Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-17-17

Episode Date: August 18, 2017

Bill rambles about the A-Star, the news and your happy neighbor.

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It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Sorry for Thursday. No, it isn't. It's not the Monday. It's a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and just checking it on you. I'm just checking in on you. How you doing?

What are you? What are you done today? Did you watch the news? Did you fill your head up with all the fucking craziness on the news? Isn't it great watching the news? Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm waking up.

I'm feeling good. You know what? Let's turn on the news. Why would you put on the fucking news? What are you going to see? Are you going to see an accurate portrayal of what's going on? Stick your head out the fucking window.

Look at your neighbor. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Look at him. He's coming out to his car with his little brown sack with his fucking lunch in it. Huh? Is he saluting Hitler?

You know? Is he got a bomb strapped around his waist? Is he got a mosquito on his head that's biting him and so he has babies with little heads? Jesus fucking Christ. The goddamn hysteria. The hysteria that these news organizations, social media, and all of this shit has created,

you just need, I'm fucking walking away, man. I'm walking away. I'm done. I don't need to know what's going on. I don't need to be informed, okay? Because walking around in a constant state of fucking hysteria is, I don't think that that is being informed

when my reality, my day to day, is I get in a car, I drive to a building, and I write dialogue for cartoon characters. Occasionally, I get to play drums. I do stand up, I hang out with my wife, and is that my daughter in there? Right, I hang out with my daughter, and that's it. But I put on the news, and I will literally think

that there's a glacier melting right above me that's gonna drown me. Polar bears are gonna swim in and eat me with fucking bomb strapped around their fucking waist. Everybody fucking relax, fucking relax. And all these people fucking going on there, and they're just so and so, got on TV and told Trump supporters,

I love these people that like, you know, on these fucking news channels, they go on and they fucking, you know, give the other side a piece of their mind as if the other side even sees it. They're too busy like watching their own shit. And even if they see your shit, you're not gonna sway them. I had equated to all those years I lived in New York City as a Boston Red Sox fan.

During that time, I didn't have money for the baseball package, so I used to watch the Yes Network. I always watched Yankee home games, always. Home and away, whatever. I rooted against them the entire time I watched them. I watched more Yankee games from 1999 to 2007 than I watched Red Sox games. So in theory, I should have become a Yankee fan,

but I did not. Because I was a staunch red freckled faced Red Sox fan, and that's it. So all these people going on TV, talking about these fucking people, now these fucking jerkoffs are gonna go up to Boston, right? You know, 18 fucking jerkoffs. You know, I know it's more than that,

but everybody, oh my God, the Nazis taking over, and then they're gonna show the fucking footage of Boston and busing and all of that shit from way back in the fucking day. Is this a perfect storm of racism? Is Hitler really dead when we return? His body was never found. According to reports, there was an angry looking jerkoff

riding around in a Mercedes Benz spotted just last year. Down in South America. I'm down with all of them. It's absolute fucking hysteria out there. These people are losing their fucking minds. Losing their minds, screaming and yelling at each other. Nobody's listening to anybody. Everybody's acting like the fucking sky is falling.

One fat fuck shoots off a fucking missile and everybody loses their shit. One missile. We do that every fucking day. We're worried about this guy? One fucking fat guy with... I just don't understand the level of fucking freak out that's going on, you know? It's fine.

Yankees are playing the Red Sox this weekend. College football's coming up, NFL football, baseball playoffs are coming. It's all going to be fine. All right? I got to tell you, there's always been Nazi supporters and they've kind of always had rallies, but it's not like they're growing.

You know what I mean? Are they? I mean, I... I got to be honest with you, you don't get any whiter than me and I've never gotten a flyer. No one's ever asked me to join. I don't walk down the street, hey, hey. You know, guten tag. Look, I'm not saying these aren't important issues,

but I'm just saying the level that people are fucking freaking out. All right? Just need to fucking relax. Just fucking relax, man. Okay? You can vote against whoever you want to vote against very soon, right?

Isn't it like midterm elections and then there's this other shit? You know what's going to happen? You know what's going to happen, okay? This fucking country goes, we're going way over here. We're going to go fucking back over here. So anyways, whatever. How you doing? How was your Thursday afternoon, huh? Got good people in your life? Did you have a sandwich today?

Ah, wasn't that delicious? Was there a terrorist in your sandwich? Was there a little Nazi flag on the fucking toothpick that they stuck in your fucking club sandwich there? I'm going to say there wasn't. I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to say there wasn't. I'm actually doing the Trump hand thing right now. Will you put your index finger on your thumb?

I like it. The other three fingers stick up. You know what's great about it? When you point home. I'm going to start doing that with my wife, okay? I'll tell you right now. There's going to be cold beer in the fridge. You know what the biggest crisis in my life is right now is I cannot fucking... I cannot sustain a workout or eating well

for any significant amount of times to prevent me from staying at the fucking weight or gaining weight. I just can't do it. This fucking writer's room, you're just sitting in there with all these people you love watching them slowly die. That's what it is because no matter how few calories you eat, you're sitting on your fucking ass for eight to ten hours a day and you just can't... you can't fucking do it.

I'm so fucking pissed at myself right now. I'm going to have to start doing two a days. I'm going to work out in the morning and I'm just going to have to like... I don't know what to do. I went out last night and I did a... I did a show down at Largo and I stopped eating it like, you know, I don't know when the fuck... I didn't want to have it like five o'clock.

I don't even remember what I had for dinner. Five-thirty or something like that. Oh, then I got down to the club and I was hungry and I went to this vegetarian restaurant. Those fucking things. Oh, I didn't eat meat. Yeah, but what did you eat? What was in that fucking sauce, you know? It's going right to your fucking ass, right?

Your stomach. And then... You know, I had one whiskey. That was it and then I came home and I'm fucking starving. My wife had a little bit of Thai food and I had that and I'm just... I'm fucked. I'm killing myself.

I don't know what happened to my discipline. I don't know. I'm just under a lot of fucking stress right now. I guess that's why I'm having this reaction to the fucking news and everybody's watching it and then they're coming in and they're like, can you fucking believe this? Can you fucking believe this? It's just like, all right.

You know what would be great in the news if they showed the amount of fucking people last week who didn't get in a car and plowed down a bunch of fucking people like a complete piece of shit? That would be the rest of us. And then this one fucking asshole does it and then everybody starts thinking, is this what the world's going to be like now?

Is this going to happen? How awful a fucking parent did that person have? Jesus Christ, you know, I think when your kid starts putting like the Hitler poster on the wall, it's time to be a little more involved. Maybe sign him up for volleyball or something. Try to get him out there, you know? I don't know what you do with that.

Is there a hotline for that? 1-800, my son's into Hitler. 1-800, I keep finding two holes poked in the pillowcases. You know what I mean? There's unconditional love and then there's Hitler, right? Who's kidding who? And then it's kind of like, all right, you know what? I think it's time to ship you off to the loony bin

and let's make a new kid. It's time to make a new kid. Son, you know what? You're like an old star. It's time to go. You're like Brett Favre when he got shipped to the fucking jets. It's over for you. It's over, okay?

You can't make the pass across the field anymore. You know what I mean? You've lost your vision and you got posted to Hitler. It's over. We're trading you to the New York Jets and we're bringing in the news. We're having a fucking... That's what I would do.

If my big kid became a racist, I would fucking turn my kid in and then I would just make a new kid. That's it. Go back to the draft. You know what I mean? Or maybe adopt, basically sign a free agent. You really have to have a strict no-Hitler fucking policy in your house.

You just have to have it. Anyways, I saw this thing where people were going on to... white people going on ancestry.com and were not pleased with some of the results. Yeah. I mean, that's going to happen, right? It's going to happen.

You're going to find a couple of surprises in there that's going to fuck with your manifesto. You know? I would love if you could fucking... What the fuck did they do with Hitler anyways? I mean, even if he lived, he's got to be dead by now, right? When was that guy born? 1890? Something? He's so evil.

Maybe he's still alive. Just the hate is keeping him going. You know? Just picture him with like a fucking SS walker screaming with every step trying to get to the fucking toilet. You know? To take a master race shit.

LAUGHTER If they only just encouraged this painting. If that had only happened, then you wouldn't have all this craziness. Well, they'd find something else. Anyways, Red Sox. Up, down, up, down, up, down against this week. And Yankees,

I think they won last night against the Mets. So Red Sox, Yankees play this weekend, right? Everybody's going to have a good time. Enjoy the game. I take me out to the ballgate. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. You know?

Scan your fingerprints at fucking Tiger Stadium because you are a fucking dope. So anyways, I'm going to start doing two-day workouts. That's what I got to do, and I just have to I have to fucking commit. I'm trying to figure out this new life that I have

in this fucking writer's room, because it takes up so much of my time that I have a very finite amount of time to fucking work out and still actually keep my stand-up act going and all this shit. And I think it's causing me stress.

And maybe that's the fucking problem. Maybe I'm just old. I don't know. I got to fight it, dude. I can't have the fucking dad, bud. You know? You're just like, just thick. Stupid skinny arms coming out the side. That Mr. Potato had fucking body.

You know? I can't fucking do it. I guess also because I blew out my shoulder, which is finally the thing is better now. I'm going really slow. I had the rotator cuff shit going on, right? So I'm now, this morning, I actually, for the first time in like a year,

I had the fucking Bob Bell and I was benching. I had five pounds on each side. That's how long and slow this process is. And I felt like a just a little something and I was going to do three sets and I said, I immediately stopped,

which is what you have to do with an injury. You have to immediately go, you know what? Fuck this. I'm not doing this anymore. So anyways, let's Google some news. Google cancels domain registration for Daily Stormer.

All right, let's see what we got here. Google has canceled. Oh, this is going to be more hate group shit. Justin Bieber may have an unknown 17 year old famous with a single picture. Really? A reporter calls out Huckabee's claim that countless FBI employees were.

That's like reporting now. Your headline is really three death foods you should avoid. But death foods. Okay. All right, let's just read this one. Let's see what you see. We're canceling Daily Stormer's registration

with Google domains for violating our terms of service. This post person told business insider. Well, where the fuck was this a while ago? You read Google's registration agreement. You can read it here. Okay, Google didn't want its service used to incite violence, a source close

to Google told business insider about this. I don't know. I hate to do the cliche, but when you those fucking white supremacist groups they're just the dumbest fucking people. Look at this fucking guy. It's like if they went

if they made a movie about white supremacist this guy went to the casting. I don't know. I don't get people who go down and protest the fucking these hate groups. Just let them go down there and scream and yell to nobody.

You know what I mean? Why do you go down there? And then what do you do? You start tearing their signs down as if they're going to be like, oh, they tore our sign down. Now I see their fucking now I see their side of it. All you're doing is reinforcing

in their head that you guys are fucking assholes. You should go down there. You should bake them a little pumpkin pie, a little apple pie and just give them some food and just be nice to them. That's what we should do to that fucking guy that fatty over there in North Korea.

You know? If I was Trump I'd go over there and smoke a cigar with them. Talk about grabbing pussies, whatever the fuck he wanted to do, you know? Instead of you, yo, fucking do that, we're going to do this. All right.

Oh, god. I have to get out of this vortex here. I just fucking Google news. Boston to hate groups, you're not welcome here. You're not welcome here. We got plenty of haters already here in Boston. You know, it'd be funny if other

racists in Boston were upset about the races coming here. They're going to take our hate. They're going to take our jobs, man. Dude, we can't have a bunch of other people coming up here dropping the fucking N word. What are we going to do then?

You're not wanted here, dude. We're not hiring. We got fucking plenty of them. Anyways, what else? What else? I got nothing going on, dude. I'm just sitting in a fucking writer's room with no knowledge and somehow putting on weight,

because at the end of the day, I fuck it up. But last night I was at Lago. I got one more show down there tonight. I worked with Joe Bartnick and Todd Rex, two absolute fucking beasts, and they killed it last night. We're going to be down there again tonight

for a great cause, a friend of mine, Pete Cummins, unfortunately passed away last year. One of the great comics that I met on the way up and just a great guy, so we're raising money for his kids, so I want to thank everybody that came down there last night

and tonight raising funds, doing something positive, not being an ISIS, not being in a hate group, right? Something positive. Honey, when I told you I wanted you to be more social, I should have been more specific.

That's a mom pulling up to like a clan rally, yelling at her son. Timmy, I wish you wouldn't do that. I really wish you wouldn't. Could you just stop it? I mean, anyways, I just can't get out of the vortex of that.

So anyways, all Freckles is trying to invest his fucking money because the government's taken all of it and I'm sitting here trying to buy the smallest of small little properties here. So someday when I'm in my fucking 70s and 80s and I don't feel like going out on the road unless I want to,

I don't have to. You know what I mean? I don't want to fuck, you know what I mean? Because what goes up comes back down again and if I start the gentle slide back down to doing the fucking comedy vault at Remington's in Boston when I'm in my 80s,

which unfortunately that room finally passed away like a year or two ago, about a year and a half ago. The comedy vault legendary room started in 1993. Dick Doherty host Spike Tobin. I was on one of the first nights there.

I put together my first five minutes right down there, right next to the fucking bank vault. Why am I thinking of that shit? Because right now I'm trying to get a loan, all right? And I have, I should have perfect fucking credit, but I don't

because I pay off my credit cards every fucking month. So, and they don't like that. I paid off my loans early. They don't like that. That dings your credit. They look at that like a loss. Like, hey, we were going to make five grand off this loan. You paid it off twice as fast. We only made 2,500 bucks.

We lost 2,500 bucks in this guy. So I've given these guys every fucking goddamn piece of information they need. I have the credit. I have the fucking money. It's a fucking joke. And then today they come at me. They want two years of my fucking cell phone bill.

Now I got to dig through all of my shit to try and find that. And I just want to say to them, can you just tell me why you need all this? Oh, these are the new regulations. Yes, yes. And why? Why are these new regu- why do these New York regulations exist?

Well, I mean, that's just something to know. They exist because you guys were responsible with your own country men's money 10 fucking years ago and you fucking nuked the economy. I didn't do it. I'm a responsible fucking guy. I live within my means.

My checkbook is balanced. And now I have to jump through all these extra hoops. Why? Because you guys are greasy, greedy fucking pieces of shit that gave every fucking mouth-breathing dope, $500 fucking thousand dollars came walking through your bank doors

for a good seven, eight years in the last decade. And I got to sit here digging through shoeboxes of fucking phone bills. You know? Because you're on double secret probation because you're a fuck-up. I love how they're a fuck-up. All of a sudden, it reverts back to me.

Like, now I have to pay for this since. Well, actually, Bill, the fact that they're holding their feet to the fire like this, you know, that's a good thing for you and your money because your money's tied into the system. I realize that. I just wish that when you say, well, they don't do this. They don't hide behind regulations.

They should say, well, because we got so greedy 10 years ago, the culmination of our greed ended up with the fucking the cooking of the fucking economy. And old people thought they could retire then had to continue working right into their fucking grave. That's what the fuck we did

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you're going to see, unfortunately, people dying who don't do that stuff and how they leave their loved ones is the second tragedy. So don't fucking do that to the people.

You love being dead serious here. Dead fucking serious. No pun intended. You got to fucking do that. You got to take care of them. You're going to die. Fucking deal with it. God knows if you got a woman in your life, you're going to die sooner rather than fucking later with all of the shit that they do. They just, you know,

they can't help it. It's just what they are. They give, they love, and they take. It's the balance. You know, everything that they give your kid, they take away from you and then you just slowly die this lonely existence in a room full of other people. And that is the podcast for this afternoon.

Kidding. That's every day, but I know it's fucking around today on this podcast, but seriously, stick your head out the window. You know, just fucking, everybody relax. Fucking relax. Just fucking Christ.

You can see these goddamn people. I mean, they're too fucking stupid. They're too fucking stupid to brush their teeth. They're going to run a country. Anyway, why doesn't everything always go back to Germany too? This is like Germany in the fucking 1930s. Well, why isn't it like Russia?

Russia. Well, why isn't it our country in the fucking 1617 and 1800s? This wasn't exactly a great place to live for a lot of fucking people. Oh Jesus, now I'm

doing it. I'm talking to the fucking, I don't know what I'm doing. Am I ranting and raving now? I have no idea. All I know is I'm going to be in a good mood today and I have to do two a days. Two a days so I don't look like a freckled guy here. I worked out this morning, you know, I did my little half hour on the fucking

elliptical and I threw the weights around. Now, the most crucial thing is what I eat and when I stop fucking eating. All right, so I already got it. Tonight I stop eating at five o'clock. I'm having a turkey

patty with a tabbouleh salad and then that's it and then I have to drink waters for the rest of the fucking time and then to make up for my sins last night I'm going to skip rope for fucking three rounds you know, try to burn off some shit that way and maybe that's what I'll do. I'll do fucking two a days.

Is that what I got to do? I know what I got to do. I got to fucking get out of this writer's room. That's what I have to do. Maybe instead of taking a lunch, maybe I'll fucking bring an elliptical into the office and while we pitch jokes I'll just be on the fucking thing and everybody in the writer's room just takes a turn,

you know, or every time you pitch a joke and it doesn't get a laugh, you know, ten minutes on the fucking elliptical. You know? Our whole fucking room will look like, you know, they look at the end of the tour to France, we just burn so many calories like your body's like

eating yourself. Maybe going to the table reads by episodes eight and nine being like, you know, it's a funny show, but Jesus Christ, they're fucking amazing. What kind of show are we doing here? They put their heart and soul into this fucking thing. Oh, wait a second, all of a sudden it got loud

in my ears. Oh, I turned it up by accident. Brushed against it with my forearm there. All right. Hey, by the way, I got a new band that I've been listening to and I'm not going to remember the fucking name of them because I know my phone. It's a really weird name

for a band. Let me see. I'm opening my fucking iTunes. Go to Artists. I know it begins with an A. This is getting everybody excited. Please say my alt J. I downloaded this album called This Is All Yours

and I fucking love it. Great album, great album to chill out to. I worked out to it this morning because it was early in the morning and it's kind of fucking, you know, you know, creepy and mellow and all that type of stuff, you know, I guess I knew I was going to get on the fucking scale, but

I had never heard of them and Josh Adam Meyers from the goddamn comedy jam he actually, when I was on the road, he goes, hey, I'm going to go see this band tonight. Alt J. I'm like, what? I thought it was a typo. It's ALT, lowercase

dash capital J. I really enjoyed them. And once again, Mute Math has a new album coming out next month. All right. That is it. Please listen to the music. A little interlude here before we give you another half hour of Greatest Hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast from a Thursday from a Thursday that went

by on a Thursday that you didn't even pay attention to. All right. That's it. God bless you. Thank you for not being a Nazi. And I'll have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and this is the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 17th, 2007 or 2009. Why can't I have a do-it-date

right? I actually, this is the second time I started the podcast because I always just started and then I go to say the date and I realize I don't know what the date is. So I'm going to do I don't know what the date is.

So I'm sick of doing that. Like I just did that and I fucked up the date and I was like, I do this every time people are going to think it's a gimmick. Like I always deliberately fucking up the date. So I just hit stop, I hit a race and I started over again and I fucked up the year.

Something wrong with my brain. You know what it was because it was the 17th, then my brain was thinking seven. So then when I went to say the year, I said 2007. In case you're wondering. Anyways, I'm actually it's Sunday

when I'm doing this podcast because if you're listening to this East Coast time in the morning, I'm on an airplane right now and I just got a bunch of shit to do tomorrow. So I figured I'm not doing anything today. Why not bang out a podcast? You know?

Anybody can go out in Atlanta and hang out with another human being. You know? It takes a real secure fucking loser to still be in his fucking hotel bed at, what the fuck time is it?

12.20 in the afternoon. Jesus Christ. I'm watching the whatever the fuck golf major this is. The PGA. I'm actually betting against Tiger Woods. I kind of have this ongoing bet.

I keep betting against Tiger Woods with another comic friend of mine who is of African persuasion. Basically, because I've kind of not been watching baseball lately I've been trying to pick up new sports and the only way for me to get into golf

is to have stupid ass bets. So I figure I'll bet against not only will I bet against Tiger Woods I will bet against Tiger Woods with another black dude and I will just to make it interesting, you know

say dumb shit like golf's a white man's game I'm betting on Ernie L's you know what, I actually won in the fucking Masters. I bet on Phil Mickelson and I won that one because he beat Tiger Woods and then I don't know I got busy and I could have won another

you know, we bet like 25 bucks a major I could have won the US Open and I also could have won the fucking that one over there in England and I blew those off and I think I'm going to lose today it's weird, I'm betting against Tiger

but you know, my money is, but I'm actually rooting for him you know is that exciting? No I don't think it is either. Anyways let's uh, let's plow ahead here I'm in a fucking bad mood I had a really I had a really bad show last night

not like I had a bad show I went up there and I did this whole bit on Michael Vick coming back and it killed and everybody was having a great time and then at the end of my set this woman comes up to me and uh you know like when someone's going to insult you

you know rather than having, I'm going to insult you look on their face, they come up and they have an ear to ear like Eric Astrada grin on their face you know, that's what she was doing and she was just going like, hi, hi, how are you yeah, yeah that whole thing about Michael Vick, yeah

did you really believe that? Is that really how you feel? yeah and I immediately knew I'm like, oh god this is a dog lover, here we go so I was just like okay ma'am, alright, I'm sorry I didn't like the show, you know they're just jokes, if you want to take them seriously

go ahead and take them seriously and then she just goes, yeah, yeah, yeah because your statements are really ignorant I just thought you should know that she's like nodding and smiling your statements are really ignorant it's like, first of all, why are you smiling? you know, that was the most annoying thing not that she came up to me

I mean, it's my own goddamn fault I fucking, not only do I go on stage and I say a bunch of stupid shit but then I stand there like an idiot selling DVDs I'm opening myself to somebody coming up to me and telling me to go fuck myself I don't have a problem with that

that comes with being a fucking shithead who sells DVDs at the end of the show so I totally could have avoided that I'm not complaining about that what I'm complaining about is people who are telling you to go fuck yourself but they're smiling

like, is that supposed to like mind fuck me? like, I'm not even going to notice what you're saying like, wow, it sounds like she's telling me to go fuck myself but she's smiling maybe I'm hearing this wrong and then she's like, your statements are really ignorant and she's nodding, like

you know what I mean, like that Bugs Bunny shit like, remember that? and the other guy would be like, yes, no, yes, no and then at some point he would switch and go, he would switch over his fucking argument and then the other guy would end up arguing Bugs Bunny's argument, that's what the fuck she was trying to do to me

your statements are really ignorant and she's like nodding like, I'm going to be like, yes, my statements were ignorant so I said lady so basically what you're telling me is because I don't agree with your point of view that that makes me ignorant and then she pulls this thing

and she's actually a member of the humane society alright you know first of all, who the fuck breaks out credits during an argument you know what I mean, she says it, right I'm a member of the humane society like it's supposed to be like this dun dun dun

fucking moment, oh shit are you a member of the humane society? good lord, how many years of college did it take to get that? holy shit did you have to go through medical school to become a member of the fucking humane society? I actually for half a second was like wow

I actually thought that she was on the board of the humane society first of all, I don't even know what the fucking humane society is humane sounds like human to me, like you're into people but evidently it isn't, you're into fucking animals so I'm sitting here later on tonight, I'll fucking annoyed with this lady

this lady as Jerry Lewis would say, right I'm all fucking annoyed with this lady thinking like then I'm like wait a minute she's a member of the humane society you know I was a fucking member of

the fuck is that that thing, now of course I can't remember you know what I'm thinking right now is how fucked up my brain is I'm thinking apocalypse now amnesty international I knew it was an A, for some reason I thought there was a P I was a member of amnesty international

for like 2-3 years you know, that was against torturing people around the world and you know I became a member I gave them 25 bucks I went on the internet and I gave them 25 bucks I have no fucking idea what they did with the money

I don't know if they stopped someone from getting tortured I don't know if they just took that money and they both, you know, couple of them went out to a movie they had 25 bucks we'll go to the matinee, you know, it's probably 8 bucks each it's enough for some popcorn too 2 tickets and a popcorn come on dude, we're not gonna stop

torture so that's what I did so let me go on the fucking internet let me look up this humane society and so I went to it humanesociety.org and sure enough, this is all you have to do to become a member

it's 19 dollars a month or whatever you can afford so I could give these fucking people a dollar a month and then I too could walk around and be a total fucking cunt and throw out my credit that I am a member of the humane society

and you know what, I'm gonna fucking join the humane society at 1 dollar so the next time I do this Michael Vick bit when one of these fucking psycho people comes up to me having memory of the humane society oh shit, you know what, so am I holy shit, I can't believe I didn't see it at the meeting

oh that's right, neither one of us go to him there is no fucking meetings a member of the humane society you would have fucking I can't believe she threw that out like she was on fucking like she just did the tonight show I'm the head of NBC you will never get a show on my network

that's the way the fuck she was saying it god damn it, it got worse it got worse, so you know me someone's being a cunt to me, no one can out cunt me so I'm actually upset with myself because I allowed her to make me mad as you can tell considering it's fucking

12 hours later and I'm still talking about it alone in my hotel room with the drapes pulled clothes this is how I always do it on the road fucking sitting around like Howard Hughes yeah so then she goes I remember the humane society and blah blah blah blah and I said look

okay you know why do people take comedy seriously those are stand up comedy show I'm not doing I can't even begin to tell you guys how many times in my act I say that I'm a moron you guys listen to my podcast

you know I'm a moron, actually some people don't I had some guy send me this fucking email this week on bill for the love of god stop talking about banks you sound like a moron read this shit what do you mean read this shit that just goes against everything that I am I don't fucking read

and like I love how you talked about those banks you sounded like a moron and what when I talked about the other shit I sounded intelligent it's a fucking podcast just stand up back I don't I don't

you know what here I go again I'm allowing myself to get fucking worked up about this shit so anyways a couple more back and forth go and then she just realizes that I don't give a fuck I said something like well you know what you should do ma'am is what I always say when somebody

just says that they don't you know enjoy me and they just want to keep telling me how much they don't enjoy my act what I always say to them I was like well you know what you should do you should never come to one of my shows again that'll show me right

so then she finally realizes that I don't give a shit about our humane society fucking credit that she basically purchased you know it's well you know what being a member of the humane society is less respectful than when they give some famous person an honorary degree

because at least the celebrity didn't fucking pay for it he didn't go to SyracuseUniversity.org and give $19 so he could be like I have an honorary degree from fucking Syracuse University you know so anyways so that's what I said

so let's lady you know you know what you should do you should never come to one of my shows again that'll show me and at this point there's kind of some people around me that are starting to laugh so then this girl just you know who's a member of the humane society because she cares so much then she just starts going for my jugular

she goes yeah well you know smiling and nodding right this creepy fucking smile and this whole time too she's got a clump of lipstick on her upper lip she's one of these girls you could tell was hot when she was in her 20s and now she's doing the worst thing that you can do

you know so she looks like you know one of the real housewives of fucking Tupelo Mississippi or wherever the fuck she's from right and she's going she's going oh yeah yeah well you're doing great right you're doing great you're here at the punchline huh you're doing great and I'm like

yeah you know shows kind of seem to be selling well she goes now yeah it's great you know you're on HBO and now you're here you know and it's like lady so are you you're here too and you fucking paid to come here to watch me what is your fucking

point and she's like and I didn't pay I didn't pay whatever and then she said something to you she started talking really then she did that that that that thing you know what how women have confrontations like that was what they do is they stop talking to you and then

they start talking to their friend really loudly about you and she starts going that guy's a fucking piece of shit the funny thing was when she couldn't have been more than five feet away from me and she's yelling it that guy's a fucking piece of shit

and then that's when I told her you know lady you know I really didn't want to tell you this but you got a big you got something on your upper lip and I didn't want to bring it up but now you're being a jerk and she goes it's lipstick I don't know I don't even want to happen after that that point I was actually mad

and and I don't know I kind of blamed the whole evening on not drinking if you can fucking believe it you know because I usually enjoy doing the road and now this is my third weekend that I've done

where I have not had a drop of alcohol and now I finally understand why comedians want to get off the road I never realized how many fucking morons there are out here because I was drunk

and I was part of the problem but now now I'm sober I think I'm talking about myself like I'm actually a fucking alcoholic I'm not I'm just a fucking lonely loser and that's what I do I have a couple of beers talk a little shit that's it Bill denial

that's the first fucking stage of it VJ sing oh what a shot Jesus Christ from the fringe oh you know what that was from yesterday don't you fucking hate when you do that when you're watching sports you ever done that in a sports bar you looked away for a second

and you didn't realize it was a replay from a month again somebody hits a homerun you're like yeah fucking out of here you're like the only guy nah dude that was from my last Tuesday they were playing the Rangers you're like oh I thought that was from now you want another case of Dia

you know what I like about VJ sing they're fucking douchebags nowadays they're trying to bring back that rat pack swagger and you can't you can't do it and the only guy I don't know why I don't know why you can't wear shirts the way they wore shirts back then

you can't wear that fucking little Bing Crosby hat the way they wore it I don't know why I have no fucking idea why Frank and why Dean and Sammy and all those guys look so fucking smooth I have no idea why

but I was watching this golf the other day I gotta admit fucking VJ sing he's got a little swagger to him plus he said that that hateful shit against women which really lines up with their generation remember that

back then weren't they just like beating their women with a mop handle every time they didn't have their roast beef and mashed potatoes ready or some shit I don't know what so anyways I had a I'm trying to figure out why that lady bugged me so much last night

I you know it was just I don't know I felt I was pissed at myself that I got mad and then I was also mad at myself that I stand there like a fucking idiot selling DVDs um you know I don't know

it really just made me want to be like why don't I just go to the green room after shows and I'll do my shows and then you know whatever I'll get an email and you know I don't know you fucking sit there dancing around like a monkey boy for 50

50-55 minutes I haven't even did an hour of that show I can't even remember then they have somebody come up to you and just fucking say that you're a piece of shit because of a joke and then there are women so you can't like you know you know what was funny was she was with a guy

so the whole time she's given me shit it's like I don't want to lose so I'm giving her shit back but at the same time I got to keep my eye on the dude and also like not go too far because then I got like a physical confrontation with the dude which I don't want to have

I'm 41 years old last time I had a fight 35 that was with my brother in a red roof in that's an entirely different story and that doesn't count either because your brother's going to stop at some point because he has to answer to your dad you know I can't fucking remember right

I ain't no tough guy I tell jokes right so I don't want to get into this guy you know it's funny the entire time the guy had his back to me and he was trying to get the woman out of the club and that's the exact kind of guy who goes out with a woman like that and vice versa if it's a loud mouth douche bag guy

they always have a little mousy girl because nobody who actually would speak their mind would ever rate dating somebody like that man or woman they would be like are you out of your mind are you out of your mind right now you know it's a joke

this guy's telling jokes or whatever you made your point now you're just going to stand here screaming I don't know I don't know it was a fucked up night then I had the next show I'm on stage and I'm doing my act and I'm having a great time and you know

I told the story about the woman I called her a cunt and I felt like I got that out and everything was going great then all of a sudden this this lady just walks up to the stage I'm in the middle of my act she's like can you say happy birthday

to my friend Heather it was like lady could you act like maybe I'm fucking in the middle of doing a show at some point I don't know it was a fuck it was a weird it was just a weird night and then after that then I went over to the club 290 next door

as I always end up doing and this time this is the first time I went in there and I wasn't drinking and I realized how fucked up that place was it was this dude came up to me right and this whole week I've really been having a difficult time understanding some of these people who live

outside of Atlanta their fucking accents this I'm standing there talking to a couple of people from the club and this guy just comes up to me he's like will I'm like what he's like will he's sticking his hand out

and I thought he was saying like will you like he would start the sentence like will you stop standing there will you buy me a drink evidently he was saying his name he was introducing himself his name was William but he was going will

will will and I was like what alright but this is one of those bars everybody every other person seemed like they were on fucking coke and I don't know this is just peterin out

I don't know I'm just fucking I've had enough and I usually do Thursday through Saturday and something fucked up happened this weekend well now I'm doing Friday, Saturday, Sunday and somebody asked me this question last week like asked me if Sunday was a depressing day on the road I don't know if you listen to my past

podcasts I think I answered that yes it is Sunday is the fucking worst you know two shows Friday, three shows Saturday you know the big peak and you want to fucking leave and then you got to hang around the entire fucking day to do one more

50 minutes set and then you got to flying on Monday which is the fucking worst you know I like flying on Sundays you know flying across the country everybody still asleep they go into church you know they're waking up from a hangover

finishing that last slice of dominoes I don't know what they're doing but they're not on the road driving so when I land at the airport I just grab my shit I jump in a cab and I'm fucking back at my place you know you fly back on a Monday the UPS trucks the FedEx guys

are out there right fucking homeless people laying in the streets it's just fucking horrific so anyways I had such a great week too I had a great week one of the people who listens to my podcast works over at the Capitol Records

place and they invited me over there to go on a tour which I did this past week and I got to tell you it was the greatest tour of anything I've ever taken ever do you remember Geraldo Rivera when he did Al Capone's vault

and everybody thought it was going to be the greatest fucking thing ever remember how great you thought it was going to be like what the fuck is going to be in that safe and you were like there's no way this is going to suck and it just didn't live up to it whatever your expectations of that were this was 20 times that

it was unbelievable the guy basically explained it ahh and I'm saying the guy because I don't use people's names on this he was basically explaining that the Capitol Records building is basically a functioning museum meaning

that there's a bunch of shit that they're still using that really should be in a museum I walked into the room where Frank Sinatra sang all those songs Luck be a Lady Dean Martin all them

they had Nat King Cole's piano and they had this little metal chair they were like yeah that's Frank Sinatra's chair and I'm looking at it and I'm like that's not fucking Frank Sinatra's chair that looks like it should be in an IPS class that was like one of those science room classes and later on in the tour he was showing all these black and white photos

because I guess back in the day the Capitol Records label had their own photographer and they took all these fucking pictures and by the way Frank and Dean never looked bad at any moment they had one picture of Dean Martin eating a bowl of soup and he looked like a fucking million bucks but anyways then you look at the photos

and there's that fucking chair they had a microphone over there that said Frank oh yeah that's Frank Sinatra's microphone and then they just use it you know I gotta just fight absolutely fucking blew me

everything and I can't even like they had like the masters of like the band you know that group like they just had them laying not like laying in the corner they were gonna be doing something with them I fucking actually got to hold it in my hand

I don't know if you're a music geek that is the that was the place to go and not to mention later on that afternoon one of my favorite drummers of all time Steve Jordan was recording with some huge artist

and they actually you know what sucked was they had already recorded his drum shit so he was gonna be doing I guess some some percussion shit and all I wanted to see was his kit set up in the studio I wanted to see but I fucking missed it by a day but other than that

then I got to go on top of the building you know like I was fucking Dice Clay and Ford Fairline unbelievable view it was the greatest fucking thing I've ever done and I if I was more articulate I could explain how awesome it was

so I want to thank everyone over at Capital Records for being so fucking cool that was the greatest tour of anything I've ever taken and when I come to one of my shows if you bring 40 friends I will still hook you up that's how great that tour was so there we go look at me I'm bringing it

around to something positive that fucking twat from the humane society oh wait a minute I can donate by phone you want to hear me do this? let's see how easy it is to fucking join the humane society

of America you think they answer on Sunday do they make their people work on Sunday? that's not very humane is it? three nine three nine alright let's see if we can do this

oh wait I'm going to have to give my credit card number over and you guys can't hear this what? oh wait the same the numbers been changed or disconnected oh fuck you computer woman I'm joining the humane society

I cannot fucking wait for the next dog lover to come up to me taking that joke seriously I'm a member of the humane society so am I I have your credit too ma'am and I got it in the time that it takes to write a check so stand down alright

and why don't you blot your fucking lips before you walk out of the fucking house good film Mickelson you know what you gotta love about Phil Mickelson that guy always goes for the pin you ever notice that shit he just doesn't give a fuck and then he four putts

the guy's on in two and then he four putts so anyways let's get to the podcast questions this week my phone is vibrating you know what's weird I have not drank in so long and I still feel hungover cause I stayed up till four in the morning last night couldn't go to sleep

so fucking pissed alright here we go let's get to some of the stuff okay YouTube videos if you would like a laugh this week for some reason I only have one of them I don't know why I know I got more I get busy I fly around sometimes I fuck up

this is actually a cool video watch it's Snuffbox Boyfriend scenes SNUFF Snuffbox Boyfriend scenes and I think you'll enjoy that I got a couple other ones but people will kind of send me stuff

that I just feel like they're just classic YouTube videos like who hasn't seen that woman who you know she stomps the grapes you know she's having that competition and then she falls out of the thing and then she goes oh oh oh oh oh

you know cause she got the wind knocked out of her and I know that sounds like I'm doing a fucked up impression that's exactly what she sounds like and if you don't believe me let's fucking bring up that video right now shall we let's see stomp

stomping grapes let's see if that'll work did that just fucking work of course it didn't I really don't like typing with one hand stomping grapes

and I'm telling you it's literally oh oh here we go here we go listen to how she does this just fall off the fucking thing shut up shut up

alright here they go sorry I'm trying to fast forward to this shut up why can't you fast forward these videos better and now it won't fucking play god damn it you know what do I have to start this podcast over again this is so fucking horrific go play

there we go there we go you know what go fuck yourself I'll play it later on while the damn thing's gonna load up alright you know what I feel like right now I feel like one of those news guys who I just threw it to the field and then the story's not there and I gotta stand there smiling

and I'm like oh okay now there's nothing on the teleprompter for me to read so I feel like a fucking moron alright let's go to ask bill hey bill I want to be a stand up my friends say that I am funny I wrote down about five minutes of shit I thought was funny and I did a little stand up

back to my brother he laughed and said it was great I have dangerously low self-esteem in myself and the fact that I don't usually like to laugh at myself when I'm writing jokes by myself I usually laugh at a joke I tell when I say it in front of people

and I realize how crazy it sounded I live in a small town so there's not really any stand up clubs there is a place called the coffee connection which has an open mic there I am a little nervous to go because I don't want to bomb and completely destroy my confidence I have to actually become a comedian I'm not afraid

to talk in front of people I just don't want to fuck up in front of other people but here is where a bigger problem comes in at my high school they have a talent show around the end of the school year if I got up there and did shit and didn't make anybody laugh

everyone that didn't know me at the school would think I'm some dusty cunt that just was up there for the attention I think I would just use the classic I was just fucking around I wasn't even serious on the outside I would still feel like shit do you have any advice that could help me

yes I do alright first of all having low self-esteem and sort of hating yourself you have the foundation for becoming a comedian you got to give yourself permission to suck and you got to give yourself permission to grow in the beginning

which means you have to go out and you have to perform in front of people that you don't know the fucking thing that you want to do not knowing how to do stand up would be to go on in front of your entire high school I mean

that you know what maybe that takes the fact that you're even considering doing that you have way more balls than I ever had at your age so you're already fucking ahead of me and not to mention that you're still in high school

and you're already starting it in grade 3 almost 24 so you're way ahead of the game there's no fucking reason to put yourself into that situation unless you feel confident you know if you feel confident you feel like you're going to destroy

who knows you might bang one of them fucking cheerleaders there but then that would probably boost yourself confidence you'd be like well maybe I'm not a douche and then you just get some regular job and you're never getting to show business um but I digress you gotta um you know something I did stand up

and for the first year I didn't tell and none of my friends even knew I was doing it I think one of them knew and nobody saw me for the first year I wouldn't let anybody come my family knew that I was doing it and I would not let any of them come out to see me do it and um

I didn't let my parents first saw me I started in March of 1992 and my parents first came out to see me in March of 1993 and I've always been blown away by comedians um they'll go their first time

ever on stage and they invite everyone from their office to come down the place where they work to watch them do stand up and I'm just like dude do you realize what it's going to be like if you fucking bomb and you have to go to work the next day

I mean why would you set yourself up I mean it's just I don't know so what I would do my advice to you is is first of all don't worry about having low confidence or low self-esteem or whatever the hell it is you don't have to worry about that

your confidence will build as you do it but what you have to do is just you just go out and go do open mics you'll get in the click of other open micers you'll make some friends and then you become like this little platoon you know and it's like you against the world

okay you're gonna bomb all your open micro friends are gonna bomb you're gonna bomb you're all gonna fucking do it it sucks but it's the best stories you'll ever tell in your life and later on in your career you're gonna look back and tell some stories

I mean I'll tell you know what would be a hell of a fucking story is if you went up in front of your entire fucking high school and you ate your balls I mean that's some shit like later on in your career if you you know if you were starring in a movie and you needed a panel story like Letterman or fucking Conan

I mean that would be a hell of a one to tell so that's I mean it's hard for me to tell you what to do as far as whether you should do that high school show or not all I can go is with my gut the fact I got like scared reading your email thinking

just putting myself in your position of like just picturing myself at 17 18 if I ever went on in front of my high school and try to tell jokes I mean I probably there would have been a bucket of blood above me and would have poured down

on me just like that movie Carrie would have been bad you know I gotta admit halfway through that I just thought what if I killed though you know see you're like a junkie you just keep fucking chasing it alright so don't worry about it man just fucking have fun

go out sign up for some open mics and just do it in bars where they're showing football games they're looking at you and you just learn get tough that way that's what I would do you know and if you want to do the high school show by all means fucking go for it personally I wouldn't do it but that but I'm coming from

a place of fear so you know if you got the balls go ahead and do it but if you do it I want to hear the results so please email me back alright but other than that don't worry about you know second guess in your material and all that stuff and thinking stuff sucks that's just a part of it in the beginning okay

if you think you're awesome when you first start out you usually end up being a hack you know and you're out there you know what's the deal with Michael Jackson I'm fucking great alright I hope that helped you out okay alright any next question Bill um

I want to ask you about how you felt about parents taking their kids on planes recently I had a flight to Denver back from Los Angeles not a long flight but I was absolutely exhausted and looking forward to the two hours of not talking to people and hoping to maybe catch a nap

I had no such luck a young couple with their two year old brat sat behind me and proceeded to let their kid kick the back of my seat and scream repeatedly it was awful I don't blame the kid two year old kids they they kick and scream that's what they do but the kids parents

did nothing to control their child other than saying you shouldn't do that what really pissed me off was that we were when we were landing they were asking their child what he wanted for dinner and this is written in capital letters are you fucking kidding me

two year olds don't get options 12 year olds don't get options 20 year olds don't get fucking options if they're living in your house and you're paying for everything as we were getting off the plane I was hoping these people would have the decency to apologize for their kid kicking the back of my seat

but of course they didn't I thought about telling these people that they ought to both get they ought to both get fixed because they were absolute assholes and all they were doing was raising another absolute asshole and adding one more to the fucking population but I kept my mouth shut

because people like that see nothing wrong with their behavior so what's the fucking point anyway have you ever have you ever had an experience like this did you think about saying something did you actually say something alright great question

I gotta be honest with you when I'm on a plane and a kid starts crying I don't know why I can't explain it but it makes me laugh and it makes me laugh watching other people get fucking annoyed because I don't know somewhere along the line I just sorta let go of that

it's like look these people they have kids just like you said they can't control them and that's it but I will tell you this if you have a kid and it's in the fucking thing because at two year old it's not a person yet it's a fucking thing the fucking thing is kicking the back of the seat

of the person in front of me in front of you you have to do something about that alright they got little short little fucking legs at that point all you gotta do is just scoot them back and they won't be able to they won't be able to kick the back of the seat now I might be fucking ignorant here because I never had a little

two year old thing and I might be oversimplifying this because I really have sympathy for for people in that situation I mean what are you supposed to do I mean in a perfect world you could just knock the kid out but you wouldn't want to do that it's a kid you can't punch a kid

I mean you can but then you'd have to talk to somebody from the fucking humane society you know what the fuck I'm saying you know what I mean perfect world you could just tie him to the seat and he wouldn't move but you'd psychologically damage with him you know damage the kid and then you gotta live with him for at least another 16 years

before he fucking moves on to community college so have I ever said anything no I have never said anything I would never say something like you know do you understand also like when the planes landing you know like when your ears are popping like little kids

they don't know what to do but I've definitely given some people some not even like what the fuck I give them that look like really you just gonna let the kids sit there and this is another thing too if your kid is freaking out if you're just making a fucking effort even if you can't stop

the kid from freaking the fuck out just make an effort this is weird I'm gradually agreeing with this person more and more just make a fucking effort that's all when people are just sitting there and letting the kid cry I mean I don't know if they're doing an experiment because I've heard like

if you pick a baby up every time he cries then it learns okay all I have to do is cry and then I get this comfort if you're trying to retrain him I don't know if you're gonna retrain him could you do it at home hahaha I think they should sedate kids there you go yeah I just said that

you know just come in with the fucking have one of those fucking World War 2 psycho doctors just come in with an old fashioned needle you just drug them up or maybe they could have like a fucking a glassed in area do you guys ever have that like the crying room in church you put your kids way in the back

and they just be behind glass you know so they wouldn't interrupt the priest scaring the living shit out of you that you're gonna be going to health maybe they should have that down by the luggage anyways so no I've never said anything yes I've wanted to say some things but

you know by the end of it you know when you're actually gonna say something the flights over anyways and I had some part of flying isn't it some kids screaming anyways alright what am I moving on to the next part of the podcast

oh wait is this video loaded up yet remember my impression ow ow okay here we go here we go see I told you ow ow ow stop you know what that was

that's the first time she ever got the wind knocked out of her so she didn't know what to do that's what I sounded like when I was five the first time that happened to me and the first thing you learn is when you get the wind knocked out of you is to shut the fuck up because anyone if you try to talk when you get the wind knocked out of you that's what the fuck you sound like

so you learn afterwards once you get your breath back you're like wow I really sounded like a fucking idiot and I was going you know you just fucking can anybody explain that phenomenon what is that

and why no matter how hard you're trying to breathe in does your breath keep exhaling or just pushing out you know it's like when you it's like you're having a dry heave but you're not puking you know just for those of you like I dated a girl

one time she was like 27 years old she'd never had the wind knocked out of her in her life which I thought was one of the most adorable things I'd ever heard you know it was like she was living under glass or something but anyways why is you know

do you know how many fucking times that happened to me as a kid that was like what we did me and my you know had four brothers that's what we did as a kid that's what you did and your brother wasn't paying attention you didn't even have to do it hard that was great you just gave him a fucking rap right in the stomach

does all the wind literally go out and why can't you just why can't you just breathe in why am I acting like you guys are fucking doctors why this isn't just a bunch of truckers just forget it you know what I want something to attempt you know what half the people who are gonna fucking answer this question

are gonna do exactly what I'm gonna do at the end of this fucking podcast which is just look it up and then give me the wikipedia reason alright here we go here's some questions for the week um on a different not that's what someone just wrote I think they wanted to say no on a different not

I was wondering what did you think of the song Baba O'Reilly by the who I recently started listening to rock music and I thought that this song was incredible is it or am I just some dumb fuck no you're not you're a young kid and you're discovering the who and they are the shit I would get who's next

I would get live at Leeds start with that just just surf the internet they got some great shit um dear bill how much drinking do you typically do during the week um you're out on the road all of the time working places that serve booze and it seems like

would be tempting to drink pretty often out of boredom and loneliness I think I already to answer this at least I could see myself doing that if I were traveling comedian is it tough to avoid being a lush uh yeah kind of is you basically become an alcoholic

out of uh like proximity you know it's just there it's one of those deals where you know I don't know if you were in a bar four nights a fucking week I would think the odds of you drinking would would go up uh exponentially yes I just said that

so yeah it is it is hard to not uh to not drink I already answered this shit you know I don't know but I gotta tell you it's fucking boring as hell to be out here this not drinking

has actually put me on edge um I mean the way I've lived this week out here on the road if I lived my entire life like this I could run for president and I wouldn't have to hire I wouldn't need any hush money

okay I've worked out the first day I went to the grocery store I bought food I got a little fridge here I've been eating healthy I went to the gym every single day I even brought my little practice drum pad thing with me fucking around learning some rudiments

I wrote jokes okay I looked at some internet porn alright right there that would fucking lose a gubernatorial fucking race gubernatorial or whatever the fuck they say it but you know that's the last thing if I could just cut out the fucking internet

porn um I would be completely bored that's you know I gotta tell you that's what I am right now I am sober right now and I am not feeling this this unbelievable fucking high of like wow

I can't believe all this shit I'm I was missing all I'm thinking right now is I can't believe how fucking long the day is you know thank god I stayed up until four in the morning last night so I didn't wake up until eleven you know but then you end up feeling like a loser cause now it's already fucking one

I don't know I think I'm done everybody if I don't drink I don't think I can do the road anymore and I don't think I'm gonna be fucking selling DVDs after my show I just I'm not fucking doing this anymore I'm not gonna be stones fucking sober and just seeing a mirror image of what a fucking moron I've been all these years

alright overrated underrated um I didn't I don't know that I actually got any this week so I actually threw in a couple of mine I probably got some and I just it's tough during the weeks I traveled to try to save all these fucking emails between my blackberry and this this computer here so

uh overrated I say expensive jeans I remember when you know if you had a pair of Levi's you were cool you were in the club right and what were they 30 40 bucks and then people all of a sudden diesel jeans that was the first expensive jeans I remember

and this girl was talking me into buying them and they were like 180 bucks 160 bucks this is you know this is like eight years seven years ago I remember like $180 for a pair of fucking jeans is ridiculous I could buy four or five pairs of Levi's and she says like no but you'll see

the quality is better they last longer and you know what they don't I think they look a little better I think nice jeans look better like at this point then like you know there's no I mean I think we can all agree there's nothing worse than gap

jeans you know and they have like that sort of not quite stonewashed look to them but you know they just look you just look broke I notice a lot of white dudes and like they're 30s and 40s will be wearing those and they'll have like a button

down sort of like I'm gonna go see Jimmy Buffett shirt on and they'll tuck it into that and then they'll have a pair of dirty white all white Seinfeld sneakers on and it is just like wow dude you are fucking married with children

because that is if ever there was the anti pussy that is the anti everything that is just the asexual outfit that you could possibly be wearing so I've been one of these guys who get sucked into buying you know more of these expensive jeans and these fucking things they wear out

they wear out just like you know you want to make your jeans last you got to buy like fucking five pairs and you got to revolve them that's how you make them last but if you're wearing them you know every two to three days like I do like a fucking I'll tell you who's the most filthy as mother fuckers

out there are musicians I can't believe I forgot to tell this story right? Last week when I was flying back from Providence Rhode Island I decided to upgrade to first class I just said fuck it you know I'll deal with the the the fucking credit card bill

it was one of those deals where I just didn't want to fly and I'm so sick of fucking flying and they were like hey do you want to upgrade to first class and I was like of course I do and they go well we're just going to put our Virgin Island fucking airline dick in your ass

and I was like you know what I don't give a shit go ahead and rape me I want to fucking sit in a lazy boy the entire fucking ride across the country so that's what I do so I'm sitting down and on the plane comes this skinny dude with his big titted girlfriend and they're like is there any way

you could switch seats with that so we could sit together and I was like absolutely fucking loopy if I was in coach right now I'd give you a dirty look and maybe give you some sort of bullshit I'm superstitious I'm not changing my seat fuck you and your love affair but I was in first class so now I'm affable

absolutely so I walked over and I sat in my seat and they were fucking sitting there the first thing this dirty ass magician does he's got these flip-flops on right and his fucking toes it looks like you know now I know why people wash Jesus' feet

I can tell you okay this fucking guy, he looked like a bird of prey that's the only way to describe his fucking toenails and everything and he did the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever seen a human being do halfway through the flight this motherfucker gets up

to use the bathroom on the airplane and I'm going to say that airplane bathrooms are some of the dirtiest fucking bathrooms ever just from turbulence alone and the fact that it's so fucking cramped this dirty motherfucker

he got up in his bare feet and just walked into the bathroom in his fucking bare feet I couldn't believe it I was just, there's no fuck there's no fucking way there was no fucking and he just walked right in there

I mean he should have got a tetanus shot when he came out I couldn't fucking believe it how filthy is that and you know what kills me women love fucking love musicians absolutely love them cannot get on their knees quick enough

to jump down into their crab infested pubes and stick that fucking reed in their mouth you know could give a fuck, could give a fuck about comedians what are women doing at the end of the comedy show they come up and they say you're a loser

you talk and work and then talk about what a piece of shit you are really loudly which brings me to my underrated underrated for the week learning how to play an instrument unbelievably underrated you know because if you really stick with it

you can get in a band and I say even if you suck you're gonna get some pussy and if not it's just so much better than reading and it's better than you know you read what are you doing you getting smarter so what are you making the person's day next to you better

you're not but if you actually learn how to play guitar you can play drums or something like that I don't know I just think it's a great fucking thing you know I'm actually excited because I actually you know I told you guys I bought this Les Paul guitar and by the way God rest his soul you know Les Paul died this week and I'm really bummed I never got a chance

to see that guy that guy was still playing shows every Monday night in New York City and when I was back in New York for the month of June I actually tried to go see the guy and unfortunately the night I was open where I could go see him he was he wasn't performing

that night so I didn't get a chance to see him and I'm really sad about it because I don't know that guy is legendary I'm trying to see who I would put that guy up with I mean he's right

up there with for me anyways all the inventors I'm so stupid Jesus Christ Billy you're gonna put him up there with Einstein the light bulb because the guy fucking did something with the guitar you know what I'm gonna in my world it's important if you guys if you're not if you're not into uh if you don't play

an instrument or anything like that just just Google images for a Gibson Les Paul and just look at how beautiful that guitar is it's literally a fucking work of art and even if I didn't attempt to play guitar I think I would still own one rather than going out

and buying a painting I would actually buy a Les Paul because that's how fucking beautiful they are but anyways I'm actually learning how to play guitar and uh last week I discovered drop detuning and it might have been the greatest sound

I think I've ever produced as a human being on that Les Paul it just fucking sounded unbelievable and uh I can't wait to get back to my apartment to take out that guitar to not read to not watch TV and be informed on what's going on

in the world so I can continue to sound like a moron on this podcast so some people can continue to take me seriously and tell me how fucking dumb I am even though that is my point of view what am I talking about alright let's wrap up with this now you know what we have to do we actually have to hype some of my shit

okay and by we I mean me I need to get better at this type of stuff alright and this is what I am going to be hyping for the rest the biggest date that I have on the horizon for me believe it or not is my improv gig in Ontario California

okay I live in Los Angeles and I'm not able to perform out in the LA area because I have not shown to the clubs that I am a draw you know it's a weird I gotta get on the

Latino radio stations out there so I can get a significant portion of the population to at least kind of know who the hell I am because I don't want to get on a fucking plane every other week I just don't want to do it I just don't want to even once in a while

I would like to fucking just be able to get in a car and drive like I did when I lived on the east coast I'd drive down to Philly I'd drive up to Boston I'd make the fucking train down to DC you know so anyways I have this gig at the

Improv in Ontario California it's from September 17th through the 20th for the love of God can you and 58 of your closest friends buy some tickets and come out to that show I never beg people to come out to my shows maybe I do but I don't grovel

right now I'm groveling for the love of God please show up to that show so I can somehow during the year when I don't have to fucking you know just be sitting there and row 33

can I have your attention please this is a very full flight all of the overhead space is going to be used up so if you have one of your smaller smaller containers if you could just put it underneath your seat and please don't put your jackets

in the overhead compartments this is a very full flight and you know what everybody fucking blows it off and they're sticking lunchboxes and fur length fucking full length fucking coats as the ladies say in that so just once

our flying time is 4 hours and 58 minutes I would just you know every once in a while would like to not have to fucking listen to that so I could just perform in California so for the love of God

could you Southern California people I know you got a lot of options for the love of God can you come out to my show thank you alright other dates I have in September I'm going to be in Philadelphia this city of brotherly love did you guys beat the Braves last night I know that shit was going on

what do we got here helium comedy club I'm going to be there from September 10th through the 12th and I got a big date coming up in the improv Addison Texas 24th through the 26th possibly the 27th because I think I'm hanging around

on Monday night because the Cowboys got a football game and my life is awesome and I'm going to go to the fucking game and I'm going to look at those fucking blonde big titted fucking Dallas whores with their Mary K cosmetics you know who likes those broads is that guy from the playboy

the playboy what the fuck is his name there Hugh Hefner you know he's really into that Tex-Mex not Tex-Mex the fucking Tex-Arcana Oklahoma that big round pie face fucking bleach blonde looking girl

you know you know those girls I'm talking about hey you how y'all doing those fucking girls did you guys watch that show when he had those three girlfriends I only thought one of them was hot the other two were kind of a mess you know the athletic one she was fucking

smoking that girl was hot those other two girls I had absolutely no use for them just because you die your hair blonde and you're in shape doesn't mean you're good looking alright I know I got a lot of fucking nerve balding redhead fucking throwing down like that

alright let's fucking get on with it alright that's the podcast for this week that I did on a Sunday and I will be uploading this thing as I always do right around midnight just to make sure that I never post them on a Sunday then it would be a very special

Monday morning podcast and this one isn't special this was sort of me bitching which is sort of the standard so anyways I hope you guys all have a great week once again thanks to everybody over at Capital Records who let me take a tour of their building I had one of the greatest things I've ever gotten to do

all seriousness and please come out to my shows the next show I have coming up is in Stockholm Sweden so if anybody sees us listening to this if you live in Copenhagen Denmark evidently you can get in your car

and drive to fucking Sweden now huh or at least I just discovered you could you go over that bridge then to the island then into the fucking tunnel so why don't you come on over and watch me talk my shit that is all the date is August 29th when I'm doing it

alright I'm done babbling you guys have a good week alright take it easy we are dancing a black waltz fair Paris is burning after all is burning after all is burning after all is burning after all oh no

oh no oh no oh no I'm close to I'm close to this letter there's a picture black and white for your refrigerator

sticks and stones that made me smarter it's words that cut me under my armor they say I'm on your side when nobody is

cause nobody is cause nobody is come sit right here and sleep while I slow poison in your ear we are waiting on a telegram

to get us news of the war I am sorry to report dear Paris is burning after all we have taken to the streets and opened free choice, free mounting

we are dancing a black waltz fair Paris is burning after all is burning after all is burning after all oh no oh no oh no oh no

oh no oh no oh no oh no dance for people dance and love dance fair Paris to the floor

dance for people dance and love dance fair Paris is now dance for people dance and love dance fair Paris

to the ground dance for people dance and love dance fair Paris is now dance for people dance and love dance fair Paris

to the ground dance for people dance and love dance fair Paris to the ground dance fair Paris to the ground