Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-20-15

Episode Date: August 21, 2015

Bill rambles about fat people, Jared from Subway and getting a bicycle.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you, man. How's your week going? You know, August 20th. Holy shit. Where is the summer going? Oh, Billy fucking fat kicks. Oh, pasty tits himself is still been staying on the diet. I weighed myself this morning down to a buck 68 and change. I had a schedule supposed to be a buck 68 by Sunday, but I actually I started eating a little more pro actually have increased the calories because I remember a long time ago that dude who plays Wolverine in the X men. He was saying like towards the end when he wanted to get completely shredded like

he was eating like a whole chicken every day. So you know, that was like probably 3.4 seconds worth of information. So rather than going, Oh, why don't I research that and see how to do it properly? I just go, Oh, okay. Okay, I just fucking go with it. So there was also some diet this this lady put me on like fucking 15 years ago. And I vaguely remembered like at four o'clock and six o'clock, you ate a protein the size the palm your hand with the vegetable, but both at four and at six, you kept your fruits before your fruit cake there before 12. I don't fucking know all I know is it's been working for me. It's been working for me. So I got this closet thing on the outside of the house. I got this

it they put a concrete floor and put some shelves up so I can get some of the shit out of my fucking garage. Because I don't want to be that guy. Don't be that guy with all the shit in his garage, right? Like every time there's something where do we put that out? Throw it in the garage, throw it in the garage. The next thing you know, right, you got it's like looks like the beginning of Sanford and son looks like they're fucking yard except they were selling the shit making money and I'm just I'm just stockpiling it up. So I got some shit I'm getting rid of some shit I'm getting given away. And I got like three boxes of DVDs. Just from years gone by I'm just gonna stop bringing those

out the shows I'm gonna sell them for like a I don't know what I'm gonna sell them for just nothing just to get rid of them get them out of my life. And then I'll be good then I'll have a nice open area. You know, I don't know why I'm telling you guys this shit. I'm fucking. I got this old bike that I bought my wife. It's not even old. It's nice. She fucking used it like three times and she she fucked the whole thing up. I don't want she she wrote it once and the gears never shifted right again. You know, and I was just like, What did you do to it? She's like, Don't yell at me. And that was it. And then I've had to pay to get it fixed the rest of the time. So anyway, so I'm telling Versey. Right.

I tell Versey that I'm bringing this bike over to get it fucking tuned up that I'm gonna sell it and I'm gonna buy a guy's bike. And then he just starts laughing because I got to do a bit about that man. He's just like you fucking guys who buy bikes. He's like, you're never going to use it. You're never going to fucking use it. And I'm just sitting there. I'm like, dude, you're never going to use it. You know what I mean? It'd be like if you're not into cooking and somebody buys one of those fucking things that smashes up the garlic. You know, if you fucking always order out, you're like the way by you're never going to use it. It's like, No, dude, you're never going to use it. All right, you're not

the world. But I don't know, Versey was cracking me up today. I was telling us that dude, I'm down to a buck 68 because you're down to a buck 68. And I was like, Yeah, he goes, you know, he goes, you know, but I feel like you're like one of those those skinny Irish guys that could just fucking eat anything. You know, I'm telling you right now, that is the number one thing that people who are out of shape say not saying Versey's out of shape, but I've heard that for more goddamn fatties in my lifetime. They always want to say that you be you know, you could eat anything. You know, with you with your metabolism, you could fucking eat anything. Me, you know, I even look at food, I put on weight. Yeah, you look at it and then you shove it down your

fucking piehole. I love how fat and I want to go off on fat people, but I'm kind of going to go off on them here. I love how they they try to act like we don't understand caloric intake. Is that the right word? I don't know. It's like, it's like, dude, I eat food too. I know what it does to me. All right. I just don't sit down with the whole fucking bun cake when I've had a bad day and eat the whole fucking thing, you know, turning it upside down so the frosting touches my tongue rather than the roof of my mouth. So I get more of a sugar fix. You know, see that I've dabbled. I've had my problems. They're always saying that anytime you get in shape, somebody always has to say like, you know, oh, that's because you're fucking a tap. No, it's because I fucking,

I quit boozing and I eat fucking as perfect as I could. I could and I worked out to the point my knees are fucking killing me. That's how I got in shape. I write their fucking, oh, whatever the fuck you're eating there with your fucking blueberry muffins, right? Whereas you're sitting there bitching and then halfway through, he tells me that he fucking ate a bag of gummy bears. It's like, what do you think your body does with that? He's going like, dude, I can't fucking, I can't get rid of my stomach, dude, my stomach. That's the fucking thing. I can't get rid of the stomach. It's like, well, dude, you put it on first there, and then you take it on last. So you just got to, you got to keep going. I should fucking

let him laugh. And I told him, I said, no, Paul, there's no difference between our metabolism. All right, I'm fucking 10 years older than you. I'm 47 years old. I don't want to hear that shit. All right, simple fact is I have more willpower than you. And I'm, I'm, I'm way more red on nutrition. And I don't know shit. You know, you actually laughed. I'll tell you right now, I don't know shit about nutrition. I don't, I, I listen to shit the people say, and then I try it out. And if it works, then I start doing it. And then I repeat it to other people as if I did, I guess I did do research because I tried to use it. I have no fucking idea. But anyway, all these fucking people, fat people, women are another group of people. They say,

say stuff, it's easier for a guy to lose weight than it is for a woman. You know, it's like, for example, me and my boyfriend went on a diet the other day. It's like two weeks later, he's kidding. I barely lost any fucking right. They always say that shit. You know, it's because they're built for mothering where we fucking retain me, blah, blah, blah, blah, excuses, excuses, eat a fucking salad and get on the treadmill like the rest of us. You know, I think the problem with, with, I think with women, I just felt all female listeners just tuning out at this point is that they just do a lot more social shit. You know, like a lot of their shit involves sitting around talking and ordering something. You know what I mean? Where guys, it involves a lot of standing

around while drinking, you know, and that's the difference right there. You guys sit down and you consume your calories. We're standing up, you know, drinking a fucking Miller. I don't know. Maybe that there's elements of truth, I guess, in some, some people's metabolism is faster. I imagine there's some element of truth of women having a little more difficult time. But I've never seen anybody that fucking worked out and ate right and did not look good. I can honestly tell you that there's, I've never seen somebody going like, I'm eating kale salads and apples. And for some reason I'm 350 pounds. It's like, well, when you want to be honest about the other truckload of horseshit, you're throwing down your fucking throat when nobody's around.

You know, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just saying, I don't fucking buy into fat people, women, or just some pudgy guys, horseshit lie about your fucking metabolism. You know what I mean? You're sitting around eating gummy bears and cakes. You probably put, you probably, they put gummy bears on cakes, don't they? Big gummy bear cake. Then you shove that down your fucking throat. And then the next day you have some oatmeal and you think that that's going to give you abs. I'm really being a fucking judgmental contier, aren't I? Well, that's what I do. It is what I do when I'm on the fucking podcast. So anyways, I got a, what am I trying to say? I just realized I don't have my computer here and I don't have any of the fucking subjects, anything that I

wanted to talk about. I'm going to be on Conan O'Brien tonight. And I actually planned on talking about Tom Brady. We just never got to it. Fucking killed me. I wanted to call Jim or say a baby on that show. And I think I can't believe I didn't. But anyways, that's going to be on tonight. It's a fucking monster show. Monster goddamn show. I had to go on, go on after fucking Bill Hader. He went out destroying as always. That's one of those things where he's sitting there going like, why am I going on after this guy? I should be going on first. But then how those shows work, it's like he's got a movie coming out, right? Or he's got that thing coming out with Fred Armisen. Will they dress like Quakers? I don't, I don't know. I didn't know what the fucking show

was about. All I know is I'm watching it because those two are hilarious, but he was promoting that thing. And I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So let's plow ahead here. Hang on, hang on. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go get my fucking computer because I actually have to have the advertising and all that. And through the magic, through the absolute fucking magic of me hitting the pause button, I'll be back in half a second. All right, just like that, I'm back and I got something to talk about. Dude, what the fuck happened to the guy who did the subway things? Jared says he finds middle school girls hot. Some chick was taping them for fucking four years. He's caused a lot of pain. It's pain that will never go away. What for saying

that? Yeah, he must have gone a little further than that. On Wednesday, Fogel admitted that he had sex with at least two minors and obtained child pornography of 12 other children as young as six years old. Oh boy. Dude, is anybody safe? Can anybody go wire to wire without the fucking hammer coming down? Jared Fogel is a monster. He's a monster. That's what she said. How funny is it that I was just talking to you guys about eating right and getting in shape, and I go look at Google fucking news so I got something to run my goddamn yap about. Jesus Christ. Ah, and he looks like Derosa. That's fucking hilarious. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Fogel served as subway spokesman for 15 years ever since he first appeared on

television claiming that eating the fast food changed sandwiches and working out helped him lose more than 200 pounds. Please. He probably lost that money running out the back door when the parents came on. See, this is dumb. I shouldn't be doing this. This guy has not been convicted of anything. Oh, but he's completely fucked. He better have done it. I mean, I hope he didn't for kids' sake, but I mean, he's fucked now. It's over. What's he gonna go over to blimpy? Hey, everybody, I'm wrongly accused child molester Jared Fogel, and I'm gonna tell you that blimpy makes even more skinny. And with the stress of sitting there, you know, thinking I was gonna go to jail for that shit and get gang raped because that's what happened. Oh God, Jared, Jared, what did you do?

Oh my God. If he fucking did this shit and he's guilty and he goes to jail, do you have any fucking idea? Well, it's good. I love that they put him in protective custody for how fucking long? You know what I mean? I figure maybe eight, 10 years. He's fucked, literally. Oh my God, don't descend on him. Hey, Jared, what do you want? The six or the 12 inch? Oh God, I fucking kill myself. Oh, there's got to be a way to do it. He's too fucking skinny now to hang himself. Just sit there twitching around like a fucking goddamn fly that got his wing ripped off. How do you kill yourself when you're shaped like a pencil? Oh God, what do you do? Oh, I know I do. I fucking break my glasses and I jam one of the pieces in my neck, just bleed out in

the cell. There you go. Let's see, there's always a way. You know, you put somebody in a confined area that they're going to come up with something. You got to be fucking kidding me. I don't understand why before the guys convicted that his face is all over the fucking place. I don't get it because if this guy didn't do this shit, it was like what the fuck I was talking about last week about the hockey player there. It's like if they didn't do it, they're completely fucked. They're fucked either way. Either they did it and they go into jail and they're getting gang raped. You know, that's what you get for doing that shit. But on the other side, if you didn't do it, how do you make your money then? I don't know. You got to be

fucking kidding me. Wow. Wow. Jeb Bush Donald Trump unapologetic for anchor baby language. I got to be honest with you. As far as like offensive shit, anchor baby, that's pretty fucking light. You know what I mean? There's no racial epitaph in there. There's nothing homophobic. Anchor baby. It's the baby that gets you in here. You know, you're putting down roots, right? How about a root baby? A root of baby. I hate that fucking report. That term is offensive. Your term is offensive. Shut the fuck up. You're offensive. You're fucking cunt. You work for some corporate goddamn news, news fucking paper. Quit acting like you're giving out the facts. You jerk off. You write about what they tell

you to write about. That's what you should have done. You write what they tell you to write about. Then you go on your cash, those checks, don't you? You go and go buy yourself an Audi, right? Or a BMW, some German sedan that lets the bros know you're fucking, you know, you're on the dole. You got to be fucking kidding me, man. Jesus Christ. If you can't trust a former fuck, fat fuck who's eating sandwiches to be around your kids, honestly, who can you trust? That would have been a great fucking segue to go into my advertising. Where the fuck is it? Oh, it's over here. Jesus. Everything's just falling apart on me here. All right. It's time for some advertising. I mean, what else do you do after you talk about the former fat fuck who

became a skinny guy, and then allegedly, Jesus Christ. I think you have. Anyways, how the fuck do you think you're going to get away with something like that? All right. Be one thing if you were the spokesperson for Wendy's like that old guy, then you could just say, no, no, just dressed as Santa. All right, it's okay. All right, let's what do we got here? What am I reading here? Is it Oxford? Oh, blue apron. It's okay. You can admit the last thing anyone wants to do after work is wait in line at the grocery store, schlep home and cook a complicated meal. An expensive unhealthy takeout is hardly any better. That's where the new service blue apron comes in. Why is the apron blue? I don't know.

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go to blueapron.com slash burr. Hey blueapron.com slash burr. All right what else do we got here? Important note please do not leave out the mandatory italicized verbiage verbiage. All right I can't fucking read this. All right do you want the government oh this is legal zoom do you want the government to decide what happens to your property and minor children? If not make the commitment to protect your family with the last will or living trust today. It's national make a will month once again and legalzoom.com at legalzoom.com and doing the right thing has never been easier. They've created a better way for you and your spouse to take control of your family's future. Check out legal zooms new last will and living trust bundles. The more you plan

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fucking internet in here. At least I know who's in first place now right. American League East is the Yankees. They got some new kid I saw. He had a couple of home runs the other night. Something bird. Kansas City's in first place. American League Central and then in the West. I don't know who it is. And the Dodgers are in first place. The Mets are in first place and the Cardinals. I just don't know who's in first place. Who the fuck would it be. The Angels. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I'm psyched the Dodgers are in. Maybe I'll go to a playoff game. Oh really Bill. What do you think they're sitting around waiting for you. You cunt. Anyways hey this is a bad thing. I got all this extra shit in my garage. Like I have like half cans of turpentine and all

this crap left over from when they were redoing the bottom of the of my piece of shit fucking tree fort of a house which is now much nicer. Much nicer. Okay but now we're doing the upstairs because you know all the wiring was put in by Herman Munster and the fucking Jesus Christ. I want to get into it. I have fucking holes in my walls again because you know all they have to say is I don't know that pipe looks a little old and after this shit I went through I'm just like open the wall and fix all of it and that's what they've been doing. So I have pretty much I have copper pipes going through almost all of the house and now they're talking about the sink. Well you know we could go through the wall and the kitchen and this fucking. Is that what you

could do? Is that what you could do? Just fucking do it. Cut the fucking thing open and get it done with. I feel like I've been having open heart surgery on this goddamn fucking house. What a dope. What kind of a fucking dope buys a fucking house that's 90 years old in a state in the middle of a drought. Good move Bill. Way to go. Did you read the art of the deal? Got to love Trump. He said the greatest fucking. He said the second greatest book of all time is his book the art of the deal and then the right behind the Bible. The guy he's crushing it as far as the one-liners. The guy he's a quote machine. He's like Rex. If Rex Ryan ran for president it actually had money you know. Oh by the way I saw this thing on Real Sports. It was really passive aggressive

by that fucking tool shed. Bryant Gumbel. I almost said Bryant Gumbel. You know the fucking they come back to him right and he's got his little clipboard of questions and he's like oh you know he's always fucking whenever you've got the question his voice goes really high. And he fucking they were doing a story on Rex Ryan and he this is what he said. He said most coaches are stoic like Tom Coughlin or socially inept control freaks like Bill Belichick. You know but not outspoken brash Rex Ryan. That was so fucking passive aggressive. What that everybody in the media hates Bill Belichick because he won't talk to him. You talk to the Patriots they say he's fucking hilarious and he has a great personality. That

shit that he does is no different than what Shaq did. Shaq in the beginning of his career would fuck around and then he realized what cunts the fucking media was and it's all right. I'm not giving you anything because it just motivates the other team. That's what Belichick does. That's why Shaq if you see him doing MTV Cribs he's got this amazing personality. You watch him do the fucking commentating in between the the fucking halves. He's fucking hilarious totally outgoing. If you watch him during his career he's just like well I got the ball Kobe. Kobe gave back me turned around and did a layup. Try to score more points for them. That's only one game. Still need to win three more. That's all he would do. All he was doing. You get him on MTV Cribs

he's a fucking riot throwing his kids around on his giant bed. Right. That's the same thing with Belichick. Belichick just goes out there you know. Hey you're playing this piece of shit team next week. That's going to be an easy win. Right. Isn't that going to be easy. He just goes well you know say the NFL every team is a worthy opponent and we're not looking past them. So all we're focused on right now is trying to beat the Jacksonville Jaguars and then they get mad because it's just like you didn't say something crazy. You know out there sniffing feet. You know what I mean. You're not predicting that you're going to win the fucking Super Bowl and they actually this is what kills me. So they fucking they say that he's socially inept

in a control freak and then they say Rex Ryan is super confident. And then they're talking about when he was a kid how he was unbelievably insecure and kids picked on him and all that and they're showing pictures of him when he's like 11 or 12. It's like that shit doesn't go away. You're still that guy. You're just that guy and you wait 200 more pounds. That's all. But having said all that I'm psyched he fucking lost the weight. You know he looks great. And I think he's going to do real well out in Buffalo with that defense. That's the exact fucking team that he should be coaching. He did great with the Jets when the Jets had a defense and I think that's a fucking home run. But he's got the same

problem I think maybe not as bad that he had in New York which he has nobody at the quarterback position. So call me crazy but I just say it's going to be more of the same. I think he's going to talk shit. He's going to say that they're going to win. He already said that they're going to make the playoffs. I think they're going to do well and then some guys are going to want to get more money and when their contract gets up they want to fucking play in a warmer place with more media attention than they're going to leave and he's going to be left with no fucking quarterback and no defense. And that's how that's going to go. You know who knows. I'm not saying he's a bad coach. I'm just predicting he's going to get fired. What a cunt. Either way I'm looking forward to it.

Can't wait for football season. Cannot fucking wait. So here's the deal. I we're going to be going to that Texas Longhorn Oklahoma State football game as we do that run through Texas and then I got another run towards the end of October where I'm going through the Midwest and I'm trying to find games. Weekend I'm in Chicago. Northwestern has a road game. Illinois has a fucking road game. Then I looked I fucking Purdue was home. Iowa was home. But then I was like come on man there's got to be there's got to be a fucking game close by and then I looked like three days before the tour starts. Notre Dame playing USC at Notre Dame. So I might be adding a couple extra stand updates and maybe going to try to go to that one. We'll see. That's an outside

chance. But if I'm not I think I'm going to go to that Purdue game after I do the Chicago theater. We're going to drive over there playing Nebraska. I've always liked Purdue and Nebraska was a fucking powerhouse when I was a kid. Irving Friar, Mike Rosier, Turner Gill. I almost said Jimmy Johnson coached him but he coached that Miami team that beat Nebraska and that amazing championship game I believe. The fuck was that coach? I can't remember but they just had they just had one Hall of Fame offensive lineman after another when I was coming up and they used to just be like I remember when you get those those football cards that were just for skill just like that fucking what a DraftKings right just for skill. And that was back when you could actually bet on games

where the spread was like 70 points. So you'd be sitting there and every week like you just you just bet against Nebraska you had to you were getting like 65 points 70 points and we'd all be at school laughing just going how do you lay off this game it's like you're up 70 to nothing already. You know you're just banking on the fact that they'll score 50 early and then put their scrubs in and they're not gonna it's not gonna happen and these fucking assholes Nebraska they used to cover they used to cover and we hated losing money but we just thought it was the funniest fucking thing ever you know losing money sucks but losing money that way that's just something hilarious about it and then you'd end up losing your bet and then just rooting for them to go for two points

and try to somehow score 100 but uh but anyways so we're gonna be going to that game possibly the the uh the Notre Dame game and I might even in November I got another road gig that they there's a chance um Ole Miss and LSU are playing I might be able to that'd be three in one year that'd be fucking sick so that's what I'm working towards that's what I'm working towards if you can believe it um anyways how do I feel like there was something else I want to tell you I'm gonna be on Conan um I think that's it I'm gonna be on Conan that's it I'm on Conan tonight check it out it's uh what am I trying to say oh so tonight uh the guests are Bill Hader then myself and this hilarious comic Sam Morrill um and everybody you know it's actually a

fucking great show to be honest with you so tune in if you can you know try to watch it live sit through the commercials you know I know nobody does anymore but anyways that's the Thursday afternoon podcast uh have a great weekend your cunts and I'll uh talk to you on Monday okay um all right advice I know this girl I've known her for a bit uh we're friends we've been for a while okay now this one you know how everybody always trashes me for the way I fucking read I know I suck at reading but I have to let you know this is all in lower case and there's absolutely no punctuation whatsoever I don't know if this guy text message this or what but this is not my fucking

fault let me try my best to read this all right Bill I know this girl I've known her for a bit and we're friends no period we've been for a while comma anyway about a month ago I asked her out on a date and she said yes comma continuing this sentence he doesn't have periods he just has commas lowercase I took her out and we had fun no period we talked shit was hunky dory no comma we kissed it no period it was awesome first date it was an awesome first date hey there's a period no capital letter then I I barely fucking heard from her no period I was running around like a fucking jackass no period just trying to talk to her uh I'm sorry I guess it keeps going just trying to talk to her and when we would talk it was fine oh there's a period I was beating myself up

going crazy no period I was some piece of shit anyway I pulled myself together and I asked her out again she once again said yes awesome right well not your fucking lack of punctuation that's not awesome so we go out again went cool again I didn't kiss her this time I don't know it was just off but anyway comma that was no punctuation in all of that you fucking dick once again I was fucking once again I fucking didn't hear a thing so I said fuck it I don't need this right now we just went back to being friends never talked about it just let it lay I'm fucking seeing double at this point anyway lately I've been talking to her a lot like I said like I said we're friends but she's very clearly been flirting with me and I honestly have been flirting back I still like the girl no

period no nothing but I just don't know if it's worth it you know period no question mark she's got a lot of drama she's one of these girls that gets drunk at a party and cries then ask people if she's pretty which she really fucking is like really hot dot dot dot dot dot uh but I do like her I just don't know if I should put myself through this shit again what do you think Bill I legitimately legitimately would like your advice slash opinion um okay the first thing I would do I would get some sort of spell check I would get some sort of uh um phonics or some sort of shit to teach you how to write all right people I know I suck at reading out loud but can you do me a fucking solid I'm not reading any more fucking emails that that are like this all right because

this is literally I'm starting to lose my fucking eyesight um so what do I think yeah okay this is what I think I think you should definitely not get into a relationship with this girl this girl this girl is a fucking nightmare all right there's all kinds of red flags I don't know what happened to her and I can tell you right now you don't want to find out what's happening to her what happened to her you don't want to find out in that you don't want to have feelings for this girl all right and when the other fucking bag of shit hits the floor and your heart is underneath it you don't you don't let a girl like this break your heart all right you can see it from a mile away she is a fucking mess all right there's plenty of great girls out there you're a young guy go

find one all right find a girl you know make a list of shit all right one of the big things if you want to find a really good girl is find one who has a great relationship with her parents hopefully they're still together all right that's another good thing start with that but if they're sitting there you think they got low self-esteem issues you're going to kill a decade of your fucking life trying to build them up and you know what it's going to be it's going to be fucking exhausting all right and then because she doesn't think she's pretty she might act out sexually for some sort of you know I don't know like jeez I just really have an hour and six minutes in here just you know some sort of affirmation

that she is pretty okay so what do I think you should do all right well if you're a well adjusted guy you'll just walk away from the situation and say that I'm not going to just bang her and use that as a fucking notch on my bed post to make my ego feel good and I'm not going to hurt this person but if you're how most people are your age I would just say bang her and then uh I don't know it's it's going to be ugly if you want to bang this girl I got to tell you don't let your heart get involved and uh I don't know not not having seen her not seen how hot she is and being older and more mature I would say just walk away and go find some well adjusted hottie that's unless you just want to bang somebody but then you can do that you know what is about

this thing you know I don't like there's too much fucking history you got to be able to leave you got to be able to fucking go out the side door if you're just going to bang somebody you can't have this well we were friends at first and then it became romantic then we went back to being friends and then we fucked it's just a fucking nightmare I'd find someone else to fuck but if you don't give a shit yeah I'd bang her but by no means don't develop any sort of feelings for her all right there you go that's my advice you know uh dear bill recently I had to return some items at the mall uh it was the day after Christmas

and I was with a girl I was dating with the girl that I was dating she wanted to return some shoes so we went to the journey store where the shoes were bought uh when she got to the counter to return the shoes the girl behind the counter asked her for her name address email and phone number oh my god the amount of fucking people who actually give out that information my girlfriend just gave the information over as soon as the girl asked for it we were leaving the store I remarked that I thought it was bullshit that she had to give away personal information to return a pair of shoes she said uh it was not a big deal but I didn't like it all right why the fuck would you give somebody all that information and just in case

you're new to my podcast just say you can say no can I you know I go out to buy shit all time can I have your phone number no I don't even say I don't even try to make it nice I just say no and then they go oh okay you know why do you feel like you've got to give them their information you're trying to buy something I'm sorry I can't I can't sell you this unless they get your information well then go fuck yourself buy it somewhere else I don't even need it anyways so anyways he goes next we go to american eagle you guys hit all a hot spot huh then we went to thin a bun next we went to american eagle where I had to return a shirt that was a gift there was a long line for returns why'd you return the shirt did it not fit or was it ugly as hell

or was it both as I was waiting in line one of the employees comes up to me with a clipboard with a little form to fill out now is anybody else kind of getting the prison camp vibe here you know you're standing in line to get processed and there's a guy coming up what is your name please your phone number um I stopped the employee I stopped the employee and asked her why she needed this information and she says that it was to verify my purchase how fucking dumb are people you're gonna verify my purchase well here's the sales slips there sweetheart this verifies it that's it I don't know what to tell you why don't you and your clipboard why don't you hold that clipboard between your little fucking beef curtains and take a fucking walk down the street how about

that huh sweetheart there there's no reason to use that type of language go fuck yourself uh how about I fucking grab that ponytail and just no let's let's let's let's let's let's keep it clean this week shall we people anyway he goes before I could protest further she said that I could just put my name on it oh on on the clipboard when she walked away I pulled out the gift receipt and said to my girlfriend oh here it is yeah this is what verifies my purchase exactly the clipboard employee wasn't as far as way as I thought she was and heard me say did I read that wrong yeah heard me say it's heard me say this and she began to explain further why I needed to give over the information this is the part of the email I hate he goes I apologized and told her I realized it

wasn't her and that it was just her company's policy that she was enforcing she walked away again I felt bad so the next time I saw her I apologized and said I realized that she was just doing her job but she ignored me she was probably pissed because it was the day after Christmas and I was causing her grief but she could at least accept my apology you bitch um I love how you go from being totally liberal and seeing somebody's fucking side of it to being yeah man up you cunt anyway I got up to the counter and there wasn't any further problems the guy at the register just took my name and didn't ask me for anything I felt as though I had a small victory against the big corporations then this week I had to go back to the store to return a hat my girlfriend got

did you guys not make Christmas lists or are all your relatives blind this seems to be a lot of returning of gifts this is hilarious you're returning a hat that your girlfriend got you dude how horrific was that hat can you please send me a picture of it before I if you took one before you returned it picture one of those a plaid charlie chaplin hat um I had the receipt but again the girl at the register asked me for my address and phone number I said I didn't want to give that information to her immediately panic sets in on her face and she says that I have to I said that I didn't have to the day after Christmas and I wasn't going to now good for you she calls over a coworker and they both get defensive and hold to the idea that I have to give over my information

in order to return a stupid hat even though I had my receipt I asked why and they let me slide why they let me slide on this before they maintained that I had I had to give them my name address and phone number so what did I do in the face of corporate opposition I caved and I gave it to him you fucking pussy dude the second you saw the panic on their face you knew that they were going to lose all right he goes I just don't get it bill why is a receipt not enough nowadays it is enough they say they they need our personal information to verify a purchase they're not dude they're not all right all of that shit all those little save you know you want to get what our discount store they're creating a file on you they figure out what you want to buy what

they can market towards you and then they take that information and they sell it to other fucking companies even though they say they're not going to they sell your information your information gets up on the internet and that's why there's all these creepy websites out there right now that have all this fucking information about you about you know how many siblings you have your brothers and sisters names they all use that information to fucking it's I'm telling you just don't give them your information you don't have to give them your information and people out there who just have this fucking attitude towards these corporations just sitting there going like well you know what what do they got you mean as long as you're not doing anything wrong I mean

what do I care if they know where I live what do I get this fucking morons I don't even I've explained this shit till I'm blue in the face and then I always get these emails from these people um they just I don't I don't know I can't if I said something the other day you know I was sitting there I was listening to uh sports radio you know because I'm a deep thicker right and uh this this new guy got on sports radio out here in Los Angeles and you know he does what most people do when they have nothing to say which is they they just start they just go over the top arrogant you know what I mean like he was talking about how he wanted to get some some sort of sports coach or personality on the show but he doubted he could

get him as a guest because the guest hated him and he goes you know because I disagreed with him on something he he was talking to a coach and he was actually disagreeing with the with the fucking coach he's disagreeing with the guy and he goes you know what the problem is you know he goes like I'm just like such a good debater I actually end up like convincing myself of my own opinion he actually said that over the airwaves and I just sort of muttered to myself that the confidence of morons is staggering you know what I mean morons think they know everything that's that's what makes them fucking morons and like the emails I get with people who don't question this shit um which is I don't know like last week when I went off for my little

fucking rant there just some of the fucking emails I get it's like people are are sending me shit that kind of is backing up what I'm saying and then telling me that I sound like I have tinfoil on my fucking head which obviously I am out of my fucking mind on some level but um I'm not out of my mind when I don't trust corporations and I don't trust them when they say we're not going to do anything with this information the other day I was in CVS and I go to buy something and the lady asked me that I have a save card and I said no she said do you want one and I said no and she goes well that's okay I'll just and she swiped the fucking thing anyways and I was like lady what did I just say to you now see if I used my credit card they'd have my name and then to match up to that

fucking number and what the hell I just bought and just a little bit more information me about me and my question to all you people who have these this faith in these corporations why does that person do that why are they so hell bent on trying to make that corporation less money in that moment they give me this card you know like everybody has those cards so you're not saving any fucking money it's just it's a big fucking shell game to make it seem oh look you're saving money what they're really doing they're like look at this hand over here as you're giving them all your personal fucking information that they can then use to very least sell the other corporations to increase junk mail and also to limit your fucking level of privacy the fact that they can put all that

shit up in the goddamn internet people have been sending me these random websites where they have like your name and your address where you fucking live and all this type of shit it's like how do you think that they get all that information do you think there's somebody sitting there with a phone book and just typing all of this shit in I don't know I don't fuck it if some let's let's what kills me if some fucking random creepy guy you know you're standing there waiting for the subway came up to you asked you what your name your phone number and your address was would you give it to him no but for some reason you're inside of a fucking store and there's socks and sweaters and somebody has a name tag now all of a sudden you give them total fucking trust you're

out of your mind so sir don't cave in all right all you just just say that's unacceptable that's unacceptable I want to speak to the manager what they're doing it's not legal yet it's not legal yet but I can guarantee you there's somebody lobbying for it that in Washington there's some sort of fucking high-powered lobbying group I swear to god is probably lobbying that from here on out we need to have a law that if you're going to return a hat you have to give us your name your address and your social security number just so there's not another 9 11 could guarantee it so yeah you don't have to that's actually one of the highlights of my day what I do now is when they say do you have a little savey save card and I say no I don't would you like one no I don't I

then say and please don't swipe another one you know and then I try to pay with cash I love cash cash is fucking anonymous all you guys out there who are sitting there watching these commercials where they make it look like credit cards are so fucking easy you're your idiots you're you're buying into exactly what they want you to buy into which is a cashless society so they can keep track of where you are at all fucking times and every last fucking dime that you make so they can get their greedy little fucking hands on it you're out of your mind and you're giving up an unbelievable amount of fucking privacy by creating a paper trail everywhere you go everywhere you go what you're doing where you're at you know and the sea of morons who are going to sit there and go

well if you ain't doing anything wrong I mean I guess maybe maybe I'm a paranoid psycho you look at all these fucking idiots who do reality TVs and they let cameras come into their house and they don't seem to care about it maybe maybe the average jackass doesn't give a shit but sir for the love of God you know in the end he says I'm not crying conspiracy it's very plain to see what they're doing it's not malicious or evil yes it is it is malicious and it is evil and it is a conspiracy they're conspiring to get everybody's information find out what they buy and they're lying to you saying that they're not going to share the information it's everything that you're saying it's not it is all right and that's it that's two weeks in a row I'm on the soapbox see people

don't you like it better when I talk about sports you and I try oh my god you are trying I try all the time in this institution and I pray oh my god you are brave I pray for single day for revolution uh here's some here's some conspiracy theory for you somebody said bill the they uh he wrote they are watching and um I got trashed for talking about conspiracy theory I've been trashed for talking about those automated checkout lines in the grocery store and saying that I'm paranoid and I'm afraid of technology and all this technology is just going to help my life and make my life

more easier and why don't you trust these big fucking corporations basically it's the shit the people who give me so after getting trashed we're all you know talking shit about all these corporations and actually having audacity to think that bankers we're all trying to team up and have one world bank you know to become the loan sharks for not every not only individual but actual countries okay which is something that I was thinking about when I was at the Rose Bowl stone sober and I was sitting there on the golf course and I was looking at these houses up on up on the ridge of this hill that actually looked down on on the Rose Bowl the grand daddy of them all these people have a house that looks down on it and I was actually envisioning that those

were all bankers up there and while the game was going on and 104,000 people or 96,000 whoever showed up for that game we're sitting there going fucking crazy one of those piece of shit bankers up there could put his hand on his son's shoulder and be like see all those people down there they owe all of us money they all owe me money son I'm getting a piece of all of their fucking paychecks and they don't even know it they don't even know that their daddy is looking down on him right now now had I been drinking that thought would have probably caused me to you know entertain the thought of climbing up that hill and throwing a rock through one of the windows which of course I wouldn't have done because even my drunkest I am I am aware that I don't want to go to jail and get

raped and secondly I I'm not going to go all the way up that fucking hill so what I would have done is I probably would have yelled at that kid with the light purple slacks I would have commented really loud about that dude's fucking eczema flaking off into the back of his goddamn sweatshirt um so anyways this guy sends me this email and he says build the days in this blog when I say they are watching our big business not the Illuminati but they are just as evil as any bank or secret society they don't even need your signature listen to this shit they don't even need your signature for these information gathering traderware programs to monitor everything from where the device is to what your heart rate is what is traderware that's the question I had

um your digital camera may embed metadata into photographs with cameras serial number or your location your printer may be incorporating a secret code on every page at prints which could be used to identify the printer and potentially the person who used it now now the fucking morons the sheep out there would be like yeah that's in case you threaten the president they're just doing it for the good of all people if apple puts a particularly creepy patent I guess apple is applying for this is it recently applied for the use for you can look forward to a day when your iPhone may record your voice take a picture of your location record your heartbeat and send that information back to the mother ship this is traderware devices that act behind your back

and portray your privacy now this is what the moron sheep are going to be to say well if you ain't doing nothing wrong what's the problem that's that's the philosophy that was the philosophy behind why they can record your phone calls now if you ain't doing nothing we're tasting you come on frogs you ain't doing nothing wrong do you realize how fucking dumb that mindset is so basically as long as you do what the people in power tell you what to do you won't have a problem do you understand how dangerous that is do you understand how fucking stupid it is to have that level of faith in the people who rule you you know what I mean you haven't noticed how much power can fuck somebody over like for some reason we only seem to focus on when celebrities get

famous and then they wig out and start becoming these fucking mini tyrants for some reason people don't feel they just have like this because they wave the flag and they they and they play those songs that make you choked up that they never feel like that they'll have any sort of ulterior motive for this this is the type of technology that allows a small group of people to take over the world something that sociopaths have been trying to do since the beginning of time and they were never able to do it because at some point your army would be stretched too thin right the Germans the fucking Roman Empire all that shit at some point the fucking Japanese all of them everybody who's ever tried to fucking do it at some point it gets stretched too thin so America

what we've done is we've then we've we've done the we're putting this base here to protect you thing that brilliant thing that's how we got our world empire so we just have a base then also we have these insane weapons where we can nuke everybody so we were able to kind of do it that way but the problem is is when you really get into sociopathic thought and just like those people who are so into power that it makes their dick hard is they want to know they want to be able to see everybody know what they're thinking and know what they're doing at all times because not only their psychos but with that level of power becomes this unbelievable level of paranoia like those people with those houses sitting on the ridge looking down into the Rose Bowl there's

a fear like we sit there looking up and go look at they got the fucking world there was a fear of when you attain that level of wealth of losing all of it and you begin on this this quest to quiet your mind you want you want to get a level of wealth and control in your life that you are guaranteed that it will never go away in your lifetime or your kids lifetime or your kids kids so basically everybody that you know and love will be okay and you will be okay you get into that psychotic fucking mindset and you give those kinds of people this level of fucking technology and you're going to have a problem i think that's unbelievable that this shit is and so they have this this website here uh the eff electronic frontier foundation that is

trying to fight these things being put into the detect you know the cameras the cell phones and all that shit like the fact that there's a tracking device in your cell phone like how come we didn't get to vote on that how come we don't get to vote on that type of stuff i don't want people knowing where the fuck i am at all god damn times okay and i don't need you to show me oh we cut this fucking child molester with that so because of that now everybody has to be like give me a fucking break they always have like you know that there's you know a handful of good examples for that level of fucking control and then there's a zillion bad ones so i am 100 against this shit and um there's always been evil people in the fucking world there's always going to be evil

fucking people in the world and when you get when you have this kind of technology the you're gonna you're gonna stop they're gonna stop small evil like individual you know a fucking serial rapist which you definitely want to stop all right but the price we're gonna pay is you're gonna allow a Stalin or a Hitler pull pot whoever the fuck you wanted that you're gonna with that level of technology of someone like that could get in power and and run the fucking world so you know i don't know and i i totally 100 believe that you could roll all your fucking eyes all you want i i honestly believe that and i also believe that the reason why there's so many of us right now and that the people at the top are not fucking concerned about it is because we're all

expendable and when the waters rise up the temperatures goes up and everything they're not going to be the ones who are drowning you can guarantee that they're using our taxpayer money to build some sort of something to make sure that they're okay and i think that they're bailout planned because they know they can't stop people from fucking because it feels too goddamn good and dicks and pussies are readily available to anyone it's like air you know so i think what they're gonna gradually do is phase us out with robots and automated shit which is why i refuse to use it now how fucking crazy do i sound right now has there been anything funny in the last fucking five this is shit that i truly believe you know corporations own like the dna of a grizzly

bear that's why they don't give a fuck that they're cutting down its habitat they're like i will fucking grow another one in a petri dish we're trying to take over everything and then wipe out i think they're gonna try to wipe out the poor in the middle class keep a couple of us like a small handful of us you know the way that pandas are only in like zoos at this point or some shit i don't know maybe i picked the wrong fucking animal but that that's that's the direction i think it's going all right this is your first crazy rant which was based mainly on gut feelings and a couple of emails but um i truly believe it on

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