Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-24-17

Episode Date: August 24, 2017

Bill rambles about population control, Isaiah Thomas trade and the word 'spectacle'.

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Just seeing how your week's going, how things are shaking out. Jesus Christ, if I get one more fucking tweet going, Bill, what do you think of the Kyrie Irving for fucking Isaiah Thomas trade? What do I think? I think Danny Angel's known what the fuck he's doing up until now. I think it's the trickle down effect of the Kevin Durant trade where you for some reason can just not have enough fucking stars, regardless of what your players are doing. Do you think they gave up too much? Only time will tell. I would say that I love Isaiah Thomas and what sucks about that trade was he was on his way to being like the fucking big poppy of the Celtics. He was going to have a freaking street named after him the way he was going. So it's a real shame.

And I was just a great dude and I, you know, I don't know. I just thought he was he fit in real well with our city. You know, he was on his way to being a great Celtic, I thought. And we gave a bunch of fucking people to get another guy who basically does the exact same thing has the same amount of stuff. I don't know. He's a little bit bigger. I don't know who the fuck knows. All I know is the team that Isaiah succeeded with last year no longer exists here. So, you know, I don't know what the fuck I don't fucking know. I hate all of this shit. They gave up a first brother.

Some guy from Croatia had a rough time in the summer league. Like how the fuck you get into the NBA to that level or any sport you need to get a fucking life. When you start knowing what people fucking make and all of that shit, like I, I don't, I, that's where I tap out. It's just like, oh, we traded that guy for that guy. I will see what happens. When does the season start in a couple of months? Yeah, I'll fucking think about it then. Either it's going to work or it's not going to work. There was a couple of Celtics fans fucking so stupid they burned their Isaiah Thomas jerseys like he left the Celtics like he was doing some sort of free agent. Fuck you got traded, you dumb fucks.

Then of course everybody on Twitter tweets it to me and acts like this is every Celtic fan and it isn't, it isn't. There's always these fucking morons, which is why I have been saying, you know, I would fucking, I'm telling you right now, this fucking Mayweather McGregor fight. If you ever wanted to solve the population problem, the amount of mouth breathers that are showing up. Okay, you send a fucking signal through the fucking bot, whoever orders the fight, that's it, you're done. Something happens, you know when they used to play, you know, those old spy movies where they would play that really high pitched fucking noise and people just grab their ears like, yeah, and then they would die. Yeah, do some Star Trek shit. That's going to go down is one of the biggest fucking ripoffs of all fucking time. Mayweather McGregor.

That's my prediction. And if it doesn't, I'll just say I was wrong and then I'll order the fight, but there is no fucking way. I'm going to sit there on Saturday night and watch a guy who used to fucking box. 15, 20 fucking years ago, fight a guy who fucking retired two years ago, who's in his 40s and everybody's asking. Acting like, oh, this is going to be his first fucking law. The guy's in his 40s. He's been retired for two years. You remember when Jordan came back on the fucking wizards?

Taking two, three fucking years off. You know, that was basketball. Forget about boxing. This is like the dumbest thing ever. You know what it really is? It's a bunch of fucking losers that want, you know, they aren't happy with their own lives that want to see a guy that's been shooting his mouth off saying, his life is fucking great. And they want to see him get knocked on his ass.

And I'm so sick of people going, it's a spectacle. It's a spectacle. I'm just, I'm tuning in for this spectacle. Why are you using that word spectacle? You fucking moron because everybody on sports has been saying this. So the amount of fucking mouth, breathing dopes that I've known, you know, and I'm one of them. I've never heard him use the expression spectacle in my life. Now it's like, yeah, just watch, I'm watching it for this spectacle.

It's a spectacle of sport. What does that mean? Exactly. A spectacle. You mean, is that like a fancy word for it's a fucking ripoff? These are the same people that would have paid fucking $60, you know, the equivalent of $60 30 fucking years ago, 40 years ago to watch Lyle Alzado fight fucking Muhammad Ali, which actually happened if you never looked it up. All right, spectacle.

Let's look up the definition of spectacle. Spectacle number one, something to stare at number two, a pay per view ripoff. No, a visually striking performance or display. An event or scene regarded in terms of its visual impact. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with sports right now or that that fucking league where they just take three people who used to be superstars and played three other people that used to play. Three other people that used to be superstars. And what do you get out of watching that half court of basketball confirmation that yes, we are all going to die a slow death.

I'm sorry, I'm really just being a Scrooge. Enjoy your fucking fight. I will not be watching it. I'm going to get out on the highway and drive like 80 miles an hour out here in LA, you know, and enjoy the city at the population that should be during that fucking fight. There's so many more constructive things that I can fucking do. And this, you know what it is? Is it just doing this clearly for the fucking money? And that's it.

So, you know, in a way, it's I'm actually happy for them because they're both getting their brains knocked out in every fucking fight. And God knows what's what their quality of life will be in their fifties. So good for them. Go out and get your fucking money. But I've given Mayweather at least, I don't know, his last seven fights times 60, 420 bucks that he should return at least a portion of it. He hasn't knocked anybody out since that was a Ricky Hatton. He fights fucking packy out 10 years after he should have. The guy shows up with the fucking injured shoulder.

His singing voice is gone and he just fucking out. It's just, I don't know. All right. I've said my piece. You guys enjoy the fucking fight and you text me your oh shit. It's and whatnot afterwards. Verzi was saying that bill. It's a spectacle.

It's a spectacle. It's like, dude, I've known you for 10 years. You've never said that word. Like they're above it. Like they're above it. I'm just watching you. I, you know, I know it's bullshit. I know it's like, no, dude, you can't look away.

That's what your fucking problem is. People who are getting it just because, oh, it's going to be so fucking ridiculous. Now the same fucking cunts in front of you causing a traffic jam because somebody's changing their tire on the side of the fucking road because they can't look away and they will right behind all those other cunts screaming at him going, go, go, go, drive. And then the second they come up to it, they're sitting there fucking rubber-necking right there. I'm telling you, you know what the human population is like?

Like the human population is like a fucking, you know, those fucking movies that Hollywood always makes, you know, where the white person goes into like the fucking inner city and then goes in and turns everybody's fucking life around and everybody becomes successful in all of those. Nobody fucks it up, right? That's what the world population is like. It's like that teacher is running shit, you know? Can't make the cuts that he needs to make to get down to the fucking real NFL roster.

Does that make any fucking sense? I'm just saying that's just too big a heart. I hate those fucking movies, by the way, you know, where the white person goes into the area where there's no white people and then save shit and they never address the fact that white people caused the situation, you know, and then we turn ourselves into the hero. So then white people can go see the movie and be like, yeah, that's the white person I'd be in that scenario.

Well, buddy, you could go fucking do it. There's plenty of schools that need a fucking hero, white guy to go down to to try to help out. You know what it is right now? I'm fucking on a rant right now just because I fucking, you know, Neil loves those goddamn award shows and all of these fucking liberal cunts that go up on there and they talk about cartoons, you know, and they blah, blah, blah, and they use their celebrities to shine a light on it before they go back to their fucking gated community.

It's like, why don't you get your hands dirty? You know, get your hands dirty or shut the fuck up and your fucking Louis Vuitton tuxedo, whatever the hell it is you're doing. Why am I in such a mood? You know what it is? I didn't sleep well last night and these fucking, I don't know why this army of bugs bit the shit out of my left ankle and it's on fire. I don't know if it was a spider.

I don't know what the hell it was, but my whole fucking foot turned red. You know, and it's something back in the day before I had a kid my wife would help me out with, but now we have a kid. So, you know, I've gone down on the depth chart. So I'm like, look at my fucking foot. She's like, Jesus Christ. I go, do we have anything for that? She's like, yeah, I think we do.

That's it. I'm like, ah, do you know what it is? Ah, some aloe fucking moose. You put some moose on it. I don't know. So I've been dealing with, she claims that, you know, as, you know, the doctor that she isn't claims that it's getting better. I don't know.

All I know is, you know, I'm talking to you guys with a really fucking itchy foot. So maybe that's what it is. Oh man, that's going to be fucking exciting. I'm going to actually get to experience what people experience who don't give a shit about sports on the Super Bowl. You get to fucking cruise around the city, get a bunch of errands done, you know, ride a bicycle right down the middle of the street. Yeah, this is a bad podcast everybody.

If you're not, if you're not really aware of it at this point, I started off negative and I went even more negative. Um, is anybody else sick of that fucking guy in the Lakers dad already? Jesus Christ. It's like, he made it to the NBA. You're going to get your money. All right. Enough with the fucking carnival barking.

I would make Michael Jordan cry if I played him one on one. Was that the weirdest interview? I just saw a clip of it and Jimmy Kimmel is literally talking over the guy who's actually going to go into the NBA to talk to the guy who never made it to the NBA, who's sitting there talking about how he's going to beat Michael Jordan and the other guy sitting there like a scolded child. I look like a fucking parent's teacher meeting. Um, tell me that isn't a 30 for 30 when he goes to finally make his break from his overbearing

father. Um, all right, there's another negative thing. All right. Where else, where else can we go with negativity? You got anything positive to say? Uh, yes, I finally have committed to not drinking after false advertising of Billy no fun months ago. I can only go three, four days.

I have now put together a run of seven days. I've come back up from triple A. I'm on a little bit of a hitting streak right now. And, uh, I've gone seven days and, um, I love it in the morning. Not drinking in the morning is the greatest at night. It's been, uh, it's been a little bit of a, uh, you know, it's a fucking habit. I have to break, but I think, you know, once I get up to like seven to 10 days, then I'm like, it literally go for a year. It's weird.

It's just getting to that. You know, starting to drop some weight. I've been jumping on the ellipticals. Uh, I've been fucking working out. My, uh, rotate a cup feels a little bit better. And, uh, what I do at night is I just, I go play drums and then I go do a standup set. Did a couple of sets last night, played some fucking drums. And, uh, you know, it's weird about playing drums or an instrument is the more you learn,

the more you realize you suck. And it's just really frustrating. You know, it's almost like he's just learn everything you're going to learn, stop learning, get all that shit down, considering I'm never going to play in a band. I'm not going to pursue this professionally. Then I could actually sit behind a kit and be like happy with what I'm fucking doing. I have learned how to tune up a snare. I can get it sound really good.

My bass drum sounds like shit. There's always something. It's always fucking something. Let's read some advertising here. Maybe if I read advertising, this will get me out of this negative vortex that I've fucking gone into. Um, Jesus, 13 and a half minutes. Just negative. You know what's funny is what I should really be doing.

I should really be rooting for this McGregor Mayweather fight to be a great thing. Cause then I can, I can rent it and then I'll get to watch something interesting. But I'm, I so want to be right about this. You know, you're not going to get me, right? I'm the guy walking, you know, driving by who wants to look, but I'm not going to look to prove something. Look to prove some sort of point that nobody in front of me behind me or next to me is going to give a shit about. That's basically what I'm doing with this. Um, anyways, prediction on the fight.

Yes. Uh, I'm going to say McGregor is not going to, you know, I don't know. It's two years ago. If he's anything like he used to be McGregor is not going to be able to lay a fucking hand on him. Why anybody would think that McGregor could lay a fucking glove on Mayweather is fucking beyond me. Unless these, unless he got really old in the last two years, unless it's Jordan from the bulls to the wizards. If it's that type of a leap, yes, McGregor has a fucking shot, but then who gives a shit? He beats up a fucking guy, you know, two years after he retired.

You know, imagine not going to the gym for two years. Okay. And then fucking chase, you know, racing somebody down the street for a fucking mile. All right. All right. Oh, Bill is a negative cunt. Shut them up. If you want, um, sorry, uh, you two can look good in your underwear and be comfortable.

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during national make a will month. That's legal zoom.com slash prepare. All right. Now it's time to talk about my real feelings about the Mayweather McGregor fight. I am curious. I do want to watch, but I've just been burned too many fucking times. So what I'm doing is I'm letting you guys take the beach. All right.

And if you tweet at me, oh my God, that was fucking amazing. Well, now you're not. Now you're just going to lie to me. I'll go on the internet. And if everybody said that was amazing and it was worth the fucking money, I will then rent the fight. That's what I'm doing from now on. Cause I've just, I've just been burned too many fucking times.

Um, I think it'll be devastating for boxing. If Mayweather loses, even though he's been retired for two fucking years. Um, basically it's all about the first couple of rounds. If McGregor is going to do it, if he doesn't do it within fucking three rounds, he's fucked. That's it. Okay. There's my brilliant insight. I know what everybody else knows.

I've watched too many of McGregor's fights and he, and when, when he would fuck Nate Diaz, he'd get into the fourth round and he would be winded. So they fight five minute rounds. So anyway, I don't know. I think even though they only fight what, how many rounds, how many minutes or there's a three minute rounds, right? So logically you'd be, well, five minutes in, then, then that's the equivalent to going five rounds.

I mean, three rounds, five minute rounds in the fucking UFC. Jesus Christ. Bill, but here's the thing. He's going to be using different muscles, you know, he's going to waste a lot of fucking energy trying to hit somebody that nobody could fucking hit. And I don't know. I don't know what it is, but they're both brilliant fucking fighters. They're both amazing.

And they're also, you know, they're as good at selling a fight, which is why everybody's showing up in all of that shit because too big shit talkers, you know, there's nothing people like better than seeing a shit talker lose. And one of them is going to lose. So I guess that's why everybody's going to watch. I cannot fucking resist. The, uh, the euphoria of not doing what everybody else is doing and getting to do other shit. It's something I learned when I would watch the Super Bowl and I would just tape the fucking

thing and just do other shit for the first 90 minutes of the game so I can fast forward through all of the commercials and the absolutely fucking horrific halftime show and the opening ceremonies and all of that other bullshit. I can just watch the goddamn game. When I would drive around and go, you know, get something to eat or some shit and there would just be nobody on the fucking road. And you just get to experience what your city was like back before they were automobiles except you're in a car and there's paved roads.

I don't know. There's this sort of a, uh, I kind of understand a little bit like why people don't watch sports. I actually get it now, like the amount of free time. And if you, but the thing is, you got to fill that free time up with like some healthy shit. Oh, this is like a nice yin and yang total negative. Now I'm going to go positive. Just, just imagine. First of all, a, the food you wouldn't eat.

All right. All the extra time you'd have to work out, you know, if you always wanted to learn how to play guitar, learn how to speak a language, the amount of time you spend, you know, I can't say wasting your time because you enjoy it. I fucking enjoy it. Right. If you're a sports fan, but just think of everything that you could accomplish. Remember like one of the first times the NFL went on strike in my life.

And they, when it, when it would come back, you know, they showed a couple of people on the news and I don't know if they were lying or whatever. And they were just like, yeah, man, you know, I'm kind of, it was kind of cool to have like Saturday and Sunday in the fall to myself. I can hang out with my kids. I can go do some shit. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I don't know.

This is weird part of me. I can't stop watching it. Then this is part of me that I wish I, I wish I could do it, but then you just fill it up with something else dumb. Then I become one of those what comic con people that knows the actor's name that crouched down in that R2-D2 fucking thing. That little fucking trash compactor that he was riding around in. I don't know.

You know what, all of this shit, it's bigger than me. I have no idea what any of this fucking shit means. Enjoy your goddamn fight. Don't listen to a crabby freckled bald cunt like me telling you that's a fucking ripoff. You go enjoy your goddamn spectacle. Yeah, you deserve it. It's a spectacle. Donald Trump isn't enough of a fucking spectacle.

That's not enough for you. Jesus Christ. Do you know, I don't even, I don't even fuck that. That's something like I pay attention to that. I don't pay attention to that the way somebody doesn't, who doesn't give a fuck about sports, pays attention to it. The fact that our president tweets and reads his, his Twitter account is just, I don't, I don't even know, like, it's like, dude, you're above that.

You're above it. Fucking respond. You don't mean people shit on me. I don't even, I feel, I don't even need to respond to people shit on me. I first of all, I feel it's par for the course. Not everybody's going to like you. The fact that this fucking guy's got to go on and respond and say, what are you doing? But then again, he did win it.

He won, he won the whole fucking, I love people who think he's dumb. It's like, if he's that fucking stupid, how did all those smart people lose to him? I was like back in the day when that woman, Jessica Simpson, when she would be like, chicken to the sea, is that like chicken or is it tuna? Which to be honest, looking back was a legit question. I mean, it is a food and you wrote chicken on it. That's like chicken fried steak. Chicken is at stake.

What the fuck is it? Hey, take a ride in my truck car. What the fuck is it? Why would you call it something else? What is this over here? Everybody thought she was dumb. It's like, yeah, she's a fucking moron with hit albums in her own TV shows. I would love to be that stupid.

You know, she married Nick Lashay. He's a good looking fella, right? Guys, guys in a boy band. He plays golf on the fucking weekend. She was crushing it. Dayton, Tony, Romo, Romo, Romo. Did she marry him? I don't know.

I felt bad for her one day. Like, I think it was her, her little dog, you know, like last scene in the mouth of a coyote. It's like, yeah, it's fucking dead. I think the coyotes have like some sort of terrorist group and they're going to fucking, you know, abduct your dog and change its fucking mindset. It's going to be like the Patty Hearst of fucking Chihuahuas. No, it's dead. That's why you got to get a big dog out here. You got to have a big dog that like the other coyotes are like, you know what, it's not fucking worth it.

You know what I mean? Like for dogs out here, this is like going to fucking Rikers Island. All right. Well, you need a big, you need to be a big fucking muscular goddamn dog. You need to be more of a fucking problem than these little fellas out here. These little dogs, like, I don't know what people do. Like they fucking leave them in their backyards and shit and they just, they just, they're gone. They're gone.

It's like, it's like literally like one of those creepy fucking movies, you know, where they would, you know, the people would go to an island and they were just living with some sort of dragon or some sort of gorilla. And they would just sacrifice somebody like King Kong and that type of shit. So this fucking thing would leave them alone. That's such a weird beginning, huh? To the King Kong movie that poor woman's like tied up with those fucking vines. And I just don't get like, okay, you got a 60 foot goddamn gorilla. He's going to eat that fucking one, one person and then be like filled up. That's going to be like Doritos, right?

Well, not Doritos because we're mostly fucking, you know, protein and shit. We're kind of a protein snack, aren't we? Right. So that's like him having like a cliff bar. A goddamn 60 foot gorilla is going to eat one cliff bar every couple of months and then be fine. First of all, I didn't think gorillas, I thought they were vegetarians. Right. I thought they sat around just fucking eating. I don't know what the hell they eat.

There's always some fucking person got to go try and live with them and get a little closer and a little closer. And then eventually get the shit kicked out of them by the goddamn gorilla. I got to tell you, man, the amount of shit that a gorilla will put up with. Maybe because it's as big as it is. I wonder if a gorilla has ever fought like a tiger. And for that, we need to go to Asia. You know, you want to talk about spectacles. Will you have a boxer against an MMA guy?

Like Asians, I'm telling you, if you want to go see any time you start looking at like this versus this, this versus that, you will find black and white footage where they put a fucking bear and a tiger in the same cage to see what or a lion against a tiger just to see what the fuck would happen. They did it. That's their thing. Where we experimented with human beings, they experimented with animals, it seems. I don't fuck. What am I even talking about? You know, this is one of these podcasts where it just started off on the wrong foot. And now I'm just desperately trying to fill the last 18 seconds of this thing so I can get up to fucking my contractually obligated 30 minutes.

How about those red socks? I'm taking two out of three out of Terry. Terry Francona's fucking team there, the Cleveland Indians piling up the fucking numbers there. I haven't been keeping up on what the Yankees are doing. So why don't I try to end this thing on something positive? If you guys enjoy your fight, your sports spectacle this weekend, I hope you don't get fucked over. And I'm being honest, you know, something I'm going to be a bigger man here rather than being the guy that said, I told you so I hope on Monday you guys can all come back and I can read a bunch of fucking letters of like, Bill, you negative cunt. You've never been wrong, more wrong in your freckled, pathetic life.

And I really hope that you guys are able to send those to me. I hope you make it. I hope you get your money's worth. Like I said, I will not be watching the fucking thing. I'm too goddamn stubborn. All right, you know, something I'm actually, this is actually for me. This pay per view is about being able to walk away because I have jumped on the fucking, you know, the UFC's done that to me. I've ordered the fucking shit and then find out somebody tested positive for steroids. You know, UFC's also doing that shit now now that they got bought out by other fucking people.

You know, and Dana White's like the figurehead now or whatever the hell the fuck it works. They're doing that shit now where like every three pounds is a new weight class. So now they have all these air quote champions. So then everything's a fucking championship fight. That's like what fucking killed boxing aside from the fact that they had like 50 different goddamn leagues or whatever. The WBA, the WBC, the IBF, it was like three heavyweight champions all at the same time. And then somebody had to try to come in and unify the titles. Yeah, and like then like every like eight pounds became like a fucking weight class or whatever.

All I know is everything was like a title fight. And they weren't as good. So I hope the UFC doesn't go that route because what was great when they had the monopoly was the best fought the best. So I hope that continues. I apologize for this podcast, everybody. I don't know why I'm shitting on everything that's just fun, simple goddamn fun in this miserable world. Why would I do that? All right, come on, Bill, pull it out of the mud.

This fight is going to be the greatest spectacle of all time. If you do not put $60 down on that, you are going to miss out, right? There you go. That was positive. It's not for me. I tried. I tried. I got an itchy foot and my fucking body is like reacting to the fact, you know, you know what else is a couple of my friends became parents, right?

So what I always do, my gift that I do is I go out and I buy a nice cute, cool pair of fucking sneakers, right? Little Jordans, little uptowns, whatever the fuck you want, right? That's what I get for the kid. Okay. And then I get two sick bottles of fucking booze for the parents, you know, because here's the deal. Everybody's, I think I already told you that everybody's going to go out and go buy a stuffed fucking animal, this fucking thing. And it's just going to be this thing that the parents, the kid can't fucking use it. It's a baby.

It's a goddamn blob that you carry around for fucking three months. All right. And then when he finally can't move around, it doesn't give a shit about toys. All right. It likes extension cords. It likes pots and pans. It likes you just any fucking thing that it shouldn't be touching. That's what it wants.

And he could give a fuck about the goddamn toys. Buying a toy for a baby is the biggest. It's a bigger waste of money than buying this Connor McGregor may weather fight this weekend. I just can't get out of it, people. I feel like the libertarian this weekend, you know, who's actually addressing the problem with a Democrat and Republican would back one of the two candidates and act like it's going to change your life and that this was going to be a good thing for you. And I'm the fucking, the fucking Green Party guy going, Hey, man, these bankers are fucking you over, man. Everybody's bought and paid for, man. Um, you want a Brussels sprout?

You want an avocado sandwich, man? Um, but the parents, everybody immediately, immediately now that you have a kid, like you, you go down on the death chart, nobody gives a shit about you. Everybody cares about the kid, right? Which is great. That's the way it should be. But if you actually do something for the parents, okay, and actually acknowledge that they are individuals with hopes and dreams that have now been dashed because all of their focus is now going on the baby, which is the way it should be. But every once in a while, you got to throw them a fucking little ginger snap there, right?

So that's what I do. I go out, I buy a sick ass bottle of booze and a nice bottle for the guy and a fucking nice bottle of rose for the lady. And then I just get the kid a pair of shoes, sneakers, cool sneakers for when the kids walking and they can actually use those things. You know, as opposed to some stupid fucking thing, you know, that they're supposed to reach up and grab whatever the fuck it is. That's what I do. Okay. There you go. Um, anyways, fucking, I got like the hiccups, my foot itches, and I'm off the sauce.

I'm off the sauce and I'm going back to Boston this week and I'm staying off the sauce. I've been working out and I'm staying off the fucking sauce. Um, I already, I already had the conversations in my head. I'm not fucking doing it. I'm going to go on a nice, nice run here. I am committed to it. I'm dropping some fucking pounds. So that's it.

Enjoy your guys fight this weekend. I hope you get your money's worth. I've said that 50 times trying to make up for the fucking previous negative 30 minutes. That's the podcast for this Thursday afternoon. Have a great weekend. You can'ts enjoy this music. And, uh, and then we got to throw back podcasts for Thursday. I don't know from last year, the year before, maybe a couple of weeks ago.

Who knows? All right. I'll see you later. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Girlfriend in fantasy league. Hey, Bill.

Love the podcast, but thank you. I've been in a fantasy football league for 10 years. It was started by one of my best friends and has been the same 12 guys for a decade. I don't even know how bands have put, uh, I don't even know bands that have been together that long. So this year, my buddy who started the league decided to boot out two lifelong members in favor of his girlfriend and the girlfriend of a friend of ours. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did those other two guys who got booted, did they do anything?

I mean, if he was going to add the ladies, why did those other two guys have to leave? Wow. All right. Okay. Well, I'm sucked into this story. He said I'm, I immediately called bullshit and said point blank to his face. If she wasn't sucking your dick, then she wouldn't be in the league. Oh dude, that right there is a game changer.

You can't say it. What if he marries this woman? Always. There's a rule for you guys. Always be careful what you say about the woman your guy is with because you never fucking know. You never know. And I'm sure there's some listeners that have stories.

And if you'd like to contribute them to the podcast where you know, it's even fucking worse is when your buddy, he says fucked up shit about the girl, you know, about what a whore she is in bed and she's fucking his brains out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and tells you all these, these details. And then the jackass ends up falling for her and then he has to fucking break up with you because he's not going to break up with her because every time he looks at you, he thinks out, you know, he knows how this girl, my future wife sucks my dick, you know, anyways, plowing ahead.

He's trying to defend his decision by saying she at least knows a little about sports. So this is awful. This guy wasn't raised right, man. This is just, this is fucking terrible. He said the fact of the matter is that she is from New York and knows who the Jets are. That's the extent of her football knowledge. He thinks I'm overreacting. You're not overreacting.

He didn't ask anybody else. They've had 12 for the last 10 years and he just removed two of the original band members. Dude, this isn't even funny. This is like, this is really upsetting to me. He thinks I'm overreacting, but I think of it the same scenario if you had, if you have one night a year to have a guy's night with your buddies and then you get to the bar, you see that your friends has invited his girlfriend to guys night. Exactly.

He told me that she, she's the one who asked if she could join, which obviously to me means he had no intentions of inviting her, but when he was back into the corner, his ball shot up into his throat and he couldn't say no. Exactly. It's not just a fantasy league, but a clear indication that she's going to slowly start chipping away at everything else in the rest of his life. Exactly. In summation, his girlfriend wanted in and he crumbled and said, yes, am I reading too

much into this? Am I overreacting? I'd like to know because he's getting pissed at me for being pissed at him. Absolutely not, sir. Everything that I was going to tell you, you already know and you wrote in this email. Okay. You ran down the mats, you went off the little fucking springy board, you hit the fucking hobby horse, you did your little fucking Mary Lulet and flip and you stuck the landing.

You get a perfect 10 on that one, sir. You are 100% right. You know what? You want my move would be, I would start my own fantasy league. All right. And I would invite everybody else in that fucking league. Well, I wouldn't do that because that's a chick move. Make people decide.

This is why I wouldn't be as harsh with him and just be like, no, dude, what you did was absolute bullshit and I guarantee you, I would tell him that she's going to start chipping away at your life. Your balls are up in your throat, but that's going to end your friendship with them. And here's the deal, dude. There are other fantasy football leagues to join. All right. And that's one of those ugly things about that chapter of guys lives after college.

You know, when you went to grade school together or you met him in college or whatever, but you guys have this unbelievable bond, like you went to fucking war together. If one of your friends is a pussy, you know, he has a, he has a chance of meeting somebody who's going to splinter the group, you know, and this isn't an anti woman thing. This is more like an anti pussy guy kind of thing where, you know, there are controlling suffocating people on both sides, men and women. And I know that there's women listening and they've, one of their best girlfriends started dating some fucking overbearing insecure douchebag guy and the first thing they do is they cut

them off from their friends and then it's the coworkers, then the friends and then their family, they stick them under a fucking little glass or something. So yeah, you know what, dude, the worst, the sad thing is is you're going to lose a couple of friends. Sometimes that happens and you just have to be content about it and you know, and I think it's really important for men and women to have men only and women only social events that they can go to once a week or a couple of times a month and just hang out with the fellas to hang out with the ladies and just whatever.

I think it's really, really healthy. It gives you something to look forward to. It gives you a place where you can just vent about your anything you fucking want in a group of people that 100% is going to understand and you don't have to worry about hurting anybody's feelings or offending on anybody. I think it's, it's really, really fucking healthy. And this guy's fucking with that and he didn't put it to a vote. What is he?

The grand poobah of this shit? I don't know. There's so many ways you can go with that, just depending on how much you want to stir up the pot. You guys should put it to the vote. This would be great. Put it to a vote. Dude, have this be like your Arab Spring, but with a fantasy football league and just

vote that cunt out and then you become the dictator and you move into the palace. How about that? Whatever dude, you're 100% right. I would just, I would choose my words a little more carefully. Don't say that he didn't have the balls. Just say, listen, this was something that we did together for 12 years and I'm really disappointed and shocked that you made this big a move and removed two other members and didn't include anybody else in it.

I don't think that it was done right. And I think we should put this to a vote. That's what we should do. And if he gets mad and he starts yelling, don't lose your cool. Just keep stating your opinion calmly. And you know, if he's going to be a bitch about it, let him be a bitch about it and I would actually, for your own health, dude, all they think she knows is the jet. She's going to be like, wait a minute, who's that?

Oh my God. I don't know anything. She's going to try to do that. You know that thing where women try to act like they're dumb because they think it's cute? You know what I would do, sir? I would just cut your losses. Just fucking.

I don't know. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I'm getting and it's ruined my fucking day and I'm not even in it. I don't even like fantasy football. Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday August 24th, 2009. How the hell are you? Another week going by.

I got a big week coming up here. Really excited. I'm actually going to Sweden this week and I really wanted to read a lot about Sweden. I wanted to know a couple of the phrases, you know, the ones that you need to know. Something about where can I get something to eat? How to say thank you and how to say dude, do me a favor, why don't you get the fuck away from me, you know, because you're kind of freaking me out. I mean, you need to know how to say that in every language and that's the one that you

really need to memorize. Okay, so you can say it with some feeling. You know what I mean? You can't be like, get the fuck me away. You know, you got to come out, dude, get the fuck away from me. I'm serious. I'm not kidding. Get the fuck away from me.

You got to know how to say that and I have no idea. I'm not going to lie to you. All I know about Sweden is that fucking puppet on the Muppet show. Remember that one? Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie, Borgie. Here we have the Hiddish Meade. Remember that?

That's all I know. You know, is Sweden the one where they cross country ski to school? I know Hitler used to look at it across from the waters, start jerking off, wishing he was blonde and blue-eyed. You know, the fucking poor bastard. Not only did he not, well, not only was he not blonde and blue-eyed, he couldn't even get a chit, he just, he couldn't, his girlfriend wasn't even blonde and blue-eyed. You know what I mean?

I'm going to put this out here. Like, I know there's been a ton of shit out there on Hitler. I'm going to put this out here. This is a theory that I have. I think Hitler had no game with women. You know? Women don't like angry guys. Psychos do.

Psychos like angry guys. You know? I was actually talking to this brood last night and she was saying how, I don't know what the fuck her boyfriend does, but she was saying up until this point, like the guy she's dating now, this is the first time she's not dated someone who's a musician. And she was just, you know, I just always like musicians, you know, the passion they have on stage and they're crazy, and I was really sitting there listening to her, she described dating a musician.

I realized that for a female, that's the, that's the female equivalent of dating a stripper as if you date a musician. It's the same fucking thing, you know? They're on stage, they're sweaty, they're on drugs, they're bad with money, and in the end you have to take care of them. You got to end up being a fucking parent. Wow, that really fucking came together, didn't it? Jesus Christ, that's not bad.

It's not bad, right, Cleo? Look at her, Jesus Christ. Anyways, let's plow ahead here, we got a lot of shit. So anyways, I had this great week, I did this benefit. How funny is this? Because if you guys listened to my podcast last week, I had that incident with that woman from the Humane Society, right? So this week, talk about irony, I actually had a gig where I was doing a benefit for

rescue dogs, and it was kind of the usual thing where I'm sitting in my head going, fuck, I hate doing benefits. I can't stand doing benefits, my act, I don't have any jokes that do well at benefits. I just don't. There's always like, they always put me on, and there's a bunch of nice comics in front of me, or even if they're not nice, they're being nice, and then I go up there and I try to be nice, and you guys all know I'm a cunt. So you can't, I can't get that cunty tone out of my voice, and I just always end up

feeling crass and ignorant, I just, I hate doing them, right? But fortunately, this was actually a great gig, and the dude host in the show, he was bringing up all these celebrity people, and I don't know if I should tell this story, but I'm gonna, just because I don't think that many people listen to this podcast. One of the people who went up there was Priscilla Presley, Elvis's girlfriend, wife, or whatever, and all that type of stuff, so she's up there talking about how some ridiculous amount of puppies every year get killed at shelters and get put down, like over a million puppies every year.

But Bob, it's this really serious moment, and you know, she was dressed, she looked beautiful and everything, and I'm standing back there with another couple of people, and Jesus, I really shouldn't tell this story because it involves other people, okay, fuck it. This is what comics do in that situation, is everyone else, all you normal people who can get married and fucking have emotions and shit, you know, and you're getting all welled up as this icon is talking about dead puppies. We were in the back going, hey dude, she sucked Elvis's dick.

That started it, and then what happens with comedians, then everybody has to top it. So I'm not gonna say where it went from there, but believe me, 20 seconds into that conversation I could barely stand up. So we're crying, laughing, as everyone else, I can't even say in the room, it was outside in a parking lot, it's a long fucking story, but whatever, it ended up being this awesome fucking gig, because the guy who hosted the show, he did a real solid. He went up there, first of all, he's the guy who's gotta switch it over from people talking about dead puppies to, you know, hey, you know, what's up with these fucking hybrids,

you know, and you just feel like this asshole, he had to do that, all right? And not only does he do it, he drops the F-bomb in his first sentence, which is just, I can't even tell you what a classy thing that is to do as a comedian, because it just totally, it just breaks down, it just blows the thing wide open, and he really has to take the, from people, it's like a kick to the chest, I can't explain it, and he totally took it, and I remember standing, I was standing off stage going, you know what, what a fucking great guy, you know what I mean? It's like, that's like a guy you look at, you look, that guy, he wouldn't rat on you

if the cops were looking for you, he wouldn't cock block you, he wouldn't steal your joke, just a fucking total stand up dude, you know what I mean? And I already love the guy, but as always, I never name names on this fucking thing, alright, so anyway, so that's what we're doing, so I end up going up last, and they're just, they were a great crowd, and I made fun of people who say I rescued a dog, and they rolled with everything, I did all my stuff about having a pit bull, and I just had a great time, and I was like, isn't this great? This really makes up for that fucking twat, the week before being such a fucking twat,

right? So I get off stage, and people coming up to me, oh my god, it's so funny, we were dying laughing, blah blah blah blah blah, why are you 17 years in your career, and you're still playing parking lots, who cares, you're hilarious, I'm having a great time, right? And then all of a sudden this fucking chick comes up, right? She's got her, first of all, she's got her hair in a ponytail, and the front part look like Cameron Diaz's hair when she put the jizz, Ben Stiller's jizz in her hair, that's what she looked like, and she comes up to me, and I was talking about, you know, having

a pit bull, and how everybody crosses the street when I come up to the street, and she just goes like, yeah, you know, I really thought you were funny, but I have to admit, I'm really scared, I'm really scared of pit bulls, and we started having this conversation, and I was just like, well, you know, I've had one now, you know, four months, I really think it comes down to the owner, you know, and basically the dog's background, she goes, yeah, but you never really hear about a poodle mauling somebody to death, you never hear that on the news, it's like, yeah, because they can't, okay? That's the difference between owning a pit bull and owning a poodle, you know, is the

capability of the animal that you have, therefore, if you're a bad owner, your fuck ups get magnified tenfold, and rather than some mailman wrapping some gauze around his ankle, you know, they're trying to reattach his fucking jugular, so, I mean, I'm real, I really believe that, you know what I mean, like, I mean, but granted, I don't know shit, okay, and I've only owned this thing for fucking four months, so I have no idea, but that's what my gut is telling me, but people have like this thing, no, I think they just have this thing, and they just snap one day, they just snap like they're fucking crazy, and I don't know, maybe I'm blinded by the love I have for this fucking dog, but I don't believe it, so we just keep

going back and forth, and she goes, I don't know, it's a pit bull has the ability to maul somebody to death, okay, a poodle is thinking the same shit a pit bull is thinking, I'm gonna rip your fucking face off, it just can't do it, but when it's going at your ankle, it's trying to maul you to death, it is, it just can't, first of all, it's fucking afro gets in the way, you know, like when you're fighting your little brother and you just stick your hand on his forehead and he's swinging in wind, that's what happens to a poodle, you know, if they come in with the crown in their head, which if they play in the NFL, they get fine for it, alright, nobody ever talks about that, how fucking dirty those

goddamn poodles are, always coming in, leading with their fucking heads, right, but what happens is that little poofy thing on the top gets in the way, it's a little cushion, so you kind of feel that first, you're like, ooh, is that a coosie, oh no, that's a poodle trying to maul me to death, and then you just boot it right in its little fucking pathetic excuse for a chest, and then it's over, you know, isn't that funny when you kick a little dog off you when they're trying to bite you, and then they do that shit where they still want to be tough, but they're sort of walking away as they're still growling, you know, but they don't totally commit to walking away, but they also don't totally commit to

attacking you again, and then you just look at them like, yeah, that's what I thought, you know, that's what I thought, couldn't take it, could you, so anyway, so we're going back and forth, so I'm not agreeing with this woman, she's not making any good points, and then right in the middle of it, she just goes, yeah, well, I'm actually, I'm an animal expert, I'm an animal expert, like, you know, I don't know where she just says that, I go, you're an animal expert, she goes, yeah, and then she just goes, whatever, and then she walks away, this is not a benefit, okay, I just donated my time for fucking free, okay, I had to figure out how to do well standing in a parking lot, okay, I went through all

of that bullshit, you know, me and all my friends had to go on after people, you know, talking about dead puppies, and then this fucking twat comes up, and hits me with that, and that was, here's something for you guys, okay, anytime anybody has to break out credits to support their argument, they lost the argument, okay, who the fuck says that, first of all, I'm actually, I'm an expert on animals, really, really, and you're afraid of dogs, you know, as a fucking expert on animals is that goddamn Caesar Milan, the dog whisperer, he's not afraid of fucking dogs, he'll walk into a whole bunch of them, 42 of them that some old lady adopted, and they turn themselves into a fucking wild pack, he walks into a middle of them and goes,

and everybody shuts the fuck up, that guy is an expert, and I have never heard him once say, I am an expert, he's never said that shit, okay, I can tell you this right now, if I was an expert on animals, and I was debating with a moron like me, I would never have to bring out that credit, what I would be doing was just throwing out all my expert knowledge, first of all, what I would do is I would feign stupidity, and let me wade right into the fucking, you know, you know, that shit where you think the water is only two feet deep, and all of a sudden it just drops off 100 feet, that's what the fuck I would do, I let you come walking in with all your, ooh, I watched Discovery Channel for 15 minutes, bullshit, and then I'd hit you over the head with such fucking knowledge

about pit bulls and dogs, that you would come up with the conclusion of, goddamn, this person's a fucking expert, but if you're standing there with your fucking jizzed in hair, and you don't make one point, and then you just go, I'm an expert, an animal expert, and then you go whatever, like a fucking seventh grade A, and you walk away, you know what, I'm a little biased here, but I'm gonna claim victory on that one, whatever, look now I did it, who gives a fuck, you know, what the fuck is it about me, I don't understand, I really don't understand, you fucking twat, I did the exact fucking thing that you guys are trying to do here, try to get people to fucking rescue dogs, okay, and I did it, and I got the biggest psycho of them

all, I went for the pit bull, okay, anybody can go down and rescue a fucking chihuahua, and go take them down to Taco Bell and laugh with your friends as you dress them up in a little fucking midget fur coat, you know, and you get the same fucking credit I do, fucking animal expert, go fuck yourself, how about that, go fuck yourself and go rinse out your hair, all right, so anyways, let's plow ahead here, oh, before we get going here, there's something I got, so remember last week when I basically groveled for you people to come to Ontario, the Improv in Ontario, I jinxed it, okay, I literally did that, that, you know, begging you guys to come out like I was doing a fucking telethon, and then what happens,

like two days later, my guy calls me, we gotta move the date, this thing came in, you gotta do this date, so now the Ontario Improv gig is off, it's not totally off, it is being rescheduled, I'm actually doing a college gig, it's a long, long fucking story, but I apologize because I got probably a half a dozen emails, which is a lot for me of people telling me, I went out and I bought tickets, so psyched to see you, so psyched, you're gonna be in California, I'm here to support you, Bill, you know, you rang the bell and I answered the call, okay, and what do I get for it, I get a fucking slap in the face, I apologize to all you guys who went out and bought tickets, I feel like an asshole, and

I don't know what to tell you, because I'm gonna be ringing the bell again when that fucking thing comes around, because I don't know, Southern California, this is like the fucking matrix out here, I don't even know if that's the right analogy, I don't know what it is, it's kind of, you know, I gotta get on one of those Latino stations out here, that'll get a white guy on there, learn some Spanish or some shit, I gotta do something, because it ain't happening for me out here, anyways, let's plow ahead here, all right, here's a story that somebody sent me, here's the story that somebody sent me that I found interesting, I really thought it interesting, there's, you know, you got these bloggers here on the, you know, bloggers, sure, we all do,

hell, I even blog for a while till I found out that MySpace owned them and could do whatever the fuck they wanted to with them, but anyways, you know, these bloggers, they make fun of what celebrities wear, they say a bunch of stuff, they draw a cum on their face, they do all that hilarious shit or whatever, so evidently one of them had something called, I think skanks of New York, I don't fucking know what it was, but they basically trashed this supermodel, I can't call her a supermodel, because I never heard of her, her name is Liskula Cohen, Liskula, Talib Kweli, it's like me trying to say that rapper's name, and I already forgot how to say it, Kweli, I don't give a fuck, but I'm gonna tell you something right now, you guys sent me all that

hip hop shit, and I'm really liking that, that Most Def album from 1999, was that the one black on both sides, I don't know, I've actually listened to two of the tracks on it, and at first it was beyond me, it was beyond what my ears could handle, and now I have slowly caught up, and now I'm really starting to love it, and I only downloaded two of the songs, now I'm gonna go back and download the rest of the fucking album, legally by the way, so anyways, this Liskula Cohen who does not look like a supermodel, I gotta be honest with you, she looks like some hot mom who settled for less, and is now sitting there going, you know what, I could have been a model, but instead, I married the douchebag in accounting, and I have two kids, and I'm

in a cul-de-sac, and it's not exciting, we have macaroni and cheese with toast every Wednesday, I just don't like my life, and you know where it goes from there, then she ends up, you know, she ends up blowing that guy who hangs out in the fucking local bar, who has the cool car, goes right back to high school, you know what I mean, she just looks for the biggest swing and dick she can find within her area, you know, and that's what she looks like to me, I wonder if she's gonna fuck, well, she can't fucking out me, she knows who the fuck I am, the Monday morning podcast, Conti, all right, so this is what happens, a Vogue cover girl has won a precedent-setting court battle to unmask an anonymous blogger who called her a skank on

the internet, I mean, they basically paraphrase what the person said, they basically would have to say, I would have to say the first place award for the skankiest in New York City would have to go to Liscula Gentile Cohen, the blogger anonymous wrote in one posting, the blog since removed ridiculed the former Australian Vogue cover girl as a 40-something who may have been hot 10 years ago when she was actually 36, so evidently, I guess they had been going off on her for a while and she got tired of it, so she went to Google and she sued to have the, she wanted to know who this person was, who was trashing her, so somebody sent me an email and was like, can you believe this fucking so-and-so, doesn't this come with being famous, why don't you go cry with all your money

and blah, the usual shit that they say about celebrity, and I have to be honest with you guys, I can see both sides of this story, okay, first and foremost, the fact that she was able to get Google to cave in and to give her the name of the blogger is kind of a dangerous thing where when cases like this happen, you know, it's this little fucking whatever case, a bunch of people, you know, you open that door, fucking run through the door and piggyback on that case, and then all of a sudden, there'll be laws where you can censor what people write and you can sue people, so, because I mean, the internet right now is like the fucking Wild West back in the day, you ever think about that shit, there was no banks, there was no fucking credit cards,

you know, there was no mortgage, you just chopped down some trees with your friends and you built a square with a roof on it, you know, shooting Indians, there was, you know, hang them high, fucking frontier justice, rape pillage, all that type of shit, that's what the internet is basically like right now, and they're essentially, I think, with stuff like this, we'll eventually whittle it down, and you know, it's kind of hard to, you know, some of this stuff, you know, obviously, there's horrible pornography on it, you know, I'm not really into that shit, I wish I could stop fucking watching it, I wish someone actually helped me to stop watching it by censoring it, what a fucking pathetic loser I am, but anyways, but then you can go too far with this shit,

because I was seeing, you guys know that famous picture, that iconic photo that that that guy who stood in front of the tank in Tiananmen Square, back in 1990 or 89 or 90, I think it was 89, if you can believe, it was 20 fucking years ago that happened, most Chinese young people in their 20s, if you show them that photo, they don't even know what it is, what it refers to, because they basically over there with their fucking police state, is they just erase the whole existence, like in a Stalin-esque kind of way, or back in the day, I don't know, George, George, Joseph Stalin would, you know, he's a paranoid psycho, and when he would off you, not only would he have you killed, he would have some dude like erase you out of all photos, like your existence, you didn't even exist,

there was no like documentation of it, and that's, you know, that's the other end of this little cases like this that make them scary, but having said that on the other side, just as a performer, I actually love that that piece of shit little fucking rat got dragged out into the sunlight, okay, because even at the pathetic level that I'm on, you can't believe how bad you get fucking trashed, to the point I never read any reviews, I don't read, I don't read anything, I never watch any clips of mine on the internet, I never do any of that shit, because people just, they just write the most horrific shit that they can about you, and it would be hypocritical of me, because I'm a comedian, and look at me, I trash people all the time, so I can't get mad at it, but I gotta

admit dude, I don't want to read it, so, but this, she's just a fucking model, you know what I mean, and I don't know, there's like a point where you know, you're in the public eye and someone can trash you, but you know, they start writing shit that if you actually had it in a newspaper, you'd get sued for slander, you know what I mean, to suggest that she's 40 years old when she's only 36, might not seem like a big deal to me or anybody else, but that's a huge fucking thing in the modeling industry, and not only that, I gotta tell you these fucking industry people, they don't know shit about the internet, they don't know how to control it, they're trying to figure it out, and all it takes is one douchebag with enough fucking people behind them, and they're

like, oh, oh, this is what everybody's thinking, so this fucking twat is writing this stuff about her, and she's actually potentially fucking with her ability to get gigs, so I'm not saying that the person shouldn't be able to do that, but if you're gonna do something that at somebody, at least, you know, have the balls to put your name out there, you know, and that's what I like, because now this person's gonna get dragged out there, and hopefully people will know who the fuck she is, and she'll get to see what it feels like, because then people are gonna be going off on her, you know, because actually it turned out that it was one of this model's friends, which I think is fucking hilarious, you know, how awful and awkward, you know, does she feel

right now, you know what the worst thing is, is I bet she cried, I'm so sorry, I just been going through some things, and you're just so beautiful, and I don't know, I just, I'm so embarrassed, you know, they just fucking cry their way out of that shit, well I think that works with guys, it doesn't work with women, because they, that, because this fucking supermodel chick, she probably does that shit too, I'm sorry, I do coke, it keeps me skinny, I didn't want to have a cunt belly for the fucking bikini shot, you know, so that shit doesn't work on her, you know what I mean, that'd be like trying to use the force against Yoda, he knows what the fuck you're doing, so I think it's great, I hope she just fucking stares at her with this blubbering fucking

coward, you know, coward, did I really just use that fucking word, whatever, fucking little, you know what, this is the difference between what I do, because look at me, I'm going off on this girl right now, but you know, I don't fucking know her, all right, this time I'm gonna justify my bull, I am so full of shit, right, this time I'm gonna justify me, I don't know her, and also my name is on this podcast, so no need to sue me, you know who the fuck I am, and then I have shit on the internet that she could then go comment on, you know, all right, better than that fucking piece of shit, I don't think I am, I think, Jesus Christ, I think I'm the same person, all right, so if that made any sense, I think it's scary that this case could actually start

opening a door for some major censorship in the future, but then on the other side, I love that somebody who was talking shit got caught for it, I really like that, and I just wish I could have had a video of that girl trying to fight the injunction, or whatever the hell the legal term is, realizing that Google was gonna give up her name, and just her freaking the fuck out, realizing, you know, trying to get off that track when you know it's headed right towards a brick wall, and she can't, and then that fucking moment when she realizes that her friend knows that she's the fucking twat who's been writing all that shit about her, and then she sits there going, what do I do, what do I do, do I call her, what do I say, and as she's trying to work all of that bullshit out,

her home phone rings, and who's on the caller ID, but this chick who she called a fucking skank, you know what, I bet her friend, this fucking Liskula Cohen, was actually talking to the girl, looking for some comfort, they're writing all these horrible things about me, why do people write these things, and that fucking twat kept a straight face going, I don't know, I don't know, and then like silently getting like some joy out of the fact that she's torturing her, and she probably, you know, as she comforted her, tried to figure out what part of it hurt her most, I know it's just terrible that she called you a skank, I think that's way worse than questioning if you're 40 years old, don't you, or do you think the age thing hurts more, there, there, there,

you know, and basically figured out how to attack her even more, I love that she got caught, I love it, that's fucking great, all right, let's move on, this is basically, and I went on a couple of these blogger sites, and I gotta admit, dude, I've gone on these, these, some of these blogger things, actually that's bullshit, I have them, my girlfriend looks at some of them, she's into that guy Perez Hilton, and he's a dude who draws the jizz on people's face, and I got it, that's just fucking funny, all right, it's childish, it's not mature, it's everything that makes something fucking hilarious, and you know who the guy is, you know his name, you know he's out there, there's pictures of him on the internet, so people trash him back, I think it's a little tit-for-tat

there, but if you're gonna write all that bullshit and go under anonymous, I don't know, I think there's, all right, but why don't you say the same thing 58 fucking times, we got it, all right, so anyway, so I went on one of these, these blogger things, and this is the type of shit that people write, they were going off on Ringo Starr, that was basically why is Ringo Starr such a jerk, and I just, I really love where this, the jumping off point of this, you know, none of these people have ever met him, I thought somebody would have met him in an airport, and they asked him, they said hey, hey Ringo, can you sign, can you sign my fucking t-shirt, and can you also answer me why you've been wearing the same earring for the last 40 years, that long one that's hanging down,

like Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China, okay, that look was out in the 80s, that fucking long dangling earring, you look like the bad guy in some fucking Mel Gibson movie, or at least you have the jewelry of the bad guy, all right, Sonya says, Beatles member, Ringo Starr posted a video today to his fans telling him that he will no longer be accepting any fan mail after October 20th, because he has too much to do, and then it says what, like counting your piles of money, sliding down a solid gold waterslide, making origami, I don't even know what the fuck that is or famous said that right, origami out of $100 bills, and then it says, huh, here's the video, fucking moron people, right, like because he's rich and famous, like he's got

nothing better to do than just, I mean, the guy's like 70 years old, maybe his fucking wrist hurts from writing back to people, okay, maybe, you know, he's sick, and he knows he's gonna die, and he wants to go fucking drive a Harley Davidson across the country, you have no fucking idea what's going on in this guy's life, so somebody writes, I've lost all respect for this man, how rude and disrespectful to all his fans, he should be kissing the fans ass, since asses, since us fans are the ones who made him who he is today, hi, there's nothing I fucking hate more than when fans take credit for the fucking unbelievable talent of a fucking, of a star like that, really, the fans made the Beatles the greatest fucking band ever, you know, like, like any of the fans could fucking

ignore what a juggernaut that band was, oh yeah, Sergeant Peppers, yeah, fuck that, that had nothing to do with anything, if it wasn't for those fans screaming at their shows, you know, that's, you don't make them who they are, they make who they are, it's not like they're sitting there, and then you guys all walk up to them and go, hey, you want to be famous, get up on stage, play whatever you want, and we're gonna scream and go nuts, no, they have to fucking go into bars, and they have to get booed, and they have to have shit thrown at them, that whole Blues Brothers scene where the beer bottles get thrown at you or whatever, you gotta go through fucking 20 years of that shit, actually those cunts, they made it when they were like 25, whatever, 10, 15 fucking years of

that crap, all right, you have to have the balls to walk away from the safe life of going to college and getting a fucking job, and knowing you're gonna have a paycheck, you have to step off into the fucking abyss, knowing that 99.9% of you never even make enough to get out of that stinky, sweaty fucking van that you're driving around in, you basically, you take your life savings and you bet on the fucking 90 to one dog, you know, that's what the fuck you do, all right, and then you have to come, you have to create something that's so fucking great that that amount of people will pay attention to it, all right, you fucking arrogant assholes, this guy's probably, this guy's probably been answering fan mails and signing autographs for half a fucking century, he wants

to put the pen down, can he do that in his 70s, you fucking twats, Jesus Christ, and having said all that, I will be signing my DVDs and kissing babies after all of my shows, you know what, I would love to get to that level where I could just be like, yeah, listen, yeah, I'm not interacting with you motherfuckers anymore, you know, and I'm so fucking, it's almost like he can live off the interest, you know, when you have so much money, you can live off the interest of your money, he can live off the interest of the fan base that he has, and no matter how much it drops off, because he's not going to sell, you know, sign eight by tens from that fucking Bangladesh concert he did with George Harrison, you know, that's another reason why I wouldn't want to be him

signing fucking autographs, you know what I mean, it's really depressing to look at a headshot of myself 10 years ago, forget about one 40 fucking years ago, you know what I mean, you know, no one ever comes up with a headshot of Ringo fucking 70 years old, putting Ben gay on his fucking bass drum foot, you know, they always got him when he's young and in his prime, he probably sits there like, what's the matter, mate? You don't like me now? How about when I'm all wrinkled up? What a terrible fucking, is that Ringo? Who the fuck was it? I don't know who that was. All I know is that was horrible. And if you had a fucking shred of self-esteem, you'd fucking stop this podcast right now. All right, let's get on to some videos here. This isn't a funny YouTube video, this is a

fucking amazing video. Okay, and I want you guys right now to take out a pen, if you're in your cubicle, slide over your little yellow sticky things, because this is a long link. And this is a guy who basically explains the banking crisis and how we're moving into like the robot age, where, you know, some of the stuff that they're coming up with, like they're, they can like grow a ear in a Petri dish now. They're talking about some lady who had like, you know, cancer of her esophagus, and they scraped off from some cells from her esophagus, put it in a dish, and they grew her a new fucking esophagus. And then it goes all into like, if you're into the bionic man, and hybrid cars, and cyborgs, it's, they got a fucking clip on this thing. This is the trailer

for it, where they're showing this robot that basically looks like a turtle with midget giraffe legs, a turtle on stilts, like deer legs. And it is running sort of trotting along. And this scientist walks up and just fucking gives it a front kick as hard as you possibly could to the side, which would have tipped over any other robot. And this thing just sort of does just goes with it, like a living, breathing thing, like, whoa, kind of like, goes to the side, like, you know, like when a running back is doing the sweep, and that guy dives and he hits him in his hip, and it just knocks him five feet sideways, but he's able to regain his balance and continue moving forward. That's what the fuck this robot thing does. So this dude starts with the banks,

and he ends with these robots. And he starts talking about how all the different versions of man have overlapped each other, like, like Neanderthals, Homo sapiens and that type of whatever, they, at one point, we both exist, existed on the earth at the same time before Homo sapiens took over. I know I'm using the wrong fucking chromagdoms, Neanderthals or whatever, they overlapped and that type of shit. So what this guy is trying to suggest is that the half robot person is going to overlap the 100% Homo thing. It is, it's the fucking shit. And it's not boring either. The guy's actually, he keeps it funny. So here's the link, okay, with that really long trailer. I wanted to do that so you guys have time to jot this down because you really should watch it. It's

fucking fascinating. It's www.ted, like the name Ted, T-E-D dot com slash talks slash one underscore Enriquez, E-N-R-I-Q-U-E-Z underscore shares, S-H-A-R-E-S underscores, underscore mind boggling, underscore new, half of you don't even give a fuck at this point, I know, but some of you do, underscore science.html. All right. And if you got lost in all that, just go to Ted.com and just, you know, go around the website. That's what I gave you was a direct link, but you can go around the website and I'm sure you can find it because it's, you know, as dumb as I sounded the other day. Jesus Christ, Nia. Sorry. What? What? You're looking good. You're looking really good. All right. Well, I didn't know you were in the room. Okay. Anyways.

So anyways, what do you mean what's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I'm doing a podcast here. Didn't you see the red light on outside the fucking bedroom door that said on air? I love how you just laugh at me when I do these. See, she has the advantage of seeing how crazy I look. I'm basically sitting here in my boxers, my t-shirt, and my little headphones like I'm doing some sort of pirate radio. And she literally walks in as I'm like, Ted underscore slash backspace. What's going on with the world underscore.com hotmail. You're really dating a fucking loser. How does that feel? All right. This is, this thing is for me to trash people, not to get trash. Why don't you

fucking get out of here? Get out of here. All right. Thank you. What a sweetheart. Now beat it. All right. All right. Let's, let's fucking get this. Let's get this back together here. All right. Stumbling out of the room laughing at me. See, you hear that? You hear her laughing? All right. Here's a really good email that I got. Somebody said, Bill, if you're looking for a sport, a new sport, I'm gradually getting back into baseball, by the way. I got to support my Red Sox because they're, they're going through the dog days right now. All right. And, you know, be one thing that the Red Sox were doing good. And I was just like, all right, I need to take a break from baseball. You know, then I could actually do it. But the fact that they're not

doing well right now, now, now, you know, this is when the real fans show who the fuck they are. So I'm coming back. I'm gradually coming back. But this guy was giving me a suggestion on sports that I should watch. It said, Bill, if you're looking for a sport, you really need to delve into MMA UFC and make an effort to become a serious fan. I really got into it for a while and I still really like it. I just, I get busy and on the road and I try to, I mean, my favorite reality show is the ultimate fighter. You know what I mean? Every other fucking show, you make a bad sloppy joe when you get kicked off the show. And this one, you get your fucking ass, you literally get beaten off the show. So I really enjoy that.

But anyways, said, I know you're a casual fan, but the sport really is exciting, highly technical, and it satisfies a primal urge with men to compete and beat on one another. But in a somewhat state, safe and sanctioned environment. I know that 50 to 75% of the fans are meatheads and strippers. And while that's annoying, you just have to block that out and focus on the sport itself. It really is the future because it's so natural and basic and doesn't require any superfluous, I don't know how to say it, how do you say that, Nia, superfluous? There's no fucking I in that. He wrote super and then F-U-F-L-U-O-U-S. Superfluous. Huh? Oh good, you're dumb too. Let's have a dumb kid. And then we'll be those parents who show up when they're going,

yeah, basically your kid's a moron. No, he isn't. My kid's smart. All right. Anyways, it says, it really is the future because it's so natural and basically, and basic and doesn't require any, oh my God, I thought I went past the sentence where this word is and I'm back to it again. Any superfluous rules and equipment, it's just man versus man with nothing but physical fighting skills, strategic acumen. Is this guy trying to fuck me up? Encourage, beautiful. All right guys, you found a new thing that you can do to me. Send emails with big words that I can't pronounce and pronounce. This is just fucking unraveling. All right, let's get to the fucking YouTube videos. This is a great quick YouTube video that will give you a laugh. It's

called Girl Gets Answer Very Wrong. Please watch this, Girl Gets Answer Very Wrong. That's what you search on YouTube. This next one, somebody sent me this and I actually, I can't believe I forgot about this one because I stumbled upon this one before. These ones are fucking hilarious. There's one called Eddie Van Halen Shreds and there's another one, Santana Shreds. And basically what it is is, you know, there's a bunch of, you know, musicians go on, you know, up and coming guitarists and they watch all these great guitar gods and they watch their clips and then they rate them. You know, that sucks. I give that five out of 10 stars or whatever. But there's certain guys, like Eddie Van Halen is just the shit. You just can't fuck with them. So what this guy does,

he actually plays, he plays guitar. He gets rid of the audio. He keeps the clip of Eddie Van Halen in concert and then he plays the worst fucking guitar ever underneath it. But he does it perfectly where if Eddie's fingers are moving up the neck, the guy moves up the neck playing horrifically. So it really sounds like Eddie is playing the guitar horribly, but he puts it under Eddie Van Halen Shreds. So all these guys, you know, they want to see Eddie shred and then they just get this horrific video that not only is not Eddie shredding, but it makes him look like an asshole and then people get all mad. Dude, you should just kill yourself. We're fucking losers. Eddie's a god. Why would you do that? You know, it's usual shit. You annoy somebody. It's funny.

Here's another one. Another one. Funny use car ad. Ad is spelled AD, not ADD. There's another good one. Harrison Ford, my wife, my family compilation. And here's another one. This is an Arnold Schwarzenegger one. That's great. It's called Arnold is funny. And here's the last one. I saved the best one for last. This guy has some sort of speech impediment. He gets blocked. I can't, I don't know. I've never even heard of it. It's called tono, tono, t o n o, t o n o. And I'm actually going to call in the opiate Anthony show. Or if you're an opiate Anthony fan, can you please tell them to watch this video? Because this is just right up their fucking alley.

This is one of those videos that I wish I could, I could see Jim Norton watch for the first fucking time. Just just to hear what the fuck he would say. All right, tono, tono, t o n o, t o n o. And yeah, and if you are overseas, because I got a couple people in England or whatever, Sweden and shit who listen to this thing, check out the opiate Anthony show on online. I think it's ONA.com. I mean, you know, wouldn't it be great if I had the fucking thing? Just, just look for them. They're fucking hilarious. And they got clips. They have clips up on YouTube, opiate Anthony show. They're hilarious. Look, look for the baby bird. That's a nice simple one to get you into the show. All right, questions. These are the questions that I'm going to wrap

this up. Question, Bill, where was your first gig? My first standup. These are all gonna be standup questions. Where was my first standup gig? I played Nick's comedy stop in Boston, Massachusetts on Warrington Street. I was in a competition called Find Boston's funniest college student. And every night, each college had a different night and I went on, I went up on my night and I did okay. I didn't do great, but I did okay. And, and that's it. That's basically the story, because I know I've told it a million fucking times, but I was at Nick's comedy stop. Hang on. I just got a note. All right. Jesus Christ. All right. Let's move on here. This is, I'm sorry guys, I'm really killing the momentum here. Bill, did you have to play coffee shops and

bars before you could get up? Get to the comedy clubs. Yes. Yes, I did. It's always been a grind to become a comedian. I know your comedians nowadays have it way worse where we didn't have bringer shows. Some of these dudes, what they have to do here in LA and New York, God bless them, man, because it was not that fucking difficult. It just keeps getting harder. But the cream will rise to the top. Did I have to play coffee shops? Yes. Coffee, coffee shops, bars. I know I've told that story where I played the second story. Cleo, lay down. Cleo, lay down. I know I played that. I told that story where I actually did a gig at a two-story bar where I was performing on the second floor of this bar that had screens for windows and right

across the street was a carnival. And you know that ride where that Viking ship just rocks back and forth. It literally looked like a cock going into, you know, like when they do that horrific porno shot where they do the underneath shot of doggy style. That's what it looked like. And it was coming right towards the window. And I was bombing so hard that all I could hear was the people screaming on that ride. All right. There you go. There's one for you. And you know what was great was the guy who hosted the show. He actually had a lazy eye. And you know, he was really self-conscious about it. And he went on stage first and he was bombing. And these two people were sitting in the front row and they just didn't give a fuck. This guy just goes, dude,

and he pointed right at his face. He goes, the fuck is wrong with your eye? And it literally just, it was really painful to watch. I mean, that guy's lazy eye was probably part of the low self-esteem that made him become a comedian. Okay. And then he's like, I'm going to become a comedian. I'm going to get on stage. People are going to like me. And everything's going to end. This guy just fucking bam. And the dude had nothing. He was just like, I can't believe you just said that. It was bad. And then I went on after that. And I somehow had even a, I had worse moments than that. Jesus. These are a lot of bad stories this week. All right. Bill, when did you first open? When did I first move up to the opening spot? Well, I was getting through college. So

my first year was kind of a wash. 92. I started in March of 92. And I probably only got on stage a half dozen times, maybe eight times 12 at the most. And it probably was by mid, mid 93. WBCN used to have this, this thing called the comedy riot. And I won it, you know, it's for the up and coming guy. And after I won that, I remember that was the first time I got a real spot on a Tuesday night show on Jim LaLetta show. I got a spot. And I remember I was all fucking nervous like cause it wasn't an open mic show. I was like, Oh fuck, you know, when I'm going to open up on an open mic show, they know I'm an open miker, but now they're expecting a professional. I was fucking unbelievably nervous. And that was a huge, huge fucking night

for me. When I, you know, just doing a spot on a Tuesday, it's like that incremental shit. That's why I flipped out when I was saying, you know, when they say, Oh, the fans made Ringo Stars, you have no idea like incrementally the baby steps that you take to get to a higher fucking level and how huge little things like that. Like the first time I got $5 gas money, you have to doing it for a year and a half. I actually got, you know, a piece of paper that used to represent gold that really has no fucking value, but I didn't know that then. So I was like, I can actually go out with this $5 and get the number three at Subway. This is fucking awesome. And, you know, I love doing stand up so much that I, you know, I would drive to Maine from

Boston for free just to get stage time and would be driving all the way back almost falling asleep at the wheel to go to work at eight o'clock in the fucking morning to go unload trucks. And was just loving life. And it's one of the greatest things about, you know, doing this job is I fucking love it. So anyways, next one is the worth of your career starting. Can you guys hear that fucking weedwacker? I apologize. Is the worth of your career starting to weigh out the 20 years struggle of making it to the top? Well, dude, I haven't made it to the top, but yeah, dude, it was worth it. The day I got five bucks, the day I started doing it, it was the first fucking day when I drove home excited that I actually got had the balls to get

on stage and I drove home and I was listening to doctor, not doctor, I was listening to kickstart my heart. What a child of the eighties screaming the song, fucking ridiculously pumped up in my little piece of shit truck driving home. I couldn't believe it. I failed at everything else and I always thought I was, you know, I always said I was going to do this and I was going to do that and I never followed through and I finally followed through with something. It actually went great. And from the second I went up on stage and did it, you know, it was worth it. And it actually helped me, you know, in other areas like, like last night, you know, I was, I went down to go do stand up and these guys were playing afterwards like, Oh, I heard you play drums. You want to sit

in and I got all fucking nervous because, you know, I don't do that for a living. And then I just, I do what I always do is I just think, okay, what's going to feel worse going up there and bombing and sucking and making an ass out of yourself or going home, laying in bed, not being able to go to sleep, knowing that you were a pussy in that moment when you could have gone up there. So I said, fuck it. And I went up there and it fucking went great. You know, and plus when you get up there, there's like, you know, there's always other people who are really good. In fact, everybody else was really good. So you can kind of hide behind that fact, which is another thing that makes stand up so scary is because everyone's looking at you the entire time.

You can't blame it on the stool. All right, here's the last question. And then I'm going to start packing to go to Sweden. And I'll tell you guys all about it. I'm really going to try to do a podcast next week while I'm out there riding a bicycle around Stockholm, Sweden. How fucking great is that? There you go, dude. When you asked me to the 20 years struggle pay off, it really wasn't a struggle. I got to tell you because I fucking, I love doing it. So anyways, last thing, Bill, what will your new stand up special be called? And is there any way physically possible, any physical, any way physically possible, you could save tickets for me? Oh, Jesus Christ. I didn't even read this. My brother died a few years back in one of the

connections my brother and I had with your comedy and HBO special. And whenever I listened to all right, dude, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta email you back and talk to you about this stuff. This is I can't, I can't, and this is really getting sad. Okay, let's let's let's try to keep this up. All right. You know, that that's one of the dangers. I just read five good questions in a row. I'm like, this guy's fucking great. I didn't read the rest of them. And, you know, because then that you know what, because then that sticks me in a position where people who didn't have a brother die are going to go, Oh, that's a way to get free fucking tickets. You know, it's brutal. People with scumbags, which is why you got to get a dog. That's why you

got to get a dog because I swear to God, they just stay fucking love you. Isn't that right, Cleo? Huh? Of course it is. Wagon of tail. Fucking love that goddamn animal. All right. That's it. That's that's the podcast for this week. Thank you. Thank you everybody for listening. Sorry about moving the date in Ontario, but everything else is a go. I am going to be at the helium comedy club in Philadelphia. I don't have the dates in front of me in September. And then I'm going to be at the Addison improv in Dallas, Texas. And I'm going to be going to that Monday night football game at the Dallas Cowboys Stadium and tell you what, I'm going to do a little thing. I'm going to I'm going to try to because I've been to the new Yankee Stadium

and I'll tell you how they compare because the new Yankee Stadium was was amazing. It just it's what the old one should have been like as far as they never should have switched it up. I just wish when they redid it in the early 70s, they could have given it the facelift without, you know, I don't it's a long fucking story. But but still, it's no reason to charge your fans $42 for a fucking hot dog. So one bit of sympathy I have for Yankee fans is they're really getting raped at that ballpark. Oh, and also, fuck, I forgot to say this. Somebody out there sent me not only sent me the Rams Titan Super Bowl, they actually gave me a DVD that has the two games they played prior to it. I really appreciate that. And, you know, I got, you know, somebody sent me

another thing was just all, you know, hip hop songs. And I was thinking that this podcast could be kind of a cool way that if if you're looking for something and you can't fucking find it, maybe somebody has it. And I will be the interface to use computer savvy shit. If you want to throw out your email to something you're looking for, if there's a Super Bowl you missed and somebody has a copy, I don't fucking know. Why don't you use this podcast to do that? I'll throw something out there. And you know what else I forgot to talk about was the Kegorator. Somebody remind me, send me an email next Sunday night. Okay, this Sunday night, say, Bill, don't forget to talk about the Kegorator, which is basically a refrigerator that only holds a keg, which I did not know existed

until recently. And I have to admit, I'm pretty, I'm pretty enamored with it. Alright, and that's it. That's the Monday Morning Podcast. God bless all of y'all. And I'll talk to you next Monday. All right. Your life will surely change. This is the day when things fall into place. This is the day when your life will surely change. This is the day when your life will surely change. This is the day your life will surely change. This is the day when your life will surely change. This is the day your life will surely change.

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