Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-20

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

Bill rambles about Wayne Previdi, visibility, and classic stereo stores.

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Because I can't go back to the funeral with all this fucking COVID shit and as I'm sitting there fighting back tears, trying to find a New England Patriot floral arrangement for my buddy, that I'm getting a fucking advertisement for solar panels on the side, like that's what I'm thinking about. You know, lost one of my great friends. But you know, I really could be a little more responsible the way I'm using the energy around my house. Fucking relentless. Relentless advertising. Yes, so the great Wayne Previty.

I met him on my third stand-up show ever. We were at this bar called Kellys in North Reading, Massachusetts. At that point it was my third. My first spot I did a, you know, a talent show. Find Boston's funniest college student at Nick's Comedy Stop. That was my first one. Then I did the open mic night. It did now defunct Stitch's Comedy Club.

And I did okay on both of those. And then I did Kellys. That was the first time I ever bombed. And I remember it was Jack Lynch. It was his room. And I was supposed to do like five minutes. And I got to like two and a half minutes of not making anybody laugh. And I literally said on the mic, I said, Jack, I'm bailing.

I'm bailing and all the comics went, ah, like they didn't want me to quit. I don't know what the fuck is in my throat right now. Is it the pollen? So anyway, he ended up going up that night. It was the first time I saw him. And I don't know what it was. I just became friends with him. And through all the fucking ups and downs of this business, you know,

living in the same cities, living on opposite coasts, I just never lost touch with the guy. We always fucking called each other and just talked sports and all of that. And, um, yeah, man, I cannot. I was one of the big, you know, as many friends as I lost, it was a huge shock. And, um, yeah, I'm just going to miss him. That's all I can say. I'll tell you a great, I'll tell you a couple of great Wayne Previty stories.

All right, this one is not my story. This is actually one that Mike Clark from Giggles told me. So anyways, Mike and Lenny were in San Diego. And they were doing a charity golf tournament and, uh, you know, knocking the old golf ball around or whatever. And then, you know, they look at the Patriots schedule and lo and behold, they're playing the San Diego charges at fucking Jack Murphy Stadium. So they go, well, they're playing tomorrow.

Why don't we just hang around? We'll go to the games. They say, yeah, I go, all right, cool. So, you know, the Clarks are fucking royalty in Boston. You know, they hit up pop craft, Robert Kraft. And he goes, yeah, fucking come on down. Watch it in my, uh, my owner's suite. So they go down to that fucking dump of a stadium that they never fucking repaired,

but the charger still shouldn't have left. I mean, how nice does it have the lines? The field's nice. What the fuck are you bitching about? Um, still don't understand that move. Still do not understand that move. But anyway, it's how sports franchises are. Unless you buy me a new stadium once every 30 years,

we're going to fucking leave. Although that was 50. Um, so anyway, so they go to the game and they're just sitting there. They're watching the game. And as always, the charges probably had a chance to beat us. And then for some reason took a dumb penalty or whatever dumb shit that they did. Uh, so they're watching the game and all of a sudden Mike notices, uh, Robert Kraft with a big smile on his face and kind of laughing.

He's like, what are you laughing at? He goes, look at that fuck. He goes, look at that. He didn't say, what a fucking guy. That's how I would say it. He goes, look at that guy over there. And they looked into the crowd and there was this like lone patriot fan going nuts with a bunch of, you know, charger fans around him.

He didn't give a shit. And Robert Kraft was laugh ago. Look at that guy. We, we need fans like this guy. This guy's not crazy, right? So Mike looks down and he sees and he goes, holy shit. I know that guy. And it was Wayne Previty and he had gone to the game.

I think with one or two of his other friends and he was, he was going so fucking nuts, chairing the Patriots that the owner of the Patriots spotted him in the crowd. So Mike ends up yelling down. He goes, wait, wait. He turns around. He's like, hey, Mike, how you doing? He goes, come on up.

Come on up. So he fucking goes up there and he meets Bob Kraft and he's just like a guy. She just same way I did. He just fucking loved the guy. He goes, you're such a great fan. We need more fans like you. And Wayne is always was totally humble and was just talking to Patriots and you know, and then within like five seconds or whatever a minute of talking to him, he,

Wayne is such a fan that he doesn't give a shit. I mean, he cares that he's meeting Robert Kraft, but he's right back into the game and continued to go nuts in the owner's suite. Like he was sitting in the crowd and I just know that Robert Kraft, I just seem like he had the same feelings about, you know, that same vibe that he put out and Wayne, of course, being Wayne, you know, didn't fucking try to get Robert Kraft's number, never hit him up for tickets, didn't try to pitch him a fucking Patriots reality show. You know, it's just how he was.

And I don't know. I actually drove around Hollywood looking at all the places that we hung out all the gyms. You know, I was a member of a couple of gyms with him. The only time I ever put up 225 in my life, which was a big thing for somebody who came of age in the 80s. You wanted to have the two fucking plates, the 245s on each side, right? And his thing is he wanted to put up, what is it, 315? Because he goes, when you had three plates, that's when the bar starts to bend a little bit. So, you know, now my shoulders paid for all of that.

But we used to have a great time down there. We used to go to the frolic room. There was a sports bar called Big Wangs. They used to be on Kowanga. It's now, I think, moved up to Noho. He was a staple there. The lab factory, just all of these places I just went around and visited. I drove by this bar.

I remember one night I mouthed off to this guy. I mean, this guy got into it. And one of those guys that looks like he's your size until he stands up and the fucking guy was like an oak tree and I was like, oh boy, swing once and cover. But Wayne, like a fucking pit bull jumped right up. Wayne was 6'3", got in between the two of us, back the guy down. And I never forgot that. I mean, that's a big thing.

If your buddy's, because I don't even know if Wayne would have beat this guy. But like, he was willing to take a fucking ass kicking for me. And yeah, I cannot, I cannot believe, I'm absolutely in like a state of shock. And all I can say is a little public service announcement here for all the guys. Listen, is go to the fucking doctor every year and get yourself checked out. All right. I have lost, I've lost almost well over 50 people. I'm also older, 52, but like I have lost three friends this year.

Two heart attacks and a stroke and all, you know, late 40s, early 50s. And out of all the comics that I've known, I've known like upwards of 40 comics that have died. Only one has been a woman and she died of cancer. And I'm not saying every other guy didn't, you know, died of something preventable. But it seems like half of them, if they went to the doctor would still be around and their loved ones would still have them. So, you know, I'm also talking to myself, I'm going to go get the old ticker checked out to make sure I'm all right because I even had a couple of friends that had my build.

And either, I don't know, just something genetic or in the family or whatever. But with modern medicine, they go in there, they see what the problem is. And, you know, nine times out of 10, they can fucking fix it. And your loved ones still have you. So there you go. Take the advice or don't take the advice. But I, you know, feeling this fucking pain this week, I felt like I had to say something. All right.

All right. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Wayne Pravity, AKA Vinny Age. All right. Let's try to spin out of that solar panel's death of a friend into NHL playoff hockey. How about those fucking Bruins? How about those Bruins?

They end up winning it over time. I actually, I missed every second of the game. I thought the fucking game came on at 11am Pacific time because it was such a weird time for the game because I, you know, Tampa Bay and Columbus had that five over time. Thriller, 85 saves for Corpus Sallow. I mean, just unbelievable. You stop 85 pucks and you still lose the game. Like the playoffs has just been crazy.

So I was taking my daughter out. We've been quarantining with this other family and our daughters hang out once a week. So I was over there. And then of course I start getting all these text messages. You know, did you, you're watching the game. This is fucking unbelievable. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, and I'm looking at my, my, my watching was just like, what are we talking about?

It's fucking 1030 in the morning. And then that's what I figured out that, you know, I don't know the game started early, but I did watch the, the Tampa Bay, Columbus game. And I've been keeping up on all of this stuff with my busy home life here. Some of the scores around the way. Sorry if this podcast sucks. I am a little distracted with all the bullshit that happened in my life for the last couple of days. Let's see where the hell am I?

Bruins play again today. Um, the fuck? Yeah. That, that, that, that, that, that, that. Where am I? Got all the way back to eight, six, eight, four. What is, what is what the fucking goddamn thing? It's going both ways on me here.

Eight, nine round. Okay. Round one. Here we are. All right. Bruins went four to three. He cruising along with Lou Cheech, three to two over the fucking Dallas staz. Uh, lightning beat the blue jackets in five over times.

Golden Knights beat the Blackhawks who've been hot, man. Lost the first game. Um, Bruins, obviously I just said, Oh, double over time Bruins, uh, Bergeron beat the Hurricanes. Caps lose to the Islanders. Avalanche three, nothing. And then the fly is the number one seed beat the hated habs. Thank you.

Philadelphia flyers. You still got, you still, is this, is this best three out of five by the way? I have no idea what's going on or is this the, this is the actual, you got to win four games. And the Canucks beat the defending Stanley cup champion, St. Louis blues. So, uh, I don't know what kind of team the blues have, but if they have the team like last year, uh, that's a great thing for Vancouver to win early. You got to beat the blues within five or six games because by game seven, they've beaten

you physically down to their fucking talent level, which was how it used to work back in the day. Um, hey, you, you got, you're better than us. All right. We're just going to beat the shit out of you. Um, anyway, so I'm going to watch the game today. I'm going to try to do the best I can. And then I have a little bit of a little fucking announcement here.

Uh, did you enjoy King of Staten Island? Did you see, did you try to watch King of Staten Island? You were like 20 bucks. Fuck this. Uh, you can actually, uh, own King of Staten Island on digital or Blu-ray on August 25th. All streaming platforms, whatever the fuck's going on has a bunch of bonus footage. Um, I know, you know, just from the, some of the stuff that I saw the other actors do in the firehouse, I can't imagine all the stuff that, all the great stuff that Judd

Apatow is going to have out there for you. It's on August 25th, a great movie during a difficult time in these, the new normal, whatever the hell you're supposed to say, it's a, it's a great comedy with a lot of hat starring the amazing Pete Davidson and the legendary Marissa Tomei, Steve Buscemi. I mean, it's got a lot of talent in there. And then a big red mustache comes in every once in a while. Um, so anyway, um, oh God, what a fucking brutal week, man. What a brutal week.

So I actually found a place that does a Patriots floral arrangement because I can't make it back for the funeral, which is really fucking bothering me. Um, so I don't know, I'm going to figure out how the fuck that works. It's weird. You can just order it online. They also have a phone number. I don't trust that I just write this shit. I send somebody a fucking message and then they just go ahead and do it.

I just, you know, the same way I fucking hate backup cameras. You know what's funny? I, I, I've gotten so used to the backup camera in my car when I drive my old truck, I start backing up and I'm not even looking. I mean, it's just for a split second. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? And then I look over my shoulder and what I love about my truck is I look over my shoulder and I can actually see.

You know, because I used to be able to back up a car, used to be fucking great at it. And with the video cameras, I suck. And when I look over my shoulder, um, I, you can't see anything out the back window because there's the backup camera, which totally affects the design now. So I just use the side, once I use the side mirrors, I fucking crush it again. Um, that's the only way I know how to get out of my driveway. I got to use the side mirrors. That's stupid.

It starts doing that because a leaf on a fern is near my car and I'm like, what the fuck am I going to hit? What? What am I going to hit? And it's literally, it's like a fucking a grasshopper jumped on the side of the fucking car. I feel like a cat or a toddler ran out behind me. Um, so anyway, uh, Dean Delray has always hooked me up with a fucking, uh, I've been

redoing my little podcast studio here and I got an old school fucking hi-fi that has like, uh, AMFM radio and all of that type of shit. I'm going to hook up my, uh, my turntable to it. I got these sick ass speakers. I'll have the names of all the shit that I have, um, you know, when we get it all hooked up tonight and the first song I'm playing, of course, you got to play back in black. Uh, I got to hear the way this sounds. And Dean was literally telling me, he's like, you're not even going to be able to

turn this thing up a quarter of the way. This whole fucking office is going to be vibrating. So I'm pretty excited about that. Uh, as far as like a nice old school, uh, thing to have, it was such a big deal when you were growing up, you know, if you bought a new stereo, AMFM stereo, dual cassette, you know, and then the big thing was, you know, if, if the, when you ejected the, uh, the CD, like how it came out, the ones that came out gently, like silk were fucking and that's when you, that's literally how you judge the stereo.

If it came out nice and slow, if it fucking spit the tape out like somebody gave it the Heimlich maneuver, you knew you had some piece of shit that you got at Radio Shack. We used to go to, um, the fuck was the name of the stereo store. These to be like, like having a stereo was such a big fucking deal that at the South Shore Plaza in brain free Massachusetts, right across from, uh, what was it? Hobby town or KB toy and hobby. I can't even remember right across the way was a fucking stereo.

Like this just, it was like, uh, where Don Cheetah worked in Boogie nights. It was just a, he went in and they had all of these giant fucking speakers and they had all these cool looking guys that were selling fucking stereos. Um, I mean, it was like considered like a really badass job. And that fucking mall back in the day was just all Ron Burgundy colors. The whole fucking mall was like brown. It had these, these plastic, this light plastic brown, um, like flooring. Like the tile and they had these, these round circles that were probably the size

of a silver dollar and it was brown. Everything was brown. There was a place pewter pot that somehow sold muffins that then became like a sit down restaurant and actually had like, uh, meals that you could eat a full meal. Then you get like a muffin for dessert and everything in there was like the tables weighed like 8,000 pounds. It made out of like fucking redwoods or some shit. And, um, I've been back to that mall a couple of times since they redid it.

Now it's like two floors. They went to completely the other way. It's like all fucking white and bright and all of this shit. Um, yeah, back in the day, it was one level. You went in and you go into the stereo store and they'd always tell you, you know, don't judge the speaker by the size of it, man. You got to judge it by the sound, man. Um, so I'm looking forward to having that shit, uh, all hooked up out here in

my lonely office so I can listen to some fucking music all by my lonesome. Um, other than that, I don't really have any fucking news for you. Just a devastating emotional week for me. And, uh, you know, I've been flying a couple of times a week doing the helicopter thing and I almost didn't fly on Tuesday and then my wife was like, nah, Wayne, what do you want you to go? You know, so I was like, all right. So I went out there and then I actually did really well.

Like we've been doing like all these auto rotations and shit. And, um, so I got those things back to where I, I, I was before I took this long layoff and now we started getting into like the advanced auto rotations, which is basically where you're right over your spot and you bleed off all your air speed, obviously keeping you while you're keeping your main rotor system, uh, main rotors, main rotor RPMs going. And then, uh, we were doing the shit where if you didn't have, uh, you know, once you bled it all the way back, how to then nose it over, um, get your speed

back and then go into the flare. I got everything down except for the flare. I always want to pull the collective up just out of muscle memory. Like I'm doing a fast stop, you know, and, uh, we've been doing that. And we actually started doing ones where you actually were, you auto wrote, started doing auto rotation. You actually go back, start like going backwards to get back over your spot and then nose it over and then come back down.

It was fucking wild, but I'm actually starting to be able to feel it. It's really exciting. Cause that's the number one fear is the, uh, an engine failure. And am I going to be able to know what to do? And, um, you'd be surprised. The amount of people that get their license and they just don't practice those things enough. I don't know why the fuck you would do that to yourself, but I do it all the

goddamn time and I just want, I want to be able to just like, you know, put that thing into a fucking parking space backwards right over the spot. And, um, you know, and then eventually, I don't know, if I ever start touring again, I'm trying to find a couple of people to go in on something that has a little more, uh, weight to it. I'd like a fully articulated three bladed, you know, basically an A star or something like that, an A star, essentially, but A stars are kind of weird though, cause when you auto, when you auto rotate those things, I heard, when

you do an auto rotation, when you hit the ground, you still have to slide a little bit, which is weird to me, you know, um, I actually know a guy that knows a guy that just had an engine failure in that, in one of those things. And he, and he put it on top of a fucking building right on the goddamn pad, total stud, just fucking landed the thing and then had to run out and go do a gig and just jumped in a car and then did the gig and he was halfway through the gig and then he got like six to his stomach and had to go to the bathroom and fucking puke cause he had an emotionally dealt with that he almost

died cause he had this gig. He had to go play it's fucking wild. Why do I do this shit? I don't know. I don't know. Um, I don't know. I don't know. My fucking brain's all over the place.

Let me, uh, I'm trying to hold it together here. Let me, uh, let me read a couple of the, uh, advertisements here. All right, everybody. Look who it is. Whoop. There it is. Whoop. W H double O P, uh, whiskey hotel, Oscar, Oscar papa whoop is a fitness wearable

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Uh, whoop has recently, I imagine you can use a lot of this information towards that, um, and give it to your doctor. Uh, whoop has recently partnered with, you know, I'm going to fucking I got to, I'm an old dad. I'm going to get one of these things. Has recently partnered with Strava. So you can now upload your activities automatically from whoop to Strava with recovery sleep and other metrics, whoop tracks, all four stages of sleep,

slow wave, REM, light and awake. Awake. That's part of sleep. The fuck is that? Is that sleeping with your eyes open? Uh, and can tell you. What does that mean? You sleep, walk it through life and can tell you how much sleep you've gotten

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Um, okay. Whoop is offering 15% off when you use the code burr at checkout. Go to whoop.com W H O O P dot com and enter the code burr B U R R to say 15% sleep better recover faster and train smarter with whoop today. All right. Oh, look who it is. Everybody. It's fun time.

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You pick six fighters. You stay under the salary cap. Anybody can pick, pick six favorites. Now you got to be a GM. Are you going to be top heavy like the Toronto Maple Leafs? You can score six goals, but fucking give up seven. How are you going to do it? Um, what the hell am I, uh, stay under the salary cap and pile up points for advances,

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Previty, he was the biggest Patriots fan I ever met. I don't think, I don't think he, in the 28 years that I knew that guy, he never missed a fucking game ever. He watched every single fucking game from the very beginning to the very end. Um, all the way up to pre bill Parcells drew blood. So, so I mean, he was there. What was it? McPherson or Rod Rust?

I forget who was coaching when Victor Kiam, you know, and we were just the doormats of the league. And, uh, you know, he just watched all of them and I was joking with the buddy. As you do when a buddy dies, I was joking with a friend of mine. I just said, you know what? I don't think that, I don't think that he could take seeing Tom Brady in a, in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniform, brokenhearted that he's gone. So, um, anyway, sorry to keep bringing up him, but the fuck are you going to do? That's what's on my mind.

Um, yeah. And with that, I think that's going to be it here. Everybody's sorry about the, uh, you know, the sort of frazzled podcast here today. Uh, what else? What else? I'm really chomping at the bit. I'm looking for some stage time. I got to, like, I have to find, uh, it seems like these shows have been safe.

The minimal amount of people there. And, uh, I know the comedy store has been doing some stuff. I know that, uh, down in San Diego, they've had a few shows. You know, so I'm going to try to figure out some place to get on stage because I'm going fucking nuts. I'm really going fucking nuts here. So anyway, that is the podcast, um, for this Thursday afternoon. Please listen to the music here that the great Andrew, Andrew Thamelis picks out and

then we'll have a bonus episode of a, uh, Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from, uh, I don't know, a couple of years back or whatever. And, uh, once again, man, once again, rest in peace, Wayne Poverty. And just really from the bottom of my heart, I could not have had a better friend. All right. You guys have a great weekend. I'll talk to you. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 13th, 2012. How the hell are you? How's it going? August 13th. Can you believe it? Only three more weeks of the summer, right? But thanks to global warming, you can still get a tan right through the second week of October. You know, enjoy it folks.

This is the golden age of global warming. You know, this is before polar bear swims up to your fucking apartment. You know, all those fires in the middle of the country. Who cares? Those are flyover states, right? That's just our food supply. Um, I always thought it was funny the way people make fun of those states, you know, because they don't have what a water slide and a giant fucking skyscraper.

All of a sudden they don't count. Yeah, all they're doing is fucking, you know, providing nourishment for everyone in the state. I'm sorry, everyone in the nation. All they're doing is growing enough food to feed the world, but we don't, right? And I think that's a good thing. I think a good thing that we don't feed the world. There's too many fucking people and that's why the polarized caps are melting. It has nothing to do with V8 engines.

Okay. There's too many goddamn people. So what I'm going to do eventually in 25 years, when I get famous enough is I'm going to put together my own collection of musicians and we're going to do, we aren't the world. All right. We aren't the world. You're not our responsibility. I'm sorry.

You don't have an apple tree. So go fuck yourself. There's too many people taking shits every day and it's fucking up the world for me and you. All right. We got more shit. That's how it worked out. All right. You get the idea.

You know, I wonder who that would actually return that fucking phone call. That fucking maniac from who's in that movie heat. I bet he would. The guy who's doing porn's now. Oh, yeah, God, I'm in that guy just once. I want to have an orgasm like that and be fucking going. Oh, Jesus, like he was somebody kicked you in the nuts. Anyways, you wouldn't believe this right now.

The way this is going in where I'm saying, don't save the world. Okay. Let them go. Let them go. That's how I would run for office. Excuse me. Non-Senator Burr, I was wondering what you thought about the problems in Croatia, Rwanda, Dand. Yeah, I don't really know.

I don't give a shit. I mean, I think it's terrible, but you know, you know, the more people die, the more fresh air for us. That's how we look at it. You know, as long as it isn't anybody with our flag on their shoulder. I think that that would be okay. That's appalling. That's a realistic outlook, lady. Okay.

You want to be on the ship that's sailing towards surviving? I suggest you change your attitude. Next question. You over there with the striped tie. No, the other guy with the striped tie. And the receding hair. Yes, you. I'm not answering that.

Go fuck yourselves. It's a figure of speech. Jesus Christ. I actually have a giant announcement. Giant. A big for me. Okay. I have a big announcement for me.

All right. I'm pregnant. I just found out and I'm really excited for myself. No, I, um, I have been telling you guys that I recorded a standup special in the wonderful district of Columbia back in March. And ever since then, you guys have been asking me, hey, Bill, when is that special coming out? Well, on this week's podcast, I will be announcing when my special comes out, but not right now for some stupid reason.

I'm going to wait until the end, just like one of those dumb shows on TV, you know, where all you need is one piece of fucking information. They just try to drag it out so they can get in eight minutes of advertising and somebody can have a yacht, right? Now I'm fucking with you. I'm going to do it right out of the gate. That's how I do it. Because I'm not playing the game, man.

Okay. My new special is entitled, You People Are All The Same, and it will premiere exclusively on Netflix. It's the only place you're going to be able to see it is Netflix. Why do you ask? Because I love those guys. They show my entire special. It's unedited.

It captures the exact level of ignorance that I wanted to put out there. I love those guys. So it's going to be premiering exclusively on Netflix this Thursday, August 16th at 6 a.m. Pacific time. So for all you grumpy people out there, that's 9 a.m. Pacific time. All right, it'll be available to all Netflix members in the United States, Canada, Ireland, and the United Kingdom. Well, isn't Ireland part of the UK?

Hey, Nia, isn't Ireland part of the UK? Or at least Northern Ireland is, right? I just lost everyone in fucking... Nia's making a face. We went over there. We learned this. We went on the double-decker bus tour, and they told us what the lady and the king owned.

Right? Remember that? It's the United Kingdom, as far as my understanding is England, Wales, Scotland, and in Northern Ireland. That's what it is. It's Northern Ireland. My apologies to everybody keeping it real in Southern Ireland, as opposed to all those sellouts in Northern Ireland

who were just fine with that bigger douche telling you what to do. Is that what you're telling me? How many beer glasses am I going to get thrown in my fucking head if I ever go back, if I go up to Belfast? Anyways, I'm just fucking with you guys over there. All right? Hang on a second. What'd you say?

I'm just going to say that I'm going to be back in the United States. Eastern. And I'm talking about the United States. Oh, 9 a.m. Eastern. Oh, did I say Pacific twice? I'm sorry. Well, either way, I was just talking about the United States with those times.

You know why? Because we aren't the world. So I'm really excited that it's also going to be in Canada, Ireland, and the UK, because I go to those places. And when I go to those places, only three people show up. So maybe this will be able to, as the dollar collapses, I'll be able to go to places where there's other currency. And I'll get to start this journey all over again, Nia.

Remember when you met me and I was still on a futon? That's actually true. It is true. Okay, so my new special, You People Are All The Same, is going to premiere exclusively on Netflix this Thursday, August 16th, 6 a.m. Pacific, 9 a.m. Eastern. And what's the difference? What's the difference between here and was it five hours to England?

You guys figure it out with your fucking metric system. You know, somebody actually summed up soccer for me, finally. How the hell did he describe it? Oh, we're saying why Americans don't like soccer. This guy said to me, he goes, we already have this game over here. We call it hockey, you know, except it's way faster. It's hitting, it's fighting, it's phenomenal. And it's funny that he said that, because whenever I watch soccer,

the stuff that appeals to me is that it is like hockey, with the off sides and that type of shit. But I don't get it why the defenseman just gets to stop, and then all of a sudden I'm off sides, you know? Keep running, you douche. You know what I'm trying to do, like that's your defense. You don't even have to knock me on my ass, you just stop. It's just a terrible game, you know, we have arms people.

Use them, would you watch a sport if all you used was your arms and you didn't use your legs and everyone was just standing there or maybe sitting on the ground, or maybe just in one of those kraftmatic beds, like just throwing balls to one another? Oh my God, did I just describe murder ball? No, I didn't, they roll around in their chairs. All right, this is the Monday morning podcast. For August 13th, I got one more day on my project here.

I'm doing here, I let the cat out of the bag knee and I told them that I was going to be, I'm working on the pilot for the reboot. Of that kid show, Zoom. Remember that show? Do you remember how that show used to go? I don't know, I don't remember. Did you try that song again? No.

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. Come on and Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. We're going to Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. That's, that's what was the song in the 70s. Come on, give it a try. We're going to show you just why we're going to teach you to fly high. It was a drug reference. That whole thing was take drugs.

Come on, give it a try. We're going to show you just why, why. I don't want to do LSD. Come on, give it a try. I don't know about, come on, we're going to show you why. Just take the shit. We're going to teach you to fly high. And everybody had the same striped shirts on.

We're doing a reboot of that without the drugs. All right. So anyways, I'm staying here in the North End of Boston. And I got to tell you something. The Italianos make the best fucking food out there. Bar none. Go fuck yourselves. I don't want to hear it.

If you're into Thai food or you like Scottish fucking, what does Scottish people eat, Nini? What the fuck? What is it? Haggis. Yeah. What was it? That's, that's like what?

That's like Shetland sheepdog balls with some bangers. In the mash there. By the way, when I talk about Great Britain, I should state that like Scotland is less than thrilled to be part of it. That was the vibe I got when I was over there. This is really just my ignorant travel channel show this time, isn't it? So anyways, we've been staying here in the North End and all I'm doing is eating Italian food.

I'm having a great time. But as of last night, I was finally fucking sick of it when I had some gnocchi, which is basically potatoes with wallpaper paste and a little bit of, what was it? Pesto that they put on there. You know, I had to have something fucking Irish. But I never used to come over to the North End. You leaving Nia?

Okay. Bye bye. Just like I said to that old lady in the wheelchair. Bye bye. Bye bye. What a sport. I actually woke her up and kicked her out of the hotel room so I could do this, you know? Hey, if you want to come back later, I have another microphone.

If you want to do the final fucking 10 minutes, I know people are dying to know what's going on in your life. I thought you were going to slam the door on me. That would have been great. A nod to Jim Norton. Anyway, so we've been hanging out here. I got fucking octopus coming out my fucking ease. No, I've eaten way too much Italian food.

Even though I love it, I'm done. Okay. I've had fucking tortellini. I've had fettuccine. I've had fucking spaghetti. I've had everything. I had a ragout that went right fucking through me. I wish, you know, it would be great if there was a website

that had a picture of a bunch of people's different faces when they ate something that that that moment when they realized it's going right through them and they realized that they're in a public place. It's going to get ugly and they're doing the math on how far away the nearest private toilet that they know is versus how bad that feeling is in your gut. Let's just say I wrapped it up pretty damn quick with the person I was with.

Anyways, and then they had some big festival down here. Some sort of religious thing where they had a picture of them. They had like Mary and everyone was putting dollars on her. I don't know what the hell that one is. I felt like I was in some sort of Scorsese movie. And then they were playing this Frank Sinatra music, which is just it's just the best music ever. It just makes you feel like you you're a fucking millionaire.

You know, they started playing the summer wind, you know, the summer wind. It came blowing in from across the sea, right? Of course, it sounded amazing. And then for some stupid fucking reason, they just right as I'm here in the beginning of that song, you know, that fucking little keyboard starts playing and then the little fucking hits with the horns. And you're already swaying as you're walking down the street. I'm walking towards it, right?

Just mesmerized. And all of a sudden this fucking attitude voice starts singing with it. And I realized they're doing Sinatra like karaoke. And it was some little girl going up there and she was so fucking flat and off. I couldn't get like it was like Frank singing like the summer wind came blowing in and she's on top of that with her fucking eight year old high pitch voice across the sea. I can't even do it. My voice is shot and I was like immediately turned in the other direction

and I was trying to get out away from it. But the way the North end is set up with all the streets diagonal and all the buildings close together, it was just echoing down all the streets. And I couldn't fucking get away with it. So I had to go up fucking causeway street, right past the bridge that goes over the fucking Charles town that you saw in the movie, The Town and I walked up to I walked up to the garden Boston garden and I looked at the Bobby or statue and I got to admit from the side, it looks like Bobby or

but when you look at the face, it looks like that bit I used to do where remember the old man face bit for my last special. Do you? Well, do you? That's what it looked like. I don't know what it is about those fucking statues. They can get everything to look like the guy except for the face. You know, the magic Johnson statue doesn't look like him.

The Bobby or statue doesn't look like him. The Michael Jordan statue just doesn't look like him, even with the tongue sticking out. It's I don't know what it is. They can't make the face. They can't get the face right. Really, Bill? Is this the level of fucking shit that you think is interesting to us?

Oh, go fuck yourselves. All right, let's do a little bit of let's get to a dilemma here. No, wait, wait, I got some other stuff to talk about first before I forget. Yeah, I took. We actually took a water taxi. You know, I wanted to surprise Nia. We're going on the water taxi and women are so fucking intuitive. One of the hardest things to ever do is to surprise a woman.

The second you start thinking, God, I hope she doesn't notice. God, I hope she doesn't fucking ask me X, Y, and Z. It's like they sense it. They're like fucking dogs. They just pick it up and they'd be like, what's wrong with what's going on? Nothing. Why are you yelling at me? What's going on?

Freaking I was going to fucking surprise you with this fucking boat ride. Well, you don't have to yell. They run real. Like, I don't understand why every interrogator on the first 48 isn't a fucking one. They're ability. That's it. That's one of those things that nature gave them because nature knew, right? Nature knew that fucking any nature.

He knew that, um, that guys could just beat the shit out of women and there were no laws in place. You know, back in the day, just whatever you wanted to do, you know, if she gave you a rough time, you just balled up your big fucking caveman fist, hairy knuckles and all, and you fucking cracked her right in the fucking nose and it bled all over her woolly mammoth two piece that she was wearing. And that was the end of the discussion. So, you know, they had to adapt. So fucking mother nature gave them this fucking, I swear to God, I can't get away with shit. It isn't possible to surprise Nia.

I just, I can't fucking, it drives me nuts. I don't understand why there's not more women in the World Series of Poker. All right, Bill, we get it. They can pick up what you're doing. That's what I'm saying. So I was sitting there trying. I fucking finally just stopped and I said, will you stop fucking up the surprise? And then she just laughed, you know, and then she just laughed.

You know, probably because it made her feel more secure. All right. Well, good. That's good to know that I can tell when he's fucking acted weird. So if he ever did try to be deceitful, I would be able to pick up on it. You know what I mean? Fucking maniacs. So anyway, so I take her on this water taxi, right?

I bring her over to one of these little fancy fucking Foo Foo stores where they, you know, they go walking in where they have the lady Gaga wear and the fucking who's, who's another one of the whores that they all think is just amazing fashion sense. Did you see the meat dress? Oh my God, not the meat dress. They obviously don't like that, but they like that fucking veil in the face shit. Don't they? Don't they all?

Isn't it fair to just lump them all into one category and then just say something ignorant? I think it is. I think that's totally fair. So anyways, we're riding over on the water taxi and it's fucking tremendous. You know, the guy driving, it's an ex fucking fishing boat captain. So he's loving life. You know, he's got this great job.

He doesn't have any crew that he has to deal with. He doesn't have to go out of the harbor. You know, he just gets to cruise around on this little boat. So he's in a great mood. You know, he's making me a laugh and he's breaking my balls. Where you taking her? Oh, make sure he gets you something expensive, blah, blah, blah and all that shit. We're having a great fucking time.

So as we're going over there, right? All I'm doing is, uh, and by the way, if I ever had a boat, that's all I would do. I would just go around the harbor. There's no way I would ever go out to sea. I am unbelievable. I'm terrified. Did you see that fucking video of that guy just sitting in the ocean and that hammerhead shark just circling around him before they fished him out?

You know what I don't get? I don't get why I can't just be in the ocean treading water. Like, why that just immediately makes sharks go, Oh, what the fuck is that? I'm not bleeding. I'm swimming just like a fish. Why are you so goddamn fucking interested in me? Why are you fucking 20 miles away going, Oh, I sense a pair of alabaster fucking legs in the water. I think I'm going to go over here and take a bite out of them.

See how they taste and then spin back around again. And then spin back around again. And if I like the way it tastes, I'm going to come back and kill it. I just don't understand that. I could see if you were dead, you know, and then, you know, they're like the garbage disposals of the ocean. They come by and they fucking eat you. But if I'm totally fine, what is their fucking problem?

There's plenty of fish in the sea, right? Why you got to come at me? What am I doing? I'm treading water. I know I don't belong here. It's just they're fucking annoying. Another thing and another thing. Oh, shit.

I'm on a fucking, I'm on a little fucking rant here, which I'm not, by the way. I hate how everything's defined as a fucking rant. You know, he had, he everything's a fucking, everything's awkward or it's a fucking rant. It isn't a rant is to me is absolutely your, you've completely lost your shit. You're screaming this fucking goddamn foam at the corner of your mouth. That's a fucking rant. Going on some little clever little fucking 45 second run. It's not a rant.

All right. You dumb cunts on the internet. Can we clear that up? And can we also clear up that the comic does not heckle the crowd? I know I brought this up, but it's becoming, people keep saying that. I loved when you heckled the crowd. No, I'm on stage. When you're giving the performance, you can't heckle the crowd.

Heckler, a heckler is someone who disrupts a performance. If you're the guy on stage, am I disrupting the crowd's performance? You're not given one. Sorry. Yeah, it's fucking shark week on the discovery channel. And I don't know if anybody who works in the discovery channel listens to this podcast. All right, but you guys are so fucking irresponsible over there. Okay, you do all this bullshit when you talk about sharks,

about how fucking horribly they're misunderstood. You know, and the beauty of the species and all this type of stuff, but you always sell it with that jaws vibe. You know what I mean? It's like, it's literally, it's like fish fucking racism. Like the way that they show sharks on the discovery channel is the way they showed black people in the news when I was growing up. They did everything, but played the jaws music back in the day.

And they're still doing it to sharks. All right. And I want to know, where are all the African Americans when it comes to this shit? You know, why don't, why don't you fucking reach out and have a little bit of fucking empathy? You can't see, you can't see the parallel, the fucking cross-pollinization, whatever the fuck you call it. I don't know what I'm saying.

All I'm saying is I fucking hate the way they do that, where they sit there. And they make the shark out to be like, it's beyond instinct, what it's doing. Like it's sitting there rubbing its fins together, thinking about fucking sinister stuff to do. Okay. It's hungry to get something to eat. You're a dumb fuck. You're in the ocean. All right.

I still don't get why if I'm just fucking treading water. Why do you have to come over and take a bite out of my leg? Leave me alone. I fucking hate it. I gotta tell you something. When I was, I was sitting there waiting for that water taxi, just looking into that fucking black water, you know, you can't see, you can't even see below the surface.

I said to me, I go, you couldn't pay me a million dollars to jump in that fucking water right now, right there and immediately jump, jump right back out. I wouldn't do it. And she goes, you know what, you're an asshole. She goes, I'm going to go fucking jump in it just to show you how ridiculous you're being. She goes, there's no shark in there. And I was like, you know what, or maybe there is. Did you see that fucking, those people fishing off their back porch, they cut that fish and all

of a sudden a shark came out of nowhere. They fight. I just, I fucking hate the ocean. So anyways, so we're on this fucking boat and we're going by all these goddamn, all these giant fucking yachts, like 50 million dollar boats parked out in the harbor. And I just really realized like that whole, like the level of wealth that is out there, a 50 million dollar boat, a boat, a hobby, something you just got sitting in the fucking harbor that maybe you're going to take out once or twice in the month was 50 million dollars.

Give me a fucking break. I mean, if I had, if I had a 50 million dollar boat, there's no fucking way I wouldn't be selling drugs. I would just do it because it would be so goddamn easy. I would just get a brick of fucking cocaine and I would just fucking put it on my boat and I would just drive up the goddamn coast. And I drop it off to somebody, I get some money and then I would make a payment on the boat. Now wait, I got to clean the money. Ah, Jesus, I get caught.

All right, strike that. I would be the guy driving. I wouldn't drive the boat because I'm afraid of the ocean. You know what fuck yachts? Okay, let's get a little fucking advertising here for the week. What do we got here? Where is it? What did I do with it?

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LegalZoom is not a law firm and self-help services are provided at your direction. There you go. All right. That was painless, wasn't it? You know, I actually have to get a will done and I have been putting that off because I'm superstitious when it comes to that. I feel like if I start to write a will, that means I'm saying to the universe like, all right, tapping out.

I've had enough, but I'm actually, I got inspired to do it this past week. One of my relatives passed away, unfortunately, and had to go to the funeral, but this person had it all worked out right down to their outro song. And I underrated picking the music for your funeral as morbid as that is. You've got to realize we're all going to go someday and this funeral was fucking awesome. It was a celebration of a life and there was way more laughing than crying. And I think a lot of that had to do with the music, the fucking outro music, wheeling out of the church when the saints go marching and it was this person's favorite song.

And it was, it was, it was the shit. And I really got inspired. I was sitting there going, what the hell would I, what? What's, it seems like, you know, old people's like their music is appropriate. It's such great music that it's appropriate for any situation. And I'm really trying to think like of the music that I listened to, you know, all that heavy metal and fucking Zeppelin and AC DC. I mean, I can't have any AC DC playing as I'm wheeled out.

Half of that's about the devil and going to hell. I don't want to put that out there. Didn't have those three things from ghosts come up. You remember that shit and drag me down. But I'm telling you underrated. So I want to know from you guys. All right. When you kick the bucket, tell me about how you're going to do your funeral.

How would you like it to be done and outro music and all that type of shit? What are you going to do? You're going to be going in the box. You're going to get cremated. This is fucked up. Huh? You got to make these decisions. You even need to make a will go to legal zoom.com.

Bam. There you go. In and out right there. All right. What else happened this week in the world of sports? Dwight Howard went to the Lakers and absolute shocker and absolute shocker that yet another guy who couldn't win a championship somewhere else is now going to go pile on with the Lakers.

It's ridiculous. It's they have literally become the New York Yankees of the NBA. Every fucking year they do this. And I want Kobe Bryant to start getting some shit for this. If you're going to give fucking LeBron James shit for pilot for leaving Cleveland and piling on piling on in Miami, then God damn it. Kobe has had people fucking coming to him for his entire goddamn career. 15 fucking years in a row.

And they got the nerve to sit there and compare this guy to Jordan. Look at the fucking teams this guy has been on and go back and look at those Chicago Bulls teams. And I want you to start telling me Dennis Rodman is the only fucking like free agent that I can really remember that they signed. All right. And he was there was one fucking guy. Kobe gets two, three guys every year. Oh, it's ridiculous.

It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm telling you as a crabby old man, these are not your father's championships. These are not championship teams. These there's no difference between these championship teams. And that rich kid whose first car is like a fucking goddamn Maserati because his dad is rich. All right. You know, it's so fucked up about these teams. And I include the 2008 Celtics in this.

That was a that was a bought and paid for championship. I know they put the work in. I know all of that, but it's not the fucking same. This is the funny thing about these pile on teams is I remember as a kid, when you'd be out outside at recess and they'd start picking teams. If they got too lopsided, kids would be, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute. That's not fair. They would people flip out and they'd break up the teams and you'd balance it out.

When I was from there, it was called smuck teams. I don't even know where that came from, but these are smuck teams. These teams are smuck, which meant it was bullshit. You had Shaq and Kobe and all these fucking guys on one team was going to be a goddamn bloodbath. All right. And even as like second and third graders, we understood how fucking pointless it was to then go out and play the game. If you had all the most talented people on one fucking team, right?

So we broke it up and we would have it evened out and we'd have a great game during fucking recess. Now, if we can understand that, why can't full grown adults understand that in these leagues and professional leagues? Why can't they understand that? All right. But if that's the way it is, I accept it. I accept these pile on championships, but I want them to be called that. All right.

The same way they had the dead ball and then the live ball era. These fucking Laker championships, Celtic championships, Miami championships. These are not the same as the ones in the 80s. Right through the fucking Chicago Bulls. I would even say the Spurs, you know, the David Robinson, Tim Duncan ones. Like I don't want to hear it. Don't fucking be talking about don't bring up Larry and magic and all these other guys. With the guys of today, it's different.

Okay. Cause just imagine back in the day, if bird magic just piled on and got on the same fucking team, like why is that enjoyable? I got to be honest with you, that first dream team, I didn't even watch it. I didn't want to watch fucking Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Akeem Elijah one, Charles Barkley, go play Rwanda. You know what I mean? What am I going to do next?

What? And then what? Watch me go play a game of wiffle ball with some fucking second graders. Like I don't understand where, what is the thrill in that? And if you're in one of those cities and you're getting all these guys and you're fucking psyched and you don't give a shit. That's cause you don't understand. You don't even understand sports.

And you're the same kind of person that I bet cannot be swayed in an argument. Even if somebody makes a good fucking point, cause all you want to do is be right. You just want to win like that fucks news kind of like debating style, where it's all good. If you agree with me and if you don't agree with me, I'm just going to yell at you and cut out your mic and that's going to be the fucking debate. It sucks. Okay. So now I'm down to two sports now, football and hockey, because you can't do that and

either one of those sports because they have a hard cap. And I know people say in baseball, they have a hard cap. Yeah. Well, they have a loophole that you can drive a $200 million team through called a luxury tax. You can just basically pay it off and you can go out and buy everybody on the fucking planet. So I don't know. I don't know. I got to find some different sports to take place of hoop and fucking baseball because I'm

done with both of those sports until they, they, they just fucking, you know, I don't know. It's just fucking stupid. You know what it is about those teams? Why I don't respect them because it takes more money than brain cells to put those fucking teams together. Back in the day, you needed brain cells. You had to like break down people.

You had to try to see stuff before other people saw it. Now you just go, Hey, we need a center. Who's the best guy available? What's he being offered? Offer him 10 million more next problem. I could fucking do that by the bottomless pit of cash. That's fucking, it's depressing. It's depressing.

So I don't know, but I still don't think the Lakers have the coach. I know God damn well, Kobe Bryant doesn't fucking respect them. You know, when you're doing great in the game and the coach goes to high five you and you completely ignore him, I would say that that's a complete lack of respect. What do you think? Huh? Am I crazy to think that? Am I crazy?

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Dilemmage. Okay. Hey, Bill, would you rather have as many gold medals as Michael Phelps or as many Super Bowl rings as Joe Montana? Well, do I get to be Joe Montana? Seeing that and that's that little dilemma. I don't know if I'm Joe Montana. If I'm going to have as many rings as Joe Montana, I want to be Joe Montana or Jerry Rice.

I want to be somebody that they remember. I don't want to be the fucking left tackle, you know, protecting the blind side or whatever the fuck's going on there. Right. I don't want to be that guy. I want to be somebody that somebody remembers running lot or be Michael Phelps. That's a good one because you know what sucks about being Michael Phelps is like, he's kind of done it 24.

You know, he's going to come back at 28 and not quite be as fast. Those sports where you just finished at 24, like tennis, I don't know, Michael Phelps. A football such a man's sport, but you can't walk when you're 40. Although I saw Joe Montana in a restaurant and he still looked great. Fuck that. I'd rather went Super Bowls. I'd rather went Super Bowls. There you go.

All right. Dearest Billiam, I am friends with a lot of people who have a lot of delusional hobbies. Throughout the last couple of years, I've had to attend their shitty bands. The shows for their shitty bands to make that a little more clearer or go to their plays. I've even been asked to donate money for the cost of making a CD and solicited to donate to a buddy short film so he could make it. Well, it sounds like you have a lot of motivated friends here. What are you, are you the hater?

Maybe he's right. Let's, let's read the rest of this before I judge him. I repeat a short film. Well, I made a short film with the Teen Idol sensation, Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly, who's on a new fucking TV show called The Bronx Crew or something like that on FX. Like no joke. He's like the lead in a goddamn TV show. Bobby!

Huh? You know how great it is to see that for him? I've watched that man for 20 years on standup, doing standup, doing plays and all that type of shit and he hung in there and he kept swinging. He put his fucking head down and bang. Look at that. It's fucking phenomenal. Anyways, all of this wouldn't be so bad.

Yeah, we made a short film. It got into the Tribeca Film Festival. You know, Joe DeRosa is now on his way to having a little burgeoning like directing career. All right, don't knock a short film. Sorry, you have no idea where this could go. Anyways, he goes, all of this wouldn't be so bad if all of their stupid hobbies didn't always end up costing me at least 40 bucks from donations to cover charges at the gig. They're playing, etc.

The most recent one is a friend's improv class showcase where I get to watch a bunch of amateurs put on a show with a two drink minimum and ticket costs. Exactly what I want to do with my free time. Now, my question is, can I just start a blanket policy of not going to any more of these and not donating without coming off like a complete dick? I want to make the improv show my last event, then never support the hobbies of my untalented friends that constantly piss my money away. To put it bluntly, my friends' events aren't exactly the same as you going to support Dane

Cook and the producers. He probably had the decency to comp your ticket and any help is greatly appreciated. Well, dude, what you have to understand is that Dane didn't start off doing starring in the producers at the Hollywood Bowl. We did open mics in shitty restaurants and we had to learn how to do stand-up. Look, if you're always having to go to these things, I understand that, but you know, you know, something, I wouldn't want you to come to my show if I was starting out. You just seem really like annoyed by the whole thing.

You're going to have a negative vibe and I just would feel like I would be on stage as I'm trying to learn how to do stand-up and I would look out at you and you would have like your eyebrows up like, you know, like, are you done yet? Really? You thought that was funny? You know, you wouldn't even be smiling. You'd just be staring at me like, was that the last one? Can I go now? Can I leave?

Sir, it sounds to me like you need a hobby. All right. You need more of a social life and then you wouldn't have time to go to all your friends. I don't know, plays and all this. I find it weird that you don't do any of this shit. You know, that you have people making short films. You know, people in bands and you know, people in improv classes. You're kind of spanning the performance rainbow there yet.

Do you perform? Do you want to perform? Why aren't you a performer if you hang out with all these performers? I don't understand what's going on with you, sir. Did you go to some high school for the gifted? And by the time you realized that you weren't gifted, it was too late. You just stayed there. So now you're going to school with all these future Fiona apples and all that type of shit.

You're going to watch them play an acoustic set at the corner of some subway franchise and you've had it. I don't know what it is, sir, but you know what? Be your own goddamn man. Just say, listen, I don't fucking want to go to any of your shit anymore. All right. I don't have the money or the time. I would rather see the completed call me when you make it. Give me a free ticket and then you can be the guy when they do the, uh, the early days.

You'll be that guy, you know, you'll be one of those documentaries where nobody from the band. That's always like a major red flag when they're doing a documentary on a person, like an actor or a band or an athlete. And that person, the person, the subject isn't in the documentary and neither are any of the person's immediate friends. And then they always go to a guy like this guy, like, yeah, I used to fucking, uh, I used to see him go on in front of fucking two people, but you'll end up being that guy. You know, well, this is the thing, sir.

If any of those people make it, you better not be that douche who said, I always believed in you because you don't believe in these people on any fucking level. So, uh, I would start, I would just fucking make sure you had other plans. That's the easiest way to go. If you want to be nice and not hurt their feelings, or you could just fucking come right out with it and just be like, listen, I've seen you improv before. I'm going to wait six months and let maybe you'll get much better at it and it'll be entertaining for me.

Okay. I'm going to go to a bar and go hit on a girl. That's how I want to improv. Cause I don't know what I'm going to say either. Okay. I'll throw out a subject. Me fucking that girl over there. Go fuck yourself.

I'm out. How about that? All right. Next one, Bill, should I have kids? How the fuck are you supposed to know if you should have kids or not? Neither my wife nor I have strong feelings either way. And we are getting to that age where it stops making sense. So we need to make a decision and live with it.

Um, yeah, if you're not feeling it, don't do it. There's plenty of fucking kids. There's plenty of kids to go out and adopt. You know, if you realize later that, oh, maybe I wanted a kid. Well, what age? What am I kid benefit? If I had one, probably about eight. Yeah.

Let me get an eight year old. Let me get, uh, let me get two eight year olds and a fucking seven and, uh, throw in the 11. There we go. Then you have a fucking big Brady bunch family. There's plenty of kids out there that need to be adopted. And, uh, there's too many fucking people on the planet and we're running out of natural resources. And, uh, my belief is that the population problem is going to be handled like a fucking term paper. You know, the same way we handled Y2K at the last fucking second.

And when you do shit at the last fucking second, it's going to be a rash fucking quick decisions, which means there's going to be, uh, some sort of final solution going on. I really believe that we are rapidly headed towards that. You know, if they don't, I mean, we have seven billion people on the planet and there's no politician going, Hey, you know, why don't you just fucking not have kids for a minute? Or if you're not really feeling it, or we'll give you some money not to have kids. It's fucking insane. I don't know.

We're running out of chicken and fucking soup. Uh, didn't make sense. All right. Cheating. Hey, Bill. Um, word on the street is you're the male version of Oprah. So hear me out. You know, that's actually insulting to Oprah.

All right. Um, I've got this lady I'm fooling around with now and then she has a boyfriend, but doesn't seem to mind hooking up with me when I ask her to. Yeah, that chicks a fucking nightmare, dude. And before we even go, you're not going to have a relationship with her. If she cheats on someone, she'll end up cheating on you. And every time you fuck her, you're risking one of these times that boyfriend's going to find out and he might show up with a tire iron and, uh, you know, remodel your face.

Anyways, when we met, she never wants to go further than second base saying that would be cheating. Um, last night I went to her house to pick her up for a party. Dude, there's not another woman out there that you could pick up for a party. What are you doing, dude? Do you want to be that guy? Do you want to be the guy who fucking plays with the tits of some fucking broad that has a boyfriend? Come on. Oh, there's nothing makes a guy weaker than, uh, fucking easy pussy, easy pussy.

He's brought down more goddamn men, the layup piece of ass, um, because we're lazy. Anyways, before we made it, and when I say we're lazy, I mean human beings in general. All right, ladies, before you fucking pat yourself on the back and make your tits shake. Um, uh, last night I went to her house to pick her up for a party, uh, before we made it in the, in the car, I had her up against my car, we were making out like world, the world war two ended. I then suggested, suggestively opened the door to the back seat, but instead of entering, she asked me if I loved her or if I just wanted sex. Yeah, dude, this girl's crazy.

I neither confirmed nor denied either of those questions. Yeah, that's stupid. That's a great lie. That's great. All right. This is just straight across the, this is a linear story. Begins with deceit, goes into deceit, and it's going to end with it. Um, I just went back to kissing her after she got drunk at the party.

Ah, Jesus. Nah, and you're sitting there like a fucking wolf waiting for her to get hammered. Uh, we talked again and she said she was willing to dump her boyfriend and have sex with me if I just told her that I love her and want to be with her. I actually don't, but I really want to bang this chick. I was thinking about just saying I love her and then dumping her after we banged, but I guess that would be kind of a dick move. Yeah, it would be, but I got it.

We got it. Everybody's got to take responsibility for their actions. This fucking woman is setting herself up for this shit. My moral compass has no needle, needle bill. Help me out. Greetings from Belgium. I hope you were able to read that fluently as you always do. Look at this guy fucking sarcastic in a second language.

Um, yeah. Listen, uh, you know, do you really want to be this guy? That's, that's, if you believe in karma, that's a really bad thing to do. All right. You being lazy. Okay. This girl's obviously damaged. There's something wrong with her.

And, um, if you do, you're gonna have to do it. Um, if you do what you're thinking of doing just so you can bang her, you're really going to devastate her. And is it worth devastating another human being just to get, just to fucking bang her? Here's one for you. This is classic. All right.

This is, uh, not my advice. This is standard advice. Okay. Here's the deal. Why don't you rub one out to her and afterwards immediately think, do I really think about what you're doing and the way you're going to be getting this girl and ask yourself if you really want to do it. All right.

And then act accordingly. And if you still want to do it, um, please don't ever get a job in a corporation because you will move up that ladder in 20 seconds. Oh my God. He's a sociopath. He has no feelings. He doesn't care about people. Let's give him a corner office.

Um, okay. Ex porn star or something. Ex porn is all it says. Dear Bill, I'm a 22 year old lady seeking some valuable male insight and perspective. I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and everything's been incredible. Well, congratulations. I have no feeling that this is going to go in a different direction. Anyways, we felt like soulmates and didn't like to be apart.

However, all of a sudden he became very distant towards me. I tried to ignore it, justifying it with some personal issue he was dealing with. Little did I know those personal issues also involved me and his ex. Feeling a horribly familiar sense. Feeling a horribly familiar sense. Infidelity deja vu. I think you skipped a word in there. I did something awful.

I could kick myself in the face for I looked through his laptop. I know it's a really despicable, despicably dick thing to do, but I needed some strand of truth, even if it would break my heart. I got to tell you something. If he was being a good guy and you did that, you know, that's a piece of shit thing to do. And the fact that he was giving you the I'm cheating on you vibe and you still felt like a piece of shit by going through his emails, you're a good person. You're being too hard on yourself.

What are you supposed to be? You know, that person of good fellas who's content to be a jerk. What am I supposed to say that my boyfriend cheats on me? See, I switched it up for you. Anyways, I read an email. He wrote to his ex-girlfriend expressing his lament about being with the wrong person. Well, there you go. It's over.

Game set and match. And went on about how amazing she was and how any other girl, me would only ever be second best. This prompted me to look through his photos and I found some recently open, but only nude pictures of her. This hit me really hard because unlike regular porn, nude pictures of exes hold something sentimental value. I don't appreciate or think it's is appropriate.

Well, that's about as lightly as you can put it. Yeah, you should definitely not appreciate that. He actually knows that woman and banged her. Uh, putting myself in this conundrum, I couldn't bring this sensitive topic up without admitting I invaded his private, invaded his privacy, although my hunch was right. I know I was wrong in looking through his personal shit, but is it wrong of him to still masturbate to naked pictures of his ex even after he reassured me he had deleted them? How would I go about talking to him about this or is this situation better left undiscussed

now that we are on better or closer terms? I appreciate any piece of advice or opinion greatly. So, uh, go fuck yourself. Question mark. Uh, you know, well, I can't even fucking answer this. What he gave you the vibe like he was fucking around on you and he is.

He is fucking around on you. And that whole thing about that your, your, your second best go fuck yourself. Fuck that break up with the guy. All right. You know what your biggest problem is sweetheart is you are a sweetheart. And this guy is at the very least a confused. Uh, he's a fucking dirtbag. He's not being honest with you.

Okay. Now this is the thing about if you're a sweetheart in life, male or female, uh, pieces of shit gravitate towards you. They need a sweetheart in their life to put up with their piece of shit behavior. So what you have to learn to do that if you are a sweetheart, be a big hearted person, you have to be guarded. All right. And you have to make somebody earn the fact that you're a sweetheart.

You just don't give it away. All right. Cause when you're just giving it away and you're fucking nice, Hey, how are you? I just met you. Will you help me move? Okay. That's the nice thing you're going to get.

You're going to get taken advantage of. So this guy's taken advantage of you. Fuck this guy. Break up with them. Okay. If he wasn't such a fucking shifty piece of shit, you wouldn't have to done that piece of shit thing. He basically gave you grounds for a warrant to go search through his shit.

All right. And you were right. Okay. Although you didn't get away with it. Although you didn't get a warrant. You kind of did it like the robe cop who now has to throw his badge on the desk, yet still go out and solve the fucking crime like all those 80 cop buddy movies. But you were right.

You deserve better. Fuck this guy. All right. You should break up with them, even though it's going to hurt. All right. So you know what? I think that that's going to be the podcast for this week, a little under an hour.

I know that's shorter than what you're used to, but I got to upload this and send it to my guy to give to you guys that you're now listening to. And by the way, I was on, did you guys check out Breaking Bad? I was on Breaking Bad last week, last night and everything. I didn't get a chance to watch it. But it's always weird watching yourself anyways. But I love that show. So I have to, I'm actually two episodes behind,

but I peaked at my Twitter and I got nothing but positive things. Thank God. Thank God. So I appreciate everybody saying that because you know, this acting stuff is new to me. All right. So all the compliments you gave me really makes up for the fact that you break my balls about my podcast every week.

So thank you to anybody who wrote something nice on Twitter that really made me feel good. And go fuck yourself to all the people who are now going to write mean shit, because it's funny, which it is, but I don't care. The honest reviews already came in. So have at it. Have a good time. Trash me. I don't give a fuck.

That's the podcast for this week. By the way, I'm going to be down Nantucket Wednesday night. I have a show Wednesday night down in Nantucket. There's still tickets left. It's going to be a great show where I basically perform to like fishermen in the fucking Illuminati. It's going to be a really interesting mix of people. And I'm really excited to go down there. Beautiful, beautiful island off the coast of Massachusetts.

And what else do I got? You guys want to hear some of my other upcoming dates before I bring this mercifully to an end? What have I got? Oh, Jesus. Bill, why don't you have things ready? Why don't you have things ready? I'm going to be at the Orlando improv beginning on September 7th. On then on the eighth and on the ninth.

I've never been there before. And I got Carolines on Broadway. New York City rescheduled that from the one that I moved in July. It's going to be September 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. And that's it. Other than what do we got here? Oh, Jesus. Hang in there for a second.

I got one other thing that I want to tell you about. And that would be... Oh, here it is. Here it is real quick, amazon.com people. If you want to support this podcast and the wounded warriors project, just go on to the podcast page on billbarred.com. Click on the banner ad, the Amazon banner ad, and then go to Amazon and buy something. You don't have to do anything else once you get to Amazon.

If you buy something, Amazon kicks me a little bit of money and I throw 10% to the wounded warrior project. And gameflight.com. Anyways, thanks for clicking the gameflight banners for your free two-disk, two-week free trial. Over 40 people did that last month, so thank you very much for that. And hopefully you enjoyed the service. You enjoyed your 8,000 games that you could try for two free weeks. If you want to be part of those people who are doing it, having a great time playing video games, instead of paying attention to their significant others, and you want a free two-week trial,

you can go to gameflight.com. or the banner ad on my podcast page for your free trial and enjoy all the video games you can play. That's it, you guys have a great week, go fuck yourselves, don't take any shit, and I'll talk to you next week. I don't know if you're sure, I'm running on. Oh, I was thinking that maybe I'll take a lot of times in the night. Just to see her come, friends, I was asking for the sake of my life. You Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus, where romance finds fantasy.

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