Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-3-17

Episode Date: August 3, 2017

Bill rambles about the Mooch, the Coast Guard and the Outcast Network.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. What's going on? Oh, it's been a sad week, you know, for standup comedians. It's been a sad week.

Joe DeRosa has decided to retire. No, I'm kidding. Why did I pick? Then I picked Joe DeRosa because his birthday is coming up. Everybody wished Joe DeRosa a happy birthday on Sunday. All right? On Twitter. You call them twinkle toes.

You call them whatever you want, but just wishing my happy birthday. Anyways, what am I talking about here? It's a sad day in standup comedy because that fucking Scarimucci guy got fired. I know it happened a few days ago, but I don't pay attention. I don't do a podcast every couple of days. What do you want from me? Huh? Well, Bill, you know, we'd like a, you know, you know, some douchebag sent me something

on Twitter. He goes, Hey, Bill, please read the news before you do your podcast. Um, North Korea shot off a nuclear warhead or a missile or something. And I'm saying my head goes, it wasn't nuclear with some sort of ballistic, whatever the fuck that means to giant M80 that could make it to Chicago. That's the way I heard it. And I looked it up and it wasn't nuclear. So I wrote him back guys, I go, it wasn't nuclear.

You fucking dope. Stop acting like you're too smart to listen to my dumb podcast. I don't know. And then whenever I call people out on them, they go, Oh, she's looking for a reaction. Oh, where are you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Take your comment and fucking go home. Right? You're not in the sandbox anymore. You're going to run away. Huh? You're going to go down there and hide under the skirt of your mother.

Huh? I'm scared. Mochi got fired. Fucking sucks. Everybody says they want somebody honest and this guy goes in and he literally just says what he's thinking. I didn't want to say that guy, Renzi Reince, R E I N C E. Tell me what it means to me. Um, Rents, he says is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac, whatever the hell that means.

And he goes, I'm not like Steve Bannon. I'm not trying to suck my old cock. I'm not trying to build my own brand. I'm here to serve the country. I mean, Jesus Christ. What more do you want from somebody in the White House? Is it because he said cock? Is it because he said fucking like these people who go in there like Obama, who speak eloquently

and just fucking, you know, hit a jump shot every fucking once in a while. Now, oh my God, he's so cool. I don't, I really don't, I've fucking given up on people, you know, but that's how people are. Remember when, when, when fucking, uh, when George Carlin died and what's his face, uh, the guy there who fucking was always grabbing, uh, whatever the hell he was doing, kept settling out of court, you know, like Led Zeppelin, yeah, he does his tribute to George Carlin. It's him sitting there shitting on him for fucking cursing too much.

I don't know. That's a fucking shame, man. That is a, that is a real fucking shame that that guy is gone, you know, so what are we going to, we're going to have somebody who, we're going to have a clean comic go in there who still lies his ass off, but where's the sweater? I mean, if you can get past cock and fucking, he basically said, I'm not here for my own needs. I'm not here to, to advance myself.

Actually, you know, that's a lie. All right. He's a liar too. But he was a fun liar. Come on. The guy was fun. He goes, I'm not a backstabber. I'm more of a front stabber.

I mean, this was like, it's like, what, what a fucking, somebody who watched good fellas too much got to be in the office, right? And he never took a debating class and no one ever told him not to curse into the microphone. I mean, isn't this, I mean, isn't that what the internet's all about? Isn't that why the internet blew up at the end of the fucking day? Isn't that why it blew up? It's not cause you wanted to go on there and research how fucking seagulls fly from one side of the beach to the other and all those other fun filled facts you can find on a website.

You went on cause you wanted to see titties. You wanted to see some pussy and you wanted some uncensored language. Isn't that what you wanted? And look how much better society is now because of the internet. You know something, if I was ever on the debating team, there wouldn't need to be another person there. I'm not good at debating. And second of all, I end up undoing all of my points during my argument.

You know? Like if you ever debated me, like the worst, the most apprehensive you'd get is you bring your eyebrows up like half like, oh, oh, okay. They come back then. Oh, okay. He just fucked the whole thing up. He just fucked it all up. Like Scaramucci did.

Yeah. Aren't you going to, oh, look who's here. Hey. I'm saying goodbye cause I know you're doing your podcast and then leaving. So. Where you guys going? Get that oatmeal on your forearm. We're just going to clean up and get ready to start the day.

Okay. Kiss. Goodbye. Little princess. You. Huh? You eating oatmeal and bananas just like your old man now, huh? We got to mush them up pretty good.

This is called the podcast, sweetheart. Are you going to talk about? Who? No. Why? Why? I'm talking about Scaramucci. The mooch.

The mooch. Oh, yeah. The daily news. Adios. Mochacho. Then the other one was, uh, Henry and now writing's writing where Henry Camille came up with mooch. There it is.

That's what he would have had for the fucking great. Okay. All right, ladies. Okay. I'll go to work. Bye. Bye. All right.

Um. Yeah. You know, something parenting has entered a new scary phase. This is where she's mobile. She's going mobile and I don't give a shit. Like if there was a cobra on the floor, she'd grab it by its neck and try to stick it into her mouth. I mean, I had her on the floor the other day.

I thought I had everything all cleaned up and I got one of these casino rugs. Basically, you know, the ones with all the different colors on and be like, oh my God, is that from the Orient? No, it's from fucking leech, man. Right. And, uh, it's fucking, you know, you can't see stuff. So I remember I was stretching before I worked out like an old man, I got a stretch, right? And I saw one of those spongy earplugs on, on the ground and I was like, no to self

pick that up. And I was just, you know, being a neat freak because I've never had a baby crawling around. So long story short, I'm hanging out here with my lovely wife, my daughter's crawling on the floor and I see her and her tongue looks like it's purple. And I'm like, what's, is that her tongue? What the fuck's going on with her tongue? And then she kind of was moving it around. I go, I guess it's all right.

Cause the earplug was purple, by the way. She wasn't like losing oxygen. And then he goes, yeah, no, she's looked down. She's fine. Oh Jesus Christ. I can't pull that out. And I can't even begin to tell you like the, when something like that happens to you, to your kid, when you drive to work, you get in a cab and you're going to, in the subway,

however the fuck you get to work, you ride a tricycle with the giant front wheel, however you get to work, you're not even paying attention to what you're doing. All that's going on is a fucking movie in your head that would make Stanley Kubrick fucking, I don't know what Stephen King, one of those fucking guys, freak out. Like just the stuff I was thinking about, like, you know, the worst case scenario of all of that. And now, so now there is nothing on the fucking ground, all right? We got those things.

They just stick on the tables on the corners, you know, so they don't hit the corner with their head. Evidently, it's okay. The rest of it, they fucking get themselves a face rub along the fucking dasher. What is the dasher? Most of you are going to ask because you're not hockey fans. That's the little ledge that goes around the boards, the fucking boards, dude. So anyways, we're doing the table read today for episode 303, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3.

So 303, we're moving along. We're doing episode 304 next week. We'll have five of them done by the end of the month and we'll be halfway there. Halfway there to writing and then rewriting and then the rewriting starts. But it's great. I think I feel like everybody knows the characters this year and we're cruising along. Knock on wood. Knock on wood.

So I think this will be a nice table read. But oh my God, every once in a while, a nice fucking layup comes in. You needed that guy. You needed scare a mooch to fucking balance out Trump because everybody's doing Trump jokes enough with the fucking Trump jokes. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh my God, what's going to happen? The same fucking thing that happened when Obama was in office, your morons, the exact

same fucking thing. Watch. Just watch. Watch how much are foreign policies. Watch how much in fucking corporations have to pay attention to the environment. Watch how much bankers go to jail. It's going to be the exact same fucking thing. And I'm not talking about minorities.

I'm not talking about illegal aliens. It's white people. Stop acting like your fucking life is going to change. Like somebody's going to come in and take your fucking SUV, your little fucking brand muffin or whatever the fuck else you got at Starbucks. All of these fucking assholes freaking the fuck out, which I understand. But where was this for the last fucking eight years? And the eight years before that, the APV, all the way back to Jimmy Carter.

It was the last fucking real man that was in the goddamn office. Look at him out there. He's not out there fucking doing paintings, waiting for his library to be built. He's out there building houses like a goddamn man. He's putting his fucking hammer where his mouth is. These other fucking guys just sitting around waiting for their library. You know, there's a room in all those presidential libraries that you go in there for the rest of your life.

And there's a groupie just standing there, right? And she just blows you the second you walk in. And the whole time she does, she's going, it's fucking true. All right. If you don't think that's true, then you need to get on the goddamn internet. Um, anyways, plowing ahead here, but he had a blue tie. He was the good guy. Um, anyways, people, I don't, I don't pay attention to politics.

I don't. I just do all of this shit so then people can air quote, correct me on the fucking on Twitter with their own misinformation. It's a little game I like to call. Oh, I don't have a name for it. Um, anyway, scaramucci. God damn it. That guy should have his own fucking podcast.

I would listen to that every fucking week. Isn't that what you do now? I love how everybody, when they get fucking, when they totally ruin their career, their first fucking option is what I do. They start doing standup. Remember Charlie Sheen? He fucking two guys, a girl in a fucking pizza place. He was on that.

Whatever the fuck his thing was, Hey, there's two guys and there's a kid and there's no shit. What are we going to do? I know, you know exactly what you're going to do. 200 fucking episodes and make it to syndication. Let me guess. Do you got two dates in the same fucking night? Now what are you going to do?

But up, but up, up. Here's the story. No wonder he ended up doing all those fucking drugs. So would I. How many fucking times can you just sit there? What would another episode, those poor people on those fucking sitcoms, man? Once you get up to like episode 80, 90, and just like, and you know that you don't care anymore.

You know, it's bad enough when you don't care and just the crews there. I just can't imagine walking out in front of that fucking studio audience. You know, you guys missed it. I was actually, I was in Hollywood during the fucking heyday of that shit. And I used to always hear these stories about all of these fucking shows. They would be in like the, they're in the seventh season and they'd be like, dude, they all heard, they don't come in until Thursday. You know, most of them don't even show up to the table read.

Then they would blow up rehearsal Tuesday and Wednesday. They wouldn't even fucking come in Thursday. They just do the blocking because they have it so down. You know, I know. I go sit on it, Richie. And then I jump in the air, cross my legs and sit in Howard Cunningham's chair. I got it. How many of these fucking episodes do we got to do, right?

They'd show up for the camera blocking, which is basically so you know where you stand, so you're going to be on camera and you won't block anybody else. And then the next day they do the taping. And then that was it. Um, anyways, these motherfuckers, he's, I bet he does a podcast, you know, they should start a podcast network. It's the outcasts, right? And it should be like fucking Paula Dean.

Um, uh, who's that guy? Who's that fucking really weird guy, Glenn Beck, that, that guy, Jesus Christ. You know, I used to watch him just to feel emotionally stable. He was like a character out of wrestling, like kind of like a fucking, I don't know, like one of those high pitched, uh, who's that high pitched guy who had the megaphone? It was like Bret Hart, except he was built like that guy from Gladiator. Was it Gladiator? I forget what that movie was called.

Um, anyways, they should have them, Bill O'Reilly, should just stick them all in the same network. And they just sell them like, you know, the mainstream couldn't handle us. It couldn't handle our truth. We went out there and we said it like it was when it was what it is. That's what I do. You know how American people can't handle me because I tell it like it is. That's the male version of when a woman goes like, guys are like intimidated by me. Now you're a cunt and you, sir, are a racist moron.

Okay. You're not telling it how it is. Okay. You're telling it how your fucking racist parents told you how it is. And then you never left your town and then somehow you got on television and then you started saying the shit that you heard at the local diner, right? And then everybody else with dirty boots will like, I like this guy, I don't tell a lot about it.

Right? That's how it was. It's how it was. People I don't know what I'm talking about right now. You know, I have no idea. Oh man. Oh Jesus. I'll tell you me and my wife.

Oh, we almost got into it. Oh, we almost got into it this morning. You know, fucking unreal. I had to work out this morning to keep my figure in shape. Okay. I got to do this fucking podcast. Then I got to go over the script and then I have to go do a table read. I got to do all of that before 10 o'clock in the morning.

And I forget whatever the fucking branch of the arm serve. We do more before fucking 9 a.m. Oh yeah. You got a table read. What do you do? You march around and sing dirty limericks. Stick it in the funky dance. Right off.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's what the fuck you do. You do some pull ups and all of a sudden I'm supposed to fucking sit there and feel like I haven't done anything. Oh, I got to do what those guys are doing. I've always wanted another adult with more lines on the side of his sleeve screaming at me.

How can I sign up for that? You know, if I was a gun nut, I'd join the fucking military. That's what you want to do, right? You know, you know what the deal is? You start off with tin cans, then you move up to squirrels, then you shoot a bird, right? And then eventually you're getting fucking bored because at the end of the day, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how much deer you're in, you got to put on yourself. You're shooting something dumber than you.

At some point, you want to go after the ultimate prey, okay? You've watched Jurassic Park too many times. You realize there's no real velaracipators, whatever the fuck the goddamn things were. You realize there aren't enough of those. You're like, I'm joining the goddamn military, right? That's what you do. I wonder how many psychos did that, you know? They always say that they're doing it for your freedom, right?

I joined, I shot, shot, didn't happen, and I was like, I'm not dead. And then there are those people. Come on, somebody, write me an anonymous. What branch of the service are you in? Huh? Are you in the Coast Guard? You ever get the sense, what are the people you're working with joined just because they wanted to see someone half eaten by a shark?

Pull them out of the water just to see what it looks like, you know? I think the Coast Guard, that's like the worst fucking, like out of all the jobs. Because the war never ends. It never ends, you know? Hopefully, at some point, this shit will end over in the Middle East, you know? I don't know how it ends, but who the fuck knows? But anyways, the Coast Guard, it never fucking ends. That right there, I mean, can you get the Medal of Honor?

They should have a civilian, save in a dumb civilian Medal of Honor for the fucking Coast Guard. Do you realize every time there's like a bad storm coming, and they're telling everybody to stay inside, and you get like, oh, okay, you get excited, you know, because, oh, they sent me home from work early. Oh, we get to light a fire in the fireplace, you know? Let's watch Raising Arizona, get the kids together, they'll all wrap up in a blanket, and you have a great fucking time.

I'll make some s'mores. That's why I love you, lady, right? You're getting ready. You know what the fuck they're doing in the Coast Guard? Their fucking palms are sweating. Their stomach is in a knot, because they know some stupid fuck is going to get in his goddamn boat around his fucking surfboard, or his boogie board, or some dumb shit. He's going to go on a fucking hike, all right?

And he's going to also, hey, you got to come get me. And these people who are completely safe got to get in their fucking, got to get in a fucking helicopter, fly out the middle of a fucking hurricane to find some fucking dope in his silly named yacht, who had to take the fucking thing out, right? Had to show off in front of his trophy fucking wife, and now they got to go out there. And some poor bastard, he's got to fucking jump out of a helicopter in a hurricane, into the fucking ocean, to try to get these fucking dopes out of there, back to the land, so what? They can breed and make more stupid people.

So the people at the top of the Coast Guard can keep making their fucking blood money. We're taking colors. That right there is the scariest fucking job. I am terrified of the fucking ocean, okay? You would not want to have a bunch of me's in the Coast Guard, okay? Those fucking boats would just be sitting there in the sun, and that would be it. That would be it. I would fucking, we would be on the dock.

I'd be on the boat with a life jacket on, playing cards, and I would get like this distress call. I'd be like, hey, Roger that, well, what the fuck are you doing out there? What the fuck are you going out there for, even if it's a fucking hurricane? Jesus Christ, do you want the fucking dopes, Angel? Here's your fucking short commentary, I don't give a fuck, so what the fuck is this again? What the fuck are you saying? That would be me.

I would have that meltdown every time, and then I would do the job, because basically at the end of the day, if I was in the Coast Guard, that's how I have to fucking make my living. And now I have to go out there and fish some fucking dope out there. Is anybody in the Coast Guard listening to this? Can you please tell me, there's no way when you fish somebody out of the ocean, okay? And then they, you got to fucking go last. And then they send that fucking hook down again, right?

They're just sitting there in 40-foot waves, going up and down. When they fucking crank you back up into that goddamn helicopter, there is no fucking way you don't talk some shit to that guy. As he's sitting there with that fucking, I almost got swallowed by the ocean look on his face, whatever the fuck that looks like. He knows he's fucking dumb, right? He must look him right in the head, hey, fucking. Next time you take your bone out, why don't you make sure the fucking sun's out, and it's

not a fucking whatever, well, how are they rate a hurricane, fucking goddamn five hurricane. It's unbelievable. You know what I always think that they fucking look like? I mean, you just, I would be so fucking embarrassed if I ever did some dumb shit like that and somebody had to go out and risk their fucking life, fly a fucking helicopter, you're not supposed to fly in turbulence with helicopters as far as my little knowledge of it, and these fucking guys got to go fly out into that shit. Unfucking believable, you know, they ever make a movie about the Coast Guard, huh?

Well, I didn't say it, fucking make movies about, made a whole TV show about a fucking dolphin saving people. They call him flipper, he can breathe. He can hold his breath, and then he comes up and he's supposed to be there, all right? They ever make a fucking TV show about a guy saving fish, you know, that beached themselves and you throw it by them, maybe they did, was it free willy, but actually we captured that one. I don't know, if I, oh, Coast Guard ever fishes me out of the fucking ocean.

You know what the look I'm going to have on my face, do you remember when O.J. got arrested the second time and he knew he was fucked, but he was trying to smile, remember that fucking, that's the fucking look I would have on my face. I just, I know, I know, you don't have to say it. You shouldn't say a fucking word to those people after you pull them out of the water. Even the gold digging whore, you know, just talked to her, have you had enough? Have you had enough rich old cock at this point, sweetheart? Why don't you go back, finish up at community college and build a real fucking life, okay?

No, we didn't find your other glass, high heel, you fucking stripper, you know, and then you take him back to the base. Um, anyway, sorry. Most of that was just the stress of my day, 23 fucking minutes. All right, let's read a little, uh, let's read a little bit of advertising here, shall we people? The Coast Guard, what's their fight song? If you're fucking dumb enough to go out in the ocean during a hurricane, it's our fucking

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He's going to be running wild come October. What you going to do when OJ comes running wild on you? I've had a pretty non-confrontational life. Yes, you did. OJ, except for that night you killed two people. Other than that, that was it. You ever see that fucking documentary about how we got fucking arrested the second time when he went down there to go get his shit, you know, and then he had

his buddy take out his gun and then they didn't have his memorabilia that he thought. So then these other fucking assholes started grabbing autographed Pete Rose baseballs and then they took the guy's cell phone and then it became an armed robbery. Man, I would also also think, depending on how that got got the memorabilia, I don't really remember. All I know is that, dude, I can tell you this, man.

Okay. If I was a black guy who got away with killing two white people and I would not leave the fucking house for the rest. I mean, it's what the fucking guy, I don't know what he's thinking. You know, you run for 2000 yards in a 14 game season and then all of a sudden you think you're invincible. That fucking look on his face when he gets arrested the second time where he knows he's fucked and yet he's trying to smile.

I was talking about that yesterday in the writer's room. It's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever, it's like that and there's one of Rick flair when somebody's interviewing him and they're asking him, what was it like the last time you went to Japan and you see his love for wrestling and he knew it was his last, they said, look at this picture, what was going on and he was like, this was, I knew this was my last time I was going to Japan and he starts to fucking cry and he doesn't want to cry, you know, because he's the nature boy and he's trying not to cry.

So he's smiling while he's trying not to cry. I've never seen an actor do that in a scene because if an actor starts to cry, they can't help it. They're like, Oh, good. I'm crying. This is what the director wants. Crying equals good acting. I'm going to get an award.

All right. Denzel gets one with one tear. I got two tears coming down. That ought to mean I got a golden globe and a fucking Oscar. Right. All right. That's the podcast. Please listen to this wonderful music.

Oh, by the way, you know, what do I finally fucking got into? And I used to trash him all the time. Joe de Rosa was right about Frank Zappa. I could never get into it. Granted, I was listening to fucking hair metal. It was two and I always people always said Joe's garage. Every time I read a fucking drummer magazine for fucking 15 years, every drummer was trying to get Vinny Kaluyuta's high hat sound in Joe's

garage. That's what they always said. You know, I wanted to get that Vinny Kaluyuta high hat sound, Joe's garage. And I always got to put on it. And I was like, what the fuck is this? I don't even know what's going on. Is is Frank mocking music? Is he is he trying to take what the?

I just, it was so far beyond anything I was listening to. It didn't sound good if you can believe that. And I finally just put it on in the car. And I also fucking had another 15 years of listening to music and actually trying to expand my horizons from top 40 horseshit that I'd been listening to. And it's fucking unbelievable. Well, it's fucking unbelievable.

So Joe de Rosa, I've trashed him so many God damn times about Frank Zappa. So many times. And I was like, Joe, you're contrarian. You just like it because it's different. He's I swear to God, if everybody liked Frank Zappa, you wouldn't fucking like him. And he goes, that isn't true, Bill. I I hate you in your freckled face. And we would go back and forth back and forth as we drank the fucking

the brown devil there. That's what we would do. OK. And Joe de Rosa, I'll tell you right now. And I'm going to tell him this on his birthday. He was never more right about Frank Zappa. And he was never more. He was right about the brown album with Primus. And he was right about the fucking golden girls. OK, I saw the golden girls.

I saw four old ladies. Joe de Rosa saw comedy gold. I didn't see it the other night. I was sitting and they went off. They were having a marathon. I was trying to get my daughter to go to sleep and I'm watching this shit that's like 30 years old and I'm laughing my ass off. I fucking love that show now.

You know, so my apologies to the great Joe de Rosa and happy birthday to him. And oh, by the way, if you guys would like to do me the biggest fucking favor you could ever do, there's a few fucking tickets left for Paul Versi stand up special, his first one, his first hour. Then me, Pete Davidson, Al Madrigal and all things comedy will be producing our first stand up special. We would love to sell this place out. OK, we're so fucking close.

We could lie to Paul and say that it's sold out. We just want to sell these last few tickets. If you could do it, if you can make it down. OK, it's at the Terry Town Theatre in beautiful Terry Town, New York. I mean, this is like one of the beginning of a Tom Hanks movie when he has the perfect life before he decides to fucking go out there and get stuck on a goddamn island talking to a volleyball. Right. This is where they would start.

Remember his neighborhood and like big when he was riding the fucking boat with a little kid was riding the bike. That's what this place looks like. You can bring your lady out. You can have a nice fucking dinner. Me and Pete Davidson are going to go on stage and fuck around at the same time, trying out new bits, getting you guys warmed up. And then Paul Versi is going to absolutely fucking crush it.

All right. And all things comedy is producing it and it's going to be great. So please come down if you can. I'll be hanging out in between shows. You want to get a picture? I'll sign shit. Whatever the fuck I got to do to get you into the goddamn building. That's it. I'll be tweeting out a link. Let's make it happen. OK.

That's it. Enjoy the music. And we'll be playing some greatest hits of a Thursday afternoon just before Monday, morning, Friday, fucking whatever the hell they call this thing. From a Thursday gone by in another year or possibly last week. All right, go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. I'll talk to you on Monday. From a Thursday gone by in another year or possibly last week.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August the 3rd, 2009. Why the fuck does it say November? You know what? I thought I finally had it. I was going to be like at 77 degrees out, chance of a high of 83, and now I'm looking at it says fucking November. Why is that?

I don't know. Why the fuck it does that? That does to me every goddamn week. That gives a shit. Whatever. It's August 3rd. All right. Another year flying by.

Jesus Christ. Where is the summer going? Huh? How many people have said that to you already? Everybody always says that. Where is the summer going? Every year it just seems to go by even faster. I'll tell you, it's amazing.

Like the first 20 years of my life, it just seemed like it took forever. But I'll tell you, once you hit 30, those years, they just, they just, they fly by. Oh, and if you have a kid, forget about it. Just forget. I mean, I don't, I don't even remember 35 to 46. Nobody cares, lady. Nobody cares. You're saying the same shit.

We got it. Life goes by fast. Okay. Where is the time going? I don't know. I'm wasting a lot right now listening to you going on your big long fucking seemingly philosophical little rant about where the fucking time is going while you're not really being, you're not presenting any, what a philosophical shit.

Huh? That people, this is going to be a hybrid podcast where I hit you with terms like philosophical shit. All right. So don't be coming at me acting like I'm, I'm getting all upper crust here. That's your own insecurity because you get nervous when I, when I use terms like that. All right. That's not my fault.

You went to a community college, you know, and you didn't have great teachers to teach you about philosophical shit. All right. Whatever. This is the Monday morning podcast. I do one of these every single week and I really enjoy doing them. I don't know why. Cause you know why?

Cause I walk around my apartment and I talk to myself anyways. And when I have a, when I have headphones on and I have talking into a microphone, I don't feel as crazy while my dog is already asleep. She's in heat right now. Jesus Christ. Huh? Walking around with the fucking swollen pussy. That's what I got.

Huh? How was that? I just said that. That's disgusting. That's one of the most disgusting things I've ever said, but anyways, I, this is really going off the rails quick this week, people, brand new conductor here. Um, all right, let's, let's get down to some shit here that I want to talk about. First of all, I have some homework for all of you guys.

Everyone who is listening to this podcast and, um, I got to admit my podcast, I think it's finally taking off because in the last couple of weeks, I've learned that I don't have enough bandwidth on iTunes for the amount of people downloading it. So I appreciate all the new listeners. I got a computer nerd friend around the corner who hopefully will solve the problem tomorrow. You know, teach me how to get some more bandwidth or whatever so more people can listen to it. I get a ton of questions. So anyway, so I feel like I'm starting to build a force here.

All right. So maybe I can use this force for, for like my own wishes, you know, Jesus Christ, that didn't even for my own wishes for, for my own desires. There we go. So this is the required homework for all of you this week. All of you have to go out and you got, you have to go see the movie, the orphan. All right. It is required because I want to talk about that movie for a good 10, 15 minutes.

I want to talk about that movie. Um, but I don't want to ruin it for people. All right. You have to go see that movie. That movie is a throwback to classic, I would say mid, maybe late eighties horror films where, um, they just kind of went off the rails and they stopped building suspense. So the whole thing just became funny because it was inadvertently a fucking hilarious movie. And, uh, I don't know.

Ah, shit. I want to talk about this. I'm giving you guys one fucking week next week. I'm talking about that movie because it was so, uh, it was so ridiculous. You know, this is how I know it's a good horror movie is if I go and see it and then when I get home and I'm turning the lights out, you know, I'm creeped out in my own apartment. You know, as I walk by a hallway and there's no light on, you know, like to this day, to this day when I'm on the road and I go back to my hotel room, every once in a while, I'll

put the fucking lights out and I'll expect like the TV to come on and see the girl crawling out of the well or to hear the phone ring and I pick it up and it's going to go seven days. You know, because that movie, I don't know what it was about the ring. That one stayed with me, the Blair Witch, which is really a polarizing movie where a lot of people like, dude, that was fucking stupid. I wasn't fucking scared at all. I was just fucking laughing.

You know, those people, those people who go to scary movies and they got to talk about how it didn't scare them and how they laughed the whole time as if that means if they were actually confronted by a psycho on the street, they would have a better chance of, you know, of surviving because they laughed in a movie theater. I mean, anybody can sit in a fucking movie and just take themselves out of the movie and just, yeah, that's just an actor. That's fake blood. You can do that.

You know? I don't know. Maybe this is me just getting fucking defensive because the Blair Witch scared the shit out of me. You know? I fucking bought that movie, Hook, Line, and Sickr, and the end when that dude was standing there facing the fucking corner, it was just creepy. I like when I can't see the monster.

That's my thing. Is that your thing, Bill? I don't remember asking you what your thing is. Well, then don't fucking listen. Sorry. I'm going to, I'm kind of in a mood right now. There's a lot, I had a lot of devastating shit happening to me this week. And not only that, I was driving down the street out here and I saw some lady had a

sign on the back of her, or a Suzu Trooper, everybody, 1988, a Suzu Trooper, a zu-zu, however the fuck you say it, and it says, I might be slow, but I'm in front of you. You know? And that's the kind of person, if someone dragged him out of the car and started beating them repeatedly about the head and neck, as much as I would feel bad for the person who's driving the Suzu Trooper, you kind of, you're kind of asking for it. You know? Why are you baiting people to beat the, that's what you're doing right there.

That's like na-na-na-na shit. And you know, it's like, I don't know, that would be like me, I don't know, in the 60s when the race riots were going on, you know, and having some fucking racial shit on my, is it really Bill, is it really to that level? No, you're right, it is, and I'm not even going to go down that fucking road, what I'm more on. But anyway, speaking of the 1988 Suzu Trooper, that's kind of been a new thing that I have on my MySpace page, is I'm taking pictures of random vehicles out here in Los Angeles,

because I just, you can't believe how long, if you're from the East Coast, you cannot believe how long cars last out here. Some of the cars that like, I don't know, you ever hang out with your friends, you know, some high school buddies, you know, you haven't seen in a while, and then they bring up some kid who moved in the second grade, you know? Hey, remember John Sarno? Remember that, and you were like, holy fuck, I have not thought about that kid since 1982. That is what it's like driving around out here.

I don't know if I told you this a couple months back, I saw a Pontiac T1000 in good condition out here, chocolate brown Pontiac T1000, and for those of you who aren't into cars, you probably think, oh, T1000, probably had some bulls, you know, you could probably do a burnout or whatever fucking stupid thing those gear heads do that I'm jealous of, because I don't know how to fix a car myself. Pontiac T1000 was actually the Pontiac's answer to the Chevy Chevette, which was a hatchback. Chevy Chevette and was also a very, on its way to becoming a hugely hacky joke when I first started and stand up.

One of the classic hacky jokes when I first started was people get on stage and be like, hey, yeah, I'm doing pretty good, you know, you see my car outside, yeah, I got the vet, a Chevette, and everybody was like, oh shit, I thought he was talking about a Corvette. And then the guy, and as everybody's laughing, the guy would be adjusting his sport coat sleeves to make sure that they were three quarters of the way down his forearms to let you know that he wasn't in an office, you know, that's why he had the pastel colored t-shirt underneath his sport coat to let you know that he was he was off the grid. He was out of the matrix.

He found a way to find your daily grind uniform fucking edgy. That might be one of the worst periods of fucking dress ever. The late eighties stand up comedian. Remember that with the skinny ties or the fuck and it just in the in the the was basically the feathered mullet. It was like Farrah Fawcett met Billy Ray Cyrus. I got fucking nothing on that one. But speaking of which, let's let's let's plow ahead.

So anyways, I have I've been taking some pictures of some pretty random fucking vehicles, one of which I don't even know what it was. It looks like a big RV. I thought it was a Volkswagen. It's missing the bumpers. It literally looks like it's made out of styrofoam and I'm convinced someone's living in it. But anyways, check those out on my MySpace page if you're bored. But hey, Bill, why don't you get back to the podcast?

Fine, I will. And I will you're probably wondering, you know, a couple minutes ago, I said I kind of had a devastating week. How do I get into this? All right, once again, going back about a month ago, when the subject of steroids and baseball came up, I did not name a name. But I said if one particular person were to some for some reason, get busted, I guess it wasn't Royds.

It was HGH or whatever with HGH, whatever the fuck it is. If they were to get busted, that I was going to be done with baseball and the person got busted. And that's it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Fuck baseball.

I don't know if I'm going to be out forever, but fuck it. I did catch myself for half a second watching Dodgers. I think they're playing the card and I was like, I can't watch it. I watched for like three seconds and then Manny Ramirez came up and I was like, here we go again. I'm done. I'm fucking done with, you know what bugs me the most about all of this shit? And you know, I got, I got emails from a couple of Yankee fans going like, oh, now what?

Now what? You said fucking Yankee? She was fucking, now what about Rachel? You know what? Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right. But I'll tell you, us against you is even. Royds versus Royds.

And you're actually still a couple ahead of us. But no, it's Royds versus Royds. All right. If you want to argue the 2004 championship, because I can't really think of a Cardinal that got caught. I would have that argument with somebody from St. Louis. But as far as Yankee fans go, I mean, come on, dude, all right, we, we, we, you know, you guys did everything, but send a fucking Centaur up to the plate.

You know what? That's what the Yankees and Red Sox should be right now. They should just have half men, half horses, and they just, they just come up to the plate. You know, and you, you got to put on a jersey because you can't look at that little fucking, you can't look at that. You know, you know what it is when they come up to bat, they're going to need a shirt because they're going to need a little pocket to put that little fucking pan flute in when they come up.

I think that that's what they should do. So I got to be honest with you. I don't know what is going on at baseball, but I'm not even mad at the players anymore. What's really pissing me off at this point is how the owners made all that money and they're not being held accountable on any level. I really think like the last 10 years of baseball was just a big marketing like scheme to get everybody like, how insane is this country into baseball now? I don't know if you guys remember, but back in the early mid nineties, it was really going

downhill. Even before the strike and all that basically all you had was Cal Ripken was going to break Lou Gehrig's record record record record. And he was like this throwback guy and he was doing something that was really respectable. You know, it was a record that I can't even talk the fuck is wrong with me. It's like Lou Gehrig went back to an era that was considered, you know, a golden age during America as far as hard work and World War II and segregation and water fountains and all that other fucked up shit that they don't really see.

You haven't noticed that when they go back in time, you know, when they talk about the golden years or they talk about racism, they never tell those two stories at the same time. You know, America, we made all this, you know, made steel, steel workers, all this type of shit in the American car and all the type of stuff. But they always, and then if they're going to tell the racism story, they just tell that one separately, you know, or you could beat your wife, the rule of thumb, you know, what was the rule of thumb, you could beat your wife with a stick no bigger than your thumb, you know.

You can't tell me girls weren't looking at guys' thumbs on first dates back then. It was a little five foot six inch dude with little fucking little sausage fingers. I said, oh Jesus, could I take the beat down from this guy? I don't think I could, you know. But then again, the women back then, they were like big milk maids, you know, they were all doughy. You ever see like the paintings from way back in the day of like sexy women, you know, they were, they were definitely healthy, some healthy fucking women.

All right. I'm getting off the track here. All right. So let's get back to baseball. So you fucking, so basically what they did was I think basketball and football were overtaken in it. I mean, that's what I was watching. Bird, magic, Jordan, Isaiah Thomas, all those great teams, Dominique Wilkins, all that stuff

was going on. Then in football, I mean, I went from the late seventies, Roger Stabak, beaten the Denver Broncos. That was the first Super Bowl I watched. And I went right through, you know, the last two Terry Bradshaw, Steeler championships, into Joe Montana, Dan Marino, John Elway, right on through, right on through, right up to like, I would say the end was maybe Cowboys Dynasty. That year, what the fuck happened when the 49ers played the, the chargers in the Super

Bowl? That's, that's when, that's when the golden age ended. That was a bad one. Um, anyways, but whatever. So no one was fucking watching baseball. So then they just went, they, they, they juiced up the ball. They made the ballpark smaller and then they just looked the other way as these fucking roided out dudes came up and hit like 80 home runs as a third baseman.

And they all made a shit load of money and now they're leaving the players to hold the fucking bag. Uh, I don't know, I think it's bullshit. So because of that, I actually, I'm beginning to try to find a different sport that I can watch in the summertime. And, uh, I went to the X games in Carson, California on Saturday and I watched a little motocross man. It was, that was definitely, it was cool, but I, I've never felt so old in my life

going down to that thing. And I also did not fit in. If you've never been to the X games, a motocross sort of skateboard, all that type of shit to describe the crowd. It's sort of, if Travis Barker and dog, the bounty hunter had children, that's what the crowd would fucking, if somehow they had 30,000 children, that's what the fucking crowd would look like. It was very, uh, everybody there looked like they had at least one felony, you know, and

um, dirty, filthy, filthy, skanky fucking women. Just, you know, I, you know, it's, it's, it's getting a tattoo. Is that out yet? Is that, has that gone the way of the bell bottom? There's nothing more skankier than just fucking just tattoos on a woman. It's just, you know, I don't know. I remember there was a period where they were kind of cute or whatever. And then I don't know, it jumped a shark when whoever coined the term, the tramp stamp.

And if you live under a fucking log, that's basically the tattoo when the small of a woman's back. It really just says that, you know, I fucked a lot of guys in my sorority. That's another major red flag. When you see a girl who has like a sorority tattoo down around her ankle, that, yeah. Um, I don't know. I'm not saying don't marry her. I'm just saying don't go to any of her high school or college reunions because there's

going to be a lot of guys going up, shaking your hand with that look on their face. Does this guy know that me and my buddy fucking double teamed his fucking wife, the mother of his children? And I know a lot of females right now, what you're saying right now, that's a double standard. That's a double standard. How come as a guy, how come a guy can go out and blah, blah, blah, and if a woman does it, she's a whore. I'll tell you why.

This is actually a bit for my act that I'm going to burn in my podcast. I'll tell you why. Because for a woman to get laid is absolutely, there's no fucking skill involved. All right. You getting laid is like me trying to get a fat kid to eat ice cream. You know, it's really, there's not a lot of, you know, I guess, see what is, is a guy is men have to make women want to fuck us. We have to come up.

We have to dazzle. We got to put on a show. We got to come up with some sort of fucking angle to get someone of the opposite sex to touch us. You guys can, you can just fucking lay down on a pool table. You could bang everybody in the fucking bar. There's no skill. It's gluttonous.

That's what it is. It's gluttonous. It's like watching a fat guy eat ice cream in public and listen to be like, how come when it's getting guy does it, nobody gives a shit, but when I do it, they're like, oh, what a fat fuck because you're a fat fuck. That's why. So getting back to the woman thing, no respect, no respect for your numbers because you have a vagina.

All right. There we go. Jesus Christ, Bill. You went a long way on that one. All right. We're 20 minutes in and I don't think I've ever felt more ignorant. All right. Continuing on.

Here's something that I wanted to, you know, I just realized the record levels are kind of high here. I hope I'm not, am I screaming into this thing? Anyways, whatever. Get the fuck. This is what you get. This is what you get. What did I want to say this week?

Oh, I know. This is something I would like. If anybody out there, does anybody out there have a VHS copy of the Super Bowl where the Rams beat the Titans? I've never seen that Super Bowl and it bugs me. It's the only Super Bowl since 1978. Broncos Cowboys. It's the only one that I missed.

And when I say I missed it, I missed the whole fucking thing. And why was that? I was dating some girl and she wasn't into it. I just hear my dog. Here you just go. Sometimes I feel like I'm telling a story and she's actually bored. Anyway, she wasn't into it and yeah, so I ended up fucking hanging out with her instead. Wow.

Is that embarrassing? And it ended up being, of course, ended up being one of the greatest Super Bowls fucking ever. I've never seen it. Everybody has a copy of it. Please, can you make me a copy, send me an email and send it my way. I'll trade you. I'll trade you a fucking DVD for a VHS copy of that.

All right, there we go. That was a really fucking long way to go. All right, let's try to get this thing back on track. As you can tell, you can't you guys always tell when I'm searching on my computer, my sentences become more choppy? All right, hey Bill, you talked about inadvertent racism on your July 27th podcast and I see what you're saying. Simply recognizing that certain dialects can be found in whites, blacks, Asians, et cetera

isn't really racist, but the woman who emailed you about shiny suits on Conan called you working class or blue collar or some shit, presumably based on your Boston accent and you seem to take offense to it. Just thought you'd want to know you're talking out of two sides of your mouth here. And I emailed her back and told her that basically my entire act and the podcast are based on talking out of both sides of my mouth. So I found that email hilarious, but my point and I'm going to stop blaming people for not getting my point because I understand how my complete inability to present my points clearly.

My point is that, you know, each race does have an accent. So, if you were to say that sounded like an Asian dude or that sounded like a black dude, it's not racist, you know? It isn't. I still can't fucking explain this without sounding like a dick. Look, if you were talking to some guy on the phone and he's like, oh, hello, I'd be over there very, very soon. And he comes over and it was a black guy.

Wouldn't you be in the back of your head like Jesus Christ? He sounded like a fucking Asian dude. Now, I'm not saying that all Asian guys sound like that, but if somebody sounds like that, they are going to sound like they're Asian. And I'm also not a master of dialects, so I am going to be doing an exaggerated version of your people. That's it. The same way deaf jam comics go on TV and imitate white guys going, oh, gee, I got to go do

my taxes. Holy heck, Gene Willikers, Jiminy Cricket. I mean, nobody knows anyone who talks like that, but you know what they're saying. Plus, it's comedy. It's a fucking joke, right? That's all I'm saying. Okay, so way back in the day, the OJ trial, when a neighbor heard a voice and it said it sounded like a black guy and they tried to sit there and make that unbelievable, the

most racist thing ever, it wasn't, you know? Believe it or not. Let's look at gay guys, one of the most fascinating accents ever. Here's another bit I used to do in my act. How gay guys come from all over the country, all over the world. Let's just stick with this country. They come from all 50 states, yet there is a gay accent. Hi, how you doing?

Yes. Jesus. Right? Hackey? Absolutely. But 100% not true. You can't say that and that fascinates me because I think if you're a gay guy from down south, you should be like, hey buddy, how you doing?

I want to suck your fucking dick. What do you think about that? You really got a nice butt there, buddy. You know what I mean? Ah, it gives a fuck. I'm so sick of trying to explain my uninformed fucking views. Whatever. It's a podcast.

Don't take it seriously. Some people take it seriously. Yeah, it gives a shit. Yeah, who's getting who? They take it seriously and then it gives me something to read. So please, for the love of God, keep taking this shit seriously. All right. Here's another one for you.

We're going to be dealing a lot with race this week, evidently. Here's a very... Some of these emails are getting a little serious here. Here's one for you. Hey Bill, I'm an 18-age-old black man. Do you guys proofread these things? I've always wanted to interracially date since middle school. I'm sorry.

Just had some fucking wheat checks. That literally sounded like I was getting choked up. I've always wanted to interracially date since middle school. But there is one short 511 guy that is always there to mess up something good. My dad. My dad is what you would call a buzzkill. I'm a photographer from my school and there is a girl that I've been friends with for a while. And almost every half time at the football games we would talk.

One time she said, hey, can I take a picture with you? I was not going to say no because the more you please women, you went a little closer to her pleasing you. Oh God, is that hilarious? That's how a young man thinks. That's a whole other subject. You know what? You actually want to be going in the opposite direction a lot of the times.

But if she's a nice girl, yes, be nice to her. Anyways, so anyways, she gets close pleasing you. But as she climbed out of the stands, it was running through my head what my old man would say because he makes me show him the photos to see my progress, I guess as a photographer. We had someone snap the photo of us and when I got home and put the photos up for my old man, I tried to skip it but he saw it. I had to sit there for an hour and 45 minutes and listen to how white people did us wrong for 400 years. And if you start liking them, it's because you want to be them.

Bill, that's just the light version. A couple of weeks ago we were at our family reunion and we were watching Tiger Woods. I said that Tiger Woods had a hot wife. I really wish you recorded all of this. And my dad butted in and said, is she hot? Is she hot because she's white? Bill, I tried to tell this shithead that I love all women no matter what race. No matter what the race is. My old man flew off the handle.

I had to sit for three hours and listen to him rant about the same shit I've heard since I was 13. Stuff like, you just hate black women, don't you? You just want mud kids, don't you? Jesus Christ. If you do marry them, you'll just be a dog to them. And I always knew that that yellow skin of yours would go to your head. I guess that's light skin. It's like a whole other fucking thing. High yellow. Doesn't that mean light skinned?

Anybody out there of African persuasion that can explain that to white people? Red boned and all that shit. Anyways, so whatever, more light skinned. So thinks he's a cut above, can't hang out. So what is your dad? Does your dad look like Keith Robinson? Alright, that's for stand up fans. Anyways, where am I going with this?

I just lost my fucking plates. Mud kids, yellow skin. Jesus, this is one of the fucking ugliest emails ever. Bill, this is just... I short on me? I don't know what you're writing here. I'm 6'1", love Jennifer, love Hewitt. Vanessa and Hughes, Rihanna. Oh Jesus Christ. What the fuck?

And I always, that that Chris Brown would backfire. I always knew that that Chris Brown would backfire. And that Asian girl from the beginning of true lies. A girl is a girl and when you're hungry like a wolf, this kid's hilarious. You do not want to settle for just one kind of food. This guy basically, yeah, he's 18. He wants to fuck on every continent. He wants to bang a girl from every race.

This is total normal behavior. Bill, I've hated my family. This is really becoming Dr. Phil here. Bill, I have hated my family for fucking up my life from birth with their divorce. And my mom died when I was 14. Sorry man, I forgot about that part. I wouldn't have been laughing here. But I hated her like Eminem hated his mom. I'm living with my dad now for now because I'm about to head to college.

And that same girl is going to the same college and she wants to hook up. Bill, help me find an easy way to tell my dad to fuck off. Wow, dude, I don't know if you've been listening to my podcast, but do you really think I'm qualified on any level to address the shit that's going on here? Dude, this is like the perfect storm of stuff. All right, all right. The first of all, the mistake your dad's making is by ranting and raving at you for an hour and 45 minutes about what he doesn't want you to do

is the quickest way to make you run out and go do it, all right? And from what I have, my experience as a kid, obviously I don't have any kids. And yeah, you should be able to date whoever you want to date. I will say this, you're 18, don't get a girlfriend, all right? Stay single, get out there, figure out what you want. And as you're going around fucking the entire rainbow of color out there, be making a mental list of what you're looking for in somebody to settle down with. This is all the shit that I didn't do.

Is I rudderlessly just bounced from one fucking chick to another. Nice way to tell you, an easy way to tell your dad to fuck off? You know what? Why don't you try agreeing with him? You know, when he goes, yeah, I knew that yellow skin would go to your head, be like, you're absolutely right, dad. I can't even believe that I'm talking to you. In fact, when we walk in public, is there any way that you could kind of walk like 40 feet behind me

so people don't know that we're together? I mean, I don't know if your dad gets physical and starts fucking slapping you around like some lifetime movie, but I've used this technique on a number of people after a while. You ever get somebody, they just get, I don't know, they get pissed because they know you're going to go out and possibly enjoy life more than they have, you know? Like I had a couple people, you know, when I moved down to New York, I had friends giving me shit like, hey, I got a new apartment, hey, but it's not New York City. And then I'd always find myself having to knock living in New York City, like tone down my shit

so they could feel better about where the hell they lived. And after a while, I was just like, yeah, I just started to agree with them. Yeah, you're right, it is in New York. New York is the shit, it's the Paris of America. You know, it's too bad you don't live there because it's fucking awesome. You just agree with them. Oh, you think you're the shit now because you live down there? Yeah, I know, it's unbelievable.

My ego is completely out of control. And, you know, just, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, dude, that's a really tough one because no matter what, you're always going to want your dad's approval. But just watch out for the anger that's building up in you and just make sure that you don't start making spiteful decisions towards him about your own life and the path you want to go down because then you're going to end up in some miserable place.

Yeah, you'll literally start dating someone just to piss him off. I'm not saying you might, you'll do, maybe you will, I don't know. I don't know, dude, there's a lot of shit going on there. But, you know, I'm glad you brought all of this stuff up because you remember that bit I was doing that? Get out of the pool, make it fun of those movies where they show like racist white people and this right here is the point of that bit

which is they've made 80 million movies about white people being racist and I was laughing that, that started off with slavery, one of the most horrific things that's ever happened in this country other than I guess the straight up genocide of the Indians, Native Americans, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call them. And there's been so many movies made about that shit that now it's all the way down to like swimming. That was the joke and I know I stopped doing the jokes once I was on TV

but I know I said at some point, are white people the only ones who think evil shit? I can't remember how the joke went. Isn't there some Mexican guy making fun of an Asian dude or whatever? This is what the fuck I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. And it just gets annoying after a while that you take a movie like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

when it's the white girl bringing home the black guy, the original movie, then it's this drama and it's this really serious fucking thing that needs to be addressed but when you flip it and it's a black girl bringing Ashton Kutcher, all of a sudden now, now it's a comedy. And what's his face? The dad there, you know, not wanting her to bring home a white dude, now it's fucking hilarious.

I mean, I guess I get it because of on some level, because it's not like black people and slave white people so the rules are fucking different, but you know what I'm saying, I'm just saying, I don't fucking know. You know what I mean? You know what the fuck I mean. I'm just saying, it's like I got it, I understand. There's 80,000 fucking movies about white people being racist. How about we switch it up every once in a while

and make a movie about Mexicans stabbing Puerto Ricans after a boxing match? How about that? You know, you ever see that? Like whenever a Mexican fighter fights a Puerto Rican fighter, guaranteed somebody's getting stabbed in the Bronx. That's all I'm saying. I mean, maybe that's not a movie, maybe that's more of a short, but you know, you could have the hacky characters in there, right?

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyways, let's move on here. Let's recommend some YouTube videos for the week. Here we go. Here's ones that you guys can search. I don't have time to fucking look, I watch all of these, but this is just becoming way too big to try to watch all of these and try to come up with the greatest one ever.

My YouTube video of the year is Tough Talkin' College Girl, that one. Here's some other ones that people are also suggesting if you're at work and you don't want to work. Go on YouTube and search killer dwarf midget, Muay Thai fighting. If you don't want to watch that and you want something a little cuter, watch, search Charlie bit my finger, which it literally has 90 million views. So if you haven't seen it yet, you're one of those people who not only does not watch TV, but you don't have a computer.

This is a weird one, dog malfunction. I went to show that to my girlfriend and she was just like, is he going to shit himself like shit all over the place? It's like no, it's something different. Guy with gun confronts skateboarder. I can't remember if I told you that one last week, but that's a decent, that's actually a really good one. And here's a really good one.

Boxer beats up two guys. I love this video because the boxer dude is basically what every man wants to be in this video. Basically two guys do something fucked up to his girl and without even a moment's hesitation, he fucks up these two. This guy is like, you know, who all those guys in like the action movies pretend to be this guy is the guy in real life. All right, we're getting up here in time, aren't we?

37 minutes. Okay, we got to start winding down here. All right, here's something sneaky corporations. All right. And I know I keep saying that I'm done trying to tell people not to use those automated machines at the grocery store. I got another guy telling me how much easy they are. Oh yeah, I'm in and out of there in two minutes.

Really? You scan a week's worth of groceries and you have them in a bag and you're in and out of there in two minutes. Oh yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure it's way easier than having someone who's trained to do it, do it for you and stick it in a bag as you sit there rubbing your balls doing nothing. I'm sure it's way fucking easier. Idiots.

Idiots who want to work for free. Have fun. Anyway, here's another one. Sneaky corporation thing. Bill, I share your hand. Here's an article you should check out. I'll sum up the basic idea of the article. Essentially, here's one for you.

Starbucks opened a coffee shop in Seattle called 15th Avenue Coffee and Tea. They have nothing blatant to indicate that they are a Starbucks. They've gone out of their way to disguise their company as an independent coffee shop. They even sent scouts to check out independently owned coffee shop. I'm assuming to better emulate them. 15th Avenue Coffee and Tea will serve beers and wines. It will have cheese platters and entertainment at night. I think this is a new direction that corporations go into these days.

They create new brands and new images to trick people into supporting their company and you can't tell who owns what anymore. So for overrated, underrated, I say overrated. The 15th Avenue Coffee and Tea, a.k.a. Starbucks and Disguise. How fucking creepy is that? You know what, I bet I've gone in and spent money at a place like that. I always go out there and as long as it's not like a chain name that I recognize, I know some of this shit.

But this is a chain anyway, so I wouldn't eat there. Chipotle is actually owned by McDonald's. But anyways, I fucking hate Chipotle. Do you ever notice they always open right across the street from a really good Mexican food restaurant? That's how they just fucking put those guys out of business. I try to stay away from those. I gotta be honest with you, I didn't even read the article. That's what I do. Somebody just tells something.

That's all you gotta do is just tell me something and it becomes fact here, because I'm not gonna look at it. I'm bullshit and I'm actually gonna read it. Alright, horror films. Bill, after hearing your story about the movie Curtains, it brought back memories of a movie that I saw when I was young. It was called The Unseen. Alright, you guys gotta hear the description of this movie,

and just to let you know, he ruins the ending. But I still have to see this. This is a fucking classic. Because I haven't seen it since I was a kid back in the 80s, but being six and seeing this one did a number on me for a while. Pretty much the movie is about three chicks who can't find a hotel to stay in, so they end up at a bed-and-breakfast type place. Jesus, this is an original beginning to a horror movie.

So there's some quote, there's some quote-unquote thing that attacks these people that stay there. The part that screwed me up is that the thing that attacked them would attack through the oversized air vents in the walls and floors, pulling them through and killing them. So after watching it, I was terrified to go into the bathroom because all of our bathrooms in our house had vents right behind me as I took a piss. For the longest time, I would have to use the bathroom with the door open in case something would try to get me.

I look back at it now and think to myself what a pussy I was, but hey, I guess that's why six-year-olds shouldn't watch horror flicks. Here's to four months of pissing with the door open. All right, now here's the spoiler alert, everybody. Here's if you're going to rent curtains, you don't want to hear this last part. By the way, the thing in the movie turns out to be a retarded kid that the parents kept locked in the basement and all he wanted to do was play with people.

Apparently his play was a little rough. Jesus Christ. How many of those horror movies are basically... It always comes down to somebody being shunned as a kid. I swear to God, I think most of those horror movies have something to do with the person who wrote the movie, their childhood. A lot of writers, they're fucking nerds, so they had these awful childhoods and then they had these fucking fantasies of what they wanted to do to people.

And then they just move it a little to the left and they turn it rather from just some kid having some murderous fantasy. They turn it into a fucking monster. And then you got a goddamn movie. Does that make any sense that I just say that retarded people are writing movie scripts? I think I did. I think that's how the math works out on that one. Wow, let's blow by that.

All right, Bill, question. I love your comments. This is the questions for the week and then I'm done. Let me hype what I got going on this week. I'm going to be at the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island, on Friday and Saturday of this week. That would be what's today? The third Friday is four days, the seventh and the eighth.

All right, I'm going to be back there doing two shows both nights. You can go on my website, billburr.com and just click to the link. Please show up and watch my new hour of hilarity. And the following week, I'm going to be at the punchline in Atlanta, Georgia, and I believe I have the dates wrong. I'm going to be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I have it down. It's Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

I have to change that. And hopefully by the time you listen to this, I have. And other than that, I'm going to be in Stockholm, Sweden at the end of the month. And that's going to be the end of my summer. And I'll be enjoying being in Stockholm, Sweden, because I'm not going to be missing baseball. I will not because I am done. I'm fucking, I don't know if I'm done forever, but I'm taking a break.

I've had it. I don't give a fuck anymore. I think what that guy in the White Sox said, the coach there was true. He's just like, for the love of God, just release, just release the list. You know, so you can just get on with it. You know what I understand about these guys? They get on Roids and then they get off Roids. And now they're clean and they're still the same size that they were.

The guy, like I said, the only time guy I ever saw get smaller was Jason Giambi. That's the only fucking guy. All the rest of them, they look the exact same. So, I don't know. Ah, fuck it. I feel like a dope getting all excited the last 10 years. Boy, oh boy, did you see that home run? Oh boy, oh boy.

It's all bullshit. All right, questions. Hey Bill, I love the coming podcast. I recently started working at a retail store. And during the hiring process, they gave me a choice between direct deposit or a debit card that they provided. Basically saying, I wouldn't be getting a physical check every other week. I asked why they did that and the lady said, that's just the way they do it. Isn't that the response you always get from corporations?

You know, why do I have to do it? Oh, they just make us. That's just how they do it. So anyways, like every other person, I said, oh, all right. And even though that's the way they do it, didn't answer my question. So I guess my question to you is, do you think that this is just a way for paper money to be turned into numbers on a computer? Is it really easier to have my money directly deposited in a bank or say, or on some debit card, rather than me going to the bank and physically getting my money? If I may use your reference about it, about if your iPod crashes and all your songs are gone, but if you physically had the CDs backed to back it up, then you will be okay.

Did any of that make sense? Not the way I'm reading it. No, I'm just saying I would rather get the physical checks than to be doing things online, but I guess that's just the way they do it. Yeah, dude, that's brutal. That's fucking brutal. See what they're doing is they're forcing the herd into a direction. So when guys like me don't play ball with that, just out of numbers, I'm going to have to play ball the same way with those automated machines. Everyone's going to start using them, and then there aren't going to be any cashier people, and then I'm going to be fucked, you know?

So yeah, that's what they're doing is they're phasing out cash. So anybody who has any cash hidden in their walls or in their bed or any of that type of shit, that stuff eventually will become obsolete unless you take it out and then you give it to them. And then they'll be like, well, where the fuck did you get this? And then they'll tax the shit out of you. And I know a lot of you right now are going, well, you should have fucking reported the money anyways and all this type of stuff. And if you really read about the Federal Reserve and how fucking corrupt it is, there's a link on the internet right now where some guy used to work at the Federal Reserve just called it a Ponzi scheme on television on CNBC said it's basically nothing more than a Ponzi scheme. I don't know if the guy actually, let me get that link for you. If you really want to check this shit out.

Go, it's called thedailybail.com. And oh, this is this is when they have the, oh, that's a woman testifying for the Federal Reserve when they've asked if they have any, you know, they put it give them a trillion dollars and there was no record of where it went or who took it. And they just keep talking in circles. Well, we have a person that is looking into that. But right now, I can't give you an answer on that. Like that's the way they answered everything. Dude, the whole thing's a fucking scam. It's all a scam.

What they're trying to do is they're trying to phase out cash. So there'll be no way for you to ever like everything you do will have to be reported. They'll know where all your money is at all times. And then not only that, they're going to have all your money at all times. It's, I don't know. I don't know how it's so fucking huge. I never know where to begin to try to explain what how little that I understand about this is just just let me put it this way. The amount of money that you've made in your life, how much of it have you actually held in your hand?

How many times have you gone out? And you work all week and then they just type some numbers on a piece of paper. And then you know the check and then you just go down to the bank and then it just becomes this number on a computer screen. The amount of money that's out there versus the amount of money that's actually printed versus the amount of money that actually has gold behind it. It's fucking terrifying. It's the biggest fucking scam I think in the history of the world. It's the biggest fucking scam and when you get a mortgage like I have and I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get out from underneath that debt and me realizing that me getting out from underneath the debt will actually cost me an extra four grand a year in taxes. If not even more I think of the way I worked it out.

Yeah, it would cost me I pay about 24 grand a year in taxes or something like that. And we go up to 28. I can't even remember. I try to work all of this shit out but basically my best move was to just take 30 years to pay off a mortgage to basically pay 200% interest on six figures. I don't know. You know what? I can't even explain it. I'm probably sounding like a moron right now.

Just, I don't know, read up on this stuff. It's brutal. It's just fucking brutal. I can't even, I don't know, I'm coming off like a moron. I wasn't prepared to discuss this and what little I knew about it. Now you guys are probably going, this guy's just a fucking idiot. I don't know where the fuck do you begin to try to explain this? This is actually funny.

I'm really stammering right now. I feel like I committed a murder right now and I'm trying to say that I didn't and I didn't take time to fucking come up with an alibi. I don't think that you should put your money in the bank is basically what I'm saying. You know, these guys fucking, you take your money, okay? You put it in a bank, alright? They give you like fucking 0.5% interest on it. And then they take your money and then they turn around and they loan it back to you with everybody else's money at some ridiculous fucking interest rate. And then on top of that, they come up with these fucking loans that make homeless people qualified to get homes,

which drives the price, artificially drives the prices of houses up. It becomes like Super Bowl tickets. Everybody wants to go so now a thing something that's worth $400 face value now becomes worth four grand. It's not fucking worth four grand. So then you go out and you pay like a couple hundred grand more than your fucking place is actually worth and you're paying interest on it. And who drove the price up the bank and how does the bank make money on interest? So they just basically create a loan so they can make houses more fucking expensive so they can make even more money. The whole thing was bullshit. It was completely criminal.

Actually, you know what? It wasn't criminal. That was a great thing. It was actually legal what they were doing. That's how much fucking power they have. And then when the whole thing fucking topples, they make us fucking pay for it. We pay for it and they keep the fucking money. They're beyond fucking corrupt. It's the most corrupt bullshit on the planet. I think it's worse than anything that's going on on the planet right now. It's right up there with genocide. What the fuck they're doing is because basically they're enslaving the entire planet.

And right now, whether you know it or not, you are financially enslaved. You're fucking indentured. I really sound like I'm fucking crazy. I'm serious. You're fucking indentured. My own guy who invests my money when I was trying to figure out how to get out of this bullshit, he said it to me. This is a guy who actually could probably, obviously, in a much more intelligent way, explain this fucking game. He said, Bill, face it. We're all indentured servants to the banks. I don't know, dude. I don't know what the fuck happened. Back in the day, when you moved to town, we went from having a house-raising party to having a 30-year fucking mortgage.

Where you pay 200% interest on the fucking money that you were loaned. And by the time you pay it off, you're in a fucking wheelchair. That has to be a happy medium. I don't want to live in a log cabin. I don't want to live in a cave. But if you think that the government is above the banks, you're out of your fucking mind. A great example is when the president tells bankers, after they fucked up the economy, not to take a bonus. And they basically say, hey, go fuck yourself. We're taking a bonus anyways. And then he just says, oh, okay. I think that should basically tell you who the fuck is running the stuff.

So I know that came off as completely ignorant. But read up on it, okay? I'm just a fucking comedian. I really shouldn't get into this type of shit. But that fucking question really set me off. It's, I don't know, it's frightening. It's why I'm trying to pay off my apartment as quickly as I can. I don't think I'm going to make it because at the end of it, I want to have something of some sort of fucking value that I can go out and get a sandwich with. Maybe I can rent out a part of my apartment because I don't think money is going to be worth anything if they just keep printing it. They're phasing the shit out. It's bad. It's bad people.

Don't do that. Don't get direct deposit. Don't do that. Don't do your fucking banking on the internet. It's the level of faith. You're an idiot if you're doing that. You think you're the only guy looking at that shit? I'll tell you what pisses me off, someone sent me an email and said, even if you don't do banking on the internet, all your information is up there anyways, just in case, just in case you want to go online. Now, I don't think that they should have the right to do it. It's my money. I should be the one who tells them, listen, I don't want my information out there like that. But they can do whatever the fuck they wanted. It's just, it's all, it's not your money, everybody.

It's not your money. They give you money and your job is to go out and get into as much debt as you possibly can sustain. And if you don't, then they just take it from you so you can never become rich and they keep getting fucking richer. That's what the fuck is going on. And this has nothing to do with Republican or Democrat. This just has to do with a select few group of evil people at the fucking top who are running everything. I know I sound like I'm out of my fucking mind and I probably am. But I welcome the debate. Anybody who's in economics or whatever who majored in that shit and you want to email me and you want to explain to me, I mean, am I wrong thinking that the Federal Reserve is a private corporation that does not have to answer to the U.S. government that has never been audited? Am I wrong? Aren't they in charge? I know the Treasury physically prints the money. Am I wrong? I'm just asking.

Am I wrong when I say that they are the ones that are in charge of how much gets printed and when? And that the U.S. government or the banks then take that money and have to pay interest on it? And that creates this debt that we can never fucking get out of? And isn't that what happened over in Europe? And isn't that why they are now on the fucking Euro? And are we now moving towards the Amaro? Huh? This is me just regurgitating all my Wikipedia YouTube shit. That even sounded dumb to me, but I don't know. That's the general. You know what I'm like right now? I'm a guy who just started watching like, it'd be like me trying to intelligently talk about the X games.

Then when I went to the X games once and I'm like, dude, backside, fakey. Alright, whatever. Let's plow ahead. Hey Bill, I love the podcast here. Okay Bill, have you ever been offered to be on the show Last Comic Standing? Offered to be on it? No. I could have auditioned for it, but I didn't. I just thought it was, I thought it was good for comedians at a certain level. And I thought I was beyond the level where it was good and I would have just looked cheesy on there. Plus, I knew myself. I wouldn't have done any of the competitions.

I just would have been, no, I'm not fucking doing that. Just challenge me. And I'll go up and I'll do three minutes. And if you beat me, then I don't have to live in a house with seven other comedians, which would be kind of enjoyable. In other words, I wouldn't have been good on the show. So no, I never got offered, but I could have auditioned and I didn't think it was for me. Alright Bill, hey, love your comedy on the podcast. Thank you. I have a question for you. I need your advice. My brother passed away two weeks ago at 34 years old. Alright, this is kind of a fucked up one to end on, but I'm going to leave this to say I'm crushed. Sorry to hear that, man. That's really brutal. So my condolences. Here's the issue. My in-laws haven't said anything to me. No phone call, no cards, nothing. I'm devastated.

You would think that them being parents themselves, that they may care about me since I am married to their daughter. They would have said something. They didn't say anything. I don't really want anything to do with them now. Our relationship was fine before this, as good as you can be within laws. I'm just not feeling much like seeing them. It hasn't come up yet with my wife, but she is really close with them and likes for us to go over there to hang out. What should I do? Should I just drop it and pretend like they couldn't have cared less that my brother died? Or do I stand my ground and fuse to go over to any functions until I hear something? Obviously the latter choice would cause friction at home. The first choice would kill me inside, the one being to go over there. What do you think?

You know what this podcast is? This should just be, Bill just talks about shit that he's not qualified to talk about. That includes all that banking stuff, even though I know on my gut level somewhere in there, I'm right. Alright, my gut is telling me, obviously you're angry right now and you have to go through that stuff. I think the move here is, it's a bad move to, you know, basically you're going to be married to your wife for the rest of your life. You don't need the fucking not getting along with the in-laws to make it a miserable situation. I don't know anything about your in-laws. I don't know if they're not good with emotions. I don't know if they're like, I don't know what to say. I mean, I don't know how old they are. I mean, a lot of these people who come from the pre-opera fucking Winfrey show, especially guys and a lot of women, they don't, you know,

they don't know how to express shit like when stuff like this comes up, they don't know what to do. So the move is right now is you have to talk to your wife and you have to tell her how devastated you are that your in-laws haven't expressed any sort of condolences. And you have to tell her that it's making you not want to do anything with them ever again. And just say that you're putting it, you really have to communicate that to your wife because what you're doing right now is you're already going through something devastating and you could possibly, through your grief, make your own personal life, which I'm guessing was happy up to this point, even worse, because you're going to push away your in-laws and then push away your wife at the same time. So what you have to do, you have to go to her and in a calm way just tell her how hurt you are that they didn't, you know, send a card, flowers or anything like that. I asked somebody about this and they actually brought up a great point that they had a friend of theirs pass away and there were so many flowers at the funeral

and people were coming up going, hey, did you get the flowers? Did you get the flowers I sent? And it's like, you know, they're dealing with, you know, the funeral stuff that they got to take care of, picking out the coffin and all that awful stuff. So they don't get a chance to look at all the flowers. So for all you know, they might have sent some flowers. So the first, oh, there you go, dude, there's your jump off point. You have to say to your wife that, listen, I need to talk to you about something. And you just say, obviously, you know what happened. And as far as I know, you know, has your parents sent a card or any flowers that I didn't get? Let her answer that. And if she says she doesn't know, then that's when you go and say, look, you know,

obviously this is a big thing to me and they haven't expressed any condolences and this is making me want to do X, Y and Z. That's how you do it. So just use the jump off point, you know, with that question. That's something I've learned in my life with shit a lot less devastating, which is basically the first thing you do is you have to find out if what you're thinking is correct before you go off on somebody. Going off is step two. All right. I can't tell you how many times in my life someone comes up and says, hey, so and so says this. And then I just take that as law rather than going up to the person going, hey, you know, I'm not saying you did this, but somebody's somebody's saying that you said this shit and then you're supposed to do it that way rather than just flipping out. Because if you flip out and they actually sent flowers, you're really going to look bad.

And then you made already a brutal situation even worse. All right. There you go. I'm done babbling for a week, dude. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I hope, you know, I hope I hope shit works out for you with your in-laws and all that type of stuff. All right. It's a devastating way to end this podcast. And it's over an hour. These things are getting way too fucking long. And I apologize for all my babbling this week. And yes, I know I am a moron. So I would love to hear from all you economic majors out there or someone who's even in banking, please, somebody for the love of God, if you're in banking, please defend it. Because I got to tell you, I'm not one of these psycho conspiracy theorists who thinks he's 100% right. I want to be fucking wrong on all of this shit. I want to be wrong on the automated cashier things. I want to be wrong on all. I want to say that they're actually sitting there going, how can we make less money and pass savings onto the fucking customer?

How can my yacht be smaller? All right, that's it. I should have lost a lot of credibility on that one. I really stammered my way through that banking thing. And I'd be lying to you if I wasn't embarrassed. All right. And that is it. That is the podcast for this week. Thanks for listening, everybody. I'm going to try to get the bandwidth up so more people can enjoy my completely uninformed opinions every week. All right. God bless you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. They were all my family. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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