Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-19

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

Bill rambles about racing, museums, and Nia reads a review.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, how's it going in your little part of the world? Huh? Is it going all right? Oh, fucking, I'm still limping from the fucking new assholes I got torn on the last podcast. Jesus Christ, did I ever claim to be a smart guy that fucking couldn't give me shit about the autumnal equinox? I've been looking that shit up for like three days. I'm like, what exactly was he talking about? You know, I fuck. Is there anything worse than when somebody delivers new information in the tone that that person did fucking coming at me like you discovered it? You just read

about it. What the fuck? You know, I don't know. Anyway, I still don't get, I still don't get why I go on the internet. And since the summer's over, September 23rd, he's sitting there saying that's some medieval shit. I don't get it. And if he's so fucking right that summer started June 1st, and ends August 31st, I hope he was out there flapping his fucking wings. June 1st, screaming in the Netherlands, wherever the hell he's from, you guys are missing it. It's already started. Anyway, it's Thursday, August 15th. Oh, start spreading the news. I'm leaving today. I don't want to be a part of it anymore this summer. I want to fly back to a city where my stuff is and say, why did I buy all of this shit?

What's going on? I'm going back to LA today. I'm going back to Cali, take you out when it Hey, freckles. I don't think so. Well, fuck you. My flight was canceled, but I'm still going at some point. I don't give a fuck. I got to take a fuss. Shit, Dwayne Almond did it. He plays slide guitar better than I do. I'll take a fucking bus and I'll take a fucking train. I will change in Chicago. I won't even get a sleeper car ticket. I will sleep sitting up for fucking four days going through some of the methiest parts of this fucking country. I don't have a speech impediment. That's methiest. Yeah, going back to California today. Well, then I can live my whole cannot wait to get back to my shit. I want to get

back to my stuff, my stuff, and I'm going back and didn't booze the whole summer. My cigar smoking is off the fucking rails to the point I have to shut it down. I remember my mother told me something about a thousand times when I was a kid. Everything in moderation. I don't know how to do that. I think what I have to do is a bunch of bad things a little bit. A little bit of meth in my life, a little bit of cocaine. I don't fuck with any of that shit, but you know what I mean? I just don't know how to do it. So I'm not going to smoke a cigar until that weekend when I'm going to the fucking Clemson, Florida State. But it's cool because I'm going back to my house and I don't have any cigars in the house.

So that's the thing. It'll just take me just like four days and then I won't think about it anymore. And then at that point, I won't be drinking. I won't be smoking cigars. I'm barely watching porn. You know, one of those fucking TV shows, you binge watch, you devour the first three seasons and then they just start to lose you in the fourth season and it just fades away. That's what porn is like for me right now. And if I can just get that out of my life, start going to church on Sunday, you guys can start calling me old Billy Flanders there. That would be amazing. An amazing trajectory to this podcast where I was an angry fucking conspiracy theory lunatic when I started, you know, to go into a bald Jesus freak who

fucking lectures you on why you're not living a life the way you should. I will say, whoa, hey, Neney, looking good. Ow. You know, I would never do that to a woman I don't know, but I reserve the right to cat call my own wife. Hey, sweetie, what are you doing later? Come on, don't be like that. Help me smile. Put a fucking smile on your face. Hey, what did you come over here? Help me. Help me adjust my tool belt. Nia will be on here later reading one of the funnier. It's not an email. What would you call it? A fucking post. It was a review of some white lady that went to a plantation and it was not what she expected it to be. The results, the results may shock you. Here's something I did because I always

watch the MotoGP races, you know, they come on at like a ridiculous time in the morning and when they were on TV, I could record them and watch them the same day, but I have to wait till they repost them if I don't watch them live on their website. So I'm still waiting to see David Ciosso's win in the last race, wherever the hell it was. So I went there and I was like, you know what, I'm going to look at some of these other videos and they have all these fucking races, you know, from back in the day, you go all the way back to like the early nineties, if not the late eighties. And I have to tell you, man, I get it now when people fans of racing say you missed it. I just went back to 2002 because

I wanted to see a young Valentino Rossi when he was still riding with Honda just to hear how they were talking about him. If they already knew he was going to be one of the greats, you know, and it seemed like his career is right where Mark Mark has career is right now. And but just like the level of danger and even then they still had some sort of look like a fucking airbag, they still have a little hump thing on the on their back with their, their racing suit there, their racing leather. So I don't know how long, how far back the airbag technology goes, but this fucking guy wiped out high sided on his bike and they came out and they took him off on a stretcher. I was just like, wow, I know

my three years of watching this shit. I've never seen anybody go off on a fucking stretcher, which is a good thing. But just when I watch old formula one races, which is the best thing of going to the F one site and the Moto GP site is to start watching some of the old races. And I wish, you know, if you could go on to like the NFL NFL dot com and just watch a game. Like I always wanted to watch that game when Walter Peyton ran for 275 yards against the Minnesota Vikings in the late seventies and he set the record. I always wanted to see that game. I've never even seen NFL film highlights on it. I don't know, it's a great way for a fan who's new to the sport, be they young or an old fart like me, it's

a great way to learn your history and be able to put what you're seeing into some sort of perspective. So I watched this race. And what was really incredible was back then that on the same in the same race, they had four stroke and two stroke engines. And for those people who are mechanically inclined like myself, that's just means two strokes means it's just every two strokes at fire. So as the piston comes up, the the fuck when he called the spark plug fires, boom, drives it down, piston comes up and fires just like just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And where a four stroke, it's every four strokes. So it fires down up down fire down up down fire, same thing. So I guess the four strokes ran smoother and

were easier to handle. And the two strokes, it was weird, they had like more power. So they were lighter. Because there's a pass on the race that I watched this fucking guy about 11 minutes into the race. It was look like a pass you'd seen a motorcycle and a movie about motorcycle racing. There was two turns and he just fucking opened the throttle and went around went around the outside of one guy. And on the inside of Valentino Rossi. And then Rossi just sort of, you know, played with them for like the last like 10 laps. And every time they got on the straightaway, he would kind of come up on them just sort of almost like a boxer measuring them. You know, feeling them out or whatever. And then

he finally passed them with like four laps to go and then just took off. But I couldn't figure out how they were saying a four stroke had more had more power. And I think it was just the size of the engine because everything I read said the two stroke had more power, but it was harder to handle or whatever, but it was lighter. And I guess because it's firing more. It gave you more power. I don't know, I don't quite understand it. But I found that element being in the race, something that isn't there anymore. And for all you mechanics out there rolling your eyes, go fuck yourself. Okay, I listened to your jokes after my shows. Okay, you can deal with me talking about it. It was really, it was really fucking interesting.

So if anybody out there knows more about that and can explain it to me a little bit nicer than that fucking cocksucker who tried to explain the summer solstice to me in the winter solstice. And all that means is the point when the sun is the highest or the lowest in the sky. Fucking guy yelling at me like he figured it out like the church wanted to burn him. So anyway, my flight got delayed. So you probably wondering, well, Bill, you're in the greatest city in America according to according to New Yorkers. Where are you going to go? I'm actually I'm going to go to the Met, believe it or not. And no, I'm not going to go there, you know, to look at some art, you know, by fucking Gruyere, whatever the fucking guys names are,

I know that's a cheese. That always sounded like one of those fucking artists. Like back in the day when I was still in the dating world. And one moment say, let's go to the Met. There's a Gruyere exhibit. And I'd be like, I just, you know, I wish I could go back then just so I wouldn't waste all that time. Just be like, I don't want to go. Because I lack the intellect for this to be interesting to me. All of it looks the same. It's just framed shit. I don't give a fuck about any of it. I don't understand why it's worth millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars. I think the Mona Lisa, it is fucking, you know, is as average as the woman that they've that the dude painted. She's I mean, I would would you hit on Mona Lisa?

I wouldn't. I mean, he might as well have painted me into that fucking picture. Oh, there's a photo shop for you. I am going there. Because Dean del Rey, let me know they have some of the most famous rock instruments. You know, and the ever yes, at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Nia. Come here, speaking to the mic, if you're going to come over here. No, I was there not too long ago to go see the exhibit camp notes on fashion, which was the theme of this year's Met Gala. And I they had a NASA like a space exhibit. There's, do you know why they do that? Is because the art of files can't sustain that thing. Art of files. So then what they have to do is they got to bring the mouth breathers in. Yeah, we got any Van Halen's axe from fucking Mean Street. It just

doesn't seem like something that they would have at the Met. Are you sure it's at the Metropolitan Museum? I am positive it's at the Met. Dean del Rey told me about it. It's not at another museum. It's at the Metropolitan. They had they had fucking that Ralph Lauren's car collection there one time when they like our cars art. What they're really saying is all right, we need money here, people. Come on. Get in here, you fucking morons. All right. This is a 74 Toyota Corolla with all the options. Also, no one cares if you would fuck the Mona Lisa or not. Okay, nobody cares about what fucking turns you on in terms of the art world. You know what you're talking about. Would you hit on the Mona Lisa? Dude, if you fucking average, you are like the such a basic bitch

sometimes. Nobody cares whether you would bang the Mona Lisa. You're so ridiculous. Yeah, you're missing the point in it. But would they find it funny? Well, yeah, I guess. Was it that hard? Was it that? You just sounded like the head of a corporation who got caught dumping shit in the water supply. Do you think it was good to put that in the water? Yes. So they got a mouth breathing exhibit at the meth and I'm going. Oh, my God, that's a guitar from Leonard Skinner. That's the one. They got the sweet home Alabama guitar. They got the flute from fucking. What's that band led Zeppelin stairway to heaven? I never liked that call that stairway to my ass starts off slow. And by the time the guitars come in, I'm always asleep. It's why I like Skinner.

And I always thought Skinner was better than Zeppelin. This is what's these conversations are going to happen in the Metropolitan University Metropolitan. The fuck is it? Museum. Museum, everybody. Yeah, but that's what these museums have to do every once in a while to get mouth breathers like me to come in there and spend some money. Our four by fours art. They got big foot. Wait, I saw that thing crush three buses one time. I will tell you this, I did go to one museum. The guy who did the reservoir dogs to his ear. That guy Marvin Nash, whatever his fucking real name is, I went to his thing and he paints with the straight lines. I like that. That guy I liked. Fellow ginger had a temper. Hey, Mia, you think I got a bad temper? I never cut my ear off and sent

it to you. Do you fucking relax? Oh, Billy Flanders, Billy, no vice beware the man with no vice. Why do they say that? Beware of the man with no vice. Because what does that mean? He has one and you just don't know what it is. And someday the shoe is going to drop. Hey, maybe that autumnal equinox guy can fucking explain it to me. Hey, fuck it. Oh, that other guy who called me a bootlicker, because I said that students shouldn't go down Main Street and throw bricks through mom and pop stores. Bootlicker. What are you doing, rebel? Huh? Would you tie a bandana around your fucking head, sing a little Bruce Springsteen and all of a sudden the FBI needs to open a file on you? You fucking cunt. All right, what the hell was I just looking up there?

Beware of the man with no vice. What about the woman with no vice? Beware of the woman with no shoes. Without a shoe fetus. All right. For man has no vices, he's in great danger of making vices out of his virtues. And there's a spectacle. No, no, nurse one vice in your bosom. What fucking website is this? Thornton Wilder crushing it. If a man has no vices, he's in great danger of making vices out of his virtues. Like what, going to church and then fucking spewing about that? And there's a spectacle. People were so much smarter back in the day. At least they weren't eloquent the way they talked. Hey, Bill, don't drag us all down to your dumb level. All right, fair enough. All right, we've all seen them. We've all seen them. Men who were monsters of

philanthropy and women who were dragons of purity. No, no, nurse. No, no, nurse one vice in your bosom. I thought he was talking about some nurses titties. It's how dumb I am. No, no, nurse one vice in your bosom. Oh, I'm back on the cigars. Give it the attention it deserves. Oh, he says nurse and let your virtues spring up modestly around it. Thornton Wilder. You guys ever hear of him? What has this guy ever done? That's not the guy I wrote about the pond, is it? Who's that guy with the fucking pond everybody talks about? Thornton Wilder, the son of a bitch was alive when I was alive. 1897 to 1975. Was an American playwright and novelist. He won three Pulitzer Prizes for the novel The Bridge of San Louis Ray and the plays Our Town and the Skin of

Our Teeth in the US. You know what? I'm going to read this guy. I'm going to get one of his books. I'm going to look at it. I'm reading The Devil and Sonny Liston right now. Someone on the movie gave it to me. One of the sound guys. I never even got his name and he brought me a great book for my daughter too. I'm going to read that and then I'm going to read Silent Spring and then I'm going to read some Thornton Wilder while I smoke a cigar. No, I do have to lay off the cigars. I got to lay off them. Getting a little too fucking shut it down. What does Thornton Wilder have to say about shutting it down? I'm going to look up. Booze shutting it down. Taking breaks. Here's what happens to your body when you take a break

from alcohol. If you drink occasionally or more than occasionally, rolling your eyes, you've probably considered taking a break from alcohol at least once. Maybe your doctor suggested it. Jesus Christ, is that your liver? Abstaining for a health reason or maybe you just realized that your weekly happy hours were draining your bank account. People who take time out from booze usually swear that it makes them look and feel better. Should you do it? You know, some things could just really be fucking answered in a paragraph but for some reason people want to write a whole fucking article on it. So should you do it? Now right there it should become yes you should or no, it really doesn't

make a difference but instead they launch off into while drinking alcohol in moderate amounts defined by the dietary guidelines for Americans as having up to one drink a day for women and up to two day, two drinks a day for men. Jesus Christ, that's fucking awesome. Hey Nia, do you know you drinking moderately, you can have one drink a day and I can have two. I'm that much bigger than you Nia. I got a good four inches on you. That doesn't make any sense. I would have to be twice your size, wouldn't I? If you're five feet tall, I'd have to be 10 feet tall. I'll have another drink. All right, it's generally thought of to be okay for your health, having more than that on a regular basis isn't and it's easy to go above the moderate levels.

Alcohol certainly presents that quandary whether you feel like you're on a heavier side, you might end up taking a few calories, your immune system will improve, it could boost, oh I just got to read the headlines, it can boost your metabolism, your liver will be able to function more effectively, you'll sleep better. Just a warning, you might overdo it when you start again. I've lived that. And in the end, they got some woman doing yoga. See how they do that? This is like somebody trying to improve their life. Hey Nia, when are you going to get in here and read The White Lady? I'm going to read some advertising here, right? All right, Indochino. Talk about people who look great in a suit. I'll tell you right now, Brad Pitt

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And dollarsshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarsshaveclub.com slash burr. That's probably the people downstairs telling us to be quiet. Oh, here's a movie I'm going to go see. The Good Boys. All right. What if the guys who made some of the most outrageous R-rated comedies like Super Bad and Sausage Party decided to make an R-rated comedy starring 12-year-old boys? Well, they did. And it's the hilarious, I would have said pre-adolescent. 12-year-old pre-adolescent. You still got to say boys. Just saying 12-year-old boys now with that Epstein story out there. It's just weird. Well, they did. Oh, that's right. No, he was into girls. Well, they did. And it's the hilarious new movie called Good Boys. It follows three innocent sixth

graders as they skip school one day to do whatever it takes to learn how to kiss before their first middle school party. The thing is, they get themselves into a ton of inappropriate and R-rated situations along the way. Neha, get back here. Early audiences and critics have been raving about Good Boys saying that you'll laugh for 90 minutes straight. They're calling it delightfully inappropriate, wildly raunchy and undeniably sweet. That's all you got to do to get away with it. You got to put the hot in there. Don't forget to go see Good Boys in theaters August 16th. That would be tomorrow. All right. Let's help these guys have a nice big weekend. So, Holly would let some hang around for another one. That's how it works. All right.

Neha was, of course, right here, right where I needed her. And then the second I needed her, she just went away. Neha, come on. The timing was perfect. You're ruining it. My new favorite author, Thornton Niven Wilder. What's the matter? What's going on? Well, she could have texted you, too. All right. Read it, please. Oh, wait. Hold on. I have to find it. Sorry. You are dropping the ball today. Neha, you should see Neha, everybody. The lovely Neha is even lovelier than ever. Crushing it at the gym. Looking hotter than ever. Wow. Still won't make eye contact with me. No.

All right. Neha, I mean, you had at least 17 minutes. I know. I know. I know. I know. All right. You keep it going. All right. I'm going to tell you right now, the top five reasons why Neha is lucky that she married me. Oh boy. One, my looks. Two, no hair in the shower drain. Three. Jesus, this is a tough one. Top two, three reasons. I'll stop at three. Come on, Neha. Give me a third reason. What's that? I'm looking up the thing. Screeching halt, everybody. See, this is right here, you know, why they make documentaries about whether women are funny or not. Okay. Nothing. I thought that would get you going.

Oh, I didn't tell the story. So I was out smoking a cigar. There's a little park outside the 72nd Street Stop on the Upper West Side. And I was sitting there with a couple friends of mine. And all of a sudden this gay dude comes walking by dressed like fucking Eleanor Roosevelt, whoever Herbert Hoover married. He looked like a first lady from the 1930s is what I'm saying, with the fucking hat, the little hat with the fucking veil over his eyes. So we were sitting there smoking a cigars, right? And he just comes fucking and he had like a wheelie like luggage and we're sitting there and he just comes storming through the middle of us. And he goes, hey, genius, your dildo's on fire.

Just kept walking. And my first thought was like, wow, I really miss crazy people in New York. And I'm such a dummy considering I'm a comedian. I didn't get that he was making fun of my cigar, like saying that I had that big dildo in my mouth. And I don't know. I just wish I knew in the moment I would have been, oh, I love a woman with attitude. I would have said something. Oh, you look beautiful, sweetheart or something like, but that's one of those things. This is why, Nia, I still make fun of gay people in my act because they're like straight people. Well, most of them are assholes. That guy's like a fucking asshole. I was smoking outside. I'm in the park. He's a fucking homeless guy like two feet away from me. You know, I'm paying the price for my habit.

Not enough for this fucking 80 year old stewardess walking by, right? All of a sudden, hey, genius, your dildos on fire. Meow, ladies. Meow. Okay, I'm ready now. All right. So this is a review of a plantation. I don't know what plantation, but it went viral because someone posted about it on Twitter. But the review says it's a real plantation. It's not one of like Epcot Center, is it? This is a real plantation. What do you mean Epcot Center? They have the plantation exhibit to get the Southerners to still go to it because Epcot's getting a little old. Okay. Anyway, they gave this plantation two stars. My husband and I were extremely disappointed in this tour. We didn't come to hear a lecture on how white people treated slaves.

We came to get a history of Southern plantation and get a tour of the house and grounds. The tour guide was so radical about slave treatment. We felt we were being lectured and bashed about the slavery. My ancestors were from Sicily, never owned slaves, and my husband were German and none of his ever owned slaves. I am by far not a racist or against all Americans having equal rights, but this was my vacation. And now we are crossing all plantation tours off our list. It was just not what we expected. I'll go back to Louisiana and see some real plantations that are much more enjoyable to tour. White girl inflection by me. I love that. I took a tour of a plantation. This wasn't what I expected. I went to Auschwitz

and it just was not what I expected. I liked the minimalist vibe there. I thought it was going to be about the architecture. I didn't think it was good. I was never a Nazi. I never killed any Jews. That is one of the funniest fucking... I almost don't believe that it's true that somebody we went to take a tour of a plantation. What other plantations are you going to go to? Yeah, I don't know. It's a plantation lady. That's what happened. I was joking when she read this. I took a tour of NASA and it was just not what I expected. I came there to look at some rockets, not to hear about people burning up on reentry for the advancement of humanity. I just felt like I was getting a lecture like they're heroes and I was

somehow not brave. I'm going to go to a fun rocket ship place. Yeah, I don't know what this person expected. They're telling you about what happened on plantations. Nia, for $1,000, would you have lunch with her and she would just discuss her philosophies on politics and race relations for $1,000? Yeah, I mean, yeah, if I could, you know, sort of... You can't say anything. I just have to listen? You have to nod like, hmm, like what she's saying is amazing for $1,000. No, no. Nia, for $1,250. No. You get to pick the restaurant. My dignity is not for sale. Five grand. My integrity is not for sale. 6,600. No, it's not going to happen. Everybody has their price. No. The 10 grand untaxed. And a peck on the cheek from Oprah Winfrey saying, you keep it up, girl. Would you do it?

No. No. $11,700. A pair of Jimmy Chew's Oprah Winfrey peck, no taxes, and an all-expenses paid trip to the French Riviera, Monaco, for 10 days. No. Just listen to this dumb bitch fucking... She's not going to get smarter. You just have to listen to her for an hour. And like, nod an agreement? Oh, no. Like you're watching a fireworks show. That's all you have to do. No. $12,345.88. A trip to Calgary, Alberta to watch a home and home game against the flames of the Edmonton Oilers. You get to go to Edmonton for game two and see the Northern Lights. And all you have to do is not express an opinion. No. That's it. Nia, I'm calling bullshit. Okay, well, you can call bullshit, but no. The answer is no. First of all, I don't need your approval to call bullshit.

Okay, this conversation was not what I expected. This was not what I expected. Oh, God. Oh, well. All right. Well, that's 36 minutes right there. Just for us checking in on you. Nia, I gotta tell you, you crushed it. You did the near impossible. You went to New York City and somehow, you know, on, you know, it's not like we live here, right? So your vacation, there's all this great fucking pizza around here. Oh, man, I had some good pizza. One big swing and a miss we will not mention. No, we won't mention that. But how big a swing and a miss bigger than that woman's swing and a miss on the plantation tour? Was this the food equivalent? No, but it was for 14,000 final offer. No, that pizza was that was disappointing. But that's okay. It's okay. I went to that place.

So doing well. So that's, that's all that matters. Good for them. I went to scars. I love that place. That place that had the tang that had the zip. Everyone's talking about de fara. That's like, as that's the spot is de fara. I thought I thought L and B was a little bit better. But they're both fucking incredible. They're both, you know, they're equally amazing. That's sacrilegious. That's like, what do you like better, you know, Catholics or Protestants? I mean, we're all this shit. All right, listen to all you people from other religions. Okay, you're just going to have to take that one. All right. And I'm sure

this podcast was not what you expected. All right, we're going to be a little bit of music here. And then we're going to play a great since for my Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday, morning podcasts from Thursday earlier this year, six years ago, I don't know how choose is it, but that's it. Have a great weekend. You're constant. I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 15, 2011. Big news, big news again this week. In case you didn't listen last week, when I announced it on Open Anthony, this was the big goddamn secret for those of you out there who don't follow me on

Twitter or Facebook or anything like that. My big announcement was believe it or not on November 11, 2011, I am going to be performing at Carnegie Hall. I'm going to be doing standup comedy in Carnegie Hall, New York City, the real one, not that bullshit one out there in Pittsburgh. You know what I mean? Like when you say, I go to the University of North Carolina, Wilkesboro. I'm in one of the satellite campuses. No, I'm on the main one, bitches. All right. One where all the fancy people with their horns and their jazz musicianship and their speeches, I'm going to be there. Thanks to Andrew Carnegie for feeling guilty at the end of his life after he had put his foot on the throat of poor people.

He decided, well, let's give him a building to go down and enjoy music in. And you know what? I'm going to name that building after me. I am going to be performing there. And I know I'm joking around about it, but I am absolutely blown away. I can't believe it. And yeah, I don't know. It took me 20 years to get there. Just a little under 20 years, for you fantasy football stat douchebags out there. It was 19 years. It'll be 19 years. What's 12 and eight months? And in nine days, it took me to get there, to go from fucking doing standup in the basement of spaghetti freddies, right? Eat my goddamn balls one at a time, nice and slow downstairs, where they got all the extra pasta to get into Carnegie Hall. So there you go, youngsters,

young comedians out there beat that, beat 19 years, eight months, and fucking whatever, how many days? Nine days, nine days. All right. If you can beat that, you're a better comic than me unless you have a catchphrase. Then you can go fuck yourself because you cheated. You didn't cheat. All right, but you gave them what they wanted, didn't you? Oh, they liked when I said that. What if I say it again? And the morons in the crowd keep doing it. It keeps getting funnier. If you fucking do that, if you just stand on there and you throw the raw meat at those goddamn morons and let them eat it up just the exact fucking way they want, then no, you're standing in a different line. All right. There you go. I had a great fucking argument today talking about sports,

as always. And as I say that, I looked at my ring finger on my left hand. I sprained my finger yesterday playing catch, playing football. That's what I do at 43. I know what you guys do. You go down, you probably have your kids take them down to the iron ear doctor to make sure that they're going to be okay. Then you bring them home, you teach them math, you teach them right from wrong. I'm sure that that's what you're doing. You're probably 10 years younger than me and you're doing that. Me, I'm out on a golf course playing catch with a football, trying to learn how to throw with my left hand. I don't know why it's fun to me. So the fucking ball's coming in. And I caught a couple one handed. And as I'm going to stick my hand

out to catch it, something in my brain goes, don't do that. Don't do that. And then my ego said, hey, fuck you brain. I'm running this shit. All right. If I wanted any logical thought out of you, I would have asked a fucking question. Stand down, sir. So of course, I stick out my left hand and I didn't jam it. I got to be honest with you, if I had to choose between jamming and spraying, I'm taking the spraying all day long. Wow, look at that. It's purple all the way down to my So anyways, my finger, Jesus Christ, this thing is disgusting. It looks like, you know, when a body has been floating in a river. And it's that odd, like shade of like, pasty in some areas yet dark purple and others. That's what my finger looks like. It looks like a Kilbasa that's ready

to be taken off the grill. And I did everything. I taped it up. I put ice on it. I did the whole rice thing. Rest, inoculation, cunt, and elevation, whatever it stands for. I did the whole thing. And it still looks a little fucked up. You know, what's great about this is if I were to get married tomorrow, it couldn't happen. Would that nullify the wedding if you couldn't put the ring on this finger? Huh? And that stupid goddamn ceremony. And do you fucking take this fucking broad to be your fucking goddamn fucking wife for the rest of your goddamn fucking life unless you want to leave at which point she'll take half your shit? I do. Now invest it in me. No, no, now you got to take out the fucking gold shiny fucking thing that they say is rare, which probably fucking isn't,

but none of us are miners. So we don't know any better. If you could please take that fucking, I don't think it would fit if it doesn't fit. Wait a minute. Is this some Johnny Cochran shit? If the ring don't fit, you get to keep your shit, right? No, that was corny. Sorry. Fuck you. It's only six minutes in. I'll get to the funny. I'll get to the funny. So yeah, I fucked up my finger. Yeah, but trying to learn how to throw left handed, you know, and it's so awkward. It actually makes you laugh as you're doing it. I suggest tennis balls and you throw it at a lazy boy. Do you guys remember that? Not Johnny Bench batter up. What was that other one? We just got the little backstop. Do you remember that? And they had the netting and you throw it

and it would bounce right back to you and you could work on pitching and that type of thing. At least that's what they said, but was really basically for the kid with no friends, for the only child. I'm basically using my lazy boy for that. Wait a minute. You know what that reminds me of? Remember the baseball kid? They had this thing called the baseball kid. And the song was the baseball kid, the baseball kid. If baseball's what you want to do, the baseball kid will pitch to you, right? And it was this fucking cardboard cut out of what should have been your best friend and pitching the ball to you, but you didn't have one. So then they would just came up with this cardboard cut out of the friend that you don't have as cell phones, the worst invention ever

when you're in a relationship. Can they ever leave the house without calling you two minutes later? How are we doing on string beans? Do we have any string beans? Honey, I know you don't know. I just, could you just go out in the kitchen and look? Well, put it on pause. Why are you yelling? Right? Isn't that how it goes? That half of the conversation? Un-b-fucking-leavable. Stop calling. Remember when you first got a cell phone? It was exciting. Exciting and new. Pick it up. She's got nothing to say, but she'll still call you. Um, anyway, so they had this thing. They had this thing called the baseball kid. And that was, you know, and I remember came out when I was in junior high and even then

everybody was joking that that's for some, why wouldn't you just have your friend pitch? And the commercial was hilarious because they'd have the baseball kid on the pitcher's mound and then there'd be the kid up to bat and then there'd be a bunch of kids out in the outfield. It's fucking stupid. You got like eight kids there that makes the baseball kid obsolete, but they couldn't show some lonely kid sitting there with his arm around a cardboard cutout that has a face on one side. But on the other side, it's just, I imagine it's just cardboard. It's probably like, you know, when you, when you take a tour at Universal Studios and you're like, wow, this is an old Western town. And then they turn the corner and you just see that it's just

the facade. Is that what you call it? The front of the building and everything else is just a two by four behind it. Yeah. So that's basically what they had back then. It was basically for only children. Or maybe you were the fat kid and you got sick of people laughing at your, they're not really mantits when you're still a kid, but whatever. We'll go with mantits. Mom, I'm sick of everybody at school always making fun of me. I don't want to play with them anymore, but I still want to play. Well, I have an idea. What if we had a cardboard cutout as someone who could pitch to you? Is it going to be mean to me? No, Tubby, it's just going to throw you the ball. That sounds wonderful. The baseball kid, the baseball kid. You know what? I'm sure

on YouTube that they actually have the commercial. So I'll try and find that. If I don't remember it, please send it to themmpodcast.com and we'll get it up there for you. Or just search the baseball kid, but you don't want to do that. You want to go to themmpodcast.com, right? The official podcast page of the Monday morning podcast. And we'll have all the YouTube videos. I actually have one that somebody sent me on Twitter of this guy with a speech impediment, this fat guy bitching how they fucked up his video game. And he doesn't have a lisp. Lisp. I don't know why I just popped the P there. He doesn't have a lisp. Any vocal coaches out there can tell me what this is. It's that one when you don't have a lisp, but you go successful. Seriously. Stop it. I'm

serious. I'm trying to be successful. That shit where you sort of push the wind out on the side of your tongue. What's that one called? The lisp is my horrible, I do. That's Jesus Christ. What's going on here? That's a lisp. I know that, but what is a shesh pool? It's a fucking shesh pool. What is that one? I know vocal fry is when you don't push enough air through your vocal cords. And I've joked here on the podcast before, every girl who is a fucking writing major in college always talk like that. You know, Edith Wharton, the magnitude of her work, cannot be magnetized. Did I say that too many times? I need to take another writing course. They speak like that. So anyways, let's plow ahead here with the podcast. Oh, I have another special announcement. This has been

sort of like special August, hasn't it? I have another special announcement here. Introducing. A lot of people out there have been like going, Hey, Bill, you know, you do the Monday morning podcast. I like it. I like that you give me a free hour of comedy every week whilst whoring out whatever product it is you have to sell your cunt. I appreciate it. You know, it would be better than that. What if you did another hour? What if you did another hour of free entertainment and put it out on like a Thursday? And you know what I thought? I thought, go fuck yourself, you greedy prick. I'm only doing one. All right, but because enough of you requested that I start doing two, tell you what, every once in a while I'll do an extra one, but you got to pay for it.

All right. Oh, fuck you, you whiny pieces of shit. Hear me out. Hear my sales pitch before you turn the channel. All right. Jesus Christ, you guys. Is there any fucking loyalty? I'm introducing, uh, I was trying to think what it was, what it, what I should call it. And it's basically going to be me interviewing random people in my life. They're going to be 99 cents. They're called, it's the Monday morning podcast select. What inspired this name? I'll tell you, you ever drink some shitty American beer, right? It's not shitty, but you grew up with it and reminds you, your dad, right? You drink like Budweiser or, uh, whatever, whatever. The other one's light beer from Miller. You drink that shit.

And what did they do with all these micro breweries coming up? For some reason, all these blue collar beers had to have their fancy little fucking, you know, something select is basically why I'm calling it the Monday morning podcast select because they would always have like, uh, you know, Budweiser select or, uh, Miller select and it was supposed to be like, okay, we really tried to make it taste good on this one, right? So that's what I'm calling it. It's the Monday morning podcast select and, uh, this first one is going to be out on Thursday. Okay. It's 99 cents and anybody wants to whine about it. Go fuck yourself. You already got a free hour of entertainment here and you don't have to pay this. You don't have to pay for this one. No one's twisting your arm. All right.

You just wait for another free one every Monday. But if you want to a week, I'm not doing this every week, people, but when I find somebody that's interesting enough, because I think there's enough podcasts out there, comedians interviewing other comedians. So I would like to try to do something a little bit different. So this Thursday, if you're a sports fan, I interviewed Ephraim Salam. He's a white guy who's, uh, majored in accounting. If anybody out there knows a white guy named Ephraim, please send me the picture of him. I want to see it. All right. Um, with his Babe Ruth nose. All right. Plowing ahead here. A few people got that. All right. I interviewed Ephraim Salam. He played right tackle in the NFL. I

shouldn't even say played because he's officially, uh, he's not retired yet officially. Um, he played with the Houston Texans last year. He played for 14 seasons, I believe in the NFL. And I basically asked this guy every goddamn question I could think of that I ever wanted to ask a football player. You know, what's the dirtiest thing you ever did to somebody? What's the dirtiest thing that was ever done to you? What do people say? You ever get mad at the level of pussy quarterbacks? Get the real shit. All right. You want that phony shit? You want to watch your, your, your former heroes on ESPN on that, that fake football field getting down to do a three point stance. You want to watch that shit as they, they, they explain the cover to, or do you want to hear about steroids?

You want to hear about gold digging whores? You want to hear the questions? You want to hear the answers to the questions that you fucking have? You know, it's, you know, it's killing me. You know, the one I forgot to ask him is what the fuck wants the deal with the prevent defense? I forgot to ask that one, but I asked as many as I could possibly ask. And then in the end, we talk about that movie planet of the apes. It's 99 cents. Uh, you know, it's another great way to contribute to the podcast. It's a way for me to give you something extra. And it's, as always, I always give you the option, right? I give you the fucking option. You don't have to. It's like the collection basket at church. I just pass it around. If you

put money in, I give you a little wink and I say a prayer for you. And if not, I stare at you. And I, I wish that you go to health just like a priest, right? Isn't that what they do? Speaking of which, I saw planet of the apes this week and a spoiler alert. All right. I'm going to talk about this movie now because at this point, if you haven't seen it, you still might, I'm not going to tell you what happens, but I am going to tell you. I was, I thought it was awesome and I was disappointed all at the same time. And it's, it's what I said from day fucking one. I knew the movie was going to be great, but I was upset that it was PG 13. So you know something? I'm not even going to talk about the movie. I can tell you this. I am done with PG 13.

PG 13, it's like decide who you want to make this movie for. Okay. Is it for the kids? Or is it for me? Make up your fucking mind. Stop being such a pussy and just sitting there on the fence and literally come for everybody. It isn't. It's too fucking scary for kids. And it, and it, and it's not quite violent enough for me. Oh, who's getting who? It's not even close to violent enough for me. Um, I'm done with it. PG 13 is the movie version of when a fucking receiver goes over the middle and he could reach out and catch the ball, but he's worried about the fucking cornerback. So he pulls it in and the fucking ball skids down off the turf. That is, that is the movie fucking, the movie version of that play in NFL football is, is PG 13. Fuck PG 13. Fuck it

in its, in its, in its movie ass. I am done with it. I'm done. Okay. Apes taking over the world should either be the cutest fucking movie ever, or I should be having nightmares. Don't fucking driving right down the center of the road. Don't want to commit. It went all Al Gore on me. Still an awesome movie. Still recommend it. You're still going to enjoy it, but I wanted someone to get their face ripped off there. I said it. Okay. And it's not like that is, is an obscure thought. We all saw that woman. She got a fucking face ripped off by a goddamn chimpanzee and there is this lingering thought about chimpanzees that they're nice, that they are incapable of unbelievable levels of fucking violence because they've been

stereotyped in the studio system out here in Hollywood from day fucking one. They had Tarzan, right? King of the jungle. King of the jungle, right? This fucking white dude with no sunblocks swinging from fucking vine to vine. Like that was believable. I thought that that was the most unbelievable and the fact that he could also have a white chick girlfriend in the middle of fucking Africa. How the fuck did that happen? You know? Tra-la-la. She's just walking around. I don't remember the backstory. Let me just finish this thought. All right. I thought that that was the most unbelievable part of it. Okay. No bug spray. No sunblock. No fucking shoes. And there's always another vine to swing to. You know, I get Spider-Man. He shoots him out of his

wrist. This fucking guy's just conveniently hanging all over the place. Anyways, let me plow ahead. What the fuck am I trying to say here? But evidently, the most unbelievable thing about that was that little fucking monkey cheetah. First of all, they didn't have it on a goddamn leash. They didn't have it in a cage and it's in a jungle. Why isn't hanging out with you guys? Eventually, it's just going to take off. But if you don't let it take off, it's going to rip your face off. If you guys watch these things on the Discovery Channel about these chimpanzees going to eat other monkeys and the way they got a whole ambush, they flush them out and they got other monkeys down the street and the other fucking trees. And then when they catch these monkeys,

they eat them alive. They could kill them. They could twist their little fucking heads and they don't. They just stand on them as they pull them apart as a little monkey is screaming its fucking brains out. Then after they do it, they get all excited. Fucking talking shit. Yo, you see what the fuck I did? Fuck you. That was my move. That's what they're doing. They're assholes. Stop making them fucking cute. Oh, I swear to God, if I ran a fucking studio and I made Planet of the Apes, it would have been fucking NC 17. All right. Oh, that movie. What that movie could have been. It's still fucking great. Definitely go see it. But I'm telling you what that movie could have been.

If they weren't trying to fucking market the damn thing and get the, you know, did you like the movie Cars? Well, maybe you'll like Apes taking over the world too. Jesus Christ. You know, it's just like sports. That's why there's so many goddamn mascots out there. It used to be for drunks. It used to be for people who weren't happy in their fucking marriages. Sports fans. That's who it used to be for. Now they got all these fucking goddamn mascots out there and they're trying to make it a good time for the kids. Going to a live sporting event is not a good time for kids. All right. It's like a daytime strip club. That's what you take them to minus the horse. But the same fucking drunks who were in a titty bar the night before are sitting next

to your kids doing what it is that they do. And now they have to tone down their shit because they got a big furry fucking mascot walking around. I'll tell you, I've had it with these goddamn kids. All right. They're like the new fucking women. You know, women had to come into every place that a guy was at and put up curtains and fucking ruin it. Right. What about us? Where? We want to join your men's club. They want to join the country club. They had to fucking be able to vote. You know. Jesus Christ. I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's fucking hard as hell in this goddamn room. Whatever. Let's plow ahead here. So fuck PG 13. I'm not doing that anymore. It's either rated our rated NC 17 or I want to go see Toy Story. All right.

All right. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see any PG 13. That's like you fucking shot a three pointer and you hit the back of the rim and you want credit. It almost went in. Sorry. I'm so I just like carnage. What else? What else did I want to talk about here? Do do dudes, main finger went to that. Oh, I weighed myself this morning people and I am down to 172 pounds. I was up to 188 189 and it was all booze cakes and pizza. And all I've done is I've cut out the booze in my life and I've been able to gradually over the last 10 months drop 17 fucking pounds of bloated facial weight and mandatory. It's phenomenal.

And I just go on hikes with my dog. I do pull ups and I do push ups and I've actually figured something else out that I learned through the P90X system. P90X got something called muscle confusion, right? Which is basically, you know, you have your workout and after two weeks of doing it, your body starts to get used to it. So you stop getting results and can actually, I believe, start to put on weight just because your body is used to it. If you're eating like shit. So then they switch up the workout. So your muscles are like, Oh, what the fuck? All right. So using that as a an inspiration. I have actually come up with intestinal intestine confusion. This is what I do. I eat perfect for three days.

And right as my body gets used to just eating tremendously well, I just out of nowhere, I sucker punch it with burgers, fries and a shake. And as it rolls down the hill going, what the fuck? What the fuck? Then the next day I start with my oatmeal again and I go back, turkey slices and I eat well. And it's great. All I got to do is eat well for life. It's been working for me anyways. Intestine confusion. You heard it here first. That's what I do. Because I think if you eat well all the time, your intestines, they start becoming like the spoiled rich kid, you know, who got the car when he was 16. You know, you just start taking shit for granted. You don't give a fuck. I think your body does that when you just eat well all the goddamn

time. It just starts, God, that's just how it is. You stop dropping pounds. I've actually found twice this week I did it. I almost ate a whole large cheese pizza by myself. And I was sitting there on the couch in like the fetal position, like I can do four slices all day long. Can't do it all day long, run out to the mailbox and come back. And I don't have a problem. But when I go for that fifth one, forget it. So of course I go for the fifth one. I'm an American, right? It's all about gluttony. You know, we're not wearing skinny jeans over here like those goddamn people over there in Europe. Actually we are. Dude, how annoying are the skinny jeans yet they're still hanging off somebody's ass? I swear to God, if I had martial arts training to the point I was a black belt in like

four different styles and I had a pistol. No, a stun gun. I would run around pulling up people's pants, not worrying. And I would actually give them a bit of a wedgie, just not worrying about, you know, and the only reason why I don't do it is because I know I'm going to get the living shit kicked out of me. But I just want to run up behind these fucking kids. Oh, and those God, and if you have on the skinny ones, you just fucking just yank them down and just boot them. You know what? I shouldn't even say this because this is going to cause people to do this shit, like bullies. They're going to take it seriously. Wouldn't you just love to do it once? Just fucking just yank them up. I mean, it's gotten to the fucking point. They're so low,

some guys that they're almost like, did I already talk? I feel like I already talked about this shit. It's like your whole ass is hanging out of the back. You're in your underwear. There's kids around. You know, it's the worst two is when they reach back to fucking pull them up. And you're like, they're going to pull them up and then only only yank them up. Like that's like one of the oldest standup bits ever, but they only yank them up like a fucking eighth of an inch. Oh, it's like having somebody give you a fucking scratch your back who can't find the itch drives me crazy. You know what people I have to turn the fan on because it's getting hot as hell in here. Hang on one second. All right, with the magic of the pause button, I am back. The fan

still isn't really going. Hey, I bought a new toy. There's a new fucking toy in my life. I evidently I didn't realize that the flip cameras are out now. And there's this new thing out there called the Q3 HD zoom thing. It's just basically it's like a flip cam, but it's HD quality. I bought this the other day. I went into the store. I was looking at some drum shit. And I was talking about I wanted to start making like drum covers, just give you guys something to laugh at and just see how bad I am at drums. But I didn't want to go through all the bullshit of miking up drums and all that crap. So this guy showed me this thing. And it's fucking insane. HD quality it has. And if you buy the 32, I don't know what the fuck it's called 32 gig megahertz

fucking cunt face, whatever, I don't know anything about it. It can actually go up seven hours, seven fucking hours that I can record with in HD quality. So I'm like, you know what, I'm going to get one of these sons of bitches. And I'm going to take it out on the fucking road with me. I could actually film this podcast right now. If I wanted to, it's got that much memory in it. It would be HD quality. But there's two reasons why I'm not going to do it because this is fucking radio and radio is great. Radio is great. Because right now you're listening to me while doing other shit. All right, the second I make it video, a it's boring to watch someone sit here and talk. B I don't want you seeing what my fucking apartment looks like. The shambles that

it is. And yeah, and then you also you can't fucking you can't clean your house to go to the gym and do a go get through a flight. You're going to sit there watching me talking into a microphone with the fuck is wrong with you. Why did I say that like you guys suggest it's been people who suggest you should start filming them. And then what where do I go from there? You should pay you just have somebody come in and paint you while you do it. Intestine confusion. Try it out. Eat perfectly for like three fucking days. Right. And then on the fourth day, I mean, I'm not saying go nuts the whole goddamn day, but just one day just go up just fucking tear down a fucking pizza place. Right. I'll just get a

burger and fries. Just eat until you can't fucking eat anymore. And then don't eat anything for the rest of the goddamn day. Wake up the next day. You're back on the oatmeal. Back on the fucking you're back on the oatmeal. You go for a goddamn hike. You're all set. I'll tell you what I'm fascinated with. I want to do the I want to buy one of those pegboard things. You know, if you guys seen those things and I don't mean the thing, you know, what exactly do you use a real I'm not talking about the one you get at Staples. I'm talking like one when you're trying to become like a ninja warrior. So you can climb up the side of fucking some bullet ridden hideout and fucking

Jesus. He just ran out of references. Did you try to think of a Middle Eastern city in Beirut back in the day? Anyways, they got these this thing called I think it's just called a pegboard. And it's got these two sticks that hang out of it. They look like the same things that are on the end of like nunchucks or like those those stupid things that the percussion instrument. You know, anybody can play those can also play the triangle and should also go fuck themselves. But as far as the pegboard goes, it's basically you guys probably already know what this shit is. Some people might not know it. So you got those two things sticking out and you can pull them out and you basically climb your way up the pegboard sticking it in a hole pulling it out.

This is very phallic. Fucking another hole pulling it out. You're not the one bang. Is this my wife? Fuck you. I'm fucking you. And then you go all the way up the top. And then you go over to the side. You come back down again and then go back over to the side again. And that's one cycle. And if you have badass like that fucking maniac on P90X, he does a fucking goddamn chin up after he does it. He's the first guy I saw doing it. And I'm like, I'm going to get one of those and drill it to the inside wall of my one bedroom apartment. You think I'd get my deposit back? I wonder. Let's do YouTube videos of the week before I get into advice here. We got some great ones this week. I already mentioned the fat guy flipping

out with the speech impediment that they screwed up his goddamn game. And part of me thought it was fake. But then I realized like, no, he really talks that way. He really is upset. But he's also hamming it up because he thinks it's going to people are going to be laughing with him rather than at him. That's what I feel it is. All right, there's another one somebody sent me last week. It's called how to whistle. This is one of the most disgusting creepy fucking videos I've ever seen in my life. This guy keeps just for people who have a weak stomach. This guy, for some reason, keeps emphasizing how important it is to have spittle on your lips. And he takes it off his lips with his fingers and he plays with it and it's really fucking gross or hilarious,

depending on your level of tolerance. Here's one I was watching. I was watching some drum videos and I came across this one. And this dude playing drums here is why I became a comedian, because back in the day when I used to try and play drums and thought for half a second and maybe I could play in a band, I would see guys like this play and I realized that it was just going to be a hobby. This guy is insane. Warning to people who have sensitive ears. This guy is playing to a Bobby McFerrin song, but what he's playing is fucking incredible. The dude's name is Jonathan Newman and I gathered from his video that he goes to the Berkeley School of Music and he's got a bunch of other videos up there, him just playing or playing with other beasts at Berkeley School of

Music drummers out there. Just someone who can actually appreciate someone killing it on an instrument. This fucking guy is amazing. And then the last one, metal filings in your freaking cereal. This one is so creepy. I think I'm going to send it out over my Twitter before we even post it up, because I just think everybody ought to know this. This guy does an experiment with what looks like a cereal that I've eaten a zillion times. And you know those cereals that claim that they have a daily amount of iron in the cereal? Well, this guy was claiming that the iron is actual metal flakes in the cereal. So to prove it, he dumped some of these flakes in a bowl of water and then he takes a magnet and these flakes start following the magnet around the pool of

water like a goddamn junkie running after a bag of meth. It's really fucking creepy and fucking hilarious. It's just scary. I was up at the Montreal Comedy Festival a few weeks ago and somebody mentioned how somebody had gotten cancer and this guy said, Jesus Christ, if one more person gets cancer. And who knows? I don't know if this is all tied together. I have no idea what. Just watch this video. It is really fucked up. And I saw this and I'm like, that's it. We're shopping at the health food store, but no one how the shit works. The big guys, they probably own the health food store too. But the bright side is I think if you get enough of this flaked cereal and you somehow are able to get the iron shavings out of it, when the economy

melts down and you could make maybe a spearhead out of it or some sort of a shield. I actually, you know, I was thinking the other day, have you ever seen those videos on YouTube where they talk about how they built those FEMA camps all over this country? Just in case another New Orleans thing happens. And when you look at, and it's for our own safety, yet there's a fence with barbed wire around the entire facility. It's a fucking prison. I don't know who it's for or what it's for. And every time I picture going into one of those, I always picture that red dawn, you know, avenge me or whatever the name of that movie was. And I'm just like, you just go in there and you fucking die. Right. But I actually have found a silver lining. And that silver lining is the

now deceased actor, Jack Sue. He played one of the detectives on Barney Miller. And when he was a kid, he was Japanese American and the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor. And they rounded up all the Japanese Americans that they could find and they sent them to these, I guess they're considered concentration camps. There was sort of a debate about that because there was no torture going on. But it's I guess the definition now, according to Wikipedia, is that when a select like a minority group of people is all rounded up, and they haven't done a goddamn thing, and they are stuck in a camp and not allowed to leave, that that is a concentration camp. And then of course, there's all different levels from you just have to stay here and play cards with each other until we kick your country's

ass in war, all the way to the absolute fucking horror that happened in Germany. So anyways, but Jack Sue was in one of those the Topaz relocation center when he was a kid. And you know what, he got out and 40 years later or whatever 30 years later, he was on Barney Miller. So there you go. The economy collapses. And you end up in a FEMA camp. Do not give up hope. You could one day 30 years in the future become the star of a sitcom. And then die of cancer of the esophagus a little bit later. Okay, let's plow ahead here. Janie Lane died. Shout out to Janie Lane. I don't get the fuck I'm really bad at this shit when people die. You know, as I mentioned last week, hair metal was my shit, heavy metal, you know, we didn't get too much into the speed metal. I

liked all that shit. I was of the perfect fucking age. It's not dumb to me. I don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourselves. And this guy, I don't know, just another guy died way too fucking young. So he's got kids so download some of his music. Hopefully it will somehow get to them. All right, that's all depressing shit. Let's let's fucking let's plow ahead. All right, advice. Advice. Bill, I am a 32 year old born again virgin and an eight by choice. Jesus Christ. Once again, I haven't read these. So I'm discovering this shit right along with you. I haven't been laid in years and don't know why. Well, it sounds like you got a sense of humor. So already served something positive. You got a good sense of humor. He goes, I'm not the ugliest guy in

the neighborhood. But that ain't enough. The closest I came was a BJ by a thick chick last summer. But even a guy as desperate as me wouldn't wouldn't fuck her. All right, I have no problem flirting with cute bartenders, but just can't seem to seal the deal. Maybe I'm too picky, but I have no interest in screwing a brood. I'm not attracted to please help a fellow sunburnt fuck like yourself get back on the wagon. Love the podcast. Even more when Nia is on. She helps balance out your insanity. Please help another horny Jesus Christ. I can't even read some of the shit people write. All right. All right, dude. I'm going to compare this. You being a born again virgin as I'm going to compare this to a stand up comedian who just shot an hour long special and now needs to write

a brand new hour of material. Okay. You're in a desperate situation. You shot the fucking thing. It went great. You're excited. You celebrated that night. And then the next day the clock's ticking. Your special is going to come out and anywhere from three to six months. And so you basically it's probably gonna come out probably four or five months. So you basically have four or five months to come up with a new hour of material. You know what the quickest way to do that is sir? Not be picky. When I write a new hour of material, all rules of hack are thrown in the garbage. I don't give a fuck. I'll do a Monica Lewinsky joke. Anything to just be saying something fucking different to get me talking about new shit

so I can leave the past behind and fucking plow forward. Even that hacky shit will lead to the gold. All right. So let's get to you. All of a sudden, you know, I don't want to bang this girl because she's thick. You didn't even say fat. She was thick, sturdy, can take a pounding. She's right there waiting for it to go down. You don't give it to her. You know, you're fucking you. You're trying to drink Johnny Walker blue right now. Okay. And you got you got two bucks in your pocket. All right. It's time to go with a little natty light in a pussy sense. You understand me, sir? And I'm not saying that you go out there and go bang some fucking scabies ridden prostitute. I'm not saying that. All right. Go out there, find yourself a girl, looks clean, wear a fucking condom

and you know, as long as consensual here, consensual sex, you fuck the shit out of her. All right. You'll get your little swagger back. You know, when I'm putting together my new hour, I fucking hate myself on stage and shit that would be a little funnier isn't because I don't feel strong and that's what you're doing. You don't feel strong right now. All right. Because your deck's been twisting in the wind for God knows how long. So that's what I would do. Stop being so goddamn, so goddamn picky. Did my girl just call me? What did you say? Maybe that was a neighbor yelling. I have no idea. So that's what I would do, sir. Just stop being so goddamn picky, but don't lower your standals to the point where you're

risking, you know, fucking an STD or impregnating some toothless whore. You understand me? You know what you got to do. All right. Here we go. Plowing it. You like somebody who doesn't have a job and then the job opens up. What are you being sales? All right. Question number two. Hey Bill, I'm a regular listener and first time writer. I need your advice on something. 26 years old and I was together with a lady for close to a year and a half before dating her. I was pretty much a dog. You know, your typical manhore type. No, I know nothing about that. I'd basically bang anything with the skirt on it. Well, don't ever go to Scotland. Thank you. I'll be here all week. But this girl was different. I knew her for a while before

we started dating and we were amazing friends. Anyways, I won't blab on too much. But dating her was great. Her relationship with her dad was good. So, you know, she didn't have any issues and shit. But like in the middle of the relationship, I noticed her coworker would be extra flirty with her and stuff. Oh, Jesus. If this was a TV show, they would introduce that and then they would go to commercial and you'd be like, oh, but I want to see what's going to happen. Well, here we go. We're back from commercial. I always told her how it made me uncomfortable and that and shit that the dude always tried to get with her and stuff. Well, I thought this was a woman. Oh, I immediately assumed it was a woman. I wanted this to be a,

oh, this is a guy. Oh, that's extra. Oh, Jesus. Ah, Jesus Christ. These goddamn fucking women. What did she do to you, sir? Do I really got to read this? Do I even need to read this? You're totally loving her. You complete fucking friends with her and then she's flirting with this guy's flirting with her too much. And all of a sudden now you're not going out with her. Oh, God, these goddamn, goddamn motherfuckers. All right, let's, let's plow ahead. Just needed to regroup. So anyway, I told her how it made me uncomfortable and shit that the dude was always trying to get with her and stuff. But she always assured me that she didn't like the dude and she doesn't respect guys like that who hit on girls even though they are taken.

But is she, is she telling the guy to leave her alone? Jesus Christ. A couple of months passed and then an incident happened. She was at an office party and according to her, the dude got super drunk and kissed her. Anyways, this happened on a weekend and came clean about it the next day. Her excuse was that he got drunk and kissed her. So it wasn't her fault and that she didn't kiss him back. So it means there's nothing there. Of course, I didn't listen to that bullshit and I dumped her within 10 minutes of being told of that. Time out a second. I'm going to give you some applause. There you go. Exactly. Exactly. I don't buy into that crap that she didn't kiss him back because in my head, it's like she's saying, Oh, he had his

dick in me, but I didn't fuck him back. So it's okay. Thank you, sir. I don't even need to answer this. You got your head right where you need to be. When is a guy ever said, Oh, honey, don't worry, I didn't kiss her back and gotten away scot-free. If a guy said that, he would have got the shit kicked out of her out of him by his girl. I remember the old uninformed episode where you and Joe were talking about Michael Richard to some PR guy and Joe said the problem with the whole situations that Michael Richard squirmed when he was apologizing and didn't just own up to his fault. That's why he wasn't forgiven. And that's the logic I use here that if she just owned up to it, that the dude kissed her. I could deal with it better than her saying she didn't

kiss him back because back. So I should be okay with it. Okay. And he goes, Oh my God, I'm basing my relationship decision on what Joe DeRosa says. I think I've hit a new low. Anyway, not to make this email too long, but three months since we broke up. And I'm not really sure if it was the right decision. My gut said I did the right thing, but I'm questioning it. Dude, you're questioning it because you, because you love this girl on some level. And because you're lonely and you're going through this shit, but dude, fuck that. All right. No offense, but that bitch was disrespecting you from day one when that bullshit was happening. This guy's drunk. How did your lips do it? He fucking run across the room like a Superman punch, but with his lips sticking out and she

was talking to somebody else and came over and he was drunk. What do what led up to the kiss? What the fuck were they talking about? They were talking about shit that leads up to a kiss and you're fucking goddamn whore of an ex-girlfriend sat there in that fucking moment, letting your pussy get a little bit wet, but not really fucking doing it. Fuck her dude. I'm telling you right now, that was the tip of the goddamn iceberg. That's to lock the door test to the 10th fucking power if you ever saw a Bronx tale. That's it right there. You 100% made the right fucking decision. You're still a young guy. There's a better one coming your way who won't be fucking flirting with some dick at work and accidentally getting kissed. And you think that that's the only thing

that happened? That he accidentally just kissed her and that's where the fuck it stopped? He didn't accidentally brush against one of her titties. Fuck that dude. You did the right thing. Football season's coming. All that money you would have spent on her. Go get yourself a dish and get the fucking NFL package. You deserve it. All right. Go on YouTube, learn how to cook a perfect steak on a hibachi and enjoy your fucking team for 16 games. I'm telling you, let her fade the fuck away and get yourself a decent woman. Good for you sir. I applaud you. I applaud you for the fucking decision you just made there. That was like, it was like in gymnastics when you just stick the fucking landing 10.0. It's over. Give him the gold medal. You did the right thing.

Fuck her. All right. That's just the loneliness. You'll find another golden. Good ones are hard to find. So it's going to take longer than three months. Okay. But the last thing you want to do, it's over. The trust is gone. It's fucking over. All right. If you ever think of going back to a re-listen to this part of the fucking podcast, it ends at 49 minutes 53 seconds. So fast forward to that and rewind to whatever. Fucking two minutes. Jesus Christ. He didn't kiss him back. Yeah. He didn't kick him in the balls either. He yelled rape. How the fuck did he kiss you? Oh, that's fucking great. You dumped her. Good. I hope she learns a lesson. She probably won't. Dude, she definitely has fucking issues and I'm telling you right now.

Why don't I keep overselling this? All right. Let's move on. All right. The next one. Number three here. Okay. And that's it. That's the length of, I could speak three languages if you want to count to three. Other than that, you're on your own. I would like to get your great sage advice on a certain lady. We'll call her Melly that I can't get off my fucking mind. And if Nia is around, I wouldn't mind some womanly advice too. You know what? She's in the kitchen where she fucking belongs, making me a goddamn dinner. And you know what? I'm not even lying. That is where she is, and that is where she belongs. You hear that, Nia? I said you're out in the kitchen where you belong,

making me a dinner. I said, watch this, you're out in the kitchen where you belong, making me a dinner. I don't hear her feet. Are you just going to take that? What's the world coming to? Hey, somebody wants your advice in here. Hey. Ah, fuck you. There we go. Let's go here. Here we go. Well, she's not around evidently. She's probably watching one of those shows where people dance with no shirts on, dancing like a two-year relationship. They seem to always be dancing some sort of relationship. Okay, in this dance, he loves her, but he can't be with her because the king said, don't do it. And really, that's what you're doing there. I thought you guys

would just spin it around on tables. I swear to God, that fucking goddamn dance show, America has talent. I don't know what it is, but it's longer than the NHL fucking playoffs. I've come home. She tapes like five of them, and then she'll watch them all at once. And it's like March Madness for douchebags. Every time I come home, the fucking show is on. The only thing I will give, I'll give her credit for is she fast forward through that chick that looks like a fucking toad who goes all the time. If like, what the fuck was Frank Gifford's wife, Kelly Grifford? Whatever fuck her name is. If she ever fucked a frog, if she had sex with a frog, that's what it would look like. That goddamn flat-faced fucking weirdo. Then that other guy with his goddamn pointy

nose. He just got a facelift. Oh, Jesus. You still look like you're in your 50s. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I'm 24, and she was my first long-term girlfriend. We were together on and off for a year with two breaks both initiated by me. It was a real up-and-down thing, and I don't just mean in the bedroom. She has a kid from a previous dude. Oh, dude. Open the passenger side door and roll out. I'm kidding. It's not wrong. She has a kid, but you know, you're just adding a degree of difficulty that doesn't need to happen. Kind of like when the Rams played the Patriots in the Super Bowl. There was no reason not to use martial fuck, but for some reason they didn't add a degree of difficulty in what happened. The kick is up, and it's good. All right, plowing

ahead here. So anyway, she had a kid from a previous dude, and I got along well with the kid, and I guess it's really matured me to play stepdad for a year. She had a lot of mental issues, medication. She left a scar on my upper arm when she bit me. Lots of suicide threats. My mom hates her. My friends hate her. Dude, are you a fucking moron? Do I really need to answer this? Hey, hey, Nia. How are you? You look a little angry. Come here. They need your advice here. I'm in here because I needed you to come in here. You couldn't have just said come in here. You had to insult me. I have to make it funny. It wasn't funny. It's fucking hilarious, and all my podcast listeners are laughing. It's comedy. Somebody's got to get hurt, and it was your turn. So quit

your crying. Am I going to read this because we only have one microphone? You're going to shut your face, and when I'm done, I didn't think you were going to be on this one. Just shut up because I don't have you mic'd, sweetie. Sweetheart, love of my life. Shut your face, and let me read the rest of this. All right, here we go. All right, let me plow through this here because the listeners already heard this. All right, he's 24 years old. He had a long-term girlfriend. They were on and off for two years. She has a kid from a previous relationship. He did mind playing stepdad. She has a lot of mental issues. She's on medication. She left a scar on his upper arm where she bit him. Lots of suicide threats. You should see the face she's making right now, sir. My mom hates her.

My friends hate her. For some reason, this guy needs advice. When she was normal, this girl was fucking perfect. We had the same sense of humor, got along great. It seemed like every time we were together, it would just get worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore. I told the fuck off. The first two times, she would call or message me in a couple of months, and then I'd end up meeting her, and we'd talk. Next thing I know, I'm back in the relationship. It's good and getting worse, and then I tell her to fuck off again. I've tried seeing other girls in between, nice girls, normal girls, etc. Just can't get the same connection as I had with Melly. What do I do? Does it just take more fucking time? Should I call her again? Blah, blah, blah. Dude,

I already know what's going on. This girl is a fucking beast in the bedroom. She's an absolute beast in the bedroom, and he's running back to the best pussy you ever had, because other than that, there's no fucking... Come here. There's no reason. Yeah, crazy women are insane in bed. They're pun intended. Yeah, no, she's probably really good in bed because she's crazy. But my friend, this girl needs help that you can't provide. She needs to be on medication and therapy. She's a mess, and your self-esteem is clearly pretty low because you keep going back to this basket case. Tell him to rub one out, and when he's done rubbing one out, and then think about getting back into the relationship with her. Rub one out first, and then once his sexual desires

from her. Rub one out, and the second you're done cleaning up the fucking mess you created, think about going back into her. Is it necessary to be that way? Yes, yes it is. Yes, I don't do this on stage, I don't do it on television. This is my outlet to be an absolute pig. I love this fucking podcast. It keeps me sane. Stop ruining my fun. For what? The only way to come back to bite me in the ass is if I have a part on a sitcom or I'm running for president, and I can live without either one of those. All right, I'm happy. I'm happy with who I got. So let me finish. So rub one out, and afterwards think about being in a relationship with her. Okay, and there's your fucking answer. That's it. What you have is your codependent. Look up that word if you don't know what it means, but

I just meant that he should look into it because it's like it just means that you need this girl because you feel like you're fulfilling some sort of role. It makes you feel important to sort of help her or be there for her, but it's all based in insecurity, and that's why you keep going back to her. You deserve better than this. This is a ridiculous cycle that you're putting yourself in. It's completely unnecessary, so you need to tell her to fuck off, and you need to keep walking in the other direction, and don't let her seduce you with her fucking manic depressive pussy. Nihil, everybody. God bless you. Now get out there and plate my food, woman. Don't. Don't. I have to finish this. Don't. All right. That wasn't, that wasn't. You know what,

you're capable of hitting harder. All right, overrated, underrated for this week. Underrated, spreading jelly with a spoon instead of a butter knife. Jesus Christ. I never thought of doing that. That actually sounds like it could work. You can scoop the jelly with the spoon and spread it with the back of it. The back of the spoon is smooth, is smooth and round, so it won't shred the bread like a knife does, and one less thing you have to wash. That's fucking genius. Overrated, home ownership. Don't get me wrong. It's nice having a house where you don't have to deal with neighbors coming home drunk at two in the morning, blasting shitty Katy Perry music, or have to deal with some asshole landlord anytime the heat stops working. But the thing with owning a house

is that you become the shitty landlord and have to deal with all the problems yourself. On top of that, you never really own the place free and clear. Let's just, let's say somehow, somehow you manage to pay off the fucking mortgage. You still have to deal with the taxes and the monthly utility bills. So it's not like you can pay the fucker off and the next day retire and sit at home and stroke it to three's company. Dude, that's a fucking lily. That's, it's the worst. It's the worst. You know what it is? They won't let you sit out and just go, I worked for 30 years. I want to chill. They won't let you do it. That's why it takes 30 years to pay off a fucking house because they want you to get it at 30. And then by the time you fucking 60, your goddamn pancreas

is failing. Your health insurance fucking cancels you. And then you got to sell the house to pay for your medical bills. And then they move another 30 year old in there and they fucking financially bang him in the ass for the next 30 years. So sir, this is the secret. The secret is, is you buy a house that you can afford. And I don't buy affording it. I don't mean the monthly payment. That's the slavery part of it. All right. The running off the plantation part is knocking down the principal. So what you do is you buy a house where you can easily afford the monthly payment and then you just kick the shit out of the mortgage. All right. And then you still have the property tax and all, but that's just how the game is played. But at some point it is,

you do want to live in a house like me. I still live in a one bedroom apartment. And one of the main reasons why I'm not filming this is if you saw my one bedroom apartment, you would not believe that I was playing a fucking funny bone. Forget about that. I can't even say the gig that I'm playing. It's so fucking unreal to me. Anyways, here we go. Continuing with underrated, overrated. I believe this is under, underrated, New York. What I really mean is Manhattan. But if you talk to any of those fuck, well, I guess this is overrated. New York's overrated. And what I really mean is Manhattan. But if you talk to any of those fuckwads who live there, they call it New York, equating Manhattan with all of New York. As if the rest of it, the state is lucky to be associated

with the prestige that those condescending pricks think they have. They'll let you know that you're not really a New Yorker because your phone number doesn't start with two one two, or that your city is not a real city because it doesn't have the culture that New York has to offer. As if having the good slice of pizza, only having a good slice of pizza in America, a few good steak joints in a theater district makes it the pinnacle of society in the center of the world. Per square foot, more assholes than any other city. Hands down, it's the home of bankers, lawyers, and advertising agencies. Jesus, I can't argue with any of that. And I live there and I love that place. But yeah, it's true. New York City, I would say, is the easiest place to just go and have a good time

and to appreciate. But if you go to other places, they're fucking amazing. Like I'm going to Nashville this week to work Zanies in Nashville. Gonna be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or Friday, Saturday. Yeah, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. No, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Jesus Christ. Then I fly out and what was I gonna say? Yeah, when you're down there, there's, there's, this is what I learned. This is how I'm able, this is why I love New York and LA. When I'm in New York, I do New York shit. When I'm in LA, I do LA shit. When I go to Tennessee, I do Tennessee shit. I get barbecue, slap my woman. No, sorry. I'll go to an SEC football game. I'll check out some music. I do Nashville shit. I got a couple of buddies out there that own a

spread and I'll go out and check out how they're living. It's a fucking great time. Enjoy the peacefulness of nature. Speaking of which, I went and I watched my first meteor shower, or is it meteorite? Meteor makes it to the earth. Meteorite burns up in the atmosphere, right? We actually drove up into the mountains and one of Nia's friends was like, let's go watch a meteorite shower. So I was like, all right, yeah, let's fucking do it. So I go up there and it was absolutely amazing, but there's too many brats. I liked all the women who were there, but Jesus Christ. You know the peace and the tranquility that you get when you're out? You know that, that, uh, what the fuck is that guy's name? The guy wrote about

the pond, Walden, whatever the fuck his name is, Henry Thoreau. You know what they talk about there? Basically, one of the great things about going out in nature is the peace of it. If you can just block out getting mauled by a wild animal, it's so quiet and it's really great for you as a human being and getting that peace and tranquility when there's four or five broads in the area, it is impossible. It is fucking impossible. Their ability to conversate, non fucking stop while watching a meteorite shower, whatever the fuck you call it, they would just be like, oh my God, did you see Glee last week? Why is so and so like this? Oh my God, she's such a bitch. And as they're talking, one would fly

across the sky and they would just react to it and then go right back to it. Oh my God. And it has a, so anyways, I like season two better than season three. I just don't know why they took her care. That's all they were doing. And it drove me fucking insane, drove me fucking insane. Hey, look who's back because Nia, when you're in nature, it's nice when it's quiet every once in a while. You guys were talking about the box set of six feet under while watching this shit. It was, you know, we were having conversations. We were out just because one person wants it to be quiet. It doesn't mean everyone else has to be quiet. We were enjoying ourselves. We were laughing together. We're having a good time. I know, I know, I know, I know country retreat.

I know, I know, I know, but I, I felt like I was in an airport terminal surrounded by five strangers on their cell phone. Well, I mean, you guys really weren't talking about shit. You guys were talking about a play. Look, I don't want to argue with you two weeks in a row in the podcast. You made me dinner. Okay, you earned your keep today. I appreciate that. I'm just fucking with you. You can swear to God, what? All right, gorgeous. I'll see you in a minute. All right. I don't know if this is overrated or underrated. I have to figure this out as I read it. Early retirement. Sure, if you love your job, retiring isn't a big deal and probably means you're left with finding things to do. But the fact that 99.9% of the people hate their jobs

and are working for that dangling retirement carrot, which keeps getting pushed out farther and farther used to be 65. But now the way the country is going with, and with 401ks getting raped, you're more likely to retire in your 70s, if not later. Oh, so you're saying the dream of retiring early. Yeah, but you know something, you can do it. If you're willing to live with less, you can retire early. You don't have to have one of those MTV cribs fucking life. You don't have to have it. I mean, you could end up like me 43, one bedroom apartment. But you know, there's something to be said about not being buried in fucking debt.

I still have to work. Taxman still bugs me. But you know, I can go see a movie whenever I want to. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. Do you know, I saw Sean Penn bought this giant plot of land and just put a fucking trailer on it. And I was like, that's genius lives in the middle of nowhere. What do you really need? Ah, fuck that, I would go crazy in that maybe get a double wide. But there, there, there are options. You don't. Oh, did we talk about this last week? Have you seen those tiny houses that that are, that are allegedly all the rage? They're tiny houses. They're like the size. They're like the size of a fucking studio apartment, apartment, maybe they look like giant doll houses for rich kids to go play in. They're like tree

forts. And they're like 15 grand. And you basically, yeah, it's like, it's like paying off a, what's a good car? A Honda Civic with no options. Not even that. I mean, I, what the, can you get a car for 15 grand? Maybe one of those smart cars. There's no fucking way. There's no way. If I buy a house, if it went to buy a house, I want to buy something where it's cozy, but it's big enough where I can get the fuck away from anybody else who's living in it. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I just think it's really important to be by yourself for a certain amount of time every single day. You know, at some point you have to go fuck off, go for a walk, you know, do something.

I don't know. I don't know what happened to this podcast to everybody, but listen, remember, if you want to listen to another, if you want to listen to a great hour, or I interview Ephraim Salam, it's the Monday morning podcast select. It will be up and available for download on the MMPodcast.com, the MMPodcast.com fan page, the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast. We'll have a link. You pay 99 cents. And I got to tell you, Ephraim was a ridiculously awesome guest. And I even said to him at one point, I go, why don't you do radio or TV? And he says, because I say fuck and shit too much, which God knows I can relate to that. So we hit it off. Everything was great. And listen in,

if you'd like. And if not, don't. All right. So that's it. So that's your option. You can listen if you want. You don't have to. So I don't hear any of you cunts crying to me like, why wasn't that free? Life isn't free. People of this generation, I know you get your music and your movies and everything else for fucking free. This isn't free. This costs 99 cents. Go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast for this week. Don't take any shit. And it's almost football season. And I'm excited about that. Talk to you next week. Yeah. Finding suitable mental health medications can be a challenge. The gene site test may help.

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