Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-18

Episode Date: August 3, 2018

Bill rambles about glutes, stadium traditions, and Rough N' Rowdy.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. I know it isn't. What am I talking about? It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in to see how your goddamn day is going. I know lately the podcast has been a little bit quiet. I understand. All right, I was transitioning from one part of the country to another part of the country. I didn't have my technologies with me. Speaking of technology, none of these fucking movies that I want to see right now, and I just don't have the goddamn time, I want to see that Mr. Rogers movie. I want to see Mission Impossible, and I want to see, there was some movie called

Eighth Grade where they were like, this is what it's like to be an eighth grader during the social media time. I'm like, well, I should see that, you know, because I need to relate to some young people so my jokes keep working with them. I mean, not eighth graders, but you know, in a blink of an eye, the way I'm aging, that kid will be in fucking college, right? You can't ignore the youth. You ignore the youth. You grow old with your fucking crowd, and the next thing you know, you're doing shows at three in the afternoon on a little fucking booze cruise going around the marina. You know, five foot two, eyes are blue, but oh, what those five foot could do? You're singing that song. Has anybody seen my, yeah. Right up there in some fucking mustard

stained tuxedo, yelling at your agent, I used to sell tickets in this town. That ain't happening to me. I'll tell you what did happen to me. This is very embarrassing. And it's of a physical nature. It's a part of my body. And this is a time when I feel everybody has been emoting. And, and we've gotten rid of the shame. So I just want to before I tell you this, I just want to thank all of you for being considerate and thoughtful of my feelings during this difficult time. Alright, so my sciatic nerves came back. Oh, it came back with a vengeance because I didn't keep going to the masseuse to keep fucking making sure, you know, that, you know, whatever the fuck happened the first time didn't happen again. And it got all messed up again. And we were trying to figure out what triggers it.

I'm like, well, flying helicopters, you know, I fly the smallest one that exists. So there's, there's nothing about it. That's has to do with comfort. It all has to do with weight and balance and getting the fucking thing off the ground. As long as you can sit down, they don't give a shit. If you're on a bed of nails, and I think it's just maybe that that's what's aggravating it. She's like, all right, what else you got? I played drums. I'll sit there for an hour, an hour and a half, trying to figure out how that cute little Asian girl played good times, bad times so easily, effortlessly, right? What else? I sit in a writer's room, I fly in planes and all that type of shit. And she goes, all right, she was listening. And she just basically told me in, you know, that my problem is, is I

have no ass. Over the years, I've just sat down so long, what little ass I had is now gone. So, oh, Billy, no, no glutes, right? As Al Pacino would say, he's got no ass, right? So it's just, it's just essentially bones, nerves, veins, arteries, and skin. There's no muscle tone back there. I basically have Michael Douglas's ass and base against it, whatever that one was when he was like fucking 65 and decided to do the end. Remember that was like a big thing with like white guys back then, being happy in an old guy and just showing your ass. Dennis Franz on fucking NYPD, blue, fucking Michael Douglas in basic instinct. One of those movies where he was just fucking throwing chicks around, which you could never do anymore. Like it was, he was beating them and fucking them

at the same time. And I'll tell you, the broads back in the day, they loved it. It was considered a hot seat nowadays. Oh, Jesus. What was that couch made of that he bent her over? Was that fucking made out of ostrich fur? That's offensive to women and nature, right? Now I don't know what you do. I don't know. I haven't seen a love scene in this new progressive time. I imagine the guy is sitting there with his hands folded. Excuse me. Would it be all right if I lead across the table and got a little closer to you? I'm offended. Anyways, what am I talking about here? Oh, so I have to do some fucking squats, you know, and I got a bone bruise. I'm falling apart here, people. I got a bone bruise on my left knee because my beautiful daughter, what I'm loving as I'm teaching her how to

play catch. And we got this giant bag of these plastic balls, right? I think she's right handed, which I'm not going to lie to you. I want her to be a lefty. If you're a lefty, you can get to the show with an 85 mile an hour fastball. We all know it. Okay, you start throwing right handed. You got to come with the gas. It's got to be fucking. I don't know. It's got to be like fucking 102 miles an hour at this point. So anyways, she just she'll pick up two at a time. And then she runs at me and just throws them both at the same time. And I just play like goalie. And we got had wood floors. And I was crawling around on the hardwood on my knees. And I don't know, I thought I fucking tore something. But thank God yesterday I found out it's just a bone bruise. So it's going away. But

yeah, so here's the big deal. I got I have to go on the internet and I got to make sure I do my squats right. Okay, and I have to get my pasty, flat ass. I got to get some padding back there or evidently this is going to it's going to become even worse. You know what I mean? I've decided that I'm going to get fucking I'm going to I'm going to get my ass back. I've decided that rather than be that old white guy who has the inflatable cushion that he fucking sits on. I can't be that guy. You know what I mean? Taking people up in a helicopter like looking like a badass and like hang on a second guys just fucking you know, everybody just loses all confidence. Does this guy know how to fly this fucking thing? Anyways, that's my deal. You know, and I'm also a child of the 80s. And you

know, who's kid who let's all be honest, nobody did legs in the fucking 80s, unless you were a bodybuilder. Everybody just you barely even did your back. You know, everybody was just fucking, everybody just did like what are you benching? What's your bet? Dude, he put up 225 fucking 36 times. He could try out for the patch, dude. Right? That's all it was about. And it wasn't I'll tell you, you go to a fucking gym. All right. And if you have to bench, you're waiting for the you're going to stand there like a line at Starbucks at like eight in the fucking morning waiting to get on the bench. But I'll tell you where there's no fucking I'll tell you right now where there's no line you go into the leg room. Oh my god. It's like walking into a furniture store. Good buddy,

try them all out. See which one you like. Right? It's like going into light and leisure. The purple building does that place still exist? I'm making a lot of Boston references and you're probably like why Bill? Are you? Oh, you fucking cunt. The battery thing just fucking beeped. Are you fucking kidding me? I swear to God, I just can't get a goddamn fucking break. I'm just gonna talk till this runs out. I guess in 43 seconds, 42 seconds. I'm talking Boston ship because the Yankees. Oh, when the Yankees come to town, Red Sox Yankees stats tonight and prices and then and judges out. Right. But all they're missing is a hitter. We're missing our star pitcher and I needed that guy because I got I got a hundred bucks riding on every game with these two different Yankee fans,

50 bucks each. I needed price to go in there and shut those fucking pinstripe cunts down. Now we don't have our ace and not price. What the fuck am I talking about? The other guy there. Price is the guy I need not to fuck. All right, I'm back. You know what? It wasn't a battery issue. It was the memory was full. Full of me running my fucking yeah. I'm sitting there saying price is out. Sale is out. Is it Chris Sale? I've only been on the bandwagon here for the last month. He's out. He said he had something that's been building something that's been bothering him, you know, would you get your period? He can't play. Fucking Mike Judge Aaron Judge is out for the Yankees, right? He's standing there like a

fucking Paul Bunyan. I mean, how do you not hit the guy? I mean, Jesus Christ, he's like the size of the goddamn backstop. Get a bone chip in the palm of his hand. Isn't that amazing a guy that that fucking big? All you have to do is throw a ball at his hand and all of a sudden he can't play a game of baseball. I mean, you're talking about a guy who could literally rip the pillars out of the fucking parking lot. You know, when you hit him in the hand, he's like, how am I going to play patty cake? I can't come out for the Red Sox series. But you know, that is the history of the Yankees. You know what I mean? You know, they got a lot of free agent guys and they're all really soft, just like all their fans out in the bleachers. All those fatties out there that do the roll call,

like that's their big thing in life. Hey, Aaron, waving us those neck fat fucking jerk offs out there. It's unbelievable that you could have a team that that's that successful that they would they would be involved in something. Well, I just don't get it. I don't get the fucking YMCA. I don't get why we have a fucking mascot. I don't get why we sing sweet Caroline. I don't you know what it is that they're trying to get rid of the animals. You know what I mean? I mean, the Yankees fans that borderline doing a fucking musical. I thought it was an advertisement for that. What was that show they had all those years with the puppets Avenue Q. That's what I thought I was I was looking at the scoreboard going is it coming out of that? No, those are full grown adult males.

Oh, do we get the fucking right field bleaching with your roll call? Get alive. We're going to say your name until you acknowledge us. I know I'm coming down hard on the Yankee fans. I realized this is not all of you guys. This is only fucking 12% of you with your little gang of baseball fans. But as much as I do that, I don't think anything's worse than watching fucking. And that song comes on. You see all those women putting their head on their boyfriend's shoulders. You know what I mean? That right there, that moment there is why women in general are not in positions of power. They sit there, they try to blame guys, specifically bald, blue-eyed white males like myself, which by the way, I'm really offended. Okay, I mean, and I got to tell you

something right now. If I hear one more feminist interrupting my privilege during the day, me just walking through one open door after another, and I have to listen to her fucking rhetoric, I swear to God, I am going to, I will pull all of my money out of the stock market and cause it to crash. Money that I didn't earn. Money that was given to me from my ancestors by stealing it from people who did not look like me. Okay? Sorry, I'm just steering into the stereotype. Oh, really, Bill, we thought you were fucking serious. What am I talking about here? This is why women, so many of them, do not attain a position of power, because all you have to do is put on sweet Caroline and it makes them want to tilt their head and put it on their man's shoulder.

Okay, that is not leadership quality. Okay? That's just what the fuck I would do. If I was running a company right now, and God knows it'd be all this fucking pressure as the guy who started the company to step aside and let a woman run it so you can act like you're fucking progressive, you know what I mean? Where are the ladies when it's all being built? They're nowhere to be found. Then when it's built, hey, we want to do it too. Now that you completed it, we want to fly planes too now that all the guys died and we figured out what not to fucking do. No offense to Amelia. Hey, I checked it, fucking, also crushed it, but for some reason nobody talks about it. I know what I'm talking about. I'm just fucking around, everybody. I have no problem with

people of any fucking background. Where am I? Let me complete this. I have to do a fucking radio tour for two hours starting at eight minutes. And how long have I done on the podcast? Is it going to work out? Will the math work out? Nine and five are 14. Son of a bitch. I still got half a podcast to go. I'm going to have to wait till the end of this shit. Oh, Bill, why are you doing a radio tour? Because I'm promoting rough and rowdy. Going to be in Youngstown, Ohio. All right? There's no women there putting their heads on that guy's shoulder. They put their hand, their ear to the guy's chest after they hit him with a fucking pen to make sure his fucking heart's still pumping. Okay? I'm talking a tough town

in Youngstown. It's going to be great. We got Pride versus Prejudice. All right? We have a gay man who's fighting a convicted felon who does not like gay people. All right? We got a cop fighting a skateboarder and then we got a bunch of Cleveland Brown fans getting in the ring with Pittsburgh Steeler fans. Now, God knows the Browns cannot beat the Steelers on the gridiron, but can the people of Cleveland beat up the people of Pittsburgh? Now, you'd think generally speaking, the people of Pittsburgh are a little softer than the people in Cleveland. All right? They have six Super Bowl titles. They haven't had a fucking steel mill in generations out there. Okay? I've gone there. It's a tech city now. All right? They got all the beautiful bridges. They got rid of three rivers

that team plays on natural grass now. I mean, it's one of the quaintest towns you'll ever go to. Nobody can walk up this fucking hill, so they got a goddamn elevator trolley thing that brings you up. I think Pittsburgh is ripe for the taking. And go to rough and rowdy brawl to order the fight. I'm telling you right now. Hang with you, record it or hang that night with your buddies. Watch it. It's going to be, I will be commentating. Forgot to mention that. There's a little cherry in there that I just threw. Okay? A little fucking sugar cube. Old Freckles will be sitting down on his lack of an ass, evidently. And I'll be there with the big cat in the El Pres. Two wonderful individuals, you know, who are preventing a lot of barfights, I feel. I feel like people with

headgear and gloves are going to be able to get all their frustrations out. It's going to be a wonderful night of entertainment. I am not going to miss a second of it. And, you know, I would appreciate if you guys would order it. It would make me look good if I could help pump up their fucking numbers. I love what they do over there. I hope you do too. If you do, please order the fight, and that's the end of this promo. How do you like that? And right the day before the fucking fight, I'm going to be in Rochester, New York, homestead, or at least he played with the Rochester Crusaders, according to his drum instructional video, that I actually own on VHS and on DVD. All right? I never could commit to the laser disc. I was afraid of unpopular

technologies after Robert Kelly talked me into getting a mini disc player, which I still have, with the T-shaped microphone. I can't find the... But I have all these little fucking cassettes of, you know, whatever, mini CDs of my sets from years gone by. And I want to listen to them and people are like, well, why don't you take them somewhere? It's like, because I have no idea what I'm saying on these fucking things. All right? I used to mutter to myself between sets, throwing out all kinds of crazy shit. And in this fucking today's climate, God knows what the shit you said fucking... I'm going to talk in 20 years ago. I mean, 20 years ago, I was dating this woman. I used to literally drag her around the city by her hair and nobody had a problem with

it, okay? You think I'm going to dump off my fucking mini disc player to somebody? You out of your mind? It's not happening. All right. Anyways, so I am... Hey, by the way, guess what? I made another month. Month of July. Not a drop of booze. Not one fucking drop. You goddamn cunts. And it really affected my mood. I was in such a good mood when I would wake up in the morning, but I was so grumpy at night, you know, just having to sit there and fucking stare at the wall. It's weird. Like this time of day, I don't miss it. But at night, I definitely, you know, you know, you get into it with your wife or, I don't know, your parents looking at you in a weird way. You just need something to take the edge off. And I got to tell you, Rosetta Stone

French just isn't doing it. All right, do I got time to do one read? Yeah, I'll do one read, and then I got to do this tour. And then I'll be back and I'll let you know how it goes, okay? Everybody hanging on my every word. Gee, Bill, how is your radio tour going to go? All right, here we go. Helix, everybody. Helix, maybe I can get through this in three minutes. I'll be fucking great. There's nobody on the planet like you. Oh, you special little fucking so-and-so. So why would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else? What are you, the hunchback and Notre Dame there? Next, please mention all the talking points below. Oh, absolutely. Helix, sleep matches your body to the perfect mattress. So you get the best sleep of your life. They've

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I'm from the freckled race. I'm really pasty. All right, beyondies, everybody. You've heard me obsess over my beyondies. You've heard me talk about how they are softer than cotton and come with fun new prints each month. But I've got a big scoop for you. That's the scoop. I just literally picture just like your shit, your pants. That I'm so excited to shit you beyondies. New beyondies with the shit-trap door that I'm so excited to share with you all. Beyondies just gave their membership a massive upgrade. All those dirty, old, whole, ridden, disgusting underwear you've hung onto, it's time to throw all of that out and give you a top drawer, the refresher it deserves. Each month, beyondies will release a new executive print that only

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Oh, Billy Glutless. So anyways, I haven't drank it like, oh, what is it here? 33, Larry Bird, Larry 33 days, no booze. And yeah, I have really had no intentions. I'm going to drink one day next week, celebrating with Joe DeRosa. It's Joe DeRosa's birthday on August 6. Make sure you give old twinkle toes a little shout out. All right, make sure you get that old saloon whore, a little tippy, your fucking cowboy hat there. He'd love to hear from you. Joe, by the way, is really an incredible inspirational speaker on, have you guys seen Joe DeRosa's Instagram when he has, he's sitting there shirtless with his awful body. He's like, he always goes, what's up, hard bodies? Joe DeRosa here telling you that you don't have to be a slave to your diet. I don't know, just look up at Joe

DeRosa, or is it at Joe DeRosa comedy? Just look up Joe DeRosa Instagram. Maybe I can do it for you. I'll make it easy for you because you're probably pretending to type right now, acting as though you're working. Joe DeRosa Instagram. He's on the gram. Oh, and I'm not connected to the fucking internet course. Why would I be? Why would I in this day and age be connected to the internet? It's just most of the free world is, most of the free world is, right? They're connected to it. They're connected. They're connected to the, how do I type this in here? Brallet. Brallet. All right, Joe DeRosa Instagram. All right, grandpa. It's at Joe DeRosa comedy, J-O-E-D-E-R-O-S-A comedy.

There you go. Why am I hyping his goddamn Instagram page? What has Joe DeRosa ever done for me other than being a pal for the last fucking 15 years? All right, what to talk about? I was just promoting rough and rowdy. By the way, the cop versus skateboarder, that fight is actually, that one's called pig versus punk. So you get pride versus prejudice, pig versus punk. Where could you go from there? Peluca versus pundit. An old boxer fights a politician. That could be a good one. This should be just sort of an endless ones with the letter P, huh? You could have somebody with a bladder problem, peer versus poorer. Got with a bladder problem,

fight somebody who's economically in the shit house. I don't know. Okay, maybe there's not an endless one. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm just spitballing here, people. That's all I'm trying to do, just spitballing. So anyways, I got to, I'm going to go see nutritionists for the first time ever tomorrow. And I'm going to get that taken care of. I did the lat pull down machine 70 fucking pounds. Gradually, I'm putting it back together the way it really happens, not like on Dr. Phil, where he's like, oh, you need to stop punching her in the face. And like, somebody who I would actually punch a woman in the face, the fact that he said that like, is going to get rid of everything that he saw as a child in that moment on Dr. Phil.

It's not how it works. That's going to be, it's going to take that guy an entire lifetime to stop punching women in the face or shooting heroin, or jacking off in public, whatever the fuck it is, he's doing, right? But not all Philly, Philly makes it seem like he solves it right then and there with the little fucking catchphrase of some bullshit. That's why you know, back in the day when I used to watch police academy, and I would see private hooks, remember the cute little black girl, you know what I mean? And she'd be all mousy like, and the guy, you got to get a scream. And in the end, she'd get her nerve up. And she'd jump out of nowhere with her gun out and she'd go, don't move dirtbag. And then you'd see police academy too. And she'd go back to being this little

mousy person again, you're like, what the fuck? That's bad writing. That's what I thought. That's lazy. You're going to have to do the exact same arc all the way to don't move dirtbag again. And I used to think that that was lazy writing. But now, having tried to fix, to control my temper, you know, I'll flip out and be like, I don't want to do that again. And then I'm fucking, you know, working on it, working on it, working on it. I'm good for three weeks. And then I have a relapse. You know, private hooks is one of the most accurate characters ever written. Because you're seeing somebody trying, they have a breakthrough. And you think, is this it? Did I finally break through? And then, nope, it was just a blip. Now you're going back

to being mousy again. And she had to work on it through like 18, 19 police academies. And I don't know if she ever got there, but I think we all could relate simply by the fact that she was just out there trying. There you go. So that's nine minutes, nine minutes and 13 minutes. That's 31 minutes. Jesus Christ, people, I think I'm done here. Back up to regular volumes. Tune in to the Red Sox Yankees. If you want to check that out. But definitely this Sunday, man, make me look good, make it seem like I drove some traffic to this wonderful event. Go to rough and rowdy brawl.com to watch Pride versus Prejudice, Pig versus Punk and Cleveland Brown fans trying to do what the Browns have never done on the field, which is beat something from Pittsburgh.

Why did you have to be mean? Because you know what? It makes people listen. All right, enjoy this music. And then we'll have another half hour of greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday gone by from years ago or possibly last month. I don't know how it works. God bless you. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And to an end, I'll be dressing sharp. I'll be in Youngstown for the first time ever. And everybody I'll see in Rochester, New York on Saturday night with the great Dean Delray in the opening slot. All right, God bless you in the United States of America, but not Canada. It's like a boss. It's like the beginning of fucking $6 million, man, you know?

When that little fucking kite that he's flying. Why don't they ever show that fucking show in reruns? That's one of the greatest goddamn shows ever. Do you guys ever see that? Do you have any idea how fucking huge it was when the $6 million man fought the $7 million man? And he punched his fucking face off. His face came off on television in like 1974. Do you have any fucking idea? Think about that. Pre-Internet, pre-cable, pre any sort of special effect. Look how bad the graphics were in Star Wars. The adjustments between frames of all the tiny moving parts are minuscule, but projected at the proper speed, 24 frames per second. These individual movements will flow seamlessly

together. Actually models which can be carried in the palm of your hand. This is like three, four years before that. Lee Majors punched this dude who was the fucking bad guy in everything. Oh man, do you remember the one with the $6 million man fought up, fought in the snow? Outside that mansion they had everybody in slow motion and that black dude jumped like 10 feet in the air and was going to kick him. He's going flying through the fucking air. Now you gotta understand how sheltered I was as a kid. I didn't even know who Bruce Lee was. I didn't even know what Kung Fu fighting was and I didn't realize that TV shows were ripping off, you know, uh, and to the dragon and all that shit that people were flipping out about because I

was just a little kid. So I saw that shit. It was the most unbelievable thing ever. He fought Big Foot, he fought a black Bruce Lee, and he fought the $7 million man and he punched his fucking face off. And uh, they just don't, they don't make, it's impossible to compete now. They've just done too many things. You know, it's kind of like when you go to write a movie script and they're like, everything's been done. And they act like all these guys back in the 40s and 50s were brilliant. It's like, fuck you, there was only like five movies were ever made. How hard was it to be brilliant back then? It's like inventing shit in the 1800s. Oh look, it's a coat hanger. You can hang your coat on it. Holy shit. Let's put his name in the history books. Everyone can fucking remember

this for the rest of the time. I don't even know what you could invent. You know who's great at still inventing simple shit is that Billy Mays guy. You know that bearded fuck every night he just starts, ah, Billy Mays. Hi, Billy Mays here for the Jupiter Jack, the most convenient hands-free device for any cell phone guaranteed. That dude, he doesn't even invent this shit. I think he invented like three things and then he's just got a sweatshop of like smart fucking kids from Thailand and he just comes walking in. I keep burning myself on the iron. Come up with some shit. Then like three weeks later he's on TV. I'm Billy Mays. Are you tired of burning the hair off your forearm when you're ironing your button down because your third marriage didn't work out

and you still have to date in your 50s? Introducing the fucking thing you stick in front of the iron that doesn't burn your forearm but still irons the fucking shirt. Um, anyways, oh, let me get let me get back to this thing. Sorry. See like that. There you go. I wanted to stand up, Moe. Give you some fucking laughs, okay? And his left eye. What does his eye do? It's like a zoom lens on a camera. A zoom lens? Amazing. Like a boss. So anybody watch uh 60 minutes? This past week they did a um they did this feature feature on mountain lions and our California is the only state that has mountain lions just walking around. Los Angeles and its

suburbs are home to 19 million people. The only mega city in the world where mountain lions, also known as Cougars and Pumas live side by side with humans. For 13 years the National Park Service has been studying the animal. I'm gonna fuck this up in a park. I guess maybe the size of like Griffith Park or Runyon Canyon or whatever those ones are out in uh out in the valley. P-22 wanders the hills of Griffith Park, a small enclave in Los Angeles frequented by hikers and visitors to the park's famed observatory. I guess they have these fucking things and um so anyways I was watching it because a few of the places is where I hike with my dog and this thing has intermittently this this this group of fucking mountain lions has been around

there but fortunately they they try to avoid you I guess. A trail camera caught this one a stone's throw from the rooftops of suburbia. And these animals do their best to you know stay elusive and away from us. Um at least during the day if they're not fucking hungry but they showed this fucking uh these people this mountain lion right okay they were having some work done so they had somebody going underneath the house into the crawl space of their house and they were right up against this park and the guy went down there and he immediately came back up and he was fucking like white as a ghost and they were like uh don the ass you know fucking white people trying to speak Spanish right? Is that French? I don't know um and the guy comes out of the fucking hole and

was like yeah but I fucking uh there's a mountain lion down there I just came face to that get out of here you're sharp. Are you sad? And they were like yeah it's fucking down there and so anyways they interviewed this fucking LA couple and they had the quintessential fucking LA couple. You're a mountain lion in your house bro. And so he said to them on the mountain lion he goes yeah man a mountain lion face to face eye to eye came out of eye with it and he was like terrified. You know what I mean? He looks like the leading man of a B movie right? She's got like bleach blonde hair she's wearing fuck me pumps she's on 60 minutes wearing fuck me pumps it's fucking hilarious walking around done up to the nines and um I actually uh it was pretty cool I was trying to figure out where the house was

like Google mapped it and I think I was able to find it but um how fuck this state is so fucking insane with the droughts the fires the rattlesnakes the coyotes the mountain lions you know and everybody's like this place is so phony and so plastic well you know it can get uh that can all go away pretty damn quick with the wildlife. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday August 2nd 2010 oh my god Martha can you believe it it's already August could you believe it Martha actually I can't Karen because it was just July in my entire life August has come after July so yes I can believe that it's August 2nd why do you have to do that do what that you know why can't you just

you know have frivolous conversation why do you have to be why do you have to be such a cunt no I'm sorry well that's what you're being um anyway oh gee oh geez oh my god what the fuck did I do last night I was gonna do the podcast last night that was the plan boys and girls ladies and gentlemen children of all ages I was gonna do the podcast last night I was gonna upload this motherfucker midnight my time you know for all my friends out there and the fucking uh Great Britain out there in Ireland in Iceland you know that'd be like eight o'clock in the morning for you right you get up you people in Iceland throwing down some hay for your fucking yaks taking out your

pan flute skipping around looking for the gold isn't that what you do out there yeah well that's what I think you do because I took geography in America so you know what's up Holland how's your windmills now you're clicking your fucking wooden shoes together that's my version that's my version of Holland they don't even have cell phones out there cell phones they're still using pitchforks to get that point across um that didn't even make sense but what what did I do instead you know this is the classic life of the loser all right and if you are a loser not saying you are okay hypothetically if you are a loser you're gonna recognize this pattern okay and this is the pattern of the loser you'll see the loser knows what he or she is supposed to do and then and

then you never do it and that is a pattern of a loser all right did that make any fucking sense it started like I was gonna make this huge fucking point and then my headache really just kicked in there but let's let's try let's try to put the wheels back on the card here all right just like those people um out there in Finland right now and all the people down in fucking Australia wrestling those poisonous snakes as the aborigines fucking sit there with that that white goddamn tooth sticking through their nose you know that shark tooth that Greg Brady had around his fucking neck when he was gonna be the next Johnny Bravo huh just sitting there fucking staring at me there aborigine man you think I need

that shit you think you think I'm the one who kicked you off your fucking land I'm a god damn indentured servant to the fucking banks they're half naked aborigine dude all right so stop fucking staring at me all right with your thong your fucking sad face all right I didn't create plastics I'm just dealing with it why don't you show me how to fucking join whatever it is you're thinking about rather than fucking judging me and by the way could you help me with this fucking snake over here um anyways this is what the loser does um yeah I was gonna I was I was gonna do x y and c but instead I did fucking d e and f

fucking idiot instead of doing the goddamn podcast I went out and I drank last night oh jeez I had two whiskies and two Miller highlifes why did I have Miller highlifes you know what because the bottle looked good I like the way the bottle looked it's one of those nights there's a shiny looking bottle I like that I'm gonna have that I'm gonna block out those fucking awful Miller highlife commercials I hated those commercials that fucking plumber with his greasy fingers picking up that deviled egg it's like are you trying to stood Budweiser write these fucking ads all right this is just anger just a frustration at myself I don't know why I did the things I did last night I shot pool you know like I'm fucking willy moss sconey

you know that's as a man you just walk up to a pool table even though you know you suck and you're just thinking you'd be like you know seven ball corner pocket it's gonna fucking go right in and never goes in you know just like your life you think it's on target you think it's heading right towards you where you where you want it to go and bam bounces off the fucking wall and next thing you know it's all the way on the other side of the fucking table this is ridiculous I shouldn't be doing this right now I resent I'm resenting I'm blaming you guys I'm fucking blaming you sitting in your goddamn cubicles what do you think about that what do you do you can't fucking do anything about it what do you do you're gonna send me fucking emails complaining

yeah well I don't give a shit I don't fucking I mean you had breakfast just sitting in my pajamas doing that thing when you're hungover you know we just sort of rub your feet together trying to give yourself some sort of soothing feelings on the other end of your body because your fucking head is throbbing so much well maybe I can offset the headache with a soothing feeling between my footies and of course it's not working oh fuck Jesus Christ two whiskies and two bears I feel like I fucking uh I don't know like I don't know what like I had a fight in the parking lot and I lost and last thing I remember was somebody grabbing my big ears and bouncing my head off the asphalt as I'm going all right all right you won you won and then you just slip off into a dream

um you know it's weird I woke up whenever I wake up hungover um you know one of the first things I do is I just start cursing out the woman in my life you know this is my remedy for getting over a hangover you know you wake up and you see them you know and you try to get the fucking you know the goddamn cement out of your eyes because you're trying to open them up and of course because you're hungover and you want to be alone the vibe you're putting out is you want to be alone what happens you create you attract what you fucking fear not only another human being right in your goddamn face it's got to be a female okay and god knows can they ever stop

running their yaps it's like even when they don't have something to say they're gonna fucking talk because as much as they talk a good game I'm an independent woman and I got my money motherfucker all that shit at the end of the day all these broads are afraid of the same thing they're afraid of silence that's what it is you know that when you watch one of those goddamn shows or in my life you walk by and your girls watch one of those goddamn shows and why am I bringing my voice down like she's still in the apartment she isn't but you know what it is when I bring my voice down here this is I'm either talking about the luminati or I'm talking about these fucking bitches this is all hangover talk here so I'll fuck all you guys if you're taking this seriously all right

rule number one or is it number two at this point you don't fucking take the podcast seriously okay all you girls out there you get your panties in a bunch this is ridiculous why does he make fun man why doesn't he balance it out because that's life sweetheart and life isn't fair why don't you go listen to one of those fucking twatty twat podcasts with the fucking broad over there running her goddamn yeah between her cleavage huh why don't you go do that sister town with your tampons and your purse just in case whoo I am in a mood um yeah so I'm sitting there and I got they're afraid of silence stay on target they are they are they're afraid of silence and that's why they talk about nothing oh that's what I was trying to say you walk by the tv

and your girlfriend's sitting there right she's you know sitting there you know on the couch right in the couch side saddle you know they sit leaned up against the arm with their legs to the side rubbing their footies together they're peeking out of the afghan what I like this show you watch your shows do I say anything when you're watching your shows I don't so why don't you extend shut up so you know you walk by the fucking tv you walk by the goddamn tv and what and what is it what is on the tv you know what I don't even remember I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about

oh yeah they're just running their yaps oh that I got it here we go I'm hooked back up to it there we go there was a little awkwardness there like you ever see when a when a jet tries to refuel in mid-flight you know and that shark dick is hanging down I know what a shark dick looks like what do you think about that is that scandalous enough to get on TMZ at my low level of notoriety I do I was watching this fucking nature show and these fucking creepy humans because that's what we are pull this great white shark out of the fucking sea and the sharks lying there like I can't fucking breathe over here right and they got this little garden hose going into his mouth and it's seeing the sharks looking like really this is the same as in is in fucking hailing a

mouth full of ocean your little fucking true value hardware garden hose that you got my fucking mouth what are they doing get away from my dick please and they literally reach down and between a couple of folds they pull out this shark cock which amazingly enough looks just like the fucking uh that that tube that they refuel in the air for with or whatever the fucking preposition is that a preposition I don't fucking know trying to complete a sentence over here that's what it looks like all right there you go that portion was dedicated to all our troops over there in Afghanistan and then Tuscalooska um you know that's a weird thing I was sitting in the airport the other I'm gonna get back to the broads I'm gonna give them a break right now okay I tried I tried to

knock them out in that round and now I'm fucking winded I'm taking a round off is this starting score points I'm just giving them I'm just giving them hope taking a round off but I'm coming out with the next one I'm putting a glove in their face like Larry Holmes and I'm coming with the overhand right my favorite fucking thing at boxing um oh god what was I just talking about I was talking about shark dicks now I have to shark dicks oh I know I'm in the airport all right this is just gonna be all momentum I'm gonna just try to not stop talking for 15 minutes because when I stop talking the throbbing in my head is actually audible all right slow it down bill let's take it down a little bit little fucking some fucking smooth jazz here all right so I'm

sitting in the fucking airport this was an awkward thing right these troops came walking by and these people spontaneously started to applaud you know and I didn't know what to do do I join in it just didn't seem right but then you don't want to not fucking show your appreciation but applause just seems weird it just seemed weird and I was trying to put myself in their fucking position like you know you just came out of Fallujah did what you had to do over there and then you get fucking however it works next thing you know you're on jet blue and you landed an airport and there's a soccer mom woo good game good game you know I don't know what to do definitely appreciate him but so that's for the troops out there do you want to pause in the airport or is

it fucking weird you know because we don't want to do that shit that happened to the troops when they came back from Vietnam and all those fucking hippies were like hey man that wasn't cool when you burned down that dudes hut me and we don't want to do that but I don't want to have an over correction you know when you're like is that a fucking song they played I'm trying to think of like college football songs you know here come the troops but I'm gonna bump bump bump and you don't want to go you don't want to go like too high energy there's got to be a happy medium between saying they're being like all the leaves are brown and then sitting there you know applauding like somebody just sank a putt it just didn't seem right all right so anyway so you

walk by the tv and there's the and the broads always they're always talking about how much more I guess how much what better communicators females are which I've probably proven of the last fucking 14 minutes of this podcast um and now you do know if a woman actually says 20,000 more words a day than a guy does do you realize that yeah do you think I didn't notice I thought it was 40,000 more okay and let me tell you something there fucking sinkhole just because you're saying more words doesn't mean you're saying anything all right you basically filibuster your way through silence with your girlfriend because both of you are sitting there afraid that if you stop talking you're gonna hear the sound of your boobs sagging all right oh yeah well that's what I think it is

in my own fucking ignorance all right let's get on with the podcast here people I I'm sorry I had to I had to do a little cardio there just to get myself through the first 15 minutes you know now I can fucking chill so I woke up hungover today obviously and I'm attacking the broads because I'm hungover and now for the most part I don't like them um I like to look at them I like to come over and stick my dick in them you know but after that it's like why don't you get out in the kitchen and make me one of them fucking Belogna sandwiches wouldn't you just fucking love to be that guy you know just find some little fucking mouse of a woman to live with just blame your entire afternoon on her where the fuck is the fucking remote

well you had last what the fuck did you say I guess it was my fault this is terrible this isn't even comedy anymore this is just mean so I woke up this morning hungover as I've mentioned 98 times and for some reason I woke up and uh this song was in my head I just woke up this was the song that was in my head right here hungover off my ass and all of a sudden I just hear Elvis that's one of the great fucking songs by Elvis Presley and uh when you really listen to the lyrics um it's he's a fucking psycho he's stalking this broad hot in the kitchen hot in the hole I ain't gonna do your head any good at all

because once I get you in the kitchen kitchen and the kisses starts a team of wild horses couldn't pull us apart he's singing about rape everybody but he gets that oh and it's and it just smooths it all out and that's why he was the king only the king can make rape seem uh like it's it's the right thing to do for both parties let's just be clear on that for both parties all right let's get on with the podcast okay I I fucking love that song I really do and I was working the Orleans and uh casino with Tom Papa the marriage refs Tom Papa um I was coming out on stage like that and I felt like for a half a second I felt like a million bucks for half a fucking second can you believe it's august um all right so let's get on with the podcast last week ladies and gentlemen

I had the pleasure of performing on the David Letterman show and uh most of you went out you watched it and you all sent me wonderful emails about it and I would read you the wonderful emails but they're not funny but you are in luck you know what ones are funny the ones where people did not like my performance so let's read a couple of those shall we all right now my fucking nose is running okay here we go here we go I did a little coke last night everybody no never had the balls never had the balls to mess with that shit okay this is uh this is somebody and as always for those of you whenever I read my hate mail both of these the two hate mail emails that I would be reading this morning all of a sudden I sound like right now like a teacher teaching a really

boring class you know that you're in your you know first class of that semester right you finally got yourself a little bit of pooping you're happy you're floating around everything's going to be great you're thinking okay let's see how my teachers are going to be and then that douche comes out welcome to meteorology in the media my name is mr cuntface and mr cuntface we're in third grade I'm sorry I'm hungover I couldn't come up with my name is mr McGillicuddy and over the course of the next three months we are going to be delving into the wonderful world of meteorology in the media you will be required to write two 27 page papers on serious clouds in the decodas okay so serious clouds are first discovered

in the 1600s by a man by the day love and he picks up the fucking marker he's writing across that fucking board sir Marcus lives the the cafe at the third and at first before sir Marcus the cafe at the third they thought serious clouds were actually the gods say that your wife is a cunt I get nothing was the breathing annoying it was supposed to be um all right let's read the hate mail here so what happens with all of all of my hate mail is um when people don't like my act is you can't just write me evidently and just say that you don't like my act you don't appreciate what it is that I do on the stage what you have to do first is you have to establish what an incredible sense of

fucking humor you have and how open you are to all different forms of humor you know it's that classic thing like those douchebags on youtube Obama's a fucking idiot and I'm a democrat right so then we can be like wow this guy is left and even he doesn't like this lefty guy so this is what they do all right so here so these uh both these emails follow to a goddamn fucking t to the motherfucking you and me um they follow it here they follow that pattern bill just read the fucking thing okay here we go all right hi there this one starts starts off nice enough hi there I've been a fan for a while you seem to have a unique take on things look at this huh pat me on the head let me sniff her hand making me nice and fucking relaxed I loved your bit about the muffins

and the mass vehicular murder so there you go she just showed how it just her sense of humor spans the globe whether I'm attacking food or actually running over human beings on the sidewalk she finds it all funny though and here's the rub though as a stay-at-home mom I now completely despise you I did this bit about being a stay-at-home mom um so anyway she says the hardest part about being a stay-at-home mom is being respected is being disrespected by everyone I now hope the worst for you despite what funny acts you may think up in the future you are a jerk and deserve the worst that life has to offer I don't fucking I don't I don't understand like these this is the classic fucking person where everything is funny until it comes around to some shit in her life

and I make some fun of some shit that she's doing being a stay-at-home mom and now all of a sudden she goes from being a fan of mine to now I am a jerk and deserve the worst that life has to offer that's that's a fucking hardcore that you deserve the worst that life has to offer so what I'm going to get leprosy and be constipated all at the same time and fucking survive a plane crash but not in a good way you know anyways I don't fucking really you're going to take it to that level so I wrote her back I said uh sweetheart Oprah Winfrey called your job the toughest job on the planet on national television and got an applause break of approval how much more respect do you need I think that's a great point if I can step outside the email break the fucking fourth wall

is that what it is the third wall I never knew what the fuck it was huh Oprah Winfrey's on tv saying you have the toughest job on the planet and everybody claps all right did she say being a stand-up comedian is the toughest job on the planet you think you know what it's like to be fucking disrespected you apron wearing sheltered son of a bitch huh you want to talk about being disrespected look at fucking comedians anytime they show a comedian in a movie is it a criss-rock level comic it never is it's the fucking hack with the lampshade on his head going waka waka right didn't the fucking comedian get shot in his gut during Scarface huh did a fucking stay-at-home mom get shot in the fucking stomach with that mr potato head mask on

her face during that show no you know why because she was at home taking care of the fucking kids ah Jesus Christ I'm just gonna read the rest of this email that didn't even fucking make sense it started off funny and then it just went right off the rails like a Prius that you can't fucking stop um anyways uh she says so I wrote I wrote uh how much more respect do you need and then I said meanwhile there are children working in sweatshops would you rather be a stay-at-home mom or an eight-year-old sewing adidas together for 16 hours a day I came up with another great example that I wish I had used on tv how about how about you work on one of those fucking oil rigs like those poor bastards who work for BP then all of a sudden out of nowhere the fucking thing explodes

you're standing on a metal structure in the middle of the goddamn ocean and next thing you know it blows up probably blew out both of your air drums you're deaf now and you're on fire all right and your only option is either burning to death or jumping off of basically the equivalent of the top of a brownstone trying to enter the water without doing the world's biggest flaming belly flop right you land in the water second and third degree burns in salt water all right pus and blood is oozing into the water and now all you can do is pray to god that the coast guard gets there before a sea of sharks eats you alive all right you want to do that or you want to watch bob the builder for the 800th time lighten up and then I wrote oh and don't despise or hope the

worst for me that causes premature aging hugs I know that was kind of mean to say but you know I go fuck yourself all right here's another one once again we have to establish credibility at the top of the email are you guys ready for the credibility to be established Jesus Christ I know I am here we go uh bill I am never appalled or capital letters offended by comedy that I see in here all capitalist sentence I have a great sense of humor wow this is unbelievable isn't that amazing podcast listeners this person is never appalled or offended by comedy that she sees or hears she has a great sense of humor she has such a great sense of humor people that she had to yell it at me in emails all right so just no way she had a problem with my act right

let's read the rest of the email however oh Jesus your appearance on the david letterman show that I just watched just put down women and motherhood to an extent that is just downright unbelievable dot dot dot now she's going to yell again and tasteless now she yells for the rest of this email but I'm going to spare you guys all right I'm going to read it in soothing tones but she's screaming the entire time that's what I'm guessing because it's all capital letters um this is what she says I challenge you to be a single parent and raise a child and work and attend college alone without any help just in case you don't know what being a single parent means all right um you have no idea how hard it really is I am disgusted with your act and will

not ever buy any of your dvds etc for the first time in my life I am disgusted with comedy your comedy that is I like how she starts speaking like in film noir I'm disgusted with this comedy your comedy that is see yeah 23 skid you all right your act touched on many topics that you were disgraceful and very unappealing I think she's got so mad she stopped writing sentences um first of all sweetheart I wasn't making fun of single single parents but I was making fun of single parents nobody would laugh I was talking about stay at home moms all right you don't remember that line hanging out all day making grilled cheese sandwiches you're giving a puppet show you dress like a dragon and then some other adult comes home and gives you money you're like a big kid that's some

other adults coming home giving you money as your fucking husband you're dumb broad do I gotta fucking spell it out to you so I just wrote her back I just said I wasn't talking about single moms I was talking about stay at home moms you weren't listening now listen I'm not going to do the show anymore if I have to put up with this I'm just kidding I love these fucking hate mail things that's all I got I got I got two two bad emails and then I had one guy who wrote like a five-page dissertation on uh on the shirt I was wearing under my suit or something like that and then I just went homophobic with him I just wrote that's one of the gayest emails I've ever

received thanks for the fashion advice and then he wrote back trying to act as if I got a bunch of emails from guys telling me to wear a carnation in my front pocket or whatever the fuck he was saying and he wrote this big long fucking four-page email and then I just hit him with come on sweetie don't be like that and then it ended it I got a lot of a little weird emails this week somebody saw date night and said I need to be more uh choosy when I picked my roles which I thought was fucking hilarious like someone who has eight lines in a movie is actually getting offers around town we gotta get this guy the way I'm telling you the way he stands next to other people talking in the film is incredible he he is the best at it you know I gotta be more choosy with my with a fucking

evidently because I wasn't doing stand-up in the movie date night like the role of my character was the straight man and the more the straighter I played it the more opportunity for the other person to be funny in the scene that's your fucking job you know and I did the job and if I think that wasn't the job that I was supposed to do I would think that the director might have said something and just because I'm a fucking comedian doesn't mean I'm gonna walk around you know with a lampshade on my fucking head I'd love to be in a badass fucking movie what do you think I want to do you know you think I want to be in raising Arizona part two actually I would but I'd also like to be in uh they can never make a movie as good as a good fellas I'd love to do some

shit like that play a fucking psycho put the lotion in the bucket who wouldn't want to do that shit all right you dumb fuck I'm I I don't need to be more choosy about my roles I need to take anything anybody gives me you know fucking shot that movie a year ago I haven't done another one is that choosy enough for you not been up guns not like I'm not trying all right let's uh let's plow ahead here let's get on with uh what else do we got going on oh by the way I want to thank everybody seriously I was just fucking around there with the uh the letterman stuff I had an unbelievably great time and uh that was my best letterman if I do say so myself I uh finally figured out the pacing that I have to go on TV and uh what I always used to try to do is I used to try to go

comedy club speed but TV audiences for some reason laugh and clap a lot more and then what I would try to do was plow through the applause and get the tag of the joke in there and uh I don't know it's like a whole different animal you got to figure out what do you do when they're applauding you know why did the chicken cross road to get the other side maybe that's why I didn't applaud when the troops came by because I thought that they would feel as awkward as I do when you're just standing there going okay thank you yes I know that was the greatest joke in the history of the world I am tremendous where do you get a

load of this one um all right let's read some um let's read some uh oh and by the way um later on that night um in celebration I had the most ridiculous fucking weekend um that an adult can have and part of most of it is because uh you know I chose what I wanted to do and life was exactly what I wanted to do and secondly I'm not married and I don't have any fucking kids so I don't have any responsibility hence I uh I get to live the life of uh a gay guy you ever notice how happy fucking gay men are you know why that is is because they got the fucking double whammy they're a fucking man so they can earn way more an hour than the fucking broads over there and then they don't have any goddamn kids so once you get around 40 if you've done great in your

your career you have all this disposable income you know and the only way to kill the voices in your head that you should have had a fucking kid by now is to go out and do frivolous bullshit to fill up the free time and that's what I've been doing so I actually this weekend um one of the things I got to do this past weekend is so fucking unbelievable I can't even tell you how it even went down but I did take video of it and if you want to watch the video you can only go one place everybody and that's the mmpodcast.com huh you like that look at that an exclusive Monday morning podcast video that will only be shown on the mmpodcast.com of course until some douchebag takes it and puts it up on YouTube so go to the mmpodcast.com and watch a video of something that I got to do

and uh I I don't even I can't even begin to tell you how that whole fucking thing went down and how I got to do it but uh it was one of the great things I got to do in life so I got to do that which I won't be telling you because I'm trying to become a smarter businessman here all right you only make you should hit pause right now go to the mmpodcast right now if you're not following along anyways um I got to do that unbelievable activity and then uh what did I do I did letterman on Monday and then Monday night I went down to the bitter end and I watched that fucking amazing guy Osnoi this guitarist if you ever get a chance if you're ever in uh New York one Monday a night this guy Osnoi goes down and he I don't I can't even describe what

the fuck it is he does very very unique guitarist and he uh I don't you gotta see him live you have to fucking see him live his youtube videos do not do him justice you gotta go down and see him live and um and he's always playing with these top-notch musicians he had uh Will Lee from the Letterman band was there Steve Ferroni from the average white band actually went out and got a fucking pictured with him and shit uh from the average white band and now Tom Pettyn he's played with the zillion other people one of my drumming heroes got to meet him that fucking night and uh the guy on keyboards was one of the original guys from the east street band but I'm not into the east street band but this guy was the shit and I just watched these fucking unbelievable musicians

and sat in the crowd these guys were so fucking good that I actually had the comforting thought that you know what robots will never take over fully robots will never fully fucking take over because they'll never be able to do what I just fucking saw I mean when you're gonna write a program for passion god knows some fucking egghead with no passion he's probably figuring that shit out figure out how to make a robot sweat will it plays fucking guitar that'll be that'll be the big fucking breakthrough that's why drum machines never fully took over because it's just somebody programming the shit you know it's not a human being playing it right is that where I don't know I'm too hungover to actually have a fucking

a fucking touching moment here in the podcast all right a couple weeks ago I told you guys how to dump how to get out of a fucking relationship all right and if you ever want to learn how to not get into a relationship go download uh Andrew Dice Clay's live album at danger field that they the day the laughter died and one of my favorite bits of all time that he does is uh I think it's called how to how to not get into a relationship so if you don't even want to deal with how to get out of a relationship listen to Dice Clay's bit on how to not get into into a relationship and but then if you fuck up and you get into one listen to my podcast from a couple weeks ago and I'll give you the blueprint on how to get out all right so anyway so this

brought up the whole getting dumped and people have been sending me emails about getting dumped breaking up and the awkwardness and all that type of shit some great stories here's one for you getting dumped hey Bill I was listening uh last week and wanted to tell you about the worst way I was dumped uh when I was in high school I had a friend who was a girl and I was in love with her in a pathetic never getting laid way while she was banging half the football team oh dude that's like that movie last uh last american virgin right then I already used that reference on the podcast I don't give a fuck I'm hungover anyways I after high school graduate graduation we started dating even though we went to different colleges seven hours apart

over I love how she starts dating you then because the football team left her and went to 47 different colleges so she just needed a dick to ride um over fall break I went to visit her and stayed at her place for the weekend on the last night at midnight she told me she was seeing someone else and then expected me to stay at her house that night oh what a cunt um I got up and packed my shit and as I was about to leave I did my best brando impression to let her know how she how she fucked up um and as I started to go out the door after making my dramatic statement she said don't you need your keys oh this poor bastard he goes I forgot my keys on the table all the way across the room so I had to walk all the way across back the room back across the room

in shame to grab my keys and then drove seven hours back to college in the middle of uh in the middle of the night dude let me tell you something you got you got half a victory there um because you did leave and you know and you did you had the ability to walk all the way across the room to get your keys and at no point during that long fucking walk did you break down in tears you didn't all right don't you need your keys uh oh that's fucking brutal that's like that's like mean yeah because you know what she thought I guess that you were gonna stay there for the night so I guess she went mean there don't you need your keys obviously you need your keys if she was trying to let you down easy wouldn't she be like um you forgot your keys here and just would have the

decency to look down at the floor don't you need your keys uh now this is what I want to know from you on that seven hours drive back how many different snappy comebacks did you come with for don't you need your keys I bet you was so fucking distraught they didn't even make sense don't you need your keys don't you need your cunt right that doesn't even make sense but you know something you'd say ah you poor bastard whatever you know what the good news is she probably has three kids right now her body's looking like she's standing in a fun house mirror and she probably has some sort of fucking std so you know there you go sir it all worked out in the end didn't it all right uh bad covers this is from back in the day we're talking about um when an artist comes

around like a lady gaga you know when she comes around and she wraps herself in toilet paper and holds a fucking dildo and everybody's like she's making a fashion statement she's shocking middle America uh holding like a black baby while playing chess is there anything worse than that paint by numbers shock you know and then then the fucking douchebags who cover it just stand right in line she's pushing boundaries she's rejecting what it is to be a woman oh god shut up she's wearing a silly outfit isn't that what she's doing it has a fan blowing on her twat hanging off her belt buckle and then i'm supposed to sit there and be like uh i can't even process this this is cutting edge art

i mean what is she really doing oh my god i can't handle it this is like when jimmy andrex came out no it isn't this is like when cindy lopper came out she braided half her fucking head right and danced down the street with their fucking shoulders going up and down yelling at captain lou albano it's it's kind of on that level remember when cindy lopper did that shit and then she didn't do anything the next thing you know she's on uh she's on that fucking uh who wants to be a ceo getting fired by that guy who i don't even think has any money are any donald trump fans out there i don't think that guy is rich i really don't

i don't i don't buy it if this guy is such if he's so fucking rich and has all these goddamn businesses how does he have time to do a reality show and in critique who's better at at running a lemonade stand cindy lopper or brett michael's is that what what a fucking uh uh fucking whatever the hell he is what what do you call a guy like that he's he's he's a uh a conglomerate a media conglomerate what what the fuck is he called a uh i can't think of the word i'm too fucking hungover it's not like one of those anjanu names and i know that's not that what i know that that's not what it is anjanu means you're uh you're a good looking gore gore good looking whore who someday my brain is so fuck right now i just combined good looking and whore

and like she's a good she's a gore al gore um al gore who is a bitch of your fucking body al gore or fucking bill clinton both of them they're big mother and hips sashayin around the white house with their fucking suits on eating stover fucking pies um i am so off the track right now we're talking about bad covers no this is this is this is what i really believe about donald trump for all his fucking trump water trump tower trump casino trump helicopter trump tonal clippers i i don't think that that guy if you gave him fucking if you gave him 12 hours i don't think that he could come up with more than 6500 bucks in cash i think he's just completely leveraged out but his projects are so big he's like the banks like he he's too big to fail

ah jesus christ what the fuck am i talking about where the hell am i let's get back to bad covers all right bad covers here's one for you uh madonna when she did uh american pie yeah that song kind of sucked to begin with and then just in case you didn't realize it sucked madonna came in and proved it yes this song did suck now even if you completely switch it up and put that club beat underneath it it's still gonna fucking suck oh jesus i'm just running out of momentum you know did i really just do a lady gaga impression oh fuck you you enjoyed it you enjoyed it you know you you do a podcast hungover i want to see how good you do yeah i didn't think so i didn't fucking think so um here's your youtube videos for the week we're

just blowing through the topics here youtube videos for the week uh pug pug sings batman theme look that one up all right pug as in the dog pug as opposed to a gore pug sings batman theme um drunk ass knockout uh a lot of this shit's gonna have to do with alcohol this week uh wasted guy at coachella coachella is c o c h e l l a and here's one for you uh do something difficult and you know what i actually forgot the most fucked up one of the week i have to just bear with me here i have my the microphone laying on my chest right now i want to say somebody used to do that didn't like one of those those guys late at night when they're trying to sell your shit before they came up with the janet jackson mcdonnell's drive-through headset didn't they have

like that hands-free device where the microphone just dangled from your neck i want to say that they had that oh the other guys that's a movie coming out that the other guys i actually had an audition for that movie and i got all the way down to the part where the guy who got the part was fucking in yeah i think he went in before me and killed it so now when i see that movie i'm like ah it looks so fucking funny i could have been in there with eight lines god damn it all right the fucking all right what's the name of this video woman finds man in bed something like that that oh here women woman wakes up to find intruder in her bed you gotta see this one it's so fucked up i don't even know if it's real it looks like a fucking in living color sketch um all right

overrated underrated for this week and the overrated underrated this week uh you guys really took it to another level here this is fucking phenomenal all right underrated uh first kid in your junior high that admitted to jerking off that might be one of my favorite underrated of all time what a fucking champ that kid was you know you know some people are still trying to find themselves at 35 or possibly 42 like myself that kid knew who the fuck he was in junior high hey jerking off i do it fucking feels good i'll fucking rub one out in next class i like the teacher she's doing something for me what i'm the last guy in the in the in the fucking row just don't turn around you'll be fine um number two whoever commented that roger ebert now looks

like one of the muppets from the land of confusion video jesus christ on a side note that is one of the creepiest videos ever yeah man poor roger ebert jesus christ you know what i mean how ironic is that that he spent his life criticizing people and then he gets fucking mouth cancer you know and he's still criticizing shit he's like he's like the goddamn a terminator um jesus christ and if that's true what the fuck am i gonna get the fuck's gonna happen to me all this shit that i spew um number three leopold butters scotch next to cartman the best character on south park i hope i said the dude's name right i love south park i really love it and i'm actually i'm gonna uh i'm starting to watch the boondocks because everybody told me that's the shit so watch it with me and uh let's

watch a quality show together what do you say people anybody else watching breaking bad i can't believe i've been watching it for three fucking seasons and i haven't um i haven't uh i haven't really talked about it i fucking love it it's a goddamn it's a great show but i've yet to get into that advertising mad mad mad men mad money the fuck is it i don't know everybody walks around smoking um i heard it's great and everybody on that show is dressed in suits which i like uh number four underrated this is another great one this is a new this is this this is this person's first contribution to the podcast and uh i think this person should be a staff writer here's another fucking gem number four station wagons in the 80s with the rear seats facing out the back window

kids have everything today but they missed out on that one do you know my parents had an 83 caprice classic maroon with the fake wood going down the side top of the line the wire wheels cloth maroon fucking uh interior we drove all the way out to chicago one time all the way out to chicago i was in the middle a couple of my siblings were sitting in the back and i was jealous that they got to sit you know seeing what we just fucking saw and then my parents sat in the front in that bench seat that blocked the ac and they wouldn't let us put the windows down my fucking dad would sit there with his hands in front of the you know his hands on the vent like an inch away from the vent feeling the ac coming out you know completely fucking selfish

and well like can we turn it on we can put the windows down like no we got the ac on yeah well the big cloth bench seat is fucking blocking it and we just sat there looking at farmland whizzing by my brother's actually got to stick their heads out the window in the back you know like a couple of fucking mutts and i sat there in the middle just had to sit there taking it all right number five underrated kids in the hall absolutely when people bring up the greatest sketch shows of all time you know they'll say mr show they'll say dave chapelle and uh the people in the know also say kids in the hall and i'd have to definitely go with that all right overrated humping in the shower apps are fucking loopy that's exciting

when you're in college you know the sensation of water you know yeah humping in the shower is weird then the water's hitting her booty crack it starts making a weird noise you know as the water shoots up from her fucking ass crack it's hitting you in your lower jaw you know who can concentrate um number two uh bartenders that claim to have created their own drink is it ever good it's never fucking good uh overrated bourbon street i got to go with yeah that is overrated you fucking go down there it's a bunch of goddamn tourists who can't hold their fucking alcohol and then there's a bunch of goddamn wolves on the side streets waiting to fucking stick a knife in your neck uh also overrated national spelling bee contests are

overrated uh i don't know i got i don't know if i go i actually like those ones and i think it's great that those kids learn how to fucking spell it's something that i wish i learned how to do and um i root for i want them to win the spelling bee and i also want them to get laid before they're 36 um and here's a random one go on google maps and you know when you can hit satellite and actually look down you know and actually bring yourself down on the street with that little man here's one for you in the middle of france this is what you want to look up here's the address eight r u e which means street d u of dr agar d o c t e u r g r a n d j e a n that was one word uh grand genre which means big genre um five four zero zero zero nancy n a n c y i just

realized how long this is and now i can't stop i gotta give you the whole thing comma m e u r t h e you guys write this down like morse code dash et dash m o s e l l e and then lorraine france l o r r a i n e all right google map that hit the satellite bring the little man down on the street and tell me what the fuck that is on that porch tell me that's not a fucking alien there's an alien on the porch and the satellite cut the picture of it i don't know who knows it's probably a goddamn beehive that was a long fucking way to go but i like it i think that that has a lot to do it's a good theme for this podcast you know for a hungover son of a bitch with nothing in his in his stomach other than the two slices of pizza that i ate at one in the morning la pizza by the way so you know

it was good um you know something i just realized i feel like i haven't said anything funny in the last 20 minutes how long ago was that clinton gore with their bitchy bodies sachet and around the white house i know that that was funny huh the sound of their milk white hips hitting that fucking suit material nation wide health care just walking around the oval office both of them you know something i'm gonna i'm gonna vote them that in my lifetime the two bitchiest that's the bitchiest tandem that has ever ever been in the white house you know what i mean i'll tell you right now i i didn't vote for you for or actually 96 actually 96 i did vote for clinton but after that i've just gone rogue because then clinton just turned out to be the same fucking dude

that that that that other guy the angry guy with the pen bomb dole right you know you did the same shit they all do the same shit all you fucking morons who voted for obama and now you're surprised can you believe he's pretty much doing what mccain would have done and i'm not talking about the taxes shit i'm talking about the afghans yeah i don't fucking i don't even know what i'm talking about but i'm sick of all you douchebags bitching about all the taxes do you really think you're gonna have two fucking wars and at some point when all the rich people get up from the table after that they fucking chew and screw remember when you did that you walked in with your buddies and you ordered a big fucking meal and when the waitress went up to bar you all ran out the door

and you jumped into your fucking amc gremlin and drove away laughing laughing your ass off and that poor broad had to pay for it do you know that there's a place in norwood massachusetts called the cafe venice and i did that 20 years ago and i still feel guilty about it i went in there and i'm not gonna name names but it was a bunch of names there's too many names to name and we stood up and we were gonna pay and we and the waitress was just not there and we just waited and waited and waited and waited and like where the fuck is she and then there was that tension and there was somebody there was this weird laugh and somebody out of the group walked out the door and then there was that panic oh my god it was like that musical chair game you didn't want to be the last one

standing when the music's playing playing because then you got to pay for the check and then we all just fucking just burst it out the door and i remember because it was really dark in the cafe venice i don't even know if it even exists anymore and then we went out into the sunlight couldn't fucking see shit just running towards something that looked like the shape of our car just that young fucking energy that you had we could actually be stuffed with food and still run and laugh and still get away you know and we just got in the car and just laughed our asses off the whole way and i immediately afterwards i felt guilty because i knew that she would have to pay for it and uh this is how young i was i actually ordered a large milk with my Italian meal

i was like 18 or 19 and i was one of those guys who just never stopped drinking milk i didn't stop drinking milk until i was like i don't know somewhere in my fucking late 20s i used to drink i loved it i loved a nice cold glass of fucking milk and i had it with like every meal and it was you know my first time at 18 we're all of a sudden you're not realizing you're hanging out with adults i just graduated high school and everybody's ordering and they're going yeah let me get let me get uh you know some fucking rigatoni with the fucking meat sauce over there and i'll get a fucking coke in a while every's ordering coke some beer and blah blah blah and i was like uh i'll have the spaghetti and meatballs and i uh have a large milk and there was this pause and then

uh the ball breaking began and it never fucking ended for the rest of it you know and uh whatever i don't know what the fuck i'm saying what the fuck am i saying oh yeah yeah so they hit they we got two fucking wars for eight goddamn years and then all the corporations got up from the table ran out to their fucking uh top of the line bulletproof suvs and they drove off and yeah they left us with the tab and all you guys think that we're not gonna have to pay it back you think the taxes aren't coming that fuck they're coming oh they're coming there you go that was my fucking what's going on with the world oh fuck you go fuck yourselves whatever i made it to an hour i made another one that's all it is that's all it is it's like the drew carry show the last nine seasons

where they're just going whatever it's syndication money who gives a fuck let's just bring in some fat broad with crazy makeup and have drew yell at her well people watch it great we'll all get fucking paid we're all gonna get fucking paid hey did anybody read that story in that magazine i think it was esquire magazine about that guy who fucking went on the prices right and like a card counter he just he broke the bank he won both showcases in the 37 years or whatever the show the prices right has been on the air no one has ever guessed the exact amount of the showcase that they bid on and this guy did it and all you have to do is come within 50 bucks or 100 bucks and you win both showcases and this guy he fucking he nailed both he hit it right on the head

and to the point they thought he was cheating because everybody was winning that day and they can't figure out if it was him or if it was this other guy in the audience who was fucking tipping people off because they were giving away cars and i guess the prices right has to pay for the prizes so evidently drew carry didn't think that the episode was going to air so he was kind of a dick when he said you won both and then i guess they ended up fucking airing it during like a sweeps week so he kind of looked like a dick but uh i guess the prices right people were not thrilled so this is his whole article and he's saying the he's only guilty of being an avid fan of the show and the prices right fucked up by they would have reoccurring prices i'm reoccurring prizes

like they had some sort of smoker on there one of those egg smokers you've ever seen those fucking things um and he knew the exact fucking price of it so when he was in contestants row they were like the egg smoker somebody was like 1500 and he goes you know and if you don't know the exact price of somebody says 1500 you think it's about 1500 you usually go 1501 or you say 1200 to try to get the next you know 300 in your favor he said like fucking uh i'm gonna go with uh 1478 and he nailed it first fred fucking fly am i really going to go through the whole episode it's out there people but whatever go to the mmpodcast.com this weekend i'm going to be down in la joya california just outside of san diego playing the comedy store my home away from home

out here in la i'm going to do the one down in la joya and uh bring your ass down there i got a brand new hour of shit and uh i cannot wait to go down there i'm going to spend the fucking weekend down there get a sunburn on the beach maybe do a little golfing and uh even though i don't golf i just like fucking you know going out there and slowing it down for the other cunts on the course and that's it that's the podcast for this week god bless all he is and uh by the way in two weeks i'm going to be at the new port yawning center in newport rhod island and i'm going to be at the hampton beach ballroom casino in hampton new hampshire uh i gotta sell a ton of fucking tickets so if you're not doing anything for the love of god you and all your friends come on down get

hammered if you're the waitress from the cafe venice please show up i'll give you a dvd and i'll give you the fucking hundred bucks with interest that i owe you from fucking god damn 22 years ago all right everybody have a good week um You You You