Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-19

Episode Date: August 23, 2019

Bill rambles about townies, homeless people, and Herbie Hancock.

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I'm just checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. I know I'm a little late. I know you're sitting there like, oh, you know, I'm waiting to get tucked in and where are you, Bill? Jesus Christ, you know, you're supposed to fucking be there for me. Let me turn up the volume here. I thought last week's was a little quiet through this thing in the bag, you know, fucked with the volume. Sorry, I was running around a little busy, a little busy today. I haven't been out here in LA in forever, so there's a bunch of shit that was just sort of idle that I had to go take care of. But like right now I'm back to just doing nothing, feed up, caught a little bit of a cold, whatever. Don't give a shit. I don't have school tomorrow.

You know, that's what I love about me is the second high school ended. I was done learning. I never took another test. That's the way I like to do it. Actually, that's not true, but that's why I would have liked to have done it. You ever get envious of townies? You know what I mean? They graduate high school and then they go right across the street, right into a fucking bar and they just sit there. They have the fucking confidence to wait for life to come to them. They don't feel like they got to go out and move. They got to go where it's at. They sit right down in that stool. The perfect job is walking right through that door. The woman I'm going to marry is walking right through that door and coming up to this bar in order in a fucking vodka Collins.

You know, everybody always makes fun of townies. I don't. They're very happy people. They have to be restless, unhappy, depressed people move around. You know, I got to go here. Maybe if I live here, maybe if I'm with these people, maybe they don't find happiness. But these fucking townies, they are born in that town, raised, educated and live in that town until they die. They never fucking leave. Have you been to the Louvre? Have you? Have you seen Big Bay? You got to see the pyramids. Have you been to the fucking Grand Canyon? They don't give a fuck. They don't need to. They know it's out there. Why would they want to fight gridlock traffic? Go to an airport. Go to the kiosk. Excuse me, sir. Sir, the line starts over here, sir.

Oh, is that where the line is? Those fucking mouth breathers staring at their phone? You ever think maybe that's why I got to jump on them? Because they're looking at their fight and cut the line. Lady! Go to fucking checkout, I almost called. You go through security, you got to take your fucking shoes off. You know, some fatty in front of you has got a fucking yoo-hoo in their bags and then they fucking, they got to slow the whole thing down. She left one in her back pocket or he did. I don't give a fuck. I'm not sexist when it comes to fatties. They fucking, why would they want to deal with any of that? They just stay in the hometown. And you know what, someday that job does come walking through the door.

Right? Someday that woman does come in. And you might say, well, if you just fucking sit there, I mean, you're going to settle for what comes through that door. I would ask you this, what the fuck is wrong with that? Huh? All you fucking people out there in the rat race trying to get a luxury high-rise apartment. You with that chick who's watching those whores on TV with their shiny shoes? Because the chicks with the fucking butterlady's hair, they're all getting them, right? Kardashians? They're fucking Pocahontas haircuts that they have. All of a sudden they have all of that shit. Then the person you're with, because they're not happy. Because they're clown. Maybe if I get this pair of shoes, then I'll be fucking happy.

Maybe if I watch the Food Network and I learn how to make a fucking souffle, oh! And my friends eat it and they go, wow! There's so many layers to you, Bill. Don't we all make fun of townies because we're fucking envious of them? They had enough. That little town was enough for them. A cold Budweiser was enough for them. The game up on that little square TV was enough for them. Whoever comes walking through that door with that job or the one that's getting married, it was enough for them. You know? You guys got to lay off townies.

Isn't it funny that I'm fucking sitting here, trashing you guys like you came up with that shit? What I was really doing was I was upset with myself because that's what I realized 30-something years later. It's like what a townie has is what I've been trying to achieve for over 30 years, which is being satisfied. Alright? Somewhere in all of that is a fucking Billy Joel or a Bruce Springsteen song. You know? They always sing about the common man. He graduated high school, went across the street and said, man, what are you doing here? You know, I was listening to Howard Stern the other day and as always, he had me laughing my balls off and he said the fucking funniest shit.

The most perfect thing. You know, like this new fucking thing because everybody's a fucking social media jerk off now. They can't even just go to a goddamn concert and enjoy the concert. Somebody's got to get pulled up on stage. So he was talking about seeing some clip of one of these fucking bands pulled some kid up on the stage and played with the band, you know? Because they got to show how down to earth the band is. They got to be interactive with their fans. And Stern was going, you know, I don't want to be a dick. I mean, he played good for an 11 year old, but you know, I paid full price for a ticket to watch a professional band. And it's exactly. Before he even got to the punchline, I was already laughing because that's what I always thought. Can you imagine back in the day, you went to go see fucking Led Zeppelin and in the middle of it, John Bonham got out of the way and some fuckhead could barely grow his first mustache.

Got up on stage. Instead of going boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, and you have to sit there going like, the fuck are we doing it? You know what happened back in the day? No, neither do I. Anyway, I went to a concert last night. I went to the Hollywood Bowl and I saw Herbie Hancock. I saw him and there was this band that, because Vinny Collier was playing on drums. Of course, I got to go see that. I saw Vinny play with Sting and he was fucking amazing then, but you know, he's more of inside a box there, you know? He's playing some hit songs. Herbie Hancock, it's just like fucking do whatever.

When Vinny fucking murdered the way he's always been murdering, the guy just doesn't slow down. I've never seen anything like it. That fucking guy just absolutely fucking destroyed and just the effort he puts out too. He's fucking pouring sweat like Angus after fucking three songs. It was totally fucking just killing it. The first time I saw him, I bought tickets right down in like the fucking, they call them the pool seats, because there used to be a pool at the Hollywood Bowl. It wasn't original. Somebody decided to put it in there and then I don't know what happened.

Fucked with the sound or they were too far away from the fans. I don't know. So they still, to this day, they got rid of the pool and then they just call them the pool seats. So I sat there and like somebody's whole fucking bass rig was right in front of me. So I couldn't even see him. I had to watch him on the big fucking TV screen, killing my neck. So this time I had a great angle. I totally could see him play and he absolutely destroyed. Herbie Hancock, of course, was amazing. The band, of course, he always plays with top-notch people. They're bringing all these guests on. There was this fucking guy, came on, goes by the name of Thundercat.

And I'm saying, I was with my lovely wife, I'm like, isn't that like a fucking cartoon or some sort of sci-fi shit? Sure enough it was. He dresses like one of the Thundercats and comes out with like a bass in plays like Jimi Hendrix and sings amazing. It was incredible. And then the opening band also blew me away if you get a chance to see him. It's R plus R equals now. And I guess it was a who's who, a fucking musicians, but they had a trumpet player. I think that's what he was playing. His horn was all twisted up like beyond Dizzy Gillespie shit. This guy, Christian Scott, was fucking incredible. Justin Tyson, drums, Derek Hodges on bass. I forget the other guy's names. I should have them in front of me, but if you get a chance to see them,

it's just great to see human beings still doing that, you know, where now everything is just sort of like automated or whatever. You've seen him basically kind of moving in with the robots a little bit. There was one at the airport. I walked in, it was just like this head and just someone like on like a screen or something was like, Hello, and how are you being all friendly? And it might immediately, I was thinking of how many human beings were sitting there trying to figure out. Like, okay, what sex should the robot be? Is a female voice more inviting than a male voice? I can't remember what it was. What range? Let's get some fucking meth heads in here and let's put some fucking those those little fucking circle things.

You know, that scientists always use the EKG shit, stick it on your brain and shit. And they try to figure out like what, you know, what tone of voice is most inviting. Like all of that went into that stupid thing going, oh, how are you now supposed to. What am I talking about? What am I ever talking about? Who the fuck knows? So, aside from the incredible music that I saw, my favorite thing ever is making my wife laugh to the point that she has to take a walk. I call it the walk off laugh. And I got her last night. There was this lady, right? And she had like the the classic like Katie Lang haircut or a woman of a certain age who doesn't want to deal with their hair anymore. And she had more white hair than gray. It was salt and pepper, but mostly salt.

And it was super fucking thick and sort of wavy and shit. And she was just right out of my peripheral and I looked over and I was like, oh shit, right? And right as Nia was looking, I was like, oh, I thought that was one of the Beach Boys because she looked like that fucking Brian Wilson guy. You know, they all got like that thick gray fucking hair at this point. And I didn't realize Nia was such a Beach Boy fan because she fucking when she really fucking laughs, she looks away. There's a pause before it even comes out and then she starts laughing and she can't fucking stop. It's been a minute. I used to get those with her all the time. But you know, once you have the kid, you're like tired and focused on making the kid laugh.

So, you know, date nights are important. So that was the cycle. There you go. There now we're back on track. Now we're in love again. Not that we weren't, but you know what I mean? Married people with kids understand. So it was just an incredible night. So I could see these amazing, amazing fucking musicians. Everybody knows Harvey Hancock R plus R equals now. You got to see that band and the band leader was hilarious. He came out like a comic, just shitting on everybody going, hey, you guys didn't even clap when we came out.

You know, I know you're sitting there eating your sandwiches and shit. You got your ice in your drink and shit. He kept saying shit, dropped a couple of F bombs and a couple of the lady next door actually got mad. I want to look over like he's joking. This is merely a tool to get you to pay attention. Getting all fucking upset like a fucking older person on Facebook talking about politics. So then that became the bit for me, not that this guy, I love that he was giving people shit, but just watching how Maddie could make this woman.

But then they started playing and then she shut the fuck up because they were that good. So it was great. It was like watching a great comic. He came out, he lost part of the crowd, but then he was so fucking good. They had to go along for the fucking ride. Speaking of the ride. Oh, look at me with the Segways today. Why do they call that fucking thing a Segway, by the way? You know that thing that, I mean, for the, I can't, it's from mall cops

and for YouTube videos of people fucking wiping out on the Segway. Why do they call it that? Segway from what to what? You're halfway between walking and being in a legit vehicle, a car. All right, now I got to look it up. Here we go. Because you know what I learned this week? That expression balls to the wall, which I, I, uh, hang on a second,

was listening to Ozzie's Boneyard. Because I like listening to the Florentine show, you know, and I'm sorry, I'm trying to type and talk here. Why is it called a Segway? Now this will be about fucking, who gives a fuck, Bill? Anyway, I was listening to this song by, I think it's accept. They were a German, they are a German metal band. And there's this song, it's like balls to the wall.

I'm like, what the fuck? Like, what the fuck kind of song is this? Then I read the lyrics. It's actually, you know, kind of deep. It was about class system and all of that shit. I'm like, but why would they say balls to the wall? I know it was metal. I know it was the 80s.

And I looked it up. Balls to the wall. I thought that was, I don't know. I thought that was like some ex-game fucking hang 10 shit, man, or whatever surfer thing, but it was actually an aviation term. You know, when you push the throttle forward, you go into the firewall and the throttle had like little balls on top of the handle. So when you went balls to the wall, you were going full throttle,

meaning full speed. So the expression balls to the wall means you're going all out. So it has nothing to do with your fucking gonads. I had no idea. All right. So now you learned that. Let me see if I can learn this. Why is, sorry, why is that two wheeler called a segue?

I literally wrote this like an 80 year old man, like I'm transcribing. Why is that two wheeler called a segue? That's my search. A two wheeler is a vehicle that runs on two wheels. Jesus Christ. I don't think I spelled segue right. They tried to correct me by putting sequel in there. All right, fuck it.

I think you should know how to spell segue before you can question why they call it that. Anyway, so I went up to, what the hell was I? I was up there in San Francisco and went up with Joe Bartnick. Like I said, because the punchline was losing their lease. They were going out of business. So Molly called me. Molly Schminke called me and said, hey, you want to do one last night here before they shut us down because Google's buying everything.

And I was like, fine, yeah, let's, let me recreate my first show. I'll work with Joe Bartnick. So she's like, fine. So we picked August, what is it, the 20th? I think it was 21st, 20th. It was Tuesday. And somewhere along the line, Dave Chappelle saved the club. He had like a town meeting or something.

He put his cape on and we fucking flew to San Francisco and said, how dare you? This is the comedy club that every comedian in the fucking world started at, performed here, blah, blah, blah. He fucking, whatever the hell he said, he bought him another two years. So Google's going to act like they don't, like they actually give a shit about the arts for another two fucking years before they take over the place. But at least it gives them a chance to find a new place without any downtime in between. But we went up there and we had a great fucking time.

I got a burrito. It was insane. If you've never been to San Francisco, if you're a fucking townie and you don't need to go, I'm jealous of you. But if you're a regular person and you're not satisfied with something about yourself and you think, well, maybe if I go to San Francisco and get a burrito, then I'll be happy. I will tell you this, you will be happy for the next three hours of your fucking life. That's how good those things are.

It doesn't even make sense how good the burritos are in San Francisco. Granted, I was with Joe Bartnick and he knew where to go. And you know, when you were like a little kid and you're eating and you liked what you were eating, you'd start like kicking your feet under the chair and they'd be swinging and shit. I was like literally doing that as an adult. They just weren't swinging because I'm tall enough now that my feet touched the floor. But if I was like a jockey 10 years older than me, I would have been doing the same fucking

thing. That's how incredible they are in case you're wondering. So we decided to walk it off. And we walked from the mission part of San Francisco all the way down Mackett Street. We're all the fucking homeless people, hustlers, fucking tourists, just a whole mix of fucking everybody. And it didn't feel too crazy when I was down there. Just felt regular.

But like a couple of days later, I guess some shit went down right after we were there. Like two hours after we left, some fucking guy ran on the street was shooting people, shot like eight fucking people. And Barton was like, you could feel like something was going to happen. I was like, no, dude, I'm from the suburbs. We never feel anything happening. I felt like a street hockey game was going to break out. Like that's where my fucking head was.

So anyways, my condolences, nobody died. Thank God somebody only shot like one person. So that sounds like a fucking, I don't know what. It's probably one of those fucking crazy homeless people. San Francisco with their fucking homeless people. Jesus Christ. I've never seen anything like it. They have the most homeless fucking people, most homeless homeless people you're ever going to see.

They have every single fucking kind. They have every era. It's like the Baskin Robbins of fucking homeless people. If there's 36 different types of homeless people, they have all of them. Boxcar Willy style. They got that one. I was joking on stage. I saw one of them.

I was like, is that literally a 49er? Is that guy from the 1800s? How can you be that third world looking homeless, mental problems homeless, new homeless, fresh homeless, still warm from living inside an hour ago, now just fresh out on the street. I've never fucking seen anything like it. And furthermore, I don't fucking understand it. I don't know. I understand not giving people a fucking free ride, but I don't get it.

I just hate how you just fucking walk by him. Well, some of them smell so fucking bad. What would you do? You know, you're almost like... Back in the day when they had the fucking race riots and they would come down with the hoses and they'd be spraying people down, they need to bring those hoses back and just turn down the water pressure and start spraying down some of these fucking homeless people. You spray them down, you scrub them up.

Just go with this, alright? Then you get a basic outfit. You can get an old Navy, one of those cheap piece of shit fucking stores, right, with the clothes disintegrate three times after you wear them. Okay? You get them fucking straightened out a little bit. You make them approachable. I don't know.

That's as far as I can go with the plan. Somebody got to get them back inside. It's fucking nuts. I don't know. There's got to be a solution to that. Where then it doesn't become like, hey, I'm just going to pretend I'm a crazy homeless people so I never have to fucking work again.

See, that's the problem. You know? Somebody's like legit fucking nuts. Not saying every homeless person is fucking crazy. You know, I realized at least 30 seconds ago this plan isn't going to work and I haven't really worked it out either. So, you know, we're going to abort that. I guess homeless people are just a part of,

oh, a homeless person is a person in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, unless you're rich. A homeless person is in your neighborhood. They're a person that you meet when you're walking down the street. You see, they're fucked up feet. They're a person. Sorry. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same.

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If you ordered once a month, you could eat two burgers a week. Right? Have a great time. Everybody's on that fucking. Was it Keyloid Diet? What the fuck is it called? Kiosk. We just sit there fucking eating red meat and fucking drinking butter, melted butter. Is that what you guys are doing now?

Is that how you're going to try to get your abs? You don't see the townie doing that, do you? Oh, no. No, you do not. He's fucking chilling. Eating the same steak and cheese. He's probably eating a steak. All right. You want New York Yankees, everybody? A lot of Yankee fans out there have the best record in the American League.

I am watching this. Now, I was wrong when I was talking about their sports droughts. Right now, they are in their... They just passed their fourth longest championship drought at 10 years. They've gone 10 years without winning a World Series. Before that, their third longest was nine years from 2000 to 2009. Now, 2009 to 2019, that's the third longest they've gone. The second longest, which I didn't know, it was from 1962 to 1977. That was 15 years.

And then, 78 to 96 was 18. That was the longest. You fucking understand that? That's how successful that fucking franchise is. None of those amounts of years could you even legally drink? Only one of those could you could get fucking drafted or vote or whatever. It's absolutely incredible. So, I'm really interested to see when they end their drought, which it's not a drought. I'm joking by saying that.

I feel that they're going to win it at least once in the next three years. So, once again, they're going to keep it like it never gets up to 20. They've never gone 20 years, people, since they won their first one. Think about that. When they first started winning them, it was an all-white segregated league. Then it became anybody can fucking play. And they continued to win. And then it became fucking free agents.

No, lower the mound, they continued to win. Free agents, they continued to win. ESPN, Roids, it doesn't fucking make a difference. They just keep fucking winning. 16 teams, 24 teams, 30 fucking teams, they keep fucking winning. As a Red Sox fan, I hate it, but you got to respect it. Anyways, it's going to be funny when next time they win their next one, just to watch them, the amount of shit.

They're going to be trying to find Red Sox fans after those fucking pussy-ass Yankee fans. They've been hiding for the last fucking, I don't know how many goddamn years. Oh, nobody hides like a fucking Yankee fan. I'll tell you, one group of people who cannot take shit, it's those fucking people, because they've never had to. You know, they just sat there fucking treating us like McFly for fucking 86 years. That's the funniest thing about the Red Sox continuing to win, because I only needed to see them win it once.

I'm like a townie sports fan, I don't give a fuck after that point, fine. I'm happy, I'm satisfied, I saw them finally win it. Those fucking guys, you know, the only thing I like about that they're continuing to win is like just watching, not all Yankee fans, I'm being an asshole here, but just those shit talkers. The David Buster's fucking sports fan cunts, Buffalo Wildwings, those guys, they don't know what to do with themselves. Anyway, but having said that, as much as I don't like their fans,

I've realized after long last that I don't even hate, I don't hate the franchise. I never was about that, because I've never talked to a Yankee before in my fucking life. Not to get all bronx tail on you, but it's the fucking fans, they're the ones that annoy the fuck out of me. Alright, so having said that, New England Patriots are playing well. I watched a little bit of preseason football, I did not know that Joe Flacco, the alias that you give to a cop when you get pulled over, what's your name? Joe. Joe what? Flacco, right? Sounds like a fucking made up name.

That fucking beast just got, I guess he went over to the Ravens. I mean the Ravens, the Broncos, I had no idea. I think that's a good move by Baltimore though, you know. They traded him while he still had some miles left on him, so they probably got some decent, I mean I could have looked it up, but I'm not got a decent draft pick, so maybe a couple of fucking players that they can use to fucking do something and they go with that kid from Louisville, who I watched a little bit of him. Didn't throw too much, did a lot of running, we've all seen that before, haven't we?

We've all seen the fucking quarterback nobody can catch for fucking three seasons and then eventually get caught and then his career's over. It's so weird how you can do that at the college level. He's almost run a Wildcat offense. Anything that describes how much better the NFL is and how much harder they hit and how much faster the game is than college. Because when I watch it on TV, there's certain throws and stuff that you notice that's not at a pro level, but those kids look fast as shit.

If I watch college hockey, it looks a lot slower than the NHL. It's weird, you know. NBA, you can kind of tell versus college, but not that much. The one thing that you really can tell the difference is one of those fucking guys that is just running up and down the goddamn field as a college quarterback when he tries to do that in the NFL, you can get away with that for a little while. And then one of these days, one of them's going to catch you and they make you pay for it and they slow you down just a hair.

Sorry, my voice is cutting out on me. Just a hair and then that's it. Then that's it. And now you haven't learned how to stay in the fucking pocket to protect yourself. Now you can't, now you're not mobile. You can't read defenses and then that's it. You're fucking out of the league. That's how quick it happens.

And I should know because I haven't played organized football since the third grade. All right. Sorry for the congestion here, people. I'm going to get myself fucking some sleep here tonight. That's actually not true. I'm going to go down to the comedy store. I'm going to fucking jump on Joe Rogan's show. That's what I'm doing tonight.

Anyway, so I tried to mention I tried out the new fucking hour. Killed. Granted, it was my audience. Well, tonight's going to be Rogan's audience. So I'm kind of excited to see some of these jokes work in front of people who don't give a fuck about me. But the new hour is ready to go. I'm so fucking excited. I got my life back.

Football season is here. I got no worries in the fuck. I'm like a Thomas happy as a townie. You like that? All right. God bless all of you. And go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you.

Have a great weekend, you cunts. That's what I'm trying to say. And I'll talk to you on Monday. Enjoy the music. And we have a bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast coming right after the music. So hang in there. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 22nd, 2011. I would like to apologize for the podcast being late this week. I'd like to apologize for this free entree being late. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I tried to do it last night. I tried my best at this, you know, and I flew yesterday on American Eagle, not bragging. That's how the big boys do it. That's the poor man's learjet.

You know, it's the same fucking size except you jammed in there with 40 other fucking people. You know, you know the plane is small when they make you just, you check everything except yourself. The second you went, did I just do a joke from the 80s? I'm not saying this plane was small people, but I had to check my fucking loafers. Hey now, keep it going for the band, everybody. Oh, is this podcast going to suck too? I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to warn you guys, this podcast is going to suck this week. I don't have it.

I am fucking burned out. All right. I don't have any funny left. I did Nashville last weekend. I'm doing Letterman tonight. I've been trying to put together my five minutes of squeaky clean material, despite the fact that I am not a squeaky clean guy. I am trying to search and sift through my act to find that needle of cleanness in that fucking dirty haystack. Jesus Christ.

I got nothing. Do you understand that? I got nothing. My act right now, I for 20 minutes, I talk about gold digging horse. I defend Arnold Schwarzenegger. I talk about reasons to hit women. And I make fun of people who get plastic surgery. That's it, folks.

That's the new hour of material. It's somewhere in there. I'm supposed to fucking pull up five minutes. That's not going to piss off people that sell tide. I'll tell you, I can't do it anymore. I used to be that five minute guy who could come up with five minutes of clean material. You know, oh boy, oh boy. How's everybody doing tonight?

Here's my little wacky take on fucking rollerblades. I used to be able to do it. I'm not that person anymore. All right. I think working clean is for somebody in their 20s. I don't know why, but at least it was for me. Or being self-deprecating. I'm not self-deprecating.

It's for somebody who is young and is still a little bit awkward. I am 43. I am set in my ways. I think I'm right about everything that I talk about. I'm an asshole. That's not conducive for a fucking four and a half minutes set. Oh, Jesus. Whatever.

I'm going to figure out how to do it. Well, whatever. I got that fucking thing hanging over my head. I shoot that thing in about four hours. And you know, it's hilarious as I ran the set last night at the comic strip. It's been killing all fucking week. And then I go up the comic strip and I just eat my balls wire to wire. And then I find out that everyone in the crowd was from like Finland and Norway or some shit.

And it's just like, why does that always happen right before you're going to go on TV? It's an unwritten rule that if you're going to do five minutes on a late night talk show, it's going to kill all month. And then the night before you do it, something like that's going to, something's going to happen. I figure we go down to this club and you show up and unbeknownst to you, it's an entire like water polo team from fucking New Zealand. And you go and update with your act and you're just eating your fucking balls, but you got to stay in your act.

You can't come out of it and be like, what the fuck is your guys problem? Because you're timing the set and then you walk off with flop sweating. They go, no, no, no, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. That was a water polo team. That that's that was a, that was the didgeridoo union workers from the outback in Australia. Don't worry, the set's going to go great. And then you just sit there laying in bed thinking about that one fucking set. Fuck the other 60 sets you did where it went great.

I'm sick of this shit. Stop mind fucking yourself, Bill. All right. I need fucking John Madden to come in here right now. Give me a goddamn halftime fucking speech or a pregame speech. But what it is I need to do tonight. I know I'm going to be fine because I'm going to be there. It's going to be a bunch of tourists, hopefully who speak English. You know, you never know with this fucking recession and the goddamn dollar being so weak.

Those motherfuckers who were at the club last night, they might, they might throw their money around and come to the TV taping. Oh, JJ's. So I am staying at a very nice hotel. And what makes, what, you know what makes a hotel nice in New York City? Just space. The fact that when I open the door, I don't trip over the bed. It makes me feel that I have an unbelievably spacious hotel room here.

It's actually a great hotel. And I really like the way they decorated it. They went with a minimalist style. That's right. I know that word minimalist. Kind of like the set on the Dick Van Dyke show. When you come in, whoop-a-doo-doo, ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da. Right? You come walking in with booze on his breath and force himself on a young, naive Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, she just married Tyler back then. I don't know what she was, but she was fucking hot. I told you, that's my favorite era. The way the broads used to dress back then. You know, they had those two-toned shoes. They were heels, but it wasn't hoary. You know? This is pre...

Like, just think of the women who have influenced female style in the last fucking 25 years. I'm really gonna sound like an old guy, but I just think that they dress like absolute trash. The fucking trash. The Kardashians. That's your pinnacle of fashion sense? Huh? Those squirrel-eyed whores? Huh? They look like to me.

Like, I've ever wanted to fuck a gopher. If I was ever turned on by a... By a rodent. And who came before them? Who was before them? Paris Hilton. Paris fucking Hilton. Just, just fucking head to toe jizzed on.

By the time she was fucking 19, she was just used up. Now, how do you think she got that way? She already thinks because of what? Because what, she was some rich guy's fucking kid? That's how she ended up that way? No! Who was before her? Madonna.

Laying on the stage, fucking spreading the goddamn legs. Just trash. She's trash. It's all it's been. It's been fucking trash for 30 fucking years. And you go back. You watch all those old movies. Fucking women, they're beautiful, but they got, they got class.

And you know what? They were probably sucking as much dick as the girls do today, but they didn't wear it on their sleeve. Fucking tattooed goddamn whores. They would just fucking bring their asses down just a little bit more. You know? Skirts a little bit longer. Leave something to the imagination.

You don't think so? All you guys are, I wish they walked around naked. You never had that moment in a titty bar? Well, you walk in, you just at some point, it's just not even exciting anymore. You're actually talking to a completely naked woman, asking her where the bathroom is. You know? There's no excitement anymore.

You're told, you're used to it. You're fucking used to it. Speaking of which, what's the deal? They had a protest here in New York City. It was evidently yesterday was Gotopolis Day. It said protesters went over the top for the right to bear breasts. Almost three dozen activists strutted through Columbus Circle yesterday

on National Gotopolis Day. Similar demonstrations were held across the country demanding that lawmakers trash codes against female toplessness. I don't know why they want to fucking do that, but you know, more power to them. I guess the good looking ones. That's how I would ease into that law. You got to demonstrate that your titties should be shown.

The same way when you see a guy walking around with man-tits, and you're like, put a shirt on! Right? I think that, I think you should earn being topless. How about that? You know, I sound like a dictator, but if I was one, that's how I would run my country. You got to earn it.

Alright, if you're a guy, you got to be jacked. And if you're a woman, your tits have to still be excited about life. They can't be those beaten down tits staring at your toes. You know? You know what's interesting is in a lot of third world countries, and walking around with their titties hanging out is no big deal. It's not a... They don't give a shit.

So I was just wondering, as men here in the states, and are we turned on by titties just because we've... I think that's what it is. You know what? That's exactly what the fuck it is. Because those old school chicks, the Mary Tyler Morris with their goddamn skirts, below their knee. You know, if every girl was walking around with skirts below their knee,

your whole fucking life, and then one day, some girl comes walking by, and her skirt is above her knee. I swear to God, you're going to get a semi. You're like, holy shit. I can see your knees. You know? Wait a minute, don't do that with titties. You know, can we still be excited to see your fucking titties?

Isn't it enough? Don't you get enough in this country? You know, you get to run your fucking yaps all goddamn day long, be as rude and as inconsiderate as humanly fucking possible, and no one can slap you in the face. We can't do it anymore. You know? There you are, yap, yap, yap, yap, yapping.

Right? You get divorced, you get to take a guy for all these fucking words, I'm just a girl, I can't work. Work for me. I'm used to a certain lifestyle. Isn't that enough? Now you're going to, you know, you've joined all our fucking men's clubs. We can't even get away from you.

And one of the few pleasures we have left in life is the excitement of seeing a pair of tits, talking our way into seeing a pair of fucking tits, right? A couple of blue moons and a, you know, a Belvedere or some shit. You get her to do it. And now you're going to take that away by just walking around with your goddamn titties hanging out. What would Audrey Hepburn say?

What the fuck would she say? Is that the right one? That breakfast at Tiffany's Chick? I use that fucking expression, that reference. I've never seen that movie. I've just seen pictures of it, and I think that that girl is, she's a class act. Unlike all you filthy whores nowadays,

with your hoary little Kardashian shoes, with the fucking Paris Hilton jizz on my face straps, and the Madonna hoary fishnets. You know, I know a lot of you guys, because Madonna is like 63 at this point, has been living in England for 20 years. You actually think that she's some highfalutin. She's the daughter of a trucker from Michigan.

Don't ever forget that, alright? And she's not fooling me with her goddamn accent. Jesus, why am I trashin' Madonna so fucking bad? Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. Did I even get done hyping the podcast select? So yeah, so it's 99 cents. By the way, the Monday morning podcast select is not available on iTunes. And you're probably like,

why isn't it available on iTunes? That's why I don't know about my shit. I'll tell you why, because those fucking cunts want like, you know, like 40 per, I don't know what they take. It's absolutely disgusting. The fact because it's 99 fucking cents. The fact that you're gonna take 40 cents out of my 99 cents. And before anybody goes, well, Bill, the math works out no matter what.

40% is 40%. It's the fucking principle of it. When I'm only making a dollar, you're gonna leave me with 50 cents. 49 cents, you fucking cunts. Ain't happening. Not to this podcaster. I say no.

It's only available on the mmpodcast.com. I got, we got absolutely rave reviews. Like how I just said, we, like I have an entire fucking staff of people rather than just one person helping me out with this. I guess technically that's still we. We got rave reviews. Listen to some of these. The podcast select was awesome.

You have set a high standard right out of the gate. Love listening to Ephraim and those great stories. I have zero guilt paying my one Canadian dollar for the podcast select. It was like a first round draft pick that panned out. Well, you know something? I have no problem. I have no problem taking your Canadian dollar. You know why?

Cause I just went to Canada and I got 80 cents on the American dollar. So buddy, I think you just gave me a dollar 20. Somebody's gonna actually do the real math. Actually it's a dollar 17. Go fuck yourself. I will be buying select episodes of the mmpodcasts, but probably not this one. I'm not a sports fan.

I don't even know who the guy is, but it's only a buck. I probably will get it. Damn. You know, why would you send me that one? That guy's just fucking, is that a chick right in that? I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'm going to do it. Maybe I'm not going to do it.

I just feel like, oh, shut up. All right. Let's get on to the, oh, and I want to thank Ephraim Salam for being a fucking unbelievable guest. That's the real reason why that podcast was so awesome. And it's also the reason why I'm not going to be doing one every single week, or maybe even every month. I'm going to wait till I have a guest that can shine a light

on something and is a great, that I haven't really talked about that is not really stand-up comedy related. And then also it's something that I'm interested in, so I have good questions that I can ask them, you know? Like, what's something I actually want to do is I want to interview a grizzled veteran police officer, actually a retired police officer, and I want to ask all the questions that civilians fucking have.

Like, why do you have to be such a dick when you pull me over? And I'm not being a dick asking that. All right? I just mean, you know? Is that how they train you? Because you could potentially get shot? You got to treat everybody that way? Is that what it is?

I want to know all that. What's the most fucked up thing you ever saw? What's the most corrupt thing you ever saw? The image of firefighters? Does that annoy you? I want to ask all those fucking questions. You know, because I got to admit I saw this YouTube video this week that we're going to have up on the MMPodcast.com.

This fucking video is amazing. This fan runs out onto the pitch, as they say, which is basically the soccer field for all the Americans listening to this shit. He runs out onto the soccer field and he's got his little sign, this fan. He's harmless, right? Running around with this fucking sign. So you know what's going to happen? Four security guards are going to tackle the guy and twist his fucking arms up,

which is exactly what happens. But this guy, he's not fighting the cops as far as hitting them. He's just making it difficult for them to get his hands together so they can slap the cuffs on him. So they take out their nightsticks, two of them, and they start jabbing them in the ribs. Harder and harder and harder. And what ends up happening next is amazing.

We'll be right back after this break. Why did I just do that? Why did I just say, and what happens next? And what happens next will shock you. Oh my God, I think I just saw my future. Am I going to be a fucking, I'm going to be a talking head. I can't get a TV show on the fucking air. Whisker Wars is taking up all the time.

Son of a gun, which is Orange County choppers, but with guns. Hey, I got a fucking browning, fucking 1919. I'm sick of the tripod. Can you turn it into a rifle? Hey, buddy, I like your fucking style. It's the exact same fucking show. Instead of we got to make a motorcycle for somebody. You know, the Orange County choppers goes, right?

Hey, we got to make a bike. Fucking Tyco wants us to make a bike. It's the 70th anniversary of their toy store. And then what happens? Everything was going good. And then the, uh, the carburetor didn't fit. Hey, Mikey, what's the problem? Carburetor doesn't fit.

What do you mean carburetor doesn't fit? Doesn't fit. We better hope dad doesn't find out and then he comes out. Oh, the fucking, fucking, fucking, right? This is, it's the same goddamn show. So we got to, we, except they got a Southern accent. We're going to make this, uh, got a browning 1919. I couldn't believe it when I saw it.

It was unbelievable. All right. It's up on the tripod. Uh, the amount of fucking Japanese soldiers that were killed with this thing. It just makes them a fucking dick hard. Well, this guy wants us to take all off the tripod, stick a fucking goddamn shoulder harness on it so you can walk into them all and blow everybody's face away. And also it's like, that's, that's my fucking style.

Right. And what happens? They start to make it. Everything's going good. And then it doesn't work. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. He's going to be here in 20 minutes.

Then everybody starts yelling at each other. I fucking give up. So anyways, back to the YouTube video. What happens next will shock and amaze you right after this break. And we're back. So anyways, these guys are fucking jabbing this dude in the rib cage harder and harder. And then all of a sudden three, four fans jump out of the stands and they start running at the cops. And then the cops literally look up.

They look like, you ever see like those, those when the fucking couple of lions take down a zebra or some shit and they begin to feed and then all of a sudden 40 hyenas show up and then they got to give up the kill. That's basically what happened. They looked up and they're like, oh shit, four on four. So they stood up and they try to have a where cops you out of your mind. I made you kind of vibe. And then all of a sudden those four showing up made another 20 people come out of the stands. And next thing you know, the cops are on the run.

And then they get fucking beaten down. One guy in particular gets stomped even worse, way worse actually than the other fucking guy. It actually goes from, from shocking to amazing to hilarious to fucking disgusting very quickly. You know, because, you know, you're always watching these guys getting beaten. This is a fellow sports fan. I don't know. It's one of those things that I always wanted to ask a cop like, why do you guys, you got a guy down, he's face fucking down.

I'm not being a dick. I'm not judging what you do. I don't have your job. I'm just asking. You got a guy face down. Somebody's got their knee on the guy back of the guy's neck. Somebody else is sitting on his fucking legs. The most he can do is square him like half an inch.

All right. And the guy won't let you cuff him. You know, why not? Why rather than just taking a next to 30 seconds to let this guy tire out and then just cuff him? Why do you start booting him in the head or, you know, doing atomic knee drops to his spine? Why is that done? I do have a theory. There's 60,000 fucking fans there and you have like a hundred cops.

You know, and when I really think about it, the amount of times I've been drunk when I'm at a game and I think about running out on the field, the sobering thought is taking that atomic knee drop to my fucking spine. And, you know, I got busted for drinking and driving back in the late fucking 80s, you know, back when they were actually considering making it possibly an Olympic sport, you know. It was right on that, you know, but then the mad mothers against drinking and driving, they won. It's very close. It's like when Quebec wanted to secede from Canada, like it almost fucking happened.

Summer Olympics, by the way, let's not get crazy. It wasn't going to be in the winter. Too much degree of difficulty. But anyways, all those memories of the beat down that people take, plus the nightmare of the one time I was in the court system and somebody had my driver's license and there was fines in classes and meetings and community service. It just all just, I don't care how many drinks I've had. I'm just, I'm like, I'm not fucking doing it.

Is that why you guys do it? Sorry, had the hiccups. Bacon, I can cheese here, people. I'm off my oatmeal diet on the road here. Is that why? Is that why it happens? I've always wondered that shit. I kind of actually, I understand why you come up to the window of a car and because at any point,

if at any point I could get shot in the head and die on my job, I guess I would be on edge too. But I would just love to hear it from a cop because all I'm doing is speculating. So we have a video like that this week. We have another hilarious video of a cop pulls over this minivan and I swear to God, the amount of immigrants that run out of this fucking van, it is unbelievable. Every time you think the last wave of eight people runs out of this fucking van, another door opens and another seven people come flying out.

And they got Benny Hill music playing and it's the funniest thing ever. This cop gets so overwhelmed, he doesn't catch anybody. It's like a fat kid if it was rain and candy. He'd be, every time he'd get some in his hand, he'd want to go catch some more and he'd drop whatever was in his fucking hand. That's basically what happened. Fucking hilarious video, I want to thank people who sent both of those videos in. We kind of have all cop videos this week because I'm trying to draw them out of the weeds here. Because I want to do a Monday morning podcast select with a retired police officer and I want to hear all these stories.

We did interview a cop on Uninformed but I want to do it again because I have even more questions now. There's another one where a guy, he's getting arrested, I don't know what for. It's one of those videos that starts after the altercation starts. As far as I can tell, he changed his name and didn't do it in a legal way. But he's being like a rebel, I'm not your property. But the funny thing is, is this guy knows his rights. And one of the funniest things, one of my favorite police videos to watch, is when the person getting arrested like knows their rights.

You know? Like this cop one time said to this little skater going, give me that skateboard. And he goes, no. And it's just one of those things as a citizen, you don't realize, yeah, like wait a minute, no. You don't have the right to just take my, you're so like, do everything the cop says so he doesn't arrest you or beat the shit out of you.

You know? You just feel like if you just say no to a cop, you're automatically going to get arrested. Well this guy is fucking hilarious. They're going, you're under arrest. And he goes, what's the charge? What is the charge? And the guy goes, it doesn't matter. And he's like, yes it does.

I have a right to know as a citizen. I am not your property. I am the property of Yahweh. This guy, I absolutely fucking love this guy. This guy, he has passion. He's informed. He's a little fucking crazy. He is a true fucking patriot.

Without a doubt. And the amount of people who would watch this guy and because he yells Yahweh would just say that he's a fucking, he's a nut job, is actually a travesty. And the last YouTube video of the week is Red House Furniture. It's a fucking great commercial. It's actually a ballsy commercial where they're kind of making fun of racism. And they're really going for the comedy. But the thing is, is then they're not trained professionals on comedy.

So the written shit that they're saying is funny, but the way they deliver it, the reason why it's funny is because they're not really delivering it in a comedic way. So there's plenty to laugh. Plenty to laugh about there, folks. Jesus, I sucked this week. Alright, let's get on to the advice for the week. Can we somehow stretch this into a goddamn hour? I got nothing this week, people.

I really don't. I got nothing. I got 80 pitches. Like I said, 80 fucking pitches. I'm going to give you four to five innings and then just pull me out because it's going to get ugly. Alright, dear Bill. Okay. Hey, Bill.

How's it hanging? Love the podcast. My question is this. I noticed lately that when I get hammered and hook up with a girl, I can't get it up to banger. Jesus, did you notice that, sir? That's some groundbreaking research you've done there. He goes, this must be a young kid. He goes, this got me scared and shit.

I look like a bitch in front of one girl. This never happened before. I'm not really a big drinker. Oh, I smoke more weed, man. But I remember getting drunk with my ex and banging with no problem when we were together for a while. I was reading online that alcohol slows your blood flow to the main pipe, so I guess I won't drink so much next time I'm chilling with the bitches. What's your and Nia's take? How should a girl react to this?

Call me a fag or what? Ah, Jesus, I wish Nia was here to answer that because she can say what it's like to be on the other side of that. Now, dude, any man worth his fucking salt has that fucking story. You know, you're out. It's whiskey dick. You fucking throw back too many shots. You're uninhibited. You talk yourself into some pussy and then you show up and then your dick's just like fucking, you know, slumped over on your leg snoozing.

Right? You know, and because there's so much little information out there for guys and because guys are just supposed to come in to the whole having sex part of their lives, somehow just automatically knowing everything and it's just not okay. It's not okay to just not know shit. You know, like I wish if I could go back when I was a kid, I wish that I could have been strong enough to just be like, you know, like when kids would make a sex joke when you were in high school and you completely didn't get it. And then you had to sit there and be like, you know, hoping someone wouldn't ask you to explain the joke, which happened to me a couple of times. I can't even remember the fucking jokes.

What if they would make some fucking joke, some sex joke and I had no idea. I didn't even get the joke and I would let's probably more like junior high and for all you kids out there, you got to understand there was no internet, none of this shit. Okay, I had no idea. You had to piece it together. You had to steal one of your dad's dirty magazines. You had to over here a couple of fucking drunks talking to somehow try and piece it together. What exactly went down?

So this is one, this poor bastard fucking drinks a goddamn fifth at whiskey and he can't get it up. And now he's wondering if he's gay or not. You're fine, sir. You are fine. You just, you had too much booze and it, yeah, it turns off the valve. That's all I could tell you. Yeah, so next time, you know, don't drink, you know what to do. You looked it up.

You're fine. Don't worry about it. I've had it happen to me. Probably Jesus Christ, at least a half a dozen to a dozen. I'm an old man. It's happened to me a lot. To the point it doesn't even embarrass me. I just go, I had too much to drink.

All right, sweetie. You know, that's one of the great things about getting old is you just don't give a fuck anymore. About a lot of shit that you used to gave, gave a shit about. Now all you give a shit about is your health. As long as, you know, you're not dying, you know, and you're not a fat fuck. You're pretty much happy with yourself. But other than that, like, hey, you know what? Old Hank is not.

He doesn't feel like playing tonight. So what am I supposed to do? Ah, think of yourself. I don't give a shit. Take a hike. God, you're so mean. I know. I know.

All right. Advice. Bill, I need some help. I'm a 25-year-old dude from Joisee. I've been with my girlfriend for six and a half years. I asked her to marry me in April and she said, yes. Great, right? Not so fast.

Not so fast, eh? She's a special ed teacher and she was having a tough time getting a full-time job. She took an interview in Virginia right outside of D.C. And surprise, surprise, she got it. She took the job and is living with a friend down there. It kind of blows me. Which kind of, it, oh, it kind of blows. Um, I thought he was going to say it kind of blows me away

and then I realized he wasn't going to say that. I just said it kind of blows me. What am I, beefus and butt head? Um, it kind of blows. We only see each other on the weekend. I'm currently at a paralegal firm in New York City and was considering law school, but I've started to, but I started in lean towards, I've started to lean towards not going,

not going, seeing how lawyers are miserable douches. Uh, they're not all miserable douches. You could actually be an honest lawyer, you know? And then you could, you could save a water supply and then Julia Roberts could play you in a movie, you know? Uh, anyways, he goes, I'm not really a career guy, but I don't want to start over a new place. Uh, we talk about moving there, but I don't want to leave

because I'm a northeast elitist. But she's also talking about moving back after a year, which would be next September. What should I do? Should I move to the fucking Confederacy? I would stick it out and see if she's going to move back. By the way, uh, the one podcast she heard that she loved was the Rose Bowl one.

And to this day she still says, come on TCU, let's go frogs. Um, oh, she sounds like a cool girl. She's got a sense of humor. All right, let's, let's back up here. All right. First of all, sir, you're a paralegal. You say you think about going to law school, but all lawyers are miserable douches.

Um, well, you are working with them. So maybe that is what you're thinking. I'm guessing there might be, uh, are you overwhelmed by going to law school and having to pass the bar? You know, I had a friend of mine had to go through that shit. He, he treated it like a job for a month. He took a month off from work in eight hours a day, took a lunch break, the whole thing, eight hours of fucking day.

He studied and he passed it the first time. And I remember just being absolutely in awe of the entire fucking process. Um, but anyways, you say I'm not really a career guy. I don't know what your deal is, dude. You need to get fucking motivated. If you were more of a career guy, maybe your girl, I'm not trying to be a dick here.

Maybe your girl wouldn't have to go down to Virginia and go and snatch up a fucking job. Um, I think if you want to prevent her from fucking going down there, I would try and, uh, light a fire under your ass and get your career going and show that you can support a family up in your, um, northeast elite area.

And as far as moving down to Virginia, um, it sounds like you don't want to do that. And she's hitting you with the classic, well, it's just for a year. And we're going to move back next, next September. Well, when next September comes along, if you're still floundering, guess where you're going to be living the following September?

You're still going to be in Virginia. That's what my guts telling me. So I would, uh, like I said, light a fire under your ass, get your fucking career going. And, uh, because right now it doesn't seem like you really have anything to leave other than you like the hoagies where you're living. You know?

And, uh, I don't know what's going to happen in your life. It's your life, sir. But I got to tell you this. If you do not want to live in Virginia, but you decide to go down there, you have to tell her 90 fucking times before you go down there. This is just for a year. I am leaving no matter what next September

because I can guarantee you. I can guarantee you that there is a major chance she's going to go down there and possibly like it. The winners are milder. You get more bang for your buck down here. I really like collared greens, you know? So read one book on Stonewall Jackson. It should become a fucking sympathizer.

Right? Yeah. I mean, you're really leaving a lot up to chance, but, um, look, you're a man. You can't have a baby. The one thing that you do is you, you provide and you defend the fucking homestead. So you got to start providing.

You start providing. You're not going to end up in these situations. So figure out what the fuck you want to do. Go full force into it. Um, and then I think you'll have a leg to stand on, right? Because right now I don't think you do. I don't think you do, but good luck with that. That's a, uh, it's a tough situation.

All right. Moving on. Hiya Bill from Finland. Uh, I'm a bit behind in the MM podcast. But, uh, but, uh, um, just listening heard your early July in which you wanted to hear if there are any Finland people who listen. Well, I do. I just bought two tickets to the August 21st show.

Now what the fuck did I put this one in here? Not if you're not sure if you count me as finished listener. I'm from Vancouver and lived here for 14 years, but I promise to bring a fin with me. Don't bother bringing any Canuck jokes with you though. I'm a flyers fan. I think I copied and pasted the wrong thing. It was really nothing for me to talk about there.

It was there. And now look at me. Now look at me. The podcast has ground to a screeching halt. 36 minutes in. Oh Jesus Christ. I'm going to make a new rule. I'm not doing a podcast on a day when I have to do stand up on a late night talk show.

Um, all right. Overrated underrated for this week. Let's try and find out where that is. Oh, you motherfucker. All right. Underrated quiet innocent looking girls. They are all wild whores in bed. Is that true?

He wrote wild W H I L D. Wild whores in bed. You know something? I always went with the horse. I went with the sure thing. Um, that's so underrated. Quiet innocent looking girls. They're all whore.

Wild whores in bed. Overrated hot tan blondes. They just lay there like a fish. No fun. And you know something that's really not even their fault. Girls who are just like born fucking hot. And they, and they're not embarrassed by their hotness. So they don't try and hide it.

They just float through that first third of their life until they start to get the fucking crow's feet. Then it ends in an ugly goddamn way. Um, but you know, it's, it's, it's really the way guys treat them. Like if you see a beautiful woman and she's a cunt, why do you think she's that way? Because she came out of the womb as a cunt or because she's been treated with this privilege

by every other guy out there, especially when you're young and the only formula you have for getting laid is be nice to it. Maybe it'll touch me. You know, they're just like, uh, I don't know. That was, you know, something Jesus Christ. You would be the fucking man if you actually gave her shit. That's a very dangerous thing to do.

That's a mean thing to do to somebody, but, I don't know. I already told that story. I know I told that story before, but who gives a fuck? I'm gonna have to repeat a couple of stories. I'm like my 5,000 fucking episode here. I told you that time I hooked up with that, that girl. It was like a 22 year old. It was doggies.

We're doing a doggie style, you know, as I move forward, she's supposed to back into me as I pull back. She moves away and we just sort of clang together like fucking, uh, that ACDC video where they got the balls slamming together. She basically, as I move forward, she moved forward. As I move back, she moved back and I was, so we were basically just rocking back and forth with one another. That can happen.

She was also a beautiful girl. Um, anyways, plumbing ahead. Um, uh, overrated. Back to school commercials. You're trying to enjoy your last few weeks or the last month of your summer, and then the commercials come on. Just rubbing it in your fucking face.

You might as well have a bunch of adults come on. The commercial just laughing and pointing at you saying, ah, you're going back to fucking school, bitch. It's one commercial. Uh, there's one commercial I saw with these animated pieces of shit cereal counting down from five and yelling happy school year. Even though I'm not in school anymore, I know how these kids feel when I see the commercials,

and I still hate them. Dude, that's fucking awesome. I gotta go with, I gotta totally agree with that. I remember, you first of all, you remember how long summer vacation seemed when you were a kid? Because two months of your life was such a huge portion of your life. And I remember, uh, like one of my brothers joked about that. Like when he, from second to third grade,

like he went back, when he, over that summer vacation, he came back from third grade, and he said for like the first, like 30 seconds, he forgot how to write. He could, he, he, he, he, he, he, because we just learned it in the last year of his life, how to, you know, write the alphabet and shit like that. Maybe it was second grade, I don't know what,

he just grabbed the pencil, which is sort of staring at the paper, like that's how long summer vacation seemed. And I remember, back then, that now they do them at like the end of July, but they used to do it like mid, mid, uh, August, they would start doing those back to school fucking commercials,

and it was such a goddamn buzzkill. Um, the only exciting thing was that you were going to get some new tough skins, and a new pair of sneakers that were going to last you for the whole fucking year. And, uh, I would love to see what a parent's overhead was back then. You know, like a big family like mine, you know. I bet the amount of money that they, that you could spend on a half dozen kids in the 70s is not equivalent to what you would spend on one and a half kids nowadays.

iPods, iPads, fucking laptops, cell phones. It's just, it's unfucking believable. Sendin' these kids back like, like goddamn Captain Kirk now. I'd get like two new pairs of pants to go with the other ones that I had from the year before, and then I'd get, and no, I'd get hand-me-downs.

I'd get the hand-me-down shirts and pants and that type of thing, and then I'd, uh, I'd get a new pair of sneakers and that lasted the whole fucking year. And that was it. I remember there was a couple of kids who would get new pairs of sneakers halfway through the year, and they were considered the rich kids.

Ah, these fucking kids. I sound like an old man. All right, uh, overrated, jogging. For short people like me, I already hate exercising, but I do it every other week. Uh, I used to jog, but it tires me out after 10 minutes and I barely get anywhere when I jog because of my short legs.

But I see these tall people jogging and they love it. I have a few tall friends and they say, oh no, I don't see the problem, I love jogging. And I tell them to go fuck themselves and I no longer jog. Just go to the gym and call it a day. Yeah, short people, you got a tough thing there. You know, when you're short, the burgers got nowhere to go.

You know, but just notice this though, the tall people, they die sooner, provided you keep yourself in shape. You know, when you really think about it, think about that shit. It's always a little old lady, right? A little old man. When was the last time you saw a 6'10", 90-year-old guy?

Have you ever seen that? You don't. You know why? It's because the amount of work it takes for the heart to have to pump the blood all the way down to their extremities. It's no bullshit. It could be bullshit.

Some doctor told me that. And you know, I never went to medical school, so I took his word for it. You never see that. You never see any fat old men? When was the last time you saw an 87-year-old tub of shit? Just fucking, you know, with a reinforced walker waddling her fucking way into a KFC.

I hate that KFC. Kentucky Fried Chicken. That shit is fucking evil, unless it's cold. It's cold. It's an angel. You have that shit when it's hot. I swear to God, I want to kill myself. That grease, I don't know where the grease goes,

but if you cool it down, my stomach can handle it. I can eat cold Kentucky Fried Chicken all goddamn day. And did you give me a two-piece that they have heated up? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, that fucking stuff is horrific. By the way, if you can eat Kentucky Fried Chicken without getting sick, that's a good barometer of how young you are.

Enjoy it. Enjoy it while it lasts, because there's going to be a day, you're going to be like me, and you're going to try to eat that shit one day, and it's going to come out both ends. All right, there you go. Nice bodily fluid joke as I limp my way into the final 15 minutes of this podcast. But anyways, we're plowing forward here.

I actually just hit pause there, because I had to run over and get my cell phone. I kind of cheated right there. But I didn't, because I owned up to it, right? Doesn't that make it okay? Throwing myself on the mercy of the podcast court here. Let's do another advice thing here. Mr. Burr, my bro, who I just donated a kidney to,

turned me onto your podcast for straight-up women advice. All right, two things. Number one, take my advice, but at your own fucking risk, all right, because I am a psychopath. And number two, donating a kidney, that's just fucking unbelievable to me. That is something I will never do, unless it's an immediate family member and there's nobody else.

There's no one else to go to. And if I find out that I'm a match, I'm going to be pissed. All right? I can't, but the people who do that are fucking amazing. There's no fucking way I would do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry your kidneys suck. Okay?

I want both of mine. I think there's a reason I was born with two. Okay? I want the backup. It's like the F-250 camper special, right? It's got dual gas tanks. You run out of gas in one, you flip the switch, here we go. We're good for another couple hundred miles.

I don't want to do that. Start taking fucking parts out of me. God bless you. Dude, that's unbelievable. You're a saint. Do you realize what you can get away with in life now and still make it to heaven if that bullshit is true? Oh gee.

Um, Jesus didn't even do that. He didn't give up a kidney, did he? The fuck did he ever do? You know? Nothing. I'm just trying to stir up the Jesus. He gave up his life. He died for you.

I wasn't born yet. That's impossible. I'm not born. We're going to get going on this shit again. How the fuck that I can, before I'm even born, I'm already in sin. I'm born with original sin. Oh my God, you fucking children.

How you can't see that pimp game that they're playing on you that immediately they knock you off balance and you start feeling that there's something wrong with you and you can only be saved by going through these cunts and giving them money. How the fuck you can't see through the fuck you can't see the trees through the forest or the forest through the trees,

however the fuck you say that expression is fucking beyond me. I'm not saying there's not a higher power, okay? But these fucking people that they're guessing, they're scaring the shit out of you. If they knew, if they knew, there would be no fear. There would be no fear.

If they knew, if they knew emphatically that there was a fucking afterlife and everything was gonna be okay, they wouldn't be using fear. They'd be happier. They'd be much more chill. The service would be chill. It would be listen, everything's gonna be okay.

That's what it would be. It would be there's a guy and he's fucking mad at you. It wouldn't be any of that. Just think about that. What if right now, you knew that you were gonna die someday but you already knew you were gonna go to this paradise forever?

Wouldn't that remove just about all of the stress of life? You know? You might even offer yourself to just go there sooner. Cash in all your fucking vacation days, wouldn't you? Would you? I don't know. I really don't wanna get off in that fucking shit. You guys know my opinions on it.

All these fucking maniacs. You see that shit out. Momar Gaddafi is finally getting, looks like he's finally gonna be removed from power. Those rebels have taken over the city and this is what happens every time. They're gonna take over the city. Everybody's happy, happy.

My fucking voice cracking. Everybody's happy, everybody's hugging each other what's gonna happen? It's gonna be a good two, three days and then they're all gonna fight with each other because everybody's gonna go after the fucking power. And then the only way that they're gonna be able to fucking keep power during that unbelievable major change

is they're gonna have to be as oppressive if not more oppressive than the fucking guy they removed. It's fucking human beings are the worst. And all right, let's plow ahead here. So anyways, I'm twisting myself up in an emotional knot over this smoking hot chick that was messing with my mind. And my bro said, dude,

are you a surfer the way you're writing this? My bro said, dude, just listen to Bill Burr's podcast. All right, so here we go. So I did and now I'm writing you. The woman in question is a five foot ten inch Brazilian brunette. Let me just stop for a second and congratulate you. Jesus Christ, congratulations, sir.

Anyway, five foot ten inch Brazilian brunette. God bless you. Who I fucked a couple of dozen times. God bless you two times. And ever since, she's come in and out of my life and fucked with my head. Fuck with your head. You fucked her 20, 24 times.

How is she fucking with your head, sir? He says she's sweet talking me to death, but never putting out again. Her excuse was always I have intimacy issues. Please be patient with me. Oh, jeez. I always get text messages. Okay, right there, my gut is telling me

that in the beginning, during those two dozen times when you fucked her, she didn't give a shit about you. But sometime between fuck number 20 and 24, she started to develop feelings for you, which freaked her out, which is why for some reason now she can't have sex with you. Jesus, dude, I think you got a nut job here.

I always get text messages from her about how much she loves and misses me, but when we try to hook up, she cancels at the last minute, or I end up leaving with blue balls and a hug. I'm a tall, good-looking guy, but I was getting hung up on this girl, believing her words

and thinking we would hookups again soon enough. Always she visited... Anyway, she visited me at the hospital after I donated a kidney to my bro. Is this for Keanu Reeves? Which I thought was cool. So after I released... I am released and recovering at home,

I decided to thank her. Oh, to send her a thank-you note and some flowers for visiting. You know, to show my appreciation and perhaps butter her up a bit. I didn't know her exact address, so I googled her name. Nothing.

So then I googled her phone number, thinking her address will come up. Nope. Instead, an ad pops up with a picture of her in sexy lingerie. Turns out she's a fucking escort. Boom, boom, boom, boom, bam. I fell into a funk

because here's this hot chick constantly texting me, telling me how much she loves me and misses me, telling me she has intimacy issues and for me to be patient and I found out she's fucking and sucking total strangers in New York City for the money. Yeah, that's intimacy issues.

There's no emotional connection with those other people. Which is what in the beginning she didn't have with you, which is why she was fucking your brains out. Then all of a sudden she developed feelings for you, started to like you. You know, dude, you donated a kidney

because your friend was in need. In my world, you're a hell of a guy. According to you, you're a good looking guy. You're a good looking guy who isn't vain enough, who actually gives up his own fucking kidney. All right? And is confident enough to talk shit to a five foot ten inch

Brazilian fucking beauty. All right, there's a lot there for her to like. So she started to like you and she freaked out. So, yeah, for some reason she's afraid of that type of shit. And I'm not even getting involved in the whole fucking escort thing. But anyways, let's...

Let's plow ahead here. He says, I haven't told her yet that I know, but she keeps texting me the same old I love you and miss you messages. I'm like, what the fuck? My ego's taking a huge hit here. I was really falling for this chick.

I guess that I've wasted so much time with her. Part of me wants to just walk away and ignore her. Part of me wants to confront her about it, not attack her for her choice of profession. But to get some sort of answer of why she stung me like that. Yeah, dude, you're just a good guy. You donate and your kidney.

You're not gonna call her a whore. You're not gonna make her feel bad about her choice of profession. I can just tell you this, dudes. Like somebody who does that for a living had a horrific childhood. She probably got molested. Something bad happened to her and it's sad. And then she goes out and she becomes an escort

and then other dirt bags who got hurt as kids. Then they take out their childhood on her in the bedroom every night. It's why it's such a fucking dirty, awful goddamn business. But you know what? It's not your fault, sir. And it's time for you to stop being such a giver. You already gave up a goddamn kidney.

You're already giving enough that you're not gonna fucking trash this girl for being, you know, in the awful situation that she's in, that she's an escort. Why don't you do something for yourself? You know? You gotta be selfish at some point in your life. If you're gonna be selfish

picking who is the person you're gonna spend your life with, that's the time to do it. All right? And I feel bad for her, whatever happened to her, but she needs to work that shit out. And you know, I think you've done enough for others in your life, sir. How about you do something for yourself and go out on a limb here? I'm gonna say that a escort is not probably gonna be the mother of your children.

You know? And don't fall into this shit that you're gonna rescue this person because you can't. She has to fucking do it herself. And she's not there yet. And you got one life to leave. You already gave up a kidney. You're done.

You could drive a fucking SUV into a fucking goddamn pen of baby rabbits. And you're still good. Start doing donuts on their little cute heads. But, gosh, this is why I have no women listeners. Oh, my God, that's such a bad image. Um...

Yeah, fuck that. All right? Now, knowing you, you're gonna want to let this girl down easy for some fucking reason. And, uh... I don't know. I'll talk to you if you want to do it. But just don't get sucked back into a relationship, okay?

Because that girl, uh... she needs to go to therapy. And she needs to go when she's fucking ready to go. And that's all on her. You do not need to deal with that shit. All right? You said you're a good-looking guy. Go find another fucking five-foot-ten-inch fucking beauty

who isn't an escort, who doesn't have intimacy issues. You know? That's it. That's all I got for you. This week came in just under an hour. I gotta go put on my monkey suit and go fucking tell jokes to middle America. Um, that is it.

Ah, Jesus Christ. Did I have the levels wrong the entire time? Why is that fucking so high? Oh, Jesus. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. I'll see you next week. I'll see you next week. I'll see you next week.

Thanks for watching.