Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-25-16

Episode Date: August 26, 2016

Bill rambles about shiny suits, making waffles and fat shaming.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? I got my microphone back. He's back from Europe, baby. He's back from Europe. I got my mixer. I got my fucking microphone there. I'm fucking wound up because I'm jet lagged. First of all, a lot of people sent me tweets. We're making sure I was okay because I was in Italy where they had that horrible earthquake, unfortunately, and devastating. I actually had flown out like 12 hours before that, but I was down on the Amalfi Coast, so I don't think I would have felt it anyways, but whatever. Nothing happened to me, so that pales in a

comparison to what happened to everybody else who's in the vicinity of it. So fucking brutal. You know what's crazy? I looked it up to see when it happened and there was a website that has all the earthquakes every day. Every day there's like, I forget, some ridiculous number. It was either like 30 or 700. Either way, it was impressive. The amount of fucking earthquakes that there are, and it just goes to show you that just things are just always moving and changing. I'm half in the bag right now, and I don't mean booze, because old fucking Billy Booze bag is clean willy again. He's going clean until he's special. I'm taking my special in Nashville, by the way, at the Ryman Theater,

doing two shows October 21st. There's a few tickets still left. If you'd like to go there and say, I was there when he did the thing about his fucking balls, doing the thing there with the fucking shit, you know, you could say that you were there. Or you could just say it anyways. You could say, no, whatever it says, you know, produce a ticket stub. When you really think about it, you say, yeah, I was fucking there. What stock? I was there. JFK. I was on the grassy knoll. Oh yeah, there was other people there. I declined to answer that question. I smelled, I definitely smelled gun, gunshots and my ears were ringing, but I'm going to stop short. I'm saying that it took place on the grassy knoll. Yeah, so

I am totally fucking jet lagged. And I've been doing a radio tour to promote all these dates I got coming up, getting ready for the special Reno fucking going to Virginia fucking Houston, South Carolina, all of this shit, getting ready to do that. Doing the makeup date finally from the Snowden days of Long Island. That's going to be September 7th. And I don't know where the fuck I go from there, but I know I head down south, going down south again, man. And woke my wife up today because I was doing the fucking radio. Bubba the love sponge was, I think was the first one that I did. And that woke her up. She's looking at me like, Jesus Christ, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm paying for the

vacation. Go back to sleep. That's not what I said. I said, Oh, I'm sorry, honey, did I wake you? She goes, yes. And she goes, can you make me some waffles with turkey bacon? And I said, yes. Okay, you know why? Because that's how you shut these broads up. You know what I mean? You just go in the, what do you want? When you want someone's fucking sugar on it to keep your fucking menstrual flow and fucking cycle, whatever the fuck goes on down there. Okay, that's not my part of it. Okay, I'm like the race car driver. I don't know how to build the fucking engine. I can get that fucker around the track. I don't know what that means. So anyways, I was making the waffles and of course, you know, she likes

turkey bacon, which evidently you can't stick in the oven. I don't like turkey bacon. It doesn't taste as good as pork bacon. And you don't know when it's done. When is turkey bacon done? Right? So the pan was dirty. So I'm fucking in the middle of this radio tour and I'm fucking making, I don't know. Somehow I was at the sink. I was fucking jet lag and the Greg Kinban Jeopardy pops in my fucking head and now I got to download it. Right? And next thing you know, I'm fucking doing dishes like six 30 in the morning. Right? Got my pajama bottoms on. Fucking headphones just crank it right where were you when I needed you back to something, something, bitch, right? So fuck you. You're a fucking

hard. I don't need your shit anymore. It's so hard to be all alone. I know you're something. Yeah. Oh, I love the jeopardy. Right? And then of course, she's back upstairs. You're still waking me up. Like, sorry, you know what I mean? What the fuck? I'm supposed to do a radio tow, wash the fucking pan, and make waffles, and I'm not supposed to listen to 80s music. Is that what you're telling me? You're telling me that is six 30, one in the morning. You know, so then I went on a Greg Kin fucking binge, right? And you something, and you something, you fucking something, negative, not affirmative. He says, No, like 58 different times. I don't know how they do.

I don't know how they leave singers do it. Like I would get stuck in my head, like, Oh, fuck, it's coming around again. And I got to say no in another unique way. No, no. Oh, no way. Rape, whatever they fucked. I don't know. No means no, Greg Kinban. I know I'm doing drinking the tea right now, which drives people fucking nuts. Well, I don't have fucking time because I got shit to do. All right. So as mentioned, when I was on, if somebody's on pointing at myself in the fucking mirror,

because I'm trying to keep, I'm trying to keep the fucking energy going. I got neither, not 24 fucking minutes. Then I'm done with this shit. Oh my God. Am I a fat fuck? Holy shit. You know how, you know how fat you are when you sit down and you see yourself in a mirror. Holy fucking shit. Good. Look, imagine a snowman with fucking flesh put on it. That's what I look like right now. You fucking, hang on a second. I got to talk to myself in the mirror. You fucking fat disappointment. Look at me. That's me. You, you, right in me. We're going downstairs that elliptical. Yes, we are. Yes, we are. We're doing 45 minutes of fucking day until you could sit down and look like a fucking human being. You disgust me.

That's how it's done. That is fat shame in one on one. You do it to yourself. Okay. In the back of your head, you know, you still love yourself. You know, tonight you're going to give yourself a couple of Oreo cookies as a reward and negate immediately after two bites, at least 27 minutes of cardio. You know you're doing that. Why wouldn't you do that? So I came back to the good old US of A had a little contraband. If you know what I mean, I ain't talking drugs, man. Talking about, you know, that fucking cigar habit got me again when I was over there, those motherfuckers. Next thing you know, you know, you know, you go through fucking duty free. Next thing you know, you down the street buying a humidor and there it sits. There it sits,

laughing at me. Oh, shiny. Oh, God damn you, Bill. You're such a weak son of a bitch. But when I got home or side from a month of mail, what I had, I ordered two books when I was over there and I was excited. One of them is going to kill me because this guy is such an underrated drummer like I've never even heard the proper pronunciation of his name. So I forgive me if I fuck this. I'm going to fuck it up because I'm going to say it two different ways, modal, modal, modal. You see the Billy Squire drummer. Is it Bobby? Is it Chewinard or Chewinard? I don't know what, but he had a book, the story of the Bobby Chewinard story, drummer extraordinaire, and I'm reading through that. And it's just a fucking great story and killer drummer.

And it's just, you know, it's got his modern drummer article in there. It's got all his killer fucking Ludwig drum kits. It's got all these interviews with all these guys, fucking Steve Smith and all these guys from the whole Boston music scene and all these clubs that they played. I remember back in the day when I'd be listening to WBCN, the Rock of Boston, they'd be like, oh, go check out fucking so and so down at the channel or at the Tam or the Middle Eastern Tavern, the Paradise and all that shit. And I remember thinking someday I'm going to go down there and I'm going to play drums. And you know what? It never happened. But you know, dreams die and you get older and you learn to accept things that, you know, the simple things in life, you

know, a little bit of apple cider as you watch the sun going down on your nine-year-old Prius, you know, those things. You learn to appreciate those things. You know, you're like, you know what? There's a lot of people out there that they would kill to have that dream. You know, not in this country. It's kind of hard when the people you're surrounded with, that's not their dream. It's kind of hard when they're laughing at that dream. Sure, that gets difficult. But if you could somehow transport that nine-year-old Prius to some of the poorest parts on earth, why they would look at you like a king, and that's what you have to hold on to. I'm just energying my way through this fucking thing. So then I went on this fucking, this whole thing on WBCN. Like, I'm fucking looking

up every article I could find. I ended up watching the last broadcast of WBCN. I didn't know it came out in 1968. I was born in 68. And for the first 41 years of my life, that fucking radio station was on the air. You know, they helped out. Arrows, Smith, they helped up all these fucking bands, David Bowie, all these guys, all these pictures, Frank Zapp, all these guys come to the station, and I was like, I need to know more about this shit. Next thing you know, I'm buying a book on it. See, I used to be in trucking. I didn't drive a truck. I unloaded the truck. That's what I did. I used to work in warehousing. I liked warehousing. Why? Because I didn't have a desk and there was a giant square footage area that if long, as long as I was within it, I was considered doing my job.

There wasn't somebody breathing down my fucking throat, you know, my neck, I should say, my throat. I was weird. Down my fucking neck is I am supposed to be doing the spreadsheets or whatever it is, those fucking poor people who sit in cubicles. You ever just, you ever just, you ever just walk by that maze of fucking cubicles, you know? If I was, if I worked in there every Halloween, you'd have to direct stress up like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and just limp your way through all of them with an ax going, Wendy! Wendy! Like fake icicles on your nose. You couldn't do that. Some, somebody would blow a rape whistle or they would, they would somehow feel it was sexist because how come a woman couldn't dress up? Why was he chasing a woman? You know, all the fun of it

would be immediately taken away by human race. One fucking, one little fucking little call to human resources, you know, it would just all go away. The whole thing would go away and then what? You'd go right back to the soul-crushing silence of 148 adults sitting in a maze of cubicles, wandering, praying, hoping for someday their dream to come walking through that door and get them the fuck out of that office. But until then, continue on with your spreadsheets. So I used to work out in the, uh, used to work out in the warehouse unloading their trucks, you know, UPS driver, the FedEx driver, you know, half those guys would show up, they gave themselves their own tattoos for whatever fucking reason, all of them.

Every fucking one of them had something in common was that they didn't want to work for somebody else, but they were too dumb to start their own fucking business. So what do you do? You get into trucking. I work for you buddy, but you ain't gonna see me for days. You understand? You don't know. Am I at this crackle barrel? Am I over there to Dennis? Am I on the side of a fucking highway porn shop? You got no fucking idea. And as long as I bring that truckload of Q-tips in by Thursday 9am, I'm getting paid. Don't be, don't matter what the fuck I did for the last three fucking days. And I always related to those guys. I saw it. There was, there was a freedom, yet you had stability. Okay. I'm getting a check every fucking week, but I don't got some

cut breathing down my neck unless you work for UPS. UPS was a motherfucker. They always had that fucking ride-along douche, the ice cube of UPS, right? And then you were the Kevin Hart character, driving the fucking thing as he was reading you the riot act. Well, I guess in those movies, ice cube always drives, but you know what I mean? The hard ass. And then you were like the, uh, the, the, the chicken police academy. Don't move, dirtbag! Right? You were the fucking scared person when they would come along and they'd write you up every time you didn't fucking put on your blinker. You fucking blinker, right? If you took the turn too sharp and all of that bullshit. So anyway, so I went down this fucking rabbit hole and I ended up buying this book on WBCN that's just

coming out. Oh, I know what I was going to say. So when I used to fucking work, brain is all over the place. When I used to work in the warehouse, I, um, I used to fucking, we still listen to that every fucking day. Chow's Lockwood era, the big mattress. And then the lunchtime song, you know, would come on and it'd be like, whatever the fucking hits were that day where they would just put lunch in it. And then Mark Parento would come on at 3pm. And then you knew it was almost the end of the fucking day. And he was like the coolest guy. He was like the rock star, the whole fucking thing. And I know he had some extracurricular activities. I'm talking about the man on the air. Man on the air was a fucking rock star for three to six. It was the fucking greatest,

because he was the coolest guy. And then you knew that the day was almost fucking over, right? And you knew those guys were all doing fucking blow and they were drinking. They made you feel, oh, I do his trick. These guys are doing blow at work. Why can't I get drunk on the forklift? They had that sort of influence on people in Boston. I'm kidding. They actually, when I was watching, um, I think Bradley Jay was the guy who did the last, I watched so many of them and I was fucking jet-lagged. I think he did the last shift on WBCN. And they were talking about all the, all the bands that they broke, all the stuff that they did. And they would say in all the fun, all the fun stuff they did for charity. And they started talking about how WBCN had their

own softball team called the BCN Ball Busters. And I was immediately like, no fucking way. I went to one of those events and they go, yeah, one time we played this one band, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, then because there was another time we played this band and I was, and they said, Huey Lewis in the news. And I was like, I was at that thing screaming at my computer in Italy, going, I fucking went to that, right? And they were like, yeah, when did we, we did that? And like fucking marble head. And I was like, and I was screaming at the computer like they could hear me. I was like, no, was it Nickerson Field in fucking at Boston University? I believe when they still had a football program. And I went to that. I remember

Huey Lewis pitched. I remember their bass player. He showed up dressed like he was going on stage. He had a long leather coat and he had like the number four and then like tape on the back of his coat. He had a cigarette going. He was fucking hilarious. And everybody was rooting for Huey Lewis in the news, except for me and my buddy. And we were heckling them. You know, everybody, you know, was rooting for them because they were the rock stars. They weren't rooting for the fucking hometown, right? Bunch of fucking dick writers. And we were sitting there and we had a couple, two, three, Huey, you're going to lose. You got nothing, right? Everybody's staring at us. So anyway, so I bought a book on that and that's it. And I think I don't think I have anything

else to fucking say. And I still got 14 minutes left. So this is, this is where it becomes a quagmire. Oh, I didn't mention I did, I did finally see the fucking UFC 202. Holy shit, was that worth the money? I don't give a fuck if the next three UFC, well, I'd give a shit three. If the next two stink, I don't give a fuck. That's how good 202 was. That was, that was just, of course, I don't know the names and I don't know shit about fighting. You know, I gotta admit, even like when I watch, like, I'll watch, uh, uh, what's his face there? The Burger King guy. Why do I always forget his fucking name? Conor McGregor. There you go. Like when he's, when he's like, when he's fucking doing his press

conferences, which is just an amazing performance. I don't even know what the fuck he's talking about. Okay. I don't know what a fucking triangle is, you know, under hooks. I don't know what any of that shit is. I just fucking, I just, I just, it's the baddest fucking job you could possibly have. What do you do for a living? I fucking kick somebody's fucking ass. Fucking walking in there like it's the 1800s, bare-chested, just walking in and beating the fuck out. It's the greatest thing ever. But I gotta admit, when they get all technical, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about, you know? So when he, no matter what he's saying, I don't hear what he's saying because I don't get, I don't, I don't know anything about fighting.

You know what I mean? So all I hear is, I got a fucking shiny suit. That's all I hear. That's all when he talks. I don't give a fuck what he's saying. That's all. I got a fucking shiny suit. I got a parachute to match it. I got a whole fucking closet full of fucking Chinese suits and a fucking parachute to match all of them. I'll put my fucking shiny shoes up on the fucking table. Right? That's all I hear. You're gonna do nothing. You screaming and yelling and shit, throwing water bottles. It's fucking tremendous. No idea what they're talking about. And Nate Diaz reminds me of every fucking dude I ever had detention with and went to summer school with, right? That fucking dude who just, he wouldn't crack. Even if he knew you did it, he wouldn't

say shit, right? So I'm liking both of them. So I finally sit down, right? I got a fucking shiny suit up down the street. There's a fucking guy with a fucking shiny pair of shoes on. I don't know why that's what I focus on, probably because I don't know shit. I haven't had a fight since like fucking seventh grade. And I was gonna say, and I lost as I recall, like you forget getting your ass kicked. Oh God, I took a bad one. You know when you lose so bad, you can feel your hair? That's how much my fucking head was on fire. I could almost like close my eyes and mentally count the fucking hair follicles. That's how bad I lost that fight. Holy shit, what am I fucking? Was it my left ear or my right ear? One of them was like so

fucking hot and it was just ringing. You never thought like your shirt could hurt you until you got into like a fight. Remember that somehow you fucking collared your shirt would leave like these ligature marks on your neck. But how did that happen? Jesus fucking Christ, that was a good one for the other person, not for me. Then that was the end of my fucking fighting career. Oh, I had a bad fighting career. You know, I fucking I lost to a girl when I was in the third grade. She was in fifth grade though. Now I gotta tell you something, that was a big deal. Okay. And if Conor McGregor can keep talking about how he went up a couple of weight classes, then I could make a fucking excuse that this she was in fifth grade. All right. She had me by like,

I don't know, six inches and above she was if she was a big girl. And I was trying to get the attention of her sister who was in the third grade. And she had she'd taken the kickball from me. And I playfully went up there to take it back from her. But I grew up while I had was brothers. So I didn't know how to fucking interact with females. So I took it away. The way I would take it from my little brother, I fucking ripped it away. And she was near the school and me ripping it away caused her to careen into the school, which we all know are made out of bricks, because of the three little pig story, right? So it's made out of fucking bricks. And she hit her head on it and started to cry. And I was like, and I didn't know what to do. Shit, my wife cried

last week. I didn't know what to do. Then you think I know what to do 40 fucking years ago? I didn't, right? So she started fucking crying and out of nowhere. Because the third graders and the fifth graders had the same fucking recess. She came out of fucking nowhere. She came out of fucking nowhere. And just proceeded to just, I can't really remember what it was. It was just, I just remember it was coming from above. I don't know exactly what she hit me with. It was fists, but I don't know if they were hammer fists. I don't know what, but she fucking killed me. And the only kills me is I held it together. I fucking held it together afterwards, you know, where you want to cry, but you're like, I'm not going to cry. You're trying to walk upright,

you know, with your heads a little cocked. And I was trying to just fucking walk away. And I was, I was all good. And I got about five feet away. And then this other girl goes, she shouldn't have done that to you. And then I fucking burst it out crying. Oh, it was a long, sad, sorted fucking tales of my fights. But dude, I had a lot of heart. Did you build? You cried after a woman beat you up. You know what I mean? Anyways, she wasn't a woman. She was a child. So was I. You know, when I look back at it, if I just fucking just had a little more head movement and I went for a single leg takedown, you know what I mean? I think I could have had her. But you know, that shit was not mainstream

back then. So, you know, I didn't get the underhooks going and there was no way to get the triangle going with the, the figure four leg lock. So I lost that one there. So anyways, I watched the whole fucking fight night UFC 202. I got a fucking, I got a fucking pocket square. Freeze one of my fucking suits. Okay, there was some guy dressed like a cowboy. I remember that he came down like he looked like he was from the outback. Like the second you saw this guy, you were like, this guy just does not give a fuck. And he, he fought a guy. This is why I have such a respect for fighters. He fights this fucking kid who started off as a wrestler in college. He lost his first 17 matches. You know, Jesus, I would have been crying after three.

I knew I stuck it. This dude lost 17 in a row as a freshman and stuck with it. By the time he was like a senior, he was like some finalist in some national thing. It's fucking, I'm telling you, it's fucking amazing, right? I'm trying to think like a more bad ass fucking sport. And the only thing I can come up with is that fucking TT race in the Isle of Man, where those guys ride like 200 miles an hour through the fucking woods on ninjas and shit. Like every, like three, four years, like somebody dies. It's fucking unbelievable. Like somebody died in like 2014. The guy like hit a house. Just doing like fucking, I don't know how, I don't know how fast he was going, but he went up over a hill and landed on his front wheel and he was going right to

the fucking house. And then that was it over. And there's a bunch of people standing there. It's incredible. So I saw that. I was just like, Jesus, I tell jokes for a living. That's like kind of pathetic when you when you look in that way. Anyway, so this fucking this cowboy dude comes in, right? He fights this kid who just has no Quitnam, right? He lost his first 17 matches and now he's in the fucking UFC. And he fucking beat this kid. Like it was one of the sickest anybody was like, Oh, it looks books and better than UFC. You got to see the way knock this guy out. If you can't appreciate, you fucking jabs him in the face. And then the moment when he closes his eyes, this guy fucking drops down two floors, like a fucking cat, you know, and then

punches him in his stomach and the dude's like, what the fuck? He leans to the right. That guy throws this fucking cowboy guy throws a left hook. And as his fucking head goes over the right, he fucking boots him in the face. It was like matrix level fighting, except it was fucking real. Unbelievable. I couldn't beat a fucking fifth grade girl. I mean, it's just it's so humbling to watch one of these events. So then the next fight, this guy just goes by rumble, right? He's standing there, this giant shredded black dude, and he's just sort of adjusting the gloves as he was standing there. It was so intimidating. I just started laughing and without even thinking I just laughed and said, what the fuck do you do with that? And according to the

one fight I've seen him fight evidently nothing. This guy fucking he redefined the right there, Fred. He fucking came out. The other guy's doing a little couple of fucking little, I don't know what the fuck I can't remember what he did. It was a couple of little little fucking and little I don't know what the fuck you call them little flurries back and forth and then he kind of just reached out grabbed the guy by the back of his head or his shoulder and said like, Hey, you know, I want to talk to you for a second. Like, what's his face in fucking Beverly Hills cop when he kills Eddie Murphy's friend? Jonathan Banks. Jonathan Banks. Remember when he grabs it going like he just puts his arm around him like, Hey, do you ever I mean ever fucked up? I'm sorry.

And he just fucking, he gives him two by the fucking year. That's what he did with this guy. He just fucking he just sort of reached out grabbed him and then just this fucking uppercut fucking blam over fucking over the right there, Fred. You know, it's a great thing. If you still have it recorded, you got to see Bruce Buffer's face. It's the fucking greatest reaction ever. He's sitting on the side. That's what I like about it. When you watch the knockouts in slow motion, you can sometimes see Rogan or somebody just dip their jaws down like hanging on the floor. Just it's one of the sick knockouts I've ever seen. And then I don't know. I know there was a couple of us. I was pretty fucking jet lag. And then

of course I woke up, Conor McGregor comes out, right? Nate Diaz. And I'm not going to lie to you. I was rooting for Nate. All right. I like Nate, you know what I mean? But I also knew when he went in there that there was the only fucking way he was going to win that fight was if he knocked him out, TKO got him to tap or choked him out. That's the only fucking way because at the end of the day, it's a fucking business. It's a fucking business. Okay. And nobody makes that money like Conor McGregor. When he comes from, I got a fucking pair of shoes to match every fucking. So when he starts fucking going off and all the money he's got coming in there looking like a million bucks and then those fucking Irish guys. So that's the sound of fucking billions of dollars just raining

down on the UFC. You got to knock the guy up or it's fucking over. So the fucking fight start. He starts kicking Nate in the fucking leg. Every one of those, I was just going, that would, that I would quit. I would quit again. I would, I would, I would write an apology to his entire family for stepping into the fucking and Nate's just, you know, taking me, seeing the back of his fucking leg is getting bruised up. It's fucking brutal. Just the sound of it. Right. Anybody else have an older brother and you just laying on the couch and you watching a deputy dog or some shit. He just comes over and just punches you. He's not a pro. He's just your ass all over the brother and he punches you in the side of the leg. That was it. Your day was over.

This guy's taken a professional foot to the fucking leg like 50 times it seemed in the first round. Anyways, he got like knocked down like one or two times in the first round. So obviously he loses that one. All right. Then gets knocked down in the second round. This is how I saw the fight. This is somebody who has not ever had a professional fight and lost his last amateur bout in the seventh grade and got beat up by a girl in the third grade. So you know that you have to take what I'm saying seriously. I thought from the second half of the second round, halfway through the second round, as most people say, to the end of the fight. I mean, I thought he pretty much, Nate pretty much won the fight. You know, it's the problem was he got knocked down the first

half of the second round. So you're going to lose that round. All right. But he definitely won round three. I thought he won round four and I thought halfway from round four to the end of round five, Conor McGregor was going for like this country stroll and kept looking at the fucking clock and his mouth was hanging open and Nate just kept coming. I mean, at one point he like, he was walking away for like the 10th time and Nate's like giving him the finger and shit. Like where the fuck are you going? But I don't know. The end of the day, Nate was bleeding like a fucking sieve. I think a lot of that's just because he's got all that scar tissue and shit. He always ends up bleeding. But the fucking guy is like a maniac. The more he bleeds,

the more he finds the more he bleeds, you can't kill it. He starts, he moves forward. He just keeps going forward. So I don't know. I would have been surprised beyond, even though it was for Nate, if they actually said Nate won the fight, I would have been shocked if they gave it to him because he did get knocked down three times. And also, Conor McGregor makes him all that fucking money. And, but when they gave it to Conor, it also didn't feel right, you know? And, you know, something, Conor talked shit afterwards. He goes, surprise, surprise. The fucking king is back or some shit. It's like, now, now, now. You looked a little nervous when they went to the judges. You did not look confident

whatsoever. So don't, don't fucking do that shit now. So unbelievable. Fucking fight. This is something that knows nothing about fighting, but I know when I see an unbelievable fight. So thank you to both of them. And I can't wait for the fucking third one. It was funny. I watched the whole thing while my wife was like sleeping and shit. And she, like, she was so, I was, so I couldn't really like yell and shit. And I remember laughing my ass off so many fucking times. There were so many funny moments in that. Like when they were waiting for the decision. And you, you said, Nate goes, he goes, I won that shit, motherfuckers. Fucking guy's the best. Right. And then I liked when, when the rumble guy won

and he said, Hey, I want to fight you next. And they cut to the champion, right? And everybody booze him and they do the whole thing. I know he's a champion, everything. And when I first saw him, I was like, is that Rondell Sheridan? Did he make it as a comedian and get bored? And now he's dominating the fucking UFC. They went on him so quickly. And then they cut back. Oh, that's not Rondell Sheridan. And, um, and when I saw the guy who is the champion, of course, I don't know his fucking name either. What was hilarious to me is I found like the one disadvantage of having a black belt in mixed martial arts is you're so good at fighting everyone around you was too scared to say you button too many buttons up. And it's like the guy never wore a fucking

eyes on before. It's like, dude, what are you doing? I never seen that many buttons on a polo shirt. And this son of a bitch, man, he fucking, he button them all. You know, that's how he got his black belt. He didn't quit at the fucking yellow belt. This guy kept going. And you know what, he applied the same things that he learned when he went up the martial arts ladder with those buttons. He goes, I'm not stopping at the ground floor. I'm taking this to the end. How many buttons are there? I'm going to fucking button all of them. God damn it. He did it. All right. I think I'm done with this whole fucking thing here. Pet peeves of the UFC. All right. Pet peeves is when they cut to actors in the crowd and they ball up their fists like their fighters. It's like, dude,

we get it. You're at a fight. What do you do with, if you had a baseball game, would you mine, mine like being at bat? I hate when people do shit like that, especially if you're not a professional fighter. Stop, stop balling up your fuck. Or if you played a fighter in a movie and you start balling up your fist, what are you, what are you doing? You know, I swear to God, if I'm ever lucky enough to get close enough and if I ever get big enough that they put the camera on me, I'm going to keep it real and I'm not going to ball at my fist. I'm going to imitate a ring girl. I'm going to blow a kiss and do that stupid little hard thing that they do. And that's going to be it. I'm going to do a little wave, you know, representing. It is always funny too when they,

when they cut to somebody too. Did you see when they cut to Kanye West? That's the funniest shit ever. There's nothing more humbling. If you think you're a fucking year that you're this shit, if you go to a professional fight, did you see the loonies trying to smile and the camera is on it? You can see his fucking brain turning going and after watching the fucking Nate Diaz, Conor McGregor fucking epic fight that it was, right? That should have been a movie. It was such a great fight. And then they cut to Kanye West and the smile on his face. You can see his, his brain was turning just going and why do I talk so much shit? I get on stage with a leather kilt and I rhyme stuff. These fucking guys are gladiators, right? Anyway, and I'm telling you

almost every UFC that I've ever seen, there's always that guy. They always cut to somebody in the crowd that's usually talking shit and they try to smile their way through it. They can't. You see it? It's undeniable. It's undeniable. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I got a couple of advertising things. I have to, I got a fucking read here at this point. I'm Conor McGregor. I got a fucking shiny suit. I got a pair of shoes. I got a whole fucking closet full of shiny suits and I got a pair of fucking shoes to match all of them. You're going to do fucking nothing. That's one of the great fucking lines ever when Nate was yelling at him saying, blah, blah, blah, he goes, you're going to do fucking nothing. I would love to be

able to say that to another man and fucking really believe it. Because no matter how hard I said it back in my head, he's definitely going to hit you a lot, Bill. I mean, you got to, who's kidding him? You got a huge head, all right? It's a big target. It's hard to miss. All right. Do you think what's his face ever, Spart? Ted Kennedy, his giant fucking squash. I would tell you that time I fucking met him. Well, too bad. I'm not going to tell you. Oh, come on with the fucking password. It's my computer at this point. Can't you just fucking, can't the Illuminati look at me through the fucking camera at this point? Come on, password. Bam. There we go. All right. Where were you when I needed you? You were sucking fucking dick. All right. Oh, here we go. Oh,

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true. To any fucking show that they advertise on. Get a special offer of 30% off. Your entire order, go to the spelled T-H-E-T-R-A-C-K-E-R dot com, the tracker dot com and enter the promo code Burr. The hardest thing you'll ever have to find is their website. Go to tracker dot com right now and enter the promo code Burr for 30% off your entire order. Again, Jesus fucking Christ, that's tracker dot com promo code Burr. How many fucking times? All right, that is the Thursday afternoon podcast. Once again, thank you to everybody in Italy for treating me and my wife so wonderfully. My condolences to everybody trapped in that fucking rubble over there. There's the scariest shit ever. Scariest fucking shit ever. I can't even fucking imagine that. Every time they show

the footage of that, it's just like for fuck's sakes, just put the number up already so I can donate something. And then you got to worry that some cunt's going to take that money instead of helping the people out of the fucking rubble. He's going to go buy himself a scooter. We can't end on some sad shit like that. Do you guys remember Eddie Grant? This is how much jet lag I've had. I just went down this 80s rabbit hole. What happened to that fucking guy? That guy had like out in the streets there is violence. Remember that? And now there's a lot of, Bill, we can't listen anymore. You're singing. All right, whatever. I'll sing to myself on the fucking elliptical. So I try to look less like a fucking snowman. Jesus Christ, what happened to me? What happened to

me? I was doing so well. Bill, you know what you did? You know what you did? Is you ate a bunch of shitty food for days upon end. You got fat the same way everybody gets fat. And now you're trying to act like you don't understand how it happened. Okay? Like you weren't there when it went down. You reached out. You could have grabbed an apple. You could have had a banana. You could have got a salad and you reached right past those and you went to the fucking whatever the fuck you ate. Goddamn dope. All right, that's it. That's the part. Okay, whatever. All right, here's some music. I don't know what it's going to be. I know I'm sure somebody's going to like it. Somebody else is going to complain about it, but I can tell you this right now. I don't give a shit. Okay?

I'm tired. I'm jet lagged. I'm catching a cold and I'm fat. All right? That's that's the report here. Reporting live from the Thursday afternoon podcast. Enjoy the greatest hits from yesterday year, a podcast gone by. Go fuck yourselves, you cunts. I'll talk to you on Monday. Have a nice weekend. Oh, by the fucking way, not by the way, people. This is by the fucking way, which you know that I'm about ready to tell you some shit that I believe in, baby. I'm at Logan Airport. Edward Lawrence Logan Airport. I finally learned that but Logan Airport is as named after Eddie Lawrence Logan. It was some sort of fucking military person who fought in the Spanish-American war and that they used to have a statue of them before they had to

make the airport even bigger because people out fucked it, you know? So I go there, okay, and I go through security and they got the giant fucking microwave they want me to stand in with my leg spread doing the Jay-Z symbol, right? Well, the Sammy Hagar from the 5150 tour, depending on what generation you are, depending what side of the tracks you're from. All right? This podcast is for everybody. I'm sure someone in the village people did it. There, you see that? Reached out to the gay community. Swell guy. Pat myself on the back here. So anyways, I say I'm not fucking, you know, I'm opting out. All right, sir, can you go stand over there? I don't even like standing over there. I used to work in a fucking dental office when I

would take an x-ray of somebody's tooth. One little fucking thing and we put that camera right up to the side of their jaw. We put a lead vest over all their vitals right down to their dick or hooha and then I left the fucking room stood behind a wall that had lead in it and I pressed the fucking button. Now I'm supposed to stand there, you know, like I'm just going into prison. They do everything, but you have your bend over and spread your fucking ass cheeks. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing it. And I know what people are saying. Well, Bill, you talk on his cell phone, right? That's fucking radiation. You're flying an airplane, right? That's fucking radiation. I understand that I am getting radiated throughout the course of the day and the way I live my life.

I understand that. Okay, but I don't need to get extra radiated. So if there's a way to opt out, believe me, if there was a way to opt out of flying on a fucking airplane, a viable way, aside from just saying, fuck this business, I'm going to buy an old bus and just drive around and that'll be my miserable life. I would do it. But the fact that I can just stand there for an extra five, 10, 15 fucking minutes, you know, and rather than stand in that microwave, I could just go over and just have some, you know, sort of cute male person pat down my ass with the back of his hands. Do you have any sensitive areas? I would much rather do that. Okay. And then, you know, people have given me shit about it saying it's stupid. It's fucking pointless and

blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, so anyway, anyways, I'm at Eddie Lawrence Logan Airport, Edward Lawrence. And I'm standing there. I'm waiting, you know, and whenever you want to get fucking padded down, they wait for fucking ever they make it take extra long. I'm convinced that they do it just so you just say, fuck it, I'm going to go into the toaster. All right, but I don't give a shit. I always get to the airport early. Because I know the game that they're running over there. Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody. How are you? Come over here, talking to the microphone. How you been? We couldn't hear you last week. Oh, I've been great. Thanks for asking. Great to be back. Are you reading from a script? No, who just woke up? I am great. Thank you for

asking. Yeah, where's the real Nia? Who is this sexy robot that was replaced? Listen to this shit. I'm telling this story about, you know, I always opt out of doing the Jay-Z thing where they radiate everything but your fucking taint at the airport. Jay-Z. Yeah, you know, you fucking you have your hands like the hover sign. Isn't that what it is? Yeah. So I'm standing there waiting, right? And I'm staring down some bald headed douche who knows. First of all, they always have some chick there and she just goes, you know, what are they? What do they say? A male? Oh, what is what they say? Male pat down or whatever they say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Male support. I'll five, whatever the fuck they say. And it's typical chick voice where it can only carry.

You guys aren't good at yelling. Yes, we are. Yeah, like no one hears it. No one hears it. All right, go ahead. You know, I got the microphone away. Yell. Male support. I'll four. Yell it. I want to hear it. I want to hear it. So that's good. That has a sense of fucking urgency. All right, then you know what? They don't put their fucking heart in it. They just go male pat down. I'll say screaming like there's something going down or whatever. Yeah, but you got to communicate. You got to communicate to those bald fatties guys down there. We're going to put the back of their hands on my ass there. They don't they don't get it. They have a whole little system that they're talking

to each other that you who's fucking side do you want here? Not yours. Obviously. All right. Well, listen to this shit. Listen to this shit. Let me let me get to the point. Hey, time out. Time out. Get another microphone. Get another microphone. Hang on a second. We're actually going to pause the podcast. The podcast. All right, so the magic of hitting pause. What's something I'm never doing this thing actually hit pause there. So anyways, this is the deal. So I'm going through security. Yeah, after all these people ridiculed me like, oh, you're already getting radiation anyways, man. So why not stand there and have literally have your entire body but your taint lit up, right? So I'm fucking standing there. And this lady is going,

if I can get a mail support out for, you know, and I'm like, they're not hearing you. They're not here. And then she goes, sir, could you stand over there? I go, I'm going to stand around and you watch my wallet. Okay, you can stand right there. All right. So anyways, this fucking Asian kid comes up. Fat Asian kid, one of the rare ones. Why? Like, like, like, like, like a white elephant. Why is that relevant? It's because Asian people are in great shape. They eat great. I don't know what it is. They're in fucking awesome shape there. Once in a while, you see one, you see a fat age, and you're like, holy shit. Right? I don't mean like he's a fucking did it on purpose to sumo wrestle. This is just a fact sumo sumo sumo one whatever the fuck it is,

this fat Asian kid comes up not relevant to the story. But it is for the comedy it is. No, I see. All right. Sorry. Come on. Listen, I trashed waspy fucking white people on this. Oh, you did. You talked about Nantucket. Yes, I did. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yeah, see, you just hate him. And it's it's wrong. I don't hate anybody. I don't have hate in my heart. All right, shut up. Listen. So this, this, this, this person, this fat kid comes up. Yeah. All right. And the lady and the lady goes, hi, hi. He couldn't even hear her. He goes, he's like, what? He's like, what? And I want to be like, how old are you? That's what the fuck she's trying to say. And he goes, 13. And she goes, all right, come over here. And she had him go through the old school one.

Yeah. So basically, you want me to stand in something that could kill a 13 year old. That's what the fuck I'm supposed to do, you know, on the wait, wait, on the way out, on the way back twice, two times, two times that four times a month, I'm going to stand in this thing that can kill a 13 year old. I'm sure I can't kill it. Maybe like an effect is like puberty or his growth or something. Yeah. I think maybe to affect his dick. I have a dick too. What? Cause my dick's old now. Yeah, your dick is old. It's already grown. Your balls are like down between your knees. No one cares about it anymore. Like it's just kind of like out of commission. I think women can avoid that full body thing by saying that they're pregnant and they won't let you go. They won't

make you go in there if you say that you're pregnant. Exactly. Women always have the I'm just a girl excuse to get out of horrific things that guys have to do. But stick with the thing here. If that fucking thing, how old are you? 13. Get over here. I prevent him from getting like chest hair or something, but you, yeah, you're old. Like they don't care about you. It's the youth of tomorrow that we're concerned about. Oh, there you go. I sat there and I almost. You're out of the game, man. I almost, I'm not even, this isn't about me, whether I feel like I'm old or not. I know I'm old. I'm talking about surviving. Um, I almost high fived myself. I actually, I burst it out laughing. Extra laughed because I wanted fucking Mary mumbles to be like Mary. Yeah, what are you

laughing at? I'm laughing because I'm doing the right thing. If that fucking thing isn't safe for a goddamn 30, I can see who's a bit making some little baby crawl through there. He's a fucking kid who probably knows more about computers than I do. And they're like, yeah, no, don't think so. Come over here. Oh. Hey, what's going on? Bill Burr, the Monday morning podcast. And once again, I am in an airport. Uh, on my way to, uh, this is a big week for me. This is the week leading up to my, uh, to my standup special, which will be this Sunday night, August 31st on Comedy Central. Yes, you can tell I'm reaching for shit. You didn't notice that when you're talking to

somebody on the phone, you can tell if they're talking for you. As they're talking to you, they're looking around their desk, you know, you're talking to them. And then they get that, they start doing a sentence like I'm doing right now where it takes a real long time to say it. Jesus Christ with the announcements. Anyways, yeah, so this is what I got going on this week. If any of you podcast listeners actually have a radio, I'm going to be doing a ton of radio this week. And, uh, why don't we just start this whole fucking thing over again? Oh, Jesus. This is unreal. I think I'm in the crossroads here. Okay. Gate number six, 1130. Now the guy with the deep voice is waiting. It's going to be his turn in a

second. Okay, we got it. It's a small jet. It's a small jet. So if you have a roll on, you must check it. That's what's going to be me in about fucking 45 minutes. I like those little jets. I don't mind it. And they don't bug me. Anyways, yeah, so this week, coming up, you can see on the top of my space page, my one hour standoff special. Good Lord. Okay. All right. Anyways, this is ridiculous. What are the 10 flights leaving at the same time? Oh, Jesus, Danny, where are you? All right, let's try again. Okay, I have a my one hour standoff special coming out. It's like getting heckled. Who is talking?

Okay, here we go. I have my one hour standoff special this Sunday, August 31st at 11pm on Comedy Central called Why Do I Do This? Please watch it if you get a chance. Okay. And this week leading up, I'm going to be doing a bunch of media. So if you have a radio in your car or whatever and you want to listen to me, Pat Dance, I got some big radio shows coming up tomorrow. I'm going to be on the Bob and Tom show. I don't know. I mean, it's those guys are all over the country. So I don't know when it's coming on. Whenever the Bob and Tom show comes on, I'm going to be on that show tomorrow. And then I fly into New York. And later on that afternoon, I'm going to be on Sirius Satellite Radio. And it's going to be on the Jim Brewer, Brewer Unleashed,

the Pete Corrielli, Lenny Mocketh, and all those guys at five o'clock east coast time. And then right after that show, I'm doing one hour of my own hype for my special this Sunday on Sirius Satellite Radio. And that will be from six to seven p.m. And I believe Joda Rosa over there is going to be my co-host, going to be hyping my special joking around. And if you uninformed fans, my radio show with Joda Rosa, we're back on. The merger went through. So shit is cool again over there. So we're going to be taking one this August 31st, actually the day when my special comes up. Jesus Christ. So I might as well read you the rest of the stuff. You want to hear what it's like? This is my first ever media blitz on

Wednesday. I guess I'm doing a... Oh yeah, they set up these radio tours where they just set up like, you know, 20 radio stations for you to call in. And really quickly, you just do them one after another, 15 minutes to try to be funny. I'm going to be doing WAAF in Boston, Worcester, Boston, as they say, the Hillman Morning Show, WNNX, the regular guys in Atlanta. I love those guys. Had a great time with them. That'll be at 8. At 8.50, I'll be doing Dudley and Bob, Austin, Texas, which is cool because I'm going to be there in October. The Dawn Patrol, Cincinnati, Ohio at 9.10. Sherman and Tingle in Chicago. Gomez and Dave in Syracuse. I guess you got to have two people on every show. Frank and Frack doing Mike in the morning.

Detroit. Stand up, sit down. John Boy and Billy Big Show. What the fuck is that? Charlotte, North Carolina. Stash in Baltimore. Jesus Christ. All right. And then on Thursday, I'll be doing the Open Anthony Show. Totally psyched to be back. Oh, man, they got a trash me. It's not fucking West Coast. I am totally stoked, man, to be on the Open Anthony Show. 7 a.m. on Thursday. And Open Anthony again, 7 a.m. on Friday. And I think the some more serious satellite shows, but I've been realizing this is getting fucking boring. I'm doing a bunch of radio, okay? That's what I'm doing. So anyways, if you're new to my page, this is what I do. I do podcasts once a week on Monday. I try to be funny, give people something

to laugh about their first day of work. And I actually got a nice email from somebody reminding me to let you guys know that you can actually subscribe to this podcast on iTunes. I've never said that, I don't think, but you can subscribe to it. And this person says, you don't have to read this out loud, but I love the podcast and subscribe on iTunes for probably a year now. I listen to it every Monday at the gym. I think that's really cool. So does that mean you're listening right now? Are you on the treadmill? Are you on the elliptical? Is there some really sweaty, hairy person to the right of you? Those Robin Williams forearms, no matter how far away you get from them,

that arm hair sweat somehow still hits you. Have you ever played one-on-one pickup basketball? There's always that other guy on the other team that just sweats profusely. Wait a minute. They actually did that. They did a skit on that, didn't they? And the cable guy, which I think is a very underrated movie. And if you want to talk about overrated, I saw Tropic Thunder. I don't know what the big fucking deal was about that movie, but Jesus Christ, it's just a regular movie. You know what I think it was? I think it was because it had so many inside jokes in the industry. We're so excited that they understood the jokes, that they were like extra laughing. I see that every once in a while. I was talking about that

with Joda Rosa this morning, how sometimes you go into these comedy clubs and a comedian will make a joke that's really inside. And then there's always that comic at the back of the club that's got to be like, aha, aha, aha. They're not even laughing. They more want to be like, I get it. I'm in the loop, but that's why I felt like that movie was. I don't know what the big fucking deal was. First of all, that movie was about 20 years too late. They should have made that movie in 1988 when everyone was going to go see those movies. Look at me just being a little cunty movie reviewer here. Whatever, you know what I mean? I should get mad at them. They just tried to make a funny movie, but everybody else told me it was awesome. All right, I just tried to talk over that guy

on the speaker, and I immediately became a loud guy on the cell phone, and some lady just shot me a look. So I'm going to have to bring it down to my Bill Burr in the evening, late night DJ voice here. All right, let's get to the podcast questions here before I get on my, what I like to consider my private jet. I'm actually flying US Air, and for those of you who don't travel, US Air is the Danny Baldwin of Airlines. You know what I mean? It's a reputable airline, but it just doesn't really, doesn't get a lot of big parts. You know what I mean? It was good in Tree's lounge, but US Air is just one of those like, you know, like, remember that sitcom like Caroline in the City where it was just one of those shows that was just on for like fucking eight years,

and you had no idea why, and you forget that it existed, and then every once in a while you'd be home on a Friday night, going to a breakup or something, and all of a sudden you'd click through, and there would be Caroline in the City, and you just think like, really? They're still making these things? That's what US Airways is. I thought US Airways like, you know, I just thought that they were tired. You know what I mean? Like they were in the Poconos, or whatever, what the fuck is that? What's that circuit that all those Jewish comments used to play in upstate New York? You know what I'm talking about? Or is it in Pennsylvania? I never did the Borsch Belt. I thought US Airways was like hanging out with TWA and Eastern Airlines.

Are you guys old like me? Do you remember Eastern Airlines? Back when airlines had specific routes, they had dominance, and this is pre-before they broke up the monopoly or what they considered to be a monopoly, was back in the day they used to have, they used to just like, if you were living on the East Coast and you were going to Disneyland, or Disney World, I guess that's the one in Florida, your only option was Eastern Airlines, or you jumped in a station wagon with wood paneling. There was no internet. I think you could take a pistol on the plane too. You could just have it in your pocket, and as long as you didn't wave it around, no one gave a fuck. I mean, there were no metal detectors like

in the late 60s, if you can believe that. You could literally just walk right up to the ticketing agent with your briefcase. You know what I mean? Oh, those were the days. I missed out on them. You could bang the stewardesses. The stewardesses were actually hot. You could actually call them stewardesses. All right, there's a woman with her tank top on. I just caught her smelling her armpit, and then the inside of her white beater. And it's funny because she was standing behind me online, and I was like, I mean, she's just looking like the all-American girl, right? But she just has boots on, so she looks a little slutty. So it's like perfect. She'd be a great mom, and maybe she takes it in the age. Sorry, I usually don't go for those. You don't go for the blue humor, but

that just kind of ruined her formula on some level. Not really. You know what I mean? I'm just saying on a first date, one of those first imaginary dates that I'm having with her right now is I sit across from her. I didn't need to see that. You know what I mean? No, she's probably going to order the fucking lobster, and she's really going to piss me off. Anyways, I was actually talking about something interesting there. Oh yeah, back in the day, yeah, you could bang the stewardesses. You could call them stewardesses. You could probably even call them tuts. Hey, tuts. You know, drinking was acceptable. You could fucking smoke cigarettes. I don't even smoke. There's just something funny about that. Everything seemed to be like a lounge

in the late 60s, early 70s. You know what I mean? It's goddamn free for all. It's pre-Herpes, pre-AIDS. That's how you need it. You needed a bottle of Jack and some penicillin, and in a briefcase, and you were good to go. I think I might have talked about this on a previous podcast, but back in the day, Pan Am Airlines. I feel like I'm talking about old rock groups. Grand Funk Railroad Airlines. Pan Am Airlines, back in the day when you flew first class into New York City, the MetLife building used to be called the Pan Am building. I think I know I already told this story, but just for people who are new, bear with me. You used to fly in first class. You'd landed JFK. You got off. You got on a helicopter,

and then you flew in the helicopter to the top of the Pan Am building in Manhattan, and then you got out like fucking James Bond. You took the elevator down, jumped in a cab, and you went back. You went to your hotel. Probably with at least one other stewardess. Those were the goddamn days. Those were the days. Those were the days. You know what I mean? Those big ass fucking cars, people used to drive to damn stamp. You know, I hope when they come in with hydrogen or whatever the new energy is, I hope they go back to big cars. Because if you're not polluting the environment, there's no reason not to have a trunk that you could put Billy Batson. You know what I'm saying? All right, that's my little fucking

editorial for the week. Let's get on to the podcast questions, shall we? All right, question number one. Bill, did you ever have any car trouble when you used to drive from gig to gig? Yeah, I did. I drove an 83 Ford Ranger, and it had over-eating issues. I learned a lot about how to fix cars back then, because I basically had a four-cylinder, no computer chip. Back in the day, you had to be a moron, not to know how to do basic stuff. And the engine was also, you know, was facing forward. It wasn't sitting sideways like some slut on a horse trying to pretend like she hasn't banged everybody on the prairie. It was faced front to back, so everything was really easy to get to. Even with the four-cylinder, there was enough room. Stributed cap was right there. I never

missed a gig, though. I never missed a gig, but I definitely had to drive with the heat on. Do you remember doing that? You drive it like 50 miles an hour, I had black vinyl seats. Picture that. There's a picture for you. A redhead wearing jeans, and I'm going to kill on stage shirt with black vinyl seats with my watching the needle go up. I'm sorry, I just got distracted, because there's some little baby with the creepiest looking stuffed little doll I've ever seen in my life. It looks like one of, ah, fuck, what is the name of that movie? It's a Sarah Jessica Parker movie where the kids' eyes were all wide. That's what the doll looks like. Why do I keep thinking that movie's called Gotcha? Not Gattica. Doesn't it begin with a G? The Gip. It's the something.

The job. Not the job. That was a Dennis Lear show. Ah, what the fuck is it? It's the something, and it begins with a G. All right, goddamn it. That would have been great if I just had that reference at the top of my head. I could just fucking blow that story, but I didn't. So anyways, you know what I actually did? That brought up a memory, too, of driving over to Dane Cook's house way back in the day with my drum kit in the back as he played guitar to go play some Green Day and something else. Who else was big back then? It was like 94. Who's the guy who's saying that song, ah, Pretty Fly for a White Guy? We didn't play that song, but it was another song. It was just a horrific set list, and we had a great time,

but I had to drive over to his house with the fucking heat on. And I was probably listening to Alice in Chain's Jarrah Fly. There you go. There's my pre-Kirk Cobain killing himself memory. That might have been post April 94. Who knows? All right. Somebody asked me another question. Was the Mike Verbiglia incident at the last O&A show the confirmation that comedians need to forever stay away from those events? What did you say to Mike when he called you about it? Was it confirmation? No, it was a confirmation because I was actually going to do that gig, but I couldn't get out of this other gig that I was doing in Denver, and it was a fucking nightmare.

No, I don't think it's confirmation. I think it's still a cool event, and I just think, you know, it's like life. Every once in a while, you're not paying attention, and now you hit a pole. Wow, I had a dream about that last night. I had a dream last night. I saw an old guy swerving a big old car and slamming to a telephone pole, and I kept driving. Wow, a lot of shit's reminding me of stuff on this podcast. It's really weird, very reflective. Okay, what did you say to Mike when he called you about it? First of all, Mike called me up, and the sound of his voice, he literally goes, did you hear what happened? I thought a comedian died. I thought somebody died the way he said it, and I was like, oh my god, who died, right?

And then he started telling me the story, and I just laughed, and I was like, dude, it doesn't even count. Getting booed on a show like that is like getting the standing ovation after a BET set. You know what I mean? It just happens to everybody, so it loses its value. I don't know, I thought it was, I still laughed. It's funny. What are you going to do? It's kind of a rite of passage now. It's like you can now go out and get the stand-up comedy forces, the special forces tattoo on your arm, all right? So no, I don't think so. I love Owen Ann, I love those guys, and I really like their fans and everything like that, but every once in a while it gets a little crazy, you know? Every once in a while, I have too much to drink, right?

It happens. No big deal. All right. Anyways, okay, and then his overrated, underrated, overrated Facebook, underrated MySpace podcast. Thank you very much. All right, next question. If you ever had a roommate, what's the most annoying thing that they ever did? I feel like Kobe Bryant right now, name and names here. Shaq did it. I lived with Robert Kelly, who had the CD out. Let me hype his product here before I talk about the annoying thing that he used to do. Robert Kelly has a new CD called Just The Tip. It's absolutely hilarious. I was listening to it the other night, and Son of a Bitch is a funny bastard, and if you want to buy it, you can actually click on his picture right on my page. Bald-headed dude with just the tip of

his head. You get it? Anyways, I lived with him, and he had this annoying habit of right before he went out to do shows. He would clean his ears, and somehow the cleaning of his ears was in the middle of his hole getting ready, and he would always forget to take his dirty, filthy Q-tips off of the sink. I think he did it on purpose after a while, and then I would walk in there and see Bobby Kelly's earwax. Wow, okay. Some girls just walk by. I swear to God, I saw her on Hollywood Boulevard. A tight-skinned black girl with the biggest ass I've ever seen in my life, wearing white sweatpants that say pink on the back. Her hair is a picture Halle Berry with like a partial mohawk in the back. It's bleach blonde, and then where it swoops up on the left

side is pink, and her semi-mullet in the back is also pink. Oh, and a dog is pink. Yes, it's the same person, and that's her sidekick, the big ass twins. Oh my God, I gotta take a picture of that. That's fucking hilarious. How often do you see the same freak, and they're both wearing pink? Wow, now kids are coming over to pet their dog. It was a white dog that they died pink, and she has earrings that are little stars. Everybody has a dream. Okay, you know what they look like extras in weird science. You know, if they did like the black version, which I swear to God, you could get made. It's weird science, except it's black. We love it. All right. Long rambling podcast question for you. Bill, you talk of seeing too much porn or whatever

fucked up videos on the internet, and how you feel your soul is pixelating away. I think this is unfortunately how I feel about stand-up as much as I love it. I don't know that it's, even matters if it's clean or dirty. It's like when you were saying in your blog about Seinfeld's comedy, how you don't think people realize that he's actually kind of angry because of the way he packages it. Dude, where you going with this? Comedy moves me and gets me in my soul, but it seems unavoidably cynical and negative in nature. You have to constantly prick and nag, scrutinize people's life. I should have had an editor on this one. I guess my question is, this is what I should have read. Can a comedian or even a comedy fan be happy? Does life as a comedian scar

you and make you formerly an okay, fundamentally an okay person fun? Okay. Basically, you're saying, are you an unhappy, negative douche? And that's what makes you a comic comedian, or are you a wide-eyed jackass? And then you become a comedian, and then that makes you a negative asshole. For me, it was a little bit of both. I had a lot of anger that I wasn't even aware of, and then I got into stand-up comedy, and I was a wide-eyed jackass. And eventually, I think, I don't know, my demons kind of caught up with me. You know what, this is how I look at it, because I don't think it's specifically just a stand-up thing. If you're fucking up your life and you're 20 years old, it's not that bad, because you haven't had time to veer too far off the road,

even if you did, you're only 20. So your other high school classmates, they're just finishing up their sophomore, beginning their junior year in college. So no matter what, they're not making six figures. They don't have a big house. They don't have kids. You don't feel like they're too far of a fine, and you feel like you can ride the ship. But when you get older, and you're still fucking up, that's when, you know, it's kind of like when they launch just like one of those probes to go to Mars. If they're off by literally a centimeter by the time it gets to Mars, you know what I'm saying? It's like 40 miles off track. I don't know the fucking numbers. I never looked it up. I don't watch Discovery Channel, but you know what I'm

saying? That's why I think as you get older, that kind of stuff happens. But also, yeah, there are a lot of people who are negative. I'm trying not to be that way. But you know, it's a battle. I haven't drank in fucking 11 days. And I can't say that I don't miss it. And but I also kind of miss it. Just certain, certain times I miss it. Now I'm starting to get the sweats. So let's fucking move on before I okay, let's get into the underrated overrated. This has been like a big, a big topic on the podcast. Everybody likes people like talking about shit that they think is that they love and nobody else loves. So they think it's underrated. And then people also like the overrated shit, like I just said, tropic thunder fucking overrated. All right,

I gotta watch my language. I'm now surrounded by people. All right, underrated, figuring things out for yourself. My friend installs home theater system and a lady paid him 50 bucks to come over and fix this high tech universal remote. It turns out the batteries were dead. So basically what he's saying is why don't you use your fucking brain, get down to one, let me curse again. All right, people being nice. This lady hitting my car in the parking lot and actually left the note. You know what, that's an old school classy thing to do. But you know what, when you leave the note, you're nervous, because you might, you might be leaving it on the car of the neck brace dude, who's just going to sue you for the hell of it. All right, I got to wrap this

podcast up. I'm getting surrounded by people and they're all looking at me like I'm a maniac. All right, more off overrated stuff. Starship troopers, Mitch Mitchell, drummer of the experience, for those of you who don't know. Overrated, every band that has come out in the new millennium, racing mufflers, that's hilarious. I don't get that because you go in two miles an hour in those things and it makes them sound like you go in 80 miles an hour, which really just, you know, kind of lets the audience know that the rabbit's already in the hat. Oh, it just sounds like it going fast, even when you're not going fast. Journey's new lead singer. Yeah, I heard that. Some karaoke guy, some, oh god, did you hear that baby? That's not sitting behind me

on the flight. Can we get a little chloroform rag over there, please? All right, overrated, Kim Kardashian. Oh, didn't somebody hear it? Last week, yeah, underrated. Black chicks. I didn't know they were underrated. I've always loved them. Am I the only guy watching track, track and field? What else? You know what seems to be getting everybody going apeshit up? I don't get this, the Jonas Brothers. Dude, the Jonas Brothers, man, that's part for the course. There's always going to be the in sync, the Keith Partridge. It's a market, you know what I mean? And I get it, they definitely suck in that type of thing, but I can't stand when people flip out about that stuff when they act like people who are 28 actually are listening to the Jonas Brothers.

It's a bunch of girls who like writing their names in glitter and drawing unicorns. They listen to them, okay? And I think the only guy who isn't poofing up his hair is the one that's going to be the breakout star and could possibly have a life past the age of 19. But those other two guys with the poofed up hair, you know, I don't know if it's because they're wearing tight jeans and they tuck their shirts in, but I'm telling you, they're going to have weight problems when they get older. You can see it. You can see the Krispy Kreme, you know, they're going to be doing those where are they now? And then they're going to come on screening and be like, oh my God, what happened to that guy? I can't believe how big his head is. All right. Where am I going?

Japanese baseball players. Oh, this is the guy writing back. Okay, here we go. Overrated. Dave Matthews Band's concerts. Wait, did I read this shit last week? No, I don't think I did. Dave Matthews Band's concert, which is a weird time to say that, because his saxophone player passed away. Just brutal. Because he died on an ATV accident. I actually want to buy a dirt bike too, so it kind of freaked me out. Oh, wait a minute. I swear to God, I read this last week. Overrated. Have you ever performed? Oh, here's a question. Have you ever performed anywhere in upstate New York? You're in New York City all the time, but I've never seen you play Albany. I've actually played Albany. I played it

on the Montreal Comedy Festival tour, and we played at the Egg, which is a theater up there. We played at the Egg, and it was cool. It's definitely cool. But I think I did some sort of club up there, but it was a long time ago. I got to tell you something. I've driven the 87 North out of New York so many times that I get sick to my stomach when I do it, and that's why I never play Syracuse or Albany or Poughkeepsie. My agent was telling me that I might be going there soon. I didn't mind Albany. I didn't love it. It seems like a lonely forgotten city, though. To be the capital city, it's kind of like Sacramento and California. That's a weird thing with states like Illinois. Well, you'd think Chicago would be the capital, but it's Springfield,

Springfield, and then Michigan. What do you think it is? You think it's Detroit? It isn't a Hawaiian thing. You know, like Massachusetts is Boston. You know what it is? It just really shows you how a city used to be the place to be, and then another city just took it over. I bet Albany was unbelievable in 1840. You know what I mean? A bunch of chicks walking around twirling their umbrellas and stuff, but it's over. Same thing with Pennsylvania. There's another one. You think it would be Philadelphia or Pittsburgh? Harrisburg. You know, Maryland? It's not Baltimore. It's Annapolis. It's a weird thing. I'm showing you how much I've done the road that I actually know this shit. All right. There's a couple more questions here, but

I've got to get on my flight here, so I apologize for cutting this short. I'll read those other questions the next week. Once again, everybody, thank you for listening to my podcast. Please, please watch my special this week. Why do I do this? Comedy Center, 11 p.m. And I think that's it this week. I'll be at the Stress Factory in New Jersey, and after that, I will be at the, I'm doing UMass Amherst in Massachusetts, Amherst, Massachusetts with Charlie Murphy. The next weekend, I'm doing the Punchline in San Francisco. The weekend after that, I'm doing the Foneybone in Richmond, Virginia. So if you want to know, I got a new website coming out this week, hopefully. So I'll take one last look at the

oldbillbird.com, because a new one's coming. All right. And thanks to everybody who's been listening to these podcasts and sending them the questions. Everybody have a great week, and I'll talk to you next Monday. Thank you. Happy. Watch the finger. Wow. Thank you very much, New York City. We love y'all.