Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-24

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

Bill rambles with comedian Tommy Tiernan about the Irish people, space to live, and the first puff. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (01:03:37) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 8-22-16 - Bill rambles about missing UFC 202, lewd behavior, and WrestleMania. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Ultraista - Bad Insect  

Monopoly Go, the summer of epic sports is in full swing and I'm feeling the competitive spirit. Luckily I have the perfect game, Monopoly Go. It's an epic mobile twist on the classic Monopoly where you build your empire and go for the gold to win. Over 150 million players have downloaded it to feel the thrill of the win anywhere, anytime. My favorite part is I can connect with my friends in the game or I can make new friends with players all over the world to win special awards. You can play events together or just smash their landmarks, pull bank heists, wow, or charge them rent like in classic Monopoly. I don't remember bank heists. There might be a little gloating involved. It's your chance to compete with friends to stand atop the podium as the number one tycoon.

Be the champion, build your empire and win. Monopoly Go has been one of the world's most successful casual mobile games ever since its launch last year. The game is more exciting and rewarding when you play with friends. You can invite people you already know to play or make new friends. Make your

move and download Monopoly Go. Now free for the App Store and Google Play. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. Now obviously, I always say whenever I film, it means I have a special guest look on me. I sort of dressed up a little bit, looking like I'm getting my picture taken in grade school, you know, one of these with one of those.

My guest today comes all the way from the Falkland Islands. That's me. No. Diego Tiernan. Yes. From Ireland, one of the greatest comedians Ireland's ever produced, one of the greatest comedians in the world. Tout le monde.

Tout le monde. Tout le monde, monsieur. Please welcome to the podcast Mr. Tommy Ternan. How are you? Comme l'oiseau est sur la branche. Good now. I'm amazed at your fluency. My fluency of what? Just ignorance?

I don't know, but where you find the words, man? I don't know how you do that. Let me ask you, what is the Irish feeling, I'm gonna guess, on the French. Alright, I'm gonna guess. You hate the English, the English hate the French, so maybe you like the French because they annoy the English. No, no, no. Fuck, all for one. Yeah, not even close. Not even close? You think everybody are cunts?

No, we have a thing of, when we were being oppressed by the English, we flew to, the rich people flew to France. It's called the Flight of the Earls, when all the great noble men and women of, I think the 1600s, the English were coming, so they said, let's get the fuck out of here. And they all went to France, and they stayed there, so there would be deep, old, bone connection between the French and the Irish. But it's not even, it's not current.

We don't have a... No, I get it, so like the guys who were probably in bed with the English probably got a warning that they were coming, and then they went off to with their mistress. Yeah, but they're... but that's acceptable in France yeah no no no not not the guys who were in cahoots with English that the poets who would have been killed by the English the kind they left yeah I thought you said when you said the Earl's that's the Earl's

the Duke's that's not like yeah but- Yeah, but there was the aristocracy of talent. You left out the talent part. That was a misdirection. I took that as a taken. You did? Well, I never- Am I explaining everything? In what world is a poet in high society making a lot of money? Oh, that's Ireland, the magical emerald isle. Back in the day... Oh you love a limerick. Back in the day the poet was part of the King's court. Back in the day... Does that mean like his entourage? Like his...

Do you know the way now a president has... Cabinet. Yeah. One of them would have been a poet back in the day. Back in the 1600s. Well, no wonder they fucking came in and took over your country. No. Was he making rhymes about what they were doing to you guys? No, no, no, no.

This is an old-fashioned way of being in the world. Anyway. Do you want to hear something embarrassing? No, no, I want to finish this. Oh, sorry. So, our poets left. Our fine poets, our Earls. And we call it the flight of the Earls.

It's like you're rappers. It's beautiful. All the rappers have gone to Mexico. So they all took up, but did that surprise you? They're not fighters? It surprised me. I mean, you're people. I don't know. We's why it's me. I mean, you're people. No, no, I don't know.

We were so downtrodden. We were so... You lost your earls of poetry? Yeah. Our only refuge was the spoken word. Really. And music and drink. And to this day, some Irish people aren't great at architecture or, you know, any of

the obvious hallmarks of empire. We're good at talking and we love laughing. And we love music and drinking and singing and crying and fighting. So you guys basically get life. We're white Mexicans of Europe. No, but you know what life is about. Wait a minute, Mexicans are great at construction. Are they?

Fantastic. Anything you need built from a fucking car rebuilt? They'll swap out an engine? Yeah. I use a lot of old tropes that don't hold water. But I think that we, it was because we had no choice. That's why we, you know, are like that. It's not like we had to choose between, you know, being masters of the world and being singers. We had no choice, we had no money. So where does spirit come out when you have no money? When you got nothing, what do you do? And you're in a hut and someone says,

I've made this kind of- Over here you get a gun and you start robbing people. But back then, you kind of, look, I've made this drink from rain and tears and old potatoes. Let's fucking drink it and see what happens. And then somebody would make a fiddle out of an old cat. It'd start.

And then me. Da da da da da. And that was our culture for 800 years. And meanwhile England was building warships. What is their problem by the way? It infects people doesn't it? Empire infects. Well that's what we're like, you know what's funny is I do a bit about this where people

like over here who aren't white will ask like white people what do you do, where's your culture? And like we don't really have an answer for that and we don't understand that we're not white, we don't understand that we're like generally speaking, I mean we know that we're from Europe but we don't really have an answer for that and we don't understand that we're not white we don't understand that we're like generally speaking I mean we know that we're from Europe but we don't really think about it when you go over Europe there's all these different you know white cultures and all that but we came over here and what England always does is they take all of that away and it's like act like us and then you can move up the ladder so now after all these hundreds of years now we just wander around like Best Buy's and Applebee's

and we get excited about other races, holidays like Cinco de Mayo and all of that because, you know. You got racial, you got tribal jealousy. No, what we have, no, what was was this big sort of lie that hey, you're white too, so you can ascend up and you can also get a castle, and that's not what happened. You got a cubicle. Yeah, you got a cubicle. You got a cubicle and your grandparents didn't teach

your parents the language or any of the cuisine or any of that because being an immigrant, you got a ton of shit. Whoever's the latest people that came over, Italians, Irish, whatever, you know, they used to have the Nina laws, no Irish need apply. WAP was without papers, all of that type of shit. So, you know, most of them, Italians didn't to their credit,

but most of us got rid of all of that stuff and, or it wasn't taught to you because they wanted you to be American, which was to basically act like the British. Then we kicked the British out and then we were sort of left with these robber barons that are considered the founding fathers and are looked upon, you know,

I'm not saying they're 100% bad or good, but like they sort of just got rid of the, they used, you know, the working class to fight the English, get them out, and then once they got them out, they just moved into their big houses, and now they run Amazon and Netflix and shit. They seem distant though, don't they,

those guys, the founding fathers? They seem like they're like, it's hard to find a through line between you and a founding father. They're just, they're like, they're like. Well it also depends like when your bloodline came over here because people have just constantly been coming over here. So I mean, most of us when the founding fathers were here,

were not here. Yeah. You know? Where did the Bergs come from? Scottish or something, or Irish or? Like English, but on somebody's side of my family, we do trace it back to the Revolutionary War. We do have somebody that fought in the Revolutionary War.

We got someone that fought in the Civil War. So we do have a few. Somebody did it in my family, I forget who, but generally speaking, I'm mostly German. But then we have like, I think it's either English or Scottish, I don't know this. I like English, Scottish, Irish, French, Dutch, German. I got all of this.

I'm just like, you know, I'm a mongrel. I was talking to somebody about this the other day about old music, you know, I'm a mongrel. I was talking to somebody about this the other day about old music, you know, about that we have tunes in Ireland that go back hundreds and hundreds of years and songs that go back hundreds of years. So when you're singing the song, you're kind of reminded of an attitude

that was in the country all that time ago. You can kind of inherit it. And I was saying to him, what's the American version of that? What's your... Oh, that would be... But he was saying to me it was rock and roll. Blue outer flip flop.

Da da da da da. Wasted away again at Margaritaville, is the closest thing we... No, he was going, it was one for the money, two for the show, three to get... That's American culture. Yeah, but that wasn't, that was like... But I mean it is, but it's also like... You ain't nothing but a... That's American culture. But that wasn't, that was like... I mean it is, but it's also like...

You ain't nothing but a... That's American culture, isn't it? The white culture? Well, I mean it is, it's stuff that happened, but it's really like... It's impossible to sit here and try to explain to you what this country is. Because you have the propaganda of what it is, and then you have the extreme views of what people think it is,

and then somewhere in there you have what it is. Which is indefinable and not one thing. It isn't. So like, there's a lot of people that look like all of that Elvis, Jerry Lee, Louis shit, and they'll be like, oh, you just took that from black people and da da da da da da. And it's like, influenced by black people, and then went in a completely from black people and da da da da da da. And it's like influenced by black people

and then went in a completely different direction and it sounds nothing like them. But the problem with white people is we don't give them credit. Had we given them credit, then people could look at Elvis more in a way of like, if you watch the Elvis story, like he is like the original,

like every single fucking mistake that musicians and performers try to avoid, they learned initially from a guy like him. He did every single one of them. He was a teen idol, he made the mistake of getting old, right? He didn't, and there was no roadmap on how to do that. He had a crooked manager. Yeah. He got involved in these stupid fucking movies he didn't want to do. He got involved in drugs. He married an underage, whatever, young chick. He fucking did a residency in Vegas, which is just the death of your career.

Yeah, yeah. You can only spend so much, so long out there before people just forget you. Yeah, they just forget you. What else? And then he got hooked on drugs, he got a fucking entourage, no one knew how to do an intervention, and this fucking guy dies on a toilet at 42. None of that needed to happen, but nobody knew.

And then the next generation, you watch Jimi Hendrix and, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Keith Moon, and then that's when they're starting to realize, like hey man, this stuff doesn't help your creativity. Yeah. You know?

And also there was a whole bunch of Starlets, I watch a bunch of old movies and I got this morbid thing where I'll watch and just see how much of the cast is still alive. I don't know why I do that. Like half me, I'm going IMDB. Oh, look at her, 96, still kicking. But the amount of people that died,

especially women, female actresses that died, female actresses, female actors, you're not supposed to say actress anymore because that's some big fucking insult. I just don't understand that. I'm not offended. Okay, you're not good. Actresses that died from like an accidental overdose because back then they don't understand that. I'm not offended. Okay, you're not good. Actresses that died from like an accidental overdose

because back then they didn't understand that, you know, they'd be like- What kind of drugs were they taking? They were downers. So they would just go in like, you know, look at you, get a hold of yourself, see? And they would give them- They're too hysterical.

Yeah, they'd give them like, by the way, they'd call it black beauties and volumes and shit like that and bring you down. And back then the level of drinking that was going on, which was also depressing. So if you took the wrong mixture of it, the amount of them that just died. Really?

I don't know why I'm laughing. But they died in their sleep because they didn't know what they were doing. Like the pharmaceutical side of it with the alcohol. And there wouldn't have been heavy women either, sure there wouldn't. There wouldn't be heavy women? No.

What, back then? No, no, no, they were waifed then. Yeah, so easy to overdose. Easy to overdose, yeah. Wow, that's amazing. Dark history. Oh, big yeah. Oh, this is like, we give you a run for your money.

So where does Bob Dylan? A run for your money. Two for the show. Two for the show. Where does Dylan then, as an archety archetype fit into all of that? Because he's not self-destructive, still going 83, you know, 200 shows a year. Where does he... I think like when people go, why is he still doing it?

I actually think that it's one of those things is like, I don't think young people understand retirement. Because it's something that I always looked at with envy. One of those things is like, I don't think young people understand retirement. Because it's something that I always looked at with envy. But now as I get older, it's like, okay, so I retire and then what? I just sit around waiting to die? I mean, and I really think that the reason why you hear it all the time

that somebody retires and then like three months later, they just fucking drop dead. In terms of comics now, do you know people who've retired? I remember meeting Jackie Mason on the street and he was like he was 77 and still doing it. And he was great too. An amazing comic, amazing. I had an old girlfriend on my birthday took me to go see him. Oh yeah. It was unbelievable. He was on I saw him in the late 90s. The rhythm was... He did like 40, 50 minutes and then took an intermission

and then came out and did another hour. And the only guy I saw do something like that was flaking on his name there, the great Scottish guy. Billy Connolly. Billy Connolly. And he had no intermission. Oh yeah. And he just was up there this I saw him in New York with my wife and was just this absolute spitting here absolute force of nature yeah he went up there big lions made a hair and he's a big guy, and he's got that big Scottish accent and everything,

and he was just telling all of these. Hello! Oh my God, oh my God. I was just like, just this sheer like, stage presence of him was making me laugh, like, not laugh at him, I was laughing at the fact that I thought I was doing the same job that he was doing.

So it's a different thing. So when I saw you in Dublin a few years ago, which was one of the best stand-up shows that I've ever seen, it was a phenomenally, it's a bulletproof hour. Okay, so it's kind of like- Tell that to the critics. Okay.

They can destroy me. But it's a kind of, it's a relentless, highly honed, just bang, but constant tension and release, tension and release. What Billy's thing is different. Billy goes out and there's, hello, there's no, he says, some of these stories go on and on and on, and you realize when I finished them that the punchline was at the beginning.

Yeah. So he's kind of, it's another, it's not the same thing as what you're doing, in the sense that there's a cultural difference there that may be, do you remember listening to Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall? It's the same thing. He's gone out, he's gone, he's talking about this,

he's talking about that, it's not, whereas stand up now, just seems to be a lot more bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Remember going to see Lucy Kay one time and a show with no fat on it is how you describe it. Just, boom, boom, boom. And just, Billy just comes from a different tradition of going on and on and long stories. So it's not that you're not able to do it. It's just it's a different...

The podcast. Well, I think it was... The podcast is that. What podcast? Your podcasts are just, what the fuck is this about? What the fuck is that about? Hey, fucking, are the Armenians of a church now? The fucking Armenians? The fuck, where are they from? Armenia?

What you're doing in the podcast is the same as what he's doing on stage. I'm limited. To? We're all limited. Yeah. To what are you limited? I just look at shit and I make fun of it.

I mean, there's really no formula to it. And especially if I see a bunch of people enjoying something that's like, oh, I gotta make fun of that just to annoy them. And then I just know as much as they're getting annoyed, I know there's an equal amount of people enjoying watching me annoy them. I'm saying to you, it's not a hundred miles away from what Billy's doing. And that's what I was talking about, the fluency of that thing of when you start talking, been able to find the next sentence, the next word,

and that it all has momentum. That's a wiring and it's a gift. It's actually, it's just more comfort. Because everybody does what I'm doing off stage. What it is is when you get on stage and there's a microphone, and holy shit, everybody's looking at me, and it's like, now do it.

I know a number of people that are unbelievable at impressions that aren't in the business, but if you put them on the spot, then no, no, no, I can't, I can't. And they get all in their head and they get all freaked out. Which I think, you know, that happened to me when I was early as a comedian,

not trying to figure out how to do it. I was just so freaked out I was on stage. But eventually, if you do it long enough, you get as comfortable on stage as you are off stage. So it just becomes like, you know, when I saw Billy Connolly, it was like, hello, it's like some guy walked into, like, your favorite guy, oh good, Billy's here.

And then it would like, you know, when your buddy comes walking into a bar, there's, okay man, let's go Tommy, let's give me something, it isn't. How was your day, bye bye bye, you know, when your buddy comes walking into a bar, they say, okay man, let's go Tommy, let's give me something. It isn't. How was your day? Bah, bah, bah, you're just shooting the shit. And then eventually, bam, the laugh comes.

And then people just start tagging shit on it and then it just gets bigger and bigger than you and all of your friends are laughing. So my thing I was working on was just trying to get as comfortable off stage, onstage as I was offstage. And are you there? Yes. That's a precious place.

Yeah. It really is. And I stay there unless I think why are they laughing? Because there's a lot of times, like I don't necessarily write jokes as much as I just say what I'm thinking about something. And then, I mean I know that I'm saying it in like a funny way, but it's like,

I'm not thinking like, set up punch, set up punch, set up punch, I'm thinking about the point I wanna make. And then how I wanna make it, and how I think I have to do it like, you know, I think a lot of times now, I just think crowds are more educated in comedy than they ever were because they post things on social media

and they get instant feedback. So they start to learn what plays and what doesn't. Like, in a way, it's kind of like everybody's in show business, so I find you have to disguise it. You gotta hide the left turn more than you had to. And are you aware of being...

Wait, I was supposed to be interviewing you here. Eventually. Alright. Are you aware of being. Wait, I was supposed to be interviewing you here. Eventually. All right. Are you aware of being informed? What is informing? Like in a good rhythm. Like, and I was talking to you. My life, my home life's in a good place,

so my act is in a good place. If that makes sense. Wow, so here's another thing. What's the link between sex. Although I did piss off my wife before I came thing. What's the link between sex? Although I did piss off my wife before I came here. What's the link between sex and creativity? So I was reading this thing recently and it was saying that,

do you know sometimes, like I remember once, I just met this girl, we just started having. Just started fucking. Having loads of sex. I love your accent too. Like there was, as an old man said to me,

there was spunk flying all over the place. But there was, we were having loads of sex, right? And my standup was brilliant. And I remember William Butler Yeats, the poet. Well, puts you in a better mood. That's why Boxer's abstained. Is it just that? Is it just a mood thing? The dragon and nuts into the ring. What the fuck did I do with my water? Did you go get water? No. I guess we're going no water here. All right. But William Butler Yeats,

the great Irish poet, when he hit 60s... He stayed. He didn't go to France like those fucking Earls of poetry. He was one of the first guys that got this thing called a Steiner operation, which was highly unusual in the 1930s, where he could get an erection. So he was so tied in to the horn and the poem that there'd been a connection between the erection and the finished product that he went as far as to have an operation. To make his dick hard the whole time? Or something, I don't know. I don't know how it worked. This sounds like one of those fairy tales you guys tell. Really? No it's not.

So I'm curious as to- There once was a guy from Kilkenny who got fed up taking Bennys. He gave the doctor a penny, he fixed his fucking Lenny, now he fucks every chick on the block. That's not good, that's not good. We're working it out.

We're working it out. When it was so bad, it was good. We're working it out, we're working it out. It was so bad it was good. Yeah, there was an old man from Kilkenny wondering why he wasn't getting any. No, leave it's gone. Oh that's good, wondering why he wasn't getting any. He wasn't getting any.

He phoned up the doc, he said take a look at my cock and... I was gonna go go he thought it was cuz he was poor but his dick was staring at the floor and now it salutes the flag something like that anyway I'm asking you like a lost the link between orgasm and work and it in a I don't know if it's the same for black mechanics and stuff like that but in the creative arts I think't know if it's the same for black mechanics and stuff like that, but in the creative arts, I think there's a connection between the constant flow

of semen and producing good work. I'm just throwing it out there. Is it? Yeah, as that old guy said, just spunk all over the room. Just spunking up all over the place. Yeah, but why, you know what it is, but also the need for human connection, because then, which you could actually do to streamline your life, is become single and just jerk off in the

morning and then all this creativity would come, but the fact, no, the fact that you don't have, you need that human connection, the ego needs you to understand that you're still fuckable. Or some chakra opens, or something. But that's interesting, when I asked you, you said, well my home life is good, so my work is going well. And I think there's interesting, when I asked you, you said, well my home life is good, so my work is going well. I think there's a connection. I think when you're making love to your lady a lot, that's loads, but you know, enough, enough times.

When you're making love to your lady. Dad, I'm not Jamaican, man. When you put it through the beef curtains, or whatever. And you know, that's- I didn't say I could do accents. A chakra or something opens and it it it makes you more playful. Are you teaching a yoga class now? Like what is going on here?

What am I confusing you? No, but I like that you went there. Yeah, well, that you thought you were so elevated that I was over here just in this fucking just dark closet of what is he talking about? That's what I think. I think that, you know, that... So, okay, well then, I gotta ask the obvious question. How is your creativity these days? Sounds good.

Sounds good. I'm not great at the minute. That's okay. I've found something that's been helping me with my anger, although I am regressing a little bit, but I am fighting it tooth and nail. So I saw this thing, I've been talking about this on the podcast because I think that there's you know there's a lot of angry guys that listen to my podcast and they relate to me because of

my issues but like if if and then they relate that I'm trying to work on it. And then there's other ones, oh you're 40 or 10 years ago like that the fucking townies like that don't move on with your life, stay the way you are. I saw this thing from George St. Pierre, the Hall of Fame UFC fighter, yeah. He was just talking about road rage and he was saying that when you feel it coming on,

do a big inhale and then an exhale, and I'm thinking like, all right, this is just some fuckin' yoga shit, right? And then he goes and then smile after. Yes. Forces? Exactly. You force it.

No, not like that, that's pain. Dude. Ha ha ha. You look like a friend of yours was about ready to do the worst joke ever on a huge night. You just went like, oh, dude. No, you smile. You go, just a big smile, and it's bizarre,

because it releases this something in your brain, and then, yeah, exactly. It's the last thing you do if you were angry is break into this big smile of joy, and then what it does, for me anyways, it makes me feel silly. I look at myself at how silly I am Like today I went to the gym and I pull in and there's no parking spots and I had like a fucking mini meltdown

Going it's like I get it. There's no public transportation. So you should make some fucking parkings, but I Started smiling I was just like and I just started thinking about how my window was down and my voice was echoing in the parking garage and people heard it They had no idea why I was mad and I just was always able to get outside myself And just see how funny and stupid ridiculous I looked it's such a hard thing to deal with Danger because you it's it's like you're in the middle of it before you know That it's even started. It. You're in the full flush. Yeah, that's if you have the hair trigger Irish. Because you guys, I think I'm wired like you guys,

where I go from zero to through the fucking roof, and by the time I look down and see my house disappearing is when I realize that I've lost my temper and it's too late and there's already people looking. It's fucking hard, man. I'm not done. It's an embarrassment. I am an embarrassment.

Ha ha ha ha. And then afterwards is a shame then and just, and you're kind of, oh, why can't I have more control over myself, what the fuck is wrong with me? And then I saw my wife, oh, she's gonna fucking hold this over my head. And then you get mad about that. Self-loathing, yeah. Yeah, why can't I have more control over myself? What the fuck is wrong with me? That's hard. And then also my wife's gonna, oh, she's gonna fucking hold this over my head. And then you get mad about that.

Oh, she fucking does this and that. And then you gotta be like, no. She's not holding it over your head. She's holding you accountable. You fucking idiot, right? So I read an interesting thing recently about all that kind of stuff, which is to do with opposites.

So it's talking about that for every feeling that you have, that there's a shadow feeling. So for joy, there's hate, for all that kind of stuff. And if you're feeling one and it's getting the better of you, just take time to acknowledge the other. And maybe the smile has something got to do with it. So when you're feeling angry, and thank God, okay, it sits in the car, there's nobody else around,

thank fuck no one else is getting a whippin' because of whatever flush is going through you. So thank God for that. But you feel it, and then what people are suggesting is, you feel it, and then you acknowledge your joy. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to be joyful. You just have to go, I'm really angry, but I'm just gonna put my thumb up against the window here

to acknowledge the fact that I am also at times joyful. And that in some- What is the thumb against the window? Just a gesture, it doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter what the gesture is. Can I ask you a question? How the fuck can you do that when you're losing your shit? Just stop and put your thumb on a window.

You've been able to do that? Like if I saw you lose your shit and then you walked over to the nearest window pane and put your thumb on it? No, but so I haven't done it with anger yet, but I've done it with stuff like, with envy. So I find myself in some kind of envy trip. Fuck! And somebody's bugging you because of their success. And what I just do is, I just say,

okay, I'm just going to acknowledge my generosity. I'm just going to just, whatever the thing is, it doesn't matter what it is, I'm just gonna acknowledge my generosity. I'm just gonna just, whatever the thing is, it doesn't matter what it is, I'm just gonna touch my nipple as an act of acknowledging my generosity. And it puts a microbeat between me and the envy, and it works. But I feel your thing with the anger.

I don't think I have it, I do have it, I'm bad. But I don't have it, you know, anyway. Yeah, that envy thing, that'll fucking eat you up. Totally. Eat you up in this. I'll tell you what's nuts is this. I don't like naming names and shit, but there's a comic over here.

He's young, he's good looking, he's crushing it. And like every, you know, a couple generations, yeah, you, muscles. Yeah. I don't like them. So, watching, once again, not like younger comics. I get that because they started out the same time.

So, you're young, you're gonna fall into that, comparison stuff. But watching older comics, having an issue with this person, just because they're successful. At the age I'm at, I've seen a few people like saying stuff or whatever, and I'm just looking at it going like, you're going to be that guy?

You're going to be that guy? It's like this guy is like 30 years younger than you are. Who, you know, be happy for him. He's bringing people to comedy. Like, what the f- have you even watched? Like, and then you watch the kid and he's funny. Like, I don't understand, like what the, have you even watched, and then you watch the kid and he's funny, like I don't understand, like, I understand it when you're younger,

to be looking at people and comparing and stuff like that, because you haven't lived enough life to understand that it's just like, you're gonna get what you're supposed to get. Nobody is taking anything away from you. You get what you get and just be happy for fucking everybody. And then also, like, you know, there's that funny thing

where like if somebody books something big, you know, it's very easy from afar to be like, ah fuck, I wish I got that. And then it's just like, then you get the gig and you're like, oh my god, I gotta, I have to do all of this fucking work? And then there in the gig, looking at you, sitting in a coffee shop in the morning

with no call time going, fuck, I wish I could go sit down and have some bacon and eggs, but I gotta be here at fucking four and five in the morning. So there's two things, right? First is that when, that's a generous thing, right? I'd say, well, that person is bringing happiness and let them have that and just be joyful. So what you have to do then is,

you have to acknowledge your envy. You're not feeling it in the same way you're not feeling your joy when you're being jealous, but you acknowledge your envy, and you just, same thing, just pinch your nipple. Well, I don't have it, I don't have that. And to acknowledge the dark side. And also, I think it's easier.

I'm envious of people that live on the fucking, like middle of nowhere. It's easier when you're successful. That's what I'm envious of. People who live in the middle of nowhere. Middle of nowhere, I'm envious of them. Like in Death Valley or somewhere, like in a caravan. In a town they've just invented. No, just like somebody that can fucking pull

into a driveway and open their fucking car door and it doesn't bump into something else. They actually have space. At this point in my life, I don't give a fuck about this business. That's what I look at. But I don't have like you, motherfucker, with your fucking semi-circle driveway. I don't do that. I just look at that and I go, look at that.

That guy has got the world by the balls. I hope he appreci do that. I just look at that and I look, oh look at that, that guy has got the world by the balls. I hope he appreciates that. He could have as many fucking cars as he wanted to. He could still go in and go out. Can you describe this place to me? Is it like? There's a bunch of old houses in Los Angeles and when they were built,

the driveways are built for fucking Model T Fords. Where you sat shoulder to shoulder and they didn't have horse tranquilizers or whatever the fuck this stick horse tranquilizer, whatever, horse DNA, whatever they're doing to our food. You sat shoulder to shoulder and you sat inside the fucking wheels, inside the wheels. So that's what they, ooh, got that, that's what the driveways are and now they make these fucking giant goddamn cars.

They're fucking gigantic. You sit so low in them, you can't see the lines. I used to be good at parking. I can't fucking park anymore. You have a big car, man. All that truck, yeah. Yeah, that's big. I know, I'm not a speed guy. I like trucks.

I never grew out of that. You know when you were a little kid and you saw a big fucking garbage truck? When I was a kid, I thought the guy that hung on the back. Oh, the best job in the world, man. Best job in the fucking world. Fucking rubbish into the back. Dude, they were hilarious.

And they would see us and the guy would grab you and pretend to throw you in the back. And all of, you know, back when you could just pick a kid up and everybody was like, that's all right. And you'd be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, and they would all just be laughing. Yeah, yeah.

And they'd say, see you later, and then they would just, they would. Real men, like, they were physically strong, they were confident. Oh yeah. They'd pick up shit, yeah, lovely. Yeah, fucking tattoo, back when that meant something, long hair and shit.

Yeah, I looked at all of the, the guy who drove, the milkman. Really, the milkman? The milkman, he came in, he had a, it looked like a big, like almost a panel truck, but it was gigantic. Two wheels in the back, so it was like a six-wheel truck, and he would come in, and they just had the big sliding door, and he would just open it up, and he would put the milk down and grab the fucking empties and... So tell me about this dream of isolation, this fantasy about living in a place where

you have loads of room. Do you mean like out in the middle of nowhere? Like in the mountains or? Yeah. And where you can just drive, have your arm out the window and just not be constantly dealing with... Is it a ranch like? Yeah, it's something like that.

It's all like, it's like... Who's at home? Nobody. Nobody's at home? It's sort of me. In the fantasy, my family is there, but I don't see them. Ha ha ha ha ha! I usually, there's usually these feelings come, the busier I get is the more thing that I think.

You're like the woman in Castaway that Tom Hanks delivers the letter to in the end and they have lingering eye contact. Remember he comes through a big crossroads. Remember there was a letter. Oh he came back and his woman was married. But then maybe he kept a letter from the island and he found this woman at this crossroads in the middle of nowhere. Is that the type of thing? You're not getting that image. No. No, so just a vastness.

Yeah, and then I have like, I have some animals, you know, like that I would love to- A giraffe or something. No, I would love to have a horse and never ride it. And just be like, dude, just go be a fucking horse. A horse you never ride, a horse and never ride it. And just be like, dude, just go be a fucking horse. Horse you never ride, wife you never see. Exactly. Just be, dude, I just saw this person rescued a cow from a dairy farm.

The thing was jumping around like a fucking puppy, right? Having a great time and shit. And I just think like, that would be just a great thing to see and then see it every morning. Like, what's going on? And just be around a happy cow that's psyched that it's not hooked up to a machine. What it really is, is I find this period of history that we're going through right now

to be just hurtling out of control and the, it used to just be, you just had to deal with the psychos on TV. But now the general population and bots just throwing just gas on this fire that just keeps going. I gotta tell you, the best thing that's happened to this country in the last six months is that fucking idiot missed when he shot at Donald Trump. If that dude, the level of fucking chaos that that would have created and conspiracy theory and all of that, like that was, it's, you know, I kind of feel like when you were talking about like stand up, like tension and release,

tension and release, tension and release, these psychos that run shit, you know, they build up this tension and tension and tension and then like it causes these big events to happen, and then for some reason, the more misery we feel, like that's like the opportunity for them. Where do you encounter this boiling? When I look at the comments section on videos.

The fuck? S-T-O-P, what the fuck? You don't... I'm trying, dude. It's fun. It's designed to be addictive and it's got me. It's got its fucking hooks in me. It's funny, my daughter gets on me about my cigar smoking.

She should get on me about being on fucking Instagram. Because I saw this one, this fucking guy, they were just showing this giant, ridiculous fucking penthouse thing in New York, and somebody posted the video of it. And what was depressing was the way people looked at it. They were looking at it like, imagine leaving your keys on the top floor,

imagine looking for your kids, blah, blah, and rather than being like, imagine what you would have to do to be able to afford that. Like how many people would have to live here for you to live like that? Which is something that is a hard thing to growing up in this country because,

you know, like. So the way it's educated, you just get a bunch of stuff and you have a bunch of stuff and you're gonna feel good. Like we used to, like one of the big games in our country was literally Monopoly. Yeah, yeah. And the winner, like you've made all of your fucking family members homeless

and they couldn't afford the hotels you had on Park Place or Boardwalk. And then you won by having everything. Yeah. And put everybody out of business. So it was getting you into that mindset of like, I don't think it was like on purpose. I just think it was like, the individual is more important than the tribe. That's what I get. Yeah, like I saw this fucking jerk off with this real estate agent was showing this other apartment in New York.

Like that's like a thing that we do in this country. I don't have to do it. I go on Zillow, and one of my favorite things to do is like, what's your price point? It's like nine zillion dollars to fucking fifty zillion dollars and just to see what it is. So I ended up in this New York thing and this guy was sitting there going, he was blown away by this stupid penthouse apartment way the fuck up top and he was just going to be

up here living above sound is what he said. And it was just, and he just. And he looked at him, and his fucking manicured face, and his whole HD Instagram, fucking not a hair out of place. And you looked at him, and it's like, dude, you look like you live there. When did the real estate agent start looking

like a model and everything? The whole thing is just... You must enjoy it on some level though, being annoyed by these people. No, what it is is I get material out of it, but I'm going to the funny videos that people have. Look, among for the funny videos, the cool cars, the motorcycles, the drum videos of some insane musician, that's what I'm there for. But like, you know, the cool movie,

there is a ton of cool shit on Instagram, but I do find myself, like when I used to drink, being like, all right, this is it, this is the last one, I do find myself on Instagram going like, you know, your wife is right here, why don't you put the phone down? And I was like, I'm just gonna watch one more video, and then like, it just keeps going, so.

I like a cigar as well. Oh, God bless you. Deluviate. Yeah, it's solitude, I like the solitude of it. I don't like when I'm doing it every day, because then I just feel like I'm a degenerate, but like. It's lovely, and do you have a room or a shed that you're allowed smoking?

Yeah, my wife doesn't care that I smoke. In the house? You don't stink every single time? Yeah, well she's the beneficiary of my life insurance. Happy birthday, Bill. Smoke it up, Bill! It's the big ones. No.

They're lovely. And I love, I tried smoking a pipe as well, but the plastic in my mouth, but the soft fleshy thing in your mouth is. It's very phallic. Well I don't know what it is. And then you're in show business, which means literally or figuratively,

you've had to suck dick to get where you're at, so it kind of works. You know, I liked about a pipe, and I still do, I like the ritual, I like the whole, I love the smell of the tobacco. That's beautiful, yeah, yeah. Tamping it down, trying to keep it going. Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Yeah, I will say this, Ireland's the perfect place,

like one of those fucking misty mornings with your jumper, just sitting out there, arrr. Looks like. You know, my favorite thing about Scotland is is they don't say yes, they say aye. And they sound like pirates. It's my favorite thing about Scotland is they don't say yes, they say aye. And they sound like pirates. It's my favorite thing ever. And it doesn't sound ridiculous.

It doesn't sound ironic. Like they fucking sound like men. Like goddamn, these guys are like, you go to Scotland and you're like, I don't think I would fight anybody here. You know? They seem like they lead with a headbutt to your fucking teeth at your nose or something. It's just like, all right.

Does your mood drop out? Like I find with a cigar that I would take a big mug of coffee, cigar, and I go down to the shed and I have the door open. So I'm looking at it and kind of trees and stuff like that. While I'm smoking the cigar, I'm blissful. Oh, it's incredible. Like I don't know what, I'm being buffeted in some way my spirit has been held and it's just fucking lovely and then I would say about

an hour maybe 40 minutes after the cigar I feel a bit cheap and nasty. Do you have the same thing or is there? No it is when I'm getting towards the end of the cigar, I get sad. Yeah. I'm like, oh, it's ending. I have to go back and face my life. It's true. I can't look at the cow frolicking anymore. That's so sad. It is, it is, but you should then put your thumb on your nipple and be like, I had that moment. Acknowledge my happiness.

Pinch, squeeze. I acknowledge that I am at my happiest when I am completely alone, not interacting with anybody. I sometimes try and write ideas when I smoke. They never work, and nothing I've ever written has ever made it onto the stage, but do you find that thing of...

When I'm doing a roast. Oh, right, okay. What I do is I sit on my back porch and I light a cigar and then I just sit there and it just, I don't know what happens, it just starts falling like rain. Oh it's lovely. Falling like rain and I'm just writing

these fucking things down. Like I remember, you know I've written for some people, like people that aren't comedians or whatever. Yeah. And you know which is weird because you gotta like get it in their voice Some people, like people that aren't comedians or whatever. Which is weird, because you gotta like get it in their voice, and then your stuff have to find what their wheelhouse is. Some people are like, listen man,

I just wanna be self-deprecating. So it's like, okay, I gotta do that. Whatever. So it's usually the first batch of jokes where you see what they like, what they don't like, where you start to hone in. But like, my favorite thing about doing that is, like I never thought, you know,

after all these years of writing for myself, that I could get excited about writing for somebody else and seeing them do the joke, but I did. I felt like the same level of excitement. You felt like you were like helping somebody. Do you have to like them? Like it's my good deal. Oh, yeah, 100% I like them.

I would never write for somebody I didn't like. I would just say I wasn't available. Not available. Ever. Bill's out at his magical ranch in his head. With his happy cow. No, I, well, one of my favorite things is we wrote one time for this one guy and I got Verzi and Bartnik, two of my buddies,

and it was sports related, so we were writing all of this stuff. And we knew what the guy's wheelhouse was, but with each batch we would send one that was way out of it just to make him laugh. And that was like, that became the game. It was like, all right, let's write all this shit that the person can do on TV,

and then let's just send one here that would just burn his career down or whatever. And he loved it. He thought it was so funny. He's like, I can't do this. And I told him, I said, I know, we're doing those jokes for us and for you because it's an arduous process sitting there.

But if I have to do, like I had to do something recently for an athlete that was retiring. And that's what I, and of course I had months to do it and I waited until the afternoon of. And you're writing stuff that he's gonna say. No, I had to write the shit that I was gonna say.

Oh, for him, okay. Yeah, so it was something for this football team, the Patriots, and they had all these pictures, and it was Tom Brady with all of these celebrities. So the first thing you do is you write, well, you make in front of the celebrity in there. And I hate doing that because it's like, the other famous person isn't there,

so now I'm just taking pot shots and now it seems like I don't like this person and now I got beef with fucking Donnie Osmond or some shit, right? So I don't know why I said him. So I, at first was frustrated, but I was smoking the cigar. At least I'm smoking a cigar, I'm having a good time.

And... What do you drink when you're smoking a cigar, I'm having a good time. And, um. What do you drink when you're smoking a cigar? Coffee. Oh, that's lovely. Occasionally, there was a time where if I had a really harsh, heavier cigar, I would go with a soda. Like the sugar with the smoke. This crazy guy in Calgary taught me that.

Because these fucking guys, they have a cigar and a smoky scotch. He goes, it's redundant. You should go the opposite way, and he had this cake or something. He had the way. That's how he's, we eat handful of M&M's, handful. It's one of the best Cuban cigars I've ever had. Like we're at the fucking movies.

So, yeah, this angle came to me, and I just sort of went with that, and it worked. That's lovely. And it worked perfectly. And I wrote them all clean, because I knew that there was gonna, I said shit one time, I did fuck up,

but like, and one of the people was John Bon Jovi, and he was there. And I did the joke about him in Tom, but I made, it was a complimentary joke where I was talking about how he tried to buy the Buffalo Bills and how he dodged a bullet because now he doesn't have to live in Buffalo. It was a very simple thing.

But when I got off the stage, I was so proud as a comic because I went up to him and he had a big grin on his face. And he loved the joke and everything. And it was like where the younger me would have, when I was in my fucking, dude, I can't tell you the amount of times, if I ever went back and looked at my shit, like my shit was this when I started,

and now it's more this and this, which I like way better. I like being in that thing way, I mean, I I like way better. I like being in that thing way better. I mean, I definitely do this stuff. But, you know, had I got that gig 10 years ago, I would have made a younger comedian mistake of, you know, going after these fucking people who aren't gonna get a chance to get me back.

And I learned that the hard way. One time I did a roast and I made, you know, I was going on late, there was nothing left. So I was like, fuck, and I just, you know, made this joke, which I didn't think was a big deal, but it was about a comic who not only was not on the dais, was not at the roast, and then he got really mad at me. And I was like, no, I was just joking, blah, blah, blah,

and he was like, dude, I'm not fucking there, what the fuck are you saying that? And then I just had to be like, all right, you know what, you're right, I didn't think of that, I didn't think of that. That isn't cool. And then I was like really embarrassed because I didn't like this guy not liking me now.

And then also, stand-up comedy is like the only thing I'm really good at, so to like to actually fuck up that bad and then also annoy, annoy a peer. You didn't fuck up. You just told the, you just didn't... Annoy appear, you know. You didn't fuck up, you just told the... You just didn't like the consequences of telling a good joke in that particular place. That's not fucking up, that's just bad.

Not bad, it's just consequential management. You just didn't like the consequences of it. But why do you do those things, those roasted things? Oh, I can't stand doing, like I... Well, they've gone like mainstream now and but what's funny is they've evolved into this thing that they're not roasts anymore. It's just sort of like it used to be like the fact that I know you and how long I've known you if I did a roast, like, no matter what I said, you would hear the love that I have for you.

And the problem is that these roasts blew up, which is a good thing, but they became like these money-making things. So they just keep having them and having them and having them, and they just, you go on there as a hired gun. Sure. And you're roasting somebody that you don't know. And then you're also sitting there, and there's an unbelievable amount of pressure

on comedians when they're doing roasts. Okay, you're going first, you gotta like take the beach as they say. There's a pressure in that. And then there's, with each person that goes on and every joke that is told, and you have no idea what other people are gonna say, you might have some, like you're losing jokes.

And then it becomes like, oh my God, somebody said that. How the fuck do I top that? So then like the burner starts, the flame starts coming up. And by the time you get late into the roast, it's just, it's just mean for means sake. Yeah, so is it a good comic test or is it entirely unnecessary?

No, I think it's great. Cause tests are good. No, it's a great exercise as a comic to do it, like talking to comedians and you know, and I like seeing when they come down to the store and I'll see them like running their stuff for the roast and everything and there's like a discipline to it and all of that. What I'm saying, what's missing for them, it's not like an old guy talking about today's kids with their music. What's missing in roast today, for me, it's not like an old guy talking about today's kids with their music, what's missing in Roast today for me is the fun. Sure. Dean Martin laughing. Yeah, the person getting roasted, having a good time. As opposed to now, it's like, well, I think the comics are having a good time and they're all laughing supporting each other but it's like um, I

Don't know. It's it's definitely It's like anything like music, you know There'll be a new style that everybody loves and then it just gets done to death and it needs to kind of come back So I would say it I'm not saying roasts are bad What I'm saying is they it would be nice if it kind of came back a little to like You know, I actually have an ounce of respect for the person that I am roasting. And I think it's also, it's a more fun place to write a job.

I feel it's more difficult to, you know, I guess kind of do both. To say something really mean, but you see me laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And really like, you know, you can see that we're going to hang out after where you'll be like, oh, you fucking asshole. That was great. And then also what's great is, you know, what I do like about a roast is then you go, you go you to get up there because I feel like when I've done roasts like that, like when I when we roasted Patrice back in the day, we loved them.

Yeah, yeah, of course. And then the fun thing was, was as you were saying all of this shit up to Patrice, you're almost like giddy going, oh my God, what is he gonna say to me? Because he's gotta beat that. Yeah, yeah. And of course he did.

And then there was all of that, you know, it was like an honor to be thought of enough back then that someone would make a joke about you, because it was a way of saying I care about you. We're somewhere along the line. And I'm not talking about like, I'm not even talking about this generation.

Like I'm talking about literally 20 years ago when I sat on the roast, I'm not gonna say for who, but it was this famous guy and he wasn't well liked and no celebrities showed up so they just had a who's who of who isn't. Who wasn't. Who wasn't, yeah, I went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom on that roast and it was at the Fryers and this guy was

in the urinal next to me talking to some other guy. He goes, Jesus Christ, he goes, how about this turnout? He goes, oh my God, have you seen that dais? And like, I was such an unknown, like I would be like, yes, and I am one of the fucking idiots on it. And I just remember like, everyone went up there and just ripped on the guy for being an asshole. And because that was his reputation,

that's all you knew, but you didn't know him. And then the best guy on the roast was someone that actually knew him, did a movie with him or something, and that was the only time I saw him laugh. And then when he went up at the end of the roast, it was fucking brutal. He was standing up there going like,

I mean, I don't even know who most of these people are, and I guess the things that they're saying are true. It was just like, oh God. Dude, it was fucking, it was awful. Where'd you get your cigars from? Could you guys get Cuban cigars here? Two guys. It's stupid.

Yeah, so Nicaraguan or Dominican. Can I tell you something? The amount of guys that think they have Cuban cigars that don't, and I never have the heart to tell them. You know it when you light it. I always, when I light a Cuban cigar and it's real, I always say this, as I'm lighting. That's a big fucking cigar.

As I'm, I don't, oh you know, I'm a size queen. So, but you gotta hold it a little away from it, alright? Yeah, I know, but it's still big, man. Yeah, so you're fucking, oh yeah, the big of the gauge, I'm talking like this. That first puff in, I always, without even thinking, I always say, oh my god. Yeah, it's lovely. I have not said that since I was in Tel Aviv, which was years ago. Years ago. And I went to some bootleg fucking' 7-Eleven lookin' place in Jaffa, and they said that they,

I go, you got Cubans? They go, yeah, I go, all right. That great Israeli-Cuban alliance we've all been hearing about for years. Well, my theory is, because there's fake ones at Ireland, there's just this little patch of grass. It's not even all the Cuba, there's this one little longitude latitude

that has to supply the whole world. So you feel it, after to dictators and prime ministers and presidents and fucking super models and all of these fuck, all the upper echelon people get them. You know, some shit joke, comic. Well, I'll tell you a story now. So in Ireland. I go to Cuban Seed, by the way.

That's where I go in LA. All right, okay. Everybody knows everybody in Ireland. So, I am good friends with the president of Ireland. And in the 70s and 80s, he spent a lot of time in Central America and South America. He's a left-wing politician. And he made great friends with the Castros.

And he, my friend, the president used to smoke cigars and when he got elected president he'd given them up but the Castros used to send him a box of cigars every year and he... You still know this guy? Right. And he, he had stopped smoking but was very grateful so he used to share them out. And one time he gave me a stash of cigars sent over by Raúl Castro.

Is that his son or something? His brother, Fidel's brother. Oh my God. I still have the box and it says from the personal stash of Raúl Castro I remember just sitting down and it's so beautiful isn't it's like it was great so they're the most beautiful cigars I've ever smoked in my life. They were amazing. Did you cry in the end? Did you write a song about it? Did you go down to the pub and sing it?

No, you're the first person I've told, actually. I didn't want to, but beautiful. And do you worry about mouth ulcers and? Yeah, I do. And throat cancer. Yes. But we cancer. Yes. But we shall not stop. No, my daughter told me to stop.

All right, well, let's mind her. What does she know? She's not a doctor, she's seven years old. Yeah, but they're beautiful, so yeah. How often do you smoke? I try to smoke one every day, but I can't really because I'm not at home every day, but every day that I'm home, I try to smoke one every day. But I can't really because I'm not at home every day. But every day that I'm home I try to smoke one.

I go down to the shed, drop the kids to school. I'm down to the shed at about 10 past nine. No, you say down to the shed, just for my own. How far away is this from your house? It's about 50 yards at the bottom of the garden. Oh, the bottom of the garden. What do you grow? What do I grow? It's just grass, wild flowers. We let it grow naturally. It's down. At the bottom of the garden, what do you grow? What do I grow?

It's just grass, wild flowers. We let it grow naturally. So we don't cut the grass anymore. We just kinda let it go crazy. That's good for bees. So I go down quarter past nine, I have like a big thing of coffee, and I have a notebook and a cigar,

and the door open, even in the rain, it's totally fine. I just feel. This is fucking one of the most beautiful descriptions of anything ever. So I'm a big fan. I do sometimes feel bad about the price of them. I would book a gig in Ireland just to do that with you. Oh man, that'd be great.

Come down and share with me. From Raúl's personal stash. I do feel a bit odd about the price of them. So if you go into a cigar place and you see a nice one and it's like, say 70 euro, which is maybe, I'll say $100 or something for a cigar, and you're thinking, okay, I can afford to buy some of these, but is it a bit wanky?

Do you know what I mean? Am I a bit of a fucking idiot, spending 70 quid on a fucking 45. If it's real. But it's also like you don't wanna do it all the time. That's one of the things that these super rich people, there's like a boredom. They're like, you just, next thing you know,

you're walking around your house with like a bottle of Johnny Walker blue that used to be for special occasions. In order for blue to taste good, you gotta be drinking black most of the time. Or whatever, whatever, whatever. I know I'm getting into booze thing here, but I'm gonna offend you.

Because I know how seriously you guys. I stopped drinking. Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago? What happened? I just found that during the day, I was getting, I didn't have a problem with myself when I was drunk.

I'm a nice drunk. I'm a happy drunk. Yeah, especially a Guinness drunk. A whiskey drunk I can get a bit silent and moody but. Little surly. Yeah, surly boy. That's a good name for a special. Surly boy, I love that.

But with the Guinness, I'm very gracious and funny and chatty and stuff. I didn't have a problem with that. But it's hard to have a problem with the following day and the fucking anxiety and fear and paranoia. What did I do, what did I say, right? Yeah. Because it's weird, because you go to bed,

but your body keeps walking around talking to people when you black out, I mean, that's fucking nuts. But even not to the point of blacking out, even just that your central nervous system is compromised because you're pouring whiskey on it. I used to drink every night. Every night you're pouring whiskey on yourself, and it's kind of, it feels lovely.

The first few mouthfuls of whiskey are like, they're heavenly. But then the next day, you're kinda going, why am I, why am I worried? You know what's funny about us? The way we describe our vices, if we ever did like an AA meeting, I think half the class would start drinking. Like just the way you describe, oh the first couple of, it's fucking lovely. And I was just like, I could almost taste it, like, oh. You paint a picture, Tom. But it is beautiful. Where can people see you? Because we've, we've, we've been out. We're done, okay. You paint a picture, Tom. But it is beautiful. Where can people see you?

Because we've been talking for like an hour. And I had no idea you smoked cigars. See, just when I thought there was everything I knew to love about you. And by the way, this guy is an unbelievable fucking comedian, and there's a reason why he travels to other countries. You definitely gotta go see him.

Where can they see you? So I'm gonna be doing the US and Canada October, November. October, November. So go to TommyTiernan.ie and all the dates are there. How do you spell your last name for a listener? T-I-E-R-N-A-N. Okay, check that out, and I gotta tell you, the cigars up in Canada are garbage.

Oh really? Oh, they're garbage. They're garbage, and they fucking sit there and act like they have Cuban cigars, they don't. First of all, they're garbage. They're garbage and they fucking sit there and act like they have Cuban cigars they don't. First of all, they're so strict up there they covered the band up. Although I was in Winnipeg and I went to a good cigar bar. They had a good cigar bar.

I don't know if you go to Winnipeg. I'm not sure, but we should smoke a cigar sometime but that'd be great. We 100% should. That'd be great. With a big, what kind of coffee do you drink? You just drink drip straight ahead or you? No I. What kind of coffee do you drink? Do you just drink drip straight ahead?

No, I do that thing where you put the water here and the coffee here and then you boil it up into the pot. Oh yeah, that little Italian thing. Somebody gave me one of those when I did a gig in Springfield, Massachusetts and my wife now calls it Marco. So she will make me some coffee. Like if she sees I'm a little fucking on edge. She goes, you know what I'm gonna do?

She goes, I'm gonna go talk to Marco. Well I'm a ginger, so I have weird reactions to shit. The coffee kinda calms you down a little bit. I could fucking drink a pot of coffee and sleep eight straight hours, dream about daffodils in your garden. Pinching a boo. Ha ha ha!

Tom McTarran, everybody! One of my favorites. I'm so happy you're over here. Please go see him in October, November. He's gonna be touring the U.S. and Canada, all of North America, with your new hour. Does it got a name? The Surly Boy! It's called, uh, Temedian.

Temedian. Temedian! See what he did there? I love it! That's a good one. I see you combined words, you sewed it together like a Nazi doctor. Really? Yeah. Alright, that's it. This has been the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday. Monday morning podcast. Thank you so much for listening.

And, uh, go see Tommy in October, November here in North America I'm gonna get right here for you What you wanna do, baby Don't talk to me like you do The ladies don't love me They don't talk to me like you do Hey, what's going on? What's going on, Jim? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 22, 2016. What's going on? How are ya? Nia, what's going on with the asses on these fucking divers? Huh? What? You got it on fucking

TV? I'm supposed to ignore that? There's no reason the suits have to be cut like that. So obviously, I mean, they want to show their asses. Huh? Maybe it creates less of a splash if the bottom of your bathing suit is up over your ass cheek I have no idea is this synchronized diving Did I ever tell you how much I don't like synchronized shit near? synchronized swimming is both unbelievably difficult and the stupidest fucking thing

human beings engaging stupidest fucking thing human beings engage in. Huh? When they come up out of the water and they do the dumb shit and they got the song playing. Is that athletic? Sure. I mean, yeah, I mean, then dancing is athletic. Right.

Which I would agree with, but it's not a sport. Dancing in the water. It's dancing in the water. You're in the water. The Olympic Committee has decided that it's a sport. Yeah, but they've also gotten rid of baseball and shit. They've taken actual sports and been like, yeah, no. But then all of a sudden you show up and you and your friend get in the water and you're

like, five, six, seven, eight, Charleston, Charleston, woo-woo--hoo boo-boo boo-boo right and all of a sudden that's a sport you can have your fucking headphones off for the on this whole thing you're not on the podcast so you're not participating so all those other times when you wanted to participate you want to talk Conor McGregor Nate Diaz we both didn't see it you You know why? Because we try to be honest when it comes to downloading shit We were here say night the fucking fight didn't first of all didn't come on to like four in the morning or something Italy time three in the morning and I Actually searched how to legally watch

The UFC on the internet and for the life of me I couldn't find a place. God knows there was 58 websites telling me how to do it illegally. I couldn't do that, right? What kind of an asshole would I be shitting on people for downloading my specials for free and then I watched Conor McGregor vs. Nate Diaz for free. So I've taped the fight but of course I went online and I had to see, I had to find out who won so congratulations to Conor McGregor and to Nate Diaz because I heard it was one of the one of the best UFC fights ever. Five fucking rounds and this is the conspiracy theorist and theorist in me.

You knew that if it was going to the judges, Conor McGregor was going to win. Okay? And I'm not shitting on Conor, I'm not shitting on Nate, I'm just saying. At the end of the fucking day, alright, UFC is show business. Alright? And there's no fucking way that after you made Back to the Future Part 1 and Back to the Future Part 2 and you see the ticket sales, you know everybody's gonna pay a ticket to Back to the Future Part 3. However, nobody's gonna fucking watch it if McFly wins the first fucking two times. Although he did! Didn't, hey Nia, did Marty McFly win the, they all have happy endings, right?

There's no Empire Strikes Back in the, um, Back to the Future. Nia? Nia? Huh? What? Take off your headphones. If you've got to be in the room, I'm going to interact with you. Yes.

What is it? There's, Marty McFly wins all of the Back to the Futures right there's no Empire Strikes Back one with it where the hello McFly guy the guy who knocks on his head. No does he ever win one? No. To justify part three? I don't know was that the one that was the wester? Yeah all All I'm saying is, Nia, you knew, okay, if it went to the judges, they gotta give it to Conor McGregor so they can justify fucking part three. Because if Nate wins the first two, what the fuck? Then Conor fights him again and then goes one and two. Uh-huh. Nate still wins two out of three. Right?

Sure, yeah. Exactly. Well, there you go. So you agree with me every once in a right? Sure, yeah, exactly. Well, there you go. So you agree with me every once in a while? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. What does that have to do with the future? As far as like, if I was watching the fight and it went to the cards,

it went to the judges, I'm sorry. Okay, and it was gonna be a decision. You have to think that they're gonna give it to Conor, so then it's one to one, so then they can fucking make more money on part three, right? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, all right.

I'm not, I'm being a douche right now because I didn't see the fight. I'm not trying to take anything away from Conor McGregor. How great was that press conference, by the way? Did you watch it? No. Oh, I love the press conference. First of all, Nate Diaz, one of the great fucking people

ever in a press conference. I love, that dude does not suffer fools. If you don't fight for a fucking living and you ask a dumb question, he's not gonna energy his way through it. He's just gonna let the question fucking die. Like when they ask those dumb questions going like, you know, we've been hearing things that Connor's going to be trying to keep it standing up. What do you think about that? Just pauses and goes, well, you know,

we'll, we'll see when the fight happens. And then that's it. I love that he does that to people. And I also hate the fact that I was talking to you about the other night that people think Nate Diaz There's like something wrong with them or that he's dumb or anything like that like that you could achieve You could become a champion and be stupid and people think it's all like fucking natural ability You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stop talking to you because I can clearly see you're looking at me You just put your sunglasses on so last day of our day of our vacation. You want to go outside? Alright, I'll see you later.

He also got busted smoking weed through a vaporizer or some shit. It isn't. After he just went through all that level of physical trauma, you know what I mean? That's probably the best thing he could have done, right? All right, do you need any help with that, Nia? Opening the door there? Because if you're gonna leave, I'd appreciate if you do it now. Oh Jesus. There you go. Yeah, you got to watch out for the for the curtain rod there. Yeah, you got to watch out for the for the curtain rod there

Because I felt like somebody hit me with a club Oh My god the other night let's stay focused here so, Nia. Sorry. Um... All these people that think Nate Diaz is dumb, you think... You're talking about how I hit my head and you laughed at me? After I get done saying that Nate Diaz is not fucking dumb, I hate people keep saying that. The guy is fucking hilarious. He's one of the greatest fighters of all fucking time. You don't become a champion just,

you know what it is in the end? There's two types of smart, okay? You got like book smart, which is respected. And then you got other people that are that fucking tap into the matrix and they can feel vibes and they have instinct and all that. And those fucking nerds who write all the newspapers, who are the journalists, those unathletic cunts, they're the ones who sit there, they can't read anybody, they'll walk up to a

fucking serial killer and have no idea, they're about ready to get the old fucking right there friend and get thrown into a trunk, right? I know, that killed me, that was that. Yeah. All my life I've seen amazing champions get labeled as that by fucking nerds who would strike out playing fucking kickball because they don't understand. They don't understand. They just don't fucking get it.

You know what I mean? I swear to God, this is why I respect all professional fighters. As I've said this before, you could literally tell a toddler what punch to throw at me. You could then tell me what punch the toddler was going to throw at me and I still couldn't slip it. I still, I don't get where you look. I don't know how the fuck you tell it's coming. The hand is quicker than the eye.

My head is the size of a Macy's Day fucking float. I get hit every fucking time, every fucking time. I remember growing up, like they used to think Ricky Henderson was dumb because he had a couple, every fucking time. I remember growing up, they used to think Ricky Henderson was dumb, because he had a couple of crazy fucking stories. He spoke about himself in the third person. Oh, by the way, he had more lead-off home runs than anybody in the history of baseball. More stolen bases than anybody in the history

of the baseball, the baseball, of baseball, sorry. Had a couple of fucking drinks already today. To the ability to lead off of first at a professional level read the picture Figure out his quirks his tell his timing whatever and decide when he's going to the plate when he isn't with a national audience Millions of people are watching during a fucking World Series to think that somebody can do that and they just think like oh It's just instinct. He's just born that way. Like, it's the same way people look at fucking,

I don't know, anything they don't understand. They just try to overly simplify it. I fucking love the press conference that Nate Diaz had and that Conor McGregor had. Both of their styles, Conor McGregor, obviously showing up late on purpose, trying to do some psych out thing. And then Nate's like, all right, you're obviously showing up late on purpose, trying to do some psych out thing and then Nate's like, all right, you're going to show up late, I'm

going to leave early. I already answered my questions, go fuck yourselves. Then they start throwing bottles of water at each other. All that was doing was selling the last fucking whatever, fucking 10 million pay per views that they needed. It was perfect. Both of them did a great fucking job. I'm actually gonna watch it when I get back on,

I fly back tomorrow. It's the end of the vacation. I can't wait to watch it. But I'm actually, this vacation has been so fucking amazing, but I'm ready to go back. I was ready to go back two days ago. There is a point when you're on vacation where you gotta take off the Mickey Mouse ears

and be like, all right, I need to function as a fucking human, a productive human being again. I gotta tell you, man, the greatest fucking time I've had in a while, the Amalfi Coast, I'm telling you, it's touristy as shit. It's fucking, there's a lot of bad food for Italy here because it's so fucking touristy. But if you go on the internet, you talk to some people, you find the good places. But I have to tell you, as far as scenery goes, it's, it

doesn't even look real and The other day we took a boat out to the island of Capri and I Don't know They pulled the boat over they let us swim in the Mediterranean Obviously something I'm terrified to do because I'm afraid of sharks But I finally believed them that there was no sharks. I had my swimming goggles every five seconds I would look underneath to see if there was a shark there as if I if I saw one I could somehow out swim it. I just that's the

part of swimming in a sea or an ocean that I cannot handle it's my head above the water not seeing what the fuck is coming at me you know? I reserve the right to at least see the shark coming at me so I can just scream underwater, fuck, you know? Maybe give it a little bit of a fucking, you know, a little fist bump, something to its fucking nose, whatever the hell you're supposed to do. Maybe feed it one arm as I come over the top and smash it with another.

I always felt like that's the move, like if an attack dog is coming at you. You just you feed the arm whatever arm you don't jerk off with and write with you feed them that arm. Just shove it right back into its fucking molars and then you come over the top you slam down on its neck as you fucking lift up its head and you snap its fucking neck, you know? It's just an idea, people. I don't pretend to understand things. So speaking of physical harm, the lovely Nia, last night she bent down to get something out of her bag and there's this little fucking ledge above it that she can stick like a couple of glasses and a bottle of water and she was underneath it bent down came up full speed and the corner of it hit the

fucking top of she hit the top of her head right on the corner of it like brutally hard and I gotta tell you I feel bad that she's not part of this fucking little story here see if I'll bring her in cuz I failed miserably as a human being Nia do you want to be in on this story of you hitting your head okay I okay I'm setting it up now, so anyways, she fucking hits her head. Like fucking bam. All right, sounded like somebody dropped a suitcase on the floor.

And then, I swear to God, she hit her head, she goes, ah, and she grabbed her head, and then I swear to God, she just started crying. Like a goddamn toddler and I have to be honest with you I Didn't know what the fuck to do. I Just got to the point near where you hit your head and you started crying like a toddler started crying like a toddler.

And- Why does it gotta be like a toddler? Cause that's what it reminded me of. It's like when a little kid, like if an adult hits their, you know, stubs their toe, hits their foot, it's god damn motherfucker. And then you blame your whole family. Get out of the living room.

You know, that's what you do. You started crying. I did. It was really painful. Like, bawling. Yeah. I was kind of surprised at myself. On a scale of one to five, five being the best. Five?

How would you rate my reaction to it? Oh, zero. I went in and I got you some tissues. This is what Bill did. I didn't know what to do. It freaked me out. I hit my head. Boom.

I was shocked at it first because it really did feel like someone had just come up and just walt me on the noggin. So I was shocked. Then the pain started kicking in and like it was really like it was like that little it was it was that was like that little it was it was that corner of that ledge and it went right into my scalp and I didn't know if I was bleeding or what and I I think yeah normally I'd be like like most people but it's just I don't know what happened just the floodgates open and it felt

better to cry than to pretend like it was just like, oh, like a nuisance, like it really, really hurt. So Bill's like, oh no, are you okay? So we're good so far. What else was I supposed to do? So we're good so far with that. Okay. And so I'm just sitting there crying and he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and he runs into the bathroom.

He doesn't even give me a tissue, and he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and he runs into the bathroom. He doesn't even give me a tissue, like a proper clean. He gets me toilet paper. Okay. If there is a choice between tissue paper and toilet paper to comfort someone, please find the Kleenex. It's softer. It's just, you know, it's a little thing, but it makes a big difference. It's a cut-a-pot. So then he starts wiping my face with the toilet paper. And he's rubbing it on my face. And he's wiping my chin.

He's doing like this U-s shape from my eye to the other eye using my chin as like to go between. So he's rubbing this fucking one ply toothed toilet paper back and forth across my chin. And he's going big tears, big tears. They were huge. And it's like, I've never seen anybody cry tears. What is that supposed to mean? Was it big tears, big tears? It wasn't like, oh baby, you know,

it was, he was just scraping my face with his toilet paper going big tears It was fucking it freaked me out It was the worst moment of comforting you've ever offered in your life Complete laws for what to do it was like you stopped being like a woman and you became like this two year old and it was just like BOOM and you were just like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I was just like I didn't know what to do. If we were at home

I would have got you a popsicle or something. Oh and then you said do you want some water? I'm like what the fuck does water have to do with anything right now? That's what my parents always did. If you hurt yourself and you cry they went and they got you water right out of the then you sat down then your face was all dry and salty they said I go back outside again that's it I spent most of my childhood outside that's what parents did all right get outside I get

kids you're driving me nuts get outside and you just sent him outside that's what you wanted to do with me in that moment you wanted to send me away so so you wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I just wanted you to stop fucking crying I don't mean that in a bad way, but it's just like to see another adult near Can you imagine if I ever hit my fucking head and started crying the way you did? I mean, what would you know what would be coming out of your mouth? I don't know I feel like a baby and I hold you to my chest or whatever and I'd rub your back You're full of shit if I fucking hit my head instead of crying like a little girl Was it really that like

It was like a little it was like a little We went stahp. I'm fucking stammering. He's stammering jacket. Yeah, I've known you for 12 years I've never seen you I've seen you like you see me cry before a couple times in the kitchen you fucking you cut yourself with a knife and even then you didn't cry as much That was like, you know, you had a balloon in the thing went off your wrist and floated up in the air There was just no comfort in you. It was yeah, I'm right. I'll admit not only did I drop the ball in that moment It's been 24 hours, and I still don't have a better approach It was so fucking bizarre don't ever do that again near all right

What do you talk the thing is the really sort of horrible thing about it the biggest? Injustice of it all the fact that you weren't able to comfort me, is that I was trying to plug in your fucking computer. Isn't that amazing? Isn't it amazing? I knew somehow it would come back to me and it'd be my fault that your dumbass ducked underneath a ledge and then lifted your head up. Ric Flair wouldn't have done it that hard to sell a fucking movie.

I didn't realize it was there. I was plugging in your computer and you had the audacity to be the worst comforting person in that moment ever. Scratching my face with that one ply toilet paper while saying big tears, big tears. What does that even mean? It was out in the outfield a little bit again. No batter, no batter. Big tears, big tears. Swing better! He just kept saying big tears over and over again. What did that mean?

You were just commenting on it. I didn't know what to do. I mean, you were crying at a fucking level. Like, I mean, I've been at funerals and seen people cry less than what the fuck you were doing. I didn't know what to do, okay? I'm sorry, you caught me off guard. Well, tell me, what am I supposed to say? Just give me a fucking blueprint.

You're just supposed to, like, you know, take me into your arms and, like, hold me and, like, you know, rub my back or something. That sounds like a commercial for one of those love songs like Time Life Presents. It doesn't seem like a real thing that people do to each other. I'm telling you that's what I would like. You asked me so I'm telling you what I would like. I'd like your sunglasses to not be so big. How about that? I'm channeling Jackie O on this trip. Jackie O, Jesus. Okay. Is my part of the podcast done?

I'm going back outside. Oh, can we talk about the lady at the airport? What lady? The fucking lady at the union meeting for the lady pilots. The New York Times? Article. Article about the lady pilots? The ladies.

We had zero fights. Ten days. High five. lady pilots? The ladies. We had zero fights. Ten days. High five. High five. Right? Zero fucking fights. We had one moment. We're down at the fucking pool.

Okay. Obviously, one of us wants to be there. One of us doesn't. Take a guess who doesn't want to be in the blazing fucking sun? Me. So I'm down there, everybody is all fucking concerned, all these beautiful olive skinned people running around, trying to find enough umbrellas to cover my body that's white like the mozzarella, right? Like the mozzarella. Like the mozzarella.

Like the burrata. The burrata. Sweaty like the burrata. The burrata. Sweaty like the burrata. So she hands me this abridged version of the New York Times and I read this thing and it's about pilots. So I was like, I gotta see what's going on here. This is interesting to me. And it was about how there's very few female pilots and not only are there very few of them, when they get

pregnant, there is just this completely archaic system involved to try and help them during that time when they're having a kid. Part of it had to do with using that breast pump. If they want to breastfeed their kid naturally, which is totally the way to go, I would think, the way God made you. I don't know if they didn't have the time or whatever. So I'm reading this fucking article.

So in protest. Wait a second. So this is really quickly. So the thing is, yeah, you breastfeed a kid. Some people breastfeed for, you know, ridiculous amounts of time, but as far as how old the kid gets. Yeah. Cause at some point it is like four and all this other crazy stuff. That's all people debate about. But the typical thing from what I understand is that you breastfeed them on the breast

till about six months and then six months, you wean them off the breast and you give them the bottle. But you still wanna give them breast milk, right? So you gotta use that breast pump, the apparatus, to get the milk out, because if you don't, your breasts become engorged, it's really painful, you're leaking all over the place, et cetera.

So the idea is that these female pilots have had children, they're going back to work, but they still want to give their kids breast milk, but they need time, approximately 20 minutes to pump. Right? And so what they're fighting for is the time and the resources and the time off and all of that stuff. Or is it time off or just a way so that they can, I'm not exactly sure. Right, whatever.

We were both in the sun, we're reading this article. So that's the whole point. So this, of course, the upper management is not listening because they're also in the meantime, from what I've read on websites, are beginning to cut corners in airline safety and having these weird fucking flight plans to try to get the planes there quicker, to maybe have a few more flights or whatever, save a little bit of fuel, and the pilots are starting to be like, you know, one guy in particular, and you know you're fucking with your career, wrote a letter saying that they were doing that,

and of course the corporation gave their basic fucking response. So anyways, not only are they not listening to the ladies, they're not even listening to, according to some pilots, you know, the basic safety rules of the FAA, right? So anyway, so this woman has a problem and she wants to protest, you know, their treatment of female pilots, particularly pregnant female pilots. Nursing. Nursing. so they're at a fucking meeting in some conference room and the woman takes her breast out it hooks up the pump to it and starts pumping breast milk out of her fucking breast in front of everybody there and they say that the guys shifted uncomfortably and stared at the floor and the way they presented it was like there was something wrong with that behavior by the guys I

Mean, that's fucking insane. She just took a body part out. You're not supposed it wasn't her elbow It was her breast and she starts pumping milk out of it Like she just I thought she just took it out and was like this is what a breast pump looks like fellas and Like that sort of thing, but she actually is that what happened? Hooked it up. I don't remember. That's the thing. I don't remember.

I thought they see, I thought I thought she just took it out and was just like, this is what you do when you, you pump breast milk people. I didn't think that she, I thought she took it out. I didn't think I that's yeah. I didn't think that she actually took it out and did the physical pumping. Alright, well if she didn't take it out then I don't have a problem. I think she was just demonstrating, but it still made people uncomfortable because they were like, what are you doing right now?

And her whole thing was like, yeah, this is what I gotta do to feed my kid. Why don't you allow me the time and the resources to do it? No, but that's why I gotta be honest with you, aside from being sexist, that's why corporate doesn't want to hire women is because that they don't want to deal with this. Yeah, no, they definitely don't want to deal with that. Yeah, they underpay the men. Forget about they don't want to fucking pay women and then they certainly don't have to pay for time off and also a lot time they're trying to get these peak the guys to fly faster taking unsafe fucking roots and whatnot

and like okay I thought she took a titty out okay she didn't take it I don't think she took her titty out at the meeting. I was sitting there going like. I think she just took the breast pump out. I was sitting there going like, I know that we're cavemen. I know that we're cavemen. And I'm like, how the fuck? It's like, if a guy did anything like that, that would be considered a lewd and a something act. Like if you took your balls out through your zipper

or you shook your dick at somebody or you even moved somebody. I mean, unless you're in sales. You're getting in trouble with HR. Unless you're in sales and you're bringing in such a ridiculous amount of money. Like not only you've done, you've blackballed in that industry.

Well, that was what the fight was about because I was looking over at you and I was going to be like, she took a fucking and you immediately rolled your eyes. Like, Oh God, here he goes again. He's going to go off on some fucking rant, trash and women. And you rolled your eyes. And in that moment, I was just like, I'm sorry. Are we on the fucking Amalfi coast and you're rolling your eyes at me. And I, you know, granted, I even had a couple of fucking Johnny Walkers in me.

And I fucking stormed off. And what did I do? Where did I go? Nia? To the gym? That's right. Where have I gone every fucking day? To the gym.

I go to the gym every day, unless you're giving me shit about it. What do you mean, giving you shit about it? You keep going, take a day off. Because Bill, you know you have a tendency to overdo things and then you're like, hey, hey, hey, my hamstrings. So it's like, you just want to go, go, go. And I'm just like, you're allowed to have a day off from working out. You just watch, you really want to do that.

Hey, I got a special coming up and you can't be a fat fuck. Despite Nia, what all these fucking actresses say out there that that's only a female thing They act like guys could just show up as a bloated booze-headed fuck you can't oh you could do it But it certainly does not help your fucking career And I hate how actresses try to act like the fucking heartthrobs aren't these chiseled guys with square jaws full heads of hair and fucking abs they all are people magazines 50 famous 50 beautiful fucking people every goddamn year

It's never seen there we still want a couple of fatties to act like they're actually down to earth But the end of the fucking even then they make them wear like a Santa Claus suit, right and everybody else is Absolutely fucking yeah, they're not putting Jonah Hill on that list or something like this. Yeah No, this is this thing and whenever they say a guy is is is a fat fuck they call it. He's an everyman He's an everyman. He's relatable. That's what they're saying. You're a dumb fat fuck who married above He plays the dad normally the everyman the chubby everyman plays Yeah, dad on a sitcom. Yep dumb and his friend and his chubby. Yep dumb as fucking hell So they have that fucking guy so I don't know what so you guys can sit there and be like

Oh, there's an easy guy to manipulate All right, and then they have the woman they give they give the guy something to fucking jerk off to And then they have the woman they give they give the guy something to fucking jerk off to I'm pretty neat. Do you think I jerk off to sitcoms? I'm just saying they give him a fucking hearty from day one That's what they did. This is what it is. I really think Even though he's a little chubby Tom Bosley, who's that? Oh from happy dead? No Again, I always thought Kevin James kind of adorable Who's that? He played the... Oh, from Happy Days? Yeah. No. Marion? I always thought Kevin James was kind of adorable on King and King Queens, especially that episode

where Carrie, his wife, is trying to learn how to pole dance. Oh, and he's on the stripper pole? Yeah, she's trying to learn how to pole dance, you know, because she, you know, wants to be sexy and do something cool. And he ends up teaching her how to pole dance, and he's great at it. Yeah. No, that guy is... That episode, he won my heart with that episode. dance and he's great at it. Yeah, no, that guy is- He won my heart with that episode.

That's what he had to do? Yeah. Basically give an Olympic level performance. No, the fact that he was just agile, it's got that Jack Black thing where they're like a heavy guy, but they fucking can outrun anybody and they can do like handstands and shit.

Yeah, they just like a sandwich. I like that, yeah. I think that's cool because it's like you don't have to be you don't have to look like Zac Efron to be like a physical person. I know but at the end of the fucking day like there's a pressure on everybody in Hollywood to be in shape and I remember that when I watched one of those meet the parents and there's that swimming pool scene and and remember when Ben Stiller throws goes up to spike the parents and there's that swimming pool scene and and remember Ben Stiller throws goes up to spike the ball and he hits De Niro's daughter. I remember looking at that going like

Ben Stiller had abs. He did? Yeah comedians never had abs. Yeah he got more in shape the more movies he did. The more movies he did. Yeah you got it. Because what happens is they pick away at you, they trash how you fucking look. I told you that. How critics work is you could have the most perfect show ever and then they just pick at how you look. Would you ever do a shirtless scene in a movie? Yeah. You would?

Yeah. What if it was like tomorrow? Would you like panic or would you just go with it? No, I'd do it. Yeah. I would? Yeah. What if it was like tomorrow? Would you like panic or would you just go with it? No, I'd do it. Yeah. I'd do it, but what you gotta do is stare into it. Like Will Ferrell? Yeah, you can't go into there.

If you had a belly, you can't stand there sucking it in. I would actually push it out. And then you just, then it's, everything in life is if you try, anytime you start covering up people just sense it. It's like being a comic on stage. The second you go on your heels, the crowd, without even talking to one another senses that they're in control and then the heckles come. Well what are your, so you're working out like crazy because you're trying to prepare

for your special, but like what are your goals? Like what's your? What are one of my goals? Like you're trying to prepare for your special but like what are your goals like what's your what are my goals like are you trying to no I 172 is the weight I have to be with with fucking HDTV and that's how you feel comfortable on on camera that's your camera on camera weight yeah there's 171 72 mm-hmm that's basically it is. And everybody in Hollywood knows what fucking weight they're supposed to. People who make YouTube videos, you make enough of them, you know there's a tipping point.

Right. Yeah. Where you can get away with it. Where all of a sudden, yeah, you start looking like you're getting carried. And it's not that much. Like 172 was actually underweight for me. But on camera, it looks good.

So you have to do that. So let's say I have empathy for people talking about the pressures of it. But it kind of goes out the window when it's like, well, everybody in that business is on a treadmill eating a fucking apple. Everybody fucking works out. Everybody does.

You have to. you have to? Yeah, it is really because because you do look bigger on camera Yeah, you're also and this is the thing the thing that I find fucking hilarious about social media is like just Every day I get trashed every Fucking day by somebody on Twitter or Facebook I mean I've been able to find the humor in it And you know, you got to get outside of it be like, alright, I mean, it's got eight good ones one bad ones I'll take that 80 80 90 percent good. I'll take that but like and especially everyone so if somebody gets me with a really good one

I don't you always hear me laugh. I read it to you. It's a really fucking good one. I I got to give it up but just I It's a really fucking good one. I I Got to give it up, but just I did I tell you that I'm very concerned about like that show that I did that's coming out Next year. What's it called? I did it's too I'm concerned about things. I'm concerned about things No, I did it. I did two episodes of a TV show a guest Star and role on a Netflix show that's coming out next year. I don't know when it's coming out next year. What network is it called? It's on Netflix and it's got it's called Santa Clarita Die and I have a small part but I'm in two episodes and I am very concerned about how I'm gonna look weight-wise. Well it just kind of

happened. But now that you put it out there You just put it out there There's people who hate their lives and are licking their chops to fucking trash it So now they're gonna watch it and be like you remember when you said back in August No, they won't say that because then you'll understand like they wanted they want to be mean. They just want to be like What the fuck blah blah blah blah. Yeah, that's what they do. I look yeah, you you know it's funny I don't get mad at it because I used to do that and if I was just... You used to do what? I fucking trashed everything I still do but like when I was when I was younger there was no internet but believe me if there

was an internet I would have trashed fucking you know Jesus Christ half of those new wave bands because I thought I was listening to the real shit and you know half the people I was listening to a bunch of guys wearing fucking lipstick I thought Marley Crue was better than fucking Boy George and they had the same fucking waver backstage writer with the lip gloss the same makeup artist of course they did But these guys were singing about the devil. The other guy was singing about his feelings. Although, what's his face did? One time. You know, Mommy Crew also came around, you know, you know, I'm a dreamer

But my underwear's pink. That's Vince Neil, right? Yeah. Is that Tommy Lee? On piano. That's Vince Neil, right? Is that Tommy Lee? On piano. On piano? I thought he played the beginning part. Vince Neil had to run away high so he didn't come home low. His heart was like an open book for the whole world to read. Who else is in that band? There's Nikki Sixx and there's Mick Mazz. Oh, oh yeah, okay. Those guys are super duper famous. Super duper famous and they had their last show last year. The same night I was working in LA. They were right around the corner at the Staples Center. That was their final one ever. They signed a contract, Nia. So if they ever come back, then they're gonna have to sue themselves.

Do you understand that? No, I know I don't understand it either I don't know why they signed a contract. I think it was because all those people like share and fucking Nipsey Russell, I forget who else somebody else They were always saying that this is this is the final tour the who the who said a bunch of final fucking tour Oh, we have all those farewell tours. Farewell, this is the last one. Yeah.

It's a really cheesy way for some people to just get your ticket sales up. All right, I gotta read this. Thank you for being on the podcast, Nia. Thank you for having me. Hey, Nia. Hey. Great vacation. Great vacation, honey.

If you ever hit your head again and start crying like a two-year-old. Just give me Kleenex, okay? That's all I ask. Don't give me toilet paper. Deal. I don't have to say anything. What do you mean you don't have to say anything? You have to come for me, jerk. Give me three things to say.

Are you okay? Come here. It's going to be all right. You cried way longer than that. Yeah, and you just have to like comfort me. Keep saying that? No, you just say it. Come here.

It's gonna be alright. How disconnected are you from human emotion that I have to teach you how to comfort somebody? Crying was a sign of weakness where I came from. Okay. Well, that was a long time man the fuck up Well, man or woman you did you know, I Know what happened? Cried You know what happened? You know what? I'm really tired of hearing about your slapped in the face and given a bud light

Rockwellian childhood or whatever it is that you're always describing. They stuck your head under the water of an above ground pool until they stopped seeing bubbles and pull you back up again. Like you really like paint a picture like you grew up in like this hard scrabble kind of environment and it didn't. You don't think so? You fell out of a tree and your parents are like, ah, shake it off. Okay. That is what happened though, right?

What? Didn't you? Was it you that fell out of a tree? No, I got hit by a car. Oh, you got hit by a car. You poor baby. And my parents sent away the ambulance because they didn't like the hospital. They were taking us to and I got in a cab they didn't like that the hospital they were taking us to

And I got in a cab and they took took us to the hospital They wanted to remember my mother kept telling me don't go to sleep. Don't go to sleep. Oh, no wonder. Okay. All right Well, I get it now. No, yeah, I'm not saying I fucking grew up in a slum I'm just saying it was it was different back then It was yeah, it was different back then. It was different. All right. Well, yeah, that's all I'm saying. I'm not saying I'm a fucking badass, but like I'm not going to apologize for having a fucked up worldview. Okay.

Adults taught me this shit. So yeah, go talk to them. I'll talk to your parents about it. Yeah. go talk to them. I will. I'll talk to your parents about it, right? Yeah, I don't know, just anybody roughly their age. I have bone to pick with you, Mr. and Mrs. Rourke. Yeah, but you know something, Nia? There was an overcorrection. Meaning what?

That there's a reason why it went from fucking walled up douches like me who only know how to go, oh, big tears, big tears, as grabbed toilet paper and make a U shaped fucking sign around your face that we went from that to those fucking hipster hoodie wearing beard, bearded fucking pussies who act like they're 14 years old and awkward on their first fucking day. Every generation think that they're tougher than like the next generation. Is that just what happens? I don't think I'm tougher than anybody previous to me.

And I don't feel like I'm tougher than anybody like anybody now. There's so many fucking places in just the United States alone where kids grow up way tougher than I did. But what I'm doing is I'm defending the fact that I don't know what to do when an adult hits their fucking head and cries like a two-year-old. I got it. Nia, I'm not trying to have some like Olympics backstory here before you watch me play ping-pong

or some other stupid fucking sport that nobody cares about. I gotta tell you, the ping-pong's pretty cool. And I did watch a little bit of the volleyball. I watched the United States unfortunately lost to Italy I did watch that you fucking slippers allowed um you guys know what I'm saying what the fuck goddamn adult starts crying like a two-year-old what are you supposed to do Jesus Christ other than be like for the love of God can you get your shit together I felt like being like Barnes and platoon just grab India and be like

take the pain all right all right okay here we go here we go gonna do the reads here for this week all right East Coast road trip a Billy the red kid I'm from Chile. Yep, it's a country. I know it's a country. It's in South America. It's on the fucking West Coast, you cunt. He says, I'm not going to tell you to come and do your show here because nobody knows you in this inside of this world. All right. I have a four year old son and a lovely, lovely lady and we're hoping to go to... Go on vacation to the USA next year. So it would be great if you could tell me what city we have to see.

And he says thanks. I'm gonna try to say... Try to translate... I can't translate this. It's thanks Ian a brazo de Sedi el otro lado del mundo The fuck does that mean if he insulted me? I want to know what he said hang on a second. I got to write this up All right Let me hit pause hang on Jesus it means thanks a hug from the other side of the world. Right? Yeah, the other side of the world. Ah, wasn't that nice? Um... Well...

I know what to suggest for adults, but you have a four-year-old son, so I gotta take that into account. Um... I would suggest possibly Florida and doing Disney World But you know they got the fucking those mosquitoes down there, but they're also in Brazil So I don't know if they're coming your way I have no fucking idea what I would do is if you want to do don't do Disney World. I would do Disneyland Jesus Christ what the hell does a four-year-old want to do? All right I'm just gonna tell I can only speak for someone who doesn't

have kids. I love San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, New York. I mean if you're gonna start I would go with one of those. Chicago is such a great if you want to get a vibe of the United States You know get a big city vibe with people who also kind of fucking you know a Little bit that kind of rubes in Chicago. You know it's sort of a weird thing. It's like it's a city, but it's still country There's still farmland around it. You know what I mean you see people who were in shape You've seen people who are gonna have a heart attack in about three steps They got great fucking food Uh, there's sports crazy. They're great people. They're overtly fucking racist

It's beautiful summers. It's ungodly cold and you get the whole fucking you get the whole thing The whole thing you'll find trump supporters and and Hillary supporters and all of that fucking shit It's right in the middle of the country. I don't know you guys live you live near the water in Chile Christ the fucking Country's only like what 30 miles wide if you've had enough of that I go to Chicago. I Guess depends on what you guys do if you you like to eat, if you're into barbecue, I'd go down south. Don't sleep on the south. There's a bunch of great places to go to. Maybe you can build it around a sporting event.

You know, some auto racing or baseball. Maybe the football that's coming up. There's a bunch of things that you could do. But if you just want to go to just a really cool city with great places to eat and stuff to see, San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, New York are amazing. I don't know, those would be mine that I would pick. Alright? But no matter what, you're gonna have a good time. Alright, Mussolini. Hey Bill, while in Italy did you happen to notice any Mussolini souvenirs for sale? I was in Rome a few years ago and they seem to be in most newsstands bunch of fascists. Fascists, sorry. No actually I didn't but you know I don't know I think it's funny that like Americans like to do that fascist

shit. I like to you know say that shit too but who's kidding who? We don't know. I think it's funny that Americans like to do that fascist shit. I like to say that shit too, but who's kidding who? We don't exactly have the greatest track record with our foreign policy, certainly over the last 16 fucking years, wouldn't you say? You know what I mean? And if you're really going to get tentacle over since we won World War II, and certainly since Russia fell and there was no one really to keep us in check, we've kind of been, you know, the way corporations sort of dictate our foreign policy, we've been quite the cunts for the last at least fucking 30 years, 2026 I'd say. So yeah, I wouldn't judge anybody. Mussolini is a part of their fucking history.

If I saw a Mussolini souvenir, I'd buy one. If they had a Hitler badge, I'd fucking buy that. Just, I mean, I'm fascinated with World War II. If they had a Stalin one, I'd get that. If they had an Eisenhower one or a fucking William H. Macy, who's the fucking guy from Winston Churchill? Yeah, I'd buy all of those. That's the Mount Rushmore or World

War II and then you got to have, what's his face there? Arnold from Happy Days. What's the fucking guy from Japan? He doesn't get enough love that guy. He did just as much horrific shit. What the fuck was his name? Leader of Japan. Wasn't he an emperor? I mean, right there, dude, that's like some crazy... That's a great wrestling character right there. Alright, World War II. Emperor... Tigerstar.

No, what the fuck? That's not it. Hang on a second. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah, I'd buy any of that shit. Nia, either close the fucking curtain or leave it open. You're killing me with my eyes over here. Alright, bogus chocolate. What do you think about this, Nia? Hey there, Billy Sweet Nuts. Did you hear about this brother in New York who started a chocolate company selling chocolate bars for $10 under the false pretenses that it was premium chocolate? It turns out it was shitty chocolate and they were using the cheapest of ingredients while

simultaneously trashing all other chocolate companies. Here's a link to the article. What's your policy on buying niche products that are full of hype? I actually did hear about that and I think it's fucking hilarious. I don't like Exxon Mobil finding out about global warming 30 years ago, allegedly, and then completely blowing it off. If somebody does the Emperor's New Cl and like Brooklyn with some fucking chocolate and sells it to a bunch of dopes I think it's funny. They should definitely be penalized

It's like when those they used to catch those people when they where was he selling it like on the street on the subway on? like How do they go about selling it? Comes up to you on the street and it's is trying to sell you a Rolex, you know pretty much if you have any kind of street smarts that the shit's either fake or it's hot, right? So if someone comes up to you and says, I got this premium chocolate and they're selling it to you on the street. No, no, no.

They went all out. They hit a whole book. Look at this. How the Mast Brothers- Oh, that company. Yeah, I read about that that they had all the packaging and everything yeah I think it's fucking hilarious you know what that reminds me of is like when they would they'll bust somebody like you know they they'll have this premium tap water not tap water I'm sorry bottled water and then they then they have like

a in one month they have a $50,000 water bill because they're just taking it out of their tap That shit has always been hilarious to me. It's like the guy who figure out how to how to Pick the lock on the parking meters. It was allegedly impossible to do and some guys figured out how to do it But of course he got greedy and end up getting caught just people who do shit like that. It's just funny to me You rob a bank you don't use a gun is just funny to me. You know what I mean? Yeah, I remember that story. I don't know. You rob a bank, you don't use a gun. It's funny to me. All right.

You don't hurt anybody. You just scare people. You just hand them a note. Yeah, you hand them a note. It says, put the money in the bag and nobody gets it. You got whipped cream on your face. You didn't really plan it out. It was an impulsive thing, you know?

You decided you wanted a little better lunch. If you don't stop opening and closing that motherfucker of a goddamn... I'm going. Yeah, but now you're gonna close it and you can't close the curtain. Nia, you can't close the curtain and close the door. Please don't make me watch you do this. Oh, God. Bye, Nia.

Goodbye. All right. Seeing ex need advice. Hey, Bilford. Bilford, I'm a 20 year old guy and my girlfriend of a year broke up with me a couple of months ago. I'm starting to get over her and we go to different colleges,

so I think it'll be easier to move on. But we have the same friends and I know we will go to the same hangouts. For example, my buddy's birthday is in two weeks and she's going. Should I go up to her first and talk to her like she didn't kick my heart in the ass or should I just say hi and sort of ignore her for the rest of the party? Thanks and have a nice day. No, this is what you got to do. Alright, she dumped you so you didn't want it to end. She did. So you're hurting more than her is how I would probably guess how this is going down. So, I would just, first thing I would do is am

I friends enough with this person who's having the birthday that it's worth putting myself into the position? Okay, if it isn't, then just don't go to the party. If it is, if the person is important enough, then when you go there, I would absolutely say hello to her first, you know, just say, good to see you, hope you're doing alright, blah blah blah blah blah. No need to be weird around me, whatever. And then I would just go about and have a great fucking time. I would limit my drinking that night because you don't want to make a dumb decision.

Because if you go there and you say hello to her first and you're totally fucking cool. For whatever fucking reason, how people work, when they break up with people, if the person is, if they're, that's that thing, if the person's clinging, the other person is, goes oh my God, thank God I'm out of it. But if they look like they're getting on with their life, even if the person just got done dumping them for some reason, they'll try and hook up with them. You don't want to hook up with this person again. All right, she made the decision and just I Don't I don't I don't get how that works, but men and women both do that shit So I would just be totally cool go to the birthday party. I would not drink at this thing

That would be a great move you stay sober. This is what you want to be you don't want to be fast Eddie All right from the hustler remember that when he gets all shit-faced and Jackie Gleason stays fucking sober Minnesota fats and he goes all right. Let's shoot some pool after fucking Fast Eddie down the whole bottle of fucking bourbon Then he kicks his ass and gives all the money back plus another fucking 10 grand. If you're going to go to it, I would be totally nice to her, say hello, be totally cool, walk the fuck away, and then just drink club sodas the whole night,

and then when it feels like the time is right, it's starting to get to that point where everybody's getting fucking wasted, you leave, and then that's it. That's how I play it. Um... God damn it, I wish somebody gave me that advice a long fucking time ago. All right, I'm gonna be patting myself on my back for my own fucking advice. It sounded good to me. Anyways, here we go.

All right, Bill, my girlfriend is addicted to sex. All right, collectively, every guy listening to this. Aww. Um, hey Bill, just wanted to let you know if you had any advice related to my relationship with my girlfriend. As you probably read in the subject on this message, there doesn't seem to be a down size to the situation, but there is since she can't control herself. Recently my girlfriend visited me from California for a month and every day we banged on the

kitchen floor, shower, bedroom, backyard, etc. Up until the last day it was great until we got into an argument. She kept trying to walk away and break up with me without a real reason until she told me why. Apparently, apparently my girlfriend can't wait more than eight months without sex. And after eight months, she doesn't care who she gets it from. This worried me and pissed me off at the same time. We ended up staying together, but I won't see her for a good while.

No idea when. Now my worry is that she will cheat on me with other people during the time we are apart. Oh, and by the way, I live in Texas. I would love some advice from my favorite comedian. I would trust your instincts here. Yeah, listen, you can't get mad at her for the fact she told you what her deal is. Okay? She needs it.

She needs it all the fucking time. She lives in California. You live in Texas. She actually was doing you a fucking favor by trying to break up with you because she doesn't want to cheat on you. And I don't know if this is just naturally how she's wired. If I don't know if it's an issue. I don't know what the fucking deal is. But all I know is the way she is. And she lives in California and you live in Texas and you don't know when she you're gonna See her again. Yeah, you got to let this one go. All right, you don't need that anytime

You know you're with somebody you're trying to have a serious fucking relationship and you know You can't be away from them for a certain amount of time. Are they gonna fuck somebody else? I mean, I don't think man or woman Fantasizes is that for for any sort of significant serious or lifetime partner. So I would, um, Hey, you know what? You had a good time with her and I'd let her go. She's out in California. Let her, let her go do whatever the fuck she's going to do. And, uh, I would try to find someone that's a little more wired like yourself and see if that works.

All right. Okay. That's the podcast. I'm going to enjoy my last day here. Hey, thank you to the beautiful country of Italy and everybody from here that treated me and my wife so wonderfully. We'll definitely get to come back. Once again, thank you to everybody who came out to my tour

through Ireland, England, Scotland, Amsterdam, Belgium and Germany. Could not have had more fun on this trip. I'm definitely ready to get home. I have not seen my fucking dog Cleodio since July 29th. Yeah, I've not been in the United States since July so I gotta get back before they fucking Just cancel my goddamn Visa or whatever the fuck it is. All right, that's it If you guys enjoyed the podcast if you'd like to donate this is an easy way to do it Next time you're gonna buy something on Amazon Just go to bill bird comm first click on the podcast page and you just hit the Amazon link All right, it'll take you right to Amazon

Doesn't cost you any extra money, but I get credit for driving traffic that way if you want to do it I get it if you don't no problem And also if you'd like to see me do my first fucking show since my European tour in the United States I will be in Reno on August 27th, which with the absolutely fucking hilarious Todd Rex one of the funniest fucking people I've ever met in my life. He's the guy, what do you say to it? He said that to a cop one time that pulled us over when the guy was walking up to the car. And what was so funny was he was a young baby face looking cop. And we pulled this over, we were underneath a bridge, so it echoed.

I think it was me, him, and Lawhead. And I think I lost six months of my life trying not to laugh when the cop walked up and he said that. He's one of the funniest guys I know, and he is not gonna be easy to follow. So if you come out to the show, do not show up late, because Todd is every bit as funny as I'll ever fucking be. All right, that's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you up Thursday. Not gonna sing unless my body's holding on Not gonna sing unless my body's holding on Not gonna sing unless my body's holding on Thanks for watching!