Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-17-23

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

Bill rambles about the A.I. version of himself, hacky joke court, and bands that break up. AG1:  Take ownership of your health, try AG1 and get a free 1-year supply of Vitamin D, and 5 Free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase at www.drinkAG1.com/BURR  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, shit. How are you? How's your week going? Oh, that's fantastic. I had, oh my god, I'm going to sneeze. fantastic. I had, oh my God, I'm going to sneeze. This is one of those ones we just got to sit there and stare at something with your eyes, squinted, you know, blinking sort of in an odd way. And then it goes away. Whenever you announce, oh my God, I have to sneeze. You never do unless the sun is there and you can turn around and just stare down that demon. You know, there's a new theory out there that, you know, for all these years, all these people praying to the sun god, that the sun god is actually the devil hiding in plain sight. Every time they catch a serial killer, they're always hiding in plain sight.

Where are the other ones? Are they off the grid? They're all hiding in plain sight. They're in society. They are amongst us Would you come down from the fucking mountains like Bigfoot? Hey, man. Can you give me a blowjob? Right sort of an Elvis vibe I just want for the monet to full to show sticky in the truck and here we go. Sorry. Anyway, yeah, that's always great.

I have read something recently that the sun is not the sun. It's actually Satan, right? That's it guys. No full of shit when I go right. And the world is flat. And he's gonna cook us. That's what he's been trying to do all these years. So for all these years, he's been getting into these CEO's heads and just like, yeah man, keep doing that. Turn on that mountain, get the stuff that's in it.

The results of this by the time it happens, you'll be dead. Don't worry about it. That's for the next generation to deal with. And now it's time to pay the tolls and I blame the people that used your products after you that were playing the game that you set up. No, I didn't read anything that the sun was actually Satan. I had nothing to do with it. I tell you what is Satan. Let's talk about Satan this week. First of all, Satanists, before I learned a long time ago, don't believe in the devil. They just believe in doing what feels good for themselves, which means not watching their

children and doing blow three times a week. Sorry, head to head plus. The kid was screaming a yellow in the background. You ever take a vacation and you don't feel rested at all? If that's the case, you're a dad. I was gonna tell you what's been dropped. This is style of video. I think I've talked about it before.

I alluded to it. You know what I mean? What do people call that? When there's a Easter eggs, little Easter eggs in movies. If you catch it, you catch it if you don't, you don't. It's just a little Easter egg. You know, these little cool things in movies If you catch it, you catch it if you don't, you don't. It's just a little Easter egg, you know? These little cool things and movies are only for Christians.

Are we the only ones that believe in Easter? Bill, could you be any more all over the map? I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. My son, for whatever reason, likes to get up at two or three in the morning and just come walkin' in our room and then I gotta put him to bed and then he wants me, he won't sleep in his little boy bed. He sleeps in the guest room bed and then he wants me to get in there

and then he just fuckin' crawls all over me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me, kickin' me for about fuckin' three hours. And then what's funny is, right, is this sun goes up, he fucking passes out and I look at him

and it looks like he's been unloading, like, we're working on like UPS or something. Like he just got back from his shift. Like that's how hard he's sleeping. So, little sleep deprived, little deprived, not deprived, deprived. deprived, not deprived, deprived. Anyway, the style of video that's been driving me nuts is those videos where somebody's going to do something and it's just a bunch of quick edits with the sound of what they're

doing. Like if they were going gonna like, you know, like make some scrambled eggs, to be the sound of the bowl, hitting the counter. Tink. Crack the egg. Tink.

Into the bowl. Tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch one. Skillet, clink on, butter in. And you pour the thing in, and you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, close up of the key going into the door. Shhh. Then he turns it. And then they cut to his thumb, pressing on the button, and then the door opening, and then I'm sitting,

that's a shot of fucking car. Jesus, fucking Christ. Can you imagine if life was actually like that? Like sounds where that fucking intense, or at least showcased? If every time I wanted some scramble, who doesn't like scrambled eggs, right? Every time I had scrambled eggs, I had to endure that fucking process. I would, I don't know what I would do.

What else could you have? You know what? I'll have an apple. Then all I have to do is just watch you reach over grab it and then fucking hand it to me. No, they'd wash it. It is one of my favorite things. How somebody made a video like that. Somebody's like, oh my God, that's cool. I'm going to shoot something and then that in that style. And then everybody on fucking Instagram is like, we're all gonna do it too.

And you know what's great? Is it at no point will it become annoying and unoriginal? Just keep doing it. Oh, I am fucking wired. I can't wait, I'm going to the gym today. Old Billy Boy is going to the gym. The testosterone's going down, but the weights are going up.

Yeah, I'm at that age. I'm just losing muscle mass, you know. So what I got to do is what every guy does at my age. You either accept the fact that you're mortal or you do steroids. He's coming back. You know what's funny is I think there's so many people on the He's coming back. You know what's funny is I think there's so many people on Roids and HGH, a testosterone pills.

You know what's gonna become extinct is the, you know, the little old lady, the little old man, the cute little fucking, you know. Just going up, oh, and what do you do? Oh, that's lovely. Would you like to play some cards? Oh, that would be fantastic, right? That's all gonna go away.

It's just gonna be some fucking 80 year old guy pulling over. You want some of this smoke? I fucking see that one. He didn't want that smoke. He wanted all of that smoke. The smoke was there and he partook. How many ways can you dissect that fucking joke? Let's talk about Instagram hack.

Here's another one. Why don't somebody else graph an incident with fuck around versus find out. It's still funny. It's still funny, the 490th time a fucking video does that. Haven't said that. I was actually talking to me the other night, how unbelievably fucking funny it seems the average person is on Instagram. Like I'm a comedian, like, well actually, you know what, I'm kind of on those communities, average person is on Instagram.

Like I'm a comedian, like, well, actually, you know what, I'm kind of on those comedies, I do laugh a lot. I don't have like that, I don't do that, like look at something, you know, somebody fucking falls on their ass. And as he goes down, he grabs some fat woman's dress and rips it, you know, and I just don't look at it, be like, that's 40, you know what I mean?

Like I laugh my ass off, I love slapstick, okay? I'm stupid. Not a smart person. So people falling down, hurting themselves, you know, not injured, but just like, you know, Peter Griffin kind of is fucking hilarious to me. But anyway, last night I was going through, I kind of got away from reading.

I brought a book on fucking my vacation because I was just like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna be like a 35 year old woman who just got out of a relationship. I'm gonna stick my toes in the sand. I'm gonna read a book about, you know, the murder of Indians that we stuck on land that we didn't think was worth anything

that is now worth oil, that there was a bunch of oil on it. That's a good summertime read, right? And my kids would just, I don't, they'd just warm me out every day, we'd like, swim every single day, which was fucking awesome. But I have found that that's a myth. Like we're going to do this, we're going to gonna do that, we're gonna wear the kids out. No, you're not, you're gonna wear yourself out. And then you're gonna have two kids with like,

they're like self-charging batteries, you know? Like the more that they do, that the money, it like just stays charged. So last night, I did exactly what I said I was gonna do, is I was just on my phone watching Instagram videos. And of course, now I can't remember any of them because they were all like 40 seconds long. But what was that one that I saw? I was fucking dying. There was someone saying, what it's like to have a three-year-old, and she was like cooking

something. And then they just cut over, and somebody had like a baby, like a picture of a baby. And you know, they do that thing, like, remember how Conan O'Brien used to do the mouth on that bit where they were just like, you know, you do like Bill Clinton and all of that. They did that with the baby, and they were singing, oh, what was that fucking, I'm butchering the whole thing. They were singing a Sam Smith song and the baby through the F word and it,

something about him coming into your fucking house. And it was so stupid and so random. But I thought it was like brilliant. I'm like, how the fuck did they come up to that? So, you know something? Actually, I'm in quite bitching about hacky comedy on Instagram because it's kind of like stand-up comedy did they come up to that? So, you know something? Actually, I'm in quit bitching about hacky comedy on Instagram, because it's kind of like stand up comedy.

You know what I mean? There's a handful of really good comics and then there's some on their way to being in and then there's the other stuff. Why is Instagram just like the industry that I'm in? I'm hearing rumors that the strikes gonna be over soon. We'll see.

Oh, by the way, you know, I do that Thursday podcast with Verzi, but the new zoom agreement is that they fucking own all the content that you record on it. They own the content, right? And then they got some side deal evidently with some AI company because they're just for each person. Like it's so fucking nuts for each person. Not even anybody like, you know, in the public eye, each person, they're gonna like create a file and see how you work, you know, how your brain works

and the way you think in all of this type of shit. Like these people are gonna phase all of it. This is it right here. The robot replacements are coming. And I gotta tell you, I phase all of it. This is it right here. The robot replacements are coming. And I gotta tell you, I'm all for it. You think I give a, you think I still wanna do the fucking road? I'll have Gallagher too out there doing my fucking act. I don't give a shit.

Let some other cut take all the money. I don't give a fuck. All right? Hey, I loved your show down in Anime. That wasn't me. That was AI me. I was sitting on the porch, fucking watching John Bonham videos. I started a garden in my backyard. I'm growing my own vegetables. I'll do it in a second because the entertaining thing is going to be, is, you know, there's some stupid clip going around with this guy is just stroking the balls of capitalism and it was like from like 40 years ago.

And he's saying, well, you have to have a free market. You got to have a free market. This is the best, very good thing. And he's saying, he's's like this guy like like no Stardom is acting like capitalism is working acting like there is a free market. There isn't we're getting bullied By robber barons since the 1800s and they've slowly been swallowing up everything getting rid of the fucking middle class But you know that we still got the songs God bless

You know that we still got the songs God bless You know God giving right to say fuck you bitch with an AR 15 and fucking Transition to be in something you know all is fucking shit. We're screaming a yelling about it Meanwhile these cuts are taking all the money. So what I'm enjoying is That once they destroy everyone below the line, you know, below the line, which is anybody that doesn't meet under fuck, fuck mountain every year at the Bilderberg group. Once they destroy all of us and replace all of us, you know, I'm sure that that's like their end game. All right, that is it.

We finally have what we want. A bunch of slaves who do whatever we can, we don't have to pay them, and they will never revolt. They'll just do what we want. And then what's going to happen is like the disease of capitalism is you're never happy with what you have. You just want more and more and more, at least the way it's set up. Every quarter we must increase the profits a relative considered to a failure. We don't care who we have to crush, right? Eventually that's going to turn on them and that's one that's gonna get fun. You know, when AIMe comes in,

you know, because I've been told to, and I go in and I snap the neck, the virtual me goes in and snaps the neck of a web is running all these fucking banks. And then it's gonna get all the way down to one fucking person. It's going to be him because you know it's going to be him, you know. According to the Bible, it was him. It was him who made all the stuff and then did this other stuff to

Just gonna be him and all the AI people and then it's gonna be it and he's gonna own all the stadiums He's gonna own all the food. He's gonna own all the water all the land all the ocean all the food he's gonna own all of it He's gonna go over and he's gonna sit down and it's lazy boy and he's gonna go over and he's gonna sit down and his lazy boy and he's gonna go. That's gonna be it. That's gonna be the end of the human race. The last person sitting down in a lazy boy with a stuck handle and an exhale, that's my prediction. All right. And if you graph it on the fuck around and find out chart,

I just, you know what's, that's what I wish was done more. Because hack comedians, we call each other out all the time. I would tell you that back in the day at the seller, all those knuckleheads down there, they started this thing called hack court. And if somebody challenged your joke, you had to take your joke to hack court. In front of a jury of your peers and you had you had to defend your joke and the other comedian had said why it was hacky, why it was unoriginal, and what they hated about your joke, and then you had to stand there and you had to defend it.

And even if you won, even if you won, you could never fucking do it again at the seller, because they were so in your fuck. After you defended a joke for the better part of an hour, you know what I wish I did back in the day? I just said, listen, I'm not going to defend any of my act. I just want to throw myself on the mercy of this court. And then they would have laughed and then I wanted to trash all of them for being hacks. I used to get in a, I used to make fun of Patrice for going on stage and pretending that he re, that he, that he reads.

I mean, we had this stupid fucking joke used to drive me nuts. He'd be like, in America, they got capitalism. But in Russia, that shit is just like, and then he would just shrug his shoulders like, what the fuck? And everyone would go nuts laughing and all that type of stuff. And I used to tease him and go, you're tricking all these white people into thinking that you're reading. Like, wow, that big black guy, he knows about, you know, he knows about different forms of government. He was talking, sorry, he was talking about

four different countries. I'm like, no, he wasn't. No, he wasn't. He just brought him up. That's all that happened there. One of the few times I got him. I think my record against him was like one in 36,000. No, no, no. I beat him another time too. I beat him another time too. And I beat him so bad he actually got mad. Anyway, plowing a head.

What did I want to talk about? I know. I didn't bring this up. So back when I was down, Math is vineyard. This buddy of mine, I did a movie with, goes by the name of Joe McIntyre, who's in a group called New Kids on the Block, was doing a solo tour. He's doing a solo tour and he was at the Cape Cod Melody 10. And I ran into him over this summer,

or earlier this year, and he said, hey, you know, any chance you're gonna be back east, he goes, I would love for you to come on and do a few minutes on that show, and I was like, dude, I would love to. So it turns out, when he was there, I was at Martha's Vineyard. So we came over for the night, and that's one of my favorite venues, because it's deceivingly large.

I forget what it holds, but because it's in the round, it feels like 300 people, and it's more like, you know, 3,000 people. I don't know what the hell it is. Right now somebody's going to Wikipedia and they'll send me the exact number. Oh, maybe you should go fucking beauty. So anyway, I go there and I show up

and lo and behold who else is there? Donnie Wahlberg, right, who's going to be like a surprise guest. And And I'm not gonna lie to you, the whole time I'm going over there. I'm thinking about the new kid's crowd and my standup. I'm like, I don't see a point where this is gonna intersect. And I kind of told Nia as we were going over, I go, I'm not gonna lie to you, dude. I'm kind of fucking nervous about this. And she's like, don't call me dude. And I'm like, sorry, when I get nervous, I just talk to you like you one of my guy friends.

And she's like, well, I don't appreciate that. And I was like, really? None of that happened, it all happened in my head. I just said, I'm nervous about this shit, right? So I went over there. I think I had met Donnie briefly, like 10 years ago, in the north end. I wanna say Joe brought me out.

He went to go meet him for lunch or something like that. I met him briefly, but this is the first time I actually met him. Great fucking guy. Got to shoot the shit with him, and I got to watch the crowd go nuts when he went up on stage. But before they brought him up on stage, only was super nice to my wife. It was just, they're both of them, just couldn't have been nicer.

And then the crew of people that they hung around with, like, the vibe was great. You could just see this is like 30 years of being on the road. Everybody gets along. Everybody has their quirks and everybody's bustin' balls. It was just fuckin' awesome. And it was so chill that I kind of forgot that I had to go on. Everybody gets along. Everybody has their quirks and everybody's bustin' balls. It was just fuckin' awesome. And it was so chill that I kind of forgot that I had to go on. So the show starts. Fucking Joey Matt goes down there. These chicks are fuckin' screaming.

It's like Beetlemania. I'd never been to something like that. All right, I grew up and the shows I went to, I don't know if the chicks were screaming. The fucking guitars were so goddamn loud. That's why my ears fucking ring forever. You didn't know what was going on. I didn't know what they were saying.

You know, it was just like, it was so fucking loud. It was actually really stupid. How the level of loud that the show was was so stupid, but that was back when it was like, if it's too loud, you're too old, man. Dumb shit like that, and people didn't understand that from the first note that they were giving everybody permanent hearing damage, which is true.

Anything 120 decibels, you get up to that level. It's immediate permanent. You might not notice it, but there's some degree of permanent damage. So anyway, yeah, I'd never heard women scream so they're fucking screaming and I'm just sitting there. I'm like freaking out. So I was saying to Donnie, oh dude, I could be honest with you. I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm just sitting there. I'm like freaking out. So I was saying to Donnie, oh, dude, I got me on,

I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do I was like, yeah, you're gonna be fine, you're gonna be fine, you know? And then my head I'm going, he's just saying that. He's being a good guy and he's just saying that. I'm not gonna be fine. Like so much of my shit is misogynistic and that fucking sounds, that crowd sounds like there's not one guy

in it. So anyways, as I'm sitting back there, I'm freaking out, you know, who sends me a text message before I go out to reassure me, huh? To let me know, you know, this is why I love her. I'm backstage, she knew I was backstage freaking out, you know, because I didn't want to go out there in bomb and then say something fucked up and get into it with someone in the crowd.

Then I'm fucking up somebody else's show. So I'm really nervous. So, and my wife knew it, so she reached out, and this is the, this is the text she said me. It's a tent full of women that love Joey, baby. Don't piss them off. They're really happy.

And then she's, with two crying emojis after it, like laughing, crying. And I was just like, all right, what am I gonna do? And at the last thing, as I was walking down there to go on, I was like, well, I'm in Martha's Vineyard, I'll just make fun of the fat fucks down there eat nice cream. That's what I'll start off well, I'm in Martha's Vineyard. I'll just make fun of the fat fucks down there eat nice cream. That's what I'll start off with. You know, even though there's some fat people in the crowd, the fact that I'm not talking

about them on the mainland, I'm talking about them in Martha's Vineyard. I think I'll get away with it. So I went up there, there's actually a clip. It was weird. I got on stage and I was immediately comfortable. I don't know why, probably because Joe has such a fucking cool vibe. And I messed around. What did I say? I can't even remember what I said.

I was talking to him. I was making fun of Joe because he had to go change outfits like share or something like that. And so I go into my act and I just, not even my act is riffin', I start making fun of fat, fucks eat nice cream on Martha's Vineyard and they just went with it. And I only did like seven minutes. I think I was supposed to do like 10,

but Joe came back quickly, thank God. And I could not have had a better, I had such a good time and then he came on stage and we were joking around. And he was like trying to say something nice to me. And of course I cut him off and he was like, oh, and like, dude, you cannot accept a compliment. And people were kind of laughing watching us go back and forth. And yada, yada, yada, I got off stage.

And I had a high like I fucking did an hour. I was so fucking relieved that I didn't bomb. I always think of myself first and then secondly that I didn't mess up any of, you know, Joe's evening or anything like that. And then I went around, you know, walked around the tent. I went around back and I ran into Nia and she had a big grin on her face. She was like, that was great. That was great.

I was like, I know, I didn't piss them off. She goes, you didn't, they loved you. I was like, all right, great. And we both started laughing. And then we sat in the crowd, we watched the rest of the show. And then I had that whole excitement thing because I was like, these fucking people

don't know that Dottie's gonna come out and they're all gonna lose their shit. And that's what they did. I had my ear plugs in. Not cause of how loud the show was because of how loud that they were screaming. So they put on a great show. And I don't know, it was really cool.

It was like watching, you know, two comics that had known each other for a long time. Like they're vibing, they're chemistry and stage is really cool. So, got to do that, got to see that show, got to meet all those cool people. So, thank you to Joy McIntyre. And all of those guys, Donnie and all of them, fillet me hang out. That was really cool. Not to mention, my wife is a huge new kid's fan. She was like right in their wheelhouse. Why did they come out like the early 90s? So my wife would have been like 13, 14,

so that was just over. So that was really fun. I will tell you, the boat ride across was scary. The seas were a little rough. I can't believe what a fucking boat can take. This thing was like, oh, it's slap, slap, slap. On the thing, I'm like,

one of these things is just gonna make this fucking thing fall apart. By the way, I watched a video on the internet that I don't even know why I watched it. I know why, because I'm so afraid of sharks, you know, and I got a gig coming up in Greece and I love the Mediterranean sea and people always say you don't have to worry about sharks. So then I Google shark attacks in the Mediterranean

and I quickly find out you do have to worry about sharks. Not like ridiculously worried about them, but they are it you are you're on the menu dude. I'll tell you that right now. That is my shit. If you're not jumping in a fucking pool, you are on the menu and if you jump in a pool in Florida, you're on the fucking menu because you have no idea what exotic pet your fucking neighbor has that somehow got free and is now fucking chilling with just its eyes above the surface of the water and as you go in to do a fucking cannonball or a can opener, that's the one I never understood, the can opener, which

was the cannonball except one leg was straight. It was really boring. Sort of like the Camaro Rally sport. You know, band-aid color with the fucking V6. And you'd pull up next to a Z28. And you just, you didn't feel like a fucking man. Anyway, let me, let me, let me, take me, I was looking at a shit about the Eagles today. Oh Eagles not the Eagles Eagles They're doing their final they're doing their farewell tour. I don't know why oh, I know why cuz I was on Instagram and I saw three people

hominizing Take it to the limit I believe and they were killing it I was like, what's going on with the Eagles? You know, the bass player just died. Glenn Frye died a while ago. What's going on? They're on their final tour. And I was reading about them. What's weird about them is their first few albums did well,

but not great. And then they put out a greatest hits album and it sold the most albums of anything ever so like thirty eight million copies i'm thinking didn't back in black cell more than that they may have a seventy i don't know uh... but i'd like to go see them because i was loved on henley's voice and i also loved his drumming

uh... but they used to always be battling. They're sort of like the American oasis, except they're not brothers. Just always getting in fucking fights and shit in the whole crowd. Like, can you fucking assholes just get along and write some music? Like, what is the fucking problem? Who plays in a band? Who listens to this? Can I ask you a question? I'm like, what is the fucking problem?

I get it in your 20s and shit like that. But once you get into your 30s, like your time is over. You don't realize it, but your time is over. You can put on sunglasses and fucking walk around looking like a giant mosquito, like that one band did and Change your sound and all of that shit, but really, you know, you had your fucking time and It's over right see then you if you if you're fucking What are you gonna do go back and get a real job? Just put the fucking band back together

Talk out your shit go on the road and sing your fucking hit, right? Anyway, I think I would definitely go see them. I really like, I really like, I really like, don't envy. And he's also a guy from Dallas too and he liked the Cowboys. Remember that back in the day when I liked the Cowboys? Before Jimmy Johnson, I liked Tom Landry Cowboys. Anyway, there was one other thing I wanted to tell you about. Oh, did I talk to you about doing Springfield and Halifax? Oh, I didn't know. I talked about Halifax on Monday. I did. I talked about that end-sprink

field. All right. With that, let me do a read here. Such an asshole. I always do that. I always end up closing the fucking record thing. And then I got to splice two things together. I wasn't even trying to do that. All right. Here's a live read, everybody. A-G-I, alpha, gulf, one. Our new partner is A-G-1, the Daily Foundational Nutrition Supplement that supports whole body health. Why take a bunch of different things when you can just mix one scoop of powder and water

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That's the podcast. Have a great weekend. You're cunts and I'll talk to you on Monday Oh, please, sir, can I find a candle though? To light your name, lifetime's a catchin' long with me. Oh, these changes take place. The water is changing to the place I wish I'd seen the place When the water of the day can be Our sand thoughts they made They were

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burns, the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 17, 2015. Why did I just say 17, like something major happened? You know, on this day, on this day, two or a hundred years ago, Christopher Columbus had juckish itch, which was fatal back in the 70s. How the fuck would he still be alive Bill? He probably died as scurvy in the, see 1492, we came over here and hacked off the fucking Native Americans hands. You know, probably an unprotected sex, introduce some sort of, I don't know, I don't know what genetic genitalia scabies. Is that how you say it? I don't know people. This has

got to be a record. How quickly did this 53 second sin and it just went right off the fucking rails. This podcast is over. Fucking over. Jesus Christ. I didn't want to start August 17th. Just the way I said that. 17th. And I got all panicky. Like, why did I say it like something important happened? And then that fucking debacle happened. Anyways, what's going on? How are you? It's the 17th day of August in the year of our Lord 2015. This is the year of the cockatoo, I believe, in the Chinese calendar. They have cockatooes over there. I don't know. I've been to Hong Kong. I didn't see any.

I was only there for a day. Anyways so oh Billy fat tits the fucking pasty Avenger I've been I've been on a tear here as I told you last week. I fucked up my knee My knee I fucked the thing up skipping rope Right and I guess my fucking leg muscles got all tight and it started yanking my old ass knee You know the wrong direction. I started like you know just hobbling out to the car You know tippy toeing down the street Oh, you know into the bathroom you take that old man piss in the middle of the night just wake up from a dream You know I ain't what you dream about about at my age? Going to a farmer's

market. They still have tomatoes left? Yeah, that's a dream to me. I wake up a roused when I have a dream. It's a sad, it's a sad fucking case. But anyway, so I stretched out and did That fucking case. But anyway, so I stretched out and did all that shit, but still I kind of fucked up on my diet a couple days. My wife was asking, hey, why don't we hang out and go do something? So we went to a museum and I fucking hate museums. I absolutely fucking hate, I've told you about this before, I hate museums with a fucking passion.

Hate how quiet it is in there. I hate people standing, reading that little card next to that fucking painting that I swear to God. It's like I did something like that when I was five. So you know, can't somebody just go back to paint in a cow in a field? You know what I mean? Does everything just have to be like just a smearing of colors? Oh, what the fuck? These people are so dumb.

They're sitting there staring at an act acting like they see something. What are you looking at? That's a light blue. That's a darker blue. And there's an even darker blue on that big square fucking canvas. I get it. He took different shades of blue. What does it say? It says nothing, says the guy knows how to color in a fucking square. I knew I'd do that. And this guy a long time ago, he explained it to me, goes, well, the difference is, because I'd be like, a little kid could fucking do that. And he goes, the differences are the little kid can't drug an amazing picture, like these people that make these abstract things can't. They're choosing to create that way.

It's like choosing to do what? Fucking draw like a five-year-old. So like I know how to talk like an adult sort of, if I go on stage and start telling jokes like a five-year-old, all of a sudden I'm, I should be in a museum telling my jokes. No, I can't. Come on, you're supposed to say who's there? I'm gonna fuck him stand in the corner. And all of a sudden I'm, I'm comedy's Picasso.

I don't know what happened, but we went there and she actually wanted to go see this short film that this guy made, I don't know who the fuck or I can't remember anybody's fucking name, but it was about LA and growing up in LA and Down in Compton and everything like that and I love anything that Is not a messy fucking painting and it's also like history of Los Angeles because there's so little history of it

They just fucking like I said before in the park. They just pay right over the shit You know robber Kennedy got assassinated down the fucking ambassador to hotel. That thing would have been a shrine in any other city. This city fucking knocked it down, put up a school on top of it. You know what I mean? Somewhere in the cafeteria there's like an X on the floor with a guy fucking blood out. I mean it's unbelievable. They just don't give a fuck. Do you know they had one of the one of the biggest acts of fucking terrorism as far as blown up a building and a collapsing happened here in LA? Before 9-11, the biggest one was when somebody blew up

the fucking the LA Times building, the original one. And I've been all over the internet and I've walked all over downtown LA. I can't find a fucking plaque or information anyway. They just plowed it over for a couple of oxen and then that's it. Now they just, you know, they got the fucking, the little white obelisk art deco we think looking there. I think that's the only place they ever were like that the fucking thing didn't get blown up in the middle of the night. So anyways, that's what the fuck am I talking about. So, when we went there, this guy had all this footage, you know, from basically like the Rodney King era right up until now.

I love that shit. Seeing the old cars, you know, back to the early 90s when everybody wanted a fucking Nissan Maxima, like that was the goddamn car, right? I just, there's little details like that and then seeing, you know, the beginnings of everybody fucking having an Impala low rider and now that's almost like hacky at this point. If you actually have an Impala low rider with the fucking wire rims, it's just like everybody's seen that.

You know, it's like owning a Mustang or a 69 fucking Camaro, everybody, you've seen a. You know, it's like owning a Mustang or a 69 fucking Camaro. Everybody, you've seen a million of them. So, anyway, so we went down, we watched that and then she took me to this place around the fucking corner, which was a German place that sold all these different kinds of like brats and sausages and fucking sick ass french fries like you like your mom made I mean those big thick fucking wedges and she just deep fry the shit out of them They had that I got some sort of rabbit and something else fucking Brought sausage whatever the fuck you call it was absolutely delicious. I had two fucking french fries

It was like a junkie sitting in a crack house Man, it was fucking brutal and I looked over in the corner and there was two young guys right now Like they're fucking mid-twenties. Prima. They have fucking life Can he make Donalds at two in the morning wake up with a flat stomach? They were over there These two young fucking cons were sitting over in the corner and they had those giant German October fest beer stands And I just sat there staring at those mugs of beer. They looked glanced over a couple of times.

They probably, what the fuck is this guy looking at? Like, I wanted a fight. It's like, I'm not looking at you guys. I'm looking. I was like, Homer Simpson just sitting there doing the, mm, beer, and I actually asked the fucking waitress. I was just like how many how many ounces is that how many beers is that two to three beers you was like two and a

half two and a half fucking beers and I already fantasized about being off the wagon. This is why I'm always gonna be a drunk because when I'm sober I don't go oh this is amazing falling asleep at 10 o'clock at night waking up with energy I don't think that. I just started thinking of how much I'm going to drink when I go back to drinking. And I can't wait for the fucking king season to start because I'm going down to that fucking place. I probably take Joey Bartonick.

You know, he's a Pittsburgh guy. God knows, you know, him a lot ahead. God knows they grew up on sausages and brats Might even fucking go with the two of them right go down there and get one of those fucking giant Beers I fucking drink two of those Become old fucking macy day bloated Billy again So I fucked up there and then last night I did a gig just outside of San Diego at the Harris casino Valley Center or something like that. Really, really, like

beautiful part of California. Like you come off for the five and there's all these little mom and pop stores. I was making fun of it and shit but it just had like that vibe of like small town slash maybe a meth problem, you know, which is like, I guess that's what Maybery is nowadays, you know, probably heroin now. Well, that fucking problem going on. And when we did the gig, but I actually flew down in a helicopter to the gig. I rented an R44 and I brought the opener, Kevin Shea with me and I flew down with my instructor and his brother. And dude, it was the fucking shit. I probably lost money on the gig, but I don't give a fuck. It was cool as hell. We were actually going to land in the parking lot. They actually have like a little area

that they use as a helipad. It's just this corner of the parking lot, they actually have like a little area that they use as a helipad. It's just this corner of the parking lot. We're going to land there, get out, do the gig, and then the end, get back and the fucking thing and take off. But the thing was, it had all these mountains all around it, and the main street in had no lights, and there was a lot of power lines and that type of shit. So we were just like, yeah, why don't we land it a fucking local, local airport in driving instead, considering neither one of us has ever flown out of here.

You know, and those are the fucking decisions you make. If you wanna fly safely, they actually had a mid-air collision down there. I just saw this little ass airport. I don't know how the fuck you don't see each other. You're not talking on the fucking radio. I don't know, man, that's the kind of shit you just like, you know, when you start thinking you know stuff, which is always dangerous in any fucking business, we start, you know, I can fucking kind of keep this thing.

One of the hardest things when your first fly is staying at a consistent altitude, which you're supposed to do in a helicopter is basically look at your manifold pressure gauge and whatever inches you're pulling. Really sounds like I'm jerking off here, but whatever, it's measured in like inches of mercury. So say if you have 21 and you look over at your VS vertical speed indicator, if it's at zero,

you just then you just dial it in and you just keep it, okay, 21 inches is what I need to pull and keep the fucking, God damn cyclic at where I'm at. But I always end up fucking it up. And if I don't look at it for a couple minutes, I used to go up like 300 or down or descend 300 feet. Now I'm kind of within like 100 feet. So I kind of felt better about that. But so anyway, so I flew down there and then we drove like another 25 minutes, did the gig at a great fucking time, great crowd. And then we drove back to the airport

and fucking flew back, man. And flew back from just outside of San Diego. We got back in about 35 minutes flying over all of this fucking traffic and Just flew basically right along the coast the whole way up and It was cool to do that actually kind of You know, he was teaching me sort of some instrument stuff where I'm not instrument rated and of course that peaked my fucking interest now. So why the hell not? I might do that next, but as you're flying at night, like it's obviously way different during the day. And I was just like, I was just like, dude, I'm glad you're

here because I would be completely lost. I don't know where I am. And you just pointed up because you're right there because that's the long beach pier. You can always tell other long beach warfs pierce. Well, I don know what the fuck you call them. They're all fucking psychotically lit up, they're like the third biggest port, wharf, pier, whatever the fuck you call it in the world, I guess. So it's always all lit up and there's all kinds of fucking Xboxes and sex slaves and blood diamonds going in and out of there every fucking day. So it's always lit up. And we ended up

landing at Long Beach after it was closed, which is pretty fucking cool. And they got this thing. I forget how many times you click it. But when we took off, the airport was already closed, so all the fucking lights were out and everything. And on the cyclic, he just fucking click. You know, we basically, if you're going to talk to the tower, you just click it like seven or nine times I forget. And when you do that, all the lights come on. The whole fucking field lights up. It's the shit. So, that's what I did last night, huh? Not too shabby.

But anyways, and you know what, Kevin Shay was really fucking chill. I thought he was gonna be freaking out that I was flying. He actually said he did a good job. And he actually said this thing where he doesn't freak out when I'm taking off. Well, when he's taken off or when he's up there, he says whenever the plane or whatever, he's in goes to land. That's when he freaks out, which I thought was kind of interesting to just be afraid then. Anyways, I'm babbling here. So I was talking talking about, oh yeah, so that night I fucking, you know, we had to leave like around 3.30 and flew down about four o'clock, so that was right around dinner time. Then I got to a casino and I'm just like, they were like, we got Mexican food and I'm

like, all right. And he went tacos. Yes. How about a burrito. Okay. It sounded like little John there. And I fucking, you know, fucking just inhaled a chicken, fucking burrito.

It was actually really good. I think, I think was because I haven't eaten like that since the 4th of July. I haven't had any just fucking food that's gonna make you a fat fuck. So it was delicious. But everybody else there was also saying it was good. And then I was in the back of my head going, dude, don't take it too far now. Don't take it too far. So then I reached for a taco and I only had one. And so anyways, I came back this morning and I got on the scale after I took my dog around the block and then went on like an hour and a half fucking hike and weighed myself with an empty stomach.

So I would actually make weight this week. I know the second I had a glass of water, I fuck it went up like three pounds but I'm going to say I'm about 171 pounds. The scale read 168, 170, and 169.4, depending on where I put it. So I just took the middle one, 169.4, and then cause I had, you know, had an eating breakfast, I had drink any water,

I just added like fucking a couple two, three pounds. So I'll say I'm 171. I might be, you know, hadn't eaten breakfast, I hadn't drank any water, I just added like fucking a couple two, three pounds. So I'll say I'm 171. I might be a little under, I might be a little over, but there you go. Go fuck yourself, man, I've lost almost 17 pounds. A fucking booze, burgers, ice cream, potato chips and all of that fucking shit. And I feel great and I can't wait to lose the rest of this whatever the fucking it's gonna be whenever I lose the last I still can grab a nice fucking handful here, man Whenever I lose the rest of this and then the second I get a nice flat stomach

I'm gonna get myself a gallon ice cream and one of those beer stands and I'm gonna go right back up again What is the point of losing all the way if you're not gonna go back and indulge and become a complete fat fuck again, right? I don't know. Maybe you do, maybe you're doing it to have a lifestyle change. I'm just trying to just, you know, I don't want to be 40 pounds overweight. So I'll just fucking drop that the 20 and I'll go back to zero and then I'll be 20 pounds overweight again just in time for my special next year Big fucking booze head coming at you And I would never do that to you All right, let's get to

It's really fucking advertising for this week. Jesus Christ. I've shed on so many of them. I don't I don't know what is left Do I have anything? There we all three Three little ones. Remember back in the day you stepped six? What happened? Oh, these people stick with me through second through thin. They don't give a fuck what I say. I love this company. These people are fucking cool. Here we go.

Bada bada bada. All right, let's talk about the local news shall we uh... you know we got checking our own our own friend that you remember what's his face right this face running danger field members doctor dr vinybom bots you'd always be talking about him what we hear in the podcast like to talk about our old friend only anthony monsanto

see what that gumbas up to this fucking this month do you know that those guys are over in India right now? Monsanto and they have like a sister company right now and they're getting sued I believe or they're getting taken to court because India said we don't want genetically modified food. Can you believe that? They didn't want their food altered. They probably looked at all the fucking poison people in this country and they're like, well, we don't want to be like that. We already

have a population problem. Last thing we need is these fucking assholes fucking with our curry, right? That chicken, our rice, our fucking eggplant, all that bullshit, right? So what is what does Anthony do? He's a con he doesn't give a fuck he goes in there anyways. And without permission allegedly takes a strain of their own eggplant and genetically fucking modifies the thing and guess what? They got fucking busted. So now it's a big thing whether they're going to go to trial if people are going to go to jail and all that and you know what Anthony's doing. He's just throwing money around over there because he's going to find some corrupt fucking politician who's going to say, fuck this. I'd rather have a big house and fuck over a billion of my own countrymen, just so I can have a

fucking Jacquese and a couple of goddamn horse come over there. Can you believe that? Scotland actually outlawed genetically altered food uh... which this country would it's fucking unbelievable i'll take one thing right now because i'm not a well-read guy but i can i can i can predict shit i can guarantee you that nobody was any fucking remote shot of becoming president basically i mean a candidate in the democratic or republican party nobody is

gonna bring up old Anthony. They're not going to fucking do it. They're not going to bring up how all these cuts throw all these money, all this money, and all these fucking politicians so that they can use words like organic, homegrown, and all of that shit, legally when it isn't. And it's just a bunch of fucking poison.

You know what I mean? I think it's fucked up, dude. I'm gonna go on on limb and just say that's really fucked up. So I won't keep an eye on that, man, because I went over there to India. Obviously, as I talked about before, I did a gig. And the fucking people are cool as shit. They're funny as hell. And I can't explain it. I went over there and I can't explain it the way the fucking people couldn't explain how great the underwear was. Or the shaving cream. cream whatever the fuck it was

I know I just felt I Just liked it over there So I like the people and I hope that their food doesn't become fucked up like the food is over here and as dumb as I am I am speaking from experience because as I told you guys I ate and drank like fucking earnest Hemingway When I was over in France earlier this year for 10 days and I put on only 4 fucking pounds. I was crushing bears, rich fucking meals. I was eating fucking homemade cream puffs every day and I came home and all I gained was

4 pounds. If I did that shit in this country, I would have fucking gained 15, 17 fucking pounds. Telling you, man, I don't know, something going on. Believe me, I don't believe me, I don't give a fuck. I'm just throwing it out there. And so, I don't know, if you guys have any good stories about all our good friend, Anthony, we'll see Anthony Monsanto.

We'll see, we'll try to just keep an eye on him. See what he's, see what the fuck he's been up to? Erickney! All right, so as I mentioned this time of year, I actually start to pay attention to baseball because I fucking love October baseball, you know? They fucking put all the extra mics in there and the crowd sound amazing.

It's cold, you know, the trophies on the line, fucking legendary shit happens. I can't wait. You know, so we're coming out of the dog days of summer here, so I'm starting to pay attention. So for those of you not paying attention, my fucking red socks, I've not, I've watched one game this year. They're 52 and 65, a 0.44 winning percentage. They had 12 and a half games out and they've played 117 games. What do they play? 162? So they got about 40 fucking five games left. Oh, Jesus. Oh My god, if we won all 45 we could only win. There's no way we can win 100 games this year. Oh my god, if we won all 45, we could only win, there's no way we can win 100 games this year. We need to go about 40 and five. I think we got to shut it, win in the division. Actually, no, the fucking Yankees are 64 and 52. We're not gonna catch them, but...

12 and a half games out. Yeah, I'd say this is a wrap. Toronto's a half game out, loving that. I hope they keep plummeting. I love Baltimore and I love fucking Tampa Bay. I like those, I don't like Toronto. They've been blowing in the fucking league. What are you doing here? Get your own sport.

You don't see us playing your sport, do you? Fucking Red Sox lost again today. Lost again today. 10 to 8. Put up 8 runs and still couldn't fucking hold them off. All right, let's get to the standings here. How's Kansas City doing? Kansas City, first fucking place, best record in the fucking American League. I love it. We went 5 and 5 our last 10 Yankees went four and six Toronto went eight and two this surging Kansas City seven and three. That's fucking tremendous. Detroit's four and a half back Minnesota's one and a half back. You get yourself a race there. When the fuck did

the Astros go to the American League? What the fuck happened there? Who switched? Milwaukee did a long time ago All right, that's fucking weird Washington, Atlanta, Miami, Philly, St. Louis I don't get time to figure this fucking shit out. Alright, so Kansas City is my team. I'd love to see Kansas City. I'm like in the Metz.

They're long tortured fucking fans, even though they're New Yorkers. I don't give a fuck. Phil, it's Alphia. Jesus Christ, what happened in Philly? St. Louis is always fucking there. God, they're gonna make a run again. Jesus Christ, St. Louis is there. They're fine.

What a fucking organization. I'm sorry. This is boring. And shit. Just listen to me looking at the goddamn stats here. Um, all right. Here's something fucked up. You guys see that story on Patrick Kane. I shouldn't even set his fucking name. That Patrick Kane story where he's, uh, getting, he's charged with allegedly, allegedly, what the hell is it here? Make sure I get this right. Oh, fuck God, six. Where the fuck is it?

Basically, he's charged with allegedly raping somebody. So some douchebag is saying that the NHL needs to suspend him. It's like that right there is the reason why, not only should the victim be protected The the person being accused should be protected. You shouldn't put the guy's name and face and drag them through the fucking mud You know am I the only guy who remembers that rolling stone story and that's not the only time that that has happened All right, so in fairness

Considering what this guy has to lose, he should be treated with the same respect as the alleged victim because it's all alleged. You shouldn't be fucking, this is, it's none of my fucking business right now. You know what I mean? Let it go to trial. Have the whole thing come out in the fucking wash and in the end, if he's found guilty, then not only suspend him, you can't have a fucking convicted rapist in you. Let's see end of his career. That's the one of my boys just cracked it. That's the end of his fucking career. I'm not trying to attack either person here.

I'm just saying in the fute that they really need to start fucking doing this because let's just play devil's advocate the way this blogger is fucking talking about Patrick Kane like he's already been convicted and just sitting there. How we hold our athletes in fucking blah blah blah. We just can't wrap our heads around that condescending fucking speak. You know, like I'm sitting there with a poster of him on my fucking wall in a racing car bed. Gee, do people in power take advantage of it? Wow, what else do you know they're fucking no-name blogger? Anyways, I think that you know

That they shouldn't put the they also should protect the accused because this guy has so much to fucking lose. And the bottom line is once you get accused of that shit, it's fucking over. Even if they find out, even if the victim were to come out and just say, hey, I made the whole thing up. I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry about that. Fucking see you, right?

And of course, you can say that as a woman and not go to fucking jail after you just ruined a guy's life. Sorry, I was just in a mood, you know. Then I went out and I got some breakfast and I felt better and I realized, you know what, eating right, me actually. I kind of enjoyed it.

So anyways, as I'm saying, you shouldn't say either person's name and then you know, when it goes to trial, if the person's convicted, then tar and feather them. I think that's more than fair. Don't you? I don't know. So anyways, so let me, so here's the thing. If Patrick Kane is acquitted of this, if it doesn't go to trial, don't know. So anyways, so here's the thing. If Patrick Kane is acquitted of this, if it doesn't go to trial, don't be a fucking cunt

and yell some shit at him at games when your team's playing them because you're mad you can't beat the fucking black cars because don't be a douche. All right, but like I said, if he fucking did it, he should go to jail and rot there, right? He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, that I want to talk about. I think that was basically it. I got anything else? I got anything coming up? I don't. I'm just still fucking editing this, F is for family. I got to go back into Marrow and all that type of shit. I can't wait for you guys to see this shit. I can't wait. I believe I got to wait until December to find out if you guys think it's good or it sucks. But anyways, oh, you know what I should do? You guys might if I read you some of my fucking dates here, I got coming up. I got to hype these fucking things. I just added a whole one through Texas. Um, wait a minute, how is it?

There we go. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Billburd.com, everybody. Oh, Billburd.com. Um, all right. September 11th in Los Angeles, I'm doing the Jack Radio comedy show. September 21st, I'm in Austin, Texas. September 23rd, I'm in Houston,

Texas. September 25th, I'm in San Antonio, Texas. And on the 24th, I believe that's a Saturday, I'm going to the Texas Longhorn OSU game. So I'll see you out in the parking lot. Hit me up, man. If you're fucking smoking some meat or whatever, let me know. Let me stand by you smoker like some stray cat. You know, I'll throw 20 bucks toward your tailgate, or 40 bucks, whatever you need.

Let it's buy in. Me and Versailles coming through town. Let it's buy in. All right, but oh oh fucking reach out to me if you got some bullshit here this is Texas I would accept bullshit and some other fucking state but this is Texas you guys are known for this shit we'd love to come by we'll bring some fucking top shelf booze we're gonna be rooting for the long horns we'll have a good fucking time all right and then in the

end of October, October 22nd, I'm going to be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, at the Heinz Hall for the performing arts, October 23rd, I'm going to play Playhouse Squares State Theater in Cleveland, Ohio, October 24th. I'm going in theapolis, Indiana. Jim Ursaic country. I'll make sure I have enough air in the fucking microphone playing the Merced Theater. October 25th. I'm in Detroit at the Fox Theater. The 26th. I'm gonna be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. 28th Minneapolis, Minnesota. 29th, the Chicago Theater. And then in November 6th, I'm going to be in Philly.

I haven't been there in a long fucking time. Usually play the tower theater. Uh, I'm going to be playing another Wells Fargo Center this time. So, uh, I got a brand new hour of shit. I'm going to be fucking doing a bunch of standup between now and then. So I give you guys your money's worth. So, uh, please, by all means, come on out to the shows. I would appreciate it. All right. And with that, let's get back to the, let's get to your money's worth. So please, by all means, come on out to the shows. I would appreciate it.

All right, and with that, let's get back to the, let's get to your questions this week. I think I've run my mouth enough about myself. And what I've been up to and the things that I find important. All right, fat shaming success story. All right. Oh, it was a rough one, you know.

All right, hey, Bill, I'm six feet tall. And five months ago, I weighed 320 pounds big boy. Jesus buddy All right, I'm now down to two forty three and trying to get around trying to get down to around 200 I've been using your self-shaming method and it's obvious that it works I fucking love that self-shaming wins You getting in there. Hi, you're taking your shirt off standing standing in the mirror, jumping up and down. Look what you did. Look at it. And you're fucking build yourself up, turning around. He said, even though my people tell me I look good, I don't let up on myself. Thanks for the motivation to go fuck yourself. Yeah, man, you got to do it. You got

to stay on yourself. And this is the thing too. I look this is a psychologically how I look at it. I look at it like each Each week is a game like in the NFL season All right, I get on the scale. I figure out how much fucking weight I need to lose All right, I needed to lose like a good fucking, you know, I was a good. Oh, Jesus, you know my fighting weights You know when I had a last time I had a flat stomach. I was between like 162 and 165. So I was up to 187. So I needed to lose a good 20, 25 pounds. All right. So I figured, you know, I'll lose two to three a fucking week. I'm looking at a good 10 weeks, 10, 10 week season here. So what I do is if I lose, I have it

on the, on the calendar, I write the weight that I'm at and every Sunday I just write down the weight that I want to be the next Sunday and I weigh myself every day Sometimes a couple of times a day. I get fucking psychotic with it and I try to make weight every Sunday and I try to do it without starving myself because then you just kind of eat away at muscle and you become very fleshy very fleshy, very fleshy, which is just all gelatinous and shit. You want the muscle because I guess it eats the fat

because that's what somebody in a bar who wasn't a fucking nutritionist told me. All right, so, and then how I do it so I don't fuck up, is because I know that there's no way I'm gonna go 10 fucking straight weeks and eat absolutely perfectly. I know at some point I'm gonna fuck up and have a burrito and a taco and a fucking broth or whatever the fuck I did.

And I just try to immediately get back on the stick and then that week, if I don't make weight, I just, I call that week a loss. And then I just look at my record. I just pretend I'm a coach, all right? I was 2-0, now I'm 2-1. I can't go 2-2 Can't go 2-2 then the local fucking sport writers are gonna get as a time to make it change, you know, so

I won the first two weeks with this diet. I lost the next one I tried to call it a bi-week, but I'll say that's a loss I was 2-1 then I won the next two weeks in a row. And this week I was looking at a loss. So instead of being five in one, I was looking at four in two. And I didn't like that number. And I just went really hardcore with the working out and trying to eat as perfect as I could.

So I just look at it that way. And if you, you know, if you fuck up or whatever, it's not the end of the world, unless you allow it to be. And I think a lot of people, myself, included is when you fuck up on your diet, the next day what you have to watch out is when you eat a bunch of grease or sugar or salt, you're going to wake up the next day and you're going to crave that shit.

So what you've basically started is a little fire that you can easily stomp out with your fucking slippers while you're still in your bathroom by just making up yourself a bowl of oatmeal or something healthy for breakfast and then you eat that you're because you've been eating so well you're gonna want to you're gonna still be on that craving healthy stuff. This is how it works for me okay obviously I'm not an nutritionist I'm none of this no sports medicine nothing this is just what's working for me. Okay? Obviously I'm not in nutritionist. I'm none of this no sports medicine. Nothing. This is just what's working for me. I've realized after years, I think it was stupid when people said food is a drug. I realize finally now that it is. So when I fuck up, you know, and I basically in a food version, hit the crack pipe, I just make sure the next day that when I get up,

like, before I even, like, I, you know, I go for a walk, I drink some water with some lemon, and that will really calm you down, you know, so you don't get a fucking Danish or go out and get some waffles or some salty fucking eggs and cheese and bacon and all that shit. That's what's been working for me. So if you want to go from 243 to 200, just maybe try that. If it works for you, it works for you. If it doesn't, I'm sure there's a zillion other things on the internet by professionals.

But I'm happy for you, man. That's fucking insane, dude. That's what? 320 to that's almost 80 fucking pounds. 77 pounds to that's unbelievable. Good for you man. Keep going. All right. Drought shaming. Oh God. Hey Bill up here in Northern California. We are on tight water restriction. Pretty much everyone's lawns are dead or mostly brown. Personally, it's driving up the wall to have a dead-ass yard, but you know, I'm gonna do my part.

My issue is these selfish cunts who have the fucking nerve to just flood their goddamn lawns like they're special or something. I want to drought shame the blatant water users in my neighborhood, but I don't want to shit where I eat. Do you any thoughts or advice by the way we saw your show uh... when you came to sacrament on your killed man we hope you come back soon all thank you uh... well look i never advocate rat not rat in somebody out uh... but it's a weird thing when when somebody's doing something that affects the whole

tribe you know what i mean this isn't like uh... you know But it's a weird thing when somebody's doing something that affects the whole tribe. You know what I mean? This isn't like, you know, the guy drove home, I don't know, whatever. I can't think of a fucking example. This is something that really is affecting the entire state. I don't know what I would do. Why don't you, we leave him an anonymous note and just say, listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but we are in a drought.

You're not supposed to be warning your lawn and I'm not the kind of person to rat somebody out. That's what you do. And I would really hope that you don't put me in a position to have to call the local authorities about you watering the shit out of your fucking lawn. So then basically what you did is you went passive aggressive. You didn't rat him out. You basically listen, don't make me fucking do this.

But at the end of the day, we're in serious fucking trouble here. So, that whole no-snitching thing, it becomes a little bit of a gray area. So why don't you give the guy a fucking chance? You know, don't be a cunt in the letter. Just say, please So why don't you give the guy a fucking chance? You know, don't be a cunt in the letter. Just say, please, I don't rat people out. But you know, this is the needs of the state and the people in the state are way bigger than you and your yard. Please don't put me in a position. You got to go walking like in true romance. When you fucking clasped his hand together, like whatever he said, I beg you,

don't put me in this position or something whatever the fuck he said, that's what I would do. So then you don't have to fucking rat him out. Then if you know I keep watering his yawn, lawn, I don't know what do you do? You know what you do, you pushy out and you have your wife make the call.

I don't know man, I really have zero tolerance when it comes to people, I don't know man, I really have zero tolerance when it comes to people. I don't know. But look at me, I flew a fucking helicopter down to my fucking gig and I'm not using bottled water, but this is my instructor was saying like, dude, we just fucking sent let it gas through the atmosphere. So I mean, I'm a fucking hypocrite too. I don't know what to tell you

But it does bug me when everybody else is trying to tighten the fucking belt And there is that person just fucking water in the shit. I'll tell you the people in my neighborhood, man They fucking water and the shit out of the I don't think I don't even have any grass in my fucking yard You know what I mean? I got a couple of I water the uh I water the plants that are actually producing food. My wife likes all these other fucking plants. I was like, who gives a fuck about a plant? It's not feed me. What the fuck the why care about it? Let's get him out of here, right? So that's a bit of a fight. But like some of my neighbors, man, it's like they water this shit and uh what kills me is not

that they're necessarily watering it. It's that their sprinklers are so fucked up, it's just shooting out into the street, landing on the hot tar and then just evaporating. What they're really doing is spraying people's cars that probably just got them washed, which you're not supposed to. I haven't washed my car in fucking months. Look, dude, we're all fucking trying.

Maybe that guy with the green lawn, maybe he's doing something else. I have no idea, but You know Look at me. I mean I fucking I fly around a helicopter. So the fuck am I to say that? All right, here we go. This Phil Collins a good drummer bill bill insert generic redhead insult here Okay, thank you. What do you think about Phil Collins as a drummer? in saltier. Okay, thank you. What do you think about Phil Collins as a drummer?

His drummer was a, his drumming was a staple of the 80s, but he never shows up on any greatest drummer's list. As a drum enthusiast yourself, can you explain why? Is he not a great drummer? As an average music listener, but not a drum expert, I think he, he drums like an awesome mother fucker. But I know fuck all about the technicalities of drumming except what you share It's Phil Collins great or even good. Please help Phil Collins is a fucking monster He's an unbelievable fucking drummer and he has his own sound and what I love is the time when he came up There was this fad of having no bottom head on Your thoms which are basically that the, you know, you have your bass drum, your snare drums, and then like, you know,

basically, you know, someone doesn't feel that that that that that that that that that that that that that those fucking things, those are your thoms, right? So there was a time where having no bottom head for whatever fucking reason, they were called concert times. There was people that just liked that sound. Like they went through this whole studio time in the studio. I think where they were really deadening the sound.

Like drums really had a dead sound. And maybe that's why I did it. I don't know. I'm getting in over my head very quickly here. But he came up, you know, when he, I go all the way back to the, when he was just playing drums in Genesis, and Peter Gabriel was still in it, and they were that whole prog rock band. I think even back then, he didn't have any bottom heads,

and he has his own sound, and he's fucking left-handed, and he's an absolute fucking monster. And in the air tonight, that fucking drum fill. That's one of those things that you know I guess if you played drums for three months you could mimic it, but could you come up with it? So why doesn't he get credit? Well, I would say because he played when he played drums in Genesis, they were a progressive rock band and I think it was I don't know it was was just too fucking off on guard. It wasn't pop. So he didn't quite get the credit.

And then when the 80s came around, he kind of became the front man, he became the singer, and he'd go back. There was a Chester Thompson and they'd have like, they'd played drums together, maybe do a little drum battle or something like that. But then it was considered, oh wow, look, he can, there was a lot of people by the 80s, we're like, oh, he can play drums too. They didn't know that he like started off as a drummer. He's one of those amazing guys that like, you know, is like Dave Grohl where he's in fucking Nirvana and your lead singer dies. I mean, you usually fucked as a drummer. That guy stepped out to the forefront, started his own

band, has become a front man in his own right. And I always talk about that. I never thought to think that Phil Collins did the same thing. Peter Gabriel left and he just went out right to the front. Don Henley's another guy, but he always sang when he was with the Eagles. But anyways, why doesn't he get the credit? I think because of songs like Cecudio, when he was completely overexposed in the 80s and he made really

schlocky pop music. He went from being this underground outsider guy to just writing the crosshairs and being the most successful guy of an age and then you You just get branded like you're an 80s guy. And then the next decade comes and everybody the youth from that immediately revolts against whatever happened the previous fucking decade. And then the decade before is considered cool. Like in the 80s everybody was about 60 the 60s and the woodstock was great. Everybody hated fucking disco. 90s came around. They were like fuck hair metal and all that stupid as fucking shit

And then all of a sudden the 70s became cool and the Bee Gees were somehow being played again and fucking Dirk Diggler, Boogie Knights, all of that shit. Days then confused. All those fucking movies came out Right in the 80s. You had like fucking platoon and all that shit talking about the Vietnam War and fucking Woodstock and hippies and all that fucking crap. Seventies what you have you had happy days right Bill we fucking get it all right so I think but when you're like the face of an era like people won't let you change and they they I don't think in the seventies when he was playing drums that they were popular popular enough to people understand how great a fucking drummer he is and And then by the 80s he was just singing that cheesy shit that I absolutely fucking hate but to Rosa loves it

And he's like 10 years younger than me, so I don't know, but I will say he played with he so many fucking great tracks he played on he played on Robert Plants I'm in the mood that that first solo album he did after Zeppelin had to break up because Bonham died I believe it was his first solo album just fucking amazing drums for like a pop song and just is phrasing this the way he chooses I don't know just his the way he expresses himself I think he's a fucking monster and he gets extra cool credit notes because he's a lefty. I last I read about him he really fucked up his back as a lot of drummers did from his era because they knew nothing about stretching and yoga and that type of shit and especially if you sang sang and they used to have like those mics, so you'd be playing

and you'd be turning your neck. I know Don Henley fucked up his neck doing that. A lot of drummers that sang back then. In fact, if you look a lot of older drummers, they go from having a drum throne to having like that, a back, like literally like a regular chair, you know, support their back. But anyways, I'm fucking rambling here. He's a fucking monster. Absolute fucking monster.

But what I heard recently, he started playing again. So maybe fixed his back, but I read a real depressing article about a few years ago when Rolling Stoneware, he was like retired from drumming and he was confused as to why he was called the anti-Christ, you know, because of his shit from the 80s and stuff and I don't know I felt bad for the guy so I was psyched when I heard he was drumming again So and if I get a chance I'm definitely gonna go see him and I'll sit through all that Cecilia horse shit just to hear him play drums All right a fucked up cheating story need advice dear dear Bill a fucked up cheating story needed vice dear dear bill. All right I could really use advice on this. I found out accidentally that my best friend since births girlfriend has been fucking our other best friend behind his back for over a year now. Wait a minute

wait a minute let me back up here. I found out that my best friends my best friend since births girlfriend. Alright, so your buddy sent you word toddler. He has a girlfriend. She's been fucking your other best friend behind his back for over a year now. Oh my god. Wow. Okay. Here we go. I was checking something on his phone and stumbled across naked pictures she had sent him. Shocked to see it, I dug further. Wait a fucking minute. The fuck are you doing with this phone?

What were you checking on his phone? Wait a minute. What the fuck, this whole fucking thing is weird. Are you the guy that's actually fucking your best friend's girlfriend and you're speaking about yourself in the third person? This whole thing is weird. I was checking something on his phone. I've never checked anything on any of my friend's phones ever.

You know if they hand it to me, I look at whatever picture is there. I don't start swiping around and snooping. You are snooping. What kind of a fucking man? Jesus Christ. All right. So you snooping on this guy's phone. You stumbled across naked pictures. What do you mean you stumbled across?

You clicked on the photo app. You scroll through his photos. So you had sent them and then what, you sent them to your phone and jerked off to it later. I'm probably being too hard on you. All right, shocked to see it, I dug further and read the text between them. Oh, Jesus, you were just fanning yourself, weren't you? I love that you're just not fucking doing anything wrong either. The next thing I was, I couldn't believe it. So now I'm looking at his tax record and his fucking social security number. Anyways, all right, shocked to see them.

I dug further and read the text between them saying how much she loves him. And she wished they could fuck all day. And it made me so sick to my stomach that I went into his tax records. Sorry. She's the nicest girl I ever met in my life. And I look at her as a sister. But now I see how bad she's been fucking a kid over that's like my brother with his best friend. And I have no idea what to do. He trusts them both so much that he had no problem with them going alone together

to Green Bay for a football game. Oh my God. Oh Jesus, they probably fucked up one of those cheesehead things. You know, she bent herself over it, you know. Goodness. Now when I hang out with them Goodness. Now when I hang out with them from here on out, how could I act normal when I know what's going on? It would destroy my buddy if I told him. If I tell him not only what I lose the friend I have, wait, if I tell him not only what I lose the friends I have, but this girl, if this is a girl he lives with, would do anything, would do anything for and is going to get engaged to her eventually. The four of us are like family, family some stuck in a fucked up position. Could you use your help here?

Should I tell him or let it play out? No, what kind of a fucking friend are you? They're gonna get married? Maddie! Jeez! No, you can't let that happen. This is what you got to do. You got to go out with the other two,

the two dirty ones that are fucking around. You got to sit down and just say, listen, I was snooping on your phone. I shouldn't have fucking done it. And I saw the pictures. I know what's going on with the two of you. All right? So can you guys please tell him before I have to and you have to tell him you can't just break it off

You have to fucking tell him because you're not gonna break it off You're gonna break it off and you're gonna start fucking again or you lady are gonna go fuck somebody else because you don't love this guy Just go tell him and break up with them and get on with your life all right and Just say I'm not judgein' either one of you, but you know what the fuck do you want from me and you had to know that if you're gonna do something like this, eventually this was gonna, something like this was gonna happen. So there you go. Good luck with that guys. I'll be over here, reading the cheeseburger. And you just fucking remove yourself from it. All right.

And just and I would say listen, man, you have you have until the end of the fucking weekend to tell him, or I'm going to sit him down and tell him, all right. That's it. And I didn't create this fucking situation. The situation is what the fuck it is because of your dick and your pussy. Maybe not in that order, maybe in that order. What are you gonna do? And I would just fucking walk away. And I wouldn't judge either one. You guys sound like you're young.

I have no idea. God knows I made plenty of fucking mistakes in my life in that area. So what the fuck are you gonna do? Okay, they fucked up. They fucked up. And they just gotta come clean and let the shit fall where it may.

I think what's his face Jim Crow she's got a bunch of songs that your buddy could listen to. You know, she's living in LA with my best old best friend Ray. A guy that she's new, that she said she knew well and sometimes hated. Isn't that the way that's what you should do. You should be singing that in the background when they confess. Isn't that the way they say it goes. But let's forget all that and give me the number if you can't find it. So I can't call just to tell them I'm in the show. I overcome the blow. I learned to take it.

Well, I only wish my words could just convince myself that it just wasn't real. But that's not the way it feels. Oh, Jesus Christ, Bill, you singing the whole fucking song. That's Jim Crowtchee operator, by the way. Another sad song way another sad song Now the sad song by Jim Croci my okay another one for you here my wife and I are two months away from the birth of our first child That's fucking awesome Congratulations, I want to hear your opinion on one of the names we have been favoring

First name birdie fuck you. You're not naming a kid birdie You're foolish shit. Yeah, I don't buy this. I don't buy this at all. First name, birdie, middle name, ula, U-L-L-A, short from my grandmother, Ursula. Last name starts with the G. Her initials would be B-U-G, bug. Is this too weird of a name?

Oh, you fucking hipster cunt. No, it isn't. Go ahead name your fucking baby birdie. You fucking dope. I imagine the DMV calling her name or a teacher calling her name and roll call. What do you think? You know what I think? You know, name a kid birdie. Why would you do? I don't understand people who got the sh- Did you never get the shit kicked out of you for no fucking reason? When you were in school, you're literally giving people a reason every fucking day to fuck with your kid.

Why would you do that? Give her a pretty name. Birdie. You know, why God gives someone like you sperm that works. It's just, I don't understand it. I mean, was I too harsh this week on people? Is birdie, is that like, you know what? I got to look that up right now.

I got to look that fucking thing up right now. You got to be fucking shit me. There's no way. Is that going to be like the new like, Kathy? Birdie, the name that's sweeping the nation. Birdie, that's a golfing term. That's what you hit in Badminton. Birdie

Girl girl name. Okay, let's see the history of this birdie meaning of the name Why remember there was lady bird Johnson Birdie was until recently a middle-aged ladies club What birdie was until recently a middle-aged ladies club. Birdie was until recently a middle-aged ladies club member wearing a bird decorated hat. But now it's just kind of a vintage nickname. Think Haiti. Is that supposed to be Lucy? Josie.

Oh, Josie. Eyes are going. Mami, Millie. That's coming back into style in a big way. Actress busy Phillips named her baby birdie inspired by first lady lady bird Johnson as did soap star Mora West in an earlier heyday of nicknames. The 1880s birdie was a top 200 name. People who also like birdie, also like Alabama, Alfie, Alfred, Aspen, Blanche, Sicily, Clover, Dixie, Franklin, Hawk. Who fuck names a kid, Hawk? Lenora Oswald Oswin. First of all, if celebrities are naming their baby, that's a good one to avoid.

Oh my God, look at these fucking names. Sparrow. Remmy. Ransom. Oh my god, look at these fucking names. Sparrow. Remi. Ransom. The fuck names a kid Rans Vesper. Win. W-I-N. Win! Win! God damn it! Zero.

Tulusi. T-O-U-L-O-U-S-E, Tulusi. I looked at that and that with my fucking dyslexia, I just saw a tool shed. Patience. Who named a fucking kid Patience? The fucking irony that I just flipped out about that. Dixie. Wait, I want you to just call her truck stop stop horror. Frank, there's a normal one. Franklin, that's all right. Gertrude. Jesus Christ. What's she bangin' someone in the fucking

Gestapo? Gretel, Cosmo, Guthrie, Lottie, Maple, Marilla. Dude, these are fucking, these are fucking white people douchebag fucking names. Oh my god. These, these are Mortimer. India. Haran. Haran. That's like how black people say Haran went. Haran. He's on that heroin. You can name a fucking it's name. You get a drug, a slang for a drug. There's these these fucking names are horrible. Wait a minute. Let me get this popularity. Okay. These are the popular names. I got to keep going with this podcast. This is fuck. Birdie is number 469 on nameberry. What the fuck is

nameberry? All right, it reached its peak. This is like KC case. The the name birdie reached its peak in 1880 to rank at 210. And then by the 40s, wait a minute, it dropped all the way down to the fucking thousand, where it belonged. Enter a different name. All right, let's enter it. Let me, what's a worse fucking name?

I can think of, what's a fucking douchey name? A hipster would name their kid. I'm gonna go with Lampe. Just looked over and saw a lamp. See if that's one. No, Lampy is open. If you want to be fucking original, how about fridge? F-R-I-D-G-E, it's something a fucking stupid white person would name their kid. We found 21 results. There's no way anybody's name in that kid fridge. I bet milty. How about milk? Milk popularity is 1,000 percent this week. Did I already see

milk? I'm just going to think of some the, some of the fucking old singers back in the day. It was Engelberg, Hunkford, Dink. How about Ebenezer? I can't spell this. Is there an A or Z in there? Just for the record, I'm spelling an E, B, I, N, E, A, Z, E, R. ebi and eaz are no fucking results for that how go fuck yourself all right I got I got one fucking name that comes out here come on Ebenezer Ebenezer up as I spell it. Are you guys still listening to this? Boy name, Ebenezer boy name. All right, meaning of Ebenezer. Ebenezer is a name of a biblical place. The stone set up by Samuel to mark his victory over the Philistines rather than a person. It was adopted by the British Puritans as the

first name and then exported to America where it had some early popularity entering the top 1000 in the 1880s. Geez, I tell you, 1880s was a rough time to be born. Not only fucking the scurvy and all that fucking horseshit, it had fucking names like Ebenezer and Birdie. You can just feel their itchy clothes with those fucking names, can you? All right, I can babble with this shit forever. All right, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week and don't name your kid Birdie. I swear I recognize your breath Never reason I figure prince I'll slowly raise you We hold and call, from night my woman It's all going, you're stuck upon the shell

I changed, I'm not changing at all Small time for this I'm fading Perhaps that's what no one wants to see I just want to scream Hello Oh my God has been too long, Never dreamed you'd return, But now oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Stay safe, stay away, our sand does stay free. They were They were They were We're a good singer there.