Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-18-22

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

Bill rambles about questionable workouts, robbery, and hanging back easht.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Checking in to see how your week's going. You know, no self-promotion. Just a nice, friendly, how are you?

It's Saratoga Springs this Saturday. With Tony B. Just calling to see, you know, see how your week's going. You know, it's Thursday. It's a very exciting day. You get your paycheck. You know, you lie to yourself that you're not going out tonight. You know, you're going to save your money this week. What happens?

Oh, come on. I can be hungover for Friday. I'll be all right. Oh, look at you. Thank you. Brought me a little cup of fucking Joe here. The lovely Mia. And then one ends up happening, right?

You go out Thursday. You spend 40% of your check. Then you're like, God, I got to fucking shut it down here. This isn't going to be one of these things where I blow my hopeful paycheck and I'm fucking brown bagging it on Monday for lunch. All right. At some point, I got to fucking show a little responsibility. Stop fucking boozing and, you know, save a little something this week.

But then what happens? Somebody calls you Friday. You're like, all right, I'll go out. I'm just going to have a couple. I'm going to be home by 10 o'clock. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to the gym. You know, I'm going to take my plyometrics geometric fucking class.

What are the fuck kids doing now with the TRX TX fucking bands, right? Doing all of this shit. Like you're going to go work for Cirque du Soleil and, you know, go take a fucking. What is those classes that the, you know, people just fucking with the kettle. They take up all the space and there's no place to stretch anymore because it's the CrossFit section. I've been going to a local gym here. Great fucking gym.

All right, definitely a great gym. I like the guy that's fucking on his phone at the gym. You know what I mean? Just like texting and he's sitting at a fucking station that you wanted, you know, maybe like the lad pull downs or the squat thing and you just want to fucking use it and he's literally taking like seven minute breaks between because he doesn't realize that he's just like disappearing into his fucking phone. Whenever I see people doing that, they're never in good shape, you know what I mean?

But those lunatics that walk around with the jug of water and that little fucking notebook writing down every rep and how much weight they use, those people are always shredded. So I'm asking you today. Who are you? Or as they say up here in Massachusetts, who are you? Are you that fucking idiot, you know, that's just listening to his music and taking seven minutes between fucking reps, staring at your phone, staring at your phone. You know, you want to be water jug guy looking like you're ready to reboot the fucking A-Team.

Oh, that's pretty good. This is my shit right now. Bill, nobody asks you what your shit was. Well, I don't care. All right? In my head you did. In my head you asked me, you know, Bill, enough of this shit talking about the gym. What is your shit?

Oh, last thing I'm going to say about the gym is they got this shredded dude that does the fucking, I just said what it was, the CrossFit. The CrossFit. How old do I sound? He hosts, he runs, he manages a CrossFit class, whatever the fuck, teaches, there's the word. He teaches a CrossFit class and, you know, which I would love to take, but I've never seen one exercise that wouldn't fuck my body up. All right, we're just going to jump up and down here to get warm.

Ah, I can't do that. Can't do that. We're going to pick up a kettlebell. We're going to hold it up over our head and then we're going to slowly go down and sit on our ass and then get back up again while always holding the kettlebell up. Why would you do that? What do you think? What did you wake up thinking today?

You know, my rotator cuffs feel pretty good. You know what I like about my back? It's aligned. I think I'll take a fucking stone with a handle on it and lift it above my fucking head and then try to sit down on my ass like, I couldn't believe they could do it, but there was a, well, kill me. One of the, one of the days that went over there, oh, Jesus, listen to this shit. I fucking go over there.

There's a bunch of, uh, like old white women in the class, right? Like, oh, but meeting my age, okay? The kids are in their twenties. They're going to fucking college and they're out there doing this fucking CrossFit shit. And what was hilarious was the, the CrossFit teacher was playing DMX, so it was a bunch of older white ladies like my age and he's fucking playing, y'all going to make me lose my mind up in here, up in here, just curse words and shit. I'm just sitting there going like, just fucking laughing about how like, how much it's changed.

You know, I know, I swear my brains out, so I'm not like offended or anything, but like you couldn't fucking do like, couldn't just be playing songs that had like the F word and all of that stuff. My favorite one is every once in a while, like, you know, niece or nephew will have a birthday and you know, they're all sneakerheads or whatever. So I can't just go to an athlete's foot or one of those fucking places. I have to go to the sneakerhead store and you go in there and every time I've gone in there, it's just like, you know, it sounds like I'm doing stand up.

There's so many F bombs and they're dropping the N word and all of that. It's fucking hilarious is all of that shit's going on. You're just like, yeah, do you have this in a size seven? And nobody notices that just like Shazam on the song, like, oh, I like this. You know, my kid's going to be selling lemonade on the side of the street later on. Raising money for Uganda. I don't know why I picked that country, but we're going to say Uganda. And this would be a good song to play.

I don't really listen to the lyrics as much as I listen to the energy. Does that make sense? Because I feel like we're all just like energy, right? And it's all about the energy that you're putting up because you put out the energy. Isn't if you put out positive energy, aren't you going to attract negative shit? Isn't that how the universe, like the opposites attract? You know, I think that's true. I think if you're too positive, you really attract horrible people into your life.

Why is that built? Because I see a lot of sweet hats out there with absolute dicks. And I'm not talking about coming of age movies from the 1980s. All right, I'm talking about my wife putting up with me. My wife is a sweetheart. You do have to remind yourself if you like me every once in a while, just, you know. Hey, Bill, you just get you check in with yourself like, hey, Bill, you know, it'd be a great thing for you to do today, not be you.

What if you became a different you? This fucking coffee's outstanding. Mm-hmm. I don't know where the fuck they got that, but they knew what they were doing. I was speaking to that. One of my buddies sent me this ACDC video. I then playing bad boy boogie with Bond Scott. And I don't know if it's a TV show or whatever, but it looked like this little club.

And I of course clicked on the video and I watched the whole video. My son came over and he was like freaking out, jumping up and down. He loves music, right? And it's hilarious. My mother-in-law goes, she heard the music. She goes, who's that? Who are you listening to? I said, oh, it's ACDC.

She goes, well, they know what to do with those guitars. I was thinking like that would have been the perfect intro for like a fucking video back in the day when they used to make music videos. You know, they used to always have an old person and they were either completely against what the band was doing because they thought it was noise or they were into it. Or they hated it in the beginning and by the end they were fucking into it. I can't think of the video, but I just feel like that happened a lot. Didn't Milton Burrell at one point, didn't he like not like what Rat was playing? And then by the end they were all sort of dancing to it. And Milton Burrell was somehow related to somebody in that band.

Isn't that right? I can't remember. I do remember the Rat behind the fucking music though. It wasn't just a behind the music. It was behind the fucking music because it was Rat. And Jesus Christ, the fucking dis, I love that band, right? But the fucking dysfunction in that band is just unbelievable. I feel like everybody in that band at some point has tried to go out and, you know, Bobby Blotzer's Rat, so-and-so's Rat, right?

It was Di Martini. It was their lead guitarist, Stephen Percy, who was the lead singer. I like that guy. That guy's a pro. Fucking still in shape, still can sing. Didn't let himself go to shit, you know? When you get to be my age and you see the fucking bands, you know, when you were a kid, it's always good. Like, if it's that perfect combination of they stayed in shape, but they looked their age, and then you're like, alright.

Like, I feel like that dude from Rat still looks like a badass, right? So anyway, one time I was watching the, not the behind the music on Rat, the behind the fucking music on Rat. And I don't know what happened, but we were talking about this last night. I did a couple of shows up at Giggles. Let me not talk about that. Let me finish this story. And I was hanging with this comedian, Bobby Prince, who I hadn't seen for fucking ever, right? Hilarious comic.

And we were somehow talking about Rat. Oh, I know. Because Paul DiAngelo, another comedian up there, who was hanging, I fucking lived in the same building he lived in. In LA, like Jesus Christ, 27 fucking years ago, 25, 6, 7 years ago, right? And I was saying that fucking place, I never got my deposit back. Did you get your deposit and blah, blah, all that shit. And I was like, I told the story how the people that were running the place stole from me. That's how we got started talking about Rat, because I was on the road for two weeks and they needed to check the smoke detector.

So they had a reason to go into my apartment. And when they went in there, you know, you can just tell the toilet water is all the way down. You realize someone isn't there. And they fucking robbed me, right? So I come home from the road and I see a notice on my door saying that they were going to check them. So I went in and it was just that feeling. I could just feel like something was wrong. I sat down and there was just something fucking wrong.

I got up and I started looking around and I realized I was missing the camera. And someone had stolen some CDs and they were a rap fan, right? And they took my biggie and whatever the fuck else I was, LL Cool J, whatever I was listening to back then, Wu Tang. When that second one came out and not the 36 chambers, the second one that came out in the late 90s. And it was also the biggie one where he was leaning up against the Hurst that one. It was like 1997, I'm going, going back, back to Cali, all of that shit. And so I fucking went down to the manager the next day and I said, yes, you know, whoever came in and checked my smoke detectors, if it was one or two people,

they robbed my apartment because it's locked from the inside. There's no evidence of anybody breaking in and I have this notice. Can I speak to them? And then the manager's literally like, I don't appreciate you coming down here, accusing people to throw it in a medium like you fucking idiot. That means you did it. And I was like, no, I want to talk to him. He goes, I have the power. I have the power.

That's what he was saying. It's like that Saturday morning cartoon. I have the power, whatever the fucking was. And I was like, oh, really? You have the power? Okay, buddy. So I sit outside the office and as people are coming in to potentially live there, I go, hey, just to let you know, people connected with this stole from my apartment

and this guy's not helping me at all. And they would just turn around and walk away. And the fucking guy was eyeballing me and I'm looking at him. I go, I can do this all fucking day, all day. Just like that dad I got into the fight with. I can run laps around you. I can run laps. I was totally bluffing because I was going on the road for another few weeks, like the next two weeks.

And the woman I was dating at the time goes, you should go and fuck up his car. And I'm like, no, I shouldn't. I should either fight this guy or just fucking leave it alone. So what did I do? I fucking left alone. So anyway, I was telling that story. Um, it's always better to fucking leave it alone. I think you just leave it on, especially if you're going somewhere in life,

you just fucking leave it alone. Who gives a fuck and they're going to slowly swirl down the drain. And, you know, you're going to be, you'll be going to be fine. Who gives a fuck, you know, but every once in a while, I don't know. It depends on how much money you have in your bank account. You know, I guess you could go fight somebody, but it's just like, it's fucking so happy. Once you get any money, you got a thousand bucks in the bank,

you can't get into a fight anymore, because then you get into a fight and one of two things is going to happen. You're either going to lose, right? Or you're going to win and get sued. You lose in either way. Either way, you lose. And then I always look at, like, you know, it wasn't so much back then, but like nowadays,

like these fucking kids, man, that martial arts, mixed martial arts shit is like mainstream. God forbid you get some fucking lunatic who knows how to choke you out. Fucking starts choking you out. There's no ref to be like, all right, all right, he tapped, he tapped, and the guy can fucking hold it too long. It's just, it's just not fucking worth it. It's a couple of CDs.

Oh, I'll go buy some more, right? You know, but the main thing was I didn't feel like it, you know, have this guy break into my apartment and then also fucking, you know, beat the shit out of me, you know? What if I lost that too? Then I'm going upstairs and fucking bleeding, and then I don't have any fucking wu-tang to listen to, you know? Or I could just say, yeah, fucking assholes.

All right, I know what I'll do. I'll just change the locks. So I changed the locks on them, and then when I moved out, I just made sure I locked it up. I think that's what was my big fuck you to them. I changed the deadbolt, so they had to call a locksmith that probably took them all of 20 minutes to get into the apartment, and meanwhile they kept my $700 deposit.

You know what, I'm going to change this fucking story because it's making me upset again. So anyway, I told that story last night, and Robby thought I said I was a rat fan, not rap. So he started talking about rat, and then we started talking about the rat behind the fucking music, not the behind the music rat. You got to watch the rat behind the fucking music,

and there's this part in it that they put together where everyone in the band was making fun of the bass player, just making fun of his stage moves and all of that shit. I felt so bad for the bass player because it was clear that it looked like they all randomly in their interview at some point, hey, talk about all the band members, and when they came around to the bass player,

they just will make it fun of them. They'll make it fun of all of his stage moves, and they go, you know, he had the helicopter move, and then they show him, and there's this really bad 80s move, and the worst one was the where am I, where he would pretend like he was fucked up, like Jim Morrison, but he was totally stone sober, and they would cut to him doing it,

and they named like five different moves, and all the band members individually, and they're individual interviews with just making fun of the fucking bass player, and then they cut to the bass player. He has, I guess, has no idea that that's what they're doing, and that's how they're going to edit it together, and he's all going like, you know, I believed when you go up there,

you put on a show, and they would cut to him and stand next doing his helicopter move, as all the other guys were like rolling out their eyes, like I thought the worst one was the where am I, because he would pretend like he was fucked up, but he wasn't, he was stone sober, and just, I can't imagine being the bass player knowing that all the other guys hated your fucking stage moves,

and all these years later, they're throwing you under the tour bus there, and just laughing at you, and I just can't imagine like, what a mind fuck that must be to like, literally become a rock star and you're still the fucking nerd that everybody's making fun of,

but like that is, I'll tell you though, that is a great one, that behind the music, and then what you do is you then go online and you read about their next 20 years of that band, all the fucking dysfunction, it's amazing that they can ever get back on stage, but somehow, you know,

somehow in the end, money, everybody figures it out, and they're able to, I don't know, get it back together, but, oh freckles, speaking of that, speaking of 80s bands and all of that stuff and the shit that I grew up with, I'm gonna be doing a show up in San Francisco because I'm gonna catch that,

the Motley Crue, Def Leppard, Poison, Joan Jett show, I gotta see that tour, you know, I mean, all of them gonna be together again, I wanna fucking see that, I wanna see how they held up, you know, Tommy Lee's one of my favorite fucking drummers of all time, Joan Jett is one of the biggest badass rockers

of all fucking time, there's a lot there that I wanna see, I did see Def Leppard at, where was it, the whiskey a few months ago, and they were fucking killing it, I was looking forward to seeing them, it's gonna be a fucking great night, you know,

and I've been hearing nothing but good shit about the tour and they're playing baseball stadiums, why the fuck not, right? So I'm very excited to go up there fat, oh, speaking of that, I got together with some, with a high school buddy of mine and some of his friends and speaking of like just fucking music from back in the day, listen to this set list that we put together,

this set list should have been called Gold's Gym 1989 and I cannot even begin to tell you how much fucking fun I had, I jam with the guys, we played TNT, AC DC, Highway to Hell, AC DC, 38 Special, Hold on Loosely, Brian Adams, Summer of 69, Lover Boy, Working for the Weeknd, Refugee, Tom Petty,

and the Hot Breakers, Stan Lynch, one of my favorite drummers of all time, Kiss, Tears of Falling, very tricky song, and then the last one I played with them was Dawkin' Breaking the Chains, Now I'm breaking the chains, and I just had a fucking blast, I had not played drums since I'd been out here

and it was just a great group of guys and everybody just having a good time and then also talking about all those bands in a serious way, joking around about how funny some of the fucking lyrics are and all of that shit, but it was just a fucking great time and my buddy, high school buddy,

had bought a new motorcycle, bought like a fucking, I guess timed out police motorcycle to the second one that he's had, he got rid of the other one and just a badass bike, I swear to God, man, I wanna get like a fucking Harley Road King so bad, I feel like they're safe as far as like,

they're safe and then those really fast ones because they're just wide and you can see them have like the windscreen with like the three lights, I swear to God, next time I do like Montana or Wyoming or some shit like that, I'm gonna go, I already talked to Dean, I go, Dean, we're gonna go fucking,

go to a Harley dealership, we're gonna rent them, we're just gonna do a run through the fucking state and loop back around, you know, rent the bikes for like a week, that is a fucking great idea, I think and I can do it up in the middle of nowhere where I don't have to worry about anything

but there's always something, right? Then I'll be up there in some fucking, I don't know, moose or some shit will run out in front of the bike. But I just think as an American, you know, at some point in your life, you have to be out in the middle of nowhere riding a Harley,

I mean, at some point you have to experience that considering the amount of people that have done that and just never got off the bike and just became a lifer like, yeah, this is what I'm doing, this is the greatest feeling ever, so I mean, why the fuck wouldn't you want to experience that?

So getting back to, oh, I never said what my shit is, this is what it is, for breakfast, I think I already told you guys this, I have a stubble espresso and then about like 20 minutes later, I have an orange and that's it and it just fucking levels me out for the day.

I'm thinking rationally about food as opposed to starting the day with like a salty breakfast or something I never do, like a syrupy breakfast, I fucking, I can't do syrupy anymore, I'm old people, I'm fucking old, I do syrupy and it's literally like, like that's at my age, if you have like a waffle or a pancake,

you might as well have just fucking roof each yourself, okay, you're going to be fucking cruising until about 1130 a.m. and then you're going to do that first yawn and you're going to be face down at your fucking desk. So anyway, last night, I did two shows up at giggles, I want to thank Mike Clarke, Lenny Clarke, Tony V,

trying to name everybody that was up there, Dan Smith, Paul D'Angelo, Robbie Prince, Todd Parker, I know I'm going to forget something, we just had a fucking blast, just fucking hanging out, Steve Bjork, Paul Gilligan, I know there was more people up there, anyway, oh, Don, Johnny Peasey,

and people up there with their sons and all of that shit, we were just fucking hanging out, I pull up, everybody's sitting outside at giggles, you know, Tony V's holding court and everybody's in a circle just fucking smoking cigars, Mike Clarke's bringing out pizzas and stuff, Shrimp Scampi, all these fucking New England classics

and then we're just going in, doing a set, coming back out, just telling fucking stories and then we did the second show and the first crowd was great, second crowd was like fucking over the top, pretty hammered, but I really want to thank Mike Clarke because I needed those shows

for this fucking weekend here, people, all right? I'm in the bubble, I'm in the fucking bubble, I'm doing Nick's tomorrow night and then I'm Sarah Toga Springs and then I got the mother of all gigs, I'm doing Fenway Park and just those two shows last night

really boosted my confidence, I can't fucking wait to get up there and it's funny, people keep saying, make sure you enjoy it when you're doing Fenway, make sure you take it all in, it's like you can't do that and stand up, you can't enjoy it, you can't take it all in,

you have to be funny every fucking six to eight seconds, I'm not out here fucking, I was joking last night, I'm not out here sailing a boat, even that I imagine you can't, you know what I mean? It's like if I start taking it in, you immediately start bombing, it's like you just start losing altitude, so I am gonna fucking take it in,

I'm gonna be looking out at Fenway Park when I'm there, I still can't believe that I'm gonna do it and this whole week, I really started getting anxious about it and being like I just wish it was fucking tonight, let's do it and then after last night, hanging out with everybody and telling the stories

and doing a couple of shows and watching other comics and just hanging with all the guys, you know, just made me nice and fucking chill and I was telling Mike, I was like dude, I fucking needed this, so I'm very excited now for the weekend and I can enjoy the last little bit of my vacation here

and whatnot and with that, let me read a little bit of advertising here before I go downstairs and have my orange. All right, hey, how about the Yankees? Tell me you guys didn't need that fucking, a walk off grand slam in the bottom of the 10th to win it. God knows they needed that,

so as much as I root against the fucking Yankees, I wanna see them in the playoffs. I actually do, I mean that's good for baseball, do you know what I mean? If you have a team with the most success, all the fucking money, you want them in there, you need a fucking villain, it gives me a point to watch it

or I wanna see somebody who hasn't been in there for a while, like I'm kinda watching the Cleveland Guardians, you know, and it's kinda crazy, like what if for some reason they just get fucking hot and they win their first World Series in almost 80 years, 74 years, I think it was 1948, the last time they won, you know, and then all of these hardcore Cleveland fans

that don't wanna call them the Guardians, then what do they do? They kinda gotta, then they have to buy, that would be really good to bring all the old school people that still want the fucking Chief Wahoo and the fucking Indians, you know what I mean? If they win a championship, you're gonna have to get a T-shirt that says

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I didn't go the last two days, but I'm fucking hanging in there, but there's a steak and cheese place I'm going to today, and this is the one that me and my wife love, and I'll do it, I went to the fucking ocean, actually swam in the ocean, still was freaked out, but like I get it now, I understand why people go into the ocean, I don't get swimming out to a buoy and coming back like you never watched the first scene in Jaws,

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Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr, B-U-R-R. With Helix, Better Sleep starts now. Oh, hey, if you want a great summertime movie that I started watching, then I feel it's like a really great throwback to all the action movies that I grew up on

is the new Ryan Gosling, Billy Bob Thornton, Gray Man. It's just a fucking, it's a fun goddamn movie. I got into like the first 20 minutes of it. There's a scene, a fight scene on an airplane with all these special effects. It's pretty fucking incredible. You know, it's kind of the perfect thing.

It's like a fucking 80s action movie with like some of the best actors out there. So, I don't know, it's enjoyable. Except I don't like when they fucking, you know, kidnap kids. I always hate that fucking storyline, but I'm like, this really has hero vibes, so I know the kid's gonna, I hope the kid's gonna be all right.

Anyway, that is it. That is the podcast. Please enjoy the music interlude, picked out by the great Andrew Thamelis, and then afterwards we're gonna have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, ya cunts.

I can't wait for the Monday morning podcast. I usually do it Sunday, but I'm gonna wait till after I do Fenway, and I'll let you guys know how it goes. But from the bottom of my heart, thank you for everybody that has bought tickets over the years, and thank you to everybody that bought tickets to see me this weekend, both in New York and in Massachusetts.

I am now officially really excited and looking forward to Sunday. Thank you too for the wonderful, because of the wonderful stage time I got from my club. Everybody up at giggles. All right, that is it. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, oh, Jesus, August 18th. Yeah, that's the month, and that's the day, and it's the year 2014. How are ya? Do you realize you wouldn't think about that it's 2014 if we actually make it to the 2090s,

how people are going to be looking back at us? Like the way, you know, in the 1900s, you look back at 1914, everybody was walking around really fast. Do you think that'll happen with us? No, Bill, they have HDTV. And with the rate of global warming, ah, right, you fucking cunt. We're all going to be underwater.

Um, you know what? You know what would be funny? I bet Waterworld, do you think that movie will make a bunch of fucking money as the polar ice caps start to melt? Everybody would be like, you know, I think we were wrong about this one. We gave this movie a lot of fucking criticism.

The guy was actually way ahead of his time. Uh, Bill, why are you talking about Kevin? Cause I actually have a movie coming out with him. Believe it or not, old fancy pants freckle boy over here. I did a movie last summer in New Orleans. Some of you listen to this podcast, might remember. Um, and, uh, it was hard as shit, but it was a wonderful, uh, wonderful,

it was a wonderful time. And, uh, Mike Binder wrote and directed it. Octavia Spencer, Kevin Costner, uh, they're all in it. It's a, um, how would I describe the movie? It's a courtroom drama, old school courtroom drama. And what do you play, Bill? I play Kevin Costner's lawyer. Enough Boston accent in there.

Um, I'm actually going to a, uh, film festival coming up, Toronto with the debut of that movie and, uh, whatever, but a film festival, I guess, and then it comes out in October. So there you go. Look at that. I've barely given you any laughs. I've come right out, right out of the gate, just whoring myself out.

I'm actually hoping to get Mike Binder on the podcast, uh, as we get closer to the date. It's, uh, he's actually one of the legendary standups from the comedy store back in the day. And, uh, he told me a bunch of great stories and all that stuff. And, um, so he'll obviously be a great guest. Speaking of which, last night I went down to the, uh, well, the first thing I did was I went out and I fucking jammed with

the band, man. I'm doing another one of those God damn comedy jams tonight. Um, and dressing up like the drummer that I'm imitating again, which of course is, uh, it's so, it is ridiculous. So I take off any sort of pressure for any sort of audience member where, you know, is there anything worse than having to go see your friends banned even if they're fucking, unless they're really fucking good. Then you're like, oh God, maybe they're going to make it.

I should start picking up some wires. Maybe I could be a roadie. Dude, you, you, you forgot where you came from, man. You remember, I used to go see you down at Friendly's in the ground round. Either way, you're fucked, right? So I just don't want anybody going down to the, anybody who's going out to the sink. I don't want anybody even remotely to think that I'm taking this other,

anywhere other than this is just a fun as hell thing to do. Um, I want to do some jokes about Tommy Lee. You know, like I did with John Bonham. It's fun. It's just a good fucking time. So I'll tell you, trying to find a Tommy Lee costume is, it's fucking difficult. The guys had like 90 different looks and like most of them, he's not wearing a shirt and I'm just too fucking pasty.

I said, I'm not fucking doing that. So I had to pick an era where he was actually wearing a shirt, which is, it's not easy. It's not easy to find. But anyway, so I did that. And I went, last night I went down to the comedy store and, um, they had actually had a, uh, a memorial service for Robin Williams. And, uh, it was awesome.

And it was, you know, just like so many people from back in the day came out that were down there. I actually, I'm wondering when all the last time all of that group of people were down there. Um, and they were all telling stories. It was like, I got there late, unfortunately, but, um, Norm MacDonald, Yaakov Schmerinoff had some great stories. Uh, Jackson Perdue.

Then there's a couple of people that were in part of his improv group. We're all telling all these great stories. And, uh, it was a really great thing, but I gotta tell you, man, that was, it's not like I knew the guy or anything, but that was brutal. Fucking brutal. When I heard the news about that one, that one really, uh, you know, there's one of those things where you really, you think, you know, yeah, I love that guy.

I love his movies. I think that guy's hilarious. You know, you don't realize it. And then something like that happens. He's just like, wow, man, I had no idea how much that guy, uh, affected me. I did get a chance, um, one time to do a show with him. Uh, he always, um, you know, he would just come down to clubs. I'd always heard about it.

I know he did it. He lived up in San Francisco, but people were saying like, yeah, this is open. Mikey went to every single week. Um, Bartnick told this great story about, uh, how he was at a concert. He was kind of like the, like the unofficial mayor of like San Francisco when they needed like a laugh or something. Like, I guess Bartnick was at some big concert.

And, uh, it was an outdoor thing and it rained. And, um, you know, it's like, apologize everybody. The bands can't go on. Everybody's standing there and fucking looking like a bunch of fucking wet shelter dogs and stuff. And Robin Williams was in the crowd and he just went up on stage and like a fucking rain poncho and did 45 minutes in front of an, a soaking wet, angry crowd that wasn't getting their show.

And he crushed, just did like a headlining set. And, uh, and then in the end, like the sun was coming out and he's like, all right, the bands are coming out and blah, blah, and just went right back into the crowd. Just, he was like a zillion stories like that that I heard. And, um, so anyways, I was doing, uh, Jeff Garland had this show. He does, uh, every now and again down at the UCB. And, uh, it's just really cool format.

And the end he has like this improv game called, uh, the combo platter. And it's basically, they pick a subject and each person has to go up and riff on it for five minutes. And then you sit down and then the next round is you go back up again, but anybody can interrupt anybody at any time. And it just starts going, you just start adding to whatever they're doing. And one, you know, one night I went down there and I was doing the show with them and Robin showed up and Garland knew him and everything.

And they went in with the show and I actually got to do improv. I was standing right next to him doing improv. I literally felt like I was on comic relief. You know, I mean, we're sitting in the chairs, right? It's just like such a fucking weird moment. But I was sitting in the chair next to him. You know, he had that thick arm hair. It's like we were, the space between us was a little tight,

but it wasn't anywhere where we still should have been touching. But his arm hair was so fucking thick. It actually was, it actually was touching my arm. I had to move my arm. I remember thinking all those jokes that he used to do about how he felt like he was wearing a sweater and all that type of thing. But it was obviously one of the great things I ever got to do. And fortunately, because he was such an open guy and such a nice guy,

sweet guy, he didn't, you know, come in with that. You know, I've been doing this forever. Get out of the way kid. He didn't have that vibe at all. He was like a really vulnerable kind of vibe that because he came with that vibe, I was actually able to like enjoy it as it was happening rather than look back on it and be like, oh, yeah, I got to do that. But I was so in my head.

I had to like knock him down, you know, that's like something I have to do. Sometimes when I get a gig that's so big, I literally have to develop a certain level of hatred for this person that I don't hate. I have to be like, you know, fuck this guy, fuck this guy for making me feel so fucking uncomfortable with this. It's success or whatever. But the way Robin was, you didn't have to do that when you were around him. So, you know, thanks to Jeff Garland for fucking, you know, having that show so I could have that memory. But it's definitely a huge, huge, huge fucking indescribable loss.

And that just sucks. I hate that it ends that way, you know. So anyway, isn't that happy? Isn't that happy to fucking have to talk about that yet another fucking person in this business? You know, what was fucking weird is I got like three texts within 24 hours of Robin's death, you know, asking me if I was okay and then telling me not to kill myself. And that just struck me as funny. Like it's like depression and suicide are not like a like, like a stand, like if a fucking plumber kills himself,

it's to do people reach out to other plumbers. Hey, man, I know you haven't got a lot of sinks lately. It's been mostly toilets and, you know, just reaching out that, you know, it's going to turn around, you know, you know. Look, I'm not a fucking doctor, but I know that that shit. It definitely, it definitely affects, you know, a lot of people. I mean, I've dealt with, you know, unfortunately, and it's been people outside of stand up. Let's see, I got to like count. I think it's three.

Yeah, three people that I know, you know, committed suicide. It's fucking brutal, man. It's really fucking brutal. And so I got this, you know, I don't know. I see somebody start and go down that the depressed road. It's just fucking so hard to get him off it. I don't know. All I know is it sucks.

So back to the podcast. Anyways, what am I going to talk about this week? Oh, let's, let's just continue with like, you know, talking about depression and suicide. Can I, can I fucking just openly and honestly talk about the ice bucket challenge? Can I do that without fucking this McCarthyism fucking era of once the ball gets rolling, if you fucking go anywhere else, you're not supporting the troops, you fucking, you're a, you're a, you're a commie. You, you hate women or, you know, it just that ice bucket challenge. I've, at this point, I've been challenged by three different fucking people.

Okay. The last one was last night. And it's, this is, this is what the person texts me today. I said, Hey, you know, go check out my ice bucket challenge. I love how it's about the person. It's so not even about the disease. Hey, check out my wacky response to ice cold water over my fucking head. And he goes, uh, what the hell is it?

He said, it's on Facebook. Um, hope you're good. I nominated you for the ice bucket ALS challenge. So I wrote back. I said, listen, dude, I live in a desert. All right. It's a $500 fine. If you waste water, I'm going to do the $100 donation instead.

So he goes, you prick. Well played. You can do it on the road and send me the video. And I wrote back. I'm like, dude, it's about raising money for ALS. Not what, not you watching me dump a bucket of ice over my fucking head. I don't understand. Like, do you understand how precious water is to everybody in around the world?

How much there's a shortage of it? We're over here going, just dumping it over our heads. And it's to the point now it's the disease is, is second banana to watching somebody's reaction. I know it's a fun fucking thing and it's raised over a hundred million dollars and all of that type of shit. But, uh, there's this pressure, like if you don't fucking do it and you just give a hundred bucks, somehow you're an asshole.

What I want to know is how many people just dump the bucket of ice over their head and it's another fucking, you know, me moment for them and then they don't even give any goddamn money. Um, you know, this is just going to open a can of worm for all these other diseases. There's actually people in foundations right now sitting in a boardroom. Okay. With fucking bagels and cream cheese sitting in front of them that everybody wants to go and grab, but no one wants to grab it first.

So they seem like the person who just came there to eat and they're sitting there brainstorming, trying to figure out how can we come up with our own ice bucket challenge so people give a shit about rickets. You know, it's like when there's a hit fucking movie. Oh my God. It's a hit movie with vampires. God damn it. Put vampires in everything.

That's what's going to happen. What other natural resource can we use? Uh, Fred, the fresh air challenge. The aquifer ice bucket challenge. Everybody's got to go to fucking Nantucket and dump water over their head. I don't know. I don't know. It's a good thing because it's raising money, but I got to be honest with you.

You know, there's not a lot of water left people. If you really look at the only fresh water we got coming is the polar ice caps melting. Do you know a lot of those blue blood cunts are going around the world and they're buying up property that sits on an aquifer because they know that water in the future is going to be equivalent to currency. Do you understand how much little information I had before I just made that unbelievably terrifying statement? Do you understand that people?

Why are you listening to this thing? Um, you know what's going to be a rough month is the ice bucket challenge and then also the pink month in the NFL. All of these fucking things. Oh man, I really hope I just hope that the money actually gets to the people that need it. Uh, you know, cause that pain, the lady from when I, from when I've actually read on the internet. So God knows if it's even remotely true.

She makes like three quarters of a million dollars a year. And I know she's raised a bunch of money and all that type of shit. But at the end of the day, if there weren't a bunch of women dying from breast cancer, she wouldn't have a job. It's just fucking weird. I guess it's, you can say the same thing about a doctor, but a doctor is trying to, well, I guess she's trying to get them better. I don't know.

How do you justify pulling that kind of money? I guess you're sitting there going like, well, I raised a hundred million dollars. That's not even 1%. I took three quarters of 1%. Then again, three quarters of a million dollars, you're probably riding around a BMW. I bet that isn't painted pinkies. Is it? You want to make sure you got the resale value, don't you?

What's the name of the lady that does the pink thing? Is it Pam? Is it Peggy? Does her name start with P? All right. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. A really heavy one. We've talked about suicide, ALS and breast cancer.

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All right, sorry. All right. Let's get back to the podcast here. Let's get back to diseases and talking about dying or whatever. I'm calling 2072 for me. I want to see the 70s again. That's why I'm trying to... Well, that's not why I'm trying to eat right and exercise.

I do it because I'm vain, you know? I just want to look good for you people. That's my new ending to the crying. You like that one? That's when I take it to another level. That long one makes Verzi fucking laugh his ass off. Oh, Jesus, who is this? Oh, it's my brother.

Hey, I'm doing my podcast. Can I call you right back? All right, cool. Um... You know what's funny? As silly as that fucking ringtone sounds, like if you gave that to anybody in Asia, they would start with that thing

and then they would have the most amazing... They could build that theme into the sickest fucking opening to an Olympic ceremony you've ever seen. You like that? That's called positive stereotypes. That music sounded Asian to me, so I connected it with Asian culture with a positive result. Is that also offensive?

You know what I mean? If you just say stereotypical shit, but it's positive. Dude, let me tell you something about those greaseball Italians. They can really cook. They're the best cooks in the world. Like, do you have some sort of weird, like, McDLT? Like, hot and cold? Do you throw in something fucking offensive

with a big-time, like, positive thing? Ah, those fuckers can't drive, but whoo! Are they good at math? Okay, we're like 15. He needs to, like, half apologize and, like, almost get suspended. Oh, I'm sorry. Let's get back to the podcast.

What the hell am I... Oh, dude, you know what? Did I tell you guys late night I'm watching TV? I had a lot of late nights this week, because it was my final week off before I was going back on the road, the oddball thing. And I've really enjoyed my time off. I haven't taken time off in, I don't know, fucking 10 years.

Like, took a significant period of time off. I've sort of been doing this shit because it's been fun, but at some point I kind of looked up and was like, hey, I need to chill out. So the last, you know, July and August, I kind of, you know, rather than going out every other weekend and one or two back-to-back weekends, I kind of did, like, well, I still did two weekends in July,

but they were fun weekends, and I haven't done shit in August yet. And it's been great. I've been in LA building up my new hour and I was fucking around last night down at the comedy store, which, you know, is my favorite club out here. And it was another great thing, because when you go into the comedy store,

the original room, that's where all those guys, when they came to town, that's where they went up. I don't even know that they had the main room initially. They just had that, the original room. And that's where Letterman, Leno, Robin Williams, Sam Kinnison, Dice, all of those guys, Sandra Bernhard, all of them, all of the comedy store greats, Jim Carrey,

all those guys started there. And so they have these neon signs that they made for, like, some of their best ones. And it was basically, it's prior, Kinnison, Robin Williams, I forget, you just go around the room, it's like, you know, it's like five Mount Rushmore's with the people.

So last night you went in there and they usually have them all lit up and they only had Robin's lit up. It was really fucking cool. And I wanted to try out a bunch of new stuff, so I'm like, well, shit, there's your sign right there. Robin Williams, the king of fucking improv. So I've just been going down there

and, you know, as every hour starts out with, it starts out with that idea, that little chunk. And I've been fucking around with the order and I just went up there and I did like 15 minutes, nothing from my special. There was a couple of leftover ideas that didn't get developed or didn't make the special for whatever reason.

Not like I made a choice for them not to be in the special, they just didn't come out, you know. I just did my act and those jokes didn't get told. So I've just been having a great fucking time being home. And I don't know, now I'm getting ready to do the fucking road and I'm literally having like a panic attack. Like, ah fuck, I gotta go back out there again. But I know the second I get out there, it's gonna be great.

And I'm really looking forward to these oddball shows because, one, I need the fucking money. I haven't worked in two months and I got the downstairs hanging over my goddamn head. You know what kills me is we put in this walk-in closet, right? Downstairs, off this bathroom. And, you know, it's an old house, so it's a walk-in closet the size of how fat people are today

and how much extra shit we buy compared to back in the day when people, you know, used to take shit down to the cobbler or get the TV repaired. The TV repairman was actually a fucking career, you know. He didn't just keep buying shit and then going to Goodwill and throwing it at him and then buying more shit. So anyways, I basically, this is how fucking hilarious women are and how much faster their fucking brains are in certain areas.

When we came and we looked at this house, I was just... I don't know what I was looking at. I just liked it. And when we left the house, she was just like, what'd you think? I was like, I don't know, I liked that one. And she kind of went like, I liked it too. And then we got like excited.

But she had already worked out what room was going to be hers and which closets were going to be hers. And I have like, I got like two half a closets. You know, back when like someone who was like, for clothes, for like back when somebody was my size, he was considered like, I don't know what. Like I would be in like the early days of the NBA at 5'10", 170, 175, I don't know what, you know,

on a shit franchise, I could have actually been a power forward. I'm just saying people were smaller back then. And if you don't realize that, go to an old stadium, whatever's left, the Yale Bowl to the Rose Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, you go out to those old stadiums. And what's hilarious is they're a third of the size of the new stadiums and they hold more people, they hold like 100,000 people. Now a lot of that is because there's not luxury boxes

and all that fucking space where they have people walking around. But when you're sitting down where they have the numbers on the aluminum benches, it's like they used to be back in the old Patriot Stadium. If you stood up during the winter when everybody had their puffy coats on during an exciting play, if you were the last person to try to sit down in your row, you lost your seat. And you had to kind of crouch down and wait for something else good to happen as people threw shit at you, you know, in a joking way, going down in front,

knowing what the deal was. So anyway, so I have like these two, like one of the closets I have is so fucking small, like it's basically from, it's my shoulder width. And it's long and it's that wide. And up top it has like some, almost like, it's not baseboard, it's not the middle of the wall. And then it has, what I hang my clothes on are, you know, like nunchuck handles. Just imagine nunchuck handles being twice the size of that.

And there's three of those. And I set them on that baseboard, that's not a baseboard, halfway up the wall at a 45 degree angle. There's three of them. And then I hang clothes on them. And what happens is inevitably I reach, when I have to grab something in the second row, if I go to pull it off, if I pull it off too quickly, the whole thing falls down and takes down another row.

So anyways, anyways, I got to say this quietly, because she's in the other room. When we started this fucking project, okay, that walk-in closet downstairs, that was going to be mostly mine and partly hers, but it was going to be mostly mine. And I don't know what happened during the fucking project, but like I've lost real estate down there again. I swear to God, and now I'm actually, you know what I'm thinking?

I'm like, I need to redo the garage. And I'm like, there it is. There it is. I'm the stereotypical guy. I am gradually being squeezed out of my house, and I'm going to, I used to do a bit about that. Then when you get married, all of your shit ends up in either the basement or the garage. We don't have a basement, but we have a garage.

So, and this is the funny thing. I'm actually looking forward to it because it's not attached to the house. So I could just kind of have that, you know, I can walk away from my life. That actually was a fantasy of mine. Like my dream house, you know, if I wasn't in this fucking business, was I would live out more in the country, not literally the country, but I would live in a place that looked like the country, but was still like a 45 minute drive to a major city.

And I always wanted, I always like old houses because I make everything in my fucking life difficult, you know, rather than just buying a new one, I just, I like old shit. So I would buy an old house, fix the whole thing up, but it would have a garage with a room over the garage that is detached from the house. Ideally, it's an old barn. And down below, I would have my old truck and then I would have some selfish vehicle like a fucking Corvette, some two-seater, like fuck you people, I know I'm married, but you know, I need some me time.

And then upstairs, I'd have my drums, guitars and all of that shit, you know, and then, you know, of course, a flat screen TV and a fuss. I'd go all out of fucking refrigerator, right? With like, you know, all kinds of booze in there. Humidor cigars, you know, fire escape up the back for whores, whatever. You get the idea. So now I'm thinking, you know, I got this garage. I mean, not like I'm going to put another floor on it, but eventually,

I'm actually at this point because of my situation in my house, my lack of closet space and the fact that I bought this old Ludwig drum kit with John Bonham sized drums, like a 26 inch bass drum. It's fucking huge. That I'm actually thinking of eventually, I don't know, redoing the, I'm more excited to redo the garage than I am the kitchen. Put it that way because that's how it works. That's how it works.

By the way, somebody sent me a, somebody sent me a text of Mel Gibson's divorce settlement. And you know what was funny? The first half of it didn't even bother me. He was worth like 800 million. He's been with his wife for 30 years. She gave him seven fucking kids. Okay. Seven kids.

So she gets half that fortune. You know what? I don't got a problem with that. Fuck it. You know, I'll take 400 million. Who gives a fuck at that point? You had seven kids. God bless you.

Here you go. I'll give you 500 million. I'll keep 300 million. What fucking killed me is she gets half of all of his checks for the rest of her life, the rest of Mel's life. And that's, that's that extra shit. Like it's like, come on, man, he just gave you 400 million dollars. You can't, you can't like survive on that for the rest of your life.

You got to go after that. But I guess what it is, is really, it isn't even about the money. It's more about, I gave you 30 years of my fucking life. Okay. I absolutely blew out my fucking body for you. And now you're going to go get with this Russian whore. And what am I going to do? I wanted to hang with you for the rest of my life.

You don't want to enjoy our golden years. And now I got to go to a fucking bingo parlor to find somebody else. Yeah. Maybe I get it. Maybe I get it, but I got to be honest, somebody sent me that, that, uh, or tweeted it to me and I read it and it actually was keeping me up at night last night, thinking about that. Um, but I always end up finding the positive. I was just like, you know what?

I would just completely 100% downsize my life. And I would live like I'd have one fork, one spoon, one knife, one bowl, one plate, one glass. I would just make everything super fucking simple. Um, I dress like fucking Albert Einstein. You know, I would have the same fucking outfit every goddamn day. I would just make it ridiculously simple. Um, yeah. And then I'd live in it.

I get a flat screen and a fucking pullout couch and I would just have all the sports packages and a dog. And that would be it. And I would just keep it like that. And I drive my old truck and that would be it. I would just, that would be it. That would be my fucking life. I would Chuck Taylor's. I would just keep it simple.

That actually doesn't sound like a bad life, does it? I mean, even that life, that's how spoiled I am living in a first world country. Like that's my, you know, did you hear what happened to Bill? He has a place to live and can watch sports 24 hours a day and he has a dog and he has his health. The poor bastard. All right. Um, let's get to the last advertising read here. All right, this read, it's prosper everybody prosper in 72 hours.

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All personal loans are made by Web Bank, a Utah Chartered Industrial Bank, member FDIC, Equal Housing Lender. Alright, so that's the advertising for this week. Let's get back to the podcast. Oh my God, so I didn't mention I was up late night, and I was watching, you know, having a couple of drinks. This was months and months ago, and it was one of those time life music collections, and it was this easy listening rock, this easy listening rock music that they had, and they just had like two former stars, and then going, who can forget this one, you know, the music of our childhood is so important. Absolutely, Randy, and it's timeless.

What about this BG song, right? Shadow Dancing, or whatever the fuck they were singing. I can't, for some reason, I'm going blank on all the fucking songs. So long story short, I actually bought the box set, and I've just been driving around, listening to this fucking soft rock. Baby, if you want me, baby, if you need me, you're the only one of this, all of this shit. So they actually had a Doobie Brothers song, Saturday in the Park, and I realized that as a comedian, my bucket list is I want to be in the city of Boston at Karaoke, and I want to listen to somebody sing that song, just for the first line. You know?

Say, in the Park! People in Boston don't really say say, they say Saturday. Why don't you come over on Saturday? Hey, me is in here. A man selling ice cream. Singing Italian songs. You got to admit, how great is that? It's very positive and uplifting, but was he really just in the Park on a Saturday and just wrote a song about the things that he was observing?

Because it really sounds like that. People dancing, people laughing, a man selling ice cream, singing Italian songs. Anyways. Are you talking about your box set that you got drunk at one in the morning? Yeah. What are some of the other songs that were on there? It was like, they have air supply on there, and Linda Ronstant. Linda Ronstant doing the smoking.

You're so vain, that's it. I bet you think that song is about you, right? Yeah, all that soft rock. One of these eight CD sets. Remember this from the, you know? Oh, absolutely. And I'll tell you right now. One of my favorite things was this next guy.

What was that guy, Rupert something or other? Rupert Holmes, him, him, a song I have never heard of in my entire life. That was a filler song. Then they also had all these songs from the 80s. It kind of bothered me that they actually, they had a couple of... But this is stuff that you would find on like a easy listening type of like old school soft rock station, right? I think it's just because... At four, seven, the wave.

Exactly. But I have like a line drawn in the sand as far as like 70s and 80s, because to me... How you do? Why? Because I just think as you go from decade to decade, it's just such a jarring change. Because whoever's coming up, if they're going to make it, you know, if you try to do that more of the same, you're literally going to try to float on the fumes of this other style that's going on. You've got to change.

So that disco went into like new wave into that metal music, into grunge. And then rap took over and like, not like rap wasn't around, but like, I just, I don't know. I mean, for me, like that 70s, like how do you put in like with Saturday in the park? How do you put in like Genesis or Mike and the Mechanics in the living years? Because I think it's just all sort of... I never talked to my dad. A general. He was a fucking dick.

But he bought me a bicycle. A general genre of just like soft, not too hard. Oh, say it loud. Back up black singers to make me sound like I have soul. You better not be referring to Michael McDonald because he is a national treasure. I was talking about Mike and the Mechanics. Who's that? Oh, no, I've heard of him.

He was the bearded guy who looked like the father on Family Ties, but he was actually in Genesis. Oh, okay. I know what the father of Family Ties looked like. That's an awesome song. That's something people your age, 10 years younger than me, think that song is awesome. Is it not? No, because you were having awesome memories when that song came out. You didn't have to pay for anything.

You went to school, like your big thing was like, oh my God, I have a pimple on my face. Like your life was easy. Why can't I just like a song because I like a song? Because that song sucks. Does it really? It's so fun. Is this when people decided that they didn't like Phil Collins because he went into like... No, this is when people were loving everything that he was doing.

Oh, okay. They forgot... See, one thing people forget about Phil Collins is that guy is one of the greatest drummers in the last 40 years. He's a fucking insane drummer. And Genesis initially was this progressive rock band. Had Peter Gabriel and it was just monsters in this band. And they trimmed down.

Like all of them. After a while, it's just like, man, let's just get fucking paid, man. Let's stop doing 20-minute jams. Wait, who is that band that their video is hilarious because they're on some sort of boardwalk and they're playing... Like they're miming, playing instruments. Even though they know how to do it, that's journey. Yeah.

Wait, it says, someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. Yeah. Yeah, and they're fucking sitting there, sorry. The concepts for when they first started making videos are just... You just see how they're just throwing everything against the wall and just seeing what works. They're like, how about we play with no instruments, man? Yeah, let's try to make it interesting.

It's like, why would you do that? But they thought it was a really cool concept at the time. But 80s videos are the best. They're so much fun. Another Phil Collins one. This is solo Phil Collins that you love that's on this collection that who can forget these songs needed. Who can forget this hit? Was that song...

Take a look at me now, yeah. Yeah. That song's awful. I've danced a lot. No, it's not. Because I have a gun in my mouth. And even though I'm a rock star and I can get a bunch of pussy, I can't stop thinking about your fold.

There's really no need. There's really no need for you to take it to that dark place, okay? Yeah, it is. It is a dark place. They had the memorial for Robin Williams. It's a sad fucking time. And that song will make you put a fucking gun in your mouth. I mean, it is pretty depressing.

Thank you. Okay. Fair enough. See that? That's why you're the shit. Why? Because I eventually agree with you. No, because if you're wrong, you admit it.

Yeah, it is depressing. But it's beautiful at the same time. But it's very sad. It is definitely something you listen to in the dark, crying, and drinking alone. I drive down the street like rooting for Phil. Come on, get your shit together. You sound like you're on her front lawn. Look at me now.

Look at me. Look at me. It's an empty space. She's dating some bigger dude. You want me to go take care of that guy? No, I'll handle it. I'll handle it. Phil, you have to stop coming over here.

You have to stop. I told you that moves on. And you coming back to me. Philip, I've called the police, okay? He's got a hatchback with all his shit in the back. Poor Phil Collins. His dumb tennis shoes that don't have fucking laces in them. How is Phil Collins these days?

There was an article written about him, I feel like, in Rolling Stone a few years ago. Yeah, it was really... Like the angriest man in rock or something. No, no, no. I wasn't angry. He was just... He was in a bad place. He was going through like his third fucking divorce.

And physically, he couldn't play drums anymore. But I think he's come out of that. And he was also... Couldn't understand why he was considered the anti-Christ by a lot of music fans. Why was he... That's what I was wondering. That's why I was saying earlier. Wasn't there a period where people decided that they hated him?

Why? Because there's this tipping... Succeeded? Yeah, but there's this tipping point where you become so successful and you have so much money. And when the next group of people comes up and they rebel against that era, like in the 80s, disco sucked. All right? And the 60s were the coolest fucking thing ever. And then the 90s came and then the 90s, it was like the 70s were fucking cool.

Boogie Nights and all that shit. And then the 80s were like, you know, that was all cheesy horseshit and hair metal and all that fucking crap. So he got so big, he defined that era kind of like the Bee Gees. So I think now it's coming back around where people like him. Like you like him, Joe DeRosa. The Teen Sensation? The Teen Idol Sensation from the Opian Anthony program. He loves Phil Collins.

Oh, he's actually going to be down the goddamn comedy jam tonight. Oh, is he? Yeah. Very good. Is he going to jam, man? He's going to sing. Oh my God, this is incredible. I'm very excited for it.

Oh, you know how I love our son, Joe DeRosa. As we used to call him, we lived in New York. He's always, we'd have him come over for dinner. Bill and Hyde kind of adopted Joe when we all lived in New York. Yeah, and you two guys, the way you guys would eat like steak to the point you would eat, when you get a rib eye, you'd be eating all the gristle too. Like I never saw that. It was like one of that John Candy movie where he had to eat the thing, the fat.

Yeah, he was eating that big steak or whatever it is. And you had a 72 ounce. Yeah, no, Joe and I like to get, we like to get right down into it. Joe said he would eat the bones if he could. Okay, well, I'm not going to go that far. But yeah, you got to get all the meat off that bone, baby. Hey, go grab another mic, so I don't have to keep passing it over to you. Go grab another mic with the cord and all that.

And I'm going to read one of these questions here. Okay. Oh, hey, this is a good thing here. I want to thank the listeners. Everybody went out and downloaded Nick Youssef's All Things Comedy member. Part of the mob here, the podcast mob who downloaded his comedy album last week. Everybody was really pleased. A lot of people hadn't heard about Nick.

He's underground. I don't want to be the first person on your block to say, hey, I know about this cool new comedian. Seriously, man, this guy's the real deal. And his album made it to number three on iTunes. How about that? Hey, the microphone's in the closet. My half a closet that I have, Nene. What do you mean, oh God?

Can we talk about that, Nia? How I walked in and just loved this house. You walked in, loved this house, and also picked out all the choice spots. That's fucking amazing. How are you able to do that? How did you do that? How can you just take all the fucking closets and leave me without a space? Do you need me to test this thing first?

For my fucking shirts and my damn socks. All the spots are for you. You're a closet whore. I really don't appreciate that. We both have the same kind of closet space in the bedroom, so that's equal. Okay, you want to trade closets? What do you mean? In this area?

Well, no, I mean, I have all my stuff settled right now. How brilliant was that? She literally gives herself time. You want to trade closets? What do you mean? All of a sudden, you don't understand English? I understand. Excuse me.

Don't insult me. Don't play the I'm offended card. Okay, you know exactly what's going on. I have half a fucking closet that's hanging off this house that is not up to code. And it has a piece of fucking wood holding it up. I told you that I would help you go to the container store and figure out how to organize your shit the way that I did. That's what I did. You saw it took me like three months to figure it all out and get it all in there perfectly.

I told you I could help you with that. I swear to God, I am going to slap you in your lion face. You're not slapping anything. I told you I would help you out. So you don't have patience for that sort of thing. Are you done with your horseshit? Both of your closets you can walk into. You can walk into that one.

In what stance sideways? I can't really. You know what I can do with my closets? I can do that hammer time dance in both of my closets. And you know what? Either the back of my head or my little button nose is going to scrape on the wall. And I did say button nose. I have a cute nose on my giant face.

I thought I was the one with the cute nose. You know something? You took all the closet space. Can I at least be the one with the cute nose? Okay. There we go. You can have the nose. You know I'm going to get trashed for that on the podcast.

I'm looking forward to it. He makes cookies. Hey. Yes dear. So now we're going to, don't start yes dear in me. That downstairs closet that will be done in 2016. That is mine. I think we're going to share it is really what we've.

I don't like the way you share. What is that? What are you talking about? I'm going to have this closet up here. I'm only putting down. You have two closets upstairs that you can walk into and do a little dance. Make it a little love. Get down tonight.

Who can forget this one? Who can forget this one? Let's get to the questions for the week. Homeless with a plan. Dear boxcar Billy. That's good. That's actually really good. If you found yourself homeless tomorrow.

What would you, what would be your game plan? Oh my God. Where would you set up shop? Are you an under the bridge guy? That's the first thing I thought of or a beach guy. I'm definitely not a beach guys. Do you sleep all day to be alert to the dangers of the night? Oh, is that what they do?

Yeah. That makes sense. That makes complete sense. Yeah. They sleep during the day. I think that's also just common sense though, actually. You know what they're like? They're like rabbits.

What does that mean? Rabbits are like the cute and furry, but vicious. No, rabbits are just like they exist to keep everything else fed in nature. That's why they fuck like rabbits. They can have a bunch of them. They're like coleslaw on the meat platter. I can hate coleslaw. Coleslaw really is like a filler.

It fills up the plate. But I actually was defending coleslaw to Paul Verzi. It's like when somebody knows how to make it, so many people don't know how to make it. They make it all wet and fucking milky. Man easy. Yeah. Too much mayonnaise. What about our old neighbor though?

He made the fucking, he made the hearty one. Yeah, he made it very like crisp and it's more like vinegary and tangy. Jason Lawhead makes an unbelievable fucking coleslaw. But Jason Lawhead can cook anything and can make a meal out of anything. That's right. Let me finish this right here. Okay. Do you sleep all day to be alert to the dangers of night?

You could beg or play drums on some pots and pans. Thanks for the last listener from New Hampshire. New Hampshire? Oh, I'll tell you New Hampshire. That's God's country up there. That was the first time we ever took like a little vacation together. Do you remember that? It was in New Hampshire.

And the captain's quarters? Captains. Quarters? That's a little like beach, lake type business they've got over there. Anyway, I could see you. That was great. That was great. And it was, it was perfect white trash for me.

There's enough tatted up people with tank tops. It was enough fucking, just so that I ate mac and cheese as a main course meal like me with toast. Remember when I tried to, to like spray that kind of like tinter, tense SPF on you. It was supposed to give you like a tan and it didn't work. I remember that. And I used like two fucking spray cans and nothing happened. It just wouldn't take. Like your skin repels color.

Like it's resistant to color. Like it just won't happen for you. It won't happen. Yeah, it just won't. You get more freckles on your forearms and like your lower legs. But other than that, it's nothing. Well, what happens is if my, Who can't take like a spray tan, essentially?

Like what kind of pasty, melanin deficient fucking piece of freak nature are you that you can't even. I'm being so mean right now. I am not. I don't give a shit. It's true. I will, you notice I didn't interrupt you. I will, I will object when you say something that isn't accurate. All right.

So obviously sleeping during the day is going to be rough for me because of the sun. So I either choose a beat down or I get sunburned. So you definitely got to do, you got to do the bridge. It's, it's shadier for you. But it also, it also smells like yarn. So, you know, you got to take the good with the. And who can forget this impactful hit? Um, you know, I used to, I used to play drums with this guy and he was into the chili peppers.

And, uh, we used to play the song that was really fun to play, but I hated the lyrics. Why? Suck my kiss. Oh, okay. I hate. Suck my kiss. Fucking hated the lyrics. Uh, yeah, that's a rough one.

Realize I don't want to be a miser. The best thing about the red hot chili peppers is flee. Right? No, it's the whole band. It's the whole band. The whole band is awesome. I love Anthony Q. I like David.

You hated his fucking. What? His Hitler mustache. Not his Hitler mustache. Cause I hated that. Uh, his autobiography where it was just one and then I was banging this hot chick and I was in love. Yeah. And I found it.

Then I had a threesome. I found it insufferable. I found insufferable. I liked Dave. And you know what? He came off to me like a bully and he was mean to flee and I was like, this guy's a dick. Flee needs to know how to draw some fucking lines and be like, listen Anthony, I'm not putting up with that shit.

I think Flee knows how to take care of himself. Just fine. Flee seems scrappy. And like a little bit crazy. He is scrappy, but you know what? He wears his heart on his sleeve. That's what I got out of it. Oh, Flee.

Oh, Flee. Let's start into a Flee love fest. Flee, we love you. Um. You would definitely, you would be a street performer for sure. Box card billy. I swear to God. It's fantastic.

I would, uh, you'd be a buzzer. No, this is what I didn't know. I would be up during the day and I would sleep at night until I took that first brutal ass kicking. Like when the clockwork orange guys came around and started kicking me in the ribs, then I would be a broken ribbed balding billy sleeping on the sidewalk. Like that guy down the street when I walked Cleo by Cleo. Always funny.

Like, you know, she's always viewing everybody as a threat. She actually looks down at this person with like this look of concern. Right. Is he okay? Yeah. She goes over and like she wants to like sniff and stuff and stuff. Yeah. Like, hey buddy.

Is everything all right? She's curious about a lot of people. It's interesting. It's been not necessarily in a bad way. I don't think I see her kind of wanting to approach women a lot of time. She's sexist. So yeah, I would, I would be a, uh, I would initially be an under the bridge guy, but I would find a bridge that nobody else was at.

Um, on, I would also be homeless in a, the nicest neighborhood I could be in. Um, they'd run you out though. You can't be a nice neighborhood. Well, let's, I'm saying like the nicest neighbor I could be homeless in. Well, cause then I could walk to a nicer neighborhood and be like, Hey man, can you help me out? Have a heart. And I would have every lie on my sign, terminal disease, homeless, vet, anything I could fucking do.

I got to make money. I do anything. What do you think about those people who are like, you know, why lie? I want to get high. Well, I didn't mean to rhyme like that. I liked it at first, but now I think it's hacky. Okay. You need to get a new, you need to get a new, uh, slogan there.

Clever homeless people. Absolutely. All right. So we got to get moving here cause we got to get the dog in the, uh, we're already an hour and fiance getting crazy fit. Hey, Billy biceps. Uh, today, say that. Yeah.

Oh, why? You didn't like it cause it was sort of complimentary. No. Come on. I'm going to shape my end right now. You look amazing. Thank you. Uh, today I have an odd problem that I am hoping you can lend me some advice.

Uh, I should have said and I'm hoping not that I'm, that I'm hoping. I have always been on and on and off gym rat. My fiance is amazing looking and worked as a Disney world dancer, which kept her in fantastic shape. Recently she took a new job and sits behind a desk all day looking for a new way to stay fit. She started heading to the gym with me. All was great for a while.

So recently she found a new workout program. Now she's addicted to lifting and with the advice of a personal trainer is looking to become a bikini competitor. Sounds great. Right? Not so much. First off, most bikini competitions are crazy ripped. Manly ripped.

Uh, if I was into that, I would, I would change teams. Uh, next issue. Okay. No. I'm going to keep going. Would you want your man to look like a woman? Uh, next issue is that she doesn't want to talk, talk about my ignorance at the end of this.

I realized 40% of why that was an ignorant comment. Next issue is that she doesn't want to have fun anymore. We're in the mid twenties, no kids and live alone. We normally do a little partying, which has gotten cut out to save all calories. And last off is that she really is a 10. Now her swinging dick in the weight room throws lines. No, no, no. Now every swinging dick in the weight room throws lines at her every day.

I trust her and have no worries, but it gets under your skin for these selfish reasons. I could use some advice. I support her no matter what, but still want her to have fun and have no interest in dating a man, but I have no interest in dating man. Any good idea? Maybe the lovely Nia could yell at me and set me straight. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

You really have a reputation here. Oh yeah. You're going to, you're going to fucking get it. You're absolutely going to get it. Hey, hey. Who made you the fucking authority on everything? Get off your, oh, you're going to get it. Shut up, Nia.

Uh, no, I will not shut up. This guy needs to shut up because, oh, you feel in a certain kind of way because your girlfriend is, you know, growing without you and you still want to lie around and be a tub of shit. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah. That's completely inaccurate. Uh, I know, uh, I know, we know somebody that has done bikini fitness a female and she

doesn't look like a dude at all. There are the girls that are, do really the steroid shit, which is, yeah, that's, that's, that's not a good look. Um, and then there are the girls who are, do the natural, uh, thing. There's different like categories of it, but they're like the natural girls and then they're the ones that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, like circa 1983. Obviously, that, obviously you don't want that. I totally get that.

I wouldn't, you know, if a girlfriend was going in that direction, I'd be like, ah, no. So of course, but yeah, if she's getting in shape and she really loves it, no, she's not going to want to go out drinking. She's not going to want to go out. Like that's kind of just part of it. Then they don't drink water, so it sucks everything up right before the, the thing and then they go out and they paint themselves brown and then they go out there and they got literally, they show shredded.

They have like veins coming out of where their bush should be. Yeah. She's not, she's not going to end up looking like a dude. I really don't think that that's a real fear that you have. So you really need to stop it with that. Like a fucking break. Like, just know that when you're lifting weights, all of a sudden she's going to be like, yo, what's up?

Like, she has to keep the long hair though. She has to keep the long hair because eventually, you have long hair. And that competition. Okay. All right. Cause all I'm saying is eventually, if she keeps working out, her ass is going to feel like an elbow. And if she has the short hair, you could really feel like, wank a wank, that's the

Oz thing. She's not going to end up looking like a dude. You're just getting insecure because yet, like you said, the dudes in the weight room are starting to talk to her. And so you're trying to deal with that by being like, I don't want to fucking date a man. Okay. I mean, calm down, sweetie.

Yeah. But you know something on the other side though. He cares about herself. He cares about her. He's worried that he's going to lose her. You're being a douche to him right now. No, he's being a douche by being like, I don't want to date a guy. If I wanted that, I'd switch teams, like throwing that ridiculous shit in there.

Just come out with it. Just say you're feeling insecure because she's looking better than ever. And these meathead dudes that could probably bench press you are now talking to her. And now you're feeling a certain kind of way. That's exactly what's going on. You know, Nia, if you want people to hear your point, you can't shit on them like that. I'm sorry. Did you just tell me that?

Yeah. Because that's what you do. Yeah. But now when I'm not really shits on everybody burr, but not when I want somebody to hear my point. Okay. Well, maybe I do. Oh, I'm just saying, well, maybe I can fucking hear it from you, but I can tell you this,

Nia, there is a certain point where a woman gets in such ridiculous shape, you lose a lot of the femininity, however you say that fucking word. Okay. Yeah. You want to like a little softness. Yeah. I understand. Something to hold on to.

You want to feel like you're cradling your buddy in a foxhole trying to fucking hold your breath there in the mustard gas. That kind of makes old Willie take a fucking vacation. Well, has, I mean, that's the thing though, has she even gotten to that point? Or is he just like freaking out? No, she's going to do the competitions. Yeah. But as I said in the beginning, there are competitions where you got more of a natural

vibe going on. Can you validate any of his feelings? I validate his feelings if he'd just be honest with his feelings and stop throwing her under the bus. Selfish reasons. Okay. I could use some advice. He had a sense of humor.

Maybe Nia. He also said that maybe I could yell at him. Yeah. He's being funny. Okay. Well, I'm a little playful in this there. Okay. All right.

Jeez, Louise. Look at you getting all upset about it. Why are you getting all emotional? Because I want some closet space too. This podcast theme is all about men feeling emasculated and how you need to get the fuck over it. Yeah. I did that.

See that? What? See what? This is what I've always said about women. Don't point at me. I'm pointing right at you. Everything that you guys don't want us to do to you, you guys do to us in a fucking heartbeat and you don't even see it because we can beat the shit out of you.

So you don't fucking see, you don't see the humanity in us. Why don't you cue, you doing that, but can you add, can we make that some sort of sound effect that I can hit every time you're like, see, when guys do it, you guys are like this, but when you do it, it's fine. I'm going to hit a button and have you go, because that's exactly what you are. Good. Now can I do that back to you? No.

You see, again, you're always like, yeah, see, because this and this, it's like, I've never seen, who, I feel like, I don't want to make a point, you stick your face out. I don't want it. I don't want to get racial. Yeah, go ahead. Do it. Do it. I swear to God, fucking straight white men love trying to keep score about shit.

It's like, see, when you guys do this, we can't do this, but then that and then that, it's like you guys are fighting so hard to maintain the status quo. It's actually laughable. The kind of ridiculous things that'll come out of your mouth in order to like keep things, the way they used to be back when this goddamn country meant something and stood something for something. I'm literally talking about closet space and you turn me into some guy in Mississippi burning.

You know something, what you just fucking did that whole ridiculous thing of the status quo. What am I an 80 year old Republican? Do you think I honestly have meetings with my other white male straight friends? We need to talk about the status quo and how to maintain it. How to maintain it. This country is getting overrun with the, with the, with the, you know what it is, the women who like to lift weights and they're not, they're not women anymore.

God damn it. Put a skirt on and get back in the kitchen. Yeah. And you know what's funny is you can fucking sit there and go off on all these manned boys with their fucking hoodies who are in their thirties and talk all awkward and that shit how you're fucking over there. Come on. Come on.

You know what it is, Nia? Yeah. Yeah. You don't have a, you don't have an ability to step outside yourself and just see how ridiculous and dumb you really are. Is that what needs to happen? You're not, you're not a smart person and nobody likes you. All right.

Let's move to the next one. Most of those things are categorical. Fish tanks. Did we even answer this thing? Uh, well, why don't you answer it? I would answer it this way. All right. You got it.

She's going to be in great shape, which is a good thing. It's better than dating a fatty. Um, sorry. Um, this is the deal. I shouldn't have said that. That was extra mean. I didn't mean that, but, uh, she's only going to be in that gross shape the few days before the competition where she's completely fucking emaciated and actually doing damage, more

damage than good to her body, depriving her vitals of, of water, um, and that awful fucking tan. And no, it's gross. Have you seen them go out there? They look fucking, first of all, they look, you know what they look, they look, they look raceless. You want to play the race card? They look raceless.

They all look that terrible shade of brown. No, they, they look like, uh, what's that fucking, that meat that you eat, you go and you buy a big stick of it. It's not even brown. It's orange. That's seven, 11 beef jerky slim gym. Like if beef jerky was a race, that's what they look like. Slim gym.

Yeah. Stand me to a slim gym. Uh, but like I said, there's different, there's several different kinds of categories of those fitness competitions for women. It's not all like Schwarzenegger style. So just, you know, I don't know. Sorry. I gave my opinion already.

Yeah. Guys don't know. No, no, no, your senator. This guy ever goes like, God, geez, you see the biceps on that chick? Some guys liked that though. They liked that really like worked out abs popping, guns blazing. Can I tell you something? There's somebody out there fucking a rug.

Okay. There's, you can pick up anything in the fucking world. There's something that's, look at the fan over there. There's probably some guy that likes to jerk off in front of it and fill the wind, oscillating onto his dick. Yeah. There's somebody into everything. That don't make a right.

I'm just trying to be the white guy you just painted me to be. All right. Fish tanks. Dear barnacle Billy. My very clever with these. They are. My listeners is smart. My friend just spent a thousand bucks on this crazy fish tank and exotic fish to go with

it. It's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. To each his own. But what's the call here? That's an absolute waste of money. It's not like he's, he has an awesome apartment that it fits in with the decor.

On the other hand, that goes to prove he might have an honest passion for fish tanks. Now I don't know how to, now I don't know how to feel. Please give me your thoughts. Come back to Seattle. So yeah, he sounds like a pothead. I like how this is, it's bothering him enough that he's got to write you about it. Like what the fuck? A thousand dollars.

Yeah. You live in this shit hole. You got this thousand. I was going to say, it's not like he has an awesome apartment that fits him with the decor. Yeah, you know. On the other hand, it goes to prove he might have an honest passion for fish tanks. I think that's true.

He covered the topic. Yeah. He just likes, you know what? Fish in the like aquariums are very like calming to some people. So it might be like, why are you making, why are you making that noise? Because that's that fucking like somebody said that, and I've never heard a doctor say that. I've heard that repeated.

Yeah. Why do you need a doctor to say what sues you or not in order to make it legitimate? Because they are the ones that know how to take your blood pressure. You're right. So they would actually know. Okay. How do you know that that didn't come from the aquarium industry? And when fish fell out of favor around 72, 73, and people stopped getting aquariums.

Did you ever hear that, that rumor that Tracy Morgan had like an octopus or something like that? Yeah. I've seen video of it. No. He has like sharks and shit. Yeah. That's kind of cool.

No. He doesn't have to take it. He doesn't have to take his kids to the aquarium. He just takes them to the living room. Right. There's no turnstile or nothing. Like he could charge money for his aquarium. I think I heard somebody was saying that maybe he was going to get an octopus.

Yeah. I had no idea. I'm just happy that he's still around and can make that decision to be honest with him. I'm looking forward to when he gets back to the clubs. It seems like buying fish is a pretty harmless habit. It can be a little like, what the fuck though, if you've got someone living in this shit whole apartment and they're spending a thousand dollars on fish, that's fucking ridiculous. You know, when I was a kid, my dad, my dad used to, we used to have piranhas.

Oh, you did? Yeah. We used to call them. And it was always the same name. Charlie. You had piranha, Charlie, and you'd throw the goldfish in and he would just destroy them. Oh my God.

So much stuff is starting to make sense now. And he would eat like, you'd put in like, I remember one time we put like the whole bag in. You've never told me that you own piranhas and that you five little psychos would like. We had a piranha and then we, then my dad had another thing, another tank was called an arowana. I swear to God. And it was this eel looking like fish and that thing used to also eat fish and it would

just go like, it would like just fucking like lash out and grab them. And one time the fish was too big and it kept hitting it and hitting it and hitting it. And we were all sitting there laughing because we thought it was funny. Then afterwards we started feeling bad for the fish. So my dad reached in, took it out and brought it over the counter and took a knife and cut its head off and then threw it back in the tank. And that's my childhood. Once again, so many things becoming clear.

I'll stop it. And you know what? And someday when the shit hits the fan and the food supply ends and you can't cut the fish off that head, cut the fish off that cut the head. I think I have dyslexia. Do I? I mean, I can't read. I can't even speak.

No, it's not that. You know what it is? Cut the fish off the head. It's your ADD. Your brain moves faster than your mouth. And like, I know somewhere when there's an insult, you kind of skimming things because you're already, you want to be like down here when you're up here. It's your ADD.

I told you. Okay. Under control. How can you just fucking diagnose me? I'm right though. Remember when you took that adult ADHD quiz, I made you take that quiz online. I crushed that quiz. I got every answer right.

Crushed it by being like, yes, you have ADHD. We recommend you like see somebody. Click on this link. And Adam. Fuck you. Why don't you take a test? And Adam Levine is sitting there like, hey, I also have ADHD, but that didn't prevent me from being a huge asshole rockstar.

Why don't you like him? I like him in theory. You turned on that guy. You loved him when he first came out. I did. I liked Maroon 5. I did like it, but the more he started talking, the less I liked him. But I do like his music.

Well, maybe if he didn't steal his fucking music, he could just be out in the road doing that instead of spinning around on a lazy boy going, I want to put you on my team to sing, row, row, row, your boat. All right. Hot dogs, everybody. There's plenty of money in Maroon 5, and he wants to be a bigger star. That's why he's on the voice. That's why he's shilling ADHD medication.

You don't know him. You don't know him. You're right. I don't know him. Hot dogs. Bill, my girlfriend is grossed out by hot dogs. I was wondering why he didn't go Billy Frankfurt. My girlfriend is grossed out by hot dogs.

She says they're made of gross parts of many animals. Yeah, true. She's right. I told her, we get it. You agree with the women on this. I told her, I'm aware, which is why I only eat like 12 a year. 12 hot dogs a year. Hey, if you did coke once a month, you wouldn't have a problem.

That's true. See? We're not encouraging people to do coke once a month. But if you are, just do it once a month. Just do it once a month. Which isn't that much. A coupe at a time. Couple.

I think it's supposed to be a couple at a time. And only at BBQs. That's a lot of BBQs. It's my crazy that I think this guy might be black. Why? Barbecue. You put coupe. Like coupe de ville.

Basically, you're saying that because things are hot. This is a Cadillac driving hot dog eating barbecue eating black guy. That's what I'm guessing. So she says she won't kiss me for hours after eating one. So I told her I won't kiss her for hours after drinking coffee. And let me tell you, Bill, she drinks a good amount of coffee. How'd I do here? Awful.

You turned into the unaccepted skid. Now you didn't turn into it. You made it worse. You were like, oh, you're going to be a douche? I'll be even a bigger douche. And now you guys aren't going to be kissing. Yeah, that is the dumbest thing for you guys to fight about. Yeah, she's going to bang the guy at the coffee truck.

And you're going to fuck a girl in the bleachers. I really love how he eats hot dogs so much that his girlfriend is like, I won't refuse to kiss you because he eats that many fucking hot dogs that it's an actual issue. Listen, I understand why you eat them. And I also understand that she doesn't want to kiss the after breath of a pig's asshole. Yeah. That's a good point. I mean, I would never not kiss you because you ate a hot dog.

That's a little extreme, for sure. Oh, and by the way, coffee breath. Coffee breath is fucking disgusting. Coffee breath, I feel like it's probably worse than hot dog breath. It is. Right? I think they should put coffee in the water that they have hot dogs in. Coffee dogs.

Coffee dogs. Dog coffee. Coffee. Either way, it's dumb of you guys to be fighting about this. So. Yeah. You guys should be a more mature couple, like myself and Nia. All right.

Book suggestion. Billy Shakespeare. That's another good one. I'm catching up on old podcasts and heard you talk about World War II books. That was a year ago. Read anything good lately? Also what magazine? What magazine?

Peaks your interest. He wrote Peek. What is he asking about dirty magazines there? Yeah, I was into World War II books. I was a year ago and I was into that for like a month and then my brain goes over here. So recently, what did I do? I don't know. I've been reading about music and I don't fucking know.

I go through periods of reading and not reading and right now I haven't been reading. You read drama magazines, though. Those are the magazines that you read a lot and Rolling Stone. I read Rolling Stone. Yes, I do. Even though you fucking shit on that magazine. I just... I believe you said it was whack.

Yeah. I said that a while ago. I actually, I like reading Rolling Stone. I rather read about the real life stuff than the celebrity interviews. I just feel like the celebrity interviews of like not as great as they used to be, but I love reading about real stuff. Like the soldiers with like PTSD and like any kind of like internet business thing. There was an article about these two people that met on Vine and started like courting

each other on Vine. They met in real life and of course it didn't really work because you're in a relationship with somebody online. You don't really know them. And things went south and she accused him of rape and it was just this whole fucking terrible situation. Yeah, but I think you can blame, I don't think you can blame that on Vine. I mean, if somebody meets you in a bar back in the day, you don't really know them either.

I know, but you at least met them in real life. I blame people who have relationships with people online for six months that they've never met in real life. That's a very different situation than being in the same... Don't be ten years. You haven't met the real me yet, man. All right, dilemma. Bill, Bill and Nia, if she's around.

Oh, she is definitely around this week. Oh, I'm around. Imagine you're in a perfect relationship. I don't have to imagine it. I'm living it. Oh, Jesus. Nobody believed that. One of your cheats, one of you cheats and it's over.

Would you rather be the one who cheated so your image of the other is always perfect or be the one who got cheated on so you can have pride in the fact that you are a good person? Rough question if you immerse yourself in the ideas of both for your own fucking amuse with it. Horrible. I'm not answering that. That's stupid.

All right. Well, let's just... We got to do a dilemma, all right? If we were in a plane crash and we're in snowy mountains, I know you don't like the cold. No. Would you rather that I lived and I ate you or you lived and you ate me now? We're the only ones on this plane that's come to that.

We can't eat the pilot and the stewardesses and the other passengers. We were in a very small plane. Oh, I see. White meat's better for you than dark meat. Excuse me, dark meat tastes better. I could not imagine eating you. Oh, shut up. I don't want to do that.

What? I'm going to tell you this right now. Well, the way you've handled closets in here, that's not even a life and death fucking situation. You would totally be like, bye, baby. You know what you do? I'd be sitting there like still kind of conscious and you'd do what Tony Soprano did to Christopher. You just reach over and pinch my nose. Oh, how that broke my heart when I saw that scene.

Oh my God, that was horrifying. And then you'd stand up there going, I did it, I fucking did it. Oh, that was terrible. That and Adriana hurt me the worst on that show. God, I fucking love that show so much. Remember there was a time where I was watching every episode on demand every day because I just went back to my being obsessed with my Sopranos? I just loved the fucking Sopranos.

I loved that period of your TV watching. That was a great period in your TV watching. I know it's kind of gone downhill. You have Peaks and Valleys and right now you are ... I'm watching the good TV on Netflix and I'm watching the bad TV on actual TV. Oh, yeah, yeah, well, that's going to stop when football season starts. Oh, God. By the way, that's in the last couple of weeks, college football, pro football.

Oh, boy. Saturday Sunday. Say it. Vern, Lundquist, SEC football. I don't know what any of those words mean. All right. It means a lot to me. It's exciting.

All right, everybody. That's the podcast for this week. I thought I had odd ball dates this week, but I'm definitely doing the Jones Beach one, but I don't know what's going on with Virginia. Ticket sales are not where they need to be. This is not my call. So it either might happen or it might not happen. I don't know what's going on with Virginia.

We thought that you guys liked comedy. Well, thanks a lot, everybody. Virginia is for lovers, not for comedians. That's right, not for psychocomics. All right, that's it. That's the podcast, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.

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