Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-27-15

Episode Date: August 28, 2015

Bill rambles about key limes, apple cunts and the pro tennis tour.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr, and this is the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm running out of ways to say it. I'm just going to have to go with the standard, you know, I always just say what's going on is Bill Burr, Monday morning podcast, I'm just going to have to come up with a standard one. You know, what the fuck did I just do? That was like, I got birds sitting outside of my porch now. Fucking office is a fucking mess here.

Anyways, how are you? How's your week been going? Yeah, well that's good. I've been a pithy beaver, wrapping up efforts for family, I keep bringing it up, we're editing episode six, we've locked one through four, which means, I think that means no more animation, the timing of it is locked, you know, it's fucked up. Once you lock it, the only way you can change a joke is if it takes, if it's the same amount of time and basic lip movement, because at this point they're already having voice actors

all over different countries, doing the show in Spanish, French and all this other shit. I don't know if they're going to get it, you know, it's Netflix. They're worldwide, man! So I guess that's what they're doing, so once you lock it, I learned that because I was just like, I don't know about that joke, everybody just looked at me, I was like, what if we write a whole paragraph of shit and everybody's just looking at me like, okay, when they say the show is locked, what that means is, right, they're doing that shit to me, you know, whatever, I'm the fucking new guy, I'm the new guy.

So anyways, old freckles, old freckles is back on it with the working out, you know, took a nice loss last week, what did I do? Did I hang my head? Sure, I did. Did I take it out of my wife? Of course. Did I make scary faces at children walking by me on the street so they cried? Did I feel better about myself?

Absolutely. But once I got through that childish period, I got right back on it, you know, I said I was getting down to a buck sixty-two, I'm fucking getting down to it, I weighed myself this morning and I'm going in the right direction, I'm turning the ship around and I've almost lost twenty pounds. You know what happens when you lose almost twenty pounds? People stop saying you look good, they start giving you shit, they start trying to pick you apart, you know, just like the Patriots, you win a couple of rings, all of a sudden

you're not the darlings anymore, everybody's trying to find fault. So people are giving me shit, right, getting shit on Twitter like, you know, I'm hearing all this stuff about weight loss, what's up with your fat percentage, got a bunch of those, you know, thinking I'm just sitting here like some chick before a wedding, just not eating. I'm fucking eating like a maniac, I have breakfast, a snack, lunch, then something else and then I have a meal at four and at six, fuel in my body, dude it's fucking bizarre, I don't have any sugar, salt cravings right now, I fucking walked by the other day, I was walking down the street and these people are outside and they were eating pasta with fucking bread

rolls and I didn't give a shit, I just looked at it like, oh what the fuck is, I used to eat that, you know, before when I was on the smack, you know, when I was drinking the booze and all that shit, you know, sugar, salt, sugar, salt, I would look at that pasta and go, oh dude, fucking cancel everything, let's sit down and fucking put that manhole in my stomach and let's just think too, I'm not being some cunt right now because I know most of you guys are junkies right now, sugar, salt, sugar, salt, doing that fucking thing, I understand, you don't think I'm gonna be back fucking limping my way back into regular person rehab with the sugar, salt, of course I will, but right now I gotta fucking see

this thing throw, so, oh god, the blandness of some of the shit that I'm eating, you know my four o'clock meal is, I make turkey patties, you know, if I treat myself and I got enough fucking choco, I'll throw them on my little hibachi, right, and I don't have people around the country call them hibachi, it's just like a little grill, I remember I said hibachi the first time I moved out to LA, the first time I was out here in the late 90s, people were like, you know, they do that thing, you ever see that sketch on fucking SNL, the Californians, where they wouldn't say a word and they wouldn't close their mouth until the end of it, like, we live in Calabasas, there is something about

people that live out in Calabasas and in that fucking area, I had to go to the doctor the other day, you know, I'm an old man getting a checkup or whatever, so this lady fucking brings me into this room and starts doing something to my leg, I got like this little varicose vein I'm trying to get rid of, she's hitting it with this fucking laser thing, and I found out it's because I got like low blood pressure, so my heart shoots it down to my feet, but then it doesn't come back up my legs the way it should, they tell me I got to wear compression socks and shit, I'm fucking looking and I'm like, I'm that fucking old, you know, when you fly on planes, wear some compression socks, so anyways, this

person, she takes me into the fucking room, right, and I go, I was going like, what the hell, I had my bag, I had my bag with me, and I just, there was a chair, you know, the fucking classic, you know, chair that has the wheels on it, that the fucking practitioner always sits in, so it's all the way in the corner, and if I set my bag down with my sneakers, the bag and the sneakers are now in the way of the chair, so I say to the person, I'm like, do you need that chair? And she's like, nah, so I set the shit down, and then I sit down, she's like, oh, I do need it, and she just starts dragging it across the floor, my sneakers are underneath it, like beginning to turn over and over and over, like rolling along

with it, and I'm just looking at it, I just like fucking pick the chair up and give it to her, and then I joked, I'm like, are you better with the laser than you are with the chairs, I'm like, what? Are you saying I know I'm sorry? It's really weird, I'm not saying she was dumb, they just did that accent. The doctor's going to what? See me down stairs in the other room? Yeah. I've been having a lot of that this week. I was, I was fucking sitting at home, right? And I've been dying to make a fucking key lime pie. I love key lime pie, and key limes are in season. So I learned from last year that you can't go to fucking snooty white people grocery stores because for whatever reason, they got

something against key limes. You come in, you're like, do you guys have key limes? They're like key lime pie? No, key limes. Like the pie? No, like the fucking limes. I don't understand why you're yelling. All they have is the pie, they won't fucking sell them. But if you go to a grocery store where enough, I don't know if it's Asian or Latino people, I don't know what it is. Out here, if you go to John's, J O N S, they have them. If you go to like Trader Jazz and fucking Whole Food, they don't have them. You mean like the pie? No, the fucking lime. So anyway, so went down, I got those fucking things. And I'm like, all right, I'm gonna try to make one of these things as I'm sitting here dieting. I, you know, what the

fuck, what am I gonna do? So I fucking eat turkey patties and celery for the rest of my life? I have been since the 4th of July. So I ended up getting these things. I made this fucking pie and homemade whipped cream, which is not difficult, by the way. I never made homemade whipped cream. Do you know, you just take heavy cream? When those little fucking things like those little cartons of milk you'd get when you were a kid going to school, you just pour that into a bowl. And then like a quarter cup of sugar, and I don't think it's that much. You put some sugar in there, and then you just put your like an egg beater. You just put it on high. And all of a sudden it turns into the old fucking whipped cream.

If you go too long, somehow, I don't know, it turns into butter. But then you got sugar in it. So it tastes weird. I think it's more like the consistency. If you put salt in, if you're gonna make butter, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyway, so I made the thing with a graham cracker crust. The hardest part was, was juicing the fucking limes. Little fuckers, man, they didn't want to, the lady, the lady I was watching on YouTube, she actually got one of those garlic pressed things, a bigger one, she'd have them. And so I put it in there and I gotta tell you, man, the thing was tart is a motherfucker. I don't know if I didn't make it right. I'm gonna back off the lime juice. I actually

put a little extra lime juice in because usually people, they under fucking season, I find. So I just assume that this lady, you know, who cooks for a living didn't know what she was doing and I'm a fucking standup comedian. So yeah, by all means, Bill, overrule the chef. But are you really a chef if you're just making YouTube videos? That's like me, I do a podcast. Anybody can do this. You know, do I really consider myself a broadcaster? I don't. I consider myself a jerk off talking into a microphone that I then upload onto my computer. So anyway, so I tried it, man, tart is a motherfucker too much. And as much lime juice as it was, then they had the the the rind or the rind, whatever the fuck you say, the skin of it

sprinkled on top and that was too much too much. But I'm gonna finish it. I'm not gonna lie to you. But somehow I'm still fucking, I'm still dropping weight. I got to see this thing through. I got to see it fucking through because I'm finally, it took me whatever I'm into right now, eight weeks. It took me eight weeks just to have hope that I could actually have a decent fucking torso again. Oh, tell you it was rough, you know, I'm telling you, man, a button down shirt is a middle aged man's friend. Okay, and if you need a snuggie, you just put on a fucking sport coat. And all of a sudden, magically, you're in shape. And then I said, like I said, then one day you got to go to the company picnic and all of a sudden it's t shirt time.

Remember that from the fucking Italian show there on the beach in Jersey, it's t shirt time. You fucking show up. You know, with fucking love handles, the size of a fucking loaf of bread. So anyways, I've been having a lot of that miscommunication shit going on this week, right? So I know I was gonna tell you a key lime story. So I go down to johns, J o n s, not apostrophe, not possessive johns. I go down there. That wouldn't be wands. What did that be J u a n s. It's johns, whatever. So I go down there and I'm all excited. They got these fucking things. They got him in spades, big fucking pile of them. And so I go down and you know, I got like a pound of them, whatever, got a little more than a

pound, just in case I didn't have enough juice or whatever. So I'm all excited. I'm gonna make this fucking pie, right? So I'm standing in line. Now I'm that douche who's just in a great mood, talking to strangers. So I'm standing there waiting to pay and I see this lady and I'm all excited because I'm gonna make the pie and she had this really weird looking bread, but it looked delicious. So I just say to her, I'm like, Oh, what is that? Is that bread? You got bread there? And she just looks at me and she goes, What? I realized she barely spoke English. And then I just said, Oh, I remember what I said, I said, Oh, what kind of bread is that? Oh, it's delicious. And she just goes, What? And then I totally just switched. And I was like,

Is that bread? And she just goes, Yes, just turned around away from her. And did that thing where you're laughing and trying not to move your head. The whole conversation just went south. So anyways, anyways, how's your week going? Huh? You hanging in there? Hot as a motherfucker out here. God damn Los Angeles where I'm living. And as I've been telling you guys, I've been working my way through this Andre Agassi book, not like it's been work. This book open is fucking great. I just been so damn busy. And it's unreal. Jesus Christ, does he take you through the Brook Shields relationship? You know, he takes a little heat himself, but he does not pull any punches, man. He's not being like me. He's just fucking state.

This dude's just putting it out there. Like every great book should. Talked about doing crystal meth. It's like, I had no idea he did that. But just the way he, the way he's taking you through the Brook Shields relationship is the same way he takes. He takes you through his matches. And you're rooting for the guy. Like your stomachs and knots as you're reading it. You're like, Come on, come on, come on. Oh, good. He's to the semis, to the semis. And then he's like, And then my mind starts fucking with me. And you're like, Ah, shit. It's like you're winning and losing with them. It's such a great fucking book. So it ended up making me curious as to like the, the tennis tour, which I've never paid attention

to like most like passive tennis fans. I just watched the majors. And for the most part, I just watched Wimbledon. I always watched Wimbledon. I could give a fuck about the Australian open us open every once in a while I would watch, but it was all about breakfast at Wimbledon. I grew up watching that. I don't know why I thought the grass was cool and whatever Roland Garros the clay just bored me. I don't know why now I'm totally into all of it. So it made reading this book made me want to look up the tour to see how many events there are. So I believe there's 62 events every year. And for hardcore sports fans, this would actually, this will probably interest you as far as like how they get their rankings. I might be off on this.

It obviously has to do with the major events that you win. You get points for it. And then also, I would also think like who you beat would also have something to do with it. Like if you will ranked 100th and all of a sudden you fucking beat the number one person in the world, I don't give a fuck how many points you have. They got to move you up at least 50, 60 spots, right? Or whatever. I'm just using that as a rough example. So here's how the point system works. There's, there's a moon out tonight. Sorry. For a grand slam, you get 2000 points. And then underneath that, then there's four grand slams Australia, French, the English, Wimbledon, and the US open. So all of those are worth 2000 if you win them. And then they have these other ones

that are worth 1000. They call them the gold something or other. And for some reason, they're in gold. And I read a couple of blogs and tennis people don't quite understand why look why they're called it. It says their ATP World Tour Masters events. And those are worth a thousand. And there's nine of those. So for nobody, and by the way, nobody has ever won all nine of those, which I found really interesting. Like there's a couple people in doubles have won them. And like Djokovic has won eight, I think Agassi won seven or eight of them. So whatever. And they're basically, and while I was psyched, there's one out here at Indian Wells. They're basically, I want to fucking read them to you for you. Okay, well, let me get through the whole thing. And

then there's events that are worth 500 points. And then there's ones that are just worth 250 points, which are just shit bum fucking lowest, like you're barely on the goddamn tour. So I think these pros, the upper echelon ones, you know, if they're if they're coming back from an injury, they'll probably play at a 250. Or if they're just trying to get some sort of points, and they just need them, or they need the money, and they fucked up and bought too many goddamn rackets or whatever the fuck they do, he would probably get your rackets for free, wouldn't you? Anyways, I just found it really interesting. So there's nine of these, these events. I'm not going to bore you with the 502 50 read all 62. The first ones in March, that's Indian

Wells out here in California. And then the next one is in Miami. So what's cool is you can lose the Australian open, but then when both of those at 1000 a piece, it's like you want to major. Then there's one in Monte Carlo. That's fucking great. I'm like, why isn't it saying France? I forgot that's a sovereign state, Monaco, which means they're their own little country. It's funny why nobody just attacks them. There's so little. Maybe because they're all in the Illuminati. All right. Then there's one in Spain in Madrid. There's one in Rome, Italy. Both of those are in May. So these are people who have passive tennis fans. There might be a thousand point or right down the street and you'll see Serena or Federer or Djokovic or whatever. There's

one in Canada and Montreal. That's in August. Well, I guess you guys can go to the website. The one I just watched in Cincinnati. I saw Serena win that one. Cincinnati. Who would have thought? Then there's one in Shanghai. That's worth a thousand points. Then the last one is in Paris. I was fucking French cons. They got one in Monaco, a thousand, one in Paris for a thousand, and then they have Roland Garros with 2,000. Sons of bitches. And then some sort of Barclays, whatever. I thought it was really interesting. So I'm going to try to pay attention more to that shit. It kind of helps you get through the summer. I just need help through July, mid June into July. And then I get excited because football is

coming back. And then by the end of August, I start watching baseball. Like today, I was driving around on my old truck and I was listening to the Dodgers playing an afternoon game against Cincinnati. And I'm embarrassed to say I don't know anybody's name at all in baseball. The only people I know is when I stopped paying attention five years ago when they said big poppy tested positive for something. I was just like, dude, I don't want to watch Santa Claus go down too. You know, nothing ever came of it. But yeah, it was just baseball. It was just coming out of that roid era where it was just like, all right, I'm so sick of you guys telling me something that I cheered for eight years ago now doesn't count.

Just fucking clean it up. And I think they cleaned. I don't know. I don't even give a shit whether they did or not. I don't understand why they can't use steroids. These fucking poor bastards. If you read the beginning of this Odyssey book, the fucking pain that this guy is in just trying to get out of bed, just trying to stand upright and then having to take an hour long shower and then go get shut up with cortisone and stuff and get out on the court and get himself all warmed up so his body can actually function. These guys, anything you can give these guys, men and women, they should be fucking legal. It make for, I don't know if their bodies would heal. I don't, what the fuck, Bill? You're not a doctor.

I mean, it appears to me as a comedian, no metal go background, that their bodies would heal. They'd be healthier. You'd have better matches. They could enjoy themselves more. I mean, what the fuck? How much pain do they got to go through? Why can't they do it right? Anyway, so let's plot. You know what? I got to read a little bit. One little advertising thing. One is the loneliest advertising that I ever read. Is that Three Dog Night? That's funny. I drink the two dog special at the juice bar. All right, next issue. Oh, we got three here. All right. Oh, by the way, you know, somebody, ADD, all over the place. Somebody sent me something really cool. I was talking about, you know, one of my favorite drum records of all time

is Jane's Addiction, Ritual De La Habitual Love of the Fuck You Say. It's one of my favorite drum records of all time. And somebody just sent me something called the, I don't know, the name of the band is The Wedding Present and the name of the album Sea Monster. Sea Monsters. Now, I don't know if this person's just fucking with me or whatever. But yeah, if you guys have favorite drum records or whatever, bass records, guitar records, anything, let me know what they are. Because I will download that shit and have a listen to it. And I was just singing Three is a Magic Number. You guys know Schoolhouse Rock? Some of the sickest fucking session drummers, I mean, musicians play on that thing. Listen to Three is a Magic Number. And listen to the fucking drums.

Listen to how fucking just the tasty licks the guy had grooving his fucking ass off, but not overplay it. Play it perfect for the song. I want to listen to it right now. It's fucking amazing. Those are, you know, some, those are some of my favorite fucking musicians are those people that just back up somebody and are absolutely fucking killing it. And then they just walk away and you have no like fucking Clint Eastwood in those cowboy movies. He never had a name, right? Fucking badass. Anyways, let me let's read here. All right, next issue, everybody. Your time is precious. And you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there. Don't you hate when somebody speaks for you? But who has time to sift through all this nonsense

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You'll get immediate access to all these top magazines, including back issues and exclusive videos and photos. Oh, there you go, the videos and photos. I'm sorry, next issue. Once again, you are right. Again, you can try next issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash burr. If you guys are wondering why I go free, they got this guy out here. I don't know if they have it around the country. He's a mattress dude. Fucking do something or your mattress is free. I got to give him a shout out. What the fuck's in A? When I was in Massachusetts, it was Jordan's furniture. Jordan's furniture wall fan left on Spittback, right on Daniel Webster. They had that and then they had the light and leisure, the purple building. And this guy was

trying to do the crazy anything. And every time he came on, he was, he was the crazy guy who sold lamps and his thing every time was like, oh, I really did it this time. Holy shit. Why did I order so many lamps? Fuck, I got to get rid of these things, man. Every fucking time. It's just like, dude, why don't you just look around your store and take a little inventory? Um, the bottom line is, uh, you weren't giving us a fucking a break on the price. You were just acting like you were crazy. And for some reason, people let you run a store. All right, zipper cruda, business owners. Did you know that summers are great time to hire the best people with your competition, when your competitors on

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somebody else. Today you can try zip recruiter for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com slash burr that zip recruiter.com slash burr zip recruiter.com slash burr. All right, the last one mercifully. No more bill reading out loud. Oh, it's time for fucking Hey, you like making great money, right? This is red like I'm fucking calling you from an alley. Hey, you like making great money, right? Come here. Here's a cool opportunity I had to share with you. Looking both ways, driving with Uber. Uber's that popular smartphone app that connects riders with drivers. A lot of people take Uber all the time. A lot of people love them, by the way, and they just love chatting with the different drivers. And evidently, some of them have really

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with Uber. You'll thank me for telling you how to get paid every week. I could be getting into your car when you drive with Uber. Well, I'll tell you right now, I won't be sober. That's the only time I take Uber because I'm responsible when I drink. You got a car and a license. Put them both to work for you and start earning serious, life-changing money today. Sign up and drive with Uber. Visit drivewithuber.com. That's drivewithuber.com. Hey, yeah! Drivewithuber.com. They just feel like you don't hear it for the first two times, do they? One of that works in your relationship. Bill wants a blow job. That's Bill wants a blow job. Hey! Bill wants a blow job. That's gross. Why did you say it three times? All right.

Here's a good line I used on my wife the other day. I was like, sweetie, when are you going to be sick of being sick of me? And she actually laughed and said, sorry. I'm an asshole. I'm not easy to live with. All right. Let's... What the fuck am I here? What do I want to talk about? Oh, by the way, I actually reached out to the nerds on Twitter, seeing if there was any way... I saw all of a sudden I have this iWatch app. I had a really bad week with my iPhone. All of a sudden it was just wigging out on me. And I ended up, you know, I couldn't get messages. I had to keep shutting them down. I couldn't read my messages. I couldn't close apps. All this stuff, the whole thing was going haywire. And I was thinking like,

did I fucking spill water on this thing? What's going on? And then somebody over at F is for families like, well, have you downloaded the new operating system? I'm like, I never do that. It just fills up your phone. That's how I was able to keep the iPhone for us for fucking ever. Right. I was able to keep it forever because I never downloaded any of the new shit. The phone was more than good enough when it was just the three. I have no fun. I would still use a rotary phone with a phone cord. I don't give a fuck. These goddamn iPhone... It's like going to Star Trek. I don't need the new one. So inadvertently, by not needing it and not wanting it, I was able to keep these phones for

fucking years until they finally just died. But now these fucking Apple Cunts, I guess they figured it out, probably because idiots like me running their yap about it on podcasts, their new operating system. Now you like have to download it as far as, and maybe I'm wrong. I'm reaching out to the nerds here. All right. Is that what's going on here now? Like they make they're forcing you to download their new thing. So you fill it up. So when the iPhone fucking six S or fucking seven comes out, I have to go get it. Because if that's the case, I'm out. Because now I downloaded it. Now I have the eye watch app. I don't have an eye watch. And you know what? Nobody has a fucking eye watch. Have you seen anybody? That thing fucking bombed. And I

love it. I love it. But you know, I probably for the environment, it's probably not a good fucking thing because they'll just dump them in the ocean. You know what I mean? Oh, they'll feed them the cows and then you're fucking, they'll sell them to farmers and they'll feed them the cows and then they'll be in your burgers or some shit. Who the fuck knows? But it is. Because I've always been that guy like, dude, we got enough technology. We're fine. We're good. It's too good. It's too much. It's too much shit. We were good right around 95, 94, 95 was fine. You know what I mean? Fine. Everything's fine. Enough with the new shit. Because then you got to throw out the old shit and it ends up in the

ocean enough or upgrade just upgrade my fucking phone. Why do I got to go to a new one and then trade that fucking I hate it. And I also don't like how they're gradually forcing me where I don't have a choice on what the fuck is on my phone. Because eventually they're going to force you to use iCloud, which is so fucking intrusive that these cunts want to see my pictures and my fucking music and all you fucking dopes out there who just like, what do you really think they're taking the time to look at your phone and picture did did that. I can't even speak here. All of that shit that I said about going into CVS and they're fucking doing those little savey save scan card. By the way, I was 100% right about that. They were taking information

from you. Now they try to scan your fucking driver's license. Just say no to those people. I went to the doctor's office. They go stand over here. I'm like, what are you doing? They go, well, we're going to take a picture you. I go for what? They go just your files so we can put a face to this. Like, we get the fuck away from me, you creep. And I was like, no, I don't want you to do that. They're like, you don't want us to do that. I'm like, yes, I don't want you to do that. And then they go, oh, okay, they try to make it seem like you have to do it. You know what I mean? I got a fucking varicose vein. I'm gonna see my fucking face. You do. She got my fucking driver's license. And you got you got my my my credit card. What's wrong with

you guys? Everybody's trying to do that because it's it's a new way to make money is what they do is is they get in from personal information about you beyond what you're there for and beyond really in reality what they need. And then they stockpile it and then they sell it to other people. And they make money off of your information. And I believe that you should have to ask for that person's consent. And then once they give consent, that person should get a cut or percentage of the selling of their own personal information, shouldn't they? Am I nuts? Like if there's money to be made, no one about what kind of fucking fruit loops or special K on meeting, why shouldn't I get a cut? It's my information. I mean, look, if you want to

sit up there with a pad and pencil and see me come walking in a freckle guy just got some fucking shredded wheat. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm whatever. I'm out of my fucking mind. Don't listen to me. Anyway, send me your favorite drum records. This is the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning, just before Thursday afternoon, Monday morning pockets just before Friday. Is that how I say it? Just checking in on you. You know, the weekend's coming, everybody. The weekend is coming. Hey, by the way, that fucking, I've said this before, I'm going to tell you it again, that fucking men's health grip strength workout that Bert Kreischer tweeted at me, I have to retweet that thing. It's that shit is the real deal. I'm on the third exercise with this is the

one where you just hang by one arm with all your body weight, you just hang in there from a fucking chin up bar, chin up, pull up bar. And you try to work yourself up to being able to do it for a minute. I'm up to 25 seconds with the right hand, 20 seconds with the left hand. And I went over to this, the place where we were right editing the show, and they had this little mini gym and they had a pegboard there. And I'm fuck, I was fucking horrible with the pegboard. And I was like, you know, I've been doing this grip strength thing, you know, climbing the rope and shit, let me see what I'm doing here. And I was able at 47 to go all the way up the pegboard and then come back down. I didn't try to go, you're supposed to go up, go over and come down. And I wasn't able to do that.

So I'm fucking psyched, man. That's like, I don't know, I know you youngsters can probably do it, you know, after a night of fucking boozing. But when you're 47, you know, it makes you still feel like you matter. Jesus Christ, what a fucking sad sack I am. All right. That's it. Thank you guys for listening and have a wonderful weekend. You're constant. I'll talk to you on Monday. All right. There's a lot of question out there about, you know, things that happen within society, especially, you know, this, this is something that I think a lot of white people need because not because we're more racist than anybody else, we just get just the, the consequences of us fucking up is so much harsher than other people because, you know, we are the gold standard

when it comes to racism. We are in the driver's seat right now. We have been in the driver's seat for a while, basically meaning that if we are ignorant assholes, it has way more effect than when other people are, you know, back in the day, when other people were running shit, that's the thing. Whoever's on top, if you're thinking ignorant, that's why, you know, if you're on top and you're thinking ignorant shit, you have to be called on it because just because he, because the effect that you can have, you know what I mean? Like if somebody from Bangladesh fucking hates me, that's such a stupid example. Okay. That's not a race of people. I don't even know where Bangladesh is. And I got to be honest with you. I don't even know if that's a city or

a country. Bangladesh. Have you ever seen that on The Price Is Right? You know, in Showcase Showdown, we're sending you to Bangladesh. Some white trash person like myself said with the confused look on their face, like, I don't know where that is. Is that where the terrorists are? I don't want to go there. Whatever. Like if Filipino people fucking hate me, that doesn't affect my life. It doesn't. I'm not going to go into a job interview at, you know, Walmart is not run by Filipinos. You know what I mean? You know, not saying there's anything wrong with Filipinos. All right. See, we'll see what I have to do with this white person. But say I'm saying nothing bad about Filipinos. Just be clear here. I have never had issues. I've never had a bad

character. I'm not fucking all that shit. You got to go into the Jerry Lewis voice there. Lady. Um, so yeah, people have questions. So here we go. And I think all races should chime in the questions that you have. If you have feelings about a different race of people, and you just think you're thinking something funny, there's nothing malicious. But is this offensive? Is it racist? This is this is the new topic. Okay. And if you feel that I answer these questions, like the ignorant white man that I am, call me out on it. Here. So here we go. This first one, Bill, isn't racist to call Indians. Dibba dabbos. And I'm talking about the Asian ones, not Native Americans. I'm guessing by

Dibba dabbos. You mean Dibba dabboo. You're saying like that. Dibba dabboo. Um, is it racist? Probably. But it's fucking funny. So that knocks it down a little bit. This is what I feel that makes something like racist. It's like, like the reason why that one isn't as offensive is because we haven't, we never enslave them. That's the reason why white and black shit is so sensitive is because of the shit that we did to them. But we haven't really fucked with those people, you know. So if the black version of that was, is it, is it offensive to call black people, whatever? Yes, that would be offensive. If you did some sort of mocking of the way they spoke,

yes, that would be, that would be offensive. If some CEO was giving a speech and I was driving, actually I was having someone else drive my town car and we drove by a group of, and they proceeded to walk towards, yeah, you'd have to apologize. So I guess, yeah, I guess technically Dibba dabboo. Like that would be, that would be offensive. Is it racist? This is what I really, I really, it's hard for me to say because it had, it's what's in your heart. You know, because I make fuck, I really, I make fun of, of everybody, you know. I mean, I play a game out here when someone is making, let me ask you, I got a question for you. Is this racist? I have a game out here when I ride around with Nia and she does not approve of this to keep

her in the clear. She does not approve of this when somebody makes a moronic move in front of me, you know, driving, you know, just makes a fucking horrific move. I play a game called old or Asian and you have to guess when, because I'm going to pass the person because I got to see what they look like, you know, whenever somebody does something fucked up, some comedians do a great joke about that. You just want to see what the fuck they look like, right? That's the game, old or Asian. So as I speed up my little hybrid to try to pull parallel to them, I always say, what do you say Nia? What are you going with? Old or Asian? What do you got? Old or Asian? She goes, I'm not playing this game. That's mean. And then I was going, I'm

going to go with old and then I pull up, oh, it's fucking Asian, you know, or, oh, I nailed it. It was an old guy. So is that racist? I'm sure it's offensive, but within the context of my own car, you know, I'm not yelling at anybody and I got to admit, you know, there's a lot of truth in the fucking game. Jesus, I'm going to have to apologize next week on the podcast. So I would say that Indian people, why don't you chime in? I would say that, yeah, that they would find that offensive. Is it racist? Let me see if I can use it in a sentence here. Hey, you know, I called up customer service and, you know, one of those nibba-dabbas answered and tried to tell me that his name was Steve and act like he was in Kentucky.

But I know that he was actually in India because what he talked to him was going, dibba-dabba what? How could I help you? Is it racist? Probably. You know what? Something bad has to happen between white culture and, or Western culture in Indians. So you know what I mean? It's like, it's like you're playing a team and there's no rivalry. Like Patriots vs Jets this year was like whites and blacks. It was bad. It was a lot of hate, you know, but like Patriots vs like the fucking Lions, you know, yeah, there's going to be some shit talking. It's knocked out. But it still hurts if somebody says something mean. I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All right, let's move to the next one.

The next one on the new controversial topic on the Monday morning podcast. Is it racist? All right, here we go. Bill, I had an interesting experience today apparently involving me as a racist. I was walking with two of my co-workers who are both black. Oh, Jesus, here we go. We were going to go get some lunch. One of my co-workers who I'm most a friend with did a little high five fist bump shuffle with one of the female security guards at the front desk, knowing both of them and how they interact with one another. I kind of made a in passing comment to the tune of man, you guys in your handshakes while obviously laughing laughing while obviously laughing at just how choreographed it was and more or less picturing them in a studio or something

working out the logistics to get the fucking handshake perfect. Anyways, we all laughed and moved on and we got our lunch. All right, so nothing wrong yet. So you're cool with these people. You made a joke and everybody laughed. No problems. No problems so far. However, after coming back through security, I noticed the security guard stopped me and kind of had a scowl on her face. I thought she was mad at me for something, but it turned out she was mad at this other lady who was black because she overheard my comment and was telling that security guard that she couldn't believe I had the nerve to say something like that. And I should be ashamed also to the point where she could almost to the point where she could actually go complain to the human resource

people because she was offended, etc. Without even considering that maybe just maybe I was talking about the security guard and my coworker and not all black people. Now it being corporate America and all, I'm sure rather than even face the possibility of any bad press, they'd rather just sweep me out the door and completely ruin my any reputation that I may or may not hold at the company just to save their own asses. I feel I did nothing wrong and had no intentions of ever doing anything wrong. I'm not going to go on and on about how I kiss black babies and try to rehabilitate inner city schools because I don't, but I'm certainly not some corn fed rebel flag waving ignorant product of what might be incest. I guess my question is do we

really have to walk on eggshells when we are just making casual conversation that just any that just any cunt can pick apart, select the context that they might think it is in and then start crying foul. Basically, I would have liked to call that woman a cunt and told her to go fuck herself. But let's just say I was already kind of worried about my job. All right, see. Yeah, I think this is this is the classic one where you were fucking around. The other two people knew you were fucking around, but then one person just decides to get offended and then you have to go on TV and apologize, which personally, I think is the wrong move. Because when you apologize, now it's like you're admitting that you meant it in a bad way.

I mean, the apology I would do there and say, look, you know, I'm sorry that you didn't understand that I was joking, but I'm not going to sit here and apologize like I have any, any sort of ill will come in your way. You know, but I but just to avoid the problem in the future, white people do not use the expression you guys or you people. When talking about black people, that's just it's just not going to you're setting yourself up for someone to get offended. And there's a weird sort of push pole going on with that whole you guys and you people thing where when somebody white says that there becomes this concern of that you're separating

you're separating like, you know, you people over there without you live your lives and we're over here, black people have that weird relationship with white people where they're like, you know, can you stop stealing our fucking music and our culture? But then like if something, you know, hey, let's pave the streets, you know, well, make sure you do it in our neighborhood. We're all in this together, right? All of us together. You know what I mean? So that's that weird sort of fucking push pole thing going on. So yeah, just avoid avoid the whole fucking. Yeah, you fucked up. You didn't fuck up, but you left yourself open for a sucker punch by saying you guys, you know, that's, I guess that that's what it is. I don't

know. That's that's that's my basically a white guy telling a white guy how he fucked up. So black people, if you're listening to this thing, please, please help me out here. Did I basically get it right? Is that essentially it? And I know most people wouldn't get offended. All right, so there you go. That's the new that's the new topic. Is it racist? And I would love to hear some honest comments from non white people about their thoughts, you know, the fucked up ones too. Okay, because I've watched enough Spike Lee movies to think that evidently it's just us, but I've hung around enough people from different races to realize. Oh yeah, everybody's like this.

So they said, Bill, I like to play a little game similar to your Asian or old person driving game, except my game involves the evening news. It's called beiner black guy or crazy ass cracker. Just to clarify, I am Hispanic, parentheses, Latino, Mexican or whatever other dumb ass term someone has come up with. So saying beiner is okay. See, now this is why I wanted to do this segment. This is the exact fucking reason. Okay, he says beiner black guy and cracker. All right. And he goes, I can say beiner because I'm Mexican. Well, then why can you say cracker ass cracker? Right? It's because I'm white and no one gives a fuck about that one. See what I'm saying?

This is something that I learned from doing stand up in front of all different kinds of people. That's what I learned. I learned that everybody basically, it's not that they're selfish, they just they look out of their own head. You can't help but do that. So you just see shit from your own perspective. Like one night I was doing this gig, right down at the old Boston comedy club in New York City. And one of the acts that was going up was this was this, I think I told this story before, it was a comedy team. It was this Asian guy and girl, and they went up there and they did this fucking rap. Okay. And they went up there and they stuck their teeth out like they had buck teeth and then they put, you know, those glasses that you can put on those joke ones that make

your eyes look Asian. They had their Asian and yet they still put those on. And then the other guy had on a fake gold chain with a fucking fortune cookie hanging off the thing. So I'm sitting there looking at them before they're going up going, Oh man, this isn't going to fly. This isn't going to fly with this fucking crowd. This is basically what do you call that shit? What was that shit back in the day in old time Hollywood? It was almost like Asian blackface. Like what they were doing was fucking was ridiculous. I was thinking that black people watching it were going to be like, just all the shit that they've been through would look at and be like, what the why are they these fucking why are they selling out

their own fucking race? This is horrific. This is fucking horrific. And they didn't that act went up there and they fucking destroyed and everybody laughed their balls off. They thought the fortune cookie thing was fucking hilarious. And I was just like, yeah, people, I don't know, maybe it's because they're shitting on their own race. What the fuck are you supposed to do? I don't know. I just found that shit fascinating. So does that pertain to what the fuck I just said? I don't know. This cold medicine is kicking in. Let me finish this. So anyways, this is basically what this guy does. He says just to clarify. Okay, now this game started because I hate watching the news. And no matter what I'm watching, sports center, usually my wife will want to change it.

So naturally, being the asshole that I am, I had to figure out a way to ruin it for. So what I do is turn away from the news whenever they begin beginning explaining the crimes or events of the day based on the description of the crime or event and how it was committed or performed. I yell either beener black guy or crazy ass cracker. Dude, that actually sounds like a fun fucking game. I wouldn't say crazy ass cracker. I would just say fucking white dude. Example news report says, would I say beener? No, I wouldn't. That's one of the worst ones ever. Beener. It's got no ring. It's got no flow. That must have been a bad day with white people. You know, usually we're a lot more creative than that. You know, name you after a fucking vegetable.

Is it a vegetable? Is it a fruit? What the fuck is it? I don't fucking... Anyways, let's plow ahead. Example news report says a man was stabbed and I yell out beener. I know it's beener because we Mexicans can't afford guns and still pay for our legal extended family members we have living with us in our two bedroom house. If the news report says a drive by shooting, I yell black guy. Come on. Do I really have to explain the reason behind that one? And of course, if I hear the suspect had body parts of his victims in the refrigerator, fucking crazy ass cracker. It's because of this game that my wife has stopped watching the news altogether and I now have peace and quiet to enjoy my top plays of the day fix on sports center. Well, good for you. Good for

you. Now, see that's something I don't, I don't think that that's racist because what you, you don't have any hatred towards any of those groups. What you're doing is you're actually, you don't want to watch the news. It's fucking depressing. You want to watch sports and then she puts on a bunch of depressing shit. And what are you going to do? Sit there and get depressed? Or are you going to fucking entertain yourself? So you turn it into a fucking game. It's actually a, you know, I'm not offended by it. I think that's fucking funny. And there's a lot of truth to it. Oh, here's a guy responding to the Dibba Daba. Is that racist? Anyway, so yeah, Indians aren't big white people fans because the British controlled their country

for hundreds of years. See that once again. See, we all can make ignorant statements. So then you should hate the English. Why do you hate all white people? See that? We're all just as dumb. Oh, God damn it. This is, this is enjoyable. All right, let's plow ahead here. Something I remember reading about this, I'm going to give you a vague description of what I remember. This is classic for my podcast because nobody knows what the fuck they're talking about. See this? This is how we're all coming together. Yeah, the British were fucking over the Indian people and Indian people did something. They finally fucking snapped and they went off and they did something really violent to some of the British people who were over there, including women and

children, I believe. And they went, say, you know, we'll say one to 10 evil. They went about five. And then England said, Oh yeah, we'll fucking show you what evil evil is. And then they came back and they went 15 and they were like fucking burning people alive. They just went around just just shooting everybody. Which is what you have to do when you fucking occupy a country. You have to commit fucking genocide. That's the only way which is why you shouldn't do it. You know, it's why you shouldn't fucking invade another country because they ain't fucking leaving. They ain't fucking leaving. So you know what, this is like, that's part of a whole nother big discussion. I shouldn't even have fucking brought it up. But the only occupation I've ever seen that

ever fucking worked was in this country. And the reason why it worked was because we weren't leaving and we fucking committed genocide. That's three and I'm not for that on any fucking level, which is why when I look around the world and I see certain people in certain areas, I'm not surprised with what the fuck's going down because that's what always goes down. That's what always fucking goes down. It's fucking, I don't know, it's fucking, it's evil. You know I know baby, I don't want to go. They say they will be sorry. Someday when you're free. Memories will remind you that our love was meant to be. But late at night when you call my name,

sound you hear is the sound of your voice. Speaking of which, you know, do you guys realize that right now Brett Favre is getting sued? Son of a shit. This is how fucked up the world is right now. Brett Favre is getting sued by the by two masseuses because he tried to get some sort of sexual favors afterwards and they're suing for that. Do you understand that? Let me say that just one more time. Brett Favre is getting sued by a masseuse, two masseuses. Is that how you say it? Maseuses, mousses, two masseuses for asking basically to bang them at the end of it. They're suing it. Can you fucking believe that? I just, it's fucking, you know what that's like?

That's like me suing a comedy club because I got heckled. It comes with the job. There is not any masseuse, any female masseuse out there that listens to this podcast. Are you honestly going to tell me that you've been rubbing guys' backs and their legs and their chest and all that and no one has ever asked you for a fucking handjob at the end of it? It fucking comes with the territory. That's like being a cop ensuing the city because you got shot at. All right? You fucking put hot oil all over a guy's body and you rub everything but their dick. I mean, give me a fucking break. You goddamn cock teases. Yeah, people are going to ask you to rub one out. Okay? And if you had a shred of fucking decency, you'd do it. You'd complete the goddamn job.

All right? Because your sign says full body massage. All right? Last I saw my dick is still part of my body. All right? You know what masseuses are like? They're like the fucking quarterback who can't get it done. You know? Just always comes up a little bit short. They should fucking interview him afterwards. So, you know, like what happened in there? You know, I just didn't get it done. You know? It's like right there, all I do is just reach out and grab it and I just, you know, we didn't want it. We didn't want it as much as they wanted it. That's just like just that's such a classic piggyback lawsuit. It's like once that first stupid whore gave Brett Farve shit. This is very interesting that I've noticed about horse. Once one comes

out of the woodwork, then all of a sudden 20 come out of the woodwork, you know? And then they always try to paint it as, well, we were too scared. We were scared. Fuck you, you were. You're trying to make money and you're trying to build on the momentum of the other case. That's the female version of pulling a train on somebody. You know? The guy version is, you know, you and 80 of friends bang the same girl. The female version is, you know, you're a fucking whore and you're just waiting for a whore to sue a guy that you fucking banged. And then you fucking, you draft in right behind their lawsuit. Okay? You know, some of those masseuses, they'll actually come to your house and give you a full body rub down with oil. Okay. And then have the fucking nerve

to get upset that you try to get a hand job at the end of it. You know, give me a fucking break. Why don't you fucking masseuse broads, man the fuck up and start rubbing one out. Is it that goddamn hard? No pun intended. Is it that fucking difficult to just fucking, you know, it's like you're revving a motorcycle. That's it. That's all you got to do up and down, up and down with that fucking oil. You in and out. You want that house on the hill, sweetheart? There's a price to pay. All right. And when a quarterback who owns every fucking record, good and bad in the goddamn universe asked you to rub one out. God damn it. You fucking rub one out. Well, maybe you don't blog in this business, sister. That's right. Stare at your fucking manicured

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