Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-8-19

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

Bill rambles about pizza in Brooklyn, baseball, and losing friends.

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How are you? How is your week going? Huh? Are you where you want to be in life? Do you know I keep seeing people saying the summer is almost over. It is not almost over. The fucking summer ends. I would keep having a look. It ends on like September 21st. It's not almost over. You have a fucking long time. Last day of summer. Here we go. It's the 22nd of the 21st day of summer. Monday, September 23rd. Michael Jordan, 23. Tell all those people to stop. Stop fucking harshing the mellow, man.

Just because football starts just because the kids go back to school. Are you a professional football player? Are you still in school? That fucking summer is still going then. Don't you dare put your boat away. Hey, hey, hey. You don't fucking put the grill away. Who puts a grill away? Whatever the fuck you do with your grill. All right. I want all of you guys right now to wipe that sad look off your face like the fucking summer is almost over. It isn't. You got over a month left. Look at you all fucking packing up your bathing suits, going to stick them up in the attic. You're out of your fucking minds. And I've been saying with global warming. I mean, it's going to go to like October 11th.

Wow, nanny. It's 72 degrees out in fucking Michigan. October 10th. The fuck was I thinking? The summer was over. I'm telling you right now, enjoy the extended summer. That's going to be the next way they try to like not scare you because it went from global warming to climate change. Literally doing the George Carlin bit, you know, shell shocked to whatever the fuck they turned it into. Battle fatigue. You know, that great bit he did. They're always fucking doing that. And what fucking pisses me off is you know they're doing that. And then all you enough of you can start walking around saying climate change. Oh, that feels better.

Enjoy. What just happened? Was that you just not? Hi, sweetheart. Come here. Speaking of climate change, I'm going to stop my cursing because cutie pie just came. Do you mind my daughter called me by my first name the other day? I thought it was the cutest thing ever. She said, Bill. She looked at me and said, you're Bill. Yeah, you figured it out.

I'm bringing her in here to say bye-bye. Why? Well, because I don't know how long you're going to be doing this and where you going? Well, I have to go work out. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Come here. Bye-bye, love. That's it.

Can I get a kiss? All right, cutie pie. All right, cutie pie. I only got two more days. Two more days in the movie than I hang with you for the rest of the year, buddy. So get used to this face. Geez, Nene. Nene's been hitting the gym. Anyway, what the hell was I talking about?

I'm just saying, there's plenty of time left. Have a good fucking time. Enjoy yourselves. So is somebody trying to fucking ruin it for you? Can you believe it's already August? Okay, believe it. Sorry. I can't fucking believe you're still in my life. Can you stop walking by my cubicle and just saying negative things? Anyway, speaking of positive shit, there's still a few tickets are still available for October 10th at the Thomas Wolf Hot Auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I'm going to be, I don't know why I just started singing Shana enough. The ending song, remember that? Good night, sweetheart. Well, it's time to go. October 10th, I'm also there the 11th. That day's sold out. So I'm going to do two shows in Asheville, North Carolina. And then I'm going to the Clemson, Florida State game the next day. I cannot wait for that.

All right. So there you can see what the, you plan fun shit in the future. And then the summer will officially be over, but I'm not sad. All right. I get to go watch a football game. There you go. So as I just mentioned to my lovely, gorgeous, beautiful daughter, I got two days left today and tomorrow. I could not have had a better fucking time working on this thing. Thank you to Pete Davidson and Judd Apatow for getting me in this.

You know, I should have known it was going to be this good a time. I already worked for Judd, sort of, I did when I did crashing. Judd wasn't there that week, but still, you know, it was a Judd show. But I had a great time, worked with all these amazing actors and now it's almost over. And all I have is stand up in my podcast for the rest of the year, which is how Freckles likes it. Got a couple of gigs. So I'm going to have a good time. I'm going to put together my new hour, my new special is going to be coming out sometime in September.

And that'll be it. And I'm just going to enjoy the rest of the year hanging out with my family. That's what I'm doing. That's what the fuck I'm doing. So with that, oh, look at your New York Yankees, winner of 27 World Series, two weekends ago, dropping three of four to the Boston Red Sox and all the New York sports media. Oh my God, what's going to happen? Are they going to catch us?

And what did this pasty fucking pottery looking jerk off say to you guy, I told you all the fucking relax, even if they drop four in a row, they're only going to be fucking up by nine. You're fine. You're fine. And what happened? The Yankees came in into Boston, right? I believe it was in Boston. I think it was in New York.

I don't know. I've been so fucking busy. They took out the broom and they swept us under the fucking rug. Now they're up by like 14 and a half fucking games. And now the sports writers, somebody only steps up. It's like, you were the same cunt flipping out a week ago. Where is the I was wrong? That's all they're doing.

All they do is they just look at the fucking how many games you're up, how many games you're down, and they just spoon feed you what any fucking person the first day of being a sports fan could say. And what they're not saying is that, you know, the 800 pound gorilla in the room is the fucking Houston Astros. That's who they have to get by. Not us. Even if we make the wild card, I don't know. We just don't seem to be able to put it together this year. And I can say that because I've watched like two games.

Houston Astros. I remember last year when we played them and they had already won it. They did not have that vibe like they already won it. They were still a really hungry team. They wanted to go back to back and they're very hard to get past. And I think the fact that we beat them, it's still pissing them off. And I, I don't know what little baseball that I've watched. I'm basically I'm basing in on all the baseball I watched last year.

I know teams have changed, but I've glanced a few times at their record. And I don't know. That's who I would be worried about. I would not be worried about us. And I say us because even though I don't play for the team, I still get all the shit if they lose. Yeah. Evidently it is a part of me. So everybody fucking relax.

Mock Mock has won another fucking race. He's running away with this thing. I think this one was in the Czech Republic. I have it on my computer. I'm going to sit down and try and watch that today. I apologize to a few race fans I have left on this podcast. I just got so goddamn busy. I have to keep watching these races long after you know who won them.

But I am a MotoGP fan for life, you know, until they're self-driving motorcycles. They put fucking robots on them. Then I don't give a shit. But it is the best racing there is. And I don't there's nothing close to it. And if there is, I want to know what it is. Speaking of which, speaking of which, this is an early, early teaser to next year. Next year I'm going to have my most fun year on the road as far as doing dates and scheduling it around fun shit.

And there's a certain motorcycle race. May or may not be the most dangerous race in the fucking world. And I may or may not have a gig in and around that island. All right, there's enough fucking clues for you. Trying to put that together. Oh, Jesus, the cop is chasing somebody there. Oh, guess what came? Guess what came?

I got these little fucking cigars that I wanted to get a box of. But I ordered the wrong fucking thing. I only got the five. Is the little cigar review here. These are the La Aurora 107 zeppelins. They're these little fat fucking cigars. These little fat fucking cigars. And they're so adorable.

I was like, I got to try them. So anyway, they arrived to my apartment here in New York. And I went downstairs and I was on my way to go work on the movie. And the doorman goes, hey, he goes, you had a package arrive. And I said, great. Okay, so I told my lovely wife, you know, hey, I got a package come down and get him. And I forgot to tell her that they were cigars. So the guy downstairs, he saw him.

It was a cigar box, but they put him in like a plastic bag. Like you get it like a 7-Eleven. So she goes down there to pick him up. And Nanny looking good. They go down there. Look at her drinking a smoothie. She's on point. Huh?

Feeling good about yourself? Walking around looking good. Who is he? Who are you talking to? All my insecurities come out. Anyway, she goes down there and she picks him up and she's like, what are they? I forgot to say what they were in the door guy goes, I don't know. Looks like he should stick it in the fridge, whatever it is.

She put him in the refrigerator. Oh, you hate to see it. Oh, you hate to see it. Yes, you do. So I took him out and I let him breathe for a few days and I smoked one last night. And God damn it, they were delicious. So there's my cigar recommendation. I would like recommendations from you guys, non-cuban cigars.

All right, because most of them are fake, you know, and if you don't believe they are, just bring your box of fucking Cuban cigars over to Bobby Kelly's shed and he'll take out his fucking producer Hollywood glasses and he'll look at you and you'll see it. You'll see it right before he says it. You see the bad news coming. Yeah, these are fake. These are not real. I smoked one last night and I loved it.

Delicious. Delicious. Delicious. I'm a big fan of all the loud roars. I like the sapphire, the emerald, the ruby. All right, plowing ahead here. So yesterday, okay, so I had my last day where I had to have my fucking shirt off in the movie. All right.

So by the way, instead of wearing 3D glasses to this movie, you should wear some sort of fucking Ray-Ban. So when I take my shirt off, hey, they're pasting. So we were out in fucking Brooklyn and I called up my buddy Yanis Papas and I said, all right, I'm going to get some fucking pizza for lunch. Where should I go? He told me his spot. God damn it. It was delicious. Fucking delicious.

And that's one thing that I've gotten out of this whole fucking, I know, where is it, Bill? Where is it? I don't want to fucking do this. You know, I went down to go get pizza. There was a bunch of people who listened to my podcast standing in front of me. It's called cutting off your nose despite your own face. It's really nice. It was L&B.

L&B Spamoni Gardens or something like that. And we went down there. I got a grandmother's slice, square slice, Sicilian slice, whatever you call it. It was fucking unbelievable. I wolfed down fucking three of them. And it's so light. The dough is so fucking light. I didn't even feel bad afterwards.

I felt satisfied. If I ate three square slices of anything else, I would fucking face plant. Absolutely delicious. Everything was perfect. The dough, perfect. The sauce with that little bit of, you know, that zing to it, incredible. The cheese complimenting the sauce. The whole fucking thing was just 10 out of 10.

Not to step on El Perez's nose here. I'm not going to start reviewing pizza, but Jesus Christ. Has he ever gone there? So anyway, and then when I got back to set, they had a food truck, because it's the last week, so they're spoiling us. They had a food truck come by and the guy was making ice cream sandwiches. And the sandwich, the bread part was two chocolate chip cookies. And I ate one of those.

And one of the people on the film, I didn't know, was filming me with his cell phone as I ate it. And I could not have looked like more of a creep with my giant mustache standing under like this little tent while it was raining out, eating a fucking ice cream sandwich. Enjoying every second of it. I haven't had ice cream in forever, right? Oh, that's not true. I've had it sporadically. So, and then after that, I immediately felt like a fat fuck.

And I had not eaten it, but that was like around like four o'clock in the afternoon. I didn't eat anything until this morning, so I don't think it was that bad. But I felt the need to indulge on another reason because right around then, it was probably just had ended, was they had the funeral of David Kimowitz, who was the owner of the stand here in New York City. And one of the truly great people I've ever met in my life. I'm going to not talk about it too much because it's going to be too painful and emotional to talk about it, but we really lost a giant, man.

We really did. And it's kind of funny to say that because he was five foot nothing. And I used to always tell him he was like a little koala bear. It's gentle, really, you know, rosy cheek, just absolute. Every time I think of him, I picture him smiling and just the way that he loved comedy. He's going to be a just impossible to replace. And people like that are really important in comedy when they hold a position of power to have a passion for comedy the way that he did. And, you know, he let people grow and try stuff and all of that.

And if you go to his comedy club, him and Chris Italian, like, I don't know. It's just like they just, if you look at it, it's like a, you know, who makes a five star restaurant and comedy club? I mean, those guys do just their passion. I want to thank everybody down there all throughout the years. You know what all those guys did down there? Every time we've had the Patrice O'Neill benefit, they, they volunteered the first year saying we want to have the after party there. And I was like, all right, what's it going to cost? They go, dude, come on, nothing, nothing, nothing.

The first year was nothing. And the second year I offered to pay again every year they would not let us pay. They would just, and they've just the greatest guys ever. And it was funny last year, you know, they lost the lease or something at the other one or some bullshit was happening. So then they built the new stand, which blows away the old one. And they were in between, you know, the old one and the new one. So there was no place for the after party. The after party got all fucked up and they felt horrible about it.

And we were just starting to talk to them about, you know, the after party for this year's Patrice O'Neill benefit. And I will tell you, like I've been sad losing friends, but never quite like this. So, all right, let's plow through. Let's plow through here. So what do we got here? What have I got next? Let's do some reads. Where do you go from that?

I didn't know when to talk about him, but he definitely loved food the way he loved everything else. So yesterday was my tribute to him going out and eating too much pizza and too much ice cream because he also loved food. He loved everything. I cannot picture that guy not smiling. So fuck. He's a hilarious old guy. You're not allowed to have that emotion. How fucking funny is that?

Now, Jesus, I never had to hit pause so many times in a fucking podcast. Keep hitting stop. I'm going to edit this fucking thing together like a wood film. All right, let's get into. All right, we need some comedy now. Let's listen to Bill read out loud. Policy genius. Paul, wait a minute.

Okay, policy genius. All right. These days, a lot of workplaces offer some pretty nice perks. Why do they say perks? I immediately thought, Perky, you know what? I'm like, you can't do that anymore. Those days are gone at the office and a snack station. Oh, boy, 15 flaters of soda water, even insurance.

But while it's nice to have a handful of trail mix and some water that tastes faintly of what? Pample mousse. Hope I said that right. That's not enough to subsist on. And neither is your workplace life insurance. There is Jesus Christ. What a world we live in. It's like you're operating heavy machinery, right?

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They can also help you find the right home insurance, auto insurance, and disability insurance. So remember, workplace life insurance policies are like workplace snacks, better than nothing, but not quite enough. Head to policygenius.com today and find out how to supplement your workplace life insurance and better protect your family. Policy genius, it's like a buffet made of life insurance. And what could be more delicious than that? Yeah, for the love of God, have your affairs in order, guys. For the love of fucking Christ, have your affairs in order so, you know, they don't have, you know, family doesn't have to go live in a fucking shoe. Legal zoom, everybody.

We're in the right, we're right in the middle of summer. Finally, somebody gets it. And the last thing, hey, Nia, what's the last day of summer? I don't know. Come on, take a guess. You're going to be happy with the answer. The answer might surprise you. August 12th.

August 12th. Nia Renee Hill thinks the last day of summer is this Saturday. Wow, did I marry a dummy? That is a Saturday. Come here, dumb, dumb. I now see why God made you so beautiful and cute. You don't know. Goodness.

It's not August 12th. What is it? September. Give me another guess. September, whoa, going big. You like that person on the price is right. Brand new refrigerator, like $50,000. No.

It would be horrible on prices right. Give me another guess. You think as much as I shop, I would know. I don't know the price of anything. I'm terrible. Summer. Yes, summer, Nia. Look, you're trying to buy time.

You look like somebody in the first 48 that just realized they're going to go to jail for the rest of their life. You're trying to... What happened? It wasn't me. Summer? August. August. 25th.

I asked you what the last day of August was. You said August 25th. Show me August 25th. September. What is the last day of September? September 23rd. Oh, well, I started to say September. You sliced me out.

Nia. You were like, whoa, go to the other direction. You tricked me. Nia, as much as I tricked you, as much as I tricked you, I asked you what was the last day of fucking summer. Without tricking you, you said August 12th. I'm actually now scared to leave our child alone with you. Then I went to September and you went, whoa, and it freaks me out. Hey, just out of curiosity, what season comes after summer?

Nia? Fall. Okay. You've done enough thinking for one day, cutie pie. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay. Wait, can I ask you a question?

Yes. Is this Saturday? Not on the podcast. Oh, okay. I just want to know if you have any questions. Okay. I think you need to go sit down and let your brain cool off. Well, I need an answer.

You ever see a drag racer, how they have the little gas tank in the front? They have just as much gas to get to the end of the quarter mile? I've seen RuPaul's drag race. Oh, that's not what you're talking about. No. We just exist in two of them. Do I need an answer, though, soon? Thank you.

Well, get out of here now. And I can answer your, I'd love to answer your question soon. All right. Legal Zoom. We're right in the middle of summer. And the last thing you need to be thinking about is what's finally completing your last will or living trust. Jesus, this is all about death this week.

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That's code BRR for special savings only at LegalZoom.com where life meets legal. Good Lord. That was very challenging for me. I'm waiting for somebody to advertise on how to read better out loud. It's got to be an app for that. All right. Bills in circulation. We actually, because I didn't do a Monday morning podcast because absolutely nothing

was funny to me on Monday after that weekend in the news that, you know, I might get back into that. All right. So I'm going to read some of this shit here. All right. Bills in circulation. Dear Billy Dollar Bill. Read an article this week that said the $100 bill is now circulated more than the $1 bill.

I imagine people will start to hate $1 bills because they can't buy anything. The same way people have hated pennies since the late 1980s. Inflation is a hell of a drug. There's no fucking way the $100 bill is now circulated more than the dollar bill. And what circles? You know, every time you pull out a hundred, they still look at you like, yeah, Jesus Christ, they got to hold it up to the light. Nia, have you, do you find, you know, people whipping out $100 bills?

Are you walking around going in and buying a little fucking Coca-Cola and pulling out a hundred? I am not. Yeah, I'm not either. I don't think so. I don't know about that one. What happened to the 50? Ulysses S. Grand, everybody going to Ben Franklin.

I mean, are people dealing drugs? You know what it is? It's because everybody's growing fucking weed. That's why there's more $100 bills out there, I think. What do you mean? Haven't you ever watched any old Miami vices or any of those movies about drugs? They always have a big briefcase full of hundreds. I swear to God, I just forget how old you are sometime.

It's because everybody's growing weed, man. That's why they got $100 bills. Like, what are you talking about? I'm talking about the crop that's going to save this country. You just referenced Miami Vice. It's like... Classic show, yes. What next?

You're going to tell us more about how Times Square used to be. That's a callback. What are you talking about? People still listen to Beethoven. Miami Vice is from 1980. You're going to compare Beethoven to Miami Vice? Name three Beethoven songs. Name them.

I don't know them. I don't even know them. Thank you for playing. We'll see you next Monday. Can you name any? The 17th, 18th, 18th overture. Movement number four. That guy was taking his shit while he was writing music there.

Sorry. I'm just saying, nobody ever shouted out the names of his song. Like, free bird, man! Hang on a second. Let's find out the name of some Beethoven songs. Beethoven songs. Bach says songs. All right.

What are they? You're just sitting in the crowd with your lighter out. Back then, you had a candelabra in there. You'd light a candelabra when you had the slow thing. You'd be like, hey, man, play piano concerto number five, man. Concerto. Oh, concerto. She goes, concerto.

Hey, man. Play piano concerto number five, man. Playing air piano. Isn't that crazy back then? People who played keyboards got all the pussy back in the fucking 1800s. A little bit van Beethoven, right? You think he kept his powdered wig on when he would fucking bend him over his fucking piano? He probably has a thing.

He probably had 88 bitches for every fucking after every show he did. You know, 44 white, 44 black, and he'd fucking every other, every other. And he'd just go down. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. The whole way down. Oh, Bill, what are you doing? This is one of the great fucking artists in the world. All right.

U.S. debt visualized. Bill, I work for the WSI, WSJ. Am I supposed to know what that is? The WSJ. That sounds like a fucking woman's basketball leak. Oh, the Wall Street Journal. Okay. Get the fuck out of here.

Somebody who works for the Wall Street Journal is listening to this. All right. And saw this article. P.S. I'm not an editor. All right. Since you're always talking about the U.S. debt and the ramifications it will have in the future, I thought you'd appreciate this. I don't want to read this.

He said, I know you were in San Francisco last year, but it'd be great to have you back soon. Enjoy the article, you redheaded fuck. Go Yankees. All right. Let's see here. Go to this page. Do I really want to read this?

The national debt visualized. Oh, I love when they do this. Oh, I got a subscriber sign in. I can't do this. I'm not doing that. I like when they do that. Like when they try to bring it down to your level. You know, like this is like, if you ever had,

this is like when you have a Pop-Tart for breakfast or a Cinnabon. They always like just dumb the whole thing down. You ever had Jock Itch? Just imagine if it itched 22 trillion times more than it does right now. Suspend suspended for microaggression. Oh, brother. All right. Oh, this is an email that I actually read and that Andrew sent to me.

All right. Hey, Billy. Hey, big freckle Billy. I wanted to say, yeah, I want you over here for this one. That I was at your show at the Bergen pack with my lady and you crushed it. It was amazing. Oh, thank you. The only reason I was able to make it.

How do you make all that noise when you blow your nose? That cute little fucking noise. Nose makes all that noise. Listen to that. You sound like when you blow your nose, you sound like a fat lady fart and wearing spandex. I have allergies. I have allergies. Make it a safe space for me in my medicine.

The only reason I was able to make it to the show was because I got suspended from my semi pro baseball league after arguing with an umpire because he made the wrong call. Is there anything cooler than a semi pro baseball player? Oh, fucking funny of those guys. He goes, anyways, I was doing my thing. The umpire missed a missed a call in left field that our left field are clearly caught. Jesus Christ. He missed a catch. It was a quite a catch to which he blatantly missed the stands of a girlfriend's parents and other fools who showed up.

To this were like it was a clear catch. Jesus Christ, dude, you're also semi pro with the fucking punctuation. It was clearly a catch to which he blatantly missed the stands of the girls. Oh, this is a voice text. Maybe the friends of the girlfriend's parents and other fools who showed up. He's saying fools. So I'm guessing he's Latino. This kid's going to make it.

Latino is always making it. Like 90% of the league is Latino, right? Who showed up to this were like it was a clear catch. Like clockwork. Our manager got tossed and I chirped from the dugout saying you're terrible and go home, you old man, to which I got tossed. No, he says not profanities. No profanities were said in his direction yet. Not taking this lightly.

I ran out of the dugout and whipped up the word salad of fuck you. You dumb old fuck, stop wearing your wife's cunt for a hat. Well, there you go. To make matters more interesting, I chucked three bats in the left field nowhere near the umpires or my players. Classy, I know. No, I liked it. I liked that. You're throwing the bats where he missed the fucking call.

I'm seeing a whole arc to this story. I'm enjoying this. He goes, I got suspended three to five games Billy for I quote excessive micro aggression and threatening of harm throwing bats. Mind you, I threw bats in the left field, not in anyone. All right, the aggressive micro aggression is bullshit, but you're throwing bats. You don't know where the fuck that's going to go. What's the matter? Nothing.

I'm just coming to say goodbye. Okay. Does my three to five game suspension makes sense? Or should I complain to the league with a team full of witnesses that witnessed the umpire was wrong and I got ejected because he was butthurt? Or do I take my bat throwing self and shut the fuck up? I would take yourself and shut the fuck up. The only thing that's bad and all that is aggressive micro aggression. The problem is, is if you just threw the bats and you said you're old, hanging up, you know, but if you go there, they're going to,

they're going to repeat. Fuck you. You dumb old fuck. Stop wearing your wife's cunt for a hat. I mean, that's going to get said. And then you're going to get a rep. What you should do is just take your suspension, keep your mouth shut, and then they'll forget about you because somebody else is going to throw bats. You just don't want to like reinforce it and then they know you by name and all that.

Sorry that happened to you. All right. Hang on a second. I love you. All right. Love you too. I'll see you later. All right.

What to do with 170 grand over there? Hey, Billy Boo's bag. I need some advice. Now, one of those hundred hundred dollar bills all over the place. This guy's fucking 26 years old. I need some advice. 26 year old received a huge inheritance and I have no idea what to do. All right.

First thing, don't ask a fucking comedian podcaster. Okay. Number one, don't fucking tell anybody. Number two, don't fucking tell anybody. And number three, I don't know who in your life you're reaching out to me. Don't buy a car. Buy a fucking house. Buy a rental fucking property and rent.

The smartest fucking thing you could do is something like that. Buy something that's going to make you money, which is an asset. Don't buy a liability like Air Jordans, a fucking track suit and a brand new goddamn Corvette or something. I flunked out of college twice and left the third time due to boredom. I wasn't applying myself. Jesus Christ. But I don't know. Maybe you should have changed your major.

But I don't know how to find that spark that really brings people. What are you? Hit pause. Hit pause. Hit pause. Hit pause. Hit pause. All right.

All right. I don't know how to do that. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. All right. Guess what?

I didn't realize the car was here. They said they were supposed to fucking call me at 10.15 to bring me over. Now they're saying the car is here. I got to go to... I have to go to set. Let's do a quick underrated, overrated. I'm leaving this kid hanging. What to do with 170 grand?

My question is, oh, at what point did you hit Define Convo... You want to be a comedian? Fuck. Well, go be a fucking comedian. And don't blow your... Sorry, just burp. Don't blow all your fucking money. All right.

That's what the fuck I would do. I don't know. You got to get an accountant that you can fucking trust. All right. Overrated, underrated. Underrated. Telling the truth. Dude, I'm really sorry about that.

I'm going to... I'm going to... I'm going to bring all this shit with me and I'm going to answer this thing. Fuck it. I'm going to post it late because I have to answer. That's an important question. All right. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll see you in two seconds via editing. All right. All right. I'm back for the 19th attempt here at this podcast. All right. Let's get back to this kid here. He's got all this money. He's got a dream.

Let's see what happens. Did the volume go down? There we go. Bringing it back. Bringing it back. All right. Let's start over again. What to do with 170 grand?

Hey, Billy Boozebag. I need some advice. 25 years old. Receive a huge inheritance and I have no idea what to do. All right. As you remember from 30 seconds ago, but nine hours ago in my life, I flunked out of college twice and left a third time due to boredom. Parentheses wasn't applying myself, but I don't know how to find that spark that really

brings people to life and finding the drive to apply myself and what I want to do. Just having or getting money doesn't make you happy and I try to get out there and enjoy my hobbies. Paddle boarding, archery. Archery. Jesus. Guys are renaissance, man. Fitness, et cetera.

All right. See, you like being active. Sitting in the class, you're going out of your fucking mind. That makes sense. But anyways, that's not enough. I haven't blown any of this money. Good man. A good job in a scratch kitchen, but I have, I have a good job in a scratch kitchen, but

I have a bad relationship with family, which I'm trying to fix. Okay. I just got certified as a yoga instructor. This guy is like fucking, dude, I get you. Like you want to have a fun job. You want to enjoy life. You don't want to fucking. Yeah.

You were sitting in college because you felt yourself in the herd and they were all, the lead one was going to run over the fucking cliff into a cubicle. You didn't want that. So look at, you'll get everything you're doing. Paddle boarding, archery, fitness, yoga, trying to figure out how to be happy. Yeah. You want to turn your hobby into a living, your passion. Yeah.

All right. So I just got certified as a yoga instructor and working the daily grind, trying to bear a cross at work and work hard like Jordan Peterson talks about. I don't know what to do with my life or how the best to go about it. Gave up drinking. Good man. Smoke weed on the weekends. No girlfriend, no friends anymore since I gave up some vices.

All I did was party with them. Well, there you go. So get some better friends. I'm a good looking man, but my, but the self esteem isn't always there. Good days and bad days with it. My question is, what point did you, did you hit to find comedy? How did you apply yourself and who are, and who you are as a person to do what you love? When did you stop giving a fuck what you're supposed to do versus what you want to do?

All the best. Um, Jesus, this is, there's a lot, there's a lot of important life questions here. All right. First of all, um, you're already there because you're realized, you're actually a really strong person because even though you've tried to just get into a line of zombies, your inner strength won't allow you to do it. And that's why you keep sabotaging. You're a smart guy, but you keep flunking out of college.

You're bored. You weren't applying yourself. Just cause you didn't want it cause you didn't want what it was going to bring to you because you know, you actually know what's going to make you happy. So just listen to your gut and wherever happy is just go to that. It really is as simple as that and you'll, you'll figure it out. You know, uh, there's a drum instructor out there, Mike Johnston. He did a great, um, YouTube video on when he just decided he was going to, you know,

play drums for a living and it wasn't, he just didn't limit himself to I'm going to be in a band and if this, this band makes it, then my dream comes true. If it doesn't make it, then I'm fucked. He played in a couple of bands. He started giving lessons and then he started filming the lessons and then, you know, the band thing wasn't working out, but the lessons things was. And then he started, you know, getting a U, uh, a U2 online presence, whatever they, they call it.

And they say, you know, this fucking guy was on the cover of modern drummer, which is the drummer Bible. He's on the cover of the magazine, um, not for the band that he thought was going to make it or whatever. It turned out to be this other thing that he was doing, but because he didn't limit himself. Um, you're 26 years old. You don't have a girlfriend.

You don't have any kids. You got a fucking 170 grand. Dude, you got the world by the balls. All right. So what you got to do is like, I think a lot of like this, this bummed out overall feeling as long as it's not clinical that you're feeling is, um, trying to shed yourself of the air quote, what you're supposed to do. It's just not making you happy.

Um, hold on one second. Dom, I'm doing my, Dom, I'm doing my podcast. Let me call you back in 10 minutes. All right. Um, so, uh, that's what that's all about. Cause I can tell you, man, like when I started doing standup, the first night I did standup, I didn't even do well. It was just all about having the balls to go up there.

And I drove home that night in my piece of shit, 83 Ford Ranger listening to kickstart my heart by, by Motley crew. And I was just screaming, singing the song while I was so fucking excited that I, I, I tried this thing that in, you know, in my head was saying, you're never going to do it. You're never going to have the balls to do it. So I just, you know, gravitated to what I wanted to do. And um, I am, believe me, dude, I had a lot of misses and everything I wanted to do, I

just pictured myself being funny. I wanted to keep working in the warehouse cause that's where the funny guys were. I'll be a cop, but I'll be a funny cop. Hey, I'll joke around with you as I get a ticket, the quickest way to get yourself shot is a fucking cop, right? Hey, I'm going to be wacky. I wouldn't have been good at that. And um, I don't know, it's a weird thing, kind of like when you find the person you're

supposed to be with, it's just, it's easy and it just, you just sort of click. And um, I remember when I walked on stage and I was taking the mic out of the mic stand, I felt like I was having an out of body experience, like I was watching myself and I couldn't remember what I was going to say. I fucked the whole thing up, but I got, I got enough laughs that I didn't bomb. It was a mess. And then I bailed and I brought the host back and even make the five minutes. I think I did like three minutes and uh, I just remember walking off stage and I was

like, that's it. That's what I'm doing with the rest of my life. I don't know if I even thought that I just was like, yeah, that, that's whatever that fucking feeling is. That's the feeling I want to have when I'm at work. So um, you know, I don't get back to Dave, David Kimowitz, he found his passions and followed his passions in life and I'm talking about a guy that I knew for a long, long time and I, I, every image I have of that guy is smiling is cause he, everything that he loved,

he just went to. So just do that. And then as far as the money, you know, just start reading up on it on the internet. Just get yourself some sort of base knowledge of it. And um, I saved up some money before I came to New York when I was making that move. Um, I kept my day job and I just saved up. I paid off my student loans and I kept this fucking, that's another great thing about flunking out of college.

You don't know those pricks at that much money and I just saved up this nest egg of money and I fucking had like three pieces of furniture and a mattress to sleep on and I didn't give a fuck. You think if I had two pieces of furniture and a mattress laying in bed in the first night, a roach crawled across my bare chest and I was fucking working in some dead end job. I, I would have been happy. I, I, I wouldn't have been.

I would have, I would have, I would have started going down that road. I need to have nicer furniture. I need to live in a better place. Like this is what's going to make me fucking happy. You watch those fucking American greeds. That's what those fucking people are doing. What you're seeing is people who just followed the herd rather than their heart. And then they, I feel in a way, you know, I know some of them are sociopaths, but I think

there's some of them that just so not doing, and they're so disconnected to their soul that they, you know, I don't know, they don't seek out the right people and just get involved with all these fucking rich people. They just think having a $15,000 umbrella is going to bring them some sort of fucking happiness and it doesn't. So, and I don't know, that's, I don't know, I, I just, to be honest with you, sometimes when I think about how I got into comedy, it was just fucking dumb luck. And I feel unbelievably privileged that I get to live this life and to continue living

it, hopefully for as long as possible. But I'm telling you, just, I don't know, it seems to me just, I don't know you or anything, paddleboarding, archery, fitness, yoga, you are, I don't know, you seem like a physical, spiritual, outdoorsy kind of person who, a fun person, believe it or not, even though you're feeling depressed, like that's the direction you want to go in. So, go in that direction. If you're walking away from the corporate world, look what the fucking corporate world does, it gets us into wars, it pollutes the fucking water supply.

You realize that people, there's certain people out there with a diet where they, they'll just eat fish, but they have to, they have to watch their fish intake, how much they consume because the water's so polluted and the shit that gets into their system. And like, I mean, we're sitting here at war against terror and we're ignoring corporations that pollute the fucking water supply, everything that ISIS would love to do to us. So that's what you're walking away from, being a part of that. So congratulations, all right, you're 26 years old, you got 170 grand, you got the whole fucking, your whole life in front of you, yeah, follow your passions, there you go.

All right, overrated, underrated, underrated, telling the truth, oh yeah, that just reminded me of Patrice O'Neill. I'll never forget hanging out with him and somebody who didn't know him would ask him a question and just knowing that he was going to tell him the truth, I would, I would try to interrupt the conversation, he uncomfortably, to a level of uncomfortableness would tell the fucking truth. Telling truth, this guy says, I stopped lying about shit four years ago. Before that, I had to lie to my ex because I didn't, I didn't shit she didn't like.

Maybe I did shit she didn't like, I don't, harmless, I did shit she didn't like, harmless stuff just because she was nuts. So I would lie to her, now I lie to no one and I'm going to be honest about everything because it's easy. I'm going to be 30 next month and I've decided to keep my life simple. I'm tired of people complaining and I never want to become one of them. If you just live your life not lying, you sleep better and I'll tell you this, the woman in your life is going to respect you and you know, and the ones that can't handle the truth,

they'll leave. Fuck them, not fuck them in a bad way but you know, good riddance, they're mad at you because you're saying what you're really thinking. All right, here we go. All right, that's the podcast for this, this week, I guess Thursday podcast and the Monday morning podcast. That's why I went a little bit long. And that's it.

All right, tell the people that you love that you love them because you never know what can happen. Rest in peace, David Kimowitz. I'll never forget you. Thank you for being the incredible human being, literally a person to aspire to be. That's it. Have a great weekend. And I'll see you on Monday.

Thank you. Thank you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for August 8th, 2011. And this week I have a very special announcement that I have to announce, hence an announcement right here at the top of this podcast. This is something I've been sitting on for like the last six weeks. And I basically, I have the biggest stand up gig of my career is coming up in a couple

of months. And I know all the women are upset. He said he had announced it. Oh my God. Is he pregnant? How does that happen? Is he like a seahorse? Um, anyways, there's a couple of fucking, what do you call it, oceanographers laughing

at that joke that actually know that the male gets pregnant in the fucking seahorse family. How the fuck did I remember that? But I can't remember where I put my fucking key. What the hell? I'm finding house keys. Um, all right, sorry, little hack stand up from 1980. All right. Plowing ahead.

Um, I have the biggest stand up gig of my career coming up. It is so big. How big is it? You asked me, uh, that actually I have been told to hype to announce that I will be announcing it on the opiate Anthony program. That's how fucking big it is. So I'm right now when I just got you all fucking excited to tell you that I'm not going to tell you what the gig is here on the podcast.

All right. I will be announcing it live. We'll do it live. Live on the opiate Anthony program, um, Wednesday, August 10th at eight a.m. And the opiate Anthony program has been nice enough to let me announce it, uh, on their show and they will also be giving away two tickets to the front row of the biggest stand up show of my, my fucking career. All right.

Now all you will be like, well, I don't have XM serious man. I had to buy another fucking heat lamp to grow my weed man. I can't afford the serious man. Well, don't worry. I'm going to be the second I do that after I announce it and all that type of shit. I will be then, of course, tweeting about it, Facebooking about it, but I will not be my spacing about it. All right.

There's the deal. The biggest gig of my stand up career, it's so fucking big that I have not, I've been pushing it out of my, my, my, my thoughts. So I won't get overwhelmed by it, but it's, uh, it's fucking amazing and, uh, I can't wait to announce it August 10th, Wednesday, August 10th, eight a.m. East coast time on the opiate Anthony program. All right. There I said it.

All right. Now on with the podcast, um, I had a phenomenal fucking week and weekend. I just worked in, uh, Reno, Nevada, everybody for the first time, um, in my life. I've never been to the city ever before and all I ever knew about it was, uh, Reno 911. That's all I knew. And all I knew was everybody just tell Reno, oh my God, Reno, what a fucking shithole. Let me tell you, if you want to smoke some fucking meth while fingering a fucking hooker, I'll tell you, Reno's the place to do it.

Right? That's all I heard. And I got to tell you, I went there and I absolutely fucking loved it underrated for the week. Reno, Nevada, Nevada, Nevada, I got like two hours sleep last night, Reno, Nevada underrated overrated Las Vegas. All right. You want to know?

Yeah. I get, I figured out why people have been shitting on Reno for all these fucking years. It's because they don't want anybody to go there. That's why. The same way I rarely tell people how awesome Burbank airport is. I let these cunts fly into LAX. Do it. Go all the way down there, fight the fucking traffic and that's see a goddamn people there.

Burbank airport. It's like this little mom and pop airport. There's never more than 11 people in it at a time. It's ridiculous. They have the, their little baggage claim is like outside and it's one of those little circular ones, you know, like the old Fisher price airport game you had in the seventies. That's what it looks like. It's one of those airports and it's, it's in Los Angeles and nobody fucking uses it

and I absolutely love it. Reno is the, the Burbank airport of casino towns. It's the shit. It's fucking awesome. Reno is Las Vegas minus douchebags and traffic. It's phenomenal. Now I'm not going to lie to you. There's definitely, definitely white trash on a scale of one to 10.

It's a solid eight, nine. It's a fucking nine. And that's saying something because, you know, I could have used, oh, it's fucking 10 out of 10. I know there's worse places. All right. I've driven through the South. I've been to Memphis, Tennessee.

Okay. I've driven through there. I saw, I just, I mean, it's just was fucking horrific. All right. So I know it gets worse, but, but I'm telling you, but it, it's, it's awesome. Anything. What do you, what do you want to do? Tell me what you want to do.

And I'll tell you where you can do it. Reno, you want to go to a whorehouse? They got one. They got one. It's not the bunny ranch, man. Go fuck yourself. They have one, 10 minutes right outside the city. They test those fucking girls all the time too.

I don't know what that does. You know, if you're not testing the Johns, that really doesn't help the situation, does it? It's like you got a hole in the front of the boat and the back of the boat. You just keep stopping up the one on the back. We're all good here, everybody. It's the same fucking vessel. I think that they should test the Johns and the horse.

All right. You test them both. Then I still wouldn't go in. I wouldn't wait into that cesspool of fucking semen and vaginal juices. Why would you do that? Maybe he gets some ideas on how to decorate your fucking parlor. I don't know. I have no interest, but I'm just saying, if you want to do it, you can do that in Reno.

You know, they got all the games, craps, fucking poker, Texas hold them, all that shit, blackjack. I don't play any of those fucking games. They got all that stuff, minus the douchebags, minus the traffic, minus the celebrities, minus all those hot chicks who aren't going to fuck you anyways, unless they're whores. At which point they got whores in Reno. So why go there? It's a fucking hour flight from LA. It's the shit.

I had the best goddamn time out there. You know, I checked out this morning. I opened my door and there was some dude passed out across the hall in front of his room. He had money. His money was underneath him, but I could see it and he was just laying there. I took a picture of it. I got all this shit up on the M M podcast.com. It's just the fucking, the town is hilarious.

I'm walking through the casino and they made this announcement. They were just like Angela Davis just won $3,000. It's fucking awesome. It looked like the size of what old Vegas probably looked like before all the douchebags showed up with their shiny fucking shirts and everybody trying to walk around like they're Frankie and Dean. You're not, you're not, you're a douchebag. Oh, it's great.

I love a shitty casino. I love white trash. They did just phenomenal. The amount of fucking ladies that I saw that had a fucking beehive haircut and they weren't doing it in memory of Amy Winehouse. Okay. They had that shit before she had it. They probably had it before those fucking chicks in that fucking band with that chick

who left and left the three of them in Detroit, right? Ah, fuck. You know how many times I've started this podcast and stopped it? This is like the fifth time and I'm just, I have to plow through this one. I knew this was going to happen. It was going to start off fast and it was just going to, it was going to taper off just like a plane crash on takeoff. Huh?

We're in the air and now we're not. Boom. Everybody's dead. Well, what happened? Well, he didn't realize he still had it on autopilot. That's what this, what this feels like right now. So I'm telling you right now, I highly fucking recommend going to Reno, especially if you want to gamble, you know, plenty of fucking tables.

The, the goddamn, you know, you don't have to sit down at some place and play five bucks a hand. You can probably play for a nickel. That's what I love about those cheap ass places. Every time you go to a real fucking casino, you know, just want to sit down and fuck around and feel like James Bond for half a second is your girls holding your arm, blowing on the dice or whatever you crap out in fucking 10 minutes, unless you want to blow a couple of grand.

There's a bunch of gamblers right now going, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. I, of course I don't. I told you I don't play the fucking games. I'll play like roulette. I bet he the red or black and I just stand there watching the trees like it's that simple like no one else figured out to do that. Anyways, I had a fucking phenomenal time up there and as I told you last week, I went to bizarre guitar.

They have this amazing, this amazing store out there. It's called bizarre guitar. It's all part of one little strip mall. It's its own building. You go in the door on the left, you know, the door on the right, they got guitars. Every fucking guitar you could ever want. And if you're not a cunt, they'll take you downstairs into their vault where they have easily three to $5 million worth of fucking guitars.

But I didn't go in there first. I went into the other door, door number one, right? I went in there and that, that side of it is a gun shop. It's a guitar store and a gun shop. There's two, two separate entrances. I thought the guns were going to be on the other side of the store, but they're actually two different rooms and I went in there and it was, it was amazing. I was looking at the handguns, right?

I got to keep this low because I've been trying to get a handgun for a while and Nia is just not having it. I don't want a gun in the house. Okay. I don't want a gun in the house. Great. We live in an apartment. Don't fuck with me.

So anyways, I walk in there and I'm looking at these guns, right? I'll tell you, first of all, I looked at like six of them and four of them starred in like three of my favorite fucking movies. You know, Magnum, they had the Magnum Force fucking, they had the 44 Smith and, Smith and Wesson, 44 Magnum. Right there. It was like 850 bucks. That's what I couldn't fucking believe how cheap they are.

Now I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. 850 bucks bill. That's a lot of fucking money. Yeah, but when you think about the capability that you can get for 850 bucks, the fact that I could shoot at a criminal, miss, have it go through four houses and kill five of my neighbors for 850 bucks, I mean, that's incredible. Not to mention the concussion I'm going to give myself when I fire it for the first time

and that gun kicks up and hits me square in the middle of my fucking giant fucking forehead. 850 bucks. All right. Do you know what Glock costs about as much as an iPod? Isn't there something wrong with that? I can't figure out if that's fucking awesome or one of the major problems with this country. It was like, I can't even remember what they were like, 280, 350. It's fucking amazing.

And I wanted to get one. And it's Reno. They don't give a shit. They're like, yeah, take two of them. We don't give a fuck. I'm like, well, I live in Los Angeles. They're like, oh, Jesus. Then they said there was like 9 million fucking miles of paperwork, which I understand because

if you live in a heavily populated area, you can't be just handing out concealed weapons. The thing about when you live out there in Reno, out in the wide open spaces, northern Nevada, let me tell you something, buddy, you're your own sheriff. What you going to do, boy? You going to call cops shit? You're looking at the cops, buddy. Me and my fucking, they always have those redneck guys that always have. I'm not worried about shit.

All I need is my two friends. Smith and Wesson. All right. And then they spit into some Tupperware. You know, I had somebody send me an angry email about me making fun of rednecks. And I just want to tell that person, like fucking grow a dick. All right, douchebag. I trash women.

Like women are the only ones who really have a fucking right to trash me for the level that I trash because I trash them every fucking podcast. Every once in a while, I make funny. You fucking overall wearing no shirt, no fucking shoes, wearing, you know, fishing in the fishing hole, right? I'm actually envious you motherfuckers. You know, you know, I tell you, all the people freaking out when we hit the debt ceiling, I can tell you right now who wasn't freaking out and that's fucking rednecks.

OK, and you know why that is because they don't have televisions. No, I'm fucking with you. Yeah. Television, what's that? Is that that magic box where they got the people in it? I'll tell you something, man. I don't I don't pretend to know how that technology works. I just don't understand how they all fit in there.

You know what I'm saying? You know, it's funny as offended as people in the South are getting. If I was from the South and I wore a hat with a price tag hanging off of this, I could make a million dollars going from Alabama to Mississippi to Chattanooga, Tennessee, and you guys would all eat it up. Because you all know somebody is dumb as this, but none of you think it's you. Well, let me tell you something. I've been to your part of the world and it ain't pretty.

All right, I'm coming to Nashville in two weeks. So I got two words for you, mop it up. Try to fucking try to act like, you know, there's company coming this time. I'm from the North Southerners. Do you understand that? Why don't you clean up a little bit? All right, those stories are going back over the Mason Dixon line with me. You want to stand me, son?

You know, I actually downloaded some Charlie Daniels the other day because I always love that guy's voice. But Jesus Christ, that is some shit-kicking music, you know? I get drunk in the morning, get stoned in the afternoon. I got something, man, something, and I'll be just fucked a fucking baboon, but I ain't asking nobody for nothing. If I can't get it on my own. That's a line in the fucking song.

I ain't asking nobody for nothing if I can't get it on my own, and I just want to tell you people, if ever there was a recipe for failure, is if you're not going to ask for help in life, you know, what are you fucking Zeus? You going to do it all by yourself? You know, no wonder your fucking living room is just outside a goddamn swamp. Why didn't you ask for a little bit of fucking help? Excuse me, a little help? Is it me? Is this kind of a fucked-up way to live a life?

I thought it was. You got any suggestions, any, and I'll be out with because I'm sick of wrestling pigs for a quarter. All right, I shit on them enough. What am I trying to say? I was actually trying to compliment you guys, which is basically what I'm saying is, the reason why rednecks aren't freaking the fuck out about us hitting the debt ceiling is because they're armed, they can grow food, or they can hunt. All right, and they all live near a creek.

If you're a redneck, you have to live near a fucking creek. It's in their goddamn Bible. If you don't live near a creek, what the fuck are you going to jump in your 69 challenger, buddy? You just going to be driving on ground like a fucking quiver. I'm envious of them as I shit on them. I'm envious of them as I shit all over them. I ain't asking nobody for nothing. Oh, Jesus Christ.

You just go to a waffle house. You know what's funny is I actually love SEC football, and I actually have no problem with the fucking south, and I love working down there, and I'm going to get a fucking, I'm going to, Jesus Christ. I just want to guess the name of the guy who's going to punch me in the face if you ever fucking hear that. It's going to be one of those inbred names, Cletus. One of the names from Dukes of Hazard. Come on, Bill, think outside the box. Come up with a better.

One of those fucking hillbillies lives in the Appalachian Mountains. They're like immune to Lyme disease, because they've been bitten so much throughout their fucking the bloodline of their family tree. Nothing gets to them. Come up, babies come out dirty feet already. All right, so anyways, I'm watching this shit the other day about the fucking goddamn uh, that, you know, America hit the debt ceiling again, and like most people in America, I really don't know what that means other than it scares the shit out of me, and it doesn't really make sense how they solved it.

You know, I know that it's a little more involved than my life, but I got to think here, if I maxed out my fucking credit card, and I wasn't paying the bill, I don't think at any point to be like, yeah, let's say we give them another five grand of credit. They're really going to call some gum snapping whore at a 7-Eleven and tell it to fucking cut up my credit card, or they're just going to, or they're just going to cut it off. They're going to do both. They're not going to give me more credit. Oh my god, this guy keeps punching me in the face. What's my next move? Oh, I know, I'll tie my hands behind my back and stick my face closer to his fist. I saw them when they were on TV, they were saying like, uh, you know,

we got to get this thing solved, so the troops can cash their checks. I'm sitting there going like, what the fuck did that guy just say? Our, our government is going to start bouncing checks, you know, like some fucking convicted felon staying in a goddamn motor in. This is freaking me the fuck up. Right? So I have this philosophy, everybody, and it's based in paranoid thought. So if you don't like it, fast forward through the next 19 minutes of this podcast. I don't believe in anything other than that. I guess I don't know what I believe in. I just like insurance. I don't believe in insurance. I think it's bullshit. I think, you know,

got somebody goes, yeah, you know, I'm covered. I'm covered. You're covered until you're not. You know what I mean? They tell you you're covered, but at any point they can just say, yeah, you're not covered. Sew us. Go fuck yourself. Right? It's kind of like, uh, when you put your money in the bank and everybody go, well, you know, I got a bunch of money in the bank, but you know, they're all insured up to fucking under grant. Yeah, until they're not, until they're not, until they decide one day that they're not going to honor that kind of like the fucking airlines when you have all these frequent flyer miles and all of a sudden they just go, yeah, if you don't

use them, uh, by next Tuesday, yeah, you don't have those miles anymore. But, but I earned them. Hey, go fuck yourself with a corporation. You're a little fucking piece of shit. So I don't trust anything, right? So I'm sitting there and I basically just freaked out my fucking tremendously lovely girlfriend. I freaked her the fuck out because I'm sitting there going like telling her, I told the basic. When I was in Reno, I called her up and told her that I bought a gun. I know I'm a dick. I just wanted to see what her reaction was. I said, listen, I went to bizarre guitar and guns. I went into both stores and I bought something and it wasn't a guitar. And she was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I said, well, they sell guns

and they also sell guitars and there's this great guy named Tony who works at the guitar place. And if you're a nice enough person, he'll take you down into the vault and she goes, I don't want to hear about the vault. And I was like, but wait a minute, there was like $3 million with the fucking guitars down there. They had a fucking 1959 list. Paul, they had the seventh fucking Fender Strat ever made. It was insane. She goes, I don't give a shit. You're like, I'm telling you about that place while keeping this story going. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty fucking impressed. So I basically, I just, you know, she flipped the fuck out. I just shot one across the bow just to see what would happen. And she's not having it. She's not having the gun in the house because

she buys into all those stupid stats. Have you ever heard the stats that people who aren't into guns have? And then you have people who are like with the fucking NRA, they just completely cancel each other out. It's just you have two people who have two different philosophies. One, one group likes guns and the other group does not like guns. So then they just start spewing out stats. Having a gun makes your dick bigger. We did a study. And then the other side's like, the second you have a gun in the house, the chance of shooting your toe off goes up by 83%. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Either you have a gun in the house or you don't. Either you want one or you don't. Either you're comfortable or you're not. Other than that, shut the fuck up. Jesus fucking

Christ. Do you realize how many people die a fucking year because of automobiles? Here's my stats. And everybody can have one. Just driving down the fucking street. Do you know if you take your car and you deliberately drive into somebody else in their car that's considered assault with a deadly weapon? A car is a deadly weapon and they're giving them out to 16 year olds? We need to outlaw the cars. This is the deal. If you're not a fucking moron, I don't think it's that dangerous to have a gun. How many people have chainsaws? All you gotta do is just fucking yank it. It's not in a safe. You don't have to keep it in the trunk of your car with the blade in the glove compartment. You have that fucking thing laying

around. As long as there's gas in it, anybody can go out there and do something fucking stupid with it. You go out to your goddamn kitchen. Look at your fucking kitchen. You got a whole butcher's block sitting there and you got a whole set of kitchen knives. Any point, someone can just come out there, grab one and just toss it at your jugular. But you're not worried about that, but that's for toast. And if we, what if we have pork chops? How are we gonna cut it up? Yeah. What if you have an intruder? How are you gonna fucking blast them in the fucking forehead? I want a gun. This is what I want. Feel all you gun nuts out there. I want to get a gun that I can shoot and not that I can fucking stop someone from doing something to me,

but it doesn't hurt my ears. Did I just describe a BB gun? I think I did. No, my ears, my ears are junked from playing drums too long. And I went to one too many ACDC hair metal fucking concerts. And then one time I told you how we will fucking, I had this little landscaping company for about two minutes and we were fucking working in this guy's yard next thing you know, he says, you know, I got a five shot 38. I never fired before. Next thing you know, we're down the street shooting the thing with no ear protection. After the first shot, I couldn't hear a fucking thing. It was like Tom Hanks in the end of saving Private Ryan when he's just sitting there. And it's that's what it sounded

like. And I fired the next four shots and I couldn't hear him. But God knows I did permanent damage that day. So I would like to use deadly forest without hurting my eardrums. I'm such a douche. So anyways. Oh, can I digress for half a second? Do you know it's the 20th anniversary of Nirvana's Never Mind? And I bought Spin Magazine. They had this giant article and everybody was talking about it. And for the majority of people were just like, dude, when that album came out, man, I was just like, fuck hair metal. This is something different. And it's fucking over. Was I the only guy who heard that album was just kind of like, hey, you know, I kind of still like white snake. I did. I was too far down the hair metal trail.

I didn't realize how good Nirvana was. And I hated Pearl Jam. Fucking hated them. I hated Eddie Vedder's stupid. I'm in a trance on purpose face. Even though when he sat there and he'd be fucking have his arms up and his wrists were all fucking limp and he was making those faces on fucking purpose. He looked like a like he should have been on wrestling or something. He's crazy. Eddie Vedder. I hated that fucking. I still hate that fucking album. Even flow hated. I like their other stuff. Vitalogy. I like when he stopped making the faces. You know what he was like? He was like Mel Gibson in the first lethal weapon when he was fucking acting like he was suicidal and it was so awful they had to make him stop.

That's what Eddie Vedder was like in the first Pearl Jam. And then and then they'd go to fucking interview. Do you ever see that interview Kurt Loda did? If somebody can find this fucking video, they interview Eddie Vedder and he's like literally in like the fetal position making this face like he doesn't want to be interviewed. It's like Eddie, you don't have to do the interview. You could just say I'm suffering from exhaustion and everyone will think you have a coke problem, but who gives a fuck? Right? So I wasn't into any of that shit. I didn't get into Nirvana until probably 1993. And by then I noticed everybody was wearing flannel shirts and smashing pumpkins and all my bands were gone, banished, never to be returned until that that metal show came back triumphantly

to bring back my music. But yeah, I was late. I was definitely late. So I was, I guess, I mean, I guess the article would suck. I'm such a moron. I was upset that no one said that basically in the article. Like why would they say that Bill? They're trying to commemorate a fucking masterpiece of an album. Why would they have a bunch of people going, you know, I thought I didn't think anything about it. I thought Pearl Jam sucked. But I really, I was still listening to the fuck I was listening to. The fuck was I listening to in the early 90s? I actually tried to get into jazz. I was flailing and just completely not progressing in my drumming at all. So I thought if I listened to jazz, I would get better. And I like big band swing and then, you

know, I, I, I saw all the great drummers. I used to go to the regatta bar in Boston. I saw Tony Williams. I saw Tony Williams in a fucking bar that held like 100 people. Louis Belson. I went up and shook his hand. I'm standing behind his drum kit. It was fucking ridiculous. Roy Haynes. I saw Max Roach. I saw all these guys didn't improve my drumming at all. That's what the fuck I was doing. And I was hanging out with my drum teacher who was like 70 years old. I don't know if I need to add this at this point, but yes, there was no pussy in my life at that point. So anyways, yeah, I kind of missed the beginning of the grunge thing. I'm not a Gen X. I think I'm old enough to be Gen X, but I'm not. I am a hair metal fucking 80s kid. That's who I am. I watched

Family Ties, Full Metal Jacket, The Lost Boys. That was my shit. That was when I came up. I can't help it that that's what the muse, I thought Cinderella was a good band. What did I know? Just a fucking redhead kid in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, so they were just, everybody was just going, I just heard it and I stopped in my tracks and I was like, what the fuck is this? It's like, how did, how did everybody know that? You know, I remember being annoyed by the, that their first video when Kurt goes to take the fucking solo and he pretends like he's tap, like doing the tap on solo, like basically making fun of all the bands that I was listening to. And I was kind of like, who's this douche? You know, you call that

a fucking solo? Just basically playing the goddamn melody of the song through a fucking distortion pedal. I'm not saying any of these thoughts were right. I think the guys are fucking genius and the album's fucking unbelievable, but that's where my head was at. That is honestly where my head was at. Like I went, when Axl Rose had his run in backstage with them at whatever awards show that was when the, the bass player and now Senator threw it up in the air and it fucking crashed down on his forehead. And I believe Dana Carvey was hosting going, did you see what that fucking guy just did? I was rooting for Axl Rose. I think the only thing that I did respectively, respectively, as far as my music listening,

between 1988 and 1992 was I never bought Guns N' Roses, Usua Illusion one or two. I hated the fucking band by that point when they had Dizzy and Lizzie and all these other fucking guys and they had Matt Sorum and the whole fucking band was gone. And then he was running around in goddamn biker shorts and he had that stupid white fucking windscreen thing. The whole, it just, it was unfucking believable. It just went right down the shitter. So that's where I was at. I was sitting there going, I can't believe they kicked Steven Adler out. That guy's a phenomenal fucking drummer. Changed the whole sound of the goddamn band. Now Izzy left. That's what I was thinking of. I wasn't

my libido, a mosquito. Look at the windshield. Is that a mosquito? I wasn't listening to any of that. Yeah. I didn't listen to any of it. And then that fucking dude came out. That's when I started feeling old. I think when that album came out. And then Smashing Pumpkins came out. And whatever the fuck he was singing about. Cats, Siamese, Twins. The hell was that song? I don't know. This is all that shit. I was trying so hard. But by then I was like 25 years old and I gotta tell you, it's fucking over. It's over. Music is for young people. All right. There you go. If you wanted to relive the early 90s through my fucking eyeballs, there it was. Jesus Christ. Was that long enough for you? The hell was I talking about?

But I was so anyway. So I freaked out my girl tonight because I was just like, listen. Evidently, this country is in the same financial position as some of my Pothead acquaintances. One in particular who's been smoking weed for a good quarter of a century. This country is in the same financial position as that. So that is frightening to me because I don't know how to hunt. And even if I did know how to hunt, the only thing I could hunt around me is other human beings and I'm not doing that. I had a fucking pigs head the other day and I draw the line at that. All right. So you know, you know, there's really no simple way to tell the woman in your life that you want to get a gun. You know, it's funny about me wanting to get a gun.

What am I going to do with it? You know, let's say this whole fucking thing collapses and it's a goddamn police state. All right. And let's just pretend that I actually lived in a house and had a basement to hide in. So now I'm down there with my year supply of pop tarts, brown rice and water, and I got my little Glock in my little fucking box of bullets. Am I really going to stop whatever warlord has taken over my fucking neighborhood? Well, wait a minute. Why don't I become the warlord? Then I'll steal everybody else's rice or roti. That would be great. That's what I'm going to do. If I ever buy a fucking house, I'm going to gain all my neighbors confidence. I'm going to mow their lawns. Fuck it. I don't know what I'm going to do. Sweep up the streets.

Ah, Jesus, look at him. And he looks like Ron Howard. Boy, do I feel safe around him. Then when the shit hits the fan, as they come running out of their houses, Mark, did you see the news? I'm going to be fucking peep peep peep just firing it up in the air. Everybody on the ground, right? I'm going to gather them up in a little cul-de-sac, right? And then I'm just going to tell them, any of them moves, I'm going to shoot them in their buttocks, right? And then I'm going to go through all their fucking cabinets, like the goddamn grinch when he took everybody's Christmas tree and I'm stealing all their fucking food. Then that'll be, that'll be fucking awkward, right? Because then I'm going to be fucking

across the street with all their food as they're sitting in the cul-de-sac. What the fuck is this guy doing? Ah, shit. I need a getaway car. I need a van. All right. It's like writing a script, okay? We're just throwing shit against the wall here, right? Basically, I'll add to this every week. So right now, I'm going to get a gun and I'm going to have a van. That's as far as I've thought about dealing with the apocalypse. But no, but it ties back into what the fuck I was saying, where it, you know, everything is what it is until it isn't. You know what I mean? Like, well, what happens if the shit hits the fan? What if people start attacking my house? It's going to be the house I don't have. Well, then you just call the police. But it's like, but if the shit

hits the fan, if this is, and the shit basically hitting the fan is your, the inability to write a check to pay people to continue doing their jobs. The second that happens, it's fucking over. It's going to be pandemonium, especially in this country. As I mentioned before on past podcasts that this country, we are not one. All right. It's like gangs in New York here. It's like a fucking reality show. You know, you got the fucking Asian dude. You got the white dude. You got the fucking Horry blonde chick. You got the smarter brunette. You got the misunderstood black guy. You got the black girl fucking going to slap the wiker. That's what you got that all that over and over and over again all the way across the fucking country. I'm telling you,

those rednecks, you know, it's such a gamble. Either way, we just say, you know, you're basically, it's just like we're back in Reno, but you're doing it with where you live, wherever you fucking live in your role in the dice, you live in the fucking middle of nowhere with your well water, shooting squirrels every goddamn day, putting them on your fucking bagel. All right. You're rolling the dice that the shit is going to go down and you're willing to live over there in them trees, right? Middle of fucking nowhere. And me, I'm rolling the dice that the shit isn't going to happen. You know, and as of five, six years ago, it didn't look like it was going to happen. And now all of a sudden it does. And that's it. I want a gun. I want a van.

And I'm coming to your fucking cul-de-sac and I'm taking your pop tarts. That's what's going to happen. That's my game plan. All right, let's get on with the fucking some YouTube videos for the week. This is one of, this was absolutely hilarious. Oh, because I got some shit last week from, from some of my male listeners. Because when that lady trashed me and all stand up comedians, and I actually admitted that she was right. They were, they were saying, fuck that. She's not right. You're a pussy for blah, blah, blah, blah. You guys, you guys are idiots. All right. Do you know how you win arguments with women? Do you know how you win? No, you don't. Shut up. You don't. I'm gonna tell, this is how you do it. The first thing you have to do was when you're

wrong, you have to admit it. All right. You establish credibility. If every fucking time they give you shit, you come at them like a goddamn fucking wild dog frothing at the mouth. You got no credibility. You're just a loud asshole. Every once in a while they get you, they're right. You got to say they're right. Then they go, oh my god. I wasn't expecting that. They got the guard down. See, all the ladies have their guard down this week because I said that they were right last week, which now sets the platform for me to tell you about this fucking YouTube video this week. It's X Game 17 Moto X Enduro Women's Highlights. Now, if you thought women couldn't drive a fucking car, all right, especially that, that fucking broad that's never

won a goddamn race and typical fucking broad, which can't win a fucking race. So now she's got to take a tits out and every goddamn commercial, win a fucking race, zip up your suit, win a race, or fucking go home and make some fucking chicken salad. All right. So anyways, XM Games 17. It's basically the highlights of motocross, which I'm a huge fan of. I don't know if these girls are 18 years old, but they just, it's, if you're a fan of Three Stooges and you're a fan of Slapstick, they can't go over the jumps. You know, you need momentum to go over the jumps and they have logs laying there and you're supposed to fucking jump over them. They go up really cautiously and then they get right up to the log and then they gun it and then they tip over. It's fucking hilarious.

That's the best part about it is in this video, there's like 20 people wiping out and they all do it going about three miles an hour. Why they're wearing helmets and fucking pads and shit is beyond me because they don't need them. So check that one out and also I have the commercial for bizarre guitars and a gunshot, but I want to give those guys a shout out and I want to thank them for how nice they treated me and Rick D'Alia, the comedian who opened up for me, who are actually, I started out with in Boston many, many moons ago and they, they, they took us down. I kind of glossed over it in that story. They have a vault downstairs and I'm telling you the guitars they have down there. They had like a Gibson Firebird from like the, either the late fifties or early sixties and

it was a 12 string. I've never seen anything like it. Just, I took a couple of pictures down. They were nice enough to let me take a couple of pictures, but they, they're, it was insane. It was insane. It was like the holy grail of, it's the greatest collection of guitars I've ever fucking seen. So anyways, definitely check that out. So, but they make hilarious commercials. I mean, how can you not make a hilarious fucking commercial when you sell guns and guitars? Also, I talked about last week how I ate a pigs head with Robert Kelly up in Montreal, Canada. I mean, I didn't really eat it. I only had a couple of bites, but Bobby went fucking crazy. Ear, nose, eyeball, cheek, fucking dude threw down. There's a guy. There's a guy who's going to survive when

the shit goes down. Robert Kelly. Robert Kelly doesn't give a fuck. He'll eat the, he'll eat the he'll eat the eye out of a goddamn pigs head. Okay. That's the kind of guy you want on your team when the apocalypse happens. All right. And he's a very likable guy. People absolutely love him. So he doesn't need a gun. See me. I'm a dick. I need a gun. Robert Kelly actually has a podcast, too. I wish I knew the fucking name of it. I would hype it, but search him. He has an app, a one stop fucking you click on it and everything Robert Kelly comes to fruition. I just say fruition. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So last week I asked to hear some fucking questions from the ladies and I got some. Here we go from the ladies. Hey, Bill,

I've been listening to your Monday morning podcast for about a year. Actually, my boyfriend listens, but now I'm hooked, which is awesome. Anyways, I just want to say that I agree with you about the 21 year old virgin from last week. And then she says what Mia, it's Nia with an N, not an M. A lot of people mess that up. What Nia with an N says makes sense to my wiring being a female. Romance and fuzzy feelings are fun, but my 10 year relationship has given me a little insight into a man's perspective. And I agree that the young man may get laid, get totally attached to the nerdy chick. And then like a little domesticated puppy dog proceed to follow this nerdy first time girl around waiting from waiting for her sexual peak, waiting and waiting and waiting.

Then voila, he's 40 horny feels like he's wasted his youth, perhaps angry at himself and women at large. And then who knows, maybe a comb over in a Corvette, maybe a serial killer, who knows. For the record, it's not that I don't think love works, but I do think that men have to come to that on their own. Fucking brilliant. Absolutely. She's basically agreeing with me that you have to fuck the demon out of you. After they've realized that they want a relationship to come home to, or perhaps they realized that they don't, which is fine. But then there won't be children to fuck over and a relationship ruined. Absolutely. Now, if I hadn't freaked out Nia about my goddamn gun talk, you guys would have loved me. Charlton Heston would have been fucking high fiving me

from the goddamn grave. I could have had her comment on that. Number two. Actually, you know what? Let me get her for a second. Hang on a second. Okay. And with the magic of the pause button, the lovely Nia has returned to the podcast. And don't you look lovely. Thank you. All right, listen to this. I actually got to kind of read that this girl actually kind of agreed with me last week. Remember last, last week, the 21 year old version version. Why do you keep saying version? I don't, I have like, I would love to say that I have dyslexia. I'm like, I have a rare case of dyslexia where dyslexia where I don't even have to be reading to do it. Right. You just mispronounced words. All right. So who agreed with you? Are you in a mood? Are you in a mood? Let's keep it nice.

Okay. I didn't, I didn't bring you on here to have you do things that I don't appreciate. All right. 21 year old virgin. Yes. This is a lady who's saying this. All right. Cause I asked the brides, you know, to quit their fucking whining and write a goddamn email. Read what was written. I'm trying to make it funny here. Let me turn you up a little bit. They're fucking squeaky. So I already read this damn thing. I have to, I have to paraphrase now. Okay. She says basically Nia. I told her it's not Mia. Happens all the time. Makes sense with all the warm fuzzy feelings. Look at me. Don't look at the email. All right. But now that she's been in a relationship for 10 years, she kind of understands

that guys have to come to a point where, where, where they, where they realize that they want to be in a relationship. You know what I mean? Yeah. So telling this guy right out of the gate to just go for the warm fuzzy might be the right thing. But I mean, you could send this, this guy could end up just latching onto the first thing you ever fucking, you know, bent over. Right. And then all of a sudden he comes out the other side and just realizes, you know, I wasn't in love with this girl and all this pussy I could have gotten and then he could make him a woman. Give me a break. That's going to, that's going to make him a woman hater. Yeah. As opposed to what? So following wanting to take somebody out and go on dates and stuff and having

it not work out. That's a worse idea than just going out and just banging a bunch of chicks because banging a bunch of chicks and just treating them like disposable fuck toys. That, that's not going to make him. I'm not saying disregard. No, no, it wouldn't, it wouldn't do that at all. No, no, I'm not saying I'm crazy. I'm the crazy one. Oh, Jesus Christ. He turned the sarcasm down a couple of notches. Nia, first of all, you don't understand how guys are wired. I do understand how guys, you don't. I don't understand how you're fucking wired. I would never tell you what you're thinking. You're telling me like I'm telling you right now. I didn't tell, first of all, I didn't tell him how he's wired. I just said, if he had an instinct,

the thing is you guys are twisting everything that I set up. All I suggested was he said, oh, should I take her out to dinner and all this other stuff or take her out and because he was talking about being a nerd and liking, I don't remember what he said, but he said something about wanting to take her out and getting to know her. And I said, yeah, that's a great idea. And now it's like, no, it's terrible because he's a boy. You should tell him just to fuck everybody and not take anyone out. That's not what I'm saying. He falls in love. I'm saying this dude is he's in dire straits right now. Okay. If he's 16 fucking years old and he likes a girl, okay, straight, it's not that serious. He's only 21 years old. No, no, he's up to his fucking neck

and I'm never going to get laid in my life. Okay. And the water is swirling down the fucking drink. All right. So he's desperate right now. So anybody fucking pays attention to I'm not saying I'm just was worried that that's what the fuck he was going to do. He's going to get sucked into a goddamn relationship. And there is that thing that you know something near when people fuck up in life, how often did they do they actually own up to it themselves? Like that was a stupid thing that I did. They usually don't. That's how you end up fucking why he could possibly end up hating women because he's going to blame them. Not that it's their fault. It's not this nerdy chicks fault that this guy hasn't got laid in 21 fucking years. You know, it's not her fault,

but it'll end up being her fault. I mean, I'm I'm explaining resentment to you. You understand resentment. I don't need to explain that, right? Yeah, but I think you're also when people talk about doing stuff like that, that you're also coming from a place of fear. And I just don't believe in that. You know, I can't argue that. All right, let's go on the next one. See that people I established credibility, you admit when you're fucking wrong. I do come from a place of fear. I know what you bitches is up to. All right. Number two, dearest William, you always wrote that no one did. I just dressed it up. Okay, you always you always bitch that women don't write in for advice. Well, here you go. I met this guy a year ago. Now I want to answer

this one before you go on one of your rants. Let me just answer this one. And then you tell me if I'm right or wrong. I met this guy a year ago at a mutual friends wedding. He's fucking hot. He wore a pair of pants that were so tight, I could see everything. My sausage. Let's just say he gift wrapped his package and it was well received. Hey, wait a minute. She keeps going with the late night jokes, but he's so cocky, but I'm bumped. She says. Oh, geez. I didn't think he'd have any interest in me. A while later, he invited me to a party and paid me an undue amount of attention. About a week later, he had me over for dinner. And when I say he had me over for dinner, that sounds like a setup. No, but it is. And when I say dinner,

I mean, yeah, it's like a bad sex in the city joke. Yes, that you've watched every episode 100 fucking times. I have. Well, that's why I can speak on it better than you can because you haven't seen it. So anyway, read the rest of the letter. Yeah, that's sure. It's like fucking entourage. You see one episode, you've seen it. Oh my God, we have a problem. What's going to happen? Oh, it all worked out. Let's go to Vegas. Fuck you, turtle. Right? No, that's the episode. No. All right, whatever. Go fuck. I don't give a shit. I watch sports. Anyways, and when I say I mean we ate, I mean, this is funny. This is actually funny. She goes, I mean, he bragged about himself a lot. And we jumped into bed basically before I drained the drops from my wine glass. That's what you do

with the dildo, right? I like this girl. She's fucking she's using them. Yeah. Wow. Can you believe that? Can you believe? Look at you. Just is she is she calling saying I never get laid? And what do I do about it? No, she's talking about something else entirely. So don't even try to compare the two situations. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that women can think like guys too. Duh. Well, I thought that that's what you were reacting to. No. Like oh wow. Like why'd you say wow? No, because I think that's awesome. She's right being very upfront about it. Oh, well, your read of wow was terrible. Well, fuck you. I'm not auditioning for your little ham radio show you have going on here. Really? The ones who go can I be on it again? You asked me to come in here tonight.

That's because I felt bad because I freaked you out about saying I wanted to buy extra paper towels. They know what it was about. All right, let's fly. Okay, let's go here. We slept together about once a week for the next two months. But because he said at because he said at the first dinner that he wasn't into having a relationship, even though all his friends marveled that he's so wonderful and not yet not married, I did my best to keep it casual. So this guy basically said he didn't want a relationship. So she's keeping it casual. Anyways, after we hung out a bit, I started to realize he wasn't really as much of a dildo as I initially thought. And I knew I was in danger of developing feelings for him. So of course, I got more distant and he eventually he ended it saying

ironically, this isn't going anywhere. Then she in parentheses says, wait, what? I thought you said you didn't want a relationship. Oh, Jesus. She goes, I didn't I didn't object. But I told him I wanted to be friends and may and may have sent him an overly drippy drunk text or two. Last week we had dinner. And from the second he he got there, his hands were all over me. He flirted like fucking crazy all night. But we went our separate ways. Here's what I want to know. Is it possible for us to date now, like for real? Now that I know him better, I think we could really have something. But in my experience, and according to all my male friends, guys don't stay interested in someone they fuck before, especially if he got bored enough to end it the first time around,

what should take bill? Can I make this happen again? And if so, how? This is what I think. I think the fact that this guy's a douche. All right. That's the father of your kids, some guy who shows up with his fucking package hanging out, you know, like he's fucking Robert plant and the song remains the same. That's the guy you're going to fucking breed with. And then you have dinner with him. And all he does is talk about himself. Hey, let me do this. I don't need to do it. I don't like that. You don't like me agreeing with you? I don't want that. I'm not I'm not in a church right now. I don't need to go uh huh. Um, I think you know, okay, you know what we can talk about this. You know what I think really happened? I think that his ego was bruised. This guy's obviously tremendously

fucking insecure. So he overcompensates with the fucking ego. So he talks about how he bangs a lot of girls and girls get all caught up in it like you do sometimes. Yeah. I really didn't need to know that. I'm just being honest. Didn't need to know. Can you just shut up and let me just walk out of the room as you fucking answer this? Oh, this is it. All right. He fucking so I try to desperately forget what the fuck you just said there. He basically, I think his egos hurt the fact that she wasn't totally fucking into him. Right. And then when he said, well, fuck it, it's over. He was trying to get her to fucking beg for it. And she didn't. Yeah. And she didn't. So now he's coming back trying to get her all her all into him.

So then he can tell her to go fuck herself. Yeah, that's what I think he's gonna am I right? Yeah, he's playing mind games with you, sweetie. Run the other way. Run the other way. There you go. Yep. Jesus Christ, Neil, really? What really? He had a big dick which you sometimes get caught up in. Why don't fucking women? Why don't women talk like that on TV? Why do you guys just fucking sit there and you actually why don't you guys talk like that? I don't know. Why can't you guys show that you're just as big of fucking pigs as we are? Well, maybe if we if women rallied more and got in the the business of writing and producing and executing, then there would be more shows like that. But you know, women have to write this shit. We have to make it happen.

Can't rely on men to do it for us. So yeah, that's it. But yeah, he's a are you? What do you mean? Who am I? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're causing revolution. You're talking about big dicks. Let's move on to the next question. I'm being honest. No, people want to hear an honest answer. And you know, the situation that she found herself in is not unusual, but he is in mind. He's a game player. So, you know, she needs to need to go in the other direction. Just leave it alone. You will find you will find another guy who you'll have incredible sex with who has a nice dick. And he's not going to be this manipulator. That's the thing. You can have a guy that like all right, all right, all right, multiple orgasms and he's not an asshole. It's possible.

You know what? It's hard, but you'll find them. I like how you went back to wacky humor. It's hard because I don't have that. I think it's time for you to get a spin off podcast because if you're going to start talking like this, I really can't frankly and honestly, though, what I do is no different from your rants and raves. It's just a different tone. Yeah, but it's my podcast. I know, but you're my podcast. This isn't your fucking. Oh, wait a minute. It's just like you walk into fucking, you walk into Tyco and without talking to anybody else, you start building your own fucking toys. All right. So you don't like, you don't like the toys that I'm bringing to the pitch them first. You pitch them first. You don't just fucking throw them out there in the goddamn meeting. It isn't

that kind of a show. We come back to your office. I'll see it for week. We get on here. We just start talking. You don't ever know what's going to happen. Isn't that the exciting part? You've never annoyed me more. Yeah, I'm fucking around. You think I don't know all of this shit about you? I was going to say, we're very honest with each other about our past. Yeah, I didn't know you're going to say it on the fucking podcast. You're sitting there telling me not to bring up the fact that I want to get a goddamn gun, but you can sit there talking about a fucking dicks here. Did I say anything about personal experience? No, I did not. Jesus Christ, Nia. I didn't. I didn't say when I. So I never said that. Okay. This is this is just becoming a riveting podcast.

All right. Here we go. Number three. Hey, Bill, I've been a huge fan for many years and decided to finally write in. Right. R I G H T. I wanted to tell you that as a woman, I agree with your comment. It's effortless for women to nurture and make a great sandwich. She's agreeing with what I say. I currently work from home and our family nurture and make a say. I thought like nurture like the sandwich. No, nurture and make a great sandwich. Okay. All right. I currently work from home and our family watches our son while I work. Since our family watches our son, I feel he's getting just as much care as I would give him if I was home plus having two incomes is very helpful. Uh, I've heard you mentioned on several podcasts that you don't feel divorced women.

This always scares me because I can't even remember half the shit I say on this podcast. I've heard you mentioned on several podcasts that you don't feel divorced women who stay at home should get money from their husband if he worked during the marriage. That's not really what I said. I do agree that not all women should get money in a divorce. So my question for you is this, if a woman stays at home to watch her kids while her husband works and they and they divorce, no cheating, just regular old divorce, do you think she should get money in the divorce even though she didn't work during the marriage marriage? Just wanted to get your thoughts on this scenario as the husband and wife both decided, uh, on that specific work arrangement. Thanks for the podcast, big fan. Oh,

yeah. See, as always, I probably said it in a confusing way, trying to be funny. I'm not saying that a guy should just be able to walk away from a wife and kids and the wife doesn't deserve any fucking money. What I'm saying is these women who get like 50 grand a month, 30 grand a month, 15, 20 grand a fucking month to raise kids is ridiculous. The fact that it, it suddenly, you know, when you're together in only, I mean, how much does it cost a month to raise a kid? Let's say a thousand bucks. It costs more than a thousand dollars. How old is the kid? Wait, wait, wait, let's, let's back up. Okay. Go ahead. Tell me, tell me, get up to a thousand dollars. Tell me everything you buy. Well, it depends. It depends on how old they are. If they're in a

school, if they're in activities, if they need school supplies, if they need school clothes, if they need, they don't need that every month food, if they don't need that every month, dental, if they need to go to the doctor, if they have braces, if they get hurt, like, all right, I'll give you two grand a month, two grand a month. Do you think you can keep an eight year old alive on two grand a month? Will there be enough cereal in the cupboard? Will he have enough clothes to wear two grand a month, 24 grand a year for a fucking kid? Do you think you can somehow get this kid some popsicles? Of course. People have done it. People have done it on much less. Everyone knows that it's why you acting. I fucking had what we fucking had tough skins. I knew what the

fuck my school clothes were going to look like next year because my fucking older brother was wearing them. All right. They fucking handed them down. There was no iPods. There was no iPads. There was none of that shit. We were like 80 bucks each a month. The reality is I don't know how much it costs to raise a child per month. Well, I can tell you right now, it doesn't cost 30 grand. That's what I'm saying, ladies. I'm just saying when you go through a fucking divorce, this whole goddamn thing where because the relationship failed in your piss now, and you're fucking angry that you're now going to take this guy for every dime he's worth, which is actually a cliched statement at this point. I'm taking you for everything you're

fucking worth. And it's like everything. Exactly. Not 50%. Everything. And a lot of those cases, like the ones that really stick out are the ones where this guy has this unbelievable fucking career. He's earning all the goddamn money. What kills me is that the ex-spouse gets to take credit by saying I supported. I supported him. Like, what is that? That's just such a fucking intangible. Support it how? You can do it, honey. Ra, ra, sis, boom, ba. Yeah. And then he goes out and does it. Emotionally. Yeah. You don't think that has any value? Yeah. But I don't, it not 50 grand a month it doesn't. How much do you think that's worth? That's worth me making sure you don't starve to death and you have a nice place to live. And I'll pay for it. But how much do you think that's

gonna cost? How much do I think it's gonna cost? Yeah, for all that. I don't know. Probably what, three, four grand a month? Is that include rent? Yeah. Where are these people living? That three or four grand is enough for everything. About 90% of the places. Yeah, we lived in New York and now we live in LA. You're getting a totally skewed how much it cost to fucking live. Yeah, I was just in Reno. Okay. Reno, Nevada, that they got homes out there that look like they're like fucking almost 3000 square feet. You can get it for 200 grand. If you know what 3000 foot square foot house and fucking Hollywood cost it'd be like a million and a half. But if you're divorced and why didn't you listen to that? I did,

but I'm asking a question. If you get divorced and the kid goes to live with the mother, so the two of them need a place to live, right? So the place has to be paid for and everything that kind of goes along with that, you know, bills, groceries, car, whatever, fuel. And then the kids got school stuff that needs to be taken care of. Okay. They have their own set of expenses. Okay. And again, let's just think about all that. You could also get a job and you could help with that. Absolutely. But initially, if say for some reason, somebody's been married for 10, 15 years, and the couple has decided mutually that the husband say is going to be the one that actually physically goes out and does like a nine to five type. I already agreed with

this. I already agreed that the guy shouldn't be allowed to leave high and drive. What I'm talking about is the ridiculous astronomical fucking. Yeah, because this is what ends up happening is the guy fucking pays for everything. The guy goes from living in a fucking house, you know, you know, in a relationship that's allegedly working. When it's working, he gets to live in the house. When it stops working, the wife for the most part can ex wife continues to live in the house. He goes and lives in a one bedroom apartment. What about him? Why doesn't he get to say, Well, I'm used to a certain lifestyle. I don't know. But I also do. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it becomes like that thing. No. So what I'm saying, what I'm saying is everybody's lifestyle

goes down. Okay, you do what's right for the kid, but everybody's lifestyle goes down. But what what I also about the transition for the child. And if the child is the fucking woman drafts behind that shit, I'm doing it for the kid. It's like fucking what's his face is ex wife. She took his championship belts and tries to say I'm holding on to these for the kids when they turn 18. Sugar Shane Mosley's wife. I don't know about that story. Well, he got his ex wife is getting his championship belts in the divorce. Really? Yeah. That's see, that's what that's ridiculous. That's what Okay, well, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm talking about how you live in a 5000 square foot giant goddamn house when the relationship's working. The relationship fails. But what

failure financially does the woman feel? The guy has to go fucking live in a one bedroom, two bedroom if he's making sick fucking money. But the wife gets to stay in the fucking house still sitting by the pool. Yeah, and I'm sure she's also happy about it too. There's a lot of emotional damage that happens with these kind of things too. So where would you rather where would you wear? Well, where would you rather have your emotional damage in the 5000 square foot house or the two bedroom down the street? Yes, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm not saying that a guy should be able to walk away from relationship. I'm not saying that the woman didn't make a sacrifice in that scenario where she agrees to stay home and she fucks her own career. You definitely

owe her on that one. But what I'm saying is is the owing goes to the to such a fucking degree that financially, it's like she's still in the marriage. It's like they never left. They got that whole thing she's used to a certain lifestyle. That's like actually not laughable in court. That's a legitimate angle to get more money that she's used to a certain lifestyle. Well, it's like, well, she used to be married. She's not fucking married anymore. There was a failure here and it was 50% your failure. Unless the guy went out and cheated on you or something like that, you know, which is a totally different fucking animal. I'm just talking, we fell out of love. It's not fucking working anymore. And then somebody pulls the trigger. And then

when the fucking wife goes psycho and says, I'm taking you for everything you got. And then she does, I just don't think that's fucking fair. I think it's bullshit. And I don't see anything on TV presenting that point of view. Yes. There's plenty of shit on there about wife beaters and all that other type of stuff. That's all I'm saying. So there you go. So in answer to this, this woman here, I think if the husband and wife both agree that she's not going to work, she's going to put her career on hold. You can't just leave somebody high and dry like that. All right? But just because you decided to do that doesn't mean that this guy now has to,

well, maybe it does because she can't earn a fucking income if she has a 17-year gap. Well, that's what I'm going to say. And then she's trying to get a job again and all these expenses still need to be paid. That part. So it's not like she can just jump back into her, you know, lawyer career or whatever the hell else she was doing before. It's not that easy. All right. Well, I'm not arguing that. I'm not arguing that part. I'm saying, I'm talking about the one where, you know, they're both fucking working. They both have jobs. Okay. And the husband is this phenomenally talented guy who's making a ton of fucking money. Okay. And that the wife gets to take credit for it. Well, I supported him. I said that you

should fucking develop the iPad or whatever. Not legitimate. What is the support that's you're making it seem like that's just like a stupid thing. I'm not saying I'm not I'm not saying what emotionally. I'm not saying that that's stupid. I'm just saying it's not it. You don't get to take 90% of the fucking money because you supported somebody. He did 100% of the fucking work and you did you did 100% of the supporting. So you get 90% of the money. Like how does that math work? Well, if you're talking about kids, it's not just emotional support. It's running like the everyday day to day. There it is. There it is. Yeah, you draft behind the kids. Well, what about the kids? What about the kids? I need your championship belts. I need 25 grand

of fucking months to raise two kids. It's complete bullshit. It's complete bullshit. Guys are getting fucking raped out there. They get raped in these divorces. Now, well, I don't think it's right of you to make these blanket statements about stuff like that. This podcast is all about blanket statements that you've never been married. You've never been divorced and you've never had children. So your outrage is like, ask me what I'm basing it on. Please ask me what I'm basing it on. What are you basing it on? I worked third shift in a warehouse. There was three people who fucking work there. Drug addicts, people working their way through

college and divorced men, working a fucking second job, hating their goddamn lives, living in fucking one bedroom apartments, paying for houses. It was like a half dozen of them. Those guys, a particular radio personality that I know, who's fucking ex-wife lied and said that she supported his dream to get into show business when she didn't, according to him, of course, but I believe it. But I believe it. Yeah, by the end of it, she had a basically a husband and she wouldn't marry the dude because the alimony payments she was getting from her first husband was way more money. So she just, she just never let the guy move in. I think that's the exception more than it is the rule.

What is that based on? The fact that you just don't want any of this to be true? I'm giving you an actual example. You asked me what it was fucking based in. And it's also based in doing research. You know what I mean? What kind of research? What kind of research? I read about the shit on the internet. I find out about divorce laws. I talk to people who are fucking divorced. I talk to people. I meet people off my shows all the time. We've been married this long. We love it, blah, blah. We decide not to have kids. We're going with dogs. You should definitely get married, blah, blah. Dude, don't fucking do it. Don't do it. I fucking talk to all kinds, that kind of research. That's the research I do. I talk to people who are married.

That's what I do. It's like I'm going to buy an old car. I talk to a mechanic first. What do I look for? What can I get involved in here? How do I get a good one? Is that fucked? No, I guess not. I mean, you've never been married. You don't have any kids yet. You seem to have some strong opinions. Well, because my parents were divorced and my grandparents were divorced. And it's like kind of a big thing in my life. So yeah, I feel like I can speak from adequate experience. So you witnessed a relationship? My parents are still together. So what? I can't comment on divorce? No, I'm not saying that you can't, but you're acting like somebody who's actually gone through it yourself and that's why you're so

outraged because you yourself have dealt with this. Whatever. We're not going to see eye to eye on this. So whatever. What happened to you? Where did all the fun go in the podcast? All of a sudden you just took to this serious goddamn place because my dad and my parents and the fucking people coming over on the Mayflower, they broke up and they switched ships. Jesus fucking Christ. Nia, what happened? Why have to edit out this last part of it? Why would you edit it out? I'm not going to edit it out. I'm just trying to say something fucking slightly upbeat. Oh, all right. Well, maybe I'm sensitive about it because it is something that I've gone through.

All right. We'll discuss it later. All right. That's the Monday morning podcast for this fucking week. Jesus Christ, Nia. What? See me in my office. I bring you on here to bring the funny. Okay. I didn't do good this week. No, you did. Of course you did. You did great, but you took it to a fucking place. I didn't want to go to. You know what? I think we have all the colors of the rainbow on this one. I keep it real, man. You just can't handle it. You know what? You're already feeling yourself. You got a couple of good comments on Twitter about your performances and now look at you. You're resting on your laurels. No, I'm not. I'm just fucking bring it honestly. I'm speaking honestly. I think about suspended

for the next two weeks. No, listen, let me, let me just say something. All right. Listen, everybody. That's Monday morning podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Don't take any shit and go fuck yourselves and everything else. I say, Oh, very special announcement. Once again, I'll be making it on the opiate Anthony program, 8am Eastern Standard Time. Please listen. And for those of you who don't have serious XM and can't listen to opiate Anthony, I will be tweeting about it and all that fucking bullshit afterwards. And, but please tune in and, and that's it. I suck at this. All right. See you. When I say he went.

Yeah. Only thing I'll never ask of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.