to eat some fucking just great place and taste really clean food. What I so respect about Italians is how much they give a shit about the food making process. You know, I've told this shit before. I used to know more Italian guys back in the day when I was living in Boston. I swear to God, they would watch me make a meal

and it would like be upsetting them. And eventually they just have to take over and be like, just get out of here. Like they would watch you fucking up a piece of meat and it would literally, it would like, it would upset them. You know, so you got to respect that. All right, here we go. Salads. Oh, by the way, that's another great part in the Ken Burns documentary is, you know, I always saw Mussolini given the speeches. Oh, he's got one great one where he keeps doing this thing with his hand. Like, he's just fucking talking shit. Like Hitler makes me want to speak German and Mussolini makes me want to speak Italian, just watching their speeches, watching Hitler screaming and yelling. Like, you know, we used to be crying. No, we saw him sick of this

shit. I mean, is that what he's saying? I want to know what the fuck is he yelling about? And Mussolini, that look of confidence on his face. I just want to hear what the fuck he's talking about. I'm sure there's transcriptions, but it's got to be better if you actually know the language. And I got that fucking Irish thing where I got to do everything the hard way. So all I would ever see was him Mussolini giving the speeches and then him fucking hanging by the meat hook, him with his fucking girlfriend. And I always wondered what the hell had happened. I didn't know that he had gotten captured. And then the Nazis came in and freed him, you know, like the fucking expendables or some shit. Is that a right reference? I never saw

one of those movies, but that seemed like what they were doing, like they were rescue with people. And, and then he got caught again, and he tried to talk his way out of it again. And his last words were and was basically saying no, like, no, no, no. Jesus fucking Christ. What a fucking way to go out. I've been talking about that in my act. It's just that guy in like a year's time, he went from just like being having boy band fame and everybody screaming and throwing bras at him and shit to be like on his knees like they killed him and his woman. I love it too. It was his mistress. I believe that's what they call, I don't fucking remember. I remember already starting to forget

the shit. And then they brought him into town and everybody was kicking him in his face. They just kicked the shit out of his face and they're spitting on him and they hung him by a meat hook. It's like, what happened? You know, you think it's bad to be like, you know, in O-Town? Try being a fucking dictator, man. It's brutal. It just doesn't, that's why they never have a behind the music for dictators because you know how it, for the most part, how it fucking ends. You don't end, you know, you're not lying in bed, you know, going through some fucking Buddhist, this is the death process, you know, where they teach you how to die peacefully and you're surrounded by fucking loved ones or whatever. This is the exact opposite

of that shit. Hitler blew his brains out. What's his face? Mussolini, I just told you what the fuck happened to him. Saddam Hussein, they dragged him out of a fucking hole. He went out like a gangster though, man, like Jesus Christ. He refused the hood. He put the rope around his neck and he was getting heckled. This is his shit. Like when people talk about, you know, when they go and they look at comics, getting heckled and taken on the crowd, he has to have the best one for dictators. He was standing there and he's getting heckled and he's giving him shit right back with a fucking rope around his neck. You got to respect that, man. I would have been like Mussolini, let me try to fucking wriggle my fat head out of it. I definitely would have taken the hood.

Who else? Now that the fatty over there and a little fat boy in Korea, I wonder how he died. He's probably watching like Little House in the Prairie or something. He was a weird guy. He was in the movies and shit. He actually, he lived, it's very few that actually get to make it that far, you know. They get to continue work. It's like actors who get to continue working on into their seventies and still doing like Oscar winning work. It's very difficult. Most people fall by the wayside. All right, Bill, we get it. Okay. All right. You know, I'm into that shit. All right, salads. Hey, Bill, I would like to get into eating more salads, but I am only 20. And what the fuck do I know about salads? Dude, I didn't know shit about salads. I wish I started

eating salads when I was 20. I wouldn't have this fucking mess. Oh, Jesus Christ. And it's pasty. It's even worse. Should I get into spinach? Some good old iceberg lettuce? What do I put in salad? What's the point of making a salad if I just cover with ranch dressing and put a bunch of bacon on it? I'm not even sure what balsamic vinaigrette is. Is a boiled egg a good thing to put in? Guidance is appreciated. Got to be a dick here and say, ha ha, Blackhawks won. Well, you won. You get to fucking brag about it, you cunt. Listen, I don't know shit about nutrition. I'm just starting to learn about it. I know iceberg lettuce is like 90% water, I think. Spinach is good shit. I like that. I like arugula. Kale's awesome. And yeah, don't go through all the crap of eating

that shit and then put a bunch of dressing on it because you're adding all those extra calories. I guess balsamic vinaigrette. This is all shit that I've overheard. I heard that that's a healthier one. But even then, I try to avoid drowning it. And what's great about it is when you start eating them, you start craving them and that becomes one meal a day. And that's just, you know, you got to start looking at like a steak and cheese sandwich or something like that, a pizza. That's just, it's just a plate full of setups. You know, I fucking hate going to the gym. I like going to the gym because I want to look good. I hate going to the gym because I fucking have to go, which is what I'm doing right now, which sucks. You know, you know, it's another bad one is when you're

fucking sitting up in bed like I am and you hold your iPhone up to you and you get the reflection of like your fucking nine chins start to get that pelican neck. Anyways, so there's a bunch of recipes out there. You can find it, but I would stay away from iceberg. That stinks. Romaine is like, that's like halfway decent. All right. Iceberg lettuce. They're like the, I don't know what you want. You want to go sports on this one? We'll go sports and I'm not talking about what they're going to do this year, what they did last year. I would just say what they've done in my lifetime. All right. Iceberg lettuce is like the fucking Detroit lions. Even though they're good now,

they weren't then. So that's probably a bad example. The Cleveland Browns of lettuce. Sorry, everybody in Cleveland, although I did promote your city and I saw a lot of fucking construction going on there. Romaine lettuce is like that fucking team that every once in a while makes the playoffs, but never fucking wins it there. That's like the Falcons of lettuce. And then you get into Rugalas, the Cowboys, Kale, I would say is the 49ers and I don't know what, or I don't know, maybe I should have said the Packers and Steelers or the Steelers and Packers. Packers are the most successful. So I'd say they're Kale. I'd say Steelers. Just shut the fuck up, Bill. Okay.

Russian guy outwits banks. Oh, I like this one already. Hey, Bill, thought you might enjoy reading this article about a Russian man who outwitted a bank by writing his own terms into their credit card contract. Jesus Christ, that's fucking phenomenal. How the hell did, that's like beating Bruce Lee at karate or Kung Fu or Jing Fung Ku, whatever the fuck you did. Article, here we go. The idea of beating the banks at their own game may seem like a rich joke, but Dmitry Agarokov, Agarkov, I don't know, 42-year-old Russian man, something he plays for the Red Wings, doesn't he? 42-year-old Russian man may have managed to do it. Unhappy with the terms of an unsolicited credit card offer he received from an online bank,

Tinkov credit system, Agarkov, sorry, if you're listening, I'm butchering this, or if you're of Russian descent. He scanned the document, wrote in his own terms, and sent it through. The bank approved the contract without reading the amended fine print, unwittingly agreeing to a 0% interest rate, unlimited credit and no fees, as well as the stipulation that the banks at the bank pay steep fines for changing or canceling the contract. The bank has so much money they'll be able to get around this, but what a fucking genius. What a hero. Agarkov used the card for two years, but the bank ultimately canceled it and sued Agarkov for $1,363. The bank said he owed them charges, interest, and late payment fees. A court ruled that because of the no

fee, no interest stipulation Agarkov had written in, he owed only his unpaid $575 balance. Look at this. Two minutes left in the game, people. Is he going to win this or what? Agarkov is now suing the bank for $727,000 for not honoring the contract's term, and the bank is hollering fraud. They signed the documents without looking. They said to me what usually their borrowers say in court. We've not read it. Agarkov's lawyer said, the shoe's on the other foot now. Sorry, I really butchered the ending of that reading. So, well, I got to pay attention to that. Well, they'll settle out of court. I don't know, man. That's a hard, I mean, the fact that you just got out of paying the fees.

I got to put this in my computer here. I want to pay attention to that. Agarkov, Russian, bank case. Okay, so it's still at that point. Hey, anybody in Russia listening to this thing? Can you please keep me abreast of this? I want to see if he gets any of that $727,000, all right? I'm going to do a little pregame analysis here. I'll tell you right now. I got to tell you, if I'm the bank, I got to be taken out if we end up in this situation. I would actually guess that they're not going to pay any of that. They've probably got enough politicians and judges in their pockets. I mean, it's corrupt enough over here. I can't imagine what the fuck it's like

over there. No offense, but it is what it is. Yeah, if anybody, you know, in Estonia, Latvia, if you're close enough, you can pay attention and let me know. I'd appreciate it. Lithuania, the Ukraine, Belarus, look at me. I've learned some shit. I'm an attention whore, Bill. Bill Burr Marshall. I'm a 16-year-old guy and I've recently come to terms with the fact that I love attention. In most instances, this would not be too big of a deal. I mean, look at you. You made a career out of it. Hey, listen, you fucking cunt. Just because you found out that you're a dick, you don't got to rub up against me and get your stink on me. You know? Did I say I didn't like fucking attention, you asshole? Jesus Christ. You know, I was actually going to

compliment you with the fact that you actually could step outside yourself and see something that could potentially be a flaw. Wanting attention is not a bad thing. It's all how you do it. You know? All right, here we go. I constantly sit in class loudly cracking jokes and can usually get the whole class laughing. Plus, I don't have to worry about the teachers yelling at me because I'm such a manipulative son of a bitch that I have ensured that they all like me. Here's the problem. My friends hate it. All right, this is taking a different turn here. The jokes I make with them are far different. I actually think they're funny. You see, the jokes I make to the whole class are shitty, hacky, cheap, cheesy, douchey jokes,

targeting a group laugh. The jokes I make with my friends are normally riffing on something. They might actually be creative. Oh, all right. So you kind of, when you're with your friends, you're actually a comics comic. But when you're in front of the crowd, you're playing to the masses. Well, you got to pick a road here, son. Or maybe you don't. I mean, it's not like you're trying to be a comedian. Or maybe you are. If you're going to be a comedian, I would try to make the crowd laugh at the jokes that make your friends laugh. All right, here we go. Now I know the simple solution seems to be stop being a class clown, but I just love the attention. I'm so emotionally undeveloped that I crave the class approval and attention. Dude, you're not emotionally

undeveloped. This is unbelievable that you have this sort of knowledge of self at 16. I certainly didn't. Well, you know, it's 16. I don't think I knew till I was 36. So you're in a, you're in a good situation here because I love being the center of the class, making everyone laugh, despise knowing that I'm being fake and not myself. What should I do? Should I stop cracking the shit jokes in class? Or should I tell my friends to get over it and keep being that guy? Thanks and go fuck yourself. First of all, I don't know what the fuck your friends have a problem with. I mean, how bad are these jokes you're saying? And you're basically, what you're doing is in class sounds like the first, I don't know, three to six, seven, eight years of being a stand-up

comedian, where once you figure out how to make the, the crowd laugh, you then try to be like, well, I want to, I want to be like, say what I really want to talk about up here, basically find your voice. So I don't think that you should make a change because of your friends. I think you should make a change because you want to make the change. You know, wouldn't that make sense? If you like the attention and that type of shit who gives a fuck, but if you want to take your class clownery to the next level, I would go with some of the more creative stuff. You don't have to always go with the shit joke, but I have to commend you that you, when I used to be a class clown, I would always get in trouble and the teachers didn't like me. So the fact that you're

able to do that is great. And I think you're going to be real successful in life. You could do anything, politics, show business, sales. If you like, if you can actually talk to a crowd, that really puts you ahead of the game, I would think. All right. He also says PS, as a Blackhawks fan, I would just like to personally thank Boston fans for being so classy, respectful, and dare I say, St. Light. St. Light from the bottom of my hat, my Blackhawk heart, I would like to personally thank each and every Bruin fan. You are all models of fandom. Thank you for fucking mocking that. Or just trying to rub it in. I don't give a shit at this point. That seemed like years ago and we just won a cup. So I'm good. So congratulations

to you, sir. Good luck with trying to find your voice as a class clown. All right, goddamn ex-girlfriend. Dear Billy Boy, your podcast is Killer Man. Thanks. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. And he says, I'm writing you to get some insight on my ex-girlfriend situation. About six months ago, my ex dumped my ass and totally crushed my heart. That's the worst. You got to go through it though. He says, I was fucked up for a while, but took some of your advice and focused on improving my own shit. I never called her a text or did any asshole for six months. A couple of months ago, she texts me. Ah, fucking, I knew it. I knew it. Now without reading this thing, she's texted you. Now either she legitimately wants to get back

together with you, which if you still love her, that would be a good thing. Or whatever the fuck she, whatever life path she went down over the last six months, has hit a hard, has hit a bump on the road and maybe she's having second thoughts or maybe she's completely evil. And she's like, wow, he just never called me again. Why don't I call him up and mind fuck him? Those are my three guesses on the, uh, the cunt genie lamp there. All right. So she texted me. She wanted to know what I've been up to and how I was doing. She also wanted to know why I unfriended her on Facebook and he writes, why do you think you dumb cunt? Now, wait a minute. Did you unfriend her because of my advice? Or did you do that on your own? That's a great thing you got. You got to get,

cut the cancer out. You can't be watching what the fuck she's doing. All you're doing is prolonging that pain in your heart. You got to, uh, I'm telling you, you got to, you got to cut off all contact and then you got to go Chris Bosch where you just got to drop to your knees a couple times a day and cry it out. Don't be afraid to fucking do that. Now I wouldn't do it in front of a bunch of men, but you know, do it on your own. Like as a man, you have to understand that the reason why you're able to cry is because you're supposed to, because if you don't, you keep it in your chest and it becomes anger and then you yell at your kids. All right. I resisted the urge to tell her to go fuck herself and kept my responsible. My response is cool and casual. Dude, you are on

the road to a post breakup blow job. That's what you are right now. Let's see if you keep the car on the road. Here's my question. How the fuck do broads know when you are finally getting over them and that they should get a hold of you and make you feel like shit again? Also, do you see, I know it. Also, do you think it's a dick move to get a hold of an X if you're the one who dumped them when they haven't gotten a hold of you since the breakup? Finally, how do you think I should handle this going forward? Um, well, you know what? You, you basically, you learned one of life's tough lessons is that, uh, well, I mean, you know something, I might be being a dick here. Like maybe guys do this shit too. All right. Guys do do this shit too. You got those guys who, uh,

they break up with the girl, but then they keep her in, in, they try to like hold on to her so no one else can fuck her. You know, guys who do that shit. So this is really like I'm being a sexist more and as usual, um, I'm coming from the male perspective. That's all I got. All right. Trying to show a little empathy here. Um, how do they know? I don't know, but they're great at it. So rather than trying to figure it out because I don't know that you can as a guy, just respect that they have that ability. All right. Um, you might want to consider changing your cell phone number so she can't text slash mind fuck you again. Um, what a, it is the fucking worst. They're just the fucking worst in that situation, dude. You just, you got to walk away from a man.

So I can't remember what the fuck you asked me. I'm going through all the breakups I've been through mentally right now. Um, all right. So the first thing you said is how the fuck to broads know when you finally over them? I don't know. Change your cell phone number. It's my solution. Um, also, do you think it's a dick move to get a hold of an X if you have no intention of getting back with them? Yes, I do. And you have to accept the guilt that you feel that you broke somebody's heart and you have to own that. You can't like call in just calling to make sure you're doing okay. You're not helping that other person. If you have no intent, you're giving them a half a second of hope. And then, you know, you just, you're, you're ruining them. You got to let them go.

Um, and lastly, how do you think I shouldn't handle this going forward? Yeah, I would say, uh, don't respond to her texts or, uh, even then just her texting you and seeing your name and knowing that she's thinking about you and your heart still going to be like, well, maybe maybe she wants to get back together. I would just change your number. Start over again. Go build Bixby, get a backpack, walk out of town, go down the fucking street. Um, start working out, get some new women in your life. That's another thing. Go out there, go hit, get on something he thinks out of your league. Who gives a shit? Go have a good time. Um, hitting on a girl that's odd, that's so called out of your league is like playing a sport against people who are better than you.

It makes you better. It ups your game. All right. So then when you, you play against somebody who's only a little out of your league, you're actually, you used to playing beyond and you're not nervous. You used to that speed, you know, does that make any fucking sense? I hope it does. Anyways, that is the, uh, the podcast for this week, everybody. Thank you as always for everybody who's, uh, contributed with the questions and everything. That really is the last half of this podcast every week. Um, and also I forgot to mention that, uh, the last couple of weeks, if you'd like to support this podcast, a very easy way is if you plan on buying on some, something on Amazon.com, just go to billbird.com. First click on the podcast page and click on

the Amazon banner that we have that'll take you right to Amazon and you don't have to do shit after that. It doesn't change the prices of anything. They kick me a percentage of, uh, the sale for driving traffic their way. I take a percentage of that, send it to the Wounded Warriors project. So it's a two for one, as far as supporting me and supporting the Wounded Warriors project and also hard copy versions of my DVD, uh, of my standup special, sorry, DVD copies are available on my website and also available for download, um, for five bucks. And it's, uh, the you people are all the same. So people have asked me when I'm doing another special, I've begun talks about planning about doing one in the first half of next year. I basically,

I do them every other year. Um, that's basically how it works. I spend one year having fun right in a new hour and then I spend the next year fine tuning it. And then when I'm done with that, then I shoot it. That's basically, uh, that's basically what I do. And, uh, that's the formula. It's been working for me. So I'm sticking with it. And then also people in Scotland have been asking me about my, am I still doing Scotland? Cause I didn't see a date. I am definitely doing a date. Things got moved around. I do doing two shows in London. I'm still doing one in Scotland. Um, it's going to be at this theater. I forget the name of it, but I'm somewhere around the fourth or the fifth of December or something like that. But, uh, hopefully at some point this week,

I'm going to get an official date and I'm going to tweet about it. I will Facebook about it and I will podcast about it next week. And, uh, thank you to everybody over there who's been buying up the tickets. It's starting off really strong. And, uh, somebody actually sent me a link, um, for the, uh, the advertisement in Stockholm and it was really cool. Other than my name, obviously it's all written in fucking Swedish and shit. And it's just, uh, it's the coolest fucking thing ever that there's people on the other side of the world speaking a different language and they're writing about a show that you're going to go out there and go do, you know, it's fucking awesome. So anyways, I'm really excited about that. And, uh, all the shit that I have

coming up. Uh, oh, by the way, if you're into, uh, if you're not into, um, motorcycle racing or you'd like to get into it, they got one of their grand prix. I think it's in Indianapolis or something somewhere in the States this weekend coming up on, uh, August 18th, I believe. I'm actually going to watch it now that I got a motorcycle license. I watched that, uh, documentary on Netflix about all those motorcycle races, races and that type of shit. And just, it's just fucking the balls that that takes. It's like you're in a formula one car, except you don't have a roll cage around you. It's unfucking real. The balls that that takes. So I'm hopefully going to have time to watch it next Sunday. I'm definitely going to try to find a bar out here. And once again, thanks to

everybody in New Orleans has been having a great time coming around town, going to the open mics, doing the, uh, doing the standup shows, been getting a wonderful reception and I've been trying a lot of new stuff. So I'm having a ball down here. I'm going to be down here for another week and a half. And then I'm back up where the hell do I go? I go up to Connecticut to do the MGM. And then I do, I think the university of Cincinnati and then I'm back out to LA. And that's the deal, everybody. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week and I'll see you later.