Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-31-17

Episode Date: September 1, 2017

Bill rambles about golf, scammers and hand jobs.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie, in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in to see how your day's going. Give me a quick some fucking half hour of laughs, you know, keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers. You're in our thoughts and you're in our prayers. Speaking of that, Houston, Texas. All right, I got a warning for everybody. All right, there's going to be a whole bunch of people making money off that fucking devastation down there.

All right, be careful where you send your money in because people are going to make videos. They're going to have your bottom lip quivering. You're going to feel bad for them and the family fucking dog. Just make sure it's getting to those people. New York Times put out a list of shit that's legit. All right, fucking sat there and somebody sent me something of this woman saying she was a single mom with two kids, right? And I didn't know what to do. It's like, do I send?

Does this get to you? Is there a bald, hairy back guy on the other end of this? So I'm sticking with the Red Cross, you know? As I was looking at all those, I just kept hearing that song. How do I know that you're really drowning, right? How do I fucking know? How do I know this is not a scam? Because people are such pieces of shit, okay?

They will actually like, I want to fuck, I swear to God, they could literally, when they find those fucking people, they find those people, they should take all the money back, give it to the victims, and when the next hurricane comes, you drop those fuckers right in the middle of it. Right in the middle of it. And then when they cry for help, nobody sends them fucking help. That's what they should do. The kinds of pieces of shit that would fucking take advantage of people during a situation like that. So, yeah, I would donate to the Red Cross.

I'm not going to tell you whether I'm donating or how much I'm donating, because I'm sick of fucking people talking about that, you know? I donated this and that. Can you not make it about yourself? Fucking celebrities. Gee, what would they be doing if they weren't making everything about themselves? Somebody else's absolute fucking devastation becomes an opportunity for them to show how fucking amazing they are. Ah, fucking horrific.

Anyways, I shot nine holes of golf when I was back east. It was back east, vision of the family, back east. And, you know, I love going out and playing golf. I let him go out there, there's a foursome, everybody's talking shit, I'm smoking a cigar, I'm having a good time. I don't keep score, I don't give a fuck. I think I got a 27 combined in the first two holes. I was just, you know, you know, I do it like John Daly.

Like, I don't sit there and line the goddamn ball up, I'm going to waste everybody's fucking time. I just walk up and hit it. I take one practice swing, that's it. Then I hit the fucking thing. All right, I just fucking wind up and, you know, I hit it straight, it just doesn't go far. So, those guys started giving me tips. I started listening to them, and I just kept picturing how they swing on TV,

keep that front arm straight, you know, keep your leg down, you know, that type of shit, and I ended up doing all right. You know, I started breaking eight on holes. I hate when they go, you can't score more than an eight on a hole. It's like, oh yeah, watch me, watch me. I'll still be 200 yards from the hole, taking fucking shot number nine. All right, that is, that is a fucking myth, my friend. It has to do with like handicaps or something.

It's just yet another way, you know, so there's no cheating or whatever. It's the biggest fucking cheating game I'm trying to think other than like, you know, business. So anyways, I got down to the last hole. I got, I got like a seven on the eighth hole. I was psyched that I broke eight, and then on the last hole was a par four, and I shot a four, sank a 30 fucking footer. It was all right. It's all right.

And once again, I just, and then the guy I was playing with, the oldest guy in our group was like looking like he was pushing 60, and he shot par, he parred for nine holes. Once again, proving it's not a, it's not a sport. It's a game. It's a fucking game. There's no way it's 60. You know what I mean?

That's like the basketball equivalent is still being able to dunk when you're 60, you know, and I don't mean because you're seven feet tall. I mean, you're like fucking six, three. You used to throw it down a little bit back in the day, and then you come back for the old timers game and you're still fucking dunking. You're still dropping 30. And then you're doing it on people like 20 years younger than you get the fuck out of here. But I gotta admit, I really did enjoy it.

Somebody finally explained that why you tee the ball up high. I would tee it up high and then try to hit it flush with the club. I didn't know you kind of swung underneath it. That was a game changer. And that was, I don't know, my shit as I stink hitting off the ground on the fairway. I'm not good at that shit, but I feel like I could take a couple of lessons and I could go out there and not embarrass myself. I only lost, I only lost what? I think two balls in nine holes.

That's pretty good for someone who never fucking plays. Am I making this about myself? Am I pulling some fucking move here? Do you know how much money I donated to that golf course? When I saw all those white men out there, I knew I had to do something. That's why I created the fun for this cause named after me with my face on it. Because I care. All right.

Why does this thing always do this to me? And then I typed in the wrong fucking password. Didn't I? And go fuck yourself. God damn it. All right. So yeah. So you know something?

I actually enjoy golf. I don't have the fucking time for it, but I do enjoy it. I also was fucking with my first drum kit I ever had. And it's amazing now that I actually know how to tune up the drums. I got the snare to sound great, but my fucking bass drum. I don't know what was going on with it. There was like this vibration of something. No idea what it was.

Maybe, you know, it's one of those, it's an old school slingerland. Maybe I didn't have the, you know, it has the claws on it, which sucks. Cause if you're going to do like a quarter turn, those ones that are on the ground, you can't fucking do it. You just gotta be like, ah, we're just going to leave those ones alone. But I got the toms and the snare to sound good. The bass drum is the last fucking thing that I need to learn how to tune up. And then I have a nice jump off.

And I think I'll actually someday actually be able to tune up a set of drums, make them sound all right. That's the goal. Anyways, that is the goal. You know, shooting less than an eight when I go out in golf every seven years and being able to tune up a fucking set of drums. By the way, speaking of that, Queens of the Stone Age is new album. Have you listened to it yet?

Jesus Christ. It's fucking amazing. Listen to it twice. I loved it. The first time was even better the second time. And you got, I don't know, you don't have to check it out. I'm just saying, if you like fucking great music, I would definitely check that out. That's what I've been listening to.

I've been listening to that. And what's his face there? Where the fuck is my phone? I can't remember anything, anything anymore. The fuck is the guy's name? The guy who sings, my love is on fire. The fuck is his name? Jesus Christ.

We got to look up Dreamweaver now. Is that what I'm going to do? Gary Wright. Gary Wright's album. The fuck's the name of the album here? It's called the Dreamweaver. Ah, no, no, no. Is that what it's called?

The Dreamweaver? It's under soft rock. But you know what, Andy Numak, one of my new favorite fucking drummers plays on it and he's unbelievable. I just wish the drums were more up in the mix. Something about like drums in the fucking 70s. They just, it was like they had a towel over the entire fucking kit. They can't hear anything.

Once again, the genius of John Bonham to be like, dude, fuck that. They can't hear the drums. I wish, I wish they would remaster that fucking album and bring Andy's drums up so I can hear them. It's fucking incredible. Incredible player. And everybody sleeps on that album. Everybody just downloads Dreamweaver and love is alive.

Can't find the judge. It's great. Let it out. It's great. Blind feeling. It's a fucking tremendous album. And what he wanted to do evidently was get away from that. He wanted to have like a fucking get away from everything being guitar based.

I don't think it's soft rock though. Some of it is, but not all of it. It's got some balls, right? Does anybody know what I'm talking about or who I'm talking about? Probably not. Oh, look who's in town this week. The Boston Red Sox are going to the fucking New York Yankees. I got two of my buddies.

I'm betting 50 bucks a game for the rest of the year. I'm up. I'm up 100 on both of them. Am I? Yeah, I think I'm up 100 bucks on both of them. So I'm up 200 bucks total. So I went to lose 100 depending off the Red Sox went to lose. So worst case scenario, I'm down 200 bucks this weekend, I believe.

I think that's what it is. Right. Yeah, that's what the fuck it is. I'm hoping we've been playing great. They got swept, but they played the fucking Indians. The Indians are on fire. So we'll see what happens. We're back up to a five and a half game lead.

I'm loving that. And who knows, with any luck, we'll play the Yankees in the fucking playoffs. Hasn't happened in a long time since 2004. If I was a Giants fan, I would bring that up all the time. Hey, remember when this happened 15 years ago? Definitely one championship since then. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. You enjoyed that year.

Like Yankee fans, do you give a shit about 2004 considering you won in 2009? Was it really hurt? You know what I mean? Exactly. All right. So, um, oh, Billy, no fun. 14 fucking days, no booze. Once I get this far out in front of it, once I get this far out in front of it, I could

literally go a year. Um, you know, I could go the rest of my fucking life. I just don't choose to, you know, it's fun. I enjoy it. But fortunately I don't have that fucking chemical thing. Did I already talk about this? Cause I've started this podcast like 19 times because I'm never funny generally. And I'm really not funny on days when I fucking fly.

Um, so I'm 14 days in. I did real good with the eat when I was back East for the first couple of days. And the last two days I fucked up in a major way, lots of pizzas and that type of shit. Um, I went to my favorite pizza spot twice and then I got this other new spot where I got, I had them freeze some fucking pizzas for me and I'm trying to send them out here through dry ice and all that bullshit. We'll see what the fuck happens. Um, we'll see if it happens, man.

Um, should I read some advertising at this point? Is that what I should do? I think I've talked about everything. Did I promote the surf ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa? By the way, November 5th, I think is when I'm going to be there. That's where buddy Holly, the big barber in Richie Valens last played and be there with Dean Delray. Now I know I brought this up on Monday, but I got to keep promoting this fucking date because they don't do a lot of stand-up dates.

I'm performing there because I'm a fan of music and, uh, I always wanted to see that. It's like a museum slash place where you can perform. So I was like, why don't I just fucking do both and make a little bit of money. I get to see this. I get to pay my respects. You know what I mean? But I will tell you what, I am not going to be playing any of that fucking music that night because I'm sure everybody who works there is so goddamn sick.

I'm hearing Peggy Steve, Peggy Steve, Peggy Steve. I'm not going to do that to you. I'm going to do the, uh, the movie version of it, the Gary Busey version of it, you know, just to switch things up for you. All right. What am I doing here? Let's, uh, by the way, it's about people giving Donald Trump shit. Whenever there's a fucking natural disaster, they always give the standing president shit.

Like, what is he fucking Zeus? Is he supposed to stop it from happening? You know, I heard something today that one of the problems was, was when the people that developed in Houston, they paved over a bunch of wetlands that would have absorbed a lot of that water, which then got them talking about how out here in LA that they've, they've built over land that was just, is just going to disintegrate, you know, whenever we have a big earthquake or something.

Um, cause they were like, well, what do we do about out here? Now that we saw what's going on in Houston, what should we do out here? I'm like, there's no fucking hurricanes out here, but there's always something. The old earthquakes, Ernie, Ernie, when Ernie comes to town, um, shaking everything up, right? It's like your absentee father comes off the road after a fucking three year bender starts telling you to make your bed. You're like, I ain't fucking doing that.

Then he beats you like he doesn't even know you. That's what an earthquake is like. Um, all right, let's read some advertising here. Okay. What do we got here? Oh, Jesus. These people are new. Soothe.

If you play sports or work out a lot, talk about how sore you can get from that. And now I can trigger injuries. Why, why isn't this shit ever edited out of the fucking reading? Well, I played golf this weekend. It's now this week. It's not really a sport. It's an activity. I felt fine after it's certainly after I fucking sank that 30 footer.

Uh, I do work out. I fucked up my, uh, my shoulder. You know, yeah, it's annoying. Did I talk about it long enough? All right. Lead into your personal endorsement. Talk about your personal experience with your soothe massage. I don't even know what it is.

I haven't, I haven't, how relaxed you were afterwards, how easy it was to book, how excited you are for the next booking, et cetera. All right. Now, now that after they wrote me all it, I guess it's like, I'm supposed to look at this shit before I do this. Soothe is an on-demand massage service. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus.

Okay. Do you get to see what your masseuse looks like? Are you swiping left? What's going on here? Huh? Soothe is an on-demand massage service that delivers a hand selected, licensed and experienced massage therapist to you in the comfort of your own home, hotel or office in as little as an hour.

Soothe shows up. I'm sure these people are above board, but you know, there's always a couple of dirty cops out there that'll take bribe money. Soothe is an on-demand. I already read that. Soothe shows up with everything. They bring the massage table, the sheets, the oil, and even music to drown you out at the end.

Oh, so you can unwind no matter where you are. I'm sorry. I'm being really immature, really immature. This is all above board. There's no fucking way we would do something like that. You choose the kind of massage you want from Swedish and sport to deep tissue and more. They just fucking lobbing this over and that. You can even opt for couples massages.

All right. Here we go. Get a little fucking freaky. The length of your massage and get to also pick the gender of your therapist. All right, for the homophobes out there. Therapists can earn over three and a half times what they make it a spa while maintaining incredibly, an incredible schedule, flexibility. That means you can even book a massage for 10 p.m. on a Wednesday.

This also brings the best therapist to the Soothe network. You can book via the iPhone or Android app on the web. Soothe is in 50 cities, including most major U.S. cities in London, Sydney, Melbourne, Toronto and Vancouver. Book a massage as soon as today. Our listeners are getting a special offer that will get you $20 off your first massage when you use our code bird download Soothe S O O T H E or so the in the iOS app store or Google Play Store and be sure to use our code bird to get $20 off your first massage.

Soothe spa quality massage anytime anywhere. You know, if they can legalize weed, why can't they just legalize a hand job at the end of a fucking massage? You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. And just so like the women wouldn't get all fucking upset because God, they should have some for women too. But I'm just saying, like, oh my God, well, it starts with that.

And then what? You're touching her. Just have them strap you down like a fucking lobotomy patient. And you know, and then that's it. Then you can't touch them, right? Do you know how much more peaceful the fucking world would be if every guy started the day with a massage and a fucking hand job? How much more we would listen to you?

I mean, and I don't mean to be a fucking asshole here, but ladies, we've been asking you to do this for us for years and evidently, you know, after two, three months into the relationship, it's out. It's not your pay grade anymore. Okay. And what's funny is you can use you fucking ladies are going to come at me like I'm a fucking animal, despite the fact, you know, this is how guys are wired and you use it to your advantage whenever you want to fucking round a drench.

You fucking let the girls out a little bit, right? You look at somebody just long enough for them to fucking throw down their cards. You get your drink and then you go, oh, excuse me. I have a very important call over this way with that table just opened up. Yeah. And if elected hand jobs at the end of massages would be made legal provided the mail was strapped down by the risks. And you could have like an express massage window when you don't have time for the full

body massage and you just pull up like those drive-thru Starbucks with like your dick out and some, some chick just reaches out and fucking rubs one out. There you go. And then you fucking drive to work, you know, cause you're stopping at the yellow light at that point with the fuck do you care? You know, I hope women don't get offended by this. I was kidding. I don't give a shit if you do or not, but, you know, rather than look down at men, why

don't you understand, you know, and try to have empathy and understand what it is that we're going through? Oh my God, that would be fucking tremendous drive-thru fucking massage. You know what I mean? And then, you know, this is what would shut it down. Some dope would also try to add a coffee machine to it. Eventually someone would spill coffee on the dick and that would be just a fucking lawsuit that would take the whole industry down.

All right. I don't know. I'm just brainstorming here. All right. Me on the, oh, me on these, me on these. Why can't you rub one out? But do me on these, me on these. I'll keep quiet.

I won't shout. If we can be legal, why not hand jobs? And when you come in your fucking soft shorts, oh Jesus, it went off the rails. You want to look good in your underwear and be comfortable, right? We'll tell you. But that perfect balance is hard to find. Yeah, especially if you're a fat fuck like me. You know what I mean?

Let's not blame the underwear here. Let's not blame the victim that's holding up the weight of my fucking mistakes. Don't sacrifice style or comfort. Check out me on these man me on these.com and find the best pair of underwear in the world. Me on these will be the most comfortable pair of underwear you will own made from a sustainable source naturally soft fabric that is three times softer than cotton for the fellas. Hi me on these diamond seam pouch.

Tell me on these. I swear to God, diamond seam pouch like a rockstone ball bag cradles your jewels and gives you stuff to support it needs without feeling too light. Are there any male Kardashians? I bet they'd like something like that. You know, like it's like a bedazzled fucking cell phone cover for your junk. Ladies will love the soft eco friendly fabric so soft and touchable. What gross 100% satisfaction guaranteed they guaranteed you will you guarantee you will

love your undies. Fucked in the screen go or you'll get your money back right now. Me on these have an exclusive offer for just my listeners get 20% off your first pair and free shipping and me on these is so sure you will love you their underwear. They even offer 100% satisfaction guaranteed you can order a pair and if you don't love your first pair, get a full refund. This is a no brainer. It's a no brainer tries 20% off free shipping 100% satisfaction guarantee the fuck you waiting

for to get your 20% off free shipping and their 100% satisfaction guarantee and the best goddamn fucking softest underwear you'll ever wear me. Go to me on these.com slash bird. This is a limited time offer. Really? It's in every all of your copy. So what are you waiting for? Start wearing the best underwear of your life.

It changed my life. Did it? It's time to let me on these change yours. Go to me on these.com slash bar right now. All right, two more, two more hanging there frame bridge everybody. Do you ever take a dick pic and you just lose it in your phone wouldn't be great if you could just send it out to get framed and you could look up at it every morning and smile. Frame bridge is the easiest way to custom frame your favorite art and photos without

ever leaving your house with their simple online ordering process. You can order a fully customized piece in minutes. Here's how it works. Go to frame bridge.com. I did this with my favorite picture of me and my daughter and I have it right on my desk and I love it. Upload your photo from your computer or directly from your Instagram feed or if you have a physical physical item, they'll provide secure prepaid packaging so you can mail it in for free preview

your photo online in any frame style. Choose your favorite or get free help from their talented designers. The expert team at frame bridge will custom frame your item in days not weeks or months and deliver your finished piece directly to your door ready to hang. This is perfect for when it's a birthday coming up a little collage action. Right. There you go. The best part but when anything be better if sooth was actually given out hand jobs.

I'm asking you plus my listeners. Oh, sorry about that. The best part instead of hundreds of dollars you pay it for the framing store their prices started just 39 bucks and all shipping is free plus don't they just roll into the 39 bucks plus my listeners will get 15% off their first order at frame bridge.com when they use my code burr frame bridge even offers a happiness guarantee if for any reason you aren't 100% satisfied with your order. Brad they'll make it right.

Great personal experience using frame bridge.com. I just did the site the ease. It was easy. It was great. Now I look at that picture of my daughter and I makes makes me almost tear up. It's so beautiful. Go to frame bridge.com and use promo code burr B U R R and you'll save an additional 15% off your first order.

Just go to frame bridge.com promo code burr frame bridge.com promo code burr. You know what sucks is as a heat wave out here and I always take my daughter for walks at night or during the dusk or whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's a little you know daddy daughter thing that we do. It's awesome. She loves it. The wind starts coming in off of the ocean. You know blowing on a little tootsies.

She loves it. All right. Lift. If you're choosing a ride sharing company to drive for go with the company that treats you better than the one that rhymes with Moober. It's lift. Lift was the first to offer in app tipping. When you drive for lip man you get to keep 100% of the tips.

Drivers have paid have been paid over 200 million in tips since the feature was introduced. Express pay. Let's drivers get paid almost instantly. Instead of waiting for weeks. Lift has even taken the guesswork out of pickups. Where is he? The new app device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers. You can earn hundreds of dollars a week plus tips.

You want to earn more money drive more or drive more. It's never been easier to give yourself a race. It's a simple formula. Happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why nine out of 10 lift rides get a perfect five star rating. Go to lift.com slash burr today and you can get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash burr. Lift.com slash burr limited time only terms do apply.

All right. I'm laying on the floor of my fucking back trying to fix that fucking crib downstairs. It's the thing. Once your kid just gets over like fucking seven, eight months, you know, it's just like you're picking up this sack of potatoes. You know, you never squat down to do it. Right. You bend at the waist.

Right. Blowing out your lower back. It's the fucking worst. All right. What the hell did I want to talk about? Was there anything to talk about beyond what everybody else is talking about? I try to stay outside of all of that. You know what I mean?

Everybody's like, you know, talking about it raining down in Houston, right? The hurricane and all of that shit. Am I going to be yet another five? I guess I already did, but I did it in a way. I actually told you to watch out for these fucking scams. How do I know? Right. You always got to ask that because I gave a bunch of money to that wounded warriors thing

and then I got all this information that it was a fucking scam. I don't know if it is enough, but there was enough fucking articles saying that it was and it made me nervous that allegedly that's what they were doing over there. And that fucking turned me off to charities that they could possibly be somebody out there. And then, you know, watching that pink lady in the NFL. So make sure your fucking money, you know, gets to the people. Speaking of which, Ron White is doing a gig out in Austin, Texas. He's going out with some other comedians and all the proceeds are going to be going to,

you know, help out the people there in Houston. So there's a good one you can go to. All right. I wasn't able to make the gig and I said, well, who should I make the checkout to? He said Red Cross. All right. So then I looked it up is the Red Cross. I know I saw him on mash.

Are they reputable? And they checked out. They are reputable. So there you go. All right. And with that, I am completely out of shit to talk about. I don't know what I've talked about because I've started this fucking podcast 15 fucking times. I have no goddamn idea.

You know, so I don't know what to tell you people other than this is the end of this podcast right here. But even though it is the end, I'm going to continue to talk for another fucking two minutes and three seconds contractually obligated to do a half hour here. All right. There you go. You want to hear fucking first world problem? I got bumped up to first class, right? And they sat me in the last row right by the bulkhead. So my fucking seat didn't recline.

You know, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a classic example of cold lotion. Remember cold lotion? I'm bringing it back. Cold lotion. Classic example of fucking cold lotion. If you don't know what it means, it's in the urban dictionary. It's basically somebody gives you something nice, but it fucking sucks. It's like, hey, somebody says one puts a, you know, your back's all dried out.

Your wife goes, hey, can you put some lotion on your back? You go, absolutely. She goes, thank you, sweetie. But you don't warm it up in your hands yet. You just slap it right on her back. She's like, yeah, right, right there. That is some fucking cold lotion. You get bumped up to first class.

You're in the last row. You seats up against the bulkhead so you can't fucking lean back. Cold fucking lotion. But I'll tell you what, I watched, I watched three movies, two and a half movies. I watched founder starring Michael Keaton about how the whole McDonald's franchise came about. And it was fantastic movie. Loved it. Then I watched the original alien, which totally holds up other than their computers.

Because what's fucking hilarious is they're flying through space doing shit we still can't do today. But like the computers, you know, it looks like fucking war games. I don't know. It's 1979 technology. But everything about movie was fucking awesome. And Sigourney Weaver was fucking badass and everybody should have listened to her. But that fucking, I can't say what happens. You know, they didn't listen to her.

She fought, she wanted to follow protocol. And then I watched the beginning of chips because I wanted to see, I wanted to see the motorcycles. You know, a couple of Ducati's that was cool. And then the plane landed and then that was fucking it. That was it. But I saw two good moves. I didn't watch enough of chips to know, you know, all I wanted to see is where Eric Estrada was going to be in it. Right.

And John Baker, Larry Wilcox, you know, they had to be in there. Right. I bet the serge was there. Maybe Grossman. What about Barry? You know, you know what they should have done? They should have put fucking, what's her face in there? Kaitlyn Jenner.

Bruce Jenner did a couple of seasons on that fucking thing. Oh, fuck. I made it 30 minutes. There you go. That's your podcast for this week. I apologize. I know this one's stunk. I just, I suck when I'm on a plane.

You know what I mean? I just, I don't know what the fuck it is. I just, it just never seems to work out for me. So, but I don't breathing that dirty air, not being able to recline my feet. I have no idea. All right. That's it. That's the podcast.

Thank you everybody for, for listening. Enjoy the music. And now we're going to play some, a classic Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday, whatever the fuck I call this thing. Enjoy the greatest hits. All right. That's it. Have a great weekend.

And I'll talk to you later. I don't know, have they, have the cock blocks all been defined? Like the different kind of cock blocks. I don't know if there's, there's names for them, but I got a new, I got a new cock block for you. This, this cock block is very special and a very obvious one. And I think like this happens all the time, but for some reason I've never heard anybody name it.

So I'm, I'm going to, I'm going to kick off the creative process. I call this guy the announcer. That's the, that's, that's the name of this cock block. This is what happened to me. I was, I did a gig in Jersey and at the end of the night, these two girls who waited to be at the back of the line came up and they said, Hey, you want to go out and get banana pancakes? You know, making a reference to my jokes saying if I wanted to go out and hang out with both

of them, right? And the second they said it, I was like, Holy shit, here's a fucking, here's something I never had. Here's a two on one and I can't fucking do it because I'm with Nia. Who's kidding? Because I'm with Nia's because everybody's got a cell phone fucking camera and I get caught. Honesty.

Um, no, I couldn't deal with the guilt, um, but I gotta, I'll be honest with you. And I would say this if Nia was here, if two fucking 10s came up to me and said, let's do this. I, I, you know, yeah, fuck it. Let's do it. I never did it. You know, fuck it. So anyways, so they said, Hey, you want to get a, you want to go out and get bananas

and pancakes or something like that. And then this fucking guy, like 10 feet away, way just goes like, Oh, what's going on here? You know those guys? Like if a girl just comes up to you and just like, you know, you know, I've always loved guys in green shirts and you're thinking, right, you're thinking like, Holy fuck, this is going to happen. There's some other guy like five, hey, and just makes the whole fire, the whole fucking room look over at you.

The fucking announcer fucking cockblock motherfucker, you know, who would do that? If I was standing there and I heard two girls say it to a guy, I'd be like, God damn, it's going down, right? Inside of my mouth, that lucky motherfucker. I wouldn't be, Oh, she wants to put it in her mouth while the other one watches. I mean, why would you do that? You fucking announcer. And if you have a friend like that, all right, the only way you can still hang out with him

is if he goes out, if you guys are going out trying to meet women, he has to wear one of those old ABC bright yellow Monday night football sport coats. And if the girls, why are they wearing that? You'll see, you'll see. And that'll be the, that would be the funniest fucking thing ever. Like if somehow if he couldn't figure out the joke and he just thought the coat looked good. And just the whole night you just saw him anytime you heard in the, you know, 10 feet

away in the bar. Hey, what's this all about? And you just look over and you see this guy dressed like Howard Cosell. You'd be like, Oh, that's the announcer. He's the, he's the, he's the guy. He can cockblock from like, he's almost like a sniper. He wasn't so fucking loud. He's at the same distance as a fucking marksman, but, uh, he kills it with, uh, with loudness.

Oh my God. Did that guy fucking annoy me? Hey, come here, come here. She just came in, shaking her head. What? I am beyond, come on over here. I was just telling that story with that guy cockblock me with those two chicks out in Jersey, where they would just go and cockblock you.

I told you this story. No, but you're making it seem like you were going to do something. No. No, I wasn't going to do something. This is the thing, but I just admitted, yeah, but this is what I did admit. If they were both 10s, I would have, I would have, I would have done it. I never had a fucking two on one. Hey, you know something?

Would you be that mad if they were both smoking hot and the cell phone video got out? The video doesn't even need to get out when you got the announcer. They, the guy, he just literally goes like, yeah, we'd like to get bananas and pancakes with you. And he said something like, oh, what's going on over there? Nothing. You're a jerk. Why am I a jerk?

Silk pajamas. Huh? You are. Talking about cockblocking and two on one, so what kind of podcast is this turning into? You know what? It's turning into a very honest podcast. I was very honest. I said this.

Good for you. This is the thing. I couldn't, I couldn't deal with the guilt unless, unless they were both 10s. If they're both fucking 10s, give me a break. Let me tell you something here. If you hooked up with Brad Pitt, there's only so mad I could get. Oh, really? It's fucking Brad Pitt.

Okay. Yeah. Good to know. Okay. Well, you know what? That would, that if I just, if I just said some generic good looking guy, if I just said some generic good looking guy and you, and you just said that, that would have scared me.

I looked at it like you had Brad Pitt's phone number. That doesn't scare me. Oh, really? Okay. It's going down. What if it's the, like the regular guy version of Brad Pitt, is that okay? Like he's just, if you want to go live out on the street and get the fuck out of this house, absolutely.

But you're allowed to have some sort of crazy two on one. Yes. That's bullshit. No, it isn't. It is. If you just, you know what? Cause you're thinking on it, on like, like a very basic level. But if you really, but if you really think about it, just think about it.

It makes sense. And Bill, you're not going to try to mind fuck me into thinking that it's okay for you to have some sort of two on one and I can't, that's not, no, it's not going down like that. Yeah. But women are beautiful. We lost after you. It totally makes sense.

You guys find like dicks are weird. They're gross. It's all hanging out there. It's disgusting. You don't want that. You know nothing about it. You don't want that. Which has been proven time and time and again in your standup and in your podcast.

But that's a, that's another discussion. You know what? You, you just set yourself up. Like you're going to make some huge point and then you just tapped out, you know nothing about women, but that's just another discussion. And I just don't want to even get into that. So now you just give me the face. What are you doing today?

Lazy. Huh? What do you mean lazy? Nene Kubrick. Yeah. I just filmed my short film over the weekend. Screw you. I'm working hard.

While you're in here and your pajamas talking about two on ones. Yeah. Well, I have to do an hour's worth of shit here. I'm coming up on it. Yeah. Fill it up with whatever you can. There we go. An hour and two minutes.

An hour and two minutes. Have you, have you done your, your viewer emails yet? Yeah. I did. Listen to their emails. You did that already? Cause you want to chime in. I don't know.

I already did it. What do you got? I already did it. What about overrated underrated? Didn't do it. They didn't have any this week. Okay. Look at you.

I think you're a fan of this podcast. No, I'm not. Listen, it didn't go down. All right. But I'm telling you right now, Nia, if two 10s come up to me, it's going down. Okay. All right. Well, just be prepared for the retaliation.

Game set match. Really? You're going to deny me that? Can I just buy you some stuff? Wow. Really? Yes. Really?

I'm not some sort of fucking basketball wife that can be placated with material things to a point. Yeah, exactly. Okay. If I'm going to be fucking honest here, come on. There's got to be something that I can buy. You know something? This should be our Valentine's Day.

All right. For the guy, the guy Valentine's Day. This is what Valentine's Day should be every year. Is the guy gets a two on one and then you get some nice stuff. Well, why can't I have a two on one? Cause you don't like that. What do you mean? What do you know?

Women don't like sex. You don't find, like when you guys fantasize, you think about the guys in your life, you don't think about other things. Oh, really? Okay. Come on, Nia. Just one. Just give me one.

You get one and I get one. No, you don't. You don't. Cause you don't want one. What do you mean I don't want one? You're just being childish. No, I'm not. You think you want to hook up with Jake Gyllenhaal and Brad Face.

Whatever the fuck his name is. Brad Pitt. Brad Face Pitt. You just think you do. See, you don't want to think about me is like you have to hook up with somebody famous. I'm actually just regular people. See, I'm down to earth with this shit. See, that's what I'm saying.

You like stuff. You like shiny, shiny things. This is the deal. You get a two on one and you get some cracked up face old man in Vegas like Robert Redford. Like I used to be good looking when Nixon was in office. No. No. That's not how negotiating works.

Now you got to come with something else here. No, I think we should both get an equal opportunity thing going on. Yeah, but this isn't an equal relationship. Why is it not an equal relationship? Cause I wanted to. I could pin you down to the ground right now and tickle you until you passed out and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it. That has nothing to do with anything. That's how the world works, Nia.

Why do you think America is on top? Because we're right? Or because we can blow you up more times. So it's your physical presence? That's what makes it like an unequal relationship? Yeah, cause I can beat you down. Well, maybe you're physically stronger, but I'm mentally stronger than you. Oh snap!

And I'm smarter than you. Yeah, so whatever physical power. Let me ask you this. What did you have are trumped by my mental fucking goliathness? Suck on that, Red. Why do you think you're smarter than me? Oh, that was good though. You got a good one in and now you're storming off.

I taught you well. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 31st, 2009. And I am recording this one from Stockholm, Sweden. That's right. I'm a big shot international traveler. You know, not bad for some bum who used to work in a warehouse. Stockholm, Sweden, people.

I've been here for a week and it has been absolutely incredible. I'm not going to lie to you. It's one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to and has some of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. And I'm not going to lie to you. I got to go with Adolf Hitler on this one. These are some good looking sons of bitches out here. You know, I mean, I don't think that's an excuse to go out and try to eliminate all the other races of people.

He took it a little far, but I can definitely see what he was enamored with. Like, I'm not even kidding you. Like, these are some of the most, even like the guys. Like, I was walking down the street with my girl and going, look at that fucking guy. Would you look at him? How is that guy not famous? That guy would be Brad Pitt in our country.

Look at him. Even their old people are good looking. You know what? All the younger dudes, they all look like, who's that fucking dude with the Paul McCartney haircut that all the girls are screaming about? He's got those Jim Brewer eyes. You know, those glassy eyes.

He's got the fucking Paul McCartney haircut. I think he was in one of those high school musical... I don't know. They all fucking look like that except it's blonde hair. And, I don't know, and then the older guys, they all look like the bad guy in a Mel Gibson 1980s movie. You know, something like that. And then the women are just absolutely fucking ridiculous.

I saw this girl, like, I haven't even... You know, when you walk down the street with your girlfriend, you try to, like, subtly look at women. I was not doing that. I had absolutely no respect for her. I was just going, Jesus Christ. And then she wouldn't even punch me. If I was in the States, she would fucking punch me.

But here, she was just like, was that a VJ? You know? It was that, you know, that just fucking gorgeous. And I'm sitting there. And I felt like I had... that I was compromised genetically until I came to Stockholm, Sweden. And I was really starting to get a complex,

but yesterday I took the subway or the underground, as they call it, do you want to find the underground? They don't talk like that, but that's my hacky foreign accent. And I took the subway out of Stockholm, Sweden, some of the, like, it was almost like I got on the train and I went up to the Bronx or, like, out to Queens. And that's evidently where they keep all their ugly people.

And, yeah, all of a sudden I felt like I was in Revere, you know, or Medford. So there's definitely some... there's definitely some struggling people here. You know what it looks like? Like, all of Stockholm looks like Soho in New York, where everyone's really trendy, really fashionably dressed, and just fucking ridiculously good-looking.

And, you know, like I said, I've never felt like I should be sleeping under a bridge before until I came out here. But anyways, so, with that, I had one show this weekend. On the 29th, I was working the... I don't know, some fucking theater, I forget the name of it, but I was all nervous because everybody over here,

you know, they're bilingual. You know, they're thrashing, thrashing, thrashing when they're walking around, right? So the comedians going on in front of me are all up there going... Right? And I'm fucking sitting back there going, I don't think these people are going to get what the fuck I'm talking about.

So, fortunately, I was smart and I went up the night before my theater gig is what I did. I went up the night before and I kind of got all that, like, nervousness out and I was able to figure out just a couple of things to switch up. Like, I made a reference to kickball. If you guys saw my Tonight Show set I did

where I talk about the bankers striking out playing kickball. They don't know kickball over here. So one of the other comedians told me switch it to soccer. I said, okay. And just little adjustments like that. So I kind of had an okay set Thursday, but I was really on my fucking heels. I really felt like a freak.

But then Friday came along and... I don't know. The theater wasn't packed. It was sort of like maybe like half full. So I have this weird psychological thing where if a room isn't full, I don't feel nervous. But if it's full, I feel nervous. And it has nothing to do with numbers.

If you had a room that only held like 40 people and there was 40 people in there, I would feel the pressure to kill. But if you stuck me in a theater that held like, you know, 700 people and there was only 400 people there, I would feel like I was in this little, last crowd. So that's basically what happened. And I went out and I had a great time.

Destroyed. Got a standing ovation in the end and I was... I can't even tell you how fucking relieved I was because, you know, it took me 16 hours to get here from LA. So you really don't want to bomb. And one of the goals of coming over here was to fucking destroy so that I can start building like a following over here.

Because, you know, like most people, I've always wanted to come to Europe and see all this stuff over here, but it'd be even better if I could come over and make a little bit of money. So that's kind of my goal, you know? Gonna start, you know, getting a following over here and I'll fly over here, I'll make some Kronas here in Sweden

and then I'll go fucking blow it all in Italy or fucking Paris or some shit. Why the fuck not, right? Come over here, drink like Ernest Hemingway, act like I'm an actual fucking artist rather than someone who curses every other word. So this is the funny part, right? So I killed and everything was great

and I felt fantastic. And then the next night, you know, they go, well, hey, you know, we're having this comedy festival, there's this big theater show, it's gonna be sold out. Even more people who came out to your show. Do you want to do it? And I said, yeah, fuck it, I'll do it because I'll get in front of more people,

maybe they'll come to my show. And like a fucking typical comic, I couldn't just leave. I couldn't leave on a high note, I had to go for one more and I went up and I only did okay Saturday night. I came out a little too cocky and I think I kind of came off like an ass.

I didn't suck, but it wasn't great. But I know it wasn't great because when I got off one of the people was like, how did you feel about that? That's when you know it could have been better when they don't say great job. When somebody says, how did you feel about that? I don't know, I'm probably making a bigger deal

out of it than it was. But anyways, it was a big success over here and I really miss my dog and I'm ready to go back. I got one more day over here today and I actually went to a museum yesterday and they have this, I can't explain what the fuck it is. Basically in the 1600s, it's kind of a funny story. The king over here commissioned this big battleship

to be built and it actually had two gun decks. I think back in the day they only usually had one, but they built two gun decks. Literally, I counted when I went to look at it. They had 20-some-odd cannons on both sides. It was absolutely huge. The carvings and the woodworking in the back of the ship and the little windows where you open up,

where you stick the cannons out, they had these lion's heads carved in. I guess it was something else to intimidate the enemy, like the fucking cannons weren't enough. I thought the 20 cannons were bad, dude, but they got a fake lion head and it doesn't look happy. So anyways, they commissioned to have this ship built, so they built the fucking thing.

Everybody piles on the goddamn thing, the guns out and all this shit. And they fucking go out in the bay. It's like a couple thousand people watch and it fucking sank. They didn't even got to use it. It'd be like if you bought a brand new car and you come home, do it.

What's it got? It's got a 351 Cleveland. Dude, fucking do a burnout. And he just fucking with like eight miles on the car, you wrap it around a pole. Not only do you wrap it around a pole, all your friends fucking watch. And even though they're your friends,

you know they're fucking secretly happy because they can't be happy for you because you have a better car, which means you're going to get better pussy. So it's just in their DNA, right? So they fucking take this boat out there and they say a squall came. I didn't look up to see what a squall was.

Is that some sort of a storm? Is it a gust of wind? I know it isn't a rogue wave. What happens ever in a movie? Did you guys ever see Perfect Storm? A rogue wave evidently is like this mini tidal wave that just comes out of fucking nowhere and a lot of times it washes people off the boat.

So most people, you know, they're not out to sea like me so you have no idea what the fuck it was. So if you just showed a rogue wave in a movie, if the seas were kind of calm and all of a sudden this big wave out of fucking nowhere just washed a couple people overboard, you would have been like me

sitting in the movie theater going, what the fuck was that? So they literally had to have Mark Wahlberg's character scream out, rogue wave! as it comes in. Do you remember that? Who would yell that out?

You know? Wouldn't you yell get down or whatever the fuck you'd yell. You'd yell fuck. Dude! That's what you'd yell. You wouldn't yell. Like if someone pulled a gun on you

and started shooting at you, you'd be screaming. No! Running down the alley. You wouldn't be like, you know, 38 special! Anyways, let me fucking, let me plow ahead here.

Alright, so they send this ship out. Everybody's standing on the shores. Everybody's all proud. Oh yeah, look at the sizes they bought. Look at these iron heads, yeah? Right? And the fucking thing is some sort of squall hits it.

Then it, I don't know what happened. It started to right itself. And then another one hit it and it just fucking went down. And when you got two decks of guns, you go down quick. Like 50 people fucking drowned. It was just a nightmare.

And evidently they had some sort of stones at the bottom of the boat, but they didn't have enough. I think that's to make it sort of sit in the water. You know what it really came across? It kind of came across like where it said the Suzuki Samurai was. Where it said it tipped over at like two miles an hour

because of its center of gravity, which evidently was a total fucking lie. They just wanted to sell more jeeps. But I think that that's basically what happened. They built this big, grand fucking boat. And, oh yeah, they had, they had trials trying to figure out everybody was blaming each person.

But anyways, so the motherfucker sinks to the bottom of the bay. And over time people kind of forgot where the fuck it was. And it stayed down there for 333 years. Before they brought it, somebody found it, they brought it back up, and it was in pristine fucking condition.

Jesus, this is a long way to go. And me and my girl went to the museum and we saw it. I'm going to tell you, it's one of the most amazing fucking things I've ever seen. Which is funny, because if you tell anybody in Sweden that you're going to go see it,

they just laugh at you. Because I guess as kids they always get dragged there and they have to do book reports on it and they fucking hate the thing. It's the typical thing. Think about where you live, think about what the tourist attractions are. You never go to the tourist attractions

in your own town. Okay, there's just something in human beings DNA where you're like, dude, I'm not standing in line in my own fucking town. You know? It's like when I lived in New York,

I never went to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building unless some friend of mine came to town and they wanted to go. And I hated every second of it. You know? That's basically the deal. But if you ever go to Stockholm, Sweden,

I'm telling you, you have to go. You've got to go. You know? You've got to go check it out. If you're into that type of shit, it was unbelievable. I don't read a lot of the stuff either.

I always get like sleepy when I start reading the plaques. I just like looking at the shit and the little fucking boots that they have. People were so small back then. You know? I always wondered if I could go back in time like the size I am

if I would be like the toughest guy in town. You know? Especially if you imagine if you took like jiu-jitsu classes and all the latest fucking fighting styles what a goddamn badass you are. You'd be, you know? No, wait a minute.

They had like those fucking spiky balls that were at the end of the chains. All right. Do I sound dumb enough to make this an official fucking podcast? All right, let's get on with the podcast. Oh, before I do, I just want to thank everybody

who came out to my show at Rival. Rival, however the fuck you say it. I had a great time and it was an absolute thrill to go onto the other side of the planet and actually have people know who the fuck I was. I even brought up my dog and somebody in the crowd yelled out Cleo. There was actually people who listened to the podcast

which was really awesome and fucking scary all at the same time. I was like, yeah, I got a dog recently and somebody yelled out Cleo. I was like, yeah, it was really, you know, your papers please, yeah? There was that and somebody else was like, what does that do out here?

What should I be doing out here? And somebody in the crowd fucking yelled out, come to my house, we'll have a party. I'm not even exaggerating. That's what it fucking sounded like. And I wanted to record that guy on my cell phone and have that as my outgoing message that if you called me

and it went directly to my outgoing message, that's what would come up. Rather than, hey, this is Bill. Leave a message, you cunt. It would be him just going, come to my house, we'll have a party. All right, let's plow ahead here. Oh, somebody actually informed me

that last week was the first time in the history of my podcast I did an entire podcast without using the word cunt. I don't know what that says about that person but they're definitely into the podcast. Okay, let's move on here. Getting on with the podcast. Somebody sent me a really good email

about last week when I was going off on how somebody had made fun of Ringo Starr and said something to the effect of, you know, because Ringo said that he wasn't going to be signing anything anymore after, like, October. Basically, after 50 years of signing autograph, the guy's approaching 70 years of age. His wrist is going to fall off.

He's probably going to die within the next decade, right? He's going to get still a good run. He wants to go do some shit. So, of course, all the fans get pissed and someone's like, you know, without us, he wouldn't be famous. And I was saying that that was really an arrogant, did somebody just knock on the fucking wall

telling me to shut up? Oh, he's yelling, yeah. I'll go fuck yourself. I'm doing a podcast. Anyways, so I thought that that was just an arrogant statement. Like, if it wasn't for the fans, he wouldn't be famous.

It's like totally discounting the man's talent. He's considered one of the greatest drummers of all time. He inspired an entire generation to play drums. I don't know. So anyway, I can't really even explain my point of view because so many of my point of views are just spur of the moment, you know? So anyways, the guy writes,

on your last podcast, you were talking about how the fans don't make someone who they are. The fans, and this guy says, the fans don't make someone talented, you're right about that. But without the fans, all the talent in the world doesn't mean shit. How many talented performers have faded away

because they failed to find an audience? How many no-talent hacks are making a living in entertainment, in the entertainment industry, just because they somehow managed to get a bunch of mindless fucktards to buy their crap? Yeah, I mean, you know something,

I understand what you're saying there. And he brings up this great point of how that show Carnival or Carnival, however the hell you said it, was on HBO, and he said to this day, it's probably the second best show they've ever had behind the wire, but they canceled the show up to two seasons,

claiming that the DVD sales weren't sufficient to justify the amount of money they were spending on making the show. Yet, stale shit like 24, which is retelling the same fucking story every goddamn year is in its eighth season. Just being talented isn't what keeps entertainers employed, the fans do.

Okay, now that's actually, that's kind of a different argument. Okay, I was saying that fans are not the reason Ringo Starr is famous. If you wanted to say, like, if it wasn't for the songwriting ability of Paul McCartney and John Lennon, Ringo Starr might have ended up washing dishes.

I would go with that. I would definitely go with that. Alright, and I can definitely see that aspect of it, but to sit there and, like, put it this way, if it wasn't for AC DC, I wouldn't have had a life in my teenage years. Okay, and on no level

do I feel like Angus and Malcolm should thank me for Back in Black, for the success of Back in Black. They made a fucking killer album, you know? And they worked their asses off on it, and it was so fucking good my ears couldn't ignore it. Alright, I'm not part,

I wasn't part of this group of people who sat there and said, you know what we're gonna do today? We're gonna make AC DC famous. And goddamn it, those sons of bitches better appreciate us, because if it isn't, if it wasn't for us, the Back in Black album would suck.

I guess if we didn't buy it, it would have disappeared into obscurity, but, like... I just give AC DC more credit because they're an organized group of people creating something. And I'm just a fucking jackass walking around. I don't know, I don't look at it that way.

But I definitely see, yeah, if people don't listen to your shit, um, then you don't sell any of it, and then, yeah, your career is over. Absolutely, but... I don't feel that buying this shit is in the control of the fans. I think the artist makes something so great

you have to buy it. You know? And as far as, like, a TV show, I hate this expression, because I don't hunt, but I'm gonna use it anyways. As far as a TV show goes, that's an entirely different animal man.

I hate when people say that, but it kind of fits here. A TV show is different, because what you're doing there is you're... you're trying to go, like, you're commercially fishing. You don't give a fuck. You're trying to grab as many people as you can,

as opposed to just doing what you do. I can't explain it. Having a TV show goes beyond doing what you do, and if they, like, you know, build it, they will come. It goes beyond that. Because, you know, just because they weren't selling enough DVDs,

is that really a fan thing, or is that the cunts in the industry who have this corporate mentality where every quarter they have to make more money? You know what I mean? So it causes them to douche things after only two seasons. I mean, I don't know.

I'm not trying to belittle people who are fans. I don't think that artists should take their fans for granted, but I don't feel as a fan. Of all the people I'm a fan of, I don't feel like they owe their success to me. And if they don't want to sign something, I'm fine with that.

Does that make me fucking weird? I don't think... Ringo Starr is 70 fucking years old. What more is he gonna... How many more pairs of tits can that guy sign? All right? He's probably got diarrhea every other Thursday. I mean, can the guy fucking live his life?

I don't know. All right, let's move on here. All right? You know what I mean? Like, I just went to Stockholm, Sweden. I just said thanks to all the fans who came out. I don't take them for granted. You know?

I was fucking kissing babies and shaking hands at the end of my show. But I gotta admit, if I'm coming over here at 70, I want to be wheeled back to my hotel and drink some tea. And that wouldn't mean that I'm taking them for granted. It just means I'm fucking old and I'm tired. Do you know how many autographs Ringo has probably...

I've already been through this. He gets no credit. 50 years of autographs, it's not enough. And then people are gonna take credit for his success. I just thought that that was a little out of line. All right? That's all I'm fucking trying to say there, you know? And like I said, having said that,

I will be kissing babies and signing DVDs and taking pictures with those awful fucking digital cameras that for some reason take... Like, you just don't shoot, you know? You gotta hold the button down for like 19 minutes and you gotta... Is it the 18th flash or the 19th flash where I can finally stop smiling?

All right, plowing ahead. Bill, so something kind of ridiculous happened to me the other day and you're the only person who I think might appreciate my point of view on the matter. Okay. So there's this really good looking lady that works at the sandwich shop around the corner for my job. So I've been going there for like a year now

and I've always wanted to say something to her but never did because either the place was too busy at the time or I just pussied out usually the latter. So the other day, I finally man up and decided to say something and it went a little something like this. I go in after two so it's not as busy. I place my order. She makes me a wrap.

She hands me a wrap and I say, Excuse me. I've been coming in here for a while and I've always wanted to introduce myself and before I can even get the words out, her smiling expression turns blank. Her lips sealed tight and she kind of looks up at her eyebrows with that.

You got to be fucking kidding me. Look all over her face. I can only equate. Ah, shit. I just hit the wrong button on my computer. He goes, I can only equate the look to an employee. What an employee might have when they're done with their work for the week

and on Friday evening, right as they feel like they're going to get out of there, the boss comes and drops another hour's worth of paperwork on their desk. They can't say anything but you know they're thinking you fucking prick. So what I end up saying after I get this look from this chick, this is basically what the guy says. He said, excuse me.

I've been coming in here for a while and I've always wanted to introduce myself. You know what? Fuck it, never mind. And he goes, I turned around and I just walked out. All right. And he goes, now here's my issue. Dude, we've all been there.

All right. We've all fucking been there. All right. So he goes, now here's my issue. It's not that I was rejected. Big deal. That shit happens all the time, right? That's like an ongoing theme in an adult life

and I've learned to live with it. Jesus, dude. Don't jump off a cliff here. He goes, my problem is that sister society. I can't even talk to sister society. My problem is society dictates that the guy should approach the girl and all the girl really needs to do is look pretty,

throw a few signals and wait for dudes to start clamoring like morons. Is it fair? No. It's really not a big deal. It's one of the situations you grow accustomed to. But if that is the case and if all women have to do is be pretty,

then say yes or go fuck yourself. Could they at least wait 30 seconds for me to say whatever retarded shit I'm thinking before they shoot me down? All she has to do is wait a minute and say no thank you. But instead I get cut off by stink eye mid-sentence. Should I have told her to go fuck herself?

What are your thoughts on this sort of shit? You're a true and loyal fan. Bobo the douchebag. All right. What are my feelings on this? All right, first of all, dude, we've all been there. We've all, you know, you got it in your head. You're going to come up there like fucking Sean Connery

and one of those early James Bond. You even feel like you got a fucking tuxedo on. And then the second you open your mouth, you sound like fucking Arnold Horschach. And you even want to shoot yourself down at that point. Okay, but in answer to your question, should I have told her to go fuck herself? No, that's not, I mean, I'm just, you know,

having not been there. I can't, it would depend on what the look on her face was or how she looked. You know, if she was just some hot girl who didn't have a brain in her head, yeah, then you tell her to go fuck herself. But this is a really cute girl and you actually feel like, wow, I, you know,

I'd like to get to know that girl. No, you don't tell her to go fuck herself. It's actually in that moment when she gives you the stink eye is when you have to come up with something funny to say, something, something clever, something. So you show that you're not going to quit in life. Because that's what I hate to say, dude, but that's what you showed her.

You showed her that you have, you have the quit DNA in your fucking ball bag and she's not going to want to mate with you. But fortunately, there's plenty of other gazelles out there on the fucking Serengeti that you can try to run down. You see the Discovery Channel. Cheetah doesn't always fucking run the thing down. Sometimes it gets kicked in the face.

Then it sits there feeling stupid, especially when it realizes it's being filmed. It's going to be on basic cable. There's where you can, you can actually look at a bright side. It wasn't filmed. Did you just kind of come up with something in that moment that's funny and I actually kind of thought about it. What I would have said and I would have choked

even if I tried to come up with something funny because in the moment I would have felt like a douche and I probably would have attacked what she did for a living, which is the worst thing you can do. It'd be like, really? You've been working here for a year and a half. Two years, you're making sandwiches. You're not getting any younger there, sweetie.

All right, you know, it would have been bad. It would have been bad. It's very easy for me to sit here and tell you what you should have done. You know, it's kind of like, you know, when you watch a football game or something like that and once it ends and whatever the game plan was didn't work out.

Dude, why didn't they give it to Marshall? Fuck, I don't understand. It's easy to do that. So, I don't know what to tell you. You know what would be funny? You've got to go back there and keep ordering sandwiches. I don't know, that's fucking humiliating. You might have to find a new place to get a sandwich, dude.

I've got to be honest with you. I don't know how you pull yourself out of that one. What did you just say? You know what? Fuck it. Oh, this is what you do, dick. I say, just walk in. Just kind of be a dick, you know. Once you just walk up, hey, sunshine.

That's something. Don't listen to me. All my shit just always ends up with, you know, there's a reason I get heckled as much as I do because I'm an asshole. But as far as like what you said earlier, because I know there's a lot of women pulling their fucking hair out right now,

when you say all the woman has to do is be pretty and wait for the offers to come in. I don't know, dude, have you ever had a girlfriend? First of all, that whole thing of looking pretty from my standpoint and my experience takes at least four and a half fucking hours. And you never know. That girl might have been giving you the stink eye

because she's a really good looking girl and she has a job where she deals with the public. So believe it or not, the amount of ugly fucking out of shape dudes who actually don't have a problem approaching beautiful women is actually, it's pretty high. I mean, personally, I think it's funny. But if you're a woman, it's not as funny.

And I think that's something that took me a long time to realize how like uncomfortable that feeling can be. You know, because guys think, dude, I would love to be standing there women hitting on me. What you have to do is you got to see how we're physically made up. The fact that a guy, you know, what if there was this thing that physically could beat the shit out of you

and it wanted to enter your body? That's the only way to try to put yourself and what if it's if you're not attracted to it and you feel it getting angry when you're trying to communicate that, you know, you're all set, you know, and then there's the option that if they wanted to, they could give you a forearm shiver

and begin to execute their plan, you know? Oh, Jesus, how do I talk myself out of this one? You know what it's like? Put it this way, for all the guys listening out there, if somebody said, hey, man, I'll give you 10 bucks. This is like an old joke I used to do in my act. I'll give you 10 bucks to walk over to that birthday cake and stick your finger in it.

You got 10 bucks? Yeah, fuck it, I'll do it, you know? 20 bucks or whatever, just something, you know? You do it. You wouldn't think anything about it, whatever. Stick it in, you take it right back out, you know? You wouldn't give a fuck. What if somebody said, dude, I'll give you 20 bucks to take that cake and put it in your ass?

See what I mean? There'd be a difference. Then you would have some questions. You know, where's that cake been? Are you going to tell anybody? I usually don't do things like this, you know? That's why women, they approach sex that way. You know, they got to have rules on when they're going to fuck you and all that.

That example, I know on some level it made sense. I'm a little jet-lagged. I haven't done that joke in a while. I got to admit, halfway through it, it didn't even make sense to me. I'm just saying it, you know? Did I answer your question? So this is what you got to do. You got to treat women like I treated open mics, okay? You just know you're going to bomb and eventually

you're going to get good at it, so just keep, you know, make some notes what you're going to do the next time that happens. You know, maybe try to come up with a couple of lines. And I hope women, I hope you appreciate what a fucking pain in the ass it is for a guy to get laid. You know what I mean? And that's why there's the whole stud-whore double standard. Because basically, for a guy to get laid, this is what he has to go through.

This guy actually has to develop skills to get laid. You know, all you have to do is show up, you know? I mean, for a guy, the brass ring is getting a two-on-one, no TV credits, no, my dad has a yacht. You just get it from talking shit. That is the brass ring for a guy. Now a woman, her first night of fucking, all she'd have to do is lay down on a pool table, she could fuck every guy in the bar.

It's not a skill, it's gluttonous. You know? It's gluttonous. It's like watching a fat guy eat an ice cream. You never cut him, you don't cut him any slack. Haven't you had enough? Alright. I'm really glad I redid this podcast,

because this other one was not nearly as fucked up as this one. I don't know if it's funny, but it's definitely fucked up. Okay, here we go. Here's another one. Bill, I'm getting laid off at the end of the month. Naturally, I would like to go to the dentist before my benefits run out. What a sad fucking state, you know what I mean? Jesus Christ.

I really believe that people should have some sort of fucking health care. We really need to overthrow these fucking bankers because there's plenty of money out there if those banker cunts weren't fucking charging the US government interest for its own fucking money. Plumbing ahead. Anyways, here we go. Since I did not care much for my current dentist,

I asked my fiance for the name of hers. Alright, so just get you caught up. If you didn't get lost on my moronic rant with no information behind it there. Okay, this guy's getting laid off. He wants to get his teeth cleaned before his health insurance runs out. He doesn't like his dentist, so he asks his fiance for the name of hers. He says my fiance is Vietnamese and gave me the name of her dentist,

who is also Vietnamese. Bear in mind, this is a typical Vietnamese dentist's office. You have a dentist, an office manager, who's usually a woman over 50, and two or three, and he writes this in capital letters, hot Asian hygienists. I had a cleaning from one of the hygienists who couldn't have been more than 20 years old and screamed of junior college.

This was the high point of her career until she landed that MRS degree. I don't even know what that is. Maybe I'm dumb. So anyways, I'm getting my teeth cleaned. We were flirting back and forth. The appointment ended and we headed to the old 50 plus office manager. Before I could even utter a word, the old bag of bones said in broken English, this appointment is covered,

but you can't come back until you find another job. Jesus Christ. Anyways, he says, my hot hygienist, who up until that time was totally into me, quickly looked at the floor and made an immediate beeline to the nearest unoccupied exam room. Now, I am not a racist, but I was so mad, a sentence like this never ends good.

Okay, anything that starts with I'm not racist, okay? But these motherfucking, anyways, he says, now I am not a racist, but I was so mad that I could have slapped that bitch back to the Vietnamese rice patties of 1974. Here we go. He's not racist, everybody. How could she say that, especially in front of the hottie,

who was obviously as dumb as she looked? Jesus Christ, dude. When I got back to work, I told my coworkers the story and they implied that I was the victim of reverse racism. If I was Asian and had eyes that couldn't see through a keyhole, Jesus Christ, dude, she would have bit her tongue or said something more appropriate.

What do you think? Okay, what do I think? Alright, let me go with my first thought. Thought number one, dude, you should not be getting married. You should not be getting married, okay? Especially because not only are you hitting on these fucking women, you're so fucking like into this shit, like you just told me you were engaged

and now you're dragging me into your bullshit. Don't you hate when people do that? If a guy cheats on his girl, I don't give a fuck. Just don't drag me into it. So then I gotta fucking fix my face, too, the next time I see your girlfriend. Don't you hate when people do that? Do what you do. Do what you do.

Do it over there. Don't do it near me. Now you're telling me you're fucking engaged and now you're hitting on... First of all, why are you hitting on this girl? You know why? I'll tell you why. Because you're not done fucking. And because you're not done fucking, you're setting yourself up, dude,

for a brutal, brutal situation. The last thing you should be doing is getting married. You shouldn't even have a fucking girlfriend right now, okay? And then there's a whole weird thing where your girlfriend's Vietnamese, you go in here, they got all these hot Vietnamese girls and you're saying you're not racist, but then you're saying fucked up shit about them.

But I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the doubt because this is written, okay? And the one thing that sucks about writing shit is you lose the tone. And a lot of times people are trying to joke around, so it might have been the way I read it. So we'll leave all of that out of there. But dude, I'm going to tell you right now,

the biggest fucking thing about this is don't get married. You're not ready to get married, okay? I think you're ready to go to Vietnam and fucking hit a singles bar. I think you're ready to do that. But you are not ready to be married, so don't fucking do it, all right? You know, just sit down and ask yourself,

am I done fucking? I guess other women, because that's what you're signing up for. And you're going to lose half your shit and you're going to have to, even if you don't have a kid, you're going to have to pay alimony. At least that's how it works in New York, where you have to pay,

because for three and a half years you have to pay alimony to a healthy human being who really should just go out and get a fucking job, but for some reason they don't have to. So that's my advice. I would say don't get married. But as far as were you an example of reverse racism, now you were a victim of a 50-year-old woman

who is the typical front desk person at any medical place. They always yell out intimate information, like information, you know, constantly, because they're so in the job that they stop understanding that they're in front of the public. That shit, you know, you walk in there, oh, you know, Mr. Johnson, do you get that ointment? How did it work out?

They'll yell that across. You know, I actually worked in a dental office and I saw people get haggling over money all the time at the fucking front desk, and I saw it bother a lot of people. And I don't know. I don't think you were a victim of reverse racism. I think that the old bag of bones, as you call her,

probably would have said that to anybody else. She sounds like, you know, you kind of have to be a tough person to work the front desk because a lot of people try to get out of paying their shit. So what you should have done was talk to the dentist or even taken her aside, and that's what you do in that situation, just be like, look, you know,

I understand that I don't have a job right now and you really don't need to be yelling that. I think you owe me an apology. That's the way you handle it. You know what I mean? I wouldn't have go the reverse race. You've got to understand there's cunts in every race, so don't take it racially.

You know, if she said, hey, round eye, why don't you go get a job at Dunkin' Donuts so you can afford the next fucking payment, all right? You fat fuck. You know, if she said something like that, yeah. But she kind of laid the facts. She was rude. She was rude.

That's what I would go with on that one. Then again, I wasn't there. All right. What am I up to here? 39. Okay. I got to read this revenge story, and then I got to get off my day

because this is my last day in Stockholm. Sweden, yeah, and I want to go have a good time. All right. I called this part revenge or the revenge stories. All right. Here's a revenge story that comes back, bringing this topic back.

Here's this guy's revenge story. You always hear about people fucking up someone's car. I actually use this guy's car to fuck him up. And no, I didn't run him over or any stupid shit like that. This was more subtle and much more fun. I was employed by a company that made electronic equipment for computers

a number of years back, and I drove one of my... I drove one of the many forklifts in the warehouse during the regular day shift. It was one of those warehouses where the warehouse, the administration, was an all-in-one building which meant that everyone employed in the company

worked in the same location. The warehouse manager at the time, my boss's boss, was this short Mexican dude who stood about five foot five and was a fantastic shitbag asshole. I'm just going to let you digest that. I never heard that vulgarity put together that way.

Fantastic shitbag asshole and anyone taller than him, which meant pretty much the entire planet with the exception of China and maybe one island in Indonesia. Indonesia. God, I'm bad. He believed that leadership meant

he could be an asshole to whoever damn well he pleased, and it pleased him a whole fucking lot to be an asshole to me. I won't bore you with the issues or your listeners with the details, but his Napoleon complex drove his actions more than any other reason. What always happens when I start to read him bad,

I think if I read it faster, I will start reading it better. Why don't I take a breath, slow down and read the rest. Okay, here we go. Here comes the revenge. My job would be on the line if I outright, fuck,

outright faced off with this guy. So a brawl would be out of the question. And frankly, the whole morale of the workplace would lift a little bit if this shitbag was taken down a notch or two. So I decided to take matters in my own hands, without the use of physical violence

or property damage. Now this here is actually a unique way to go. Alright? Here we go. He said, what I did was I put up his car for sale. And here's how I did it. At the time I worked for this company,

the PT Cruiser had just come out and this Mexican closet case went out and bought himself one. Maybe he thought they weren't as gay as everyone else knew they were, but hey, this fuck nut didn't have both ores in the water in the first place.

Some months before, I struck up a great friendship with this chick who worked at the front desk, who also doubled as a human resource assistant. I took her out to lunch at a place of her choosing in exchange for this shitbag's home phone number. Here's where the fun begins.

I picked up two different local newspapers and I took out ads in the classifieds for this guy's car and arranged to have them run for a week. The ads basically said that I had a brand new PT Cruiser for sale for less than half the cost of the new one and I had to leave the country soon

but couldn't take the car with me. I also worked at odd hours and the best time to get a hold of me would be between the hours of one and five in the morning. Newspapers got really lax about their classified ads. Used to be they'd call the number you gave them to make sure it wasn't bullshit, but since the internet and Craigslist took over,

they rarely checked. I placed the same ad in two papers on Monday afternoon and quietly waited. Wednesday rolls around and I can already see the result of my handiwork. This fucker shows up to work without a shave, pours himself fuckloads of coffee all day, while cowering in his office

like one of those baby monkeys with the wire cage mother. I don't know what that means. He'd obviously been getting calls that fuck all hours of the night and couldn't sleep for shit. It may have cost me a couple of bucks to get the ads up, but to see this asshole bloodshot and out of his head more than made up for it.

That's actually pretty decent. And with that, I'm going to do overrated and underrated. And I actually have to commend that guy because there was no physical violence. Didn't chop his hair off. He didn't fuck up his car. He just had people...

I like how he also somehow had other people doing his dirty work for him. I'd give that one an eight. All right, overrated and underrated. Televised poker. Who wants to watch a group of Asians with mullets sitting at a table sober playing cards?

You know, you guys are really getting good at this writing shit. I think with each week when you write these in, it's making it easier for me to be funny. Nancy Grace. This media whore needs to change her fucking tampon or get a good night's dick in her. All right.

Child beauty pageants. Mom never won any beauty contests, so it's real important for her that her fucking spawn does. All right, you know what? I'm done reading. I don't know what happened. I can't read anymore. These are all great. I should read the rest of them next week.

I'm too fucking tired. I've been stirring over everything. Let's just end this goddamn podcast abruptly. I want to thank the person who sent me the Ram Super Bowl and I actually went on the internet and watched a number of other Super Bowls.

And I'm not going to tell you where they are for fear that the NFL is going to take them down, but they had the the original broadcast, not the NFL film version. They had the original broadcast of

Super Bowl III and all four of the Super Bowls that the Steelers won in the 70s. And I got to tell you, it's a real football education to watch those games without... I love NFL films.

They're beautiful. They make it in the drama and the music and everything. Some of them even had the commercials. They were fucking incredible. If you want to know where they're at, just email me and I'll let you know where they're at. Which is stupid, because if someone from the NFL is listening to this,

they send me an email. Whatever. You can find them. But anyways, I watched Super Bowl III and it really reminded me of Dan Marino. He couldn't sack the guy. He was totally picking up the Blitz.

He had that quick release. He was really picking them apart. But I got to admit, man, the Colts just fucked themselves. They threw three interceptions in their own end zone. Not their own end zone, in the Jets' end zone.

Like, they literally, like, conservatively left, like, points on the table in the first um, in the first half alone. And I'm not taking anything away from the Jets here, because they played a phenomenal game. But, like,

that Earl Morrell, man, he was the MVP of the NFL that year. Took over for Johnny United. I guess the guy's elbow was, was all tore up, so he couldn't play. But I mean, he had one, he had a touchdown. It was like a three-yard pass,

he threw it, like, 90 miles an hour to the guy's outside shoulder. It deflects off him. Easy touchdown. And it shoots up in the air. It gets picked off. They had a flea flicker at the end of the half, and this guy, Jimmy Orr, is wide open. Jumping up and down,

he misses them, and he throws into, to fucking... I mean, technically, it wasn't double coverage, but there was Jets all around the guy. They throw another fucking pick. I watched three, I watched Super Bowl IX, which is a great game. The first half, total defensive struggle.

And then in the third quarter, Frank O'Hara starts running wild, and it really wears down the front four of the Steelers. And the Steelers' defense is just fucking incredible. And something I didn't know, Terry Bradshaw was fast. See, I was too young to know that.

I saw older Terry, when he couldn't run anymore. He ran a 4-5-40. And he was a definite threat. But, um... And then Super Bowl X killed me, because I was a huge cowboy fans in the 70s, and watching them,

kind of, you know, they went up 10-0 in the first half, and just, they were playing real loose. Halfway through the second quarter, they started playing Marty Ball. They were sitting on this 10-0 lead with 2.5 quarters to go.

I fucking could not understand it. And then all of a sudden, they just creeped back into the game. And next thing you know, they're down by, I don't know, 6 points. Then they open it up again, and they fucking score touchdowns. I was really frustrating as a Cowboys fan, but I gotta tell you,

watching those great Steelers' teams was incredible. And Super Bowl X, Lynn Swan has, I believe, the greatest performance of any wide receiver in Super Bowl history. And that includes Jerry Rice. He has, arguably, two of the greatest catches in NFL history.

Super Bowl. The guy had like four catches for like 160 yards. And that last pass that Terry Bradshaw throws him, is one of the best passes I've ever seen in my life. I'm telling you, go on the Internet, find them. There's a lot of shit up there. There's that game where

Joe Montana becomes a superstar, that game where he fucking throws it to Dwight Clark, if you're a younger guy, and you never got to see those games. I'm telling you, just go on the Internet. You know where the fuck to go and find them, because

they're absolutely incredible, and I don't know. I got to watch three Super Bowls I'd never seen before. I'd basically plus the Rams, so I watched four Super Bowls. That's what I did in Stockholm, Sweden, when I couldn't sleep. I know I'm babbling right now, and this is

only interesting to football fans. God damn it, I forgot to talk about that Kegorator again. I saw this story on the Internet. I saw this TV show with this guy. He got a Kegorator, which I'd never heard of

before. It basically looks like a big desk. Some of the bigger ones, but it holds a keg in there. And you just have beer on tap. And he wheeled it. He had it in his kitchen. And of course, his wife is like, honey, it's ugly.

It doesn't match anything. HWAAAH! What does this fucking sad sack do? Does he say, it's my kitchen too! And give her shit back? No. He's like, oh, okay. And

they fucking wheeled the thing out into the garage. And he's like, well, I'll have the garage and I'll turn this into a man cave. You know something, if you're a man and you've been banished to your basement or your fucking garage, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You know what I mean? I don't understand that. Why? It's just not a partnership. I couldn't believe it. You know what it didn't really make me do? I want to get a fucking Kegorator. The only reason why I'm not gonna is because if I had one,

not only would it be a fucking raging alcoholic, I would weigh a good 240. I could have blocked for Franco Harris and fucking Super Bowl 9 if I had a goddamn Kegorator. But I'm telling you, if you're one of those people who doesn't give a fuck and you're already an alcoholic,

if you want to cut down on some of the expenses of, you know, we're always having to go to a store and then everyone's trying to have an intervention and try to help you not be an alcoholic so they won't go to the store anymore and you don't have to be standing there going, get me the booze like that dude on intervention,

get a fucking Kegorator. It's... I'm telling you, I didn't even know that they existed. I just wish I was like, you know, 15, 20 years younger and those things existed. Or maybe they did. I'd never heard of them. But I would have had one in my apartment

back in my old bachelor fucking days and I would have had shit on tap because that's back then. You remember back then? Your 20s was a tail end where you could fucking eat, drink 12 beers and eat McDonald's and somehow wake up with a flat stomach and barely a headache.

I swear to God. I've never done... I did a commercial early on in my career, a long fucking time ago. My career. But I kind of got away from it after a while. I don't know why. But that's something I would have no problem

doing a fucking commercial for. You know? I would have no fucking problem whatsoever doing a commercial for a... for a Kegorator. You know? Oh, by the way, somebody sent me this hilarious fucking email.

This is going to be one of these classic podcasts where I say I'm wrapping it up and then I do another 15 minutes. Where the fuck is it? This guy sent me this hilarious email. Remember last week when you guys asked me about... or somebody asked me about the bloggers? And I...

you know, that... that supermodel who outed the blogger and I basically said that I could see... you know, I could see the sides of it. Where the fuck is it? Somebody was really pissed at me for... God damn it, where is it?

On any level. Supporting that supermodel. I can basically paraphrase what they said but what they wrote was so fucking funny, though. God damn it, I can't find it. They basically said sticking up for celebrities. I knew you moving to L.A.

was a bad move. And it was something else about me being a sellout and then it just said, fuck you. Bye. You know? And I just... I just wrote back. I was just like, okay, have a good one.

I just thought it was funny. You know, I just think it's funny when people complain. I don't know, they... It's that thing that if you move to L.A. you become a phony. It's like... All that really proves

I was already a phony. You don't become a phony moving out to L.A. You're either a phony or you're not. There's phony people on the fucking east coast. How many times you fucking cunts back on the east coast gotta get fucked over by somebody in business?

Or like, dude, yeah, I'll be there. Yeah, I'm gonna pay you back. There's cunts all over the country. All right? There's cunts in L.A. too. It's just better weather. That's the only difference, all right? All right, that's it. That's the end of the podcast.

Thank you guys for listening. And thanks to everybody in Sweden who came out to the Ravell Theater where I was at. And thanks to everybody for keeping this podcast alive with your questions and all that type of stuff. I hope all you guys have a good week

and I'll see you next time. Let's begin. Let me know the way Before there's hell to pay Give me room to lay the lawn Let me go I gotta make a play To make my love stay

So I put an angel say The devil wants to know I gotta make a play To make my love stay So I put an angel say The devil wants to know I gotta make a play To make my love stay

Oh Oh, what I need Is a good man Because I'm feeling Like a criminal And I Need to Ice To do what I've

Seen again Because it's all I ever Do, I love Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh