Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-25-22

Episode Date: August 25, 2022

Bill rambles about Toronto, diagonal walkers, and Taxi Driver.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? Hawaii. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting in the dock.

I'm sitting in the dock. I'm waiting to do a show in Toronto. I am at the whatever the fuck they call this place, the Scotia. Nice to know. Scotia Center, fucking Bell Pack, fucking Twitter, fucking Target Center Maple Leafs Building. It's my second night here and a friend of my drum teacher came in with some blue Vistalites early 70s. The event center was fucking empty and I came in and I got to tell you something, man.

Oh, fucking Billy Bonhamfoot is hanging around. Oh, Billy Triplets. Oh, fucking William Twinkle Toes. The muscle memory was still there. I mean, it sounds like shit. It sounds like, you know, a stand-up comedian who's also a dad who doesn't have time or any musical ability is playing him or the ability to say ability. Do you hear me get fucking stuck on that word, ability, which is weird because the middle

of that word is my name. You think I could say it? Anyway, so I sat down for like an hour and I just smashed the shit out of him. They sounded great. Thank you to Josh, Davey Litches' friend up here who brought in his own kid. Not only did he bring the kid in, he had a friend of his on the bass drumhead, the front bass drum there, had him put a BB on there instead of BR like Buddy Rich, which was cool. So I went up there and just fucking bashed for like an hour.

It was so much goddamn fun because usually I just sort of do, you know, one show and then leave, but this is, you know, an incredible turnout here in Toronto. So thank you to everybody. And you know what I like about the Maple Leafs? You know, they leave their banners up. So you get a really cool sense of where you're at. You know, you play the one in Montreal, they take away their fucking, all their banners because they're so fucking stuck up, right?

Like, oh, unless the, you know, AC, they're not going to fucking put them up there, right? Which I don't understand. Like I don't know why they would do that. It's like, well, part of the history of being in that building is seeing all of those fucking banners and whatever reason they take them down, unless you buy a ticket for Zéblonquet rules, Zébannas on Zee Raftes, whatever the fuck they're doing, sorry, that made me fucking my hacky French Canadian bullshit. Just maybe fucking cough.

But anyway, this is like my third trip to Canada this year. And I'm going to tell you something right now, I wouldn't say, I would say Jean-Bien, I don't know, Le Canada, I quite like Canada, Jean-Bien, Canada, Le Canada, oh Canada, I'm having a great time. Right? Calgary was great. Calgary, like Calgary is literally Massachusetts with, it's more like if Texas was Massachusetts and it was in Canada.

It's need or something, that's not even true. My whole view of Calgary is tainted because, meaning, meaning it's skewed, not talking about, you know, the porno taint, I mean tainted as in skewed. Because of the first time I was there with Verzi, Paul Verzi way back in the day. We went there and I don't know where we played, but these, it was the winter time and I think everybody was going nuts because they were like cooped up or whatever. These fucking people drank like I had never seen and I really have to think like the next two times I played Calgary, I was anticipating running into that because they were fucking

animals that first time I went out there. I mean, I just remember all I'm like, when I think of it, I just think of the venue and just hearing the sound of a beer bottle tipping over and then slowly rolling to the front of the stage. I heard that like nine times every show. I mean, they were fucking lit. And then the last two times I was there or whatever, it has been cool, but I've just been anticipating.

Especially last time I played like a fucking park in the afternoon on the first show. It was great and then we also, we were downtown that time and the downtown area was great. So I'm gradually shaking off my first experience in Calgary and none of it was that people were assholes. They were just fucking wasted. That's all I remember. So anyway, and then I did a trip to Montreal, which is always great, Montréal. And then I went to, now I'm in Toronto and I'm having a great fucking time.

I find a great place to get an espresso. I told you, my road breakfast, my road breakfast, I'd have a double espresso and then an orange after I go to the gym and it starts the day off, right? Um, anyway, so, so I'm up here with Steph Tolive who's fucking killing it and she's from Toronto and she took me down to, um, first of all, I went to the hockey hall of fame. It was right around the corner. It's the second time I've been there, um, and my big takeaway from that, other than

that hockey and golf have like some of the best trophies. I think hockey just overall, the trophies that they have are fucking incredible. Um, I think I might like, I like the heart trophy because I just remember Wayne Gretzky would win it every year and, uh, then, uh, and then also the, the con smith, I always thought was a cool one, which I didn't realize. I think this is a trophy con smith. It has the old like make belief gardens, you know, which is pretty cool stadium on top of it.

Um, but my big takeaway is I want to, uh, get some shit out of my living room, sell it or whatever. And then I'm going to buy, when my kids get a little bit older, we're going to play that standup hockey game. Fuck these tablets and all of that shit. I'm going to get that bar level one that you play. And here's another thing too was the kids were, kids were in there and they were playing like PlayStation PS4, PlayStation four.

Um, last time I had a PlayStation, it was like 20 years ago was PlayStation two and they were playing the NHL one was fucking unbelievable. I was sitting there going like, that's a video game. That looks like a movie. And I said to the kid playing, I go, can you fight somebody? And he's like, yeah, I said, all right. So he was playing the other team that was in the Maple Leafs and he lined up against Tavares and I guess I don't know, the computer wasn't trying.

He just kept fucking uppercutting the guy. And I was just like, dude, you're going to have to pay for that later on in this game. You know, you can't go after a goal scorer on a face off. He hasn't fucking done anything or whatever, whatever, had a good time watching them play. But I want to get one of those, um, that stand up game. I want to get rid of like, it's funny, it's the area of the living room where I was going to have a bar back in the day when I was a big booze hound. I was going to buy a, um, a, uh, an art deco like bar.

Um, I don't know, I was into booze, right? I was going to have some Humphrey Bogart level fucking bar over in the corner. And then I'm like, what am I doing? You got kids, it's over. It's not your time anymore. All right, just be your age. Don't go out and get a Brazilian butt lift or whatever the fuck these people my age are doing now, HGH and, you know, and take it before and after pictures in their fucking 50s.

What a bunch of fucking creeps. Dude, my generation really turned out to be a bunch of fucking creeps. You know, if you ever seen anybody age worse than fucking baby boomers and generation X with all of this fucking shit they're doing, Jesus Christ, be a fucking man. All right, there's nothing wrong with looking like an old C captain. These fucking assholes. And you know something, let me tell you what, they're all a bunch of fucking cheaters. All of these fucking assholes using all these fucking injections and all of that shit.

Dialing back the, whatever the fuck they're dialing back, you still look old as shit. Walking around looking like an old gorilla. Anyway, so Steph took me down to this area where it's just big, it's just like a big open market. And ended up getting a, what do they have? Was it the Godfather or a classic or something like that? It was sausage, eggplant, plant and peppers and the sandwich was so fucking big I only ate like half of it. But it's sort of a part of Toronto that I've never been to. There's sort of the business area or whatever.

And I will tell you this, man, they got a fucking junkie problem up here. You know what I mean? Like every city, you know, you got your fucking drug addicts or whatever. But like, this is like the only city I've been to in a minute where, you know, you're walking down the street. You're like, is that fucking guy coming at me? Am I nuts right now? Is that guy like, you know, and then you're looking sort of trying not to look at him, but also like, can that person even see me? I saw this guy come down with this fucking look of euphoria.

He must have just got a fix and his eyes were up and he was fucking smiling wildly. And you know the deal. You know the deal with junkies, right? You're just like, just please for the love of God, don't scratch me. Don't touch me. Don't nothing of you, of your atmosphere get on me, please. I swear to God, he came and he was like, you know, this fucking guy, I don't know.

He was like old school bald, you know, where he didn't shave the sides. He kept the hair. So he just had this landing strip. He looked like a fucking weatherman from the 1970s, just like tripping balls coming down the street. Little bit of red in his fucking stubble. I mean, this guy was, he was a fucking mess. And I was, I didn't know what to do. Like I was kind of like, you know what I mean?

You just sort of subtly as you're walking and you're waiting for, you know, any sort of quick movement to spring out of the way. You know, they got a lot of people talking to themselves. But it's mostly normal people. So that's the thing. Because there's just so, you know, 99% of people are just normal walking around. Very nice, very polite people. So, and then all of a sudden, like in the junkies are sort of hiding

like amongst them, like it's like they're coming out of a corn field, except the corn is people. You know what I mean? All of a sudden you're thinking you're just taking a stroll down the street. You're like, it's Canada, man. It's very nice. It's very quaint. It's a nice time of year to come up here. And then all of a sudden, just like out of nowhere, like a video game.

Junkie! Fuck! Happy junkie, happy junkie. Angry junkie. Talking to himself. Zigzagging. Diagonal Walker. Diagonal Walker.

Coming out of the crowd. Fingernails! You know, just that shit. We just like keep this the fuck away from me. You gotta figure they get a brand new batch every year with how cold it gets in the winter. There's no way these fucking one-shoed fucking junkies up here make it. Although they have like those underground tunnels up here. And I think they go underground, which is scarier because then you're kind of like in these hallways.

Where, you know, I always felt like, you know, if you're above ground, you know, worst case scenario, you can kind of lead the junkie into traffic. And you can let, you know, a hatchback do your dirty work for you. That way you don't have to like touch him, you know. What do you feel like crazy street person, like the way to go, it's definitely a front kick. You know what I mean? If any part of you is going to touch him, you want to be the bottom of your shoe. And I know this sounds like fucking Heartless or whatever, but you know, what are you supposed to do?

Like nobody, for some reason, there's no money to help out these people, which is really fucking stupid. The same way they don't help out veterans, the same way they don't help out with anybody, with any sort of fucking mental issues. Yeah, I don't know. Been reading all this conspiracy theory too about how, you know, with water and food, and how eventually, you know, for whatever reason, they're shutting down farms, you know, to just cause a scarcity in food. And it's just like, what in the fuck are these people doing?

And why do all regular people put up with it? I actually had like a fantasy of all of those sociopaths that sit around and think about doing shit like that, that like some group of people just comes in and just wax them all. I mean, the entire family, like they did in Russia, and then they find the bones fucking 100 years later, because you can't leave anybody alive in the family tree or else they come back for their vengeance, like in all those old Westerns and karate movies. Sorry, I had a lot of alone time. Anyway, but if you hear a weirdness in my voice right now, it's a relief

that the Fenway show is not something I now have to wonder how it's going to go, that it is now behind me, and I now get to look back and reflect on it and just think about how fucking absolutely incredible it was. I didn't even mention on the Monday morning podcast what a perfect summer night it was. I mean, it was absolutely, it was insane. It was insane. And it's just one of those things, as much as you try to take it in, you can't. And then afterwards you just think like, fuck, did I get everything out of that that I could have?

And it was just, I don't know, it was fucking unbelievable. I still can't believe that that happened. And anyway, so now like with that off the slate, sort of, I just feel like this lightness. And last night I had this amazing show here in Toronto, and I got another one tonight, and then I go to Pennsylvania, and then I go to Buffalo. And then this weekend I finally do this Maryland gig that's been on the books since like the COVID days. It's pretty awesome.

And then I've said no to everything. Anybody asked me to do anything? I just keep saying no, I just keep saying no, I just keep saying no, because I'm going to be old fucking Billy football hanging out with the kids. Maybe that's what I'll do. Maybe that's my goal in the fall is I'm going to hang out with the kids. I'm going to buy that fucking hockey game and get rid of those stupid, I was going to say bookshelves.

It is stupid for a guy like me to have bookshelves because I don't fucking read. I try to read, you know, whatever. Go fuck yourself. Okay, I'm doing the best I can. So I want to get that hockey game, and it's just my son's a little bit too little, but my daughter would be fine on it. But I just feel like my son will be watching us playing, and then he would want to, I don't know, that gives a shit, I'm going to get it.

I'm going to get it. Oh, it's going to be a good time. And then we'll have like epic fucking tournaments. And my kids will learn about, you know, winning and losing, you know, and yeah, it's going to be fun because my daughter does not like to lose. Like when we play shoots and ladders, she really gets upset, you know, you know what's a motherfucker on shoots and ladders is that fourth row where they have the back to back slides on like, I think it's numbers like 45 and 47 or 46 and 48.

You just can't get by those fucking things. It takes you at least three tries. You know, we just like, whatever I do, don't spend a one or a three, three, fuck. And then you go back down again. And then whenever I go up the big ladder, right, uh, ladders and snakes, as they call it down in Australia, for some reason, they went shoots up here because we're like too religious.

All the Aussies think it was because we're too afraid of snakes, which is fucking hilarious. Afraid of snakes. You know what, you were fucking Americans. We're out of our minds. We've dropped two nuclear weapons on human beings. I think we give a shit about reptiles. We turned our own food supply into poison and fed it to our own people. We don't give a fuck about snakes.

It, but religion, that's where it is. Oh, the fucking snake had told fucking Eve to go eat the goddamn apple and whatever the fuck that is. That's why not cause we're fucking upset about snakes. Anyway, anytime I go up the big ladder, I'm like, oh, I don't know what to do. Anytime I go up that big fucking ladder, I swear to God, I have like a 70% chance that my next spin, I'm going down the fucking slide. It's annoying.

So anyway, let's do some reads here. Let's do some reads here. By the way, the fucking Toronto Blue Jays are only like eight games out. I mean, they can't beat the Yankees, but this is kind of fun thing to watch. Consider my Red Sox are just out of it at this point. I can just kind of sit back and watch everybody else freaking out and dying a thousand deaths, you know, as you watch your team limping towards the playoffs, hitting and missing towards the playoffs, whatever, whatever your team is doing.

All right, let's do some reads here. What do we got? We got one here, one read, one read or another. What song is that? I'm going to, I'm going to get you. Who is that? Was that Pat Bennett? All right.

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plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and enter the code BRR. So when I was up here in Toronto, up meaning North, I actually, I went on Netflix and I started to watch Taxi Driver. And it's been taking me like two days to get through the movie because I've now become fascinated with every location.

Because it's actually the New York that I first saw it. Like the first time I went to New York was in the early 70s, if you can believe it. My parents had, my dad had some sort of business or something and we went down there. I mean, the World Trade Center was probably just finished. I want to say it was like 1973, maybe. I was like, you know, four or five years old. Four or five years old and I came down here and it was all the big cars, the old school taxi cabs and I was just thinking, you know, that's like, you know,

Jimmy Coon and Mickey Featherstone were running wild in Hell's Kitchen and the five families were dealing with these upstarts. I mean, all of that was like starting to happen. And I think Mickey Spelane at that point, I think, and I think he got whacked. I can't remember, but John Gotti was on his way up. George Steinbrenner had just bought the Yankees and they were going to redo Yankee Stadium and the New York Yankees were going to play in Shea Stadium for two years. That's when they took that iconic, really sad photo of, I always thought, of Joe DiMaggio

standing in Yankee Stadium and behind it. They were remodeling it. And it was just really like the end of an era. Joe Namath, at that point, might have been on the Rams or on his way to the Rams. I can't remember. But he's definitely, you know, had, it was a couple of knee operations in. The Big Bad Bruins were the Big Bad Bruins. The Flyers were coming.

So fucking nuts to think about all of that. And Brad Park had a rivalry with Bobby York. That's the New York I was in. It was right around the time when Zeppelin played the song remains the same. I actually went to fucking New York. So I ended up finding this, you know, incredible, and probably Martin Scorsese was probably just shooting Main Streets right around, right around that time. And I was actually fucking there, if you can believe it.

So that's not why if you guys could believe it, but why would you believe it? For me, it was nuts. I just wish I could remember some, you know, it. So I only have like a few little snapshot memories of it. So what was my point here? Oh, my point was I ended up, you know, through looking at the locations of the taxi driver. One of the things that he shows is this was this classic bar called the terminal bar, which was across the street from the Port Authority.

And it was known as the toughest bar in New York City. Had a bunch of lunatic Irish guys in there, like fights all the time. And then over time, it gradually became a gay bar, particularly with black men. And this bartender worked there for 10 years. And he just took these amazing close up photos, black and white photos of all the regulars. And the bar ended up closing in 1982. And the bartender is like nephew or something. Thought the photos were fascinating.

And he interviewed the guy. And it's such an amazing 22 minute documentary. Just look up document terminal bar documentary. I think that's I forget the name of it. It's probably just called the terminal bar. I can't remember, but I watched this documentary and what's really amazing, especially if you're an aspiring filmmaker and you don't have a lot of money. If you see what they do with just music and movement of the camera and those photos

in one interview, what they make, it means it's a masterpiece, 22 minutes. It's absolutely incredible. And then also it gives you a glimpse into where New York was. Like, here's another thing, too. I was in New York when fucking David Berkowitz was still walking around. How nuts is that? You start to think of some of that shit, you know? How crazy that was.

John Levin, Lenin was still alive. It was a fucking like that part of New York, you know? And also if I think of the music, like probably CBGBs was just taken off. Like all of that crazy shit was going on. And I was somehow in that city when all of that shit was happening. I just think that that's amazing. And it's sort of my favorite time of New York. Of New York City to me is the 1970s.

Even though, you know, the city was going bankrupt and all of that type. There was something about it in the movies and shit that they made back then that I loved. But you should check out this documentary. Just look up the terminal bar documentary. It's only like 20, 25 minutes long. But if you just want to catch a glimpse of what New York was like back then, or like I said, if you're a aspiring filmmaker, you should definitely check it out.

So with that, that is the podcast. I'm looking forward to tonight's show and Reading Pennsylvania, going to Buffalo. Haven't been there in forever. That's such a great fucking town. And then they're going to be happy. I'm going to go to Buffalo and they're going to be happy. They're going to be excited because they got Josh Allen in the Buffalo bills

coming back to finish what the fuck they didn't get done. But, you know, they did great last year. Like that's sort of obviously I'm rooting for the Pats, but I'll be honest with you, man, I would love that would be so fucking great for football, for those fans and all of that shit. Because it makes no fucking sense. It makes no sense that Buffalo has a professional sports franchise. It just doesn't.

That's what I love about it. You know, there was all of these places that like, you know, like Rochester and all of these places in Syracuse all had professional teams. And eventually all of these fucking greedy cunts left all of these great cities and they moved these sports teams out of there. And they just went to the so-called major cities. So even like, let's see, the Buffalo had, they had a basketball team at one point. Maybe it was the Rochester Royals.

I can't remember. Did they not play in Buffalo? I thought for some reason, was it Bob McAdoo or one of those fucking great centers from back then played there. But I just think it's so fucking cool that they've been able to survive. It's also talks, it's a tip of the cap to the NFL with Rev, like how they do it with the parody and the revenue sharing and all that. You know, and I love Buffalo Bill Stadium.

You know, I hate all these fucking new ones with the sushi bars and some douche behind glass cutting up steaks and stuff. It's fucking ridiculous. Like I love those old stadiums. So I am actually, you know, no Bill's fan would believe it because they fucking hate the Patriots fans because they, they forget that Jim Kelly and those guys used to kick our ass for like 10 fucking years. And then, you know, well, granted, we came back and beat you for like 20 straight years.

Whatever, but it's over. It's over now. Now it's your time. So it's going to be fun to go to Buffalo and see them excited about the new season. And I love their quarterback and their coach, you know, not because he looks like me, but I just think they're doing a great thing out there. So I'm very happy for them, which will probably annoy the shit out of them. But I am.

All right. That's it. That is the podcast. Enjoy the music from the great Andrew Thamelis and, you know, and then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. So once again, I'll probably sign off every podcast for the next six months. Thank you again like this. Thank you again to everybody that came on to Fenway Park.

I still can't fucking believe that that happened. That was awesome. All right. I'll see. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 25th, 2014. How's it going?

How are you? What's up? Um, right off the bat, I got to apologize to the members of the band Chicago because last week, I actually credited the doobie brothers with that wonderful hit. Say in the park, right? So my apologies. I've always confused those two bands. There was always something about Chicago.

They were amazing musicians, but there was just something fucking. I don't know what it was depressing about their sound to me. And then after those, uh, with Terry, Kat years, then it was the Peter Seterra years and then it just kind of went all like, you know, really high pitchy. I'm trying to think the song. I just remember Stay The Night. I liked that video on MTV. And then there was some, oh wait, how the fuck did that one go?

It's something hard as skin getting used to. Ah, shit. I don't fucking remember. I don't know why. Oh, you know, I bought that stupid, easy listening rock shit. So all that crap is in my fucking head now. I woke up this morning, boo, boo, boo, boo. And all I hear in my head is just fucking like, yeah, and something about this boat that sunk.

They went out on the lake and they were delivering Oreos and then there was a big fucking wave. Mark Wahlberg went into the water, George Clooney stayed in the fucking boat. Why does every fucking song about the sea have to be in three, four time? Is that one, three, four? I don't know what the fuck it is. That shit, they just make you feel like you're rocking. You know, sometimes the sea is nice and smooth. Okay, Billy Joel and all your other fucking cunts out there, you have,

you never been on a boat and the water looked like glass. That's four, four time. We got to sit there rocking back and forth, getting seasick in the crowd, because you're up there talking about a goddamn seagull. As you finish off another jack and coke. Even just one other reason why Jaws was so amazing was, you know, you had the actor playing Quint, his old salty dog, right? And even then, what are they saying?

They sang a drinking song. Tired and I want to go to bed. Yeah, regular calming time. Now, shouldn't you have been out there going, show me the way to go home on a fucking shut up. With your fucking peg leg. She go get a prosthetic. Why don't you come ashore?

Who is she, captain? Who are you running from? You going to stay out at sea for the rest of your life jerking off the mermaids? Are you going to come ashore and try and catch another bus? It's okay. God, come here. You can cry it out. You can put your one patch on my shoulder.

I was just going to ask a fucked up question. You know, if you lose an eye when you cried at tears, still come out of both eyes? Is the tear duct isn't exactly the eyeball, is it? Hi, do you know me? I never took a science class in my life or an anatomy class. They didn't have that shit when I was... Well, they had some of the science classes and I fucking steered clear of them.

Okay. Once you will pass junior high and you didn't get to turn on a Bunsen burner. You know, that was the only fun thing. I remember taking one class and next thing you know, I'm fucking doing like open heart surgery on a dead frog and it's just like, I don't want to do this. This frog had to die so I could hack it up. This fucking dog, this frog was having a great god damn time.

Right? Hopping around the Christmas tree. Yeah, but open heart bubble, right? Jumping around the fucking swamp, eating flies. You know, that's what it likes to do. That's like Fritos for a fucking amphibian. Having a great fucking time and then some douche comes along. I don't even know how they killed the thing.

You know, they can't like fracture its little frog skull because I got a, you know, what do you call that? When you cut open something that's dead. Grave rubber, necrophilia. No, that's not it. That's not it. Yeah, autopsy. Like I'm on law and order.

I don't know. Probably shot it with like a poisonous dart. You ever really look into the eyes of a frog? You ever look at the fucking, the way it holds its mouth? You know, it's just like that fucking dude just, he's trying to blend in. He's not hurting anybody. He's not the quarterback.

He's not the burnout. He's just filler in the class photo. Can't you let him be? So next thing you know, they fucking whack him and then here I am trying to cut this thing open. I fucked the whole thing up and I got a D minus on it. You know, I should have honored that frog and at least gotten an A taken out.

It's fucking liver. Anyways, what have I been doing? I had a wonderful week. I want to thank everybody who came out to the oddball tour. 15,000 strong coming out to the, to Jones Beach, whatever the fuck they call the, that amazing arena out there. I'm not going to call it by the stupid best buy, whatever fucking name they give it.

But I don't know, man, it was, you know what's funny is I haven't done one of those shows in a long time, in a long time. And I always go back to the virus tour in my head. I always think I don't like doing shows at night outside with tens of thousands of fucking people here because they act like, you know, they act like animals. And which really wasn't the case on the virus tour.

They just acted like animals on the last two dates that I did. And the second show was imitating the first show. So it was really just the one show. But what it was on the virus tour was you knew that show was coming. You just didn't know when. It's like when you're creeping through a fucking house and there's an axe murderer, you don't know what room he's in, but you know, he's in the house.

And at some point somebody's going to try to swing an axe at your head. That was basically the virus tour. And so I think whenever I go to do those, I kind of have like my fucking comedy Vietnam flashback. And I don't know. And I went out there and I was pleasantly surprised. The crowd was unbelievable. Like 15,000 people and you could take them wherever you wanted to go.

I actually brought them down at one point. I brought them down, you know, like a song. For the little breakdown, the Bob Sieger part, where he fucking sings about how many years went by. All right, 20 years. Where'd it go? 20 years. I don't know.

Where'd they go? Yeah, you do, Bob. They went up your nose. You're out there having a fucking orgy. Yeah, the decades kind of fly by when you live in the rock style lifestyle. Can you stop bringing us down? You're supposed to be up there acting like you're having the time of your life, remembering everything.

Don't fucking come down to my level in the crowd and tell me that you're also wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life. You know what that says to me, Bob? There's no hope. Anyways, so I was on arguably one of the best fucking lineups I've ever been on, at least since I did the virus tours back in the day. You guys want to compare? You want to compare stand up lineups?

Let's start a fucking internet lineup. I mean, argument here with the lineups of both shows. This is like arguing Super Bowl teams. Who'd you rather have to? Would you rather have the 85 beers? The fucking 79 Steelers? Or any team with Tom Brady on it. I just fucking threw that out there

because so many people fucking hate him. His cleft chin. Tom Brady has an ass on his chin. And he fucks his kitty chick from Brazil. I'm sorry. You know what's great about three, four time? I want to stay where you write it because anything sounds important.

I scratched my balls and I brushed my damn teeth. Over easy. All right, so let's compare lineups. All right, so back in the day. All right, that virus tour. The Philly show as much as I can remember of it, which was a long time ago, which by the way, there's been more goddamn horseshit

written about that show. Some fucking guy wrote this all this fucking bullshit about what happened that night when I got booed. And I actually tweeted back to him the correct story. And then he just retweets it. Like nothing means anything to anybody. No, oh, hey, sorry. I got it wrong.

This dude tried to say that Bobby Kelly got booed before me. Dom got booed before me. And then I was standing backstage with Opie and Anthony. And I said, they ain't doing that to me. Like I'm fucking Popeye. I had my needle spinach here. Everything comes back to the sea. Popeye, the sailor man, the fucking sailor.

There's another dude fucking a skinny bitch. All right. What's with these heroes? They don't like hips. You don't like some thighs there, little thoroughbred prancing down the fucking road. Yeah, that didn't happen. Bobby had a great set that night.

Dom, they booed for like 30 seconds. And he just he told him to shut up. And he goes, why would you think I would ever leave? And I was sitting backstage going, I don't want to fucking do this. Nervous as hell. And then I went out there and I opened with a bad cell phone joke. And then they started booing me.

And then what happened? That's what happened. And then Jim Norton went out after me and never addressed it and fucking killed. That is what happened. That is what happened. The first guy got booed. It's seven o'clock.

And then everybody else had good sets. And then I got booed. Like three hours later. All right, that's what happened. That is what happened. Okay, for the final fucking time. That is what happened. I can't stand you anymore.

I hurt me, T. No, it was realized backstage. I don't want to do this, man. I didn't need to be here. I was like that dude in platoon. I got a bad feeling about this one, man. So there you go. All right.

So the lineup that night. I will not name the other person who got booed. Because I'm a fucking class act over here with my cute little button nose. It was, let me see if I can remember. Tracy Morgan. Bob Saget. Ralphie May.

Bobby Kelly. Dom Ira. Patrice O'Neill. Myself Jim Norton. That's who I remember was on that show. What a fucking lineup that is, huh? Patrice, the greatest comic of my generation, as far as I'm concerned.

I mean, that's just, that's fucking murderers' row right there. And I came out like Neil O'Donnell. Neil O'Donnell. Oh shit. All right. And then last week, last weekend, I went on a show and we had, uh, let's see here. Sarah Silverman.

Hannibal Burris. Louis CK. David Tell. Myself. Jeff Ross. Chris Hardwick. And, uh, who else was on that show? Oh, some younger comic and I fucked up.

What the fuck's his name? The young, the youngster there. And the youngster there, the rookie, the young fella there, right? Who do you like? Who do you like better? That was a fucking both shows. You know what I mean?

Come on. Those are two of the sickest shows I've ever been on. So anyways, I went out there, um, and it was unreal. And of course, like a fucking asshole, I didn't get a picture with anybody backstage. What an asshole. At one point, I'm talking to Louis and Dave, like two of my biggest standup heroes,

and I got a fucking iPhone on me. And I never thought to be like, hey, let's get a picture. I never thought to do that. Now I don't know all these, these next weekend, I'm doing more of them. To pay for the fucking money pit. I don't want to get into that.

I'm not even going to get into that because there's no comedy left in this fucking project. Jesus. I'm just, when the job is done, I'm going to go downstairs and I'm not going to have any money to refurnish it. And I'm just going to stand down there. And in the echo, I'm just going to start weeping.

I'm never again, never again. I understand why nobody did shit to this fucking house because to try to fix it is ridiculously expensive. And I am, I am, I am fucking down with it. So anyways, I went out there. I had a great time. I was trying out new material and it was such a cool. I didn't even realize how cool the venue was

until somebody took a picture from the upper deck, the upper deck, a fucking comedy show, how that venue, I'll actually, I'll tweet it out on the Monday morning podcast, Twitter handle there, whatever the fuck you could say, at the MM podcast. Join our Twitter following. We're already up to 10,000 followers. You know, 10,000 more.

We can start a church. You guys will start calling me father. Right. I'll grow a long white beard and I'll start banging everybody who fucking, you know, everybody who's there. That's what you do when you can't, when you can't play an instrument, when you can't tell jokes and you still want to fuck everything that's moved. So your only other option is, other than hookers, is you, you have to start a religion.

That's basically what you do and you tell people what they want to hear and you bring them in and you tell them that there's this higher thing and it cares about them. It's going to help them and, but I'm the direct root to it. You talk to me and I'll talk to it and I know it, it loves me and it, whatever I say, it's going to listen to and I'm kind of it. You know what I mean? I'm kind of it, but it's it, but I'm kind of that thing.

And next thing you know, I'm it, I'm the guy, I'm Jesus. I'm the father, the son, I'm the fucking Alpha and the Omega. I'm the fucking Foxtrot and the fucking X-ray. Right. Next thing you know, you're blowing Jesus. Um, all right. So, so we went ahead and we did the, uh, we do the gig. And, uh, I flew into New York Friday for the gig, six AM flight,

and then I flew back eight AM Saturday. I like, I landed at like three o'clock, jumped in a cab, traffic all the way in to lower Manhattan. Soho dropped my bags, jumped in the shower, got ready, ran downstairs, got in the van, went out, did the gig, came back, smoked a cigar, Verzi stayed out till four in the morning, went right to the fucking airport. And that was, that was it. I was right in and out.

I gotta tell you, I had two of the greatest fucking transcontinental flights I ever had. I go to the airport, right? And I'm sitting there like a fucking zombie, right? And there's a guy sitting like two seats over. He's sitting there like, you know, those people, they don't sit on their ass. They kind of sit on their lower back and then the back of their neck is at the top of the chair. He was sitting there and his shirt was up and he was showing his middrift for whatever fucking reason.

So I want to take a picture of this guy subtly, you know, not show his head, just so it was all over. He's sitting there, this fucking legs at a 45 degree angle. And I want to, you know, it's going to text one of my hashtag animal photos, right? And of course, right as I get the phone out, he drops his shirt down. I'm like, God damn it. You know, and I'm hating life. I'm tired of shit.

And all of a sudden the lady at the desk just goes, Mr. William Barrett, could you please approach the fucking desk here, please? So I got a shit. What are they going to say? They gave my fucking seat away and now I'm sitting on the toilet in the back and I walked up and they, they bumped me up to first class, first folk in clay ish. So I get on the plane and it's those first class seats that are a diagonal that fold all the way down into a bed.

So the second way airborne, I fold this thing down into the bed or unfolded, I should say, put on my little sleep mask and then I'm going to put on my little sleep mask. And just fucking pass out. I wake up three and a half hours later, put the thing back up. I ask if there's any breakfast left. They say, yes, there is. I got some yogurt granola and a fucking egg and spinach quiche, whatever the fuck it is. It was delicious.

And then I watched Mike Tyson's one man show and the second it ended, we fucking landed. It was perfect. By the way, Mike Tyson's one man show. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's, I don't know, it's Mike Tyson telling his story. And what I loved about it was there was times you love the guy, times you were like, I don't know about this guy, times you felt he was being sincere and then other times you're like this guy's, you know, as he says, he was a hustler and I'm just sitting there going,

is he doing that right now to me? And in the end, you know, you don't know. It was, I don't know, it was just a really, first of all, what killed me, I think Mitch Green or whatever the fuck the name that back, maybe that guy he punched in the eye and closed his eye. He tells the whole fucking story and acts out the other guy wearing a Jerry Curl wig. And just sit down and watch it and tell me you don't see Charlie Murphy on the Chappelle show, you know, and Dave Chappelle doing the Rick Charlie Murphy talking about fighting Rick James.

I'm telling you this, his story could literally be the sequel. All I kept picturing was Dave Chappelle reenacting this fight, this epic fucking street fight that started in a store, ends up out in the street, fucking with the other dude on top of Tyson's car and Tyson just giving up boxing and I was just kicking the guy as they're both on the ground. And it was, it was unbelievable story and fucking hilarious. And I was sitting there going, why is this guy, there was a style with which that he tells that story that was very reminiscent of the way Charlie Murphy tells the story. Then I'm like, well, these guys are like within five years of each other.

And they both grew up in Brooklyn around the same time. And I don't know, it's one of my favorite things that I've seen in a while. Granted, I was laying in a bed in first class eating a spinach and egg quiche. You know, you know, Judah Freelander said to me one time, I watched some movie and I was like, you know, I got, you know, I was on the plane. You know what I watched? I watched whatever movie and it was a movie that got bad reviews. And I thought it was good.

I thought it was a good movie. And he just starts laughing. And I was like, what? He goes, Bill, every movie is a good movie when you're on an airplane. He's like, you're on an airplane. You fucking hate life. You put this thing on and it eats up an hour and a half of your life. I'm like, all right, fair enough, fair enough.

But I got to say this, this, the Tyson one man show, which was done on HBO shot by Spike Lee. You know what's funny about Spike Lee is how he always trashes Tarantino about, you know, the characters dropping the N words and that type of stuff. If you want to see something funny is how how Spike Lee views Italians. Like if Italians could be in blackface, like they should be in his movies. It's they always like, oh, what are you fucking doing over there? It's no God. They're always wearing tracksuits.

I'm fucking my balls away. It's ridiculous. I just watched Summer of Sam, which I really liked that movie, but I had to hit mute when they were fucking showing the Italians, when they were sitting down at that dead end street. It looked like a fucking bad musical from like 1953. So, you know, I think he I think he's got some work to do himself. Well, let me get some fucking spaghetti.

All right. Sorry. That's my little criticism. So, you know, you like, you know, there's nothing better than somebody who's never made a fucking movie himself, never written one or anything. Now I'm going to sit there criticizing one of the top directors out there. Right. But anyways, he directed that and I really enjoyed it.

So, check it out if you get a chance. Hey, you know, movie I wanted to see and I didn't get a chance to see anything. You know, I was going to fucking go see Planet of the Apes and root against the apes, as I was in the first one. I fucking hated, hated James Franco's character in that first one. I couldn't stand, like, I went and I saw it with Nia and we're sitting there. And once he gave that fucking, he gave that fucking ape like pants and sneakers and shit, you know, it was just like, dude, what the, what are you doing?

What the fuck? What are you doing? You're talking to an ape. Don't give it pants. All right. You can't have the thing fucking dressing as good as you are. Jesus Christ, didn't you learn anything from the British? How they built their empire?

Oh, that little shit ass fucking little island out there ran the fucking world. How did they do it? Divide and conquer. All right. You don't get to wear shoes. Anybody at this level gets shoes, but no pants. Then the very best of all of you who get to this level get shoes and pants. That's what they did.

And then the people with no shoes hated the people with shoes. People with shoes, you know, that's what you do. You don't go into your fucking closet. Hey, chimpanzee, go ahead, pick it, pick yourself out of suit. We're going out of the track like fucking Eric Roberts and Mickey Rourke and the fucking, I don't know, the king of Prince Street, whatever the fucking name that movie was. The fuck was the name of that movie? The Pope of Greenwich Village.

Everybody, you know, sometimes I watch a movie and I go for the ride. And there's other times like people just do shit that's just so fucking dumb. It's just like, I don't have any sympathy for you. You should get your face ripped off. Fucking sitting there, you know, you don't give a laptop to a monkey. What's wrong with you? Okay. Think of all the shit we've done to them.

You know, you can teach them how to drive a car. Like, how does that end well? Anyways, yeah, so I didn't see the second one. I'll go to the one where we fucking defeat them. You know, I'm a fair weather fan when it comes to those eight movies. When the humans win, I'll come back and I'll watch that one. You know, I'll come by for the playoffs. Anyway, so after we do the gig right out there at Jones Beach,

you know, I'm trying to get back to New York as quickly as I can so I can fucking go smoke this cigar with Verzi before I jump on a plane in like fucking three hours. So hard work had a car. So he goes, Hey man, he goes, I'm going to hang and watch the set. We can ride back to the city together. I'm like, perfect. So I go out, do my set, fucking unbelievable crowd. Had a great time.

It was like oddly like intimate. It felt like a small crowd. That crowd was so fucking amazing. And you know, thank Christ I didn't bomb. I had a great set. I got out of there, said goodbye, didn't take any pictures like an asshole. So I jump in the car with hardwick and they gave us a police escort. Swear to God, out of the venue and up to the highway.

But this is what's funny. The show is still going on. So there's completely no need for this. And we are basically driving through a full parking lot with nobody in our way with a police car with its lights flashing. And we sat there laughing going, are we wasting taxpayer money right now? And we're like, no, well, I mean, they were hired here anyway. So they were already hired for the event.

It's like, what about the gas and the cruiser? So there you go. I got my first police escort, you know, and there was nobody there to witness it other than me and hardwick and our driver. I swear to God, it happened. It happened. It took me 22 years in this business. And it finally happened.

Just imagine Beatlemania if nobody gave a fuck. That's basically what we were experiencing. We had the nice car. We had the police escort. And other than the screaming fans, you know, there was just sort of, yeah, there was a guardrail. That's all I saw looking out the window. Nobody saw it.

Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So then I get back to the city and I meet up with Verzi and another one of my buddies, Doug Sinye. I'll be naming names all over the place. Two buddies of mine from the standup world. And we go to this cigar bar and have the time of our life. And both of them are golfers and they heard what the fuck I said on my podcast or whatever. So we just start, we just start going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth,

arguing this golf point. And I think I can actually make my point a little, I guess, clearer. And it's basically why I consider golf and activity a difficult activity. Absolutely. Mentally taxing activity without a fucking doubt. I just feel like, you know, when you don't have to be any sort of cardio shape, like you can be in whatever shape you want to be and still win like a championship.

You could be a fat fuck. Okay. And I, what are you going to say? Oh, what about those offensive linemen? They're fat fucks. Fuck you. They can run a 440 or a five flat 40. Those are fucking athletes.

Okay. And they are that size like the way sumo wrestlers are because they have to be that size. Okay. They're told to get that fucking big. All right. Warren sap at his biggest weight could still fucking win dancing with the stars. Okay. You're talking an athlete here.

He's still light on his toes there. All right. I'm talking how you can just be a complete non athlete. You cannot even throw a fucking baseball and, but you can be good at golf. So or pool or bowling. I lump all of those together. They are, uh, they are activities with elements of sport.

It's like sport that you hit pause on because there's no defender. You know what I mean? And then people, you know, somebody just says, you know, you know, Voss was saying, you know, that's, he goes, dude, the other day I was out playing golf and I shot in the mid, I was shooting in the mid 80s and he got excited about shooting in the mid 80s. And he goes, next thing you know, I couldn't hit a shot.

He goes, there's no other game where that happens. It's like, yeah, it does. Not only does that happen in every other fucking game. He goes, well, you completely forget out of the play of the game. Yes, it does. That happens in every other sport and it happens in life. It happens in standup. There's been standup comics that have gone out to do a late night talk show,

got so fucking in their head, they forgot their act. It's called choking in the moment. You know, I don't know. I'd probably be a great golfer because I don't give a shit. I don't respect the fucking game. So I would never get in my head. Oh my God, I shot a 14. Who gives a fuck?

I'm not even keeping score. I think that that's the dumb thing. If you start keeping score, it's like you're playing cribbage out there. I just don't understand the whole fucking thing. I don't understand why people won't come to my way of thinking of it. Why don't you think my way? So anyway, we're arguing this fucking thing. And just having a great time and the night ends.

Verzi drives me down back down to the hotel. We get out. I get a bacon egg and cheese at like four in the morning. And then I walk into a Dunkin Donuts and get a chocolate glazed donuts. By the way, people, I'm off the rails here with the diet thing. And I'm starting to go back up again. So I decided this morning, I'm like, I just have to step outside because right now I got the crack in me.

I got the sugar salt thing. Look at that bacon egg and cheese salt through the fucking roof. Oh, I want to don't it. I don't want to don't it. Nobody ever wants a fucking donut unless there's salts through the fucking roof. And I shove that down my fucking pie hole like Homer Simpson. And then I go directly to bed. Horrific.

So that was the end of the night. Just had a great time and saw Verzi. Verzi's got a, he bought this, you know, Verzi's a sedan guy, right? Because I was trying to convince him. I was saying one of the coolest cars out there right now is the Mercedes Benz E63 AMG Formatic station wagon. And they made a station wagon that goes zero to 60 in like three and a half fucking seconds. To me, you know, I got this, like, I love, I love a fast car,

but I love a car that doesn't look fast. That is fast. The fucking sleeper, right? Did I talk about this last week? I can't remember. So I was trying to tell him why that car was the shit and how funny it is if he owned that fucking car. You know, if you're married with kids, you know, and you pull up next to some punk

and they see you there with your fucking station wagon, and then you blow them off the line, you know, groceries flying out the back end. I just think that's, you know, and I'm, I'm German, right? And that's the great thing about Germans. You know, is their fucking their ability with science is incredible. You know, they're not the best at getting along with people. Absolutely. Okay.

But who the fuck makes a station wagon that goes zero to 60 in like 3.8 seconds? The fucking Germans. You got to love it. You know, you get that you get yourself some strudel or a fucking Rubin there. I mean, what else do you need? Sorry. So anyways, um, he's got this four door sedan, man, and I'm telling you, it's a fucking badass car, but I kept, he's got it.

He's got to get some rims on it. You know, so I said to him, I was going to bring it up. All right, I'm going to get, I'm going to, this is what I'm going to try to use the power, what little power I have on this podcast to get Paul Verzi to get rid of his, his fucking, I'm a 55 year old awful, I'm a 55 year old man awful rims on his car. So if you have a rim shot, a rim, a rim shot, a rim shot, it's a drumming thing. If you have, if you have, if you own a store and you sell rims, okay. Can you hook my boy Verzi up?

If you hook them up. Okay. If you give them a sweetheart of a fucking deal. Okay. For some rims on his car, you can advertise for free for two weeks on the Monday morning podcast. How about that? Okay. I'm throwing it out there.

You got to hook up Paul. Dude, I called it. Don't say I'm from Jersey Verzi. Okay. Hook them up because I like his cars, but his rims annoy me and they're going to affect their fucking friendship. There, I said it. All right.

All right. Let's plow ahead here. Where are we in the podcast? 39 minutes. Oh Jesus. I think it's time for, I think it's time for some more letters. Why do you have a box of Kleenex next to your bed bill for when you jerk off? No, it's for when I cry myself to sleep.

All right. Let's get to the, let's get to the, the reads for the week. Once again, if you'd like to follow the podcast, everybody on Twitter, um, our handle is at the MM podcast. That is our Twitter, uh, following. We put all the links up to the videos. We put all the links up for, uh, whatever the hell I brought up this week. Oh, that picture of Jones beach.

We're going to have that up there. And, um, if you'd like to donate to the podcast while not, you know, but get something for your money, just go to billbird.com. Click on the podcast page. And next time you want to go to amazon.com, we have an Amazon banner. You just click on that thing, takes you right to the site. I get credit for driving traffic to their site. You don't have to pay any extra money.

If you buy something, you know, it comes my way. They kick me a little bit of something. All right. Um, and with that, let's, uh, let's get to the letters here. All right. Girl smokes a lot of weed. Hey, Cincinnati bow tie, Billy. I didn't know what that means.

I got to look that up. I've been with my girlfriend for two years and lived with her for about a year and a half. She has smoked weed since the day we met, which doesn't bother me because I used to smoke myself. What bothers me is how many times she smokes it in a given day. We will sometimes be hanging out watching TV and she will out of nowhere get up to grab her bowl to take a hit. I've even caught her getting out of bed in the middle of the night to take a hit.

I don't want to be a dick and tell her she can't smoke. After all, I used to smoke myself. Uh, she just looks like a drug feed. Always trying to get her fixed. I don't get why she has to be high 24 seven. I have a beer, one beer after work, maybe one to two days a week. And sometimes she will throw that in my face if I comment about her constant weed smoking, which isn't even close to the same thing.

I've always said this about weed smokers. I've always said that about them. Like the level that they get, they get fucking high at work. Not all of them. I'm just saying, you know, like they'll fucking go out. They'd be like if I went out in the parking lot and shot gun to beer and came in like with booze on my breath. And it is addictive.

Not to everybody, but you can become addicted. That sounds like she is addicted to this shit. Like she needs it to help her sleep. She needs it so she can fucking deal, man. Anyway, she goes, he goes, sometimes she'll throw that in my face if I comment about her constant weed smoking, which isn't even close to the same thing. She also complains that she is broke.

It has no problem spending $100 on a bag of weed, a bag of weed. What kills me is she will sometimes ask me to help or help her out with a bill or whatever. And I'm just like, what the fuck? How about you don't buy weed? Our relationship is great. This isn't a deal breaker or anything. It's just an annoyance.

Should I just deal with it or should I try to get her to chill out with weed? What would you do with the lovely Nia smoked weed all day? Thanks. Go fuck yourself. I would address it. I would definitely address it. Yeah, she has a problem with that shit. If you're waking up in the middle of the night and taking another hit, I mean, I always just equate it to drinking

because for some reason people can see alcoholism, but they can't see addiction with weed. If you were with somebody and in the middle of the night, they got up and poured themselves a belt or two, couple fingers of scotch and slammed it and then went back to sleep. Or right in the middle of a movie, they went over and just fucking shotgun to beer. Cause that's basically what they're doing.

It's not like they go out and make a drink and they're sipping it. They're not that, you know, they're getting high. They're not gradually getting drunk. It's like you do it, boom, you're high. And if she's doing it all the time and she doesn't have, she's not making any money and then she asking you to help her out. I mean, if what if you didn't have a job and you were drinking at the level that she was smoking and you were spending in a hundred bucks on beer every week

and sometimes, you know, you would ask her for help. What would she do? She would be upset. Now this is what I would do. I would bring it up with her. She's going to get mad and this is the thing. You cannot get mad too. If she yells and calls you names and everything, just do not get mad.

Just sit there and know that she is, you know, you're going to lose the fight. If you bring up her weed smoking and then she's like, you know, what the fuck you fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then if you, if you go to where the fuck she is there, you're going to lose because then it's become a name calling thing. And, you know, she has successfully gotten it out of the arena of what she's doing is fucked up. You just need to stay in the pocket and be like, listen, I don't mind that you smoke weed.

I drink beer. Okay. But you are smoking weed 24 seven. You're getting up in the middle of the night and you're smoking weed and I'm worried about you. And you're asking me on some time, you're blowing a hundred dollars a week on weed and you're asking me to help you out sometime. Okay. Now in all fairness, if I was blowing a hundred bucks on beer every week and I was,

you know, waking up in the middle of the night drinking a beer and they're going to pull at you. That isn't the same thing. Yes, it is. It is the same thing. You're altering your mental state with alcohol, but except you're using, you're using marijuana. All right.

And, uh, you know, I care about you and you're kind of going down. You know, it's basically it's your job. To keep your woman in line and it's her job to keep you in line. And that isn't some sexist shit by when I say keep you in line, which just means when they see you going out of bounds, they see you going up river a little bit like Colonel Kurtz. Shaving your head going the horror. As you sit there in the corner, fucking shotgun and a beer.

It's her job to be like, I think you're starting to, you're drinking is getting a little out of control. That's what you do when you love somebody. So just know that she might not be ready to hear that shit, but you know, she has to hear it from you. You're just trying to help her out. And if she flips out and calls you a bunch of names, just say, listen, let's, I've said what I had to say.

I'm more than willing to discuss this with you later when you've calmed down, but I'm not going to get into a name calling, uh, argument with you and you leave it at that. And then they have no fucking choice. They have no choice other than to just fucking chill at that point, or they continue calling your names, but after that they're going to, they're going to owe you an apology. All right.

And if they don't apologize and they can't admit that they're wrong, that's a whole other fucking red flag. You know, because I couldn't be in a fucking relationship with somebody who could, you know, if they fuck up, can't be like, all right, you know what, you will write on that one. You know, you got to have that. If you don't have that, I don't know what the fuck you got. So good luck with that, sir.

All right, next one, what the fuck to do? Sir Burr, love the show and listen weekly. Thanks for making my money's entertaining. Well, you're welcome. All right. I am 39 and separated with the child. And I started seeing a woman who was 43 divorced with her own child. But up, but up, but here's the story.

About two months into the relationship, we were getting serious and we started discussing a future together. However, our relationship started to erode about as quickly as it started. And we ended up breaking up after dating a total of six months. One of the reasons we ended things was that we didn't agree on wanting more kids. She wanted more, but I didn't. We ended on such a bad note that we agreed to not talk anymore. Okay.

At this point, I'm like, good. That was a very mature relationship. Early on, you said what you both wanted. You realized that you didn't. You wanted two different things and you walked. Got a little ugly there for a second, but who gives a fuck? Anyways, he goes as luck would have it. About two to three weeks after we broke up,

she called me to tell me she is pregnant. Oh my God. Wait a minute. She wanted more and I didn't. She pulled the goalie. Oh dude, you didn't want more kids. You didn't use a condom. Oh my God.

She goes, he goes, I did not know how it was possible. Okay, because we took precautions, but I guess I slipped up. I slipped one past the goalie. I was devastated and worried because not only do I not want more kids, my current financial situation would limit me greatly in my ability to take care of my child and another child. My question to you is what the fuck do I do? I would get a paternity test.

Definitely get a paternity test to make sure it's yours. Um, if you don't want to, I mean that's, and that's a prayer. I'm not saying anything bad about this woman, but just, you know, you got to throw the Hail Mary here and hope maybe you get lucky. Because my question to you is what the fuck do I do? She doesn't want to have an abortion and told me that we should get back together and have the baby. Is she lying? She said, if not, she would try to legally prevent me from having a part,

being part of the child's life. As I was writing this, she was about six weeks pregnant. So a lot of time, a lot of time to stress about it. Um, yeah, dude, fuck all of that. She's going to, I mean, wait a minute, let me just read the last paragraph of this. He goes, I'm not stupid enough to go to a comedian for advice. However, I do think you have an interesting perspective on life. And I'd love to hear your point of view.

This situation has since been resolved. See below to see how it turned out. But the, but answer the question before you see the result. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, I don't see the result here below. I'd love to know what happened. Jesus, now you're leaving me hanging and now all my listeners. All right, here's my thing.

If any woman said, you know, you got me pregnant and I didn't want to be with her. And she said, uh, if you, if you don't live with me and we have a relationship, you'll never see, uh, the kid. I would just be like, that's no way to go into a relationship. Okay. You want to find love. Okay. And the way to find true love is not to hold somebody hostage.

Okay. We made a mistake. Now we're going to be adults and we are going to raise this child in an unconventional way. Because we do not love each other. So it's not going to be fair to the kid if we're both together. It also will not be fair to the kid if you prevent the kid from seeing the mother, his mother or his father. Okay.

So we need to be adults and put this kid first and set aside our differences and be as mature about this as we possibly can. The next 18 years are critical in this kid's life and we need to suck it up. All right. So let's get on the same damn page here. All right. I mean, somewhere along the lines, I would say that, but I would definitely get a fucking paternity test.

Because you never know what somebody's doing. And, uh, you know, you kind of seem like dumbfounded that you actually got a pregnant. Who knows what happens. She seems like she wants more kids. She could be this desperate person that was, you know, I don't know what, but, uh, stranger things have happened. So I would definitely get a paternity test. And if she gets mad, fuck her, who gives a shit if she gets mad and be like,

listen, you know, you shouldn't say this, but in your head, you got to be thinking, this is somebody who's fucking crazy enough to basically threaten me into her life. If you're crazy enough to do that, you're crazy enough to say a kid that isn't mine is mine. Okay. She's not acting stable right now. So, I don't know, and that is healthy paranoia that is not, uh, you know, you know, if I ever said some shit like that on the view, you know, it kills me as they would just, they would tow the company line,

but I swear to God backstage, you know, bitches is crazy. Um, Phil Collins and Genesis. Um, oh, by the way, we're talking dramas here. I didn't realize this. I, um, I don't know, I don't know. I just got tickets to go see Primus, uh, band that I've always been meaning to see. And, uh, Tim Herb Alexander is back in the band and I love the way that that guy, I always loved the way that guy has played and, um, I got some tickets.

Me and roses, Joey roses are going. Joey roses, by the way, who has a new comedy CD coming out. I believe September 2nd. He's going to give me all the details, but, uh, um, go to Joe de Rosa comedy.com, I believe is his website. I don't know what his fucking website is. Why don't I do a bit of job promoting an old pals fucking website, but I actually have in the decency of looking it up here.

Sorry for the poor audio quality right now. All right, Joe de Rosa has a website. I don't know what it's fucking called. You call yourself. Yeah, Joe de Rosa comedy.com. All right, let's see what he's got here. He has some shoulders, but he lacks the meat between his neck and ball sockets. All right, where do we go here?

Why is my fucking internet so goddamn slow? Whatever it's Joe de Rosa comedy.com. He's got a new fucking comedy CD coming out. And, uh, god damn it. I stand behind it as does everybody else here in this podcast, which should basically be me. But anyways, so I didn't realize that Tim Alexander had a heart attack, but he's doing great and he's recovering well,

judging by the stuff that I've seen him post on his Twitter account and that type of thing. I'm really happy for him because he truly is one of the great drummers of the last 24 years. Jesus Christ, has it been that long since I've been listening to him? But so whatever, if this somehow gets to him happy to hear that you're doing well. And, uh, continued healthy lifestyle. All righty. Okay, um, Phil Collins and Genesis may have been done.

Oh, by the way, thank you to everybody that also donated to, uh, Benny Grebs, um, DVD. He's, he's up. He needs like, uh, he's raised 99% of the money. So that really means a lot to me. And, uh, it's going to help other drummers, which will help music, which will come back around. Even if you don't play drums, you get to listen to better drummers,

making better music. So, uh, I really appreciate everybody who, uh, donated. That was pretty awesome. All right. Okay. Last time starting this bill, Phil Collins and Genesis may have been done before, but Hey, Billy Bruford, you're a drummer. Stupid.

You must know him. I am. You'd have to insult me because you're, you felt insecure about your obscure reference. Um, all right. On last week's podcast, you brought up Mr. Phil Collins and Genesis. You absolutely nailed how incredible Phil is as a drummer. I am an early Genesis fanatic from trespass, nursery crime,

Foxtrot selling England by the pound. And the lamb lies down on Broadway and he has in parentheses. Dude, you know what's funny is I don't know anything about early Genesis. I just know Phil Collins is a fucking amazing drummer. I know that they were a, uh, a prog rock band and that Peter Gabriel, who later sung Sledgehammer gave himself a reverse mohawk at some point when he was in that band. Anyways, he says that dude, as you may guess, should be Boston, well Bostonian because it's the best album.

Oh, the lamb lies down on Broadway. Dude. That's what that's how that was supposed to be read. All right. Well, I'll check that one out. Anyways, he said, when Peter Gabriel left the band in 1975, these guys auditioned singers for months. No one could get it right.

So what did old Phil Collins do? He stepped out from behind the drum kit like a badass and took over the role as frontman and drummer. From there, they remained true to their roots for a while. I'd say at least three to four albums and until of course, as you pointed out, the cash cow came along and they climbed aboard the proverbial money train. But that should, but that should not discredit these guys. They have my ultimate respect. Yeah, it gives a fucking in the end.

You finally wanted to get paid and go out and get yourself a fucking station wagon that went zero to 60 and 3.5 seconds. I totally get that. You know, Phil Collins kept it real. He never got hair plugs or a toupee. He just held on to that landing strip forever. However, that's not to mention, however, that's not to mention brand X, which was Phil's jazz fusion side project.

That's where his drumming really flourished. The album product is a must. Dude, this is like some hardcore music geek shit and I'm loving every second of this. Phil always surrounded himself with brilliant drummers. Hey there, Cleo. Bill Bruford there and Chester Thompson of Zappa fame, not to mention that bitching Tarzan theme, right? No, Tarzan theme, Tarzan.

Sorry, I've been out here too long. Stick in Tarzana. Now, Thursday, August 21st, Genesis posted to their official Facebook page a new logo and a promise for exciting news. Some have speculated a possible reunion with the 71 to 75 lineup, including Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett, which I would come buckets for. Jesus Christ, dude. I don't need that visual.

He said, I am a musician, Bill, and I love when you bring up your drumming. You bring your drumming up and music in general. Keep it up. And the Mike and the Mechanics name. Mike and the Mechanics dude's name is Mike Rutherford. How British can you get cozy smug cunt? I am. Yeah, I love all that type of shit.

Do you know I'm going to do another one of those goddamn comedy jams? I can't figure out what song I'm going to do. But some of the songs I've been messing with have double bass in them. And that's something that when it comes to double bass drumming, I am. I am a snob when it comes to it. I'm actually a cunt when it comes to double bass drumming, because I can't do it on any level, but I have some hardcore opinions about it. I don't like when somebody uses it to enhance all their fucking fills around the kit,

just running underneath or just doing the quad thing or whatever. That always annoyed me because it makes you sound, you're doing these bottom quads, but I don't know, you're kind of cheating. But however, if you get somebody who actually utilizes it to enhance a groove or even a fill, like I would say Tim Alexander, like some of the drumming that that guy's recorded is just, it's astounding. Like I kind of got into this thing where I felt guys who played single bass drum could play a better groove than somebody that played double bass because they,

I'm trying to, how do I, you just had this extra, it's like you had this howitzer underneath you, and they just couldn't resist jumping on those fucking things every chance they had to do some insane sounding fill. And I always felt like the guys, I just felt like the guys that had the least amount of shit played the best, like a Steve Jordan, you know, played a little four-piece kit. I mean, that guy could literally, you could just give him a hi-hat, a ride symbol, bass drum and snare, like a quest love, same thing. And that guy could get more goddamn music out of it than some guy that has like a 50-piece set.

Like I kind of went into that and then, which was, there was an element of truth to it, but it was, it was an arrogant mindset. It would be the same thing as it would be like a clean comic is better than a dirty comic and you're not listening to what they're saying. So I've actually come around now and there's a bunch of players that I like, but it's, but like if there's no groove, I can't get into it. If you just fucking playing like a zillion miles an hour, like I gotta admit, like those, those blast beats and that type of thing, that's fucking insane that somebody can do that.

But after a while, it's just played so fucking fast. It all sounds the same. Maybe I need to listen to more of it to be able to hear it. But my favorite part in death metal is when the singer for like half a second, you actually hear what his singing voice really sounds like before he goes back to that type of shit. So anyways, so I've been, I'm fucking around with some, some of that double bass shit. I'm not, I'm not going to say what it is because, you know, the reveal, I guess,

I wasn't supposed to say that I was going to dress up like Tommy Lee last week. Did I talk about that? By the way, we fucking, we smashed it, man. We got off to a little rough start. I always fuck up the beginning. But I was psyched because I fucked it up in that I didn't stop when I was supposed to then restart, but I just kind of kept going. And if you didn't know the song, you wouldn't notice that we fucked up.

So I felt good about that. And, and, you know, once again, it took us a second, then we got on track. It's just kind of hard to come walking out and be doing standup and then finish that and then walk behind the kit and then count off a band and not fucking up. It might, at my drumming level, it's a very difficult thing to do. Hang on a second. I've been given a note here. Need to get my stuff.

Okay. All right. I'll see you anyways. So let's, let's, let's plow ahead here. All right. Girl Stalker. Hi, Mr. Bill. I'm from the Czech Republic.

Well, how are you? How's it going? Do you ever go up to Hungary and get some of that fucking Art Deco furniture that they send over here? What is it from Budapest? You know, charge us a fucking zillion dollars for it. Anyways, he goes, I listen to the Monday morning podcasts like every single week and I love what you're doing.

Well, thank you. He goes, I know you don't owe me anything, but I really need some advice right now. Yes, I do owe you because you're walking around the Czech Republic going, have you fucking heard about this red-edged cunt over there in the States? And someday I'll do a gig in Prague. You guys got a funny bone over there? Cause I'll do it. He said, there's a chick living in my neighborhood and she's really into me.

I mean a lot and much more I would like to. I was going to say your English was fucking unreal and I wasn't believing that you were from the Czech Republic by going, there was a chick living in my neighborhood. You're using the slang properly. And he then the next sentence, he goes, I mean a lot and much more I would like to. All right, she calls me in the middle of the night, keeps knocking on my door, calling my name, throws rocks at my window and once climbed on a tree next to my house,

came inside my room and waited, waited under my bed until I arrived. Yeah, dude, you can't have this. That's fucking creepy. I didn't even know she wasn't barefoot. Was she? She's barefoot. I think she's a vampire. You know, aren't they always barefoot?

And they have like their breath is cold. I don't know how Jesus, he goes, I didn't even know there was something like girl stalking, but now I'm starting to be worried. The only thing I did was helping her back on her feet when she fade out on my friend's party a couple of months ago. I don't want to be mean or hurt her feelings. She's pretty nice girl, but this is way over the line. Any advice?

Yeah, you got to tell her to screw. You have to totally cut her off and you can't have any interaction with her because any sort of interaction with this woman is going to make her feel like you guys had that justifies her relationship. You know what I mean? I feel bad that she's in this mind state, but you don't have to deal with it. Lock your fucking window and if she ever comes in your house again, you need to call the cops. I would stand outside and have the cops go in and get her out, and I would have legal record that that's what she did.

Okay. And then don't talk to her at all. Don't answer the phone. Nothing, nothing. And you have to, you have to cut her out of your life because she's out of her fucking mind. All right. That's what I would do. And when she cries or does whatever, do not comfort her and go, I'm sorry,

but I'm just not into you because in her world, the relationship just started over again. You have to fucking, you have to, you got to cut the head off the snake and it. All right. There you go. All right. When is too old to start a band? Well, listen, I just started playing out with, I'm not in a band. I gotta tell you dude, if it's fucking, I gotta tell you something,

going down and doing that goddamn comedy jam and sitting in with the band is the most fun shit I've done in a long time. I literally drive down there with like butterflies, like this nervous excitement. I, you know how long it's been since I've had that? I'm getting outside my comfort zone and I know obviously I'm not going to join a band or anything, but whatever that experience is artistically is going to help me in my acting. It's somewhere down the road, that experience is going to fucking help me. And I don't know, it's just the, that's the fucking best.

Anyways, he goes, when is too old to start a band? He goes, hey, Bill, my boyfriend, oh, she says, sorry. Oh, nice. A female wrote in. God damn it. I love when this happens. He says, my boyfriend of two years has been involved in a, has always, has been very involved in theater and music.

He was in bands throughout high school and college as a drummer. About a year ago, he joined a cover band, which I'm totally supportive of. It's a really nice hobby and I love going to his shows. Now we are getting pretty close to, to moving in together. He talks at length about our future, that what we need to do to get there, etc. Basically, we are being grown-ups and despite what you're probably thinking, he is actually the one that brings up our future and more than me. I'm not judging you.

I know I'm a cunt, but I'm not judging here. I'm reading this open-mindedly. He goes, well, she goes, well, I'm reading this open-mindedly as I keep calling you, he. She says this, well, about a week ago, he says that he and the chick in the cover band want to start their own two-person original band. And based on certain things he has said,

he seems pretty serious about trying to make something of it, i.e. comments about me going on tour with him, or about becoming a rich musician, etc. My first reaction, you're 31. You don't really like your job much. Parentheses, people that hate their careers tend to want to try something else. You talk to me about our future and what we have to do to get there. You want to start dedicating your time to a two-person band.

I haven't said any of this to him, because I don't want to come off as unsupportive. But I mean, at what age do you face the reality and stop trying to live out a 15-year-old's dream? Granted, it seemed very unlikely that anything will come of it. Sorry, just being honest. But doesn't this seem like a midlife crisis 10 years too early? I should mention he also sent me this horrendous skull tattoo today

that he suddenly wants on his arm. Or am I being selfish and an asshole? Be blunt, I can take it. All right. There's a lot of shit going on in this one. Is 31 too late to start in a band? Technically, no. I don't think it is.

And when you said that he's having a midlife crisis, I hate that expression. And however, at first I didn't like that you used it until he was talking about getting the awful skull tattoo on his arm. That gave that loaned a lot of credibility to the midlife crisis comment. I would say this. I think this is a person that wanted to be in a successful band and is now 31 and is realizing like, fuck, if I'm going to do this, I need to do this now.

All right. But going out and getting the skull tattoo is that really, I don't know. I don't know about that part. That's making me feel like your assessment of the situation. I mean, without me seeing this guy play, I can't tell you. At this point, he's in a cover band and he has a job. And that is your relationship. This guy has a job, he has a steady income,

and he has his cover band. Now all of a sudden he's going to get a skull tattoo, quit his job, and potentially go on the road and take you with him. Now, I'm assuming you have a fucking job. So he is creating an entirely new dynamic. So you're in the right to be like, what the fuck are we doing here? And you're in a tough position where you don't want to be like, listen, this dream that you've had,

but for some reason didn't go after it the way you should have. I understand being in a cover band to pay the fucking bills, but if you're not making original music, there's only so far that you can go as far as my understanding of it. I actually don't think that you're being an asshole. The skull tattoo thing is really like a major fucking red flag to me. Does he have any other tattoos? If he doesn't have any other tattoos and out of nowhere,

he's like, all right, I'm going to stop being in this cover band. I'm going to finally take this fucking thing seriously, and I'm going to go out and get some fucking awful goddamn tattoo. Yeah, I would be kind of concerned about the guy and what he was doing. But as far as the whole midlife crisis thing, that gets thrown around a lot when somebody goes after a dream. And there's nothing wrong with being 31 years old and then assessing your life being like, wait a minute,

I've been on this road, I don't want to go on. I need to go on this other road. And I think a lot of times people who aren't going after a dream can't relate to it. I'm not saying this is you, but they can't relate to somebody going after a dream and taking a big risk. And they attribute it to having a midlife crisis or they don't have a dream.

They're just going to work and that's fine. Working for somebody else and you know, doing the nine to five grind as long as you make enough money and you have your benefits and you like where you live. Like that's fine. Like that's your dream. And they can't understand somebody going after something. But I would definitely not call it a midlife.

I don't know. I guess it is technically a midlife crisis. I mean, all the midlife crisis is like, fuck, I better get on the stick or the things that I wanted in life. I'm not going to have. It's like, you know, me when I'm sitting here talking about, you know, I'm finally going to get myself a nice fucking car. If I can never get finished with this goddamn downstairs.

And you know, I'm talking about some of the cars I'm looking at, you know, and it just comes to the, it's like, if I don't ever do this, I'm never going to do it. I think when you're young, you can be like, oh, I'll do this someday. I'll do this someday. Someday I'm going to do this. You can lie to yourself.

And in life, you have to understand that, no, if I don't do this, I'm never going to do this. Does that make sense? If I don't go over to fucking Europe, I'm not, I'm never going to go to Europe unless I get my fucking ass over there. I'm never going to have this car that I always wanted, unless I go down to the dealership and fucking buy the goddamn thing. And I don't know.

And people see you when people see you step out of what they think that you are, which is I play in a cover band and I have this job that I fucking don't like. It's very easily to say, are you having a midlife crisis? He could also be having an awakening. Okay, so this is a very delicate thing. Oh man, it just keeps coming back to that awful skull tattoo. To me, that just seems like, first of all, that's the hackiest fucking tattoo out there.

You know, to get, you know, fucking, I'm in music till I die. What's going to be a guy with a skull fucking playing drums? I mean, that's just bad. And I just look at that like you're dressing up like a rock star, rather than legitimately being one. And I don't think you're being a dick here. I think what you're an asshole. I think what you're doing is he's going to,

he's making this big decision that's going to affect both of your lives in a major way. So you're not being a an asshole. So right now what you have to do is literally try to like diffuse a bomb. Okay, you got to make sure you cut the right wire. And what I mean by that is you're able to convey your concerns like, listen, I support you and all of that. And I know you don't like your day job. But, you know, I mean, there's just no way to say you're 31.

You know, you are 31 years of age. I would say, look, he's kind of making a move for himself here. So you got to make a move for yourself. What I would do is it's like, I would talk him out of the skull tattoo. Just say, listen, this is this is how you get rid of the skull tattoo. Just say, listen, I will support you.

Okay, you get with this woman. You guys start making this fucking music. Okay, but you're not getting the skull tattoo. All right. And then go down and watch them. And if they seem like they have something, who the fuck knows? Strange things have happened. I would never tell somebody not to go after a dream.

I would tell them not to get the skull fucking tattoo. But see if they have something. And if it seems like they have something, then I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That is that is a that is that I guess you have to assess. Do I want to take this fucking ride? Because that is a motherfucker of a ride.

Yeah, that's that's what that's I guess I kind of was all over the map there. But I think I came to a point no skull tattoo. You can start making this fucking original music together and like I mean, I don't know how do you go out on the fucking road unless you're actually doing well? What are they going to do? You know, they have to make some great music by which is laying on the line.

It's like you're asking me you're making a major change here where music was your hobby and now you're going to make it your full time thing and you're talking about taking me out on the road. How are we going to afford to do this and all of that type of stuff? I will support you making them the original music, but you are by no means getting a skull tattoo on your fucking arm because that is a that is the tramps tramp stamp for a guy. Okay, unless you're in a motorcycle gang and you murdered somebody

like there should not be any skulls on your body. All right, there I said it. Okay, and that's it. That's the Monday morning podcasts for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Football is around the corner, cannot wait for college football and all of that type of shit. That's it.

I got nothing else to say. Don't take any shit. Go fuck yourselves and please don't get a tattoo of a skull on your body. All right, see you.