Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-6-15

Episode Date: August 7, 2015

Bill rambles about Lenny's Dick, Tom's Emails and hugging a Walrus.1

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Visit Genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday. And I'm just checking it out here! What's going on? I'm going to get complaints from my neighbors, because I got the fucking door open. I don't give a shit, because it's hot today. Oh, it's a hot one, you know?

It's fucking hot as shit, but I live in California, and I'm not running the fucking AC. I'm doing my part, you know? I'm doing my part for the fishies, for the water that we steal, or whatever. You know, I'm fucking, you know, I'm doing what I can. That's all, that's all you can do. That's all you can do, you know? You just do what you can, OK? Just hope that the people at the top that don't give a fuck about anybody, but

themselves and their bulls will, will maybe let something trickle down to you. That's right, to you, Wu. Yeah, I've been, I've been trying to do my part. You know, I was really fucking into that shit for a while, and then I just like, you know what, nobody else gives a fuck. I'm not trying, and then I've kind of fucking grown up, and I got out of it. I've sworn off bottled water. I'm not doing it anymore.

I walk around like a fucking adult toddler. I got a giant fucking thermos, and I fill that thing up before I leave, and then I just go out, and I'm going to take that thing on the road with me. I'm going to sit from it, though. There's no way I'm going to sit, you know, drink from it when I'm on stage when I do my shows, because it's got like this red dog dick tip. I get heckled enough as it is, but you know, you see that shit. Enough bottled water is used every year and thrown out to go around the whole

fucking world or something. I think that's just our country. I don't know what this hippie told me. It wasn't even a hippie. It was something on the Discovery Channel, and so I'm trying not to do that, and then I'm taking quicker showers, basically hose myself down like a dog, and then I shut off the water. Then I soap myself up, relax ladies.

Try to compose yourselves here. And then when I'm done doing that, then I just rinse myself off, and it's over, because I'm sick of people going, you know, actually, if you take a bath, you use less water, and then if you're standing up, it's like, dude, a bath, you're laying in your own filth, you know what I mean? It's fucking gross. Unless you're a hot broad with some fucking bubble shit going on, you're in there reading your little fucking book about the prince that's going to

touch the ladies clam after they kiss the horse with the frog there, right? Then it's just gross. You're just a, you're a fucking animal. You know, it's clean water until you get in it. Then you're just sitting there. There's a lot of shit with that. You know, people wash, you know, wash your hands after you take a piss. It's like, why don't you fucking wash your hands before you do it?

Okay, you're not opening doors with your dick. Are you? Unless you like Lenny Kravitz and you squatted down during your solo and your fucking dick came out. How fucking awesome is that? Big shout out to Lenny Kravitz having a great fucking rock and roll moment. He fucking was doing a show, I think over in Sweden, and he's wearing leather pants because he's a fucking rock star, and he squats down during the solo and his fucking

dick flopped out. And according to my wife who told me, right? I'm gonna give a fuck. I'm gonna give a fuck if my wife looks at Lenny's dick. Why wouldn't you? If you're abroad, why wouldn't you? You know, a fucking, one of those fucking pop stars clams came out. You think I'm not looking?

Remember when Beyonce fell down the stairs? Remember that? You were waiting for a teddy to come out. You weren't concerned about whether she got concussed. Were you? You were waiting for an iconic teddy to flop out. It has not happened as far as I know since Janet Jackson. There was all that skanky wardrobe malfunction.

Not that it was like you forgot that you weren't wearing panties and fucking Brittany would get out and show her fucking clam. You know what I mean? That Tallahassee fucking twat that she has. I mean, that's not sexy. She's one of those dirty feet chicks. She's one of those chicks walking in the fucking liquor store without fucking sandals on. And that's a mother too.

And I know I'm being harsh. I know I'm judging her, but you know, ladies, if you, if you have filthy, if you got dirty feet, let's try to keep the titties in the sports bra this summer. All right. However, if you clean, you know, and you roll down a flight of stairs, by all means, let them come out, you know, give somebody a show. That's all I'm saying. You know, I'm trying to bring people together here.

So anyways, his fucking dick flopped out in the middle of his fucking solo in front of a crowd of people. He's playing a guitar solo as a rock star wearing leather pants and his dick flops out. I mean, come on, how does it, how does it get better than that as a man? How can you be crushing it any harder? I'll tell you how you actually have a fucking your dick pierced. You know what I mean? That makes it even better, which evidently he did.

This guy's dick was actually weighted down and it still flopped out. I bought last Monday when I was talking about how dicks are out in the fucking locker room while they're out at a Lenny Kravitz concert too. So if you're easily offended, if you don't got the quick twitch and you can't move your head out of the way quickly, you might not want to go for those front row seats, you know? I don't want to talk about, I don't want to talk about Lenny's dick coming out. Good for him. And you know, when anybody's offended by that, fuck that.

That took 20 years for that guys. He's been around since 1988. What am I talking about? This guy's been around for 27 years without incident. I think once every three decades, if your dick flops out during the performance, what are you, what are you going to do? It's bound to happen, right? You know, somebody's going to, oh wait, what happened over in Europe?

They don't give a shit, right? Probably happened to them all the time. Their fucking jeans are so tight over there. All those tight ass jeans wearing fucking people over there in Europe. I don't know what the deal is. I think after World War II, if your pants were too saggy, someone would come by and just snatch them like a pair of warm up fucking sweaties. You know, those guys wearing the NBA, right?

Some tear ways. So the people over there in Europe, you know, their grandparents came back and they had to wear tight fucking jeans. And then their kids did it. Now their kids, kids do it. And they're just walking around with those tight fucking jeans. All up on their nuts. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I actually got the fucking, so I got the door open here. I got a screen door for my, for my office here underrated the fucking screen door. It's a goddamn game changer. You know, it's also very white trash, which is what I am. You know, white trash. I'm a trashy sort of individual. I'm just killing it right now, but I just got to watch about this, the, the curse and really loud because of my fucking neighbors.

What are they going to do? That's the great thing about ordering, ordering a house, owning a house. It's like, what are you going to, I own the house. What are you going to do? You're going to call the landlord. That's me. All right. I know what some of you guys are saying.

I don't know the bank is because you still owe them money. No, I don't. You're cunts. I fucking paid this thing off. I own it. This is my fucking hunk of shit. I'm gradually fixing this fucking goddamn house, man. I swear to God, it's, it's, it's haunted with repairs every fucking time.

I think, I think I'm turning the corner, you know, I'm getting around the corner and I'm and something good is going to happen. Something else fucking happens and, uh, Christ, I got the money. Christ, I got fucking termites in my garage. I got this other fucking, I didn't want to talk about it, you know, but I got a screen door. Okay. Last month I did not have a screen door. I'm not going negative here.

I'm going to stay positive. So anyways, I, uh, uh, we finished punching up episode six of F is for family. Had a nice 12 hour day yesterday. Um, oh my God, I was a whiny bitch at the end of it. You know, we had it still, we finished it. And then we had to do a couple of other things. I was like, I want to go home. Fucking baby.

I mean, spoiled spoiled as a goddamn, uh, comedian live in the life. Speaking of comedians, speaking of comedians, um, court, McCown friend of the Monday morning podcast, where the fuck did it go? I had everything ready. Oh, there it is. I can never, I never always think I'm going to have everything on command here on demand. I don't know what it is. Um, friend of the Monday morning podcast, cigar buddy of mine, um, co-host of the podcast

in sensitive and sensitivity training with Rose Bowl tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick, the godfather of the Rose Bowl tailgate. And, uh, also a member of the all things company network. Court McCown has a new album coming out tomorrow called live from Pearl street. You can pre-order it today or, uh, get it tomorrow at court mccown.com. That's C-O-R-T-M small C capital C-O-W-N.com or all things comedy. It was recorded in La Jolla, uh, San Diego and the album has been getting great reviews by comics who have had an early listen, listen and, uh, and that's it man.

Check it out. Support the all things comedy network. Check out court McCown. Good friend of mine. Um, and listen to the insensitivity training podcast if you can. All right, Bill, you done with your commercial? Yeah, it's sort of a commercial. So anyways, uh, what are we going to talk about here?

Oh, we got to talk about the Tom Brady emails. Did you guys read the fucking Tom Brady emails? Did you, did you sit down, you know, put on a nice comfortable sweater, you know, when it fits halfway over your hands and you picked up your coffee mug with both fucking hands and just settled down to read the gossip? Well, if you did, you've lost all respect with me and tell your father that he didn't raise a man. I didn't read him at all. What kind of a fucking man sits down and reads leaked emails of another man?

What are you doing? Huh? What, what, what the, how fucking pathetic is your goddamn life? How jealous are you a Tom Brady that you're going to get in there and see him talking, talking to Giselle about the fucking dog food. He's got to go get, you know what I mean? Grow the fuck up. Would you want somebody doing that to you?

Unbelievable. How the fuck did he get air pressure? Now we're reading his emails. What are we going to do next? Give out the guy's social security number. I can't wait for this whole fucking thing to turn around. All right. This guy is getting burned at the fucking stake.

And eventually there's going to be nothing left to burn. And then the media's slowly going to come around like, well, we're fair to Tom Brady. Skip Bayless is already doing it. Skip Bayless, who's never made a good point in his life somehow is on ESPN. Skip Bayless, who literally does a show where if one guy says you need air to breathe, he will argue the other side just to keep some sort of, just to keep the plate spinning, just to keep the excitement going. Skip Bayless, how that guy isn't hosting the family feud or a wheel of fortune,

you know, or that one where you punch the fucking thing when it pops up, whatever the card sharks, that's what he looks like he should be doing. Even he knows, even he knows that there's something rotten out there in Indianapolis. There's something going on there in Baltimore, two horrific fucking cities, absolutely horrific cities, Baltimore. You know, your city's fucked up when they make the wire there, right? That's a done deal. I don't even need to talk anymore about that city.

You know what I mean? And then out in Indianapolis, what do they have in Indianapolis? They got the Indianapolis 500 and a giant clan rally every year. You know, Jesus Christ, you want to read something interesting? Why don't you read about somebody who plays for the Pacers? You're dead center in one of the whitest fucking states ever, with one of the highest clan fucking memberships. Dude, Indiana, that is the place as a fucking white guy.

If you want to be a complete fucking maniac and not be held accountable, that's what I've learned. Jim Erse, my hat is off to you. My hat is off to you. You picked the city, man. You picked the fucking state, dude. If you're going to conduct yourself the way you conduct yourself, okay? And I tell you right now, I know you got a walking closet bigger than my house, full of all kinds of haberdashery and shiny fucking shoes and pocket squares,

but you're not fooling this balding redhead. Oh, no, you are not, sir. I know who you are. You know why? Because I used to drink in Chelsea, Massachusetts. I met guys like you. Oh, it gives a fuck. Football season is upon us.

It's August, everybody. Put it up, put it up. Suck my fucking dick. It's here. It's beginning. And God bless all those football fans that are such maniacs, like especially Steeler fans who are out there fucking at the Steelers training camp bugging, you know, Randy Baumann, you know on WDVE and Pittsburgh.

All right. Oh, by the way, by the way, Pittsburgh people, you might want to watch afters for family. You might want to watch afters for family. You might recognize something. There's a little teaser. You might recognize something on that show. I gave a little nod to fucking Steel Town there, which has now become computer town down there at the stacks.

Let's go down to Forever 21. Anyways, what am I talking about here? Yeah. So football season's coming up. I actually went to a party recently. And it was this couple that Nia and I know and they're, they're moving back to New York. You know, they, one of them got this awesome acting gig and all that.

Just fucking, oh, by the way, and they got the cutest fucking kid ever. Right. Little redheaded boy. And his dad is a drummer and his mother is a singer. So he's got, you know, he's got the gift and he fucking loves drums. Right. So he's fucking wailing on these drums. He's like two years old, wailing on these drums.

And I don't, I don't want the next thing. You know, I'm fucking sitting there with my iPhone and I'm showing him Moby Dick. The fucking, that didn't sound good. A toddler and then dick in the same sentence. No, it didn't have this song. The Led Zeppelin song, the Moby Dick, the drum solo and the one from Royal Albert Hall. When he's on that maple kit and I showed it. Oh, the first thing I did was I showed him the clip of Keith Carlock that my wife took

when we saw, um, Steely Dan and he kept going, play it again. Play it again, play it again. And then when Keith would be going completely nuts on the drums, you know, like the third time he just looked two years old, just looked up at me and he just goes, wow, where you would say, wow, you know, the whole thing was great. But when he built it up to like the, the, the peak, this kid was going nuts. So my guy, you liked it. And we watched it like eight times in a row.

He kept going, play it again, play it again, riveted. Like most kids are sitting there watching, uh, the tumbleweeds or whatever the fuck you call those things. Well, those things that didn't talk and everybody thought it made your kid weird. There was a blue one and a red one, not the M&Ms. They look like, uh, barbapapas, but they were more like robotic. Tell it, Tubbies. And we go, I worked it out.

Tell it, Tubbies. So anyways, uh, he's fucking riveted to that. So I got to show you this John Bonham thing. And, uh, dude, he just fucking got just totally enamored with it. Um, it was fucking awesome. It was awesome. Cause I know that kid, that kid's going to be a great drummer. So, uh, actually before they leave, I'm going to try to find it.

You can find it anymore. They don't even make DVDs. I got to get them a DVD copy of that so they can pop that in. You know, how cool is it to have a kid like that? That's babysitting. You fucking put in Led Zeppelin and the kids loving it at two years old, as opposed to some fucking kitty shit that's just playing one of those songs that slowly drives you mad.

Right? This is a song that doesn't end. That's why you got to get them into Sesame Street, right? Sesame Street has all that fucking subtle humor for adults. They actually realized that there was going to be a parent around, but somewhere along the line, that fucking art has really dropped up. They do it with movies though. A lot of those toy story movies and that type of shit.

But when they just make something just straight up for kids, um, like literally the drugs you have to do, to be on, to somehow fucking get through it, and knowing full well the kid wants to, you know, you can get through it once, but knowing that the kid wants to see it again. I mean, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus.

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by going to blueapron.com slash burr, B-U-R-R. My treat, really. The first two meals are on me. Now they're on Blue Apron. When you go to blueapron.com slash burr, B-U-R-R. They should really get to the meat of the order there. No pun intended. You don't have time to cook.

You don't want to become a fat fuck, right? This is the way to do it. Come home. You throw this shit in the pot. It's done. You eat it. Stare at the TV. You're not off.

And you go right back to work the next day. Next thing you know, the hot broad down the hall, you want a bang. So it's like, what are you doing? Is this something? Did you shave off your mustache? No, bitch. I got abs.

All right. Then you get abs, dude. They'll take the elevator right down to the fucking, what do you call it? The fucking, your collective there. They'll start at the top floor. If you want to get more blow jobs, guys, I'm telling you, you got to get abs.

Because what happens is they'll kiss on those two, which is the two easiest ones to get. But then if it starts smoothing out, they can't get up over that hill. They can't get over the hill of your stomach. You got to flatten that fucker out. You know, then they go down to floor number two, floor number three,

and then they spend the night, those two long ones. That's like the slide, you know, right into the power switch. Oh, God, Bill, really? Has it come to that? What do you mean has it come to that? It's always been there.

I've always been a dick joke comic. All right. So speaking of that, how are you guys doing on your diet? How are you guys doing? Get your beach body by September, just like me with global warming. You can walk around shirtless until October. It's phenomenal.

Walk around shirtless, you know, go up and hug a walrus that for some reason is in your backyard now. Who knows? Why is it there? I don't know. Did you check out the new iPhone 7? I should talk.

I got the six. Anyways, so this week, I need to get down to a buck 74. As of this morning, I was 175.2, but having a rough week, you know, I even played hockey this weekend. I'm still, I think I'm starting, my body's getting used to not boozing

and me eating well, which is scary, because that means if I stop doing this and I go back to the toxic shit, it's going to be a problem. Like the other night, a buddy of mine, he was, every Tuesday night, right? He makes some food and he's got this, you know, he makes the moving pictures there.

He makes the talkies. So he has like his son comes over and, you know, he showed, you know, a bunch of his friends, I come over a couple of other people and they fucking screen movies or whatever. So I went over there and he had burgers and fries and I'm going, oh, shit.

I didn't eat dinner and I was like, fuck it. So I grabbed a turkey burger. I had French fries and onion rings, not too many, but I had them. And then I was thinking, well, I'm playing hockey later. I'll fucking burn this off. And all I did was I went out and hockey and I literally felt like I ate one of my skates.

And we played at this new fucking place that has, the rink was the size of like Olympic level ice, like the European ice man. I fucking loved it. I loved it because I was actually able to stick handle for a good second and a half before somebody took it away from me because those smaller rinks, people are just on top of you.

So I liked it. And everybody else was like, oh my God, I was so fucking tired. It's like, really? I wasn't, you know, something about not handling the puck and just gliding around, you know, you really keep your wind. That was bad. I went out, my first shift, I went out

and I fucking skated it. My own guy, you know, made a move right over the blue line and I just looked at him as he came right at me and he was looking down at the puck and we fucking slammed into each other like a couple of toddlers. And of course, everybody's like, hey, Bill, nice hit. Nice hit, Bill. Way to take the party.

You know, just embarrassing myself. But I'm not out there to get better at hockey. Who's kidding who? I'm out there like a total LA fucking plastic phony. I'm out there to burn calories. So anyways, I'm 175.2. So I'm going to hit it hard the next couple of days, get myself down to 174.

And then, then it gets exciting. Then it gets exciting because my fight and weight's about 171, 172. Although there's pooch, you know, I'm trying to up the fucking protein, you know what I mean? And I've been doing this workout that Bert fucking Christia, Bert Christia tweeted to me.

I think it was from Men's Health Magazine. It was like improving your grip strength. And I'm telling you, I've done a lot of different shit. And it's like, yeah, whatever, whatever, this shit fucking works. I'm going to, I'm going to repost it, retweet it or whatever. Basically to improve your grip strength, which helps you, I guess, lift heavier shit. I don't know what I'm just trying to be able to do more pull-ups.

This fucking thing, it's really cool. So the first thing you do is you hang from the, you hang from your chin up bar in the pull-up position. You try to do it two sets for a minute straight, whatever. If you can only do 10 seconds next time, try 15, you work your way up. So once you do that, which I've been able to do, then you do it where you hang it from for a minute, one hand on the pull-up bar, the other one,

you hang a rag or a towel over the, the chin up bar. And then you help, you get one hand's holding the towel, the other one's holding the, the pull-up bar. So most of your, most of your strength is coming from the thing, obviously the hand holding the, the pull-up bar. And you get to the point where you can do that for a minute with each hand, right? So I got to that point.

So now I'm to the next one. This one, now you just hang from the fucking pull-up bar by one arm for a minute and I'll see how that goes. Hopefully I don't pull my arm out of my socket, but I've noticed that, you know, climbing the rope, the pegboard, all of that type of shit is getting, it's getting easier. Also, you know, I'm shaving down the fucking ham. So, I don't know, that's what the fuck I've been doing.

Oatmeal every fucking day, guys. Oatmeal banana. And I'm doing a little bit less oatmeal and I'm scrambling two fucking eggs with nothing on them for the protein or whatever. And I got to tell you as bland as that is, when I'm done eating it, I feel like I could run through a fucking wall though.

My wife's been doing this thing where she makes oatmeal and she puts some peanut butter in there and then some berries. And I'm telling you, dude, you fucking eat like that, you feel like a superhero. And then, of course, you go to pick up a box, if you're my age, then you know, you feel like you're 600 years old. But when you walk over to the box, you feel phenomenal. So, anyways, oh, so as I was mentioned,

so I went to that party, right? Mall over the map as always. But the couple that was, you know, is moving away with the fucking soon-to-be rock star son, right? Anyways, I met somebody over there that was a big-time Auburn fan. And he was just going off talking about, you know, they really got a shot this year, you know, being good and all that type of shit.

And he told me where there was an Auburn bar. And I don't know, man, I know I'm an LSU guy, but I think Auburn's my second team in the SEC. I just like both those teams because they have a huge rivalry with Alabama. I know everybody in the SEC hates Alabama. I don't even hate Alabama. They just fund a route against them.

Man, come on, man. I'm a fucking, what do you call it, a carpet bagger or whatever. I'm not from the South. What the fuck do I get off picking a team, right? If I was like a typical Yankee fan, I'd go down there and I'd be like, I like Alabama, you know, because they don't like a challenge. You know what I mean?

A Metz fan, right? Metz fan would come down there and be like, fuck Alabama. So what I'm a Red Sox fan. So I always fuck the people that are on top, which is hilarious at this point, the amount of money that the Red Sox spend. I know I'm a total hypocrite,

but it's just fun to root against Alabama because Alabama is supposed to win. So that gets boring after a while. Although I am psyched that Saban was able to bring the program back because it was once Bear Bryant went away. That was a rough number of years. You know what's funny?

Do you know how I always remember Nick Saban's name? Because I always forget it. I always remember when I was at the LSU game and the whole student section, they would chant, fuck you Saban, fuck you Saban. And for some reason that just stuck with me. So whenever I'm coming up to his name, I start slowing down the sentence

and then I hear that student section chanting that. How fucking weird is that? Well, whatever. I'm a weird guy. What do you want from me? All right. So we're coming up on 28 minutes here. I'm finally getting my internet fixed today, man.

I went on this website that somebody told me about to see what I was getting. If you're getting like 40 to 60 megabytes per minute download, like that's like the bare minimum, I guess even that kind of sucks. I don't know shit about this. I was getting .30. I had like dial-up.

I just had regular old fucking internet. I didn't realize it. So uploading these podcasts has been taken forever. So now I said fuck this. And I just got, I went to a different company. Now I'm going to get 300 megabytes a fucking minute. I want to like that fucking internet you get at the hotel. Whenever I record one at the hotel,

I go to upload it and just goes fucking done. My hot, what does it do Bill? Fucking done, right? I do it here. I'm sitting around for like four hours screaming at my computer. I fucking hate computers. Like a goddamn baby. All right.

So anyways, that is the Thursday afternoon podcast. Hope you guys are having a good week. If you're not, it's already Thursday. You probably listened to this on the ride home. You only got one more day. Fuck it, right? Have a good time this weekend. Summer's almost over.

Enjoy it. Have a good weekend. Your cunts and I will talk to you on Monday. And Monday I have a big announcement that I'm not going to be able to do on the podcast because I have to wait until like nine o'clock at night. I think East Coast time, which would be six PM my time. If you follow me on Twitter, I have a huge gig coming up.

And tickets will be going on sale. And I got to get my ass, forget about physically in shape. I got to get my ass in shape comedically for this gig. So whatever. That's the Thursday afternoon podcast. Just chicken in it. Go fuck yourselves. No, I'll go fuck you.

That's Thursday. Have a nice weekend, your cunts. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you later. Advice Bill, how's it going? I hope that wherever you're at, everything is going swell. Lol. All right.

It's kind of a question about a relationship. Here's my story. I'm 19 years old, 19 year old female who's been dating a 20, 21 year old male. And we've been together almost five years. Oh, Jesus. Five fucking years. And she writes fucking ridiculous.

Fucking ridiculous. I know. And our relationship has had its ups and downs, like any relationship. But lately, I feel like I can't stand them anymore. Well, yeah, that's understandable. You've been dating them like half your fucking life. I don't know what's wrong with me or maybe it's him.

I don't know what's going on. I have no fucking clue. But he seems to have a really big problem with weed. If he isn't high, he can't think about anything else, but getting high. Oh, God. Here we go. His goal in life is to get high as a fucking kite and giggle.

That's a peaceful, nice fucking goal. She writes, what the fuck? I don't want to be dating a weakling who needs a drug like, who needs a drug like that. I want a man. And I don't know how to tell him that. Every time I tell him I have a problem with the weed, we get into a huge argument and I end up being the bitch.

I just want him to care about me more than he cares about his weed. And it's hurting us financially. We both only make 300 bucks a week, and he's spending 75% of his check on weed, cigarettes, and gas. I am the breadwinner. I don't want to be the breadwinner. I'm so tired of taking care of his dumb ass. He doesn't even seem like he's willing to change even a little bit.

What do I do? I know I probably sound like a complete prude, but I'm not at all. Well, anyways, I really hope you read this and can give me some good advice. All right. Ma'am, you are dating a fucking loser. Yeah, you're dating a loser.

So you got to get out of it. I mean, the only red flag in there is when you said, I just want him to care about me more than he cares about his weed. Now, the only question I have there is, well, what if he was really into playing guitar? Would you then be like, I just want him to care more about me than he does about his guitar playing?

Because then, you know, that's actually a red flag with you, because you could be one of those awful people. Like one of the worst relationships you can seriously be in is when you're dating somebody who finds your passion to be a threat. And then they systematically, like they try to mindfuck you, out of basically either your dream in life all the way down to just a simple hobby that you have, just because it steals focus from you paying attention to them,

which I don't think you are in this. I think you sound very rational. You actually said, I don't know if it's me. So I don't think you are being like that. So I have to side with you 100% here. All right, let's first of all, we'll start with your relationship and just completely ignore the fact that he's 21, you're 19,

you've been together for five years, which means when you got together, you were 14, he was 16, which means at some point he was 18 and you were under 18. So there was some sort of statutory rape going on there, right? We'll ignore all of that. And just get to the fact like, you know, I bet a lot of my listeners would probably think that I was going to trash you for you saying that I am the,

I'm the breadwinner. I don't want to be the breadwinner, you know, and I would go, oh, typical fucking broads, you know, they all talk about how they want to be the independent goddamn woman and yada, yada, yada. And all of a sudden they got to take care of some fucking sponge. Welcome to my goddamn world. I'm not, I don't feel that you'll like that.

I know what you're saying. You're dating a fucking loser. You're dating a future subject on cops, it seems. You know, the way you describe him, is he shirtless too? This guy's a fucking loser. He makes 300 bucks a week. I'm not judging that aspect of it, but he spends 75% of it on weed, cigarettes, and gas.

You know, right now I'm picturing that guy that Matthew McConaughey played in Dazed and Confused, just hanging around the high school like, where are the parties at, man? You know, with his cool car. Yeah, you got to get out of the relationship, you know, and there's nothing wrong as a female if, you know, I'm not saying that you go out and just be a fucking gold digger,

but you want your man to be able to provide. That's what the fuck we do. We provide. We don't provide. We're useless. We don't have a womb, right? No, seriously, we're fucking useless. So I, uh, I get it.

Yeah, you got, you got to break up with this guy. You mean, how many times can you look already? It seems like you're approaching this guy on eggshells. You know, he'd be really nice with you. You know, if you just stop being a fucking loser, you're not even saying that you're being a nice person. So if I had to give you any advice, I would say you need to get out of that relationship

and considering you've been in it since you're 14, I think you might be a little codependent. And I think you need to break up with this guy, figure out who the fuck you are, which will involve you staying single for a significant period of time. And, uh, and just know that, you know, breakups are painful. Just prepare yourself for that.

So you don't go running back to this fucking loser. And waste another five years of your fucking life because you don't want to go through six weeks of pain. Just, you know, as they said in platoon, take the pain. All right, just get out of the fucking relationship and just, just tell yourself, this is going to suck for six weeks. I'm going to wake up crying.

I'm going to feel lost. I'm going to be wondering what did I used to do with all my free time before I was with this person? You're going to have that bizarre feeling where now you're looking back on somebody who was a huge part of your life and now they're becoming a stranger. So then it just becomes this weird episode.

Like, what was that? Who was that? What the, was that my life that just went into that fucking room for five years? It's really, but just prepare yourself that that's going to happen. But every day it gets a little bit fucking easier. And then one day you're going to wake up.

You're not going to give a shit. The sun's going to be shining. And then just enjoy being single. You're only fucking 19 years old. There's no fucking reason to be in a relationship that serious for that fucking long with the fucking loser. So get out of it, get through the pain, and then after six weeks, you know,

just hang out with your friends. Have a good fucking time, but do not get into another relationship. I wouldn't get into another relationship for like a year. Just be single for at least a fucking year and feel like you're going to get through it. And feel how awesome that is to just be single, to wake up, you know, feel good about yourself,

but then not have to worry that someone else is a douche. So that drags down, you're feeling good about yourself quotient and just fucking be single. All right, there you go. I said the same thing 90 times in a fucking role. I realize it. And what do we got?

A little over an hour here on the podcast. So good luck to you. All right, Bill, my girlfriend is 10 years older than me. Oh, Jesus. She has two kids. Oh, Jesus. And has been married and divorced twice. Dude, what the fuck?

I'm 26. Jesus Christ. College graduate. Has any of this made any sense to any of you? Would anybody else be out there? 26 college fucking graduate. Have a girlfriend 10 years older than you with two kids who's been married and divorced twice.

Good God, man. He goes, I consider myself somewhat intelligent. I'm sure you are, but not in this area. By that, I mean, you should have no problem understanding this email. Well, yeah, I know. Everybody trashes me. I know, I know. I'm the worst when it comes to reading this shit.

So anyways, here we go. He says, four weeks ago, I found text messages to some dude on my girlfriend's phone that although innocent enough made it clear that whoever she was texting was on more familiar grounds than just some work colleague or a friend. Jesus Christ, dude. Is there going to be a happy ending here?

I confronted her about it. And it predictably led to a lot of finger pointing. We went back and forth and for a few days and aired out our grievances, but it seemed agreeable. Now he makes, I guess, point number two, two more weeks passed by and lo and behold, I find more text messages from the same fucking guy. At first I tell myself, okay,

maybe she can't break things off with this dude so quickly. Jesus Christ, dude. You know, sometimes liberal thought is a great thing. Like let's have a fair fucking trial for somebody before we hang them from the nearest tree. But then this time it's fucking stupid. This is just liberal thought to the, I mean, how much of a benefit of the doubt

can you give somebody, you know? So he goes, so I confront her about it. And this leads to another round of finger pointing at which point she tells me to pack my shit and leave. Well, dude, I'm going to tell you right now, before I read the rest of it, that's fucking great. You didn't have to do any dirty work. You're out. You're fucking out.

So anyways, he goes, we're separated for a week when she asked me to come back and move in. Dude, this chick is a fucking psycho. Here we go. We talk about our future together. How sorry she is to have done that to me, et cetera, et cetera. For fuck's sakes, we're even talking about getting married when things finally fucking evened out.

I was full of piss and vinegar and felt vindicated that I was the one wronged in the whole situation. And she was actually making good by taking responsibility for what she had done. Dude, taking responsibility would have been fucking after. Dude, the second you see those weird texts, just get, I'm telling you right now, just get out of the relationship.

There isn't, oh, sorry. Sorry about that. No, that's it. It's over. It's fucking over. But whatever, you're 26. I guess you still haven't learned. I was dumb in my 20s. So here we go.

Let's read the rest of this. Always well and good until she didn't come home. This Thursday night, November 11th, she came in Friday morning with no explanation, no apology, no nothing. She asked me to give her some more time, but I decided to cut bait and just get the fuck out of the situation.

Hang on a second, everybody. Sorry, had to give him a little applause break there. Of course. Now I'm racked with guilt of leaving the woman I loved and lived with for the past five fucking years. You got with her when you were 21, dude. She was 31. Wait, let's do the math.

She was 31, you were 21. She was already married twice. All right, this chick's a psycho. And you know what that means? She's fucking great in bed. You were 21. She fucking devastated you with fucking her pussy, right? Best blow job you ever had.

Isn't that what happened? And next thing you know, you were too fucking, too young and dumb. You fell for her. Jesus Christ. You stayed there for five fucking years. So anyway, I guess this chick's still calling him, telling him she still wants to get back together.

I feel like every time I sack up and do what I think is best for me, she wants me back. And every time what I do, what's best for us as a couple, she uses that as an opportunity to fuck with me all over again. Yes, yes, you're absolutely right. Listen to your gut. This guy, see, he knows the fucking answers. He's listening to his gut.

Good fuck. Is it just that chicks can't handle a guy that is emotionally invested? Or do I just happen to be dealing with one of those sociopaths that doesn't give a fuck? What she does so long as it suits her in the moment? Yes, there's plenty of fucking good women. Oh, there's not plenty of good women.

There's good women out there, all right? Just like a good man's hard to find. Finding a good woman is also difficult, all right? But no, you happen to be dealing with an absolute fucking good woman. You're not a good woman. But no, you happen to be dealing with an absolute fucking sociopath, all right?

She had a fucked up childhood. Something happened to her. She either got touched or fucking dad took off. I don't know. Or she just got the fucking, she got one of those bad brains. You know, I'm going to tell you guys my theory on that. The A brain, the B brain, and the C brain. The A brain is the genius.

The B brain is the, dude, he's a good fucking shit. You know, fit C. And then the C brain is you're a fucking mouth-breathing moron, all right? And when it comes to being a sociopath, that's like just, that's just like getting an option on the car. All brains come with that option. It's all available, like satellite radio. You know, you get satellite radio and a fucking Bentley.

You can also get it in my fucking Prius, all right? So, did that make any fucking sense? You got a sociopath with the fucking, she could even have the A brain. That's the sad thing about having a fucked up childhood. She could actually be a fucking genius, but she's got that sociopath shit. So, tell her to go call fucking Dr. Drew, all right?

And you get the fuck out of the relationship. So anyways, he'd say, I'd imagine you'd agree that I did the right thing, but it always helps to get a little bit of better perspective on it. Dude, I totally understand. You've been in a five-year relationship. You're emotionally invested in this shit. So, you know what the right thing to do is, but your emotions keep fucking with you, all right?

So, what you got to know is, just look, going through a breakup is painful, all right? It's not going to not be painful, but just because it's painful doesn't mean that it's not the right thing to do. You are 100 fucking percent doing the right fucking thing. You're 26 years old. You're in the prime of your fucking life, all right?

Get out of that situation. Okay? She's 10 years older than you. By the time you're 29, she's going to be hitting fucking menopause, all right? Or something like that, whatever, sliding into it. I have no fucking idea what she's going to be doing. She's going to be wearing those mom jeans at that point. If she's not already, which I don't think she is. She's probably that fucking, you know, that, uh, that anorexic cougar look,

you know, where they got a varicose vein in between their fucking, you can see their breastplate. Uh, Jesus Christ, Bill, stay on topic. Yeah. So dude, just get out of that. Hang out with your fucking fellas, you know, hang all your buddies, go out and fucking have some beers, join a gym, get fucking shredded, go out and start talking shit when you're ready. But don't go back to that, man.

You dodged a fucking bullet. The fact that you were with her for five years and you didn't knock her up and you got out of it, and even after five years, you're only 26 years old, you made the best fucking move you're going to make. All right. And now this is what you need to do. You've been in a relationship for five years.

You need to be single for at least a fucking year and a half. And I don't mean just be single and fucking booze. Figure out what the fuck you're looking for. All right. And when you meet a girl, if she doesn't have it, just walk a banger and leave. You know, there's nothing wrong with having a good fucking time, but do not get sucked into another fucking relationship.

Because you're going to have to go through this shit again. You know, we just sit there and you know it's fucking wrong, but you don't want to go through the fucking pain of it. And you keep coming back. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. Good for you, sir. I'm fucking proud of you.

You did the right thing. You're sort of fucking wavering because you're going through the emotions. You're only 26. You got with her when you were 21. It's probably your first major fucking breakup. So it's acceptable that you fucked up and went back that second time, but do not go back again. And if any of your fucking friends are listening to this,

don't let them do that shit, all right? Time to a fucking bar stool and start throwing drinks down his throat. Two Yankee pitchers in 1973. I never heard of this. Traded their wives and kids. They just switched off families. And this is the story according to the Daily News, 1973. Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

March, March, March 5th. Yankee pitcher. They go by their last names here because I guess, you know, people know who the fuck they were. Keckich, K-E-K-I-C-H, and Marilyn disclosed today that they had exchanged families several months ago. Peterson moving in with Susan Kekrich and her two daughters, and Kekrich moving in with Marilyn Peterson and her two sons.

The pitchers in separate talks said they decided to reveal the arrangement because too many people knew about it. Evidently everybody in baseball. I mean, you can't really keep a story like that quiet. I guess all around the fucking spring training, everybody was talking about this shit, so they finally just went public with it. So they thought it was time to clear the air.

And the 31-year-old Peterson confided that they hoped that you won't make anything sorted out of this. According to Kekich, I'm sure I'm saying that wrong. Unless people know the full details, it could turn out to be a nasty type thing. Don't say this was wife swapping because it wasn't. We didn't swap wives, we swapped lives. Ah, Jesus Christ.

Look at this guy fucking sprinkling a bunch of sugar over it. I guess technically he is right. Dude, how fucked up are their children? Kekich, your dad just taps out. Yeah, I'm out of here. I don't want to be with your mom anymore. And you know my best buddy who's always over here drinking beers? Yeah, he's going to be your dad now.

He's going to be banging your mom. When you hear that moaning, just know that's not me doing that work, all right kids? And I'm out of here. And I'm going to go fuck his wife and go raise his children. Okay, how does that sit with you? Jesus Christ. You want to talk about,

if they had daughters, you want to talk about the easiest chicks to lose your fucking virginity to, then there you go right there. There they are. Line them up, fellas. All right, New Jersey, where the four have resided for four years,

requires simply that the parties prove separation for a year in order to file for divorce. It's a no fault rule, meaning no grounds are required. You know what's amazing about this fucking story is how like that you could actually keep something like this quiet for a couple of months. Because if you ever try to do any bullshit like this today,

I mean, Jesus Christ, three different 24 hours sports networks and ESPN alone, the versus network. I mean, then you get TMZ would jump, that would just TMZ late night talk shows. They got like 58 of them now. Oh my God, it would be over. Manager Ralph Hauke said it was a situation

that he could live with, that it would not rip apart his team, and that it still had its best chance of winning a pennant since 1964. I always liked Ralph Hauke. He fucking kept it positive. And just for the record, they went 80 and 82, two games of under 500.

Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you top that obscure staff? That's plow ahead. Oh, by the way, I've really pissed off a lot of podcasts evidently on my podcast. They think that I am against smoking weed, and then I'm trashing that whole fucking lifestyle.

Why don't you guys go take another hit off your fucking blunt and fucking relax? All right. Just because I trash that guy who was a pot smoker, I wasn't saying that weed was a bad thing. All right. At this point with those vaporizers that they have, it's probably fucking 10 times healthier

than sitting around drinking a six pack. I don't have a fucking problem. I wasn't talking about smoking weed. I was making fun of a loser. I was telling that woman that she was dating a fucking loser. All right. As a man, your job is to go out and fucking provide. And when somebody breaks into your house,

not to shit yourself and to grab the nearest blunt object and fucking go brave hard on them, that's what you're supposed to do. Me, I would shit myself, lock myself in the bathroom, and call 911, of course. But I can provide. God damn it. That's what I got a fucking pit bull for.

Speaking of that, I watched No Country for Old Men Again. What a fucking awesome movie that is. That is just an absolutely phenomenal fucking movie. It actually made me sad that we were in final descent. That's how good that goddamn movie is. But anyway, so just know that, Potheads. I'm not making fun. You know, if I make fun of some guy who's a booze bag,

booze bag fucking losers sitting around drinking beer all day on the couch. That doesn't mean that I don't think that anybody should drink. All right. So fucking relax. Jesus Christ, I thought you got mellow when you smoked weed. Anyways, let's plow ahead. Hey, Potheads, can you guys basically just admit

that you want weed to be free just so you can just sit around smoking it and not have to worry about anybody hassling you? You know, to use a classic hippie word. Why can't you just admit that and stop telling me about, you know, how the fucking Declaration of Independence was written on hemp and all these, you know. I mean, Jesus Christ, you can make a potted plant

out of a 40 and empty 40 ounce. I'm not going to sit there and act like I don't wish that I want to drink in public, right? Dude, my brain shut down seven minutes ago. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. I need to start reading again. I go, I go, I go I go, I go, I go

Go, go, go