Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-5-21

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

Bill rambles about movie make-up, pile on teams, and bicycles.

hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you just checking in on you to see how you're doing I just had a smoothie for dinner oh boy exciting I had a fucking smoothie for dinner and I don't think I made it right it tastes weird I could taste what it was trying to be and then I looked at the ingredients and I realized that I fucked it up the hell was it here it was I'll tell you the recipe I got it on Christine's chicken no Kristen's Kristen's kitchen Christine's chicken see this is why I did bad to school like I

have some fucking fucking undiagnosed dyslexia or I'm just stupid Kristen's kitchen became Christine's chicken a cocoa almond protein smoothie three quarters a cup of Greek yogurt a half a cup plus two tablespoons of milk I didn't see the two tablespoons of milk I just did a quarter of a cup of milk one medium banana sliced preferably frozen half a tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder two tablespoons almond butter two teaspoons of ground flax seed that's optional and three quarters a cup ice of ice cubes I should say three quarters of a cup Jesus Christ I don't know what I did wrong with that but it did not look

like the one that they made because you know what they did was after they made it they then put a little they put like three banana slices on top and then they they crumpled some dark chocolate on top of it you're like what the fuck is that and then you look at yours after you get done making it and it just looks like you know somebody shouldn't have drank the water but it tasted good and I'm hanging in there you know I had an acting gig today you know and I had you know low-budget things so I had to bring my own costume as they say my own ward robe and I grabbed some slacks and a shirt and it ended up being you know from

my skinny days and I was able to fit I had to squeeze in but I was able to fit so I'm getting back all right I feel like I'm past the halfway point and you know I'm sticking with this shit although I am going back East coming up to Foxwood so that might be a bad couple of days but I don't know what I'll do I'll find an elliptical somewhere or I'll do something I'll do something I will figure out something but I've had a really really really good week I had such a good time on that acting gig today and you know I had to play you know like I said I only had a couple of lines playing this little character and what's great

though is when you have a shaved head you know and then you shave your beard off like the like the hair person now has a complete blank slate to work with and they can just age you make you younger whatever and we just had a fucking blast today and I came out I didn't even people didn't even know it was me it was so much fucking fun so much fun all right so that's for all you young actors out there right if you fucking unsightly like myself and you losing your hair just know you know there's so much fun to be have still you know it's okay if you don't look like Brad Pitt you can look like me and still

get fucking work and then just steer into how fucked up you look and then it just becomes like the best time ever and that's what I did so we shot today at this location the guy who led us in he had what looked like a Harley road king but it had like the windscreen and the radio and all of that on it and oh did I get the motorcycle bug oh my god did I get the motorcycle bug once in your life if you're an American you got to ride a fucking road king you just have to do it so I don't know I just he turned it on buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh thing fucking that engine that v-twin whatever the fuck they call it I was

just like I I want one of those I didn't want one and then I saw yours and I heard it and now I want it you know it's how it works it's basically how it works so but anyway we did the acting gig and everybody I was working with was fun director was awesome and it was a really fun project and you know got in and out of there in like a half a day I mean actually the longest thing was the hair and the makeup peel that shit off me afterwards or the makeup lady doing it and she did a great job too I'll tell you underrated underrated if you're acting and they put a bunch of stuff on you at the end of the day if the makeup person

actually hangs around and gives you the right products to get all of that extra shit off of your face is incredible because there's some people I've worked with in like a week after I've wrapped on the gig you know I'll just scratch behind my ear and there's still glue or something something stuck there it's like invisible you can't see it and you got to have some oil-based thing to get it off and then finally it just starts looking like like what is that is that an old-age spot and you realize it's this is gross it's like fucking old glue maybe not a week later but like a day or two later it's just fucking like you

just feel like you can't get clean so anyway shout out to my Boston Red Sox who I've been watching for the last five games including tonight of course I sit down on the you know Billy the mush you know I watch them lose four straight games get swept by the the Devil Rays I watched that whole series and I watch them lose the first of a three game set against the the Detroit Tigers but tonight they won and I hit a couple of home runs and shit getting to know the team you know getting caught up getting ready for fucking October baseball and everything and love and listen to Eckersley in his

own language you know it's just fun listening to that guy call a game and everything I always think it's great when there's a pitcher in the booth because I don't know I just feel like with hitters you can kind of see what they're doing but like he's always calling the pitches and gets guessing the pitches and saying why the guy did it a blah blah blah blah blah or what he should have done and all of that I fucking love it man really enjoyable shout out to the Los Angeles Lakers Jesus Christ they're putting together a boy band out there my god they already bought a title

two fucking years ago right they buy LeBron because they know that he's like a fucking he's like a what do you call that's like a cornerstone and then all the fucking free agents will flutter over to him like a moth to a light and they get Anthony Davis right fuck New Orleans those people they don't they don't deserve anything do they it's just New Orleans they're just Americans why should they enjoy an NBA title why should they have Anthony Davis and Zion right fuck it go ahead see you he goes to there they buy a fucking title

oh my god I was fucking teasing Laker fans on Twitter Jesus Christ and then they fucking they all took the bait and none of them could defend them buying a title all they keep saying you mad bro don't be sad why you hating that's the intellect of a Laker fan but what else they're gonna say they should just admit it yeah we're buying titles why I do it we bought one in 2008 the Celtics bought a fucking title that was a fucking pile on championship there you go and we and but you know what we only we only need to we only needed two free

agents unlike these cunts then they had a fucking uh what's his face Tim Witherspoon there well Westbrook and they had him right they got here we go again and then I don't know what I guess they were watching an episode of the golden girls so they they signed fucking Carmelo Anthony all right oh oh my god he's he's an all defensive player okay um and then today they got for like the third fucking time do white Howard I think the Lakers are just for some reason it

just bothered them that this fucking Adonis could not win a ring with them they just have to fucking get this guy a goddamn ring um but that is you know I guess it's it's consistent with the Lakers they've always bought other people's stars it's just what they do it's what they do they're Mount Rushmore they always talk about all the great centers centers in fucking L.A. Laker history and none of them none of them unless you go back to world war two and find the white guy George

Miken and that was in Minneapolis but there's not one Hall of Fame center in the Los Angeles Lakers history that was a drafted Los Angeles Laker they cannot pick a fucking center to save their fucking lives so they got to take out the checkbook and buy Wilt and buy Kareem and buy Shaq and buy Anthony Davis they just got to buy the guys uh which I guess is fine because that's how they fucking do it now but like for them to just sit there oh

you know Kobe's got five titles he's only one behind fucking Jordan it's like Jordan didn't get a bolt load of free agent help every fucking year it's not the same thing you can say he's got five and Jordan has six but don't act like it's the same level of difficulty because it isn't it isn't Jordan did not play in a fucking era where everybody was friends and sat on a fucking boat and say let's all jump on this team and we're going to oh okay hey now everybody we're jumping on this

team I don't know I'm just gonna keep saying it because he's fucking Laker it drives him fucking bananas uh if it wasn't for the rest of the league drafting the right people and developing the talent the Lakers could never win a title um yeah and I love these Laker fans that try to act like the Kobe Shaq era it wasn't a pile on fucking team with Phil Jackson and you can totally tell it was a pile on team because when Shaq got sick of Kobe he goes I fuck you I'll go play with

Dwayne Wade and then they won bam I can win with you or I can win with you I'll be the pile on here or I'll fucking pile on there um all right I'm done with that shit um anyway let's talk about uh I want to start an open dialogue with anybody who who listens to this podcast who rides a bike bicycle in the city and as someone who drives a car just out of curiosity what the fuck is your guy's problems like I just want to hear what is the fucking problem

like they're fucking the most arrogant fucking assholes only a person on a bike can be breaking a law while yelling at somebody in a car for doing the same thing it's literally what happened to me right I was fucking late I went down to side street I did a rolling stop through a stop sign as a guy in a bicycle is also not stopping at a stop sign and then he looks at me and gives me a sarcastic thumbs up like he's fucking Dudley do right and I was late I just wanted to back up and be like dude you know you're required to follow the

rules of the road for some reason people on bicycles think they're above stopping at red lights or maybe because you have your little lance Armstrong fucking slippers on as you pretend to be in the tort of France riding down the street you don't want to take them out so you just blow through a red light I mean if they obeyed the rules of the road I don't I don't hate everybody on a bicycle but when I see somebody in street clothes on a bicycle with just a helmet on they're always a good shit they always get over they let you get

by but the second they put on like the fucking the I don't know the the Laker girl wear you know with all the advertisement on it like they're in some sort of time trial the second they do that shit they just become these cunts who ride out in the middle of the street with what's with what it looks like a funeral procession is behind them I just love how they always shake their head when something after they fucking blow through a red light and they're almost get hit then they shake

their head and it's just like buddy you're riding a bicycle in a city what do you think is gonna have what are you shaking your head about that you can't believe that what everybody knows is gonna happen happened riding out in the road I love those guys that think they're going as fast as a car they start riding out in the fucking road like they're like they're uh I don't know that movie quick silver um

and then we got a thing out here I have us you guys like all of a sudden like 20 of these people all dressed like fucking you know Greg LeMond right get out there and they just decide to have a you know a practice bike race and there's all of this traffic behind them and they just laugh and going down the street it's not even a bike lane they just took over a fucking lane they're just like they're just cunts they really are they're cunts is this is just my opinion as someone in a car now I would just like to hear

your perspective I want you guys to write in okay and I want you to be honest with me the percentage of time that you actually obey the rules of the road and actually be honest with me if you even knew that that was a fucking rule if you're even aware of that you have to do like the same way I have to stop at a stop sign I got to stop at a fucking red light right you do too which is why if I coast through a stop sign and you coast through a stop sign don't shake your little helmet did ahead at me

all right if you came to a complete stop it wouldn't have been a fucking problem but you rolled through it too like a dumbass I'm rolling through in a car I'm fine I got fucking airbags your dumb ass is on a fucking bicycle all right I don't know maybe they want to be martyrs maybe they want to get fucking hit you know so they can have their bike frosted and they can live forever on that bike lane in the sky is that what it is are they environmentalists is that why you do it I'm not putting gas in the air

you know whatever fumes in the air I guess you're doing that that's a positive but then you buy like 20 of those little biking outfits you know and you're going to sweat through them and just throw them out they're going to end up in the fucking ocean so I don't you know what does that take you you little dumb dancing slippers they're never in a race but they're always dressed like they are you know that's like the guy back in the day if you played like pickup football

and he showed up wearing cleats it's like oh god not this guy um sorry I am just extra cunty today I'm just a little tired that's all it is I'm psyched the red sucks one I don't give a shit about the Lakers I just I just really like stirring them up because I've discovered that so few of them can even talk the game and I don't even know that much about basketball but like all they have is why you mad why you crying why you hating that's all they can say

uh they're dumb they're just dumb um anyways let's move on let's move on as I don't need this why am I doing this you don't provoke Los Angeles fans they can't talk the game so then they get scared and then they stab you you know they want to win the argument um all right let's do a little uh let's do a little advertising here oh it's helix everybody helix sleep has a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preference to the perfect mattress for you

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and two free pillows I mean you can't beat that can you you can't beat that couple of free pillows with your goddamn mattress um anyway I've been swimming all this week trying to do something else you know keep the shoulder going I had a little bit of a setback with it I'm such a fucking idiot such an idiot it was something heavy I was like don't pick that up and I fucking picked it up you know and then I realized I didn't want that I moved it over another thing I felt a little twinge I'm like I'm fine

I just keep having setbacks you know I gotta like I gotta like finally like push through but I think I think my arm feels pretty good but I've just been sort of doing pull because you got like the anti gravity thing I've been in the pool like four or five days in a row and um you know my shoulder was doing pretty good until I watched the Olympics and then I tried to every time the Olympics comes around once every four years I watched the summer Olympics and I say to myself you know I could do the butterfly stroke

I'm 53 with a bad shoulder why don't I try that out in the middle of rehab let's see how that does for me just a moron right fucking stupid so anyway speaking of the Red Sox I believe I believe Monday morning podcast guests Wolfgang Van Halen with Mammoth opened for Guns and Roses last night well that would be Tuesday night if you guys listen on Thursday Tuesday night at Fenway Park man I would have loved to have seen that show that sounds like that's gonna be an amazing tour

word to the grapevine is Guns and Roses sounds better than um better than they ever have which is an unbelievable statement and uh I got to see Mammoth kind of run through their set right before they went out I got to stand there like the little fanboy that I am and they sounded fucking unbelievable so um if you guys are out there and you're going crazy and you're looking for something to do get a ticket to that if it's not all sold out because that is a

that is a great great great lineup obviously legendary Guns and Roses and then Mammoth coming up here the great album by the way you should check out so with that speaking of that let's talk let's talk dad drumming everybody let's talk dad drumming because I haven't been you know I tried was flying the other day and you know flying some approaches and my stupid glide slope wasn't working and all of that so I think I need a new antenna on on the helicopter but uh

I don't know that's every time I start getting close then I either I go away for a few weeks I'm really just when I get back I'm just going to have to just buckle down and start just fly two days for a couple of weeks just clear my schedule and then I'll be ready to go because I know I'll pass the oral exam I've been just every day when I get on the elliptical I just like look at another chapter with my flashcards and just blow through it and I don't know no matter what happens I became a way better pilot

way more informed I know I'm going to get this rating I don't know when because I have been really really busy and but I've just been having you know when you just sort of fly and you just fly like visual all the time as far as your avionics like I feel like you're only using like half the machine and then when you go for like the instrument rating it's just like this whole other world that was like right in front of you um helicopter iFly has like a glass cut pick meaning it doesn't have like the analog gauges and stuff which

is something I've always liked analog gauges but now I'm so kind of sold on the glass cut pick now that I know where to look and everything and my scan has been really good um and I don't know I just been flying really well lately and uh this fucking antenna thing came up and now I'm going to be going back east for a little bit so I was getting a little bummed out but I was just like I'm going to get it I'm going to get it I got until December I'm feeling like I'm pretty close and I just feel like if I just did like you

know if I flew like five days a week two two weeks in a row just doubled down flew twice a day with two different instructors um I think that that's what I'm going to do you know because now I know what to do I know how to talk on the radio throughout the whole approach I can do the whole fucking thing I know what how to dial everything in I just need to do it like a thousand times over two weeks and then I can get it that's my game plan that is the game plan all right then I'll I don't then I know

I don't know what's gonna happen because right around the time I get that will be wrapping not only on this season of F is for Family but just the season the whole show is just going to be done and I'm going to have a lot of free time and my plan is to not fill that up with work I would really like to kind of slow it down a little bit just hang out you know with the family and friends or whatever and uh I don't know be old Billy behind the scenes okay you come to me with the show idea we sell it and then I'm fucking behind

the scenes you you go do all this shit all right I just want to fucking chill out man I've been playing a lot of drums lately I found this really great sort of like uh this guy on Instagram it's almost like you're playing just like songenders with like 16th no triplets and it's just four different groupings of it and I've just been getting those things up to speed and one of them is just a right hand followed by a double kick um which is you know the bottom lick from good times bad times so I'm sort of

practicing that without even playing the song just by doing these as like a warm-up and so I play it to like a quarter note so I'm really playing triplets not 16th no triplets even though my brain is thinking of them in 16th no triplets they're really just more like groupings of six that I'm playing you know over two quarter notes so it becomes triplets but the phrasing that this guy was playing him in was in 16th no triplets so I've been doing that so on the quarter note on the uh on the click I've gotten

up to like 170 bpms which you know if I was doing an eighth note thing it's like 85 bpms good times bad times it's 95 bpms so I've kind of been like right there I'm just like I'm just gonna keep fucking doing this before I even practice that it'll be like you know doing like an extra workout and it's also something I've been I've always been amazed that people that could just sit down at drums and just sort of be free and then they're not just sitting there playing licks which is what I'm doing right now they're

actually listening to what they're playing which makes them try to play something else I want to like kind of I've been trying to delve into that area for a while now once I realize that that existed and that's what all these great drummers that I loved that you know you couldn't take your eyes off them as much as you know you go to like a back in the day I would go to like these drum clinics and shit I fucking saw everybody you know I go down to Berkeley or I go to a jazz club I fucking saw so many legendary drums and there was just

certain drummers that you went to and I went to like a modern drummer clinic one time the things that they have out in jersey and um I just noticed that there was some people they were all playing 90 million everybody could play 90 million miles an hour but there was some people that could do it in a way that it made you want to be able to do what they were doing you just it just drew you in like what are they doing that is any different than this other person and it's um I think it's like most

performers that they're present they're listening to what they're playing they have an idea of what they want to do and if a new idea pops into their head they have the ability to express it and because they're in the moment there's there's an adrenaline rush to that to the performer and there's an excitement that they're getting which the audience I think subconsciously picks up on and then you're drawn to what they're playing as opposed to somebody who already has the whole fucking thing worked out

you know and it's just sitting there just playing licks around the kit which is something that I do and I have a look on my face by the way like I'm waiting for a bus so that's another thing that just is you know that there's a lot of holes in my plank is all I'm saying so anyway it's like 8 30 right now and I got the kids in bed and everything so that's probably what I'm going to be going down there to do so whatever um you know I keep trying I keep trying to stop bitching about you know over the years the golden state warriors with kd the

brooklyn nets the fucking lakers every other year and all of that shit I I I know you guys are sick of me I'm getting sick of talking about it but like it just drives me nuts because I'll put on ESPN thinking this has got to be finally they added too many free agents finally and ESPN somebody's gonna say something and they never do they just act like it isn't happening they act like it's good for the fucking league I guess it's good for them maybe because people watch pile on teams I don't know

maybe that maybe they're actually better ratings I don't know maybe it's got it always comes down to money but uh I don't know I just find them excruciatingly boring and I don't like watching them and I just I think they're bullshit championships they just are all right grow a dick and lead a team instead of fucking buying up everybody that you would have had to lead them past they're now on your fucking team it's just fucking it's that's not it's not sports well what is this fucking oceans 11 the fucking basketball team all right I'm

done sorry I'm getting going again dude me bitching about the fucking NBA pile on teams it's like the end of Lenny Bruce's career when he stopped being funny and he just kept looking at his fucking legal pad I'm not saying he wasn't funny I think he was still funny but he would just fucking talk about what they were he just became obsessed with this fucking legal case um who the fuck am I to say Lenny Bruce wasn't funny I'm sorry I'm out of sorts today

Jesus Christ I mean it's because of that guy I can fucking sit here and do everything that I do at a way much lower level saint cunt every other word my apologies all right to his estate anybody else who's still alive however the fuck that works um all right that's it I'm done I'm done bitching I bitched a lot all right I bitched about the Lakers I bitched about people on bicycles Jesus Bill why you really went after the fucking

the sacred fucking really looking back on this podcast to what I've done here I don't know if I'm proud of it but it felt good to get it out all right so that's it have a great weekend your cunts enjoy the music and there'll be a bonus episode of me bitching about something from a couple years ago it's probably the NBA all right I'll see you hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday August 5th 2013 how are you how you doing this

morning oh that's just fantastic this is going to be another subdued William Burr here on the Monday morning podcast as you can tell I wasn't able to find a fucking quad for my mixer so um the lovely Nia is going to send me mine so next this will be the last week of this kind of stuff so I've had difficulty trying to find basically everything here in New Orleans for those of you just listening haven't listened for the past couple weeks I'm here in New Orleans I'm doing the uh what do you call it the final episode of Glee for this season

it's like some three-hour extravaganza so I have to be out here forever and you know like I mentioned I am going to be shirtless in the cafeteria scene so I've been trying to uh trying to get healthy food out here which is practically impossible I haven't been able to find it if there's any New Orleans people I guess they don't say Nolans by the way I was told that the other night that they don't say that that's just some Hollywood shit and then I taught that person how to properly say Boston BAW Boston not Boston so we both had a laugh

and then we ate some fried fucking oysters because everything's fried down here you know I go into Verizon I need a new cell phone charge you know they didn't have the entire thing they just had the part you plug into your fucking computer so unless I was going to walk around with my computer and then bring that plug plug that in and then plug the fucking cell phone into my computer that was the only way for me to charge it when I was on the road so I'm sitting there going like you

know I'm becoming a tub of shit here and I have my big shirtless scene you know I'm singing 8675 309 Jenny but they jazz it up a little bit but anyway so I find some place to get a juice and even then the way they do the juice you know usually you use the apple you use the fruit to give it a little zing so you can drink the fucking green shit but they do it the opposite down here it's apple juice and then they'll add like half a leaf of kale in there and I just kind of hopping yourself up on sugar

so I actually I do have a game plan though people after your wonderful suggestions we like bill why don't you watch that documentary fat sick and nearly dead and I'm like well yeah I've already watched those you know food ink and I watched uh Trylock Gertu's fucking Morgan Spurlock Trylock Gertu yeah it's a famous percussionist from India um I fucking uh I mean that's how you even say his name Bill just get to the point all right

um the fuck was my point oh Morgan Spurlock is that his name I watched that what he ate McDonald's for 30 fucking days in a row and uh I mean you know what's great about that you knew what you knew his body was going to be junk but secretly haven't you always wanted to do that just say fuck it just blow your body out you know just I'm gonna how much weight you actually could gain if you really put your mind to it you know this is what I do I would start

with a grand slam breakfast and then I have to take a nap because I'm old when you get older by the way when you eat really bad you know rather than just running outside like you do as a youngster it takes a toll on you you actually have to go lay down and try to sleep yourself back into some sort of balance I don't know what but uh yeah I'd probably start with that lunchtime or what I do steak and cheese see you know what it is that kind of food so fucks me up now I can't even

enjoy it anymore that's what happens as you get older it's like you're fucking guts I like some engine that your entire life you would down like two quarts of oil on and it just doesn't run as well as it used to you know back when you were younger you could do fucking neutral drops and fucking be driving 40 miles an hour and just yank the emergency brake you cut the wheel and almost tip over your fucking Volkswagen Fox like my buddy did back in the day yeah you can't do that anymore as you get older

you know so if you are older and every time you eat you then have to immediately fall asleep you're down a few quarts it's time for you might want to put a synthetic in there so anyway so um I've been uh you know days I'm not working I've been kind of bored I know a lot of you guys already know what I'm working on here and a lot of you guys always go Bill why do you try to keep it such a big fucking secret what you're doing you can just go to your IMDB page and figure out what you're doing well do you ever think that that maybe that

that's the fucking method to my madness see if I just told you cunts what I'm doing down here in New Orleans you'd be oh humble brag or you'd give me shit you know easy there kid don't forget where you came from all right um so what I do is I deliberately act vague and then you know people send me then they just go to IMDB and they end up knowing more about what the fuck I'm doing than if I told you anyways and then people send me emails like bill I don't understand why being so vague it's so easy to find out what you're doing

you're doing this project with blah blah blah blah blah it's like there you go you dumb fuck it's exactly what I wanted I wanted you to have the information I tricked you okay you're coming at me like you just solved the murder case like you're fucking colombo and you're looking away with your crazy eye rubbing your forehead and I'm standing there flabbergasted here in a heartbeat under the floorboards you got it ass backwards that's why I'm vague I want to give you something to do at work what else you're gonna do sit there

and stare at your spreadsheets figure out how much fucking grapes cost in the next 20 minutes scream and buy sell I've actually been doing really well with my weight here oh so anyway so uh I finally give in and uh I'm like all right I'm not working today I'm gonna go uh I'm gonna go uh you know I'm gonna watch this fucking fat sick and nearly dead and I gotta tell you man it was awesome I absolutely loved it and uh I felt bad for trashing fat people

on my podcast my my uh Billy Shane Billy Shane to get back and get back into shape you know where I just make fun of the fatties um I mean it was always done in jest but I don't know there's one guy that he runs into that uh I don't know I felt bad for the dude but anyways he goes on this juice fast so of course now I'm like obsessed with it you know just so I can get some of this these fried clams and all this stuff these po boy sandwiches just try to get these out of my system because I'm sick of having to take a

nap every time I eat out here um so I think I'm gonna buy a mini juicer and a bunch of kale and that type of shit and uh juice it up and then just shove it down my fucking pie hole you know and believe it or not it fills you up fills you up you get used to it then you start craving that and uh and then the best part is you don't have to go to the gym that's what it's really all about people that's the number one reason to eat well it's not so you live longer it's so you don't have to go to the

gym you don't have to go to the gym and you've you've clothes still fit right you know I don't know you was funny somebody the other day actually sent me an email called bill do you have any idea how many times you say you know during a podcast and it was it's just like yes of course I do you know how the fuck wouldn't I know that I think I don't listen back to these things as I upload them to try to see if they're funny or not you know I gotta admit if I don't think

they're funny I shut them off really quickly but they start going I like them but I do notice that I say it that that that much but maybe can I have a catchphrase you know that was actually not even uh I think what wasn't even on purpose you know I'm in my own fucking head I don't want to do that anyways I'm still here at the hotel I'm gonna buy a juicer and uh I just figure two two out of three meals a day I'm gonna drink that shit and uh you know when I come home I want to have

an even bigger head I guess that's the way you kind of you uh if you come back off the road and your head isn't three sizes bigger does your girlfriend think you cheated on her like what are you in such good shape for but if you come back as like a fat booze okay he was faithful I don't know anyways let's talk about let's talk about major league baseball something that I have not watched since 2010 when I just got sick of everybody

you know testing positive for stuff particularly people on my team and it's just like you know it just kind of took all the uh the glory out of those championships and stuff that the Red Sox won it did not take any glory away from beating the Yankees in 2004 though did not at all because you know they had just as many guys if not some of the worst defenders you know I think Andy Pettit would have got more shit if he wasn't into Jesus any any major league baseball players listening to like if you're listening to this and you're doing if you're on the

juice there what I would do and you feel like the hounds are nipping at your heels I would air quote find Jesus you know they just start fucking right in on your glove when you wave to the when you wave to the camera Jesus's love Jesus saves Jesus is my homey yeah you know whatever whatever the fuck else you say so that when you uh you fuck up then you can just do like that stuff like those televangelists where you just sit there crying I have sinned against you

and people seem to forgive you so let's get to Alex Rodriguez everybody oh by the way if you'd like to know who's in first place in major league baseball I actually looked it up I had no idea I mean I knew the Red Sox were doing well um the Red Sox the Tigers and the Oakland age are in first place in the american league and then see if I can remember this a national league it's the uh is it the Braves the Dodgers Dodgers are actually doing well making me eat crow

you know because I laughed at them last year when they were like we were like hey we have a hundred million dollars worth of fucking players who aren't doing shit for us and the Dodgers were like well shit we'll take them you know like they're playing a different game over there I don't know why you would do that but thank you for doing it and you know what thanks to you it works for all of us the Red Sox and Dodgers are both in first place and my squad if I had been paying attention the Pittsburgh Pirates

you know I found out the Pirates are in first place I was sitting in a bar eating fried corn flakes whatever the fuck they have down here and um they had on a game I oh well the Pirates are on Pirates and Cardinals I really love the national league from way back in the day I used to like it because so many of the teams played on Astroturf and when I was a little kid I thought that that was way cooler than playing on grass like now grass is way cooler than Astroturf Astroturf looks cheesy

but in the late 70s um early 80s Astroturf was the shit you know the whole infant field was Astroturf except around the bags and it just seemed like a faster game they were playing hit and run guy gets on first you bunt them over to second stealing bases and over in the american league it was all about you know people just standing there trying to smash the ball over the fence and back then home run hitters would would hit like fucking 278 if you hit 280 that was considered like a you know

you were a solid guy um I don't know maybe you are now but like they just didn't put up the numbers the way they they did during the roid era action obviously I should say so anyways I'm sitting there and I'm and I'm like oh Pirates and Cardinals this is like the old days you know and uh I'm looking in the crowd and it seems like everybody's wearing pirate shit and I'm just like and the place looks like it's sold out and I'm like wait a minute the pirates are selling out a game

and I'm like this must be a Cardinals home game and I look at their jerseys what was weird was their their away jerseys said Cardinals so then that made me feel like it was a home game because I thought unless I saw it the wrong way or I I misremembered it as politicians say but I was under the impression that uh away baseball teams when you're home you have the name of your team like the red socks and you go on the way it says Boston you know you're at home it says the Indians you go on the road it says Cleveland

so I guess you know people who don't know shit about baseball know what city you're from I have no idea but it anyways it turned out that it was a pirate's home game and it looked like it was sold out so uh I don't know that makes me excited but haven't they they've been doing that the last couple of years you know you might my fandom of the pirates is is from fucking you know just watching baseball in the late 70s and that we are family team was like one of my favorites and uh I rooted against the Orioles because the Orioles kicked the red

socks ass in 79 with their unbelievable pitching staff um I would always root for the national league teams I guess because it was actually it was really exciting to see them play because they didn't have uh there was no MLB packages like if you lived in Boston all you got was the red socks game and then they would have the uh the game of the week and um if you missed that then you watch Mel Allen's this week in baseball which was the shit used to come on Saturday afternoons

and then he came he'd come on whatever the fuck he would say that was the that was supposed to be the exciting theme song that started the show and then they ended the show with something a little uh not uptempo to just let you know it was a beautiful game and they would just show it in slow motion and the song once they're like and fucking people just doing all this amazing shit and like slow motion and it was amazing about that song is that's probably a 40 person orchestra

all right there was no auto tune there was no drum machine there was no fucking one guy on a giant keyboard that could make all those songs it was like 40 people getting paid um all working together pointing at each other afterwards and going out and having a couple of schlitz um so anyways um what am i talking about here yeah so i started watching baseball again i haven't started watching baseball who's kidding who but um i was psyched to see that the pirates are in uh first place

and i'm actually happy for the Dodgers believe it or not i have a tough time with the Dodgers because i was a huge fan of them when i was a kid because of the 77 and 78 world series when they played the uh the new york Yankees because i hated the Yankees and we could never beat them back then um so i would root for the for the Dodgers and i remember feeling bad for tommy john because uh he lost in 77 and 78 with the uh Dodgers and then in 81 he went to the Yankees which was unforgivable to me and then the Yankees played the Dodgers again

in the world series and then the Dodgers finally won the guy went oh for fucking three poor bastard and he had an operation named after him uh him and lou garrick no one was an operation almost a disease hey bill why don't you shut the fuck up all right i will let let me read a little bit of advertising here and then we'll get back when i come back i'm gonna tease you a little here people i'm gonna talk about that whole a rod situation um here we go all right dollar shave club everybody

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the razors are fantastic and i can i can guarantee you that they've been sending those things right to my house i don't have to deal with it anymore i have an awful cvs right down the street where there's always like a 20 minute line because they only have open you know one register um give it a shot you know i want you to try it go to dollar shave club forward slash burr support this show go to dollar shave club dot com forward slash burr or click the dollar shave club banner on the podcast page bill burr dot com that's dollar shave club dot com forward

slash burr you don't have to think about it anymore once a month they send you a bunch of new blades you have a new blade every damn week okay and then the ladies are giving you more kiss on the cheek there e voice everybody you're screening calls closing deals and making money all while lounging poolside in the summer sun thanks to who e voice e voice is a better way to connect with the people that drive your business e voice will forward business calls to your home mobile or any number you

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even yourself hey it's summer don't be stuck at the office all day you jackass free yourself for a free 30 day trial of e voice so you can see what i'm talking about over here go to e voice dot com and enter the promo code bill for your 30 day free trial that's e voice dot com promo code bill or go to the podcast page on bill bird and click on the e voice banner all right that was painless i only had one screw up there you like that people i think i finally got my game together with reading these uh these advertisements

you know you know what i am i'm like a number one draft pick bust when it comes to that shit not quite a bust but i'm about five six years in the original team i was on uh dropped me down to number three on the depth chat and now i got traded and i'm playing back up over in fucking minnesota but the first two went down and now i'm getting in all right is this is now skip bailis is yelling about me saying that he doesn't think that i can actually read these fucking things without screwing it up while steven a smith goes blasphemy

blasphemy um all right a rod everybody is my thing about this son of a bitch this guy gets a lifetime ban and that somehow voids his contract the yankees are somehow able to get out of that contract i swear to fucking god you might as well just have the commissioner of baseball might as well just be steinbrenner's son okay how much shit can the yankees fucking get away with do you remember the red socks wanted to get a rod we had the deal in place and baseball came in and was like no we had the deal was done and baseball came in and said no that's bad for baseball it's bad for baseball to have

and yet another big time free agent go to the red socks because that's when we were becoming the yankees right and then a rod goes to the yankees somehow that wasn't bad for baseball to have two of the three best short stops in a league at the time on the same team one of them never to play shortstop again to have to learn a new position at third base if you remember this is pre steroids and all that so some of these names don't hold the weight they did back in the day but their infield was giambi jeter and a rod and then there was talks that maybe they were going to sign nomar to play second place second base i remember giambi be like dude he was like dude that would be awesome i just remember thinking like how would that be awesome where is the

fucking fun in that so anyways we try to get a rod it's bad for baseball the yankees do it and they already had like fucking every goddamn free agent in the league at every position other than their four fucking five core guys from their own uh farm team and somehow that was okay all right and that was just a an ongoing story in baseball was the red socks just never just we couldn't win no matter what we did it blew up in our face and even when we made moves and got a big guy it was considered bad for baseball you go back to the seventies we had roly fingers signed him bad for baseball you know yank that out reggie jackson can can we can the fucking yankees sign him apps are fucking lukely i don't know what i don't know

what what our pens look like but for some reason they were bad for baseball so anyways for once after 86 years of flailing you know the deal somehow it worked in our favor so i have thoroughly enjoyed watching a rod flame out and in watching the yankees trying to get out of that contract and just not being able to get this 200 million dollar albatross off from around their neck i thoroughly fucking enjoyed it they tried to humiliate them they've they've benched them during crucial moments and like the playoffs and a rod doesn't give a fuck he just sits there like a fucking robot going well you know whatever is good for the team i don't give a shit you know just just keep paying me i don't give a fuck and i've completely enjoyed it and they still have

another five years of this nightmare five years like 114 million dollars they got to give this this matinee idol looking bust and i have completely enjoyed every second of it and um my world is like i got another five years to just sort of you know not like i watch a ton of baseball anymore which is kind of sad uh i gotta get back into it everybody but i i can't i can't get back into it at the the the upper levels i just can't i can't watch these fucking you know juggernaut teams i gotta i gotta i gotta be watching kansas city you know the padres the pirates even though the pirates in first place but i don't think they have any major league science um a major free agent science but anyways so i thought i had another

five years of this show to watch and now all of a sudden i'm worried that it's going to get canceled i'll tell you right now if because of this suspension the yankees are somehow able to get out of this contract and save themselves 114 million dollars which to them is just a drop in the bucket the way they ass rape their fans every home game the way they take every one of those poor yankee fans with their pinstripe shirts and their classic yankee hats and they just bend them over the hotdog stand and just stick that pinstripe dick right up their ass no lube you know i really feel bad for the total fucking ass raping that every every yankee fan takes when you go to the ballpark i mean if i was a yankee fan i would not go to that new fucking um beautiful baseball

stadium slash growing up gaudy house such a weird stadium if you haven't been to it you should definitely go uh but i i suggest eating a thanksgiving dinner before you go there or you know one of your kids will not be going to college um but you go to that stadium it's such a weird stadium where like there's literally some breathtaking views as you walk around that park and every time you're like oh my god this is amazing they really did it right then they'll just have you know some jackass like just some some fucking look how much money we got just you know what it is it's kind of like this blend of um i don't know like what's a great ballpark that they built that that's new but it's all i guess maybe the jake when it first came out it's kind of the the perfect it's a blend

of of uh the beautiful new ones that conjure up the old shit and like dallas cowboy stadium where if you never been to that you got to go to that one just once just to see that absolutely fucking that eyesore of a television that they have hanging up there it's the dumbest thing i've ever seen in my life i swear to god when i go to that stadium i always think if bobby kelly designed a football stadium this is exactly what it looked like dude look how big the tv is dude i don't have to go anywhere dude i just sit here and watch it um dallas cowboy stadium is an absolute fucking abomination and uh and it's just because of that tv everything else i it's actually it's beautiful if you could just get that fucking tv that tv it's

like a drunk at a holiday family gathering you know what i mean no matter how good the food is not how great it is to see everybody all conversation everything is drowned out by the fucking the guy over there you know your uncle keeps dabbling in the oxy he's telling you that he's clean but he isn't you know that's what that fucking tv is like so anyways the hell am i saying here as a fan of sports and my hatred of the new york yankees i'm really hoping that the yankees feel like oh maybe we can get out of it maybe we can get out of it and then they they still can't knowing full well that in the long run it's not going to mean shit to them a hundred something million dollars doesn't mean shit to them it's just annoying and that's basically

all i can really hope for at this point so um maybe i'll write some letters i'll write some letters to uh the commissioner of baseball tell them that i'm dying or something in that my bucket my bucket list or something something has to do with a rut i just really want that that i just want to be able to talk to him sometime while he's on the field that's that's my make a wish thing i want to look into those zombie robotic eyes uh i like how he's actually pissed now it says that he's being singled out it's like well you kind of made yourself a target with the steroids for the second time you fucking jerk off he really is like uh he has an inability to to step outside himself and see how he's coming off an absolute jackass and i can't think of a

better person to be to be wearing the pinstripes and represent what that organization is all about they're clean shaven steroid abusers unlike the red socks who uh i don't know what we look like we look like we're going to an almond brother's concert uh i'm just trying to get yankee fans going they used to all right let's let's plow ahead here everybody um the hell that i was gonna talk about something that what's that gonna bring up there oh let's move on to this let's just keep the uh the sport thing going here oh no no no i remember what it is i owe i owe an apology this wasn't my fault but i have to apologize on behalf of the theater that el paso show got uh rescheduled as i mentioned because of the active work i got down

here in new orleans i was only able to do the first two dates of the red state tour um none of the shows are canceled they've all been rescheduled i know it's a pain in the ass i know people make plans i apologize i announced it here on on um on the podcast i i you know i don't know what the fuck else i could have done to let people know go to el i guess the theater out there in el paso i don't know what happened but some people didn't get the word that the show was canceled and i guess there was some people that showed up so uh i apologize i hope you're listening to this i will try to tweet about it maybe you'll be able to get i don't know if you follow me on twitter or not but to let you know the uh the new date of the el paso date is september 13th right oh i'm

sorry september 12th september 12th is the new date and uh i apologize to anybody who showed up i can't believe what a pain in the ass that is i hope nobody drove you know uh jesus someone's gonna be like dude i drove four fucking hours or i had a plane ticket or something like that so i feel horrible about it so because of that i'm just gonna announce my dates right here right now i'm just gonna read through a bunch of these as quickly as i can so uh there's no more confusion all right and then somehow there still will be confusion and then somehow someone's gonna get mad at me and i'll get a fucking angry email or whatever apologize for the clicking here people see if i can bring this up with this horrific internet here come on you can do it you can do it

all right here we go these are the shows i have coming up uh i'm even going to read the ones that don't even have ticket links all right all right this is the deal august 23rd i'm at the mgm grand in uh mashah nantatakat connecticut august 24th university of sincennady august 27th cobs comedy club with brian reagan all proceeds are going to charity we're doing a co-headliner that one's actually already sold out all right red state tour of rescheduled dates for those of you in colorado september 4th september 6th bolder colorado pikespeak all right tickets are all on sale for these uh september 7th i'm in coachella california at the spotlight 29 casino once again rescheduled red state tours september 12th el paso texas and because of that rescheduled i'm also now doing uh

san antonio texas first time i've never been there at the lila cocktail theater september 13th and i know what you're thinking bill you're doing a show on september 14th no i am not but i'm not leaving texas and what is saturday in september in texas mean to anybody in texas huh college football motherfucker i'm going to texas a&m alabama and i am rooting for the aggies and i will be drunk and i will still be screaming alabama the dream ends tonight so look for me out in the parking lot with my sunburn giant head and uh i'll see you in the stadium um all right continuing on september 19th i'm in west virginia west virginia university morgan town west virginia uh then i got pittsburgh on september 20th all these all these shows are on sale people up in canada toronto ontario

september 21st the queen elizabeth theater september 28th not one but two shows at the famous chicago theater first one is sold out i believe uh second show 10 30 has been added uh now here's some that aren't on sale but are coming up october 3rd 4th 5th 7th and 8th no no i'm sorry strike that october 3rd 4th and 5th i'll be in san jose Seattle washington and phoenix arizona those tickets are not on sale yet but i'm just letting you know where i'm gonna be and i'll announce them as soon as they're available on twitter so follow me on twitter if you're not on twitter or facebook or whatever uh november 7th this is not on sale and over november 8th this is and 9th 7th 8th and 9th sorry these are not on sale yet either uh i'll be in washington dc new

york city and upper darby pennsylvania that'll be constitution hall the beacon theater and tower theater all right november 15th rescheduled red state tour deadwood south dakota november 16th rescheduled red state tour brady theater in in tulsa oklahoma and another red state the orpheum theater wichita kansas november 17th all right and that will conclude the red state tour i apologize for having to reschedule but uh i'm still coming i could have been a cunt and just cancelled you know sat out here in fucking new Orleans with my shirt off getting ready for my big number what else southern connecticut state university on the 23rd all right now here's the big european tour people from europe were asking me about this shit i apologize for this being really long

but i have to get this information out here because i do not want people showing up when i'm not going to be somewhere all right december 5th i'm in amsterdam tickets are on sale december 7th i'm in london show sold out they added another show uh december 9th i'm in dublin at the vicar theater december 10th i'm at the savoy theater in helsinki finland december 11th i'm at the uh cope copenhagen i'm at the bremen theater in copenhagen danmark december 12th i'm in oslo norway december 13th i'm in stockholm sweden now here's two shows that people don't know about december 15th i'm gonna be at at harpa silphurberg hall in rickovic iceland hope i'm saying that right never been to iceland i'm really excited and the biggest teaser of them all

you know i don't work new years because i go to the rose ball every year well i finally decided this year well i live in los angeles why don't i do a big show in los angeles and why don't i put my buddies the rose ball legends uh fucking joe botnick and jason lawhead will all do a show the night before new year's eve if you don't have new year's eve plans if you live in los angeles we're going to be at the wiltern theater right down there ron now wilsh wilshire and western so tickets are not on sale for that one yet so there you go now you know as much as i do about my schedule and once again sincerest apologies to anybody any of the poor bastards that showed up for my show an el paso that was not to be i don't know how that happened

so there you go all right back to the back to the uh the podcast here everybody so as mentioned i'm down here in new orleans i've been making fun of the food but uh i've been having the best time in new orleans as they say if you can't have a good time down here there's something wrong with you and uh i went out the other night i guess they shoot a lot of movies down here because it's really cheap they gave him a great deal or whatever and i had a buddy of mine who was shooting something else and he had just wrapped and he called me out we went off met up at this hotel and uh just you know what i i actually i usually don't name a name but this is a hypers movie it was craig robinson who's doing uh they just wrapped on a hot tub time machine part two and uh craig is

one just one of those guys who's just i don't know unbelievably charismatic like i watched i was watching that guy that guy was having more goddamn fun in one night that i think i've ever had in my life you know just he he's there was a live band playing he went up he played piano you know singing and making everybody laugh and then he fucking called me up to go do some stand-up i of course was defensive turned the crowd off and then i got offstage but later on that night when the band had left uh he went back up started playing piano and i went up there played some drums full i i swear to god for like 45 minutes or like an hour and uh it's the most fun i think i've had in a long long time and i was stone sober didn't have a drop of alcohol you know whatever i have an acting

gig i try to lay off the booze so my fucking giant head doesn't seem even bigger no one wants to see that on the screen so um i've been doing that walking around checking out the city avoiding what do you call it uh bourbon street you know i that just i just don't like the date rapey sort of vibe on that street so uh there is a laundromat that is on that so it's kind of funny i've been doing my laundry down that way and just walking on that street like in broad daylight after you know show your tits whatever the fuck happened the night before it's just uh if you ever walk by a strip club during the day it's just really just it's just not a good look it's just i don't know what about it is at night time when you see those purple neon light bulbs and you're half in

the bag or something it actually looks like something appealing but when you just see it in broad daylight it's fucking brutal so anyways i've actually been getting into like you know they've been talking about lsu football down here and the saints like every single day they're getting so fucking amped up for football um i'm actually caught up in this excitement down here and uh i saw that the saints have a preseason game friday night and if you think i'm not going well if i have to work that night obviously i'm not going but if i don't have to there's no fucking way i'm not going because the superdome now that they redid it it was already iconic it's you owe it to yourself to come down here and go to a game it's it's uh it's beautiful which brings

me to that basketball team i don't know if you guys know this but the uh new orleans hornets are no more than now called the uh new orleans pelicans just gonna pause and let you take that in for a second it's called they're called the pelicans which is arguably the worst fucking name of any goddamn sports team i i'm gonna motion i'm gonna make a suggestion here any new team at this point do not name your team after an animal because evidently there's no good ones left there's 122 fucking teams and i think just all the good ferocious ones are taken unless you just want to go obscure and just start picking like names of like poisonous snakes and fucked up animals from different countries which i don't know why would you why would you do that you know

the new orleans type hands you know you wouldn't do that shit the pelicans so i looked up their logo and i'm like if they made like a basketball net out of that birds fucking double chin uh i don't know what i was gonna do but i looked it up but you know what they did conveniently is they they got rid of its double chin like it had like a facelift so what i think they should do now if they're gonna go like that if they're gonna so horribly misrepresent that bird not have its giant fucking double chin and somehow have this streamline chin you know uh i i think they should just they should just put those fucking you know those lips those plastic surgery lips that you got fuck i i might even be remotely fucking funny on this goddamn podcast

such a fucking handicap i can't hear myself right now i don't have my microphone it's like my kryptonite whatever make the fucking thing look like a kardashian kardashians mom i'm actually you know what it's such a fucking you know what i don't like about it they they try to make it look cool it's like if you're gonna be the pelicans just embrace it and what you have to have is do do the cartoony version of the pelican right where it's got a cigar in its mouth and it's giving you the thumbs up with its fucking wing you know it's got a fucking beer in one hand or something a cigar you should just get a hawaiian shirt if you're going to be the pelicans you got to do that stop trying to make that bird look cool it's not cool

is this iron been fucking rocking like that the entire time it's not fucking cool there's two logos that really fucked up the new orleans pelicans and then uh the fucking miami dolphins who never should have changed they shouldn't have changed their logo it had been it was always a kind of a douchey logo but it'd been around long enough and they'd done so many legendary things that you kind of like you respected it i mean when i saw that logo i thought about don shula i thought about larry zonka jim kick bob greasy that whole era gario your premium what the fuck his name is and um gary your premium that's why people used to go bald you know like fucking lou grant was a dump of these chemicals on your head and having that

wisp of grass on top of your head uh or i thought about dan marino mott duper mark clayton all of that shit that's what i thought about and uh for some fucking reason they decided to change it which i think is a desperate move at this point they're trying to make more money because now everybody has to go out and buy the new logo is never better look at the new england patriots i think we have like the ugliest fucking uniforms in the league that awful silver with that you know whatever they call it the flying elvis on the side i hate it i i've never bought what i just realized that i've never bought anything with that logo on never bought a jersey

or anything i've hated it from way back when drew blood so first came it was it was more sky blue as opposed to the darker blue with that silver i always just thought it was horrifically fucking ugly um but the dolphins new logo you know what their logo basically looks like do you know like when a corporation accidentally spills like nuclear waste into the water supply so then they change their name and they try to come up with like a like a logo that makes it seem like they give a shit about the environment like bp did you know bp went from this logo that looked like they they drilled oil out of the fucking ground like what they did and then sprayed it on baby birds and fucking sweatshop children now they got that one it's all green and yellow like you don't

know if they plant corn or it just looks like grass and sunshine that's what i feel like the new dolphins have done is that what you feel like bill bill considering you're not that funny this week why don't you just read some of the letters instead of continuing to just flail as you're riffing um all right i'll get on to it all right here's the first one facial scare bill a few notes oh you know i'm just fucking up this week i gotta read these last two uh advertisements i can't read them too late into the podcast because for some reason i think you think you guys just shut these things off uh all right hulu plus everybody i'm sure you've tried hulu dot com if you haven't you should but uh but if you've already tried hulu dot com i want to tell you about hulu plus

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current shows binge on your old favorite or catch a great movie you can do it all on hulu plus everybody right now you can try hulu plus for a couple of weeks free on me when you go to the podcast page billbird dot com and click on the hulu plus banner or go to hulu plus dot com slash bill please make sure you use the hulu plus dot com slash bill so you get an extended free trial and so that you know also so that they know we sent you it helps us to keep the lights on and gives you a better deal one more time for the extended free trial hulu plus dot com slash bill all right i'm reading very well this week everybody i'm going to pat myself on the back um and put a little pressure here i bet i can go through this whole one without screwing up once

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15% off your last will ah damn it i was going to do it get 15% off your yeah it is off your last will oh last will and testament is that short for that i don't know but this offer ends soon or get a living trust that you receive a poor over will absolutely free to get your your special discount be sure to enter burr in the referral box at checkout for will's powers of attorney trust and more go to legal zoom dot com legal zoom can provide self-help services at your specific direction or connect you with an attorney but they're not a law firm there you go god damn it i went 14 and 2 in the regular season and i just blew the first playoff game that's what i just did there i pulled the paint man uh all right where the hell am i here

all right facial scare what the fuck is it all right bill this past weekend i went to vegas to visit my brother and his buddy who currently reside there they actually caught your most recent show in vegas and had a phenomenal time oh that's awesome thank you said i left last jersey from tampa and i soon i touched down in vegas i received an out of nowhere text from the girl that got away i was shook this broad used to live in tampa about two and a half years ago but she moved out to la to pursue her careers and actress the two of us attended the university of tampa a few years ago and had an on again off again relationship long story short i was in a relationship with another girl

we went on break and i met this girl and was hooked so anyways her text said hey who are you going to vegas with because i'm going to be there this weekend too uh my guess is that she had seen my social media she had been my guess is that she had seen on my social media that i was going to be in vegas when i read the text i was very surprised and pretty pumped because we hadn't talked in a long time and like i said she was the one that got away she's absolutely gorgeous and she also happens to be a really good person as well jesus christ people what could go wrong here we hooked up in vegas and it was amazing to see her we all went out did our thing and had one of the best weekends i've had in my life i'd give you more details but you know what happens in

vegas stays in vegas all right you gave her the old meat hammer way to be subtle anyways the reason why i'm writing to you though is because on the plane right back to tampa i was thinking about mine and this girl's relationship in all of our history and a pretty comical slash genius story came to mind about her i know this is getting long but i hope it's not as long and boring as that guy writing to explain the fucking origins of jimmy's a couple of weeks ago jesus christ but anyways like i said when i first met her i was immediately attracted to her natural beauty beauty and her personality she is one of these ladies who didn't have to wear makeup or do anything special to look sexy however one of the first weekends we spent together i wake up and with

her in bed one morning i go to give her a kiss and i am i am immediately troubled the way the morning sun was shining into the window on her face exposed something i wasn't ready for that early in the morning this broad has dark hair and for the first time i noticed she had some dark hair above her lip i was really surprised i didn't catch it before but it wasn't a thick mustache or anything it was just like the peach fuzz a 12 year old boy has before he starts shaving regularly regardless i was taking i was taken back and from that morning and from that point on that morning it was all i could notice ah jesus isn't it crazy how visual guys are that's it take the most beautiful woman in the world you put a give her a mustache we can't that's all we can say

it's like i'm kissing fucking burt Reynolds here all right so when i went home i had to devise a master plan operation mustache removal i like this girl way too much and she was still very hot with the even with the stash but i needed a way to get rid of it because i wanted to help her out while also helping myself all right now this is why i picked this one here listen to this guy he's got a gorgeous fucking woman everything about her is perfect except she has a fucking mustache now how the hell do you bring it up to somebody that you care about that they have a mustache and it's fucking turning you off there's no way to do that without sabotage in the relationship or are really hurting the other person the only way to do that is if you

just completely don't give a shit about the other person and just say hey you know if there's any way you could uh you know i don't know how to fucking say well this is what he did then this was genius he said uh since we just started seeing each other i didn't want to come out and say babe babe you shaved today seemed a little self-conscious that it is so i didn't want to tell her and embarrass or anything like that i needed a way to remove this stash without being involved hence i did what needed to be done listen to this fucking brilliant conspiracy i called my trustworthy buddy who was playing hockey in canada at the time and told him i needed him to do me a solid dude i filled him in on the situation and he was willing to help me out since he had a weird

random canadian number at the time i gave him my chick's number and told him to text her and simply say you have a mustache i ordered him to say nothing else and not to respond under any circumstances he texted me back about 20 minutes later and said mission complete so this fucking lady just to get you caught up in case you're confused here with my reading she gets a random text from a canadian number out of nowhere that just says you have a mustache i can't imagine her fucking stomach must have dropped 20 goes anyways he goes later that night i met her at the bar and she was looking extraordinarily sexy she seemed that she seemed to have a little pep in her step i walked up to give her a kiss and i looked above her lip and

the peach fuzz mustache was gone clean and soft as a baby's bottom i was very happy how it played out i helped myself out because that would have bothered me and i helped her become even sexier best part being she had no idea that i orchestrated that mission i didn't have to talk about it bring it to her attention and heard of feelings or anything like that i just had a broad with a clean upper lip thought i'd share go fuck yourself dude that is absolute genius and now i just got paranoid because i said what's fucking school you went to and all that shit i hope you don't get in trouble but if you somehow your woman is listening to this a guy does something like that not because he's being a dick it's because he cares for you and uh we don't know how to uh we we we don't have

those skills how do you tell somebody that there's no way to do it i think what he did was genius nobody got fucking hurt you felt great about yourself he cared about you enough sweetheart in case you're listening then he came up with the plan that you know if he put it in another area he could have like whack jfk so there you go he came up with an enigma wrapped up in a riddle however that fuck that goes and uh and you look even better i would hope somebody would do that for me all right girlfriend in fantasy league hey bill love the podcast but but uh thank you i've been in a fantasy football league for 10 years it was started by one of my best friends and has been the same 12 guys for a decade i don't even know how bands have put uh i don't even know

bands that have been together that long so this year my buddy who started the league decided to boot out two lifelong members in favor of his girlfriend and the girlfriend of a friend of ours wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute did those other two guys who got booted did they do anything i mean if he was going to add the ladies why did those other two guys have to leave wow all right okay well i'm sucked into this story he said i mean i immediately called bullshit and said point blank to his face if she wasn't sucking your dick then she wouldn't be in the league uh dude that right there's a game changer you can't say what if he marries this woman always there's a rule for you guys always be careful what you say about the woman your guy is

with because you never fucking know you never know and i'm sure there's some listeners that have stories and if you'd like to contribute them to the podcast where uh you know what's even fucking worse is when your buddy he says fucked up shit about the girl you know about what a horse she is in bed and she's fucking his brains out blah blah blah blah and tells you all these these details and then the jackass ends up falling for and then he has to fucking break up with you because he's not going to break up with her because every time he looks at you he thinks oh you know he knows how this girl my future wife sucks my dick you know anyways plowing ahead he's trying to defend his decision by saying she at least knows a little about sports dude this is awful this guy wasn't

raised right man this is just this is fucking terrible he said the fact of the matter is that she is from new york and knows who the jets are that's the extent of her football knowledge he thinks i'm overreacting you're not overreacting he didn't ask anybody else you've had 12 for the last 10 years and he just removed two of the original band members dude this isn't even funny this is like this is really upsetting to me he thinks i'm overreacting but i think of it the same scenario if you had if you have one night a year to have a guys night with your buddies and then you get to the bar you see that your friends has invited his girlfriend to guys night exactly he even told me that she she's the one who asked

if she could join which obviously to me means he had no intentions of inviting her but when he was back into the corner his balls shot up into his throat and he couldn't say no exactly it's not just a fantasy league but a clear indication that she's going to slowly start chipping away at everything else in the rest of his life exactly in summation his girlfriend wanted in and he crumbled and said yes am i reading too much into this am i overreacting i'd like to know because he's getting pissed at me for being pissed at him absolutely not sir everything that i was going to tell you you already know and you wrote in this email okay you ran down the mats you went off the little fucking springy board you hit the fucking hobby horse you did your little fucking

marie lulet and flip and you stuck the landing you get a perfect 10 on that one sir you are 100 right you know what you want my move would be i would start my own fantasy league all right and i would invite everybody else in that fucking league well i wouldn't do that because now that's that's a chick move make people decide now this is what i wouldn't be as harsh with him and just be like no dude what you did was absolute bullshit and i guarantee you i would tell him that she's going to start chipping away with you at your life your balls are up in your throat but that's going to end your friendship with them but here's the deal dude there are other fantasy football leagues to join all right and uh that that's one of those ugly things about

about that chapter of guys lives after college you know when you went to grade school together or you met him and called up guys in college or whatever but you guys have this unbelievable bond like you went to fucking war together if one of your friends is a pussy you know he has a he has a chance of meeting somebody who's going to splinter the group you know and this isn't an anti-woman thing this is more like an anti-pussy guy kind of thing where uh you know there are controlling suffocating people on both sides men and women and i know that there's women listening and they've one of their best girlfriends started dating some fucking overbearing insecure douchebag guy and the first thing they do is they cut them off from their friends and then it's the

co-workers then the friends and then their family they stick them under a fucking little glass or something so uh yeah you know what dude the worst the sad thing is is you're gonna lose a couple of friends sometimes that happens and you just have to be content about it and you know and i think it's really important for men and women to have men only and women only social events that they can go to once a week or a couple times a month and just hang out with the fellas and hang out with the ladies and just whatever i think it's really really healthy it gives you something to look forward to it gives you a place where you can just vent about your anything you fucking want and in a group of people that 100% is going to understand

and you don't have to worry about hurting anybody's feelings or offending on anybody i think it's from it's really really fucking healthy and this guy's fucking with that and uh and he didn't put it to a vote what is he the grand poobah this shit i don't know there's so many ways you can go with that just spending depending on how much you want to stir up the pot you guys should put it to the vote this would be great put it to a vote dude have this be like your arab spring but with a fantasy football league and just vote that cunt out and then you become the dictator and you move into the palace how about that whatever dude you're a hundred percent right i would just i would choose my words a little

more carefully um don't say that he didn't have the balls just say listen this was something that we did together for 12 years and uh i'm really disappointed and shocked that you made this big a move and remove two other members and didn't include anybody else in it i don't think that it was done right and i think we should put this to a vote that's what we should do and if he gets mad he starts yelling don't lose your cool just keep stating your opinion calmly and you know if he's going to be a bitch about it let him be a bitch about it and i would actually for your own health dude she all they think she knows is the jet she's gonna be like wait a minute who's that oh my god i don't know anything she's gonna try to do that you know that thing where women try to

act like they're dumb because they think it's cute you know what i would do sir i would just cut your losses just fucking i don't know the more i think about it the more annoyed i'm getting and it's ruining my fucking day and i'm not even in it i don't even like fantasy football all right banker cunts all right billy boy uh so have you heard about these greedy cunts at goldman sacks that was kind of a national story what did they do something else you said they cornered a large share of the market in aluminum and then bet it on the futures of aluminum with the price going up sounds illegal it is but of course those stupid fucking cunts found a loophole in the law the loophole is that 25 tons of aluminum is supposed to leave the warehouse every day

however the law doesn't specify where it had to go so they would just send it to another warehouse of theirs and technically it didn't leave the warehouse in the new york times article they interviewed people who previously worked at these warehouses they would jokerly send each other messages and say hey get hey get that that shipment of aluminum but really they were just transferring it to an adjacent warehouse uh this is i don't even get what the fuck's going on here of course goldman sacks has recently posted its largest quarter profit of over two billion when can we take these bankers out into the street and just shoot them all joking aside this shit is inside a trading and they should be prosecuted but we know that won't happen

ps know you're busy for a while but when are you coming back to atlanta uh i actually don't know i don't know why i'm coming back to atlanta you know what that's one of those things i should have read that 20 times in a row and learned what exactly is going on i think this is basically how they get away with it is that there's too many people like myself that don't even understand what was going on there all that stuff betting on futures i don't even understand what any of that means i was just in the stock market long enough to realize like hey i don't i don't know what the fuck's going on i'm i basically felt like i was standing at a crap table uh i put my money on a crap table in a and i wasn't even in

the casino you know i was in a different state and then i was calling somebody else up going hey how's the game going you know i saw a couple of stats at the bottom with the screen and i can't even read them i don't even know if the game's even being played that's what i can't get passed about everybody listening to this podcast you don't you don't have any of the money that you earn every week you don't have any of it you ever think about that it's a number on a piece of paper you take it to the bank and then they stick that number in your atm then occasionally you go to the atm they give you a piece of paper that is only worth something because everybody says it's worth something but you really have nothing of value what you have is the piece of

paper that's uh part of the life so that that is the genius of all of this shit and through penalties and fees and taxes and all that crap they get you even further removed where you have to invest it you know why do i have to fucking invest you can't add on you don't get anything you don't get anything of fucking value the only thing that has value is the lie and as long as the lie continues i mean isn't this the month where we go to raise the debt ceiling every fucking year eventually that wave is going to crash um i don't know i hope when the wave crashes that all races and all economic levels somehow put down their differences and they all come together and we just start walking towards gated communities all right there you go how much are you stealing that

you have to live behind a gated community they're sitting there acting like they're they're afraid that we're going to steal their shit it's like you got your shit by stealing from us all right anarchy sorry all right where am i going here the next one low libido girlfriend uh all right hey bill i've been with my current girlfriend for two years and we've had our ups and downs ups and downs relationship wise but even at the lowest points we still get back together okay is there a reason you get back together is it because you actually love this girl or you just lonely and don't want to go through the pain of a breakup uh the problem is at this point in the relationship it seems like i'm the only one interested in sex maybe it's just a man thing or

how long we've been dating but she's in her 20s and i'm 31 and we have the sex life of a middle age married couple once a month or once every three weeks at best she generally responds to my advances with this interest or at worst annoyance do you think there is any ways to change this or we just not sexually compatible go fuck yourself well my gut tells me the relationship is over and it's been over um oh you said ups and downs you didn't say that you broke up i read into that um yeah you need to sit down and talk to her and just say listen uh i just want to talk about her sex life i feel like it's almost non-existent and when i try to get something going with you i feel like you're uh like i just completely turn you off you know did i do something

and if in general if you just not into me anymore just let me know because i'm 31 and uh i should probably try and find someone who finds me remotely attractive when you think so it's kind of what i'm looking for in life somebody who actually gives a flying fuck then i'm shaking my dick in their face huh see like right there look you just look down just a mere mention of me shaking my cock in your feet no sorry yeah that's what i would do you think there's any change of this or we just not sexually compatible that this is all like a all relationship shit is communication you have to sit down for when you want to communicate relationship what i've learned the best thing to do is sit down with yourself first

all right driving in the car get all the yelling out scream at the windshield yeah and what the fuck i'm sitting there i went over to your brother's house the other day and what do i get you know just scream and get it all out and then when you get all that out then you just do some self analysis and you try to break down the anger and be like what am i really upset about you know what do i feel right now i feel like i'm not being heard i feel this i feel that and then what you then you had to have this game plan okay even if you got to make like a set list like a fucking comedian and you just write down what you're feeling and the points that you want to get out draw a smiley face at the end of it to remind yourself to not get angry because

you're going to start the conversation this works for both men and women you're going to start the conversation so the other person is caught off guard so they didn't get a chance to scream at the windshield so they might start screaming at you so your point your your main thing is not to join in and have the whole thing escalate you just want to be heard all right so if you in an adult way just tell them what you're feeling without insulting them it's always good for the relationship even if the relationship fucking comes to an end uh you're just pressing fast forward through a bunch of pain so there you go so i would just sit down with there and just say yeah i just feel like i repulse you to the point that i'm you know i feel hesitant to even even try to make a move on you

what's the deal you know see how that works out all right road head accident hey bill i took my lady out to a nice steakhouse for our anniversary we had an awesome night the food was expensive but fucking great we picked out and after it was all over we left we then went and seen a movie i don't know if that's a typo sir but i fucking i know guys like you we went out we had all this meal and we went out we seen a movie and at two hours to let our stomach settle i'm surprised you didn't fall asleep i would have felt if i had a giant steak dinner i would have got the itis anyways then after we left the theater we locked eyes in the car and we immediately wanted to fuck jesus dude you're killing it steak dinner movies now you're gonna

you know you got a woman who wants to jump on your dick god bless you america uh so i threw the neon into drive and floored it towards home however she had the amazing idea to give me some road head before we got home being a dude i had my dick out before she even got situated of course after a while of her doing this she started to gag being a dude i was thinking oh yeah she can't even handle this dick jesus christ this guy's sparing no details sorry ladies uh despite the fact that she had never gagged before oh sorry i missed the self-deprecating tag there he said i was thinking she can't handle this dick despite the fact she had never gagged before before i knew it oh no all right if you're squeamish people just shut it off now he goes i felt a wet sensation

on my balls as i looked down i noticed that she had thrown up all over my dick balls in general crotch area sorry wow here's the bullshit she was mad at me what the fuck she was so upset and embarrassed that's what it is right there sir about about it that she hasn't come over in two weeks why is she pissed she isn't the one that had to clean his steak right all right tell me what to do um i gotta tell you this she's being really immature she's embarrassed she's embarrassed and she's not being mature about this where i mean it was a mutual thing it's not like you grabbed her by the back of the head and just slammed her head down there you know

she was all about it in fact if i remember before i can get that nightmare visual out of my head it was her idea right we didn't want to fuck whoever she had the amazing idea to give me some head out she's a trooper you know this is what i would do send her a card in the mail all right and just just tell it that you know you miss her i you don't view her any differently or anything and just just just write something nice and i'd really like to uh take you out for an ice cream even if you do throw it up all of my dick and balls later i think it'd be kind of uh soothing you know it is the summertime months and that crotch area can get a little hot so i wouldn't mind a little mint chocolate chip around the pubes there all right leave leave out the last part

but i don't know just send her a nice car i wouldn't even bring up the incident just send her a nice card something cute nothing silly nothing fucking overly loving just something in the middle you know what sir i think we actually found a new niche for hallmark they gotta have one where there was something sexually weird happened and the other person is embarrassed and the other person doesn't judge him and wants him back you could have those cards let's see if i can come up with one here that actually rhymes uh dear lady you got a little shady i still love you uh i don't know if you puked at my dick and balls i don't know how to fucking get somewhere

in there uh wrap ups okay that's a podcast for this week everybody uh once again i feel absolutely horrible that people actually came out to that uh to the fucking el paso show i don't know what happened i don't know if you missed an email or what but it seemed like there were enough people showed up that the ball got dropped somewhere i announced it here in the podcast um i don't know anyways my apologies wrap ups okay now that the show's over don't forget to support our sponsors this is really important this is how i make money on this thing and i don't have to charge anybody shit uh once again get started with a free 30 day trial of e voice e voice gives you a toll free number don't free your local number so you can make business calls from anywhere and always sounds

like you're at the office right now go to e voice dot com enter the promo code bill for your 30 day free trial that's e voice dot com promo code bill or go to the podcast page bill bird dot com and click on the e voice banner uh support this podcast get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to the podcast page bill bird dot com and click the hulu plus banner or go to hulu plus dot com slash bill that's hulu plus dot com slash bill that's a podcast for this week uh once again my apologies to everybody went down to the show and i'll pass so i feel horrible about it everybody else go fuck yourselves have a great week that's it i'll talk to you later where's the stop you