Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-4-16

Episode Date: August 5, 2016

Bill rambles about dead babies, John Bonham and Will Grigg.

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and ahhh! I'm just checking it on you. Sorry, I'm losing my voice as always as I continue my way through. The first leg of the tour is over.

I did Dublin, Belfast, and Galway, Ireland, and I could not have had a better time, caught a little bit of a cold, but you know, that's what happens when you go out, you know, you have a couple of pops or whatever, and you didn't dress properly because you thought, you know, August in July over here was going to be fucking warm as shit like it is where I live. It isn't. It rains a lot. It's kind of cold.

I was run down, so I got a little bit of a cold, but I'm alright. But I don't think I had done Belfast by Monday. I don't think I did it. Maybe I was just going up there. I can't remember, but I got to tell you about Belfast. Fucking amazing, right? I go up there and I was playing, I wasn't aware of it. The place I was playing was Ulster Hall, which is, that's the first place, Led Zeppelin

played it, and that's the first place they ever played Stairway to Heaven live. So I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. So of course I Google that, and there's some bootleg audio of it, and the band actually said the song didn't go over that well. Sounded like they liked it enough, although the person recording it was kind of talking during some of it. And I found some pictures from when they did the gig there, and there he is, John Bonham, sitting right on the fucking stage.

And then of course they had to look up AC DC in 1979, they played there with Bond Scott. And a lot of these places you play by the time, you know, I come around to them, I'm it's like 40, 30, 40 years after these people that I love played them, so they usually redid the place and it doesn't look the same. Ulster Hall, they had not redone the stage. So I literally, when I walked up on the stage, got the fucking chills, couldn't believe it. So I don't know, the only way to describe the people in Belfast is you have to go there. Even if you didn't even know any of the history, like the seconds you get there, you're there

for about three to four seconds before you're like, you know what, I'm not fucking with anybody up here. The guy, I swear to God, the guy who was running Ulster Hall, one of them was like really nice, but this, you know, just regular, hey, how are you doing really cool guy, but the other guy was also a cool guy. But I cannot describe his vibe other than to say if he was in a movie, he would instantly be like a legend. Like I can't, I don't think I spent a long time since I met somebody, I can't explain

the guy's vibe. But I just knew that once again, the second I met him, I was like, this guy has seen a bunch of shit, this guy's not to be fucked with. And it was, I don't know, it was just a really, really, you know, anytime you go to a new city, it's so cool just to see all this new stuff. But when you go there and it's such a fucking unique vibe, I never felt like a vibe in that in my life. And then I get to play this legendary place and, dude, the guy running the place, I swear

to God, he should have been like in one of those fucking, one of those great guy movies, one of those gangster movies, he just had that vibe like, oh, this is the guy, this is the guy, if I pissed this guy off, I'm going to get fucking whacked. That was literally the vibe, right? So I go on stage and I'm up there, my shit's for the most part is working. And at one point I'm doing some stupid bit and I'm using like American sports references and it's like the second night in a row, they're not fucking working. So I finally just say to the crowd, I just go, all right, I go, obviously this is American

sports references, you guys don't know what I'm talking about or you don't give a fuck. I go, so, you know, I was trying to talk about a great player. So I go, so who's your best football slash soccer player? You know, who's like, you know, the greatest of all time. And this guy in the crowd said, uh, Will Griggs. And I was like, who will Greg and they're like, no, will Griggs. I go five will Griggs and then they all cheered, right? And I was like, all right, now I got the right guy.

So I continue doing my bits and anytime I need a sports pick, I'm throwing out will Griggs, right? And then there was something about the way they were laughing and the fact that I got picked on so much as a kid that it started to feel familiar. And I started thinking in my head like, wait a minute, are they fucking with me right now? So of course, after like a fucking half hour, I'm making a complete asshole of myself. Keep using will Griggs his fucking name. Like he's the second coming of paylay.

I finally look at the crowd and I go, wait a minute, are you guys just fucking with me? Is this guy a really good player or are you guys just making me look like a fucking? Is he just a piece of shit? You think it's funny to say his name, not a piece of shit, just a journeyman guy. And they all laughed and applauded that I figured it out. And what I loved is after they did that, I was like, these motherfuckers got me again. They're like the best hecklers or this is what killed me is after I figured out that they just sat there and were content, totally content to sit there and watch me not figure

it out or figure it out, make an ass to myself or eventually redeem myself. Either way, it was going to be entertaining to them. I really looked at the crowd and it was people of all fucking ages. I'm telling you, the Irish sense of humor, man, it's every time I fucking go over there. I told you the last time I went over there, I try, I'm just going like, oh yeah, you know, I didn't come from a touchy feely family. My parents, you know, my mother wasn't a big hugger. I never really hugged me, blah, blah, blah.

I was working to something else. It wasn't the point. I couldn't even get past that. The whole crowd just goes, oh, I know these are old stories, but I got to give you a refresher just so you understand what happens to me every time I go over there. And then also, I remember I was giving out free autograph DVDs because I wanted them to play them for their friends. So hopefully I would draw more people and I'm literally at the end of my act.

Thank you so much for coming out. I brought some DVDs. I autographed them. They're free. Please just take one, blah, blah. And I'm in the middle of just saying, I'm giving you a free fucking DVD that I lugged over there from the other side of the world. I'm in the middle of it.

And this guy in the back, I just hear this guy go, oh, fuck off. It just, I don't know. They're fucking great. So anyway, so I figured that one out. So the next day I drive out to Galway, where you drive across the country, which takes like three and a half hours to go from the East Coast to the West Coast. We go out there, some of the most beautiful land I've ever seen in my life. They got these fucking stone walls, dry stone wall, nothing holding them together

other than the fucking brains of the person that figure out how to place each rock. Absolutely back breaking work that some of the walls are like three, four hundred years old. And the drivers telling me all these great stories and all this shit. So I get out to Galway and I get it in my head because I have a fucking. I caught a cold at that point that I wanted to buy one of those Irish old man sweaters, an Aaron sweater, A-R-A-N or something like that. They kept saying it sounded like they were saying iron, like I-R-O-N, or

they just call them jumpers. He's like, well, you won't get a jumper or some shit. I thought they meant like a fucking rain cone. I'm like, no, one of those knitted fucking, you know, I'm an Irish guy and I want to have a fucking drink or some shit sitting next to a boat. They're like, yeah, jumpers. So I go, all right. So I get in my head that I want to buy one of these fucking things.

And so I like, all right, I'll do it the next morning before I go back to Dublin and then head over to England. So I go down to do my gig and I came up with the name of the fucking venue. And we were riding over and they just kept going, hey, just to let you know, you know, this isn't the most fanciest venue and blah, blah, blah, blah. And all I'm thinking of like, there's no way this venue is worse than some of the shitholes I played on the way up, you know what I mean? Or some of the fucking places, the comedy condos I stayed in.

And I showed up and the place was great, tremendous theater. They were more talking about the dressing room because the dressing room was basically the men's room. But even that was fine. They put some carpet down. It wasn't bad. So I'm waiting to go on and the act who's opened it up for me. She's hilarious.

The fuck was her name? I already forget. Oh, God damn, it was an Italian name too. She was hilarious. I'm the worst. My apologies. It was typical road. Like we've talked to each other for like 20 minutes and we'll, I don't know,

not see each other again for like five years. So anyways, she says to me, uh, she started telling me this story right before I go on stage as to how like, you know, back in the day, you know, if you weren't married and you were a woman, what the fuck was her name? Adriana? I'm the worst. Anyways, she starts telling me that back in the day, um, you know, if a woman got pregnant and she wasn't married to save the embarrassment, they'd send

them to this fucking place out there near Galway to basically have the baby. Then the church would take the baby. The woman would go back to the family and there'd be no embarrassment. And then the baby would then they'd make money off the baby by fucking giving it to some rich white people in America who wanted to adopt a white baby, right? Uh, but what happened was they had a ton of babies because evidently everybody over there was doing a lot of fucking and they weren't using any sheepskin.

Right. They didn't use that jumper and wrap it around their fucking dick. Or maybe they didn't. The semen got through. I have no idea. So anyways, they had a ton of fucking babies and toddlers and some of them were getting sick and it was kind of a big secret thing. Everybody kind of knew, but nobody said shit.

So evidently, when the babies died, they just fucking put them in like this. The comedian told me it was like a fucking, not an oil drum. And like a, what have you got? What do you call a big fucking thing that holds oil and it's underground? Big tank or some shit? Long story short, one time when they, whatever they went to dig it up, whatever they put them in, they found a mass grave of 800 dead babies and toddlers. She tells me this fucking story, right?

It's right before I'm going to go on and then she laughs. She goes, have a great set, right? So of course that became the reference. The entire show was the dead babies that were out there because Tom Rhodes told me that if he could live anywhere in the world, Galway is where he wants to fucking be. That's where he would stay. And that guy has been literally around the world.

So I'm going out there going, oh, this is going to be the most quaint fucking Irish fishing village ever. And it was, and right before I go on stage, of course, I got to hear about 800 dead fucking babies, right? So he is a kicker. Of course, anybody else who did that would be world famous for being the fucking worst person ever, right? Would make Hitler look like a J Walker, you know, and, but of course it was

the Catholic church. So there was really barely a fucking investigation. Nobody got in trouble. Nobody went to fucking jail. Um, so that's what I learned when I was out there. And I also, that there's a beer out there called, uh, Galway Hooker. Um, and I went out there and I proceeded to get so fucking hammered that the only picture I took of Galway was the fucking tap that you pulled.

It says Galway Hooker. I had to kind of try and remember what it was. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Bill, you said you're working to drink a lot on this tour. Well, I caught a cold. So, you know, you're supposed to drink a lot of liquids and flush it out of you. So, um, anyway, so the next day I wake up and, um, I don't know, it's kind of freaking about it out, about having to drive all the way back to Dublin and then

also having to go through customs to fucking then get into England and show my fucking papers and all of that shit that I woke up and, uh, I just realized I was like, I don't have time to buy that fucking sweater. It's an impulse fucking buy. I'll get one the next time I go there and I'm probably just want to buy it, you know, because I'm in Ireland and I'm drinking their beer and I'm getting all caught up in it. It's like you go to the Netherlands and all of a sudden you buy some fucking

wooden shoes. What are you, what the fuck are you going to do with them? What do I need a fucking Irish knit sweater for? I live in a goddamn desert, right? Although it does get cold at night. All right. And it's the fucking worst thing. Do you know, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and I'm like,

you fucking asshole. So now I'm going on their website. I can't try it on. I can't see which sweater I look like the least amount of a douchebag in. And then their selection isn't as good. And I can't tell the story that I got it in Galway, Ireland. When, you know, because if you have one of those sweaters and you wear them out and fucking LA, you just going to look like some fucking actory douche trying

to dress his type to get a part in the next time they do the movie departed. If I could actually be like, no, you hipster cunt. I actually bought that in Galway, Ireland, when I did a gig out there. So go fuck yourself. By the way, do you know about the 800 dead babies? That would shut anybody down, you know, but I didn't buy it. So I already have a fucking regret about that. But the upside is, is that just means that I, you know, I have to go back

and I have to buy one and I'm not going online to fucking buy one. I'm going to go back to O'Malley's out there and I'm going to fucking buy one next time I go out there. So thank you to everybody out in Ireland that came out to my shows. Thank you to Shane, my driver. Fucking drove like a fucking lunatic in a good way, made all kinds of great moves to get me there and back. I wanted to see the peace walls when I was up in Belfast and it was just

it got too late at night and we were driving a nice car and the tags clearly showed that we were from, I guess, you know, the Catholic side or whatever. So they were just like, yeah, we don't need to be driving by that wall. So maybe next time. And then also there's something weird about all the pain and suffering that everybody went through up there that you fucking would want to drive by it and like fucking rubber neck and take pictures and shit. I always, I always feel disrespectful when I do shit like that.

So anyways, the I ended up making my flight. I was way fucking early and I did Bristol last night. Amazing venue, unbelievable crowd. Jesus Christ, every crowd I've gone on stage. The way that they've been welcome to me has been I immediately go into my self conscious fucking, you know, Jesus, their expectations are too high. I'm going to do a bunch of shit and dick jokes and they're going to be like this show sucked or whatever.

I've been having so much fun. I actually did a two hour show last night in Bristol. I apologize to the people in the crowd. I mean, as much as you like somebody to go a little bit long, that's too long to have people sitting there. So my apologies. Anyways, so today also I get into Bristol. I stayed in this really cool in, you know, and it actually had a key.

The name of my room was not a number. It was just somebody name. It said Harvey's, you know, it's they had all these weird names and shits. He kind of had to remember what floor you were on. And I showed up and it was this really cool ass looking room and they had left like a little piece of chocolate cake with some powdered sugar on it and, you know, old freckles. I got a sweet tooth, some like fantastic.

I sit down to eat it and there's a bunch of little fucking ants all over it. Fucking gross. So I had to take it and I stuck it on the window sill. I forgot to remove it when I went to go leave. So I hope the cleaning lady finds it. My apologies to whoever gets that room after me. If you get that room, it's Harvey's and I left it out on the deck. It had this little deck area where you could sit down

and it was just fucking ants and they were all over the plate and I was blowing them off the plate and I'm like, what am I doing? Now they're on the rug. Let's get this whole thing out of there. And there was so many of them as I was carrying them, I was feeling them starting to climb on my hand. And I was just like, like running over to that little thing, trying to get it open and I stuck it out there.

So whatever, the ants love me because I didn't kill any of them and they all got a nice piece of cake. So this morning, taking you through the whole fucking trip, I'm driving up to Manchester. And I keep saying legendary Manchester because I read this book among the thugs, if you ever want to read a great book, it's about an American journalist, a yank who goes over and he somehow ingratiates himself to the supporters over there

and he gets really into the fucking the hoodlums and all. Hoodlums, whatever, and all that type of shit back when, you know, you were basically taking your life into your hand. It seemed anyways, when you went to a match back then. So anyways, we were driving up there today and I actually finally, a bucket list thing, I got to go by John Bonham's grave and pay my respects. And once again, you know, as much as I wanted to take a selfie,

it was just such a quiet, peaceful place. It just didn't seem right. So I didn't I did take a picture of the grave because it was just really cool. All the drumsticks and cymbals and stuff and the stuff that people leave there. And I did go in and sign the guestbook and it's cool. You go when you get to say a nice thing about the greatest rock drummer, in my opinion, of all time.

And I still can't believe that I got to go there. It's it's like, I don't know, you're walking in there and you're waiting for somebody to say, tell you to stop. You know, nobody does this little cemetery and you just sort of walking around looking for the you looking for the drumsticks leaned up against the headstone. And and then all of a sudden there it is. And I don't know, just that guy is so big in my head.

I couldn't believe, you know, even though he's been dead and gone for 30 something years, 36 years coming up. I don't know, that's. You know, it was it was an amazing feeling. And so I did that earlier today. And then we stopped off at a place, got some fish and chips, did the whole fucking English thing. And now I'm up here in Manchester.

I'm having the greatest time. These crowds have been awesome. So I'm playing the Apollo Theater tonight, which a lot of all these fucking bands that I listen to. You know, the fucking Beatles played there, the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin played there. I imagine James Brown, all the people from that era. I bet Jimmy Hendrix played there.

It's been there forever. And all those people, you know, were coming up during that time and played there. So that's what I'm going to be doing for the up until the show is trying to YouTube all like shows like that. So this this really feels like a fucking paid vacation. So anyways, let me I got a little bit of advertising here. I got to read if I can type in my password and talk at the same time,

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Recruiter by for free by going to ziprecruiter.com slash burr. That's ziprecruiter.com slash burr. One more time for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com slash burr. All right. There you go. How much time I got left 25 minutes. Um, you know, I was up late last night.

I couldn't sleep, you know, and I was reading up. I was watching a bunch of YouTube videos, trying to learn a couple of Mike Johnston drum fills watching this kid show me how to shave my own head. Um, and then also I stumbled upon, uh, I don't know how I got onto it, but I saw that whole fucking Twitter thing with Leslie Jones. One of the funniest fucking comedians I've ever seen, um, how she was, I guess online or something was on Twitter or whatever her movie Ghostbusters was coming out, right?

And, uh, a bunch of people attacked her, wrote all this racist shit. You know, I'm to all about freedom of speech, but there's gotta, you know what they should be on Facebook? People should have to use their real names and have their real face. You know, and then if you want to go say a bunch of racist shit, you know, rather than hiding behind your faceless picture with the fucking egg, it's just what a bunch of, just a bunch of fucking pussies. And that is so overwhelmingly depressing that people still think that way.

You know, I don't know. I also always wonder how people who attract that is their fan base. Never question what it is that they're saying. You know what I mean? Like if that's how your fan base behaves, and I'm not singling anybody out, but I've had experience myself with people like that. It's just like, you know, I don't know, even like a Donald Trump guy. At some point, he's never at any point addressed like, Hey, overtly racist people.

This is not what I'm saying with my speeches. He just completely fucking ignores it. 2016. It's fucking astounding. So, um, whatever. In the end of the day, Leslie's going to have the last laugh because she's living her fucking dream. And you know something?

I don't wish those racist people not to have their dreams come true. I just wish that they travel a little more, widen their fucking array of friends. And maybe they wouldn't be such ignorant cunts. All right, I'm off my fucking soapbox. So I'm in Manchester here tonight. Uh, I'm not going to lie, I've not been eating as well as I should, but you don't pay the price for it over in Europe the way we do in the States. I don't know what their food is.

It's just, I don't know, it's a better quality food. Uh, I can tell you right now, I don't give a fuck. We eat fish and chips though. Jesus Christ. They put it in a, they wrap it up in this piece of paper in the grease, but you can't even, like as it's coming through, the grease is already being absorbed in your body through like the skin in your hands. And I guess back in the day, the promoter Gordon was telling me, um, they

used to wrap it up in like day old newspaper. So by the time you ate it, some of your fries would have like, would be blackened with the ink from the newspaper. And I guess they would, up until 10 years ago, they finally, they, they were still doing it until somebody finally just said like, Hey, this probably isn't the most healthiest thing for us, our citizens to do. You know, let's say we actually just use a sanitized piece of paper, but, um, I was sitting down somewhere.

I don't even know where the hell I was, uh, right before we were going over to go up to John Bottomsgrave and, uh, you know, if you ever do that, by the way, like it's, it's, it's an amazing thing to do. And just, uh, I don't know, I, you'll see when you go there, you're not going to fucking sit there. I didn't want to say it cause someone would do it just to be a douche. Like one of the biggest asshole things you could ever do is to do that fucking, you know, that stupid picture that all the kids do, the, the Yolo douche photo,

you know, where you got the P side, you know, you'd have John Bottoms head stoned over your fucking head. Um, you know, it's, I'm telling you, even if you are one of those cunts, if you get there, you'll immediately just be like, yeah, this is not the place for that behavior. So, um, anyways, that is the, uh, that's the podcast here. Uh, looking forward to all these gigs. I do Manchester, then I got two nights in London, then I go to Amsterdam, then

I go up to Scotland. Uh, and then there's Germany and then fucking Belgium and then all Billy Freckles is going to meet up with the lovely Nia and we're going, I'm going to be on vacation. I can't fucking wait. Uh, and, uh, I'm all right. I got to whittle down my act though. I can't do a two hour fucking special.

You know, unless I call it for fuck's sakes, when you get to the point, you freckled cunt. All right, that's it for the podcast. Uh, have a good weekend. I'll check in here on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast.

And, uh, as you might have guessed, I am a little bit under the weather. Uh, I don't know what happened. Actually, I know what happened. I fucking traveled too, too much. I came back from my fucking vacation, flew across the country, was in LA for one day, got right back on a fucking plane, you know, that tuba germs. And then I did four hours of radio in the morning and that'll do it. If you ever wonder how a comedian gets a fucking cold in the middle of a

goddamn summer, you know, it was, or was this lady in the magazine store? When I was in LAX, I went in to go buy a little trail mix, you know, trying to not spend any fucking money when I'm on the plane because I'm sick of these guys with all their added charges. So like, I know what I'm going to do. That's a loud truck. You let them get up the hill for a second. All right.

I was like, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to buy some trail mix and I'll get a water, a couple of waters. And I'll just nibble on the fucking nuts and the berries or whatever the crap I was going to get. And so anyway, so I go to the magazine store and this lady behind the counter, this lady behind the counter had this fucking middle of the winter cold. I couldn't believe it.

I mean, I'm talking like, you know, when you get a cold, there's that day and a half where, you know what I mean? It's like, if we lived in a little more of a police state, you'd be fucking quarantined, you know, it was like that part of the cold. And she's fucking at work. She sounded like me, except her nose was running and shit. And she's fucking like, yes, well, at this moment, she just wish she had exact change.

You know what I'm saying? You know, every time you stand in line, there's always that fucking asshole, usually a chick who takes out the little change purse and gives them the exact fucking thing. I bet they never get colds, or at least they don't get them for fucking people in a magazine store or something. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't even know what I'm saying.

You know, that's so much fucking medicine I got in me right now. I slept in 20 minute increments last night fucking blowing my nose. And what's funny is whenever I get a cold is I sound like that guy from Sexy Beast. Did you ever see that movie? You know, the beginning part when he's laying in the pool, the next to the pool, and he's just like, I bloody hell. I was sweating here, roasting, boiling, baking.

Sweatering. It's like a sauna. It's pretty good, right? London. What is he? Well, London. Every cop with a long face, they'll make me laugh. All right.

Oh my God, my fucking head is killing me. You know, my fucking head is killing me and I'm still doing the podcast because that's how fucking dedicated I am. Actually, yesterday was the worst part of it, you know, and I had the double clogged, like some important cement in my nostrils. So I had to walk around my mouth open like P. Diddy does and Shaq. Remember I talked about that, that disease where your mouth is open. Even when you're not talking, you know, maybe Shaq and P. Diddy are those,

those kinds of people who they always have a, you know, you ever go to school with somebody, they always had a cold. You know what I mean? It's like if we lived in the olden days, they're the ones who would have fucking, you know, caught some sort of fever and died when they were six. I just never had a chance because there was no penicillin. You know, look at you. You're like leather, you're a leather man.

I can't get that fucking movie out of my head. I watched Sexy Beast, the whole fucking way up to Denver and the way back. Such a great fucking movie. Teddy Bass, Mr. Black Magic. Um, all right. So if you're new to my podcast, I'm usually, uh, I'm usually not sick. In fact, this might be the first time I've ever been fucking sick when I've done one of these and, uh, it's horrible.

It's just, why, I don't know, why is it cold in the summertime? So much worse. I don't, usually you guys ask me questions. I get a question. See, why is that? You know what I mean? I, I don't get it. That's one of those moments where you try to speak and then your nose just fucking

clogs up. So you're going to swallow. This is terrible. All right. Here we go. Let's get into the fucking, the questions. If you're new to my podcast, like I said, I'm not usually fucking sick. Right.

As you don't have this late night DJ sort of voice, it's a little higher up like fucking Steve Buscemi and, uh, whatever people send me questions, or I ask them questions and I fucking bullshit around and I hype stuff that I have coming up. Like for example, um, I have a one hour special called, why do I do this? Coming out August 31st, very easy to remember the last day of August. It's a Sunday night. You know, why don't you curl up with a special someone and, uh, 200 of you closest fucking friends, not even that, just find someone who has a fucking

Nielsen box, you know, you know, the old ladies who are into Jesus because I think they're the only ones who get boxes. Everything about that. If you had a fucking Nielsen box, like what would actually stay on the air and what wouldn't, you know, would you feel some sort of responsibility? Would you deliberately be an asshole and watch bad shows just to keep them on? Um, I don't fucking know. All right, let's get, I only got one question this week for some fucking reason.

I don't know why. I know I got more, I couldn't find them and I feel like shit. So I'll go through them and I'll try to find it for fucking next week. But as of right now, this is the one and only question for this week. But all you have, all right, I wanted to know that being in your 30s, I'm actually 40, do you feel you've accomplished a lot as a comedian so far? Or do you feel you should have a bigger fan base and be a little more well known among popular celebrities, not saying none know about you though?

Okay, there's a lot of questions in there. Okay, first of all, I'm 40. Do you feel you've come a lot as a comedian? Yes, I do. Do I feel I should have a bigger fan base? I feel I could have been smarter as a business person. I don't know, you know what, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. And that's how you have to think when you're in this business, because if you

start looking at other people and comparing, that's the quickest way to be fucking miserable. And I already have a cold and I'm already miserable. So why start beating myself up? No, I actually think I have a great level of notoriety where I feel I'm respected as a comic and that's what I wanted, you know, as far as being bigger. You know, I had to get good first and, you know, I'm not going to come up with the catchphrase and shit like that, but I am getting better at the business. Like, I've been taping all my sets and when stupid shit happens with the crowd,

I've been putting them up, you know, trying to put them up on YouTube to keep my fucking face out there. So I'm trying to get a little bit better, but, you know, but do I think that should be more well known among popular celebrities? You know, what's fucking hilarious is for some reason in my world, celebrities don't watch TV, they don't watch movies and they have no idea. They're just on TV, you know what I mean? So I would just, you know, I was assumed they didn't watch it, you know, kind of like

if you're a mailman, you wouldn't go home and then watch somebody deliver mail. You'd be like, dude, I did that all day, you know, but I don't know. I did that spike TV awards and there was a ton of fucking celebrities there. And I got to be honest with you, none of them knew who the fuck I was, which, you know, I think is about right because I need to be honest with myself. I could walk down the street and I don't get mopped, you know, when I go walk down the street to get a slice of pie or some shit, it doesn't end up on TMZ. Like, oh my God, you got, you got to see this.

Bill Burr got a fucking Snickers bar. Okay. And it's like, he couldn't even open the wrap or, and then that old guy on the show was just like, oh fuck, that's definitely making this show. That show is, uh, it's unwatchable. It's unwatchable not because of the clips. I'd watch the clip, but when they go to their little fucking home center and they try to act like absolutely nothing is something, you know, where they're like

fucking, uh, I don't even know. I could never make it past that open in part. Well, they just start talking about, you know, okay. Meryl Streep, evidently, she's in the deal point and she wants to make this fucking American flag deal point and she forgot to get yard. So she was a little upset when she drove back to the yarn store and then the old guy, oh my God, that's making the show. I'm roasting here boiling.

Swallow it. That's my favorite word. He says, swallow it. All right. Uh, this is tremendous. All right. Um, last week I talked about shit that was underrated or somebody asked me what I thought the most underrated and overrated thing was, which shot off a big

debate here and, uh, so people sent me in shit. What they think is underrated and what they think is overrated. Okay. So let's start with this first person. Uh, they would say, I would say marriage is overrated big time. I was married and it didn't work out. So fuck it. I think it's overrated.

That's fucking hilarious. Anything that you had a shitty experience with, you know what I mean? You just automatically thinks it sucks. Like if you saw a beautiful girl, you know what I mean? You know, and you're sitting there talking to your friend. Oh my God, she's beautiful. She's gorgeous. Uh, God, what do I say to her?

When you go up and you ask her out, ask her to dance and she turns you down. Then immediately you're like, she's a cunt. Yeah, I don't, I don't think she's that hot. Anytime anybody brings her up for the rest of time, you're going to say it's overrated. So, you know what? I don't think marriage is overrated. I think if you're with the right person, it's got to be a great thing. You know, because what happens is, as you get fucking old like me, you become susceptible

to colds, the middle of the fucking winter. And, uh, you know what I mean? Well, what are you going to do? You know, at some point you want some sort of companionship and, uh, I don't know, I'm gradually getting towards, uh, I don't want to be fucking alone. You know what I mean? Is that why people get married though? I think people get married their 20s because they want to have kids and I think

people get married their 40s because they don't want to be alone. You know what I mean? Why am I talking to you guys like you can fucking respond? Like this is some sort of live shit. Like this is some sort of fancy fucking technology. It isn't. Okay, next thing somebody said, John Mayer is overrated. He's a boring guitar player.

He's boring. Uh, people need to stop saying he's like Jimi Hendrix. I didn't know they were saying that. I knew that all of a sudden he stopped doing that. I will run down the halls of my high school. Whatever happened to that? Screaming at the top of his lungs. All of a sudden he's playing with Steve Jordan, my favorite fucking drummer of all time.

Um, okay. You think he's overrated? I might go with that a little bit. I might go with that a little bit. I think he's definitely a fucking awesome guitar player. He's got a ways to go, but they already got him up on guitar center where they got like Stevie Ray Vaughn clapped it and then it goes John Mayer. I think that's a little bit premature.

You know, in a guitar center sense, what the fuck do I know? I catch colds in fucking summer. All right. Next one underrated. I would go with underrated. I would go with friendship. Isn't that a nice answer? It's something a lot of people take for granted.

People want to go out and meet a chick and hook up. And yeah, I do that. Well, look at this guy fucking talking himself up. Yeah, people want a two on one, you know, fucking happens. You wear the right shirt. You got a good rap like me. Anyway, but good friends are always there for you. No one ever goes out looking for a friend, but I'm glad I've got some.

I hope that didn't come across as lame. That's the funny thing about a guy. If you ever remotely open up emotionally, you have to do a preemptive strike and kind of call yourself half a fag before somebody else did. Look what a nice sweet little paragraph he wrote there. But good friends are always there for you. No one ever goes out looking for a friend, but I'm glad I have some. That's how we heard it in his head.

He's like, oh fuck, I need to correct this quickly. Do some damage control. I hope that didn't come across as lame. By the way, somebody's blowing me right now. And yes, it is a female. All right. What else we got? All right.

The crazy chefs. Oh, this is a question I asked. If you watch that Hell's Kitchen, my girlfriend watches that shit and I can't watch it because when that guy starts yelling at those people, I just, I lose all respect for him because there's no way I could fucking sit there. You know, bad enough. I got to go. Yes, chef.

You know what I mean? Like he's fucking general Schwartzkopf or something, you know? On top of that, if he's going to be screaming at me like, where are those nachos to fuck his world with you? I would just, oh, the whole plate of nachos. I would heat up the cheese first. I'm talking fucking, I do it just to the side of his face. You know what I mean?

Just to make his life more miserable, because he was just totally fucking, just get him, you know, just half his face. So he looked like that guy in Dick Tracy. He'd always have to cheat to his right or his left. Well, that was really fucking evil. And I really thought that out, didn't I? Um, but anyways, the person said the crazy chef could act the way he does, because apparently his food is amazing.

I don't know for sure. I can't afford to eat in his restaurants. So you really don't know what the fuck you're talking about that. Um, okay. I can understand why you don't understand Bruce Springsteen. It's kind of like how I am with Bob Dylan. That's another fucking guy, I think is overrated. And I know that's unbelievably, I guess, ignorant.

Because there's a whole generation of people that freak out. I don't get it. I don't get it. He, he sounds like he has a cold all the time. They're changing. No, I got too much of a cold. I used to be able to imitate him, but fucking try looking. I'm playing on one bad knee this week.

All right. That was the worst fucking impression I've ever done. Hey, don't leave. Still got a lot more songs to play. Um, that's actually a quote, somebody I knew had when Bob Dylan was going through his shitty fucking time in the 80s. When he was playing with Tom Petty and somebody opened for him and blew him on stage and everybody was walking out.

And I guess Bob Dylan, the fucking legend of the 60s was on stage going, Hey, don't leave. Still got a lot more songs to play. Um, all right. Uh, what else we got here? Oh, this, I love this person's cool. They had made a nice quick list. Well, I didn't have to read a whole fucking paragraph.

Overrated. Kobe Bryant. Um, I don't know if he's overrated because that guy does get a ton of shit, but I was one of those people before last season, I was saying that he had the skills of Jordan and then I watched classic sports and I watched Michael Jordan and then I went, Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. Um, he's still the shit though.

All right. Number two, a rod, a rod's overrated. Yeah, I guess a little overrated. Money's fucking plump. Getting paid. He's not a winner ring. I go with that. The Spider-Man movies.

That might be my favorite thing that someone has said is overrated. Those movies fucking suck. Those movies are the worst fucking. They're just bad. That was such a great cartoon. And then they just, uh, what the fuck was the name? Uh, I was going to say Noel Wiley. That's a guy from Avenger the Nerds.

What's the name of the dude who fucking, there's like two stars out there that look exactly the same to me. And I don't know their fucking, I know Elijah Wood. Is that the rings guy? The Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings guy and the guy from Spider-Man look the exact same. And if you were to scalp Josh Hartnett, they'd all have the exact same fucking haircut. It's sort of an updated mo from the three stooges, but those, those movies suck.

Um, I didn't see the last one when they had the black suit. That was my favorite period in Spider-Man when he got the black suit and made him be fucking evil and he couldn't control it. But judging by the first two movies, I was assuming they were going to fuck it up. You know, I just realized just that apparently thought, what if the guy directed the Spider-Man movies for some reason knew who the fuck I was getting back to celebrities and that type of shit. And he decided to fuck and listen to my podcast.

He's like, this guy's great. He's funny. Anyway, as a cold, he can get a couple of laughs, Bob Dylan impression sucks, but you know, he's playing on one knee and then all of a sudden I trash his trilogy. He's like, all right, you don't fuck him. And he calls up an aging Donnie most. All right, underrated, uh, I thought this said Robert DeNiro. This is the way I have dyslexia.

The person actually wrote Roberto Durant. Uh, yes, Roberto Durant was fucked after the no moss fight, but, uh, yeah. Hands of stone. Yeah. Oh, you know what? It always goes back to fucking Sugar Ray Leonard. And I don't like how Marvin Hagler actually plays second fiddle to fucking Sugar Ray Leonard.

Marvin beat him. All right. I'll fucking Sugar Ray Leonard. If you do that little flashy, those little poo poo poo poo fucking punches at the last 30 seconds, he fucking steal the round. And he had on shiny shorts. The next thing you know, he wins the fucking fight. It was bullshit.

Um, that's how you else Tommy Hearns go on YouTube. And once with Tommy Hearn knocks out Roberto Durant. It's one of the most vicious fucking left hooks I've ever seen in my life. He's like, he's one of those freaks of nature where he weighed up like 158, 160 pounds, but somehow he was like 61 or 62 so he could hit you from across the room. If you watch his arm, when he throws, it's kind of like the molar technique. Huh? Anybody else?

Anybody else trying to learn that shit on the drums? Uh, underrated number two, voting, uh, is underrated. You know what I think protesting is? I think people need to learn how to protest again in this country. I couldn't protest, man. If I fucking went to a protest, I would feel like I was on the set of a movie about protesting because it seems so cliched. You know what I mean?

Maybe they could get some new chance. It's like everything has to rhyme with four. You ever understand? At a fucking protest, it's always one, two, three, four, we don't like your fucking war. Who's sewing, so is a fucking war. We're walking out the door, whatever it is, you get really limited. You know what I mean? It needs to, that, that the art of protesting, it needs, needs to progress.

I'll tell you what's fucked up. I was just in Denver, right? Had an awesome time out there at the comedy works and they have the Democratic National Convention is coming to town. And this is how much of a fucking police state we subtly live in, in this country. They actually have a designated area where people can protest. It's 200 yards away from where people are going to be speaking and going in. So when you watch it on TV, you're not going to see the protesters.

You're not going to see that there's any sort of unrest. It's really, it's really a bad, bad, bad thing. Now, I know you have to protect these people, the politicians and that type of stuff. But if the people of this country aren't happy, that should be shown, which is the danger of having seven guys own all the fucking media in this country. You know, fucking Rupert Murdoch even owns my space. Bloody hell. Every cunt with a long face.

All right. Now, number three, this is my, this is a good one too, underrated phone sex. Phone sex cures AIDS. Okay. You heard it here first. People out there, people out there. People out there, they're in their labs and they're shaking stuff up and fucking graduated cylinders up telling you, all right, phone sex is better than having sex

with a condom because condoms suck. Okay. But if you don't wear a condom, then, then you're like, oh, let me ask you this. How many times have you guys done that? How many times have you made a mistake and then God and got yourself fucking tested? You know what I mean? And you just sitting there. That's when you always renew your relationship with God when you're in the

waiting room for your yearly physical, you know, I did it like three times. I fucked up where I was just like sitting in that waiting room going, I swear to God, I know I said it, but I swear to God, I will never do that again and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But fortunately, I have not had to live through that hell in years, but that's what brings it back to phone sex. That's why phone sex is fucking great because there's no worry of STDs. There's no problem with, you know, if you just met the person, you won't think, you

know, if you're in a relationship, obviously you want to be there with the person. But like, you know, that awkward moment after you hook up with somebody and you just want them to fucking leave and maybe even they want to leave, but it somehow has to be finessed. There's no real finesse. After you have to finesse a little bit, after the phone sex, you got to kind of be like, oh, what are you doing this week? But you can make faces like, God, I fucking hate doing this.

You can be doing that because you're on the phone. You know what I mean? I thought it was funny. I actually, it is actually bad. I actually hung up on someone during that phone sex. It's one of the meanest things they ever fucking did. I was drunk and the person stunk at it and they were annoying me and it was frustrating and, you know, like when you're sober and you think, why don't you

just do this and you're like, because it's really fucking mean. But when you're drunk, whoever that person is in your head who says, don't fucking do that goes away. They take a nap. I think that's the first thing that passes out in your head. When you drink is that person that says, don't fucking say that or don't do that. So I was in the middle of it and I just hung up on the person and then they called back and I was like, gosh, shit.

Now, if I was smart and I was sober, first of all, I wouldn't have hung up on him. And, and even if I did hang up on him, I wouldn't answer the phone. And then they would have thought it was a drop call, but me being drunk, like a fucking idiot, I picked the phone up and I was like, hello. And she was like, did you just hang up for me? And I was trying to come up with a lie, but I was just too drunk and I just went, uh, yeah, I swear to God, you know, if I don't make it to heaven, it's going to be because of that moment.

That's one of the meanest fucking things I ever did to somebody. And, uh, you know what? I never apologized. Maybe I ought to do that just like that fucking TV show. What is that show called? Pay it forward. My name is Earl. Yeah, that's it.

I should really, you know, I should really try to, uh, I should really try to set that straight. So, uh, phone sex, yes, it's definitely underrated, but you got to watch out though now because, uh, the government can listen to your phone calls because they're trying to get the terrorists. It's not because they're trying to put more of a stranglehold on your fucking freedoms. Oh, hey, here's something for you.

Someone was telling me that they sort of subtly part of a bill passed some shit where when you cross state lines, the cops can pull you over and take your laptop and your cell phone. No questions asked. You don't even, what the fuck is that about? And like always, I didn't even research this. Someone just said it. I took it as law and now I'm putting it out there and it really just sort of

freaked me out. You know what? I really think that we are heading towards a very violent period in this country's history. I don't know what the fuck is going on. You know, they're building this highway from Mexico to Canada, which is not bullshit. That's actually true.

Mexico's going to own it. I don't get what we're doing. I don't like it. I'll tell you right now. I don't fucking like it. I'm going to get a Spanish villa and I'm going to lay out there in a little fucking yellow speedo, get the sunburned, bloody hell. All right.

I'm literally fucking, I'm clammy right now. That's got to be one of the most disgusting words in the fucking English language, clammy. Picture the one famous person you would love to meet and hook up with. Now picture them clammy. Didn't that just ruin it for you? Huh? All you ladies out there.

How about a clammy, Brad Pitt? Oh, that's disgusting. All right. Um, a couple more underrated, overrated things. Then I'll wrap this fucking thing up here. Uh, what are we doing here? I never got spinners on cars. I never understood spinners on cars, especially minivans.

Who the fuck are they kidding? Yeah, those spinners, things were, uh, those are in for a minute. Allegedly the first guy to have them, the debut one was La Trelle Sprewell. Is that true? Cause the first time I heard them, they were called the trells. Um, Jesus Christ. Where the fuck did that memory come from? Uh, one more thing.

I never, oh, biggest height, the segue. Remember that fucking thing? That's another great one. The segue. Remember that? You just stand on it and you lean forward and it goes forward. Now they just have cops using them in meter mates. I don't fucking know.

Is that who does it? I have no fucking idea. All right. You know what? I think what I said, I was clammy. That was the time to fucking hang up. So, um, so there you go. There's your whole, uh, there's your whole fucking list there.

All right. There's a bunch of underrated and overrated things. I got to, uh, I don't know what I got to do. I got to drink liquids. Who the fuck though? You know what I did trying to get rid of a fucking cold? It's how dumb I am. I went on the fucking internet, right?

And I always heard garlic was good for you. So I go on the internet and I just go to like fucking, you know, what's up with garlic.com or some bullshit. And to this part, like they got people on YouTube who eat raw garlic. Trying to say that it helps you. You can put it in peanut butter. Fucking nasty, right? But I'm feeling so bad.

I had three shows Saturday night at the fucking comedy works. I'm desperate. So I actually got honey lemon fucking tea or whatever it was. I don't know what the fuck it was. I put honey in there and then I put two raw garlic cloves, fucking just diced them up and put them in there. And, uh, I don't think it helped me, but I'll tell you, it definitely fucking distracted me, but I guess, I don't know.

Does anybody know about that shit? It's supposed to be if you eat garlic, uh, we fucking, do you want to talk about fucking overrated or underrated? It's got to be garlic. You go to their goddamn website. They got to cure and everything from fucking the cold to aft cancer. You know, they said back in the day, if you had a wart, people used to rub garlic on it.

And I'm like, really? I'm thinking, oh shit, maybe that does work. And then I'm thinking, or maybe they didn't have compound W. You know what I mean? So they had to fucking put food. You know, you had an appendicitis. You put fucking chips on your stomach. That doesn't make any sense.

But does it? I'm going to that conspiracy too, that these fucking drugs are bullshit and that we should have listened to the Native Americans more. I'm going to be great. We went to the doctor then, got in a slice of your open. He just fucking dressed up like that. Eyes wide shut party in the end of the movie. He just sort of danced around a little bit and threw some basil on you.

How much do you think that visit would cost? Right? We would need fucking nationwide healthcare with that. All you'd need was a balcony and a little bit of sunlight. That's the gayest thing I've ever said. All right, that's it. I got to update my website here. My next show is in Miami.

It's in, which is in Florida, and I'm going to be at the improv. Now, allegedly white comedians don't do well down there. That's what I was told the last time. White comics do not do well down there because, you know, they just go to see Latino people because there's a bunch of Cubans down there. And so if you're Cuban, give this white guy a chance. And if you've got a white friend, why don't you bring him out to sort of balance out the crowd or just bring one so I get a familiar face in the crowd.

You know what I mean? Because the only thing I know about Cuba is fucking Scarface. That's it. I know that. I know they fucking got great cigars. Well, I know some shit about Cuba. They all drive around in cars from the 1950s because of our economic sanctions or what they'd say is because communism doesn't fucking work.

Um, you know what? None of it fucking works because people can't handle power, myself included. You ever notice that shit? Take the average nice fucking dude. You make him a bouncer. He's instantly a fucking asshole. And it just has to do with, it has to do with that shit. So I don't give a fuck.

I don't even want to fuck I'm talking about right now. I don't go from Cuba to talking about a bouncer. Oh shit, the headache went away. I'm walking around now. I'm roasting here. Boiling. Sweltering. All right.

If this podcast suck blaming on fucking talent, OPM, Ferro flu, airborne and two raw garlic cloves, cause none of that shit fucking worked. All right. There you go. Thank you for listening and please watch my special. My CD is in stores. I think today my new CD, which is the audio for my upcoming fucking special. Oh no, it comes out August 5th.

All right. That is it. Thank you for listening. Hope I made you guys laugh in my clammy state. All right. Jesus.