Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-15

Episode Date: August 14, 2015

Bill rambles about ball grabbing while walking, Coach Clam and Jane's Addiction.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's.com Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday and I'm just checking in

on you man how's your week going huh is it flying by hopefully huh we gotta make something the summer's almost going away I absolutely butchered some fucking chicken on the big green egg how the fuck do you do that I'll tell you how you do that you walk away from it right and you're running to your little lady you know when she's going through some emotional shit you gotta be there for are you blaming your wife Bill yeah I am I am I was already gonna fuck it up because I didn't you know I never cook chicken on that thing and they were like really thin too and I don't know what the fuck I did but it tastes like fucking shoe leather tough like fucking shoe leather that fucking chicken was terrible

but I ate it anyways German Irish plowed right fucking through it you would have thought I was eating the fucking lamb shank the lamb shank good the fuck is going on with my AC there we go had the fucking thing close there anyways by the way I got a lot of a lot of not letters a lot of tweets a lot of Twitter is wrapped up in the court here about last week's podcast Monday mornings part Monday morning podcast it got cut off in the end for whatever reason I still have the audio so in classic radio old school radio I'm gonna give you a teaser hey at the top of the end of the podcast we're gonna have the lost footage from our fucking Apple song from our mama I'm gonna play it at the end all

right that's my little teaser like you can't just fast forward to the fucking end and listen to my answer you know say hey folks stick around don't forget to stick around to the end of the podcast don't forget to not hit the fast forward button and stick around stick around coming up at the top of the hour we got that redheaded cunt asking that question that got cut off from four days ago um anyway so it's Thursday huh today payday for you the fuck did they take from you now everything about that how much money they take out of taxes and the amount that actually goes towards this shit that they need to fix what do you think it is you know what I mean they take a nice fucking sweet fucking 30 35% of all your goddamn it's probably more than

that I'm just talking about how you check forget about the hidden gas tax right every time you go out to get uh one of them little medicine things for the fucking corn on your foot you know there's tax on that there's fucking tax on everything it was pissing me off the other day I was thinking about how when cars first came out you just had a fucking car and you drove around it was all good then they had to regulate them then you had to get a license plate so they knew where fuck everybody was the next thing you need to pay taxes on it the fuck am I giving you money for you know oh for the roads man for the fucking roads fuck you you can build a road for like fucking 700 bucks I swear to god with you if you really cut through all the bullshit you know like right now I'm having

this this little closet thing made on the outside of my house I already had this little closet thing but it was you know it was a dirt floor and that type of shit so I'm having put a little concrete on the floor give me a little door put some shelves in there and I can get some of the shit out of my garage right so the guy goes oh yeah absolutely absolutely my friend anytime anybody says my friend they're not they're gonna teach they're not gonna treat you like a friend the guy came back with this astronomical fucking thing I was just like really come on buddy no no no the fucking concrete that's gonna cost like 10 grand and uh the screwdrivers are like 500 bucks a piece plus labor it's just like how do you do that all day how do you how do you just fucking

walk around they just look at you and they go all right what can I take this dope for let's check him out lack of pigment a couple of freckles oh man he had fucking orange hair when he was a kid no this guy's got no self-esteem I'm going high on this one you know what I mean if I came out came out looking like what's his face they fucking do it in archer right jet black hair with the fucking steel blue eyes I probably got the whole thing done for 300 bucks um you know it's funny I'm at the age I don't even give a fuck is that what it is yeah yeah that makes you feel good that's gonna fill up the fucking back of your jeans so I don't have to look at your ass crack go ahead go ahead and do it go ahead and knock it out there buddy and uh I'll get all this shit out of my garage

and I'll just go jump on a stage and dance like a fucking monkey and that'll pay for the closet how about that how about that sir how about that all right you could sit there with your little igloo fucking hey you know my wife gave me shit that because I called alligator shirts lacquer shirts I call them eyes odds what they called eyes odds back in the day you know this is one of the things as you as you fucking get older is is the names of shit changes and if you if you're not real careful it'll make you feel like you're going senile kfc it's Kentucky fried chicken lacoste it's an alligator shirt an eyes-odd don't get a fucking god dude I fucking I hit a scratch

god dude I got a fucking like ten eyes odds gonna show up to school you see me two weeks straight never see the same shirt twice um so anyway so that thing's getting done and all of that shit um christ I got nothing to talk about my life's been just going fucking great my life's going so great I'm not even I'm not even afraid to say that you know I really think it is it's that I've just been in that goddamn editing room editing this cartoon and it keeps getting funnier and I can't wait for it to come out so let's talk about the the the the little amount of shit that I've paid attention to sort of paying attention to the election this year simply because there's a bush and a Clinton in it again and I'm liking that jeb bush doesn't

seem like he's getting anywhere I can't believe Hillary Clinton people how many fucking times do you gotta get fucked over by that last name bush or Clinton before you just want somebody new fucking you over is it the familiarity is that what it is I did and they are pushing her so fucking hard on cnn just completely ignoring that she had a bunch of top secret documents on her laptop she's a complete piece of shit just like her dad not her dad sorry your fucking sugar daddy whatever you call him is her fucking live in arrangement her husband right she goes to those fucking Bilderberg meetings she's in the goddamn illuminati what the fuck are you why would you want her in there I've always been a Yankee fan you remember that when she lied about that with

a brand new Yankee hat they won four fucking championships while her husband was in office she never said boo about it and all of a sudden she wants to run for fucking office in New York oh my god and all the fucking women's groups they don't give a fuck as long as it's got a clam they don't give a shit if it's the spawn of satan they're gonna fucking vote for it and you know what go ahead and do it you're gonna get what you deserve so fucking dumb the dumbest thing guys ever did was shut women out of stuff so now they just fucking vote for shit just because it's a woman it's stupid we're getting what the fuck we deserve why do they got to be a part of everything that we created we created the government you know it's a boys only ladies I'm fucking with you I don't

feel that way about the government I think it should have a nice balance to what do you think about that however the NFL is a men's football league all right men only I'm give I'm fucking with you I don't give a shit if they have female coaches but I don't believe in the NFL getting female coaches because they give a shit about women the NFL basically hit maximum density with male fans and they have just been bending over and grabbing their fucking ankles trying to get as many women to enjoy the fucking game so they can make even more fucking money selling pink jerseys so then they got in business with the pink lady right they fucking now they got a coach but when it really comes down to it they showed their true colors when Ray Rice knocked out that lady in the

fucking elevator and dragged her out like a caveman you know they don't give a fuck they gave them four games over that they don't they don't even pay attention I don't think they even fucking pay attention um so anyway so there's gonna be a woman oh god a woman fucking coach just the amount of disruption that that's gonna cause you know he's be back in the day back in the day the fucking coach just ran right in the locker room screaming at everybody is there the dicks hanging out now now you know and he was in the moment he just saw that now we're gonna have to wait him everybody hang on put your towels on Lorraine's coming in let's try to watch your language everybody uh gee I'll tell you that was a heck of a thump and we took there in the first half and I gotta

tell you I'm oh I'm really disappointed um I don't know I give up is there any place we can go I don't understand why they think we're so fucking stupid yet they want to be involved in everything we're doing you know we're dumb you know we're gonna say a bunch of dumb shit why would you want to be around us Jesus I need to take breaks from hanging out with my friends we're fucking idiots I literally have to take breaks from hanging out with my friends because if I don't I'm gonna die a much earlier death you know then I come home and you get nagged I really didn't think it was gonna be this negative this week I don't know what to fucking tell you um speaking of ladies I had a really weird uh experience the other day

I was walking around the block bado bado boop with my dog right now I'm walking around the block and uh nice neighborhood street I'm coming down the street and here's this lady coming the other way and she's dressed in workout clothes face a little shiny like she's got some sweat on her face like she's been out there trying to burn some calories and I was walking and there was a tree branch that was in my way so I kind of had like kind of put my head in her lane a little bit and go around it and as I did that she leaned in and reached down towards my balls and said your left nut is hanging a little lower than your right and I swear to God and if my left my arms weren't swinging like my left arm hit her left arm reaching down like she was pointing I don't know what she

was doing I turned around I looked at first I thought I was wearing shorts and one of my balls was on my shorts I was like how fucking old am I I looked down I had on sweatpants and I looked back at it like what the fucking she just kept walking she didn't seem crazy I don't know if she was just out there fucking with white people I have no idea what was going on with her but uh it was bizarre it kind of made me laugh but I didn't like how she tried to touch me that fucking really annoyed me she fucking leaned in dude her head was like right next to my head and then I just realized how easily somebody could just fucking come in could just stab me while I was walking down the street on that not prepared she totally got in within the fucking the Bruce Lee perimeter right

dude that was Bruce Lee like his reaction I mean she would have been across the fucking street one inch punch she would have been like three quarters of an inch into a fucking tree I just stood right there whoa whoa wait what are you trying to say to me I don't know the fact that nothing happened I think it's kind of hilarious slash slash like a little unsettling and then like two days later I'm walking the same fucking route because you know God knows I don't learn a lesson and this other lady's coming and she just starts talking I don't know what the fuck she's saying I know your dog I was just walking by like nodding I feel like I was like in a time machine and I just gone into the future and it was like right before everybody realized that I wasn't from

that time which would scare everybody and then of course they'd have to kill me you know after they examined my brain while I was still alive I don't know what I've been trying to tell you guys is I've been having a rough time here on my walks lately speaking of which who the fuck tries to grab somebody's balls when they're walking by do you realize how fucking hilarious that is hey your left nut's hanging lower than your right I was just like what the fuck I actually watched another 10 feet and then immediately slammed my hand down in my pocket to be like did she just take my wallet because that would have been brilliant because she had me but mentally between my fucking ears and not even paying attention to anything on my body she

could have fucking taken it out shown it to me put it back in there and taken everything I had try that this week ladies you know I guarantee you 99% of guys are not gonna they're gonna have a same stupid store not 99% a lot of people doing that UFC shit you know what ladies don't do it don't do it um so anyways uh I've been going really hard as far as the working out and all that shit and uh all of a sudden my left knee was a little fucking tender and I was like oh no I fucked up my knee for life it was just feeling like that bone on bone shit like uh fuck here we go am I gonna be that guy who can't walk hobbles out to his car like a fucking former NFL running back and then I get fat but what do I do then I just eat one piece of lettuce every day so I don't

become a complete tub of shit and um it just so happens I was walking down the same street almost the exact same place where that lady said my one of my balls was hanging down a little lower than the other one um I swear to god I would say she was crazy but she was dressed in workout clothes color coordinated workout clothes um that's not crazy right I don't know so anyways right there this guy goes hey Bill Bill so I met this guy at this party and um he used to be fat and he lost all this weight you know he's in the process of it so you know I fucking love meeting people like that I'm asking him what he's doing I'm amping him up keep after it man you know saying all that shit and I just so happened to run into him he said hey I say how you doing with the workouts he

goes good he's asked me how you doing with yours and I was like I fucked up my knee man I don't I think I was skipping rope and I I on concrete I think I fucked it up and he goes that happened to me man he goes it might just be the muscles in your leg or a little tight and I sort of like putting pressure on it so I was like really so I went home and for like three days in a row I did this yoga thing that I got this audio clip this Brian Kest b-r-y-a-n-k-e-s-t he might be on iTunes it's a great it's like a 90 minute one of his class classes and I did it for like half hour 40 minutes every day my knee feels good as new so that's for that's for you old guys out there just in case you feel like you just tweaked it a little bit sometimes I just learned

that if you stretch a little bit sometimes it's actually something else pulling on it putting your knee out of whack so having said that all freckles who cannot be beat has just been crushing it dude I've been eating so well now like I don't even fucking think about chips cookies any salt sugar shit I was like I do not want to eat that stuff it's going to make me feel gross that's how much of a fucking twinkle toes I've been eating like and I weighed myself this morning after I walked the dog around the block and went on my hike 171.8 all right now I know a lot of that the second I had a glass of water I probably went back up to 173 but I got to get down 171 on Sunday and I'm right on fucking schedule right on schedule so uh I'm psyched man

I've never stuck with it for this fucking long actually no I've stuck with it till like a buck 68 and then I just go like you know what I'm getting a burger and a 12 pack you know why because I fucking earned it right and I go out there and that's literally like you stop smoking crack and then you just like well I've been good I can go hit the crack pipe and then I'm going to be fine and then what do I do I get that grease I get that salt I get that sugar back in me and then I start craving that shit and then I start going up again I feel myself getting bigger I don't want to step on the scale I go into fucking denial and then one day somebody fucking calls me a fat fuck on Twitter and I step on the scale and I'm like a buck 90 in the words of Mr. White

in reservoir dogs asshole right you almost shot me asshole um so anyways I'm so I'm hanging in there I'm hanging in there um you know I actually did I actually looked up because this is the time of year I start getting into baseball when it's starting it's starting to matter you know um and I actually looked up the American League East and I knew the Red Sox weren't doing well I thought we were in second to last place dude we are in dead last place and we have seven games behind Baltimore who's fucking in second to last place we're twelve and a half back from the Toronto Blue Jays who shouldn't even be in the fucking league baseball is the United States of America's game all right Toronto I'm fucking Canada you have no business being in the league

you know what I mean what do you got you got two fucking teams and you lost one of them what are you adding to the sport look at look at the United States of America look how look how we had the decency to flesh out your little game of hockey huh it wasn't for us how many teams would you have Montreal Ottawa Toronto Winnipeg Calgary Edmonton and Vancouver you have seven teams that's it and you know what you probably be happy as hell right how fucking psych would you guys be if the NHL was just those seven teams wouldn't that be fun just like your CFL have all these fucking guys who couldn't make it in the fucking NFL playing up there well I guess the NHL would be the NHL oh fuck you this thing just kicked me off the internet my internet is the shit in

one room in the house actually the living room dining room kitchen it's fucking great but the second I go into my office which is where my computer lives uh it shits the bed god damn it how about the Yankees though man huh the Yankees are in second place good for them they didn't go out and try and buy the league like we did you know the Yankees are like uh they're like the fucking older brother that now cleaned up and shit we're like the younger brother still fucking partying you know the older brother I don't do that shit anymore you know I go to bed at 10 o'clock get up early in the morning drink of water with some lemon in it I gotta respect the Yankees man they're not trying to fucking buy well god knows they still have a bunch of big

contracts but they didn't go out and buy a bunch of expensive panda bears or whatever the fuck we did what the hell was that third baseman thinking why would you leave San Francisco like how much money can they give you to walk away from winning a world series every other fucking year you know he was already making zillions of dollars I want to make a zillion one and then he goes over to the Red Sox and now look at you I mean I always do and I know he's having a rough start but now look you're fucking 12 and a half games out of first that isn't fun whatever fucking money you're making more in Boston wouldn't you have made even more if you want another fucking world series just doing commercials hey this is the panda fucking talking about San Francisco dry cleaning

come on down to Alcatraz and just do a bunch of shit you know come on down to the fucking wharf hey best gay club in the Chinese fucking district the Presidio you could do all this all the fucking San Francisco zone after shave lotion you could just do that the whole fucking winner and whatever extra money the Red Sox we're going to give you right you can make it up locally then head north you know go up to the wine country get your shit face with a couple of third base groupies I don't know what it is I just always like that position right instead you go out to Boston with all the humidity I will say at least they have water out there they have lakes and shit it lush land maybe you made a good move as far as the apocalypse go I agree with it but as far as a

baseball move I think it was really stupid oh do you Bill do you they're never played in the fucking pro league in your life all right here we go do a little advertising once again people coming up on the top of the hour another Thursday afternoon fucking teaser if you're just walking by your husband's computer and he's listening I'm gonna and I'm gonna have the audio from the last phone thing it's completely ridiculous to even fucking try to tease something on a podcast people listen to it from beginning to end don't they or they just fast forward to the part that they want all right zipper cruda business owners did you know that summer is a great time to hire the best people why is that with your competitors on vacation there's less competition for quality

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these people try zip recruiter and get your perfect candidate this summer before they go to somebody else today you can try zip recruiter for free go to zip recruiter.com slash burr that's zip recruiter.com slash burr zip recruiter.com slash burr um lastly but certainly not leastly if you would like to uh contribute to the uh to the Monday morning podcast Thursday afternoon podcast uh but you don't want to give me any fucking money next time you're going to amazon to buy something maybe getting yourself a fucking pair of slippers dude i got some sheepskin slippers oh my god um just swing by billburr.com click on the podcast page then click on the amazon link it'll just take you there doesn't cost you any extra money they

give me credit for fucking driving traffic there they break me off a little bit i take 10% of that and send it to st jude speaking of which i owe those fuckers some money um so anyways what was i gonna talk what the fuck was i gonna talk oh i know what i was gonna talk about you know every once in a while i always make fun of the yet that album nevermind from nirvana i don't even make fun of the album because it's a fucking killer album but i just make fun of how everybody pretends like they knew you know what i mean i knew the second i heard that album i realized that rock music as we knew it had now changed forever and that that fucking uh curt cobain documentary his mother his mother was going oh i was just like you

better get ready because this album is going to change your life everybody fucking sick give me a fuck everybody knew this is what kills me as much as they rub the balls of that album a year earlier jane's addiction put out that ritual ritual daily habitual however the fuck you say it call me crazy but that album absolutely fucking smokes nevermind am i out of my mind and i'm not trying to cause a war here between nirvana and fucking jane's addiction fans all you 40-something year olds like me with your fucking worn out affliction t-shirts i'm not trying to cause a war here but am i out of my fucking mind the fact that they put that album out when the shit that was was i mean that was that was really the height the height of like somewhere

once once kip winger's band came out and she's only 17 was a hit and he was wearing like that pastel fucking uh tank top maybe it wasn't pastel i don't know what i know he had a beard like me and he had much better hair so why am i shitting on him i'm just saying the shit that was out the fact that they put that thing out and then perry ferrell the his lyrics his phrasing this shit didn't even rhyme one of my brothers absolutely loved that song uh of course which i hated at first thought it sounded like a bunch of gypsy horseshit and then i really listened to the lyrics and i really just got into it and it was about your big brother holding your hands and making you

slap your own face and you equated it to how uh nature how one animal's got to eat the other animal while it's admiring the beauty of the way it runs away all this deep fucking is there anything on fucking a mosquito my lapido oh well whatever never mind i don't know it's like he took some seventh grade girl's diary and he fucking wrote it out oh i'm gonna get shit for this one um i just think that help i and also i'm obviously i'm a huge fucking nirvana fan all right i'm i'm just i'm just saying let's give credit what credit is do and the drumming steven perkins drumming on that fucking album i don't even know where to begin with the drum parts that that guy came up with they just they just it's a fucking work of art

from the beginning to the end my two favorite drum albums um of that period from about 87 to 1990 i love steven adler's playing on appetite for destruction just how you could pull out all the guitar all the bass all the vocals and all that and even like a basically somebody with very little musical background could listen to just the drum tracks and know what song he was playing to and that to me that's always such a killer um that to me that's always such a killer sign of an unbelievable drummer because you can basically play like the same rock music i mean you can play like four fucking beats and get through a whole goddamn album you know what i mean which is also another art but like the guitar player can't play the same fucking

chords i'm gonna play the same chords but he's got to switch it up as basic what i'm saying he's got to write a new song you know what i mean so this guy's like john bonham steven adler these guys they come up with specific drum parts to fit these songs i just think that it's on a whole of the level and if you listen to the drumming um like then she did that stuff on the ride symbol and then how then he gets his hi-hat coming in and like he comes off the ride i think with his right hand hits the snare while he opens the hi-hat hitting it with his left hand that shit i think he does that as he gets into like the the verse it's fucking incredible um and i think even his drumming right through porno for pyros when he got rid of all his

toms and he and he had like those bongos and shit though that band fucking blew me away and everybody thought they were weird and shit i fucking loved them do you remember when they did that uh the first time i saw them because i was so fucking like they made that album and then they immediately broke up and i was fucking devastated because i was just like these guys are the guys this is it what are they gonna do next and then they fucking break up and um then perry started that porno for pyros i remember correctly he got that name watching the la riots on tv everything burning burning down he was like this is porno for pyros this is like porno for pyros or whatever and then that was the name of the band and the first time i saw

them was on the larry sanders show where that was like a show within a show and they were the actual musical guests and um they came out and sang that song that had that killer fucking baseline perry was on the fucking harmonica and then uh you know steven perkins was playing this drum kit like i'd never seen before uh all i'm saying like book look they're both fucking great albums but i would uh i don't know i'd have to give the i guess nirvana is because it was more popular i guess and sold more did have more of a cultural effect but um i don't know dude that that fucking that ritual album is a is a fucking monster actually you know how sick that album is i actually learned how to meditate on the second half the second side of that album when i was

still living at home with my parents 25 fucking years ago i used to put on the second side of that album which started off with three days and then it went into uh then she did i think was the name of it and then of course and then classic girl and i would just start meditating and um i used to be so good at it to get that feeling when you feel like you're leaving your body and like like i would shut down everything and just concentrate on just paying attention to when i was i was breathing my my diet my stomach basically going up and down and you'd focus totally on that and i would be almost like looking down at it with my eyes shut and then once i got to one point then i would just sort of look up with my eyes closed or

straight ahead and then i would just feel like i was floating and um and it would always happen like right around this particular part in that song where right where he says true hunting's over i would start floating and uh it was fucking amazing i would just feel like i was floating and as that's the the apex of that song was building building was just whatever that Jesus all the way to the end and then then she did came in really mellow and then i just remember you i'd go all the way through classic girl and then in the end you think it's the end of the album and then there's like this little pause and then you hear perry ferrell saying in of course his weird phrasing he just goes like good night good night this really

weird fucking way and that would be it i would just fucking pass out i did it every fucking night and um and then i lost the ability to do it because as i was starting to float rather than just experiencing it i would start i was like oh good oh good it's happening it's happening and then i would get in my head and then i couldn't do it and then i'd get frustrated and uh i just fucking gave up on it but so if anybody has any suggestions on how to fucking get back into it because i tried it again i bought some jane's addiction um album some bootleg live album not bootleg i mean i bought him an amoeba but um i don't know there's just something about that second side like the the guitar effects that david navarro used and everything was uh just an

amazing fucking album and uh you know i don't think i could do that with a nirvana album and to have an album that you could actually fucking meditate to and it also fucking you know it still rocks too you know i don't know i just i think it's fucking killer i'm just going on and on forever here so any talking about an album from 25 fucking years ago so anyways um it's 33 minutes past the hour uh the phone store girl story i left you hanging oh what a freckled cut um i got uh i got all the audio and i'm gonna play it here and then we're gonna do some classic monday morning podcast stuff i hope you guys have a great rest of the week if you're trying to lose weight stick with it you know if you fuck up just get after it the next day you know that you're in

control and uh you know if you never listen to that ritual album i'm telling you just just fucking just put it on just block out a nice fucking hour of your life and just you know at night when you got nobody calling you shut off your phone and just put out turn off the fucking lights light a candle you know have a drink smoke some weed or something put that fucking album on dude i'm telling you telling you um all right or maybe i'll do it if you want to i don't fucking tell you what you want to you know who am i right you know i'm just guy doing a podcast all right here we go here's a phone phone store uh girl i can't even read phone store girl story that got cut off on the monday morning podcast you guys have a great weekend your cunts um all right phone store girl

all right billy boy last week my girlfriend lent her cell phone oh what to you last week my girl lent her cell phone because mine shit the bed you you missed a word in there lent me her cell phone okay i borrowed a phone on the way to get oh jesus oh god here we go i borrowed her phone on the way to get my new phone because i had some work calls to make as they left the house i thought it was strange because it felt like because i it felt like we would be breaking up soon i get to the place and a young cute chick is working there i end up getting paired with her over the other miserable looking losers working there wow i thought this was going to go another direction i thought you would say you went there

and then she got some fucked up text all right here we go at one point i had to hand her my girlfriend's phone because i had taken a picture of a number i needed to activate my new phone when the girl slid the picture slid the picture over by accident yep you guessed it a picture of my girlfriend topless the girl swiped back immediately and i just stood there i actually didn't even really react much just kind of took it all in she looked at me and goes good for you oh jesus this girl's a gamer that broke the ice this girl was very cool yeah you think we joked around before and after the and after this incident all right this is what you need to do break up with this other girl immediately because you already said you feel like you're

going to break up and you don't seem upset by it which means you don't like this girl you don't love her i should say or maybe you love her but not that way dump her and get with this girl all right and see where this fucking goes and hold back your heart though for a minute this girl might be a fucking killer too she might be a a stud on the other side of the fence and she's going to fucking break your heart so just uh see where it goes i'm already saying that before i get to the end of this anyways he goes i get in the car and i realize i haven't seen the picture of my girlfriend she never sent it to me perhaps she didn't like it or perhaps it was for someone else what the fuck just happened

wait a minute you guessed it a picture of my girlfriend topless the girl swiped back immediately and i just stood there took it all in she said good for you that broke the ice we kind of joked around before and after this incident i get in the car and i realized i haven't seen the picture of my girlfriend she never sent it to me oh because it was on her phone oh wait she sent it to somebody else dude this is like a great movie perhaps she didn't like it or perhaps it was for someone else i think it was the latter of course it was because it was a good picture if that is in question we can always refer to the phone store girl's reaction which was pretty positive also i sense this was happening anyways with this dude she knows but that's a whole other story dude get the fuck out of

that relationship and get with the phone girl she seems like a happy open free spirit uh as it would happen i have to go back to the store because the girl gave me the wrong charger this didn't seem odd at first until i thought about how the iphone section and the samsung section on different sides of the store she walked over to the wrong side and grabbed it i'm going back in a couple days i may i may just tell the phone girl the whole story how i realized that this was how my girlfriend was cheating on me or at least sending photos thank her for the contribution to helping me know the truth thoughts did i tell her the story in a very casual way i'm pretty sure i can pull it off why would you fucking bring up that shit you should break up with the other girl

and just fucking ask the phone girl out save yourself all of that bullshit and just cut to this chase that woman at the at the phone store was looking at it like good for you man like you're getting some ass that's how she said it she doesn't like it that's your girlfriend or whatever you know break up with your girlfriend and get with this girl the other one uh you know she's fucking cheating on you dude if i had to guess would you say oh yeah that's right i took a topless photo and i forgot to send it to you and delete it oh jesus yeah that's what i would do i mean look i don't know like what the vibe was when you talk to him maybe you feel you have to tell the story but my gut says don't do that break up with her and don't tell the fucking story to the phone

chick and have yourself a wonderful rest of the summer because that sounds like something what fucking guy wouldn't want to pull who wouldn't want to be with a woman like that good for you jesus christ what a fucking champ um anyways that's the podcast for this week um please get the word out about my msg show if you could master square garden for those of you who uh i don't know who walked into the room later uh sometimes i feel like this is radio then i'm like no it isn't radio they listen to the whole fucking thing bill um yeah because obviously i gotta sell a ton of tickets and um yeah i don't want to be standing on stage alone that night but uh once again seriously guys thank you for everybody all the years you guys have been coming out to my

shows and uh you know and the repeat customers which always makes me you know write new jokes on a regular basis which is fucking awesome so uh which gets me more fans and it all feeds into one thing one feeds into the other is that how i say it i don't think all right that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves i'll check it on you on thursday all right see you you that was one of those times where i was just like you know what there's not enough lightning in the world you know just as far as the odds of being struck by lightning we need to bring that average up because the amount of fucking morons out there versus actually intelligent people

you're gonna hit a fucking moron you know basically gonna hit a moron or you're gonna hit the ocean those are gonna be the top two in that order even though the fucking world is three quarters fucking water you still got a higher chance as lightning to fucking hit a moron that's that that's i'm telling you that's my god damn theory and that's what i want the new snap to be rather than being like you know the the odds of getting hit by lightning are higher than blah blah blah i want it to turn into i want so much lightning that that that the new stat is the odds of an intelligent person actually being hit by lightning our x y and z do you like how in my own little Stalin-esque world that i'm actually intelligent and everybody else is just a sea of morons uh

you don't have thoughts like that murderous thoughts i was actually uh talking to this broad up in uh san francisco and um i got this whole chunk about hitting women that i've been doing on stage and uh it's actually something embarrassing i have to admit about myself as much as i do the the comedy thing for a living i'm really bad at picking up on sarcasm i don't know why i use sarcasm i'm sarcastic right but for some reason when someone uses it against me i i just like that old guy downstairs remember i told you that shit last year when i was dragging my christmas tree down the stairs he stuck his head out the window and he just goes beautiful morning isn't it and he had this fucked up look on his face but he said beautiful morning isn't it

so i was confused and i just went yeah yeah it is a beautiful morning i'm thinking why is he yelling with that twisted up look on his face and then i walked around the corner i was like ow he didn't mean it he what he really meant was you're making a lot of fucking noise ruining this beautiful morning so he got me then i always end up feeling stupid so you know i'm doing this whole chunk on hitting the broads over there right and i'm standing afterwards whoring myself out right selling my dvd showing a little bit of leg doing what i gotta do and this fucking woman is walking out and her husband is sort of shuffling her out and she starts going uh oh yeah she she says once again the twisted up look on her face she goes thanks for the domestic violence jokes i really

appreciated it i really appreciated the domestic violence jokes thanks a lot for the domestic violence jokes that's what she was doing and because she was saying thanks it just it went totally past my head i was more just confused by her facial expression so she said yeah i really appreciated it thanks a lot i'm literally just waving going all right glad you enjoyed the show which is funny because it probably pissed her off more but i was sincerely thanking her completely missing her sarcasm what she was really saying was i've either dealt with that personally or that's happening to somebody right now or has happened to someone or i grew up with it or whatever and you brought up bad memories and you ruined my fucking evening that's what she

was really saying but of course i took it at face value which actually when i look back on it i think makes it even funnier because who's kidding who she already thinks i'm a fucking moron at that point you know so it would actually would have made her a little bit happier if i tried to appear intelligent if like actually uh you missed the point of that joke what i was really trying to do is expose the hypocrisy of some of the relationships between the male and female sexes if i went that route you know then she could have gotten this hope but the fact that i i literally was the moron that she thought i was and then that there was this whole line of people you know what i just realized i should be struck by lightning what the fuck is wrong with me i'm one of those fucking morons

right up in conversation you'll be the one all right question bill being a frequent flyer don't you uh think this controversy over the new body scanners is fucking bullshit uh a guy hit a bomb in his fucking underwear what exactly do these complaining bastards expect us to scale back on security we have become so pampered and used to the utmost comfort that we are doing the terrorist job for them who gives a fuck if someone is seeing your cock or your tits he or she is seeing hundreds a day uh you sir are a fucking moron all right if you go through airport security i don't know if you've noticed they're not exactly the fucking navy seals although they have gotten better in the last couple of years but they don't

you know they're always shooting the shit they're always fucking around they're not really paying attention it doesn't really look like it's a high paying fucking job all right let's go with that all right let's go with secondly a body scanner entire body scanner let's get over the fact that you don't want a naked picture of yourself which is your fucking right to not want that by the way all right secondly i don't know about you but i fly every other weekend and when i go on benders like this at the end of the year because i owe the banker cunts in the fucking government a bunch of money i go on like you know four or five weeks in a row i fly all right so i got to get a full bond body scan uh on the way out and the way back

you know i really have to start checking to see that i'm not going to be completely filled up with memory on this fucking olympus ls 10 they have the goddamn time right there i apologize let me get back to what the fuck i was talking about um yeah so so you're basically saying that i shouldn't complain that like six weeks in a fucking row and a total of 12 times i'm going to take radiation from head to fucking toe all right and don't even tell me oh it's only for a fucking second dude when you go to get your fucking you know teeth x-rayed they put that leather fucking that lead vest leather that lead vest over all your fucking organs and then they go they leave the fucking room and i'm supposed to stand there like i'm at a jz concert and i'm

getting frisked at the same time with my fucking leg spread and doing that jz thing over my head and they're gonna no fuck that this cancer in my family i'm not doing it i'm not doing it pat me down so that's what i did on the on the way out i was like yeah i'm not doing that thing and i said to pat me down so then you know they did it and they said and they came up to me and this guy said i have to pat you down uh are there any parts of your body that are uh that are that are sensitive and i wanted to be like well i'm think all of us have areas of our body that are sensitive just to creep them out that's basically like oh god grab my balls i don't give a fuck right i didn't know what he was gonna do right so he puts on his dish washing gloves and starts

patting me down and they don't grab your balls what they do is they go way up your inner thigh and he gives you your ball bag a little of a backhand on each side of the ball bag you know so and i got a minute it made me laugh a little bit yeah i don't give a fuck yeah go fuck yourself yeah you're not taking a fucking head to toe naked fucking picture of me as you you know i you're not you're not fucking radiating my entire body so i can get on a fucking puddle jumper to go to harford i'm not doing that go fuck yourself jesus christ lazy motherfuckers you know what people forget i just don't i don't get it you know what i mean this this way i understand that they're you know quote unquote trying to keep me safe but what i don't

understand is that people don't understand that during those times of fear and let's try to keep you safe the amount of fucking like privilege that you lose and you never fucking get it back and they always take a little more than they should that's why it's great that people bitch and it's great that you can bitch because if you bitch like this in china they probably put you to death and then harvest your fucking organs all right so yeah i think it's fine with the amount of fucking cancer that's out there and that people fucking talk on their cell phones all the goddamn time you don't want to end it you know you don't want to add to it with head to toe fucking zap a fucking radiation you know i'm standing there i don't have my

fucking shoes on i'm stripped down to a fucking t-shirt i got jeans on and i don't have anything on me you know and there's all this fucking flipping out about the fucking airplanes what about trains you could literally have a box that said i have dynamite on the side of it and you could the fucking conductor would help you carry it on there's no metal detectors there's no nothing despite the fact that 15 years ago that guy got on the long island railroad and shot that shot the whole fucking thing up so i don't like that i don't like that whole fucking i scan scan my retina shit no go fuck yourself i'm not doing that and um it's all right dude if you have no problem with it you know good luck with your testicular slash brain slash tongue slash throat slash big toe

cancer if you fly all the fucking time like a lot of people i'm not doing that shit i'm not fucking doing it that's uh yeah fuck that you know and you're acting like before this shit went down they haven't been keeping us safe you know they have been since 9 11 knock on wood nothing has fucking happened before those stupid body scanners nothing has fucking happened all right we're fine everything is fucking fine you don't need those goddamn things you know it's funny as if next week somebody actually does something the conspiracy theorists are going to say that the government did it because people were refusing those body scanners all right that's just my opinion man i seriously you know i'm not trying to get head to toe radiation i i get that they're trying to

fucking keep me safe but you know if they truly wanted to keep me fucking safe they wouldn't be shooting the shit and joking the amount of fucking times that they are when i'm going through all right and that happens a lot specifically it's the person who's looking at the tv screen is talking about whatever and is joking and laughing which you're gonna do because they have an unbelievably boring fucking job i would be doing the same goddamn thing but if they truly gave a fuck they would spend a lot more money on the people that they get to do the security rather than these new fangle fucking goddamn machines i'm not going through those pat me down give give my fucking uh my ball bag a couple of backhands with your dish washing gloves i don't give a fuck but

i'm not going to stand there spread eagle and end up with cancer or the taint all right but you know you guys want to do it go ahead and do it i don't give a fuck but i hope enough for you say no so it doesn't become mandatory all right oh hey bill i just finished watching last night saturday night live with paul mccartney i think it's time for paul to hang it up for good i feel like a bit of an asshole for thinking it because we're all supposed to be in awe of him because he's a bail uh they let him do four songs last night because everyone is in awe of him and that's the problem no one wants to tell

the 68 year old man with the dyed brown hair and saggy man boobs that he doesn't have the voice for a live performance anymore i fear getting old and being irrelevant too but i hope that when it's my time to retire i can accept that i'm not what i once was and move on to something else that better suits that stage of my life paul should look to someone like bono not that i'm a big bono fan but i think he's done it right by um imitating bob geldorf's example of rock and roll for philanthropy how about a pat him in the back for getting through that sentence without fucking it up uh you two won't draw stadium-sized crowds forever so bono set set himself up as a jet-setting friend of the world's poor even if he never gave another concert or sung another note

he'd still have a meaningful he'll still have meaningful work beyond his music uh it's like you were saying in previous podcasts it's good to have a side business in case show business doesn't work out best regards um yeah um i kind of see what you're saying a little bit but uh i know a lot of people saw paul mccartney last year on tour and said he was fucking unbelievable and then i also think that the Beatles right now are a victim of a backlash because of something that they didn't create i think apple not apple is uh whatever itunes that's right itunes i got real confused there because they had apple records and then macintosh has a fucking apple and that's all it takes to really just send me flying down the fucking sideline like that dreadlocked

son of a bitch who got tripped anyways um i think itunes has been trying to get the Beatles catalog obviously it's probably the first band you would want to start with as far as if you wanted to make money they finally got them and they are from the baby boom generation steve jobs and all those guys so this is you know this is their jesus so they present the band as their jesus and just eventually it's just inevitable that it's going to uh annoy the generations after and not to mention because we weren't born when they were putting out albums it's impossible for us to see how far ahead of their fucking time they were you know and that's something i also see in comedy where i've actually gotten emails from

people going what's the big deal with richard pryor you know 35 years of people ripping off his shit they've actually made you know some of his stuff you know like after 35 years people finally caught up with them you know so the Beatles was so fucking far ahead of everybody but now it's it's 40 almost 50 fucking years later yeah now you're gonna look back on it after everybody's ripped them off it's gonna be like dude what the fuck was the big deal all right so there's that and then the last thing is i'm sick of people throwing old people out in the fucking yard you know like they're your old ipod speakers ah there's a loose wire fuck him he's out the goddamn door i think it's bullshit all right i like

old people even that fucking asshole downstairs i like him i respect him and uh you what it is is you look at him and you see that dyed hair and you see their saggy man boobs right he wrinkled up tushies right so you equate that with their level of intelligence rather than this fucking guy has walked this planet for 65 75 85 fucking years and uh you know what's that expression as much as things change they stay the same stitch in time saves now whatever the fuck you never remember expressions whatever you know this guy is seeing everything that you're about ready to see he's already seen it okay he didn't have a fucking ipod who gives a fuck all right a cunt is still a cunt all right some things don't fucking change and this guy has this whole wealth

of knowledge now here's a guy who's been playing live gigs for 50 something fucking years all right he can still physically play why wouldn't you want to go see him you know with all his fucking experience you know yeah i mean i could see if he was jumping off the piano trying to do splits and touch his fucking toes and then he came down and blew out his knee and they had to give him fucking a geritol rub right on his blown out knee then yeah you know what i mean but like i don't like that whole fucking it's it's like a corporate mentality your skin's wrinkled up we have no you we don't like looking at you beat it i don't know i'd still go pay to see the rolling stones i would why wouldn't you want to fuck with those guys right those guys give me hope

that i can sit there and drag my ass out on a fucking stage 80 years old hey watch out with medicaid you know out on a cruise ship but i do understand what you're saying because i definitely want to um if i'm on stage in my 60s in 70s and 60s is fine because i'm still gonna be fucking annoyed and want to be out there but in my 70s if i'm still on fucking stage i want it to be because uh because i not because i need the money because i want to be out there all right i remember keith richards saying like someone's like when are you guys gonna hang it up he's like never i'm a musician this is what i do i will do this in front of two people or 200,000 it's what the fuck i do you want me to put down my guitar you know he has a great line in his book

where he talks about how much he loves guitar i don't know if i said this last week keith richards has his book called life it's the fucking shit and um he talks about how he loves guitar so much that to this day like he opens a guitar case and just the smell of a guitar he wants to crawl in there and close the lid all right so if you ask this guy to stop going out playing live you might as well put a bullet in his brain you're killing the man okay so haven't said that let paul mccartney do his fucking thing hasn't he been through enough i mean that guy truly found the love of his life all right she fucking dies then he's in a bad place like the fucking jets strength coach he goes out he marries some gold digging whore with one leg you know which was the classic

fucking misdirection because i bet in the back of his head he kept going you know i think she's a fucking go digger and then that other place like dude she only has one leg man stop being so mean right and then he just gave into that there you go me me