Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-29-19

Episode Date: August 30, 2019

Bill rambles about hurricanes, mumble rappers, and hot sleepers.

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Seeing how your work's going, your work week's going. How are you? How are people doing down there in Cuba? Dominican Republic, East Coast of Florida, huh? Hurricane Dorian. Is that what they're calling it? Hurricane Dorian. Now, is that like a gender neutral name? Have they taken it that far with political correctness? Because I don't know nor name meaning. Let's see what this means. Dorian is a unisex name. I called it. Who says I'm not progressive?

So what is that? That's Dorothea and Nathaniel combined. Is that what it is? Dorothy. Oh, it's Ian. It's Dorothy and Ian combined. That's what I'm guessing. It is a unisex given name of Greek origin. Oh, is that like the half horse, half guy thing? Except now it's half horse, half lady. Well, why is the lady in the bell? Let's put her up front. Let's have there. Let's have the guy be the ass. There we go. That's progressive. That's how they're going to start drawing that thing.

No way, because it's half a goat. I'm surprised Peter hasn't had a problem with that. In Greek, the meaning of the name Dorian is of Doros, a district of Greece, or of Doros, a legendary Greek hero. Doros was the founder of Dorian, the Dorian tribe, and the most likely origin of the Doros name was the Greek word Doran, meaning gift. Oh, there you go. See that? You think you don't learn things. When you listen to a man who doesn't read other than rock autobiographies, quarterbacks from the 70s, autobiographies, that's what I read. That's what I'm bringing to you. Why am I yelling at you guys? Because I'm excited because I still have not gotten over the fact that I'm actually home.

I'm home. And you know what I got in one of our bathrooms? Because nobody used it for months on end. We got the black mold. The African American mold. Sorry, don't offend anybody. This is the bad kind. Right? And it's just because of the color. This has nothing to do with race before getting in trouble here. But I guess this is the McMars kind that you don't want to have in your fucking house. So now I got to go over to fucking Home Depot. I got to go get the mask. I got to get the gloves. I got to pour a cup of fucking bleach in there and then up in the tank and then make sure. You know what? I'm going to do everything that they fucking say, no matter how much I do what they say.

I'm going to get all these emails from you guys going, Bill, oh my God, you need to burn that fucking bathroom down. There's no fucking, it's just a little bit. You know? It's like all you fucking recreational cokehead users. You don't go out and buy an eight ball. You walk by, you do a little bump off a fucking ironing board. And then, you know, you continue on. You know, you do your little mashed potato dance. Whatever the fuck you kids do nowadays. The go-go. I don't even, I'm so not a dancer. I don't even fucking know the name of dances. The running man. That's the last name that I knew. And then for some reason there was the Harlem something or other, which I didn't under even the Harlem Shake.

I remember that and then it came back again and it was something different. It was just white people acting like idiots in videos. I believe. I don't know why. I don't know. I'm not into that internet shit. As I sit around, do you know those dumb fads? Yes, Bill. The ones you make fun of every podcast. All right, easy. All I know is college football starts hard. It starts this fucking Saturday. Alabama Crimson Tide. They're playing Duke. Huh? This is the dummies versus smarties game. Well, if you're so fucking smart, why can't you win a football game, right? That's the stereotype of both schools is that Duke is smart and that Alabama is a bunch of mouth-breathing fucking morons.

And I was too dumb to get into either school, so y'all, all y'all seem smart to me. All right, let's see who my LSU Tigers are playing this year. Huh? My LSU Tigers. I'm from Massachusetts and I've adopted this team. LSU football schedule. Let's see. Who do we got? Oh, Jesus, we're starting off with the powerhouse. Georgia Southern. Just when you didn't think Georgia was South enough. This is South of Georgia people. Even Leonard Skinnerd was scared when they went to this fucking campus. Then we got, oh, we're ranked six? We? We're ranked six? We got Texas Longhorns. Tenth? How about them coming back? That program came back.

That was scary there for a few years. Good for them. Then we got NW State. I don't even know what that is. Northwestern State. North Wyoming. North Walla Walla. I have no idea. Then we got Vanderbilt. Nate Bargottsy. I'll take some money off of him. He's got too much pride. He's got more pride than brains. I'm going to bet him on that game. I'll win some fucking cash. Then we got Utah State. Then we got Florida. That's the first big one on the 12th. Oh, would you look at this shit? Then we get into the SEC. Mississippi State the next week. Then you got Auburn. The Auburn Tigers. LSU. That's going to be a battle of mascots.

Then they got Alabama on the ninth. Will they still be ranked sixth at that point? Usually at that time of year, Alabama is ranked number one. One fucking game screws them over. Something fucks them, it seems. Then we got Mississippi. Then we got Arkansas. Then we got Texas A&M. Believe it or not, is part of the SEC if you've been snoozing the last couple of years. That's a great fucking schedule. Not an easy schedule. It's a great schedule. Now I'm going to listen to all the fucking big ten people. The SEC is fucking weak. Let's talk about movies. I finally went out and saw Quentin Tarantino's eighth movie,

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. They got that website, Rotten Tomatoes. I'm going to start my own here. Old freckles thumbs up to thumbs down. I fucking loved that movie. I fucking loved that movie. That was the fastest two hours and 45 minutes of my life. When the dude came out and he made a joke, we were at the arc light. When he came out, he goes, this is Quentin Tarantino's movie, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. It stars Margot Robbie and a bunch of other people. I guess a bunch of people were disappointed that she wasn't in the movie more,

which I thought she was in the movie a lot. She didn't say a lot, but she conveyed a lot. I don't know. But then I thought about it. I understand why so many women are complaining. Because I think throughout history in Hollywood, I don't know about you guys, but personally, I am waiting for beautiful blonde white women to be represented positively in American cinema. I saw the trailer and I was like, this is a Brad Pitt Leonardo DiCaprio movie. I don't know where the fucking confusion was. By the way, no spoiler alert. I should have said that early on. Everybody just shut up my podcast. I'm not going to ruin any other than to say that I fucking loved it.

I went with my lovely wife and we've been throwing around all of our theories and all of that shit. My buddy Dean's already seen it twice. I got to see it again because I was spending a lot of time looking at the cars. And there was all these great classic hilarious fucking lines in it. Absolutely fucking wire to wire. Loved, loved that fucking movie. And one of my favorite things one time, Quentin Tarantino, he was talking about making movies and people were saying, you can't do this, you can't do that. And he was like, wait a minute, wait a minute. I can do whatever the fuck I want. And those are the people. Those are the people. You want to go see their movies. Those are the comedians you want to see.

What the fuck I want to say? You know, fucking jerk offs. Anyway, so I guess there was some sort of scandal about that. I thought Margot Robbie absolutely fucking killed it in the movie and I thought she was a major part of it. You know, what she was conveying, the story that she was telling without speaking. I mean, the skill set just to do that was amazing. So I don't know, maybe I'm talking about it too much, but I absolutely loved it. I give it a giant, pasty, freckled thumbs up. Way the fuck up. So if you're thinking about seeing it and believe me, it flies by. It flies by. I loved it. Other than that, I am still rehabbing.

So rough transition here to go from a movie that I loved with my, my very close vein fucking surgery or whatever. I was supposed to fucking lay off it for seven days and I was going a little fucking stir crazy. So I just, I went down, you know, I played a little bit of drums just for a little bit. It's my hi-hat leg. I didn't think it was a big deal, but I guess I was tapping my leg and I bugged it just a little bit. Just, just a little, you know, I sound like the little kid in that Richard private, you know, I was, I wasn't really running, running. So I kind of fucked it up a little bit, but it seems to be healing up nicely. My leg was purple and now it's a, it's a light purple with some disgusting yellow. And it looks like my whole leg has jaundice.

Pretty soon, pretty soon, it's going to be all healed up. And you know what, for the first time in a long time, I can hit the street wearing my boy shorts. And that's all I wanted out of this operation, to be honest with you. I really did. No, but thank you to the people that worked on me. I feel better. I know I fucked up a little bit. I probably shouldn't be saying this. They'll use this against me in a court of law. Well, is it true, Bill, that you went down and played drums? There's no reason the guy's dressed like Matlock and actually talks like a guy who dresses like Matlock. The Colonel Sanders look. Yeah, so last night I went and I went down to the lab factory.

I did Jay Davis's birthday show, Happy Birthday to him. And then I did Brian Callan's show afterwards. And I've been trying out my new shit, which I have to do because the trailer for my new special went out today. It's on all my social media. It's coming out September 10th. And what I need you guys to do is tell everybody to watch this thing so that I can continue, you know, living and prolonging my adolescence by having this silly job. I had so much fucking fun last night. I hadn't been to the lab factory in a minute. I had a fucking great time. A lot of funny people down there in front of me and all that shit. And I've been trying to do this thing, that bit about lesbians, that the first time I did it,

those two chicks fucking screamed at me, walked out and then waited for me to fucking come out and then yelled at me some more. And now I'm doing the bit and it's killing. All right? It's fucking assholes. It's like it's a new bit. I'm working it out. All right? I'm going to find the funny. You fucking cunts. So I think I found the funny. And I don't want to tell you all my subjects, but I just had a great time last night. And of course I said it perfectly the first show and then you come up on the second show trying to remember how you said it and then you fuck up because you're not in the moment again and the whole thing goes to shit. But it was definitely a good night. Banged out two shows and I got to get ready because I got Vegas coming up next week.

I think that's September 6th, Friday night. And then I'm hanging around because I'm going to go see Elton John because he's on his, you know, three year farewell tour. I know it's kind of funny, but eventually the guy has a lot of fans. I mean, it's taken this guy probably half a decade to say goodbye to everybody and I want to make sure that I see him. You know, hold me close. It's time to dance. I want to see the whole thing going with the lovely Nia. I think Dean might be going to we're going to have a fucking great time. So I'm looking forward to that, but I got to make sure that I don't bomb with my new shit. Well, actually my special won't be out yet, but I did my other hour, my last hour, the last time I was there. So I got to make sure I got off all kinds of all kinds of new shit.

So it should be a good time. That's September 6th. And that's it. And with that, let's get on with the podcast here. Let's talk about the talk about hurricane that Hurricane Dorian. Google news here. You can track its path. Let's check out my geography here. These poor fucking people, man, the balls it takes to live where all of these people live. If you actually have like, if you actually have the money to get the fuck out of there, it really says a lot about Florida. You know, I get people in Cuba. I mean, you're not allowed to leave Dominican Republic, Haiti, all these fucking places. I mean, it's a Puerto Rico. You're on an island. It's hard to get the fuck out of there. I mean, you get in a car, eventually you get to the ocean. Yes, Bill, we understand what an island is.

You're in Florida. I mean, you can just start fucking driving. You can get the fuck out of there, right? So here it is. They're projecting it. Today it seems to be, it's just north of Puerto Rico. And they're saying, well, actually, no, now it's north of fucking to the Dominican Republic. Oh, that's how it goes. It goes Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Cuba, and then Jamaica's down south there. So anyway, the projecting that it's going to hit Florida September 2nd or September 3rd. Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you, I mean, every year you got to deal with that shit now. Every fucking year. Was it always like that?

Every fucking year. Look at the Rolling Stones move their Miami Gardens concert up to get ahead of Hurricane Dorian. God bless them. You know, we want to get down there and make sure we don't have to take your money off your dead drowning carcass. We got to get down there. We got to get down there. We're going to get your money, give you one last fucking show and that right. Everybody be safe. Try to stay dry. Thank you for your money. Go fuck yourselves. And then they get on the way. They get the fuck out of there. Nobody does the road like the Rolling Stones. They even know when some of you are going to die.

And then they fucking get in there and they get your fucking money beforehand. See, now that's how you do the fucking road. Trump cancels Poland trip as Hurricane bears down on Florida. Does he realize where fucking Poland is? He can fly right by it. Oh, he cares about Florida. Oh, sorry about that. I wonder if a fucking hurricane was hit in L.A. Probably relocate the Poland. He wouldn't give a fuck about us out here. What's that of a bitch? Many genes influence same sex sexuality.

Not a single gay gene. This is on what in the fuck are we doing? Why do we need to know that? Are they going to make, you know, gay robots and straight robots? I'm telling you, you guys are all out of your fucking mind. Anybody who went on that ancestry.com, you just gave your fucking DNA to the Internet. Are you out of your fucking minds? Like, where can that go in a good place? I know they can see if you're susceptible to this and whatever.

It's going to land in the wrong fucking hands. But whatever, that's what you want to do. I'm just here to recommend movies and talk about football schedules. That's all I'm trying to do here. I'm not trying to be anything beyond what I am. You know, last night when I did that show, somebody I hadn't seen in a while, sent me a picture and was like, dude, I was in the crowd. Didn't have time to say hello. Great set. And he took a picture of me. Oh my God.

What gravity is doing to me? It's just fucking, Mike, fucking. I already put on, I don't know how much I put on since the movie. I had the audacity to wear a t-shirt last night. I'm in my fifties. You don't wear a fucking t-shirt. You got to put another shirt over yourself. So, I don't know, whatever. I'm going to blame my leg. The second this is over, I'm going to start working out again like the soccer mom workout that I do because I'm too fucking old to do anything else.

My shoulders are too fucked up to lift weights anymore. So now I got to do like, like my workouts. Now I have like mats. I do like yoga and fucking I get on the elliptical. I just had to admit that I was old. You know, I'll tell you who's aging in dog years is all those fucking lunatics. They look great, but those lunatics who are doing CrossFit, every time I drive by, you know, and they always have the fucking, you know,

it's such a voyeuristic workout like, look at us, we're working out, right? Or maybe it's green. They don't want to waste all that energy with treadmills. But I think it really is like, you're just screaming for attention. So they got the garage door up and you look in and I swear to God, half at least 60% of the fuck half to 60% of the time I drive by, I just see them doing something and I just wince. I know that's cause I'm fucking old, but like they're going to be old someday too. And you know, just blowing out your fucking joints.

This is something I learned. I, you know, this is obvious, but I wasn't thinking about it. Yeah, you need your knees and your shoulders for your entire life. You know, I don't know. There's two things that I would invest in as far as just sort of random things. Whoever the people are that work on joints and shit like that, the osteoporosis doctors, what do you call those fucking joint doctors, right? I would invest in that and I would pull my money out of weed

because I think it's going to be overly saturated and know that I don't have any idea about any, what's going on in any of these markets. Just know that as I'm telling this to you. I would take my money out of weed, man, and then I would stick it in any sort of company that is working on the next level tattoo removal doohickey. So I was out there driving down the fucking seat. Oh, I was out there, man.

I was driving down that fucking street, man. I was out there and I looked over and there was this beautiful woman and she just had tattoos that started on her arm, went up to her shoulder, up to her neck and all on the side of her face. And it was like she had a bunch of leaves. They weren't filled in yet. So I imagine the tattoo isn't finished

and she's eventually going to do a bunch of other shit, but Jesus Christ with the face fucking tattoos. You know, I actually went down a rabbit hole and somehow I was looking up all this mumble wrap shit, which is hilarious because it had the history of mumble wrap. It started off with this guy. They were making fun of his haircut and like it looked like the same haircut

Brian Jones had in The Rolling Stones, that page boy haircut. Then he had like glasses on and he was fucking, seemed to be fucking wasted. And he was just like, hey, follow y'all making fun of my haircut? Just want to tell you, I don't give a fuck.

And like that was the video. And I was just like, wow, that guy needs fucking rehab. That guy needs rehab, like I need sit-ups. Hey, let me tell you. So I was like, oh, there's another mumble wrap guy. I want to say he had a face tattoo. I can't keep it fucking straight. I don't know things, right?

So I fucking, I go online and I just look up mumble wrap. And then they had this really cool video. It's the history of mumble wrap. And what was funny was I ended up downloading like half the songs. Couldn't understand what the fuck they were saying. Some of them they weren't really mumbling. I didn't think they were.

This is me actually getting transported finally musically from like, I don't know how long ago until, I think somewhere along the line, I don't know, like somewhere 12 years ago, I just kind of lost it as far as like even knowing what it was even remotely fucking popular. So now I'm like about three years behind. So I downloaded the Migos Bad and Bougie.

Fucking love that. Didn't have difficulty understanding what they were saying. It's just, you know, some of the references I obviously didn't get. And then I downloaded 21 Savage No Heart. That was a little more mumbly. You know, we've all been there. You know, who hasn't had a little codeine

with their fucking breakfast? But, yeah, so I was actually, and I went down this rabbit hole, reading up on all of this shit. Not reading up. I was watching videos, Bill. You don't read. That's right.

I wasn't. And I came across these two fucking young kids and they were saying, they were saying Biggie Smalls was overrated. And I was like, wow, shots fired. Here and that was right up there where I, when I saw Beware of Mr. Baker, that documentary on Ginger Baker,

and he said, he trashed John Bonham. I don't know where the guy, you know, doing the documentary was like going, hey man, what do you think about John Bonham? John Bonham couldn't swing a sack of shit. I almost fell out of my chair. I've never heard anybody trash him. Oh, wait a minute.

Keith Richards did. What am I talking about? Keith Richards. Called him a runaway 18-wheeler or something. I'm literally sitting here. I just moved my fucking recorder. Now I'm wrapped all up in the wires. I don't know how much easier I can make this shit

on myself and then, then it drops, then it drops to the fucking ground. Come on, Bill. When are you gonna get it together? Oh, you know what it is? The microphone got all twisted up here. So what you gotta do is let it dangle. Let it dangle.

All right, let me do the, let me do the reads here. I apologize how scatterbrained this fucking thing is. I'm just freaking out that my special's coming out. I just want it to come out and people to like it and people who hate it to hate it and then just get past it and move on with my fucking life.

You know? Because I'm in that thing. It's locked. It's coming out. There's nothing I can do about it. And, you know, and I always go, whenever my special comes out, I just go, you know,

I just go offline for a little bit. And then when I come back, people are talking about other shit. They're upset about other things and they've just fucking moved on from whatever the fuck they were gonna say about my shit. Because I, you know, I don't need the feedback.

It's too late. It's already out there. What am I gonna fix it? All right. Helix, everybody. Helix? Helix, sweet man. Helix Sleep.

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she just like soaked the fucking bed to the point that gradually, somewhere around 2.30, 2.45 in the morning, like the sheets underneath you started to get wet and you started to get cold. And you would wake up shivering every night as she sat there sort of like, you know,

in her REM sleep, gorgeous but like her fucking eyeballs going back and forth. Would you do it? But she's a sweetheart, you know? But she also is needy. And you're like, is it okay if I sleep down the hall? No, I don't want to sleep with you.

I can't help it. And she's so beautiful that you just give in. But every night at a quarter to three in the morning, you're just fucking sitting there. And you're looking at her and you're shivering, right? And you can't grab any of the blankets

or anything off the bed because they're all fucking soaking wet too, right? So now you got to go in the bathroom. You got to put on like a fucking bathrobe. She kind of wakes up a little bit. Oh, what are you doing? Was I sweating again? And you just got to be like, yeah, yeah,

but it's all right. Come back to bed. You know, I don't like being in this sweaty bed by myself. And you have to fucking make that choice. You think as a man, a weak man, you could ever block out her other world beauty. And how long would it take you? This is my question for you.

How long would it take you before you had it? All right. And one of those days you were just like, I'm fucking, I mean, one of those days you just go to bed with like, I don't know, some sort of waterproof clothes on. Well, then you'd sleep through the night. No, no, you got to take it one last night. Her gross fucking night sweat soaking your jam jams.

Then you'd have to slip out of bed. Why do you got to do it that way? Why can't you just break up with her? Just wake up the next morning, you know? You don't even shower. You just have this ring of salt all over your body from her. This is really gross. Whether you're a side sleeper, a hot sleeper,

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I didn't know GQ reviewed mattresses. I'm just those all suits and cigars and shit. CNN and CNN called it the most comfortable mattress they've ever slept on. Well, I'll tell you when they were sleeping on that during the last election, am I right everybody? Whoo! They have, that was for the red states, they have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free.

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and we're going to play a little fucking podcast Santa Claus. Help out some of these public school teachers. And maybe this can be a thing. Maybe this will be my cause. That eventually the cause fades into the background and it becomes more about me. You know, like when Sally Struthers used to just fucking walk by those starving kids and she had, you know, remember all those bits people used to do?

They had all the makeup on and all the hair was all teased. I'm fucking with you. She's a saint. She went over there and she helped people out. What's a better example? I don't know. I'll probably be the best example of self-involved as I am. By the way, what I liked about some of that mumble rap is I don't need to know what the fuck they're talking about.

As long as the track sounds good. And what I liked was on one of those, the hi-hat, it was playing 16th notes. In the beginning, it was a little fucking 30 second notes burst. This is for the just drummers. And then at 16th notes, and then to the end of two, it was like a triplet. And then you go right back to 16th notes, which was, you know, it was a syncopated beat two where the bass drum was on the end of two and the end of three.

Have I lost you yet? I really enjoyed the fucking challenge of that because I never, I never would think to play something like that. So that's what I've always liked about, you know, I guess rap music is, I've always listened to the fucking beats first and then listened to what the person was saying. And I gotta admit, a lot of them lose me because all they're doing is just bragging about all the shit that they have.

And after a while, it's like, I get it, you got a lot of stuff. But I liked the storytellers, which is why I always loved Biggie because I felt like his, his, his raps were like movies. I could like see the whole fucking thing. That's what I liked about Richard Pryor. Like I go back and listen to his albums that I listened to as a kid. I know what everybody in that joke looks like. I still have it in my head.

And sometimes when I listen, when I haven't heard it in a while and I listen to it and it starts playing in my head, like an old episode of TV, I have to remind myself like, wait a minute, like I just, this just came into my head because of what he was saying. That's how good this guy is. So that's a blew me away when those people were saying that he wasn't that good. But I also understand that because every generation has to do that. Right.

They got to slay the people, whatever they say. I would just say, but you got to be going pretty hard to say that that guy wasn't, was overrated. All right. And with that, and with that, okay, that's the podcast. Sorry about that. There was really disjointed this time. I just freaking the fuck out.

I hope you guys liked the special. I can tell you this. It's the best looking one I ever did. Mike binder absolutely killed it. He's the guy who directed it. And I got to know him a long time ago when I was doing this movie called black or white with Kevin costa. And we have remained friends ever since. It's one of my favorite people in this business.

And like, I knew he was going to do a good job when we first talked about it. I should, I got to have him on the podcast to talk about how this whole thing came together. But I'm even if people don't like my jokes, just fucking hit mute and just see how he put the thing together. It's absolutely gorgeous. I don't think I've ever said that about a standup special, but it's fucking gorgeous. Despite the fact that I'm in the middle of it. All right. So that's it.

Tell everybody September 10th. Come on, man. I need you guys. You got to be there for me. Make it a safe comedy space for me. By the way, congratulations to Sebastian for fucking crushing it on one of the iconic standup gigs. You can have the MTV music awards. Don't listen to that shit that people wrote because he crushed it on that.

And the initial feedback was 100% positive. And then one person has a problem with it. And then that gets, that's the one that everybody latches on to. He absolutely killed it. And I'm so happy for him. Continue to success to him and speak to him. He's going to, he's in the kill the Irish move. Kill the Irishman movie with Martin Scorsese.

And that's it. Don't listen to fucking nine people bitch moaning and complaining. And that becomes the story. But that, that is the story because that's enough people. That's all you need. And then everybody starts paying attention. He fucking killed it. So that's it.

Have a great weekend. And listen to the music. And here's the greatest hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from last year, five years ago. I don't know how he does it. All right, that's it. Thank you for listening. September 10th, paper tiger on Netflix.

All right. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, what's going on? It's go burn. It's the Monday morning podcast for August 29th, 2011. And this is a very special podcast because I think the first time in my podcasting history, going back to June of 2007, back to Robert Kelly's apartment where it all

began that faithful day when he set up my podcast and I did my first podcast. Albeit it was only a 22nd podcast. It was still a podcast. This is the first time in history if I've ever been stranded. I'm stranded because I don't know if you guys heard. There was a hurricane. I can see how you might have missed it. You might have been watching lifetime for the last 36 fucking hours.

Yeah, I'm stranded right now. I am on a piece of driftwood and fortunately I had my computer bag and a generator. So I'll be hand cranking it throughout this podcast, but I'm okay. I have on some mittens and some Kevlar. No, I'm fucking, I'm in this hotel. You know what they did. They basically, they scared the shit out of everybody. Christ, you cut the shit out of it.

They, they scared the living, what the fuck is with the weather channel? What's the deal? What a weather channel? You know, you can't, you can't shout fire in a crowded movie theater, but evidently you can have your own channel and tell everybody that they're gonna fucking die, drown, or get crushed by a tree for three fucking days straight. And screw up, who the fuck's got the heavy feet up there? That's gotta be kids.

You know, when was the last time you saw a graceful child? You know, they're so used to, they're so new to running. They've only been doing it for like four years. Just stomping all over the place with their brand new spinal cord. Nothing hurts. They just run around immune to anything. Jesus Christ. Anybody ever done that?

You know, when they do that, when they, they film joggers in slow motion, how much their calves are fucking, you know, shaking in the impact of it. I bet little kids, it's even worse. You know, they just come straight down on their foot. There's no role, no nothing. Anyways, what the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about these people on the Weather Channel. It's unbelievable.

Three fucking days they're talking, it's gonna be the worst storm the East Coast has ever seen. I had six shows. Six shows this weekend at the Stress Factory. I only got to do three of them. Because these fucking assholes got everybody so goddamn scared. You know? That's just unbelievable.

What happens? What happens? It's always slams into the South. You know? Where it deserves to be. Those inbred sons of bitches down there, all fucking related. That's, it's God. God's doing it to you.

Oh, Jesus, right? He sends it in there. And then it fucking swoops away a couple people in the Carolinas. And by the time it comes up here, it really doesn't do anything. A couple of trees fall down. Oh, the water's up to my ankles. A couple of basements get flooded. What the fuck really happens?

Jesus Christ, they canceled all the flights for like two, three days. So now here I am, stuck in New Jersey. I have no goddamn shows. And I can't get out of here until Tuesday. I don't know what I'm gonna do. It's Sunday night. I'm sitting in this fucking hotel room. Thanks to the goddamn weather channel.

I swear to God, 40 guys with chainsaws could clean up all of New Jersey. There's really no problem. And they sat there saying that, oh, it's coming right at New Jersey. Scaring the shit out of these people. Everybody going down to the supermarket buying gallons of milk. What the fuck are you gonna do with that gallon of milk? How does that help you in a flood other than drag you under you? Are you gonna dump two gallons of milk out and use that as like a flotation device?

You can duct tape to your back. What are you gonna do with your milk, sir? Your milk and your eggs? What are you gonna do? Can you imagine the amount of sore udders out there because of this fucking storm? Huh? The amount of chicken sphincters that are fucking raw from laying all those goddamn eggs? I don't know where the eggs come.

They don't come out of the ass. Where do they come out of the chicken pussy? Is that where it comes out of? Huh, you freak? Who goes to beastiality.com and can answer that one? Don't even lie to me that you went to veterinarian school because I'm not buying it. If you went to that school, you're too smart to listen to this podcast, alright? So if you know the answer to that, that means you have fucking chickens on a regular basis

and I don't want to hear otherwise. Alright, so go back out to the coop and have a good time, you fucking weirdo. Oh god, I am in a mood. I am in a fucking mood. Yeah, they canceled my flight and somehow I was able to get... I actually got a window seat, which is good. You know? Ah, Jesus Christ.

I gotta get my own helicopter. That's what I want. A helicopter that leads to a jet. That's what I want. No, I'll rent the helicopter. It lands on every hotel or on top of the comedy club the second I'm done and I walk up into the attic of the comedy club, I jump on it, and I fly away.

And then I land at some private airport and then I get on a private jet and then they take that shit that they give you right before they remove your appendix. You know, some sort of gas, they knock me out, and then next thing I know, they're just nudging me. Mr. Burr. We've landed in California. That's how I want to fucking travel. And I don't give a shit what it does to the ozone layer.

And I don't give a shit how much of an arrogant ass it makes me. I don't give a fuck how much I won't be able to relate to my crowd because my life is that awesome. I don't care if my number's slowly back up, go back down again. I want to go home. I haven't been home. Remember last week when I was talking about work, working in Nashville?

Just a good old boy. Remember that? Never mean in no harm. I don't mean no harm. Shit, I'm just fucking stupid. Um, yeah, I'm still on the fucking road. I went from Nashville. Wednesday.

I flew to Nashville and I did shows. What was it Thursday? I don't remember. I'm seeing double right now. I have no fucking idea. Oh, no, wait. I have Wednesday and then I did shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I flew to New York.

I ran my Letterman set right in front of fucking these New Zealand water polo team the night before, of course, it ate its balls. Then I went on the Letterman show, right? When it counted, I fucking delivered. You know, fucked up in the end, thought he was going for another handshake. I was like, I'll oblige and he was like, no, I don't think so. And I was like, hey, it's your show. Other than that, I thought it was pretty smooth.

If I do say so myself. So I got that out of the way. Then I had two days to hang in New York and then I came down to New Jersey. And I'm like, this is going to be great. I got the pressure Letterman off me. That's off my fucking back. And now what? Now what do I do?

I get to go to one of my favorite clubs in the country. The Stress Factory. I was already talking to Vinny Brand. The club owner. He's got a boat. We were going to go out on his boat on Sunday. Everything was going to be great. All the shows were fucking sold out.

Had a great time. And then what happens? These fucking nerds on the weather channel. What do they do? They turn out all the lights in their studio and they put a flashlight under their chin. And just start scaring the living shit out of people. And you know what kills me is every fucking time people buy into it. I was joking about it all weekend.

I'm like, nothing's going to happen. I'm in my hotel room. I don't even have a fucking Snickers bar. Nothing's going to happen. You're going to be fine. All these people going out gathering up fucking food for what? People, do you realize how long you can go without food? Food is no big deal.

You need water. That's what the fuck you need. That's what you need. I'm actually looking here on whogivesafuck.com. How long can a person survive without food and water? Basically, it depends on a number of factors such as body weight, genetic variations, other health considerations, whether you're a fat fuck or not. Most importantly, the presence or absence of dehydration.

As long as you got water, people, you can basically go 46 to about 73 days without food. Then that was based on 10 individuals who died on a hunger strike. And they all died between 46 days and 73 days. As long as they drank water. If you don't have water, I believe you're dead in about three days. All right? So enough with the fucking milk and eggs. All these soccer moms now for the next fucking three weeks.

Who wants cereal? Who wants, what are you having cereal? And you're having an omelet. This isn't going to go to waste. These fucking people telling you to fill up your goddamn bathtub full of, full of, full of water. Just in case. Jesus fucking Christ. I'd rather die than drink out of my bathtub.

All right? I washed my fucking dog in there. I'm not drinking out of that thing. Why can't I just stick my head out the window and drink the raindrops? I think those windows be cleaner. Then the goddamn tub that I wash my dog in and then hit with chemicals. Love stomach cancer by the time the fucking rescue boat comes. You just get water, everybody.

Get water. Get yourself a couple of fucking zagnut bars. And then go down, go down, go down to a goddamn fucking 7-Eleven and go buy a $8 poncho. You're fine. You're in a house. You're fine. Fucking people with weather change. They cost me half my goddamn gig money.

We could have had shows. We could have had shows Saturday night. It was raining hard Saturday night. It could have done both shows. Everybody could have got their fucking laughs. Everybody goes home. And then at night, oogily boogily. The fucking hurricane.

You know, hurricanes come through the northeast. It's like an old prize fighter by the time it comes to us. It's all fucking punch drunk and people have no business standing out in it because they should have got knocked out, have no fucking problem, and they just sit there laughing at it. That's what it is. That's what a hurricane is in the northeast. You know, when it's down south, it's Cassius Clay.

Right before he becomes Muhammad Ali. By the time it gets up to Jersey and New York, it's fucking Ali when he fought Larry Holmes. Every fucking time. Yet, these people, they all run out. The Weather Channel. How long you guys, you guys think Fox News lies to you? Or CNN, depending on what side of the political fence you're on?

You want to see some lies? Put on the Weather Channel. Any time there's a storm, scaring the shit out of you. Every time there's going to be, it's going to be four to six inches. Holy shit, that's almost up to my calves. How will I ever get to where the food is? Four to six inches. Jesus Christ.

Who are they talking to? 80-year-olds? Even then, you know, 80-year-old people, they'll be fine. They're already wearing a sweater. They're dressed for a blizzard year-round. Does anybody work for the Weather Channel? Does anybody listen to my podcast? Can you please tell me?

Well, who's behind? Yeah, I think the supermarkets are behind that. Right? Ralph's, Shaw's, Gelson's, fucking Whole Foods, all of them. That's their payola. You know, with the big-time corporations, they wait for the political elections. That's when they start throwing their money around and start calling up a truck full of hookers to go blow some Bible-belt and douchebag, right?

I'm married, I got five kids, I love my wife and I love Jesus. Support the troops, right? Then what do they do? They throw a big pile of money at them, have two, three whores drop to their knees, and what happens next, huh? He comes on his blue blazer. That's what happens, everybody. Goes all over his red tie, and then he goes, ah, Jesus Christ.

All right, you got me. You own me. You got video of it. Just tell me what you want me to do. I will pass any bill you want me to pass for the love of God. Don't let my wife see that. That's basically how that works. Well, let's stay on track here.

Okay, the fucking Weather Channel. Does anybody listen to my podcast? Work? Did they ever work? Can you give me any sort of anonymous behind-the-fucking-scenes over there? Why every time it's just going to rain? Do they scare the living shit out of us? Why is that?

You know? How often are they right? It's always downgraded to a tropical storm by the time it comes here. Someone was telling me the entire East Coast, the way it's shaped, that's from years of hurricanes. Comes right into Florida and Georgia, South Carolina. Gives it a nice fucking uppercut to their southern balls. And then slows the fuck down. Right over the Carolina, Virginia.

You know? Then what? Time it hits DC. Barack Obama's out on the porch. Drying off his nuts with those nice win. That nice hurricane win, right? Oh, Jesus. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I just want to fucking go home. I was actually thinking, you know, when you fuck up in life, you're like, God, if I could just go back 48 hours, how would I do this differently? There's an avus in the lobby of my... Jesus has a callback. Remember this time we left this comedian? He was always late. We had a car service to the airport. We were so sick of waiting for him, we were going to miss our flight.

We just took off without him. We said, fuck him. We got halfway to the airport and he calls up. We're all pissed off. He's like, yo, where the fuck were you? Where the fuck were you? We're like, dude, we waited for you 20 minutes. You didn't show up.

And he's like, I was in the lobby. And that became the catchphrase for the rest of the tour. I was in the lobby. Anytime you fucked up and people were calling you on some shit, you went over your time. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. I was in the lobby. Oh, and it made us laugh. I don't know if it made you laugh.

I don't give a shit. What are you expecting from me? I'm stranded. I feel like I'm being held hostage and my captors forgot about me. You know? Or maybe it was just all a practical joke. I have no idea. So whatever.

Here I sit. You know, is anything sadder than a stranded comedian with no shows to do? They got a 24 hour gym downstairs. I haven't used it. I've been talking to you guys about all the way to eat, the way to lose weight. I haven't been doing it. I'm eating pizzas. I had fish and chips today.

I had fucking hamburgers. This is all during a hurricane. Big bad hurricane. I reigned. Fucking overrated. So I'm sitting here. I realized, you know, tomorrow I'm like finally I'm getting the fuck out of here. Go home.

I can see my girl. I can see my dog. Right? Can have a good fucking time. You know? Can cruise around in my hybrid. That's what I was looking forward to doing. And all of a sudden I realized I was stranded here.

So what do I do? Do I handle it like a man? Or do I start cursing like a little bitch? You know what the answer is. So once I'm done having my fucking temper tantrum, excuse me, I ask the fish and chips. I say, all right, I'm going to rent a fucking, rent a movie here in the hotel. So I go to rent a movie. It's called catching hell.

It's a documentary about the guy with the glasses who was at the Cubs game. Who reached up for that foul ball that Moises Alou was allegedly going to catch. So I hit the info to watch the trailer. And they're talking about, they got this guy on there going and says how he worked for Sports Illustrated. And his assignment was to find this guy. What the fuck? His name was Steve Mizorak. I don't know.

I'm not from Chicago. So I don't give a shit. I don't know what his name is. All right. His assignment was to find this guy. And he goes, my heart sank, you know, because I actually felt for this guy. I didn't want to go see him. And I said to my editor, why can't we just leave this guy alone?

Can't we just leave the guy alone? And he goes, no, go find him. And then they start showing the highlights of this dude. And for those of you who don't know the play, basically the Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908, you know, they're a game away from going. They're five outs away from going to the fucking World Series. Sorry to all the Cub fans. Just hit fucking mute for the next 10 minutes. They got the five outs away.

So some dude right left-handed batter hits a slicing foul down the left field line. It's right there. And the Cubs left fielder, Moises Alou, he's got a chance to make a play. And all the all these fans reach up to grab the ball, but it just hits one guy. And Moises Alou flips out because he doesn't catch it. And he sort of yells towards the fans like, what the fuck? I could have caught that. And then after that, the wheels start falling off.

But they got a double play ball. Gonzalez could have made it, but he booted it. And then they let up eight runs. They lose the game. And then they lose game seven. And then everybody wants to murder this fucking kid. So this guy is basically sold that they're going to basically interview the guys as far as I could fucking tell. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, that's fascinating.

Let me watch this. God knows I got the time. Let me watch this movie. All right. So I go to order it. And it doesn't allow me to. So I got to call downstairs to have the, you know, I don't know what somebody had kids or something. They didn't want to rent a porno.

So I had to get that, you know, switched over so I could actually be an adult and pick out a movie. So I watched this fucking thing. All right. About the Cubs. About their history. About their curse. About this poor bastard. That got used as the scapegoat.

This is what I was sold. This is the bill of goods I was sold. Okay. After 36 hours of being lied to by the fucking weather channel, I want some truth in my life. This is what you're telling me this thing is about. This is how you're advertising it. I want to see it. Do you know what the first 15 minutes of that movie was?

It was taking me through the Red Sox in 1986 as they excruciatingly slowly replayed the Bill Buckner incident. And I'm sitting there watching it. All of a sudden I'm looking at Bill Buckner. I'm like, what did I order the wrong fucking thing? I don't want to see this shit. Do you understand? This is like my baseball 9-11. I don't ever want it.

The 10 year anniversary of 9-11 is coming up. I don't want to watch any of that. I don't ever want to see that footage again. How the fuck could you ever forget it? It's absolutely fucking horrific. Horrific. I don't want to see it. I don't need to see it to remember it.

It's our Pearl Harbor. My grandmother still doesn't like Japanese people because of Pearl Harbor. Okay, if she can remember that shit, I don't think I got a problem remembering something 10 fucking years ago. Okay, so now, anyways, total fucking tangent there. So I'm watching this thing and for the first 20, just to warn Red Sox fucking fans. The first fucking 15 minutes of this movie is the Bill Buckner thing. The thing that we left behind. It's so funny because Paul Verzi just texted me the night before during the hurricane.

Typical fucking Yankee fan. Typical Yankee fan living in the past. He texts me. He goes, hey Bill, what was worse for a Red Sox fan? He goes Buckner or Aaron Boone. Just out of nowhere. We weren't even talking baseball. And I was just like, I was like neither, dude.

It's like, I don't even think about that shit anymore to be honest with you. And then he gets mad at me. Typical Red Sox fan, terrible fucking answer, blah, blah, blah. I don't know what he wanted out of me. So I just text him back. It's like, dude, I haven't thought about that shit since 2004. It's over. You know what it is?

It's Yankee fans used to be able to bully Red Sox fans about that shit because we hadn't won one forever. You know? So they just, I think that they miss. They're kind of like our big brother who just beat the shit out of us forever. And then one day we were the same height and kicked the shit out of him. You know? And then they just, they, it was over. We're not scaredy anymore.

We expect to beat you. It's fucking over. And I think they still don't know what to do. You know? Wait a minute. We used to tease you and we used to always win. And yeah, now you don't. Now you don't.

Now we got this, the biggest choke of all fucking time has hung around your neck. That'll never be beaten. When do you guys think another $220 million, $10 million team, whatever the fuck it was, with five first ballot hall famers that are going to lose four games in a row, have to be in up three games to none? I'm asking you to a fucking team that hasn't won a World Series in like a hundred years. Right? He had just asked me about that.

And I swear to God, I had not thought about Buckner. Yeah, since like 2004. It was fucking, it was over. It was great. I don't even give a shit now. I don't even give a shit. And I got to tell you, it's phenomenal to sit down and watch a Red Sox game and expect something good to happen.

And when something bad happens, you get upset at the player rather than some sort of specter or some sort of ghost or some ugly, boogly horseshit, right? So I'm going to watch this fucking thing. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they're showing, I mean, dude, they broke, they almost broke down Bill Buckner more than they broke down this poor Cubs fan. And in the end, the dude doesn't get the interview. There's no interview. They just, but I still recommend it.

I'm still recommending it because they show, they talk to the people, some people, I guess they found the people who like threw beer at them. They talked to the security guard. He was removing him, giving him shit that he now feels bad that he did. And they have the footage of him going out of the ballpark and putting the jacket over him. It's fucking amazing what happens to this dude. And I totally recommend it, but I just, there should have been some sort of warning for

a Red Sox fan. It was like walking, go running into your old psycho girlfriend, somebody who stalked you or something, just somebody you just hadn't even thought about 2004, seven years. I haven't thought about that shit. I haven't even thought about that in fucking seven years. And all of a sudden, this documentary about the Cubs, they just go blow by blow through the Buckner thing. Because I guess they wanted to show how Buckner was used as the scapegoat, despite the fact

Bob Stanley threw the wild pitch. And how this kid was used as the scapegoat for the Cubs, despite the fact that Gonzalez booted a fucking double play ball, which would have got him out of the inning. I don't know. It's definitely interesting, but I was more than upset. And they even show the Aaron Boone homerun, which I don't even remember because that was basically annoying for about 12 months because it was immediately rectified. But it was just one of those things.

I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I gotta be honest with you, I never really felt bad for Cubs fans. I never did because, you know, they didn't have that anger. They're the Midwest. I don't know what it is. They're positive. I don't know what it is.

They just didn't have that anger or misery. You know, with the Red Sox back in the day, it was every Yankee's success was our failure. And with the Cubs, they just, you know, hey, let's play two. Zippity-doo-dah! Was it a big fucking keg party? You know? It's like they didn't even give a shit. Even then, that curse was stupid.

The curse of the goat was just fucking stupid. Made no sense. It's a ballpark. You got a goat. It doesn't belong here. It's gonna shit all over the place. Get it out of here. I curse you.

Really? Any fucking ways. So they actually bring up what, like, scapegoat. I'm actually ruining this entire thing. You probably don't have to fucking rent it. They start talking about what is how they came up with that terminology, the scapegoat. And it went back to religion, oh geez, that I guess back in the day, I don't know what the hell religion it was.

They're all fucking stupid when you really get down to it. Other than they do one-to-other stuff that every religion has. They would basically have a goat. They bring a goat in and I'm thinking, all right, they're gonna sacrifice it or whatever. And they wouldn't. This place would blaze hands on a goat for once instead of some unsuspecting child. Oh, a little molestation joke for you. How'd you guys like that?

Huh? Do you like that on your Monday? Do you think that that was crossing the line? Well, fuck you. I'm stranded in New Jersey. Fucking New Jersey. Huh? Jesus Christ, what a bunch of animals.

What amazes me about New Jersey is how they still support John Bon Jovi or the Bon Jovi band to the point that that band can sell out giant stadium. Still. Unbelievable. That's Jersey for you. How many thousand people singing along? Lay your hands on me. Your love is like bad medicine.

Is that my name or what I need, whoa. Fucking acid wash as far as the eye can see. Dirty Jersey. Actually, I think New Jersey underrated is New Jersey. It's fucking phenomenal. All these New York snobs. Paul Versey being one of them. I'm really trashing him this week.

Paul Versey is your typical New York snob. And I hope you're listening to this, Paul, or I hope when somebody sends this to you. Yeah, he's a snob. He's one of those guys who just thinks because he's on the other side of an imaginary line that all of a sudden, I don't know what, that the trees are greener. The grass is gray. I don't know what the fuck it is. You know what I really realized?

Most New Yorkers judge New Jersey on their drive to Newark Airport when they go buy all those chemical plants. Look at it. It's a fucking shithole. Oh, right? Despite the fact that all some of the most major celebrities live here, what do you think they live? Next to the plant, all those fucking guys down on Wall Street, the children of the Illuminati,

they all live out there in Red Bank with their fucking Rockefeller estates. I know, but they got New Jersey license plates there for it. It must suck. Anyways, let's get back to the scapegoat. So basically, the priest would take a day off from Diddle and Kids, and he'd lay his hands on a farm animal. And one would think he would grab the horns and then start fornicating. But that's another story.

What they would do with the goat is he'd lay his hands on it. And he would basically somehow, I guess after everybody confessed to this douchebag, he would then place all of the sins on the goat, and then they would just banish the goat and send it out of town with all the sins, and then everybody's souls were going to be clean again. But this is the funny thing. As the goat left, people would line up on either side of the street, and they would heckle the goat, and cheer at him, yeah, you fucking adulterous piece of shit.

Yeah, why don't you jerk off again, you cunt. Just yelling about the sins that they did. I don't know what it was. Yeah, keep stealing from the pot at work, you selfish prick. Yelling at a farm animal. You know, I swear to God, I would love to have a segment on here of all the stupid fucking things that they do in religion, that people, you know, there's no fucking way there wasn't somebody like me back then going, dude, this is fucking, why are we yelling at a goat?

You know, I mean, you banged somebody's fucking wife, you stole money from work, you know, you booted an old lady in the ass, do you really think it's in the goat now, and it's just walking? I just don't fucking get it. Even if they filled your head up with it as a kid, at some point you got to be looking at it like this is a fucking goat, it's got nothing to do with it. So anyways, they would just jeer at this thing and they'd send it out of town and then everybody would be absolved, and I don't know where the goat would go, sometimes they say they

take the goat and they would throw it off a cliff, you know, and it's extra painful for me because I fucking love goats. I really do. I was actually feeding some this morning. I don't know what it is about them, I think they're fucking hilarious, you know, I got this buddy who lives out here, right, he's got this giant house, all this fucking land, and he's got farm animals on it, and I'm thinking he's got these fucking things because he's like me, he thinks goats are funny or whatever, and it isn't.

I found out that there's tax laws out here that if you farm on your land, you only have to pay property taxes on one acre. So he went out and got these goats, he doesn't even give a shit about them. Can you fucking believe that? He's got like 10 goddamn goats, and he has to go out there with his bucket of feed every day. He's got to feed these things, and his heart isn't in it, that's what kills me. It's just, just pay the taxes.

If I, it would be worth it to not get up there with that lunch pail of Cheerios every fucking morning. Jesus, fucking Christ, what is wrong, it's just money, it's paper, who gives a fuck? You just, you know, work a couple extra hours, fuck it, what do I owe you? You sit down, you write numbers on a piece of paper, you stick it in a magic envelope, you fucking lick it, you send it out. Next. Jesus Christ, are you going to sit there and have a bunch of goddamn livestock?

This fucking guy, I swear to God. If you had a giraffe, oh, what do you guys want? What do you guys want? Hang on, this is the hotel. Yeah, sorry about that, I had to go answer the phone, I couldn't even figure out how to work the fucking phone, there's probably somebody above me, that's probably yelling too loud. God knows what they were mad about.

You know, just thinking about some of this shit I've made fun of, you know, Jesus, Beastiality and Bon Jovi, you know, they all hold the same weight here in New Jersey. The hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, this fucking guy, I swear to God, if he would get a giraffe, he'd get like five giraffes if he only had to pay like a quarter acre tax. That always amazes me when people like that end the money, you know? I mean, I obviously give a fuck about money, I want to have enough to survive, but the amount of shit that didn't work and I never took it back just blows my mind.

I probably kept at least 25 grand worth of shit that doesn't work in my life. I just, ah, you gotta be shit, hey, see, what the fucking problem, these fucking pieces of shit, I go off, then my girl goes, oh, why don't you return it, ah, I'm not doing that shit, standing down there with the sales slip like some angry old fucking lady, I'm not doing it. Who the hell would be calling me, now I'm all self-conscious, whatever, if I'm too loud, knock on my door, I swear to God, I bet it was the Bon Jovi shit. Anyway, so let's get on with the podcast, this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody,

if you're new to this podcast, welcome. This is yes, and if you're thinking this is extra dirty and extra angry this week, no, this is how it is, every fucking week, all right, do one of these every week, I do them on Monday mornings, because I know most people hate their jobs, or they hate their commute, they hate their spouse, or they hate themselves, you know, and they need a break, and it's also a great way to whore out wherever the fuck I'm gonna be, speaking of which, I am gonna be in Columbus, Columbus, Ohio, at the funny bone, down at the mall, not bragging, on the September 9th, 10th, and 11th, that is my next gig, I'm gonna try to go to that

Ohio State game, you know, it's in September, that's always a dangerous one, you know, to go to a college football game in September, who are they playing, huh? They playing Wentworth Technical Institute, you know, I'm new to college football the last couple of years, and evidently that's what they do, they got all their cupcake games in the beginning of the year, and I guess these other colleges, they pay money to play these giant teams and get the living shit kicked out of them on television, just to, I don't know what, to expose, to get TV exposure for their school, I have no idea, speaking of scapegoats, their entire fucking Division 3 team goes out there, a bunch of, against

a bunch of roided up Division 1 guys, or whatever the fuck they're doing now, I don't know, and then they get the shit kicked out of them, but I don't know, every once in a while, an Appalachian Mountain State Community College will beat a Michigan, so I don't know who they're playing that weekend, but I'm gonna go down there. I was looking forward to it until I spent fucking 14 straight days on the road, but anyways, the podcast, anyways, if you want to, if you want to me to read any emails, any questions you have, any or underrated, overrated, send them to bill at themmpodcast.com, if you like to follow along on the podcast, go to www.themmpodcast.com, now a lot of you guys keep just typing in

mmpodcast.com and like, what the fuck, I can't find it, it's themmpodcast.com, like the Ohio State University, okay, that's what it is, that's where all the YouTube videos are, that's where you can contact me and all of that stuff. We have a donation button, if you'd like to donate any sort of money towards the podcast, we'd greatly appreciate it, and we also have the podcast select, and this is where I interview interesting people, I've only done one of them, but I like to speak of them as if it's a giant library, I got one, they're 99 cents, there's a great way to contribute, 99 cents and you get something, if you want to listen to NFL football star, write tackle E from

Salam, talk about trying to rip somebody's voice box out as the guy tried to fucking break his arm, that interview is there, and I will be doing Monday morning podcast selects as I meet interesting guests, that's how I'm doing them, alright, when somebody different, okay, because I don't want to interview other comedians, I just feel too many podcasts are doing that, I've done too many podcasts talking about comedy, I don't have any comedy stories left, I really don't, and I got to be honest with you, aside from a couple of people who are really good interviewers, the Mark Marins, Joe Rogan's and that type of shit, I probably should have saved most of them for the unmasked that I did with Ron from Ron and Fez, I don't

know where you can find that, but I did one of those this past week, and I just been running my yap all fucking week, why don't we get to something entertaining here, somebody sent me this YouTube video this week, you really have to watch it, it's one of those shows, basically it's a rip off of the view, it's four broads sitting around, and they got the same thing, they got the older one, they got the sexy one, they got the one who was fat and then got her fucking stomach tied up like a goddamn balloon knot, now she's dropping weight faster than a junkie, I don't know if that's true, I just looked around them, they got the racially mixed chick, and they all got on their fucking shoes, their little

outfits, hang on a second, hang on a second, somebody's knocking, I'll let you know what this is, alright you guys aren't gonna believe this shit, that was security, and they just said that they had a noise complaint, there was a lot of, the guy comes to, I go to the door right, this is so pathetic that at 43 I'm getting reprimanded, I feel like I'm in fucking high school, and I talk like it too, let me adjust the levels here, or maybe turn up yours, because I don't want to get kicked out of here, until I open the door, and there's this security guard, and he goes, are you Ben? And I'm like no, because I know that he knows my name's Bill, but this is the thing, when security interrogates you,

you never offer any information, you know, are you Ben? No, and I just looked at him like is there anything else I can help you with? And he's like, he looks down on a piece of paper, oh, are you Bill? And I was like yes, yes I am, and he goes, yeah we, we get a noise complaint, from people on either side of you, these are VIP rooms, on either side of you, and talking about, it's very loud, there's a lot of cursing, and I'm like alright, he goes is there anyone else, oh wait, wait, wait, he told me can you step out in the hall? And I go, for what, he goes I need you to step out in the hall, and I said for what? And then he just goes into his spiel, you know, what the fuck do I need you to step

out in the hall for? Am I going to be able to hear you better? You know, sitting there acting like you're a goddamn state trooper, with your fucking sport coat on, that has the name of the hotel on the lapel, I'm supposed to step out in the hall, I don't know who you are, right? I'm such a dick, it's ridiculous, right, so I made him basically say, I just stood in the doorway, and he asked me, is there anybody else in there? And I was like no, and then yeah, that's what he basically said, that I'm being too loud, ah Jesus Christ, I was cursing, I think it was, you realize he said there's people on either side trying to sleep, and I was singing Bon Jovi songs at the top of my fucking lungs, alright, and

I was also talking about bestiality, and I was trashing Jesus, you know what, this hotel is cool as hell, because when you really think about it, they probably should have kicked me out, alright, so this is going to be my voice for the rest, this is Bill on punishment voice, I'd like to apologize to everybody here at the Sheridan, anyways, you know what, some rich cunts on the other side of the door with a fucking piece of one of those really fancy glasses that they think came from France, but actually came from a fucking pottery barn, if you can hear me, go fuck yourself, this is what you get for nuke in the economy, alright so anyway, so I'm watching this show, these four fucking brats on it, okay, this is nothing

too, he told me this is your one and only warning, next time you'll be, did he say ejected from the hotel, he had such hacky security, like terminology, you know, I don't fucking know, do you know how bad I just want to yell cunt at the top of my lungs right now, and get ejected from the fucking hotel just so I can get out of Jersey, maybe I should call up Paul Verzi and tell me to, you know, fuck that, that's what I'm going to do, after this podcast I'm calling up Paul Verzi, and I'm having them coming down and getting me, alright, don't fucking threaten me, next time I come up here, what are you my fucking dad, fucking douchebag, ah Christ, I swear to God, you know what's funny about the male voice, is

it carries, you ever notice that, when there's a couple next door, you can never hear the woman's voice, you just hear the guy every once in a while go, you know, you never hear the broad so, I'm probably going to get kicked out, what do I do, and you know what, go fuck yourself, I'll take a cab back to New York, then of course they probably won't show up because they're still afraid, afraid of the weather channel, anyway so these four fucking broads are on TV, right, and they ended up, they're talking about that guy, they're doing that story, you know, that story where that dude got his dick cut off, I'm going to have to raise the levels here, there we go, how's that, is that better, alright, so they're talking

about that guy who got his dick cut off, his wife drugged him, tied him to a bed, cut his dick off, threw it in a garbage disposal and turned it on, and it was basically because he wanted to get a divorce from her, she mutilated him, she ended the guy's fucking life, and he saw quality life is over, and these women are talking about it, and lo and behold, it's fucking hilarious to him, they had all they could do to keep his straight face during the first minute of setting up the story, and then all the jokes come, and they're laughing, they're fucking asses off, it's the funniest fucking thing ever, and this right here, it's because of that type of shit, that I don't feel that I am misogynistic, I just don't,

I think that I am just like women, I trash women the way they trash guys, it's just nobody pays attention to the broads, they don't, do you think if a guy mutilated a woman in any shape or form, that four guys on a pregame NFL show would be laughing about it, Sharon Osborn was the guest and she goes, somebody asked, do you think the guy deserved, and she goes, well it depends on what he did, you know, I mean, that thought is totally overlaps the thought of those morons in the Middle East who cut women's clits off, you know, it's fucking medieval thought, and it's just considered silly, I don't know what it is, I don't know, but it maintains what I've always fucking said, that women will

do to you exactly what they don't want you to do to them if you let them, and I think why so many guys are miserable in marriages is they get married too fucking young before they really know how to stick up for themselves in a relationship, and that's why before you know it, you're married, and all your shit is either in the basement or the garage, and she's barely touching it, and you're wondering what the fuck happened to your life, you know, I don't know, the video is going to be up on themmpodcast.com, you know something, this is actually, I like this, talking like this, this is very challenging to try and be funny with a late night DJ voice, alright, this next chunk of the podcast goes out to the

ladies, ladies if you're out there in your single, hang in there, there's a date rapist on the horizon, this next song, rape me by Nirvana, it goes out to all you cunts, I know there's somebody, some Vanderbilt on either side of me going, he's cursing again, anyways being on the road, what did I want to talk about, bitches laughing at dick being cut off, already talked about that, wanting to go home, talked about that, alright last week I was, I, we showed that YouTube clip about that guy running on that soccer field, and getting, you know, getting beat down by the cops, and then the crowd overwhelms the cops and beats down the cops, and I wanted to hear from the police officers, to just ask, basically

why there's such dicks when they pull you over, not in a judgmental way, but just, I'm just basically asking the question the way all drivers talk, so we have a cop responding here, he says, hey Bill, not all cops are assholes, some are just lazy, the summer after my sophomore year, oh no, no, no, this is a different one, what the fuck is the one from the cop, that's the one I want to hear, oh here we go, here we go, here we go, let's see if I can read this before being ejected from the hotel, you know what's gonna be the worst is if I do get ejected, this guy's gonna be standing here, with this security fucking jacket on in my hotel room watching me gather my things, so once again, I already have a

game plan for that, if I come, if there's another knock at my door, I'm not opening it, I'm gonna look through the peephole and I'm talking through the door, so will you open the door please, and I'm gonna go why, and I'm just gonna ask him straight out, am I being ejected from the hotel, yes sir, you need to let me in, and I'll just bolt the door, and I'm gonna be like listen, I'm gonna gather my things, I'll be out there in five minutes, you just sit tight, alright, you with no fucking badge, alright, what are you gonna do, take off your shoe, is that what you're gonna do, try and throw it through the crack in the door, it's not gonna hit me, what a fucking asshole, can you step up

into the hallway please, and go fuck yourself, huh, you fucking half a cop, you half a security guard, will I step out into the hotel, no I won't, okay then I'll just stay there then, you douchebag, anyways let's plow ahead, so here's a cup, okay Bill, the thing about this job is basically that we have no fucking idea who we are dealing with at any given time, just because someone looks sweet and innocent, and just because the situation isn't likely to escalate, doesn't mean that they're not capable of murder, or that the situation may go pear shaped quickly, I don't even know what that means, pear shaped, I don't know what a pear is shaped like, what shape is it before it goes pear shaped, is it an apple

shape, listen buddy you can't talk shop because you're gonna lose me, I'm not that bright a guy, anyways I can't tell you how many times that someone said to me like I'm gonna do anything, people, oh what about that person running upstairs huh, can you eject that eight year old out of the fucking hotel, alright, you know I feel like right now like either I'm announcing a golf match, or I'm reporting live from a hostage situation, okay they're talking to him right now, he still has the weapon up to the woman's head, you can clearly see that she's frightening, okay there's somebody flanking him on the left, okay he doesn't like, okay he's fired a shot, it missed, and oh they just took him down,

oh my god he's been shot in the head, and they have the woman, anyways here we go plowing ahead here, so anyways the amount of times this guy pulls people over and the person behind the wheel says like I'm gonna do anything, people think that I know, oh the people the drivers and stuff think that I know them their whole lives and know that they're incapable of harming anyone, but I don't, I always think back to the academy and all the videos we watched of cops getting killed or nearly killed because they made one mistake or had a lapse in the paranoia that keeps us safe, see that I knew it, I knew it was something that they showed them at the academy, I said another thing to remember is that there is a gun at every call and every traffic stop,

the gun on my belt, no man is invincible and a lucky punch can knock me unconscious leaving me vulnerable to take to them taking my weapon and killing me or others, for this reason we like to keep some distance, we don't like to be touched and above all we can't allow people to get the opportunity to take control of our weapon, so when someone squarely are not listening to my commands they may get cuffed and put in the back of my car until everything is figured out, they may not like it, but I am going home at the end of my shift not to the morgue, that leaves another point of control, no one likes to be bossed around and told what to do, but when the police are there we're there for a reason, someone called us or we have a reason to believe that we're needed,

once we're there we have to be in control, we call the shots not not forgo or to be on a power trip, but because if we lose control we're fucked, it's our ass if someone gets hurt in our present and it's literally our ass if we get hurt or killed, if someone thinks that they can do what they want or walk over me how am I supposed to do my job, as for the videos you recently posted those cops with the name changer were absolutely terrible, if there is a lawful warrant for that guy's arrest despite the reason it is their job to arrest him, the suspect knew about the warrant I don't know what video this is and didn't take care of it, now he has to see a judge, they should have just they should have used much more force to take him into custody, but the

reality of it is you can't just be able to keep passively resisting a cop until the cops let you go, they can't let you go, alright here we go the video at the stadium was disturbing, they shouldn't have been obviously jabbing the guy with their batons, but they had the right to take him into custody, people running around sports fields isn't and shouldn't be tolerated, are they supposed to stop the game and wait for him to be finished with running around, what if he assaulted or killed an athlete, then everyone would be crying that the cops didn't do anything, there's a great point, also when we deal with people 90% of the possible danger from them is their hands, if you're laying on your hands and I can't see them I will expect the worst, how am I supposed

to do, how am I supposed to know what they are laying, that they aren't laying on a weapon, when I want your hand give me your hand or I will use force to get them out, yeah, there you go, one last thing is tasers, they are amazing tools, I've been tased in training and yes it sucks but it beats getting thumped or shot, where in the old days a guy may get the crap beat out of him or his brain concussed, now he gets an electric ride for five seconds, it's also amazing because the suspect can be cuffed while being tased, basically less chance for everyone to get seriously hurt, why should I risk getting seriously hurt or killed going hands on with someone when they can just be tased, yeah, you know what somebody told me a long time ago,

if you want to make, if you get pulled over by a cop, a great way to help them relax and maybe bring down them being a dick to you is have your hands where they can see them, you know, if it's during the day I always put them like right on the steering wheel, I get pulled over a lot by the way, not as much, I guess back in the day I did because I used to just drive 80 miles an hour anywhere I was going, you know, there's only so many fucking farms you can look at, you know what's funny is I'm still nervous about getting thrown out of here and the only reason why is because some of the roads are washed out and I don't know where the fuck I would go, but I don't know why I'm nervous because I'm now speaking in a speaking tone, if I'm not allowed to

speak, you know, this is actually great stuff, what if I show the hotel security my hands, maybe he'll allow me to stay, so anyways, yeah, I put my hands right on top of the steering wheel where they can see them, if it's a sunny day, I have one hanging out the car window where they can see it and the other one I just put on top of my head like an ape chilling out in the zoo, you know, when they sit there and they just have that one arm draped over their head, I sit like that and then when they show up, I just have my hands on the steering wheel and you know what, they're still assholes, you know, it's kind of a crapshoot, you know, so but I think this guy brought up a lot of great points, what the fuck is he supposed to do and that's a great

point if the guy ran on the field and did something to an athlete, then they would blame the security and they would be screaming and yelling at them, you know, which probably goes back to the weather channel that if they don't scare the living shit out of people, that they would get blamed for not warning people, but I think it has more to do with scaring people, gives them great ratings. So I don't know anymore cops want to weigh in. I here's one for you, I want to know what do you guys think about that, you can anonymously talk about this as cops that kid who got shot on the subway platform and died New Year's Day in Oakland, the dude definitely wasn't being compliant, he definitely wasn't giving them, showing him his hands and

this guy, I don't know, he's like the Manchurian candidate, all of a sudden the guy said the wrong thing, the guy's laying on his stomach, one cops got his foot on his neck, I mean that the dude is down. And all of a sudden this one kid just stood up, takes out a gun and just shoots the guy right in the back and the dude's like what the fuck you shot me. And he ended up dying. You know, what about that one that that's that's one, this is what I should say for the podcast select because that's what I want to ask. And then I want to like just have somebody go on there anonymously and just say what you think about it should have that cop gone to jail. Because he got what basically usually happens when a cop shoots somebody is he got off. I don't know.

But I don't want to I don't want to do this whole cop thing attacking cops. I'd like to try to create some sort of forum where you can actually anonymously present your side and not worry about pissing off other cops, or worry about pissing off victims or any of that type of shit. Because I think it's one of those things for some reason. I guess I know why the reason is it's too much shit at stake. So people don't talk about it. That could have been a lot more fun topic. I didn't have to speak in my time out voice. This is officially the first MM podcast time out. Oh, no, wait a minute, that fucking old bastard downstairs. You know, something I think I'm a loud asshole. I think that that's what it is. You know, on both sides of the country, I've been told that I'm too

loud and I need to shut the fuck up. So, you know, at some point, you got to look in the mirror and realize that you all right, let's plow ahead of here. All right, advice for the week. Bill, I've known this young lady for a few years and we're very fond of each other. But she has had she's had she has a possessive boyfriend with a stupid haircut and a couple of times when she's broken up with him, she's come to me. But then she goes back to macro man. This is the thing that bothers me. Whenever things have gotten gotten sexual between us, like I go down on her and blow her fucking mind. This guy has definitely got confidence. He goes, she never returns the favor. She gets disgusted. She even gets disgusted if I sulk in my seat that I didn't get any dude

sulking is like, I don't I'm not gonna sit here and act like I know what turns women on but I can tell you the exact opposite of turning a woman on if you want to have the exact opposite Spanish fly would be sulking. Nothing makes a pussy dry up like sulking. Just let you know right there. Okay. But nothing makes it wetter with complete indifference. Anyways, once she said callously, oh after she did after the guy went down on and then she eating get a blowjob. She once callously said have a wank to alleviate my horniness after having her completely naked on my chair, worshiping her and pleasuring her holes. Jesus Christ, buddy. Thank God I'm not yelling. That one right there would have kicked me out. It was just me with the styrofoam cup. Another time when

we had intercourse, we were drunk. She stopped me halfway through. And she even stopped halfway through a shit doing you a favor handjob. She's never made me come. These are the only examples of when she tried to get me off. And I'm a good looking chappy. So it's not that. Recently, I boycotted her body. I said, let's be friends to be strictly platonic. I won't even play with her norks. I'm guessing that's her titties. This is this has had the result of her trying to rekindle things like the old magic. If she's not that into me, what the fuck is going on? I'm finished with her. But any insights you can give is a treasure. Alright, first of all, dude, you're not finished with her. Just halfway through writing that, you probably realized what a sap you were being.

All right. Okay, first of all, who's couldn't who you're, you're fucking with a psycho. Alright, and I don't know, this is a very, this is a very touchy one to talk about here. But this girl strikes me as one of those girls who wants to be put in her place and wants to be bent over something and wants a guy to tell her what the fuck is what. Alright. Okay, consensually. Do you understand what I mean? Okay, don't take this the wrong way, go in and just fucking give her a forearm, give her a forearm shiver. Right. I'm not saying to do that. Alright. You know, some girls are cunts, and they know they're a cunt, and they want to got to basically tell them that. It could be this. I have no idea. But I can tell you one thing right now, sulking, and keep coming back

for more. You're like Charlie Brown, she keeps pulling the football out. And you know, if you want to fuck this girl, walk away from her. Stop returning her phone calls and all that type of shit. You basically started to do that when your boy caught her to body, but then you said, let's be friends. That's a weak move. Okay. What's this girl I think wants to see you be a fucking man. All right. And you're not, you're going down on her, you're pleasing her. And she's doing everything, everything she can to disrespect you and you're allowing it. And I think that's turning her off. And I think she's a fucking sadistic psycho. So she's getting you off. She's leaving you with blue balls. You know, I don't know, that might be it, or she might

be fucking angry at something else. And she's taking it out on you. All I know, dude, is walk away from this girl. Just walk away from her. But for some fucking reason, you still want to banger one more time, blow her off, blow off her texts and her calls for like a week and a half, and then randomly answer one. And when you pick up the phone, just, just have a whatever vibe. Hey, what's going on? You haven't been returning my calls and make, or make texts. Yeah, I've been busy. What's up? You want to hang out now? Why not? Yeah, you know, I don't know. What do I want to hang up with you for? Get blue balls? You know, you're fucking selfish. You're fucking annoying. Leave me alone. You know, that's probably too angry. But just, I'm sorry, guys, I'm fucking angry right

now that I have to talk like this. Yeah, just blow her off and just be, you know, and when you go to meet her, meet her in a public place. Don't go over a place where she can immediately, she's going to dress extra sexy when you come over there because she's trying to get that power over you again. Meet her in a fucking public place and be talking to her as you kind of glancing around the room, you know, sort of hit on another girl while she's standing there. I'm telling you, you know, and when she asked you to go home with her, don't just say I'm cool or whatever. Yeah, fucking blow her off. If she ever calls you again, she wants to hang out or whatever, tell her to come over your place.

And the second she starts acting like a douche, kick her out. I don't know. What sucks about a girl like that is immediately you got to try to get into her head, then you got to start playing games. It's not worth it. There's too many decent girls out there who will, when they take the dick out, they will fucking complete whatever you want. So I would just walk away from her. Let's be friends. Jesus Christ, buddy. That and sulking you need to take those are the two parts of your game you need to work on this off season. All right. And then maybe next year you'll get the ring. Okay, good luck. All right, next one. Bill, I'm a cubicle dwelling suffocated engineer in Texas. I was rushed through the college machine

with all the rest of the cattle, destined to find a job, don some pleaded khakis and live the rest live the rest of our lives in a steadily paid servitude of the man. But a few years ago out of college, uh, oh, but a few years ago out of college and I hate it. I think you're saying I'm a few years out of college and I hate it. Uh, I wish I'd follow my desire to be some sort of a writer. And after listening to your podcast, among others and hearing from friends that I should have, I wish I'd given stand up a shot. Well, now I'm 30 years old, staring down the barrel of 35 more years as a cozy smug engineer, making six figures, but hating five out of every seven days of my life. I don't have any wife or kids, but I feel like I'm too old to jump back into being a starvin artist.

What do I do? Yeah, dude, this is on you. All right. I would never tell somebody who's got a six figure paying job to jump into this fucking awful business. All right. Um, but I would never tell you not to do it. All I gotta tell you is you can't half ass getting into this business. All right. Or you are going to be, you think you're hating your life now. Uh, just picture hating five out of every seven days, except you're making fucking you're making low five figures and you're old now and nobody wants to fucking book you. And you don't have any wife and kids. I'm telling you. All right. I'll give you this advice. If you decide to become a fucking comedian, there's no turning back. All right. And you got to go into it.

You can't even consider quitting and it has nothing to do with fucking talent. It has to do with desire. I'm telling you. Um, that's what I would say. So what I would do if I was you, I would keep my six figure job and I'd start doing some open mics. That's what I would do. All right. And if you feel in your heart as you're standing on stage that this is what the fuck you want to do with your life, I would do it in a second because six figures, seven figures, if you're miserable, it's not going to be worth it. All right. But I don't know if, you know, you're into comedy, you know, the way I'm into playing drums, drums are a hobby for me. I absolutely fucking love them, but there's no fucking way I would have, I was about to climb

into a van with three other fucking guys, you know, any pasta. I'm not going to do it. It just, I don't know. I actually played drums and I realized I didn't have it, you know, I didn't, I didn't have it as a musician and I didn't have that drive. But when I got on stage the first time and I did comedy, I just, I never look back. And I was just like, this is, I'm doing this shit. So there you go. So you have to answer those questions. So the best way to do it is to sign up for some open mics. All right, see how it goes and see how you feel. And like I said, if you feel like that's what you want to do, then I would, I would work towards it, but I would not quit that six figure paying job. You don't just quit your fucking job. You don't build up your time. So you

can swing out of that job into some fucking paid gigs. That's how I did it. I kept my day job until I moved to New York City and I'd saved up a bunch of money. You know, I'd paid off all my bills. I didn't have a car payment. I had nothing and I moved to New York and I had a nest egg of fucking money. And, and yeah, I've told these stories before. I ate fucking spaghetti every goddamn night, three pieces of bread filled up my stomach. And I just did stand up every night. And I just did, I just wasn't doing stand up. I was working towards getting better at it. Analyzing what I was doing wrong and you know, but I would, I would never tell you to quit your job. And I would also never tell you that you can't start comedy at 30 years of age because you can. All right. So there it is,

but it falls in your fucking court. All right, YouTube videos of the week. We had an earthquake here this past week. Best earthquake reaction. This is hilarious. It's like three guys on the MLB network or something like talking about baseball and all of a sudden the hurricane comes. It's fucking hilarious because people on the East Coast don't know what an earthquake feels like. So they're sort of looking around like, wait a second is anybody else feeling something moving in defense of them? I was one of those little shaken ones. So we sent some home videos of Peyton Manning as a kid, running around, whining or whatever. But I'm too hard on Peyton Manning. It's fucking ridiculous

how hard I am on this guy, but everybody whined as a kid. But it is still funny as a Patriots fan to watch. And here's two that I got. It's called fuck the police one. And this is hilarious. This is some guy, I don't know if he's in Brooklyn or what this black dude who knows his rights has been harassed by the police. She can tell his entire life or whatever, but he's screaming at the cops. That's the mistake he makes. They don't arrest him. But the shit he's saying, if he would just say it, if he just said it, I think he would have been fine, but he's screaming it. And it's really funny. It's actually, this guy goes on for like 20 minutes. And I've said before, it's all about not losing your shit. And this guy loses his shit. But I don't think he ever gets arrested,

but it's fucking hilarious. And here's a YouTube video of the week. This was actually suggested by Paul Verzi. Will Forte. And this is a sketch with Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning is fucking hilarious in this sketch. It's basically Will Forte. You know, everybody comes walking in, they're like a basketball team, and they get their asses kicked. And Will Forte comes in and basically tells people that they shouldn't quit and that he had a coach and they played him this song one time when his team was down by 60 points. And by listening to the song and amped him all the way up. And then he basically puts on some fucking song from the 1930s and starts dancing to it. And it's fucking hilarious underrated for the week. Will Forte guy is is fucking hilarious. And please

watch the director's cut of McGrewber. I highly recommend that. And what else do we got here? We got the woman cuts guys dick off all the four broads laughing at that. And I got one other one here. What the fuck is it? Hang on, hang on, hang on. I'm the worst. The fuck did it go? All right. Oh, wait, don't say it too loud. Don't curse too loud. We will eject you from the Sheridan. Oh, future gun owner. Oh, creepy game show host. There's another one that we have. Creepy fucking game show host used to see this. I can't believe that this guy actually was allowed on air. And I showed it to Bobby Kelly. And he was laughing at just this guy's fucking. The game show is basically a mother and a daughter. You know something they

already showed this on Tosh point. Oh, I really try not to do that because I figure everybody sees him. But we'll put it up there just in case. But Bobby Kelly actually showed me another one. And I don't know where the fuck this took place. It sounds like it's in Scandinavia. And this guy calls this kid up to sing a song and he basically just starts kissing his back. It's unbelievably disgusting. Nibbling on his ear in the back of his hair is this kid is singing. It's fucking brutal. All right, overrated, underrated for the week. And then I'm gonna fucking wrap this pot. Holy shit. I want 15 minutes. Time flies when you're whispering in a super eight overrated hand sanitizer. I've been sharing the company restroom with a bunch of

coworkers who believe using hand sanitizer is the equivalent or even superior to washing their hands with good old soap and water. It's not the rubbing alcohol in the hand sanitizer kills the bacteria and destroys virus presence on the hand. And that's about it. It does not physically remove the genital grime deposited on the hands after a guy has finished jiggling his junk to get rid of the last drops of piss. These people also use other commodities such as the company refrigerator therefore effectively covering every goddamn thing that they touch with their dead penis and vagina cells. All right, that guy is not short of descriptive adjectives. Overrated, lawns, people dump all kinds of chemicals to make them look pretty.

Personally, I prefer clean water over a pretty lawn overrated. The overnight, the other night I decided to have a nice wank and crash out for the night. So I hop on the generic porn site and started browsing. Next thing I know two hours have passed, I was still awake, hadn't wanked and barely even had a Fleetwood Mac, soft rock, half chub, etc. I didn't even watch a full video, which I think no one really does. Total fucking waste. Instead, I just used the girl's section of a hurly catalog I had laying around, which worked pretty well. Just so we all know. All right, underrated, paper grocery bags, plastic bags are given to you by default at all the grocery stores I've been to. They should give you paper. And if

you want plastic, you should have to ask for it. All right, this ends the comedy Monday, first Monday morning podcast comedy timeout. And I feel lucky because I did not get ejected from the hotel. That's it. I hope you enjoyed this weird ass fucking podcast. This podcast was like a Nirvana song. Started off loud, then got quiet, but never got loud again. So I guess it isn't. It's like the first. Oh, they'll shut the fuck up. All right, go fuck yourself. That's the podcast. I'm a rock and roll star. I'm a rock and roll star.

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