Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-20-20

Episode Date: August 21, 2020

Bill rambles about modified mosquitos, stand-up in the woods, real karate.

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What's up, sports fans, fans of many sports. What are you guys doing? What are you watching? Watching the NBA? Watching the fucking NHL? Are you watching Major League Baseball? I'm just excited that it's back. I'm not excited that that fucking air conditioner just cranked right in the beginning of this. Whatever. It's better than sitting outside in the fucking heat. Shit. All them mosquitoes. Joe Rogan just fucking Instagram something terrifying. Something about a bunch of genetically altered mosquitoes. Now, in theory, it seems like it's going to work that these fucking mosquitoes go out and they breed with these genetically.

Are they sterile? Is it Cheryl? Are they sterile? Sterile Cheryl. I have a friend named Cheryl and she's had plenty of babies. Why would you introduce that? It's bad enough that white women just lost the name Karen. Now you're going to try to take away Cheryl. What next, Nancy? Genetically altered mosquitoes. What's the end game, everybody? I swear to God. You guys remember that show Breaking Bad? Of course you do. All right. Spoiler alert. No.

Remember everything Walter White did to fix a problem. Just created another problem. 750 million genetically engineered mosquitoes approved. All right. What is the purpose of this? And why weren't we allowed? This is one of these things like why aren't we allowed to vote on this? Hey man, like we're going to just start making genetically altered mosquitoes. Jesus Christ. I'm in the middle of nowhere right now. My first road gig in a long time and I got country. I got that country ass internet. What's your, what's your rush city boy? We got a whole fucking day out here. You know, Jesus didn't have internet.

Look what he accomplished. All right. CNN. Oh Jesus. They're going to somehow blame Trump for this. And I'll go on Fox News and they're going to say it was fucking Obama smelled Clinton. Hillary Clinton's fault. Virginia. A plan to release over 750 million genetically modified mosquitoes, skaters into the Florida keys in 2021 and 2022. This is people in Florida. You realize you fucked up so many times on national news that you are now expendable. All right. You don't see them doing this in Georgia. Do you? Ain't fucking with them. I'm Georgia peaches received the final approval from local authorities against the objections of many local residents and coal and a coalition coalition, sorry, of environmental advocacy groups.

The proposal has already won state and federal approval with the urgent crisis facing our nation in the state of Florida, the COVID-19 pandemic, racial injustice, climate change. Jesus Christ. Can they put enough stuff on this sandwich? Um, jalapeno peppers, the space race, the Cold War, fascism. The administration has used tax dollars and government resources for a Jurassic Park experiment. Now, wait a minute. Are you supposed to do the experiment before you do this? Should J.D. Hansen policy director, but now the Monroe County mosquito control district has given the final permission needed. What could possibly go wrong? We don't know because EPA unlawfully refused to seriously analyze environmental risks.

Now without further review of the risk, the environment, the experiment can proceed. What are they trying to achieve approved by the environment? The pilot project is designed to test if a genetically modified mosquito is a viable alternative to spraying insecticides to control the aides edgier. I guess that's was that Latin for mosquito? It's a species of mosquito that carries several deadly diseases such as Zika, dengue, and chukaganyak, and yellow fever. Yellow fever I heard of. Those other three need to get a publicist. Um, all right, this is what the fucking problem is, is nature is trying to get us back in balance, you know, with these diseases. And that's what the mosquitoes are for. And now we're going to stop it.

So let's say this fucking works, the population is going to continue to grow wildly out of control and create more problems. All right. So what I blame is religion and God for this. I blame both. I blame them both. All right. I blame religion because religion says God created us in his image and he thinks we're the greatest, especially if you're part of my religion, as all religions say. And then I blame God for being dumb enough to create human beings that would do shit like this. Or maybe he did it because he wanted to watch. What if I created an animal that thinks they can actually beat nature? What would that look like? You know, I've been laying around. What the hell has he been doing? He's been laying around since he created the fucking universe. I don't know.

Sometimes I really believe it's just a kid playing with his toys. You ever hear that theory? Eventually he's going to get too old to play. What the fuck was that noise that was unsettling? Fucking door closing. Anyway, so there you go. Genetically altered mosquitoes and they sent them right down to fucking Florida. And you know what? You dumb fucks, you deserve it. You deserve it. You know mask wearing fucking morons. You know, I was thinking about this shit the other day, the fact that people like fucking idiots with my level of education are questioning scientists. You know, I saw something on they fucking, these guys figured out how to make like a micro pancreas. Okay, to cure diet and they say that's going to cure diabetes, which means they figured out how to give a rat diabetes. They're growing ears on the back of rats. Okay, I mean, what the fucking you do? Huh, steel cable?

They tell you to wear a fucking mask, you idiots. I'm on the Facebook, everybody, because I'm an old person and I love, I absolutely love that we drove all of us old people drove all the young people away from Facebook. I love that it was your club. And then we all showed up and your fun ended. I enjoy that. That's one of the great things about being old. You know, at first I was fighting and I was like, no, I want to do that. I want to walk into where they're, you know, longest time I've been. I don't want to do that. I want to do it on social media. Oh God, mom, can I post without you being on my site? That shit's just funny to me. Anyway, let's talk a little bit of playoff hockey. Did I call it or did I call it with the St. Louis Blues series? I did until last night. I was watching the game the other day when I did my podcast on a Sunday evening and the Vancouver Canucks were up two games to none against the St. Louis Black and Bluesers, right? The Bluesers is Joe Barnett from puck off calls him, which is hilarious. He still calls him that they're defending Stanley Cup champions, right?

And I said, you know, they need to win game three because, you know, I watch my Bruins go up to two against them and then they just beat us down to their fucking talent level and won the game. And you know what? The Canucks lost game fours at game three and then they lost game four. It was tied to two and then the Blues went up three games to one. And you know what I was saying to myself? I was like, Bill, it's time for you to stop being a fucking baby about your fucking stupid team losing last year. The Blues won fair and square. Stop crying about it. And I was all ready to do that. And then the Canucks came back, scored two on answer to tie it up in regulation to go into overtime. And then they had the game winner to win four to three. I missed the whole game because I was out last night doing stand up, which is such a fun thing to say. I missed my Boston Bruins coming back in the third period on Monday night. I missed them closing it out last night because I was doing stand up. Bruins beat Caroline four games to one.

Vegas closes out Chicago four games to one. Vancouver Canucks three games to two. I finally now respect the St. Louis Blues like they give a shit, but I have a pitch for my Boston Bruins. You know what I mean? For when we come back and all is well and, you know, they always have like songs. You know, you know, like whenever there's a fight on the ice, they play like, why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? They do that type of shit. You know, they play old rock songs. I got one for David Crazy whenever he scores a goal. Do you remember that Guns N' Roses song? Second side appetite for destruction. You're crazy. You're fucking crazy. I think they should play the end, right? Bring it down, you're fucking crazy.

Whenever he scores, you know, and if there weren't fucking kids there, they could do it. Come on, you know you are. Bring it down, you're fucking crazy. Sorry, fucking throat is dry as shit out here. Or maybe I don't know how to sing properly. Wouldn't that be a great one? What does this say to the children? Stop saying the F word while they watch adults beat the shit out of each other. Why, they learn how to change the tone. They don't like the tone in their classroom. Drop the gloves. What else has happened? I loved the call last night by Jack Edwards. I watched the highlights when the Bruins, Patrice Bergeron, they tied it up one to one.

There was like fucking three and a half seconds left. And there was a shot on that. There was a save by Merozik. It goes behind the net. Bergeron goes to get it as he's going to get it. He's glancing over his shoulder to see what his options are out front. He sees there isn't any. He spins around. He looks out front like he's going to pass it to someone and just threw it into the legs of the goalie, wreck his shade off and went into the net. And Jack Edwards just goes, Merozik, he caught Merozik. And he goes, Merozik took a nap. Got to love a Homer. What's up sweetheart? What do you say to that sweetheart? Oh yeah, we got a new credit card. Has somebody double swiped our shit? Or did somebody misplace?

You misplaced it. I like your outfit. You look beautiful. Thank you honey. Oh yeah? You just going to go strut around town? Who is he? You banging a farmer? You don't have to be lonely at farmersonly.com. Colorado sends the coyotes packing with an impressive 7-1 victory. And look at the fucking Montreal Canadiens. The Montreal Canadiens up 3-2 over your number one seed in the east. Philadelphia Flyers. Dallas up 3-2. Islanders up 3-1. Looking to close out the caps today. Dallas looking to close out the fucking Canucks. And then over to the NBA. What do we got? Speaking of Philly losing, Jesus Christ, the Boston Celtics absolutely hammering the Philadelphia 76ers last night. The 128-101. Up 2 games to none. But I'll tell you a 7-game series could turn her out quick.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the 76ers got to get back into this series with a big victory in game number 3. Mavericks 127-114. Why the fuck are they playing the Clippers? Are they out in the west? I'll never, you know, Milwaukee Brewers to me are still in the American League. Why the Milwaukee Bucks playing the L.A. Clippers? Well, you know, at this time it really seemed like the franchise was looking to try something different, you know? That was really good. Oh, the Mavericks. I'm sorry. I'm thinking Milwaukee Bucks. I'm a dope. Sorry. Mavericks. I just saw an M. I really should get my fucking brain checked out. All right, Bucks are playing the Magic 6 p.m. today with the Greek freak running wild out there in Cream City. There's still the team to beat out in the east. I'd love to see the Milwaukee Bucks win a championship. Wouldn't that be great?

Portland Trailblazers. Who is that guy out there raining the fucking threes down on the Lakers? I don't watch a lot of NBA, but I do follow crime faces on Instagram. And the dude who runs that was going off on it. All right. Yeah. Just text me whatever you just said because you did such an exaggerated thing. I couldn't read your lips. I was looking at it with your teeth. All right. Anyway, so yeah, I did another spotless. I've got three spots this week. All right. After it going not fun Saturday night and then me figuring out how to play a parking lot. I was doing stand up in the woods last night and popped in, did a show in a field and I had a great fucking time. I actually had a great time. I was saying stupid shit. And as far as I know, I didn't get in trouble for it. So I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to say stand up his back. Yeah, I think it's back.

So I'm going to, I'm going to try to figure out, I'm going to start doing some shows probably out east. The northeast area is probably where I'm going to go because who's kidding? Who? I don't know. You know, I've tried to defend the red states and you guys are just, you just fucking blowing it. All right with you. Actually, but I live in California. We're also blowing it. So I don't know. I'm just fucking with you. I'm going to go there because it seems like that's the least amount of COVID because I don't want anybody to catch COVID going to the show or whatever. And you know what? Freckles needs to make a little bit of money. I'm not going to lie to you. Okay. You know, you might have seen me on, I love the 80s Strikes Back on VH1. Okay, but just because I'm on that doesn't mean I can't work for the rest of my life. Okay, I'm not, I'm not living like that. I got a mortgage too. All right, now it's got a fucking mosquito. Is that one of them genetically once? Do I let it bite me? Huh? Why don't they make genetically altered mosquitoes that don't have that fucking thing? Well, because they got to eat, right?

I don't know. Why are we fucking with nature? Here's a good one for you. Nature is perfect. If you don't fuck with it, it's perfect. Human beings are extremely flawed. You know, well, I guess animals are flawed too. You got the weak one and the litter. I have no idea. All I know is that we should not be going out here playing God. Genetically altered mosquitoes. Well, guess what improv? I won't be doing soon. Chuckle Hut will not be on my fucking. Why don't they make, so what do they have down there? Do these genetically altered ones? Do they have like mosquito aids or something like that? And then these guys, these fucking mosquitoes are going to go raw on them and then they're going to die? Is that what it is? I don't know, everybody. You know what? You got to love a fly though. Flies are great. They eat shit, you know what I mean? They land on you. They're just annoying. Flies are just annoying. You know, everybody has that one person in their group of friends that they just keep hanging around even though they're annoying. But a mosquito, you got to cut that out of your life. I will tell you what I am liking that I had been watching.

I didn't notice until Mike Milbury brought it up. He was talking about the flip pass as you're bringing it out of your zone. It's sort of like an over the shoulder pass with the puck and these guys have it down and I'm thinking like all of these years are doing the dump and chase. The flip pass seems to be thwarting the lock, the trap, whatever you want to call it. It's fucking amazing. You know, and all this shooter has to do is settle the puck down. I don't give a fuck. I'm just so happy I get to talk about sports. So anyways, I am out here in the middle of nowhere where I wouldn't mind living. I'll be honest with you. I've been out here since yesterday. We flew out here and you know what I do now because I'm so back into doing the helicopter shit is I would love to fly a helicopter out here. I'm out here and I can't say where I'm at, but I'm out here and it's what I just love when I was coming into land was all I could think of is if you had an engine failure, you have so many places that you could put it. You know, but the great equalizer out here is the weather. I'm not used to flying in weather.

But still, I would just look at the forecast and I just would fucking, you know, just fly on nice days. Then I could be over green grass, you know, as opposed to just flying over a city trying to find a street where there's not a bunch of people on it if you ever had a problem. So it's kind of cool and I don't know. I like this shit. I know there's a bunch of comedians leaving LA, but you know what? I'm toughen it out. I'm hanging in there. You know, I love LA. I don't give a fuck because I just don't get where where are you going to go? That's my thing. I understand leaving because you're getting the shit kicked out of you in taxes. I understand leaving because you don't fucking like the place, but like, I don't know. It just seems like everywhere you go, there's going to be a new set of problems.

You go to Florida, they got genetically altered mosquitoes. All right. You go, you go to Wyoming, you have people that were born in Wyoming. I mean, everywhere you go, there's going to be a problem. I'm kidding. Although I did go to my Wyoming. I went there one time to do a show and I did not have a good show. They were looking at me like I had fucking 12 heads. It's always bugged me. So I have to go back and I'm going to kill this fucking fly right now. No, not because I'm going to use my hand and everybody know, oh, I got him. I got him. You fucking dead motherfucker. I should start taking karate.

Although I didn't use chopsticks. I used my fucking. I used my hand. How fucking white was that movie? Jesus Christ. I can't, Asian people. Asian people who are in the martial arts world. How insulting was that movie to your fucking culture? That absolutely ridiculous fight stance, which I know a bunch of people have made fun of, but let's just get onto the whole fucking, you know, you wax some cars, wax on, wax off. And then all of a sudden you know how to block punches. Am I really to believe that there's white haired old Asian guys in Asia with chopsticks

trying to fucking catch mosquitoes and flies out of the fucking air? Jesus Christ. I would say what do you think was more offensive to the art of martial, the martial arts, the karate kid or Frank Sinatra's first white guy doing karate on an American cinema in the Manchurian candidate. You remember that where he had one hand doing the horizontal karate chop fucking thing and then he had his balled up fist right behind it like he was going to do Bruce Lee's one inch punch. I don't know. That stuff all fascinates me. The writers, like I was talking about the coming of age movies, it's always going to be in the writer's voice,

so the jock who's dating a beautiful cheerleader, he has to be a total dick, he treats her like shit and then the fucking nerd is actually really interesting. What do you think thinks more about their, about high school once they leave? A nerd because nothing that they wanted to have happened happened or the popular person. This is an interesting question or the popular person, like how I just deemed this an interesting question because I'm asking and I want to know the answer, or the popular person that fucking was fucking crushing ass, was killing it on the gridiron or whatever. I mean can you imagine being popular and good looking in fucking high school

and you go into this high school every day and every chick is available basically. It's like your nightclub. They all like you, they don't all like you, but your ego's telling you that. You got your pick of the fucking litter, they're not pressuring you to marry them. You don't have any fucking money, so what can you really buy them? It's perfect. It's fucking perfect. And then you go out in the real world and all your work, 12 grades of being this shit, all goes out the fucking window and you got to re-establish yourself. For the first time in your life, nobody knows who you are or gives a fuck. Then you got to go to the next level and you got to compete with all of those other popular kids.

It's like making your way up to sports ranks, rankings, right? I wonder who thinks that or you're the nerd. Actually, I was the cool person. I know how to make genetically altered mosquitoes. Why won't she touch my peepee? I don't know. By the way, how great is Halak playing for the Bruins? The man is getting the job done. Anyway, I got to do a little bit of advertising here. I'm out here in the middle of nowhere. I brought my entire family with me. We're having a great time as long as I stay out of everybody's way.

As long as I stay out of everybody's way, everyone will have a good time. Country-ass fucking internet. I can't get my fucking emails to load. Hang on a second. Jesus Christ. You try to type in your password and it just doesn't work. Here we go. We got a couple of two reads here. Oh, look who it is. Look who just walked in the door. Talk about crushing ass in high school. It's simply safe, everybody. Simply safe. Crushed ass in high school always wore a condom. Simply safe. Here's the thing about home security companies.

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There's nothing to lose. That's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E-B-U-R-R dot com. Or simply safe, wait, is it SimplySafeBurr.com? Yeah, it's SimplySafeBurr.com. By the way, you know why these fucking guys picked the Florida Keys? Because it's right at the outskirts of our country. You know what I mean? It hangs off into the fucking water. So they're going down there, and it's not like these genetically altered fucking mosquitoes

aren't gonna fucking make their way up, just like the killer bees did. Remember the killer bees? Killer bees came along, and what happened then? What the fuck happened then? They didn't kill anybody. I think that's what happened. That was sort of the Ishtar, the in-stack world. By the way, where the fuck do you house 750 million fucking genetically altered mosquitoes? You know? I wonder if they were talking to them. You know, as they stayed in this giant like basketball fucking arena at the perfect temperature.

They're all fucking in there. There's some mad scientist just walking around at the top of the fucking arena all glassed in. You're rather than the mosquitoes you're going to encounter. You're going out there. Remember, always smile at the regular mosquitoes. Romanticize them. I'm trying to think what the word is, seduce them. Fuck them.

Infect them with your genetically altered mosquito penis. Sorry. All right, legal zoom everybody. As an employer, you've got a lot on your plate, running your business, ensuring workplace safety, and much more. Yeah, you got a ton on your plate now, Jesus Christ. You know, you got some whiny frigging white chick working there. God knows what she's going to bitch about.

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That's Ziprecruiter.com. Spell it out, okay, Z-I-P-R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R. Dot com slash birds. Ziprecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Jesus Christ, what the fuck are we doing? First, we genetically altered their food. Now we're going with mosquitoes. What are they going to make next?

Next, a not ferocious lion. That's what they're going to do. They're going to start genetically altering exotic animals, basically wild animals. So they're going to be like dogs, which really were genetically altered, right? What did they do? They had to run to the litter of all the wolves. They just had, for centuries, the biggest fucking pussy in the wolf pack.

The one that nature didn't want to breed. You know, that's what they made. Human beings are fucking, we are like amazing and out of our fucking minds. How the fuck do you make, do you take a wolf and pick the wolf that the thing's going to fuck and then somehow in the end you end up with one of those lopsaopsis, whatever the fuck you call them, lopsaopsis, you know? And then we have all these different fucking, we breed all these dogs, long snouts so they can get in there and get that fox out of the fucking hole and all of that shit.

And now that everybody goes to the grocery store to hunt now, now they're just coming up with ones that just make women go, aww, you know? Like cock-a-poodle or whatever the fuck they have, what the fuck do they have? A labr-doodle. Like those things exist for no reason other than to just be cute. To make people go, oh my god, I'll spend some money on that. So there was like scientists just making dogs fuck, you know?

Like that weird manager that managed that fucking group, wow, wow, wow, oh my god. He was trying to get caught. He was encouraging the band members to all bang each other, isn't that what happened? How weird is that? And they were named after the noise that dogs don't really make but we say they do. I think that's called the full circle of life there. So they sit there and they just fucking like, what do they do? They make sure the dog doesn't jerk off.

They get them all horny and then they bring in, they have fucking their dogs. How many fucking that? Well, that's your only option. Dogs are like, ah, Jesus Christ. Gets over there and just bangs it and then they see what it has. Not quite cute enough. They got to sit there and look at other dogs. How the fuck did they do?

The scientists, I don't know. The worst thing about scientists is the fact that they've now been brought into the corporate fold. And how all the corporations care about is the bottom line and making money and all of that shit. So then they take these people's talents and they put them towards evil shit. Oh geez, Bill, you're going deep now. I mean, you just said a lot of deep, crazy shit but you have not given us one example. All right, fair enough. Fair enough.

Why can't I say scary things on the internet? That's what everybody else is doing, aren't they? Genetically altered fucking mosquitoes. You know, you know what's funny is they're not trying to save human beings because they give a fuck about human beings. All right, they need you to be alive. Okay, so you can get into debt that you can't quite get out of your entire life. These people can continue. I don't understand why they don't just kill all of us, you know, except for some people that know how to build shit.

You know, why don't they just wipe everybody out except for some top chefs, construction people, scientists to keep you alive. I mean, how many people would you need? That's a good movie right there, right? The top 10,000. Now, how many people do you think you to know everything that we know? I mean, and I'm saying it's all written down and you have access to it with computers and all that. Okay, so you got to keep, you got to keep some geek squad people for when your fucking laptop goes on. I don't think you need them.

Well, yeah, you do. No, you don't. This way you got to take some people from fucking that round building there near Stanford where all those fucking nameless people create come up with these amazing inventions that dead Steve Jobs still keeps taking credit for from beyond the grave. What if he was fucking genetically altered? There was something going on with that guy where he wore the same anybody wears the same fucking clothes every day is either a douche or a genetically altered. You know, I mean, stop trying to align yourself with fucking Einstein. All right, he figured it out. You know, and now you're trying to do the same thing.

I just have so much stuff to think about today. I can't take time to pick out this t-shirt or that t-shirt. Nobody's that fucking busy. You know, I mean, Einstein, he did it back in the day when people sewed together their own fucking clothes. No, but there was there weren't nice clothes back then. Actually, wait a minute, that Chanel chick was around. Wasn't she when it was sympathetic to the Nazis? How come she doesn't get canceled?

You fucking assholes. You're trying to change the name of air. I know why because she's got a vagina. Fucking stupid cunts. All right. I am so happy to be back doing fucking stand up comedy. And that's it. That is, that is, that is all she wrote, you know, um, sports are back.

It doesn't take a lot to keep me going, you know, little breakfast sandwich here or there. I'm going to go hang out with my family. Uh, that's it. That is the podcast. Enjoy the music picked out by the wonderful Andrew Themolus. And then we're going to have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. This episode will be from a couple of years ago.

It'll eat up another friggin hour of your half hour of your time. And there you go. Then you only got 23 more hours to kill if you're doing blow. All right. The rest of you, I don't know what to tell you. All right. Other than, uh, have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll see you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on? It's bill burn. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 20th, 2012. How's it going? Oh, I can't fucking hear myself. I don't know what the fuck happened to my, uh, my other, my regular, my regular headphones, which suck, by the way, because they flake all over my ears. What does that mean, Bill?

I don't know. Little pieces of plastic, you know, like they don't have the space age technology. Whenever somebody uses that expression, you know, they have no idea what they're talking. This is just coming from the gut. You'd like, they don't have the fucking space age technology to make a set of headphones that, that'll just last forever. You know, can't do that, can you? Well, if we make it last forever, they're never going to come back and buy another one.

Then what are we going to do? I don't know. Go plant some beets, you fucking cunt. Do you feel how fucking hot the sun is lately? Have you felt it? You know, do you remember it ever being as fucking hot as it is now? Literally, God has a magnifying glass right up on the crown of your head. Granted, part of it could be because my hair's thinning out.

But I choose not to address that this week. You know, it's a goddamn hole in the ozone layer. Can you make fucking headphones last a little bit longer? You know, so now what? I'm supposed to throw out these other ones, these flaky ones that I can't even fucking find. Right? I love how you put it in a trash. Put it in the fucking trash, like it's still not going to end up outside somewhere.

It is outside, we just have it over here in this contained area. You know what, I'm not going to be able to tell whether any of this is funny because I can't hear myself. I'm like a singer right now, you know? Turn up the monitors. Oops, I did it again. I shaped my pussy. Yeah, so I got to go out and go buy another. Another fucking pair of headphones.

I'm one of those crabby old fucking people who I, when I buy something, I use it until it's fucking, it becomes literally a different matter. You know what I mean? It starts dissolving into a powder. Is that a different matter? All you eggheads out there? Well, technically a powder is still a solid. It's just in a more graduated form. Thank you, never fucking got your dick sucked.

Why don't you go back with your lab coat and have a nice fucking hand job with yourself and pipe in again later when I say something stupid. I'm a little wound up this morning. I'm excited. An older wiser Bill Burr, wiser than he was last week. I'm finally back. I'm back here in Los Angeles, you know, which is always, you know, kind of a creepy place to come back to once you've been on the East Coast. And you're sitting there looking at all the green trees and all the ponds and all the lush land back there. And I fly across the fucking country as I always say, watching the country slowly die, right?

Slowly getting fucking, you know, geographical chemotherapy. This used to be a big bandana tied right over fucking Arizona in Southern California. Oh, that's good. Bill, a little cancer joke in there with your fucking musings about our topography. Oh, topography. But I got to admit, I'm actually excited to be on this side of the country. I think I have a better chance of surviving whatever the fuck is going to happen to this planet, believe it or not, in this overpopulated city that technically has no water supply. I have a better fucking chance.

Why you ask? I'll tell you why. Because I read a fucking article. I didn't read it. Who's kidding who? I glazed over it and it was so fucking depressing. It scared the fucking shit out of me. But as far as I can tell, New York City is going to look like Venice in about three years.

That's what I'm guessing. You know, it's going underwater. That's what I think. So if you're on the third floor or lower, you might want to consider selling your apartment now. They're just doing all this shit talking about how the glaciers are melting at a much quicker rate than scientists first feared. Look at this picture from July. Now look at this one. I have no idea if the pictures are even fucking real.

These pictures that show red and white. White obviously being the glacier. Red being now the sunburned shoulders of a redhead or some shit. So it's basically scaring the shit out of me. And then I actually found comfort in something. They were saying that scientists now that so much shit is melted in Antarctica. They're actually saying that this is even being recorded. I can't even fucking hear myself.

What's the solution, Bill? Should you turn it up a little bit? Maybe a little bit halfway through it? Why not? Now look at it. Now it just went through the fucking roof and I still can't hear myself. Anyways, scientists or the writer who wrote the article, maybe they just made it up. I have no fucking idea.

They basically said that they discovered that back in the day Antarctica was Antarctica, Bill. Antarctica. Antarctica. Who gives a fuck? God damn place with all those fucking penguins. They're pushing their fucking eggs up. Who fucking went and saw that march of the penguins? Why don't you just call it, I want to cry for the final half hour.

That's what every nature show is. Let's show you how fucking cute they are. And now we're going to show you what we're doing to them. And now you sit there with this hopeless, sad fucking feeling. Right? And then what? If you'd like to donate, give the fucking save the penguins feet, right? Dot com.

And then what do you do? You go over to your checkbook, you know, and you pull out another check and you write it out and then you grab a fucking envelope and you grab a stamp. You do all that bullshit or you print out a stamp if you're using stamps.com. Oh, what a whore. Right? And you mail it off thinking you did a good thing. But what did you do? You just used a whole bunch of paper.

Yeah, you know, right, but you do that enough people do that, they got to cut down another tree, right? Next thing you know, that little fucking penguins got nothing to sit underneath. You know, when he jacks this little fucking penguin dick to make another egg. Is that how it works? Aren't they like asexual? Don't they fucking jack off with their little flipper into the other flipper and then do like a pap smear fucking, sort of a George Gervin. Lay up to their own fucking crotch area. George Gervin the Iceman.

That actually made sense. Penguins. Ice. Right? Go fuck yourselves. Anyways, so this part isn't made up. They actually said that the fucking Antarctica, that the fucking Antarctica, okay? For you people who are scientists out there.

Jesus, Bill, just say what they said. Just say what the guy said that they said that you now believe. He said, uh, Jesus, I guess stop talking to our cell phone. That Antarctica is people punching their dashboard right now. Spit it out. Antarctica used to be a tropical forest. All right. I know a lot of rednecks went, oh, where you fucking go?

Shit, you know. Now I don't feel bad about driving my fucking Ford High Boy into the fucking swamps running over a vapor. Well, I think their tails are so flat. They used to be around to me, my truck went in that creek. Anyway, ain't nothing I like than driving over some hairy little fucker. I love it. Raccoons.

There's just something about them. Raccoons, possums, all of them. They just got this look on their face that just says, shoot me. You know? I'm just going with my instincts. I'm out in nature and I'm just going with it. I'm saying these little fuckers. They're staring at me.

I got my headlights on them. They just keep fucking looking at you. Don't get shot. Stop fucking looking at me. That's how I look at it. Um, this is what I believe with that information that that guy said that the other guy said that know what they're talking about. So I think that the global war.

I can't believe I'm actually trying to attempt to discuss this subject. I think global warming is actually natural, but we are hastening it. We're just making it way fucking quicker. We have it on fast forward. You know, like you fast forward through commercials. That's what we're doing. And we're doing that towards our, uh, our own fucking demise, which I think is going to be tremendous, you know, and then we'll die.

And then maybe all the shit that, you know, when they put a microscope up to your skin, all that little shit there that's crawling all over you, maybe, maybe that's the next thing that's going to build a skyscraper. Name it after themselves. And people write a whole fucking nice version of their life because they're afraid that there actually is some old man in the sky that's going to fucking judge him when they die. You know, if you could write your own little thing, your own little ditty about your life.

How would you sum yourself up? I love people that kind of know they were a douche. You know, although he didn't always right there, you know, like, okay, I know I'm kind of going to hell in a way. Um, speaking of which, I started reading this book, Sins of the Father. It's a book I wanted to read for a long time. It was about Joe Kennedy. And I figured what better time to start reading that book while I was taking an ultra white

vacation on the island of Nantucket, considering you get on the high speed ferry, run over a couple of seals, um, right out of Hyannisport, home of the Kennedy compound. You know, and for so long, what did they say? They call it Camelot. They're the first fucking royally family and all that bullshit. Right. But I always heard, you know, that what's his face? Joe Kennedy was, you know, goddamn rum runner.

You know, he made all this money inside of trading and all this fucking bullshit. Right. So I want to, I want to read about, I want to see, I want to hear the other side. Now that I've read the fluff about all the sacrifices he made for this country and all his kids die in, you know, in war and in public servants getting assassinated and fucking going skiing while trying to play football. Right. I was like, I got to check this shit out.

And I read it, you know, I got the book. I thought it was going to be a great book. That book is, it's like a fucking, I feel like some soccer mom reading some juicy like summer novel. I'm digging my toes in the sand with my knees up to my chest as I read it. It's just such a one sided and it's so, so much fucking hearsay. You know, did he, did he do this for this reason? Or maybe he did it because he was a cunt.

First of all, the guy made a fuckload of money. All right, let's get down to brass tacks. The guy is one of the weirdest looking human beings I've ever seen in my life. I used to think all the Kennedys had that same look about them because they sort of did a Rothschild thing where they kind of, they kind of fucked real close to the farm, so to speak. So they kind of had that and your, here comes my big fucking head over here. Right.

He's a fucking weird looking dude. I will definitely give you that. But when he did his insider trading, it wasn't illegal. You know, the guy actually says in the book that it wasn't illegal. So he didn't do anything wrong. You know, it was looked down upon. It was considered a shady thing to do. But the guy goes, and then he has some sort of quote of Joe Kennedy.

Go, come on, let's do this quick before they make a law against it. It's like, where did you get that fucking quote from? I don't know. So all I do is I'm just skipping around the book. I want to see how he reacted when Jack got whacked. I wanted to see what happened to their kid that, you know, they said was mentally challenged, but maybe wasn't was just a pain in the ass and they gave her a fucking lobotomy. It's really just a sad fucking read.

I just jumped around it and now I'm going to use it as a fucking paperweight. And I can't tell you how long I wanted to read that book. I know what you're thinking right now, but where the fuck are you going with this? I don't know. I don't know where I'm going. I can't fucking hear myself. All right. For those of you who didn't listen to my podcast last week,

I have a new stand-up special called You People Are All The Same. And it's airing exclusively. It's streaming, whatever you could say, on Netflix. And I know what you're thinking. Is it only on Netflix in America or the United States? No, sir. Ma'am, transgendered person. It's hermaphrodites.

It's also on Canada Netflix. It's also on Ireland Netflix and Great Britain Netflix, which I'm really excited about because I think I have a very user-friendly special. Got a little choked up there. I think people are going to like it. What do you think about that? I'm actually, I'm feeling good. You guys wrote so many nice things to me on Twitter, which is a rarity

to just get a whole nice sea of niceness. And I know a couple of cunts right now just for the fuck of it. I'm going to write a bad one, but I know what you're up to. So people asked me, they said, hey, how can I, regular guy, regular old gal, just salt to the earth person, how can I get a hard copy version of that hour of filth that you just put out on Netflix? This is the deal. The hard copy version, the digital version, whatever the fuck you want to download it to,

your iPod, your fucking iPad. Well, I don't know. Whatever you people use, I don't fucking know anymore. Okay. However you want to, you want to go fucking old school. I'll put it out on VHS. You keep running your yaps. No, I'm not doing that.

I'll put it out on DVD and all that stuff and you will be able to get it at my website and my website only, buildbird.com. That's it. We got a whole page set up, but I just, you know, it will be coming out in September. It's going to let it marinate for good six weeks, let people go, oh, I like it. Where could I fucking buy it? Right? And then bam, it's going to be available.

And the wonderful thing about this is I'm eliminating the middleman. And that way it can be fucking cheaper. You know, I'm basically, I'm doing what Radiohead did 10 years ago. I'm doing what Prince did. I'm going to do that thing, you know, and now it's gone into the whole fucking comedy world with Louis CK, Aziz and all those guys. And I, being the hack that I am, I'm following right in line. Okay.

Seems to be working for everybody else. Why not me? So there you go. That's how you're going to be able to get it. You're just going to go to my website. And as that day approaches, when you can do it, I will let you know. And I don't know what the prices are going to be. Seems like it's going to be $5.

I want to be, I want to have it be $5 in one cent. Just to fucking piss people off. You know, sacrifice some sales just for people with this guy. I think he's one cent better than everybody else. So that's, that's the answer to your questions. People have been asking me. All right. And that is it.

Back to the podcast. If this podcast is even being recorded, God knows I can't fucking hear myself. Speaking of stamps.com everybody. Come on. Don't do this to me. Oh, I hate this computer. I fucking, what is the problem? What is the fucking problem?

I did it right. Oh, what? Now you're going to freeze up on me. You're going to freeze up on when I need you most, right? Right in the middle of the podcast. So now what do I have to do? I have to force fucking quit. I don't like force quit.

That's a little too rapey. Isn't it? In a computer sense. Force quit. There you go. I'm forcing you to quit. Yeah. Like an overbearing father.

Hey, you know what? One thing that I noticed about myself, besides, you know, the obvious that I'm an extreme douchebag is when I was down in Nantucket, I really had to work on not hating rich people just because they were rich. You know, let me get this stupid commercial out of the way here. Real quick. Not a stupid commercial. A very important information.

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if it was legal currency. Then just hand your mail to the mailman and you're done. When I say you'll never have to go to the post office again, I really mean it. I use Stamps.com. That's how I send out all my DVDs to all my shows. I love it. They give you a little scale. You feel like you're in business.

You feel successful, you know? All that gives you the scale, I think they should give you a little hat. So right now, use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R, for this special offer. No risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes the digital scale and up to $55 in free postage. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com.

Enter B-U-R-R. I endorse it. I approve of this message. So anyways, I'm down in Nantucket and with all family, friends, extended family and all that type of stuff. Nieces, nephews, the whole nine yards. Drinking again. Oh baby, I'm drinking again. I'm down there boozing it up.

Drinking some of that Cisco Brewery Whale Tail Pale Ale, whatever they got down there. I got my little Nantucket red fucking. I'm friends with the banker shorts on. I'm living the dream. All right, and I'm just sitting there walking around and I'm looking at all these rich fucking people. And I just find myself, I fucking, the level with which I was judging them, which of course, no one would give a shit. You know what I mean? If I was judging, you know, a, a, a, a, a, a, what the fuck am I doing here?

If I was judging like, you know, some poor group of people like that, I would be considered the biggest douche ever. All right, you don't know these poor people. Why are you judging them that way, right? But you, why am I stuttering? You fucking judge rich people that way. Everybody laughs. They all think it's funny. You know, I had to work the whole week.

It's like, why do I hate that guy? How do I know he didn't get his money legitimately? Why am I immediately assuming that this guy was a complete piece of fucking shit? You know, you know what it is? I don't like how rich people carry themselves. People born into wealth. They just have this like that time when I was in DC and that little fucking six year old kid got up, went, walked right up to the bar, got climbed up on the stool and started calling out to this adult behind the bar.

Sir, sir, excuse me, sir, like the, I can, I'll never be able to do the proper read of that the way this kid said it. There was such a comfort in, in, in summonsing this person over to come and talk to him, to do whatever the fuck he needed him to do at six years old. It fucking annoys the shit. I mean, I was just looking at these fucking rich people. They have the creepiest looking goddamn kids you ever seen in your life. Just creepy little fucking future banker CEO looking kids, you know, little blonde hair. They already got those, those chubby fucking, you know, all kids have chubby cheeks,

but just the way they look, that waspy pedigree, right? Which is another thing I can get away with. You know what I mean? The waspy pedigree, everybody will laugh because no one gives a fuck about that. You can trash waspy people up and down. I can't be out with this, this, this Jewish kind of blah, blah, blah. That's it. I got a fucking apology.

Waspy totally gets a fucking open lane. So anyways, waspy fucking look about them, right? With their fucking, you know, all, they look like little Winston Churchill's. Like they still talk like little kids, but they should be walking around like, I never surrender. They just, they just look like they're going to fucking get, they're going to get some great fucking job and they, and they're going to steal from the company.

And when they get caught, they're not going to get fucking prosecuted. Just like these goddamn bankers. Just like all these rich cunts, they're just not going to, because they're going to have connections and he's going to know shit about people or whatever. And they just, they just hook each other up the same way at the level that I grew up, you didn't rat out your friends. They're doing the same thing at their level except what they can do affects the entire population, as opposed to the level that I came up with where, you know,

maybe somebody's car that used to be there isn't there anymore. You know, that's insurance fraud. I guess that hopes that hurts the group after a while. Doesn't it? I don't know. So that was basically what I had to work at, you know, and they had this place down the street called the summer house. I was staying out in Skånset and it's absolutely fucking beautiful.

And I just couldn't get myself to go in there. I wanted to go in there. I wanted to sit down and have a fucking drink. But every time I saw another person going in with their fucking boat shoes without any socks on, like I felt like there's this hatred coming up in me. And I justified it for like two, three days. And I was just like, what the fuck is wrong with me? You know, I bet, you know, those people that they're probably just like me or the people I hang out with in that,

as I always say, most of them are douchebags, but there's going to be like four or five people in there that are going to be really interesting. I tell you the time I flew on the plane, right? I sat next to that guy who made a ton of fucking money starting his own credit card. And then he parlayed that money into buying cell phone towers. The guy was fucking hilarious. He had it, lost it, had it all again, lost it. And then now he was on top again.

He had this, hey, what the fuck are you going to do, vibe? Self-made man. So I'm sitting there going, they're not all like that, but they all had that same fuck eye there for their fucking feet. I can't stand them. I really got issues. Because here I am. I'm down there on vacation and two acting like, oh, oh, but I'm the down to earth douchebag with my salmon colored shorts on. Fucking hypocrite.

I don't know. So anyways, I ended up going out fishing with my family. We had a great time. Didn't catch shit. Just caught bluefish. Didn't even catch a striper. Didn't catch anything, but you know, it was still cool and we didn't take more than that. Then we were going to eat.

So I didn't feel too bad about that. But I think I kind of got talked into doing something really stupid. The guy who had the boat actually had a fucking shark cage and he's like, you know, it's totally safe. We take you about 15 miles out. We chum the water and you get in this fucking cage and you know what? After all these years of doing bits about how fucking stupid it is to swim in the ocean and all that type of shit, I'm going to do it. Next year I'm going to do it. I almost said it costs an arm and a leg.

There's your fucking pun right there. You're awful joke. But it does. It's really expensive, but I want to see a fucking shark. You know, and I got that white thing in me where I, that white person thing where I want to see the shark being a shark. You know, the same way I don't want to see a bear just walking through the forest. I want to throw something at it so it gets up on its hind legs and starts doing that shit like it's about ready to step into the squid circle. Right.

I think that that is uniquely a white thing. That we, we just, we just want to see an animal looking like it's going to kill us or we don't feel like we got the full experience. Not, okay. Now can I not only not hear myself, it's getting hot as fucking here and I don't even know why. Well, Bill, probably because you know the windows open. Anyways, what else do I have here? What else do I have here on the docket of shit that I want to talk about? Oh, as you can tell, I read Rolling Stone.

Here's another article I saw. By the way, they have Rick Ross on the, on the cover. I don't know much about the guy other than he's the most confident fat person I've ever seen in my life. For half a second, I thought it was little Wayne and he just went to like Wendy's for 20 days in a row. How much does the tattoo artist not want to tattoo the underneath part of fucking Rick Ross's mantits? You know, because at some point you're sitting there with your surgical gloves and you got to hold it up and actually feel the fucking weight of it as you're fucking. I wonder if he giggles. I actually, I started to read that article, but I cannot read, I can't read articles.

About rappers at that fuck who come with that vibe of look of all, look at all the shit that I have. It's the most, you feel like you're reading like a fucking, I don't know what, Jordan Marsh catalog. That's all the arms. He said something. He was standing on Jewish marble. Is there a such thing as Jewish marble? I have no fucking ideas. It's somehow like, I almost said kosher like some fucking bushbelt joke.

At one point he goes out to a fucking steakhouse. They list everything that he orders and how much it costs. It's unreal. If you, honestly, if you have problems sleeping, read that and I'm not trash in the writer. I just, I'm on a fucking plane. I'm trying to kill time and I couldn't get through the fucking article. Oh, do you smoke weed the whole time? Do you have 50,000 fucking cars?

I got it. You know what they call that Nantucket? They call that new money. I never used to know what that expression is. He's new money. You know what old money does? Old money acts like they don't have money. You know what I mean?

They walk around in salmon fucking colored pants. They call up their financial advisor and then they manipulate the market and they make more fucking money. And then all of a sudden they, the prohibition comes along and they got to hook up for scotch. So what do they do? They fucking do it. I really don't have a problem. You know something? I didn't get into how he, I don't know, who the fuck knows if anything that they're saying about Joe Kennedy is the truth.

I want it to be the truth, you know, because it makes you feel better about yourself. That's what it is. That's why you look at rich people like that. You have to look at them like they did something fucking crooked because if you don't, it makes you feel like a loser. His fucking yacht is bigger than all the houses on my block. You know? Now if you give him the benefit of the doubt, then you just have to stand there and just take that shit. Or you can just say he's a crooked son of a bitch.

He's going to hell. God loves me best. Right? And you can walk around with your fucking nose in the air like you're better. Huh? With your slightly cheaper salmon colored fucking pants. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. So anyways, so I'm not not reading that whole fucking Rick Ross thing.

You know, I don't know. I'm sure he's got good music. I don't give a fuck. Okay. How many different ways can you say I have more shit than you do? You know, like he was bragging about eating lobster bisque for breakfast. That's what that's what new money does. New money gets like fucking DVD, those DVD players in the headrest when you're driving

like a two-seater. Remember that shit? I got those. That's for the people behind me. That's how much money I have. I can actually waste it rather than taking that money and adding to my portfolio and truly getting out of my fucked up neighborhood. I'm going to do that instead.

That's what new money does straight across the board. Straight across the board. You get a redneck a bunch of money. You know, what's he going to do? Huh? Is he going to buy some gold? Is he going to, you know, try to invest it? Is he going to start a business?

No. He's going to put another three inches on that truck. He's going to get some big fucking mutters and he's going to fucking drive down the fucking street. He's going to make his fucking engine waterproof. Have that goddamn chimney coming up the side of it so you can go into the swamp and right back. I never have to fucking stop.

That's my apocalyptic fucking truck out there. Any shit happens. I'll drive over everybody. I'll just keep going till I get up north pole, make myself fucking snow cone. That's what new money does. Right? Is that what they do? I don't know what they do.

You know what I do with my money? I just sit and stare at it. I don't know what to do with it. The money that I have, I don't know. I have no fucking idea what to do with it because you know what, wherever you invest it, this is the funny thing about investing your money. All of it involves you taking your money and giving it to somebody else and going, all right, call you in a month.

It's the dumbest shit I ever did, you know, in the fucking stock market. That's like getting in the mop. Once you're in, you can't get out. Oh, you can get out, you know, but it's going to cost you. You got to cut your fucking dick off. Get your fucking shit back out again. All right, I think it's time for some more advertising. This is great.

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Okay. So good luck. I want to see who the first Monday morning podcast listener is who's going to use legal zoom because they advertised here and now you're out of your cubicle. And that'd be a great, that would be a great segment, you know, people talking about how they got inspired by this filthy podcast and they somehow got themselves out of that fucking cubicle. Anyway, so I know I'm drinking water here.

All right. What else can I talk about here? 34 fucking minutes in. You guys watching any preseason football? Why not? What are you watching baseball and the six teams that are competitive? Oh, speaking of which, I was back in Boston and I try really hard to listen to that sports talk radio.

It's just fucking, it's impossible. Who listens to that? I actually feel bad for the on air personalities that they have to sit there for four fucking hours. Like, like those legitimate sports talk radio guys, not the smart ones who go, all right, it's a sports talk radio show, but we're going to talk, we're going to bitch about our wives. We're going to fucking talk about how we went golfing and we gambled and so on. So sucked and I want all that guy shit and smoke cigars.

And then if something interesting is going on in sports, we'll bring it up. Right. Like Roger Clemens gets acquitted, you know, by the way, just because he got acquitted, he got acquitted of lying under oath, which is one of the most difficult things to prove. Okay. So, but if you think that that guy didn't take a fucking something and stick it, you know where, man, all of a sudden he's winning those shiny things. You're out of your fucking mind.

See how he did that so I couldn't get sued. That's just my opinion. All right. I actually have a number of people that I'm watching as a sports fan. You know, I'm telling you, what's his face? Melchie Cabrera. I almost called Paul Verzi and gave him shit like, ah, he should have got rid of this guy. All of a sudden he's coming on.

That is the telltale fucking sign. I think now of, of, of PEDs. It's, it's one, it's one of the, it's basically as simple as this because you don't get fucking gigantic anymore. I think they got it down with that little cream that will solve. They have like steroid lip balm. You know, you just put it on your bottom lip and you go, mmm. And next thing you know, next thing you know, you're fucking running over people.

You turn in the corner and you're hitting home runs. Right. Just pay attention to people who were okay. And then they started to taper off and all of a sudden they're fucking great. I'm telling you that never happened when I was a kid. Once you started tapering off, you were, you were fucking done. I don't know. Maybe I'm sure there's always a couple of examples.

Oh, by the way, one little fucking editor note. Last week when I brought up the, um, the Spurs and the Houston Rockets, I talked so fast. It sounded like I was saying that those were pile on teams. I wasn't saying that. So mine, I wasn't saying that. I realized that, you know, you know, that what's his face Elijah on the draft. And I obviously realized, I certainly realized that Tim Duncan was from their system because the Celtics were in the lottery that year.

And Tim Duncan would have been, you know, he would have been great anyway, but he was such a perfect Celtic, you know, fun about basketball, boring as hell, kissing the ball off the glass. Jesus Christ. Tommy Heisen, um, and David Robinson. I realized that those were you guys. So I was trying to say that those teams I respect, they weren't pile on teams, but, uh, you know, the NBA is, uh, it's over.

It's over. A bunch of little dream teams. Um, what the fuck was it? Okay. So I actually, I'm, and I'm not going to say the person's name, but it is a running back in the NFL. And his last name is the name of a beer. And it also talks about maybe a lady's muff.

Um, there you go. There's just somebody who I saw was, you know, was the man in college was not the man in NFL. And all of a sudden last year I'm watching him. He's fucking running over people. Really? You learned how to run over people four years into it. I'm not buying it.

I'm not buying it. And the last hint is he plays on the Seattle Seahawks. That's just a misdirection. Um, you'd have to be a two year old and not figure it out. Um, all right. That's the deal. I want to start taking fucking roids. They're making them for us now.

I'm, I got a whole new bin on it too. So I can't burn too much of this, but it's about that synogenics. Those fucking old roided up those guys. They're on, they're on. It's human growth hormone that those guys are on. You know, they show them all sad with their mantics tits tics, mantits on their stomach and then the stomach hanging on their fucking giant old man ball bag. And then all of a sudden, like a month later, they did look like an Adonis.

You know, the ball bag looks like a fucking speed bag. Again, they're ready to bang their wife is over in the corner. Right. Just fucking squatting on a tub of fucking at a Ben gay cause he just tore it up like it was 1926 again. I want to know why those fucking people aren't going to get brought before a grand jury for cheating. You're going to bring Clemens out there.

Clemens in his big old butt. Right. You're going to bring him out there and question. The 87 Cy Young Awards. He won past the age of 50. What about these fucking old guys? All of a sudden, their old fucking heads and their young bodies going to go down to the goddamn, uh, fucking, uh, whatever, the clam shack, right?

And just start banging out fucking 20 year olds. There's got to be a price that you're going to pay for that. Is God going to allow that? There can't be a God. How is God allowing that? That goes against all the laws of nature. There's going to be fucking 80 year old guys with knocked up 25 year olds. Yeah, my girlfriend pregnant, right?

They're going to be sitting there with their fucking dentures and they're righted up bodies trying to talk these girls into getting abortions. You know, that I'm telling you, that's what's going to happen to this fucking generation. All these guys, these guys who invented the fucking, uh, YouTubes, the My Spaces, the Facebooks, all of them, by the time, you know, once they figure this shit out, by the time they get in their 80s, they're all going to be fucking righted up. They're going to be fucking knocking up fucking 22 year olds and then they're going to have them like they'll somehow have them, have to have them whacked.

Can you imagine that? Would you, would you guys, uh, I don't know. Would you do it? Cause they're going to figure it out. Look, I'm 44. I figure by the time I got to start doing roids, I figure right around 65. So that's another 21 years. If you go back 21 years, what is it?

2012, 21 years. That's 1991. That doesn't seem that long ago to me. Oh shit, I'm fucked. You know what? The next guys, you guys, you guys in your 20s, by the time you guys get to, you know, because if you go back another 20 years, that'd be 1971. And when you took roids back then, like literally your balls, they turned to dust.

You had like sea cup titties and, uh, you know, you turned into a fucking werewolf. Women did. Women turned into a werewolf and guys became like these fucking psychos. Like women had like those Merlin Olsen beards. And then guys just became these adonises who look like, you know, had like, they had no balls anymore. And they had tits. They look like if, uh, who's that guy in the fucking Chicago Bears? Like if Mike Ditka became like a transgendered person, that's what you ended up fucking looking like.

And now, you know, you can't even tell. Look at Melky Cabrera. That guy didn't look like he was on anything. So I figured by the time the people in their twenties, you guys get there, it's going to be fucking over. Like how good you guys are going to look. It's going to be another 60 years of them practicing facelifts. All right. They'll probably cure baldness.

They're not even going to know how you're probably going to get carted at fucking 68. And that's going to be like the new thing with like chicks, like the new lie guys are going to tell. They're going to tell chicks that they're, I'm legitimately 28 years old. And then one day you're going to forget to dye your pubes. And she's going to see a couple of fucking silver ones down there or even worse, white ones. When she's down there grabbing your fucking prohibition era fucking dick. She's going to flip the fuck out. Calling up crime.

Andy, what's wrong? I found out he's 80. Well, that's okay. He still has another 70 years left. Right. I remember reading one time, this guy that said, these other guys said that these scientists said that the fucking that the body is actually the body. My boss, an accent coming back B A W D Y body is designed to live 150 years. You know, that's how that's how difficult life is.

They had to have it designed to live that long because the way nature beat the shit out of you when you lived in a cave, you could only get fucking 30 years out of it. You know, oh, by the fucking way, not by the way, people, this is by the fucking way, which you know that I'm about ready to tell you some shit that I believe in baby. I'm at Logan airport. Edward Lawrence Logan airport. I finally learned that but Logan airport is as named after Eddie Lawrence Logan. It was some sort of fucking military person who fought in the Spanish American war and that they used to have a statue of him before they had to make the airport even bigger because people out fucked it. You know, so I go there. So I go there.

Okay. And I go through security and they got the giant fucking microwave. They want me to stand in with my leg spread doing the Jay Z symbol. Right. Well, the Sammy Hagar from the 51 50 tour, depending on what generation you are, depending what side of the track you're from. All right. This podcast is for everybody. I'm sure someone in the village people did it there.

You see that reached out to the gay community swell guy. Pat myself on the back here. So anyways, I say I'm not fucking. You know, I'm opting out. All right, sir. Can you go stand over there? I don't even like standing over there. I used to work in a fucking dental office when I would take an x-ray somebody's tooth.

One little fucking thing. And we put that camera right up to the side of their jaw. We put a lead vest over all their vitals right down to their dick or who ha and then I left the fucking room stood behind a wall. That had lead in it and I pressed the fucking button. Now I'm supposed to stand there. You know, like I'm just going into prison. They do everything, but you have your bend over and spread your fucking ass cheeks. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing it.

And I know what people are saying. Well, Bill, you talk on his cell phone, right? That's fucking radiation. You're flying an airplane, right? That's fucking radiation. I understand that I am getting radiated throughout the course of the day and the way I live my life. I understand that. Okay, but I don't need to get extra radiated.

So if there's a way to opt out, believe me, if there was a way to opt out of flying on a fucking airplane, a viable way. Aside from just saying, fuck this business, I'm going to buy an old bus and just drive around and that'll be my miserable life. I would do it. But the fact that I can just stand there for an extra five, 10, 15 fucking minutes, you know, and rather than stand in that microwave, I could just go over and just have some, you know, sort of cute male person pat down my ass with the back of his hands. Do you have any sensitive areas? I would much rather do that. Okay, and then, you know, people have given me shit about it saying it's stupid.

It's fucking pointless and blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, so anyway, anyways, I'm at Eddie Lawrence Logan Airport, Edward Lawrence, and I'm standing there. I'm waiting, you know, and whenever you want to get fucking padded down, they wait for fucking ever. They make it take extra long. I'm convinced that they do it just so you just say, fuck it, I'm going to go into the toaster. All right, but I don't give a shit. I always get to the airport early because I know the game that they're running over there. Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody.

How are you? Come over here, talking to the microphone. How you been? We couldn't hear you last week. Oh, I've been great. Thanks for asking. Great to be back. Are you reading from a script?

No, who just woke up? I am great. Thank you for asking. Yeah. Real Nia, who is this sexy robot that was replaced? Listen to this shit. I'm telling this story about, you know, I always opt out of doing the Jay-Z thing where they radiate everything, but you fucking taint at the airport. Jay-Z?

Yeah, you know, you fucking, you have your hands like the hover sign. Isn't that what it is? Yeah. So I'm standing there waiting, right? And I'm staring down some bald headed douche who knows. First of all, they always have some chick there and she just goes, you know, what are they, what do they say? Oh, what is what they say? Male pat down or whatever they say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Male support. Uh-huh. Isle five, whatever the fuck they say. And it's typical chick voice where it can only carry. What is that? You guys aren't good at yelling. Yes, we are.

Like no one hears it. No one hears it. All right, go ahead. You know, I got the microphone away. Yell, male support, Isle four. Yell it. I want to hear it. I want to hear it.

That's good. That has a sense of fucking urgency. All right, then you know what? They don't put their fucking heart in it. They just go, male pat down or whatever they say. Oh, because you can't be screaming like there's something going down or whatever. Yeah, but you got to communicate. You got to communicate to those bald, fatties guys down there.

We're going to put the back of their hands on my ass there. Well, they don't get it. They have a whole little system that they're talking to each other that you do. Whose fucking side do you want here? Not yours, obviously. All right. Well, listen to this shit. Listen to this shit.

Wait a second. Let me get to the point. Hey, time out. Time out. Get another microphone. Get another microphone. Hang on a second. We're actually going to pause the podcast.

Pause the podcast. All right, so the magic of hitting pause. What's something I never do on this thing? Actually hit pause there. So anyways, this is the deal. So I'm going through security. Yeah. After all these people ridicule me, like, oh, you're already getting radiation anyways,

man. You cannot stand there and have literally have your entire body but your taint lit up. Right? So I'm fucking standing there and this lady is going, hey, if I can get a male support out for, you know, and I'm like, they're not hearing you. They're not here. And then she goes, sir, could you stand over there? I go, I'm going to stand around and you watch my wallet.

Okay. You can stand right there. All right. So anyways, this fucking Asian kid comes up. Fat Asian kid. One of the rare ones. Why? Why is that relevant?

Like, like, like, like a white elephant. Why is that relevant? It's not that rare. Because Asian people are in great shape. They eat great. I don't know what it is. They're in fucking awesome shape. And every once in a while, you see one, you see a fat Asian.

You're like, holy shit. Right? I don't mean like he's a fucking did it on purpose to sumo wrestle. This is just a fact. Sumo. Sumo? Sumo. Whatever the fuck it is.

This fat Asian kid comes up. Not relevant to the story. It is for the comedy it is. No, I see. All right. Sorry. Come on. Listen, I trashed waspy fucking white people on this.

Oh, you did? Did you talk about Nantucket? Yes, I did. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yeah. See, you just hate him. And it's, it's wrong.

I don't hate anybody. I don't have hate in my heart. All right. Shut up. Listen. So this, this, this, this person, this fat kid comes up. Yeah. All right.

And the lady, the lady just goes, hi, hi. He couldn't even hear her. He goes, he's like, what? Hey. He's like, what? And I want to be like, how old are you? That's what the fuck she's trying to say. And he goes 13.

And she goes. All right. Come over here. And she had him go through the old school one. Yeah. So basically you want me to stand in something that could kill a 13 year old. That's what the fuck I'm supposed to do. You know what?

On the way, wait, on the way out, on the way back. Twice, two times, two times that four times a month. I'm going to stand in this thing that can kill a 13 year old. I'm sure it can't kill it. Maybe it can affect his puberty or his growth or something. Yeah. I think maybe it can affect his dick. I have a dick too.

What? Because my dick's old now? Yeah, your dick is old. It's already grown. Your balls are down between your knees. The pubes don't care. No one cares about it anymore. It's just kind of like out of commission.

I think women can avoid that full body thing by saying that they're pregnant and they won't let you go. They won't make you go in there if you say that you're pregnant. Women always have the I'm just a girl excuse to get out of horrific things that guys have to do. But stick with the thing here. If that fucking thing, how old are you? 13?

Get over here. It might prevent him from getting chest hair or something, but you, yeah, you're old. They don't care about you. It's the youth of tomorrow that we're concerned about. There you go. I sat there and I almost... You're out of the game, old man. I almost...

I'm not even... This isn't about me, whether I feel like I'm old or not. I know I'm old. I'm talking about survival. I almost high-fived myself. I actually, I burst it out laughing. Extra laughed because I wanted fucking Mary Mumbles to be like... Mary Mumbles.

Yeah. What are you laughing at? I'm laughing because I'm doing the right thing. If that fucking thing isn't safe for a goddamn 13... Making some little baby crawl through there. He's a fucking kid who probably knows more about computers than I do. And they're like, yeah, no. Don't think so.

Come over here. All right, Nia. You know what it's time for? It's time for some questions. Then we can wrap this up. Oh, first of all, G-Bill, I enjoyed your stand-up special on Netflix Canada so much. Are you coming up there? Actually, I'm not.

I still have dates in the States. Why don't you ever go to Canada? Oh, no. You've gone to Montreal a couple times. Why don't I go to Canada? Yeah, they like you up there. Because I didn't like the way they were portrayed in all those Michael Moore movies. Like, they are just so goddamn perfect up there, despite the fact that they can't even

hand the losing of fucking hockey game down every Starbucks you run. Yeah, that was a kind of a... Is that something that Canadians do often, though? Is that a normal thing in Canada for the riots to happen after hockey game? I would never pretend to think that I know what a Canadian person is thinking. Oh, you wouldn't? I wouldn't. Okay, that's an arrogant thing to do.

Oh, Jesus. And you want to be ashamed of yourself and you should apologize. I love Canada. I love Canada. I've only been to Montreal. I've only been to Montreal up in there twice. Snob. It was amazing.

It was lovely. The people were awesome. Really? They have a lot of strip clubs there. That's like, I went to England. I only went to London. And they'd be like, oh, I love England. All right.

Well, then I love Montreal. Get out there and muck it up. Get out there in the sticks. Fine. I love Montreal. It was people who were too dumb to live in London. I'd like to go to Toronto. I'd like to join them with some fish and chips hanging out of his mouth.

And you tell me how much you like it. You get to the ugly seadier side. The seedy underbelly? The seedy underbelly. Like we're going to Australia coming up. We're going to be going to Sydney. Sydney, the shiniest of all shiny cities over there. And that's how you're going to judge Australia.

Oh, we're going to Sydney. Yeah. Rather than going out to the fucking outback with all those toothless people playing that long horn. That doesn't sound good. All right. Didgeridoo. Didgeridoo.

All right. I'm going to be in Orlando. The world. September 7th, 8th and 9th. Then I'm going to be in Charlotte. The comedy zone. September 13th, 14th and 15th. So these are all the comedy clubs out there.

What date was that again for Charlotte? 13th, 14th and 15th. Of September. Oh, okay. Great. Got some people that want to go to that. Cool. And then I'll be at Caroline's in New York City.

The one I had to make up. That's right. I had to reschedule that because I had that. I had to rebook the pilot of the news. The reboot of Zoom. That's right. Zoom. Zoom.

Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. That's Caroline's is September 20, 21, 22. And I believe 23.

It's a Thursday through Sunday. There's only three days. Oh, you're going to be gone a lot. Awesome. Yeah. We've had enough of each other. But we've had enough of each other. We've spent a lot of time together.

A lot of time. A lot of time. When you say it like that, when you go a lot of time. A lot of time. It's been great. It's been good. Bye, Nene. Bye.

All right. Funeral music. I was saying I'm, you know, relative passed away and how she picked out her, her, her outro music. She had it all planned out. No, it was great. One of the best funerals ever, rather than just being sad. It was like, oh, you got to feel more of her personality.

Yeah. It was awesome. Yeah. Anyways. Hey, Bill, funeral music. Sure. You can have some ACDC. Hey, it's your funeral, right?

I did the music for my dad's funeral three years ago. Weird, huh? I was 25 at the time. Dude, you manned up. Yeah, you did. You manned up. Because that's what happens when the older generation dies. The younger one has to step up.

There's always a person who steps up and then there's a people who just can't deal. Then there's the selfish people like, I can't. I have a rock throwing festival I'm going to. You handle the pain. Rock throwing. Anyways, he came into Black Betty. Oh, okay. That's awesome.

Right there. You feel like you're at a concert. Yeah. Also played. He says pronounce Gaudete. Gaudete. I don't know what to say. And a couple more.

It's spelled G-A-U-D-E-T-E. I'm sure I've heard it. Gaudete. No, I don't know what that is. Gaudete. I don't even know what that is. And a couple more rock ones that I can't remember and no religious shit in between. That's fucking.

That's great. That's how I'm going out. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to go to that damn. What the hell was it that I just told you to go to? LegalZoom.com. Write out my own damn will.

And that's going to be part of it. You're going to. Whoa, Black Billy. Bam-a-lam. Whoa. One more thing I got to read here. E-voice. And then we're done, I think, with the advertising.

Except for two quickies in the end. E-voice. Oh. Hey, this is another great way to start a business for you. You don't have an office, but you want to make it sound like you do. You don't have money for 58 cell phones, but you could have a bunch of different cell phones. Oh, yes.

You were showing me the website today. This is actually, it looks very cool. I keep saying viral phone numbers. It's not that. Not viral. Not viral. What is the proper kid terminology? Tell me.

What is the proper terminology for what now? For phone numbers that are. You're in the air, man, but they're not there. No. And they go into your phone, man. I don't know what it is. Virtual phone numbers. You could literally have like fucking 15 phone numbers.

They all ring to your phone. They got these professional voice actors that will act like they're your sexy, you know, 006 vixen of a secretary. 006. Whatever the hell it is. He's 007. He's on top. Oh, I see.

Right? You get it? E-voice. E-voice is music on hold. Make your business seem more professional as E-voice will treat your clients and customers to music on hold. You sound like you're calling some giant building as you're sitting there sneaking around in your computer and your cubicle.

Right? You go to legal zoom. You get yourself incorporated. You're on your way out. Yeah. It's like the great escape. You dig in the tunnel. It's tremendous.

You can even set up E-voice to run promotional advertisement for your company while people are on hold instead of music. Yeah, that's good. The show blows frisbee fest. You can have your toes painted. Sorry. E-voice also has call recording features, which is perfect for doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, hiring managers, and any other professional discussing contracts.

Easy to use. You just press star two to start and star two to stop. It's easier than me reading this copy. Perfect if you're driving and you can't write something important down. E-voice makes your life easier and seem more professional for a free six month trial for six months. That's pretty good. Do it.

Yeah, they have it. You can do like a conference calling. You have up to 90 people on hold when you have your massive drug dealing international thing there. Don't get people ideas. Oh, please. This whole thing is set up. You can use this for good or evil, just like the internet.

You can learn about turtles or watch something you shouldn't have seen, you know, this is the same thing with E-voice. They're giving you the option to start your business and get out of, get out of your cubicle and start living your dream or you can use it for evil, you know, and start a whole another family or whatever you want to do and you got six months to do it with a free six month trial. Go to www.e-voice.com-billburr or go to the banner on my podcast page at billburr.com and get out from under it, everybody.

Yeah, you know what, that's good even for, so that way, is this a thing where you can give somebody your actual, no, it's not your number. You can give them your number and they don't have your real number. Oh, but they don't have your real number. They don't have your real number. But it brings to your phone and you have the option of turning it on, turning it off. It's like, it's some Star Trek stuff and it gets you out of your cubicle so you can avoid situations like this.

Look at this, right back to the podcast. That right there was a professional segue. Office rumor and Mary. Hey, Bill, great show and all that BS. Anyways, I came in to the office where I work on Friday and my boss came up to me very angrily and said, you up to something staring in his face. See? E voice legal zoom.

You get out from under this. He goes, I didn't know what the hell he, I don't know what, I didn't know what the hell he meant. So I said, no, he said he'd been watching me. That's what he basically, you walk in on a Friday, you psyched for your weekend, this guy comes up and goes, you up to something. You say, no. And he's like, I'm watching you and walks away.

You just have to sit there and take it, right? Slink back into your goddamn cubicle. He goes, I found out later that everyone in the office thinks I fuck the secretary Mary. I didn't. He goes, I didn't. I asked, I asked Mary about it and she said that she made it up. Don't guys usually do that. He goes, I thought it was sexy.

Oh, oh, Jesus. Jumping right into this one and then they really fucked. I had always admired Mary from afar and thought she was a good match for me. I really want to date her, but I fear you want to date this girl. Just put her on the desk and bang her. You're already getting fucked over for it. You might as well. This isn't the mother of your kids, dude.

This chick is a psycho. Will you stop it already? What? You are such an asshole when it comes to any kind of woman being sexual or asserting her sexuality and you're such a fucking hypocrite about it because you love that shit. Okay. So don't sit there on like some sort of moral high horse. This is the mother of your children.

This is how women should act Madonna and whore. Like, you know what I'm saying? Are you done? Yeah. Just say bitch, please. Bitch, please. There we go. All right.

Coming soon to a podcast. That's right. When are you going to start the bitch, please? I'm going to start. I got a lot of shit going on. Yes. Coming soon. The bitch, please podcast.

Yeah. My own, my own podcast and you should, you should, now that I've said the name, you should definitely go out and start the website or anything. Anyways, he goes, he goes, I really want to date her, but I fear that if I do, my boss will fire me or otherwise hurt my career because he is strongly against office relationships. What should I do? All right.

First of all, right there. That's why you need to get out from underneath this dick because he's literally saying who can fuck who this guy's on a total power trip. No, that's, that's a normal policy in workplaces. They frown on interpersonal relations. You up to something. I'm watching you. That's a total, that's J. Edgar Hoover shit.

Yeah. That's like, oh, go to HR and talk. You know what he should have done? That's what he should have kicked him in the balls from behind when he walked away. Get that nice sound. Yeah. That nice sound of a foot hitting the, the, the, the MC Hammer part of the slacks. All right.

So Mary. No. Wait, you just tore me a new fucking asshole. This is what I'm talking about. Nia. What? That chick is fucked in the head. Why?

She made, she made a joke, an inappropriate joke that got around. Absolutely. Asserting yourself sexually is that she just comes up to him and, and asks him out or whatever. I don't have a fucking problem with that. Yeah. To walk around. You know what you, you want to talk about fucking hypocrite?

You're a fucking hypocrite. Why? Because if he sat there and he said that he fucked somebody that he didn't fuck in the office, how would you look at that? Exactly. Okay. This chick is doing, she has some sort of, she has some sort of, this chick is a fucking psycho.

You don't have to go that far to be like they're a psycho, but I, you did, you do make a major red flag. It's a decent point because you have a man said, stop talking down to me. It's a decent point. Stop patting me on the fucking head to great goddamn head. And I gave you a fucking example and you, you actually shut you up for half a second, which is not an easy thing to do.

I am saying that it was a good point. Put your eyebrows down. All right. Now you're, I see what you did. That's classic female shit there. See what you did? You're blaming me for your behavior. Why do, why am I to blame for your classic overreaction and like, you know,

because you assumed that me saying that this chick is a fucking psycho. You immediately assumed that I was, I was saying that women can, uh, assert themselves sexually. Okay. And then I turned it around and I gave you an example. You better figure it out. You better put it away. All right.

I'll do the Bill Clinton fist. I did not have sex in proper relations. Um, because Bill, half your act is about, let me finish. All right. Then I gave you the example. What if some guy said he fucked you and he didn't fuck you? What would you think about that guy? Oh, he's just asserting himself sexually.

Is he hot? What's the, what's the, stop, stop, stop going with the joke. All right. All right. All right. Yes. I get your point. I get your point.

Yes. It would be, no, that's not good enough. What do you want me to say? Because you're going, I get your point. That's a decent point. You pat me on the fucking head. I made a great goddamn point point after you sat there and you flipped out of me, calling me a hypocrite and all this bullshit.

You went in your little bitch, please fucking rant. And I came back. Now you actually understand where I'm coming from because you fucking leaped off the guy. You just took a little thing and you ran with it because you watch me tell some jokes for fucking 10 years. You're right. You're right.

I am right. It would not be, it would not be okay. If you do that, fellas, that's how you do it. You don't let him worm on the way out of it. That's what she did. She tried like three different techniques of patting me on the head. It's a decent point. And then you did the other thing when, when you knew that I was right, then

you put your eyebrows up like, yes, you're right. Like I'm being an overbearing asshole. Because I said, I said it was a good point. So I don't know what more you want from me, but yeah, do you remember, do you remember your new Rockney speech she gave fucking 90 seconds ago about an asshole I was screaming and yelling and all that. And then when you find out I'm right, you go, okay, that's a decent point. You don't think that that's, you know,

yeah, I think it's me giving you my barefoot right now. And I just pushed you right in the face with it. And then you went over the side of the bed, hit your head, started to cry. You said that I was wrong. And I said, all right, you're right. Maybe I pushed you too hard. All right, you're right. That's not all of this is besides the point.

The point is he actually likes this woman. No, he's trying to figure out what he wants to do. Once again, the last second she tried to worm her way out. Did you see that worm in anything? I'm just trying to get back to the top of the point. It isn't beside the point. You just read me the riot act and you will fucking wrong. I don't know that I was completely wrong.

I don't know why aren't you making eye contact anymore? I don't think that I was completely wrong. I just think that you brought up a good point that I hadn't considered. You judge me on past behavior. Of course, what else do I have to judge you on past? Of course, I judge you on past behavior. I'm not saying that's wrong here. My entire life is judging people on past behavior.

Okay. But when you find out you're wrong, you just say, yeah, you know what? I was wrong, which I do. And you never give me fucking credit for what's when, when do you ever say I was wrong? Whenever you do something wrong, when you know what, you know, you come in and you snuggle up beside me and you make a little joke or you like try to get it wrong and I'm going to work on it.

No, that's not what happens at all. You try to cute your way out of it and like charm and do a little funny dance and everybody, I'm Billy. Okay. You know what, you know what? And that's how you get out of it. All right. Now this thing, some of the times I do that, I do admit that when I'm seriously

fucking wrong, when I'm, when you're seriously wrong, you do apologize. That's true. And I say, I will work on it. Right. Well, there you go. Jesus Christ. It's like pulling fucking teeth. All right.

Female question about anal. There's a nice segue. Wait, did we even give that guy advice though? Or did we just go off on our own relationship? Look, here's the advice. Uh, don't date this girl. If you're going to banger, I mean, you're rolling the dice. Cause then she's going to be like, okay, lastly, go with a joke.

But now I really am. Oh, that's true. She might blow up your spot cause she's already talking out of school. Yeah. That's a good point. This guy, and this guy has the problem that I have is that when he makes a fucking loony bird who's fucking all about it, you just fucking, you, you can't, you can't, you know, you just, yeah, that's like a, that's

literally, uh, that's like a second degree, like dick black belt to be able to walk away from free pussy like that. And I, I'm sorry that I'm being crass. I just, I'm running out of time here. I'm just trying to get to the point here. Follow up was a virgin, not a virgin anymore. This is before the female question about anal. I wrote, okay, this guy got fucking laid.

Hey, you broke your cherry. I wrote in a few months back, elaborating on my situation. I remember this 20. I got a lot of virgins calling in a writing it as a 21 year old virgin. Uh, I was going to make a really bad joke there. A lot. I got a lot of virgins typing in on, uh, semen stain keyboard. I know it was gross.

I, there's funny to me in my head. All right. Sorry. I wrote in a few months ago. I let, I helped this person a few months back, elaborating on my situation as a 21 year old virgin, conservative girlfriend, where the furthest we went was oral sex, as well as subsequent hookups with other girls only stopping there.

Um, so you kind of get blown. I don't really consider that a virgin. I just can see you like, I was going to say, you're kind of having sex. You're like, you like a DH, you like the DH. You're not out in the field. You know, you just come, you, but you go to bed every couple of I don't know though, but is a guy still over, like not a virgin if he gets a blown, but a girl is, it's still a virgin if she just gets, if, if a guy

just goes down on her because then her hymen isn't broken. No, no, no, no, no, you, you, as, as a guy, you, you're still a virgin till you've, you banged a girl, right? It's got to go in there and a woman, you're still a virgin slash. You're kind of horny if the other way around. I don't have time to get involved in the debate anyways. Um, as well as subsequent hookups with a girl, this was when I asked you whether telling a girl that I was still a virgin before slash during

during coitus, I don't know what that means. Fornicating was a good idea during does this jolt your memory. Absolutely. It does. I actually lost my virginity 30 minutes before my actual birthday with a girl. I'm currently dating. There you go. There you go.

Good for you. So yeah, it's not like I was a fucking whore or anything. Uh, you were right about telling a girl about my sexual experience or lack thereof. She was actually totally fine with it. Of course. See, I'm not a bad guy. I gave this guy some advice that worked and was surprised that I was a virgin, which I guess I should take as a compliment.

Absolutely. That means you were probably kissing her nice rubbing at titties the way she liked it over there. Um, anyways, I'd like to thank you for that as a small part. Uh, it may, uh, as small of a part as it may have been, it still helps. Well, there you go. So what is now, if I could follow this up with another short question. Now, Jesus, me and this girl have been hooking up pretty, pretty frequently.

And I was going to have some dirt question here. All right. Here we go. Now he's going to get technical. Now that I'm just fucking going, how do I improve on that? Um, is that disgusting? Um, and the one issue I have is that I used, I have to use a rubber. You did say safe sex is like boxing.

Keep yourself protected at all times. Uh, unfortunately when I do put one on, I can't feel shit and therefore tend to lose my erection erection after a while. And it's not like she isn't hot or anything. Uh, cute Asian. That's number two with the Asians. One fat Asian, one cute one. Now, number one, what is wrong with saying she's a cute Asian?

Nothing. She's a hot black chick. How dare you say that she's good looking and describe her. Thank you. There you go. Um, stop talking different condoms. Well, number one, have you ever encountered issues like this? Yes.

And how would you go about solving it? Uh, is it actually, I thought, no, cause what, you know what it is, dude? You're used to fucking mouth on dick contact. And now all of a sudden you put in the dick, your condom on, and it feels like you're, you're in the abyss. This is what you're going to get used to it. Jerk off with the condom on this stuff that you could do. Don't jerk off for a while.

You have to get used to the sensation again. It sucks, but I'm telling you. He could get those thin ones though, the real thin lambskin or whatever. And I could run through that X-ray machine at the fucking airport too. No, I'm telling you, this is the greatest thing you can do now that you're fucking. But I'm going to give this kid some advice. Try to get some different kind of, like experiment with different condoms. No, no, no.

Trojans are super thick. No, there's other ones that are, oh, this is what you want to do. Okay. Okay. And this day and age with Greenland fucking melting and the water rising in New York. Okay. You, you cannot, you have to wear it. You got to fucking go all out.

No, I'm saying he should wear condom. Yeah. And don't get the one that does the fucking thin one. This thing too, you can wear condoms, still get herpes. I still don't understand all that happens. Is it on your ball big or if you shaved your nuts that day and then you're fucking against it. I have no idea sex.

It's a risk of getting something. That's just how it goes down. So this is the thing, dude, right out of the gate, get used to fucking wearing condoms. I can't even fucking tell you how psyched you're going to be. You know, if this doesn't work out, you have a one night stand. As much as it sucks, then there's, there's no fucking better feeling. The end when you walk out knowing that you wore one.

And you always, what you always do after you have sex, you go, okay, you know, you actually, oh, I got to go throw this thing out. Right. And then you go and you put your dick in her sink and fucking you scrubbed that fucker and then you walk out and you put, you use her face towel and you get the fuck out of there or you know what else it could do. And you know, fuck horse, which is hard. You know what else could do if he's in a relationship with this girl, he's a

virgin, I don't know what her sexual history is, they could both go to the clinic together, get tested for everything wrong, wrong, wrong. Do that and then still wear a condom because you have no idea what the other person is going to do. You could be with the sociopath. We don't have time for this, Nia. That's right. Yeah.

Don't fuck that. Fuck all of that. But if they're in like a committed thing, you know, they're 21 Nia, they're 21. She's going to run into one of these righted up 80 year old guys that's has fucking 70, 70 years of game and he's going to fucking talk him into going down on his fucking Rose, Babe Ruth, Dick, uh, female question about anal. And this is the last one I got to get, I got to get out of here. Um, my husband keeps jokingly bringing up the subject of anal sex.

Huh, it'd be funny if I fucked you in the ass. Can you have him call, write me in and ask how we should go about asking you for anal? There's no, there's no asking with anal. You just do it. Wow. No, I'm kidding. Wow.

Now what it is, it's, you have to, you have to do a survey during, during doggy style. That's what shit. That's how you figure it out. It's done with the thumb. It's sort of a rubbing circular motion. William. What is wrong with you? Just finished reading it.

Just finished reading it. Okay. To stop and just read, please for the love of God. Oh, this guy just joking around. I love these pancakes so much that I'd love to fuck you in the ass. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding, sweetheart.

Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. I love these pancakes so much that I'd love to fuck you in the ass. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding, sweetheart. Oh, this poor guy, he wants to fuck you in the ass.

He doesn't know how to bring it up after cornflakes. This is the funniest thing ever. In the past, he always acted as though he thinks it's gross. Maybe he didn't. He's just watched so much porn that he's now graduated to it, which is the danger. My sister told me that a few of her girlfriends said they actually enjoy it. Oh, that means your sister likes it. You know, I have this friend.

Yeah. She loves it. It says that it enhances. He's very well endowed and I weigh only all of 95 pounds. Yeah. It ain't happening. It ain't happening. I think my concern is well-founded.

Yes, it is. But wait a minute. Those porno girls can take it. You can take it too. Come on. Be a trooper. What is your opinion about it? Should I let him?

What would Nia say? Nia just heard what she has to say. He listens to this. Say no, please. You want female listeners, punk? Help me out. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Fuck yourself. If you really don't want to do it, then you shouldn't do it. Yeah, don't do it. There's no reason. It would be one thing if you didn't have a viable option somewhere else that was actually, you know what I mean? It's basically you have a nice, you have a nice, probably mid-size, sedentary. Sedent going on there.

And this guy, for some reason, despite his size, is going with the mini-coupa. Look, I got to be honest with you. It's not something you don't want to do that with your wife. You just don't. Okay. I thought that's the one person you would want to do it with. No. You do it with your wife.

You do it with that fucking dingbat that said she's already banging you at work. Okay. You do it too. Right on the desk. You fuck her in the ass, mush her face into the card catalog. And then you know what? The card catalog. Whatever the fuck they got nowadays.

That's who you do it with. That's it. Okay. That's the podcast for this week. Oh, I got a real quick one from a lady. Yeah. So I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.

It's like, you know, you're 95 pounds. He has a giant dick. What are you going to do there? I have no idea. You know what I would do? I would call in Dr. Drew show and have them. I would, I'm going to pass you through. Yeah.

I'm going to send that one up the, up the, up the, what do they say? What do they say in the precinct? Send that one up the, up the ranks. They, you know what? We don't have time. I don't know. No, no, really quickly. If you, I don't know what city you live in, but if there's a sex shop near you, they

normally have like these anal sex workshops, like taught by women or whatever, and a couple can go in. You pay a little bit of money and they should, like they talk you like they tell you how to do it so that it's gentle and it's not freaking people out. How do you start that? How do you start that? Like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I understand that.

I get it when you go into a sex store and they're fucking in there, but how did you get there? Where are the anal sex shop? Like open mics. Like where do you start? Like you're sitting in a cubicle and like, you know where I think I would make my million in New York. Teaching people how to take their big dicks and that little white ass.

In New York City, there was a place called Toys & Babes Land and they gave all kinds of workshops. How to get blowjobs. But you're missing the point. How to do anal sex. How to, whatever. But you're missing the point. How to introduce S&M into your relationship.

They have these things. I get it. But you're missing the point here. What is the point? The point is how do you become that fucking person? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Where are the open mics?

I don't know. You probably. That's a good gig. You want to sit there talking, but you're acting like a bunch of hotties. A sex writer. You work in a sex shop. You learn about things and then you just become an expert. You study it or whatever.

You talk to people. Do you know? You don't even know what you're talking about. You literally were looking up at the ceiling sort of shaking your head like a star. Pulling ideas out of the sky. You probably just, yeah. You just, you have a parachute and you land on the store and they say, hey, you want to talk about dicks?

Humble female breadwinner. Hi Bill. I'm one of those ladies who usually takes too long to tell a story, so I tried really hard to make this quick. This is actually shorter than most of the guys. So I appreciate it. I make three times more money than my boyfriend of 15, of one and a half years. Sorry.

1.5 years. Jesus Christ. How career driven is her? 1.5 years. Look at me. I'm already insecure that she's making more money. I have zero problem with this because money is not a big issue with me. It's a tough economy and he's very hard working.

Lately, this seems to be more of an issue for him. Of course it is. He makes a bigger deal about going out to eat and took a weekend job so we could see each other less. He has told me that he is ring shopping and even though I've told him many times that I don't want anything fancy or expensive, he counters saying, when I show my friends, I'll be embarrassed and he wants to give me something really nice. Yeah.

Any advice on how to convince him I'm not a material girl? No. What you got to do is support the guy because you got to understand that as a guy going out and earning a living, that's what we're there for and when we're not doing it, not only we can't do it at that time because we don't have a job and you're fucking doing it, no matter how cool you are, it's totally fucking emasculating. It'd be like if I could all of a sudden have a fucking kid and you couldn't get pregnant and I was over there fucking nursing a baby.

It's creepy as that. That's such a bad example. I'm just saying, you know what I mean? Men want to be the provider. That's like in their nature. No, that's our job. It's our job. It's our fucking job.

It's the same way that women, like when you're with a woman, if you get in too good a shape, they get fucking insecure, like they don't like a lot of women as much as they like those shredded guys, they don't want to be with a guy that's in that good a fucking shape because then they're like, fuck, now I have to be in that good a shape and I can't go to those cheese fondue lava fucking things, you know, and stick my tongue in it with a glass of wine and pontificate about sex in the city or whatever the fuck it is you brunts do. Listen, you want to.

Oh my God. You're like, uh, those are absolutely disgusting, by the way, that cheese, come on, you guys sit there sticking the cheese. Yeah, it's gross. It smells awful. Terrific. Yeah, I don't, I don't like fondue. You don't like fondue.

No, it's weird. I went to a fondue restaurant. It's not like feet. I would just say, listen, you got to support this guy. Just say to the guy, just say, listen, I get it. I get it. You don't have a job right now and it's fucking hard for you and, uh, I have a hundred percent faith that yet you're going to find another job.

We're going to have a great life and you know, you don't have to buy a ring right now, but when you get your job and everything you want to go out and buy me a, I totally respect the fact that you're thinking about me being embarrassed around my friends. Just support the guy and it'll be fine. Yeah. That's all you got to do. Just support the guy because right now, no matter unless he hears that from you, he's just going to automatically think that you're thinking that, you know, he's not a provider

and he's not a good guy. He needs to hear it from you. The same way that when you're lady, maybe put on a few, you got to tell us she's still looking good. Right? Why are you looking at me like that because lately you've been slipping. That's the podcast. Oh my God.

No, I was actually thinking like I'm giving a good advice. Maybe she'll please, but she'll pleasure me later. Um, all right, just left it at the good advice, you know, you could have not asked the question. You could have not shown up. Come down here. You know, I didn't ask you on the podcast. I did ask you last time I said you hadn't been here in a while and we missed you. We missed you here in the podcast.

All right. Last two things. Amazon.com. Would you like to support the troops and this podcast? Next time you're going to go to Amazon.com to buy some silly straw. Go to billbird.com first, click on the podcast page, click on the Amazon.com link. It'll take you right there. You don't have to do anything else.

Once you get there, go buy something, buy an old baseball card, uh, Amazon will give me some money. I kicked 10% of it. I've kind of been kicking 10% of all advertising to the, uh, wounded warriors project. It's a great thing. It was what should be done. You know what I mean? It's what should be done.

So there you go. And gameflight.com. Hey, do you want to sit on the couch, smoke some weed and eat some cheez-its? Well, going into a different world anyways, gameflight.com is awesome if you're into video games. They got 8,000 games for you to choose from. You got a two week free trial. Again, direct to your PC or delivered right to your damn apartment, gazebo, tent city,

wherever the hell you live. You can play all these games, uh, 8,000 games for a two week trial. Take two weeks vacation and sit there and play 8,000 different games, right? Gameflight.com. Go to the, go to gameflight.com slash burr now, gameflight.com, yeah, slash burr or the banner ad on my podcast page for the free trial, enjoy all the video games you can play. That's it. That's the podcast for this week.

Go fuck yourselves. Thanks for all the nice compliments about, uh, my guest star on Breaking Bad and, uh, all the wonderful things you guys said about my special, you know, uh, really means a lot to me. I appreciate it. All right. 02:03:29,520 --> 02:03:30,520 Bye.

Bye. Bye. 02:03:59,520 --> 02:04:01,520 Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.