Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-23-18

Episode Date: August 24, 2018

Bill rambles about playoffs, Conan, and cardio.

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I'm just checking in on you. How's your fucking cuba cold? What's going on? Happy Thursday, everybody. You're almost there. I'll tell you, this weekend just cannot come soon enough. Oh, fucking suck it up, Mary. They're paying you to do a fucking job. Go ahead and do it. What are you going to do this weekend that's going to make you less of a fucking... Goddamn wet diaper to be around next week. This weekend can't come soon enough.

Oh yeah, who you hanging out with that you're going to dump all your fucking problems on? Sorry, you wouldn't know it, but I'm in a great mood. I'm in a fucking great mood. Tomorrow morning, I'm taking an early flight. I'm flying out to a casino in Maryland doing one or two shows out there. I'm not sure. I don't know what. Just point me at the stage and I will go out there and do my little fucking dance. But Red Sox finally won last night. What did I do? Did I call it? Or did I not call it? All of these guys, I don't know why you guys continue to watch ESPN. When the Monday morning podcast in the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast exists.

Why do you put on that? Okay, they're professionals. They went to broadcasting school. They pay attention to sports way more than I do. Having said that, according to my ego, nobody reads the sports tea leaves better than me. Of course that isn't true, but the one thing I am right about is all these people that flip out during the regular season about gaudy records and all that shit. All the fucking wins the Red Sox have. We've seen this before. We saw the Seattle Mariners do it. They won 120 something games, came home with no fucking hardware. They came home with their pockets turned inside out.

And I'll tell you right now, there were a lot of lumberjacks in Seattle crying on Monday. Now I know that I have a well-earned reputation as being a bit of a curmudgeon. A bit of a fucking wet blanket. A bit of a brick cut. All right, guilty on all counts. But I'll tell you one thing I'm right about other than my misogynistic opinions about women. I am right about the regular season. Okay, and I'm here to tell all of you to fucking stand down with this screaming and yelling on every fucking sport.

Okay, fucking relax. What you want to do is you take all the stats of all the fucking 90% of the teams or whatever sport you're watching, sometimes only 40% if you're watching hockey, the amount of fucking teams that are not going to win the playoffs. You take all of those fucking stats. All right, as the rock used to say, you turn them up sideways and step straight up the candy ass. Because they don't mean shit because you're not going to see those people come fucking October. So what did I say? When I jumped on the Red Sox bandwagon six hours ago, I said we got the Indians twice.

We got the Houston Astros and we got the Yankees two more fucking times. Okay, now if we lay waste to those teams, I can get excited. But even then, the playoffs are different. Joe Buck's there. There's more cameras. Everybody's watching. All right, people get a little tight. You never know what the fucking happened.

So anyways, I've been telling you guys, and yes, I am Pat myself on the back. I told you, everybody's sleeping on the Indians and Terry Francona. What happens? What does Terry do? He comes right out in the first two fucking games. He makes us look like a 500 ball club. Handled us with ease. That's two wins.

Two more and you just took a series. All right. We got Chris Sale and I know we got Price. Okay, but that's only going to get us two there. All right. And I think Terry Francona is the best manager in fucking baseball. And then evidently, they got this guy Brad Hand or some shit. Closer.

I know his last name's Hand. All right. Very impressive. Lights out. I know we won last night and everything, but I'm just saying, you know, but that's what they do over there, the ESPNs, the Fox Sports. They are in the business of saying the sky is falling or sending something to the fucking moon.

They send it to the moon and when the sky falls, they have the balls to say what happens, what happened, rather than being like, wow, we were, we were fucking wrong again. All they do is hype shit up over there. They did your greatest game ever. I mean, how many fucking times have they, how do you compare the 2018 Red Sox to the 96 balls? And it's always the 96 balls, by the way. Everybody ignores the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers.

Okay. One of the most underrated teams of all fucking time. Anyways, I was very relieved that we got to win last night. I'm going to try to watch the game tonight and I hope he's split with them. But, uh, I, I, I mean, I love our manager and all our players and all that shit, but I, every time I see Terry Franco, he's the best, you know, I don't know what happens. He just, every, just like, familiarity breeds contempt. Is that what it is?

How do you say that word? Familiar, familiar, familiarity. Hang on a second. That's one of those ones. You start the word and then you get halfway through it and you're like, oh my God, I'm going to make it. And you have like, you're talking to three people at the same time at the party. You just see all of them, just ever so slightly, you see their faces drop and they realize

how dumb the person they are that they're talking to us. Familiarity. I didn't even spell it right. All right. How do you say this? Okay, everybody. Here we go. You ready?

Whoops. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Familiarity. Familiarity. Familiarity. No.

Familiarity. Familiarity. Familiarity. Familiarity. Familiarity. Familiarity. Dude, you know what it is? It's his familiarity of the ballpark.

He ain't fucking scared when he gets there on a count. He knows all the nooks and crannies. I said it right. Yeah, familiarity. You don't believe me? Listen to the fucking robot white guy in my computer. Familiarity. See?

Go fuck yourself. Get me a Bud Light kid. Watching my waistline for the end of the summer. Speaking of which, oh, and then the Red Sox, they had some fucking little, as the English would say, little cheeky fucking tweet there. I didn't like it. You know, we apologize to our fans for our lengthy losing streak. Why would you do that?

You know? This is what you got to ask yourself. What would Bill Belichick do? All right? I just lobbed that over the net. He's fucking cheat. I know you guys would say that. I cut his sleeves off his sweater and fucking blind a child to get an ice cream cone quicker.

Yeah, you're all jealous. But funny. Anyways, yeah, why would you give bulletin board material? Why would you motivate any other fucking team? You know? That's just, I think that's a stupid move. And that's what happens when you go on Twitter and they probably read all these Red Sox fans freaking the fuck out, you know?

If they got 50,000 tweets, I bet 30,000 were sent by Dan Shaughnessy. Oh, I always got to make fun of him. Is this the 1978 season all over again? Are they going to chant 2013 at us? Anyways, tonight, tonight, big, big, big fucking matchup. Who's on the Hill for the Indians? I have no idea, but the Indians are my team if the Red Sox don't make it this year. I'd like to see them get one.

Even though I'm going to have to watch people in the stands have those stupid Cleveland shirts that say, defend the land. Ugh. I'm just fucking, I think that might be the worst one. Okay. Yankee sing YMCA during the seventh inning stretch. You think that's bad, right? Da, da, da, ba, ba, da, go Yankees.

All these fucking fat, hairy fucking Brooklyn cunts, right? You think that's bad. And then you go up to Boston and this, what is, what is this? Sweet Caroline. The thing is, is you got to have like a song for dumb people. You know, like if you just hum the melody of YMCA, it's a Buddhist monk would probably tell you that some sort of Zen thing where you just have a complete inability to have any sort of thought in your head.

You know? Like, think about your future while you go, ba, ba, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. That's it. It's over. And then the tempo of it, young man walking down the fucking street cause you can't dance, right? Just white guys walking around in a square. You know?

The girlfriend looks over the shoulder at the black guy in the background. Um, anyways, and you just think it can't get any bad worse than that. You know? I mean, that's pretty bad because it's, it's douche behavior combined with music. I mean, that's usually takes the cake, but defend the land. The land. I mean, what land? Cleveland?

You mean the one you guys all fucking abandoned? It's a fucking ghost town. Drive in from your fucking plush neighborhood. All those fucking rich cunts out there in greater Cleveland, you know, in their gated communities, sitting out there eating their brats in their fucking 14 carat, big green eggs, you know? Then they come downtown like they're fucking Paul Revere. I'm going to defend the land and go to a game for three hours and then quickly retreat

back to my cul-de-sac, the Lexus fucking riding mower. The amount of money in greater Cleveland is just insane. By the way, I have no idea what greater Cleveland is like. Um, but anyway, is it, is it that much difficult to be greater than Cleveland? Oh, see what I did there? Sorry. Anyways, having said that, uh, I love the Indians. My dad was a big Indians fan growing up.

Um, Indians and Tigers were his two teams because he moved around a lot there. Uh, so anyways, I was speaking to that late last night. Um, I somehow, you know, went down this, this fucking, you know, what do they call it? The rabbit hole on YouTube. And I ended up watching this YouTube video about every quarterback the Detroit Lions have ever had, you know? And, uh, they've had a lot of fucking quarterbacks. Not a lot of offensive linemen, but they have had a lot of fucking quarterbacks.

Um, fascinating, fascinating franchise. Allegedly, it's the curse of Bobby Lane. It isn't. It isn't. It's not. Okay. You know, to say that you're cursed is just, you're just passing the buck. It's like, no, we don't know what the fuck we're doing and we need help.

It's not the curse of Bobby Lane. What? Cause he left a little disgruntled. Yeah, you get rid of me. You're never going to win again. And then some old lady, I heard he shed for 50 years and that's how it starts. And Dan Shaughnessy writes a book about it. It makes a bunch of money off the misery.

That's what it should be. His next book, the curse of Bobby. Bobby Lane becoming in the game, fucking half in the bag. He'd need hair of the dog after fucking the second quarter going in half time, not listen to the coach slap his fucking wife around and then he'd go out and he'd have a fourth quarter comeback. You know, um, and anyways, that's the way they told the story. But I remember Greg Landry, Eric Hipple, I remember Joey Harrington, his whole fucking

career just running for his life. You know, that's what's amazing. And you see like some of these people that are called bus, like this ship, this should be like a consideration for the fucking team you went to, you know what I mean? Like if Jim Johnson did not come into the fucking Dallas Cowboys organization and make that Herschel Walker trade, how long would have Troy Aikman lasted in the league? The amount of hits that that guy took in the first couple of seasons he got was on his back.

You can only take those hits for so long. Now I'm not saying Joey, Eric did his fucking Troy Aikman. I'm just saying remember way back in the day when John Elway, the Baltimore coach drafted him and he was, you know, and he was like, I'm not going to that fucking franchise. And they go, what are you talking about? He got rather played baseball. I'll go fucking play baseball for the Yankees. You know?

Because you guys don't know what the fuck you're doing. And I have one shot at this. And then they traded him to the Broncos. Kobe Bryant did the same thing, drafted by the Charlotte Hornets. See, I got my fucking playing out there. I actually think it is like for basketball, it's bullshit. For baseball, it would be bullshit. Those are like non-contact sports for the most part compared to like, you know, football.

Football I get. It's like, dude, I'm literally going to be drinking out of fucking straw by the time I'm 30 if I play for you guys. All right? You don't have an offensive coordinator. You have no offensive line. And I'm just going to get like, I'm going to be like, you know, the guy who waves his hand for a fair catch and just gets stuck.

Now, you know something with the new rules of tackling. Now maybe I think that you can go to these franchises. You don't have to pull an Elway. Yeah. Because I guess you can't lead when you're fucking, you can't lead with your head when you go to tackle. I'm trying to picture how do you do that then? You can hit with your shoulder though, right?

But there's no way to hit with your shoulder without leading with your head unless you just sort of like, you just come jumping by like a pogo stick and just sort of like, it's like slam dancing. Maybe they should do that. I think what they should do is they should have a giant Velcro belt around all of them, right? And the ball becomes Velcro and you just stick it on the person and the person can't run. You bounce down the fucking field like a pogo stick and then everybody else hops after

you and tries to bump into you, but you're not allowed to slap the ball away the way A-Rod did when he ran down to first base. I don't know. I'm just trying to fix the game. You know, who the fuck does? I know it's all about concussion protocol and all that. I think they should just have NFL players just sign a release being like, yeah, basically you're going to take about 30 years off your life, okay?

But in the three and a half years you play in this league, okay, you're going to have, you're going to get more pussy, you're going to drive more goddamn cars and have more fucking bling than you could ever dream of. All right, so enjoy it, enjoy it while it lasts, okay? Just sign here and you can lead with your head. Maybe that's what they have to do. I don't know. Maybe the NFL implodes and then the WNBA takes over.

I mean, who knows? That's a good story for ESPN. Is that what's going to happen? Anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising here. Then I'm going to talk about my dog Cleo. Cleo's back in town. I'm going to go take her for a walk after I upload this fucker. She's up this spring with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy.

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Billy Botox is getting in shape. That's right. I'm going to get some ejections in my face. I'm going to have my teeth bleached, my tongue scraped, and then we're going to have that candle stuck in my ear. They fucking melt out all the wax or some shit. No, I'm not doing any of that. I'm just trying to get my abs.

I got a four pack right now. My stomach reminds me of the old fucking wine. Coolness. Remember that old bottle in James' belly right here? It's abs six. It's abs five and six. Those are the tough ones. Even seven and eight aren't that bad.

The fat just goes right to five and six. It just fucking sits there. You know what I mean? Whenever you pour some liquid into a measuring cup, no matter how much you try and dump it out, there's always that little bit that fucking gathers in the bottom, and then you try fucking snapping it down. There's always going to be a little bit left there.

That's what abs five and six are like in my fucking world. I'm doing all right, though. I look really good with the shirt on right now. But if I take my shirt off, it's still put it back on. I think I need to do a little more cardio or something like that. You know what I want to buy? Rogan has been talking up this fucking cardio machine. I got to check it out.

Next time I do his podcast or I am in the area. I ran into him the other night and he was going on and on about how fucking unbelievable this thing and how it was tiring him out. So I figured if it tires Joe out, it's borderline going to kill me. But I remember way back in the day, there was a gym and they had this thing called Jacob's Ladder, which was just a picture. You were a fireman and there was a ladder that reached up

to the top of a fucking skyscraper, right? And that's what it was like. It was like you run all fours at like a 45 degree angle and just climbing this fucking never ending. It just keeps going and going and going. It's like a treadmill on a 45 degree angle. It's not like you fucking crawl 10 miles away from the gym and then you're like, fuck, how do I get back to my car?

It just goes in a circle using your own weight or some shit like that. And I remember I got on that fucking thing and within three minutes it felt like my heart was in my throat and I had done an eight ball. So I'm considering getting one of those. I might buy one of those or I'm going to check out the Joe Rogamos. Because Joe's always like, he's always, he's one of those guys, he's always looking around the corner. So he's always, he knows what the next shit is.

And I feel like he's had that thing long enough that if, that he's already passed the, oh, wait a minute, this thing sucks. He was still raving about it. So whatever the fuck he got, I'm going to, I'm going to try to get, you know, and then maybe I'll have a spinning heel kick at the death level that he does. Anyways, my dog's back in town. I'm going to go take her for a walk. I fucking miss that dog so much, man.

I'm having a lot of you. It's just the best, but I still get to see her like once every six weeks and she's out here for six days. So every day I've been taking her on like a fucking hike. She goes nuts when she sees me. I go crazy when I see her. It's always a little sad when I give her back, you know. But I think she's kind of used to it at this point.

You know, I think human beings take it harder than fucking dogs do. But anyways, okay, let's look at a little bit of world news. Let's see what's going on. Let's check in on the world, everybody. For claim of large scale killing of white farmers in South Africa. Is there any doubt that this guy is just a straight up fucking racist at this point? It's amazing how long he kind of hid that. Like he had no idea when he was just sort of this funny, famous for being famous guy.

But the things that he chooses to focus on. Not saying that this isn't happening. White farmers getting killed in South Africa. But you know, white people are killing a lot of other people from different races for quite a while. Actually right now. I mean, oh, I'm sorry, we thought you were terrorists. Were you just a family going to the market? Sorry about that.

We've been doing that for 15 fucking years. I mean, just, you know, I'm not saying what's going on. And after I've even read about it is right, but it's just like, like, I don't know. When you can see like, you know, when there's like neo-Nazis and you can kind of see their argument too. Well, you know, it's kind of six to one half dozen of the other. And the fact that fucking politicians on both sides are such pieces of fucking shit that they will, they will sit there and they will just, they will tow the fucking company line. Because they're grossly under fucking paid and it's all about getting reelected.

So someday you can write three books while you're still in office and then buy a $10 million house. That's basically what it is. UK outlines plan to avert chaos of a no deal Brexit. When the fuck is this thing going to go down? I thought they were leaving. This is like the longest breakup ever. What is a no deal Brexit? So they leave the European Union and then they don't know what the fuck they're going to do.

All right, so they're showing a picture of a bunch of tractor trailers. All right, make a difference in today's world. Support independent journalism. Subscribe for a dollar a week. Oh, can I read what you wrote first? How do I know you're independent? This is newyorktimes.com. You're not fucking independent, you're mainstream.

London, the British government issued its first contingency plans on Thursday for leaving the European Union without an agreement. Seeking to prepare the public for possible disruption without spreading alarm that could undermine support for the entire undertaking. The government, an agreement for what? Citizens of other countries that are living in London with some sort of work visa. How you're going to trade with the rest of it? This is looking like a shit show. The government emphasized that it hoped and expected to hammer out a deal with the European Union. But in a series of technical documents, it warned that without an agreement, importers and exporters could face significant new bureaucratic hurdles.

That credit or debit card payments in continental Europe could cost more and that British citizens living in the block could lose access to banking and pension service. I'm going to call this right now. England or Great Britain leaving the European Union is either going to be the greatest or the worst fucking move ever. I mean, it's a great move on some level. I guess, do you get out of the world banks and you get to go back? Wait, are they on the, I can't even remember if they're on the Euro. Are they still on the pound? Were they on the Euro?

Did they go back to the pound? I can't fucking remember. But that's going to be that this is either going to fucking make other countries want to do it or they're going to be like, thank God, I didn't do that. There's not going to be, well, you know, I mean, you know, there's pros and cons. It's going to be great or a shit show, one or the other. I just want ESPN on that. U.S. China imposed fresh round of tariffs as escalating trade war shows no sign of ending. Why can't, what do we do?

Why can't we just fucking get along with people, you know? Hello, China. How are you? Is this how you want to run your country? Well, God bless you. This is how we run our country. You know, you want some apples? I mean, how fucking hard is that?

I know I just oversimplified it. Anyways. Oh, lastly, but not leastly. I did an episode of Conan O'Brien last night to hype my show at Madison Square Garden, November 7th. I'll be there with Joe Bartnick and the Pride of Trenton, New Jersey, Paul Verzi on November 7th. Very excited about that. And as always, I had the best time on Conan. Him and Andy, they're the best.

Conan sets you up and then if you get in trouble, Andy saves you. I actually joked with Andy when I left. I said, you know, I think you'll end to save me one time, maybe twice. I think he jumped in twice. So my idea of a perfect game on Conan is Andy never has to save me. He's always two to five times every segment, but I had a great time. I actually got there a little bit early and I got to go check out the drum kit, which was fucking bad SSDW kit. So I sat down and actually played him for a couple of minutes.

And I don't know what that is. That always like makes me more relaxed before I go out and do a show. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm a fucking lunatic. I have no idea. So I actually got to sit down at James Wormorth's kit. Sounded amazing. I was like, you sure he's not going to get pissed if I sit there?

He's like, nah, that's fine. Good. But anyways, I had a great time on it. If you'd like to see some clips, maybe I'll post some links or something like that to it. I had a great time as always. So thank you to everybody over at Conan for helping me promote Madison Square Garden, November 7th. Please get your tickets. So I'm not standing there in a big empty arena.

All right. That's the podcast here for Thursday. Have a great weekend. You cunts. Enjoy this music interlude here, musical interlude before we play some classic hits from a Thursday podcast from earlier in the year of fucking 10 years ago. I have no idea how it works. All right.

I'll see you on Monday. So anyways, let's get back to Vegas out here. I had a great time last night. I did a surprise, not so surprise guest spot on the fucking, what the fuck? Yeah, the all the all in tour. Sorry, guys. Can you tell I've been drinking again? Drinking again.

Oh, baby. I'm drinking again. I went 73 fucking days with that without the booze. And Versey Bartnick and Lawhead all came in Saturday night after my second show over here at the Mirage. And I came back to my room and I was waiting for them. They were on their way up. Kevin Shea opened for me.

All right. So all all the fucking maniacs were out here. And I'm sitting there with the lovely Nia and she's going, I'm tired. I'm like, I'm tired too. I swear to God, if these guys weren't in town, I would just go to bed and they showed up. We had a couple of drinks, met some cigars sitting on the table and I go to my wife. Hey, you know what? Let's just we're just going to go outside.

Smoke this cigar. I'll be back in a couple hours or whatever. And that was like it. I don't know what that was. That was probably just a little bit after midnight. And I don't, you know, I started drinking and I just became that guy. That guy who just wants to keep going and does not want to go home. And Bartnick was joking said what we did was basically they could have shot a commercial

for Las Vegas is what we did. I hate to say it. We did and we just did old school Vegas shit that was not old school. When I first started coming to Vegas, but I've been out here for 15 years and like the new schools go into that DJ shit. So I don't know what the fuck we did. We somehow, I think we ended up over the Venetian and we were already smoking cigars. I don't really remember.

I was just pounding. Where were we? I played roulette somewhere and I made money. Then I cashed out. Then we went over to the Venetian and I remember playing craps, throwing the dice. I just kept going. I started yelling at everybody saying I'm throwing numbers over here. Right.

I just started throwing. I did what I always did. I bet the six, the eight in the past bar. I should have bet the point. I hit the point twice. I threw like fucking, I don't know, 12, 15 numbers in a row. You know, I was bullshit, man. I had like five bucks on each fucking thing or whatever I made.

And I made a couple hundred bucks because I was too drunk to realize like, Bill, you know what? You're feeling it. Why not throw down a little bit more? But I didn't. I just remember people on the other end of the table were going, Hey, hey, you're Bill Burr. You're throwing.

I go, that's right there. Button down. You're throwing numbers. I was talking shit. I was having a hell of a time. Tipping people doing what you're supposed to do. Laughing my ass off. I made money.

I went back over cashed out. I had like fucking three $100 bills in my pocket after starting off with my own hundred. So I guess I was up to 100 bucks. And all of a sudden this shady dude comes up to us who had this weird little sort of zipper scar on his nose. And he's handing us a fucking flyer. Oh wait, somewhere in there, I met these two agent chicks and I talked them back into their dreams.

I can't answer that. Just one girl. She was an accountant. She wanted to be in fashion. I was like, so go do that. She's like, do you really think I care? I'm like, yeah, you totally can. Just keep your day job and just start working on the fashion thing.

And then eventually fashion thing will surpass your other thing. She was like, you're so awesome. And all I'm thinking in my head is this is why that fucking guy was able to buy where the Houston Rockets used to play and go in there and talk about Jesus. What the fuck is that guy's name? You know that guy, you know? Oh, what is this fucking name? He's got the squinty eyes.

He closes his eyes and he sits there, you know? Jesus, won't you to have a popsicle? He won't. All you got to do is just tell people what they want to hear. And I was totally sincere when I told this woman to go follow her dreams. But I didn't really give her any sort of concrete plan. All I did was just tell her that she could do it and it made her feel good. So I did do a good thing.

But you know something? If the bottom falls out of standup comedy, that's what I'm going to. I'm going to turn into a motivational speaker. I would absolutely crush it. Because I already know how to make people laugh. And then rather than being a negative cunt, I would totally turn it. I would finally take off like, you know, you know, in Spider-Man, where's that black suit? And he can't control it.

And he starts acting like a cunt, you know? Starts talking shit to women and spraying web, web juice in their face. Then he goes back to the classic red and blue and then he's like, oh, I'm sorry about that, sweetie. Let me get that. Oh shit, I didn't finish that fucking story. So this guy with a goddamn zipper star scar on his fucking nose. He convinces us to go to a titty bar, which really wasn't difficult. And next thing you know, we're in this fucking titty bar.

And on these women were really goddamn aggressive. Like the second you sat down, one of them sat in your lap. And I was like, it was really, I'd be honest with you, it's fucking suffocating. I actually just kind of like, hey, can you fucking, let me just get my bearings here. Before you, but quit trying to shake your tits. They're fake. They're not moving. All right.

What do you do next? Shake your elbow? So anyways, we're in this fucking place. And I don't know. I mean, we're all guys. We don't give a fuck. Next thing you know, it's like six o'clock in the goddamn morning, six something. We came walking out.

It was broad daylight. And I'm sitting there like, the only thing I can relate it to was when I was playing up in Alaska. When, uh, when it was that one of those times a year where I had like 22 hours of sunlight and you were inside the club and you're drinking and it's about two in the morning. Like, all right, guys, I'm tired. I'm going to bed and then you would walk outside. You'd open the door into broad daylight and immediately your body's clock, you would wake up. Instead of two in the afternoon to two at night, it seemed like two in the afternoon. There's the only way I could describe it.

And I walked out and all I heard was Kevin Shea's maniacal fucking laugh at like how light it was out. So that was my basically, that was my first night out here. And I got to be honest with you, I'm still recovering from it. And that was two goddamn days ago. Last night after a show, I was just like, I sat down and I got something to eat. I had one Budweiser and then I went to bed and I was fucking psyched to come back and go to bed. So that goes back to what I was talking about. So I have to dress maturely.

All right. Not like I was ever a guy walking around a tank top. I didn't, I didn't have any fucking pigment. You know, but I got to tell you, you go down the pool. Some people, I don't know if they just have, they just, they can't see it. Or if they just don't give a fuck. Some of the shit that people wear down by a goddamn pool. I mean, it's just like, can you put that all of that shit away?

Can you put it away? Half the people at the pool should be wearing like one of those bathing suits from the roaring 20s. You know, where it was basically, it was kind of a mechanic suit. Like that Fonzie used to wear that onesie zip up, except you would cut the sleeves off and you would cut the legs off. That's what guys would wear. Women would wear the same thing and they'd have a little frilly thing going around the outside. Now, it's unreal, man. Oh, Jesus, my generation.

Whew, it's, it's ugly. The tramp stamps, the barbed wire tattoo around your arm. It's just, it's not a good fucking look. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 23rd, 2010. How the hell are you? What's going on? I just got back from Portland, Oregon.

I'm actually taping this Sunday night because I got a bunch of bullshit I have to do tomorrow. I don't know what the fuck. I just got back from Portland and I hate doing these things Sunday night because I'm still like jet lagged. I'm out of it. So this is going to be a rough one and I'm plowing through this even if it fucking sucks. I'm not stopping it and re-recording it like I did last week because that ended up getting me in trouble. That's how I started talking about that Dr. Laura shit last week. And I got to say for the first time, maybe the second time ever, I'm nominating myself as douchebag of the week

because last week I actually supported Dr. Laura because I had no fucking idea who she was. I was having a rough time doing the podcast. I needed some fodder. Somebody sent me an email. What do you think about this? And I watched like a 10 second clip of evidently a five minute clip. And I just thought she was imitating something she saw in Def Jam. So I was like, well, she's quoting it.

She's not calling anybody that word, but all that bullshit. And then Jesus, oh Jesus, the fucking emails came in from evidently from my 14 podcast listeners. Evidently like six of them are African American. And yeah, they read me the riot act in different stages. And I got to admit they were fucking right because I didn't, you know something, my uninformed logic is usually funny that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I go off on shit and I realize that our race probably isn't one that you should probably do that on. I didn't know that she was like, like Rush Limbaugh with a cunt.

I had no idea. I just, you know, I didn't know the fuck she was. I thought she was some soccer mom with a podcast, you know, and she was like, all the crazy kids out there are fucking blah, blah, blah. I had no idea. So I fucking eggs on my face. But you know, it's funny. One guy got so into fucking trash in me.

Wait, before I close this email, here's something I got from a former Marine talking about that clapping for the troops going through the airport. He goes, as a former Marine, nothing was a bigger joke than seeing those support the, support the troops stickers. Talk about an empty gesture and clapping is even the lame. I've always fucking thought those bumper stickers were stupid. Support the troops. You just, you go buy that for a buck, slap it on the back of your truck or car and then you just drive away. Well, I did my part. Do you support the troops?

Have you looked at my bumper sticker? Well, all right then. Yeah, that's fucking lame. He said, and clapping is even the lame. He said, you're on the right track sending over drinks to veterans who got back. But think bigger. How about a program called Head for Heroes? That's right.

Every service member returning from whatever fucked up third world shithole we're engaged in at the time gets met at the airport by some gorgeous whore and blown in a specially designated area. That would be a great way of showing the country's gratitude. You know what? I think if you can bail the bankers out, give them a trillion dollars, I think you can get a couple of fucking who is. Forget about the girls who have a fucking uniform fetish. But anyways, yeah, so I got fucking trashed. I took a little heat off of Mel Gibson, I bet, but he got a couple of less fucking hate mails last week. So I apologize.

I don't know who she is. I'm not going to apologize for my stupidity, but in the future, when it's something race related, I will try to be a little more informed. All right, well, I got to find this fucking email with this guy fucking trashed me. You know, he said, let's see. He goes, it starts off good. Just trashing me, which I totally get. He goes, just like in your bit, you did about the Jimmy the Greek thing. It's best for white people to just leave it alone.

Dr. Laura may be old, but she's aware enough to know what happens to white people when they say the N word or bring up racial supremacy theories. See, that's the part of the tape I didn't watch. I showed up late to that rally, you know, by the time I showed up, they'd already put the cross out, you know, everybody's hoods. They took them off. It was a hot day. I didn't know what I was walking into. I thought it was like a fucking, you know, AA meeting or something. You know, we're all over by the table having donuts.

It's my fault. I came in late. So anyways, I said, the podium comes out. So I'm surprised you defended Dr. Laura in this case. They asked where I got a lot of them. Surprised you defended her because I watched eight seconds of the tape because I'm a moron. I don't understand why there's any debate about racial. Why any debate about racial inequality always comes down to comedians and deaf comedy jam.

I don't think it does, but evidently in your world, maybe it does. I've heard this argument before. Well, black comedians say this and that about white people and say the N word. Why can't I? Is it fair for minority comedians? And all basically, all that shit. I'm trying to get to this part here. So then he was talking about this documentary saw where some comic was saying, you know, making a joke.

This is actually a good joke where white people like, why can't I say the N word? And then the duo was like, Oh, it's Chris Rock. Well, why do you even want to say it? Right? Great fucking joke. Totally makes sense. And then the punchline is I've sailed the world. I've fucked Raquel Welch.

If I could just say the N word, my life would be complete. Then this dude writes after that. He goes, I think that it bothers white people because you're not used to being told that you can't do something. White people used to be able to do and say anything they wanted. Now there's all these rules. Isn't that fucking that part of the email? That's where it just went off the fucking rails for me. You know what I mean?

It's like, I totally get it. She's a fucking idiot. I didn't realize it because I watched that short little clip. I shouldn't have supported that shit. And you're offended by that, which I totally get. And then in the end, you make some dumb generalization about white people. See, we're all the same. We're fucking morons.

Jesus Christ, I've sailed the world, fucked Raquel Welch. See, that part's the joke, but this here's what he writes. It bothers white people that you're not being used to being told that you can't do something. Oh yeah. Yeah, we just run around doing whatever the fuck we want to do. It's great. Jesus Christ, that's one of the great stereotypes. Is that we're all Kennedys living on fucking Martha's Vineyard,

rather than fucking, you know, the majority of white people aren't. The majority of white people sitting in cubicles, not living their dream, drowning in a sea of fucking debt, trying to get health insurance. Isn't that the majority of fucking white people? Evidently not. Evidently, according to this guy, white people have yachts. Sailing the world.

All 300 million of us. You know, did you see it during the Gulf spill there? You know, that was one of the biggest problems. All those white people, all the 300 million white people with their fucking yachts just sailing around. Oh, it's so awesome to be white. You can just walk, you can do whatever you want to do. It's fucking incredible. That's an argument I've gotten into with, I think, every fucking, yeah,

female comics, black comics, every fight, they just go, yeah, it's easy for you. All you gotta do is show up, man. Oh, yeah, that's all it is. I don't even audition. I just lay here and they call me up and I'm like, why did you give me that part? Because you're white.

Here you go. You don't have to work for shit. You know, that's that classic, you know, that's that fucking double standard right there. Okay, now we're opening a whole nother can of worms. Let's talk race for the next couple of weeks, people. This ought to bring out a lot of ugliness. That's that classic fucking, like, that's one of those statements. Like, if you flip that thing, what you just said there, that generalization that you made of white people,

that basically what, we just sit around and people just give us shit. And we can do whatever the fuck we want to do. You're basically going to define us by the Illuminati. If you flip that around and somebody white says that about another race of people, then they're in like a Mel Gibson situation. All right. Now, I'm open this up for discussion. I'm not open this up for fucking rednecks to come on here.

Be like, yeah, that's what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm not saying it like that. But what I'm saying, you know what, this is what I've learned. Traveling the fucking globe. And by the globe, I mean, I went to two other continents. I went to Australia and Europe. I did all my research with just white people. All right.

And yeah, I think pretty much people are all the same. You know, there's a few, like, very small percentage of people on this planet are genuinely good people. And everybody else is pretty much full of shit. And everybody looks at everybody else and they think they got it easier. And all you got to do is, yeah, all you got to do is this. I got to work twice as hard at this guy and this guy does this. And, you know, no one wants to know what I've learned. Well, you probably don't want to know because I'm a fucking moron.

But for what it's worth, this is what I've learned in life is that life isn't fair. It's really fucking difficult. But if you bust your ass, you're going to make it on whatever level you're going to fucking make it. And you don't fucking quit. If somebody kicks you in the fucking chest, you get back up again. You don't walk right into his foot. You go around. You find a different fucking avenue.

Or maybe you build your own avenue. You do whatever you're going to fucking do. And everybody's got different starting positions and all that shit. And it isn't fucking fair. And there's nothing you can fucking do about it. But, you know, and there's some people who don't get stuff because of who they are, because they're this or they're that or they're fat. They're fucking an Asian guy with one leg.

Okay. And he can't work at a goddamn fucking place where you get a fake tan. You know, yeah, that shit definitely fucking exists. But, you know, what are you going to do? You know, but you know what? I think most people don't make it because they're fucking pussies. And they just tap out. You know, and I'm talking about fucking white.

I'm actually talking mostly white people because that's what I know. You know, and I got people, people I know. They just fucking quit and they got all these fucking excuses why they can't fucking do it. And it's like, no, you quit. You got punched once in the face and then you just fucking laid down. And now you're going to fucking blame everybody else. Right. Did that make any fucking sense?

I'm trying to say something positive here. Trying to be balanced where it's like, I know, you know, like female comics are always fucking complaining. But, you know, I can't tell you the amount of fucking times I would be auditioning for festivals and the industry be coming up to me going, we need funny women. Where are the funny women? And then they would pick a fucking woman just because they needed one. Not because they were one of the funnier fucking people. I'm not saying that female comics aren't funny, but I'm just saying there are examples.

You know what? You guys can all go fuck yourself. I'm a balding redhead trying to get into movies. All right. You know, cry me a fucking river. I don't give a shit. All right. But I was wrong about the Dr. Laura thing.

Okay. Why don't I start a fucking group crying about how there's no fucking redheaded action heroes out there? You know? Jesus Christ. What's that fucking movie? That's the number one movie in the country. They got 58 fucking action stars in there. One of them can't be a redhead.

Couldn't have called up David Caruso to show his pasty white ass walking up to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ah, who gives a fuck? All right. So there you go. That was my roundabout apology. No, seriously, I really felt bad about that. I felt like an ignorant ass. And rather than just immediately come on and apologize, I left it up there for a week so I'd get my nice pounding from everybody.

And yeah, you know what I mean? I fuck around. I say a lot of fucked up shit, but I, you know, I'm trying to start your week off right. I'm not trying to piss you off, although there's probably a lot of women out there who would fucking disagree. But, you know, it's comedy, you know? People get hurt. It's how it fucking works. This is the worst apology ever.

But it's coming from the heart. All right. So go fuck yourselves. That's how I got to end it. All right. I grew up with no hugs. So if I'm trying to be fucking nice, it has to end with go fuck yourself. Speaking of go fuck yourself, I just got back from Portland, Oregon, and I had a great time up at the Helium Comedy Club, the grand opening.

Helium Comedy Club, and Portland, Oregon is a city that I have not worked in ten years because there was no comedy club for a guy in my situation to come in there and work. I did work. There was a local club there, but it wasn't really a comedy club. It was, but it wasn't like the club owner. This is basically what he would do. He would paper the room, which is the show biz term. He would just call people up. Did I talk about this last week?

I can't even fucking remember. He would just call people up and just say, you know, or have this whole team of telemarketers call up people and tell them that they want a comedy show. And he would just call enough people where he would fill up his room every fucking night of the week from Tuesday through Sunday. And everybody got in for free. And then all he did was fucking just throw food and drinks down their fucking throats. And that's how he makes his million. But meanwhile, the comedian stands on stage in front of a bunch of fucking drunk, overeaten jackasses who could give a fuck about the show. And you had to go up there on a Tuesday night with a goddamn whip and a chair.

Two shows Friday, three shows Saturday. The guy would, he wouldn't even let you talk to the wait staff. You'd think if you'd put a comedian through that bullshit, they could at least try to get fucking laid. You know, try to get a little bit of action. He fucking cockblock you on like nine different levels. It's a fucking horrific gig is what I'm telling you. And then the second you got a TV credit and you said, hey, can I have an extra quarter the next time I fly across the country? And then the guy, he just wouldn't return your phone call.

So he basically, other than up and coming guys would just be booking horrific talent. So Portland has been really starved for any sort of national headliners. So now there's a new club out there and I was really excited to be the first guy to come to town. And, uh, and have a, you know, work the comedy club. And I had no idea how bad that other club was until I talked to some of the younger comics. This guy told me he walked in there to do a spot. He moved up from, uh, from host to feature. And that club owner guy calls him and he's like, look, I make a million dollars a year just selling food.

That's what he said. When you get on stage, no F bombs. It just reads him the fucking riot act. It's horrible. It's great business model. He's made his money, but it's fucking horrible for the development of comedians. He's just sitting on their fucking chests and their dicks. He's not even letting them get fucking laid.

What a day, you know, just asshole, fucking asshole. Um, so it's great that there's a new comedy club out there and that, you know, there's another place for these comics to work and that they can actually see national headliners, because that was a fucking big thrill for me when I was back in Boston. So, uh, so if you live in the Portland area, you know, if you're a lumberjack climbed down out of the fucking tree and come on down to a helium comedy club, it's a great club and, uh, he's got, who's he got next week? He's got, uh, Jimmy Pardo.

It's who he's got, Jimmy Pardo. Uh, right? Is that who it is? What? I think there was one other person. Um, oh, Reggie Watts. Reggie Watts on Wednesday and then Jimmy Pardo from the Never Not Funny podcast. Jesus Christ, I'm losing my goddamn memory.

I knew there was somebody else, so go check out those shows next week and, uh, support a comedy club that actually will book somebody who's funny and on television. All right. We're plowing ahead here. Um, what's the next thing on the docket? I really have, I don't have shit this week. Do I? What am I 17 minutes in?

That's not bad. Gonna fucking tap out at 40 minutes. Yeah. You know, you guys don't go home early every once in a while and just fake a fucking injury at work. Try to pretend like a forklift drove over you or some shit. You know what I really wanted to do was I wanted to look up that five hour energy here on the internet. Five hour energy. Now this is how I do my research.

Five hour energy, I think, is liquid cocaine. And I think it really fucks with you. I think it's bad. So, um, rather than just look up five hour energy consumer reports, I'm gonna search five hour energy unhealthy. See, and this is how most people do research. They already have their mind made up and then they just read shit that agrees with them. You know, according to fuckface.com, I'm exactly right. Side effects to five hour energy drink shots.

Are they unhealthy? Unhealthy. Let's read this one. This is the first one that came up. Side effects to five hour... Okay, I was at lunch today and my friend was trying to get someone to drink five hour energy caffeine shot. So I opened it and smelled it and said I'd give it a shot. Anyways, I think you're supposed to mix them in a drink, but I straight chugged it and almost gagged from the taste after I swallowed it.

It took me like 50 minutes to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. I tried eating food, chewing gum, drinking, but the taste stayed in my mouth for like 40 minutes. I felt sick every time I thought about the taste. I think the taste bothered me so much. Ah, jeez, this is why you do research. Are you gonna get to the part where you had the heart attack so I can feel like I'm right? I think the taste bothered me so much. Caffeine...

Anyways, I'm shy, so after the taste and the sickness wore off, I was feeling great all day. And I felt probably the happiest I have all school year because all my subtle tendencies wore off and I acted more outgoing and funny like I do around friends. They just turned this dude into a fucking coke head. That's a classic reason why people do drugs. It helps me loosen up, man. I can talk to the chicks. There's nothing on here. Are you shitting me? Ah, it gives a fuck. I just, you know...

Why don't you get eight hours sleep? Why don't you start that? You know, I had somebody else, another mother call in or write in going back to that fucking that shit I said about stay at home moms. And once again, they were doing, she was saying, I totally agree with you. I understand you're absolutely right. They have no right to be saying it's the most difficult job ever. And then she wrote three paragraphs about how difficult it is to be a mother and to be worrying up and having the responsibility of another life. I get it. I know I don't totally get it because I don't have a kid, but you know, enough already.

All right, like that other listener said, you chose to be a mother. You know, you're acting like all of a sudden you got like a fucking terminal disease. And all you're doing is bringing up the bad shit. What about when you have a bad day and you come home and that kid with, you know, all that innocent just looks at you and just thinks you're bigger than life? What about that? Doesn't that, that, that, you know, wash away some of the spittle on your shoulder blade? I don't fucking know. You know, it's funny. Actually, ironic was I was just watching 60 minutes and they had one of those guys on the fucking BP oil rig.

And I said, when they jumped off of it, it was the equivalent of jumping off a three-story fucking brownstone. Evidently, it's the equivalent of jumping off a 10-story fucking building. That's what they did. That was their choice, standing there, the middle of the goddamn ocean. Either I burn up or I jump into the fucking oily water with that off. It was brutal. Okay? So while you moms stand the fuck down, stop giving me shit, I was just fucking joking around.

I'm just gonna have to end up apologizing to everybody. You know, I had somebody writing to me today from New Zealand. This podcast is really gonna be random. Somebody wrote it from New Zealand. I was thinking about this topic that from people in all these random countries who listen to this podcast, I'm gonna start nominating who I think the coolest person from your country is. And with New Zealand, I think it's a no-brainer. It's Phil Rudd. You don't get any cooler than that guy.

He's played the exact same drum beat for fucking 35 years and he's such a tough bastard that no one has the balls to tell him to switch it up. You know, Phil, like, how about boom-chack, boom-chack-chack? You know, how about that? Fucking guy. The whole fucking, the whole goddamn album. I think he just goes in there, right? And he just starts fucking playing that beat and then they just play the whole song, the whole fucking album worth the songs.

And then when they're done, they just start yelling. Phil! Phil! It's over! We're done! Yeah, we made another album. And he's just like, oh, all right, yeah, he just starts breaking down his kit. Oh, jeez, I got nothing.

Am I really riffing about Phil Rudd? It was some of the worst beatboxing you're ever gonna fucking hear. Oh, here we go. You know what, I gotta read this right here. Now I got something. This will take up a good three fucking minutes. You know what, I liked that this podcast is this difficult. Now you guys can relate to me.

You know, you're sitting there in your goddamn cubicles on a fucking Monday. Unless you're white, of course, you're out on your yacht, you know, chatting it up with a Kennedy. Hey, when's the stock market gonna crash again? Give me the heads up. Don't tell the Puerto Ricans. That's what it's like. That's exactly what it's like. There's not white people working farms, slaves to corporations.

No, not at all. Not at all. All you do. You don't have to get up. You don't have to get up. I spent nine years in bed just because I was white and that just fucking hilarious. I made more money then than when I worked. That's how great it is to be white.

It's so fucking easy. And thank God for people who aren't white, who've never been white, to tell me what it's like to be white. It's fucking awesome. Let me tell you something about being white, white guy. This is how good it is. Oh, yeah? What are you reincarnated? What's your name?

Frank in another life? Is that a white guy name? I don't fucking know. All right. So anyway, so I've pissed off a bunch of people and I just want to, I just want to try to redeem myself and show you that it's not all bad. That's not all bad. You know, I do inspire some people. Here's one for you.

Milk white thighs is the name of this email somebody sent me. It said, Bill, a few things. The last five years I've been six feet tall, 240 pounds. I've been trying to work out with no results and no willpower. I usually lose five pounds, give up and sit and eat shit. However, you talked on the podcast a few weeks ago about Bill Clinton and Al Gore sloshing around the White House. I believe I said sashaying around the White House with their milky white hips. I was in a quiet room with about 15 people and blurted, blurt laughed out loud, laughed loudly, blurt laughed loudly.

That's really worded strangely. You burst it out laughing. There we go. Ever since then, I will be sitting watching TV, looking at my treadmill, and I will say to myself, slosh your ass up there and work off those milky white hips or something to that effect. It makes me laugh every time and realize how pathetic I've been. It's been about three weeks of this every day and 45 minutes on the treadmill. I'm down to 208 pounds, well on my way to my goal of a buck 80.

Also, I'm a dude and my name is Lindsay. I know you don't have a lot of female listeners, so if you ever feel like you need a quote or just a woman's approval on something you do, feel free to use my name and just say, yeah, this chick Lindsay. I know this chick Lindsay, who digs it. I'm more than willing to compromise my sexuality for the furthering of your career. I would buy five of anything Bill Burr is endorsing. All right, there you go. There's a good email.

Congratulations. You're down to 208. Keep going. And I'm glad, you know, I'm glad I just didn't bring all negativity to the podcast this past week. I felt fucking horrible about that, even though I've been kind of a cunt again this week. That's what I do. You know, you came back, didn't you? You know, I don't know any better.

I'm just a white guy laying in bed. I can't remember the last time I've had disappointment in my life. It just doesn't happen. It just doesn't happen. You know, you know, sometimes the sale on my schooner will break. And I'm just like, God, Jesus Christ. And then I call the government. I say, can you send me another one?

They're like, wait, what color are you? I say, white. They go, there you go. Right on the way. You know, I agree with the first half of the email of this guy. I'm making fun of it, but I would love to send this guy my fucking taxes. I really would. These motherfuckers.

What a lot of people don't realize is that rich people feel there's enough rich people. And they got all kinds of fucking, they take a fucking pipe to your goddamn knees every fucking quarter. They make sure they can only be, they can only be a certain number or a fucking rich people, unless you just invent some shit like, I don't know, I don't know what. If you come up with the technology for the fucking iPod, then even then, I mean, they'll just, they'll just hire you on as like a scientist, right? I'm really getting to know over my fucking head here. You know what I mean?

If you come up with Facebook, if you invent that, I think that's the way now that you can actually become fucking rich. But I'll tell you right now, it's not fucking telling jokes. Fucking assholes. Fucking assholes. Goddamn fucking quarter, I gotta, I gotta, oh gee, I'm not even gonna get into it. I'm not even gonna fucking get it. Just give me something so fucking mad. Every time I think I'm getting ahead, look at me, I'm getting ahead of here, fucking sit down.

That's what they do every quarter. You sit the fuck down, you stay right where you're at. Hey, sit right where you're at. That's what it is. Anybody else? This isn't even a color thing. Anybody else in the fucking middle class? There you go.

It's fucking rich pricks. Fucking less, goddamn eight years. They're making a ton of fucking money and then all of a sudden the shit hits the fan and they run out of the goddamn restaurant. Leave everybody else with the fucking check. Fucking unbelievable. Am I ever gonna get that fucking car? I'll tell you, you know, I got off the plane today and somebody had the Dodge Challenger and the All-White, like the vanishing point. You guys ever see that movie with that dude Kowalski?

He's got an All-White charger, so they did this tribute to it. It's all fucking white and the guy had these fucking rims on it and I just sat there drooling at it. My girl's looking at me like, she's like, Jesus Christ, you are obsessed with that car. It's like, yeah, you know, I am. Well, you know, I'm standing here. You just got off the plane. You could say hello to me, you know. Oh, you know what that reminds me of?

I fucking went to go to this pizza place. I really tried to do fun things when I was in Portland. Tried to be healthy. I went for a fucking hike. I was sticking with my smoothies, you know, dropping pounds here. And anyway, somebody tells me that in Portland they have this fucking, they got this pizza parlor where they had the best goddamn pizza in all the fucking Northwest. So this guy has like this homemade goddamn dough and he only makes so much of it every day. And when he's done making the dough, he's done making pizza.

Go fuck yourself. All right. So I'm like, you know, well shit, I got to try this pizza. So I go on the internet. I look up. I see where it is. It's right on Hawthorne Street, like 45th and Hawthorne, 46th and Hawthorne, something like that. Right.

So I'm like, all right, I got to go check this fucking thing out. I get myself an hour and a half before the show to get there, to get a goddamn pizza. Right. It's a fucking pizza. Okay. So I call up, just told me to call, just to call this place. And I call up, it rings like 11, 12 fucking times. And nobody picks up.

So I'm like, ah, you know what? They're probably busy. No big deal. I got to get there an hour and a half before. Right. I get a goddamn cab. I'm driving over there. The cab driver goes, oh, just let you know, this guy's kind of like the pizza Nazi, like

the fucking soup Nazi on Seinfeld. So I show up and I walk in. Lo and behold, the place is packed, but I see this little two top gets up. Waitress is cleaning off the table. She walks away. So I go over and I sit down, getting ready to order the pizza. I'm checking out what people are ordering. I'm getting excited is what I'm trying to tell you.

And then the waitress comes over. She's like, um, were you over in the waiting room next door? Or did you just like walk in here and sit down? And I was like, um, I just came in and sat down. She goes, yeah, um, you have to like sign in, um, next door. You know, those people, everything's, everything's a question. You have to like sign in next door. And I'm like, oh, all right.

I go, well, how long is the wait? I was like, well, I can't really like say it's, you know, it's kind of busy. At that point is like a quarter of it. Oh, well, I got to show it eight to quarter to seven. Am I going to have time to order a pizza and eat it? She's like, yeah, no, no. And I'm, and then that's when my blood starts fucking boiling because I realized what I just walked into.

You know what I walked into? I walked into the pizza version of pinks, hot dogs out here in fucking LA, the pizza version of Magnolia Bakery in New York City or that fucking place where you get the hot dogs in Chicago. You know, hour and 15 minutes to make a fucking pizza. You can't do that. This guy sitting here acting like, you know, like he's making some sort of gourmet for now.

I'll tell you right now, that's my overrated for the fucking week standing in line at any restaurant. These, you know, the breakfast place in your neighborhood and your girlfriend's like, oh my God, the stuff French toast is to die for. And you stand there and fucking line. Never worth it. It's never worth the hype. Okay.

If you learn anything from this podcast, other than I'm an ignorant asshole, don't ever stand in line for fucking food. Okay? Unless some, there's a natural disaster. The place is flooded and there's scooping out fucking pea soup, you know, and you're putting it into your baseball hat. Then you'll stand in line. Soup kitchen.

You stand in line. But don't stand outside these fucking places. It's stupid. It's never worth it. You know, fancy restaurants, you don't stand outside. You call up, you make a fucking reservation. But I'm not standing out there like I'm waiting to fucking... Do they even make goddamn sense?

You know what I mean? These fucking people in New York, they stand outside. For 90 minutes for a cupcake. For fucking cupcake. It's gone in three seconds. You know what's going to piss me off is some people in Portland, okay? They're actually going to figure out what pizza parlor I'm talking about. And then they're going to tell me, dude, it's totally fucking worth it.

These low self-esteem douchebags who just allow themselves to get totally treated like absolute fucking shit for pizza. Yeah, sorry. I can't make you a pizza within an hour and 15 minutes. Well, you know what? Fuck you and your fucking pizza. What do you think about that? And your number one goddamn rating?

I'll go to Pizza Hut. Eat their fucking slop. You know what's killing me is I know I'm going to have to go back. I have to try it. People hyped it so much. That's what I'm really mad about. I know as much as I just fucking talked about that shit, I'm going to have to go back there and go get it.

And for all you guys wondering, you know, that Magnolia, it's a great cupcake, but it's not that great. It's not that great to have to stand there and listen to that awful conversation and have people driving by looking at you trying to figure out what are they standing in line for? You know? Is the president there doing a book signing?

Is there a porn star there who's going to blow you at the front of the line? Can I raise the stakes for something funny within the last seven minutes? All right, fuck this. Fuck this podcast. Here we go. Why don't I nominate some YouTube videos for the week, everyone? I have a ton of them, and I'm going to make the bold Rex Ryan statement that I think pretty goddamn soon, if not already,

themmpodcast.com is going to have the best fucking YouTube video collection of YouTube videos. All right? I mean, because you guys are on the cutting edge. A lot of these videos that you guys sent me, they only got like, you know, 10,000 to 40,000 fucking hits. Some of them have like 100,000 or so like that, and even a few with a million, but they're really funny.

I don't give a shit, but I think that we're on the cutting edge of some shit. Like, here's two that I found that have, you know, only, you know, in the tens of thousands of hits. So I'm assuming you haven't seen them. Look up Prank of the Century. This woman puts on a mask and scares this shit out of this other woman, and it's, you gotta watch it. It's fucking great.

And then Pissed Off Cat freaks out. Look up that one. And we got a lot of people you guys like violent shit. I'm trying to categorize them now. And by the way, themmpodcast is the official fan page of the Monday Morning Podcast. If you don't want to, you know, it's a pain in the ass to go on YouTube and try to find six different videos, right? Typing it in and all that shit.

You're going to get caught. You're not supposed to be doing it, but if you just subtly type in themmpodcast.com and nobody's fucking looking, all of them are going to be right there. And you can watch one after another, you know, or you can make it last the whole fucking day. You can even drink that five-hour fucking energy and just start screaming at your screen if you want. It's all up to you.

So anyways, here's a couple of you fight fans out here. We'll start slow. Look up Choke Slam. I hope that's the name of the fucking video. It's just referee, reffing a fight, and it's Choke Slam. Look it up, all right? Here's kind of a cute one. It says, little girl boxer.

It's actually a boy. His name's Pretty Boy Bam Bam. And you got to look at this fucking kid. This kid would kick the shit. Just imagine this kid fighting another fifth grader. And this is the most insane one. Boston Street Fight guy with bat does damage. Boston Street Fight guy with bat, as in baseball bat, does damage.

What else do we got? Something ridiculous. Swollen in South Philly. It's a guy walking around like he's got a fucking heart on, having conversations with people. Sort of an old bit. I've seen it done before, but this guy does it great. Wrestling fans, we got two for you.

Macho Man on Coke. And Ultimate Warriors Confession is absolutely fucking brilliant. You got to look at that one. Oh, more violence. Office worker goes insane. Second angle. Apparently there's some new footage. What else?

Oh, this is a great one. Look up the Turtle Man. This one might be my favorite. This guy's missing all his front teeth. And when you find out how he's missing his teeth, it's just one of the great stories that he just alludes to it. It's fucking awesome. It's just this redneck who just fucking catches turtles.

And I swear to God, I would pay admission to sit on the side of the pond and just watch this guy catching turtles. It's fucking hilarious. And actually getting into covers. We're talking about the worst covers of all time. Here's a great, one of the best covers I've ever seen, just as far as being creative. Look up Stairway to Heaven, the Beatniks.

That's all one word. B-E-A-T-N-I-X. It's fucking cool as hell. It's really fucking cool. They do Stairway to Heaven the way the Beatles would do it. It's really fucking, I don't know, it's really creative. And speaking of movies, here's one for you. I got in this conversation with somebody on the internet.

They sent me an email and they were talking about how, you know, they're not married yet, so they're kind of hanging out with people who are younger than them. So they get a little bummed out when they make references to movies that nobody's seen before. So he started showing them some of the classics like The Dirty Dozen and that type of shit. And he asked me, you know, what are some of the great fucking movies I should recommend, but then led it to like music and that type of shit. And here's a new topic for you. You guys have like songs, you must have these fucking songs that the second you hear them,

you can't hear the song without thinking of the movie. You know what I mean? Of course you do. I'll give you a classic fucking example. And I think even the broads will know this one. Did I get rid of it? I had it all fucking queued up. I really am the worst.

Can I ever do this? This is why I started off in fucking radio and then my career quickly ended. Because I would do the whole beginning. You're listening to 6.40 a.m. WECB broadcast service. The fucking whatever the fuck I used to say. Hang on a second. Let me get to YouTube. God damn it, Bill.

And now there's a lull. See what happens? You know what? I'll play the other one. Well, no, I can't do that. I have the inability to do that. Shit. All right, let me set the mic down.

Hang on a second. All right. All right for once. All right. Now I'm yelling at you because I fucked up. What the hell's the name of that fucking song? Something, something, something, something. There it is.

I got it. Hang on, hang on, hang on. You fucking cunt. Come on. Come up. Should I edit this out? You know what this is like is when you fucking, someone just told you what their name is, and then somebody you know comes walking in and you go to introduce them and you have

no fucking idea who they are. That's how I'm speaking right now. All right. What movie does this remind you of instantly? Come on. You know what? You know the movie, right? I know most of you know them.

The broads will get it. Come on. You know this? I'll wait for the breakdown. I'll wait for the breakdown of it. Where the hell is it? Where the hell is it? I had this whole fucking thing queued up.

This part right here. You don't remember this? I even did the sound effects. Remember that? Reservoir Dogs when he cuts the fucking dude's ear off. I used to love that goddamn song, and I couldn't listen to it for 10 years, because every time I fucking heard it, I just thought about Marvin Nash getting his goddamn ear cut off. Stop.

Stop. Yelling at him. What a great piece of acting by both of those guys. Whoever played Marvin Nash and Mr. Blonde. I can never remember people's fucking names. We'll call him Vince Gilligan. I don't know his fucking name. How the fuck did I forget his name?

Most guys to play a psycho would act like a fucking psycho, how they think a psycho's supposed to act. And just how fucking commy was. That's what's really fucking scary. Somebody cutting your ear off going, And acting like a fucking maniac. You don't almost start laughing halfway through it. Like is this guy mocking being crazy?

But it's the calmness with which he does it. Here's another one for you. These are really easy for like guy movies. So I need some more suggestions. I'm actually going to disguise this one. I downloaded this song because of the movie. And I didn't realize that this fucking Irish dude babbles telling some fucking story for 20 minutes before they get to the part that I actually recognized.

Let's see if he can guess this one. Here we go. What movie? Alright, you're like, what the fuck is this? I didn't want to get blood on the floor. Come on, you know it. Below the ocean. That's Donovan singing Atlantis.

That was from the Billy Bats scene. When they start kicking the shit out of the fucking Billy Bats. Is there anything better than that fucking camera angle? When they're pointing up at Robert De Niro's character, Jimmy, just fucking kicking him. Ric Flair couldn't do fake kicks better than Robert De Niro, you know? He's just sitting there kicking him. See, this was bad. Billy Bats was a made guy with some real greaseball shit.

We did what we wanted. We were wise guys, right? What's the last one I got here? So as usual, you know, whenever people ask these questions, I can't remember them. Let's see, here's one for you. This is actually an interesting one. This is one from a movie that the dude ended up selling. This is from Coolhand Luke.

Alright? For those of you who have seen Coolhand Luke, if you haven't seen Coolhand Luke, you gotta fucking watch that movie, alright? Basically, the guy who did the score wrote this song. This is a scene where they have to tar this road. And Paul Newman's character, you know, rather than just sitting there being like this is a miserable fucking job, he gets them all amped up. It's supposed to take all fucking day, but he gets these guys so fucking amped up. They just, they just fucking, they just, it's like they took five hour energy.

And before they, they just flying down the fucking road and they're all laughing, having a great fucking time and they finished the road and they actually have an afternoon off, right? So it was like Paul Newman's way of saying fuck you to the screws. Is that what they called them back then? To the guards, right? So they had to have this music. So this guy wrote this score for this scene. But the problem was, it was perfect for the movie, but the problem was, years later, he sold it. Or I don't know how far along, he sold it.

And it got played so much in this other shit that it actually kind of fucks up the movie. This is, this is the score. This is going to be for some older people to actually understand. This is the music that they had for the, it's called tar sequence. When they, when they tar the road and they ended up selling, the guy ended up selling the song for something else. Here it is, just listen to this shit. Ah, you suck. God damn it. Fuck this E. This is why I got out of radio. I used to do shit like that on the air. That would be the worst break ever.

I am the fucking worst. What a great intro I gave that song. Alright, here we go. This is for tar in the road. Totally makes sense. Wait for it. Good evening and welcome to the six o'clock news. There was a four car accident. The motherfucker sold it to every six o'clock news station. This was the classic, if you're fucking old like me, anytime the fucking news came on, this is the fucking song that they played.

This is back when they actually had fucking journalists telling you what the corporations wanted you to know. Good evening. I'm Jake Johansson. What did I say? I mean, Jake Johansson. I was, that's how fucked up my brain is. I was trying to think of Chet Curtis. I was like, well, I can't say, I can't say Chet. That's an actual fucking name. I don't name names. So then I'll go, I'll go with Jake. And then for some reason I don't, it just got all crossed up and I said, Jake Johansson.

I gave Jake Johansson a fucking shout out. The best goddamn comedians the last fucking 20 years from my money. So anyways, yeah, it's called out the tar sequence. So that one actually doesn't remind me of the fucking, that's a reverse one. I actually watched the movie and I'm getting into that scene and then I think there's like all of a sudden I'm going to start listening to the news. So Jesus Christ, that was probably the worst debut of any segment. But you knew you got to admit you were definitely into it, right? I know you guys have suggestions. Can you help me out?

All right, I'm fucking burned out with this fucking podcast. Trying to get ready to do other shit. And I'm just, you know, look at me, I'm fucking supporting Nazis now. Is that what I'm doing? Is that how fucking tired I am? Dr. Laura, that's not a bad birthday fucking moron. All right, here's one for you. You know what? I'm going to actually do one. I'm going to do one here for it to try to make peace after my Dr. Laura, uh...

Dr. Laura comments. Here we go. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I got to get a secretary for this shit. All right, where the fuck are we? Yeah, I fucking hate YouTube. I don't want you douchebags doing the fucking thing. I want the actual guy. Everybody doing a fucking remix. Wait, hang on, hang in there. There it is. Here we go.

All right, now this one's mainly going to be for the people that I offended last week. Last week. Where the fuck is it? Hang on now. All right, here we go. Here we go. This isn't going to remind... This isn't going to remind you of a movie. This is going to remind you of a TV show. What show is this? Hang on. This is the last one. Come on. Wait a minute, you fucking cunt. I didn't hit pause, did I?

Hang on. All right, this is going to remind you of a TV show. What TV show? I somehow missed that one that came out. That's the Carlton dance. I think I was too old for that one. I kind of tapped out with sitcoms after... Well, happy days and I went into Cheers. I started boozing and actually believed Cheers.

I believed that there was a bar like that. And you come in and just being an alcoholic was funny and fulfilling. I guess there was the sadness. He completely avoided his wife Vera and they never showed her. Anyways, you know what? I think that's going to be the podcast for the week. I got to tap out here, man. This trying to do one on the road the day after I come off the road is really difficult. But fortunately, things have been going well that I'm really busy. So I guess that is a good fucking thing.

But you get used to this comedian lifestyle. You just get to fucking hang out on a Monday. Now I actually have shit to do, which is annoying. It's not why I started being a comedian. So I would not have shit to do. You know? Wouldn't have a boss. Tell fucking jokes.

Talk about my dick in all 50 states and whatnot. Believe it or not, people, my next stand-up date isn't until September 9th at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Let's blow through some dates, shall we? By the way, my tickets for my big theater tour that I'm doing... are on sale now. And I don't have the fucking link, do I? Where is it? Oh, you go to livenation.com

slash Bill Burr tickets. Or you just go to billburr.com. You just click on any of the dates here. I'm going to be... Before the theater tour starts, I'm also going to be at Zany's Comedy Club in Nashville, Tennessee on September 23rd, 24th, and 25th. One of my favorite clubs to play, as is the Comedy Works in Denver. September 10th.

Look at this. September 10th, 11th. I have September 9th, 10th, and 11th. There we go. That's when I'm working there. And then starts the theater shit. I'm going to be at The Egg in Albany, New York. All you people in upstate New York always say, Come to upstate New York, man, what the fuck? I'm going to be there.

I'm going to be at The Egg in Albany, New York. And then the following day, I'm going to be at the Center for the Arts Buffalo, New York. So I'm finally coming to Buffalo. I'm actually hitting up a bunch of towns that I haven't been to in fucking forever. Another city, a city I've never done stand-up in, a full set. I've done a guest set, but I've never gotten a gig out there. I'm going to be at the Pantages, Pantages, Pana Aegis, whatever the fuck it is, Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota on October 22nd.

And then the following day, I'm going to be at the Vic Theater in Chicago, Illinois on October 23rd. And any other ones? I got another theater date on November 19th. I'm at the Lisner Auditorium, Washington, D.C. And the last theater I have is the Moore Theater in Seattle, Washington on November 27th. You can go to billbird.com and just click on the links in the lower left-hand corner, and you can check out all that bullshit. And hopefully you'll come out to the shows.

We'll see how it goes. For those of you wondering if I'm just going to try to do theaters exclusively, no, I am not. I'm always going to be doing the clubs. The clubs are like the gym. It keeps you in shape. You come in, you do five, six shows, and then every once in a while, like Buffalo. I don't know, they don't really have a big-time comedy club out there. No disrespect to anybody out there, so you just come in, you try to do a theater. Same thing with Albany.

You start going to those really smaller fucking towns or smaller comedy markets, and then that's just when the local comedy club is just named like knee slappers. God damn it, you're funny. Who's ready to laugh? They just got awful fucking names, and they try to make you stay in a comedy condo. So that's why I always avoided those things, and I tried to stay in the bigger markets where they actually put me in a hotel. I'm like you, I like my comforts.

So that's the big tour coming up. And there's also a date there I missed in Columbus, Ohio. That's a club date, November 12th, 13th, and 14th. And the fucking, you know what kills me? It's how quick that's all going to go by, and another year is going to go by, as well as, you know, by the end of that tour, football season will be three quarters over. How fucking sad is that? At least the regular season. Who do you like, by the way?

Anybody? Anybody with some predictions? How about we try to do some predictions, and whoever comes the fucking closest gets an autographed DVD of my brand new DVD, let it go, because by then it'll be the end of the season, and I'll fucking say, nah, I'm not going to do that, then you won't fucking buy it. Right? I need to get you to buy it. God damn it, I suck at marketing. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week, it was very disjointed.

You know, it can't all be gold. You know, even Peyton Manning throws an interception every once in a while on the final drive of a fucking Super Bowl, doesn't he? Well, doesn't he? I actually saw what's his face. Drew Brees finally getting some props. He came in there with John Gruden. You know, John Gruden's got that unbelievable intensity,

that vein down the middle of his forehead. That's one of my favorite announcers out there, or Color Men, whatever the hell that guy's doing, that guy's the shit. There's nothing better than an ex-football player, and this is provided that they have broadcasting skills. Someone either played the game, coached the game, and that type of shit, and then you get the classic, like, broadcaster, like an Al Michaels or something like that to call the game,

and then you got your crew. Thank you, Bill. Thank you for breaking that down, as if we didn't fucking notice. Why don't you just admit, Bill, that you're just babbling at this point to somehow try and make it to, oh, I'm up to 57 minutes. That qualifies. I can tap out at this point. Don't you guys leave sometimes three minutes before five? So what have we learned this week?

We learned that even on major topics like race, Bill really doesn't do his research. We learned that I had some fat guy with milky white thighs to laugh at himself, and he's lost 40 pounds, so I'm not totally a bad guy, and that I guess when the troops come back, send him a drink or get him a blowjob or shut your face, and evidently they feel the same way of the support the troop bumper stickers as I do.

You like how I'm taking one Marine, his point of view, and just saying that that's everybody's, well, that's what the fuck I do. That's what I do. Support the troops. I always thought it was ridiculous. A lot of those bumper stickers that said I support the troops. It's like, well, why wouldn't you? What are you rooting for the other team? So fucking obvious.

I support the troops. Ice cream tastes good. I like babies. You know what he's going to have all kinds of obvious bumper stickers on the back of your fucking car? I saw a guy had a big heart on his side of his house. It said, love our troops. It just really gave me the creeps,

and every time I see it, I want to fucking rip it down. This other guy wrote me an angry fucking email all about the politics about sending the troops over there. It's just like he was fucking dropping all this knowledge, man, about what's really going on with the war, man. Like I don't realize that shit, but I also realize that those guys don't determine where the fuck they go. So I'm just trying not to be a dick.

I think I've been a dick enough, haven't I? I've got to be honest with you. I have no idea what I said for the last 11 minutes, but all I know is I recorded it and you're listening to it. So who's worse? Me? Are you guys just shaking your heads right now? He's really losing his mind. Yeah, I am. That's it.

So I got like two, three weeks off. I'm going to be hanging out. I'm going to be doing a lot of spots down the comedy store. If you're in Los Angeles, you're going to be working out my shit. If you want to come down there and watch me bomb, lean on the mic stand and stare at that all-weather carpet. As I work out my bits, pop in down the comedy store.

And that's it. Thanks to everybody who wrote in. And that is it. I'll talk to you guys next week. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.